Hello everyone!
To repeat what the title said, ten months ago I responded to a prompt:

[WP] When out in the woods, you discover a cave that leads to a world that operates under Pokémon logic... And find that you have an innate ability to tame the monsters of this world.

The idea absolutely gripped me - and now I’ve published a novel inspired by that prompt and my love of monster taming games! Here’s the details:

Two suns, foreign plants, and a whole slew of monsters to tame.
Amateur entomologist and reluctant Life Scout, Caleb finds far more than he expected when he stumbles through a hidden cave and into a new world full of Kritt - monsters that can be tamed and taught to fight. He also didn’t expect evil overlords and their minions looking to use the power of Kritt to grind this world under their bootheel.
Unless someone stops them, that is.
Once meeting Antoinette, an affectionate ant Kritt that bonds with Caleb, and Karla, a tamer of this world that’s living off the land and preparing to strike back against the Darkholds, they set off. Their goal? Help free the people of this world from the Overseer’s grasp. A mountain’s worth of threats stand in their way, though: the Overseer’s soldiers, terrible abominations, wild Kritt, and all the trouble Caleb’s sarcastic mouth can cause.
Welcome, Caleb, to the world of Kritt. Now evolve - or perish.

Into the Tall Grass is a Portal Fantasy/Isekai book with strong gamelit elements.
FAQ
Harem/Sex/Murder?
Nope. This story is designed to capture the feel of those classic games, and while it does have higher stakes than those games, it is designed to capture the light-hearted feel that we all love.
Audiobook?
Nothing yet announced, but I’ll update if there is one!
Stats?
Into the Tall Grass is a stat light gamelit, and the stats do not appear explicitly until later in the book once Caleb gets his totally-not-a-Pokedex goggles. The later books in the series will have more detailed stats as Caleb delves further into the system that runs this world.
Shorts?
They’re comfy and easy to wear.
Where do I catch the book?
Well, you first need to learn HM Cut, go to the hole in the wall after beating the second boss...or you can just get it on Amazon
Amazon US Link - UK | CA | AU | DE | MX | JP | IN | BR | FR | ES | IT | NL
I want to sample before I pick up?
Well, good news for you - just read on!
Caleb Cooper slapped at his arm with a growl. Another mosquito. He wouldn’t have said camping was his least favorite activity in the world. Even at sixteen, he could easily imagine worse ways to spend his time. He could have his feet dipped in acid, or be stabbed in the back repeatedly, or repeat algebra. But no one was forcing him to do any of those, because he’d passed algebra and hadn’t angered any Bond villains lately.
“C’mon, try to smile some,” his dad said, walking up behind him and shaking his back. “What more could you want? We’ve got the great outdoors, we’ve got trees, we’ve got sun, we’ve got fresh air...this is perfect!”
Caleb sighed. “Oh, yeah, surrounded by kids who’re still in junior high. It’s everything a growing teen could want. Toxic plants, the sun, brats who think I’m a weirdo, the sun again...what’s not to love? You know, I could be going to a party tonight.”
His dad’s smile didn’t waver. “You do so love the party scene. I mean, the last one you went to was...Jimmy Dryer’s eighth birthday party? Getting wild up in the hizzouse there.”
“Okay, dad, I need to tell you two things. First of all, if you say hizzouse out loud, ever again, I will die. I will literally fall over dead from embarrassment. No, I know the correct definition of literally and I am using it correctly, that is actually what will happen. Do you want to be responsible for filicide via intense shame?”
“I’m positive that’s not actually possible.”
“Oh, it totally is. Remember Becky? Died last year because her mom was singing ‘Ain’t nuthin but a G Thang.’ Sure, they say Becky changed schools because they moved, but it was all a cover up. Heard her mom singing and pow!” Caleb punched a closed fist into his empty hand. “dropped over dead.”
His dad laughed. “Noted. And the second thing?”
“You might have picked up subtle hints about this, what with me mentioning it no less than two hundred and ninety eight times on the drive down here according to you. I don’t really like camping.”
There was a long pause, and his dad’s face fell. Caleb immediately winced, but it was too late. “You used to beg to go out every year, remember?”
Yeah, in like 8th grade. When all his friends had been in boy scouts with him, and he’d been able to spend time with them. But high school had come, and his friends had moved on. But the Coopers came from a long line of Eagle scouts. His dad was an Eagle Scout, his grandfather had been an Eagle Scout, and Caleb’s dad would be damned if his son wasn’t an Eagle Scout. “Right,” Caleb muttered. “Sorry, I’ll give it a chance. I’m sure once I get back in the groove it’ll be fine.”
“That’s the spirit!” His dad’s face lit back up.
Caleb gave him an expression that could have been a grin if you squint hard enough. “Awesome. I’m going to...head out.” He turned to trundle off into the woods.
“Where are you going?” his dad asked.
Caleb held up a glass. “Going to see if I can find an Acorn Weevil. There’s a lot of oaks around here, and I’d like one for the collection.”
It was the one part of the outdoors Caleb enjoyed -- catching insects. It was a bit of an odd hobby, but Caleb was a bit of a junior entomologist and enjoyed it. He was thinking about going to college for entomology after he graduated. Something about the wide variety of possible insects, finding things that people usually overlooked, categorizing them...it was calming. He had several glass cases of them pinned at home, many of them gathered from scouting trips like these.
Naturally, it was the one part of the outdoors his dad didn’t like. His father turned green and motioned for Caleb to go ahead. “Don’t wander too far!” he shouted.
Yeah, yeah. It wasn’t like he could go too far even if he wanted to. The campsite was in the middle of a series of mid-Missouri bluffs, and wandering more than an hour’s walk would inevitably lead to a solid rock wall. Or a road.
Step by step, the sounds of the rest of the boy scout troop receded in the forest behind him. Caleb let out a sigh of relief. He was the only high schooler still in the troop, and a lot of the older kids thought he had to be some kind of loser to still be doing this at his age.
They aren’t wrong, Caleb thought. Just not for the right reasons. Being a boy scout isn’t what made him a loser. It was his complete lack of social life at high school, relegated only to a few other dorks at lunch who he didn’t really hang out with, and the fact that he collected bugs when most people were going to parties or making out or getting drunk or playing video games or even playing Magic: The Gathering - that made him a loser.
That’s right. The MTG kids could look down on him for bug collecting. Was that fair? Obviously, they deserved someone who they could look down on too, and Caleb understood that unlike their weird hobby, his weird hobby was also gross. Still, didn’t he deserve the same? Someone he could silently judge and feel superior to? But, no, the only ones lower than him on the social hierarchy were kids with actual issues, and Caleb didn’t want to be that kind of jerk.
The worst part was, he felt bad for not enjoying the scouts anymore. If his dad had planned these trips as one on one things, where they could go out and find rare insects, or even some other wildlife finding things like birdwatching or something, Caleb would have loved their trips as much as he used to. Well, probably. Maybe. I’d like it better if I knew this was the alternative, Caleb amended. These days, however, he’d found most of the insects at their usual camping sights. He actually had an acorn weevil already, but there was no way his dad would remember it - since his dad didn’t really look beyond his own wants. He wanted an Eagle Scout, so an Eagle Scout Caleb would be.
Especially after what had happened with mom. Dad had become rabid about father-son activities since then. “It’s just the two of us now,” Dad said once, when he’d had a bit too much to drink after work. “Just the two of us.”
Caleb shook his head and brushed away a tree branch before it could slap him in the face. The stinging in his eyes was a good reminder why he didn’t want to go down that particular rabbit hole.
A little while later, as he had expected, Caleb found himself at one of the bluffs. It was a solid expanse of rock, covered in creeping vines. The tendrils would be crawling with acrobat ants, which made them a nice place to stop because they’d keep the wasp population down in the region. Maybe I could try to find a nest. Maybe even a queen. That thought he discarded - it would be a prize, but the only way he’d ever add an ant queen to his collection would be if he found one dead. It felt different than taking a single insect and putting it on his board. Taking a queen could wipe out an entire colony.
When I finish college, I’ll get a whole terrarium. Then I can have living ones. That way I’ll get to enjoy my insects in peace and make sure I never ever have people invite themselves over. They’ll be all ‘oh, can I come over’ and I’ll be like ‘sure, don’t mind the ants.’ And then I’ll have alienated another person! That would be better and would make him feel better about what he did. Even the knowledge that he was killing bugs sapped the fun out of his hobby. Of course, that same hobby would also guarantee his adulthood was as lonely as his teenage years, so maybe…
“Gah!” Caleb cried, and kicked a rock at the bluff. It was stupid and childish, but it helped with the frustration. He leapt to the side to avoid the rebound.
He needn’t have bothered. The rock went straight through the vines instead of plinking off the bluff. Caleb froze, then slowly started inching toward the barrier. Is that a...cave? He reached out, brushing some vines away, only to reveal a cave on the side of the cliff. It went back a good twenty or thirty feet in a crevice easily large enough for him to walk through before vanishing into darkness.
Bet I could find something new in there. He groaned. Because amateur spelunking has such a high success rate. That can’t possibly go wrong. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of...actually, I don’t know anything where amateur is a good thing.
Ignoring the warnings of his own hindbrain, something he was exceptionally good at, Caleb flipped on his flashlight. While he wasn’t a big fan of being a scout, their motto of “Be Prepared” had stuck with him more firmly than he cared to admit. Summoning his courage, he headed inside.
The cave was large enough for him to walk upright, at least. I wonder if anyone’s ever even been in here before? It was possible he was the first human to ever notice this cave hiding behind the vines, that his were the first human footsteps in this cave. Who knew what could be ahead? Hell, if it went deep enough, he might discover an entirely new species - cave ecologies were often very isolated from the rest of the world.
That thought overrode the lingering fears of going spelunking alone, and Caleb pushed ahead. To his relief, the cave didn’t really branch off anywhere, so there was only a miniscule risk he’d find himself wandering in circles. It wasn’t long until he was plunged entirely into darkness aside from his flashlight.
“You have now left the domain of the sun,” Caleb said in his best announcer voice. He’d heard that line from…was it a webcomic? Or a blog? He couldn’t remember, and that train of thought was derailed as his heart started to beat faster. The primal fear of the dark still clung to him, and he wasn’t as certain as he’d been at the outset that this was a good idea. Given he’d been fairly certain this was a terrible idea, that was saying something. Just as he was about to turn around, he saw it.
It looked like an ant, but it wasn’t like any ant Caleb had seen before. It was large, nearly a foot from mandibles to thorax, and too brightly colored to be a normal cave dweller with its exoskeleton covered in gold and black swirls. Its eyes were wrong, too, looking more like something you’d see on a mammal than on an insect. It should have been frightening, but somehow, it was oddly cute. The gentle eyes, the way it moved awkwardly, like it was a newborn that hadn’t quite grown into its legs...it had an overall appearance of helplessness. It looked up at Caleb and chirped curiously.
Holy crap. “Well, hello there,” Caleb said. “What are you?”
The strange ant chirped again. I have to catch it. It was too big for his glass jar, but that didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter that his dad would refuse to let Caleb bring it back alive. Caleb would find a way, damn it. This wasn’t just a new species, this was an insect that shouldn’t be possible. Ants didn’t get this big, and certainly not in caves. Caleb reached out a tentative hand.
What the hell are you doing? he thought. He knew nothing about the thing. It could be venomous. It could be dangerous. It was a wild animal, and he was trying to pet it?
Much to his surprise, the ant didn’t recoil from his hand or lunge at it. Instead, it studied it curiously, then rolled over on its back and began to wave its legs in the air like a cat trying to get attention, chirping happily.
Screw it. Caleb ran his fingers over the thing’s belly. It made a sound halfway between a chirp and a purr, almost like a trill. “Oh my God, I have to find a way to keep you. What do you eat?”
Not that he expected the ant to answer. He didn’t expect the ant to respond at all, besides continuing to make happy little trills as Caleb gave it a belly rub. Its exoskeleton was softer than he expected, covered with fine hairs that probably served to keep off water but also made it unimaginably soft. Already Caleb wasn’t thinking about the enormity of the discovery, he was thinking about taking it for walks around the block, or letting it chase a laser pointer.
Then, abruptly, the ant fell silent and righted itself. It hissed in Caleb’s direction.
He froze, shying back and running his hand through his own hair.. “Woah? What’s wrong? Too many tummy rubs?”
And then he realized the ant wasn’t staring at him. It was staring over his shoulder.
Caleb spun, whipping the flashlight around, and came face to face with an oncoming monstrosity. It was a bipedal insect creature with four limbs, nearly as tall as Caleb was. The upper limbs ended in vicious stingers, and the lower limbs had grasping pincers. Instead of mandibles, it had tentacles growing from under its six beady eyes.
That flashlight saved Caleb’s life. The creature shied back, its eyes glowing in the brilliant light.. The ant screeched and began to run deeper into the cave. That seemed smart. Panicked by the monstrosity, Caleb followed.
This isn’t happening. The sound of Caleb’s feet pounding against the floor of the cave filled his ears. His heartbeat joined the sound, and the light swung wildly. He was gaining on the ant. A surge of adrenaline hit, and Caleb reached down to scoop it up. The ant trilled in confusion, and lacking anything else to do, Caleb put it on his head without breaking stride. He kept running, the ant now turning behind him and shrieking more and more. It's gaining on us! Caleb could almost imagine it saying.
Then the light ahead grew bright. Without warning, he was back out into the forest, into the sun.
The monstrosity skidded to a halt near the entrance of the cave, waving its tentacles and roaring but refusing to enter the sunlight. Caleb was fine with that. Caleb was fine with doing nothing but running at a breakneck pace, his new friend sitting on his head and now trilling in defiance. Darting forward, he wove in and out of the trees, turning to avoid tripping over rocks. At one point, his vision a fog of panic, he was thought he jumped a stream.
It wasn’t until his lungs started to burn that Caleb started to slow down. A few steps later, he dropped to the forest floor, panting.
After a few minutes of gasping, he took stock of his surroundings. With dawning horror, four realizations hit him. The first was that he’d somehow run through a bluff that stretched for a hundred miles in less than a day. The second was that the trees didn’t look like anything native to Earth, let alone Missouri. That alien impression was greatly aided by the fact that there were two suns overhead, one red and one yellow, which was number three. Multiple suns were kind of a big one. Finally, and most importantly, he had completely lost track of where he was in relation to the cave.
Panic seized him, and Caleb plucked the ant off his head with shaking hands and held it across his knees, on its back. It came to Caleb so naturally that he didn’t even think about the fact that his panic response was to cuddle a strange animal until after he had. The ant looked up at him with eyes full of warmth and gratitude. “Where the hell am I?” he asked.
In response, the ant started to purr.
Chapter 2
After a bit, the ant began to struggle. “I can’t just keep calling you ‘the ant,” Caleb said to it as he put it down. The ant looked up at him and clacked its mandibles. “Hmm. Don’t know if you’re a girl and or a boy ant. Although if you’re eusocial, those terms probably don’t matter anyway. You’re not a queen or you’d be in your hive, so...are you a soldier? Or a worker?”
Maybe it was Caleb’s imagination, but the ant seemed to be happier with the word soldier. That’s probably just wishful thinking. You need to get your priorities in order, man. You’re in a world with two suns, you should be flipping out right now! And yet, he felt strangely calm. Maybe it was just because the whole thing was so surreal. Or maybe it was just because he expected at any moment to wake up back in his tent with the story of a crazy dream. Or maybe you’ve just snapped, and any moment now you’re going to realize you’re completely barking mad. Caleb shook his head. If he was dreaming or crazy, there was no point trying to figure it out. Either he’d wake up, or he’d be put in a nice padded room and given pills until he could see things normally. “How about Antoinette?” he said.
The Ant - Antoinette - began to bob its head and marched over to Caleb’s hand, pressing its head against his palm until he started to scratch it. Might as well think of you as a she, he thought. Giving her a name seemed to have done the trick, and Antoinette was now trilling and purring happily against his hand. “So, Antoinette, don’t suppose you know if I’ve gone crazy or anything, do you?”
Antoinette was not particularly eager to respond. After some time scratching and spacing out, Caleb shook his head. “If this is all real, I have to start thinking of what comes next,” he said to Antoinette. “C’mon girl, let’s get moving.” As soon as Caleb stood, Antoinette reared onto her hind legs. Smiling, Caleb scooped her up and put her on his shoulder. Even though she was nearly as long as a cat, she weighed about half as much. That, plus the long years of scouts giving Caleb at least some muscles to work with, meant she could stay on his shoulder easily. “Okay. Let’s go back and see if that thing is gone from the cave, right?”
Immediately Antoinette’s demeanor changed. She began to shiver and rubbed against his cheek. “You can’t possibly understand me,” Caleb said. Antoinette continued to shiver and rub, and Caleb decided it had to be his imagination. Even if Antoinette seemed to be more along the lines of a small mammal in terms of intelligence than an ant, there was no way she had the intelligence of a human - and even if she did, she couldn’t speak or understand English. She was probably just picking up on his nerves over returning. As he turned to retrace his steps, he reached up and began to stroke her back. “Don’t worry. If it’s still there, I won’t be going anywhere near it.”
Antoinette’s shivers seemed to subside. “Totally a coincidence,” Caleb said with a nervous chuckle. “No way you understand anything I’m saying.”
The look she sent his way could easily be called reproachful.
The trees here really weren’t like anything he’d ever seen before. They towered over his head, looking more like giant, single ferns than they did like trees. There weren’t any visible roots, they all just shot out of the ground. At the top they branched oddly, feathering into individual strands that were covered with tiny leaves that grew away from the rest of the body of the plant, maximizing the sunlight its green blade could get. It was a relief to see those tiny leaves on the trees though - up until then, between that and the giant ant, he was beginning to worry he’d somehow been shrunk and was walking among giant blades of grass.
As soon as he had the thought, he couldn’t quite shake it, but too many other things were wrong for that to be the case. The dirt was still normal sized, not huge chunks like they would be if he’d shrunk coming over here, and there weren’t any obvious giant landmarks to indicate he was tiny. Still, it was a strange feeling, and he was relieved when he found the stream from earlier. That had to be normal sized. Water wouldn’t flow with that kind of babble if it was shrunk down, not unless it was hundreds of feet wide from his perspective.
The relief was almost immediately quashed when he realized that he didn’t recognize this part of the stream at all. He hadn’t exactly been taking in the scenery, but he still had expected to at least recognize something. Unfortunately, nothing about this part of where he was looked even remotely familiar. He grimaced. “Is this where we were?” he said aloud.
Antoinette trilled, an almost sad sound. It was like she was saying “I have no idea, you think I was paying attention?” Caleb had to laugh at himself. Already he was assigning actual full sentences to Antoinette. “Okay, well, rule one,” Caleb told her. “Head downstream. It will take me to somewhere eventually, and hopefully that somewhere will include someone who has the faintest idea what the hell is going on and how I can get back to the cave.”
Resolution made, he started to walk in that direction. It was a beautiful day here in...wherever this was, and thus far - joy upon joys - he hadn’t seen a single mosquito. As long as he was stuck in this weird dream or psychotic break or whatever was going on, he was going to enjoy it. He did see a few more traditional insects climbing along the fern-trees he’d marveled at before, which was nice. It helped him feel less like he was tiny walking in a giant world. As much as he wanted to, he resisted the urge to peer down for a closer look at them. Right now they were tiny specs climbing along in rows, and if he didn’t look too closely he could tell himself they were just normal ants. The moment he did, he was certain he’d notice things that would mark them of nothing from Earth, and that idea straight up terrified him.
“Yes, that’s right,” he said to the foot-long ant on his shoulder. “The terrifying thought is the insects here might be different. Crap on a stick, I am going insane.”
There was definitely a spring in his step as he walked, but not from how happy he was feeling. It was like every step carried a little bit...extra. It added to the surreal quality of everything. He’d noticed it before when he’d been running down the hill, but now that he was fully aware of how he was moving and a bit less panicked, he could really feel it. “Oh yeah,” he said. “Definitely dreaming.”
And since this is a dream... He reached up and carefully pried Antoinette from his shoulder. She chirruped in confusion. “Don’t worry, girl,” he said, placing her on the ground. “I’ll be right back. I just want to test something.”
Antoinette cocked her head at him, and Caleb grinned. Then, tensing up his legs, he kicked off the ground.
And went sailing through the air. “Oh my God!” he shouted. He’d had a decent high jump before, but this...it took him nearly ten feet into the air. He whooped in excitement and pumped his fist as he reached the apex of his jump. He could see over the fern trees! He could see smoke in the direction he was walking! He could see...he could see a bird.
It wasn’t like any bird he’d ever imagined. It was soaring through the air like a hawk, but its feathers were red and blue, and its face was more like a reptile’s than a bird’s. It looked almost like an archeopteryx, but without the claws on its wings, and with three massive feathers streaming out behind it. It wheeled in the air. It was beautiful.
Then gravity reminded him that, while he could jump high, he wasn’t able to fly. Caleb began to fall. The fall was faster than it should have been, given his leap. It felt like he was falling in normal gravity. Okay, this is it. I fall, and right before I hit the ground, I wake-
The thought was cut off when he slammed into the dirt beneath him. The impact drove the air from his lungs, which was the only thing that spared him from crying out in pain. He tasted blood, and his vision was obscured by black spots. Caleb could only whimper. He collapsed to the ground in a heap. What little of his brain was still working confirmed that he hadn't actually shattered his legs. The rest of it just screamed in pain. This isn’t a dream. That was now painfully clear. Dreams couldn’t possibly hurt this badly.
Antoinette walked up to him and nudged him with her mandibles. When he didn’t respond right away, she climbed onto his chest and began that rumbling trill. Caleb could only wheeze as he tried to catch his breath. Antoinette studied him, and a long tongue raced out of her mouth to lick his forehead. “Thanks,” he managed to grunt, glad she was so much lighter than a cat - otherwise she’d be crushing his chest. “No, really.”
It took him a few more minutes to stand again, and only when he was able to was he certain he hadn’t broken any bones. He took a few deep breaths, feeling an ache across his entire back. “I saw some smoke ahead,” he said to Antoinette, who was clawing at his leg. “I really hope that’s a town, and that they can help. And also that they have painkillers. I’d kill someone for some painkillers.”
Antoinette clacked her mandibles.
“No, I mean, it would have to be someone I didn’t like!”
Antoinette kept clawing his jeans and Caleb shook his head. “Mind walking alongside me for a bit? I need...I need a new back. And legs. Really just a new body. Phew. Give me some time to recover.”
Antoinette stopped clawing and trilled sadly. Again, Caleb was struck with the distinct impression she could understand him. But that doesn’t make sense, he thought. There’s no way she could. It’s just...insane.
“You there!”
The sudden shout nearly made Caleb scream, and he whirled to face the speaker. Antoinette did as well, hissing.
“You need to step away from the Kralant. I don’t want you getting hurt.”
The man was wearing something that looked like a military uniform from the eighteen hundreds, black and red with buttons that pinned up far on the left side of his body. He wore a cap that matched the color of his suit, and he stood with a rigid formality. For all that, he looked like he couldn’t be much older than Caleb.
More interestingly, however, the bird Caleb had seen earlier was perched on his shoulder. “You...want me to move away from Antoinette?” Caleb asked, trying to register what he was seeing.
“You...named it?” the soldier said, sounding incredulous. The bird on his shoulder peered at Antoinette hungrily, and Antoinette clacked her mandibles and hissed. She showed none of the fear she had towards the monstrosity in the cave. The soldier only frowned. “Who are you?”
“Caleb,” Caleb said, narrowing his eyes. “Who are you?”
“I am Ruzo, First Private of the Darkhold Omal. This is Silv.” The bird chirped at its name, although it didn’t take its eyes off Antoinette.
“I’m sorry, you called Antoinette a Kralant and seemed surprised I named her. Is Silv its name, or is it it's species?”
“He,” Ruzo said, stressing the word, “is a Silvtherix. I named him Silv.”
“Wow, very original name there.” Caleb couldn’t help himself. Something about Ruzo’s attitude was rubbing him the wrong way. It was his imperious demeanor, like he owned the place. Who the hell does he think he is?
“Says the boy who named a Kralant Antoinette,” Ruzo said, although he flushed a bit at mockery. “I need you to come with me, Caleb. These woods are forbidden. I thought you’d just gotten lost, but since you’re a Tamer...clearly you’re in violation of the Treaty. Put your hands behind your back.”
“Okay, first of all, working Antoinette’s species into her name is a brilliant pun. I didn’t just chop off part of the name and call it good. Second of all - put my hands behind my back?” Caleb asked. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“First private of the Darkhold Omal,” Ruzo said, repeating his earlier words and with the same drilled in efficiency. “Who do you serve, Caleb?”
“Oh. Uh. Well...I’m with Troop One-Eighteen,” Caleb said, uncertain what else to say. “Boy Scouts, United States of America. And, private, I’m a Life Scout. So, yeah. Shove that up your craphole and spin on it.”
It was pretty clear that Ruzo had no idea what anything else Caleb said meant, but his eyes narrowed at the last sentence. “I don’t know who you serve. But clearly, someone needs to teach you manners.” He swung out his arm. “Silv! Attack!”
With a shriek that put a chill into Caleb’s bones, Silv took to the air.
In response, Antoinette let out a hiss of challenge.
Oh you’ve got to be kidding me, Caleb thought, squaring up.
I’ve definitely gone insane. But the pain in his back reminded him that insanity was much less certain than he’d previously believed. He could be absolutely certain of one thing, however - he had no idea what he was doing.
Silv shrieked as he swooped through the air, diving for Antoinette. Caleb couldn’t help but notice how dangerously curved those talons were, each ending in wicked barbs. It looked like they could tear through flesh like razorblades. “Antoinette, do...something!” Caleb shouted in panic.
As soon as the words left his lips, he felt something. It was almost like a tug on his skin, but it was a strange and alien feeling. Like part of him had been yanked away. Antoinette leapt to the side, snapping her mandibles. Silv passed through the space she had just vacated, his talons clutching only empty air. Confidence flashed through Ruzo’s eyes. “Do something? That’s the best you have? Silv is going to tear your Kralant apart.”
Caleb’s heart started to pound. In the games, the monsters would always faint at the end of fights, then there would be a heroic rush to town and the monster would be cured. Looking at those talons, it was hard to imagine this fight would be that harmless. “Antoinette, do something ranged this time!” Caleb said, frantically going through his pockets. That strange tug happened again, but Caleb ignored it. He needed to help.
A meme he’d seen the other day on his phone flashed through his mind as he frantically patted his pockets, modified for his current situation. “I’ve had Antoinette for only half a day, but if anything happens to her I’d kill everyone in this field and then myself.” Really, Caleb? You’re watching a pair of monsters fighting for their lives and the best you have are memes and vague commands? It’s not like he could do much else. He didn’t really have any kind of weapons on him. A simple Swiss army knife, too small to be used for actually fighting anyone. Not that he had any idea if he could actually bring himself to stab Ruzo. The guy was an ass, but Caleb had never hurt a fly.
Well. Metaphorically speaking. He’d squished plenty of flies in his day.
Besides that, he didn’t have much else. A can of bug spray. Some twine. A granola bar, still in its wrapper. A zippo lighter. A...wait, that’s it. Caleb looked back up to the fight as he pulled four of the items out of his pocket, trying desperately to get his hands shaking at another terrifying scream from Silv.
Silv was circling the fight, staring down at Antoinette with eyes full of fury. Ruzo was watching Caleb with a curious expression, as if he were trying to figure out what kind of stupid thing Caleb was going to do next. Oh, if you had any idea how stupid I was about to be, you’d be...very...uh...shocked? Antoinette was on the ground, watching Silv carefully.
“Now!” Ruzo shouted.
Silv screamed and dove towards Antoinette. The Kralant had never seemed so small before, but she held her ground, her mandibles pointing towards the sky.
Then, the moment Silv got close, Antoinette let loose a spray. It was white and stringy, almost like spider silk. Silv flapped his wings hard, letting a gust of air blow the strands away. Where they touched the dirt they sizzled like acid. Caleb’s eyes widened. “Holy crap, what was that?”
Antoinette trilled happily and rose up on her hind legs, letting loose another barrage of caustic strands. Silv took to the air, getting out of range, and screeched in fury at having its attack interrupted. “You really don’t know?” Ruzo said, his eyes hard. “You’re an absolute moron, aren’t you?”
“Yeah? Well, would a moron be doing this?” Caleb responded. It wasn’t exactly the witty repartee he’d been hoping for. With the distraction the battle had provided him, he’d managed to tie the zippo around the bug spray and held up his prize.
“...it seems one would,” Ruzo said, his forehead creasing. “What the hell is that supposed to be?”
Silv dove down towards Antoinette again, banking to dodge the spray of acidic webbings. In response, Caleb flicked the zippo opened and stepped forward. A small flame sprang to life, and Ruzo’s eyes widened. “What are you doing?” he shouted. Caleb ignored it. He pressed down on the top of the bug spray.
The fine mist met the flame of the zippo and flamed to life. Silv screeched in sudden fear and pulled back, still several yards from reaching Antoinette. Antoinette whipped her head around and gave Caleb a curious chirp. “That’s right!” Caleb shouted, pointed the improvised weapon at Ruzo. “You think you’re going to hurt Antoinette? I will literally set you on fire.”
Ruzo’s eyes were wide, and Silv flew over to his outstretched arm, landing on it like it was a tree branch. The massive bird looked like it shouldn’t be something Ruzo could hold, but his arm never wavered. “You...are an Artificer? I should have known…” he trailed off, studying Caleb up and down.
“Yeah, that’s right. I’m an Artificer,” Caleb said, hoping the term was descriptive enough to be able to fake what he thought it meant. “I just built a flamethrower. Back down, buddy, or I swear to God I’m going to set you up like a cheap firework.”
Of course, it was a total bluff. Ruzo was a good fifteen feet away. The flame from this thing could go a foot, max. If Ruzo called him on it, Caleb would find himself having to reveal the limits of his homemade weapon very, very quickly. And when he did, what would happen? Would Ruzo send that damn bird after Antoinette again? Or would he send Silv straight after Caleb, trying to tear out his eyes?
Oh man. This is really, really looking bad for me.
“I’m surprised, Artificer,” Ruzo said, reaching up to stroke Silv under the beak. The bird leaned into the touch and chirped. “Entering the battle so early? You must have something serious you’re hiding. Something the Darkhold Olam will want to know. Well, if you wish to make this a test of that…” Silv began to crawl up his arm until their heads were butting together. “I’ll be more than happy to oblige.”
“Yo, you’re talking a pretty big game for someone who’s about to get his ass set on fire,” Caleb said, but the brave words couldn’t stop the tremor in his hands. “Why don’t you stop what you’re doing and go away? I don’t want to hurt you.”
Ruzo laughed, a mocking sound, as Silv began to work around to his back. The bird started to wrap wings around Ruzo’s face, and the spots on his wings matched up perfectly with Ruzo’s eyes. “Don’t worry about that, little Artificer. I promise, I’m in absolutely no danger.”
Their forms began to glow. Caleb took a step back, reflexively pressing down on the button for the bug spray. The flame seemed almost dark when compared to the immense light pouring out both soldier and monster as they began to rise into the air. “Antoinette?” Caleb said, shaking so badly he thought he might fall over. “I think I’d like to wake up now.”
Antoinette cooed in a sound that trembled with fear.
The glow vanished. Ruzo was gone. So was Silv. In their place was a single being, one that combined traits of both monster and man. Ruzo’s hair was now the bright feathers of the bird, his hands and feet ended in the wicked talons that the bird had shown in its diving sweeps at Antoinette, and two immense wings jutted from his back. Worst of all were the eyes, however. Ruzo’s normal two human eyes peered out at Caleb, but above those were the exact same eyes that had adorned Silv’s head. “So that is your flame, little man?” Ruzo said, and his voice had an odd quality to it, some kind of echo, like it was being spoken through two mouths. “I thought you Artificers claimed you could match am Tamer’s power. Looks like you’re just another worm.”
“Uh…shit,” Caleb said, looking down at Antoinette. “Do you know how to do that?”
This time there was no imagining it. Antoinette shook her head, and there was real fear in her eyes.
“Yeah, me either.” Caleb dropped to one knee and held out a hand. “Get on.”
Antoinette leaped onto Caleb’s arm and wrapped her legs around as Ruzo took to the air.
“So, Artificer,” Ruzo said, every word laced with mockery. “What will you do now?”
Fortunately, for the first time since he’d arrived here, Caleb knew exactly what to do.
Screaming in fear, Caleb turned and ran away from the four-eyed taloned bird-human hybrid that was rising into the sky. And as he did, the small part of his mind that couldn’t stop from being sarcastic even now couldn’t help but point out that it was totally unfair – none of the games allowed you to do that. Where’s the overly drawn out tutorial when you really need it?
Want to read more? Why not pick it up now?
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And if you want to see more of my work, you can do so at /hydrael_writes

I'm 32 years old, working as a Product Manager / Instructor in Toronto and making ~$78,000 (CAD)

This is an update of my MD from last year, which you can find here. All figures are in CAD. (Approx. CAD/USD conversion is 1 CAD = 0.75 USD. So my income is ~$58,240 USD. I've tried to note the change since last time where I could!
Section One: Assets and Debt

Total NW: $81,100
- Up from ~$58,000 last year.
Retirement Balance (and how you got there): $62,230
- Up from $45,466 last year. I've been adding to my RRSP since my first "real" job in highschool - while my early contributions were miniscule, it got me in the habit of saving. My previous employer had a good match, which also helped.
Savings account balance: $11,290
- TFSA up from $9,846 last year. Not a huge improvement - I focused more on my RRSP and Emergency Fund this year.
Emergency Fund Balance: $7,500
- Was $1,103 last year.
Chequing Account Balance:
- Almost everything gets autotransferred on payday to my retirement accounts, sinking funds, or a holding account where my bills are autopaid from. I only keep my "discretionary spending" money in this account.
Debt: None. I pay off my cc as soon as I make a purchase, and check my transactions/pay off any autopay on a weekly basis. I run all my purchases through my cc to get points toward free groceries.
Additional Questions:
- Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?: There was expectation, but not from family - I was the first in my family to go to higher ed. They saved and planned to contribute if I did want to go, but what I did after highschool was up to me. I was top of my class in highschool so there was a lot of expectations from the other adults in my life (teachers, school counselors, etc) that I would really make something of myself. My parents paid my tuition for two years of my undergrad, my grandparents gave me a few thousand dollars as a gift toward my expenses and the remainder I paid for myself with my savings from working part time and through summers.
- Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances? We didn't have any serious conversations about money, but there was a lot of emphasis on saving long term, saving up for things we wanted, and occasionally if I wanted something expensive (like when I wanted my hair done for middle school graduation), a discussion about how mom or dad would have worked X hours to pay for it. I never felt hard done by, but there were definitely a lot of things other kids had or got to do that we didn't. Once I got my first job I didn't get any spending money from my parents anymore.
- What was your first job and why did you get it?: In 8th grade I got a job at my school, cleaning tables during lunch recess (our school didn't have a cafeteria, so kids ate at their desks). The principal offered it to me and my best friend. It paid $50/month. It seems insane now because we were not old enough to work legally. In hindsight I think it was the school finding a way to subsidize the costs of the year-end school trip (a week-long overnight trip out of province) for two families who didn't quite qualify for the school's official aid but wouldn't have been able to afford it otherwise. All the money went to the trip, and I babysat to get some spending money.
- Did you worry about money growing up?: Not really. There were some lean times but I never felt like I really wanted for anything. By the time I was in highschool things had gotten much more stable.
- Do you worry about money now? Yep. Not about day-to-day spending, but I worry about longer-range money issues like whether I'll be able to own a home, save enough to retire, etc. A lot of my friends are a lot more comfortable and able to buy homes and generally be freer with money, mostly those in dual-income-no-kids situations - and I'm feeling that lag a bit.
- At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?: I haven't received any financial support from family since I was about 20, but if my parents come to visit me they'll usually bring some grocery items from their Costco runs and refuse to accept payment for it. I currently have about 4 months' emergency fund saved, and could last another 6 on my TFSA if I needed to. Working on bumping this up!
- Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income?: While I was in undergrad and paying my own tuition my grandparents gave me $2000 as a birthday gift to give me a little breathing room in my budget and so "you can do something other than work and study". They were hoping it would enable me to meet a husband and get my MRS (hahaha). It did not, but it did ease my stress about money.

Section Two: Income

Main Job Monthly Take Home: $3,816 after deductions. I got a 10% raise in July.
- Deductions: Tax $882, EI $86, CPP $137, Retirement plan $210 (matched by employer)
PTO: 18 days + 5 additional during the holidays when our office is shut.
Bonus: I get a bonus each year from the day job as well. This year, $5500 pre-tax.
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: ~$900 averaged monthly
- Varies year to year based on student enrolment and whether I get funding for additional content development time.
Salary Story (Averaged hourly earnings into approx annual earnings so it's more "apples to apples" comparison)
- Pre-2010: ~$15-20k per year. Various jobs during highschool and university. Retail, farm and animal shelter work, tutoring, baby/pet/housesitting, factory job in the summers.
- 2010: ~$35k Intern, Retail, Nanny, Temp. I graduated university and started some postgrad certificate courses full time through summer. Had a PT retail job, a FT unpaid internship after summer classes ended, and was a nanny for a relative's kids in exchange for a steep discount on room and board. After my internship ended I picked up a temp receptionist gig that paid well while it lasted - I was able to save up to move out to my own place after Christmas.
- Q1 + Q2 of 2011: ~$22k Freelancer / Assistant. The company I interned for hired me back as a freelancer at $19/hr, and I got a remote job as a "business assistant" (aka whatever they needed) at min wage, but I could set my own hours and work up to 35hrs/week. I crammed in as much as I could because my freelance job wasn't guaranteed.
- Remainder of 2011: ~$36k - Digital Assistant. My day job offered me a FT position and I was so grateful for the stability (my freelance hours had been uneven) that I accepted their first offer not realizing it was less than I was making as a freelancer. I remind myself that at least now I have benefits and some security, and I still have my other job. Two weeks later they tell me if I don't quit my remote "business assistant" job I'll be fired since that company is in the same industry, so I do. Pushover!
- 2013: ~37k - Digital Assistant. Yep, two years, no promotion, small raise. Love working in the arts! /s. After I was forced out of my remote job in 2011 I started babysitting, petsitting, shoveling snow for my older neighbours - anything I could to bring in some extra cash, but I have no idea what I made from that work. Most of it ended up going out the door pretty quick on regular life expenses.
- 2014: $40k - Digital Coordinator. Promotion at last. I struggled a lot with depression throughout the end of 2013 and all of 2014 after some traumatic events, and I'm so shocked and thrilled that something good actually happened. I don't negotiate because I'm a husk of a person. By this point I'm not functional enough to keep up all my side gigs.
- 2016: ~$45k - Digital Coordinator / Instructor: After so much therapy I'm starting to realize my company is trash and my industry is a dead end for me, and I actually have the confidence to do something about it. I dump my shitty boyfriend. I get a part time gig as an instructor. My boss tells me in my performance review I have "no leadership potential" and I go home and immediately start looking for another job.
- 2017: ~$63k - Product Manager / Instructor: After many failed interviews, I finally get a new job offer at $55k - less than a PM typically makes in Toronto, but more than I was making before, and I was so hungry for a new opportunity I just jump on it. My new manager is really invested in my PD, within the first few months they have me speak on their behalf at three conferences and commit to $2,500 of PD spending.
- 2018: ~$76k - Product Manager / Instructor: I get a raise at my day job (modest - about $2500) but it's a crackerjack year for the course I teach - it's a high enrolment year so I have more sections. Less free time, but now that I'm more experienced it's a bit easier and it'd be hard to find another side gig that pays as well for the amount of time I put in.
- 2020: ~78k - Product Manager / Instructor: Sensing a theme? I'm not much of a job hopper, which I know is impacting my salary growth, but I'm a "craves stability" person and I love my job, they are constantly giving me opportunities to learn and grow and investing in my PD. Plus a 10% raise.

Section Three: Expenses

Rent: $1,505 including utilities - just went up from $1,476 in September. I live solo in a one-bedroom in an old walk-up building.
Renters insurance: $29
Retirement contributions: $1,600
Sinking Funds contributions: $205
Emergency Fund contribution: $500, plus occasional random lump sums if I have discretionary funds left over.
Donations: approx $100/mo, sometimes more. I volunteer about 10-15 hrs/month with different organizations throughout the year, though it varies based on their activities. Been helping with a lot of digital admin/tech support/mailing list stuff this year.
Internet: $68
Cellphone: $48
Transit: About $14/month - I'm working from home, and my neighbourhood has everything I need within walking distance. I use transit a handful of times a month these days, so I just plonk some money on my card when I need to.
Therapy: $540 per quarter for BetterHelp, approx $168/month.
- I get $800/year reimbursed under my work benefits.
Subscriptions: $27 - Netflix, Spotify, extra iCloud storage, and a Quip toothbrush.

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Diary:

Day 1 - Thursday ($42)

9am - Slept in! I have today and tomorrow off (using up some PTO) and am glad for the extra rest, but the construction work around my apartment building kicks off at 9:01 on the dot, waking me up. I browse the internet before showering and getting the day started.
11am - I have a massage appointment so I mask up and walk over. It’s a sunny fall morning, so an enjoyable walk. I’ve been in a lot of pain the last while after an unexpected hospital stay and medical procedures so I’m really looking forward to some relief now that I’m cleared to have this massage! ($30 tip for my RMT, insurance covers the actual bill.) I was nervous about COVID safety but this is a small clinic and they’re taking it really seriously (face shields and masks for all!), and it’s nice to have a massage - it’s the first “non-invasive, non-medical” human touch I’ll have since March, since I live by myself and have been strict about distancing. I have to say, it feels incredibly weird to be naked except a mask. Like being naked with a watch on.
12:45pm - I feel so much better! I walk a long route home to enjoy the sunshine and stop at a bakery and pick up some pumpkin, apple, and caramel scones ($12 for three, incl tip), since they have a little doorway table for service. Most cafes in the neighbourhood have restored indoor seating and I feel weird about going inside past unmasked diners. Once I get back home I have a scone, spend a couple of hours answering students’ questions for my teaching job, and wash some dishes in the kitchen. The afternoon sort of disappears into that, plus some random internet browsing/YouTube sewing tutorials.
6pm - Therapy call (prepaid - I use BetterHelp and pay quarterly - I’m due to pay in 2 weeks). I am so grateful to be back in therapy. Isolation has been hard on me, and my medical situation really left me raw. It’s scary to have a totally normal day and end it in an ambulance unexpectedly, and I’m still unpacking my feelings about it.
7pm - I sodastream some water, add lavender syrup, and hop on Zoom for game night with some friends. We play Jackbox games together and snort-laugh the whole way through. This is a new group I was just starting to befriend IRL in the weeks before the pandemic. These weekly game nights have been so great to keep the momentum.
9pm - I dress my last tortilla as a pizza, bake it, and then dump the remainder of a box of arugula on top after it’s out of the oven and eat it over the sink like a crispy pizza taco. After eating I text a bit with a guy I met on reddit (henceforth RG - Reddit Guy - same guy from my last MD.) He sends me a video of his dog doing tricks, and we count down and hit play on the same TV episode. We’ve been doing this little nightly ritual since the start of the pandemic, and it’s a nice way to keep this long-distance whatever-this-is going. Things have stepped up from merely flirty to decidedly romantic in the last year, but with the US/Canadian border closed for the foreseeable future who knows where this is going or if we’ll ever get to meet.
11:30pm - I have a quick warm bath before bedtime and after making a nest from all my pillows, fall asleep to a “sleep story” from the Calm app. Some smooth-voiced man talking about an island in Norway takes me away.

Day 2 - Friday ($69)

8am - I wake up before my alarm, laze around in bed reading newsletters and reddit. I open my work email, file away all the automated messages I get from our software, and close it again. I usually check it once a day on vacation just to clear that shit as a gift to my future self.
9:30am - I shower while listening to a podcast and check my messages while brushing my teeth. A neighbourhood pal asks if I want to have a coffee in the park with her before it gets too cold for these outside meetups. I reply and we arrange a plan to meet up.
10:15am - My friend texts and says she’s going to stop at Starbucks on her way to the park - do I want her to grab me anything? I mobile order a caramel apple spice ($5 - I’m off caffeine - doctor’s orders) and tell her it should be there waiting when she gets there. I bring the two remaining scones from yesterday’s bakery trip for us. We hang out at the park for a few hours on our distanced blankets, chatting until our fingertips are thoroughly chilled. Like a lot of my friends, the pandemic has had her and her partner seeking cheaper, more spacious dwellings out of the city. They’re moving in a few months. This is the fourth such announcement I’ve had this fall, so I’m better at being excited for them and asking questions all about their new digs rather than being openly bummed. But inside I’m a little gutted. It’s hard to watch my people move away!
12:30pm: I took the long route home from the park, then settle in with some mint tea and check on my students. I’m teaching online this semester and the course is “asynchronous” - meaning they move through interactive modules of written+video content at their own pace, so I post and reply frequently on the discussion boards, answer emails, and help them along. I have a chatty group this term - there’s a very active kdrama discussion thread in the “non-course related” board. I love when my online students still work at connecting with their classmates - I can’t imagine what it would be like trying to do fully online school and missing out on that in-person experience.
2pm - I whip up a quick chicken soup with some chicken and veggies from the freezer, some egg noodles and a bouillon cube and eat that before spending the afternoon cleaning up - vacuuming, laundry, and online browsing for some sewing supplies. I spend $64 on some additional fabric and bias tape I keep forgetting to buy to finish some projects. I can’t wait to go to fabric stores in person again someday. While waiting for my stuff to finish in the dryer, I do a short Yoga with Adriene video.
7:30pm - After dinner, a friend calls to complain about her boyfriend and we chat for awhile while I organize my craft supplies into bins I picked up at the dollar store last weekend. He’s been a grade-A dingus since the beginning of the pandemic, and just told her one of his roommates tested positive for COVID - on Monday. He stayed with her Tuesday and Wednesday and “forgot to mention it”. DUDE. C’mon! I tell her if she needs anything dropped off at her place - groceries, drugstore stuff, emergency ice cream or baked goods - just call.
10pm - I make some popcorn and queue up Kim’s Convenience with RG, we chitchat about the day and plans for the weekend. After a few episodes I crawl into bed while he tells me all about a COVID-safe date we could go on if we weren’t separated by a few hundred kilometres. It’s a nice daydream.

Day 3 - Saturday ($0)

~1am - My downstairs neighbours are suddenly blasting music so loud my bedframe is vibrating. At 1am. Shoot me. By 1:45 I’m over it and go downstairs to knock on their door. I bang on their door a few times, no answer. One of the other tenants down the hall comes out, we commiserate over the noise. He bangs on the door too, but the music blasts on. We shrug at eachother and go back to our apartments.
~2am - I’m losing my mind at the noise, which seems to be coming from directly under my bedroom. Assuming they maybe have the bedroom door closed and couldn’t hear the knocking, I go to the living room and grab my set of weights and start dropping them on the bedroom floor over and over again like a maniac hoping to catch their attention. It works though - after a few minutes the music is off. Sweet silence!
8:45am - I wake up, roll over, and doze a bit more before getting up to take my medication and instead of staying up, I crawl back in. I chat with RG a bit and send a check-in text to my friend with the crummy boyfriend.
10:45am - I finally get out of bed (I love laying around. If I’m going to be single with no responsibilities I am going to bask in every moment of it) and I eat leftover roasted cauliflower from last night’s dinner for breakfast. Afterwards I clean the bathroom, put away my laundry from yesterday, and log on to my online class to check in on my students and reply to their posts, and review the material that’s going up next week.
4pm - After the day spent with chores I finish putting together a meal plan for the week and grocery order for delivery tomorrow. I actually love grocery shopping in person, but with the uptick in cases recently I’m less interested in going. Afterwards I check my online class forums again (there’s an assignment due tonight so I want to watch for questions) and then go for a short walk around my neighbourhood. It’s nice to get out a bit and see the leaves changing.
6pm - I make a chickpea and lentil curry in my Instant Pot, adding an assortment of random veggies from my freezer, while RG shoots me a text about starting our “together time” a bit early tonight so we can watch Hamilton together. I agree, and after dinner work on some sewing.
9:30pm - Almost completely finished sewing a shirt - I’ll finish the hem another day and the neckline when the bias tape I ordered shows up. I put everything away and I eat some arrowroot crackers with nutella while watching Hamilton with RG. I’ve already seen it a few times but I love it. Midway through I exchange a few emails with a student who is rapidly approaching the midnight assignment deadline and just can’t get her code working. I can tell right away she’s made a teeny tiny typo that’s had a domino effect on her whole assignment. I point her in the right direction, she fixes it, and ends the night happy.
12am - Curling up in bed. I put on another Calm app story and fall asleep.

Day 4 - Sunday ($127)

7:30am - Trying to reacquaint myself with my alarm after a few days off. I roll over and doze a little until 8, then get up, take my meds, and hop in the shower.
9:45am - One of my American friends calls to chat. She was invited to a wedding and doesn’t want to go because the groom’s family are anti-mask QAnon types and she won’t feel safe there. We brainstorm about what kind of gift is appropriate as an in-absentia “Sorry you married into a family of nutjobs” gift.
10:30am - I wash the dishes from last night, then make a sandwich with hummus and sliced veggies and sit down to eat it while I download my students’ assignments for the week and reply to a few more discussion posts. I’ll get to grading later this afternoon.
1pm - Time vanished into a bunch of little tasks and a wormhole of researching possible holiday gifts for family members.I text with my brother’s girlfriend to get a sense of their whereabouts this week - I’m trying to get a birthday treat delivered to his apartment. She confirms a date and I place the order for some safe-to-eat-raw cookie dough in fun flavours ($37). I’m secretly jealous that this place isn’t local to me because it sounds delicious.
2pm - I sodastream some water, add lime juice, and heat up some leftover curry from last night and settle in to start grading assignments with some music.
4pm - My mom calls to talk about Thanksgiving (next weekend here in Canada). They really want me to come, but with cases rising in the province I don’t know how safe it is and I have a lot of guilt about bringing my city cooties to them in a rural area. They haven’t been that cautious - she talks at length about going to a party the night before. By the end of the call I’m frustrated and undecided. It’s pretty clear if I opt not to go I’ll be the “bad guy”, the daughter who abandoned everyone to move to the city and thinks she’s smarter than everyone else. But I have a lot of anxiety around it.
5:30pm - My grocery delivery arrives ($90, including a tip for the delivery person). I put everything away and eat a few pieces of dried pineapple and mango before getting back to marking.
7:30pm - I cook some salmon and roasted veggies and, while eating, text with a friend about my Thanksgiving dilemma. She’s in a similar boat with her parents, we weigh the pros and cons together but neither of us end up deciding anything.
10pm - I watch an episode of Kim’s Convenience with RG before he goes to bed (he has an early morning tomorrow) and afterwards do a Yoga with Adriene video, poke around on Reddit, and go to bed myself around 11.

Day 5 - Monday ($9)

7:15am - Alarm goes off. I wake up, but mostly scroll Reddit until 8. I desperately miss working from an office with other people and better chairs, but if WFH ever ends I will miss getting to stay in bed as long as humanly possible.
8am - Shower, moisturize and put on some lipstain - that’s the extent of my morning routine these days. I get dressed (I’ve been wearing the same threadbare jeans almost all quarantine. They’re so comfortable, but hideous). I make some tea and oatmeal and move over to my desk.
8:45am - I check my credit card statement online while eating. A return I’ve been waiting on is finally processed (+$41.28) - returns by mail are so slow - I put the parcel in over a month ago. I check my class boards too - no new posts to reply to.
9am - Log into work and post my “hello” message in our staff chat. We have a “Hellos and Goodbyes” room to keep track of people’s comings and goings throughout the day. Our CEO pings me and asks how my time off was. He’s been very attentive since my hospitalization and has been checking in about my workload, how I’m feeling. It’s nice to fee seen.
10am - One on one with my junior PM. We chat on Zoom re: what’s on the docket for our projects this month, and I take her temperature a bit re: work/life balance, how she’s managing our extended work from home and the pandemic. She has a lot of vacation days left and I encourage her to use them even if she’s not planning to go away - mental health and rest is important!
11am - One on one with my manager. She calls via phone since her teenage daughter is doing school on Zoom and their internet is overtaxed. She runs through what I missed last week and updates me on a new project I’ll be taking over from her later this month. I’m currently responsible for ⅗ of our major software projects and this will bring me up to ⅘. (Don’t think I won’t make a big deal about that when it comes time for our next reviews.)
11:45am - Answer a customer support email from someone struggling to use the site. After a bit of back and forth I discover it’s because they’re using a decade-old version of Internet Explorer. I hop on the phone, walk them through upgrading to Edge, and they’re a happy camper. We don’t have customer support at our org - the PMs and Junior PMs manage support for their projects. Some days I hate it, but most of the time it’s satisfying to tackle a small and solvable problem amidst the bigger-picture work.
1pm: Team meeting with my software team. We usually do these in the morning but one of the devs had to take his kid for a COVID test since he’s a bit sniffly - schools here are pretty strict. It’s a short meeting, just getting a sense of how everyone’s moving through the current open projects, and then a show-and-tell of pets, since the aforementioned sniffly kid joined at the end. I do not have any pets and am as delighted by them as the kid.
1:20pm: Lunchtime! I heat up some leftover curry and chat a bit with RG, who’s checking in about my stress level. Since my hospital stay he’s been worried about me pushing too hard and not giving myself time to heal. We talk about our mornings and he tells me he added some new songs he thinks I’ll like to a shared Spotify playlist, so I know what I’ll be listening to this afternoon.
2pm: I spend the afternoon working on spec writing for upcoming development projects while my developers investigate a bug a customer reported over lunch.
5:10pm - I set an alarm on my phone to go off when it’s time to log off for the day. I change into some pants with more structural integrity, mask and jacket up, and go for a walk.
5:45pm: While I’m at the pharmacy picking up my prescription, the pharmacist mentions they have flu shots in, so I get one while I’m there. ($8 for my prescriptions, $1 for the impulse coffee crisp bar, $0 for the peace of mind of being flu-free even if I barely leave my house). While I’m walking home, RG calls from his commute to ask what I’m going to do about Thanksgiving. He thinks I should go - it’s generally safe in my parents’ area (less than 30 active cases in the county), and he gently suggests that the fall is probably going to be pretty hard on me emotionally and it might be a good idea to take the opportunity to go away while it’s relatively safe. I keep thinking it over.
6pm - Cook some chicken and roasted veggies for dinner, and after eating, set up my sewing stuff to finish up that shirt hem and start cutting pattern pieces for another project, a robe, while listening to podcasts.
10pm - I set up my iPad on a stool next to my bathtub and watch Kim’s Convenience with RG on chat while soaking in the warm, bubbly water and drinking some chamomile tea, and eventually dry off and head to bed around 11:30.

Day 6 - Tuesday ($0)

8am - Did I snooze my alarm for an hour? You bet. I just couldn’t stay asleep last night. When I finally wake up, RG has left a little video message for me, which I watch, and then watch again, and then start getting ready for the day. I braided my hair before bed so I have those great post-braid waves today.
8:55am - At my desk, logged in and ready to go with some oatmeal. I drop a note in the staff Hellos and Goodbyes and peek at my class discussion board before picking up where I left off yesterday.
10am - Client call. This client is hoping to do something a little “off label” with our tools. We chat a bit about what they’re hoping to accomplish and what their goals are, and I answer a few data questions for them.
10:30am - Team meeting! We spend some time puzzling through my client’s “off label” ideas, do some digging on another client’s data issue, and then spend a little time watching a funny news blooper one of the devs screenshares and joking around. I don't mind a little fun in our meetings!
11am - Biweekly all-staff meeting. Our CEO gives a little roundup of how things are going big-picture, and then one by one each of my colleagues gives a brief update of what they’re working on. Many pets and children make appearances - as a group the general vibe with interruptions on zooms is “delight”, which I appreciate. Nobody’s trying to “keep up appearances”. It’s all a mess we’re in together.
12:20pm - Lunchtime. Check COVID case counts again for my parents’ area (still undecided) while chatting with a friend about her thanksgiving plans. She and her husband have been isolating at a family cabin since early summer, when their city apartment building started renovating. They’re planning a “so bad it’s good” movie marathon, so while I eat leftover curry we chat about our favourite bad-good movies.
1:25pm- Reacquainting myself with some material for my 2pm meeting. I’m on an HR Committee at work and we’re meeting to check in on our work/life and wellness strategies as we head into another WFH quarter. The transition to remote has gone (mostly) well for our company, but there’s always room to improve!
3pm - After the HR meeting I put together a custom report request for our database team to run for me, and then pull up our team’s roadmap for the fiscal year and make some tweaks. I share developers with other teams and I know a big project has dropped in for them elsewhere, so I adjust. We’re already close to hitting our metrics for the year so I’m happy to let the other teams keep my devs busy for awhile while I prep and spec some larger feature builds for them.
4pm - My friend with the dingus boyfriend texts. Luckily, both she and her boyfriend tested negative, but since he lives with someone who’s sick, they’ll both need to test again in a few days. She talks about wanting to break up with him. I encourage her to take her time thinking about it. I think they should break up - he’s a dope. But she’s the one in the relationship - not my call!
5:15pm - I log off for a bit. I’m feeling a bit drained today. I didn’t sleep well last night and I know my indecision about Thanksgiving is weighing on me. I do a yoga video and lay on the floor crying afterward. It happens, part of that good ol’ depression life. Sometimes you just need a lil cry. I’ve been really emotionally overwhelmed since my hospitalization, and some close friends have really broken my trust recently. I’m working on it with my therapist, but sometimes you’re just fresh outta emotional juice, and while I love my family, we’re not close - time with them would be nice, but it’s not restorative.
7:10pm - Alright alright. Time to rally. I log on to my online portal and reply to my students’ board posts and questions. They seem like they’re doing a good job grasping the material, which makes me happy. I never wanted to be a teacher but it makes me feel so satisfied when I can see their progress. It cheers me up a little.
8:45pm - Time got away from me doing that work. I throw some fish and veggies into the oven and call my parents. I tell them I'm still undecided about Thanksgiving, Mom complains that I'm taking things too seriously, I text her the graph of cases again. She tells me I can make a day-before decision if I want to, that they'll isolate the rest of the week, for real, but she just needs to know by Friday around noon if I want to be picked up. I appreciate the extra time to consider things. Then Mom asks me to place a grocery click-and-collect order for her (she's not good at internet). I say I will, and she proceeds to slowly text me a grocery list one item at a time for the next hour. LOL. Moms.
10:15pm - I drink some sparkling water while watching Kim’s Convenience with RG on chat. After one episode I’m wiped, so I go to wash up. By the time I’m getting into bed, RG has left me a video message - the first half is his dog adorably snoring. The second half is just him telling me everything’s going to be OK and apologizing that he can’t be here to do our own Thanksgiving. Cry again - happier tears this time.

Day 7 - Wednesday ($0)

8:20am - Cutting it close today, wakeup-wise. It took me forever to fall asleep last night so I snooze a lot today, but when I finally get up, RG’s left me another voice memo encouraging me to get up and kick this day’s ass. I’ll try! I have a quick shower, mist my hair to refresh the curl a little, and get dressed.
9am - Log on and say hi to the team, then help the marketing team with some content for our monthly newsletter. Once that’s done, I make a smoothie with frozen mango and dragonfruit, then head back to my desk to load some data into our internal dashboards for our CEO’s reports later this week. Once it’s loaded, he DMs me and we chat a bit about the comparison year over year, possible insights, nerd out about graphs a bit.
10:30am - Team meeting. Alongside the usual updates I’ve added extra time to discuss some upcoming features and the specs I have in progress. I don’t love speccing something without involving them - they feel a lot more ownership when they’ve had a chance to be involved in the process. They get really excited about the new build and ask if I can reassign them to this instead of the other project they’re pinch hitting on now. Nice try!
12:15pm - Lunchtime! Some colleagues and I hop into Netflix Party to watch an episode of Queer Eye together. When we were in the office we used to have occasional TV lunch parties so we’ve been trying to mimic that in our new WFH life. I eat the last of my leftover curry while our Netflix Party chat goes OFF in full home-porn-drool at the reveal of Bobby’s house makeover.
1pm - Back to work, more data audits for our research team.
2pm - Internal meeting with another colleague about a section of her project I’m pitch-hitting on - super productive. She runs a tight meeting and I really admire her. After the meeting I write specs for the rest of the day based on the meeting this morning. I put on some old episodes of Reply All and get stuck in.
5:15pm - Head out for a short walk around the neighbourhood to get some air and outside time, talk a bit with RG while he’s on his commute. Once I’m back home, I do some tidying up.
6pm - Therapy call, I talk a bit about my Thanksgiving dilemma but we move on to other topics too. Feeling a bit better than yesterday, but a little rough around the edges. These are the kinds of days where I tend to feel tempted to order in, and while I scroll UberEats, nothing really looks that good, so I close the app and decide to just cook what I’d planned.
7pm - Make dinner, chicken and roasted veggies again. What can I say, I’ll party down on garlicky roasted broccoli any day of the week. I wash dishes when I’m done eating.
8pm - Pop online to check out my students’ posts for the day and reply to some emails. I briefly scroll through stuff on the IKEA website. I’ve been hoping to get some inserts for my Kallax unit, but the ones I want aren’t in stock, still.
9pm - Shower and wash my hair. I get out a shower scrub from Lush and really go to town, I do the Aztec Secret clay mask too. Why not!
9:45pm - Post up on the couch with some sparkling water, ready for TV time with RG. We watch the last two episodes of Kim’s Convenience and chat a bit before bed about what to watch next - we have a lot of good options, but decide to just see what we’re in the mood for tomorrow.
Weekly Total: $247

Food + Drink: $108
Fun + Entertainment: $0
Home + Health: $38
Clothes + Beauty: $64 on sewing supplies (future clothes + entertainment while I make them?)
Transport: $0
Other: $37 (gift)

Reflections: I keep an MD 365 days a year so I can tell by comparison this is on the lower end of an average range for this year so far - I usually get delivery at least once a week (sometimes twice), but I wasn’t feeling it this week! My average spend has really been ticking down the last couple of months. While the pandemic sucks and the isolation is rough (shoutout to my fellow live-aloners), I’m enjoying not spending as much, and that my spending is really heavily weighted toward things that contribute to my sense of well-being.

I just hit 5,000 subscribers this morning, my channel has been up for almost 13 months. Here is my obligatory post...

I uploaded my first video on July 29, 2019
I got approved for monetization on December 16, 2019
I hit the 5,000 sub mark this morning (August 24, 2020)
I am not going to rehash on all the advice you've seen on this sub a million times. I will just try to say what I believe is important

This sub is a beating. By that, I mean, 90%+ of the posts I see on this sub are those of you focusing/worrying about shit that doesn't matter. Things that aren't worth getting worried about or focusing on. Who cares if you got one random dislike? Who cares about the algorithm? Who cares if you got a spam comment? Who cares about what time of the day you upload videos or what day of the week you post them on? Which leads me to....
The only thing that matters is CONTENT. Your content has to provide value. Time is money. Your videos need to be enticing enough that viewers are willing to spend their time on your videos. If your videos provide no value, they will get no views. It's a lot like TindeBumble and other dating apps. You can blame the algorithm, luck, and everything else all you want - if you aren't getting matches and dates, its because your pictures suck. Same with YouTube. If you are getting no views and subs, its because your videos suck. It has nothing to do with time of the day, hour of the day, algorithim, or any of that. If you build it, they will come. All the worrying you do about shit that doesn't matter, channel it into focusing on your content
My niche is sports betting. I am a data scientist by profession and have been programming sports betting models/systems for 8+ years. I've known for years that sports betting YouTube is a cespit of scams, lies, and trash. 50% of the channels are self promoting pick selling/touting scams, the other 50% are simply self absorbed vanity videos where the creator says "Here are my picks, here is how great I am, here is all the money I am winning". AKA videos that don't help anyone. So I came in with a mission with my channel. My mission was to serve the grossly underserved niche of sports betting of giving advice, tutorials and information that actually can be helpful. I created programming tutorials, taught concepts, and gave actual truth/realistic expectations about sports betting with zero self promotion.
Ask yourself: What do I do best? And among the YouTube niche of what I do best, what parts of that niche are underserved? If you can firmly answer both of those questions, you might have a winning formula on YouTube. They say if you have spent 10,000 hours on something, you are a master at it. What have you spent 10,000 hours on?
You know how often I look at my stats, sub count, and analytics? NEVER. The only stats I look at is my CPM/revenue. I only know what my sub count is because YouTube emails me when I hit certain milestones. I have not once ever looked at my individual video view counts, my CTR%, my retention %, or any of that. This may not be good advice. But I create videos that I believe would be helpful for my viewers. Then I upload them. I don't let my analytics dictate what I create. Maybe I could be more successful if I did look at my analytics, but honestly it doesn't matter to me. If you truly are an expert in your niche, you'll know what videos need to be created and its up to the viewers to watch them or not.
So many of you act like your life will drastically change and everything will be unicorns & rainbows once you get monetized. My CPM has fluctuated between $10-$12 and my latest deposit from AdSense was $175. Maybe $175 a month will be life changing money for you but you need to be realistic about what you will actually make from monetization. Especially if your CPM is a fraction of what mine is in the gaming niches.
I didn't do much promotion of my videos when I first launched. I posted a couple comments on /sportsbook and a college football analytics subreddit and that's it. From there word of mouth helped. A major message board for fans of a sports team that I have never posted on also picked up on my channel which led to a lot of external views too. Again, if you build it they will come, promoting your videos is only something you should do out of the gate, at the appropriate places and without being annoying. I've promoted my channel exactly once since the first month of my channel, which was back in January where I advertised a video on the sportsbook subreddit highlighting my video tutorial on how to make a detailed bet tracking spreadsheet in Excel. No promotion since.
When I launched my channel I uploaded my first 6 videos at the same time. I think it is better to do it this way instead of just uploading one video. Since I uploaded 6, I was able to create a library of 6 well rounded videos for my audience to watch right out of the gate and get a feel for what the content would be like on the channel, instead of just uploading one and having them forget about me quickly. If you only have one video at launch people might think you are a one video wonder and won't subscribe, but since I had 6, people subscribed since I already had a library.
Don't try to make videos on subjects you are not well versed in. For example I could easily expand my audience big time if I made videos about soccer, but I never watch soccer nor have I ever bet on soccer. It's more about the integrity of my channel. I'd rather leave viewers on the table and not make videos about a subject, than gain those viewers by making crappy videos on the subject.
My equipment is a Sony RX100V for stationary indoor filming, a DJI Osmo Pocket for outdoomobile filming, Adobe Premiere Pro for editing, a Blue Yeti microphone for indoor audio, a Zoom H1N with a lav mic for mobile audio, and a ring light + tripod for indoor lighting. I've used the same equipment from day 1 without any additional purchases. Content is king and it doesn't matter what equipment you use as long as your content is valuable. Don't think you need to spend $2000 on a camera, although I do think Premiere Pro and a decent editing PC is worth the investment
I create my Thumbnails in PowerPoint and export it as a PNG. With all the text editing options, icons, clip art, and such, its ideal for making thumbnails
I do vlog occasionally but it has to tie into my niche somehow. Since my niche is sports betting, my vlogs are usually centered around when I travel to Las Vegas. If you can't tie a vlog into your niche, its going to be difficult for those videos to gain traction, especially early, because why would anyone care about your life. Once you've built up a good following of viewers you can start to do off topic videos outside of your niche because they like you for your personality just as much as they do your content and therefore they might care about your life.
I've been approached by plenty of potential sponsors but have turned them all down. My brand is very important to me as one of the cornerstones of my brand is truth and trust. My viewers like my channel because they know I am not trying to swindle or mislead them(like most Sports Betting channels do) so I am not going to endorse a product that is shady or something I personally would not use. It's not worth risking your brand just for a couple hundred dollars to do a shoutout for a product that doesn't have a stellar reputation
This might be controversial but I feel like its important to take care of yourself and always look presentable infront of the camera if you are going to be on camera in your videos. By that I mean I make sure I am appropriately dressed with clothes that fit, groomed, in shape. I take care of my body and exercise, lift, eat right, and stay in shape. I don't want to look like an unhealthy slob infront of the camera. Like it or not if you want your channel to grow you need to make sure you are marketing yourself as well along with the content and part of marketing yourself is to be as presentable as possible. Viewers get this too. If two people create the same content, but one is in shape and neatly groomed and presentable, and the other is out of shape wearing baggy clothes with greasy messy hair, the viewers will choose the first one.

Call of the Mountain Discord event AMA: Riot responses

Hello friends! I read through all the responses from the Riot AMA on discord a few hours ago, collated and formatted them here for you all who didn't see them on discord. I cut out some of the preamble "Hey i love the game", "Thanks for the question" stuff but other than that I'm pretty sure everything is here, but I might have missed one or two so if I have, I apologise :(
4 wonderful Rioters took part: @DanCast, @Dovagedys, @Bearly Leah and @Careless Whisper. Thank you all for your time answering the questions!

Do you sometimes go around reddit or other media platforms to create new ideas for a card?

DanCast: We go around LoR player communities on reddit and elsewhere quite often, not for new card ideas specifically, but to understand what players are liking and not liking about the game. Better understanding people's impressions and desires factor into what we make in the future more broadly.

What was the process like play testing for the balance of this segment of the Targon release year, specifically the new region of Targon itself? Was Targon created holistically then segmented, or has development and balancing always been aware and aiming for the current style of a segmented release for the region? As the only other region expansion we’ve seen so far, Bilgewater seems like it could have been wildly different in terms of both thematic resonance and balance if it and the other original 6 regions new champions added in Rising Tides had been separated into segments. And if Targon was originally created holistically do you think the segmented release will make balancing harder going forward, as some card synergies or natural archetype counters have already been developed, but not yet released?

Dovagedys: It's a complicated question with a complicated answer. Ultimately, we know we want to be able to provide new cards to everyone at a satisfying cadence. Originally, we had planned to release new cards every 4 months, but over this past 6 months we quickly realized that is not fast enough. We wanted to move to a two month cadence, but most of the work for Targon and the region that comes after Targon had already been done. We definitely did extensive play testing and balance work on each segment. We believe that all three releases bring new things to the game and are fun to play.

Your favourite Colour?

Dovagedys: Purple
Leah: Purple or blue

I am a huge fan of designing custom cards in just about all the card games I play, and some card games are very transparent with their design philosophies. While I understand LoR is a much newer game than some of those games and thus might have less nailed down in the way of philosophy; we saw relatively recently some of the design process outlined in your "From Champ Select to Your Deck" Article. For those of us who either wish to design custom content, or for those who might one day wish to apply to work for LoR as a designer, would it be possible to get many more articles in the same vein as that one? I feel as though many of the designing/custom group would love to hear what goes into the game and what considerations/values you have for each Region.

Whisper: Great question, and I'm glad to hear the previous articles were helpful. More articles on design and our design process is definitely on the list of to do. Knowing what things y'all are interested in learning more about helps us a ton!

when can I expect the other league champs with tails to be added to this game? I know you likely can't answer this but I can dream. [This was asked by someone with the discord name @TailLover :D]

DanCast: What about a champion that sometimes has a tail?

LoR's coding and way of handling various effects such as card positioning and sequencing is really fascinating. However I'm curious just how much is easily able to be modified/used for card design. For ex; Hypothetically speaking is it possible to reference the opponent's username in a levelup animation? For example with a champion say Pyke and The List?

DanCast: The tech team tells me it's harder than you'd think. We had a cosmetic concept where we wanted to put your game name on the cosmetic but we decided it wasn't going to be viable.

Hello Rioters! Thanks for helping us. Following the balance patches this summer, and the release of COTM are yall considering rexamining the presence of Aggro/Combo in the game? So far it seems that these new tools empower midrange and value stradegy in a great degree, but dont seem to have any new threats to keep them in check. Thanks!

Dovagedys: The release of Targon is still very young. I think there are still a lot of evolutions and learnings to come as people explore and the meta evolves. We are constantly evaluating the meta and working hard to ensure a healthy and diverse play experience. We want players to be able to play all kinds of decks and be able to have fun and find success. If we notice certain decks over performing we will continue our efforts to tone down cards that are overbearing and pushing other options out of the meta, as well as, buffing cards that can encourage more decks that are under represented.

Any chance of getting long term profile stats like matches played, lifetime number of 7-win Expeditions trials, the ratio of achieving 7-wins per expedition attempts etc., so I can finally prove to my friends I’m the Expedition king of LOR? Any fun stats in general or fun personal stats you keep track of behind the scenes on individual profiles you could one day share? (Numbers of Poro’s summoned?)

DanCast: Yes, we believe a player profile that contains some type of match history plus a record of feel-good stats/achievements like this is a great feature and something that provides a social foundation for seeing what other players are up to - what they pursue and accomplish. It's something we will be working on.

What is your least favorite card and why is it so?

Leah: I have a hard time playing around Ledros. It's silly but I always forget about him and then die to him! D:

About Taric's ability: Why did you "nerf" his interaction with Playful Triclster day 1? The Rube Goldberg Judgement + Challenger + Rally + Big dude is intended or will it somehow be patched out? Is his interaction w Assembly Bot intended? (He gets +1 towards the lv up if you Assembly bot on field with non-targetted spells)

Dovagedys: We knew about the Taric + Playful Trickster combo and originally intended to have it go live with Call of the Mountain. However, after some discussion among game design, play test team, and game play leadership we decided that the opponent's experience was potentially too unfun. We want to ensure that both players are having fun in our game. Losing isn't very fun, but unavoidable in a 1v1 game. However, losing slowly and being stuck in a trapped game is very unfun and avoidable. We want games that have a clear winner to end very quickly and the Taric + Playful Trickster combo had high potential to lead to games where 1 player had no mana and no actions to take, but would be forced to click OK repeatedly while Taric slowly attacked them to death. That sounds like a terrible experience and we wanted to protect players from being forced into situations like it.

I've read that LoR was planned to be available on multiple platforms (mostly mobile) very early on in the development. Was there any particular difficulty in porting the code over to mobile clients, or did you simultaniously code all the different builds at the same time? Furthermore, was there a Mac client planned that was scrapped due to the "App store streaming" MacOS has planned, or was that never a consideration?

Leah: We built the code from the beginning to prepare for mobile - so that helped us a lot being aware of budgeting needs, especially on low end devices. Certain things, like trying to constrain ourselves to memory budgets per asset (such as texture), and running memory tests per build help us know if we're exceeding our mobile limits.
This is has been pretty beneficial over making it for PC then going to mobile, as we had less fixing to do for mobile launch.

How do you decide which champions to add to each expansion? Is it more based on popularity, or how much they could bring to the game?

Whisper: Huge caveat that this will usually vary from expansion to expansion. Generally the process is we look at which champions best represent the region and can show off exciting mechanics or themes. Then we look at a swath of things like champ popularity, cool lore moments we want to expand on between champions, overall tone of the set, etc.

Seeing as there are only so many regions from Map of Runeterra not implemented in game (with 2 new regions a year), what would you do when there are no regions to implement?

Dovagedys: Right now, our plan is to focus on 10 regions in runeterra. As of Call of the Mountain we have 8.

Do you have a clear vision on what you would do once you will run out of regions to add?

Dovagedys: Yes. We have a clear plan for content that comes after our last 2 regions are introduced to the game. Unfortunately, we can't discuss future content right now, but in some cases we work on content up to 2 years before it's released.

Some other card games have taken their main characters and placed them in different colors or classes? Is this something we could see once we have all the champions in game/we need champions in less populated regions? For example Yasuo and Ahri are currently heading to Bilgewater, would we hypothetically see a Yasuo in Ionia and A Yasuo in Bilge at the same time?

Dovagedys: We have some fun ideas for how we could potentially shift champions to regions players may not initially associate the champion. However, right now we are focused on getting as many champions from League into LOR as possible.

League of Legends is well known for it's incredibly diverse range of Alternate Universes and Skins. Just recently we had a Spirit Blossom event syncronized with the LoL event at the saem time. Judging from the new render of SBYasuo, alot of us were expecting some sort of premium version of Yasuo such as a skin for the card. Seeing as that obviously didn't happen, what is the team's stance on skins for cards? Perhaps with new VO/FX/Levelup Animations?

DanCast: We have loved bringing some of the alternate fantasies to LoR through our current cosmetic products. Card cosmetics will be in LoR's future, but we're taking our time to put our best foot forward on it, including some player studies.
We have to think a lot about would players rather SB Yasuo be a skin or SB Yasuo be a new card with it's own flavor and abilities?Are there some fantasies we should do as cosmetics and others we should do new cards - can we do it both ways and have it be clear to players? That's what we think about.
Let us know your thoughts on the boards!

Hi all! Bit of a technical curiosity: in open beta, there was a bug that allowed a player to cast Spinning Axe discarding a card that was "about" to be discarded by another effect such as shown here. What was the source of this bug? Was the game engine tied to UI somehow?

Leah: That's a fun one! Disclosure I didn't work on this bug, and I don't work on gameplay itself. But from speculation my guess would be that while the card was marked for delete, there was a time in cleanup while the animation was playing that it was still clickable, and was not marked as discarded until the animation ended. So not as much to do with UI as a timing issue.

The video containing the roadmap for future content (e.g. the addition of Labs, Gauntlet, the Event) was super awesome. Is there another one like that planned? When should we expect it?

DanCast: Yes there's one being planned now. Don't expect it too soon, but we want some way to talk about the end of the year with all of you. I hope the video works out

Are there any super crazy mechanics or cards you wanted to implement into the game but scratched in the end? I'm thinking of stuff like the chicken that deals 1 damage when you hover it in Hearthstone, things that are just simply bizarre :D

Dovagedys: There are a ton of designs that the team tries that don't make it to be released. Sometimes they aren't fun, sometimes we can't balance them, or sometimes they don't fit well with the rest of the release. In general, we try not to discuss these ideas publicly too often, because we may decide to use them in a future release and we don't want to spoil the surprise.

This question is completely unrelated to this game, so I’m not sure if you guys can even answer this. I’ll be finishing my 4th year of college studying cyber security this spring. I’m still trying to figure out what sort of work I’d even want to do, but I’m just curious if you guys know of any opportunities at Riot Games? Or if there’s someone I could contact regarding this? I checked the site and don’t see any opening for security jobs currently, but did see you have a bug bounty program.

Leah: We do have teams that work in security. So it's something available, even if the position isn't open now. I would definitely work on putting together something demonstrable of your skill, portfolio/Github/etc, so when the time comes you'd be ready!

How does the team view the Spirit Blossom event? Was it a success? What were the major learnings from it, and do more events in the future seem likely?

DanCast: We do view it as a success - and our post-event player surveys showed you all liked it too! The main we want to improve from the learnings is the Quest/Win of the Day system. We want to emphasize the win of the day less, and instead have more progress come from have a more distributed cadence of quests throughout the event (not all up front). As well has have the quests be less specific (I know how you feel about challenge 100 units) On the rewards: we saw players want less shards on the event road, and some new more interesting rewards instead, so we're going to work on that.

The art and lore of LoR have been amazing! How do you choose which statline/effect goes with each art/flavor?

Whisper: Great question! During development design works closely with narrative and art to create the art with the statline and effects of the card. So it's less of "choosing" and more creating them together as one complete coherent piece. This will often mean chatting about the theme of the character, what is important about their stat line or effect, and how to best represent those mechanics in the art.

I do love alot of the cosmetics currently available in the game (Guardians, Cardbacks and Boards) Can I hear some more about future upcoming cosmetics that aren't in those categories and more ways to sink my bank account?

DanCast: But you don't love emotes?? Why can't I Jinx OMG reaction in this slack?

There seems to be many cards that seem like they are supposed to be attachted to currently unreleased champions. Is there a reason for releaseing these cards and will you be doing any else like this in the future?

Dovagedys: Cards connections in LOR are a complex network of interactions. There are many cards that are designed for specific champions, but can end up working in past, present, and future decks. We try to release cards together that we think will be the most fun and create the most interesting interactions. And we think it's fun to allude to what could be potentially coming in the future. Yes we will continue to do so in the future.

How Happy were you with the meta before the expansion hit, were you satisfied with the variety of decks played?

Dovagedys: I am extremely proud of LOR's meta since the launch of our game. Before we launched we had a goal of having a metagame that had 10 decks. And we knew that was a lofty goal. However, since the launch of LOR we have repeatedly seen metagames that have 20, 25, 30, and up to 35 different decks that are competitively viable. I am completely blown away by the metagame diversity in LOR's meta game and excited to see it continue to evolve over time.

Just like almost everyone else I love the emotes! So much personality in them and conveys really fun emotions. Especially with how rapidly new emotes are being added are there plans to allow for more emotes to be 'equipped' for a match? And of course which 8 emotes are you running now?

DanCast: Wait...are you hacking to run 8 emotes?
Yes, I would love for everyone to have more emote access. We want this, but we want to build a lot of things, so it comes down to deciding our priorities on what delivers the most player value. There may be a time where we have to work on a related feature, so an opportunity to adjust this will come up. My ideal would be an intuitive UI that's fast to use on mobile where a player could access all their emotes.
My current fav 6: Not Sure If, Wink, Cheers, Sweating, Into My Trap, and (of course) Obliteration

What was the hardest card from targon to code? Is it some card we've already seen or is it one yet to come?

Dovagedys: Taric has definitely been the most complicated card to code in Call of the Mountain.

When you're not working on LoR things, what games do you like to play? Mostly card games or do you sink your time into games completely different than the ones you work on?

Leah: I play a lot of League of Legends / Overwatch as well. I also love party games to play with friends and platformers, metroidvanias and rhythm games galore. Some of my favorite games are the Ori series, Super Mario Sunshine, Dance Dance Revolution and Beat Saber!

Some players can feel really bad when opponents are able to draw from the top of their deck (although this isn't in my opinion, an issue, but it can be considered something that inherently feels worse than your opponent drawing from the bottom of your deck). Other things that can make a game feel bad are long animations, slow draw speed, etc. I'm sure there are a ton of other things you all do to make the game feel clean and smooth to play (UI), how you can customize your own boards, guardians, etc that make it feel more like "you", along with game mechanics that feel fair. I'm happy for any answer at all! Mostly I'm impressed at how much attention to detail has been given to making the game feel really good to play as often as possible, and wondering how you work out what's working in those areas, what isn't, and what you'd like to improve.

Dovagedys: We have a lot of great plans for LOR in the future. We have worked hard to build a great foundation for the game, but this is only the beginning. Ultimately, the ideas we choose to deliver to make LOR feel better will come from the community. We want to listen and learn from you all to help us choose the improvements that you all want. I think one of the most special parts about the LOR team is how dedicated everyone on the team is to listening to players and learning how to make the game better for everyone.
DanCast: The best way to encapsulate it is the LoR team is made up of Rioters who really care deeply about the player experience and are detailed oriented and very creative at their problem solving. I'm honored to work everyone on this team.

What's the basis for your card design in terms of power level? Do you ever just think of a card and say "this card is too strong/weak" and how do you tune it to the level at which it feels juuuust right?

Whisper: Generally when it comes to power level of a have a design we ask ourselves 2 questions. Is this card sensible given the rest of the cards? If not, are there numbers (cost, power, health, effect output) where this could be a sensible card.
As for how we decide what sensible is, it's a lot of playtesting, feedback, and evaluating other cards that do similar things.

the enemy Aurelion Sol transform the allie celestials cards into 0 mana cost,is it a bug?

Dovagedys: The interaction of Aurelion Sol level 2 reducing cost of opponent's cards was a bug. We released a fixed for that bug shortly after the release of Call of the Mountain.

Hi id like to say im a huge fan of LoR im wondering what guardian you all like the most personally for me its cosmo :3

Dovagedys: Personally, my favorite guardian is Von Yipp, but it's really hard to choose because there are so many awesome guardians. And I'm excited for upcoming guardians that will become my new favorites

How much of my soul do I have to give you guys to get a spoiler to show during next spoiler season?

DanCast: How could your soul be used to provide players value? I mean if you're going to try to bribe a Rioter, do it with something that we can give back to the players.
(Thanks for being cool with this trolling)

Hi Leah :> You mentioned you don't work on the gameplay parts of the game! As someone who has no idea of what software engineers do, would you mind describing which parts of the endproduct you've been working on?

Leah: I do metagame work, on DanCast's team! So Events, onboarding, rewards, quests, end of game are the types of things my team touches. We work to make sure the "out of game" experience feels good to interact with too. There's also plenty of other engineering teams too! Such as those who work to keep our build pipelines running smoothly. And they're all essential to getting LoR out to players

One of the best parts about Legends of Runeterra are the amazing animations we see with many cards, even if they aren't champions. The recent expansion especially is incredible and very beautiful with all the designs and animations. Anyways, what's your favorite pizza topping?

Leah:~~Pineapple and ham~~ Pepperoni! I'm simple but it's delicious. Also I eat the crust of my pizza first.

Would you consider diversifying the rewards in gauntlets? Because the current icon rewards are granted for the first play/win and then the mode is usually ignored by most players until a new mode/format arrives.

DanCast: Yes, but we're working on rewards that we think will be a better fit and can be more extensible than icons. Be on the watch for one of those future Dev videos to learn more (again, not too soon)

Could you guys already be planning/working on champions cards that are not found in League of Legends?

Dovagedys: we often talk about making new champions that don't exist in League of Legends, but right now we are focused on introducing as many champions from League into LOR as we can. There are over 140 champions in League of Legends and LOR doesn't have 1/3 of them yet.

Do you plan to give support to older archetypes like sea monsters and scouts in current(cotm) and future expansions?

Whisper: We do! Part of future content design is not just expansion of older regions, but also how to add to the archetypes already present.

My question is whether or not there is a plan to add in a spectate mode?

Dovagedys: We are planning to release a spectate mode in the future. I don't think we have given an exact date yet.

When LoR was finally released, was there a sick underground techno party with Poro DJs? How did you celebrate - if at all?

DanCast: LoR released under shelter in place here in LA (and in our international locations), so we ordered some desserts on DoorDash and played online games together. The poro DJs were all booked for LoR's Korean ad team

How did you join Riot, and what made you want to join Riot?

Leah: I was playing League since 2012, and that initially piqued my interest in Riot. I volunteered at a GDC (Game Development Conference) while I was in college and met a bunch of Rioters there. They were all really nice and that really made me want to join :). I graduated in 2017, and started working at another game company in Massachusetts. In 2018 Riot hit me up and after a bunch of interviews I joined!

Do you have pets, and if so, what kind, and most importantly can I pet them?

Leah: I have 2 dogs, Jax and Leo. Not only can you pet them, but they demand pets. This post not sponsored by dogs

Kind of the reverse of a previously asked question - have you designed any cards or will you design any cards soon, knowing they will be champions in the future?

DanCast: We don't have a handshake with LoL for anything like that at the moment, but we aspire to create interesting characters for the world of Runeterra that other teams can pick up and use if they wish. We just hope players love what is put out, and maybe if there's someone the community loves, they could be seen in another game or video or comic or such

I have a question: Are the cards like the Startled Stomper Zoe's creation? (if not hers, is it a creation from her friends?)

Dovagedys: I'm not sure if Zoe creates them or transforms them, but she is definitely involved.

Are there any champions that you agreed to never release?

Dovagedys: No. We hope to release every champion some day.

Whats your favorite ranked reward icon? this includes color difference from the ranks.

DanCast: Diamond Season of Plunder
Alas, I ended Plat that season (just like every season)

A large number of champions are based on their "lore" forms rather than translations of their LoL gameplay; what goes into deciding what to focus on for champions? Thresh has an ability much closer to his ingame whereas Karma is entirely about her lore rather than how she acts in gameplay.

Whisper: There are a number of things we tend to look at when focusing on the champion. What is their role in the set, what mechanics do we want to show off through the champion, are there any narrative/story beats we want to hit with them. Usually we try to find what is the version of this champion do we want to design, and then go from there.

when you design a champion, do you always have a primary archetype / deck in mind or do you intend multiple different uses for it? how important is champion versatility as opposed to the cohesiveness of its archetype?

Dovagedys: It varies for each champion. We want all champions to feel special. Some of them are designed with a very specific deck in mind, like Nautilus. Others are designed with multiple decks in mind, like Shen. And yet others are more general, like Twisted Fate. However, we do want every champion to have at least one deck they are best in.

In roughly 3 weeks I'm gonna start my enrolment in a game development degree. As someone who lives in Portugal, is there any way to work for Riot (specifically in the LoR team since that's my favorite Riot game) without moving to the US, while being an active member of the team and not just work in localization?

Leah: LoR development largely happens between our LA and Hong Kong offices. There are other offices where other development happens though. The best way is to check the careers page and see what listings are available for the office you're interested in.

Milk first or cereal first?

Whisper: Cereal first. ARE THERE PEOPLE THAT DO MILK FIRST?

If you had a truck what would you put in it ?

Leah: A smaller truck, of course.

I would like to ask , what is your current view on the success of LoR so far? Has the number of players met your initial expectations or do you feel like there is still an unused potential to lure in new players? As a relatively new player myself who loves the game to death, I feel like so far it hasn't got the attention it deserves so I'd love to know what's the perspective of you as Rioters on the matter.

Dovagedys: We are extremely proud of how many players have been enjoying LOR! We believe this is only the beginning and we hope to see more and more players joining the community over time.

Will there ever be a way to listen to the music of the boards before we buy them?

DanCast: Someday, yes I hope so. We have a lot of things we want to build and limited resources so we have to choose our projects with a lot of consideration. Since a lot of fans and creators preview content on video sites, we focus our efforts on more gameplay experiences for players.

What are your plans when a year from now comes and there are too many cards to balance? Will we have a similar thing to Hearthstone where sets from awhile ago will be unplayable in ranked?

Dovagedys: We want players to always be able to play with their favorite cards. We hope that our model for live balance will help players enjoy the cards they love. And we want to avoid situations where players aren't able to include the cards they love in their decks.

What's the funniest moment of friendly competition/bet/dare/general tomfoolery you've seen your colleagues in Riot do for fun during break-time?

DanCast: @Dovagedys still owes his team a rendition of a Taylor Swift song
Dovagedys: yikes @DanCast
Leah: We play a lot of games together on breaks and such. I had a friend try to meme me in a game of LoR by vile-feasting my unit that he was going to kill anyways. Unfortunately that unit was Scarmother Vrynna and the extra damage won me the game he would've won. I still tease him about it.

@Dovagedys I'm sorry, but I have to know the story behind you owing your team a TaySwift song.

Dovagedys: Honestly, it's a troll perpetrated by some devious people on my team. Once upon a time I was a singer. I'm also a gigantic Taylor Swift fan and I frequently utilize her songs, lyrics, images, and quotes in team communications. I don't really know/remember how the joke of me "owing the team" began.

At one point someone from the team said that they would look into more options for making the data about viable decks that you all see open to the public. Any updates on that? It's cool to know that there are regularly 20-30 viable competitive decks, but it's hard to see past the data that fansites offer so we the players only have ever a limited amount of insight into what's actually working for people.

Dovagedys: We do still plan on sharing more information around the meta, but we don't have an exact date yet.

What was the biggest emergent gameplay from the community that the team didnt foresee?

DanCast: Hello There was too strong of an emote to include in the starting 6

Lore question: In League, the only Yordle that has a tail is Gnar, and that makes sense due to him being ancient. But in LoR, we have Fae Bladetwirler, a Yordle that doesn't just have one tail, but multiple tails. Are tails on yordles a somewhat common thing nowadays or is it some rare special thing. Also are there any other tailed Yordles I should be aware of in the game already?

Dovagedys: Keep in mind that League only showcases the champions in Runeterra. Gnar is the only yordle champion with a tail, but there are so many yordles that exist in the world of Runeterra that are not champions and many of them have tails.

Finally, could we possibly have some place in the deckbuilder where we could see the card art and flavor text for everything else we can't maindeck? I wanna look at many celestial cards for description or lore reasons and I am never able to.

Dovagedys: As of Call of the Mountain there is a new filter option in the deck builder that will allow you to see the Celestial cards.

Though LoR has a slowly but surely growing competitive scene (e.g. DoR and serverwide tournaments), are there any plans to eventually have our counterpart to League's Worlds with splits and invitationals and everything?

Dovagedys: We hope to have esports some day, but right now we have been very focused on making the game as fun as possible. We are focused on listening and learning to the community to be sure we are making the right improvements.
We do hope to have in client tournaments and then eventually esports some day, but right now we don't have a specific date for them.

I would like to know how you would like to lead new players to the game, and if you are thinking of creating an official deck creation system on the LOR website, and if there will be a community deck system like on mobalitcks.

DanCast: Thank you for the thoughtful question. It's a problem space we think about, and we know deck creation is a challenging aspect for many players. Deck Bundles were one idea to give players something new they could use early. We don't want to repeat the work of our partners at Mobalytics, but we are thinking about ways to make it easier to bring friends into LoR.

Since the new patch i've had issue's with SOL'S level up. So when I ahve 20+ power and round ends Sol sometimes just will not level up at all, this has happned in a few of my games were i have had a board 20+ power and he would not level up, any plans to look into this bug?

Leah: I can't speak to the specifics of this bug. But as a neat tidbit about bugs in general: For all bugs they will go through some triage process, including being verified by QA for a consistent repro, heading to production where they decide how impactful the bug is, and finally through engineering where we will of course attempt to fix it. There's a bunch of steps that go in the finding and fixing bugs that makes it a fun process.

Do you have plans to bring PVE game modes? Perhaps an event where there is a boss with a gigantic life, of which the community will have to strive to defeat and win prizes.

Dovagedys: Personally, I would love it if we were able to eventually add some PVE and/or story game modes to LOR. It's something we talk about and hope that we can do at some point, but right now we don't have any specific release date for a PVE mode.

If you had a poro in real life, what would you name it?

Dovagedys: Snack

How did you deal with the constructive criticism that most card game fans gave to you from the start of when the game was released? Ccg fans like hearthstone or MTG had made their opinions on your game, so I wonder what your opinions are on such criticism that you've been receiving the past few months

Whisper: Constructive criticism is crucial for us to grow and improve the game. We always knew that initial impressions especially from CCG fans were going to be heavily rooted in other games, and that's a totally reasonable starting point. The hope is that as they play and learn more about LoR they're able to see the strengths of what makes the game great.
DanCast: One of the areas where LoR's first impression isn't as great is in our rewards (say for Ranked or Gauntlets). In other CCGs, competitive game modes often reward cards. In games where high rarity cards are very hard to get, those rewards look very valuable.
So if you just compared rewards like icons or XP to card packs or rare cards, it looks like our rewards aren't motivating. Our philosophy on more accessible cards makes it more challenging to come up with rewards here, and it may take a new player time to see how quickly their collection can grow through the roads and vault to appreciate that difference. We're working on future things we can use as rewards to help with this.

A sandbox mode would be incredibly useful to help teach new players and give new scenarios for "puzzle" challenges and the like. Is there any technical limitation that makes this mode impossible to make? Or is this entirely impossible?

Leah: There is some technical implications to this unfortunately. As far as "puzzles" such as tutorials go, I know they can take some scripting that is special circumstance, which makes it a large time investment.
As far as a sandbox mode goes, there's a few things: exposing the right cheats on non-internal builds, the impact of having potentially infinitely long game times, or what to do about crashes as people try to do things that wouldn't happen in a normal game. We'd also have to contemplate how we load cards into the game at random (Do we need to check against your inventory, are we unloading cards no longer in use appropriately, is this impacting your game performance, etc). So not something I would say is impossible, but would take a decent time investment.

Which poro is your favorite?

Dovagedys: Nimble Poro. She's totally awesome. Also during development Steve Rubin (Live Balance Design Lead) wrote a short song about Nimble Poro and I will never forget it.

Love you Riot (?) <--- Question :uwuHeart:

Leah: Oh my, uhm, thank you

Do you think Quinn is acheiving her themeatic fantasy right now? Regardless of power level, do you think she feels 'cool' as a champion?

Dovagedys: I think so. I love Quinn and I'm really happy with her design in LOR. Her level up is one of my favorites.

how much do you take expeditions into account when designing a card (and especially assigning rarity)

Whisper: They are a soft consideration when it comes to initial design of a card. We usually do a larger pass with Expeditions once we know the general shape of the archetype. Rarity is part of that pass, given rarity helps influence appearance rate.

What's your favorite thing about the player base of LoR? Least favorite? spill the tea

DanCast:

Favorite: The dedication to creating a lively, welcoming, and meaningful community space for fans of the game and helping it grow.
Second favorite: The love for Spirit Blossom Corina and recognizing her from the promo art
Least Favorite: I don't know about some of your emote meta hot takes...

Whisper:

Fave: Y'alls meme game is off the charts and I love it
Least: Not enough love and support for the best bot, Slotbot

Dovagedys:

My favorite thing is the overwhelming positivity of the LOR community. I have been playing games on the internet for a very long time and I have never seen so much positivity in a game community before. It's astounding to me. I am very humbled by and proud of the community we are all building for LOR.
My least favorite aspect is the hyperbolic language the community sometimes uses when talking about the metagame, segregating decks that have 52% win rate as playble or S tier and decks that have 50% win rate as tier 2, 3, or even unplayable. I think that language and thought pattern leads to the erroneous idea that there are a small number of decks in the LOR metagame. When the reality is that there are 20-35 decks that all have win rates between 47% and 53%.(edited)

Knowing that in today's time there is a pandemic in the world, how did you deal working from home into developing the game as time passes by?

Leah: The pandemic is definitely a hard thing to deal with. I feel pretty lucky myself that Riot does it's best to take care of us during this time. Since I'm at a computer all day for my job, I try to take some time after work (or sometimes during, shh) to take a walk or rest if I need to.
Also making sure to stay hydrated, get plenty of rest, do some cool new hobbies, and talk with people when I'm feeling down! Gotta keep up that strong mental energy.

can we please get an article on how the spell mana system came to be? (and more design articles in general pls) (and less broad pls, the champions article only had like 2 sentences per champion)

Whisper: That is a great question! No immediate promises, but one thing I personally want to do more is write more design articles for y'all. Knowing what parts of design you want to hear about helps a ton.

Was there ever a specific champion that you loved to main and play as in League of Legends that you wished was in LoR?

Whisper: I keep trying to sneak in Twitch, but the other designers keep too many traps down

Poll: Assuming that SF6 has rollback netcode and 4way crossplay, what other features should be the next priority?

Spelunky 2 Trophies - How to unlock them, and some general tips/tricks! (MAJOR SPOILERS)

I know it's pretty early in the life of the game, and there are still 8 trophies that nobody's unlocked yet, but I figure I can share what I know, and we can pool resources to share what unlocks each trophy. If you haven't realized yet, there be spoilers ahead! Continue reading at your own risk!
If you know how to unlock any that I've got questions on, please leave a comment and I'll update the OP!
You Got This: Unlock the entrance in a non-seeded run.

Finish the tutorial.

Feels Good: Make it past 1-4 in a non-seeded run.

Self-explanatory. To get past the Quillback mini-boss in 1-4, give him some space so he can jump at you once or twice before rolling, climb up the ladder to avoid his roll, and exit the doorway on the right or left side. Video example.
Note: Exiting the left door at the bottom of 1-4 leads to the Jungle, and the right door leads to Volcano.

Skills Improving: Make it past Olmec's Lair in a non-seeded run.

Olmec's Lair is 3-1, after you finish the Jungle or Volcana. If you've seen Olmec in the previous Spelunky, you already know how this "fight" goes. Run underneath him to make him stomp the ground, and have him break through to the lower part of the level. If you don't have a way to float down, you might need to use a rope or take a point of fall damage.
Note 1: There's a pretty big surprise waiting for you once you're on the lower level. To move forward to the Tide Pool, make a quick getaway to the right side of this screen, push the block out of the way, and make your way to 4-1.
Note 2: If you or Olmec blow the way to the bottom of this next set of concrete blocks, you can enter the Temple of Anubis, instead of the Tide Pool.

Persistent: Reach the Ice Caves in a non-seeded run.

The Ice Caves are 5-1, after the Tide Pools (or the Temple of Anubis).
Getting through this area can be tricky the first time you see it. It's longer than a normal level, but you still have the same 3-minute timer before a ghost spawns. You have two sections in the "outer caves," which are similar to the Ice Caves in OG Spelunky, split up by an "inner cave" that's got two mini-bosses in the form of the Yeti Queen and Yeti King. Two main ways to get by:
Option 1: Take a landmine with you into the inner cave, and toss it so the Yeti Queen steps on it, giving you spike shoes if you don't already have them. Carefully jump on the Yeti King with the boots to kill him and nab a compass. Head out the door on the bottom and finish the caves.
Option 2: Skip the inner cave entirely, if you have a cape, parachute, jetpack, or anything else that lets you slow fall damage, as the two parts of the outer caves are connected. Even if you have these, it might be worth going in if you need spike shoes and/or a compass, but skipping it is definitely the safer option.

Journeyman: Complete the game in a non-seeded run.

Tiamat is the normal-mode boss at the end of 6-4. Kill her to get the win.
To kill her, you need to do damage to her head. If you've got long-range weapons (shotgun, bombs + paste, etc.), the easiest way to take her down is to throw a rope or two up, so you can hang out on one of the sides of the room and blast her from afar after bombing one of the big blocks near her head, blocking your shots.
If you don't have a long-range weapon, you might have to get up close and personal. It's possible to whip her to death by throwing up a rope near her face, but this will take a while, because every time you get close, she'll let out a scream that will do damage to you and knock you backwards. You'll want to run in, smack her once, then jump back away into the water. Bring a lot of patience, this method will take a while unless you have a stronger melee weapon.

Ironman: Complete the game without using shortcuts in a non-seeded, single-player run.

You can get all of the previous trophies using shortcuts and/or multiplayer. In this one, you need to start in 1-1 and make it all the way through the game through killing Tiamat.

Speedlunky: Complete the game in 10 minutes or less without shortcuts in a non-seeded, single-player run.

Self-explanatory. Do an Ironman run from 1-1 through the end in less than 10 minutes.
I haven't unlocked this one yet, but I suspect Volcana is faster than the Jungle, just because it's less crowded than the Jungle.

Low Scorer: Complete the game with no gold in a non-seeded, single player run.

This one is gonna be really tough. No shortcuts, no multiplayer to have someone else pick up all the gold/gems. Go slow, be careful about explosions rocketing gold into you when using bombs, and hope for some luck in your level randomization.

Pilgrim: Reach the Sunken City in a non-seeded, single-player run.

Strap in, this is a big one.
Bring the golden key in 1-2 or 1-3 to the chest in the same level to get the Udjat Eye
Take the left exit in 1-4 to the Jungle.
In 2-2, 2-3, or 2-4, the Udjat Eye will flash the closer you get to the secret entrance to the black market. Get the hedjet in here and continue on your way.
In 3-1, fully kill Olmec. Get him to phase 2, let him bomb the second layer of blocks away, and shoot/bomb the purple hover circles underneath him. After that, let him stomp into the lava, and take any one of the doors to the back part of this level. Make your way to the top and get the ankh, then leave this level through the lower of the two exits to get to the Temple of Anubis.
In 4-1, kill Anubis, and take his scepter to the next level.
In 4-2, you'll see a special golden locked door. If you have both the hedjet and the scepter, you can unlock this and get to the City of Gold.
In 4-3 (City of Gold), you'll find an altar with a big ankh behind it. Jump on the altar from high enough that you stun yourself, and you'll sacrifice yourself. As long as you have the ankh, you'll head to the next level as a ghost.
After the sacrifice, you're in Duat, without any weapon you were holding or anything on your back. You keep all other items, luckily. This area is pretty tough, but there's no ghost spawn here, so go slowly and avoid the snake that explodes horizontally across the level at a couple points. FYI, ropes don't work in this zone, because reasons. At the top, you'll fight Anubis 2 and Osiris. Kill Osiris (2 bombs) and pick up the Tablet of Destiny he drops, then kill Anubis 2 (4 bombs on his face), then take the portal to the ice caves.
Make your way to 6-2, where there'll be a door to a room with a ton of figurines. Check your journal to look at the entry for the Tablet of Destiny. The description changes every run, but it'll give you three characteristics to look out for. One will be a description of the figurine itself, like cracked or simple. Another will be the material it's made out of, like onyx or jade. The last will be the symbol on its chest, like a bat or ankh. Head around this room and find the one that matches all of these, then head out and finish the level.
In 6-3, drop the figurine right at the start of the level, and it will "hatch" into Qilin, which is a mount that can fly. Carefully make it through this level without letting Qilin die (it only has 4 health).
In 6-4, kill Tiamat (maybe not necessary?), then use Qilin to fly straight up to the top of the level. You'll have to dodge a bunch of lasers, and then take a secret exit, which brings you finally (phew) to the Sunken city.

Master: Complete the game by defeating Hundun in a non-seeded, single-player run.

Get to the Sunken City (see above), and make it to 7-4.
As far as I know, nobody's beaten Hundun yet, so I'm not sure what the best way to beat it is. The fight is pretty crazy, and not having a jetpack/shotgun combo (or a jetpack and a ton of bombs) is probably insanely difficult. Godspeed.

Awakened: Reach the Cosmic Ocean in a non-seeded, single-player run.

?????

Excavator: Complete the Moon Challenge in a non-seeded run.

In both the Jungle and Volcana, you'll see a special shop run by Tun that looks like this. Pay $10,000 and you can go inside and get a mattock which you can use to dig around this area. Keep going until the mattock breaks, and you'll unlock the trophy.
Note: I think this only spawns in 2-2 and 2-3, although I could be wrong on that.

Torchbearer: Complete the Star Challenge in a non-seeded run.

In the Tide Pools, you'll see a similar special shop to the Moon Challenge above. Inside, you'll have a few torches you can throw around, and a bunch of unlit torches that need to all be lit within a time limit. Light all of them within the time limit to unlock the trophy.
Note 1: This is made trivial if you have a jetpack. Grab the torch and fly around the room, EZ.
Note 2: Is this only found in 4-1 and 4-2? I can't remember if I've seen it anywhere else.

Survivor: Complete the Sun Challenge in a non-seeded run.

?????
Note: The Sun Challenge spawns in 7-1 of the Sunken City (I think it's a guaranteed spawn?). A bunch of hard enemies spawn, and I don't think anyone's completed this yet. Video of what you're getting yourself into: https://clips.twitch.tv/PiercingAmazingLionCoolCat

Millionaire: End a run with $1,000,000 or more in a non-seeded, single-player run.

This is a really high number to hit, and I'll bet it's easier once we figure out how to do the hard-mode ending, since it'll probably have extra levels in which we can collect money.

Seen a Lot: Complete 50% of the Journal or more.

Every time you encounter something new, it's added to your journal. Fill half of it to unlock this. I hit 50% around the time I was getting to fight Tiamat for the first time.
Note: Items in the Bestiary part of the Journal don't unlock unless you either kill or are killed directly by the creature. If a hired hand kills it, you don't get credit. If something stuns you and you fall into lava and die, you don't get credit.

Seen It All: Complete the Journal.

Finish the entire Journal. We're a ways off from being able to get this one, since there are still a lot of secrets being uncovered.
Note: If it's something people would want, I can make another thread with everything we currently know, and update it until we've got it all filled in?

Mama's Little Helper: Unlock the first shortcut.

After exiting 1-4, Terra will greet you and ask for $2,000. If you fill her requests three times (three separate runs of completing 1-4), it will unlock the first shortcut and allow you to start a new game after the Quillback mini-boss in 1-4, where you can decide if you want to go to the Jungle or Volcana.
First request: $2,000
Second request: One bomb
Final request: $10,000

Mama's Big Helper: Unlock all three shortcuts.

Similar to the first shortcut, Terra also shows up after beating Olmec in 3-1 and again after finishing the Tide Pools after 4-4. Fill all her requests to unlock these shortcuts for the trophy.
Second shortcut, first request: One rope
Second shortcut, second request: A weapon
- Going through the Jungle, a boomerang is the easiest thing to bring with you to donate.
Second shortcut, final request: A mount
- Volcana has a fair amount of rock dogs around, and they don't take any damage from the plentiful fire in the area, either.
Third shortcut, first request: $50,000
- If you're struggling to get the money for this, bringing a golden idol from world 4 to the exit will get you $20,000, and they're pretty easy to snatch if you're quick.
Third shortcut, second request: Hired hand
- This is pretty luck-based, since these guys like to get themselves killed. Hope for a bit of luck in finding a hired hand the level or two before seeing Terra, or a lot of luck in keeping one alive for longer than that.
- If you get a hired hand, you can pick him up, then crouch and drop him, and he'll go to sleep for the rest of that level, preventing himself from getting killed.
Third shortcut, final request: Golden key from world 1
- You've got to find the golden key from 1-2 or 1-3 and carry it with you all the way through 4-4. This is tough because you can't bring weapons with you on your journey.

Track Star: Finish the Tutorial Speedrun in under 30 seconds.

Re-entering the tutorial after completing it the first time lets you speedrun the level. You can't make mistakes if you're going to get under 30, but it's not especially hard to hit with a bit of practice.
Here's the route I used to get it, which I'm sure can be improved upon by a bit.

Arena Champion: Win a First-to-Five Deathmatch against three bots using the Default ruleset.

Pretty self-explanatory. It gets really hectic, so let the CPUs fight each other and try to go for crates to get weapons, or throw down bombs at them.

Turkey Whisperer: Bring two turkeys to Yang in a non-seeded run.

In 1-2 or 1-3, there's usually an area where Yang has a pen with one turkey walking around. There are two other turkeys in this level. Jump on them to tame them, and take them both back to his pen.

Support a Local Business: Buy out Yang's Pet Shop in a non-seeded run.

There'll eventually be a shop that's run by Yang instead of a shopkeeper. I found one in 2-1 (In Volcana, if it matters), u/ZombieClause said they've seen it in 1-3, 2-1, and 2-2. Buy the place out.
Note: If they're always the same stock, mine had three turkeys and a rope, for a total of $12,250.

VIP: Enter Madame Tusk's Palace of Pleasure as a guest (in a non-seeded run).

In 4-1 or 4-2 of the Tide Pools, you'll find Madam Tusk's dice game. Win the prize by rolling a 7 four times, and she'll call you a high roller. Keep playing until 6-3, where you can safely enter the Palace of Pleasure.
Thanks to u/Medreny for this solution!

Shadow Shopper: Reach the Black Market in a non-seeded run.

First, get the Udjat Eye in either 1-2 or 1-3 by bringing the golden key you find to a chest through one of the doors that leads to the back part of a level.
Take the exit to the Jungle (left exit) from 1-4.
In either 2-2, 2-3, or 2-4, the Udjat Eye will blink and make a noise, which will increase the closer you are to the entrance of the Black Market. Bomb the entrance open, and you'll find your way in.

Legendary: Reach the City of Gold in a non-seeded, single-player run.

Thanks to TehWavey's post here, it seems we have a way to get there now. Get the Udjat Eye in 1-2 or 1-3, take it to the Black Market in 2-2, 2-3, or 2-4, get the hedget from the market, Drop Olmec to the very bottom of his lair (get the ankh while you're down here), kill Anubis in 4-1 to get the scepter, then use the scepter and hedget in 4-2 to unlock the City of Gold.
It seems you can also use the crown from Volcana in place of the hedjet to unlock the City of Gold in 4-2.

Her Favorite: Obtain the Kapala in a non-seeded run.

Kali's altar is the stone altar covered in blood, which looks like this. Make enough creature sacrifices on the altar to get the Kapala and collect it. This is a fantastic item to have in general, because the drops of blood spilled when you do damage to enemies are converted into life for you.
I'm not sure if the values are the same as OG Spelunky, but general rules of thumb:
- A live pet (dog/cat/hamster, the animals you rescue in each level) is worth the most (8 points). You need 16 favor points to get the Kapala.
- Live creatures are always worth more than dead ones.
- To sacrifice something alive, it needs to be stunned when you put it on the altar. You can only sacrifice dead things that leave a body behind when dead (Shopkeepers, mounts, moles, cavemen, etc.)

Divine Right: Obtain some royal headwear in a non-seeded run.

Get the Udjat Eye in 1-2 or 1-3 (see Shadow Shopper), and take the 1-4 exit to Volcana. In 2-2, 2-3, or 2-4 (confirmation needed?), there will be a big drill at the top of the level that looks like this.
Stand over the block with the triangle on it and activate it, which will send the drill all the way below the bottom of the level, revealing two exits. The one that looks normal will lead to the following level as if you didn't do anything special, but the one in a room of red bricks will take you to Vlad's tower.
Scale the tower, and at the top will be Vlad, a mini-boss who can teleport, and the crown. Grab the crown to get the trophy.
Note 1: Killing Vlad lets you get his cape, which is like a normal cape that also lets you double jump. Pair with spring shoes to get some truly big air!
Note 2: This might also unlock from getting the Hedjet in the Black Market? I got the crown first, so I'm not sure what else would make this trophy unlock.

A Second Chance: Obtain the Ankh in a non-seeded run.

I haven't unlocked this yet, but u/TehWavey found out here that if you drop Olmec all the way to the bottom of 3-1, you can get the ankh from the top of one of the caves that you enter at the bottom.

Chosen One: Obtain the Tablet of Destiny in a non-seeded run.

Get to the City of Gold with the ankh (see above entries for those two). In the City of Gold, there's an altar with a big ankh above it. Jump onto the altar from high enough that you end up being stunned and on the altar, sacrificing yourself.
This brings you to Duat, without a weapon or anything you carried on your back (You keep all other items, though). Make it to the top of this area, and you'll fight Osiris and Anubis II. Osiris (who dies to two paste bombs) drops the Tablet of Destiny.

Parenthood: Wake the Eggplant Child in a non-seeded run.

You can get an eggplant by sacrificing a present to the Kali altar, just like the previous game, but that alone doesn't unlock the trophy.
Carefully bring this eggplant to 5-1 in the Ice Caves and place the eggplant on the purple altar.
Thanks to Wolfo on the Discord for confirming!

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