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Hey all. Got a bit of feedback regarding my blog and posts and it was a bit positive, so here's my Day 3 writeup. Text below, link to website and full Google Document tracking tips is there:
https://valueburglar.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/cheltenham-festival-2019-day-3-tips/
Day 2 was much better than Day 1! With 9pts / £90 staked, and 12 pts / £120 returned, that’s the healthy sort of return we want consistently. Of course, we’re down overall, but forgive me for not worrying about that too much right now at the nascent stages of this venture.
It was also a good day for punters in general, with Altior retaining his crown (albeit with a little scare); Tiger Roll dominating; and the well-backed Band of Outlaws and Envoi Allen obliging, too.
Without further ado, here are my musings ahead of Thursday’s racing. There are a lot of very big fields and as a result, hopefully loads of value to find. Let’s continue the revival!
JLT
Joel over at 2pts win, at the time of writing, simply says “Defi Du Seuil will win. 1pt win Defi Du Seuil @ 3/1” – and while I assume he’ll be a little more expansive on this in due course, I can’t really disagree. But right now, he’s 5/2, and that’s a little too skinny for my liking. Thus, we take him on with just the one bet. I think Kildisart (9/1 generally) is the one to be on board at the prices. If his jumping improves (it looks a bit novicey, which is fair for a novices’ race!), then he can have a big say in proceedings.
Lostintranslation will have to find a little with Defi Du Seuil, especially off level weights, as will Vinndication – whose tendency to jump right-handed isn’t encouraging around Cheltenham, either. Real Steel would be a likeable bet, but he’s being supported even now into 6/1 (opened I think at 8s), so despite his lack of exposure, I’m going to swerve. Voix Du Reve is Ruby Walsh’s choice, and he loves this race. His form has been bang there, and he’d be my second option in this race – Walsh having won the JLT thrice.
Pertemps
I find it strange that a Barry Geraghty-saddled horse in Sire Du Berlais is a relatively strong head of the market. His handicap record at Cheltenham is terrible, to go back to this Fat Jockey Forum thread. That said, the last three Pertemps winners have all been Irish, and have all been strong in the betting. To that end, I’ll go with current fourth-favourite Walk To Freedom (12/1 each way with William Hill, 1/5 1-5), who is Robbie Power’s fancy for the race, and who ran a blinder in one of the qualifiers for this race. With two recent winners being at the top of the weights, Walk To Freedom could be another, and I like the value.
I have to have a second selection here though, especially with six places paid at some firms. Aaron Lad (14/1 each way, Paddy Power or Betfair, 1/5 1-6) is trained by the shrewd Richard Newland and connections have hinted his 90-day break before this race was probably the plan. His last run was over course and distance and I was really taken with how much more he had to give the further the race progressed. A 9lb rise needs to be defied, though, but I’m happy with the price regardless.
There are too many others to mention and to cross-reference, but Abolitionist is taking a very similar route toward the Grand National as Pineau De Re, who wasn’t beaten far in this race on the way to a GN 2nd in 2014 – though I’m hoping just for a safe spin round. Wait For Me, with an estimable Cheltenham record, is worth a lash at a big 40/1, but wasn’t too good in last year’s Pertemps, so I’m not poking. First Assignment and Samburu Shujaa are both skinny-ish prices for a reason, too.
Ryanair Chase
What a card. This is one of the deepest races at the festival. We are almost certainly going to see a bit of a pace war at the front, with four or five who like to make the running (Monalee, Un De Sceaux, Footpad, Frodon etc) ensuring it. The bookies also all seem to have a vice-like grip on the market, with it so competitive. At the time of writing, the top five in the market are generally between 4/1 and 7/1.
With BetVictor (again!) paying a fourth place on this race, I’m gonna take a chance on Terrefort (25/1 each way with BetVictor, 1/5 1-4), who has looked decent when healthy this year, finishing in the frame behind Frodon and Clan Des Obeaux at trips of about 3m. While he’s got to find more – of course – the race will be run to suit, and the way he won his novice Grade 1s on soft (with a JLT second, too) gives me hope.
The other horse to potentially benefit from the race panning out this way is Road to Respect (4/1 generally), who has swerved the Gold Cup for a tilt at this. If his jumping is better today, then I can definitely see him coming off a hot pace to pick up the pieces and win it around jumping the last or even in the home straight.
I’d want Monalee and Footpad at bigger prices; Un De Sceaux may be getting long in the tooth and is in a very deep renewal; and I don’t think Frodon will have the race run to suit. I can’t make a case for others at bigger prices, so this is it for me for the Ryanair.
Stayers’ Hurdle
This will probably go to Paisley Park. He’s looked phenomenal this year and is a well-deserved 7/4 or so favourite, with wins in the Long Walk and Cleeve Hurdles. I will therefore not be opposing him for win purposes, but with 18 runners, it’s worth having a look at the firms that offer four places (BetVictor, Coral, Ladbrokes and a couple of others that don’t count).
Bapaume (22/1 each way with Coral and BetVictor, 1/5 1-4) ran well behind Presenting Percy last time out, and generally has looked solid behind Apple’s Jade too (though she disappointed on Tuesday – but I’d expressed my doubts about her liking for Cheltenham). There was a Grade 1 second place in France last May, and a tidy Grade 2 win over shorter – I think Bapaume is a model of consistency and thus I’m hoping to see a place accordingly.
I don’t think anything else in the race is really worth backing: Faugheen is too short and would make for a great story; Supasundae is too often a silver medallist and at 8/1 isn’t worth getting on board; Bacardys likes a fall… and I won’t continue, but you get my thinking, I presume.
Brown Advisory Plate
Most bookies are offering five places. Only Bet365 are offering 1/4 odds with five places, so every tip will be with them. I’m not surprised they’re offering such good terms, though – this is a very tricky race to unpack. My go-to workings will involve trends in the race and from stables/yards – for the Plate, we can see Gigginstown have a decent enough record. Surprisingly they don’t come mob-handed to handicaps, and they have just one runner this year, Valseur Lido. 33/1 is the right price for a horse out of sorts and I won’t be taking it.
However, Venetia Williams sends two to this race, and her record is excellent. She’s had 20 runners, of whom two have won and two have placed, which is a great strike rate. She has been rubbish with her charges in most every other handicap, but the Plate is the one to zone in on. To that end, with both Gardefort and Didero Vallis at 25/1 with Bet365, I’ll be having a small interest on them.
Not a tip, but Kauto Riko flies the flag for the /HorseRacingUK subreddit, and I’ll be very happy if he wins!
Mares’ Novices’ Hurdle
Epatante is well-backed and too short for it. She looks very classy, but hasn’t beaten much, so in what is a pretty competitive field for this sort of race, we’ll be taking her on.
Sinoria (8/1 with Hills and 365) is a very attractive price, and was intended to run in the Ballymore, but moves here after Honeysuckle’s injury. Her win last time out has been franked by Chosen Mate, who was odds on for a Grade 2 event, and I think she’s completely the wrong price.
Also interesting is Lust For Glory (20/1 each way with Bet365, 1/4 1-3), who is three times the price of Posh Trish, with whom she essentially shares form. Thus, at a price, I’m happy to get on board.
Not a race I know too much about, so the stakes will be limited accordingly.
Kim Muir
Bet365 again come up trumps with five places at 1/4 odds. Then again, it’s another very difficult race to make something of, with the head of the market well looked up, and so many other contenders abound. I won’t have a bet on this one – good luck if you do!
Tips Summary
1.30 – Kildisart @ 9/1 – 0.75pts win
2.10 – Walk To Freedom @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Will Hill, 1/5 1-5)
2.10 – Aaron Lad @ 14/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Paddy Power or Betfair, 1/5 1-6)
2.50 – Terrefort @ 25/1 – 0.5pts e/w (BetVictor, 1/5 1-4)
2.50 – Road To Respect @ 4/1 – 0.75pts win
3.30 – Bapaume @ 22/1 – 0.25pts e/w (Coral or BetVictor, 1/5 1-4)
4.10 – Gardefort @ 25/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Bet365, 1/4 1-5)
4.10 – Didero Vallis @ 25/1 – 0.5pts e/w (same as above)
4.50 – Sinoria @ 8/1 – 1pt win (Will Hill or Bet365)
4.50 – Lust For Glory @ 20/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Bet365, 1/4 1-3)
That’s 9pts in play. We don’t need much to come in to profit – let’s go!

https://valueburglar.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/cheltenham-festival-2019-day-4-tips/
Well, it’s fair to say that Day 3 didn’t go to plan. I tipped terribly by and large, resulting in 4pts loss, with a couple of places to ensure it wasn’t a total disaster. A great day for punters generally though, with a few favourites and other well-backed horses obliging.
Still, we’re in it for the long run, and there’s another day of the Festival to have a go at. Follow at your discretion. Or don’t. Let’s see what happens!
Triumph Hurdle
A big race to kick off the day, with Sir Erec a well-backed favourite. So well backed, in fact, that’s he’s currently odds on – which means I’d say he’s there for the taking, despite being the most likely winner. Our pick in doing so is the ex-French Pic D’Orhy (8/1 each way with Bet365, 1/4 1-3), whose second in a Grade 1 represents very useful form. Paul Nicholls won the Fred Winter in 2016 with a former French recruit making his British debut, and I rather think Pic D’Orhy would be able to do similar. He was working with Ryanair winner Frodon last week, which is an added bonus.
I was going to have a chance on Hannon at a huge 40/1, but his form line through Chosen Mate has weakened after Sinoria ended up nowhere in the Mares’ Novices’ on Thursday. The others don’t make too much appeal – Tiger Tap Tap (Walsh/Mullins) has a lot to do to step up; Quel Destin will be running prominently and is therefore likely to be picked off; and Gardens of Babylon has 6L to find with Sir Erec. While Pentland Hills is unexposed and Adjali could bounce back, there are still question marks lingering over them – and the rest I’ve not mentioned – so I’ll stick with Pic.
County Hurdle
A wide open Grade 3, as it usually is. Time to refer to that handicap analysis thread on The Fat Jockey again, and we can see that Willie Mullins and Paul Nicholls are the two trainers with the most consistency in this race.
Mullins saddles three, including the favourite Whiskey Sour, who is prohibitively short, but Mr Adjudicator (12/1 each way with Bet365, 1/4 1-5) looks like a decent each-way bet with Paul Townend on board. His second on reappearance this year came behind Champion Hurdle winner Espoir D’Allen, and he was also second in the Triumph last year. This, allied with his trainer’s record in the race, is enough for me.
Nicholls saddles just the one chance in Capitaine (12/1 with Bet365 as above), and though he may be better right-handed, he won a useful Grade 2 prize at Taunton last time out. He should come on for a wind operation and have a good say.
Albert Bartlett
Again, hugely open. The current ones at single digit prices all seem attractive, but a few are a little young and inexperienced – including Allaho. I’ve heard that Ruby Walsh reckons he has a massive chance despite his age, and he’s unexposed, but I’m not going to venture against trends with him. Equally, Birchdale is inexperienced – but clearly a smart prospect for Geraghty and Henderson – and Lisnagar Oscar might find this ground unsuitable. Both Commander of Fleet and Dickie Diver have a lot to like about them, but at a slightly bigger price I like Derrinross (12/1 each way with Coral, 1/5 1-5!), who would be much less under the radar if a Mullins/Elliott runner, but as he’s trained by Philip Dempsey, the odds still look good.
I want value further down, especially with Coral’s five places, and the Hutchinson/King combo of Alsa Mix (33/1 each way with Coral as above) could provide some. Despite a fading 6th in the Challow last time out, her Grade 2 win at Sandown on heavy looked like a true staying performance, and I fancy a revival.
Gold Cup
The big one. Nearly every bookmaker is paying 4 places at 1/5 odds and there’s so much that’s been said about this race already that I don’t feel the need to add more here. We have some good quality in this race, and the market knows this accordingly, so value will be quite difficult to find. Bellshill would have been about 16s or 20s if he hadn’t won the Irish Gold Cup, and without Ruby on board, for a trainer desperately seeking to win the showpiece for the first time.
However, I’m backing him to do so via Kemboy (11/1 each way Betfair, BetVictor, Paddy Power, 1/5 1-4), who ran very well on merit at Leopardstown over Christmas. He’s not exposed over 3 miles, and likely to appreciate an extra couple of furlongs. Of course, Presenting Percy has always had this as the aim; Native River is the defending champion; and Clan Des Obeaux has won well this year but stamina is a question.
At bigger prices, not much stands out – maybe Invitation Only at 33s if he can sort out his jumping, but I’m going to stick with just the one in this race and enjoy what should be an absolute cracker.
Foxhunter Challenge Cup
Oh, I’d love to see a Pacha Du Polder hat trick in this race, but after a 55L defeat in his reappearance run, I can’t have much faith even at 20/1. The victor that day, Road to Rome (8/1 with Betfair, Paddy Power and others), is under a fantastic run and has the estimable Sam Waley-Cohen on board. We’ll take a chance on the ground and he’s a leading contender.
At a huge price I fancy last year’s dead heater for third, Cousin Pete (40/1 each way with above bookies, 1/5 1-4), who looked back on song at Garthorpe in his most recent outing. He likes Cheltenham and I think he’s way overpriced at the moment.
There are too many horses to talk about in this race and I think there’s loads of value away from the top six (all single figures), who have rather shown enough of themselves in the betting for the bookies to act accordingly.
Grand Annual
I must confess, I’ve not studied this one. However, with William Hill offering five places (1/5 odds), it would be rude not to avail oneself of their best odds on Gino Trail (20/1 each way, terms above), who rarely finishes out of the frame and is capable of a huge run. Second to Le Prezien in this last year, and a good win making all over C&D in December 2017, I think he’s a good value play for a place.
Martin Pipe
Yet again it’s time to consult the handicap guide from Fat Jockey, and the conclusions for this race are obvious: Gigginstown do well; Davy Russell has an excellent handicap record; Mullins and Nicholls are alright; and David Pipe (who of course wants a win) is good each-way. With multiple places offered by most bookies, it seems prudent to take Defi Bleu (14/1 each way with William Hill, 1/5 1-5) at the prices. He stays well, and if he can be a bit more fluent over the hurdles, he can definitely be in the mix.
I’ve already highlighted ten runners, and the Martin Pipe isn’t a race I’m too hot on, so I’ll leave my Cheltenham there. A quick roundup – Dallas Des Pictons is a worthy Gigginstown favourite, if short; Early Doors was good in this last year; Discordantly could go well at a price… And there are too many more to mention.
Tips Summary
1.30 – Pic D’Orhy @ 8/1 – 0.75pts e/w (Bet365, 1/4 1-3)
2.10 – Mr Adjudicator @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Bet365, 1/4 1-5)
2.10 – Capitaine @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Bet365)
2.50 – Derrinross @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Coral, 1/5 1-5)
2.50 – Alsa Mix @ 33/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Coral)
3.30 – Kemboy @ 11/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Betfair, BetVictor, Paddy Power, 1/5 1-4)
4.10 – Road To Rome @ 8/1 – 1pt win (Betfair, Paddy Power and others)
4.10 – Cousin Pete @ 40/1 – 0.25pts e/w (above bookies, 1/5 1-4)
4.50 – Gino Trail @ 20/1 – 0.5pts e/w (William Hill, 1/5 1-5)
5.30 – Defi Bleu @ 14/1 – 0.5pts e/w (William Hill, 1/5 1-5)
That’s 10pts in play. Here’s hoping for a huge day!

As of writing this there is just under 17 days until the greatest horseracing festival on Earth. With 4 days and 35 races of the highest quality, the sub would be inundated unless we keep things central so use this thread for absolutely anything Cheltenham - news, previews, tips and - most importantly - debate!
For those who are unfamiliar, The Cheltenham Festival in held every March at Cheltenham Racecourse in Gloucestershire. The National Hunt season is mostly run with it in mind, as top trainers all desire even a single win at the jewel in the crown of jumps racing. The various graded races throughout are usually used as pointers towards graded races at the festival, for example a winner of the Tolworth Hurdle at Sandown in January will probably be high up in the market for the Supreme Novices Hurdle at the Festival. It consists of 4 days - Champion Day (Tue), Ladies Day (Wed), St Patricks Thursday and Gold Cup Day (Fri) and this year is held between the 11th and 15th of March
The Races
Each of the four days is centred around a Championship race:
The Champion Hurdle, The Queen Mother Champion Chase, The World Hurdle and The Cheltenham Gold Cup
The Champion Hurdle and Champion Chase are 2m races - the shortest distances in NH racing and are held on the Cheltenham Old Course as are all races on Tuesday and Wednesday.
The World Hurdle and Gold Cup are held over stayers distances of 3 miles and 3 miles 2 and a half furlongs respectively. They are raced on the New Course on Thursday and Friday.
Other races include Grade 1 novice chases and hurdles, big prize pot handicaps as well as handicaps for amateur riders, conditional jockeys and hunter chasers as well as a mares hurdle race and two races for juvenile hurdlers (4 year old horses).
The Stars
Perhaps one of the greatest appeals of National Hunt racing is the opportunity for horses to become household names due to the lengths of their careers. Unlike on the flat where stallions are carted off to stud after 2 or 3 years, most NH horses are geldings and usually aren't begun to be raced until they develop into their strongest frames between 5 and 9.
Festival heroes include Istabraq who is a three time winner of the Champion Hurdle. More recently, Hurricane Fly who is trained by Irish top trainer Willie Mullins won the 2011 and 2013 renewals of the race.
Just as we were blessed to watch the mighty Frankel in our lifetimes, there will surely be or have been very few who are better chasers than Sprinter Sacre. The Nicky Henderson Horse was undefeated over fences before having to pull up due to a heart condition this Christmas. Race fans will have their fingers crossed that he returns to full health in order to defend his title in the Champion Chase this year. American followers of NH racing were cheering home Flagship Uberalles during his racing career, and with silks like those they must have been ecstatic when he made up for his loss when favourite in the 2000 QMCC by winning the 2002 renewal.
No horse have ever been bred to win a World Hurdle is a saying in the NH world. Most horses that win were bred with the Gold Cup in mind but didn't take to chasing for whatever reason. Though a winner of the 2m4f novices chase at the Cheltenham Festival in 2008, Big Buck's was reverted to hurdles after unseating his rider in the Hennessey Gold Cup in the next season. This was rather fortuitous as it turned out as staying hurdlers go, he is an absolute machine. Until very recently he was undefeated in 18 runs, including 4 World Hurdles, 4 Liverpool Hurdles, 4 Long Distance Hurdles and 3 Long Walk Hurdles - all of which are Grade 1s. After missing most of the 2013 season due to injury, the 11 year old returned after a 400+ day absence for the 2014 Cleeve Hurdle during Festival Trials day where he lost his unbeaten record. This year promises to be a more competitive renewal than usual due to the apparent fragility of Big Buck's, though fingers crossed he can make it 5 wins.
The Gold Cup has been won by many beloved horses over the years - Arkle, Desert Orchid, Dawn Run. More recently Best Mate entered the hearts when winning his third successive Gold Cup. The image of his trainer Henrietta Knight embracing husband and former champion jockey Terry Biddlecombe at the post lives long in the memory - especially given the passing of Mr Biddlecombe at the beginning of this year.
Kauto Star is also a mutiple Gold Cup winner who retired in 2012. He had a famous rivalry with stablemate Denman who won the 2008 Gold Cup and whose career was blighted by a heart issue.
Another festival legend is Quevega who is on a massive unbeaten run herself. She has won the Mares Hurdle at the festival an impressive 5 times in a row as well as the World Series Hurdle at Punchestown in the same years.
Ones to Watch
This year, Hurricane Fly is having a crack at his third Champion Hurdle in order to emulate Istabraq. However it is certain that this year will be one of the most competitive renewals of the race. He faces International Hurdle winner The New One, Fighting Fifth Hurdle and Christmas Hurdle winner My Tent or Yours, Triumph Hurdle 2013 winner Our Conor, Hatton's Grace Hurdle winner Jezki and potentially Red Mills Trial Hurdle winner Un De Sceaux and unbeaten supermare Annie Power. This race is certain to be a fantastic showcase of hurdling and with any luck will be a fantastic spectacle.
With Sprinter Sacre out of most of the year and still not a certainty to run, the Champion Chase is certainly more open. The grade 1 preps for this race - the Tingle Creek, The Desert Orchid and the Clarence House Chases have been won in most impressive fashion by another speedy chaser Sire De Grugy. Even if Sprinter Sacre takes his chance he will have a difficult opponent to over come in SdG. Of the Irish horses, Willie Mullins trains Arvika Ligeonniere who won the Tied Cottage Chase at Punchestown in early February. The winner of the Paddy Power Dial-A-Bet this year at Leopardstown and 2013 Jewson Novices Chase at the festival Benefficient could also line up.
In the World Hurdle, Big Buck's will return but faces a tough task in order to win this race a fifth time. He faces 2013 festival winner At Fishers Cross who was one of the two who just beat him home in January but has jumped inconsistently this season. Annie Power could be the prime Irish threat if she races here rather than the Champion Hurdle. Another JP McManus (The striped green and gold silks) horse More of That represents an unexposed and very progressive threat in the line up. Other runners include 2013 Neptune runner up Rule The World who could end up being the only Irish threat if Annie Power doesn't line up. Reve de Silvola was disappointing in January having won the Long Walk in December but is usually a huge threat on soft ground.
Finally, the Gold Cup looks to be a match race between last years winner Bobs Worth who bounced back to illustrious form last time out in the Lexus Chase. His main rival is King George VI Chase winner Silviniaco Conti who fell in last years Gold Cup before giving his running. Though Gigginstown Studs main staying chaser Sir Des Champs is sidelined with injury, Last Instalment won the Irish Hennessey and will aim to cause an upset to the top two. Cue Card looked to have proved he could stay 3 miles when winning the Betfair Chase in November but seemed to run out of steam when 1 fence from home in the King George and looking very likely to win. He will have a task to stay the extra quarter mile as well as bettering Bobs Worth and Silviniaco Conti.
TL;DR Have fun over those 4 days. Best of luck with your bets. Comments below will be dedicated to each of the four days.
EDIT: Sorry the images on some won't load with RES - had to tinyURL to get within the character count

Here is my homage to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, at least the first 5 seasons. Some are reposts that are included for the sake of completeness, and hopefully some will work for those that aren't familiar with the show. Enjoy! Black cards are here

• "S" you in your "A"s, don't wear "C"s, and "J" all over your "B"s.
• 10 people inside of me.
• 120 hours of community service.
• 15 guys wearing capes.
• A 'Training-for-the-fight' montage set to a cheesy 80's rock anthem.
• A baby dick.
• A baby pool filled with shit.
• A badass fireball.
• A bang maid.
• A beautiful, beautiful gazelle person.
• A bidding war to drive up the price of your womb.
• A big, round wizard.
• A blaze of glory.
• A botched neck lift.
• A box of burning kittens.
• A box of hornets.
• A bucket of nose clams fresh from the sea. Sweet, delicious nose clams.
• A bunch of assholes.
• A bunch of hamsters on a wheel.
• A bunch of inbred savages.
• A cat chopping mechanism.
• A chick that can eat 50 hot dogs in three seconds.
• A communist dictatorship.
• A couple of unwiped assholes.
• A couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips.
• A couple pairs of sour, sweaty balls.
• A crazy cat lady.
• A dead cat's blood on my hands.
• A dead guy.
• A diabetic cat.
• A dick flyer.
• A dick in a tiny jacket.
• A dick in his mouth.
• A dirty, dirty pervert.
• A dirty, dirty whore.
• A dirty, drunken whore.
• A donkey doing calculus.
• A duster.
• A fascist meat hog.
• A father-son type of thing.
• A female Larry Bird.
• A fiery blaze of eroticism.
• A flamin' bag of poop.
• A full-on rapist.
• A glass eye.
• A glue OD.
• A goddamn frog person.
• A gorilla mask.
• A half nude buffet party.
• A hate crime.
• A head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills.
• A hole to stick your dick in.
• A Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
• A horse turd.
• A huge-footed slut.
• A Jesus chain.
• A little hand or a little foot or something.
• A little mouse fighting a scorpion.
• A lonely spinster, with a cat.
• A martial arts showdown.
• A masturbating bum.
• A microbrew so powerful that people will pass out and vomit and vomit in their own pass out.
• A midget dressed like a lawn jockey.
• A minor stroke.
• A monster dong.
• A mouthful of strawberry blond haired covered balls.
• A pair of wanna-hump-hump pumps.
• A pale-faced English dickhole.
• A passionate man with a crossbow.
• A pimp chalice.
• A piss jar.
• A pit of despair.
• A plastic container full of feces.
• A ponzi scheme.
• A psycho clown.
• A rash in a place where a sexually active person should have a rash.
• A refreshing mojito.
• A reversible Planet Hollywood jacket.
• A roundhouse kick.
• A sash and a codpiece.
• A scoliosis back brace.
• A series of Mexican women.
• A sexually charged embrace.
• A shady people smuggler.
• A shanty town situation.
• A shit hole.
• A short, fat man in a wet T-shirt contest.
• A sixty year old man eating trash.
• A small army of inbred freaks, slowly advancing towards you and thirsting for revenge!
• A song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
• A street urchin.
• A streetwise Puerto Rican girl who's always quick with a sassy comeback.
• A suburban tool.
• A sweatshop filled with Eastern European women who smell like sausage.
• A thoughtful debate on whether a power bottom generates or receives enormous amounts of power, and which of size, strength or speed are the most important attributes.
• A tickle monster.
• A turtle shell down there.
• A Vietcong.
• A water stain that looks like the Virgin Mary.
• A well-intentioned home invasion.
• A wheelchair race through a crowded mall.
• About 15 severed heads in a refrigerator.
• Accusing someone of molesting you when you were a kid because they were a dick and you hated them.
• Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing.
• Agent Jack Bauer.
• All balls and male ass.
• All bis and tris and everything else is just fat and ribs.
• All that early '80s glam rock fem shit.
• All that eczema.
• All these diseases floating around in here.
• Almost getting raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by crackheads.
• Alvin from The Cosby Show.
• Ample breasts.
• An abortion survivor.
• An abortion.
• An adopted Sudanese family.
• An afternoon date with your vibrator named Steven.
• An Ali Baba sword.
• An elite secret sex society.
• An Enron-type situation.
• An erotic life.
• An immunity challenge.
• An Inconvenient Truth.
• An iron fist, crushing them into submission.
• An octomom.
• An ocular pat-down.
• An old lady fart passing through an onion.
• An older woman fetish.
• An orgy where everyone is all paunchy and weird and old.
• Antifreeze as a sweetener.
• Artemis.
• Ass to ass.
• Attica! Attica! Attica, man!
• Baby rape.
• Banging a mannequin dressed up as your dead roommate.
• Banging baby dudes.
• Banging each other and doing meth.
• Banging my sister.
• Banging old ladies and dudes.
• Banging the waitress.
• Bartering with Gypsies.
• Basing your decisions on what does and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby Doo.
• Bears. The gay kind.
• Beating a man about the face and the neck and maybe the chest area and possibly the groin until he's no longer consisting of life pulse.
• Being crack skinny.
• Being dumped in a bucket of piss.
• Being left with a mugger because my chickenshit brother and his friends ditched me.
• Betting fingers.
• Biggie Smalls.
• Bird flu.
• Bird law in this country.
• Birkenstocks and a Phish T-shirt.
• Blonde Chinese hair and the skin of a hot dog.
• Blotchy skin.
• Bob Dylan.
• Bones like glass.
• Bony American is dirty, dirty whore. She bring much shame to herself and country.
• Booze. Makes you feel good. Helps you sleep. Brings the tribe together.
• Boxercise.
• Breaking them like dogs.
• Breathing directly into my mouth.
• Bringing guns to an intervention.
• British peons.
• Broke and jobless.
• Brothers that bang each other.
• Bruce Mathis, a handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis.
• Bruce Willis.
• Bulimia.
• Bumping it.
• Burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.
• Calvin Coolidge was a good friend of mine.
• Cancer.
• Cannibals or sharks or whatever.
• Captain America.
• Casually eating a banana while wearing a nazi officer uniform.
• Cat food, beer and glue.
• Caving the husband's skull in, taking the wife down to the basement and having a frenzied free for all with her, and killing the kids and smearing the walls with their blood.
• Certain people hanging from said rafters.
• Charlie work.
• Charlie.
• Charlie's mom.
• Cheeto fingers.
• Chemical Toilet.
• Child stars, the happiest people on Earth.
• Chinatown.
• Chocolate Rain.
• Chopping a camel right in the hump and drinking all of its milk.
• Christopher Walken.
• Clown Baby.
• Coffee cups and food scraps.
• Complaining to your friends about your boyfriends.
• Complete assfaces.
• Confusing your own life with the plot of Rambo.
• Controlled burns.
• Conversations about dude's physiques, body mass, and how many pounds Carl Weathers and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura can pack on.
• Convincing your friends and family that you're dead.
• Cougars.
• Crab people.
• Crackin'eggs of wisdom.
• Crossing the plane of reality into the dimension of no place or time.
• Cutting your toenails with a steak knife.
• Dancing Guy.
• Dangling from a noose.
• Day Man. Fighter of the Night Man. Champion of the Sun. You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone.
• Dead baby fetuses.
• Dead cat smell.
• Death germs.
• Death To Baby-Killers.
• Delicious, delicious human meat.
• Dennis and Dee's mom.
• Dennis.
• Diaper Time!
• DickTowel.com.
• Diddling kids over at a playground.
• Dirty balls.
• Displaying cars at auto shows in tiny bikinis.
• Doing a beautiful dance, a beautiful dance with a chain saw.
• Doing gay porn with this tiny little body of yours.
• Dolph Lundgren's naked penis.
• Donovan McNabb.
• Downloading a hoagie off the Internet.
• Doyle McPoyle.
• Dr. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.
• Drinking a bunch of Monster energy drinks and dry humping.
• Drinking wine out of a soda can.
• Dropping a hard J when referring to someone as a Jew.
• Dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop, shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers.
• Dumpster baby.
• Dyslexia.
• Eagles flying through the air and picking up trout out of rivers and shit, ripping it apart and eating it.
• Eating a bitch's babies.
• Eating a fucking monkey.
• Eating a urinal cake, just to prove a point.
• Eating cat food.
• Eating the living shit out of you.
• Edward James Olmos.
• Elevating to threat level yellow.
• Eminem.
• Enriched beer, karaoke and pirates.
• Extreme Home Makeover.
• Faking disability.
• Family values.
• Fatty Magoo.
• Fecal forgery.
• Feeling his nips.
• Feet like wrecking balls.
• Five head.
• Flirting with a carny.
• Foghorn Leghorn.
• Fondling your uncle under a table.
• Forging prescriptions to pick up a chick.
• Four sausage links in your pocket.
• Frank.
• From behind, 69, anal, vaginal, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl - all the hits.
• Fueled by vengeance and reinforced with space age technology.
• Full penetration.
• Gail the snail.
• Garbage Pail Kids.
• Gay for God.
• German war propaganda.
• Getting baptized in erotic majesty.
• Getting blasted in the ass.
• Getting blasted on grain alcohol.
• Getting engaged to a 12 year old.
• Getting fork stabbed.
• Getting hopped up on performance enhancing drugs and amphetamines.
• Getting injured or seriously hurt.
• Getting piss-ass drunk at 1:00 in the afternoon.
• Getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten-gallon hats and their rotten, ass-plowing hearts.
• Getting punk'd out by a couple of hippies.
• Getting shitfaced drunk to ref a kid's basketball game.
• Getting so blackout drunk on tequila you might hurt yourself.
• Getting sweaty in a Wendy's bathroom.
• Getting this place hot and clammy.
• Getting thunderstuck.
• Getting your ass torn apart in a back alley.
• Getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for 3 days.
• Ghouls.
• Giving a eulogy for someone you never knew to impress a girl.
• Global heating.
• God's wrath.
• Going America all over their asses!
• Going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.
• Gold-digging a retarded guy.
• Gorgeous women with heaving breasts.
• Greasy, fat sausage fingers.
• Green Man!
• Grinding a homeless guy.
• Group hugging your family and having your sister scream that you touched her vagina.
• Gun Fever.
• Guys that wear tight pants and tattered clothing and spit blood.
• Haiti.
• Hands that have been smashed with hammers.
• Hanging out in a bathrobe, drinking milk.
• Harvesting organs.
• Hips and nips.
• Hobo-vertising.
• Hobos drifting from town to town, solving mysteries.
• Holland Oates.
• Holy shit, that bitch is dead.
• Hot shots.
• Huffing Pledge.
• Hundred dollar baby.
• Hunting a human.
• Illiteracy.
• Impregnating Danica Patrick while getting drunk in the Sahara Desert on a dune buggy.
• Inbreeding.
• Irish crap.
• Israel.
• Jamming feces into each others assholes.
• Jonestown.
• Jumping through barbed wire into a vat of hot tar.
• Kicking him in the dick.
• Killing tools.
• Kine bud.
• King Nazi.
• Kitten mittens.
• Laser hair removal.
• Legal recourse.
• Letting my ass breathe.
• Lifting anvils and pulling trucks through the snow.
• Liking your sex old and ugly.
• Lil' Kev.
• Long legs, taut breasts and tight poopers.
• Looking in your butt.
• Lorenzo Lamas.
• Mac.
• Mac's mom.
• Magically getting hotter.
• Magnets.
• Many, many thousands of green people from history times.
• Margaret McPoyle.
• Massages and hand jobs being thrown around like hotcakes.
• McPoyles. McPoyles everywhere.
• Men in tight white underpants.
• Milksteak boiled over hard and a side of your finest jellybeans, raw.
• Milksteak.
• Molestation.
• Moonshine induced blindness.
• Mr. Kim's Korean barbecue.
• Mr. Tibbs.
• My balls on your chin.
• My butt filled like a Christmas stocking.
• My fist right into your ass! Hard and fast. Not in a sexual way, but in a 'I am pissed off at you' way.
• My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
• My horrible whore wife.
• My MySpace page.
• Nerds.
• Newspaper, a piece of a credit card, blood and wolf hair.
• Night Man.
• Nightcrawlers.
• No longer turned on by mules.
• North Korea.
• North Virginia.
• Not listening to words like 'no' or 'don't' or 'stop' because you are a winner.
• Not really having any convictions.
• One rock of crack.
• Orange assholes.
• Over-privileged pieces of shit.
• Paddy's Pub.
• Paris Hilton.
• Passing the same fish head back and forth.
• Patch Adams.
• Paying the troll toll to get into this boy's hole.
• People's knees.
• Pepper Jack's best ho.
• Philadelphia.
• Picking up bar whores.
• Piss and shit everywhere.
• Places like Las Vegas and New Orleans and spring break.
• Playing at ballet.
• Pleading drunk as a defense to criminal charges.
• Plucking out your eyes and jamming them into your ears.
• Plutonium.
• Poo-Poo Pants.
• Poop on the shoes.
• Pooping in a bed.
• Pop-Pop.
• Pretending to be gay, for the tips and compliments.
• Project Badass.
• Psychological damage.
• Public access TV.
• Pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses and doing a little plowing of our own.
• Pulling your own teeth out.
• Puritanical restrictions.
• Pussy Hands.
• Putting bacon bits in your hair so you can feel like a Cobb salad, having them raining down on your booty call while you bang.
• Putting my cream all over his face.
• Putting our nuts in some dude's mouth.
• Raping you so hard the room would stink, then eating your butt and his son's butt in the stink until his stomach was full of your butts.
• Retard strength.
• Rick Astley.
• Rickety Cricket.
• Riddled with toxins.
• Riding the short bus.
• Ripping an asshole in half like toilet paper.
• Ripping the head off of a beloved stuffed animal.
• Roaming the streets, having unprotected sex with multiple partners, sharing needles and contracting the HIV virus.
• Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.
• Rock, flag and eagle.
• Rocky IV.
• Rosie Perez.
• Russian roulette.
• Saddam Hussein.
• Salting someone.
• Samantha and Carrie and the dykey redhead.
• Scratching hard and very vigorously.
• Scurvy.
• Sears. It's awesome and it's products save peoples lives.
• Securing your place in Hell.
• Segregation.
• Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.
• Sexual blackmail.
• Sharing, it's a rule now.
• Shaved pubes.
• Shooting up with the homeless people and banging for money on the street.
• Showering in your brother's urine.
• Sifting through the feces.
• Sinbad.
• Sitting on a cloud of judgment and handing down life lessons to all the sinners.
• Skinning a son of a bitch and wearing his face.
• Skinny jeans.
• Slanderous perverts lacking any semblance of moral fortitude.
• Sleeping with a toothless, oily busboy.
• Slumdog Millionaire.
• Smacking someone's face off of their face.
• Smelling a crime before it even happens.
• Smelling like a dog fart.
• Smoking cigarettes to suffocate the bacteria in your stomach caused by the ingestion of poisonous apple seeds.
• Smuggling heroin through your anus.
• Snapping into an alternate and distinct personality, causing you to go on a serial killing rampage.
• Sneaking down and eating everybody's pets.
• So much shit shoved up your ass.
• Social responsibility.
• Sodomites in frilly lace.
• Sodomizing the king whilst the queen is forced to witness.
• Sodomy.
• Some big boss man fat cat.
• Some kind of spice blend or pesticide, or some other kind of sandy poison.
• Some slaves.
• Some sort of a poison glaze.
• Some sort of giant bird.
• Some square commie-ass piece of shit!
• Some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage.
• Some sweet-ass shoes.
• Some weak ass-buster shit, bro.
• Something teabag related.
• Standing in poop.
• Statutory rape.
• Stealing a terminally ill kid's medication.
• Sticky kisses due to the candy and beer in your mouth.
• Stockholm Syndrome.
• Strapping on my job helmet and squeezing down into a job cannon and firing off into job land where jobs grow on jobbies.
• Surviving on hand soap and toilet water.
• Swayze in Roadhouse.
• Sweet Dee.
• Tacos.
• Taking the tip of my penis and sticking it in a guy's mouth for, like, just a second.
• Talking about your feelings and shit.
• Tango and Cash.
• Tearing up pillows and pooping on the floor.
• That anteater nose.
• That elephant you slept with last night.
• That Jesus-on-the-cross look, because crucifixion is really good for your core.
• That pile of bones and flesh.
• That whole tsunami and Superdome thing.
• That's So Raven.
• The 'Move' that always works with the ladies.
• The Aluminum Monster.
• The American school system.
• The bottom of a birdcage.
• The brains.
• The cats are brown.
• The Christ.
• The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
• The decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington.
• The dedication you got to put into eating a human body.
• The ejaculate of the homeless.
• The eyes of a cat.
• The fat parts.
• The Frankie Fast Hands technique.
• The gang.
• The guy that shoots the lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears the big, straw hat. His eyes go all white and shit, and Kurt Russell fights him.
• The Hardy Boys.
• The hottest gay bar in Philly.
• The inevitable blindness that results from injecting Mexican collagen into your eye.
• The Juvenile Lupus Association.
• The law, and various other lawyerings.
• The little asswipe.
• The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore.
• The looks.
• The mad munchkin.
• The McPoyle brothers.
• The memory that haunts you.
• The mind-body-abs connection.
• The morgue.
• The most horrible people alive.
• The muscle.
• The mystery behind the poop.
• The National Health Inspectors Store.
• The New Kids on the Block.
• The New Orleans levees.
• The new poor.
• The new sausage-egg McGriddle value meal, available now for a limited time for under $5.
• The Nightman Cometh.
• The Party Mansion.
• The Pecan Sandies.
• The personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi.
• The ramblings of a crazy, old racist.
• The rape scene.
• The raping...I'm sorry, the sexing from behind.
• The removal of human genitalia.
• The return/exchange policy on adopting orphans.
• The Rococo Bang.
• The shady shit that goes down in nursing homes, like people getting assraped.
• The spirit that beat the Japanese.
• The spontaneous act of copulation, or fellatio, or at the very least, a hand job.
• The Steve Winwood classic 'Higher Love'.
• The strong musky power of true love.
• The subtleties of Charlie's retardation.
• The subtlety of a baboon.
• The sweet, sweet trash.
• The Taliban.
• The Talibum.
• The troll guy.
• The unibrow.
• The unmistakable bulge of a large penis in the jeans of a pre-op tranny.
• The useless chick.
• The vig on this action.
• The vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach after chugging a Red Bull.
• The Waitress.
• The war where we saved Japan.
• The welfare store.
• The white-hot cream of an eighth-grade boy.
• The worst bar in Philly.
• Thin corneas.
• This little game of hearts and minds.
• Threatening to smash a kid's face into a jelly.
• Throwing away your convictions for a chance to get laid.
• Throwing detergent into the eyes of a male runway model.
• Throwing jars of pee out the window.
• Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy, I need you. Tiny boy, little boy, want to make love to you.
• Tokyo drifting.
• Tom Brady.
• Tripping headlong into a car door.
• Trying out for the Eagles.
• Trying to seduce your friend's mom because they banged yours, and failing.
• Trying to turn a profit off the murder of millions of innocent people.
• Tugging your rotten pecker.
• Turkey neck.
• Turning a trick or two.
• Turtle-heading.
• Twinks.
• Two bastards.
• Two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top and one on bottom. One inside and one is out. One is screamin' he's so happy. The other's screamin' a passionate shout.
• Two trannies shooting at each other.
• Un-American freedom haters.
• Uncle Jack.
• Underage drinking.
• Underage rape.
• Using your head like a battering ram.
• Viet-goddamn-nam!
• Viva la Vulva.
• Washing my testicles every Friday.
• Watching somebody poop.
• Waterboarding some guy.
• Wet nips.
• Whales raping each other.
• Whoring out your kids.
• Wild card, bitches!
• Woodstock.
• Yogurt up my ass and a popsicle stick in my mouth.
• Your fat little monkey face.
• Your fat monkey heart.
• Your homeless ivory tower.
• Your little gingerbread man.
• Your mainline, cashmere, moussed coif hairspray.
• Your phony, suburban, half-assed bullshit.
• Your soul mate of pain.
• Your whore mother.

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