Elephants

Winning at fantasy means making predictions and acting on them prior to other players. To do that, you don't always have the privileges of hindsight and deduction. You will need foresight and inference. I hope to offer a some good if not somewhat inferential arguments for why some early moves on this weekly (if I have time) post.
Fantasy thinking is often over-obsessed with statistical correlations at the expense of firm causal understanding of what is happening on the field. The forest is often lost for the trees. A combination of understanding the game of football, recognizing interconnected changes that will influence teams, and eye testing the games themselves is the best antidote to the groupthink, herd-mentality of fantasy football expertism which, time and again, proves spotty at best in anticipating changes.
Last week I posted this as "Eye-tested Takes" but I realized that's not what I was aiming for. A variety of posters and services watch the whole game and give you maximally thorough takes on every snap. I won't offer much of an opinion on players/teams I don't watch. I'll always watch enough. However, a lot of what I'll make as the case for picking up (or dropping) a player will be based on obvious things that are happening that rankings-myosis may miss.
There's always an elephant in the room that no one want's to acknowledge. This post gives fantasy advice that accounts for the elephants on the field.

Things I'm right about (so far):

1. Rivers Noodle Arm = Colts Lean into Jonathon Taylor:

With the quality of that offensive line, Mack going down, and Rivers looking like shit, Jonathon Taylor may end-up being a top-5 back this year. TY Hilton and Parris Campbell are going to disappoint you.

A bunch of commenters disagreed, insisting Hines was the guy to get and Taylor as a top-5 was nuts. This is an instance of the eye-test making people too smart. Yes, Taylor netted 22 yards on 9 carries week 1. Who cares, he was great in college (larger sample size) and more importantly, Rivers looks SOOO spent that Taylor is the only obvious bell-cow RB for what is probably the best O-line in the league. You want that. Rivers threw it 25 times in week two (down from 44). Taylor had 26 carries, 2 receptions, 110 yards, and 1 touchdown. It was obvious what had to happen in Indy but fantasy groupthink herded everyone toward Hines.
If you had the audacity to ignore me on this (/s), the good news is there's still time. His trade value has skyrocketed on most charts but he's not quite valued as a top back yet. If you get the feel someone is under-valuing him, don't wait longer because his first 2 TD game is going to make him inaccessible in a trade. The Colts defense is also looking good enough to maintain a lead throughout a game, opening-up more run play calls. (Rivers sucking is going to do that all the time anyway).
And if you still don't believe me, watch his highlights from this week and you'll see why he could be such a focal point. He does a lot of things that coaches like to lean-into: great ball security, adds 2-3 yards to the end of runs, explosive speed when he has big holes.
2.Browns Offense is fine:

Don't panic about the Browns offense. Baker Mayfield looked like trash but the running offense actually looked pretty good at times...Stefanski is the guy you need to believe in... The biggest takeway from the game isn't the Browns offense is bad, its that the Ravens defense is great.

Both Browns running back scored multiple TD's and registered more than 150 yards each week 2. Baker continued to suck and it didn't matter. Stefanski's offense is good and his coaching career is a testament to his talent. All-Ivy-League Football Player. First coaching job was in the NFL. They wouldn't let him leave for 14 years because they knew he was a talent.
So don't run from Chubb or Hunt yet. And if you have them both, start them both and don't feel bad (unless you have a clearly better option like Zeke too...then probably favor starting Kareem Hunt the larger your ppr value, but its a tough call). The Browns are a perfect storm that make both startable: (a) Both Chubb and Hunt have top-5 rb talent and it comes across when you watch them on the field. With good combinations of strength and speed, each one is TD risk on every snap. (b) Sefanski divides snaps very well. Both are getting touches-a-plenty. They just signed they're "back-up" RB to a new contract (I mean, how often does that happen in the modern NFL?). KS also divides snaps by drive, unless a drive gets very long, so even if Chubb is doing well, he's going to give Kareem Hunt a whole drive. (c) starting both is fading Baker which is smart. The Browns are going to increasingly realize that their offense is more effective with Baker doing less. They may even move to Case Keenum (their back-up, legit didn't know that last week) and that's fine for Chubb/Hunt.
I wouldn't run from OBJ or Jarvis Landry yet either, though Baker's ineptitude has got to make you worry. Think about what Minnesota offenses did over the years with Diggs, Theilen, etc. Both OBJ and Landry are going to be solid bets for big-play TD's (like OBJ's last Thursday) here and there but likely not breaking the top-10. Still, the talent ceiling is high with both so a buy-low scenario where you get them in a trade could pay-off if you bet on Stefanski more than Mayfield.
3. Deandre Hopkins is the WR1

Deandre Hopkins will be the #1 fantasy receiver this year... And most importantly, the offensive situation in Arizona is the perfect storm for his fantasy situation. Kyler Murray is good, but he's not working his way through progressions yet.

Hopkins nabbed a TD but only had 9 targets this week. I'll admit that I only watched Kyler Murray's highlights so forgive me if its there and I didn't see it, buuuuut...He's not completing passes to 2nd and 3rd reads. Its one read then run. That's great for Hopkins' stats because the further into the season they get, the MORE Hopkins is going to be involved on plays designed to chuck it to him, no matter what. Hopkins is one of those guys that's always open, and Kyler is a smart player who knows that AND knows he's not good enough yet to start looking for someone else if Hopkins is "covered". That may hurt the Cardinals at some point. But Hopkins is getting fed this season.
And obviously, a rash of injuries at WR has made this look to be a better prediction. Hopkins is already a stud in that offense and he's still learning it. His stock is only going up from here.
Its true the WR's new offenses typically do poorly. A couple of reasons why that's not true of Hopkins: (a) he's physically the most gifted receiver in the league. Randy Moss kicked ass his first year with the Patriots. Some players are talented enough that it doesn't take time, as long as they're smart as hell like Randy Moss or (b) Hopkins is an intelligent dude. He negotiated his own contract and didn't fuck it up. He wants to be G.M. Big brained guy, he'll pick up quickly. You can see that on the field, he's constantly looking back at Kyler to make sure he did the right thing on each play. (c) HOF'er in the WR room: Fitz will get him up to speed fast.
Quick note about Kyler Murray: He's tearing it up. One encouraging thing that you might not see how little he's allowing himself to be tackled. As a fantasy owner, that's encouraging because it suggests he can sustain a high running floor and not get injured. And there's an added assurance that he's putting those slides for zero yards (for example) on tape because the coaches see that too and are more willing to call more of those plays down the stretch. Still, I wouldn't compare him to Lamar Jackson last season yet. Lamar Jackson was throwing TD's to his 4th and 5th read in week 1 against the Dolphins last season. Murray may hit a scheme ceiling where defenses, especially good ones, start to take away his 1 and 2 and contain his run game (though it is strong and he has good vision).

Things I was totally wrong about: zero things!

HA! Next section!

Things I'm not right about yet but pretty soon I will be:

1. Joe Burrow AJ Green is going to be good.

If you watch the game, you see Joe Burrow fitting the ball into tight windows in clutch situations. In fact, he wasn't finding a lot of open receivers, he was throwing the ball well/correctly into great coverage and making lemonade. Also, AJ Green is looking fully healthy and like his old self.

Well, AJ Green was targeted 13 times and caught...3 of those passes for 29 yards. So clearly, the chemistry between them was oversold by me last week. Still, 13 targets is encouraging and so is the Bengals inability to run the ball. No matter how much they try, they're wretched run-blocking always leaves them down late in games and in 3rd-and-forever situations. They just let a rookie throw it 61 times.
Another consideration is that Denzel Ward was covering Green all night:

A.J. Green has had an up-and-down career vs. the Browns. Thursday’s game was on the down side, and it had mostly to do with Denzel Ward.
Green had three catches for 29 yards. Overall, Ward broke up three passes against the Bengals. And according to Next Gen Stats, Ward was making life difficult for Joe Burrow all night, forcing eight tight window passes in 11 targets as the nearest defender.

Green is still pretty low on trade value charts but stands to have a huge upside as Burrow's primary target.
2. Rodgers is back.

...are there really any physical traits that are important to his game that would fade significantly at 36 year's old? I didn't see any missing zip off of his throws. I did see fucking darts getting tossed all over the field into tiny windows.

Aaron Jones is the #1 fantasy RB right now so obviously saying Rodgers is fully back is pre-mature. However, he is impressing with some very, very pretty darts.
Also, the elephant on the field for the Packers is that Aaron Rodgers is a player driven by ego. Not a knock on him, he's just a guy who needs mojo to play at his finest. Maybe it required the stimulation of an insulting draft pick to prod him back into his HOF form. I'm not saying Rodgers can be a top 3 QB this year with Jackson and Murray running so well, but 4 or 5 doesn't seem out of reach.
Rodgers is pff top-graded QB right now btw.

Fresh takes:

1.The Ravens are the best defense in the NFL.
The loss of Earl Thomas is doesn't matter as much as what has been gained with Patrick Queen and L.J. Fort. Queen is incredibly fast and explosive underneath, getting into the backfield and making big plays. And L.J. Fort (top rated pff lb right now) combine to give them rangey-coverage, tackling, and pass break-up ability over the middle they didn't have before which has further weaponized they're depth at CB (Humphrey, Peters, Smith). Peters specifically is a ball hawk that's found a great home in Baltimore; he couldn't scheme well anywhere else but Harbaugh has found a way to give him the freedom to ball hawk. Over the long haul, Harbaugh has maintained a great defense, regardless of departures/changes, for years and years. When he has this much talent, his defenses are typically dominant.
Be warry of starting iffy players against them at any position.
They're worth trading for, I think the turnovedef TD potential makes them worth it.
2. J.K. Dobbins will break-out out as the preferred option in the Ravens backfield.
Mark Ingram and Gus Edwards have both proven to be reliable RB's for the Raven offense. But Ingram is 30 with over 200 carries in 3 of the last 4 seasons. Edwards has been reliable, a home-grown UDFA. But at 238lbs and without elite speed, he's leaving many big runs on the table.
Dobbins didn't attend the combine. But ran a 4.44 40...in high school:

Dobbins posted a 4.44s 40-yard dash, 4.09s short shuttle and a 43.1-inch vertical jump as a high school senior at the event. There are also many reports that Dobbins squatted over 700 pounds.

He has power running balance and break-out speed that NONE of the other backs in Baltimore have. 4th rounder Justice Hill was their attempt of to develop that speed last year but didn't break out.
A couple of elephants make this one a good bet:
(a) Lamar's durability -- right now, he's taking a bunch of carries because he's the only one in their backfield that has the speed to break huge runs. If Dobbins can fill that role, Lamar Jackson can afford to take fewer chances and John Harbaugh can opt to only drop him back to pass 7 times in the second half when they're winning, like what happened in week 2.
(b) that defense -- Baltimore's defense is going to be great enough this year to take over games, making steady doses of run plays inevitable as they'll spend a lot of games up by 2 scores. Yes, they were up like that a lot last year but their only homerun hitter in the backfield was Lamar (see above, Justice Hill wasn't getting it done).
Here's an example: this is a shot from Gus Edwards' 22 yard scamper last week:
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https://preview.redd.it/mhhhpzmkrxo51.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=3cdf46ac4bcce3e503729f909c0e787f85459eb9
The Ravens offensive line is good at opening holes like this. While it didn't prove important in this game (BAL was up 30-16 at the time), each run like this where a more explosive player could scored is an opportunity cost for the people calling plays. And its not just points left behind, its points scored while Lamar is watching like a fan. Its points that could allow more aggressive defensive play calling. If you're a coach for Baltimore, you don't necessarily want Lamar to have a gaudy stat-line every week if you're winning. If he can throw 16 passes in a game and then sit-out the 4th quarter, that's ideal from the franchise's perspective (though not so much for Fantasy managers). Each Ingram/Edwards run that coulda been a touchdown means there's more time on the field for Lamar, larger portion of the game where they're not playing a dominant lead, and higher chance that they'll lose because points were left on the field. They need someone else hitting home runs in the running game.
Am I fading Lamar because of all of this? Not yet. Eye test = that guy is a singular talent. His throwing motion is smooth like Vick's, just a gifted, effortless release. He's also great at mostly avoiding contact (though all contact is bad contact if you're his coaches). Great decision maker too. Makes multiple reads on plays. Can't say enough about how great of player he is. Still, Baltimore is well put-together enough that they may be able to functionally win without him. So don't be surprised if, especially approaching the playoffs, Baltimore starts calling plays that don't involve as much Lamar. What's scary is that they may be a complete football team without him and he's the reigning MVP.
Finally, Dobbins had two carries last week. One was for a 44 yard gain where the blocking was good but not nearly as good as the image above. Even if the transition to him isn't fast, he could force the issue like Chubb did his rookie year, gaining 100 yards on 3 carries in a game.
No matter what, the Ravens will run by committee but there will come a point where the player to start out of the trio is Dobbins without a doubt.
3. Minshew is the truth and his team situation makes him a great fantasy player.
Minshew isn't the most talented QB in the league. But above all things, he is competitive and scrappy. The Jags are good but not great so he's going need a lot of that scrappy-iness (lol, just say that sentence out loud, you'll hear it). James Robinson is very good and they're going to lean on him a lot. But when the time for much needed yards and points, it seems like the Jags tag Gardner Minshew II's Id in at offensive coordinator. Minshew isn't likely going to be top-5 qb but he might make the top 10 and is likely easier to get than other top targets.
Part of the reason DJ Chark isn't getting the production folks hoped is because Minshew is effectively spreading the ball around. Good for the jags, bad for fantasy owners. I wouldn't panic.
One of his targets I picked-up to stash is Laviska Shenault Jr. He's getting a legit number of carries each week and averaging over 10 yards per reception. He's an interesting pick-up because he doubles as handcuffs for Robinson. Seems like his carry count could go up to 10ish no problem if the Jags lost Robinson. So pay attention to what position he's listed in your league, scoring rules about how carries count in ppr, etc. But he passes the eye test, very shifty and fast on the field.
4. Teams that are quickly turning into dumpster fires that you should across-the-board fade:
Jets
Gase is the worst. Never underestimate the ability of a shitty boss to ruin a workspace and make everyone fucking hate themselves, even though they're well compensated to play a game for a living. Listen, I know there's always gems on bad teams. But I have high blood pressure. So tuning into games with players I need to play well and watching the offense go 3-and-out 5 times in a row...I'm literally too old for that shit now so I try to stray-away from dumpster fire teams.
Vikings
Kubiak has got some big Stefanski shoes to fill and he's doing a bad job so far. I wouldn't panic about Dalvin Cook yet but another bad couple of weeks and I'd start shopping him. See the Browns thing above: Stefanski may have made the Vikings offense look better than it actually was for a decade. Combine that with the defense whose secondary would be better if they were scare crows and you're looking at a team that can't plan to run the ball for more than a quarter or 2.
Teams to be worried about:
Broncos
Whew, the injuries. They're basically just starting with new team. We'll see how things go.
Detroit
Matt Patricia may have lost this team. And coaches like him don't recover team faith/confidence well in a loss-spiral.
Texans
BoB is going to crash that plane into a mountain while we all watch. Poor Watson, just watching Deandre Hopkins ball-out. One thing you can still bet on for awhile out of the Texans offense; Bill O'Brien is ego- and career-invested in David Johnson doing great things. He'll role with him when he shouldn't to prove to everyone that he was right to trade Nuk. Its dumb. But he's dumb.

Fortune Favors The Bold (FFTB) Predictions

WARNING: What you're about to read is not necessarily good fantasy advice, but things for me to say "told you so" about a week from now. I take no responsibility for any money you lose (and all responsibility for the money you win). Still, Alexander the Great said, Fortune Favors the Bold.

1. JK Dobbins scores more fantasy points than CEH this week. (This prediction is backed-up by the time-honored tradition of spitting in one's hand and shaking on it so this shit is serious. Its also painful because I'm a Chiefs fan.)
   
2. Laviska Shenault scores a running and a receiving touchdown tonight.
   
3. Jonathon Taylor is the RB1 this week and its not close.
   
4. Danny Dimes throws 3 TD's this week against the 49ers.
   

I'm probably wrong about most of this shit but FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD!
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Thanks for reading! If I continue to be kind mostly right and people find it a good read, I'll keep posting these each week. Good luck!
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EDIT: Thanks for the awards and upvotes strangers! I'll bring the column back next week. Appreciate the comments too, thanks for the banter, shit-talk, and criticism. I'll be spittin in palms again soon.
EDIT AGAIN: Thanks again for the feedback. This is fun and I'm going to enjoy doing it again next week. Some of the comments have suggested that the post doesn't really go out on many limbs. I'll do that more in the future. I've also added an extra section with a few "FFTB predictions" for this week.

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1. Introduction

Giants fans had hopes of making a playoff push after rookie QB Daniel Jones won his first two NFL games to bring back the team to a 2-2 record. However, the team underwent a nine-game losing skid, while seeing many good players go down to injuries.
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The team fired head coach Pat Shurmur, and the new leader will be Joe Judge, a member of the Patriots coaching staff for eight years.
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There is optimism around this franchise with young budding stars on offense. After six losing seasons over the past seven years, can the Giants finally turn the corner?
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2. Offensive Position-by-Position Breakdown

2.1 Quarterbacks (QBs)
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Taking Daniel Jones as the #6 overall pick in the 2019 draft was a bit of a head-scratcher. No one is laughing at the Giants’ pick anymore.
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Jones was brilliant during preseason games by going 29-of-34 for 416 passing yards, 2 TDs and no picks. The team still gave Eli Manning the starting nod, but that didn’t last very long. Prior to Week #3, head coach Pat Shurmur announced the Daniel Jones era was about to begin.
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His first NFL game was one to remember. He threw 2 TD passes and rushed for a couple more in a wild 32-31 win in Tampa (thanks to a missed 34-yard chip shot field goal by Matt Gay).
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Jones went on to throw 24 touchdown passes by completing 284-of-459 passes, a subpar 61.9% completion rate. His main issue was turning the ball over too often: he was picked off on 12 occasions, while fumbling 18 times.
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Jones still showed a lot of upside. As a comparison, many considered Kyler Murray’s rookie season as a nice success. Both Murray and Jones threw 12 interceptions, but Jones racked up 4 additional TD passes with three fewer games played.
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Eli Manning retired after an illustrious career, so the team signed free agent Colt McCoy, formerly of the Redskins. Every time I’ve seen him play, he’s been pretty bad as a passer. He can do some damage with his legs once in a while, but that’s about it. He has 29 career TD passes versus 27 interceptions over 10 years. Draw your own conclusions.
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2.2 Running Backs (RBs)
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Saquon Barkley’s numbers were down from his rookie season, even accounting for the fact that he missed three games due to an ankle injury. His yards-per-carry average dropped from 5.0 to 4.6, which was still pretty good. He was also targeted a lot fewer in the passing game.
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I’m not worried about him. He is super talented and he will benefit from having a QB that has now more experience in this league. Defenses won’t be able to stack the line because they’ll know that Daniel Jones can be dangerous. Barkley is one of the best in the business at his position.
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Newly acquired Dion Lewis is the favorite to win the #2 role. He had his best year by far in 2017 with the Pats by rushing for 896 yards and reaching the end zone on nine occasions. His next-best season? 517 rushing yards the following year in Tennessee, but his 3.3 yards-per-carry average was really bad. He is more of a third-down back who can catch passes out of the backfield.
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Last year, Wayne Gallman seemed to be Barkley’s main backup. However, the coaching staff didn’t seem to trust him very much. Gallman even ended up being a healthy scratch for a few games.
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2.3 Wide Receivers (WRs)
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Sterling Shepard received the highest marks from PFF among Giants receivers, but one thing causes some concern about the 27-year old pass catcher: concussions. He suffered many of them during the 2019 season.
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Hopefully he can be healthy in the upcoming season because he’s been very good. If you project his 10-game 2019 season into a full 16-game year, his stat line would have been 91-922-5. He has been a consistent producer in each of his first four years in the NFL.
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Golden Tate missed 5 games last season (4 due to a suspension and 1 because of a concussion). He had missed just two contests in the previous eight seasons!
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Much like Shepard, Tate has always been a consistent player. His “worst” season between 2014 and 2018 was 74 receptions for 795 yards and 4 TDs. He will be 32 years old when the season opens, but he seems to have gas left in the tank, as shown by the fact that he was on pace for a 983-yard season last year.
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The team leader in receiving yards turned out to be a surprise: fifth-round rookie Darius Slayton. He caught 48 passes for 740 yards, while hauling in 8 TD passes. You can’t expect much more out of a fifth-rounder, especially playing with a rookie QB!
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Slayton had three games with a couple of scores. All of them occurred on the road, which shows his great character. With Shepard and Tate with a clean bill of health, I’m not sure he can match his 2019 performance, so I’d be cautious if I were a fantasy owner.
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Cody Latimer was thrown into action following the numerous injuries to the Giants receiving corps. He did a decent job, but he is now off to Washington.
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Losing Latimer won’t hurt very much. Having a trio composed of Shepard-Tate-Slayton is nice.
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2.4 Tight Ends (TEs)
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Evan Engram is certainly an upcoming tight end in the NFL. His main problem has been staying on the field. He missed one game in 2017, then five in 2018 and eight more last year. That’s worrisome.
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He underwent a surgery that requires a lengthy rehab. He is likely to miss many offseason activities.
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Prior to last year’s injury, he was on pace for his best season. If you project his numbers to a full 16-game year, he would have caught 88 passes for 934 yards and 6 TDs. Only Travis Kelce and Darren Waller caught more than 88 passes as tight ends last year.
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Rhett Ellison was mainly used as a blocking TE. He missed a few months with a concussion and decided it was time to hang up his cleats.
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In order to fill the void left by Ellison, the team signed Levine Toilolo. He only caught two passes with the Niners last year and he doesn’t offer much in the passing game. He is expected to be the primary blocking tight end in this offense.
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Kaden Smith was drafted by San Francisco last year, then released and claimed off waivers by the Giants in September. He ended up getting quite a bit of playing time following Engram’s injury. Over the final six games, he averaged 5 receptions for 45 yards. He remains unlikely to be involved very much as long as Engram is healthy since he is limited in terms of talent.
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2.5 Offensive Line (OL)
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The team needed to upgrade this position in order to make it to the next level. Other than Kevin Zeitler, all other 2019 starters were either average, or below-average.
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Zeitler had been one of the best guars in the league throughout his first seven seasons in the NFL. His 8th year, which happened to be his first in a Giants uniform, was no different. He was graded as the number 7 guard in the entire league by the PFF rating system.
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The team’s other guard, Will Hernandez, saw his PFF grade drop from 66.7 to 58.4 after being chosen in the second round of the 2018 draft. He finished as the 53rd guard out of 81 players.
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At center, the team relied on Jon Halapio. He played pretty poorly and tore his Achilles’ in the season finale. The team has yet to re-sign him as they plan to check on his rehab during the summer. If he doesn’t come back, Spencer Pulley is the favorite to get the job, but he’s no better.
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Nate Solder protects Daniel Jones’ blindside. He is now 32 years old and is coming off a year where he received his lowest PFF grade over his 9-year career. That’s a source of concern for sure.
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Finally, we are rounding off the offensive line with right tackle Mike Remmers. He was borderline starting material and he did an adequate job last year. However, he left for the Super Bowl champions Kansas City Chiefs.
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Andrew Thomas was taken with the fourth overall pick last April. He is a lock to get a starting job right away. He played RT as a freshman with Georgia, before moving to LT in the next two years. Will he play RT with the Giants, or will they use him at LT while moving Solder to RT? No matter what, he’s very likely to be an upgrade for this unit.
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The intriguing part is whether third-round rookie Matt Peart can crack the starting lineup or not. He played his first two seasons as a LT with UConn before sliding to the RT spot in his final two years. The word on Peart is he has the physical traits required to succeed, but he lacks aggressiveness and strength at the moment. He should compete with Nate Solder in training camp.
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The team signed Cameron Fleming, who has been primarily a backup during his six-year career with the Patriots and Cowboys.
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2020 VS 2019 OFFENSE
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Will the 2020 Giants offense be better than the 2019 version?
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The first thing that comes to mind is how much this unit suffered from the injury bug last year. Barkley, Tate, Shepard and Engram all missed time due injuries (or suspension). That alone is more likely to diminish than to increase, so this should help the production.
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I see more upside with this offense. Daniel Jones now has one year of experience under the belt. Dion Lewis provides better depth than Wayne Gallman or Buck Allen. The receiving corps is more likely to be healthy.
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The lone question mark concerns the offensive line. They weren’t so good last year. They didn’t address the position in free agency, so all hopes are in Andrew Thomas’ hands (and possibly to a much lesser degree, their 3rd round pick Matt Peart).
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My final conclusion is a moderate upgrade over 2019. The team had the 18th-most points scored last year, and it might go up to the 10th-14th spot.
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Final call (2020 vs 2019): Moderate upgrade
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3. Defensive Position-by-Position Breakdown

3.1 Defensive Linemen (DLs)
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This is an underrated group. They don’t have big names, but they have been pretty effective. Indeed, all four main guys finished among the top 36 DLs out of 114 qualifiers, based on PFF rankings!
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Leonard Williams was traded from the Jets to the Giants last year. He received his lowest PFF mark of his five-year career, but he was still way above-average. He is now looking at a massive contract extension.
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Dexter Lawrence was the 17th overall pick in last year’s draft. He was good in all aspects of the game and finished as the 20th-best DL in the NFL. A great start to his career!
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Dalvin Tomlinson and B.J Hill are two more young guys who have performed at a high level thus far in their respective NFL careers. Both played roughly 50% of the snaps and they finished as the number 16 and 20 interior defenders based on PFF ratings.
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3.2 Defensive Ends (DEs) / Edge Rushers (ED)
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Markus Golden led the team with 10 sacks. That was great, but he is now asking for $10 million per year, which the cash-strapped Giants cannot afford. For this reason, he is unlikely to re-sign with the team, unfortunately.
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The team found a cheaper option with Kyler Fackrell, who is coming over from Green Bay. He clearly had a down year with just one sack, one year after posting 10.5! His run defense is also very suspect.
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After being selected in third round of the 2018 draft out of Georgia, Lorenzo Carter posted 4 sacks and 41 tackles in his rookie season. He slightly increased those numbers in his sophomore year with 45 tackles and 4.5 sacks. He is an above-average, yet unspectacular, edge defender in this league.
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Rookie Oshane Ximines also recorded 4.5 sacks, but his PFF grade was much lower than Carter’s. Indeed, he wasn’t nearly as good against the run, nor in pass coverage.
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3.3 Linebackers (LBs)
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Alec Ogletree is more name than game. Most fans know him, but he never obtained a PFF mark above 63.3. His skills defending the run are simply not good. His two seasons with the Giants have been disappointing and he won’t be back with the team in 2020.
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New York signed last year’s second leading tackler, Blake Martinez. He has spent his first four years with the Packers and racked up at least 144 tackles in each of his past three years.
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Don’t be misled too much by the numbers, though. He’s not that great. He does the job, but he’s from being a top-20 linebacker.
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After two mediocre seasons and failing to crack San Francisco’s lineup during the 2019 training camp, David Mayo was an unlikely candidate to become a good LB. He had just 51 tackles in four years. Yet, he surprised many with 82 tackles and two sacks, earning surprisingly high marks from PFF. Still, I wouldn’t hold my breath about him matching his 2019 performance.
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Deone Bucannon has been a major bust as a former first-round pick in the 2014 draft. He started the year with the Bucs before being released, and then signed by the Giants. He played nine games with the team. He’s unlikely to make a big impact.
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3.4 Cornerbacks (CBs)
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Last year’s starters were rookie DeAndre Baker and Janoris Jenkins.
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Baker was picked towards the end of the first round in last year’s draft. Coming out of Georgia, he struggled mightily in coverage. PFF graded him as the number 105 CB out of 112 qualifiers. He must clearly up his game in 2020.
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Jenkins was much more solid year on the field, but off-the-field incidents led to his release late in the season. He openly complained about not being used to cover top wideouts, but the icing on the cake was an inappropriate Twitter exchange with a fan.
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The Giants made somewhat of a splash by acquiring one of the top available corners on the market, James Bradberry. He instantly becomes their starting corner opposite of Baker. He has picked up eight interceptions in his first four seasons in the league.
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PFF is not very high on Bradberry, though. He obtained the #68 spot out of 112 CBs last year, and has never received very high marks throughout his career. Don’t expect him to be the savior.
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The team’s depth is great at the position: Sam Beal, Corey Ballentine and Grant Haley aren’t good enough to start in the NFL.
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3.5 Safeties (S)
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Antoine Bethea played 99.6% of the defensive snaps last year. The team was not satisfied with his play and released him in the offseason. According to PFF, he wasn’t horrible since he ended the year as the #40 safety out of 87 guys.
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The other starter was Jabrill Peppers. The former first-round pick has done an “okay” job thus far in his career. He has one interception in each of his first three seasons.
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With a glaring hole at the position, the Giants picked up Xavier McKinney early in the second round in this year’s draft. He was very productive with the Crimson Tide while playing from different spots on defense (from the slot, as a safety, or in the box). He has great instincts, but he could improve as a tackler.
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Julian Love picked up the slack when Peppers down to an injury last year. He was a 2019 fourth-rounder out of Notre Dame and he also did respectable work.
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2020 VS 2019 DEFENSE
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Markus Golden is gone; in comes Kyler Fackrell. That’s a net loss for the Giants. I also believe the team was better off with Janoris Jenkins at CB than newly acquired James Bradberry. Also, getting rid of Antoine Bethea may not be a positive for the team when focusing on the 2020 season, although rookie Xavier McKinney could successfully fill his shoes.
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Granted, the team upgraded the linebacking corps by replacing Alec Ogletree with Blake Martinez.
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As of late February, the team had the lowest cap dollars devoted to the defensive side of the ball. You can’t expect great results under such circumstances.
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The team allowed the third-highest number of points last year, so there is not much room for going down further. Still, to me the talent level dropped a little bit overall in comparison to 2019.
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Final call (2020 vs 2019): Small downgrade
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4. Regular Season Wins

According to sportsbooks, the New York Giants are expected to win 6.5 games this season. Should we bet the “over” or the “under”?
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I'll answer this question via two different methods.
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4.1 Professor MJ's Prediction
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I won't go into the mathematical details, but here is a summary of my own personal pick (based on my analysis above and my estimated spreads for the Giants' 16 games):
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	Estimated Probability	Best Odds	ROI
OVER 6.5 WINS	24%	+130 (Pinnacle)	-44.8%
UNDER 6.5 WINS	76%	-118 (Sports Interaction)	+40.4%

Tip: Bet UNDER 6.5 wins
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4.2 Based on BetOnline's Point Spreads
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Here is the methodology I used here:

• Use BetOnline.ag’s point spreads on all 256 regular season games.
• Convert those point spreads into win probabilities.
• Simulate each of the 256 games, according to those win probabilities, via the R statistical software.
• Repeat the previous step one million times (you get 1M simulated seasons).
• Count the proportion of seasons where the Giants won more or less than 6.5 games.

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Here are the results:
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	Estimated Probability	Best Odds	ROI
OVER 6.5 WINS	35.4%	+130 (Pinnacle)	-18.6%
UNDER 6.5 WINS	64.6%	-118 (Sports Interaction)	+19.3%

Tip: Bet UNDER 6.5 wins
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In summary, both analyses recommend betting the UNDER. I do like this play quite a bit, personally. I believe their offense should be exciting to watch, but their defense is atrocious.
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Here are BetOnline’s point spreads for the Giants’ 16 regular season games:

• HOME: 0 vs ARI, +1 vs CLE, +3 vs DAL, +3.5 vs PHI, +3 vs PIT, +7.5 vs SF, +3 vs TB, -5 vs WAS.
• ROAD: +12.5 @ BAL, +5 @ CHI, 0 @ CIN, +7.5 @ DAL, +7.5 @ LAR, +5 @ PHI, +9 @ SEA, 0 @ WAS.

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Note: The “Best odds” from the table above were obtained after looking at 13 well-known online sportsbooks on May 18th, 2020.
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TOMORROW: The 2020 preview for the San Francisco 49ers (the team whose ROI is the 14th-highest in the NFL)!
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Professor MJ

There are people who think I’m joking when I believe Ryoma is in my opinion, the best character in Danganronpa, along with being my favourite. Well the truth is, I completely stand by it. Ryoma perfectly encompasses the themes of attempting to take back what you throw away, and how people struggle and react to utter failure and regret. He is also in my opinion, one of the most well rounded characters, with a consistent but not predictable personality. He is one of the least hated DR characters, as there’s nothing that immediately makes you go “ah fuck this guy.” He’s not perverted, loud, or an asshole which may be an immediate turnoff for some people. However, he’s like Sakura in the line that people generally like him, but seldom talk about or mention him.
Design
The most anticipated part of my writeup is in fact, Ryoma’s appearance. Ryoma, I believe, has one of the best designs in all of Danganronpa, for two reasons. Firstly, it has a ton of aesthetic appeal, and second, every single part of him has something to say about his character. They say don’t judge someone by their cover, but covers should serve to give people a taste, a hook, something to pique their interest while being as honest towards the content of their character as possible. A disclaimer, for anyone saying he looks too weird in DR, remember that this is a game with talking psychopathic teddy bears, actual robots, and serial killers with tongues that are a meter long, so a tennis pro midget is not outside the realm of possibility.
So what does it mean by the fact that Ryoma has an aesthetic appeal? Well, immediately, there should be something you can say to describe his appearance. When you first look at him, in full contrast to everyone else, he is a very short, strangely proportioned little guy with a dark outfit. I think the two categories people put him into is adorable if not somewhat cursed, and edgy. His dark outfit does not set him apart when it comes to colour scheme. A few other DR characters have a pale complexion with dark colour schemes, even in V3, such as Kirumi, Keebo, and Korekiyo. The lack of any red in his outfit tends to show that he’s more brooding and contemplative than he is loud and aggressive. However, Ryoma’s outfit does make him stand out. The candy cigarette in his mouth, along with his striped prison shirt/pants and a leather jacket makes him seem like a criminal or delinquent, rather than a student. Characters in DR tend to wear school uniforms, and usually have one or two things tangentially related to their talent. Ryoma does have something related to his talent, which is the markings on his hat, but he sets himself apart by wearing a fairly unique outfit, that still makes people think he’s dark, badass, or edgy. Which on first glance, he is, but a lot more than that. His overall appearance is very soft, as everything about him is rounded save for the points on his hat. Combine that with large, but not sunken eyes, rosy cheeks, and the fact that he’s 3.5 heads tall, that makes up quite a few features people would consider “cute.” Not in the flirtatious “god damn I wanna put him thigh highs and squeeze his ass” type, but in the “I like looking at this thing let’s keep it alive for a while”. These two things make people want to look at Ryoma and find out who he is, his appeal. And as you can see, though it’s eye catching, it’s never intrusive.
Getting into his actual appearance, like I said, every single thing about his design says something about him. There are many things that make him seem cute, which is contrasted by his deep voice and serious personality, but the cuteness is never weakened by it. However, his cuteness is the thing closest to “not saying something” about him, as it mostly provides contrast to his character. You almost never see anyone mention Ryoma’s height. They simply don’t bring it up except for that one line Miu said. However, Ryoma is far beyond relatable when it comes to his height, as any attempt to refer to it will likely be for humour, and Ryoma isn’t about physical comedy. No one will actually empathize with Ryoma’s shortness, and say “Oh yeah Ryoma I also need a step stool when taking a piss,” so it’s best that the game didn’t do that.
So starting from top to bottom, there’s Ryoma’s hat. His hat makes sure we don’t immediately realize he doesn’t have eyebrows, but it also says a lot about who he is. The points on the hat sorta resembles a cat, showing his love for cats, and the marking on it resembles tennis rackets, showcasing his talent. He also frequently uses his hat to reflect this mood, like pulling it down when he’s annoyed or angered. Unlike Shuichi, however, you can always get a clear view of his face. This means he doesn’t use his hat to intimidate people, like say Jotaro, or hide behind it, like Shuichi. However, it’s something that likely holds personal and sentimental value to him, as he is always wearing it and because of its ties to his talent. A recurring thing on Ryoma is that despite him saying all the time, that he has no interest in tennis anymore, there are so many things that point out the contrary, that he does hold onto it, but will likely never admit it. Which is elaborated in the story of course, but also hinted in how he looks. For instance, he keeps his hair very short, which is uniform with some sports teams, if you look at Leon for example. Though it might be a prison regulation, even his underwear refers to his time playing tennis, as it was apparently what everyone in his team had to wear. The cigarette and leather jacket imply that he’s either a delinquent, or trying to look like one, as both are pretty stereotypical for a delinquent. However, the fact that his jacket buttons have cat faces on it, also refers to his love of cats. If you take the time to look down, you can see that he has horizontal stripes on his pants, just like what you see in stereotypical prisoner outfits. Combine this with the anklet on his foot, it becomes pretty clear that he was once a prisoner, though you probably won’t notice it until after his introduction.
If you look at his body type, he is obviously very small, only 3.5 heads tall. He by all rights, doesn’t look like a tennis player, especially since his legs don’t make a large percentage of his body. However, you can tell that despite his soft appearance, his body is very muscular, especially on the legs. This makes sense, as tennis players need a lot of leg endurance and strength to run through the court and rally the ball effectively, doubly so considering his lack of height. Though his height does absolutely no favours for his talent, his physique shows that he does everything he can to make up for his handicap, and succeeds at it. His body also looks quite masculine, as he has relatively narrow hips, and has a very wide chest and waist, making his body look almost rectangular. However, still, nothing in his body is sharp or angular, making him look more approachable despite his attempts to not be. And of course, there’s his bulge which might not be immediately noticeable, but it’s very present. There are your bishounen type bodies like Shuichi, your more muscular kind, like Kaito, the thicc types like Hifumi, and the full out baras like Gonta. Ryoma does not really fall under any of the body types, though he is closer to toned with a good amount of muscle than anything else. But I think how unique he looks, even compared to the other “cartoony characters” like Teruteru and Hifumi shows how much he stands out in the crowd. Though his appearance isn’t all his character, taking away its uniqueness I believe will dampen it. People who don’t like Ryoma’s design, I’d really like to ask you what you’d change it to? I can’t imagine him looking like anyone else, even if it may make him more “conventionally popular.” I also like how his height subtly plays into the investigation behind his death, as only Ryoma would realistically fit in a piranha tank.
In a tangent, Ryoma is not a shota. He is probably the only V3 character that is definitely legal, as he was on death row. Only people 18 and over in Japan can receive a death penalty. The rest of the characters are high school aged, but nothing that makes them infallibly 18. Don’t take this the wrong way, I do not consume any loli/shota hentai and I judge people who do consume them. However, the thing about shotas is that they have very thin, almost androgynous bodies. Ryoma on the other hand, has a very muscular, well built frame. His dick is also probably pretty huge, as it being big would provide even more contrast to his short appearance and cute face. And even if you said that the bulge doesn’t look that big, think about this; that bulge was approved and drawn by a real person. The fact that the artist decided “Hmm yeah let’s draw a bulge on him” at all and not anyone else except Nekomaru, who also probably has a huge dick shows that comparatively, Ryoma is a cut above the rest.
Though poses I believe have become less expressive than they were in DR1, Ryoma still shows a lot with his poses. His default sprite has him clenching his fist, and he tends to have his back straight, showing his alertness to his surroundings. I think people underestimate how much people gesture with their hands in conversation. He often puts his hands in his pockets, which shows how he tries to keep himself away from other people, by not showing his hands. Though Ryoma is actually a quite open person, he is shown to not want to get too friendly with others, and he hides his emotions, or at least, doesn’t bother to show them too much. If you look at his expressions, he never blushes, cries, gives uproarious laughter, and only in one sprite does he actually open his mouth to the point where you can see his tongue, which shows he doesn’t mouth off very often.
The history of Ryoma’s development was a mix of things that by all rights, should not work, but did in the end. According to the translation of Ryoma’s design development, he was initially developed as an Ultimate Prisoner before being associated with tennis. As you can see in his cursed beta drawings, the Ultimate Prisoner motif was very heavy, and there was not a lot of tennis involved in his design. All of his beta designs had the striped prison outfit and a few of them even had the chain design that would become his anklet. Making him edgy yet cute was something that spawned very early, and it was something that they wanted to make very apparent, unlike Bandai who had cute aspects but was generally a subversion. The tennis part spawned as a Prince of Tennis reference, but I appreciate that the devs took Ryoma in a very distinct direction that still pays homage to his talent origin. Unfortunately, I haven’t watched Prince of Tennis and I cannot use it to forward my understanding of Ryoma. One last thing is his name, which I believe has meaning. Hoshi means Star, which relates to his fame as the Ultimate Tennis Pro, and Ryoma means Dragon Horse. Of course, dragons are depicted as legendary, deified mythical creatures, but more interesting they’re associated with rainfall and water. The water part is coincidental with his death by drowning. Horses in Japan have been used in races and bets, one of the exceptions to the illegality of gambling in the country, which coincides with Ryoma’s hidden competitive nature. Ryoma’s name is a reference to the Prince of Tennis above all else, but it’s pretty interesting to see these very far coincidences.
In conclusion about visual appearance, it’s my opinion that you do not waste your words. In visual design, you should never waste the space given to you. And Ryoma, everything about his appearance will say something about his character, big or small. Many characters have designs that look flashy, but don’t say much about them. Like what is there about Keebo in his design apart from “look at me I kinda look like Makoto and am a robot student.” Nothing about him says anything about the kind of person he is, his interests, desire, apart from the fact that he’s a robot. Though not exactly flashy, I think the same can be said about Shuichi, I have to agree with Bokkun’s point here. Apart from his colour scheme and hat, there’s basically nothing in his outfit that gives off who he is. It doesn’t have to give his talent, but at the same time, there’s almost nothing about his personality apart from maybe he’s dark and serious, considering his all black palette.
His voice is another aspect of his design worth noting. In all honesty, it doesn’t take that much skill to sound like Ryoma, only range. Ryoma’s voice, though deep and crooning, is almost never used in a way like Fuyuhiko or Korekiyo, where the VA just talks their heart out and shows their full range of emotions. He rarely raises his voice, let alone yells, his laughs are usually quite reserved, and he of course, never cries. Overall, his voice is as reserved as his expressions. However he’s far from monotone, as you can still tell when he sounds annoyed, surprised, or at ease. Furthermore, his manner of speech is very unique. Despite seeming like a gruff edgelord, he actually never swears, showing that he’s fairly eloquent, and extremely level-headed, despite his background as a prisoner. Swearing is for people who get angry easily (Mondo), are vulgar (Miu), or way too fucking passionate (Kaito.) Ryoma actually extends to the opposite, where he says things like “uncool,” “lame,” and uses very hip phrases like “cool your jets, kid.” I don’t exactly know how to explain it, but this is the exact opposite of swearing, saying these phrases unironically. Ryoma may seem melodramatic at times when he talks about how depressed he is and how he was once in prison, but it’s the minority of his dialogue and he tends to have a very reasonable voice and great banter otherwise, which adds to his humanity. And his more hammy lines that use all the writing mechanisms of a 9th grade English class are never without purpose, he’s never saying it to prove that he is in fact very edgy. For example, "This world can be too big and bright for eyes that have spent too long staring down. So be careful. Don't let your eyes deceive you..." is very melodramatic and probably not something anyone will say in real life. However, him saying this never seems vapid, and always tends to be formed like advice meant to be given to someone, like it’s someone who’s lived through the worst hoping that someone like you will never make the same mistakes he did. It shows that he is overall, a tired, depressed person who made many mistakes in his life, and cried his fair share of tears, and is only hoping that he’s the only one that’s broken and downtrodden. One more thing that Ryoma does a lot is that he begins a lot of sentences with “Hmph,” indicating a bit of apathy when he talks, and it’s honestly something that people do sometimes. And in the Japanese version, where people tend to speak with honorifics, Ryoma does absolutely none of that and calls everyone by their last name alone, showing that he’s putting pragmatism over pleasantries.
One of V3’s criticisms is the whole “catchphrase syndrome”. You’ve probably heard of it, how many characters have repeatable phrases that make up their entire character, like “Do you wanna die?” “Degenerate Male!” “Gonta Gentleman” “It’s Magic” “That’s Robophobic” “It’s a Lie!” for example. Ryoma has his own catchphrase, “Still got a ways to go.” This is a reference to the catchphrase to Ryoma Echizen, the Prince of Tennis and one of the things that inspired Ryoma’s existence. However, I think Ryoma’s catchphrase is very benign compared to the others, as it doesn’t immediately give away his feelings and motivations. It can be used in many contexts, such as using it in a condescending manner. He may also use it in a constructive tone, as in “hey you need to pick yourself up,” and also as an admittance of his flaws. You never expect Ryoma to circle back to his catchphrase. I don’t wanna shit talk the others, but it’s pretty clear Tenko talks about her hatred of men a lot, or how Angie talks about Atua a lot. But for Ryoma, you never know what can lead to him saying that, which is what makes it different.
First Impressions
Most people’s reaction to Ryoma when they first meet him can be summed up like this. Some people criticize Ryoma’s introduction as a huge sign saying “do my free time events.” Well, isn’t that the same for any Danganronpa character? Everyone wants to have an interesting hook so you will continue to look for them and invest yourself into their character. Getting back on point, overall, he’s a lot to take in. He’s a midget, who sounds like Gundham, who has been to prison, and who took down a mafia with his tennis skills. He’s very far out there when it comes to design, but what I see in him is that despite this, he is very human, and dare I say, relatable. Parts of his personality already apparent is despite being supposedly “edgy”, he isn’t so closed off. He’s actually surprisingly open about his past, as he starts off by saying that yeah, he killed because he didn’t need a future anymore. We see that he punishes himself over his own actions, as he says that he’s a loser that used his talent to kill, and that he doesn’t want “clean, good” people interacting with a murderer like him, as he warns Kaede not to walk up to a killer like that. Finally, one thing you’ll see Ryoma do a lot in his dialogue is stop himself whenever he starts to get sentimental. After saying he doesn’t have a future, he says “It’s not like me to talk so much,” Or something like that. We’ll see why he does this later.
Chapter 1.
What I like about Ryoma is that he never truly fades into the background in his short time on screen. Though his lifespan isn’t terribly long, his presence is made clear. Ryoma is a character who burns brightly, but dies quickly. So what does Ryoma do in the story? What you’ll see Ryoma do quite a bit is comment on Kaede/Shuichi but mostly Shuichi’s character. He actually gives a ton of sound advice, like “The best thing to do is live life with confidence,” and "I understand that you want to believe in everyone, but... Idealistic thoughts like that won't save anyone. You might end up losing what you tried to save.". In truth, a lot of his advice comes from his own past, as he’s always talking as if he’s trying to keep people away from the fate that he suffered. The bitter irony is, he could get a lot out of following his own advice. He becomes more relevant near the body discovery.
Shuichi and Kaede walk in on Ryoma and Rantaro arguing, and Ryoma has a simple suggestion; someone should kill him and take the perk. That way, only he dies, which is fine in his eyes, and one person can go free and get help, and no one dies to the time limit. Though he is depressed, he truly does care for everyone else, and is attempting to die for something, as he says “even if it can save one more person…” Rantaro and Kaede manage to talk Ryoma out of it, as Rantaro says that he has a plan to end it. Despite him not saying anything more, Ryoma puts his faith into Rantaro despite Ryoma having a “safe, guaranteed” solution, showing that he’s willing to put his faith in others and he isn’t just some uncooperative edgelord. We all know that it doesn’t end up working out, as Rantaro kicks the bucket. We see that upon coming across Rantaro’s body, Ryoma felt guilt. He says “How ironic… the guy who wanted to live ended up dead, and the guy who wanted to die survived.” He knows that this could’ve been avoided if Rantaro had just taken up on his offer, and this would only be made worse as Kaede would end up being the culprit. He once again gives advice towards Shuichi, as he can see Shuichi’s doubt in convicting one of the remaining students. This foreshadows how the culprit was actually the person Shuichi wanted to convict the least, and once again, Ryoma gives more life advice that ties to Shuichi a lot. He says how it’s better to suspect others than not, which came to Shuichi in the form of 3-4, and that those who speak are heard, which ties to Shuichi’s unwillingness to reveal the truth in the face of adversity. And what I like about Ryoma is that he is always saying something that pertains to whoever he is talking to, and you can clearly tell that he has opinions about the others. He believes that Shuichi needs a lot of work as a detective, to find the truth, but still believes in his ability.
In the first trial, he is on a stepstool which is hilarious. Apart from that, he provides a good amount of contribution in the first trial. He supports Gonta by making it clear that everyone’s lives depended on his testimony, tying to what he said to Shuichi. And this shows that he’s sympathetic to Gonta’s situation, which is something in short supply in a killing game trial. He also started the first rebuttal showdown, where he argued that the culprit killed Rantaro and hid in the library until everyone else showed up. Which turned out to be correct in a sense, but you can see that he’s very level headed even when directly arguing against Kaede. Though he was at first, very critical of Kaede’s logic, he always keeps himself on the subject, and readily retracts his statement when disproven. Ryoma may not be the most talkative person in trials, but he is one of the most intelligent people, and not in an iamverysmart way. A lot of students tend to jerk off and say nothing of use in trials, but Ryoma does that basically none of the time. He does not waste his words, which is something I emphasized in his appearance, everything he says has a contribution to the trial, one way or another. Being smart doesn’t always mean having the right answers from the beginning, which is impossible in a class trial. In my opinion, being intelligent involves being able to convey your message clearly, which Ryoma does in the rebuttal showdown. It also involves being able to account for as much as possible when theorizing, and Ryoma shows it by being readily able to change his thoughts based on evidence, despite not always having the right theory. And even then, his theories tend to have some weight to it, especially the one where Shuichi may have disguised the receiver, and not because “lmao he looks suspicious.” Onto that subject, he was one of the main people who bid towards Shuichi being the culprit; he explained it by saying that Shuichi could’ve turned off the receiver to fool Kaede, giving him the opportunity to kill Rantaro. Kaede is found out as the culprit, yet in the end, Ryoma didn’t blame Kaede for killing Rantaro, and he still had faith that Kaede wanted to save everyone, despite her actions. He said that “if that was a lie too, that would be the last straw for (him.)” This ties back to how he has actual thoughts about other people. He believes Kaede is a good person, and has faith in her despite her idealism, but like in his introduction, he believes that a clean person like Kaede shouldn’t waste her time on a doomer like him. When Kaede is executed, though Ryoma doesn’t cry or shout in rage, he said that he didn’t remember the last time he was so irritated, showing that despite the death of their leader, he is still emotionally reserved. However, Kaede would’ve still been alive had she just taken Ryoma’s plan, which I believe weighs on him.
Chapter 2: Ryoma takes a more central appearance this time around, but unfortunately, this is the chapter that he bites the dust. It is one of shining hope and crushing tragedy and despair. With the next floor unlocked, and Shuichi riding solo, Ryoma once again gives his own advice to Shuichi. Ryoma warns him, saying that “the world can be too big and bright for those who have spent their entire lives looking down. Don’t let your eyes deceive you…” This is also in reference to him, as Ryoma has spent a lot of time looking down rather than forward, and has never thought once about continuing his life meaningfully. When his lab opens, Ryoma claims that he doesn’t care because he has nothing to do with tennis anymore, but this is where I think Shuichi’s detective skills have relevance outside of murder. Despite his words, Shuichi catches on that he still has passion for tennis. Once again, I’ll refer to how Shuichi says “why do you look at the court with such sad eyes?” It’s not that he lost his passion, it’s that Ryoma doesn’t feel like he deserves the title, or to play tennis, as he tarnished the sport with killing. He is someone who claims to have thrown away his past, but is someone who can’t stop thinking about it. I think this is where Ryoma’s envy stems, how he is always hung up in thinking about his past, berating his past self, when people are moving forward one way or another. This is supported with how Ryoma tells Shuichi “It’s like your eyes have stopped focusing on the past… Hmph, your face looks more dependable.”
Ryoma is in the Commemorative Medal bonus event, where he plays the slots with Shuichi and friends. This doesn’t show all that much about him, but it is good to see that even someone like him is able to have fun once in a while. However, I picked up how he continued to reference tennis despite him claiming to have no involvement anymore, talking about a few rituals his team did. Another thing is that he says “I win simply because I am confident in my skills. That’s all it takes.” It almost seemed like a glimpse of his old self rose out of him for that sentence. This made me think about how yeah, Ryoma does have a low opinion of himself, but it’s not for the same reason as say, Fuyuhiko or Taka who have self esteem issues. The latter are insecure about their own ability to be Yakuza/be the best a student can be. Ryoma is 100% confident in his skills, and has never doubted it. Ryoma knows what he is doing, and he always seems to have the right words to say to get his point across, but his conflict isn’t lack of self confidence destroying his passion, but the feeling that he squandered his potential and threw away his future. Though this was a fun interaction between Ryoma and Kaito, I’m still sad that it wasn’t expanded as much as I’d like, as this is only an optional scene. And furthermore, this is like the only time where Ryoma shows his incredibly confident, competent self in front of Kaito, the Ryoma that he idolized, yet it was never elaborated on in this event, or the story since Kaito is busy being a bitch and losing smhing my head.
Of course, moving on, when the motive videos move around, Ryoma is the only one along with Kokichi to vouch in favour of sharing the videos. Though Kokichi thinks it’ll stir shit up, Ryoma supports it because he wants to find someone who cares for him outside; something in his past that he can look forward to finding again if he were to ever escape. For his information, he had nothing, he thought he lost everything. He has no desire to kill even if he had his motive video, as he wants a motivation to live in the first place. Kaito doesn’t understand this, and calls Ryoma out for being a walking husk of his former self. Here, we see that Kaito’s speeches and reinforcement doesn’t reach out towards everyone, especially not Ryoma. We also see that Kaito once looked up to Ryoma when he was younger, and that he expected the Ultimate Tennis Pro to be up for any challenge, and now that he gets to meet him, he finds only a shell of what once was. For Kaito, it’s like seeing someone he admired broken and defeated, which is something very disappointing to him. Though the things he said to Ryoma were admittedly uncool, Kaito didn’t understand what it was like to be in Ryoma’s shoes. I’m not trying to say that Kaito is unempathetic, but he always resorts to his tried and true methods to give motivation which bites him in the ass in 3-4 but that’s another story.
While we’re on this topic, Ryoma and Kaito’s relationship is something that I believe is the most wasted, as though it’s very in character for Kaito to resent Ryoma’s lack of motivation, nothing about Ryoma’s death seems to carry over to Kaito. How Kaito once saw Ryoma should’ve been expanded more, as we know Kaito knew about Ryoma in an almost celebrity like fashion and it shows that even then there aren’t people personally connected to him, there are people who admire and love him. It may seem pretentious to quote Bojack Horseman, but here it is; “One day, you’re gonna realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you; and that’s the loneliest feeling in the world.” I think this holds true for Ryoma, as only Kaede and Shuichi really try to understand him as a person, but this should’ve been expanded. Of course he had admirers like Kaito, young kids with tennis rackets wanting to grow up and be like the super-star tennis pro. But you can see that Kaito values the idea that Ryoma created, being a prodigious, unstoppable athlete more than a person who has changed for better or worse in the face of hardships. In order to like someone as a person, you have to understand where they’re coming from, and you can’t be infatuated with a perfect idea of them, you have to know who they really are. And Kaito can’t bear to see what Ryoma has truly become. This woulda been really interesting if Kaito’s or anyone else’s ideals were challenged by Ryoma’s death. But they weren’t, they were just like “well I’m afraid to look at my motive video now, but let’s move on.” Ryoma is a very good contrast to Kaito’s aggressively idealistic behavior, and it’s also clear that though Ryoma clearly disagrees with Kaito’s outlook, he can’t even bring himself to push back against Kaito, which is what Kaito probably would’ve wanted. He just says something like “Think what you want about me.” I think Kaito is the kind of person who sees discourse as a source of power. As in, you can tell in his FTEs that Kaito is impressed if Shuichi decides to push back against Kaito, but only in a “ha you actually have balls, good on you!” type of deal, rather than trying to understand why someone would push back against him. And when his philosophy is meaningfully pushed, it’s shown that he’s harmfully stubborn, as shown in 3-4, but it really should’ve been shown here as well. Kaito is essentially the same person from 3-2 going to 3-3, very cringe, let’s move on.
Ryoma’s story begins to reach its end during the Insect Meet N Greet, where he meets Shuichi outside of the dorm. He apologizes to Shuichi for saying uncool things like having no will to live. He admits his jealousy towards everyone else, how they had a will to live when he didn’t, but Ryoma is done with wallowing around, actually trying to make an effort for once. He of course, is attempting to find someone to live for. He also displays the power of a true tennis pro, by being able to dodge Gonta effortlessly, with his Shukuchi Method, once again displaying his total confidence in his abilities. However, his arc ends in utter tragedy. Ryoma finally managed to get a hold of his motive video by bargaining with Maki, but when he finally gets to see it, that’s when any hope he had that built up through his entire arc; it gets shattered. His arc wasn’t interrupted, it ended right here basically. He finds out the truth that he feared, but in the back of his mind always knew; he truly had no one who cared for him. This left him utterly crushed, and we all know that Kirumi was given too much will to live with her own motive video. Kirumi calls Ryoma over to meet in his lab, and spills her motivation. He resigns his own life to her, saying that “If you’ve got something to live for, it means your life has value.” Though people may debate Ryoma’s morality by him forfeiting his life, thus risking the lives of the other 13, I think it’s because Ryoma was so overcome with despair, he gave up at that very moment. Ryoma kicks the bucket, setting up the investigation. People debate whether Ryoma gave up his life, or if Kirumi merely said that so we’d give her sympathy. I think it’s good that it’s left ambiguous, but I believe that Ryoma did give up his life. He left scratches in the sink, because even a man who hangs himself will grab the rope, and there’s no way Kirumi would beat Ryoma in a fight, as Ryoma is far more agile than she is.
We get to see Ryoma’s motive video at the end of the trial, and the cast watched in horror as the video drew a blank. This builds up even more hatred toward the mastermind if executing Kaede wasn’t enough, making a motive that would drive someone to despair like that. Speaking of despair, Ryoma was the only victim who gave into despair. No one willingly gave up their lives like Ryoma did, and it was overall really heartbreaking to see a man teetering on the brink be pushed over the edge. All the other victims had hope in them, but one way or another, that hope got them killed, and they died clinging to it; but not Ryoma; that defeat is what caused the end for him. Though some people may debate that this was a bad ending for Ryoma, well yes it was bad for him, but writing wise, it’s fitting. Some arcs don’t end up in death because they’re interrupted (Take Hiyoko and Taka), but they end because the person in question loses. It is tragic how despite his best efforts, he couldn’t find the will to live he was desperately looking for. A lot of people bash Kirumi’s motive, but I accept it, because Ryoma and Kirumi contrast each other quite well. As Angie put it, “It’s bad to have no will to live, but it’s also bad to have too many things to live for.” Ryoma died for nothing, and Kirumi killed for everything. And with Kirumi being the Prime Minister, the government got to let Ryoma down one last time. As we will find out in his FTEs, the mafia scum murdered Ryoma’s family, and the police did nothing, likely because they were in the mafia’s pocket. When Ryoma took matters into his own hands, he was punished for it, thrown in prison. And finally, he died for a world that existed only to make his life miserable. This entire deadly life was so horrifying to the remaining cast, they collectively agreed to swear off searching for their own motive video, for the rest of the game, not wanting to end up like Ryoma or Kirumi. However, there was no need; Tsumugi accomplished the video’s purpose.
Finally, this will sound very cringe but I will bring up something I believe ties really well with Ryoma and Kirumi. Good victims and culprits create their own narrative, thematically tied together. I believe this with Nekomaru and Gundham, and also Mondo and Chihiro, and of course, Ryoma of Kirumi. They are like kindred spirits, not just because of their contrasting responses to their motives, but their contrasting responses to death. They are literally a bit like Kindred from everyone’s favourite game that they play for the lore and story, League of Legends. Kindred for a bit of context, are a personification of death like the grim reaper, composed of Lamb and Wolf. Lamb is someone who knows a lot of death, and even understands it, but it cannot feel the feelings that dying people face. She represents the people that choose to accept death peacefully. On the other hand, Wolf is someone who doesn’t understand his emotions toward death, but feels it, representing those who would choose to go out kicking and screaming above all else without thinking about its consequences. Ryoma is like Lamb, because he perfectly understands Kirumi’s motivation, and has basically accepted his death, yet decides not to reveal his dying emotions. From his life experience, he understands death, he’s been around a lot of death, but he goes out coldly. While Kirumi is someone who despite her facade, is far less understanding of her own emotions. She’s hypocritical, desperate, and even admits her lack of emotional understanding in her love hotel. However, in her final moments, she feels all the pain, desperation, and despair that one can feel in a lifetime, and fights to her dying breath. These two contrasting views on death are why I believe Kirumi and Ryoma are incredibly good thematic contrasts.
After this, Ryoma is brought up again, never. I’ve talked about Kaito, but no one else really gives thought about Ryoma himself, except for when Angie said she’d rather not revive him because he killed people before (But Ryoma never killed anyone that didn’t deserve it.) However, I believe that the main story of V3 is kinda horse shit, with the whole gofer project and meteors and flashback light that encompass the story until the very end, and I don’t think anyone really benefited from being directly impacted by this story. I think the less involved with V3’s main story you are, the better (see Korekiyo and Tenko and Kirumi.)
The final question is, does Ryoma have potential if he survived or lived longer? Well, yes, I think, though I don’t know if he’d be overall “better.”. I would’ve liked to see how he would interact with Angie trying to keep everyone in the school, seeing the world destroyed, or how he found out his entire life is fiction. However, for every opportunity, there is risk. Many DR characters that survive tend to fade into the background with no actual relevance unless they’re a main character, like Sonia, Akane, Himiko, etc. And V3 has a very heavy focus on “main characters”, like Shuichi, Kaito, Maki, and Kokichi. Sometimes, having a short but emotionally gripping arc is better than fading away and doing jack shit.

Monday, August 17th, 2020
Winston Beavers was having a very bad day.
It all began at 5 AM when his phone alarm vibrated. He rolled over on his belly and silenced it before it could wake Tai. It was the first day of class, but Winston wasn’t rising early to drink coffee and read the student newspaper. Instead, he grabbed his trusty silk tie and used it to hang his tablet from the sprinkler head. He slipped his headphones on, booted up some porn, and got straight down to business with both hands.
Now his contraption was holding on by faith and faith alone. But Winston paid no mind. He listened to Irish redheads moaning in his ear while he arched his back and curled his toes. And with each passing second, the weight of the tablet began to wear on the old, rusty sprinkler head.
So, when Winston exploded, so did that sprinkler head.
“Fuck!” Winston yelled, choking on a mouthful of rusty water. He tumbled off the top bunk, landing square on his ass. He scrambled to his feet, grabbed a binder from his desk, and rushed out the room - slipping on the puddle on his way out. Tai was already in the hallway, naked and wrapped in a wet blanket.
“What the hell, asshole?!” Tai blurted out, shivering with his laptop and backpack in each hand. “I told you not to jerk off like that!”
“Save your breath, partner,” Winston reassured him. “This here binder is the only important thing in that goddamn room.”
As water seeped into the hallway, Winston reckoned his luck had finally run out. Earlier this week, the Asheville PD had informed him that his prized Single Action Army was nowhere to be found in evidence. But he still had his precious binder, with the letters BDE inscribed on the spine. And when the water was finally shut off, Winston stuffed the binder back in his desk and made Tai pinky swear to keep it a secret.
***
A few hours later, Tai sat on the sofa in a local Asheville coffee shop with a drink and a bible in front of him.
“As your wing-woman, I shall provide some friendly reminders!” Gigi cheerfully told Tai over the phone. “Make sure you’re facing the door so you can see when he comes in. Oh, and remember the order of operations: turn a page, sip your drink, make eye contact. Turn, sip, eyes!”
“Uh, are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Tai whispered, as sleepy, hungover students filed in.
“I’m setting you up on an impromptu date on a Monday morning, am I not?”
“And have you run this strategy by amateur wingman extraordinaire Winston Beavers?”
Gigi paused. “Winston and I are...no longer on speaking terms. Sorry! I do not consent to any conversation about the aforementioned obnoxious brute whatsoever. Good luck!”
Gigi hung up. So Tai, who had never touched a bible, flipped to Ephesians like Gigi had coached him before. In fact, she’d planned out everything down to the last detail: the NIV version of the bible, the iced caramel macchiato, and the red and white checkerboard Vans he wore.
But Tai’s mind wandered to a more interesting book that he also had not yet read. He wanted to know what the hell was in Winston’s binder.
Suddenly, Jacky California walked into the cafe. Showtime. His 7:30 coffee break was expected. (Gigi found Jacky’s schedule on Facebook, and a quick visit to this cafe before 8 AM Intermediate Spanish just made sense.) Check. Turn, sip, eyes. Jacky waited in line, wearing a slim-fit red Abercrombie polo, bleached holy jeans, and his prized red and white checkerboard Vans. And his shoe decision, yet again, was also expected. (Gigi discovered that Jacky had only two classes on Monday, influencing his choice in that comfy pair of shoes that he wore in his profile pic). Check. Turn, sip, eyes. When Jacky stepped up to the counter, he ordered an iced caramel macchiato. And, once again, Gigi predicted this move. (Whatever the weather, Jacky’s SoCal roots virtually guaranteed an icy, watered-down coffee approach. Not to mention, nobody drinks hot coffee after sitting in the tanning bed for 30 minutes. Which, according to Gigi’s sleuthing, Jacky partook in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.) Check. Turn, sip, eyes. Finally, while waiting for his order, Jacky pulled out his NIV study bible and flipped to the Book of Acts. (This time, Gigi was only partially off-base. His Facebook modeling photos were actually captioned with Ephesians bible verses. Nothing a quick fix couldn’t remedy). So Tai flipped straight to Acts, took a long sip of his macchiato, and made direct eye contact with Jacky as he walked over.
“Bro, this is freakin’ gnarly!” Jacky said in disbelief, pointing out their matching shoes, bible, and drink. “This is some righteous Revelation-level prophecy if I’ve ever seen it. Hey, my name’s Jacky. Is this seat ocupado?”
***
“Oh no!” Claire exclaimed, stroking Winston's fuzzy beard. “I’m, like, totally sorry about my stud’s mishap this morning!”
“Thank ya, peach pie,” Winston said, shaking his head. “I reckon they’ll move my ass to the broom closet and hang me out to dry.”
Claire and Winston were sitting in the Rec Center courtyard in athletic gear, along with several other hungover students. This was the Outdoors Adventures Seminar, AKA “Outside 101.” For many, it was a breezy way to snag the required Health and Fitness credit hour. And that's exactly why Gigi and Frank were also in this class. They sat on the opposite side of the courtyard, quietly gossipping and shooting the occasional glance their way.
“Your friends over there are, like, totally ignoring us!” Claire piped up, tugging Winston’s sleeve. “That’s, like, so rude.”
“Don’t trouble yourself, puddin’ muffin. They just ain’t ready for us yet.”
“And, like, oh my God! Ryan flat-out told me those are, like, the two people who broke into the frat house and blew up his daddy’s ashes! They are, like, total thugs. Ew!”
“Ah, my sister explained to me that it was a big misunderstanding, bundt cake,” Winston replied, feigning interest.
“Well, you should totally talk some sense to that Asian friend of yours, or else this class is gonna be, like, hella awkward,” Claire suggested. “She has, like, a salt and vinegar chip on her shoulder! It’s, like, totally not my fault that I can pull off a sports bra while she’s wearing those baggy clothes!”
True enough, Gigi and Frank had been giving them the cold shoulder ever since the frat house raid. For Frank, this was because of Winston’s affiliation with Claire Dansby and the notorious fraternity she represented. As for Gigi, it was more simple and personal: the lap dance.
“Ahoy, ladies and germs!” greeted the rugged Australian instructor, decked out in bushman’s gear. “My name is Angus, and I want to welcome ya to Outside 101. While you shop different classes, I indeed hope you’ll choose to spend your semester with us. Today is the Gauntlet Challenge, where we’ll break off into groups and compete for a mighty fine prize!”
With that, Angus hurled an ax at a target behind the students. Bullseye. Everyone stood up to clap and cheer. “Now, everybody come up front and grab yourselves a fine ole’ nametag so we know who you are!”
Winston sprung up and headed for the front of the line. Gigi stood with her back to him, her long black hair draping over her Under Armor tank top. He cleared his throat. “Howdy. Looks like we’re gonna be getting a workout in today. So hey, can I have a word with ya in private?”
She spun around, showing him a forced smile. “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t consent to this conversation.”
With that, she grabbed a nametag and wrote “Gigi.” Winston cocked his head. “So, I seem to recall Sarah telling me that you’ve got a South Korean name that only your father calls you.”
“Ah, but what’s in a name anywho?” pondered Frank, stepping forward. “Sir Winston, I wish to extend a sincere congratulations to your acceptance into the Beta Delta Epsilon Sausage Club. And to that brazen bull of a woman under your thumb. Alas, a braver man than me are you!”
Gigi narrowed her eyes at Winston. “You don’t know my real name?” she stated matter-of-factly. “Do you even know me at all?”
Frank and Gigi walked back to their seat. The hair stood up on the back of Winston’s neck. But before he could retort, two late students entered the courtyard.
“Hey, what’s up dudes and dudettes?” Jacky greeted casually. “Sorry we’re late. We couldn’t find the-"
“Hellooo everyone!” Tai greeted the class flamboyantly. “Jacky-boy, I hope you’re ready for a totally fabulous time! Ready to sweat? Oh, will you look at the sports bra on that blonde gal over here! Looks like Victoria can’t keep her secret for long. Am I right, Tai? Hey, boo-boo! Yes, you in the sports bra. You are killing it!”
Claire giggled, thanking Tai. But he and Jacky wound up sitting next to Gigi and Frank instead, introducing each other. Winston watched from afar, shaking his head. So this is how my roommate acts when he’s no longer single, he thought. Then, when no one was watching, Winston reached into his pocket and pulled out a 20-dollar bill.
“Oi, Steve Irwin,” Winston whispered to Angus, slipping him the money. “I need ya to put me and my friends together in a group.”
Winston pointed out his four friends, scribbled “BAMF” on a nametag, and walked confidently back to his seat. Then, when Gigi was watching, he gave Claire a sloppy, wet kiss.
***
“First elimination challenge is ax throwing!” Angus announced, behind the wheel of a Volkswagen VW bus. “The world’s second-oldest profession.”
Per request, Angus had formed a group out of Winston, Claire, Frank, Gigi, Tai, and Jacky. Now, he was driving them to a deserted field at the base of Mount Pisgah in the Asheville wilderness. Once they arrived, he set up a huge wooden target, then tossed Winston an ax.
“Now you look like a bloke who’s done this before!” Angus remarked.
“Hell, my daddy had to put a lock on the shed,” Winston bragged.
“Winston is, like, totally a wild man when it comes to the outdoors!” Claire chimed in. “I’m, like, super-stoked for him to totally man-handle me in the bedroom.”
The other four cringed at each other. Then, Winston reared back and hurled the ax with two hands, hitting a large ring.
“Three points!” Angus called out. “Claire, think you can conquer this beast?”
Claire stepped forward and grabbed an ax. As a former high school cheerleader, she hid some muscles under her small frame. But what surprised everybody was how she tossed hers one-handed. She hit an inner ring: a five-pointer.
“This, like, ain’t my first rodeo, cowboy!” Claire teased. She brazenly grabbed another ax and under-handed it to Gigi. She yelped, but Frank stepped in and caught it.
“My stars!” he said to Claire. “A woman so supple, yet so brazen around the edges. A fine mistress you doth make!”
Winston walked over to Gigi and gave her a puzzled look. “In the words of Richard III,” he began. “It looks Frank would trade his kingdom for a whore.”
“Um...since when have you started dabbling in Old English plays?” Gigi asked, a bit uneasy.
“Looks like you don’t know me much at all yourself.”
Gigi blushed, either enraged or embarrassed. She left him to stand next to her boyfriend. Then, Frank performed a one-handed throw, landing an inner ring.
“Five points for Shakespeare!” Angus cheered. “Let’s see if Miss Hathaway can cut the mustard.”
Before Frank handed Gigi the ax, she was already tense. He helped her hold it with two hands in a beginner’s stance. “But soft!” he said, as Gigi took aim. “Plant it straight in the heart! Just like I shall soon plant my seed in your womb.”
Flustered and distracted, she heaved the ax for an outer ring.
“Oi, only one point,” Angus declared. “Better hope our last two competitors think off target!”
Jacky grabbed an ax and faced Gigi. “Bro, your boyfriend’s a perv. And so is that chick.”
Jacky pointed straight at Claire. She giggled obnoxiously, flicking her long blonde hair. Jacky rolled his eyes. “God, please bring this lost sheep home,” he quietly prayed. He flung it from over the shoulder, missing the target completely.
“Ah, I can tell you’re fancy a boomerang by the way you throw that bugger!” Angus chuckled. “Our first elimination. Last one, come on down!”
Before Tai could grab his ax, Gigi pulled him aside. “Um, as your fellow wing-woman,” she started, “I suggest you launch the caveman hunting apparatus into the margins for the express purpose of aborting and creating a more intimate scenario with your beloved wave rider.”
Now Tai had grown a little closer with Gigi ever since she matched him up with Jacky. But all he could muster was a blank stare. Gigi leaned in closer. “Lose on purpose so you can be alone with him!” she hissed.
“Oh, got it,” Tai whispered back. “Hey, Gigi? Do ya think I can borrow your room for a bit? There’s no way Jacky can find out I live in a flooded swamp.”
Suddenly, Jacky’s ax boomerang came twirling back around, heading straight for Tai. He jumped to the side with a shriek, watching the ax fly into a tree. “Righteous!” Jacky cheered, running back to fetch it. So with that in mind, Tai took aim and tossed his ax boomerang-style. As intended, it went flying far and wide past the target.
“And Tai and Jacky have been eliminated!” Angus declared. “That means the rest of ya advance to our next challenge. And an impressive performance from the blonde bombshell and Italian stallion, I might add.”
Claire walked up to Frank and slapped his ass. “Looks like we pervs, like, totally got it going on!”
Winston and Gigi stared at each other in shock. But before they knew it, Tai’s ax boomerang came soaring back, nailing the side of Angus’ Volkswagen.
***
“FIX THE FUCKING AC,” growled Evelyn the RA in a low, demonic voice. “I WILL BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND.”
In Sarah and Gigi’s room, Tai and Jacky had taken shelter from this emo demon, who was now stomping up and down the hallway. Sure enough, the AC was broken again. And after Tai had escorted Jacky up seven flights of stairs to “his” room, they’d found it virtually impossible to stop sweating.
“So let’s dive into Genesis 5 where we left off,” Jacky suggested, as they sat together on the futon. “It’s a little gnarly since it’s all genealogy. We’ll have to quiz each other when we’re done so we make sure we got it down pat!”
Jacky cracked open the bible, just as Evelyn screamed from the hallway. They rushed to the door and peeked out. Evelyn had let down her jet-black hair and had smeared mascara on her, sweating pale face. She locked eyes with the two young men. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?” the demon within her tremored.
They quickly shut the door and got back to their bible study. “Well...anyway, this is the written account of Adam’s family line,” Jacky read. “Basically, this is gonna be a righteous heck-ton of funky names to remember. My youth pastor showed me an easy way to memorize them, where-”
Death metal blared in the hallway. Over the heavy muted guitar and the rapid-fire double bass, Evelyn released a primal roar.
“So yeah, an easy way to memorize the names is word association!” the sweating Jacky yelled over the screeching guitar solo. “For example, take Adam and Seth, who-”
“EVERYBODY BREAK SHIT,” Evelyn screamed, as the deafening breakdown began. Tai rushed to the door and peeked out again. This time, she was breaking off a long fluorescent light tube from the ceiling. Several of her female hallmates observed like visitors at a zoo. Evelyn reared back and smashed the wall, shattering the light into pieces.
“All right, bro,” Jacky finally sighed, shutting the bible and standing up. “Look, let’s just go to your actual room.”
“W-what?” Tai stuttered, closing the door.
“Come on brochacho,” Jacky said, slicking back his long blonde hair. “You think I didn’t catch on? There are the female girls in the hallway with the female devil incarnate. Not to mention the…dreadful taste in bedroom decor in whoever’s room this is. Come on, man. I wanna see the real you.”
They stared into each other's' cool grey eyes. Finally, Tai nodded and reached out to shake on it. Instead, Jacky held his hand and interlocked his fingers. They sneaked out into the hallway, and Jacky led the way to Tai’s room.
“H-how do you know where we’re going?” Tai asked.
“I’m your mailman,” Jacky answered, giving his hand a squeeze. “I know a lot more about you than you think. Heck, don’t even get me started on your roommate’s male enhancement subscription.”
As they descended the stairs, a herd of female students tried to restrain the spawn of Satan in the hall.
***
“Next up is the zip-line races!” Angus announced.
He drove the four competitors deep into the Pisgah National Forest with the ax still lodged in the van. He slowed to a stop in a green, tranquil meadow where sunlight peeked through the treetops. There, two huge zip-lines ran from the tops of starting platforms, all the way to a platform on the far side of the clearing.
Angus passed out a few safety harnesses, and everyone suited up. “Mine’s, like, a little too big!” Claire whined. “Gigi, you should totally trade with me since you have a tad more cushion for the pushin’! Hey, at least your boobs are smaller than mine! That, like, must be so convenient.”
Gigi ignored her, hooking herself to the lane behind Winston. Claire attached herself to the lane behind Frank. And Angus began the long walk toward the finish line platform. Now out of earshot, both groups began climbing the long rope ladders up to their platforms. Winston purposefully took his time. Halfway up the ladder, Winston stopped and looked down at Gigi.
“Hey, I know I’m being stubborn,” Winston said. “But I really wanna talk to you, if you’ll have me. Just give me a chance to explain-"
“She’s a total bitch!” Gigi hissed, surprising even herself. “If you’re dating her, we’re no longer friends.”
Frustrated and torn, Winston sighed. “Right. I reckon actions speak louder than words anyway.” He reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a mini can of WD-40. Then, he proceeded to spray the shit out of both of their zip-line hooks.
“W-what the hell is wrong with you?” Gigi exclaimed, choking on the fumes.
“WD-40 is God’s lubricant,” Winston explained. “Now we’ll have a little speed boost when we race ‘em. Sorry, buddy, but I need us both to win so we have some alone time to sort things out.”
“You’re being absolutely ridiculous!” Gigi said, flabbergasted.
“I realize that. So I reckon I’ll make you an offer. When it’s me versus you at the finals, I’ll let you win so you get the Lazy Basil gift card. Deal?”
Suddenly, Gigi’s big, brown eyes shot open and her countenance sang a different tune. Lazy Basil was the finest Italian restaurant in all of Asheville - maybe all of North Carolina. And Frank would not be cooking her an Italian dinner until this Friday. After tasting a little bit of chocolate every day to prepare her body for cheese, she could not wait a day longer.
“Pray tell!” Frank suddenly yelled, looking down from his platform at the stragglers. “Art thou stuck on the ladder, Sir Winston? Mayhaps we require usage of a construction crane to haul up your portly frame.”
Winston grunted, then spat on the ground. “So what was that you were saying about my girlfriend being a bitch?” Winston asked Gigi.
Reaching the top of the ladder, Winston and Gigi stepped onto the platform. A perfect view of the bright green hemlock trees of the Pisgah National Forest. From the finish line platform, Angus pumped his fist. “Let’s get these wagon wheels a’rollin’!” his voice echoed across the forest. “Fellas up first!”
Winston made the mistake of looking down at the endless ocean of treetops. Stomach lurching, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then, hands trembling, he moved his greased-up zip-line hook to the starting position.
Gigi tapped his shoulder. “Are you...afraid of heights?” she asked, more like a mother than a caring friend.
A sudden breeze caused their platform to sway ever-so-slightly. Winston hunched over and vomited his morning screwdriver into a nest of endangered birds. He wiped his mouth and looked up at Frank’s shit-eating grin. Winston simultaneously flicked him off while giving Angus a thumbs up.
“Ah, we’ve got ourselves a fighter!” Angus called out. “Ready. Set. Go!”
Winston and Frank kicked off their platforms, soaring over the forest. Sure enough, his WD-40 hack gave him the extra acceleration he needed. He held a clear lead over Frank as Angus’ platform grew closer and closer. Not even Frank’s Italian expletives could stop him.
“Wiiinston wins!” Angus cheered, as Winston whizzed up to the platform. And only a split-second later, Frank came in hot, landing gracefully.
“I underestimated thy aerodynamic stature!” Frank admitted. “Mayhaps I too require an uptick in fine American cuisine, say steak and potatoes?”
Back at the starting line, Gigi grabbed her hook and slid it into a starting position. She looked up at her hands, now slick with grease.
“I’m, like, totally sorry about being so rude earlier,” Claire said, making a pouting face. “Look, if you let me win, you get to leave class early with Frank, and I can have the gift card! And not to be totally awkward, but I think you could, like, have a super-hot figure without that Italian food in your diet.”
Two minutes later.
“Gigi wins!” Angus cheered, as she came careening to the finish line. A split second later, Claire came flying by - seething.
“Like, it’s totally not fair!” Claire cried, stomping her feet. “Gigi, like, totally called me a hashtag raging thundercunt! It, like-like-like-like-like, totally distracted me from the race!” Again, more crocodile tears while Claire buried her face in Winston’s shoulder.
“Woe is me!” Frank cried out, grabbing her shoulders. “Oh, the humanity! Alas, say you did no such thing!”
“There, there,” Winston said nonchalantly, patting Claire’s head like a dog. “I’m sure it ain’t that serious.”
Angus covered his mouth. “Oi, Miss Gigi: did you in fact call Lady Claire a raging thundercunt?”
Gigi politely crossed her hands in front of her waist, her messy black hair cascading over her pale face. And then: a tell-all smile.
“Well, you know we handle potty-mouths in Australia, right?” Angus asked. “We fuckin’ celebrate ‘em! And as for sore losers? We make ‘em walk the plank!”
Angus shoved Claire and Frank off the platform. They screamed until the cable pulled taut, leaving them dangling in midair.
“Congratulations, ya raging thundercunts!” Angus said to Winston and Gigi. “Now off to the finals we go. And doncha’ worry, ya blimey losers. My teaching assistant will come get ya down and give ya a comfy ride straight back to campus!”
Winston and Gigi climbed down the ladder and followed Angus out of the woods, leaving Frank and Claire as dinner for vultures. When the two were alone, Claire kicked off her tennis shoes and stretched out, showing off her flat stomach.
“I, like, always thought I had sex in every possible position!” Claire reflected. “Well, except for the Amazon position, since my fraternity forbids it. Awwwkward! But I’ve, like, totally never had sex in midair. Should we try it, Frank?”
***
It was a manic scene in the 700 Hall of Firewater. Hesitant to get the police involved, Evelyn’s roommates were in the process of summoning a Catholic priest to perform an exorcism. But she was no longer Tai and Jacky’s concern. The muffled screams, crashes, and bangs faded in the distance as the two guys entered the 300 Hall.
“We’re actually...not supposed to be here,” Tai cautioned, placing his hand on the doorknob to his room.
“How come, brotherman?” Jacky asked.
“It’s my roommate: Winston. There’s something in there that he doesn’t want me to know about. And he made me promise to not even let any visitors in our room.”
“So did he get it in writing, with a notary standing by?” Jacky joked.
“Pinky swear,” Tai corrected.
“Far out,” Jacky marveled. “That’s some next-level serious business.” Jacky chuckled, slicking his hair back. “So let me ask this about your roommate: would he rather us be in your room, or his sister’s room?”
Tai froze. Finally, he unlocked the door. “Touché.”
The mildew hit them like a freight train. The mattresses, rug, and futon cushion were all gone. Besides that, Jacky was standing in a typical college dorm. A football schedule and Megan Fox poster on Winston’s side. Video game and anime posters on Tai’s side. A dirty microwave and a mini-fridge, probably filled with light beer and leftover Chinese takeout.
Tai sat on the metal futon frame and patted the spot next to him. “So, what if we used flashcards to memorize some of those biblical names? It’s important for me to - WHAAA-!”
Jacky was frantically searching through Winston’s drawers. “Bingo, my man!” He held up the binder and read the spine. “What’s BDE anyway? Does it stand for big...uh, big-penis energy? Sounds like your roomie has some gnarly ego issues.”
Distracting himself, Tai opened the bible in his trembling hands. “So...uh...there’s Shem...Ham...and Japeth, the three sons of-”
Jacky plopped down next to Tai and opened the binder. “Dude! Do you know what this is?”
Tai looked down at pages upon pages of driver’s licenses in card sleeves. Every race, creed, and gender under the sun. And all featured photos that could pass for any young-looking 21-year-old.
Tai and Jacky had just uncovered Beta Delta Epsilon’s secret fake ID operation. Jacky searched through a few pages, and finally pulled out an ID that could pass for Tai. He removed it from the sleeve and placed it in Tai’s shaking hand. Then, he sat on his lap and held up an ID of a tan white guy with blonde hair. “I don’t wanna talk about Shem and Ham, my dude,” Jacky declared. “I wanna talk about our new legal names: Caleb and Demitri.”
“Ah, now I have an actual black guy’s name,” Tai chuckled, forcing a smirk. Suddenly, he slipped his hand up Jacky’s shirt, feeling his rock-hard abs. “I, uh...so do you want to roleplay...Caleb?”
“Not just roleplay, my dude,” Jacky whispered into Tai’s ear, nuzzling his cheek. “I want to help other people roleplay. Dude! What if we stole these fake ID’s and sold them to every underage student on campus? Think of how freaking righteous that money would be!” Tai’s heart raced as Jacky swung his legs over Tai’s waist, straddling him. Jacky ran his lips from his collarbone to his ear.
“That’s...illegal,” Tai moaned softly. “Not to mention a little ungodly.”
“Maybe so,” Jacky said, nibbling his ear. “But I follow God, not the world. Some people don’t know the difference.
“Caleb” and “Dimitri” rolled off the futon, kissing, biting, and scratching each other until the clothes flew off. And little did they know Evelyn was scouring the 300 Hall with a chef’s knife in her hand, searching for them.
***
“The grand finale!” Angus announced. “The rock climbing wall!”
Angus led Winston and Gigi to a huge rock wall on the face of the Pisgah Mountains. This time, there was no cheat code in the world that would work in Winston’s favor. While his upper-body strength toppled that of Gigi, he was simply hauling a much larger load.
“The rumors are true!” Angus chuckled. “There is a 50-dollar Lazy Basil gift card up for grabs for the first one to reach the top.”
He strapped Winston and Gigi to the climbing cables, then took a step back. The trembling Winston glanced over at the cool, confident Gigi. “It looks like it’s just me and you, buddy,” he said. “So, do ya reckon you can tell me what I can do to make things right?”
“Go, go, go!” Angus suddenly shouted.
Gigi, quick and nimble, jumped straight up and grabbed her first hold. With ease, she began traversing the wall like an orangutan. Winston chugged along, contorting his body in awkward positions just to keep from falling.
“Look, Gigi!” Winston called out. “I hate that it’s like this between us. Man, I just wanna know what I can do. Hell, you can have my purple V-neck shirt that you accidentally stole.”
No response still. She worked swiftly and calmly as she approached the halfway point. Winston caught a lucky break, catching some easy holds as he covered a few feet. But there was no way in hell he could match Gigi’s steady pace. Plus, the higher he got, the higher the screwdriver rose in his throat.
Desperate, Winston reached around with one hand and unstrapped his vest.
“Oi, what the fuck are ya doing, mate?” Angus spat from far down below. Winston slipped out of the vest and pushed it to the side. Now, he was climbing freely. Fear coursed through his veins, but so did adrenaline. He used that stress to heave himself up much faster than before. Gigi, now past the halfway point, looked down to see Winston’s pleading eyes looking up at her.
“Gigi, I’m sorry!” Winston yelled. “Look, I...I can’t honestly tell you that I’m sorry for meeting up with Claire at the house. Because I’m not. But fuck, I’m sorry you had to walk in and see it! And...I’m plum-fuckin’ sorry I didn’t consider your feelings for me at the time. I reckon that ship has sailed. But fuck, I don’t wanna lose our friendship over it, Gigi!”
Gigi smiled at Winston for the first time that day. She shut her eyes tightly, fighting to block the tears. When she opened them again, Winston’s white knuckles curled around a tough hold.
“I’m not sure how long I can hold on, partner,” Winston groaned, smiling weakly. Slowly, piss began running down his leg, trickling a long way down to the ground below. Gigi began quickly backtracking, holding her breath.
“Winston,” Gigi consoled him calmly, now by his side. “I need you...I need you to reach out and hold me. Don’t let me go.”
He took a deep breath, then wrapped his arms around Gigi’s slim waist. His legs dangled free, supported only by her. Breathing heavily, Gigi kicked off the rock facing. Slowly, they began to descend.
“My real name is Ji-hye,” she said, as they approached solid ground.
“Ji-hye,” Winston repeated, his heart pounding as he held her in a death grip. “So, uh...why did you wanna tell me that?”
“Um...because we’re friends again!” she cheered, as they reached the bottom.
But before he could release her, Angus yanked his collar and held a hunting knife to his throat. His hair and face were drenched in Winston’s piss. “Oi, I oughta gut you like a fuckin’ fish, ya blimey bastard!”
“Wait, it’s not his fault!” Gigi interjected. “Um...a yellowjacket got caught between his shirt and vest and stung him pretty bad. He’s allergic, so he had no choice but to take it off!”
Angus cocked his head, letting her words marinate like the piss in his hair. Then, a proper belly laugh. He gave Winston a shove and put the knife away. “Yellowjackets?! Why, you Americans and bonafide pussies, that’s what ya are! Oi, you wouldn’t last a second down unda!”
Angus reached in his pocket and pulled out two 50-dollar Lazy Basil gift cards. “Fuck it, take ‘em both. After all, that was a mighty impressive showing of teamwork up there!”
Winston cleared his throat and held his hand up. “Thanks for the offer, Angus. But I’m a proud conservative. And I don’t need no goddamn participation trophies.”
Gigi socked him in the stomach. “Accept the gift card or we’re no longer friends!” she hissed, salivating over her imminent cheese dream.
***
“YOU HAVE SOMETHING I WANT,” the demon growled in the hallway.
Evelyn slowly dragged her chef’s knife across the door of Room 309 - a knife much larger than Angus’. Tai stared out the peephole, then rushed to the futon to grab his bible.
“We need to perform an exorcism ourselves!” Tai suggested, wearing nothing but bright blue boxers with coconut patterns.
“RIghteous idea, my man!” Jacky replied, donning yellow pineapple briefs. “The word of God is an indispensable weapon during the end times that we live in!”
Tai stared out the peephole again. Now, a senile Evelyn gently tapped the door with the tip of her knife. “Hey, uh, Evelyn,” Tai called out softly. “Why don’t we comb through Genesis together? I sure could use your help in memorizing the lineage of Adam!”
“NO BIBLE. I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR INTESTINES!”
Jacky gave a thumbs up from the frame of the futon. “See, it’s working! That’s the devil in her trying to resist. But no man, woman, or spawn of Satan could possibly resist the righteous infallible word of God!”
Tai chuckled, half-nervous and half-relieved. Then, he opened the door halfway. “Welcome to our bible study, Evelyn! So if you would have a seat on our super comfy futon, we can-"
Suddenly, Tai lept behind the door as Evelyn charged through the room with her knife held high. “DIE! DIE! DIE!” she shrieked, heading straight for Jacky. He swiftly rolled under the futon frame, as Evelyn began stabbing through it, aiming for the head.
“Fuck!” Tai screamed, frantically flipping to Genesis 5. “Um, um...let the power of Christ compel you with His holy word! Enoch begat Methuselah, and Methuselah begat Lamech, and Lamech begat Noah!”
“WHY CAN’T I HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE?” Evelyn screamed. While Jacky cowered in a fetal position, she reared back and stabbed a hole in the wall.
“Oh, Evelyyyn?” Sarah Beavers called out, stepping into the room.
Evelyn spun around to face her, tears and mascara running down her face. She dropped the knife. Then, she swiveled her head around the room, dazed and confused.
“Oh...no,” Evelyn whispered in her normal voice. “Sarah, I did something bad, didn’t I?”
“Shush, it’s all gravy,” Sarah assured her, while Tai and Jacky looked at each other in shock. “Boys, let this be a lesson to you. Envy possessed Evelyn today. Not only was she envious of your AC, but also of your totally-rad same-sex relationship.”
Tai and Jacky realized they were still half-naked, and that it was too late to hide it. Evelyn, moaning softly, crawled over to Sarah and lay her head on her lap. Then, she began playing with Sarah’s dangling dreadlocks. “Now, now - no touchy-feely of the genitals,” Sarah politely warned her. “An asexual chick like myself ain’t no lamp in a corner, ya dig?”
Then, Sarah spotted the BDE binder on Tai’s desk. Cocking her head to the side, she slowly stood up to take a closer look.
“Shit,” Tai whispered to Jacky. “What do we do?”
“We can’t let her know about our operation,” Jacky whispered back.
“So, if my inner chi serves me well,” Sarah began, flipping through the pages. “You two plan on stealing Beta Delta Epsilon's fake ID collection from Winston, in a grand scheme to sell them to underage students?”
“What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?” Jacky whispered to Tai. “A psychic hippie? What kind of friends are you rolling with, bro?”
“I can hear you,” Sarah advised. She sat down next to Evelyn and slipped out an ID of a brunette hipster girl with straight hair. “It’s a crying shame that Winston didn’t think to include any white girls with dreadlocks. Simple-minded if you ask me. Oh! Evelyn, I found an ID just for you. See, she looks just like the chick from The Ring.”
“I will eat your soul,” Evelyn said in her normal voice. Suddenly, she pinned Sarah down and started tickling the hell out of her.
“Wait, so you’re not mad?” Tai asked Sarah, watching Evelyn win the completely non-sexual “game.”
Sarah caught her breath from her massive tickle-fit. Then, she snapped the binder shut. “Mad? Are you high? I’m a broke college student too. As a matter of fact, if you’re going to be making crazy money, I want in on it too. Evelyn and I both want in. And nobody, I mean nobody, breathes a word of this to my brother.”
***
Nine outgoing calls. Zero incoming calls.
Gigi slipped her phone back into her purse, fighting the urge to make it 10. On that windy night, she stood in downtown Asheville in front of Lazy Basil, waiting for Frank to fall from the sky. She was dressed up in a black polka-dot maxi dress with a white bow in her hair, knowing that she would be turned away for so much as thinking about blue jeans.
She grabbed a menu and read through the appetizers. Tempura Fried Calamari? Maybe. Chunky Spinach and Artichoke Dip? Eh. And then, her big brown eyes widened when she saw it. Caprese salad: fresh buffalo mozzarella topped with local organic tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, and fresh basil leaves from our herb garden.
“So he stood ya up, huh?”
Winston leaned against the streetlight in a black suit and tie. He took a final puff on his cigar, tossed it, then walked over to Gigi to read her menu. And like always, the smell of tobacco was masked by Winston’s signature sandalwood cologne.
“I can’t decide if I want the loaded macaroni and cheese,” Winston pondered, “or the fried cheese logs with marinara. Hey, ya reckon we could order one of each and share?”
Gigi wiped drool from the side of her mouth and came to her senses. “Um...wait, you’re not here for a date with Claire?”
Winston took out his phone and showed her the screen. Sixty-eight outgoing calls. Zero incoming calls. “Reckon I should try to call her one last time?” he asked with a grin. “I mean, I don’t wanna come off like a simp or nothin’.”
Fifteen minutes later, they were seated at a candlelit table for two. While they sipped on large glasses of red Moscato, Gigi explained her lactose intolerance and Frank’s plans to introduce her to cheese for the first time.
“So let me get this straight,” Winston said, leaning in. “You consider this cheating on your boyfriend, don’t you?”
“Um...well, it has nothing to do with you!” Gigi laughed nervously. “It’s...well, it’s cheating if I eat that.”
The waiter came over with a platter of Caprese salad and a refill of red wine. Winston picked up a soft, fluffy cheese disc and tore it in half. “I’m not a betting man. But I wager if your boyfriend wanted to have dinner with you, he’d be the one sitting across from ya.”
Gigi stared into Winston’s pale blue eyes, then at the mozzarella. Slowly, she reached out and placed it on her tongue. Then, she closed her eyes as the creamy, silky flavor graced her palate. She swallowed, then grabbed another, shoving the whole disc in her mouth. Satisfied, Winston pushed the plate toward her. Then, he took out his phone and turned on the camera.
“Here’s to Gigi’s first dairy experience,” he announced, taking a photo. “And, I reckon, the moment before one of her many trips to the bathroom.”
She gasped, tossing her dinner napkin at him. They laughed, garnering the attention of a couple of older, quieter patrons. But Winston and Gigi lived in their own world, sipping refill after refill of wine as she alone cleaned that plate. Before long, the waiter returned with fried mozzarella logs for Winston and loaded macaroni and cheese for Gigi.
“So, all jokes aside,” Gigi started. She leaned forward, the candlelight casting a golden glow on her grinning, pale face. “In your old YouTube days...how long would it take you to eat everything on this table?”
“Son of a bitch!” Winston laughed, dunking a log into his marinara. “I knew my sister told ya about my eating channel! How much of it did you get around to watching?”
“Oh, you don’t want to know!” Gigi giggled, taking her first-ever bite of mac and cheese.
And while the two loyal friends shared stories and cheese dishes, their other friends betrayed loyalty that night. Sarah, Tai, Evelyn, and Jacky used Winston’s fake IDs to bar crawl all over downtown Asheville. And Claire sneaked Frank into the Beta Delta Epsilon frat house, where they rolled in the sheets all night long.

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