Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.
PREVIOUSLY:

• Observer Rewind - 1987 by SaintRidley
  
• The Complete Wrestling Observer Rewind 1991-2001
  

1-7-2002	1-14-2002	1-21-2002	1-28-2002
2-4-2002	2-11-2002	2-18-2002	2-25-2002
3-4-2002	3-11-2002	3-18-2002	3-25-2002
4-1-2002	4-8-2002	4-15-2002	4-22-2002
4-29-2002	5-6-2002	5-13-2002	5-20-2002
5-27-2002	6-3-2002	6-10-2002	6-17-2002
6-24-2002	7-1-2002	7-8-2002	7-15-2002

• WWE hit the reset button again with a new storyline assigning general managers to each brand, and it featured the shocking debut of Eric Bischoff. The new storyline will have Bischoff as the heel GM of Raw, while Stephanie McMahon will be the babyface GM of Smackdown, while Vince McMahon will take more of a backseat role and reduce his TV presence. Of course, just 5 weeks ago, Vince panicked and blew up the existing "feuding GMs" storyline between himself and Ric Flair, so now we're re-starting it with new people I guess. It feels like a last-ditch effort to save the brand extension, which has been an utter flop since day one, with no effort to differentiate the shows and only resulting in diluting the talent and falling ratings.
  
• Bischoff and McMahon struck a secret deal about 10 days prior to his debut. Bischoff had talks with WWE last year about coming in during the original Invasion angle, except they only wanted him to do a one-off match with Vince for the PPV (which Vince would obviously have won), but Bischoff turned down that offer. But this time, they agreed to a more long-term deal. Bischoff didn't know he was going to debut on Raw until just a day or two prior, when Vince called him and told him to be there. The whole thing was kept secret and almost no one other than Vince himself knew about it. This is believed to be a unique contract, in which it's a short-term deal with the option to renew it for longer-term if the angle gets over. His only role is as a television character, it's strictly a performance contract. Bischoff is not going to be a part of management or creative.
  
• When Bischoff walked across the screen in the backstage segment, almost everyone in the company was just as shocked as the viewers at home. Bischoff's debut saw him come out and hug Vince, which Dave thinks about is the dumbest possible way to introduce him. Sure, the Invasion angle is over but WCW's corpse isn't completely cold yet. It's only been a year or so. There is probably still plenty of money to be made in Bischoff as an outsider trying to destroy Vince McMahon and the WWE. But as always, that would involve Vince allowing himself or WWE to look vulnerable against an "outsider" and his utter refusal to do that is a big part of what tanked the Invasion. But that's par for the course. Bischoff cut a promo, giving the fake "WWE version" of the Monday Night Wars history (Dave points out multiple inaccuracies that WWE still clings on today, such as claiming they stole Hulk Hogan from WWF. Of course, Hulk had been in NJPW and hadn't worked for WWF for nearly a year at the time WCW signed him. Things like that.). Dave thinks it became one of those promos full of old stuff or inside references where so much of it is about things that the average fan doesn't know or care about. Dave thinks most of this audience in 2002 isn't familiar with Alundra Blayze, they don't know Raw used to be taped instead of live, and they don't care about 83-week TV ratings streaks (Dave also notes that Bischoff said 84 on this show, which is incorrect). And once again, it became one of those promos talking about how much WWE sucks lately, which is something you don't want to keep pointing out to the fans who are still watching because you just make them feel dumb for supporting something that even the people producing it knows sucks. Shit like that is partly what drove off WCW fans. Bischoff also gloated about almost putting WWE out of business, and to the many guys in the locker room who remember that vividly, it wasn't a joke or a storyline. Those are guys who really were fighting for their job against a guy who really was trying to put them out of business. Bischoff has tremendous heat from the locker room, with a lot of people who worked for him in WCW or who resent him from the WWE side....they don't want Bischoff there.
  

WATCH: Eric Bischoff debuts in on WWE Raw - 2002

• This angle was going to take place regardless, but it's thought that the injury to Kevin Nash may have moved things up a couple of weeks because Vince once again panicked when his plans went down in flames. Nash had surgery last week. Because of the location of the tear, it's not quite as serious as the tear Triple H suffered last year. But Nash is also 10 years older. However, he has vowed to return, noting he doesn't want his career to end like that. With his age and his track record of injuries (this is his 22nd surgery, dating back to his collegiate basketball days), Dave isn't sure how much Nash will be able to offer if/when he returns next year. Also, while nobody wanted Nash to get hurt, the mood in the locker room was said to be much happier this week without him around, as the whole Nash/X-Pac/Shawn/Triple H group isn't very well liked these days (the more things change...)
  
• Speaking of X-Pac, a weird situation with him this week led to him being suspended by WWE. The day of the Raw when Nash tore his quad, X-Pac missed his flight to the show. Why? Well, he was hospitalized earlier that day in Minneapolis. Again, you ask, why? No idea. Sounds like X-Pac sure would like to know also. He called WWE saying he was in the emergency room and had no idea how he got there. He left the ER and made new travel arrangements and he got to Raw 90 minutes before the show started. And then he went out there that night and worked his match (and Dave says looked more impressive than he had in a long time). However, after the match, he still couldn't explain to WWE officials how or why he was in the hospital earlier that day and so they were naturally suspicious. As a result, X-Pac has been suspended and removed from all upcoming bookings until they get a medical report on what the deal is. Dave says X-Pac has been acting out of control for weeks now and it's been well-documented (threatening to quit if match finishes weren't changed week after week). The feeling backstage was that as long as Nash was around to go to bat for him, he was basically protected, but no longer. With Hall fired, Nash out for probably a year, X-Pac suspended, and Hogan a babyface, the feeling within the company is that the NWO angle is dead. Shawn Michaels is still expected to appear at upcoming house shows and Raws in some new role, since much of the advertising for those shows was based around him appearing, but this is probably the end of the road for the NWO. (This kinda flew under the radar, but yeah, X-Pac never wrestled another match in WWE. The match where Nash tore his quad remains to this day the last time X-Pac ever worked a match in a WWE ring. He gets released soon after this and we all know in retrospect that he was dealing with some drug issues throughout this time).
  
• Dave provides some details on Vince Russo's first (and only) creative meeting when he was briefly rehired by WWE last month. Russo apparently proposed a Raw vs. Smackdown feud that would eventually lead to reviving one of them as WCW and reigniting the WCW vs. WWE war. This time, they would have Eric Bischoff leading the WCW side, while Russo suggested Mick Foley as the leader of the WWE side. It was pretty much made clear to Russo during the meeting that if they were to do a Raw vs. Smackdown angle, it would be Stephanie in charge of the WWE side, not Foley, and sure enough, that's what is expected to happen (but without the whole WCW-revival part). Russo's idea was pretty much a combination of the 2001 Invasion angle and the 2000 WCW Bischoff/Russo angle. Dave notes that Russo wanted to essentially start from scratch again, strip everyone of their belts the way they did in 2000, and bring in Bret Hart and Goldberg to be involved as well.
  
• A big recap of UFC's debut show in England, which featured rising star Frank Mir getting beat in what should have been an upset, but word is Mir didn't take the fight seriously and barely trained. As a result, he got murked in the first round. Also, while in England, some people in Tito Ortiz's camp got into a big drunken bar brawl with fellow fighter Lee Murray. Chuck Liddell was somewhere involved too. Anyway, long story short, some people tell the story that Murray knocked Ortiz out. Ortiz denies it (to this day, this is a famous MMA story and both men tell different versions, so depending on who you believe I guess).
  
• TNA's 4th show ended with a strong angle that actually got them some national publicity. It involved Tennessee Titans players Frank Miller and Zach Piller hopping the rail and attacking Jeff Jarrett and some other wrestlers, resulting in a big brawl to end the show. So how much of it was real or shoot? Well, Russo is involved, so who knows. The official story is that Jarrett and Piller were supposed to shove each other from across the rail, but that's it. From NFL sources, Dave has actually heard the same thing. It was supposed to stop at a shoving confrontation, and then Malice would come pull Jarrett away. That was the story as Russo allegedly wrote it. But reportedly, Piller had been drinking and he ended up hopping the rail and straight up overpowered Jarrett like it was nothing and took him down. Whether this was a shoot or a work is still unknown, but it ended up getting them coverage on SportsCenter and Dave says it's possible it was a work that only a few people were in on. If it was a work, nobody else was in on it. Ron Harris, who works backstage, almost rushed to the ring to save Jarrett and Malice (who wasn't supposed to touch the football players) got involved and broke it up quickly. After the show, the players were backstage laughing and joking with Jarrett and Miller has been openly telling people it was all planned and they were told to make it look as real as possible, but it's still unknown if jumping the rail and tackling Jarrett was part of the plan or not. Several other Titans players were at ringside with them and saw it unfold, but mostly didn't get involved. So now after the publicity, TNA is trying to see if they can make a match out of this. Either way, it's starting to feel like an elaborate work that none of the rest of the roster was clued in on, which is exactly the kind of shit Russo used to do constantly in WCW that soured morale among the locker room, and for this to happen on Russo's first night in, with an angle he wrote, sure feels a little familiar.
  

WATCH: Tennessee Titans/TNA brawl

• Puerto Rico's IWA had its most successful show in company history, drawing more than 11,000 fans (without a single WWE name on the card) to see the payoff of an angle with Savio Vega fighting for control of the company. WHO SAID SAVIO AIN'T A DRAW?!
  
• On the other side of things, WWC has postponed its anniversary show from August to September in order to give themselves more time to build up big angles and storylines. Seems like something they probably should have been planning earlier? IWA has become the dominant promotion in Puerto Rico and WWC felt they didn't have the build-up necessary to do a big-money show right now. Especially after this IWA show did such big business, anything less would be an embarrassment.
  
• Bischoff's debut on Raw was a pretty big hit. How big, you ask? During Bischoff's in-ring promo after his debut, Raw added nearly 1.1 million new viewers from the previous segment. Meaning that as soon as Bischoff walked across the screen backstage, tons of wrestling fans started calling their friends telling them, "Holy shit, Eric Bischoff is on Raw, turn it on!" The bad news is that as soon as Bischoff's promo was over, a lot of them tuned right back out, leading to a huge drop-off for the rest of the show. On the flip side, this week's Smackdown, featuring the heavily-hyped return of The Rock ended up being the 7th lowest rated episode of the show in history (4th if you don't count holidays). Rock's not a draw, bet he won't even be in the business in a couple more years.
  
• Kenta Kobashi is finally back in the ring, wrestling undercard prelim tag matches for NOAH. Even though he's in tags and doing limited in-ring work, his knees are said to be already killing him and one of them totally locked up on him after one of his recent matches. But he still hasn't missed any dates.
  
• NJPW announced that Kensuke Sasaki will face Pancrase star Minoru Suzuki at the Tokyo Dome in October. This match was actually planned for the big Tokyo Dome show back in May, but negotiations fell apart because Pancrase didn't like the idea of Suzuki doing a worked pro-wrestling match. Suzuki started his career in NJPW back in 1988 and was being groomed to be a big star for the company, but he quit and joined UWF because he preferred to work shoot-style matches. In 1993, he and a few other guys all started Pancrase, which he's been doing ever since. These days, Suzuki's days of fighting for them at a top level are over and he usually only competes against nobodies or in catch wrestling (grappling and submission only, no striking). Anyway, for those curious, this didn't happen. Not sure why yet, I haven't gotten that far, but Suzuki doesn't return to NJPW until 2003.
  
• Goldberg is said to be leaning very much against going to WWE anytime soon and is instead eyeing his options of working big shows in Japan. He's contemplating an offer to make an appearance at Toryumon's show in Tokyo in September, but only an appearance. He doesn't plan to wrestle until later in the year (don't think the Toryumon appearance happens, but he does end up working a few matches in Japan here soon).
  
• Bret Hart is still hoping to make his scheduled appearance for Jacques Rougeau's upcoming indie show in Montreal. If you recall, Rougeau's big show there last year drew over 11,000 fans and he's got himself another big stadium to fill this year and Bret was expected to be the biggest draw. Whether he'll be healthy enough to make the show, following his recent stroke, remains to be seen but he's determined to try. As of this week, Hart is able to lift his left arm over his head. Just a week ago, he couldn't move it at all. His grip strength is also coming back and he's able to walk short distances. His vocal cords were also damaged but have started strengthening again and he's able to talk again (though he can't cut a wrestling promo yet, Dave says, so he might not be doing much other than coming out and waving to the crowd if he does make it). He's still having some vision problems also, but not too bad all things considered.
  
• Dave says that "no matter what you may hear," a lot of people involved in TNA behind the scenes are very unhappy about Vince Russo being brought in. He also says that a lot of people associate Russo and Ed Ferrara together, but they actually had a major falling out awhile back and hadn't been on speaking terms until now. When it became clear Russo was coming back, Ferrara reached out to Russo and the two sides made up. He goes on record saying for sure that neither Mike Tenay or Bill Behrens are happy about Russo's arrival, among others, but says everyone is being professional.
  
• Notes from TNA Weekly PPV: Crowd of about 1,500, only about half paid. Dave says it was easily the best of the 4 shows they've had so far. About 85% of it was written and booked by Jerry Jarrett and the original writing team before Russo was hired, but Russo did make some changes. Dave says some people are beginning to get tired of Don West on commentary already and he definitely brings a ton of enthusiasm (but nothing else, Dave adds) to the table. During the Ken Shamrock vs. Omori match, the crowd was distracted by one of the cage dancers near the entrance who was apparently showing her ass to the crowd. Former WCW wrestler Crowbar (real name Chris Ford) worked a tag match under the name Tempest and Dave notes that when Ford worked a try-out match for WWE awhile back, he also signed over the name Crowbar to them when he did (guessing Dave is mistaken about this. He never used the name Crowbar in TNA, but he's been using it everywhere else ever since for the last 18 years). Brian Christopher is now going by his real name, Brian Lawler, and cut a promo on Jerry Lawler about being a bad father. It got a lot of heat but now they've made fans want to see a match that they can't deliver. K-Krush faced NASCAR driver Hermie Sadler and got DQ'd. Dave says Krush was absolutely awesome here, actually carrying Sadler to a watchable match. Sadler was awful of course, but the Gayda/Stratus match from Raw was light years worse, so hey, who cares? TNA tried to bring in Hermie's more famous older brother Elliott Sadler, but that fell through because Elliott has some type of affiliation with WWE, though Dave isn't sure what (I did the research and apparently Elliott drove a Summerslam-themed car during a race around this time, so I assume that's it).
  
• More notes from TNA Weekly PPV, since this recap is huge and big, unbroken paragraphs suck: Mark and Jay Brisco worked a brief match until Malice ran in and destroyed everyone (Dave says this was a Russo addition to the show. Dave also says the Briscos will be great some day and notes that on this show, the announcers lied and said both of them are 18, when in fact, Mark Brisco is still 17 and therefore not even allowed to wrestle in many commission states). Former porn star and ECW valet Jasmine St. Claire debuted and gave Jeremy Borash a lap dance, took off her underwear, and was about to strip nude until a big angle stopped it. And yes, in case it wasn't obvious, this was another Russo addition. AJ Styles and Jerry Lynn are the tag team champions and ended up in a big brawl backstage. If you've been paying attention to the show the last 2 weeks, you would have recognized that they were doing a slow build with these two partners having friction, but Russo convinced Jarrett to hurry up and pull the trigger on the split, so here we are. Dave thinks this had no impact at all because it felt completely rushed, the story hadn't progressed far enough yet for these two to already be coming to blows. Another interview with the Dupps saying "shit" repeatedly was, yes, another Russo addition. Try not to cut yourself on all this edginess. Shamrock vs. NOAH star Takao Omori ended in a no contest because of politics. Shamrock was supposed to win clean, but then NOAH decided they didn't want Omori to do a job, so this is what we got. Dave thinks TNA should have said screw them then and just not used Omori because it's not like TNA's fanbase knows who the fuck he is anyway. Omori was said to have been spaced out all day beforehand and looked bad in the match. Crowd didn't care and they pumped in a ton of fake crowd noise for it. Jeff Jarrett ran in and took everyone out with chair shots, including "NWA rep" Harley Race, who ate a brutal unprotected chair shot to the head from Jeff and Dave thinks that's not good for anyone's brain, especially a guy pushing 60. Race was there basically to help Omori since Harley's small promotion in St. Louis has a relationship with NOAH. And finally, the 6-man X-Division #1 contenders match was excellent. Dave thinks WWE really missed the boat on Jerry Lynn and K-Krush. He admits Lynn probably couldn't have ever been a top guy in WWE or anything, but he makes everybody he wrestles look like a million bucks and guys like that are priceless to have on your roster. They also pumped a bunch of crowd noise in for this match, and at one point, the fake crowd noise loop stopped and there was a moment where it went from a loud roaring crowd to dead silence in a blink. Also, a fight in the stands distracted the crowd near the end. But great match otherwise. Show ended with the Titans players angle.
  
• In other news, The Shane Twins have been working as the masked penis wrestlers The Johnsons in TNA but the penis aspect of it has been played down to almost nothing. Upcoming plans were for the team to unmask and revert back to the Shane Twins, but when Russo came aboard, that plan got scrapped and they will remain The Johnsons for now. Because dammit, Russo will get to make penis jokes on TV or he's going to die trying.
  
• Many of the key names in TNA (Shamrock, AJ Styles, Jerry Lynn, Mike Tenay, among others) have now signed 1-year contracts. Scott Hall was rumored to have also signed a 1-year deal, but Hall is telling people it's not true and he's only committed for 4 more dates. Low-Ki is signed through the end of the year.
  
• At the recent K-1 vs. PRIDE show, there was a huge upset when PRIDE fighter Quinton Jackson knocked out Cyril Abidi, one of the top kickboxers in the world. The "plan" was for Abidi to win and then go on to a bigger money match with Don Frye, but that's what happens when you try to plan things around a shoot.
  
• And I'm sorry, I know this ain't an MMA recap, but this is too good: at the UFC press conference for the UK show this week, Dana White showed up with a bag filled with $250,000 in cash and challenged UK boxing promoter Frank Warren to put up any fighter in his stable and White would find a UFC fighter of the same weight to fight him, winner takes all the money. If you recall, Warren made some statements a few weeks back calling UFC fighters unskilled steroid freaks and claiming that his boxers could beat any of them in a real fight. So Dana showed up with a whole bag of cash, doing Dana things.
  
• Notes from Raw: Vince came out to the NWO music and said that's the last time we'll ever hear it and that the NWO is dead, so as expected, that's it for that gimmick. Tommy Dreamer is back to his old ECW gimmick and is already 1000x more over than the jobber-eating-gross-stuff gimmick WWE gave him. There was a Coach/Booker T segment backstage which is when Eric Bischoff walked through the shot, leaving everybody with their mouths hanging open, and then his promo. Another hype video for Rey Mysterio debuting on Smackdown next week. Former WCW wrestler and recent developmental guy Johnny The Bull made his Raw debut winning the hardcore title, and Dave is baffled how he got the call up because he's one of the worst guys they have in developmental and is nowhere near ready. But it's all about how he looks. Undertaker & Lesnar beat RVD & Flair in the main event and afterward, Lesnar turned on Undertaker in a good angle, though Dave doesn't have high hopes for the inevitable match.
  

WATCH: Rey Mysterio debut vignette

• Notes from Smackdown: it was a pretty bad show and for a pretty surprising reason. It was all built around Rock and he was awful. Rather than trying to sell a PPV, he came off like he was trying too hard to be a funny, "cool" guy and became a parody of himself. Dave is a huge Rock fan and thinks it was painful. He did a big in-ring promo segment with rapper Busta Rhymes that was just an elaborate plug for his new Halloween: Resurrection movie ("coming out in July?" Dave asks incredulously and, right, wtf?). Even Rock using Angle's own ankle lock against him at the end of the show looked hilariously fake and Dave has no interest in the Rock/Angle match at Vengeance after this show. Edge & Hogan defending the tag titles was a super heated match and Dave can't understand it. The live crowds are still nuclear hot for Hogan, but it's not translating at all into TV ratings or ticket sales. But man, the people who do buy tickets sure do love him. They seem to be slow-burning a Randy Orton heel turn. The Nidia segment at the buffet was great and Dave thinks they may have stumbled across a pretty great gimmick with her.

WATCH: The Rock & Busta Rhymes Smackdown segment

• The crew got a little backstage pep talk before Raw this week, mostly given by the agents (John Laurinaitis, Arn Anderson, and Fit Finlay) as well as Triple H. In particular, Triple H talked about there being too many people in the locker room who think they deserve a push ahead of the newer guys because they've been there longer. He said too many guys are sitting back waiting for someone to give them a push rather than breaking out from the pack and earning the push. He said he got over on his own when management was trying to hold him down after the MSG curtain call incident. Said too many guys are being lazy, playing cards and playing video games backstage rather than watching the matches and learning. He said just because you've had a few good matches on TV doesn't mean you know how to work or deserve a push, and also said everyone needs to work harder at house shows because attendance is down and it was guys like him who worked hard to re-build the company the last time business was down. Needless to say, for a locker room full of people who feel like they bust their asses only to get their legs cut off and hit a glass ceiling (often at the hands of the same guy giving the speech), this went over just about as well as you'd expect with the rest of the locker room. Not that anything Triple H said is wrong. Dave agrees with most of it. But considering who the messenger was, it was not well-received.
  
• Lots of backstage talk about last week's Bradshaw/Trish Stratus vs. Chris Nowinski/Jackie Gayda match, which was among the worst matches anyone has seen in years. Fit Finlay is the usual trainer and agent for the women and usually goes over their matches and spots with them, but in this case, Sgt. Slaughter put together this match. Gayda missed a few spots early in the match and seemed to panic and it all fell apart from there. Backstage, she was fully aware of how bad it was and was said to be extremely upset. There's been talk of sending her down to OVW for more training, but she'll probably still be on TV because she's fresh off winning Tough Enough.
  
• Steve Austin hasn't had any contact with anyone in WWE except for Jack Lanza, who was the agent Austin often worked with for his matches. All that's known now is Austin told Lanza he's still training hard and Lanza felt like he's getting antsy sitting at home and may be ready to return already (I think he's got bigger problems at home). But Austin and Vince still have not spoken and there's still a lot of bad feelings there.
  
• In light of recent events, Dave digs up the transcript from an old Prodigy online chat from 1996, in which Eric Bischoff was asked if he would ever work for Vince McMahon. His response: "I would rather chew off my fingers."
  
• Writer Brian Gewertz reportedly has some heat over Raw's declining ratings. The problem is, no matter who it is (Gewertz, Heyman, Russo, or even Stephanie), the final approval for everything you see on television comes down to Vince McMahon. He deserves the credit when it's good and the blame when it's bad, end of story. It's a common occurrence for Vince to rip up a script and tell the writers to come up with something new, so any bad segment that makes it to TV is on him, and resulting in lots of last minute changes. Some people are even blaming Gewertz for Kevin Nash's recent injury because Gewertz wrote the match into the script the day of the show, so Nash wasn't even aware he was going to be wrestling until a couple hours before they went on the air and I guess he didn't have time to properly stretch and get ready, and ended up tearing his quad 10 seconds in. Same thing with Cena's debut, that was a day-of decision, and luckily Cena was already on the road with the crew working dark matches, so he was available. But again, Dave says you can't blame Gewertz for either of those things because, once again, it's Vince who is constantly changing his mind and forcing last minute rewrites and whatnot every week. How is Gewertz or any other writer supposed to build long-term stories under those conditions? (Man, this sure feels familiar)
  
• Latest on DDP, he and wife Kimberly are planning on moving from Atlanta to Los Angeles to try their hand at acting careers. They've both saved a lot of money from their years in wrestling and can afford to take a chance on this kind of thing I guess. (DDP has done a handful of acting roles, mostly in the mid-00s, but obviously nothing of note. And Kimberly Page did a few movies, including a starring role with DDP in a movie called The Scam Artist that I can't find anywhere, and of course, her most famous role as "chick who's tit fell out" in The 40 Year Old Virgin).
  
• Randy Orton suffered a concussion in a house show match with Batista. Orton was trying to sell a clothesline by flying in the air and taking a big flat back bump, but hit his head on the mat coming down and was knocked unconscious. He should be back in a week or so though, because it's not like concussions are serious injuries or anything. EMT's helped him out of the ring and he walked to the back under his own power but he was knocked clean the fuck out for a bit there.
  
• This week's episode of WWE Confidential featured Big Show and Bradshaw playing a game of HORSE with the winner "getting a shot to sexually harass Linda Miles." So obviously they're out of ideas for this show. (Yeah JBL is on some full-blown Jerry Lawler shit with Miles here).
  

WATCH: JBL perving on Linda Miles for 5 minutes under the guise of playing basketball

• John Cena is still finishing up in OVW and working the upcoming big Six Flags show in Louisville. Despite being a big babyface on TV, he's still a heel in OVW and is playing a gimmick where his main roster success is going to his head.
  
• The New York Daily News ran a story on the "Sex, Lies & Headlocks" book that is coming out soon about Vince McMahon and noted several revelations in the book, such as Vince being paranoid about his office being bugged in 1993 prior to the steroid trial and how he wouldn't sit or talk near windows because he thought the FBI was listening in. It also talked about how Vince gave a job interview to Matt Lauer to host the WBF Bodystars show but didn't think Lauer had the right look, among other things. When asked for comment, WWE responded "No one in WWE has any interest in reading it. No one cares to." Dave says that's 2002 carny talk for, "Can you get us an advance copy?"
  

NEXT WEDNESDAY: Raw appears to turn a corner (lol no), WWE making major cutbacks and severing developmental ties, TNA also making major budget cuts, WWE Vengeance fallout, and more...

At my most recent Problem Gambling Support Group meeting via Skype (the same one posted on here weekly) it was my turn to do a therapy session. This is my journey from starting gambling until now. I thought it would be worth sharing here as someone may get something from it. It is a bit of a long read.
My name is Mark and i’m a compulsive gambler. My last bet was April 2nd 2019. The day of April 2nd was a massive turning point in my life, it was the day I finally admitted to my long term partner, who is the mother of my two children, and to my parents that I was a compulsive gambler and needed help. The weekend prior was when I finally said to myself I’ve had enough, I had been betting for 14 years and it had beaten me so badly that I was a mess mentally and financially. Although no one knew that because I was an expert at hiding it.
I started gambling like almost anyone in the UK or Ireland, The Grand National. The one day of the year where it seems like every man, woman and child has a bet on. The biggest horse race in the world. That and those glorious holidays spent in Portrush playing the 2p machines (penny fall machines). I don’t for one second blame those experiences for my gambling problem, they are just my first memories of gambling. One really vivid memory I have of gambling was when I was begging my dad for the latest Official Playstation Magazine, the one with the demo disc, and he was just sitting down to watch England play against someone and said to me “if Paul Scholes scores the first goal I will get you the magazine.” Now, I know for a fact win or lose my Dad would have gotten me the magazine, he just said that so I would give him peace to watch the match. Well I remember watching the game with him hoping with all my might Paul Scholes would score 1st and he did. That adrenaline rush, even at a young age (I was 13 years old at most I would say) was unbelievable. Now, again, I am not blaming that for my gambling addiction at all, it is just one of my first vivid memories but that mentality of gambling to get something I want for free would be a regular pattern throughout my gambling career.
Once I turned 18 I opened my first betting account with Blue Sq and that started my online sports gambling journey. Friday nights were spent betting on Wolverhampton all weather horse racing and the Dutch and French 2nd Divisions. All harmless fun, controlled gambling, small stakes. I was still working part time at this stage, left school that summer and gambling was not in the way. Once I got my full time job though that all changed.
The first time I could put my finger on when my gambling changed was the first day of the 2008/2009 football season. I’d been working full time for about 3 years and my gambling was still under control, well, at least I thought it was. My stakes were still low and I was doing football bets at the weekend for a bit of fun. I gambled, but it wasn’t causing me any issues. That Friday I walked into a Paddy Power and decided instead of placing a load of stupid football bets for £1 or £2 I’d pick three teams for the season and do a £20 treble each week. Sheffield United, Leicester City and Leeds United were the picks. Of course, the first weekend it landed (the only time it landed all season I think) and my betting changed from that moment. I genuinely can’t remember the odds but I must have lifted over £100 from that £20 stake and after that staking £1 or £2 just wasn’t appealing. What was the point in that when I could stake £20 and win more. From that moment my gambling started to get out of control over time. Then came the loans, the credit cards and the payday loans.
At some point around this time I had opened a spread betting account due to a sign up offer. Now I did not have the first clue about spread betting but the offer was they gave you a free £100 or something to sign up so I did. I was still living at home at the time and we had one computer which everyone used. Well my Dad stumbled upon this website and was able to access the account (he’s not technically minded so I imagine I left it logged in) and he seen the betting history and he went mental at me. Now, I did explain that it was just bonus funds and I hadn’t actually deposited any of my own money but still the lecture came. It felt like a lecture at the time to me but he was just warning me of the dangers of gambling. Giving me examples of people he knew who had a problem and how easy it is for a gambling problem to begin. So I can never turn around and say that I wasn’t aware of the dangers, I was, my ego was just too big to listen. I paid lip service to the lecture and said I wouldn’t do it again and my Dad took me at my word and trusted me.
So, I knew early on I had a problem. I self excluded from places over the years but never really wanted to quit. I was getting in debt but was able to continue with my lifestyle as I was living at home. I remember one day going to a cheque cashing place where I could write a cheque for £100, dated on my next payday, and they’d give me £90 there and then. I did two cheques for going out that weekend (and a couple of bets on the Aintree Festival) walked straight to the bookies and had the £180 on Denman to win the Aintree Bowl at even money. Denman was a monster of a horse, a machine. He could not lose...then he suffered the first fall of his career. Back I went to the cheque cashing place for another £90 so I could still go out that weekend.
I wasn’t learning from my betting mistakes either as I was just borrowing more money to cover the cracks. I got a few debt consolidating loans over the early years to try and get a handle on my debt but it just gave me an excuse to take out more credit. The payday loans which I used to either gamble or cover my expenses for going out because I used all my money gambling. I would borrow money off my Dad and give him the puppy dog eyes when I paid it back and normally he’d only take half of what I owed him. He thought he was doing the right thing and he wanted me to have money to be able to go out with friends, I was just manipulating the situation.
I moved out and into my friends house for a year and the gambling continued, although I had less money to gamble with. My credit rating was taking a battering but I was young and didn’t really care. Then I met my current girlfriend in February 2010 and we moved in together that September. The gambling continued and was getting worse. I made the smart move to get a second job to supplement my gambling…...at a greyhound track. I’d be earning about £20 a night but gambling £60 or £80. Insanity. We had our first child in April 2012 and not long after she found out I’d be gambling some of the money we’d saved. It wasn’t a lot of money, but she was pissed (rightfully so). I managed to talk my way out of it and that was when I became really good at hiding things. She took control of the rent money and any money for our son so that was never in danger thankfully. We had our daughter in 2016 but the gambling still continued.
It may seem like I have glossed over an important period of time there but the truth is I can’t really remember any of the details. The only details I am able to recall with any great clarity are coming up but I just want to touch on a couple of things from this period. This was a time when I had the biggest wins of my gambling career, two separate occasions. One was an insane run of luck where I couldn’t lose all weekend and ended up with enough money for me, my partner and our Son to have our first and only foreign holiday. Another time I had a £5 free bet and landed a treble at Sandown, all Gary Moore horses and won £3.5k. That money went towards decorating the nursery for my soon to be born Daughter, my partner got money, my Mum and Dad and her Mum and Dad. I bought a PS4 and gambled the rest from memory. The two reasons these moments stick in my head isn’t just the amounts, it’s the only time I walked away in profit, at least for the sessions in question and the reason is that I told my partner I had won the money. That was the only way I knew I wouldn’t gamble it all away because she would ask questions if the money I promised didn’t materialise.
Another part of this time period I want to explore is how I was emotionally. I was 25 when we had our Son and he wasn’t planned. It was a shock to say the least and my life, as I knew it anyways, changed. No longer was I able to do what I wanted socially, I had a Son to provide for. I was working two jobs, money was tight, was I still gambling? Of course I was but slowly I started to strip everything else out of my life. We had our daughter when I was 29 and to be honest here, as much as it sadeness me I thought this way I resented having kids, especially at that age. I felt trapped at times, people I knew were able to do what they want but yet I had all this responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my kids during this time as well and they meant the world to me, but I do feel that I got into the thought process that I was trapped because of them and my only escape was into the world of online gambling.
I would go through phases where I’d stop altogether for months on end, a year at one point which I imagine was around the time my partner found out about me using the savings for gambling, but I’d always go back to it thinking I was in control but I never was. When gambling I’d deposit £10, lose it, deposit another £10, lose it, rinse and repeat until all my money was gone. If I won it just meant I could gamble longer. It was never about the money. I thought it was, but really the money was the fuel that could keep me gambling longer. Most months I was skint a few days after payday and couldn’t gamble until the next payday. It may not sound like a lot of money but it was a relentless cycle month after month after month.
At the end of 2016 I got an overdraft of £2k and gambled it all on soccer all around the world. Woke up and started gambling in Asia, moved across the globe into the Middle East, Africa, Europe and then fell asleep betting on South American football. It was out of control. Betting on Egyptian football on Xmas Day a particular lowlight. This was what my gambling looked like when I had money. All these bets were in-play as that’s how I gambled, watching a little graphic on Bet365 and thinking I could predict what was going to happen. I also gambled heavily on tennis as well, picking a player to win a set 6-0 was one of my favourites. Generally I would start with £10 as I mentioned and if the bet won I would keep “investing” all the money until it got to a certain amount, normally a couple of hundred quid. Once I got to that point I would raise my stakes significantly because I would tell myself it wasn’t my money. It wasn’t if I didn’t count all the loses it took to get to this point over the previous few days. I would then gamble that until it’s gone cursing myself for not taking the money when I had the chance. Placing the last of my money praying to a god I don’t believe in that if he could just make this bet land then I wouldn’t bet again. Once the money was done I would just sit there, looking at my bank balance, the lack of money, the direct debits due to come out in a few days, trying to figure out how I would survive the next 3-4 weeks until payday. Then I would dust myself off and start working on some budgets. What direct debits I could bounce, who I could ask to borrow money from or maybe what I could sell to fund another round of gambling to try and win my money back.
Coming into 2018 I was in a “good place” with gambling, or so I thought. I was Matched Betting which was a way of making money via bookmakers offers. It worked well for a few months but it all went to shit in the Summer of 2018. Matched Betting introduced me to the casino side of things and I lost £3.5k on roulette. I’ll not go into the ins and outs of how I had that sort of money, lets just say I didn’t and I found a way to deposit via direct debit on PayPal and of course those all bounced. Luckily Paddy Power rewarded me by making me a VIP customer after that, every cloud and all that. So I was chasing big style and getting free £50 bonuses each week from them but I could never get enough money to stop, because no amount was ever going to be enough. Their offers of Money Back if Horse X wins are normally £10 max refund, I was getting £100 max refund. Eventually I was running out of ways to get money and when I started to bet less with Paddy Power they removed my VIP status. I did win £1000 on an NFL bet and lost the lot on roulette the next week. Another lowlight.
The win on the NFL followed by the lose on roulette sticks in my mind because visually it summed up how miserable I was. I had promised my partner back at the start of the year that we would get the living room redecorated and I would pay with it from my Matched Betting and she was happy with that. Of course I explained it was risk free and nothing could go wrong and it wasn’t even gambling. Anyways, come November we are due to have our living room redecorated and of course I do not have the money for it so I have to go to my Mum and Dad. I give them some sob story about how when I was Matched Betting I made a mistake, layed off the wrong horse and lost my money so could then lend me it and don’t tell my partner. It was a complete lie and to be honest at the time I didn’t think they had bought it but they lent me the money. Turns out when I told them about my gambling problem back in April they had smelt bull shit but my Granda (on my Dad’s side) was ill in the hospital and he was stressed about that so he just let it slide. So the redecoration was on and it was going to take a couple of days. One Monday night I had a bet on the NFL and it landed, £10 at 100/1. Happy days, I can give my Mum and Dad back their money, it’s nearly Xmas, this is amazing luck. So on Tuesday night I sat in my half decorated living room and thought if I could just win a little bit more then things would be even better so loaded up the roulette. I lost it all sitting in the living room and during it I could literally see what the money would be paying for but it didn’t stop me, nothing would stop me.
2019 I could feel myself struggling. My life was consumed with gambling or working out how to get money to gamble and then how I was going to pay people back what I owed them. I was in a bad place, I was a bad person, lying, angry but still no one knew the truth. January had always been a tough month as I run several NFL Fantasy Football leagues for money and I am in charge of the money. Of course, that was always gambled away by me and January was the month people expected pay outs because the season was over. Usually I would have won enough money in my leagues to cover it or convince people to pay for next year with their winnings that I could cover it. This year I could not and I had the added pressure of owing people money. A lot of these people were friends of mine I knew personally, others were people I had gotten to know over a few years and only talked online. Either way I had stolen their money and gambled it away. I managed to use my Granda’s death in January as an excuse for why I had not paid people yet, I was in a bad way with the funeral etc, all the excuses, the truth is I was just trying to buy more time.
Then came the weekend prior to April 2nd. I had just been paid and deposited some money into my Bet365 account and managed to get my balance up to £910 on Friday 29th March. I should say by this stage I was fully gambling on tennis. Not match winner, that took too long, generally set winner or next game winner as that was quicker. Now this £910 would have cleared some of my urgent debts to allow me to continue on gambling. All I had to do was withdraw, and I was going to…...once I got it up to a nice round £1000. As you can guess I lost the lot. £300-£400 on Benoit Paire was one of the worst hits but I was gambling like a mad man. That was how I bet when I had winnings, the stakes got out of control. By the time I was leaving work at 6pm on the Friday the whole £910 was gone. I was betting on ATP, Challenger, ITF, any tennis that was on I was betting on it. Back in the day I remember betting on a tennis match where they had one ball. Still a story that brings a smile to my face if I’m honest. A smile that consists of a mixture of shame and cringe. That Friday night I deposited whatever I had left in and managed to win back a good chunk of the money, but it still wasn’t enough. It still wasn’t what I had before. So the whole weekend went like that, up and down, up and down. I went to a family dinner and sat betting on my phone the whole night. That’s how my life has been the last number of years, i’m present at gatherings, or nights out but my mind is deep in my phone gambling away not giving a shit about anyone.
Eventually the money ran out that weekend. I was a mess. I could have actually made it work financially and gotten through the month but mentally I was gone. I could tell my brain had put me into a nosedive and the only way this was all ending was in disaster. Maybe not this month, or this year but I was being flown towards rock bottom.
I sat down on the Monday and wrote out everything that I owed, who I owed it to, a budget going forward. It was grim enough reading, £18k in the hole. The money wasn’t the issue, it was how it was making me feel, the time I’ve been wasting. The fact that I finally couldn’t take anymore, that I was ready to wave the white flag and say gambling has won, it defeated me. I found out when and where the nearest GA Meeting was to me and wrote that down too. So I found a set of balls and on the Tuesday I told my girlfriend. My attitude was that life can’t be any worse for me than it currently is. I was a mess, I cried, I honestly expected her to tell me to get out and I wouldn’t have blamed her, but she was amazing. She was angry obviously, but she was so supportive. Then I called my parents round and told them. They were disappointed, confused but also really supportive. Then the next day I told my closest friends who were again all really supportive. I owe them some money too and they’ve been great about setting up a payment plan to pay that back. I can imagine some people saying that I didn’t hit rock bottom in comparison to others, I felt that way myself to be honest. I felt like I had gotten off lightly but looking back the cycle I was in was soul destroying and although I didn’t cause the devastation others have caused I knew I needed to reach out for help as I couldn’t do it on my own.
I registered for GAMStop and self excluded online for 5 years which has taken the avenue of online gambling away from me. A vital step if online is your vice. I also handed over control of my finances to my partner which again removed another temptation. I’ve since learned in recovery that gamblers need 3 things, time, opportunity and money, take away one of those and you won’t be able to gamble. I took away two with these simple steps.
I then went to my first GA Meeting on Wednesday 3rd April. The time doesn’t suit me for that, Monday at 9pm is my meeting but I felt I needed to get to one ASAP. I don’t know what I expected GA to be, some sort of church run cult filled with a bunch of old men desperate for a bet but it’s one of the most amazing groups I’ve ever found. It’s a dumping ground for all my shit and it’s a place where I can listen to other people’s stories. Without sounding sexist, it’s something a lot of men could do with outside of addiction, a place to talk about life and how they are feeling. I take a 50 mile round trip every Monday to get there. When I was gambling if I had to travel 50 miles to get internet to gamble you can guarantee I’d have travelled every day. When I leave a meeting I am buzzing, for all the right reasons. I’m a lifer when it comes to GA now and I am fine with that.
I am also a member of the Problem Gambling Support Group and we run three meetings a week via Skype. This group has been so influential to my recovery and I have met so many good people I now consider friends through it. The topic meeting style is completely different to what happens at my own GA so it fits into my recovery perfectly and gives me a different perspective.
I have a sponsor, who has had a massive impact on my recovery. He has helped me work the Steps and is always there if I need him. At times it’s hard to tell who is sponsoring who but that sort of dynamic works well for me as I see him as a friend first and sponsosponsee second.
I have also found a passion for writing about my journey and post my stuff on my blog, on GamCare and on the Reddit Problem Gambling Sub. I have been told my stuff is very good and people seem to get a lot from it. As I explained at a recent meeting I am still learning how to deal with praise, it makes me feel awkward. I’m not sure if it’s from years of not wanting to be the focus of people's attention because of the fear they might ask questions and my addiction would be exposed. Whatever the reason I am working on being able to accept praise and enjoy it and as I was told at the last meeting...a simple thank you is usually enough.
I’ve been clean for over 9 months now, and I have not struggled with urges to gamble. My life is amazing, it always was but I was too wrapped up in my addiction to notice. I literally had everything I could ever want. I have an amazing partner and two amazing children along with my parents who are absolutely fantastic. I have my health, a job and my friends are another support network I couldn’t do without now. They stood by me when I admitted my problem and they gave me the belief that I could do this.
Recovery is now my focus along with my family. The debt can be managed, stopping gambling is one day at a time, but the main focus of my recovery will be fixing my character defects, helping others, being open and honest to people and not being a selfish asshole. I would like to think those that know me now can at least drop the selfish part when describing me.
I have put plenty of work into my recovery and I feel like I am getting the benefits out of it. I have a routine when it comes to meetings and they don’t impact on my family life. Is every day amazing? No it’s not. Some days are rather boring and some days are tough, but that’s life. Some days you have to make chicken salad out of chicken shit. I have accepted what I am, I am a compulsive gambler and I need to be the one who changes. No one else around me needs to change, I am the common denominator. I have noticed a change in myself and those closest to me. They all seem happier, more content, happy to have this me in their life and not the old me. I wasn’t a nice partner, father, son or friend when I was in active addiction. I don’t want to be the person I was before I started gambling either because I am pretty convinced he was an asshole as well. I am using this recovery to become the man I want to be, the man I can look in the mirror and be proud to be.
As I said, I have accepted that I am a compulsive gambler and I cannot have a single bet because it will lead me back to active addiction. I have no issues with the gambling industry or people who gamble, I just know that I am unable to gamble as it ends in disaster. I feel there should be more discussion around problem gambling and the industry should be putting more money into helping problem gamblers and to help identify problem gamblers. It’s a fine line though, as I know if a bookie told me they felt I had a problem and wouldn’t accept a bet I’d have been angry and just went somewhere else. You need to be ready for recovery to fully embrace it. I never was until April 2nd. For the people in recovery we need to be ready to help those that get to the stage where they are ready for recovery. We are the ones who these people will come to rely on as we’ve been through it, you can tell when talking to someone who hasn’t had a gambling addiction they just don’t understand. Over the coming years I think there will be a significant rise in people looking for help with problem gambling. I don’t feel like my story is close to the worst out there and I have read and heard some people who have the opinion that you need to cause devastation before recovery will work. That’s bollocks and that sort of attitude is why GA is filled with old men and young people are reluctant to stay. I have come to believe it doesn’t matter how much you have lost, how many relationships you have destroyed or what age you are, all you need is a desire to stop gambling and that is the qualification for entering recovery.
For now though, for me, my next bet won’t be about the money I lose, I’ll lose my partner and my children as well and that’s not a bet that I am not willing to make.
Mark

Welcome to Lost in the Sauce, keeping you caught up on political and legal news that often gets buried in distractions and theater. (the previous edition can be found here if you are super behind).
House-keeping:

1. How to read: the headings will guide you through this piece. The Main Course covers the “big” stories and The Sides covers the “smaller” stories. IF YOU FOLLOW THE NEWS CLOSELY: you likely know about the stories in the Main Course section, so you will be best served by scrolling down to The Sides portion.
   
2. How to support: If you enjoy my work, please consider becoming a patron. I do this to keep track and will never hide behind a paywall, but these projects take a lot of time and effort to create. Even a couple of dollars a month helps. Since someone asked a few weeks ago (thank you!), here's a PayPal option
   
3. How to get notifications: If you’d like to be added to my newsletter, use this SIGNUP FORM and you’ll get these recaps in your inbox!
   

Let’s dig in!

MAIN COURSE

Trump’s incompetence, authoritarian patterns continue with coronavirus response

In a standalone piece published yesterday, I go over Trump’s response to the coronavirus, how he made the spread inevitable, and the impact of Trump’s authoritarian impulses.

Nadler launches Barr investigation

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler sent Attorney General Bill Barr a letter last week requesting a slew of interviews and documents in preparation for Barr’s scheduled testimony at the end of March.
Most notably, Nadler requested interviews with the four career prosecutors who withdrew from Roger Stone’s case after Barr intervened to recommend a lower sentence (which Stone received): Aaron Zelinsky, Adam Jed, Michael Marando, and Jonathan Kravis. John Durham, who is leading Barr’s investigation of the origins of the Russia probe, is also on the list, as is Jessie Liu, who supervised not only Stone’s case, but also the attempted prosecution of Andrew McCabe.

“Although you serve at the president’s pleasure, you are also charged with the impartial administration of our laws. In turn, the House Judiciary Committee is charged with holding you to that responsibility.”

While it is likely that Barr won’t comply with many of these requests, Nadler may issue subpoenas directly to individuals of interest. As Democrats learned during the impeachment hearing, career officials are more likely to be forthright and honest about the Trump administration’s crimes and misdeeds.

Court rulings

McGahn’s testimony

A divided three-judge panel of the D.C. Appeals Court dismissed the House Judiciary Committee’s lawsuit against former White House Counsel Don McGahn, ruling that federal courts have no role to play in disputes between the Executive and Legislative branches. The two judges who ruled in favor of the Trump administration - Thomas Griffith and Karen Henderson - were appointed by George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush, respectively. The pair write that Congress should use other tools to try to compel McGahn’s testimony:

“Congress (or one of its chambers) may hold officers in contempt, withhold appropriations, refuse to confirm the President’s nominees, harness public opinion, delay or derail the President’s legislative agenda, or impeach recalcitrant officers.”

It should be mentioned that the majority does not mention the fact that during the impeachment trial Trump’s lawyers argued that Congress should pursue its subpoenas to executive branch witnesses in court.
Judge Judith Rogers, a Bill Clinton appointee, wrote a lengthy dissent that is worth reading in full (starting on the 58th page of this document)

“The court removes any incentive for the Executive Branch to engage in the negotiation process seeking accommodation, all but assures future Presidential stonewalling of Congress, and further impairs the House’s ability to perform its constitutional duties… Future presidents may direct wide-scale noncompliance with lawful congressional inquiries, secure in the knowledge that Congress can do little to enforce a subpoena dramatically undermining its ability to fulfill its constitutional obligations now and going forward.”

Unfair competition suit

Trump also racked up a win in an “Emoluments-adjacent” lawsuit last week: a three-judge panel of the D.C. Appeals Court united to dismiss a wine bar’s claim that President Trump's D.C. hotel is unfairly undermining the business of other venues in the city. Judge Thomas Griffith, a George W. Bush appointee, and Reagan appointee Judge Stephen Williams joined Judge Merrick Garland in the ruling.

Though it is undisputed that the wine bar has experienced a downturn since Trump took office — his gilded hotel now attracting lobbyists, advocacy groups and diplomats who used to frequent the local business — the appeals court said no evidence suggests that the president or his hotel interfered in Cork’s business.
The lawsuit “boiled down to an assertion that businesses with famous proprietors cannot compete fairly — a proposition alien to unfair-competition law,” Griffith wrote summarizing the 2017 dismissal of the case by U.S. District Judge Richard Leon.

Purge confirmed

As I explained in last Sunday’s post, Trump is seeking to purge any disloyal officials from his administration. Newly-returned staffer John McEntee is leading the search for “Never Trumpers” with the assistance of a network of conservative activists including Ginni Thomas, the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. On Monday, White House spokesman Hogan Gidley confirmed that the White House is identifying employees seen as disloyal to force out of their positions.

“It’s not a secret that we want people in positions that work with this president, not against him, and too often we have people in this government—I mean the federal government is massive, with millions of people—and there are a lot people out there taking action against this president and when we find them we will take appropriate action,” Gidley said.
“Time and time again we see in the media reports from people in the bowels of the federal government working against this president...The president's been pretty clear about the fact he wants people in this administration who want to forward his agenda. Donald Trump was the only one elected. He was the only one that the American people voted for. They didn't vote for someone at any of these other agencies, any of these other departments.” he said.

Unqualified loyalists

One of those purged from the administration, DNI Joseph Maguire, was fired for allowing his top aide to brief Congress on Russia’s intervention in the 2020 election to Trump’s benefit. Last week, Trump said he will nominate Republican Rep. John Ratcliffe to fill the position - again. Trump previously announced his intent to nominate Ratcliffe in July, but withdrew the nomination five days later after members of both parties questioned his qualifications.

• Ratcliffe rewind: Following Trump’s announcement last year, “key Republicans in Congress quickly signaled that Ratcliffe lacked the national security expertise that the job requires by law.” Ratcliffe also lied to inflate his resume: “Records and interviews with former colleagues also showed that Ratcliffe had exaggerated his role in terrorism and immigration enforcement cases when he served as a federal prosecutor in Texas. During his campaign and on his congressional website, Ratcliffe had boasted that he ‘arrested 300 illegal immigrants on a single day.’ That turned out not to be true. Former colleagues also said he didn’t play a significant role in a major terrorism case as he has claimed.” (WaPo or non-paywalled)

The current acting-DNI, Ric Grenell, can only serve until March 11 unless a permanent replacement is formally submitted to the Senate for confirmation. The Federal Vacancies Reform Act allows Grenell to remain in position throughout the confirmation process and - should Ratcliffe fail - another 210 days after. If a second person is nominated, the clock “resets” again.

• To add onto previous reports of how massively inappropriate Grenell’s appointment is, ProPublica revealed that the new spy chief once got over $100,000 from the Hungarian government, but never reported it. Failing to register as a foreign agent would normally be something the DOJ would jump at prosecuting. Senate Majority leader Chuck Schumer wrote a letter to the Justice Department last week asking the assistant attorney general for national security to "immediately investigate." Grenell also wrote op-eds in 2016 defending Vladimir Plahotniuc, a Moldovan politician, and allegedly failed to disclose payments for his work on behalf of the oligarch.
  
• What is the play here? The White House may believe that Ratcliffe is likely to be confirmed because Grenell is so ill suited for the job that Ratcliffe looks better in comparison. Alternatively, Trump is likely comfortable with Grenell as acting-DNI. Knowing that he would never survive the confirmation process, Trump may be using the generous time limits of the Federal Vacancies Reform Act to circumvent the Senate to keep his unqualified loyalist in the position in an acting capacity.
  
• Rep. Robin Kelly, a member of the Oversight National Security subcommittee, introduced legislation last week that would mandate unconfirmed national security leaders testify before oversight committees every 45 days. “...this Administration has consistently used the ‘acting’ denotation to skirt these rules and limit Congressional oversight of our national security...The American people deserve better. They deserve to know who is responsible for protecting their families and our security. Congress must hold these individuals and any Administration accountable to the highest level of oversight and transparency to protect our national security.”
  

The effect of Trump’s grip on intel

The NSA, CIA, and Pentagon have been urged by the White House not to share information about Russia and Ukraine with lawmakers, while the “Gang of Eight” senior members of Congress were bypassed leading up to at least one major intelligence operation. And intelligence community leaders have backed out of the public portion of the annual worldwide threats hearing, fearing Trump’s wrath if their assessments don’t align with his.
“We have an enemy of the United States that is conducting information warfare against us and our executive leadership doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want the Congress to hear it, and doesn’t want the people to hear it,” said former acting DNI David Gompert, who said he was “aghast” at the hiring of Grenell. “We now have a situation where the principal objective, evidently, of this acting DNI is to ensure that information about Russian interference and Russian preference for this particular president does not get out.” (Politico)

Ukrainian officials have noticed Trump’s purge and worry that efforts to force out individuals “would in the short term leave a hollowed out U.S. office in Kyiv and space for Russia to ratchet up its aggressive political influence operations.”

“Russia is getting more ambitious. They are already taking an aggressive position. Putin knows what he wants and he does not need to seek approval for his actions inside Russia let alone outside of Russia,” Danylyuk said. “There are not enough people in the administration—in the U.S. administration—to focus on Ukraine and Russia issues. A lot of people left. It will not be easy to find several counterparts.

THE SIDES

March is SCOTUS month

This month, several highly-charged issues will be heard by the Supreme Court, setting up potentially-massive changes to the legal framework of our country.
This week, Trump’s conservative appointees get their first chance to consider new curbs on abortion rights as the court examines the legality of a Louisiana law that could force two of the state’s three clinics that perform the procedure to shut down.

The case, June Medical Services v. Russo, pertains to a law passed in 2014 that requires doctors performing abortions to have admitting privileges to local hospitals. This requirement has proven to be unnecessary for clinics (an abortion rarely results in complications, and if one did, the patient would be admitted to a hospital regardless of the doctor’s privileges). And it’s so difficult to implement that when Texas passed a similar law, it shut down half the state’s clinics. (Buzzfeed News)
While it is overwhelmingly likely that five justices will vote to uphold Louisiana’s law, there is some uncertainty about how they will do so. It is possible that the Court will overrule Roe v. Wade outright. But it is at least as likely that the Court will leave Roe nominally in place while simultaneously watering down the abortion right to such a degree that it loses meaning in red states. The Court often prefers to create the impression that it will not allow the law to swing wildly according to the justices’ whims. (Vox)

Also this week, the court will hear arguments on whether Congress exceeded constitutional boundaries in 2010 when it created the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. The Trump administration believes the independent structure of the CFPB is unconstitutional and wants the president to have more control over the agency. For instance, Trump wants to be able to fire the director at will.

A court ruling on the President's removal power could affect a multitude of independent agencies including the Federal Trade Commission, Federal Energy Regulatory Commission and Federal Reserve Board. For more than a century, Congress has been creating such agencies within the executive branch with directors who can only be removed only "for cause." (CNN)

Finally, on March 31, the high court will hear arguments in three cases involving House Democrats’ and New York state prosecutors’ attempts to obtain years of Trump’s financial records and tax returns.
Last week, Trump called for Supreme Court Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg to recuse themselves from these three cases. Ginsberg criticized Trump’s character during his 2016 campaign, though she later apologized. Trump did not explain his reasoning for calling for Sotomayor’s recusal, other than her authoring of a dissent critical of the conservative justices on the court.

“Perhaps most troublingly, the Court’s recent behavior on stay applications has benefited one litigant over all others. This Court often permits executions — where the risk of irreparable harm is the loss of life — to proceed, justifying many of those decisions on purported failures ‘to raise any potentially meritorious claims in a timely manner,’” she wrote. “Yet the Court’s concerns over quick decisions wither when prodded by the Government in far less compelling circumstances.”
What she really is saying is that the same justices who have no problem allowing condemned prisoners to be killed before legitimate questions about their cases can be resolved have no compunction in rushing to prematurely protect the Trump administration, and the president’s personal interests, from legitimate legal processes. In other words, Sotomayor is calling her conservative colleagues hypocrites who are willing to bend precedent in the pursuit of ideological goals. (Brennan Center)

Ukraine emails

The latest batch of emails released by the Department of Defense in response to a FOIA suit reveals evidence that the administration withheld from Congress during the impeachment inquiry and trial. Senior members of the Trump administration, including Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Defense Secretary Mark Esper, and then–National Security Adviser John Bolton had all advised President Trump to release the military aid to Ukraine, but the final decision was ultimately up to Trump.

The August 26, 2019, email from a senior career Pentagon official states that there was “no ongoing interagency review process with respect to USAI [Ukraine Security Assistance Initiative],” and states clearly: “Final decision rests with POTUS.”

“Critically, the email appears to contradict the White House budget office’s stated rationale for withholding the aid,” American Oversight states. Administration officials had been instructed to tell Congress that the freeze of aid to Ukraine was necessary to allow for an “interagency process to determine the best use of such funds.” The August 26 email clearly states that no such process was in action.

“Tonight’s document release is a reminder that before they lined up parrot the president’s line on Ukraine aid, senior members of the president’s national security team unanimously disagreed with his decision to withhold aid from Ukraine,” said Austin Evers, executive director of American Oversight.

An earlier email release revealed that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo fully coordinated with Rudy Giuliani on Trump’s pressure campaign on Ukraine and the ouster of U.S. Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.
“We now know Mike Pompeo and his aides encouraged Rudy Giuliani to deliver his bogus 'dossier' smearing Ambassador Yovanovitch during a week in 2019 when Giuliani's henchmen were stalking the ambassador in Kyiv,” American Oversight executive director Austin Evers told Yahoo News.

The House continues Ukraine probe

The Foreign Affairs Committee is reportedly at odds with pro-Trump candidate Robert Hyde, who claimed to have former Ambassador Yovanovitch under surveillance. Chairman Eliot Engel, who is investigating the alleged surveillance and threats to the Ambassador, said in an email to Hyde last month that he was “dismayed to read yesterday that you have made statements to the media which greatly exaggerate the extent of your cooperation with this investigation."

"As you know, we have expressed repeated concern that the records you previously produced contain significant gaps," the House staffers wrote. They added that it was obvious Hyde hadn't turned everything over because his batch of materials was missing records that Congress already knows about because they were turned over by Parnas, who was on the other end of the texts.

Last week, six members of Congress led by Reps. Denny Heck (WA-10) and Jim Himes (CT-04) sent a letter to World Bank Group President David Malpass requesting information about his August meeting with Zelensky in Ukraine. The lawmakers voiced concerns that the meeting could be seen as a part of Trump’s pressure campaign that resulted in his impeachment.

The lawmakers asked Malpass to disclose when he decided to visit Kyiv, whether he coordinated his trip with non-World Bank officials, the “deliverables” of the meeting, the meeting’s impact on the World Bank’s plans in Ukraine and whether they discussed Hunter Biden, Burisma or Viktor Shokin, the former Ukrainian prosecutor general who was ousted under international pressure from leaders including former Vice President Biden. (The Hill)

Russia, Russia, Russia

Last week:

• Trump accused House Intelligence Committee Adam Schiff of leaking information about Russia’s efforts to interfere in the 2020 election, dismissed the intelligence as “exaggerated,” and refused to acknowledge that Moscow was behind similar efforts in 2016. “Schiff leaked it, in my opinion — and he shouldn’t be leaking things like that,” Mr. Trump said without evidence.
  
• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi informed the public that the Trump administration “failed to provide Congress with a report on the ongoing attacks on America’s elections from foreign governments, which was required by the bipartisan FY2020 National Defense Authorization Act.”
  
• It was reported that Senate Intelligence Committee Richard Burr warned Senate Homeland Security Committee Chairman Ron Johnson and Senate Finance Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley that their probe targeting Biden could aid Russian efforts to sow chaos and distrust in the U.S. political system.
  
• The Washington Post reported that “U.S. officials are sitting on test results that may show how the Putin regime twice tried to kill a peaceful opponent whose close ties to the United States, and columns for The Post, are reminiscent of Jamal Khashoggi, the murdered Saudi journalist.”
  
• A Russian court ordered former United States Marine Trevor Reed be detained for another six months on accusations he assaulted police officers in Moscow last year, a charge that his defense team has called “fraudulent.” Meanwhile, former Marine Paul Whelan has been in a Russian jail since 2018 on espionage accusations. Their treatment is a stark contrast from that received by celebrity rapper A$AP Rocky - when detained in Sweden, Trump dispatched his hostage envoy (and current National Security Adviser) to oversee the matter and secure Rocky’s release. No such effort has been made for the two former service members in Moscow.
  
• Hopping the pond to look at Russia’s interference in the U.K.: The wife of former Russian Finance Minister and Putin-ally Vladimir Chernukhin made a £90,000 donation for a game of tennis with Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “The donation comes as Johnson continues to delay publication of a parliamentary report detailing extensive links between his party and donors with links to Russia.”
  

Alleged Saudi and UAE funding for Trump

Lebanese-American businessman Ahmad "Andy" Khawaja told Spectator Magazine that officials from Abu Dhabi and Saudi Arabia illegally funneled millions of dollars into Trump’s 2016 campaign. As the CEO of an online payment processing company, Khawaja claims that George Nader obtained his assistance to disguise the money using stolen identities and gift cards as under-$200 campaign contributions that are not required to be reported to the Federal Election Commission.

He remembers Nader explaining why they wanted to fund the Trump campaign. According to Khawaja, Nader said: ‘I’ve been meeting with the Trump campaign people…we have a deal with Trump: my boss, His Highness, made a deal that if we help Trump get elected, he’s going to be harsh on Iran, he’s going to take out the nuclear deal that the Obama administration made. That will cripple the Iranian economy and will sanction Iran from selling oil again. It will make it very difficult for them to compete in the oil market. That’s worth a hundred billion dollars to us. That’s the reason we cannot allow Hillary to win at any cost. She must lose.’
Khawaja says he asked: ‘But you really think he’s going to win? I mean, this is crazy.’ And he says that Nader replied: ‘His Highness is not stupid, he will never bet on a losing horse.’ The money would come from the Saudis. The Emiratis would run the operation, using data bought from the Chinese. Khawaja says that Nader told him: ‘We have all the data already, we have 10 million US consumers’ data. And we have endless money.’ The Russians were ‘on board’ too: ‘He said, “Yes, I have met with Putin already and we have a green light from him. Because Putin is on the same page with us. He wants Hillary to lose.”’

Khawaja and Nader were charged with making false statements, obstruction, and allegedly making illegal contributions to Clinton’s campaign on behalf of an unidentified foreign official. While Nader is currently in jail, Khawaja is a fugitive in the Middle East.

Cuccinelli appointment illegal

A D.C.-based federal judge ruled Sunday that President Donald Trump's appointment of Ken Cuccinelli as acting U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services director violated the Federal Vacancies Reform Act, a decision that suspends two policies Cuccinelli implemented while leading the agency. (Politico)
Three weeks after assuming his new role, Cuccinelli issued a memorandum announcing a revised policy for scheduling credible-fear interviews, the first step in the asylum process, according to the court ruling. Under the revised policy, the agency reduced the time allotted for asylum seekers to consult with others prior to their interviews.
Under Cuccinelli, USCIS also prohibited granting asylum seekers extensions of time to prepare for their credible-fear interviews, "except in the most extraordinary of circumstances." The asylum directives must be set aside, Moss ruled. (CNN)

Eric Trump’s taxpayer-funded business trip

Eric Trump visited a Trump property in development in Uruguay from January 8 to 9, 2019, a two-day business trip that cost taxpayers at least $80,786. CREW obtained records through the Freedom of Information Act today that add to the massive bill of Secret Service protection related to the Trump family’s management of the president’s business empire. The 2019 trip brings Eric Trump’s total up to at least $178,616 in taxpayer funds to work on development of the Trump Organization’s Punta Del Este property alone.

Scottish leader calls for Trump investigation

Parliamentarian Patrick Harvie, a co-leader of the Scottish Greens party, implored the government to pursue a legal order forcing Trump and the Trump Organization to reveal the funding of its multi-million dollar Scottish land acquisitions, saying there were “reasonable grounds” to suspect the U.S. president has been involved in illegal activity.

Mr Harvie said that the House of Representatives had heard testimony which stated: "We saw patterns of buying and selling that we thought were suggestive of money laundering" - with particular concern expressed about Mr Trump's golf courses in Scotland and Ireland.
He added: "Trump's known sources of income don't explain where the money came from for these huge cash transactions. There are reasonable grounds for suspecting that his lawfully obtained income was insufficient.”

"Scottish ministers can apply via the Court of Session for an unexplained wealth order, a tool designed for precisely these kinds of situations." The orders can be issued by the courts to compel their target to reveal the source of funding, and are often used to tackle suspected international money laundering.

Roger Stone

District Court Judge Amy Berman Jackson denied Stone’s request that she disqualify herself from his case for supposed “bias,” issuing a sharply-worded rebuke of the defense’s allegations: "At bottom, given the absence of any factual or legal support for the motion for disqualification, the pleading appears to be nothing more than an attempt to use the Court’s docket to disseminate a statement for public consumption that has the words 'judge' and 'biased' in it," Jackson wrote. “Judges cannot be ‘biased’ and need not be disqualified if the views they express are based on what they learned while doing the job they were appointed to do.”
Footage of Roger Stone’s interviews with prosecutors last month has been released… and the only word that can sum it up is “wow.” The entire archive can be found here, but if you are short on time Politico’s Andrew Kimmel made a supercut of the must-see moments that illustrate Stone’s true character: a narcissist who can barely control his anger at being questioned.

Stefanik broke fundraising rules

A constituent of Republican Rep. Elise Stefanik (NY-21) filed an official complaint against her with the Office of Congressional Ethics for using footage of House floor activities to raise funds for her campaign - an express violation of House rules. Stefanik has used clips of her questioning during the impeachment inquiry in fundraising emails, including one with the subject line, that read, “WATCH: I EXPOSED ADAM SCHIFF.”

In a letter sent on June 7, 2018, the House Ethics Committee reminded legislators that “rules specifically prohibit the use of footage of House Floor activities and committee proceedings for any partisan political purpose.”
“I think Rep. Stefanik’s use of video of the House hearing to solicit political contributions is a serious violation of that rule,” says Larry Noble, the former general counsel of the Federal Election Commission. “The rule is clear, and so is the guidance given by the House Ethics Committee.”
Donald K. Sherman, general counsel of the ethics watchdog Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington — a group that routinely opposes the Trump administration — agrees with that assessment. “House Ethics Committee guidance clearly prohibits Members from using video of committee proceedings for campaign purposes,” said Sherman, who was previously a high-ranking Senate attorney, “which Rep. Stefanik appears to have done nine times in the last six months.

Nunes’ lawsuits

Campaign Legal Center, a nonprofit government accountability watchdog, filed a complaint with the Office of Congressional Ethics asking for an investigation into how Rep. Devin Nunes is paying for his six separate lawsuits against media companies and critics.

The complaint says Nunes appears to be in “blatant violation of House rules,” because he would have trouble paying for all these lawsuits solely from his congressional salary of $174,000 per year. The group argues he’d only be able to pay if he received legal services for free, at a discounted rate, or based on a contingency fee, meaning the lawyer would get compensated from Nunes’ winnings if he prevails in his lawsuits.
In all of those cases, the complaint says, Nunes must disclose the legal help he is receiving by filing a legal expense fund, otherwise it would represent an illegal gift given to Nunes under congressional ethics rules. Nunes has not filed a legal expense fund with the Office of Congressional Ethics.

Immigration news

• Washington Post: A federal appeals court in California halted the Trump administration’s “Remain in Mexico” asylum policy on Friday, removing one of the key tools the president has used to curb mass migration across the southern U.S. border. The ruling was in effect for only a few hours, however, as the judges later granted a Trump administration request for an emergency stay “pending further order of this court.” Justice Department lawyers said in court filings that 25,000 migrants have been ­waiting in Mexico and argued that they feared the ruling would lead to an influx on the southern ­border.
  
• New York Times: The Justice Department said Wednesday that it had created an official section in its immigration office to strip citizenship rights from naturalized immigrants, a move that gives more heft to the Trump administration’s broad efforts to remove from the country immigrants who have committed crimes… Some Justice Department immigration lawyers have expressed worries that denaturalizations could be broadly used to strip citizenship.
  
  • The Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights: "We reject any denaturalization task force that destroys citizenship as we know it and keeps every naturalized immigrant living in fear. Trump is weaponizing the DOJ to make naturalized immigrants look like second-class citizens."
• Jurist: The US Supreme Court issued a 5-4 decision in Hernandez v. Mesa on Tuesday, holding that the parents of a Mexican child who was shot and killed by a border official have no right to seek a remedy in American civil court. The child, Jesus Hernandez, had been playing with friends in a dry culvert that straddles the US-Mexico border between El Paso, Texas and Ciudad Juarez. Border Patrol agent Jesus Mesa fired at Hernandez from the US side of the culvert, and the bullet struck the boy on the Mexican side, where he died.
  
• CNN: Secretary of Defense Mark Esper faced a bipartisan grilling from lawmakers Wednesday on Capitol Hill for his decision to divert military funding to pay for the US border wall as he testifies before the House Armed Services Committee… The top Republican on the committee, Rep. Mac Thornberry, also slammed the move saying it is "substituting the judgment of the administration for the judgment of Congress," adding "I am deeply concerned about where we're headed with the constitutional issue."
  
• ACLU: The American Civil Liberties Union today filed a new lawsuit challenging the Trump administration’s transfer of an additional $3.8 billion in military funds for border wall construction. Congress did not authorize the funds. “The president is doubling down on his unlawful scheme to raid taxpayer funds for a xenophobic campaign promise that is destroying national treasures, harming the environment, and desecrating tribal lands.”
  
• Associated Press: President Donald Trump may not divert $89 million intended for a military construction project in Washington state to build his border wall… “Congress repeatedly and deliberately declined to appropriate the full funds the President requested for a border wall along the southern border of the United States,” [Judge] Rothstein wrote.
  
• Today, Monday March 2, the Supreme Court will hear arguments in a case involving the Trump administration’s “expedited removal” of asylum seekers without allowing them a chance to take their application before a federal judge. For a detailed discussion of the case, see the ACLU and Lawfare.
  
• Mother Jones: Melania Trump Got an “Einstein Visa.” Why Was It So Hard for This Nobel Prize Winner? Immigration attorneys say the Trump administration is rejecting highly qualified applicants for “genius” green cards.
  

These posts have been outstanding and super creative! Thank you all for your help! Just a few more and the list is finished! (and if it is finished don't hesitate to post your ideas anyway, we could always use more!)
The jaunty music stopped when the half orc bounty hunter walked through the saloon doors, the halfling bartender knew by the look in his eye that this man was trouble, so hastily grabbed the bottles and glasses, and hid under the bar, ignoring the ones on the shelves as he regularly cast wards on them for just such an occasion. the half orc took a look around the bar, eyes settling on the tiefling in the corner, carving his name in to the table top. the bounty hunters hand moved toward the big iron on his hip and said with a loud voice. "I'm here for Horned Harry, that you?!" the tiefling spit just to the side of the spatoon. "Ya I'm him, wanna make somthin of it?" Horned Harry snapped his fingers with a penumbral spark and the room filled with darkness.

D100 Interesting Fantasy Western Encounters,

so I'm making a campaign set in the future(well relative to mid evil fantasy that is...) where guns are common place and the trains run on time and I'd like some ideas for some encounters I can run. it can either be on the road or in a town, and it doesn't have to include combat

1. a flying train descends, surrounding around our heroes like a snake, then bandits pop out of the train and demand their money or their lives, if the battle starts going poorly. the train then flies off leaving behind any remaining bandits, they chase after the train for a ways and, seeing they've been abandoned, surrender and/or beg for their lives.(u/sirkibblesnbits )
2. While walking down the road, the heroes see a pair of disembodied legs walk up to them,invisible hands try to riffle through their pockets and belongings. if confronted, the would-be thief admits that he thought he was fully invisible and that the potion that snake oil salesman sold him must have been watered down.(u/sirkibblesnbits )
3. a caravan of goblins, in blood stained clothing too big for them, wander by in covered wagons. They say that they are merely halflings off to some nonsence location that they had heard of at some point. they attack any traveler they see that is clearly unarmed but will pretend to be halflings if they see any signs of weapons or combat prowess, will also run/drive away at speed if any of their number is killed (u/sirkibblesnbits )
4. a pair of thieves in a secluded spot near the road are loudly arguing how to they are going to split the money while are trying to open a stolen safe with a stick of dynamite and, unless intervened, will neglect to distance themselves from the explosion. killing them both but leaving the safe open, with its contents intact (my favorite encounter in red dead redemption 2)
5. a dwarf in his underwear using a rust monster to pull his wagon by using a iron dagger on a fishing pole, if interacted with, the dwarf stops the beast by smacking it in the head with a wooden club knocking it unconscious. if asked he'll gladly vent about what happened. after an exhausting day in the mine, a rust monster had emerged from the depths of the cave it ate everything it could get its antennae on. it also ate the chain keeping his horse tethered. so when he awoke all his metal possessions were turned to rust, his horse was long gone, and a rust monster was munching on what was left of his armor. so he sneaked(snuck?) the wagon into position and then before it could object tied up the beast and stuck the dagger that he keeps under his pillow on a line and into it's face and the rest is history. he is too proud to ask for assistance but will hesitantly accept any charity offered. when he set off he puts some smelling salts to the antennae of the rust monster and continues on his way. (u/sirkibblesnbits )
6. A lone stranger, clad in trench coat and ten-gallon hat, stands in the middle of the road with the sun at his back. he stops the party saying “Now, how’s about you hand over any yer valuables.” If the party refuses, a pair of draconic wings block out the setting sun as they unfurl from his back. “I wasn’t askin” It’s a young adult blue dragon, just come into adulthood, testing out his new powers. The party can fight him, hand their belongings over, or, with the right Persuasion roll (DC 18) convince him to let them join him in a spot of thievin’ and lootin’ ( u/Splashdown119)
7. Carniverous tumbleweeds. nuf said. (u/thebarberbarian)
8. An air genasi enlisting the party to help her lasso a twister (u/thebarberbarian)
9. A nearby gold mine has been taken over by a dao that has enslaved all the miners (u/thebarberbarian)
10. Wizard duels at High Moon (u/thebarberbarian)
11. A herd of undead horses has been appearing every night. If you follow them they'll eventually lead you to where they died in battle, and to the artifact that is keeping their restless souls bound to this plane (u/thebarberbarian)
12. Quest for the legendary Mithril Spurs (u/thebarberbarian)
13. A herd of cow-sized dinosaurs being driven by kobolds riding velociraptors. They pay you little mind, but are prepared to defend themselves if provoked. (u/ElZoof)
14. Six gunmen arguing fiercely over who’s turn it is to have Main Street for a high-noon showdown. Any attempt to interfere results on all six turning on the interlopers.(u/ElZoof)
15. Two strangely dressed humans fiddling with a sleek-looking horseless carriage with doors that look like wings. If questioned, they’re conducting “weather experiments” and will ask you to bring them glowing rocks from a nearby mine. (u/ElZoof)
16. The party is traveling between towns on a dusty road. It's nearing dusk, and the party is getting ready to hunker down when suddenly they hear the thundering of hooves! They look around but can't find the telltale dustcloud of whatever person(s) or beast(s) are making the noise. The sounds of the many hooves grow louder, and with them come the sounds of wranglers, tippy ki yaying and yippy ki ohhing, but still no sign of any herd or riders. Coincidentally one looks up and gasps, "Ghost Riders! Ghost Riders in the sky!" (u/LilyWineAuntofDemons)
17. A railroad tycoon needs some squatters cleared out from his land. Turns out the land is a druidic Grove that's planned to be torn down for the railroad. (u/joetom1992)
18. Party comes to a town with a bandit problem. In two days the bandits are going to ride in and take the money, one way or another. (u/joetom1992)
19. Burried beneath the mountain is an ancient evil. It'll stay dormant if left alone, but word is starting to spread about gold in the hills. (u/joetom1992)
20. An undead stranger enters a saloon, and challenges one patron to drink or draw, i.e. match the revenant drink for drink, or match him in a gunfight. The stranger explains he was hung for killing a man who stole his beer. He was cursed to wander, challenging someone every night. If someone outdrinks him, he can rest. Otherwise, he challenges them to pistols at noon. This revenant must lose one of these contests to find rest. ("Drink with the Living Dead" by ghoultown.) (u/Kronk458 and u/Ljmroper)
21. They encounter a stranger with an strangely big handgun. The stranger has in gun terms almost giant colt .44 (a bit iron one could say) hanging on his hip and he demands information of whereabouts of infamous criminal Rexas Ted ( u/globaros)
22. You see an outlaw you recognise from a wanted poster. should you pursue them a thrilling chase ensues. when you capture the outlaw, they reveal themselves to be a changeling who acts as a decoy for the real outlaws (or they do it for the thrill of outrunning bounty hunters). ( u/Eraepsoel)
23. A shabby travelling carnival has monstrous animals such as as an owlbear and an ankheg, that are ill-treated. If you ask the boss why they aren’t fed properly, he gets angry and tries to have his boys throw you out. ( u/Eraepsoel)
24. A bar fight breaks out, but just before it really gets going, in walks the town sheriff - a wizard - who calms everyone’s emotions with an enchantment spell. ( u/Eraepsoel)
25. you find a traveling band of Mariachi kobolds. ( u/nameless88)
26. you find Cubes McGee, the roughest toughest low-down meanest gelatinous cube in the west. Word is he's been rustling Old Man Withers' sheep. You can tell by all the sheep skeletons floating inside him. He stands 5'8" tall, including the cowboy hat. Don't get too close or he'll slowly eject a bullet in your general direction. ( u/PM_Me_Rude_Haiku)
27. You encounter a human cowboy lassoing some minor air elementals. ( u/ken_NT)
28. you find A chromoform (color-changing) dragonborn in the middle of a shootout with a lizardfolk outlaw when a roc, that had been menacing the town, swoops in and starts chasing him. If left uninterrupted the dragonborn manages to slay the roc by collapsing a water tower. “You might say I go wherever whiskeys cheap and hell waiting to be raised. You might say I’m already a piece of hell raised up. Name’s... Rango.” ( u/LordMosnar )
29. At nightfall some kobolds pop up from the ground, looking around quizzically. They were tunneling to the bank but got lost. ( u/LordMosnar )
30. A stranger strides into town through the midday haze. Tall, gangly, face hidden under a wide brimmed hat. He challenges the infamous Snake-Oil Sid, a Yuan-Ti outlaw, to a shootout. Everyone knows the stranger won’t last two swigs of whiskey; Sid outshoots every bounty man that comes to town. When the two meet, Sid empties his crossbow as fast as wind, and the bolts whistle towards the stranger before he even draws his weapon... clanging off the stranger’s metal chest. In the stunned silence that follows, the warforged cracks a mechanical smile, converts his arm into a crossbow, and pumps Snake-Oil Sid’s guts full of iron. ( u/LordMosnar )
31. There's a strange bank that shows up randomly around the region, never too close nor too far from a given town. The bank owner offers loans to those who venture out to his moving bank at extraordinarily low-interest rates. The twist is likely that it's a Night Hag, who has bizarre methods of determining someone's loan-worthiness. Sometimes she collects a sample of blood, sometimes she simply consults her crystal ball to determine if giving the applicant money now will influence her mysterious long-term goals. I think this works best as a random encounter or rumor - it's best if the PCs don't have a reason to "go after" the lender. ( u/m0dredus )
32. a coyote appears and takes the dumbest party member on a spiritual journey (Guatemalan insanity pepper not included) ( u/DogmaSychroniser )
33. you find a man on a horse, his hands are bound and theres a noose around his neck tied to the high branches of a tree. he is surrounded by few dead bodies and more then a few arrows. this bandit was sent to be hung, but before the sheriff could hang him they were attacked leaving only the bandit and horse left. the horse is trying to graze but if that horse moves any further he'll slide off, and the noose will finish the job.(the ballad of buster scruggs) ( u/sirkibblesnbits)
34. In the middle of the desert, your ears slowly here, a mellow tune in the distance. (Depending on the time of day, the tune is different — morning to afternoon, cheery or tries at least — afternoon to night, a lantern is seen that glimmers with green torch light, and a gothic tune is heard), the tune gets louder and louder, and your eyes wander and you find a satyr, chained to an anchor playing a piano. The sand around him is turning into glass crystals. Coming closer you see that there is more than just a piano, instruments as well. They seem to be instruments of the bards; The Anstruth Harp, Canaith Mandolin, Cli Lyre, Doss Lute, Fochlucan bandore, Mac-Fuirmidh cittern and even the Ollamh harp. Talking to the satyr, you find out his name is Lucy, and that he is bound by a fiend (Erinyes) to play music for eternity, no rest, and that he is bound to these instruments. If a PC tries to take one, they cannot lift it off the ground. You also learned out that Lucy left the Nine Hell’s without acknowledging it, he was a prized composer of music. To unbound him, you need to go to an abandoned church and seek this fiend. Going in, you are teleported into Avernus, without you knowing until you walk out.( u/Gods_Cat)
35. you spot the legendary jackalope!(u/FirstChAoS)
36. you encounter the legendary cactus cat!(u/FirstChAoS)
37. you see a dragon train napper fly off with an entire train (u/FirstChAos)
38. There's a problem in the area with an ogre wrestling cattle. Not rustling, wrestling. (u/FirstChAoS)
39. A battle is going to happen at high noon, a white hat (Paladin) facing off against a black hat (antipaladin)(u/FirstChAoS)
40. Two giants get into conflict after declaring that “the town is not big enough for the two of us”. They are literally correct.(FirstChAoS)
41. Devils set up a railroad using trains driven by a soul burning infernal combustion engine.(u/FirstChAoS)
42. A fish mongeskinner selling the pelts of furry trout.(u/FirstChAoS)
43. Cowboys struggling to get a herd of sidehill gougers down the mountain to the market.(u/FirstChAoS)
44. A saguaro cactus themed treant needs your help chasing out peccary(wild pig) riding goblins who despoil the land.(u/FirstChAoS)
45. to track down a criminal, you must chase them through a grove of jumping cactus.(u/FirstChAoS)
46. Werecoyotes menace the city(u/FirstChAoS)
47. As long as the party is good aligned or has a reputation for being good, whenever they get into an encounter way over their head, a mysterious stranger, in high collared trench coat and widebrim hat slung low, will very rarely appear some distance away and provides covering fire with his revolver. He disappears in a heat haze once the battle is over. In the offchance that he dies in the encounter, the party can loot his corpse to find him a regular looking man, nothing on him but his clothes, a revolver and a note saying "One good turn deserves another" (u/MutatedMutton)
48. A grave keeper is corrupted by an evil power released from the ground while digging graves. With his new powers, he starts animating corpses from the grave. ( u/mrboom74)
49. A small town is in an uproar after their town hero was murdered in cold blood. A reward has been placed on the head of the murderer, who fled to the hills. (Based on Bill Hickok) (u/mrboom74)
50. A doppelgänger has killed the mayor and assumed his role as the town leader. The town is flooded with rumors of the mayor’s new demeanor as of late. The doppelgänger has heard of gold in the region and is hoping to exploit the town for cheap labor. (u/mrboom74)
51. Two or more rival gangs fight for rule of a mining town. (u/mrboom74)
52. An wizened, flinty-eyed man arrives in town on a small wagon, and in a few days he sets up a small general store called Delivered Wishes. He sells the usual potions and weapons, though no one knows where they come from. However, if anyone browses long enough, they come across the material object they most desire. The old man will give it to them, but for a price. Whoever buys the desired object is told to spread the word about the shop, is called on psychically in a few days’ time by the old man(a devil in disguise) to murder another townsperson, and claim their soul for him. Soon, the whole town is at war, and the only way the PCs can break the deals made is by killing the devil. (u/grimoireofstrangers)
53. The PCs are hired by two prospecting dwarves to clear out an abandoned mine just outside of an up-and-coming town, which they say has a serious phase spider problem. As it turns out, the phase spiders are the ravenous pets of a Drow cult living underneath the town. (u/grimoireofstrangers)
54. A man from a remote village or settlement has gone missing - local elders believe him to be possessed by a Wendigo. (u/yuckscott)
55. a crew of prospectors panning for gold have mistakenly trespassed on land claimed by territorial Gnolls ( u/yuckscott)
56. A ritualistic shaman invites the party on a "spirit quest" - which involves ingesting psychedelic cacti and viewing things that may come to pass. ( u/yuckscott)
57. A crew of prisoners condemned to railroad construction duty have escaped, taking the company's blasting munitions along with them.( u/yuckscott)
58. A local bandit leader shows up in town, calling out the local sheriff/marshal/lawman to face him.(u/yuckscott)
59. The town saloonkeeper offers a highly toxic and potent new form of home-distilled alcohol, which he refers to simply as "Coffin Polish"(u/yuckscott)
60. The town gunsmith has been robbed, and among the stolen items is a one-off prototype for his signature quadruple-barrel shotgun.( u/yuckscott)
61. The party comes across three dead bodies in the middle of a clearing in a graveyard. They appear to have killed each other in a standoff. On one of the bodies is a note with a name of one of the people buried at the graveyard. If they Dig it up, they find gold. (u/ComfortablyYou)
62. Last week, the sheriff hung a werewolf. Now, he's back, and he needs to be hung again and shot with a silver bullet. In that order.(u/Holy_Hand_Grenadier)
63. The well is being held hostage by a desperate water elemental. If the party can get him to a river, he'll let the townsfolk have the water. Otherwise, he'll fight to keep it until his last... Not breath, exactly.( u/Holy_Hand_Grenadier)
64. A magical gunsmith wants to use an abandoned ranch for a workshop. He'll pay handsomely for the removal of its current inhabitants, the ghosts of the cowboys who used to live there. (u/Holy_Hand_Grenadier)
65. A group of jackalwere have been harassing ranchers and stealing cattle and sheep. Tracking them down leads the party to a canyon were their mistress, a hag skinwalker, is planning a blood ritual. (u/Brand_News_Detritus)
66. A watering hole that's been infested by a water weird conjured by a land baron trying to drive the property owners off their homestead.(u/Brand_News_Detritus)
67. A circle of druids who can all wildshape into horses (the Circle of the Stampede). They roam the plains, attacking those who wantonly kill the animals of the prairie and attack mining expeditions scaring the land.(u/Brand_News_Detritus)
68. A traveling medicine man who’s secretly a warlock. His cures and tonics all work as advertised but also charm townsfolk into the service of the warlock’s patron.(u/Brand_News_Detritus)
69. A band of gunslingers clearly not from around here that ride giant predatory birds instead of horses.(u/Brand_News_Detritus)
70. A pride of griffons have roosted on a tall bluff near a ranching town and have been killing cows and horses owned by the locals for months. So far no one’s been able to climb the bluff and kill/chase them out.(u/Brand_News_Detritus)
71. An emissary of an archfey is fighting the emissary of an archdevil for who gets the right to appear to travelers at a particular crossroad and offer them a deal.(u/Brand_News_Detritus)
72. People warn not to go in to the towns graveyard at night, as it is haunted by the undead. The townsfolk leave there dead at the borders of the graveyard, as they think it is the only thing keeping the undead at bay. When night comes, a thick mist roles over the tombstones obscuring everything from the knee down. Wandering the graveyard is a shovel wielding skeleton, dressed in dirty, torn clothes. The skeleton is not hostile, and instead it wanders the graveyard digging and burying the dead. The skeleton is the only undead creature in the graveyard. (u/ADangDirtyBoi)
73. The sheriff asks the adventurers to accompany a farm hand back home. He came to town the night before, talking about a large, dead looking tree with a number of nooses hanging off its branches. It appeared not too far from the farm one night, and got closer each night since. He was sent to town to fetch some help. When the group returns with him, they find the place abandoned. After some investigation they find five people hanging from the tree in the centre of the farm. (u/ADangDirtyBoi)
74. As they’re travelling the group there’s someone shouting for help. In the distance, someone is perched atop a rock with three axe beaks angrily standing around the rock trying to get to them. Their horse is dead and laying on the ground in front of the rock. They can’t offer much, but they do have a map that is meant to lead to an abandoned mine not too far from here.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
75. As the sun gets close to setting, a large black carriage rolls in to town and stops not too far from the bank. The carriage driver is obscured by dark robes, and on closer inspection the horses drawing the carriage are not alive - they’re constructs - with red gem stone eyes, shaped metal bodies and steam coming front heir noses. Not too soldierly after, the carriage launches open revealing five bandits who and a large crank operated Gatling gun with crystals placed at the end of the barrels. As the gunner opens fire on the bank, it’s revealed to fire beams of magic rather than bullets.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
76. While travelling at night, the group stumbles upon a still burning campfire in the distance. When they arrive at the fire, there are a number of dots available for them, with one extra. If they stay at the fire for longer than an hour, a stranger approaches in a trench coat, the brim of his hat sat low. He greets the group in a friendly manner, before lifting his hat to reveal his glowing gold eyes.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
77. While travelling, the group here’s a shout from somewhere nearby. Upon quick investigation, they realise that not too far away their is a tall, but scrawny half Orc with his head sticking out of a hole in the ground. He is surrounded by holes in the ground, and covered in dirt, and with a bandana wrapped around his face he makes for a strange sight. With an eccentric personality and speech, I’m he asks for help to find and dig up the treasure that he is sure is in the area (happy to split it 50/50 with the group). A quick glance at the map shows he is in the completely wrong spot, but someone in the party remembers a landmark on the map was only a few miles back.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
78. At night in an abandoned and completely run down ghost town, lingering spirits wander around mournfully trying to perform the actions they would have in life. The spirits try to speak with and involve people on their activities, as if they were still alive, but they don’t act in a hostile manner unless provoked. In the base of the run down mansion, when searched through, there is a small jade idol with gold details, carved to look like a skull. If someone takes it, they hear echoing wails from outside as the ghosts become aggressive spectres.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
79. A limping jackal approaches the campfire, bowing its head and acting in a frightened manner. If the group acts in a hostile way it flees, but if not it approaches the friendliest character and tries curl up next to them and rest. When everyone goes to sleep, whoever is on watch or guard for the night here’s something behind them, but when they turn they are overcome with drowsiness and fall asleep. In the meowing when they wake, wealth and magic items are missing with human tracks that turn in to jackal tracks leading from the camp sight.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
80. Buzzards are circling in the distance, a body lying underneath. When the group approaches and a shoo the birds they find a parched and near death female water genasi, babbling about the “Hidden Oasis”.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
81. A gnome with a large curled moustache and no hair sets up a small travelling store pulled by a short donkey. The store has the imagery of a snake in a bottle as it’s simple, and the gnome offers a range of specialised potions and tonics, all of which have a serpent theme. Though they seem to work at first, they all have a draw back.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
82. A stranger wanders in to town keeping to herself, and taking a seat at the corner of the bar. After an adventure partakes in a gambling activity, she joins in shortly after , but still keeping to herself. After winning a few rounds, she asks the adventures if they’d like to make a bet for something “a bit more interesting”, staying deliberately ambiguous about what she offers. If they agree, her eye’s glow with a pale blue light and a smile breaks across her lips stretching to an unnaturally wide amount.(u/ADangDirtyBoi)
83. A centaur cowboy who's herding a large group of cattle. Although his cattle appear to have slightly demonic traits and are more aggressive than the average bovine. He's learned a little bit of wizardry and shocks them if they ever get bitey. Apparently the meat of demon cows is much better than regular meat. (u/Quantext609)
84. Late in the night, the party hears shouting and singing in Sylvan. Should they investigate, the find a group of pronghorn antelope themed satyrs. The satyrs are friendly and offer the PCs a smoke from an ornately carved pipe. If a PC accepts, they must make a DC 16 con save. On a success, they gain a glimpse into tomorrow’s events, gaining one use of the Divination wizards portent ability. On a failed save they are rendered incapacitated for 1d6 + 1 hours while they vividly hallucinate. (u/Ljmroper)
85. The pcs find a group of cactus dryads enjoying a pleasant view over the desert. If approached peacefully they offer a few cactus fruits that act like the spell good berry. (u/Ljmroper)
86. The players find a dried up skeleton of what seems to be a cow or bull. On closer inspection it’s a Minotaur. (u/Ljmroper)

Previous | First
DISCLAIMER: I do not claim to own any of the ideas or worlds described in the story. The ‘They are Smol’ universe is the intellectual property of u/TinyPrancingHorse. Nothing in the story is canon to his universe, and I’d suggest you visit his writings if you love wholesome stories about humans being human.

• Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tinyprancinghorse
  
• TPH Author Page: https://www.reddit.com/HFY/wiki/authors/tinyprancinghorse#wiki_they_are_smol
  
• TaS Series Page: https://www.reddit.com/HFY/wiki/series/they_are_smol
  
• TaS Discord Link: https://discord.gg/hSAj9qW
  
• TaS Twitter Link: http://twitter.com/TheyAreSmol
  

—|—|—|—
ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER:
This story was NOT written by me. It was, instead, created by the beautiful and certainly not a snake-person “@not-a-jornissian” (currently @spookwoodle) on the They Are Smol discord. I was given permission to post his wonderful story on his behalf, so please direct all praise to him. I’m just the messenger. He’s the good writer.
—|—|—|—
ADDITIONAL ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER
“You’ve read They Are Smol. You’ve enjoyed They Are Smol (If you haven’t, well, prepare to not enjoy this one either). But this is smols like you’ve not seen them before. This is extreme smolness with a lemon twist: smols fucked up big time in this one, and Earth, well… Earth is empty of smols. At least the ayys hope so, because it’s fallout time back there. The ones that got away — and let’s face it, it was all of them that were left — had no place to go. Homeless, smol and needing protecting, they were taken in. For the lucky ayys out there, they’re our smols.
This is a not-so-serious slice of life alternate universe where the entire population of Earth - what was left after the dead man’s switch was flipped and the nukes successfully irradiated the planet - was evacuated en masse and then taken in by the galactic civilization at large.
I’ll probably write a few more in this silly, comfy alternate timeline to expand on what’s different, but don’t take it too seriously, okay?
So, without further ado...”
—|—|—|—

Part 5: Murder Darts

“So… this says… the… ball is red. Really? haven’t we covered this page before? But… what’re all these extra details if I turn on—”
“[Whoops! You’re not quite ready for all that yet. It’s too complicated.]”
“I’m not a child you know!”
I pouted — I could feel the pout even though I felt stupid for acting this way — as Cherry turned off the extra details in the ‘book’ I was reading. The ‘book’ was a typical alien affair, a lightweight yet sturdy device with one large screen that could be rolled up or folded, was touch sensitive, could speak in multiple languages — including my own — and held vastly more than just the one nursery-level story adventure about a bright red ball that I was reading for probably the fifth time.
The book actually held a good chunk of the sum of all Senate-species books produced over the last however-many thousands of years. It was a standard data terminal given to pre-schoolers when they were practicing their reading and writing. It kept my place between lessons with cherry little creatures that I presumed were native to karnakia and helpfully gave me tips on how to improve my reading comprehension skills with their happy animations and infinite patience.
It patronized me even more than Cherry did.
I was using it to learn Karnakian and Galactic Standard Script, a midway language that was fully computable and logically consistent. Nobody natively spoke GalScript, but it was used as the go-between in all translators, including my own collar. It was also used galaxy wide as the standard script for all multi-species documentation, signage and other written communication. That now included all official Terran-Senate communication.
Humans were learning it en masse as part of our integration tasks, even those not living with the aliens on a daily basis. The GalNet news stations were reporting on the difficulty working with Newport on Mars which had proclaimed itself a sovereign state for the benefit of humans only, but the independent colonies were picking it up well, as were Luna and United Earth Government members on the moon.
In some ways, for the people in my position, it was harder to learn GalScript than for those in the colonies. We had our translators and our benefactors looking out for us, and it was stupidly easy to put puppy dog eyes to good use. With the way they fell over backwards to give us everything we could ever want, I for one didn’t quite have the strength to not take advantage of it. It didn’t work in the colonies where human teachers were quite able to be harsh enough for their students, of any age, to get them to shape up or ship out.
Newport, of course, didn’t want to pay ball in general. They weren’t entirely anti alien, but they definitely weren’t interested in becoming part of the Senate at large. The Martian city was being built with the lowest, sturdiest technology available that the Senate were willing to give unrestricted access to. It was comparably cramped, smelly, dirty and a far cry from the comfortable, airy, well-appointed quarters I enjoyed. True to their word though, the Senate were air-dropping materiel and machines from orbit, and hadn’t set scaly hide, talon, paw, claw or feathered backside on Mars, nor would they so long as the colony remained viable.
Of course, I didn’t have any pretensions that showing the naked truth of non-integrated living wasn’t deliberate propaganda by the Senate, and part of the effort to integrate the majority of mankind into the galactic community at large, but it was the truth.
“But… why won’t you turn it back on?” Annoyingly, puppy dog eyes weren’t working this time.
“[No. You’re not ready for it. You can barely manage your lessons as it is! You’re not ready for that level of detail, not yet, it’ll just distract you and you’ll make no progress at all.]”
I narrowed my eyes, poking at the screen attempting to turn it all back on, but Cherry had used her ‘parental permissions’ to lock me out. “That’s very fair of you, stifling my inquisitive nature.”
Cherry fluffed up angrily. “[Okay… you asked for it. Holoprojection, data display, level [ten] Galactic Standard Script, last spoken phrase by [Dean].]”
There was a burst of light as the dwelling’s holoprojector activated. The room flooded with information. I was almost blinded. All that for a simple phrase?
“[Here is the basic meaning, that you believe I am a fair and just giver of knowledge… but that’s not what you meant, was it? No, the modifier noted by this axis negates the normal adjective of that clause, actually inverting it. The predicate and arguments here show your emotional state, a frustration with the boundaries given, implying I think you are a rowdy chick who is anxious to show off his first moult before the feathers are even full. Do you want me to go on?]”
I grumbled, swiping to ‘turn the page’. “The ball is bouncy and… pretty.”
“And if you’d been paying attention you’d know you were being asked to provide the extra meanings from these words this time. It means the ball is ‘rubbery’ and ‘pretty’ and ‘attractive’ and ‘interesting’.” Cherry clucked, dismissing the light show with a wave of her talons. She then sat down again and gently but insistently turned off the book, pulling me into her feathery embrace as she made herself comfortable in the reading nook hollow of the den.
“[You have time, [Dean]. You have plenty of time to learn. It is hard to learn a new language, especially GalScript. Would you rather try Karnakian again?]” Cherry gestured and the holo-emitters fired up once more.
I couldn’t speak Karnakian, but I was doing a relatively good job of learning to read it, even if that was through—
“[Dancing through the stars! We found them! [One and all!] Upon their green world, blue sky and waters! [All the colours!] Come to us, small heroes! Defend your lands from terror! TALONS! TEETH! WARMTH OF HEART! SMALL HEROES!]”
—cartoons. I didn’t know whether to be amused or insulted, but [Small Hero Colourful Friend Defence Team] was certainly popular and I never missed an episode, though plenty of snobs said the Karnakian vis-dub — somehow the show was being produced in English, like some sort of reverse alien anime — was unfaithful to the English original. It featured a band of alien children who accidentally washed up on a version of Earth that was in danger of being attacked by evil space pirates and plundered for their cute denizens and other riches. Through quick thinking, magical powers granted by talking trees and technology from ancient machines, the children aided by their human allies sent the dastardly space pirates packing in episode after episode. I watched it in Karnakian, and had the house systems translate into both English and Karnakian subtitles.
The Senate had tried to ban it from being displayed on Zephyr stations, but that ban had been about as effective as you’d expect. With all their technology, they’d seemingly forgotten about things like the Streisand Effect. In moments from the initial premier, it was the hottest traded commodity from the restricted pile, so much so that they just gave up and looked the other way when it was surreptitiously rebroadcast on the local datanets.
Come to think of it, allowing [Small Hero Colourful Friend Defence Team] to flourish may have been the simplest way to let off steam and avoid even more sensitive shows becoming so highly sought after.
I settled into the cool floof as Cherry combed my hair. Karnakians enjoyed grooming each other almost as much as Dorarizin did, but human hair fascinated them even more than usual. I had to be stern during such sessions or she’d be putting bows in again. Karnakians adored fetishes in their feathers and manes, but I wasn’t quite so fond of the idea.
“I just don’t like feeling stupid,” I grumbled. I was working with material that aliens practically a tenth my age — or so it felt — had already mastered. Cherry shuffled about in the seating hollow we were in, clearly distressed.
“[You’re not stupid,]” she said, swaddling me with her wing-like arms. “[You’re brave and clever and smart… you’ll learn soon enough.]”
I was saved from further platitudes and ruminations by Chuck’s return. The other member of our household was on a staggered shift compared to Cherry, but during the on-station evening they were both home most of the time as they had me to look after. He noisily shook himself out as he crossed the threshold, unbuttoning his waistcoat and dropping his sash onto a nearby hook. He kicked his shoes — more ceremonial claw-guards than what I would call actual footwear — across the room into a corner before stretching out in a long karnakian sigh, rattling his fur-like feathers as he did so.
“Long day?” I asked. Chucky just ducked his head in a karnakian nod, gesturing for the house to widen the pit so he could join us.
“[The [humans] with children are mostly safe, but we had a whole commune to evacuate in one go, all of them malnourished, many of them sick. They were… they were very scared.]”
Cherry nibbled at his neck-fluff where the desert-dweller’s scalier hide gave way to the thin, reed-like fur-spikes. “[They are safe now, they will learn not to fear us.]”
“[I wish they had learned quicker.]” Unsaid was that something had happened, but it was written large across his features, so plain that even I could read it. He may not have been on the ground, but he still got telemetry and co-ordinated raw, unfiltered video feeds.
“You do your best, that’s all you can do. Sometimes it’s not enough. Like Cherry says, they’re scared. As far as some of them know, they lost a war. For all they know, you might find humans as irresistibly tasty as you do cute.”
If pointing out how I was basically a cross between an exotic pet and a child made them upset, you can imagine how saying that made them feel. It was the closest thing to anger with me that I’d seen.
“[How could you—!]”
“[Don’t even joke—!]”
“[We would never!]”
“[Unthinkable!]”
“I’m sorry! It was just a joke! A joke!”
“[Horrible!]”
“[To suggest such…!]”
It took me until after the episode had finished — it’s not like we didn’t have the whole season so far downloaded, this episode included, but it’s the principle of the thing — to calm them down.
On reflection, I felt sorry for what I’d said, truly sorry. By now I’d heard enough rumours to understand that they’d accidentally yet badly injured a human during the initial first contact and that this whole mess was kind of their fault. For me, I tended to see it as taking two to tango, what with the whole nuclear fallout thing. It certainly wasn’t Karnakian missiles that destroyed my home after all.
Most Karnakians were rather straightforward and honest people, loving to a fault. For them, they could never forgive themselves for the absolute travesty that First Contact had turned into, it would be generations before the hurt would fade. With their lifespans being at least a thousand of our years, that meant grieving and pain for a span as long as a good chunk of recorded history so far. My life pre-contact, whilst comfortable by historical standards, was a far cry from the modern amenities I now enjoyed in their care. The kind of dark humour that I was used to made them uncomfortable at the best of times, and to even joke about eating sentients was beyond the pale.
“I’m sorry Cherry, Chucky. Come here… I’m sorry, really.” I pulled their heads down towards mine, bumping foreheads. The standard expression on Karnakians easily translated to ‘angry’ for humans who were uninitiated, but I’d learned to read past that. They were sad and hurt.
“You can forgive your [dilligent little school chick] can’t you?” I looked up at them, wide-eyed and innocent. I couldn’t speak Karnakian, but I could speak GalScript, or at least the standardized Terran pronunciation of it… when aided by the house’s holo-projector and my collar. It was below the belt, really, but as much as they knew I was a full adult, something about us humans just screamed ‘wobbly helpless chick’.
Chucky was the first to fold. He closed his eyes. “[I forgive you, little one,]” he sighed. “[I t-try so hard…]”
I made small, soothing noises, patting his side. I picked at his feathery fur around his head in an attempt to groom him, and a few moments later he was doing the same to my hair.
“Who’s my big strong Karnakian EM Squire? I know you’re the best on the boards. And Mommy is such a friendly, helpful Karnakian too, isn’t she? You’re both doing a great job at saving humans like me, I know you are.”
Cherry squawked in annoyance, gently picking me up and pretend-snapping her teeth across my face and down my chest in an impromptu grooming session, it was similar to having a large dog slobber all over you, only worse.
“[How many times have I told you not to call me that!?]”
“Daddy! Mommy is being mean to me!” I mock-pouted, rubbing the knuckles of my fist on Cherry’s face as she fluffed up in annoyance.
“[You’re not helping your case you know!]” Cherry continued, but by now even Chucky was laughing, trilling helplessly as tears rolled down his muzzle. The tension slowly leaked out of both of them, though I knew I’d be getting grumbled at later. For now though, it meant we could finally wind down as a strange family.
It was a bad habit, perhaps, but I let myself fall asleep held by either or both of the Karnakians. I don’t think I’ve found anything quite so comfortable as an oversized alien space-raptor for a couch. I had my own bed, of course, but I let them take me to it. Don’t look at me like that! I know how you fall asleep watching the telly, and how you’ve never watched all of Star Wars and you used to wake up only half way through the credits. This is pretty much the same, just with less steps.
When I woke up again, it was still ‘night’. That didn’t matter for me though, I’d had enough sleeping for a while and really needed to get out, to clear my head. I didn’t want to wake Cherry and Chucky this early — they, we, had a joint free shift in the ‘morning’ — so I’d make do with just the emergency glow from my collar to get me to the front door. I’d shucked my pants when I’d gone to bed proper, now I pulled them on as quietly as possible, cussing only infrequently as I struggled to get the legs the right way around. A few minutes later and I was out the front door.
Looking back at the house, it remained dark. Streetlights, sensing my motion, slowly grew in brightness until their blue-green glow suffused the area with a friendly light. I took a deep breath of the ‘night’ air, it was fresher and cooler at this time of day, rolling in from the park found spinwards and aft of our house. The center of this cylindrical residential zone was speckled with mobile drones full of lights and holo-effectors that could make the space above the houses look like anything from outer space to a chasm on a distant moon — every so often someone would get to pick a vista for it to display — but right now it was showing the stars as they would appear outside, as if I were on the inside of a partially see-through tube floating in space. Beautiful, but eerie. The lights of other dwellings twinkled distantly on the other side of the ‘arch’. Beneath my feet, the rough and regular footwalks stretched onwards through the habitable zone as it stretched right the way around to the opposite side of the tube, above me, and back down again the other side behind.
I made sure my collar was happy about my relatively unplanned constitutional, the last thing I wanted was to wake everybody up with the silent alarm causing the station security forces to lock the whole floor down and descend en masse, then started walking up the street.
This arcology platform was something else. I was living in suburbia, in space. Despite being quadrillions of tonnes of exotic alloys, it was practically able of landing on a planet — not that it was supposed to — and came complete with its own gravity generators. Where I’d expected our apartment to be down some meandering space corridor with a door like any other, it wasn’t. It was a relatively uniform yet distinct house, complete with garden, babbling brook and patio, just the way Cherry and Chucky liked it. I liked it too, but I had places to go. A hover-skimmer soon descended on my position, picking me up. There was no driver and no charge, the perfect taxi.
“Charlie’s,” I said. The taxi interrogated my collar, picked out where I meant and then accelerated at speed, the inertial dampers meaning I couldn’t even feel it as the scenery first fell away then sped past below me. A few minutes later, I was entering the ‘downtown’ district, the next floor ‘down’, aft of my own.
From the air — and we weren’t all that high up, we were after all inside a space-station — the ‘downtown’ district was a blaze of neon. Dropping to ‘floor’ level on the inside of the cylinder’s walls, the taxi slowed to a halt, the gull-wing doors rising up as I stepped out. Here the lights were less dazzling, the sidewalks less gargantuan. This was ‘little Terra’, a home away from home for us humans, especially when the ‘babysitters’ were sleeping. It was almost disorientating when the door was normal sized for once, and it somehow felt… not cramped, but the ceiling being a normal height — at least in the patron side of the bar — was kind of intimate. Even the outside of the buildings were hauntingly familiar, in a strange kind of fashion.
“Hey Reshy, had a good one so far?” I asked the bartender.
“[Starting to warm up,]” replied Chrlesshnethggrethraf noncomitally. He reached up, took down a pint glass and pulled a pint of cider for me. The red and white striped adder-type slid the glass across the top of the bar. I took it gratefully.
“Put it on my tab.”
“[You know you don’t have a tab, right?]”
I snorted, taking a swig. “You say that every time. It’s the principle of the thing.”
“[Same here.]”
I grinned, then wandered over to the jukebox and dropped in a few of the fake coins passed around — for some reason, they had pictures of random humans on them instead of any specific monarchs, along with writing on the other side in a variety of alien languages — before punching buttons on the deliberately clunky interface. Tunes from my home blared over the speakers as I sank into the ratty yet comfortable seats. The fake patina was slowly being replaced by real stains, and although it looked dog-eared, I knew it was meant to but was in fact as new as the rest of the human adaptations to this space station.
Taking another swig of cider, I finally started to relax. Thinking back on the day — evening, for ‘Mommy’ and ‘Daddy’ — I reasoned that Cherry, Chucky, and in fact not only all the karnakians but all the resident aliens, were doing their best to set right what they’d set wrong, even if it didn’t always feel like it. I figured that was because I didn’t see the full situation back on Earth with the holdouts who, rightly or wrongly, were scared of the aliens. Instead I was here, in absolute comfort, because I wasn’t.
I guess that’s why I came to places like Charlie’s. ‘Charlie’ may have been a Jornissian, but the rest of the denizens were, broadly speaking, humans. This was what Cherry and Chucky were working towards, the ability for us humans to have our own culture once more, our own space. I just wasn’t sure the aliens were ready for it.
“Okay, are we ready?” Ollie, special forces vet, was acting as referee tonight. A stalwart Northerner from the UK, he was keeping the peace between Ivan and Seamus, at opposite ends of one side of the room. The crowd was cheering them on.
“Murder darts! Murder darts! Murder darts!” The chanting started up, getting louder and rowdier as the excitement built up.
“Aye, I’m ready,” Seamus said, once Ollie had gained a modicum of control over the crowd. He took a swig from his own bottle as he eyed the shots in front of him.
“Da! Let us begin!” Ivan said, hammering his chest with one hand.
The chanting started up again after that. “Murder darts! Murder darts!”
“I want a clean competition, one drink, one shot, alright? Okay, go!”
Each competitor took a shot of the clear liquid in front of them, then took aim, and...
“Ooohh!”
The crowd winced as one as twin darts sank into the two competitors. One in the arm of Seamus, and one in the shoulder of Ivan. With the medical abilities of the aliens being so far ahead of hours, otherwise debilitating injuries were more or less just an annoyance. Hence, pastimes like ‘murder darts’ had grown in popularity, where injuring yourself or someone else was the aim of the game.
“Give up yet, ya pansy?” Seamus taunted, pulling his dart out. A dribble of blood ran down his arm
“Go cry to your mama,” Ivan retorted, slamming back another drink. He flicked the dart in his shoulder contemptuously to the floor. Seamus took another shot.
“Remember! Miss, and your opponent gets a free shot, their choice of dart or drink!”
“Ivan will not miss.” Ivan took his shot, and took a shot.
“What, you think I’m gonna back out? Feck off.” Seamus did the same.
Two more darts went sailing across the room, more drinks were knocked back, followed by another pair of drinks and another pair of darts. Money changed hands, though in the strange situation we humans found ourselves it was more a set of IOU’s. Eventually, the whole initial row of shots was emptied, their glasses upturned. Both competitors looked a little woozy, but that was because they’d not been drinking on an empty stomach. They’d put alcohol in it first.
“Alright gents! Warmup’s over! Neither of our stars are backing down! It’s time for another round!”
The clear gutrot was once more portioned out, and soon darts once again went flying across the room, finding their targets, though with a wider dispersal now. Some of them did miss, usually to be replaced by a drink from the victor. Off to one side, separate games of ‘punch-face’ were starting up, where the winner of a timed downing of a pint got to punch the loser in the face before having another pint. Things were getting interesting. Having sunk several double shots of my own in addition to a number of pints of cider — quite how many, I was no longer sure — I got up from my seat to move a little closer, maybe take a part in the betting. Unfortunately, several others had the same idea and a pint glass caught my elbow, to get sent flying over me and its owner.
“Oi! What the fuck do you fink yer doin’?”
“Oh shut up you gibbon,” I retorted, words slurred as I wiped myself down, livid. “If you’d looked where you were going—”
“What the fuck did you call me?” I was interrupted by the gibbon in question, all greasy hair and dragging knuckles, and barely a single pair of brain cells to rub together.
“I said you’re a gibbon, you half-witted, window-licking, crayon-eating, knuckle-dragging simpleton, waving your stupid hands all around instead of watching where you’re going. You’ve got your piss-water all over me!”
His friend squared up. “I think you’d better apologize, you little shit.”
I sniffed. “Alright. I’m sorry your friend is a half-witted, window-licking, crayon eating, knuckle-dragging simpleton. Sorry your girlfriend—”
In hindsight, that may have not been the right answer. Live and learn. Predictably perhaps, the gibbon drew back his hand, made a fist, and punched me in the face. I was sent staggering backwards through the rapidly parting crowd into Ivan, who slipped with his dart and sent it sinking into Ollie, who slapped two others in their faces, spilling their drinks, which set them off and the rowdy game of murder darts devolved into a rousing rumble.
“Sassenach!”
“Limey bastard!”
“Come on then! One at a time or all at once, ya slags! I’ll nut ya!”
By this time, chairs were flying across the room, the wooden floor was stained with beer and blood, glass littered the tables, Charlie had put up the blast screen, and as for me, I found myself heartily defenestrated. I rolled to a stop outside in the road as a whole pack of armoured dorarizin descended from rapid-response troop carriers. Drones buzzed around, lights piercing the otherwise dark streets, as the peacekeeper forces arrived.
For some reason, at least one of them was wearing what appeared to be a British policeman’s outfit, the strangely bell-shaped archaic hat on his head looking rather out of place. He bent down and cleared his throat as a circle of light surrounded us two in particular.
“[You’re [nicked], [mate],]” he said, through a thick mask that was probably intended to prevent the inevitable dorarizin hug that followed unscented humans and instead made him look like a nightmare in metal, leather and fangs. “[Did that translate properly?]”
I burbled something through the blood streaming out of my cut lip in rough assent and he nodded, seemingly satisfied. At some point after that, the world went dark.
Chr'ter trilled softly in annoyance as the call was resolutely passed through both the privacy and courtesy firewalls and filters, waking her up. The house systems did their best not to intrude during bedtime, but when you do have to handle a priority communication, intruding comes as part of the job.
“|Hello? ...Yes, I am Chr’ter of House Tr’ck’rk’tktk, what…|” she stifled a yawn, feeling all the feathers down her back flutter, her tail-fans cramping, “|what can I do for…|” She sat up straighter as the voice on the other end of the line — audio only for privacy’s sake at this time of night — inquired whether she had one ‘Softy Tr’ck’rk’tktk’ as a part of her Family.
“|By Br’nk’trrr’s last feather,|” she swore. She took a deep breath. “|I do, is this — yes, the local peacekeepers, I under — no, no, he’s a good boy, he’d never… injured? My baby is injured? If you’ve hurt him I’ll tear every scale from your… just you try to charge me with verbal assault and I’ll have your hide! What did you do to my baby!? Chrk’chrk, get up! Right now!|”
“|Rrff? Mff? Wha’?|” Chrk’chrk was kicked in the face by a very agitated Chr’ter. He circled his jaw and shook his head, making sure nothing was injured. “|My prr’nktun blossom, what is it?|”
“|The [peacekeepers]! They’re holding our baby prisoner! He’s been arrested by the not-so Noble-Family-Hunters-Yearning-For-Life!|”
For a brief moment, Chrk’chrk was still, then a low, rattling growl emanated from deep within his body. “|Ripped pinions, tell them we will be there momentarily and that they had better have a very, very good explanation.|”
The call was cut on a frantic jornissian as she tried to calm things down. She decided clocking off early was probably a good idea as the equivalent of a dial-tone was her only companion.
“[Hi [Mommy], hi [Daddy],]” The little-needs-protecting croaked out, smiling through the gaps in his missing teeth as he tried his best ‘little lost chick’ act. It was a bit of a stretch, given how he was currently lying on a relatively spartan bench in a plascrete cell, in the middle of the detention block. His soul-lights were a whirl of painkillers, inebriation and injuries barely suppressed by nano-meds. He was also rather worried about his ultimate fate this night, as he should be.
“|Don’t you try that with us! What did you think you were doing?|” rumbled Chrk’chrk, his spiny feathers rattling. Chr’ter, however, had other things on her mind than her errant’s ‘chick’s behaviour.
“|You have him restrained? In [handcuffs]? Are you a [barbarian]!? Let him free this instant!|”
“[Miss, it is customary in his society—]” the jornissian civilian safety officer tried to explain, but Chr’ter had her back feathers rising and there was a low growl emanating from her throat. Her tail-fans widened and she tried very, very hard not to gouge the floor with her claws.
“|He is not in his society right now, he is in mine and if you do not start treating my baby with a little bit more care I will show you—|”
“|[Burnished feather of the morning light], please calm down. There is already one member of our family in trouble, we do not need another,|” said Chrk’chrk soothingly, trying his best to keep his own feather-spikes down. He then turned to the jornissian that was standing to one side in the grey detention block of the peacekeeper’s station and narrowed his eyes, forked tongue flicking over his lips. “|On the [flipside] of that, if you do not release him this instant I am not responsible for what may happen. He is perfectly safe to handle, and most certainly will not be escaping our tender mercies.|”
“[Un-understood… now if you would just sign this release form and-and-and w-waiver—]” Rsssthssprrktthh tried very hard to keep smiling and remembering to blink. She herself knew what it was like with children, you never forgot the feeling of their teeth as they clung to you, it made her warm even now thinking of the warm-cuddle she’d been tending, so she knew what it was like for the two Karnakians in front of her. [Dean] had been so cute, despite her being forced to keep the warm-cuddle restrained as per his society’s customs until his carers arrived to request he be relinquished from his cell.
“|Waiver?|” growled Chr’ter.
“[He, ah, was part of a public disturbance and-and-and—]”
“|How badly was he injured?|”
Rsssthssprrktthh rattled off a list of injuries, which included bruised livers, cuts and abrasions and a broken shoulder to an increasingly irate karnakian. “[But his teeth will grow back, though you may want to have him on a liquid diet for a while.]”
“|And you want me to sign a waiver for what before you will let me take him home to be properly cared for?|”
“[He was p-part of a p-public dis-disturbance and-and… and I suppose we know exactly where to find you should we require any more information! Just sign th-the release form! Here and here and… thank you he should come into a [little-needs-protecting] hospital later today or tomorrow for another standard dose of nanites, medi-skin re-application, more antitoxins for the intoxicants he digested, and removal of the quick-cast for his broken arm, but for now you are free to go and please don’t come back!]”
The jornissian signalled the cell to release its occupant, then vanished as quickly as her long, yellow and orange tail would let her. For their part, Chr’ter and Chrk’chrk turned to the widely grinning little-needs-protecting. He smelled happy, hurt, pungent from ‘alcohol’ and very, very recalcitrant. His soul-lights were also calmer now that he was back with his family.
“|You have a lot of explaining to do, [Mister],|” grumbled Chr’ter as she pulled the sliding barred door open.
“|Indeed. Just wait until your moth… er, I mean Chr’ter and I, get you home!|”
The little-needs-protecting’s face fell as he was gently, but firmly, pulled to his feet.
“|So you say you were innocent?|” Chrk’chrk asked, his feathers rippling up and down his body.
“[Honest. I was just there for some… time to myself. W-with others. I mean—]”
“|With others of your own kind. We understand. Just… that’s a… a bad part of town—|” Chr’ter stated.
“[Hey!]”
“|Sorry, but it is. And then you got into this… riot?|” Chrk’chrk continued.
“[I didn’t mean to! I wasn’t going to get involved in anything dangerous or illegal when I went out!]”
“|At least you’re safe now,|” Chr’ter said, fussing over Softy’s injuries. She yawned, fluffing herself up as she pulled the injured little-needs-protecting into her embrace. “|Now all we need to do is relax a little. Maybe put the holoprojector on whilst we wake up properly.|”
“|...In local news today, there was an altercation with the [little-needs-protectings] at a bar colloquially known as [Charlie’s]. A fight broke out over a dangerous game known as [murder darts] went awry during an illegal betting session.|”
“|You WHAT!?|” Chr’ter felt the little-needs-spankings tense up in her grasp as she heard and saw the news footage.
“|The instigator of the fight has been identified and appears to be one [Softy Tr’ck’rk’tktk], and will be—|”
“|YOU ARE SO GROUNDED!|”