Greetings! I wanted to share a bit of our current story and some thoughts of the architecture I'm pursuing to hear the opinion of the community about possible limitations, areas of improvement or any random comment you guys have. I'm kind of having a bit of impostor syndrome trying to find reassurance in the decisions I'm proposing as it's hard to tell if in a 5 year time it was worth making those choices or a complete nightmare, I feel it fits well my team's and product needs but since it goes a bit against common practices is intimidating and hard to always look all cool and secure when proposing this changes.
My team and I are working on a fintech product in its early days that needs to be very reliable and secure as it will be dealing with user's real money. I'm responsible mostly for the system's security which in our early stages mostly means making design decisions that will keep our attack surface as small as possible by making certain attack vectors impossible by design. Big part of it is the use of Rust which the team is already onboard with and started learning already, other design decisions include for the longer term "blockchainizing" and decentralizing our product.
Now comes the monolith vs micro-service discussion. Typical story here, like with most start-ups the company started with its rushed MVP quality monolith that grew and lasted longer than it should have, with the many mistakes that curse monoliths like bad coupling among components, not well defined domains and dependencies, shared global state, etc, then it transitioned(perhaps to early) to a micro-service kubernetes based architecture like all "cool kids" do nowadays, sadly and not surprisingly implemented in not the best way, with still a lot of coupling plus the many not well handled complexities of the new infrastructure and it's elevated costs. Now this annoying guy🖐🏽 comes in trying to defy common knowledge and suggesting that perhaps is better to go back to a monolith ... wait WHAAAT!?
First I think it was too early to think of having multiple services, the team didn't(and still doesn't) have the resources and expertise needed to deal with the many complexities of micro services, specially in the operational/infra side, and now we suffer from the expected issues of hard to debug bugs with no logging or tracing infrastructure, weak CI/CD pipeline, no end-to-end tests, etc.... but but kubernetes and scalability and and X startup did Y ... yeah but did I mention everything still has been running on one single EC2(expensive) instance, that there's one container per service at a time and traffic is in the tens or less req/s not hundreds? why do we even need k8s and it's learning curve? do we need the many data-bases? Doesn't this look like just a bigger more complex monolith?
Now with Rust already being acknowledged as a reality and necessity for the core of our product I propose to extend its reach to basically everything, one mono repo, one service service to rule them all. My rationale and assumption being, a Rust monolith "done well" can scale just as good or better, scaling not by adding more metal to the mix but by making things faster and simpler. It's not only about the time we cut form a node.js service handling some logic vs what Rust takes in comparison but also the network round trips, (de)serialization or data base look-ups(sled? embedded db dangerous?) etc, I think we can shave up lots of precious CPU cycles there!
Then there's still the issue of scalability on the code base level, how to grow a healthy code base and avoid things getting all tangled and coupled together again, minimize global mutable state and retain simplicity? For this I think restricting developer's "creativity" is a good approach, to avoid foot shoots by following well known design patterns. The first building block I thought about was an actor system that could help with reliable delivery of messages between components, and keeping things running, also to enforce go's mantra of sharing by communicating and not communicating by sharing memory(avoid global state at least among the main components of the system). Didn't find a lot of offer in the actor frameworks department but started to play with Riker which seemed simple enough and not too focused on HTTP+REST like actix, could be more mature but so far is proving itself useful. Then to further "restrict creativity" started to play with an event sourcing+CQRS abstraction on top of the actor framework hoping it can be a good balance of flexibility with "there should be just one obvious way to do things". When it comes to storing data, I'm very tempted to have a Sled backed, embedded event store to align with my future hopes of decentralization and the whole system being a single binary, double-click kind of thing that others can easily deploy and run in their own machines to serve a few hundreds or thousands of customers. It's well received in the company by now that our future might look more as like decentralized organization, focusing mostly on a specific geography and letting others like us pop up in other parts of the world to build a bigger whole. Am I being to idealistic thinking some young libraries can replace a more traditional architecture? specially on the DB side not using one of the (no)SQL DBs that we all know and love. How much of a risky move is it to build on top of experimental tech for a thing that is built to last? How far can this get us before we really need more instances? How long can vertical scaling take me? What if management says a couple of years down the line that we are not betting on decentralization, we need to serve millions of users on our own, shouldn't be that hard to break down the monolith down the line but there might be troubles I can't see? What other bottle necks am I likely to find? Am I trusting Rust's super powers too much? 🤷🏻‍😅
Lot's of uncertainty mixed with excitement, I feel is a good plan specially to achieve the goal of a secure system with minimized attack surface standing on the shoulders of giants ... but let's see what surprises await in the future 😱

Hi, I’m u/CokeZ3ro and welcome to the Falcons’ 2020 Offseason review

Atlanta Falcons

2019 Record 7-9 (4-2 in division); 2nd Place in the NFC South
I’ll be starting off with a quick tl;dr for those who can’t read the whole post
Coaching Changes: Officially promoting the 2 Defensive coaches that saved the season, new TE Coach, and some minor stuff.
Free Agency: Todd Gurley and Dante Fowler were the biggest splashes. Otherwise we filled depth.
Draft: Filled a CB need with A.J. Terrell, supplied the DT pass rush with Marlon Davidson, filled depth.
Quick Roster Evaluation:

• QB: We got Matty Ice and Matty Schaub, we good
  
• RB: Gurley and his friends run a committee. Likely nobody will stick out as great, but let’s just hope it gets the job done.
  
• WR: Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley, and a boat load of depth. It’s great here.
  
• TE: We’re betting on Hayden Hurst being better than the Ravens showed.
  
• OL: Last year’s rookies fill their roles. Let’s hope for no injuries and pray that they don’t try to kill Matt Ryan again.
  
• DE: Please get sacks Dante Fowler, and hopefully Takk McKinely will play for money. Big question mark here.
  
• DT: Grady Jarret and friends Tyeler Davison (good against run) and Marlon Davidson (good at pass rush)
  
• LB: Deion Jones continues to play well, and he has good company, it’s a strong unit.
  
• S: Ricardo Allen, Keanu Neal, and Damontae Kazee are back together. If Neal’s ACL doesn’t explode again, they should be really good.
  
• CB: A bunch of hopeful younglings (two 2nd years and a rookie). This is the team’s greatest question mark.
  
• Specialists: Younghoe Koo is back and we have a punter fight.
  

Now for the in-depth breakdown

Coaching Changes:

Defensive Coordinator: Raheem Morris
Would you believe it, Morris started the season coaching offense? The once Head Coach of the Buccaneers served as an assistant coach & wide receivers’ coach for the first half of the 2019 season. After the disastrous start to the season, one of the changes made was to move Morris over to Secondary Coach, where he shared defensive calling responsibility with Ben Ulrich. The benefits of that change (and others) were immediate. Over the final eight games, the team went 6-2 and the defense went from having the lowest amount of takeaways in the first half of the season (4) to finishing with the second-most in the NFL (16) after Week 9. The defense also vaulted from the bottom of the league rankings to the top 10 in sacks (32nd to 10th), scoring efficiency (32nd to 9th), and red zone efficiency (31st to 6th) over the final eight weeks of the season. As such, Quinn is keeping the coaching changes he made in place, with the hope we’ll see similar results for the whole season this year. Why Morris instead of Ulbrich? Morris was in charge of the potentially more difficult 3rd downplay calls this past season, and he has a long resume of defensive coaching that will enable him to naturally fill the role.
Assistant Head Coach/Linebackers: Jeff Ulbrich
While Ulbrich didn’t get DC, his efforts during the 2019 season were not unrewarded. Taking play calling responsibilities for a majority of defensive plays after the bye week, Ulbrich showed he was more than capable as a coach and strategist. The accolades that I gave to Morris earlier can just as well go to Ulbrich as well. This will be Ulbrich’s 6th year as Linebackers Coach, a stint that has provided the Falcons’ most consistent defensive unit in recent years.
Tight Ends Coach: Ben Steele After the retirement of Mike Mularkey in January, Steele was promoted up from Offensive Assistant. Steele is a veteran of Dirk Koetter’s offense, having worked under him as the Buccaneers’ Tight End Coach during the 2017 season. Credited as a contributing factor in Austin Hooper’s great season, Steele will now have the important responsibility of coaching a vastly different tight end group.
Defensive Line (Des)/Run Game Coordinator: Tosh Lupoi Last season Lupoi served as the Browns’ Defensive Line Coach. On the falcons he will specifically focus on defensive ends (Jess Simpson will coach Defensive Tackles more specifically this year).
Secondary/Defensive Pass Game Coordinator: Joe Whitt Jr. Another Cleveland coach, Whitt served in the same role last season at Cleveland.
Minor Changes: Aden Durde to Outside Linebacker Coach ; Chad Walker to Safeties Coach ; Danny Beyer as offensive assistant.
Overall Thoughts: The two biggest coaching “moves” basically happened during the season, the titles are just official now. The hope is that Quinn, Morris, and Ulbrich can once again find whatever defensive magic came to them in the 2nd half of the season. It was this change in the defense that “saved” the season, and prevented the whole structure from being torn down, so the pressure is certainly there. If the defense carries any similarity to last year’s finish, it will be one of the better defenses in the NFL. But if I’ve learned anything over the past couple of seasons, it’s that nobody can predict how the Falcons’ defense will play. Beyond defense, tight end is the most important coaching to watch. With Hooper’s departure, the position is an unknown, with the hope that Hayden Hurst will live up to his draft potential. Steele will hopefully play an important role in improving and integrating the group into the offense. Overall, it’s a much calmer coaching offseason than last year, with the hope that the energy from the end of last year will continue.

Re-signed Players

Player	Position	Contract
Younghoe Koo	K	1-yr / $750,000
Keith Smith	FB	3 yr / $4,300,000 / $1,950,000 Gtd
Tyeler Davison	DT	3 yr / $12,000,000 / $4,550,00 Gtd
Brian Hill	RB	5th Round Tender / $2,133,000
Sharrod Neasman	S	1 yr / $950,000
Blindi Wreh-Wilson	CB	1 yr. / $1,187,500 / $137,500 Gtd
Allen Bailey	Defensive End	1 yr Extension / $4,500,000 / $3,250,000 Gtd

Re-sign Thoughts: Nothing too major or risky here. If Koo can keep up the highs of what he did last year, we should be in good shape (more onsides would be cool too). The others serve helpful depth roles that we’ll need this year. My one issue is with the size of Keith Smith’s contract, it feels pretty large for how much he contributed last season. But fullbacks are a dying commodity, so maybe there’s bigger plans for him.

Player Trades

Player	Position	Previous Team	Trade Deal
Hayden Hurst	TE	Baltimore Ravens	Hurst + 2020 4th for 2020 2nd + 2020 5th
Charles Harris	DE	Miami Dolphins	Harris for 2021 7th

Trade Thoughts: With Austin Hooper’s departure, the Falcons were left with a greatly depleted group, and a huge question mark at the position. Hurst’s trade hoped to solve that question and profit off of the 1st round pick. Hurst is still an unknown however, since he did not see ample playing time in Baltimore thanks to the likes of Mark Andrews. If Hurst lives up to the potential that Baltimore drafted him for, the cost will have been well worth it, but the jury is still out. Harris is a low-cost attempt to put some depth into one of the teams most worrying positions. Nice if it pans out well, not too painful if it doesn’t.
Free Agent Signings

Player	Position	Previous Team	Contract
LaRoy Reynolds	ILB	San Francisco 49ers	1 yr / $1,050,000
Laquon Treadwell	WR	Minnesota Vikings	1 yr / $910,000
Dante Fowler Jr.	DE	Los Angeles Rams	3 yr / $45,000,000 / $23,000,000 Gtd
Khari Lee	TE	Buffalo Bills (2018)	1 yr / $910,000
Edmond Robinson	OLD	New York Jets (2018)	1 yr / $750,000
Todd Gurley	RB	Los Angeles Rams	1 yr / $5,500,000 / $5,500,000 Gtd
Josh Hawkins	CB	Philadelphia Eagles	1 yr / $860,000
Deone Buccannon	ILB	Tampa Bay Buccaneers	1yr / $910,000

Free Agency Addition Thoughts: I would like to thank the Los Angeles Rams for our two splashiest signings. Both Gurley and Fowler will likely be the best players at their positions, and the team desperately needs them to at least perform averagely. If Fowler is able to put up the same numbers he did last season it would be a godsend to a struggling Falcons’ D-Line. While it’s likely that the Falcons will employ an RB Committee this year, Gurley’s skills will be vital in tough situations. Even a shadow of his former self would be the best RB on the team. If you hadn’t heard, Gurley and Treadwell’s signing complete an offense ^potentially composed entirely of 1st Round draft picks. I don’t expect the other signees to see the field much, but any depth is always appreciated.

Departures

Player	Position	Reason	New Team
Alex Gray	TE	Waived	Free Agent
ReShede Hageman	DT	Waived	Free Agent
Vic Beasley	DE	Free Agency	Tennessee Titans
Devonta Freeman	RB	Released	Free Agent
Desmond Trufant	CB	Released	Detroit Lions
Ty Sambrailo	OT	Released	Tennessee Titans
Luke Stocker	TE	Released	Free Agent
Austin Hooper	TE	Free Agency	Cleveland
De’Vondre Campbell	LB	Free Agency	Cardinals
Kenjon Barner	RB	Free Agency	Free Agent

Departures Thoughts: Per usual this list features a mix of blown expectations, too expensive, and free agent losses. Hooper is probably the most painful loss, but he was going to be too expensive to re sign after his explosive season. Trufant’s release was inevitable sadly, he hasn’t played up to his 2015 level and the contract he earned. Unfortunately it leaves the cornerbacks without a veteran presence. Freeman was way too expensive for the pitiful numbers he’s put up recently. He has an intense injury bug, and hasn’t been that great when he was able to play. Campbell also sucks some since he was pretty decent at LB, he played a big role when Deion Jones was injured. The terror of Vic Beasley is finally over, but our DE position is still desperately weak.

2020 Draft

Round/Pick	Player	Position	College
1.16	A.J. Terrell	Cornerback	Clemson
2.47	Marlon Davidson	Defensive Tackle	Auburn
3.78	Matt Hennessey	Center	Temple
4.119	Mykal Walker	Linebacker	Fresno State
4.134	Jaylinn Hawkins	Safety	California
7.228	Sterling Hofrichter	Punter	Syracuse

A.J. Terrell: While many fans were pining for a Defensive Tackle, Cornerback was a huge need after the release of Desmond Trufant. In typical Falcon’s fashion they drafted someone nobody had mocked them to. In Terrell Atlanta will gain a large, physical outside corner, capable of playing both man and zone. Terrell is great at both reading the quarterback, and being physically present over the receivers he covers. While he only faced 30 targets before the playoffs last year, he still earned First Team All-ACC. I’ll acknowledge his LSU game before someone else does. It wasn’t great, but nobody played well against Jamar Chase last season, and it was ultimately one day. If there are doubts on how he’ll play against good competition on the big stage, look no further than the previous national championship where he scored a Pick-6 against Tua. Somethings Terrell can improve on include improvements at the catch, and more physicality for NFL level play. Ultimately, while picking Terrell left questions on the D-Line, it filled a depleted cornerback group with a starting presence, and was debatably the best option available for them without a trade up. B
Marlon Davidson: While Derrick Brown attracted all the hype coming into the draft, it was actually Davidson who led the team in sacks (6.5-7.5 source dependent). Roughly a fourth of his tackles were for loss, as he and Brown dominated opposing lines. Ideally, Davidson will form a similar DT partnership with stalwart Grady Jarrett and give some bite to a lacking Falcons D-line. Davidson posses a great ability to penetrate opposing lines to disrupt the play, with tackles and sacks to boot. Furthermore, he also serves well to stand tall to halt runningbacks in their tracks. One worry of note is that Davidson played a decent amount of snaps as an edge player at Auburn. With Atlanta he’ll predominantly be lined up at tackle, especially given the defenses leaning towards 4-3, so he’ll need to adjust to that. This past draft was one deep at Defensive Tackle, and the Falcons have found a great partner for Jarrett. A
Matt Hennessey: Finally I can expand my gameday drinking options. But in all seriousness Hennessy serves to fill a need that doesn’t exist quite yet. This year is Alex Mack’s last season on contract with the Falcons, so the position is an unknown next year. Hennessey will train to potentially fill his role come next year and will compete for and play at Left Guard in the meantime (he played guard some in college). It may seem dubious with our commitment to the O-line through FA and the Draft last season, but Matt Ryan was sacked for a career high 48 times last season. More help is needed. Hennessey excels at moving quickly to his one or two assignments and will commit to extending the play beyond that point. He needs to work on his strength and size if he is to maintain a spot on the starting lineup. Ultimately, he’s a solid investment for the future, with benefits this season. And I really hope he pans out because his name is great. A-
Mykal Walker: After departures in the past season, Linebacker has become a thin position behind Deion Jones and Foye Oluokun. Walker has the size and strength to be good at the position. He displays position flexibility, playing both edge and inside linebacker in college. His movements remain somewhat stiff in comparison to what is needed, but there’s time to work on that. Walker will likely see both rotation at LB and special teams play. B
Jaylinn Hawkins: Speaking of position flexibility, Hawkins started at wide receiver, moved to cornerback, before finishing college at safety. Hawkins as good speed and does well to create turnovers, something the Falcons have been lacking. While he’s considered a reach in the 4th, he’ll fill in some much-needed safety depth, considering the injury history of Allen and Neal. Otherwise he’ll serve well on special teams. C+
Sterling Hofrichter: Hofrichter was brought in to give punter Ryan Allen some competition going into the season. Hofrichter was a 4-time Ray Guy award nominee, so he’s no schmuck himself, and was great at giving airtime. It’s low risk but begs the question why it couldn’t have been an UFDA signing. Oh well. C

Undrafted Free Agent Signings

CB Tyler Hall, DE Austin Edwards, DT Hinwa Allieu, FB Mikey Daniel, LB Jordan Williams, LB Ray Wilborn, DE Bryson Young, DT Sailosi Latu, C Austin Capps, CB Delrick Abrams, LT Hunter Atkinson, TE Caleb Repp, WR Jalen McCleskey, RT Scottie Dill, WR Chris Rowland, TE Jared Pinkney, CB Rojesterman Farris, OT Evin Ksiezarczyk, WR Juwan Green and OG Justin Gooseberry.

Training Camp Battles

RB2*: I put an apostrophe here because a lot will depend on who Gurley shapes up. While Gurley is presumed to be the important situation and 3rd down back, it’s less clear who will be the primary back to relieve him. And that of course is assuming there will be someone who stands out. The two primary candidates are Ito Smith and Brian Hill, who both performed serviceably last season behind Freeman. Quadree Ollison and UDFA Mikey Daniel serve as candidates for short yardage situations.
WR3&4: We have a lot of receivers. Julio Jones and Calvin Ridley are the obvious 1&2, but there’s less certainty after that. Russell Gage will most likely play as WR3, he was the best of the group last season. Behind him is an extensive list including: Laquon Treadwell, Olamide Zacchaeus, Christian Blake, Brandon Powell, Devin Gray, and Chris Roland; to name a few. It’s easily the deepest group on the team.
TE2: Unless things go terribly; Hayden Hurst will be the starting tight end. Jaeden Graham leads the charge of potential candidates for the backup spot. Graham was a UDFA who made the 53-man roster last season, so he has the most experience of any of the candidate. Graham’s competition includes Carson Meier, Jared Pinkey, and Caleb Repp.
LG: James Carpenter started 11 games at guard last year, which he played serviceably, but Quinn has indicated that there will be competition for the position. Hennessey is the main competition for the spot, even though center will be his long-term position. I would imagine they
DT2: This competition will be to determine the how often and the roles in which either Tyeler Davison or Marlon Davidson will play. Wow those last names will be confusing to hear. Davison has proven himself to be an asset to halting the run game, while Davidson provides a more potent pass rush. If Davidson is able to adapt to increased play as a run blocking DT, I could see him taking the starting spot later on in the season, but it’ll take some time.
LB Depth: Behind Deion Jones and Foye Oluokun the position is very untested. It’s likely rookie Mykal Walker will see playing time, but the 4th spot will be contentious. Contenders include LaRoy Reynolds, Ahmad Thomas, Edmond Robinson, and Jordan Williams.
Punter: Hell yeah, we have a punter fight. Ryan Allen started 8 games last year after Matt Bosher bit the bullet, but we’ve spent a draft pick on Sterling Hofrichter to challenge him. Supposedly, the ability to pin punts within the red zone will be a key factor in determining the starter. May the better punter win and do it for the culture.

Likely Starting Lineup

QB: Matt Ryan Even coming off a lesser season, Ryan remains one of the better Quarterbacks in the league. No issue here as long as the O-line doesn’t conspire to kill him again.
RB: Todd Gurley, kind of . Given the uncertainty around Gurley’s knee, he will be receiving a limited workload this season. So, while he may be the RB1 by all indications, he’s unlikely to put up any RB1 numbers, and the RB position will be committee based on most downs. Now if he found some of Russell Wilson’s magic water and is suddenly fine, then you could easily count him as RB1.
FB: Keith Smith I’ll say the same thing I said for Ricky Ortiz last year. It’s a hard life for Fullbacks in today’s NFL, and Smith is no Patrick DiMarco, he’s going to have to prove his worth.
TE: Hayden Hurst, Jaeden Smith You don’t spend the draft capital we did on Hurst and not start him, and he’s likely the best TE regardless. My bet is on Smith to earn the TE position, but his use will be limited.
WR: Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley, Russell Gage Above the smorgasbord that is our WR depth, these three are set nicely within their roles. While Sanu is missed personally, his role is well filled by Gage, and Ridley continues to improve.
LT: Jake Matthews Last year Matthews was one of the best players on the line last year. He will continue to hold up the vital position.
LG: James Carpenter Carpenter has done decent in the past but he’s definitely facing pressure for his spot this year. Matt Hennessey may take the start later on, but I would bet on Carpenter starting with it, due to experience if anything.
C: Alex Mack Even after a down season last year, Mack is one of the most important players on the offense. Hopefully, his intelligent play will bring the offense back to glory.
RG: Chris Lindstrom When he was healthy Lindstrom proved he was more than capable of playing the position well. Now we can only hope he stays healthy this season.
RT: Kaleb McGary Last season McGary proved himself capable as an NFL tackle, winning the spot and performing decently enough with it, for the most part. However, McGary had an issue with giving up sacks (13, 1st according to PFF), a trend which must be nipped quickly.
DE: Dante Fowler, Takk McKinley This group will have to step up this year as the team has had poor sack numbers in recent years. This year is a contract year for McKinley, so hopefully that will drive some results. Fowler’s performance last year gives some hope, but ultimately, it’s unknown if he can sustain those numbers.
DT: Grady Jarret, Tyeler Davison I have no doubt in both Grady’s run stopping ability and his pass rush. I think at the start of the season Tyeler Davison will see play more often as Davidson works to improve. Especially with how unsure practice will be this season, Davison is the safer pick.
LB: Deion Jones, Foye Oluokun 2 great recent draft successes, Oluokun especially has risen and proven his worth in recent seasons. This should be a pretty good group if the injury bug leaves Deion alone.
CB: Kendall Sheffield, A.J. Terrell, Isiah Oliver Christ this is a young group. Sheffield and Oliver are both on their sophomore year, and Terrell is the shiny 1st round pick. As such, this is probably the greatest unknown on the entire team. Sheffield was surprisingly good last year (Those OSU corners are something else), Oliver had good flashes, and Terrell offer hopeful potential. Alternatively, they may all crumble to the harsh challenges of being a CB in the LOADED NFC South. Who knows?
S: Ricardo Allen, Keanu Neal, Demontae Kazee Allen is the brain of the defense and was vital to saving our secondary last season. Keanu would be great as a Strong Safety if his ACL didn’t fucking hate him. Furthermore, this is a contract year for him, so one would hope that he’ll try his ass off to make up for 2 lost seasons. Last time Kazee was at Safety he led the NFL in interceptions, which was pretty cool. I expect that Kazee will play corner roles (he played corner last year) occasionally in order to help out the younglings at CB.
P: Ryan Allen I expect Allen’s experience to help him win out the job, but it could easily go the other way.
K: Younghoe Koo Koo was pretty good as a place kicker when he came in last season, and his onside kicks are the stuff of legend . Unrelated, but at 2:37 in that video look at the top right of the screen and you’ll see my favorite thing from last season.
KR: Brandon Powell He returned kicks a few times for the lions.
Long Snapper: Josh HarrisHe’ll steal your girl if you aren’t careful.

Season Prediction in the comments

Special Thanks to u/PlatypusOfDeath for organizing this

Rise UP

Link to Hub

passive power: o' mother, megara (court and chamber) 

active power: o' mourning one, kathodos (descent) 

active power: o' mysterious one, anodos (ascent) 

active power: o' fair one, nesteia (fasting) 

Tavush Battles / How did it start and end?

July 12.... July 13…. July 14.... July 15.... July 16…. July 17…. July 18…. July 19…. July 20…. July 21... July 22.... July 23.... July 24... July 25... July 27... July 28... July 29...

Shots fired at night

Army: it was relatively calm. Azeris made unsuccessful use of Igla and OSA-AK weapons a few times.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193824

Civil unrest abroad

Haypress reports that 30 Azeris attacked an Armenian hookah bar in Cologne, Germany causing damage to the exterior. The owner says the attackers came and asked if he's Armenian before the attack.
https://haypress.de/staatsschutz-ermittelt-nach-angriff-auf-koelner-shisha-ba

Armenian products return to shelves

Last week Moscow's [Azeri-owned?] "Tvoy Dom" market removed Armenian food from the shelves and replaced them with Azeri ones. Today they decided to bring back the Armenian food.
No progress by Food City, the largest market that earlier kicked the Armenians out.
https://factor.am/273152.html

The U.S.- Greek institute...

...condemned Azerbaijan's threats against Armenian nuclear power plant.
https://armenpress.am/arm/news/1023578.html

Russia is closely monitoring...

... the Turkish-Azeri drill near the Armenian border, said Russia.
https://armenpress.am/arm/news/1023582.html

Ilham Aliyev isn't getting much love these days

Washington Post's editorial board: Azerbaijan’s president aims to finish off the political opposition.
Amid the pandemic, low oil prices and tensions with archrival Armenia, Mr. Aliyev has suddenly discovered a “fifth column” of enemies.
They arrested as many as 120 opposition members, journalists, deputy leaders of the opposition parties.
Full: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/global-opinions/azerbaijans-president-aims-to-finish-off-the-political-opposition/2020/07/29/db4ca91c-d0f0-11ea-8c55-61e7fa5e82ab_story.html

Nemets Rubo hiding in Russia

In May, the ex-HHK MP and Soccer Federation chief Nemets Rubo (Ruben Hayrapetyan) was charged with kidnapping and torturing his employee for alleged theft, in his Harsnaqar restaurant. He's also charged with large-scale embezzlement.
Nemets fled to Russia, and an arrest warrant in-absentia was issues
 
The Russian authorities suspended the arrest warrant on Russian soil. Rubo's lawyer believes it's because he never kept his residential address in Russia secret.
Armenian prosecutors sent a letter to the Russian colleagues for details about the warrant's suspension.
 
Today Rubo was charged with more counts of abuse of power.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193858 , https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193881

ex-NSS chief Vanetsyan

NSS is investigating something, so they called ex-NSS chief Vanetsyan to give details.
The NSS denied rumors by Joghovurd outlet which circulated rumors that Vanetsyan would be charged today as part of a felony investigation.
 
In other news, Sasna Tsrer's Jirayr Sefilian is also called for questioning tomorrow, as part of likely another case.
https://factor.am/273085.html , https://news.am/arm/news/594278.html

update: Match-fixing in the soccer league

Earlier we learned how Soccer Federation busted several teams in the Lower League with alleged match-fixing, after cooperating with INTERPOL, NSS, and sports betting agencies.
 
6 Russian soccer players and co-owners of Armenian clubs were permanently banned from the league. They're also facing penalties. They deny wrongdoing and decided to sue the Soccer Federation, claiming defamation.
 
Overall, 58 people and 5 clubs were disqualified, including some from the Higher League. The results of 11 matches were annulled.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193875

COVID stats

+1,374 tested (161,754). +259 infected (8,877 active). +542 healed. +5 deaths including a doctor (728).
 
Pashinyan: for the first time since June, we have fewer than 9K active cases. The daily infections are fewer than 400 for 6 days straight.
Every one of us has the responsibility to help break COVID's spine. Wear masks, keep a distance, respect the safe queue lines.
 
30 conscripts were tested positive since July 1st before being able to join the army.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193831 , https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193834 , https://armenpress.am/arm/news/1023601.html

other COVID news

After paying an unannounced visit, Human Rights Ombudsman complained that the penitentiary system doesn't have a proper COVID prevention strategy and training for staff.
 
Prominent QP MP Gayane A. was in a hospital with medium condition. Today she was moved back home after improvement. She thanked the doctors at Norq.
 
50,000 masks were donated to soldiers with the help of Artyom Minosyan and Tovmasyan Foundation.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193835 , https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193838 , https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193897

New appointments and terminations

Pashinyan terminated Kotayk governor Romanos Petrosyan's duties. He's been promoted as Nature Minister. The previous Minister Eric departed 2 months ago. https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193837
 
10 people were fired from the Diaspora Committee, including the leaders of CIS, European, Australian, South American, church-relations branches.
4 officials' jobs were rotated.
Diaspora Committee says these changes were expected and publicly discussed on July 7th.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193826 , https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193859 , https://news.am/arm/news/594379.html , https://news.am/arm/news/589811.html

Salaries for the new police forces

Earlier the govt decided to launch a new police force, with new training, attire, attitude, tech, etc. Some ~1400 people applied for ~700 jobs.
 
Here are the monthly salaries for New vs Existing cops in Yerevan:
<2 year experience: $665 vs $395
<5 year experience: $770 vs $610 (or $390 in rural areas)
<10 year experience: $835
They can earn up to $110 in bonuses each month.
https://hetq.am/hy/article/120010

A typical evening in Yerevan

https://youtu.be/Gn_i4SEJC1Y

Lydian miners hold a protest

Context: Environmental activists have blockaded the Amulsar hills so Lydian gold miner can't do mining, since 2018. The govt told the miner to fix several problems, but they can't, because the roads are blockaded.
 
Today Lydian workers held a protest in front of govt building, saying 2,000 miners are out of work and the COVID hasn't made it easier for them to find jobs.
"We respect the PM and aren't against him, but how long can we wait? We invested 500mln to create jobs, but they don't want to listen to us," said the miners, "everywhere we go they tell us to wait a few more months. If they want to close the mine, let the PM come out and say so directly, and present the legal reasons."
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193844

Mining transparency in Armenia

USAID is analyzing whether their 2017-present aid to Armenia was useful.
It noted that Armenia recently made a big improvement in the mining management and transparency field, backed up by EITI's high score.
USAID's ongoing aid will help journalists and civil society to better understand and examine mining processes.
https://armenpress.am/arm/news/1023507.html

Protests in front of Central Bank

Protesters want lower interest rates and more debt vacations. The protesters brought a symbolic luxury limousine and colored smoke canisters.
https://youtu.be/smJqHpOXhxU

Subsidies for lonely elder & ex-orphans

250 elderly live in special govt-funded housings. 74 live alone. The govt will subsidize the latter's gas, water, electricity bills.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193839
 
Update: an ex-orphan tried to kill himself 5 times after complaining about not receiving an apartment as other orphans did. He didn't qualify for legal reasons. Today the govt made an exception for 24 unqualified ex-orphans to give them apartments.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193846

Tax waivers to create jobs

The govt gave SharoSolar a tax waiver to build a solar farm in Aragatsotn. $3.5M investment, 46 temporary and permanent jobs, $310/mo salary.
 
A tax waiver for ex-HHK MP Lfik Samo's textile factory to invest $623K, which will create 30 new jobs with a $240/mo salary.
https://armenpress.am/arm/news/1023539.html

TUMO's mobile center in Berd

The government gave free land to education center TUMO to open a new "TUMO in a box" mobile center in Tavush's Berd city near the border.
 
TUMO says the new facility costs less, has lost of equipment, can provide classes to 320 kids annually.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193841 , https://youtu.be/PrMrn5Ruweo , https://hetq.am/hy/article/120015

Safer kindergartens

Gegharquniq's 4 kindergartens buildings are being rebuilt with seismic defenses and accommodations.
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=321303705677993

Soccer spoiler: Mkhitaryan's goal pass wins a ticket for Roma

Roma 3:2 Torino.
The victory allows Roma to secure 5th place in the national league, which gives them a ticket to the upcoming Europa League competition.
This was Heno's 6th goal pass, in addition to 9 goals.
Roma's last opponent in this national tournament is Juventus on August 1st.
Notable parts: https://youtu.be/OWRWom9y0mU
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193832

Solar energy instead of gas?

Govt members and an Organization discussed the work done around solar energy in Armenia.
3666 solar stations were installed in 2019. Simultaneously, work is being done to reduce electricity usage. They're discussing the idea of providing solar energy to settlements without a gas network.
https://armenpress.am/arm/news/1023593.html

Gndevanq will have a new tourist alley and zipline

A 1.7km plated alley will be built between Gndevanq village and a nearby church. The surrounding area will be renovated, and a zipline and a hotel will be built for tourists.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/193899

Turning ancient cities into tourism sights

Education Ministry plans to create two historical reserves: Capital Artsashat and Capital Dvin.
They will be on a 19ha land in Ararat province, near the remnants of the ancient cities.
Artashat was founded by king Artashes ~180 BC, while Dvin in the 4th century AD.
https://hetq.am/hy/article/119937

Net Neutrality proposed in Armenia / What do ISPs know about you?

The law allows ISPs to learn and save the pages you visit, timestamps, etc. There are suggestions to make 2 amendments to protect the data from falling into wrong hands.
 
A QP MP wants to give the Public Services Regulator the legal rights to require ISPs to purge any collected data that isn't necessary for providing the services or processing payments. "Don't store data you don't need."
 
Another amendment would establish "Net Neutrality" by prohibiting the ISP from prioritizing one type of transmission over another, unless it's technically necessary.
"If Net Neutrality is approved, it'll be a huge step forward and will prevent the rich from squeezing out the poor on the internet," believes expert Samvel Martirosyan.
 
The Parliament will discuss the proposals in September.
https://youtu.be/xEOP8gAaYZ0
 
You've read 1510 words.

Disclaimer & Terminology

1) The accused are innocent until proven guilty in the court of law, even if they sound guilty.
2) Currency in Armenian ֏ unless specified otherwise.
3) NSS/SIS/SOC = law enforcement agencies. QP = Civil Contract Party. LHK = Bright Armenia Party. BHK = Prosperous Armenia Party. HHK = Republican Party.
4) ARCHIVE of older posts by Idontknowmuch: PART 1 ; PART 2 ; PART 3 ; PART 4 ; PART 5.
5) ARCHIVE of older posts by Armeniapedia.

Hey there, wassup? :)
I'm writing this post because I'd just like to vent a bit and ask for some advice to more experienced fellow lesbians (or bi/queer folks, of course)!
Disclaimer: my writing is a bit off because I'm not a native, so.. sorry about that. :) and YES it is LONG, sorry about that, too. I'll put a tl;dr!
THE LONG VERSION of the short story:
A bit of random info about me: I'm a demi cis lesbian, I'm 22 and I live in Italy. I frequent open minded, mostly left-leaning people, so I have never had problems with being accepted.
About a month and a half ago, after having been on many dates, I deleted Tinder and I decided to move on with my life, as I do about every 3 months (lol). And then, one evening, randomly, the cutest girl appeared. I was seeing a friend of mine (C) and she asked if it was ok for her to take a friend of hers, and that's how I met her.
Clever, nice, quiet, the cutest smile and the prettiest green eyes. I started crushing hard. For various reasons, I haven't been able to meet her again until yesterday (pandemic, different schedules, the non-direct communication). In the meantime I lurked her Instagram stories in the shadows (and she did, too, hehe). And yes, I started using it just to do it nonchalantly. Ugh.
So. Yesterday I was out again with my friend C and some other people, and the plan was for her to meet up with us later. I also planned to ask her out.
Anyways, she arrived. LATE. And drunk as fuck, ordering another drink and shots for everyone. She sat near me while our friends went out to smoke a cigarette, and RANDOMLY STARTED TALKING about commitment issues and about the fact that she's been "seeing" someone (without much interest). What a great start.
My poor little gay heart. I heard a little crack. Lol
So she started apologizing for being so drunk and for randomly talking about personal things, and (in-between various drunk rants and ramblings about random topics) being like "well, tomorrow I won't probably remember shit and I'm so sorry for everything and I'm so embarrassed and here is another drunk rant about some other topic, and another, and another, ...". So I figured that I had nothing to lose at that point, and I told her "welp, since you say that tomorrow you won't remember shit I'll tell you that I'm sorry that you're seeing someone, because I wanted to ask you on a date".
She was IN SHOCK. Absolutely shocked by the fact that I wanted to ask HER out. Her drunk self started saying things like wtf, I'm not beautiful, like, are YOU asking ME out?!
Then she proceeded to BACKPEDAL SO HARD and SO FAST on the "seeing someone" thing (hence I say "without much interest"). By then, C was back. She was still in absolute drunk disbelief, so I asked C to tell her that I did want to ask her out that evening - that I was actually planning to. She was like, I'll write you on Sunday, wanna bet?
I don't make any kind of bets, deals, pacts or decisions with drunk people (and I'm a hardcore feminist, so alcohol and altered judgement of any kind are the line not to cross, for me, ever) and I just dropped it with nonchalance. We started talking about something else, and then I had to take a phone call.
By 3AM the bar was closing. It turns out that this drunk af girl didn't know how to make it home. It also turns out that she couldn't come with us (public transports weren't an option anymore, it was too late, and we had already decided to go to a friends' house to sleep) because her mother is apparently nuts, and her brother was nowhere to be found. We couldn't leave her there alone, obviously. So we had to convince her to eat something, walk a bit, and finally we managed to put her on a cab.
I say all of this because OF COURSE I wasn't expecting anything. UNEXPECTEDLY, this morning I found a text from her sober self that basically said "I don't remember much from last night and I'm super sorry for how I was, but I didn't forget that you wanted to ask me out? lol". So I said "welp, dw & the invite still stands" and she happily accepted it.
So. I never dated seriously a girl that I actually liked-liked. What do I do? Where do I take her?? How do you date seriously a girl?????? Any advice is precious.
This is going to be a disaster. Send help
THE TL;DR:
I'm a 22F demi lesbian and I like an amazing girl. Yesterday night, after a series of questionable events and dialogues, including her almost drunk-stumbling in the bar, drunk rants, backpedaling and more rants, today her sober self gladly accepted my invite to go on a date. I like her a lot (when she's sober in particular, lol). Like, a lot LOT. Now, the problem is. I don't know how to date a girl, I'm only good with guys (and I don't like guys, fuuuuuuck). The question: HOW AND WHAT, please, any advice is precious.
Thanks for reading my wall of text. Or the tl;dr. I really appreciate it!

This listing has every (demna era) vetements instapump and also yohji instapumps, in sizes 36-44.
There's also 1 cw I dont recognize which is the white pair with pink-ish lining.
Also if anyone knows where I can get the original graffiti (scribbled) instapump in a 45/46 I'd really appreciate it.
​
Here's the bonus:
Vetements x Reebok genetically modified pumps:
$51 gmp ("rocbok" lol goes to sz45 though)
weidian gmp (might go to sz45 also)
$85 gmp
$141 gmp
Also just to put it out there the all white and all black pairs don't have branding on the strap, so those would probably be more likely to be more 1:1.
and here's the bonus for the bonus (bet you weren't expecting that!)
vetementsshop's yupoo <- has very good looking GMPs and a pair of spike runners

Greetings!
I finally got to be a player after long time and my party has had a successful run so far, smuggling, bounty hunting and stealing. Somehow we managed to avoid the Imperials' sight and made contacts in major crime organizations like the Consortium and the Hutt Cartel. Recently, we came across an old CIS space station that we claimed for ourselves and is where we've been bringing back our winnings whether it be ships we captured or allied NPCs that needed a place to lay low for a bit.
One of the players is a gambler and we floated the idea of running a shadowport casino out of that base. I've done some racing during our campaign so I floated the idea of having some sort of starship race in the asteroid field the station is located in, where people could bet. We've thus far sunk a fair chunk of credits into this project using the Homestead/Base building rules.
Our issue however is that we're not sure how to handle the shadowport from both a narrative or mechanical standpoint. Strangely enough, there's precious little information about them. How do they become popular? What are the general rules aboard? What services could we provide? Should we be selling a product? One of the players wanted to run a Neutron Pixie operation out of it. What kind of defenses are required to remain independent? How much profit should it realistically make? How many people should we need to hire? How much do mercenaries cost to guard the place in our absence? We thought of maybe going to a Mandalorian clan for hire and offering them a job but then we realized we had no idea how much that would cost and we don't want to go under, either.
There's honestly more questions we would have, but we wouldn't know where to start. If someone could break it down for me, I'd appreciate it. If anyone has suggestions as to what we can make out of this shadowport, I also welcome them with open arms.
Edit: I should also add that we've accrued a fair amount of wealth in both credits and assets, and it's okay, our GM doesn't care about how strong that can make us. We earned those credits fairly and he was happy to let us have them. Can this near-limitless access to most equipment in the game pose a problem down the line? Possibly, but we're not trying to powergame and we trust each other not to purposefully break things. Figured I tossed that in there given the "Starve the players" thing that Edge of the Empire has going for it.

I used to watch him a lot and enjoy his content but lately I've found him a bit annoying.
One problem I have with him is that in his videos where he reacts to people, if their views are not in line with his views, he labels them as "stupid" and insults them for some trivial thing "I hate how they say this one word, it's a really weird way of saying that word." There is never any scientific evidence cited, he will sometimes say that something has been disproven, but where are the sources? I noticed on his twitter that he has to constantly be offended or angry about something and honestly? It was kind of exhausting. He is constantly offended by something and if there isn't anything he will bring something up.
Once every so often he will go and complain about people asking about his birthname, I understand it is not a great thing to do, but people are curious and when you pull their attention to something they don't know, they will ask. He will complain about people asking about his birthname, which will cause an influx and then he will complain about the influx.
Another problem I have is that he acts like an immature 16 year old online. I cannot say anything about his offline personality, but his online persona is obnoxious. I know he is living independently, but I know a lot of people who are younger, still live with their parents and act a lot more mature than he does. His general online persona is not that of a 20 year old, and if I did not know his age I would have a very hard time believing he is actually 20.
Yet another complaint I have is that he presents Double Incision (the procedure that he had) as the "only kind of top surgery that gibes you good results". Peri gives you "deflated tits" and it doesn't look cis enough, but I've seen amazing peri results (Scott Mosser for example).
His video on Depo Provera presented Depo Provera as a magical injection with side effects that don't affect a lot of people. If you look at Depo lots of people had weight gain (which he briefly touches on; but said it only affected a small percentage), but they also had extreme mood swings and even hair loss. The video isn't up anymore and I know he stopped, but he brushes over why he stopped (Apparently he was one of the very few who gained weight) and I feel that it was very irresponsible to recommend a medication without doing proper research.
You can tell that the social media thing is starting to fizzle out, there have been some instances where he put on his story that not many people were liking his posts so "make sure to like the next one", but he doesn't seem to have a back up plan if this doesn't work out. His constant "Stream my song, force everyone to listen to it" just seems a bit needy. If people like a song they will listen and stream it. Other people who I see in the music industry who have about the same following just say they've made a song once or twice and interact with their followers but don't actively tell them to listen to it.
He can play guitar and could make a career out of it, but I'm minoring in music and I know some people studying contemporary singing, and his voice doesn't have a genre range to be successful. Singing over a range of two notes and putting some filters over your voice will only get you so far.
I feel that a lot of these problems are due to being an influencer and I can understand being stressed having thousands of people watch your every move, but I feel he hasn't grown out of his personal fable due to being an influencer. I feel that he needs to take a break and look at a few aspects of his life.
I bet this will end up in a rant video and that I will be called stupid.

I'm so sick of these stupid cis bitches with 60 ng/dL ass testosterone levels hoarding all the anti androgens because they have "PCOS". What the hell skank? I bet those 3 chin hairs you got don't even give you crippling dysphoria. Back of the line! 😤👉

New user here. Posting from a phone, if this looks wonky. And apparently this has to be said sooo I do NOT consent to this being shared or reposted anywhere.
Not sure where to begin with this one... It's a LOT of backstory to get to this week but I don't know how to respond to this woman after all this.
Dated DH for two years + married for three. Became very close with MIL while we were dating. She could be a little much at times, but for the most part we got along really well. FIL was nice but is introverted and works 70+/hr weeks so I barely knew him while dating DH.
A few months after marrying DH, I get a job at FIL's company. This is when I get to know him, and I consider us very close.
About a year ago, DH and I are visiting with MIL while FIL is at work, and she tries to talk about something in the news but starts saying really horrible things. Like, hateful, racist, xenophobic, violent, classist, white supremacist, shocking things--like, let's talk about the kinds of people you should shoot from your window if you ever see them standing near your house. We both start arguing with her and don't understand where this even came from. FIL gets home just as DH has convinced MIL to drop it, and he just catches enough to find himself reminding her that his grandfather was an illegal immigrant.
Talking about it later, DH is in shock, says this is not how he was raised, etc. It's certainly nothing I ever saw coming in the slightest. He knows she's been depressed and spends a lot of time in bed watching YouTube and wonders if she was radicalized by the internet. I'm skeptical at the time, because I thought she was smart enough to not get recruited by white nationalists on the internet, but I guess all bets are off at this point.
We see her again a few days later and she once again starts a huge hateful rant. I bitch her tf out this time and she starts crying and that ends the visit. That night, DH yells at me for "making her cry." We get in a huge fight because 1) I would not have married someone who gives one shit about a white supremacist's feelings, so he better get his head out his ass, and 2) as you can guess, she is white, cis, straight, born/raised in America, Protestant, upper middle class, and all those things a "good"/"real" American is "supposed" to be, and I do not check all those boxes, so he doesn't need to be told that by saying all those things, she was attacking me/my family (not that it should have to be personal to be offensive and unacceptable...).
DH did go yell at her about it the next day, and she got so upset (depressed/hurt) she didn't speak to us for three months. FIL generally avoids conflict and MIL may or may not have enough self-awareness to act ashamed so either he knew why we stopped coming over and stayed out of it or she never told him what happened and he assumed we had shit going on and stayed out of it.
Finally we get invited to something at their house and when it's just me and MIL in the backyard (FIL and DH went inside for more beer or something) she starts ANOTHER rant and I stop her with "You know I'M (target inferior group)..." and she says, "No you're not. You don't count."
Wtf? Am I one of the "good ones"? Like, tell everyone who's ever treated me like shit or discriminated against me that I "don't count"... /s
That's when DH and FIL come back out, so she shuts up.
At home I tell DH what she said and finally he's as fed up as I am. I go NC and he goes LC.
A while later we go help FIL with yardwork. I agree to come because DH says she never leaves bed anymore. At one point FIL makes a joke to me (DH went inside) about some crazy shit she said and then says something like, "But seriously, idk what's gotten into (MIL). I think it's because she got a Twitter."
Of course my curious ass gets home and searches Twitter for her username from games she plays with DH and his younger siblings. Of course it's the same. And omg. It's just blatant racism, xenophobia, misogyny, Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, nationalism, and classism as far as the eye can see. The list of people she's following is the Who's Who of neo-N***s.
I show DH. He goes NC/VLC--responds to texts if it's relevant like mail for him at their house etc but that's pretty much it. I do not attend Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner that year because I don't break bread with N***s. We have a lot of fights because he does go, claims it's because he doesn't want to hurt his grandma's feelings, but I think he's just a coward who could've visited grandma literally any other weekend if that's his only excuse for entertaining MIL's disgusting new identity for even a second.
FIL eventually asks me at work when we're gonna stop by again. I have to assume at that point he has no idea, because he's not the type to play games. If he knew why we stopped visiting, he'd tell MIL to get her shit together and come to Jesus, and he wouldn't expect us to come be subjected to her bullshit in the meantime. I always give a wishy-washy answer when he asks because I don't want to talk shit about his wife to him but I also don't want him to think he did anything wrong. So we invited FIL over a few times when we bought a new house because his line of work gave us an excuse (need advice on remodelling).
DH is very sensitive about all of this. He still has no idea how tf his mother became this person seemingly overnight. He is embarrassed of her but also gets defensive when she comes up because he feels like she causes me to think less of his whole family (not true). So we never talk about her. I have some theories about where all this came from (her complicated childhood, mostly), but this is already too long, and it's not an excuse for her behavior anyway. I do wonder if maybe she was always secretly like this but kept it to herself because they live in a very tight-knit, VERY liberal neighborhood where the neighbors (including her "best friend" at the time) would've made her life hell if they found out who she was... which would also explain not raising DH with these views, because he was friends with all the neighbor kids, and kids repeat everything they hear... if 6-year-old DH had parroted words like her current ones in a neighbor's house, omg. But then why is FIL surprised about stuff she's said too? Well, whatever.
Then, yesterday, I get a text from MIL. It's been almost a year since we spoke whatsoever? Last time was "you don't count." She says she loves and misses me and that me being out of their lives is tearing the family apart. She says she doesn't know what she did but if I tell her, she will find a way to apologize.
Um, what? 1) Not sure who's being torn apart. DH and I are fine, SIL and I are fine, FIL and I seem fine, DH and SIL and FIL are fine... 2) How tf do you not know after I yelled at you twice to never say evil shit like that, DH yelled at you and reminded you that you're attacking his wife, I reminded you that you're attacking me/my family... But again, even if I was just like her in terms of cultural background, I still wouldn't associate with her ass for advocating straight-up violence against any human being she finds distasteful. 3) There's really nothing to apologize for. You can't just go "sorry I said all that racist (etc) shit" and have it be fine because it's not like I believe you magically stopped THINKING those things.
So I feel trapped here. I tried telling DH she texted but he got uncomfortable and immediately changed the subject. I'm afraid there's nothing I could honesty reply to her where he wouldn't get salty and think I was too harsh. I'm nervous that if after all this time she finally took it upon herself to text me, and if she honestly lacks the self-awareness to understand why I went NC, then she possibly already cried to FIL and mentioned texting me. I don't want FIL to think I'm too cruel / too much of a bitch to even text her back, and I also don't want to have to explain myself by trying to badmouth her to him...
So wtf do I do to just go back to being NC with my closet bigot MIL without giving her fuel to "prove" to anyone else in the family that I'm mean, dramatic, a bitch, or anything else? How do I keep the peace with DH and maintain a friendly relationship with FIL and still set a boundary with MIL? I can't ask DH to do it because he's too much of a people pleaser and has no spine when it comes to his family so his words would be way too watered down for what she deserves to hear.
UUGGGGHHHH
UPDATE: Thank you so much for the kindness and encouragement. Your advice helped me find the words I needed. I decided to text her back. Ohhh boy.
Me: "There is nothing to apologize for. I find it hard to believe that you do not remember the things you said to me the last few times we spoke. You expressed a desire to see X and Y get shot. I know that DH specifically asked you to stop telling me about how much you hate X. You continued to bring it up. The last time you tried to talk to me about X, I reminded you that I am X. Your exact words to me were "you don't count." Unfortunately, that's not for you to decide, so yes, I do. You don't get to take away a huge part of who I am so that you can ignore the fact that you disagree with my right to even exist. I am not ashamed of being X because I don't think white Americans are the master race. I am and will always be X, and you don't get to erase that to make yourself feel better about hating us. My family (faced these X-hardships for me). Yet you look at other X and say that someone literally needs to hurry up and come shoot them for you. Since there's no other difference between my family and those families, it tells me that the only reason I "don't count" is because I'm (her slightly preferred, "less inferior" subset of X), and that if I wasn't, you wouldn't care if I lived or died. You have said a lot of racist things in front of me and DH and we have tried to talk to you about them and I have tried to appeal to you as a Christian and you ignored me. My copy of the Bible tells about Joseph and Mary, the refugees fleeing violence. It talks about justice for the oppressed and about being judged on how we treat the least of these. The way you have spoken about X, Y, Z, and many others to me and DH on multiple occasions tells me you must have a different copy. I do not want an apology because it is pointless to say you are sorry about something if your heart has not changed. I have not heard anything to indicate that an apology from you would be sincere. If you still hate X, whether or not you want to admit it, I do not want to argue with you about whether my life, or anyone else's, is less valuable because of being X. Do not try to tell me that you do not think these things or that you did not say these things. You repeated them many times. DH asked you to stop and you dug in your heels. Even FIL walked in in the middle of one of your angry talks about X, Y, and Z and reminded you that his grandfather was an illegal immigrant who didn't even want to learn English. None of this seems to matter to you. If my black friends or my Jewish friends found out that I chose to associate with someone who says the things you have said, I would be ashamed of myself. Instead of offering to apologize, if you really mean what you are saying, you can ask yourself why the beliefs you chose to express are so important to you that you would rather lose part of your family than repent of the prejudice in your heart. If you are unwilling to do that, it is completely pointless to try to apologize to X, and we will have to agree to disagree about whether I am a human being."
Two hours later, she replies: "First of all, I was talking about (super dehumanizing slur for "extra-inferior" subset of X). You are not (slur X-), so you don't count."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
THAT'S your defense? I don't want ALL of you people murdered, just the ones I REALLY hate?
Me: "I am blocking your number now."
And I did, and it feels so good.
Went downstairs and told DH to keep his N*** mother tf away from me.

TW: Racism, Ablism, Homophobia, Slurs, CSA Etc. (All the phobias and the trauma they cause)
I get/see the question of how/why do minority groups become so immediately close with each other after meeting. Why can we tend to gravitate towards each other and not other groups?
“It’s not my fault all the Black Kids hung out and didn’t hang out with any of us white kids! It was like- like- reverse racism or something. How was I supposed to learn anything about race?”
“Why did compliment her? / Why did you say that? You don’t know her.”
“Why are all your friends gay?”
“How come their are so many groups for autistic people, people with PTSD etc? Can’t you just talk to your regular friends?”
Shared. Trauma.
Only survivors of the same kind of trauma truly get what it feels like to like go through it. Their the only ones who know how to properly support you through that trauma.
Others try- but even the most well meaning ally will never actually understand. And they will and do almost always say something unintentionally belittling or that makes light or incredibly real- incredibly serious trauma.
Maybe the Black kids at your school didn’t sit with the white kids because when they did they got comments like “can I touch your hair? Do you wash it? Is it real? How long does it take? Is your dad still around? Do you do drugs? Have you ever met a gang member? I want to be a cop when I get out of school.”
Maybe all my friends are gay because its the only way I can avoid hearing “f•ggot” wile playing video games together. The only way I can avoid watching the people around me tense up just a little when I talk about how in love or infatuated I am with a woman.
I complimented he made sure she was feeling safe because I know what it’s like being a woman in this world. Because I’ve been harassed and saved by a woman approaching me. And you bet your ass I’ll make sure every girl I meet feels a little safer with me around.
We gravitate towards each other because no one else will take us- no one else will treat us with respect- no one else understands or cares to really even try. No one else recognizes are trauma as real, valid, and how it plays apart in our current selves/lives.
It isnt “reverse racism.” It isn’t “excluding” you. It isn’t “oppressing” you.
All it means is you haven’t shared our trauma- and haven’t made the effort to understand and care for us. So why the hell would we want you around?
Your just a douche bag you thinks they have a right to our safe spaces and that we’re all just “too sensitive.”
Say that to the people who had their lovers die of aids. Say that to the people who marched with Martin Luther King JR and are having to march again. Say that to every dead “dangerous” autistic child’s parents. To every PTSD survivor.
Minority groups have lived through more pain than most people can comprehend.
They are surviving and making change.
None of these people are weak.
None of them “are too sensitive”
Or “snow flakes.”
Their are human beings who have been through TRAUMA
It you’re reading this and youre a concerned alley who read the line “even allys will belittle us” and got incredibly worried you may have done that to a friend, loved one or stranger In the past. Don’t worry- the majority of people can understand the difference between a good intentioned mistake, and something done in malice.
But it does still mean sometimes people will chose to go to and trust others w/ shared experiences rather than you. Not because your a bad person- or haven’t proven yourself as good ally or something...
Just simply because (thank god) you haven’t been subjected to the same kind of suffering and it’s a lot easier to surround ourselves with people like us.
I’m a CSA survivor- I can’t have regular friends at this point in my recovery. I’m to easily triggered, my friends are too unconsciously ableist, I can’t avoid daily panic attacks and bouts of intense obvious depression.
I learned the hard way- it doenst matter if you surround yourself with “good people” they don’t understand... even if they try- their human and they can’t. They get frustrated- want me to be “better.” Don’t understand why all their effort doesn’t make my depression go away... doesn’t make the flash backs stop. Why I can’t hear certain songs- can’t go certain places- be around certain people.
I’m a burden to them.
That is what I’ve come to understand the reason is we flock to each other. No one else is willing to shoulder the burden we were forced to bare... except other survivors who don’t want you to have to go through it alone.
Intersectionality tends to help with this... for example, my S/O isn’t a CSA survivor but they aren’t Neurotypical and have their own abuse and trauma from child hood they need to recover from. This makes us really good for each other- they understand my pain as best they can, and I understand theirs as best I can. We understand and respect the needs of one another and while they don’t know (thank god) what it’s like being a CSA survivor... and I don’t know (thank god) what it’s like to have gone through what they have- we have a mutual place of understanding to grow from.
another example of what im trying to depict: they recently found out they were not nuerotypical. Before then they stood behind and supported the need for more nuanced and generally just MORE representation in media. But didn’t understand why it mattered so much and so personally to people. The realization of their mental disorder, how media fucked up their path to even discovering it because it’s portrayls we’re so extreme and far from reality... how belittling the media’s portrayal was etc.
it lead them to- night or so later- say “I always new representation was important- but now I actually get why representation matters so much.”
So to all of us Allies out there whether youre a nuerotypical Black man, an Ingegenous cis person , a cis het white man, a white woman, a white transgender person, where ever you lie on the spectrum of oppression and privlidge... Allyship is not sometiing you are it is something you do. Every day. Always. Its a commitment to undo the harmful conditioning of our society- thank you.
Thank you for commiting to that work. To making those of us carrying our traumas feel like maybe some of the world does actually give a damn. That I wont “not be able to have normal friends”
Maybe some day people like me (CSA survivors) wont exist... but maybe one day people like my partner, can simply exist without have to explain their identity and reality to every one to be considered sort of “valid, or real.” depending on how much of their explination the able person chooses to accept.
Please keep working... please keep doing your research. Because i swear to god if one more person suggests i “find friends” to get out of my depression im going to lose my fucking mind.

(I posted this earlier but I think the post got rejected because of the title, so here we are again)
I made a vent on here a few days ago, and here I am again. Here's the original vent.
I still feel stuck. I'm in a place of not wanting to transition, but at the same time, wanting to. I want to be a guy, I want to have all the masculine things obtained through hrt, like facial hair, a deeper voice, etc. I still feel what I think is dysphoria in social settings, not feeling comfortable having any part of my chest visible, being bothered by how feminine my voice is, worried I'm too short, etc, but I feel like I'm not trans enough, or that if I transition I'm just going to detransition, since aren't those things afab cis people dislike about themselves as well? On my last post people presented me with good evidence on why some of my past beliefs are wrong, but everything that's thrown at me that's positive doesn't seem to stick. I've been trying to distance myself from all trans content, but today I allowed myself to watch a ContraPoints video (her most recent one, Cringe). In the video, she was talking about how what Kalvin Garrah does by bullying trans people who don't fit his standards is wrong, but it all went right over my head, and I still seem to agree with Kalvin, even though some of the things he says were the things that got me into this awful place of self doubt in the first place. What if he is doing the right thing by bullying these kids into not transitioning? He could be saving their lives and preventing them from detransition! But I know that's wrong. But my brain keeps telling me I'm correct. It feels like my brain is just fighting itself and try to push things down my throat. I've found myself dreaming multiple times about how I'm not trans, and how I shouldn't transition because I'll regret it. The other day I was watching a video (that had nothing to do with being trans) that featured a cis guy, and my brain told me, "He looks like a FtM detransitioner, I bet he'll detransition soon." That doesn't make any sense, he's cis! I can't tell the difference between anxiety over the thought of me not being trans with dysphoria anymore, which makes me worry I never had dysphoria in the first place. In the end, even though I want to be a guy and feel like I am one, I'm worried that I'm just a dysphoric cis girl. (I get really uncomfortable referring to myself as a girl for some reason, even in hypotheticals. That was stressful to type both times.) I'm not even really looking for advice this time around, just someone to console me and analyze what I said.
(Also, when typing the line "In the end, even though I want to be a guy and feel like I am one" I got super stressed as well, making me worry that I'm not trans. Sorry if this whole vent sounds amateur, not well put together, or childish as well.)

She swept in, broke up relationships right and left, and blazed out. I suspected even my girlfriend Cherry had a hack at her, though that seemed less important after she got Mike killed.
We found her in line at Taco Mucho, where six of us had gone to load up on greasy food before a party at Arcy's place. I don't remember who first spoke to her, or who invited her along, but I'm pretty sure she went home with Samuel and Madlyn that first night. Cherry, my girlfriend, kept half-jokingly grabbing my chin and saying, "I'm over here." But Cherry kept turning toward the new girl herself.
"Call me Greg," the strange girl said. Tray, who dumped Arcy when he found out she was bi, got that look on his face.
But Elaine, ever fearless, asked, "Are you trans?"
"Nah," Greg said easily. "Hundred percent cis-fem. It's short for an online name, Gregaria. It means—"
"We can guess," Elaine cut her off. But even Elaine warmed to her before Arcy's party broke up.
Greg was funny and sharp, but not mean and cutting. She treated everybody like a new best friend. She was a hugger and a cuddler, but she seemed to have a radar about how much touch was enough. Loelia hates being hugged, but Greg—without being warned—took her hand and kissed it instead. I thought Loelia would melt on the spot.
But a week later Madlyn ditched Samuel in a huge screaming fight in my kitchen, both of them yelling about Greg. Never mind that Greg had spent that evening cuddling with don't-crowd-me Loelia. In another week Loelia and Samuel were an item, and Madlyn was moving to Springdale, while Greg and David and Tonya (our one married couple) suddenly appeared inseparable.
Then Greg somehow made up with Madlyn, who came back to our gang with a new guy on her arm. Whoever broke up with whoever else, nobody stayed mad at Greg for long.
I never tried Greg myself; Cherry and I had been doing the monogamy thing for several months. Cherry's idea, though I took it more seriously than she did.
Only Elaine and I seemed to notice: Greg soaked into our group like butter into a hot waffle, but brought no friends of her own. Elaine asked her about it; Greg said she'd only been in town about a year, and hadn't happened onto a gang like ours.
What made Greg the woman that all eyes—and most arms—turned to? Her figure was okay, her face forgettable, her skin sallow, her hair a short lifeless brown mop; my Cherry was far prettier, much better built. But Greg had a spark that drew people: the campfire at the circle's center, the lead singer of the band, the sunflower bobbing above the dandelions.
One thing she flaunted: She was unusually limber. She only stood an inch or two over five feet, but she often greeted tall guys by kicking up one leg to hook her heel over their shoulder, then hugging them close. Her hugs always felt overheated, as though a fire burned under her skin.
She tried that leg-split on me, hugging me into her crotch; Cherry about had an aneurysm. But I just thought, She touched first, and, There's plenty of headroom—we were in Wendy's—so I cupped her ass and tossed her over my head. She was light as an empty paper bag; her hips were broad but actually bony under her jeans.
She landed balanced on my shoulders, her hands brushing the ceiling; from there she did an astonishing shake-and-shimmy routine that had even Cherry cheering her on. The assistant manager came out to fuss at us, but Greg hopped down lightly, gave him a peck on the cheek, and ran to the counter to order her usual dozen Baconator doubles with fries.
That was another thing: She drank less than most of us, but she ate like an army of orphans. Her dozen Baconators were a standard order; "I'd get Triples if I could fit 'em in my mouth." Any party she came to, she brought a bag of food: chips, snack cakes, nuts, cheese. She brought pounds of hamburger and bacon and bags of buns to every cookout.
And then she always ate at least half of it herself. Aside from broad hips she was skinny, her arms and legs nearly stick-like, but I never saw her go more than half an hour without eating. "I just burn it all off," she said. She drove Arcy, who needed to shed about fifty pounds, absolutely nuts with envy.
"That bony bitch must eat fifty thousand calories a day," Arcy stormed. I'm not sure how much she was exaggerating—if at all.
Tonya said Greg even ate in bed after sex. "Even during sex," Loelia's kid brother Mike added.
"Oh, that's gross," Lo said. "I don't need to know that."
"No, really," Mike said, blushing. "She keeps Golden Oreos on the bed!" Greg shrugged her bony white shoulders, grinning, and leaned on him. He was built low, dark, and stocky, and I had a sudden unwantedly clear image of the two of them in bed; they must have looked like a meatball screwing spaghetti.
Greg often picked up the food tab for everybody in our gang, never worrying about the cost. She had plenty of money, though she didn't work. "I'm under an NDA," she said. "As long as I keep my mouth shut, the checks come in."
"You only shut your mouth to chew," Elaine shot back. But Greg never talked about her past.
It was clever Elaine who first remarked that Greg's fast lifestyle seemed a little desperate. "She's really living the every day is your last thing, y'know?"
I thought back over the last month. Was Greg cheery and full of life, or was she running from something, feverish and frantic? "What, you think there's something wrong with her?"
"I bet it's something about that NDA," she said. "She's got some godawful secret and she can't stand it."
If Tim hadn't turned up, I might never have found out. He was a grad student, a tall lanky guy with close-cropped blond hair; some months back his workload had picked up and he'd dropped out of our fluid group. Now he reappeared at one of Arcy's steak-and-beer parties.
When Greg arrived, carrying about twenty pounds of ribeye and a bag of potatoes, she grabbed me and spun me around—hiding behind me, I realized later.
"That guy talking to Lo," she said. "Is his name Timothy?"
Flustered, I answered, "Huh? No, that's Tim. I mean, I guess his name's Timothy, but nobody calls him anything but Tim."
"Where'd he come from? Did Lo bring him?"
"He used to be around. He's in school."
"Still?" I was going to ask what she meant, but suddenly her eyes filled with tears. She shoved the two bags at me and said, "Take this shit. I've got to go." A minute or two later, she texted me: Please don't say anything to anyone.
So she had a history with Tim. I gave Arcy the steaks and made some excuse for Greg. Nobody paid attention except Mike, who'd been with Greg fairly steadily for weeks. He followed her out, not buying my lame excuse.
Nobody else noticed but sharp-eyed Elaine. She quietly asked me, "Greg got a problem with Tim?"
"Seems to. She asked me not to let the world know."
"Tim only came to the University about two years ago. That means about a year before Greg came to town. Do you remember where he was before that?"
"UA Fayetteville, I think."
"Fayetteville. Do you know Greg's last name?"
"I don't even know her real first name."
"You don't? It's Hannah." She edged away, tapping at her phone, before I could reply.
For some reason Cherry blamed me for Greg leaving early, and got furious when I said I couldn't talk about it. I lashed back at how she seemed way more concerned about Greg than someone in a monogamous relationship should, and she slapped me. I went home alone that night, hurt and pissed off, and didn't see any of our group for nearly two weeks.
Then Tonya and David, our married couple, showed up at my door to say that Keith, Madlyn's new guy, was having his twenty-fifth birthday party at the House of Hog, and I was by God going to be there. I was bored with sulking, so after only token resistance I let them drag me out.
Everybody was there. Cherry ran up and hugged me, apologizing for not calling and for slapping me. Elaine hooked my arm and said, "We need to talk later." And Greg, to my astonishment, was absolutely glued to Tim. Mike was being a sullen third wheel with Loelia and Samuel, his eyes often on Greg.
I did a head-bob toward Greg and Tim, and Cherry told me, "They've been together for a week. She's crazy about him." Cherry seemed a bit pissed; monogamy was more of a style choice for her than anything.
I couldn't talk to Elaine until after the party broke up and a bunch of us went to David and Tonya's house. "Greg's up to something," she said without preamble. "She's screwing him, but she hates his guts."
"That's stupid."
"Look at this." She showed me an article on her phone: UA Student Cleared of Rape Charge, the headline read; the date was nearly three years ago. "She accused him of raping her. Cops said she fabricated the whole thing, just harassing him. She left U of A. Three years later, she's banging his ass."
"Okay, she's nuts. What'm I supposed to do about it?" Elaine just threw up her hands and walked away.
I wasn't convinced enough by Cherry's apology to take her home.
I watched Greg at the next few gatherings. She'd practically given up physical contact with anyone besides Tim; Lo dubbed the pair "Gregothy". Her face was pale, and her cheeks flushed; she looked genuinely feverish. But her energy and appetite were unflagging.
"She seems fine to me," I told Elaine one Saturday in Tray's back yard.
"She's up to something, I'm telling you."
"Well, if she is, it's not anything to do with us."
But it was. That afternoon Mike, who still hung with us but always stayed across the room from "Gregothy," suddenly blew up.
"Why do you let him touch you?" he screamed at Greg. "I know what he did to you!"
Greg went whiter than ever. The fevered red of her cheeks looked painted on, like a wooden doll. "You don't know shit," she snapped at him.
"Yeah, I do! My sister's a prof at Fayetteville!"
"I didn't know that," Cherry said to me. "Jesus, Arkansas's a small state." I shushed her, apprehensive but not sure why.
"You said he raped you! He got you expelled when the cops didn't believe you!"
"That's not why I was expelled." Her voice was low and icy and bitter.
"And I didn't rape her," Tim put in. "I oughta kick your ass just for saying that." But I saw Greg shoot him a look of pure white hatred while he was focused on Mike, and pure startled fear shot through me. What the fuck? Was Elaine right?
But when Tim turned back to her, Greg did her leg-high hug and gave him a huge kiss, grinding her crotch against his thigh.
Mike really lost it then. He charged at them, knocking Tim aside, knocking Greg right down in the grass. "Don't touch her!" He swung wildly at Tim, landing one punch in the ribs that left the taller man gasping.
By now Tray, Keith, and I were moving in to separate them. Greg was yanking at Mike's arm—he never even noticed her—so I grabbed her around the waist and lifted her aside. Her skin was burning hot. She was even thinner than I remembered—she felt nearly weightless, but I put that down to my adrenalized state.
When I dropped her and turned back to the fight, Tray was lying on the ground; Mike had accidentally backswung an elbow into him. I threw my arms around Tim, about to punch at Mike. Instead he kicked Mike hard in the belly, then kicked my feet out from under me.
Tim broke my hold and delivered another vicious kick to Mike's gut. Mike fell, curled into a ball and groaning. Loelia shrieked; Elaine held her back.
Tim's ear was bleeding, and he hugged his ribs. He pushed through us toward the gate to the front yard, limping and muttering, Lo's profanity pursuing him. Greg followed quickly, throwing a look of inexplicable triumph over her shoulder. Somehow, in the last moments of the fight, she'd grabbed a plate of Polish sausages from the table; she'd already gulped down most of one. Moments later, we heard Tim's car roar away.
Keith helped Tray to his feet, then they both pulled Mike into a chair. Madlyn came out of the house with a wet towel, but he pushed her hand aside, lurched to his feet, and staggered toward the gate. Madlyn tried to follow, and he waved her back angrily. We let him walk away.
In the amazed babble that followed, none of us noticed we didn't hear Mike's car. Not until ten minutes later, when Madlyn and Keith were leaving, did her screams alert us Mike had collapsed by his car at Tray's curb.
He was barely breathing, his pulse weak and fluttering. Keith had already called 911; an ambulance hauled Mike away within minutes. Elaine followed, carrying the distraught Loelia after her brother.
About an hour later, Elaine called me. Mike had died of massive abdominal hemorrhage from one or both of Tim's kicks. "She set this up," she said. "I don't get why, but Greg wanted a fight." I made some confused noise, and she went on, "Maybe she wanted Mike to kick Tim's ass. Mike's a lot stronger. Was." She hung up abruptly, crying.
We caught a shit storm from the police. Even Loelia agreed that Mike had swung the first punches; Tim had defended himself. But Mike's blood-alcohol level was .06, not DWI level—but completely unjustifiable for someone still three months shy of twenty-one.
The cops ripped us several new assholes over letting someone underage drink with us, and for letting him out of our sight after such a severe beating. If Mike and Lo's parents hadn't intervened, Tray might have been charged with furnishing alcohol to a minor, even though Mike had already been drinking before he arrived.
Tim and Greg got their share of official grief. All Sunday and Monday they holed up in Tim's apartment, refusing to take any calls from us or answer the door.
But Tuesday afternoon, while Tim was at work, I stood at his door, texting Greg, Not leaving till we talk over and over. She texted back: Take me to wendys. Moments later, she opened the door and stepped out.
In only three days, she'd grown positively skeletal. Her hair hung lank and dead. I could see the bones in her forearms and around her sunken eyes. Her febrile cheeks flamed more brightly than ever, but her forehead and throat were white and dry.
At Wendy's, mostly empty in mid-afternoon, the counter guy didn't even wait for her to order. A bag of Baconators with fries was on the counter in minutes. She took the bag and me to a table by the front window. Handing me one burger out of the dozen, she started taking huge bites, talking as she chewed.
"Doesn't matter any more," she began. "Fucker deserved it." More huge bites. "Not Mike. Timothy."
"Did he really rape you?"
"Ruined my life. Fucking murdered me. All I have left is their goddamn checks, and those stop if I say anything. I could go to federal prison for talking to you."
"Then—"
"Doesn't matter any more," she repeated. "It's done. I finally gave it to Timothy."
She'd been a low-level flunky in a research program, she told me, something the Department of Defense funded. She'd been doing basic lab work on human subjects: blood tests, metabolism and weight measurements, and so on, without any real knowledge of the project's goals. She'd met Tim there. They'd dated twice, then she'd turned down any repeats. He'd taken it badly.
She didn't understand details, but her computer records developed problems: data corrupted, strange files appearing. She'd run antivirus sweeps and found nothing. But the program director threatened to "drop me if I kept screwing up."
Tim had offered to fix her computer, but once in her dorm room he'd assaulted and raped her. When she called the police that night, Tim claimed she'd been harassing him, and revealed a series of emails sent from her university account. She'd never sent the emails.
She handed her laptop to DoD experts to prove the emails were sent from somewhere else. Instead they found hacking tools and evidence she'd violated the project's security protocols. In her room they found stolen project materials, including top-secret drug compounds.
Threatened with expulsion and prosecution, she'd blamed Tim for hacking her computer and planting evidence in her room. "He must have been screwing with my laptop the whole time," she told me.
Then she'd collapsed during an interrogation—and the DoD slapped her in quarantine. Tests showed she'd been contaminated with something. The DoD refused to say what; they didn't prosecute, but warned her she'd go to prison if she told anybody. They gave her a lifetime "disability pension."
"Fucker poisoned me, somehow. He must have put the shit in my room even before he raped me."
"So why are you telling me now?"
"Because it's gonna kill me. Whatever Timothy exposed me to, it's burning me up inside. I think it was some sort of metabolic enhancer, maybe supposed to make soldiers faster and stronger, Captain America shit; all it really does is make me eat forty times a day. If I don't eat, it burns me up." She was already on her eighth Baconator. "I wake up every couple of hours, all night long, every night, starving to death, burning up. I've got about fifty pounds of Oreos in my room right now."
"Jesus." It sounded absolutely crazy, but I'd never seen anybody eat the way she did. Yet she looked absolutely ravaged, like the last stages of unsuccessful chemotherapy.
"And it's contagious," she said. "After I got expelled, I went to North Little Rock, and a guy I dated there got the same thing. But he couldn't eat as much as I did, and he was a really heavy sleeper. One night he caught fire in bed. Burned right up; nearly burned me up too."
At that point I was ready to call bullshit on her. "You said Tim poisoned you before he raped you. Why didn't he catch it from you then?"
"Fucker used a condom. Rapists all use condoms these days. No DNA evidence." She shook her head. "Been trying to get him in bed for weeks, now. He loved having me kissing up to him, doesn't know I'm sick—I even told him I've got an IUD now. But he wouldn't fuck me. Three years ago he raped me; last week I couldn't give it to him." She smiled slowly, a dark, frightening smile. "But kicking Mike to death got him all hot. We spent all weekend in bed—unwrapped."
I'd taken two bites of my burger before her story stole my appetite. Now she picked it up and finished it off.
"I made sure Samuel and David and Mike always used a condom," she said. Her eyes suddenly filled. "Not that it saved Mike."
"What about Tim?"
"He ate two pounds of spaghetti and two boxes of my Ding-Dongs last night, and woke up starving at four. He took three more boxes of Ding-Dongs to work. He's fucking got it."
"So what now?"
"Now I wait for him to burn." She stood up. "Keep away from us. He's just getting what he deserves." Before she left, she stopped at the counter for another bag of Baconators.
I didn't know what to make of Greg's story. But that night I dreamed I found a metal handle on my chest. It opened into a furnace glowing orange, its hot blast roaring up my throat like a chimney. I poured in water; it glowed hotter. To appease it, to cool it, I fed fuel into my chest: shoes, books, my phone, dirty laundry. If I could feed it quickly enough, I knew, the furnace blaze would die.
I threw in giant hamburgers I found in my sock drawer, then the drawer itself, then my other drawers. Crying, I threw in Bart, the cat we'd had when I was twelve. I pulled up thousands of flowers from the yard; the furnace cooled but wouldn't die. Heat poured up my throat, burning my mouth and my brain, tasting of crocuses and chili powder.
Cherry sat on the couch, watching Frozen for the hundredth time. Desperate, sobbing with fear, I pulled her feet-first toward my chest. In the way of dreams, she shrank to fit the small hatch. I watched her burn, feet to shoulders like a softly-screaming cigarette.
At last I shoved in her head and neck, still screaming quietly, and slammed the hatch. I gulped down a glass of cold water, but it felt like flames in my throat, and tasted of Cherry.
I woke with my throat still afire, tasting of the chili Cherry had cooked for last night's supper—my worst attack of acid reflux in years. Shuddering, my face wet, I stroked Cherry's hair softly, hardly believing she was here. It was the first time she'd stayed the night since she slapped me; we'd done nothing but cuddle together.
Somewhere between Wendy's and now, I'd come to believe at least part of Greg's story: She was burning up from some Department of Defense magic formula. But I couldn't tell Cherry about it; she'd never believe a word. I needed to talk to Elaine.
Elaine's the only one I trust with my phone's location; even Cherry and I aren't linked (and she doesn't know Elaine and I are). Now I saw Elaine was apparently having breakfast at the Waffle House by the university, an unusual choice.
I dressed quietly. Cherry grumbled when I kissed her goodbye; she had an afternoon shift and wouldn't get up until eleven.
Crossing town, I texted Elaine I'd meet her for breakfast. My phone chimed an answer; I didn't look, busy navigating the scramble by the lake. (Some day the city council will admit these "historic" old houses aren't as important as a decent cross-town thoroughfare.)
Only after I pulled into Waffle House did I see that Elaine had sent back, FFS NO STAY AWAY. People huddled behind cars, phones aimed at the big windows. "Oh, shit," I said, and drove up on the sidewalk.
As I trotted toward the door, a guy in an apron grabbed my coat sleeve. "Don't go in, man." I heard sirens; a flashing Argenta PD car turned off Holly toward us. I shook off the cook and jerked open the door.
"See you got my message," Elaine called dryly, sitting cross-legged atop the counter. "Nice of you to drop by."
"Elaine, what the fuck?"
She jerked her head toward the grill. "Ask her."
Nervously I peeked over the counter. Several slices of bacon curled on the grill, black and smoking. Greg sat on the floor, holding a small, hefty-looking revolver. It was aimed at Tim, who leaned against the shelves beneath the register, surrounded by reeking puddles of vomit.
"Hey, dude," Greg said. "Come to see the fun?" Her face was hollow, her voice weak. Her skin flushed red, then paled, then flushed again. Clumps of her hair had fallen out around her.
I looked from her to Elaine. "Somebody's having fun?"
Tim coughed. "Screw the jokes—get that gun away from her!"
She casually raised it to point at Elaine, who hardly flinched. "Nobody's taking my gun."
I spoke slowly. "You won't shoot her." The twisting of my gut said I wasn't so sure.
"Yeah, she will," Elaine said. "But nobody's gonna take a chance on me getting hurt, so she won't have to." She spoke steadily, but her hand shook where it fiddled with a salt shaker. "And I'm not gonna leave till she's safe."
"Dead's pretty safe," Tim pointed out. He coughed again, retching up brown bile.
I realized he was as pale as Greg, with the same feverish color in his cheeks. And though long sleeves covered his arms, his neck and hands looked thin. "Jesus, it's true," I said.
"Yeah, Greg told me she'd told you," Elaine said. "I asked her to meet me for breakfast; I didn't know she'd bring a gun. And him."
"Why aren't you eating?" I asked Tim. "You're in a fucking restaurant!"
"Can't keep anything down," he groaned. He glared at Greg. "I don't get how she can eat the way she does. I ate two waffles, and threw 'em back up. I ate a steak, and it came up, too."
Greg nodded. "That's what happened to my boyfriend in North Little Rock."
"What's happening to you?" I asked.
"Exothermic reaction," Tim said. "Metabolism's screwed up, an artificial chemical reaction. But it makes too much heat, you gotta dilute it with ordinary blood sugars and shit. And I can't eat enough."
"From what I saw happen to Eric," Greg remarked, "I figure Timothy's got maybe ten minutes, maybe half an hour before he catches fire." She shrugged. "I can keep the cops talking that long." Her free hand snaked behind her, returned holding a metal pitcher, the kind the cooks kept waffle batter in. She raised it to her lips and drank deeply, gulping down maybe a pint of raw batter. "After that I don't care." Drips of dried batter spotted her T-shirt and crusted the ends of her lank hair.
In the two or three minutes since I came in, two cop cars had pulled up; officers were talking to people outside. Now one of them cautiously approached the door. "Remember," Elaine said to me. "I'm too scared to try to escape." She slid to the lower inside counter where the waitresses poured drinks and assembled orders. At that height, the morning sunlight made her squint and struck red lights from her dark hair. She still acted calm, but I caught the glint of tears.
I told the cop a girl had a gun on two of my friends. He ordered me outside. "Shit, no!" I told him. "I'm staying with Elaine; anyway"—I pointed to Greg out of his sight—"she trusts me to talk to." I climbed up to sit where Elaine had.
The sun slanted in the windows, glared blindingly off the polished tables. Starting to sweat, I pulled off my coat and tossed it over the jukebox.
"I wanna talk to my mama!" Greg suddenly shouted, her voice rasping. "Get me a phone! Get Mama on the phone!" She shouted a name. "She's in Little Rock! I wanna talk to her!"
The cop backed out, assuring me that negotiators were on the way. "Get Mama!" Greg shouted again. He vanished, obviously rattled. Greg laughed hoarsely. "Oughta take half an hour or so before they figure out she's dead."
Tim screamed, "You crazy bitch! Why don't you just shoot me?"
She gave him the deadest look I'd ever seen. "Cause I want you to burn. I like watching you sit there so scared you're pissing your pants." He had; I smelled more than vomit and waffle batter and burnt bacon. "You won't even come at me. If you grabbed at the gun I'd have to shoot you, but you're too scared even for that, even to get it over with."
She looked up at me. "I don't need the gun, not really. He's gonna burn anyway; he can't eat enough. But I want to watch; I don't want him stuck in quarantine where I can't see it."
The cop had come back to the door, to ask for my phone number, clearly ashamed he hadn't thought of it before. I felt bad for him; I doubt there've been three hostage crises in this town in his lifetime.
For a little while nothing happened except for Greg eating a stack of untoasted bread and Tim moaning about how hungry he was. She shoved the batter pitcher toward him; he took a few gulps, then twisted sideways to retch it up on the floor. Greg grinned, her cheeks hollow.
He looked at me. "I'm burning up, man," he groaned. "Gimme something to drink, for Chrissake."
A pitcher of ice water sat behind Elaine on the waitress counter. I reached for it, and Greg pointed her gun at me. "Don't you." I learned there was a whole new level of fear between seeing the revolver pointed at Elaine and seeing it aimed at me. I could die here, in this smelly kitchen, hot sun on my dangling legs.
I leaned back, my hands raised. Greg, satisfied, buttskooched sideways to a glass-fronted refrigerator, where she took out a jug of milk and a tub of blueberries. She chugged half a gallon of milk, then started eating blueberries by the fistful.
When my phone rang, I nearly fell off the counter in panic. It was the cop outside, telling me a negotiator was on the way. I barked at him not to bug me till he had real news.
"Hey!" Greg glared at Tim, whose eyes had half-closed. "Don't you pass out on me!" She threw blueberries at him; they left purple stains on his cheek, in his blond crewcut.
He looked at the scattered berries, then picked one up and flipped it toward Elaine. "Night Howlers!" he screeched, then started dizzily singing.
Elaine stared. "What the—"
I realized he was butchering Shakira's song, "Try Everything", from Zootopia. I'd never seen someone delirious from fever, but there was no mistake: Tim was raving. Greg threw another handful of berries, but he didn't notice, his eyes rolling up toward the sun dazzles on the ceiling tiles.
"No! Timothy!" Greg shouted. She kicked him, threw the whole tub of blueberries. "You sonofabitch! You fucker! Wake up! I'm killing you, you sonofabitch; don't you ignore me! Don't you fucking pass out! Timothy!"
He slid onto his side, then his back, lying in his own vomit, unfocused eyes darting back and forth across the ceiling. His skin was turning red, like a fresh sunburn. His lanky frame seemed swollen, as if his muscles were inflating.
"No, fuck no!" Greg grabbed the water pitcher she'd threatened to shoot me over, and poured it directly on his face—not all at once, but slowly enough I could see his skin pale as the ice water bathed it. "Timothy! Wake up!"
For a moment, she must have cooled his brain. His eyes focused. "Greg?" he said, in a tone of complete mystification. "Zat you?" Then his eyes rolled back and he began to moan and cry out wordlessly. Vomit gurgled from his mouth.
His blood-flushed hands bulged like he wore padded gloves. His sleeves and jeans legs stretched taut as sausages. His abdomen began to balloon, and suddenly I saw steam jetting from his mouth and nose. A moment later, the crotch of his jeans began to steam as well. His bladder must be boiling; I had a sudden, awful image of his dick screaming like a steamboat whistle.
Greg was slapping his face, still yelling for him to wake up. I grabbed Elaine's wrist and launched myself backward off the counter, toward the entrance. Elaine and I tumbled to the floor; I heard her shriek of pain as her arm broke against the jukebox.
But I've got no reason for regret: An instant later, with the bang of an overinflated basketball and the low whapping sound of a heavy bedspread being shaken, fire erupted over the counter. Greg's yells broke off; she stood up, her head covered in liquid fire, her hands swiping madly at her face.
Flames gushed higher, surrounding her; she toppled backward, out of sight. Droplets of fiery liquid fell around me and Elaine, spattering the floor between us and the exit. Contagious! I thought, panicky. I scrambled up, dragging Elaine by the hand; she continued to shriek as I pulled her down the row of booths toward the end windows. Greasy black smoke billowed after us.
The air was already becoming unbreathable, superheated and foul. I saw bundles of paper napkins burning on the shelves. Greg stood again, staggering blindly; over the counter I could see her flaming from head to waist. Her feet slipped and she went down, blazing arms flailing. I never saw any part of Tim, thank God, except flying gobbets of fire.
Another napalm-like burst threw flaming droplets into Elaine's hair; I dropped her to grab glasses of orange juice and cups of cool coffee off nearby tables, drenching anywhere fire touched her. I bent and grabbed her under the armpits; window glass shattered around me as I pulled her up, still screaming in pain. (I learned the next day that one of the cops outside took a panicked shot at me, thinking I was attacking her.) With the inflow of fresh air, the fire roared higher.
At the end of the row of tables, I grabbed a syrup pitcher and hurled it at a window; plastic, it bounced back. I tried again with a coffee cup and a couple of plates, then finally shattered the glass with someone's abandoned iPhone thrown edgeways like a ninja star. Two cops, catching on, met me outside the window; we were able to get Elaine out over the broken jags of glass. I clambered out myself, coughing and seeing black spots, to collapse into the gentle arms of paramedics.
Elaine and I both said as little as possible to the cops, either about Greg's "infection" or her botched vengeance on Tim. I've got no idea what sort of "incubation" period there might be, but I don't think either of us was exposed enough to catch it. But men in black suits will hear about Greg's fiery death, and come to question us.
I want to get this out there before we disappear into quarantine, something even our friends wouldn't find remarkable in the current COVID panic.
I don't know how long I have. In a TV show, the black SUVs would've shown up ahead of the fire trucks; in real life, the government can't track persons of interest that closely. I figure they probably monitored Greg's email and Facebook by computer, a live human checking on her every few months. But death by fire will get their attention.
Elaine should be writing this; even stoned on painkillers she's smarter. But not only did I break her arm, I sprained her other wrist yanking her around. She can't type for a week at least, and I don't think we've got that long.
Maybe it's the whole brush-with-death thing, maybe it's our shared secrets; shit, maybe it's just being the two smartest people in the gang, but Elaine and I are closer than ever. I want to see if we can make a go as a couple.
But I can't break up with Cherry right now, despite my suspicions about her lack of fidelity. She's been staying with me as I recover from the fire, sleeping on the couch because I cough so much. It wouldn't be fair to break up, not until I know for sure about her.
See, last night I woke up around one o'clock, to hear Cherry banging around the kitchen. I staggered out there to find her scrambling a ton of eggs. She gave me an apologetic hug; her skin was burning hot, feverish. Her cheekbones stood out like knives. "I didn't mean to bother you," she said, "but I woke up starving."
DTS