Today i have a confession to make: i'm a little bit of a minmaxer. And honestly, i think that's a pretty desirable trait in a DM. The minmaxer knows the rules, and exploits them to maximum efficiency.
"But wait, what does that have to do with spell use in society?" - someone, probably.
Well, the thing is that humans are absolutely all about minmaxing. There's a rule in the universe that reads "gas expands when hot", and suddenly we have steam engines (or something like that, i'm a political scientist not an engineer). A rule says 1+1 = 2, and suddenly we have calculus, computers and all kinds of digital stuff that runs on math. Sound is energy? Let's convert that shit into electricity, run it through a wire and turn it back into sound on the other side.
Bruh. Science is just minmaxing the laws of nature. Humanity in real life is just a big bunch of munchkins, and it should be no different in your setting.
And that is why minmaxing magic usage is something societies as a whole would do, specially with some notable spells. Today i will go in depth on how and why each of these notable mentions has a huge impact on a fantasy society.
We'll go from lowest level to highest, keeping in mind that the lower level a spell the more common it should be to find someone who has it, so often a level 2-3 spell will have more impact than a level 9 spell.
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Mending (cantrip).
Repair anything in one minute. Your axe lost its edge? Tore your shirt? Just have someone Mend it.
Someone out there is crying "but wait! Not every village has a wizard!" and while that is true, keep in mind any High Elf knows a cantrip, as can any Variant Human.
A single "mender" could replace a lot of the work a smith, woodworker or seamstress does, freeing their time to only work on making new things rather than repair old ones.
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Prestidigitation (cantrip).
Clean anything in six seconds. Committed axe murders until the axe got blunt, and now there's blood everywhere? Dog shit on your pillow out of spite? Someone walked all over the living room with muddy boots? Just Prestidigitate it away.
This may look like a small thing, but its actually huge when you apply it to laundry. Before washing machines were a thing housewives had to spend several hours a week washing them manually, and with Prestidigitation you can just hire someone to get it done in a few minutes.
A single "magic cleaner" can attend to several dozen homes, if not hundreds, thus freeing several hours of the time of dozens of women.
Fun fact: there's an interesting theory that says feminism only existed because of laundry machines and similar devices. Women found themselves having more free time, which they used to read and socialize. Educated women with more contacts made for easy organization of political movements, and the fact men were now able to do "the women's work" by pushing a button meant men were less opposed to losing their housewives' labor. Having specialized menders and magic cleaners could cause a comparable revolution in a fantasy setting, and help explain why women have a similar standing to men even in combat occupations such as adventuring.
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Healing in general (1st-2nd level).
This one is fairly obvious. A commoner has 4 hit points, that means just about any spell is a full heal to the average person. That means most cuts, stab wounds, etc. can be solved by the resident cleric. Even broken bones that would leave you in bed for months can be solved in a matter of seconds as soon as the holy man arrives.
But that's nothing compared to the ability to cure diseases. While the only spell that can cure diseases is Lesser Restoration, which is second level, a paladin can do it much more easily with just a Lay on Hands. This means if one or two people catch a disease it can just be eradicated with a touch.
However doing that comes with a cost. If everyone is instantly expunged of illness, the populace does not build up their immune systems. Regular disease becomes less common, sure, but whenever it is reintroduced (by, say, immigrants or contact with less civilized humanoids) it can spread like wildfire, afflicting people so fast that no amount of healers will have the magic juice to deal with it.
Diseases become rare, plagues become common.
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Continual Flame (2nd).
Ok, this one is a topic i love and could easily be its own post.
There's an article called "Why the Falling Cost of Light Matters", which goes in detail about how man went from chopping wood for fire, to using animal fat for candles, then other oils, whale oil, kerosene, then finally incandescent light bulbs, and more recently LED lights. Each of these leaps is orders of grandeur more efficient than the previous one, to the point that the cost of light today is about 500,000 times cheaper than it was for for a caveman. And until the early 1900s the only way mankind knew of making light was to set things on fire.
Continual Flame on the other hand allows you to turn 50gp worth of rubies and a 2nd level spell slot into a torch that burns forever. In a society that spends 60 hours of labor to be able to generate 140 minutes of light, this is a huge game changer.
This single spell, which i am 99% sure was just created as an excuse for why the dungeon is lit despite going for centuries without maintenance, allows you to have things like public lighting. Even if you only add a new "torchpost" every other week or month sooner or later you'll be left with a neatly lit city, specially if the city has had thousands of years in which to gather the rubies and light them up.
And because the demand of rubies becomes so important, consider how governments would react. Lighting the streets is a public service, if its strategically relevant to make the city safer at night, would that not warrant some restrictions on ruby sales? Perhaps even banning the use of rubies in jewelry?
Trivia: John D. Rockefeller, the richest man in history, gained his wealth selling kerosene. Kerosene at the time was used to light lamps. Gasoline was invented much later, when Rockefeller tasked a bunch of scientists to come up with a use for some byproducts of the kerosene production. This illustrates how much money is to be had in the lighting industry, and you could even have your own Rockefeller ruby baron in your game. I shall call him... Dohn J. Stonebreaker. Perfect name for a mining entrepreneur.
Whether the ruby trade ends up a monopoly under the direct supervision of the king or a free market, do keep in mind that Continual Flame is by far the most efficient way of creating light.
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Gentle Repose (2nd).
Cast it on a corpse, and it stays preserved for 10 days.
This has many potential uses, from preserving foodstuffs (hey, some rare meats are expensive enough to warrant it) to keeping the bodies of old rulers preserved. Even if a ruler died of old age and cannot be resurrected, the body could be kept "fresh" out of respect/ceremony. Besides, it keeps the corpse from becoming undead.
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Skywrite (2nd).
Ok, this one is mostly a gag. While the spell can be used by officials to make official announcements to the populace, such as new laws or important news, i like to just use it for spam. I mean, its a ritual spell that writes a message on the sky; what else would people use it for?
Imagine you show up in a city, and there's half a dozen clouds reading "buy at X, we have what you need", "get your farming supplies over at Joe's store" or "vote Y for the city council".
The possibilities are endless, and there's no way the players can expect it. Just keep in mind that by RAW the spell can only do words, meaning no images. No Patrick, "8===D" is not a word.
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Zone of Truth (2nd).
This one is too obvious. Put all suspects of a crime into a ZoT, wait a couple minutes to make sure they fail the save, then ask each one if he did it. Sure its not a perfect system, things like the Ring of Mind Shielding still exist, but it's got a better chance of getting the right guy than most medieval justice systems. And probably more than a few contemporary ones. All while taking only a fraction of the time.
More importantly, with all the average crimes being handled instantly, the guards and investigators have more time to properly investigate the more unusual crimes that might actually involve a Thought Shield, Ring of Mind Shielding or a level 17 Mastermind.
There is a human rights argument against messing with people's minds in any way, which is why this may not be practiced in every kingdom. But there are definitely some more lawful societies that would use ZoT on just about every crime.
Why swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth when you can just stand in a zone of truth?
Another interesting use for ZoT is oaths. When someone is appointed into an office, gets to a high rank in the military or a guild, just put them in a ZoT while they make their oath to stand for the organization's values and yadda yadda. Of course they can be corrupted later on, but at least you make sure they're honest when they are sworn in.
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Sending (3rd).
Sending is busted in so many ways.
The more "vanilla" use of it is to just communicate over long distances. We all know that information is important, and that sometimes getting information a whole day ahead can lead to a 40% return on a massive two-year investment. Being able to know of invasions, monsters, disasters, etc. without waiting days or weeks for a courier can be vital for the survival of a nation. Another notable example is that one dude who ran super fast for a while to be the first to tell his side of a recent event.
But the real broken thing here is... Sending can Send to any creature, on any plane; the only restriction being "with which you are familiar". In D&D dead people just get sent to one of the afterlife planes, meaning that talking to your dead grandfather would be as simple as Sending to him. Settling inheritance disputes was never easier!
Before moving on to the next point let me ask you something: Is a cleric familiar with his god? Is a warlock familiar with his patron?
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Speak With Dead (3rd).
Much like Sending, this lets you easily settle disputes. Is the senate/council arguing over a controversial topic? Just ask the beloved hero or ruler from 200 years ago what he thinks on the subject. As long his skeleton still has a jaw (or if he has been kept in Gentle Repose), he can answer.
This can also be used to ask people who killed them, except murderers also know this. Plan on killing someone? Accidentally killed someone? Make sure to inutilize the jaw. Its either that, being so stealthy the victim can't identify you, or being caught.
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Note on spell availability.
Oh boy. No world-altering 4th level spells for some reason, and suddenly we're playing with the big boys now.
Spells up to 3rd level are what I'd consider "somewhat accessible", and can be arranged for a fee even for regular citizens. For instance the vanilla Priest statblock (MM348) is a 5th level cleric, and the standard vanilla Druid (MM346) a 4th level druid.
Spells of 5th level onward will be considered something only the top 1% is able to afford, or large organizations such as guilds, temples or government.
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Dream (5th).
I was originally going to put Dream along with Sending and Telepathy as "long range communication", but decided against it due to each of them having unique uses.
And when it comes to Dream, it has the unique ability of allowing you to put your 8 hours of sleep to good use. A tutor could hire someone to cast Dream on him, thus allowing him to teach his student for 8 hours at any distance. This is a way you could even access hermits that live in the middle of nowhere or in secluded monasteries. Very wealthy families or rulers would be willing to pay a good amount of money to make sure their heirs get that extra bit of education.
Its like online classes, but while you sleep!
Another interesting use is for cheating. Know a princess or queen you like? She likes you back? Her dad put 400 trained soldiers between you? No problemo! Just find a 9th level Bard, Warlock or Wizard, but who am i kidding, of course it'll be a bard. And that bard is probably you. Now you have 8 hours to do whatever you want, and no physical evidence will be left.
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Raise Dead (5th).
Few things matter more in life than death. And the ability to resurrect people has a huge impact on society. The impact is so huge that this topic needs topics of its own.
First, diamond monopoly. Remember what i said about how Continual Flame would lead to controlled ruby sales due to its strategic value? This is the same principle, but a hundred times stronger. Resurrection is a huge strategic resource. It makes assassinations harder, can be used to bring back your officials or highest level soldiers over and over during a war, etc. This means more authoritarian regimes would do everything within their power to control the supply and stock of diamonds. Which in turn means if anyone wants to have someone resurrected, even in times of peace, they'll need to call in a favor, do a quest, grease some hands...
Second, resurrection insurance. People hate risks. That's why insurance is such a huge industry, taking up about 15% of the US GDP. People insure their cars, houses... even their lives. Resurrection just means "life insurance" is taken more literally. This makes even more sense when you consider how expensive resurrection is: nobody can afford it in one go, but if you pay a little every month or year you can save up enough to have it done when the need arises.
This is generally incompatible with the idea of a State-run monopoly over diamonds, but that just means different countries within a setting can take different approaches.
To make things easier, i even used some microeconomics to make a sheet in my personal random generators to calculate the price of such a service. Just head to the "Insurance" tab and fill in the information relative to your setting.
With actual life insurance resurrection can cost as little as 5gp a year for humans or 8sp a year for elves, making resurrection way more affordable than it looks.
Also, do you know why pirates wore a single gold earring? It was so that if your body washes up on the shore whoever finds it can use the money to arrange a proper burial. Sure there's a risk of the finder taking it and walking away, but the pirates did it anyway. With resurrection in play, might as well just wear a diamond earring instead and hope the finder is nice enough to bring you back.
I got so carried away with the whole insurance thing i almost forgot: the possibility of resurrection also changes how murders are committed.
If you want someone dead but resurrection exists, you have to remove the vital organs. Decapitation would be far more common. Sure resurrection is still possible, but it requires higher level spells or Reincarnate, which has... quirks.
As a result it should be very obvious when someone was killed by accident or an overreaction, and when someone was specifically out to kill the victim.
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Scrying (5th).
This one is somewhat obvious, in that everyone and their mother knows it helps finding people. But who needs finding? Well, that would be those who are hiding.
The main use i see for this spell, by far, is locating escaped criminals. Just collect a sample of hair or blood when arresting someone (or shipping them to hard labor which is way smarter), and if they escape you'll be almost guaranteed to successfully scry on them.
A similar concept to this is seen in the Dragon Age series. If you're a mage the paladins keep a sample of your blood in something called a phylactery, and that can be used to track you down. There's even a quest or two about mages trying to destroy their phylacteries before escaping.
Similarly, if you plan a jailbreak it would be highly beneficial to destroy the blood/hair sample first. As a matter of fact i can even see a thieves guild hiring a low level party to take out the sample while the professional infiltrators get the prisoner out. Keep in mind both events must be done at the same time, otherwise the guards will just collect a new sample or would have already taken it to the wizard.
But guards aren't the only ones with resources. A loan shark could keep blood samples of his debtors, a mobster can keep one of those who owe him favors, etc. And the blood is ceremoniously returned only when the debt is fully paid.
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Teleportation Circle (5th), Transport Via Plants (6th).
In other words, long range teleportation. This is such a huge thing that it is hard to properly explain how important it is.
Teleportation Circle creates a 10ft. circle, and everyone has one round to get in and appear on the target location. Assuming 30ft. movement that means you can get 192 people through, which is a lot of potential merchants going across any distance. Or 672 people dashing.
Math note: A 30ft radius square around a 10ft. diameter square, minus the 4 original squares. Or [(6*2+2)^2]-4 squares of 5ft. each. Hence 192 people.
Getting hundreds of merchants, workers, soldiers, etc. across any distance is nothing to scoff at. In fact, it could help explain why PHB item prices are so standardized: Arbitrage is so easy and cheap that price differences across multiple markets become negligible. Unless of course countries start setting up tax collectors outside of the permanent teleportation circles in order to charge tariffs.
Transport Via Plants does something very similar but it requires 5ft of movement to go through, which means less people can be teleported. On the other hand it doesn't burn 50gp and can take you to any tree the druid is familiar with, making it nearly impossible for tax collectors to be waiting on the other side. Unfortunately druids tend to be a lot less willing to aid smugglers, so your best bet might be a bard using spells that don't belong to his list.
With these methods of long range teleportation not only does trade get easier, but it also becomes possible to colonize or inhabit far away places. For instance if someone finds a gold mine in the antarctic you could set up a mine and bring food and other supplies via teleportation.
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Major Image (6th level slot).
Major Image is a 3rd level spell that creates an illusion over a 20ft cube, complete with image, sound, smell and temperature. When cast with a 6th level slot or higher, it lasts indefinitely.
That my friends, is a huge spell. Why get the world's best painter to decorate the ceiling of your cathedral when you can just get an illusion made in six seconds?
The uses for decorating large buildings is already good, but remember: we're not restricted to sight.
Cast this on a room and it'll always be cool and smell nice. Inns would love that, as would anyone who always sleeps or works in the same room. Desert cities have never been so chill.
You can even use an illusion to make the front of your shop seem flashier, while hollering on loop to bring customers in.
The only limit to this spell is your imagination, though I'm pretty sure it was originally made just to hide secret passages.
Trivia: the ki-rin (VGM163) can cast Major Image as a 6th level spell, at will. It's probably meant to give them fabulous lairs yet all it takes is someone doing the holy horsey a big favor, and it could enchant the whole city in a few hours. Shiniest city on the planet, always at a nice temperature and with a fragrance of lilac, gooseberries or whatever you want.
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Simulacrum (7th).
Spend 12 hours and 1500gp worth of ruby dust, and get a clone of yourself. Notably, each caster can only have one simulacrum, regardless of who the person he cloned is.
How this changes the world? By allowing the rich and powerful to be in two places at once. Kings now have a perfect impersonator who thinks just like them. A wealthy banker can run two branches of his company. Etc.
This makes life much easier, but also competes with Continual Flame over resources.
It also gives "go fuck yourself" a whole new meaning, making the sentence a valid Suggestion.
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Clone (8th).
If there's one spell i despise, its Clone.
Wizard-only preemptive resurrection. Touch spell, costs 1.000gp worth of diamonds each time, takes 120 days to come into effect, and creates a copy of the creature that the soul occupies if the original dies. Oh, and the copy can be made younger.
Why is it so despicable? Because it makes people effectively immortal. Accidents and assassinations just get you sent to the clone, and old age can be forever delayed because you keep going back to younger versions of yourself. Being a touch spell means the wizard can cast it on anyone he wants.
In other words: high level wizards, and only wizards, get to make anyone immortal.
That means wizards will inevitably rule any world in which this spell exists.
Think about it. Rulers want to live forever. Wizards can make you live forever. Wizards want other stuff, which you must give them if you want to continue being Cloned. Rulers who refuse this deal eventually die, rulers who accept stick around forever. Natural selection makes it so that eventually the only rulers left are those who sold their soul to wizards. Figuratively, i hope.
The fact that there are only a handful of wizards out there who are high enough level to cast the spell means its easier for them organize and/or form a cartel or union (cartels/unions are easier to maintain the fewer suppliers are involved).
This leads to a dystopian scenario where mages rule, kings are authoritarian pawns and nobody else has a say in anything. Honestly it would make for a fun campaign in and of itself, but unless that's specifically what you're going for it'll just derail everything else.
Oh, and Clone also means any and all liches are absolute idiots. Liches are people who turned themselves into undead abominations in order to gain eternal life at the cost of having to feed on souls. They're all able to cast 9th level wizard spells, so why not just cast an 8th level one and keep undeath away? Saves you the trouble of going after souls, and you keep the ability to enjoy food or a day in the sun.
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Demiplane (8th).
Your own 30ft. room of nothingness. Perfect place for storage and a DM's nightmare given how once players have access to it they'll just start looting furniture and such. Oh the horror.
But alas, infinite storage is not the reason this is a broken spell. No sir.
Remember: you can access someone else's demiplane. That means a caster in city 1 can put things into a demiplane, and a caster in city 2 can pull them out of any surface.
But wait, there's more! There's nothing anywhere saying you can't have two doors to the same demiplane open at once. Now you're effectively opening a portal between two places, which stays open for a whole hour.
But wait, there's even more! Anyone from any plane can open a door to your neat little demiplane. Now we can get multiple casters from multiple planes connecting all of those places, for one hour. Sure this is a very expensive thing to do since you're having to coordinate multiple high level individuals in different planes, but the payoff is just as high. We're talking about potential integration between the most varied markets imaginable, few things in the multiverse are more valuable or profitable. Its a do-it-yourself Sigil.
One little plot hook i like about demiplanes is abandoned/inactive ones. Old wizard/warlock died, and nobody knows how to access his demiplanes. Because he's at least level 15 you just know there's some good stuff in there, but nobody can get to it. Now the players have to find a journal, diary, stored memory or any other way of knowing enough about the demiplane to access it.
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True Polymorph (9th).
True Polymorph. The spell that can turn any race into any other race, or object. And vice-versa. You can go full fairy godmother and turn mice into horses. For a spell that can change anything about one's body it would not be an unusual ruling to say it can change one's sex. At the very least it can turn a man into a chair, and the chair into a woman (or vice-versa of course).
But honestly, that's just the tip of the True Polymorph iceberg. Just read this more carefully:
> You transform the creature into a different creature, the creature into a nonmagical object, or the object into a creature
This means you can turn a rock or twig into a human. A fully functional human with, as far as the rules go, a soul. You can create life.
But wait, there's more! Nothing there says you have to turn the target into a known creature on an existing creature. The narcissist bard wants to create a whole race of people who look like him? True Polymorph. A player wants to play a weird ass homebrew race and you have no idea how it would fit into the setting? True Polymorph. Wizard needs a way to quickly populate a kingdom and doesn't want to wait decades for the subjects to grow up? True Polymorph. Warlock must provide his patron 100 souls in order to free his own? True Polymorph. The sorcerer wants to do something cool? Fuck that guy, sorcerers don't get any of the fun high level spells; True Poly is available to literally every arcane caster but the sorcerer.
Note: what good is Twinned Spell if all the high level twinnable spells have been specifically made unavailable to sorcerers?
Do keep in mind however that this brings a whole new discussion on human rights. Does a table have rights? Does it have rights after being turned into a living thing? If it had an owner, is it now a slave? Your country will need so many new laws, just to deal with this one spell.
People often say that high level wizards are deities for all intents and purposes. This is the utmost proof of that. Clerics don't get to create life out of thin air, wizards do. The cleric worships a deity, the wizard is the deity.
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Conclusion.
Intelligent creatures not only can game the system, but it is entirely in character for them to do so. I'll even argue that if humanoids don't use magic to improve their lives when it's available, you're pushing the suspension of disbelief.
With this post i hope to have helped you make more complex and realistic societies, as well as provide a few interesting and unusual plot hooks
Lastly, as much as i hate comment begging i must admit i am eager to see what spells other players think can completely change the world. Because at the end of the day we all know that extra d6 damage is not what causes empires to rise and fall, its the utility spells that make the best stories.
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Edit: Added spell level to all spells, and would like to thank u/kaul_field for helping with finishing touches and being overall a great mod.

2020 Italian GP Free Practice 1 and 2 Debrief

Words by UnmeshDatta26, Death_Pig, and showstopperNL

• Free Practice 1 Results
• Free Practice 2 Results
• FIA Documents for the Italian GP

Discussion Threads:

• Free Practice 1 Discussion Thread
• Free Practice 2 Discussion Thread

More Impactful News Since Belgium

After a busy week in Belgium saw several important developments, the F1 circus returns to the Temple of Speed having seen another busy week on the news front.

Williams Family Leaves F1

The Williams F1 team announced last weekend that the team has been sold to Dorilton Capital, a USA investment firm. At the time, the destiny of Sir Frank and especially that of Deputy Team Principal Claire Williams were up in the air, everyone involved giving vague and non-committal answers to questions about the direction of the team moving forward.
There were plenty of rumors flying around that neither would carry on in the team, and these were confirmed this week, as the team announced this will be Claire Williams’ last race as Deputy Team Principal, with no replacement named yet. Sir Frank and Sir Patrick Head founded the team 43 years ago and the Tuscany Grand Prix will be the first time the team is not headed by someone with the Williams last name.
In those years, the team won 7 Drivers’ titles, 9 Constructors’ titles, with drivers such as Keke Rosberg, Nigel Mansell, Nelson Piquet, Damon Hill, Alain Prost, Ayrton Senna, Damon Hill, David Coulthard, and Jacques Villeneuve driving for the team. More recently, Nico Rosberg, Valtteri Bottas, Sebastian Vettel, and Lance Stroll all got their first taste of an F1 car in a Williams.
The team faced incredible financial struggles after the car’s performance dropped in the last few years, with main sponsor Rokit ending their agreement before the 2020 season.
The team has announced that the Board of Directors will now be composed of Matthew Savage (chairman of Dorilton Capital), Darren Fultz (CEO of Dorilton), and James Matthews (CEO of Eden Rock Group).
The departure of the Williams family from F1 brings a lot of sadness to many fans, even if the team name will be maintained (for now, at least), as one of the legendary names in F1 leaves the sport. We say goodbye to the Williams family with sadness, as they were a great example of the determination, hard work, ingenuity, and commitment that helped Formula 1 become what it is today.

Technical Directive Slows Down Engines

The new Technical Directive designed to end the use of “party modes” has finally been set by the FIA. Teams will now have to use the same engine mode from the start of qualifying to the end of the race.
Nominally, it appears the objective of the TD is to hold Mercedes’ PUs back, but initial analysis shows that it may actually help the Mercedes-powered teams, so we will have to wait and see what actually happens.
It would be great for fans of Mercedes and of schadenfreude if the TD had the diametrically opposite effect.
ERS usage has not been affected, so drivers will still have their hybrid options available to them.

Tech Talk And Rules Update

For this weekend, we will be seeing the lowest downforce packages of the entire season, with the skinniest rear wings and the most angled front wings for each team. Some teams, such as McLaren, even tested parts for this weekend at Spa, as they all bring their lowest downforce package to Monza. Expect to see tiny rear wings and top speeds in excess of 350 kph over the weekend.
The FIA’s crackdown on track limit abuse marches on and at Monza, they are cracking the whip hard. Timing loops have been installed at the exit of Parabolica to monitor track extensions (with both the current and next laps being deleted if the driver goes beyond the limit), whereas last year they had to rely on camera shots to make sure the drivers kept all wheels inside the white lines, resulting in some confusion about some track extensions.
There looks to be no chance of rain, and the temperatures look to be stable and pleasant throughout the weekend.
Lastly, in an attempt to avoid a repeat of last year’s qualifying debacle, Michael Masi sent the teams a document reinforcing the rule of Article 27.4 of the Sporting Regulations while also establishing maximum lap times for FP3 and Qualifying.
[Note: Article 27.4 reads: “[a]t no time may a car be driven unnecessarily slowly, erratically or in a manner which could be deemed potentially dangerous to other drivers or any other person.”]
With the tow from another car being very powerful at Monza, however, we will have to wait for tomorrow to see if the FIA will in fact strictly enforce Article 27.4, and also wait to see if the tragicomical scenes from last year’s qualifying session will be repeated.
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Free Practice 1

Friday morning started off slow, with teams waiting a while before getting started. The first timed lap came with around 20 minutes gone in the session, Alexander Albon setting a time that was promptly deleted for track limits at Parabolica. It would not be the last time we would see that happen.
The track showed its greenness, multiple drivers locking up as they applied the brakes,, the most notable of these being Sebastian Vettel and Romain Grosjean, who both locked up their front tires going into the second chicane.
Vettel’s struggles were not restricted to a lock-up, though. The 4-time champion went off at Lesmo 1 and kicked up a lot of gravel, finishing the season with only the 19th fastest time, ahead only of Nicolas Latifi. The other Williams FW43 was driven by Israeli F2 driver Roy Nissany, who finished immediately ahead of Vettel in P18.
Max Verstappen was also in trouble during the session, losing the rear in the second leg of Ascari and crashing into barriers. He was able to limp home to the pits, sans his front wing. The usual quick Red Bull pit work had him back on track in a few minutes, but he could not find his usual torrid pace, while his teammate found himself third behind the all-powerful Mercedes duo.
Mercedes seemed unperturbed about the engine mode change ban, stamping their authority right from the start. Even if Valtteri Bottas appeared to struggle in the early going with a number of lock-ups and off-track excursions, he managed to set the fastest lap by the time the checkered flag came out, a 1:20.703 leading his teammate by over 0.2 second.
As has been the case throughout the season, the W11 reigned supreme around Monza, Albon’s best lap 0.797s slower than Bottas’ best effort. The Mercedes driver was irked by both the Williams drivers for their car placement, the Finn being very vocal about Latifi and Nissany not paying attention to the faster car’s approach.
Outside the rarefied heights of the W11, the midfield battle continued to be as tight as ever. AlphaTauri’s Pierre Gasly’s different to 17th placed Kimi Räikkönen was less than a second. Ferrari, usually a force at their home event, had another miserable session, along with the teams that use their PU. Charles Leclerc managed the 11th best time, 1.201 second to Bottas, while Haas had to retire Kevin Magnussen early due to cooling issues. While teams do run different programs with their drivers in Free Practices, the lack of pace of the Ferrari-powered cars is still evident at Monza.
The battle in the midfield seems to be tightening up, with Renault’s Daniel Ricciardo predicting a strong weekend for the French outfit after the RS20 showed impressive pace around Spa. Touted to be an extremely fast car on straights, Monza should be perfect for Ricciardo and Esteban Ocon to show the RS20’s pace. McLaren, after having a few lacklustre weekends, will be looking to turn the tides at Monza as well. Racing Point will, obviously, try to frustrate the other two teams’ expectations, in what promises to be another intense battle in the midfield.
The traffic problems at Monza persisted, with everyone trying to get the best tow into their flying laps.
Lando Norris commented about how the FIA should do something about the dangerously slow speeds cars queued up to start their laps, and Lance Stroll was not particularly happy with the traffic through Turn 6. But the tow’s powerful effect cannot be denied, so teams are always looking for some help. Leclerc was clearly worried about getting a tow whenever possible, as the Ferrari could certainly use some help.
Gasly appears to have maintained his strong form from Belgium, setting some rapid times in the AT01 before having a slight off into the gravel at T5. But with the engine running and the car pointing the right way, he was able to get rolling without too much damage and set a very respectable time, good enough for 6th place, while his teammate’s apparent resurgence continues, with Daniil Kvyat finishing the session with the 4th best time, between both Red Bulls.
—-

Free Practice 2

The second session also got off to a slow start. After about 15 minutes, teams started to head out. Some minor incidents included Romain Grosjean locking up at Turn 1 and Leclerc having his time deleted for track limits at the Parabolica.
With more cars out on track, teams looked for ways to test out the slipstream. The midfield teams were especially eager to attempt to use a tow, as a properly executed manoeuvre can lead to a gain of half a second or more on a fast lap.
The session then went into a short lull where nobody was out on track for a few minutes. Around the 60-minute mark, the session went into a higher gear, with all 20 cars on track. 15 of those 20 cars got caught in a giant traffic jam towards to the Parabolica.
Ricciardo, after posting a strong session for Renault in the morning session, was on his way to a similar result, but had his time deleted for track limits at the Parabolica, with Vettel and Albon suffering the same fate later in the session.
After qualifying simulations were done, most teams did longer runs on more durable tire compounds, with Hamilton going 0.2 second faster than his teammate while fellow Briton Norris had a PU issue, and was forced to go back into the pits. He would make amends, though, finishing the session with the third best time, less than half a second ahead of Gasly’s AlphaTauri.
Over at Ferrari, Vettel’s woes were not done for the day. Coming into Lesmos, the SF1000 twitched sending him on a spin, and rolling in reverse into the Tecpro barriers, a severely flat spotted set of tires being the worst consequence. Leclerc had a small outing into the gravel at the same spot, grumbling “[t]his is such a difficult car to drive”.
Down at the Alpha Tauri garage, it was raining purple for Daniil Kvyat, why Gasly maintained his strong form through the session until the end, when something broke in his AT01, the French driver complaining of a springy rear end and slowly limping back to the pits.

Predictions:

u/DeathPig: Mercedes seem set to be on pole, even if they mess up the tow. The W11 is that powerful. However, we might see a toss up of the qualifying order with the teams thinking about which engine mode to use for qualifying as well as the race. I predict Mercedes, Red Bull, Racing Point to be in the top 6, with Ferrari, McLaren, and Alpha Tauri making up the rear of this train. As for the race, it should be a HAM BOT VER podium followed by Checo, who would have been pursued yet not passed by Alexander Albon. Ricciardo will move into sixth, Leclerc into seventh, and Stroll eighth. Personally, I’m not betting on Gasly after his problems today, but time will tell.
u/UnmeshDatta26: Toto Wolff has talked about how he thinks the party mode ban wouldn’t affect the team, so I expect the two Mercedes cars to be on top, along with their 2019 car painted in pink for Racing Point. That said, Red Bull are my pick for second best come qualifying. Alpha Tauri are sure to challenge for a top 10 spot following the great showing at Spa last weekend, although Kvyat has been some distance away from his teammate. McLaren should be close with Renault in the fight for the top 10, and as much as my Ferrari heart bleeds, I expect the Prancing Horse to be outside of the points. Leclerc could spring a surprise, but I don’t expect anything special. For Qualifying, I expect the two Mercedes drivers to share the front row along with the Racing Point duo, with a faint chance of the Red Bull duo breaking up the hegemony.
u/showstopperNL: I’ll stay away from the usual predictions, because I think we all know the score at front, but in the midfield and further back I’m really expecting some fireworks. Renault seemed really quick. It didn’t show in the end, but Ricciardo’s deleted lap time was 2nd fastest. With last weekend’s performance in mind I'm expecting big things. Certainly a top 6 in qualifying, maybe even out qualifying Max Verstappen. Renault will battle along with Racing Point and Mclaren for the top 6 on Sunday. AlphaTauri looked good, but I think when push comes to shove, they lack the ultimate one lap pace to really compete. Although I’m happy to be proven wrong. I have a soft spot for Gasly. The way he was treated by both Red Bull and the media seemed really unfair to me. I think Russell can make it out of Q1 again. He certainly seems to understand how to get the most out of his car. I don’t expect much from all Ferrari-powered cars. Both Ferrari drivers are very unhappy with the car, as showcased by their offs in FP2.
Editor's Note: Sorry for the delay, but the editor was called to help put out a small bushfire and things took a little longer than expected.

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I'd never been very fond of tea. Iced tea, sure. The Arnold Palmer was probably my favourite drink in the world. But actual proper tea? Well, I wasn't a fan of hot leaf water, thin and unsatisfying as it was.
But after the incident with Will, Valentine had suggested that I take a break, try some of the tea. It felt an awful lot like being sent to my room, but I didn't argue, embarrassed as I was. So I'd found the set of punch cards, picked the tea I'd disliked the least, and a moment later a stream of hot black tea filled the tiny porcelain cup.
It was all I could do not to crush it to dust in my fist. My anger at Will had burned itself out, leaving only frustration. Simon had seen me lose it, and Valentine had seen me lose it. Damn it all, getting hauled off to another world was supposed to be a chance for me to start over. And here I was falling back into the same old destructive patterns.
I looked up with a start as the latch clicked open, and Valentine appeared in the doorway. Still at the threshold, she took a deep breath before stepping inside and closing the door.
"Good," she said pleasantly, "It doesn't smell as if you're about to tear someone limb from limb, anymore."
"Yeah..." I said slowly, "Sorry about that."
Valentine frowned in confusion for a moment, before rolling her eyes and sighing in exasperation. She came over to the couch I was monopolizing, sat down in my lap, and put an arm around my neck.
"You thought I'd be angry with you?"
"Yeah, I did kinda lose my shit at Will. And I-" I hesitated, "I've really liked, you know, this," I said vaguely, gesturing at her on my lap, "And then, well, I went and did what I did."
Val absently flicked her wrist, "You didn't throw me in a river- today -and besides, you said it yourself. Like it or not, by taking the hotel we've made ourselves the local rulers, and I can only imagine what the baroness would have done had someone disrespected her in the manner Will did. And Temerity? If she were feeling merciful, perhaps she'd have him flogged, though death would not be out of the question. This world is crueller and harsher than the one you left, a leader cannot accept such disrespect, lest they not remain in power for long."
She patted my cheek, "But you did make two mistakes. Will did need to receive his comeuppance, but it should have been better reasoned. Thankfully I don't believe Simon saw much of what happened before the human struck the window, so as far as he knows, it was well reasoned."
"What about Matt?" I asked, "The gynoid?"
"Neither of them is of any consequence. But there is still your second mistake. I am not a reward for good behaviour," she intoned, her voice a near growl, “You beat the hell out of someone, whether they deserve it or not, and what, I'm supposed to scorn your affections to teach you a lesson? Or perhaps you carry a dozen orphans from a burning building, am I to swoon and throw myself at your feet? No," she growled, "If I want you, I will have you. Or perhaps I'll decide that men are not to my taste, and I'll invite girls from The Blushing Maiden to warm my bed. Whatever I choose, it will be that way precisely because I am the one that gets to choose, and not because the gods are rewarding you with a pretty toy," she held up a clenched fist, "Forget that, and I'll thump you until you remember."
I cast a side-eyed glance at her delicate little hand, and when my gaze returned to her face, I found her smirking.
"I know," she agreed readily, "I'd probably break my hand, and then wouldn't you feel terrible."
I raised my hands, "Okay, okay. Please, no thumping."
Val hopped up, "I'm glad we've had this talk. Now if you're finished sulking, the gynoid and I finished the puzzle. The penalty timer should be almost over, and we're only a few minutes behind Simon. Come now, I imagine the two of us will need a translator for this next puzzle, and you'll have to do."
"Amazing."
Valentine dropped her arms to her sides and gazed up at me with a degree of exasperation in her eyes that had only previously been achieved under laboratory conditions.
I gave her a wry smile and a shrug.
Valentine looked over at the gynoid, "I could have half a dozen of The Blushing Maiden's most inventive girls at my beck and call, and instead I'm following this idiot around."
Unable to understand Val's words, the gynoid furrowed her brows in confusion, "Your presence clearly arouses the small purple woman, but your words appear to frustrate her. Perhaps you should consider remaining silent more often."
Val raised an eyebrow as my face began to flush, and she glanced between the two of us.
"Excuse me?" I demanded.
"My programming is tuned to recognize certain physical signatures," the gynoid explained, "Pupil dilation, firmness in certain areas, rate of breathing, dampness in others-"
"I get it! You can tell we're horny. I don't need the details!"
"Well, not yourself. You seem much more temperate, at least where Valentine is-"
"So the rules for this one are really simple," I began loudly, in Elvish, and the gynoid subsided demurely, "Finish the maze as fast as you can. It's dark inside, which is why we've got the oil lamps there."
Val smirked, "Anything else?"
"That's it."
"You certain?" She asked, nodding towards the gynoid, "Because it feels like there's a little more going on."
"Maybe I'll swing by The Blushing Maiden and scoop up your favourite girls," I glowered, "Then I won't need to put up with your nonsense."
The rulebook hit the lectern with a thump, and I bent to scoop up a lantern. I lit it, stuffed the box of matches into my pocket, and strode into the maze.
The threshold of the maze was more of the rough masonry work that I'd by now grown familiar with, and I was careful not to catch a toe on the edge of a flagstone as I strode deeper into the maze.
The wavering lamplight reflected dully off the stones, with none of the wet sheen I'd come to expect. The smell of damp was still in the air, but faint, and I could hear no rushing water.
The harsh edges and square corners of the corridor gave way to a winding passage of raw stone. Beyond excavating the passage, little work had been done to finish it. Here and there I could still see the tool marks left by the miners' picks. The girls caught up with me only a moment later, Val close at my right, and the gynoid behind my left shoulder.
The sinuous passage carried on for only a dozen or so strides before it shifted back into a dead straight corridor of worked stone. I lifted the lamp, and could just make out the ghost of a T-junction another dozen paces further. Turning around, I realized why they'd left part of the entrance in-the-raw, as it were. The curves were enough to hide the light of the maze's antechamber, and I suspected that if I were standing at the junction, that the way back to the entrance would look like any of the others.
"Have either of you got anything to mark our path with?" I asked, once in Elvish and again in French.
"I have a pen here somewhere," Val muttered, digging around in her pockets, "It's not meant for hard surfaces, but the ink glows in the dark. It could work."
"I have an internal compass," the gynoid provided, "Though I'm not certain how much use it will be."
"It'll keep us pointed in the right direction at least. With the entrance behind, an exterior wall and Simon's maze to either side, it stands to reason the exit is that way," I pointed out.
"Ah, here it is."
There were a couple false starts as Val worked to get the pen to write on the stone, but in short order, she'd managed a little sketch of a door on the wall of the corridor.
We paused at the junction, and I considered our options while Val knelt to scribble on the floor. The lanterns weren't dim, not by any means, but even so, it was hard to make out much of consequence. One corridor looked much like another.
I still had one of Val's magic torches on me, and they were a lot more durable than the oil lamps, so I took it out, flipped it on, and threw it down the corridor to our right.
"Hey!" Valentine protested.
"What?" I retorted, "Now we can see what's down there, come on, give me yours, and we can see what's down the other one."
"Or we could just walk over there," she insisted, pointing at the torch I'd thrown.
It had come to rest a fair ways off, inside what looked to be a chamber of some sort. The floor was made up of large stone boards, for lack of a better term, and I saw an opening in the far wall.
"Unless you plan on leaving the torches where they lay, we will need to fetch them back."
Ah, yeah, that was a good point.
"Alright, I'll-"
There was a huff of breath, of the sort you might expect from something as large as a horse, or a bull. I raised the lantern, but needn't have bothered. Down the left-hand passage, nearly at the level of the roof, could be seen two burning coals.
The creature's footfalls shook the floor, and as it emerged into the lamplight, I made out the shape of a bull's head atop the body of a giant. Its chest and abdomen were well-muscled and tanned to a bronze sheen. Its wicked horns pointed forward and gleamed like steel. Its breath steamed in the air as it drew nearer, and the red-hot eyes seemed to pulse with every heartbeat.
"Bugger me," Valentine breathed.
"Merde," the gynoid agreed, both of them already backing towards the other corridor.
I reared back and pitched the lantern at the minotaur. It caught the creature in the upper chest, just below the neck, and shattered. The oil inside spilt across its chest and burst into flame, but still, the creature came inexorably onwards.
I had broken into a run even as I'd thrown the lantern, and now fought for more momentum as I charged the minotaur.
The flames might not have fazed the creature, but in the darkened corridor, they were enough to blind it to my approach. I caught it utterly off-guard as I struck it about the waist, hard enough that my teeth clacked together and my head rang with the impact.
We went down in a clattering heap with me atop the thing, and I scrambled for purchase as it thrashed under me. My left hand found one of the horns and held fast. With it for leverage, I pulled myself up to kneel on its chest and drove my fist into its snout with all of my strength. The shock travelled up my arm, a lance of pain that seemed to start at my fingertips, burn through the marrow, and spread across my chest.
Still, it thrashed, so I hit it a second, and then a third time. The pain grew more distant with each strike, and I was about to hit it a fourth time when the gynoid called out.
"Wallace, enough!" she shouted.
I looked up at her, arm cocked to punch the thing, my other hand still gripping its horn as it thrashed about. In the light of her own lantern, she seemed concerned, but not overly worried. I returned my gaze to the creature and understood why.
Its horns and skin didn't just look like polished steel and bronze. They were steel and bronze. It was another automaton, not as complex as the gynoid maid, but certainly a cut above the guards in the first room.
I'd pounded the thing's snout inwards, and it looked as if I'd turned its face inside out.
Valentine came to stand beside the gynoid, "You big wonderful moron," she sighed.
"Hey, you thought the thing was for real at first too," I protested.
The gynoid took my hand gently, even as I argued with Val, and began inspecting it.
"Yes," Val replied primly, "And then I recalled the rules, as you told them to me. Am I mistaken, or wasn't it made clear that nothing here would harm us?"
I let go of the automaton's horn. I'd clutched it so tightly that my hand felt stiff, and I clenched and unclenched it to work the stiffness out of my muscles. Oil had stuck to me in a few spots, though it was nothing serious, and I patted the flames out with my free hand.
I shrugged lamely, and Val leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. Even kneeling, I was tall enough that she had to go up on tiptoe.
"I'll see if the beast you vanquished was guarding anything interesting," she promised, "And if anything frightens me, I'll throw my lantern at it."
I pushed myself up and off of what remained of the automaton, its movements finally slowing, careful to keep my hand steady so that the gynoid could finish cleaning the wound.
She had her nose close to the wounds across my knuckles, to better inspect them in the poor light, but peered up at me as the light of Val's lantern receded.
"Poorly thought out heroics seem to be effective," she remarked.
"What are you, my wingman now?"
She shrugged, "I only wish to be helpful, in whatever manner I may."
"You know, I think I'm good."
"Ah, perhaps she is the one that requires my assistance."
"What's that supposed to mean- Ow!"
"Just a disinfectant. Nothing's broken, but even you may be brought low by infection."
"I found something," came Val's voice, echoing down the hall, and her circle of lamplight joined with ours a moment later.
She held an old fashioned key, large and bright red. It looked more like a prop than the sort of thing that would unlock an actual door.
"It was just around the corner, waiting on a pedestal," she explained, and I muttered a translation to the gynoid as she spoke, "But from the look of things, we were meant to approach from the other side."
"Oh?"
"Yes, the pedestal faces a large blue door. It has a keyhole of the right shape for this," she explained, gesturing with the red key, "But it doesn't turn in the lock. I imagine we were supposed to find a blue key, and use that to get behind the minotaur."
"Sounds like we found a sequence break."
"Hmm," Val mused, "I suppose that's a fair term for it."
"How much you want to bet we'll find a blue key near a red door somewhere down this way?" I asked, jerking my chin towards where I'd thrown the torch.
"Let's hope we've made up some time. Now, how's your hand?" Val asked as the gynoid finished tying the bandage.
"I'll probably have some scars, but it'll be fine," I assured her, "Come on, if we have made up some time, let's not waste any more."
It was as we approached the room with the stone boards that I finally began to hear the rushing water I'd been expecting. I held out a staying hand, and the others slowed.
I jerked a thumb over my shoulder, "We were meant to be running scared through here," I said simply.
The gynoid prodded experimentally at one of the stone boards with the toe of her shoe, and it shifted as she put her weight on it. She leaned into it a little bit, and this end of the board tilted down while the other swung up, and the sound of rushing water filled the room. Not a room of stone boards then, but a room of seesaws.
They were staggered, left, right, left, right. Someone who tried to walk, or more likely, run, across would find themselves always stepping upon the inside edge of one or another.
"There's no pattern here, as there was in the other room," Val frowned.
The gynoid pressed experimentally on the only other board she could reach and watched as it moved.
Then she stood, and outlined her plan, "You see how they alternate? Each set must have its own fulcrum, a bar running the length of the chamber. If we stay near the pivot point, the boards shouldn't rotate much if we are quick enough in the crossing."
Valentine nodded along as I relayed the gynoid's explanation, "Sensible," she agreed, once I was done, "She and I shall go first, now behave yourself and stay here till we're safely across."
"Behave myself?" I growled, but she was already giggling and prancing away with the gynoid close behind.
The two couldn't even speak to one another, and it still felt like the two were conspiring against me.
I smiled despite myself. I was glad they were getting along. I was a little worried that the shapely gynoid would inspire jealousy in the waifish Valentine. But who knows, with Val's tastes being what they are, maybe I was the one that should be jealous, lest the gynoid steal her away from me.
"Catch," Val called, and with a flick of her wrist, the torch flew from where it lay in the centre of the room, to strike me lightly in the chest.
I caught it before it hit the ground and waited for the girls to make it across. It wasn't possible- at least for them -to step directly from the doorway over to where the fulcrum for the one set of boards seemed to be. But a little hop got them close enough, and the boards themselves were heavy enough that they didn't move very quickly under the weight of those two, particularly with them staying near the pivot point.
Considering that this was a game, not a proper deathtrap, odds were good that they might have made it across fine even if they'd gone straight down the middle. Presumably, the creators of the game didn't want it to end with an anti-climax, and an entire team getting dunked in the river would be kinda lame. No, I bet the first couple people would make it across okay. They didn't need to be faster than the automaton, just faster than their slowest friends.
I braced myself on the doorway, and took a wide-reaching step that put my foot just shy of the pivot, and then pushed off the wall with all my strength. I couldn't swing my leg over far enough and ended up with both feet on the near side of the pivot, and my stomach lurched as the board began to tilt inwards.
I didn't bother trying to balance on it. I just started running. It was a clumsy, halting run, as I made sure each step came down on the right set of boards. One wrong step and all my weight would land on the very tip of what was, in essence, a very large lever. The other end would probably cut a gouge into the roof with all the force I'd be putting on it, and I'd end up in the water. Maybe I could catch myself, but the very idea made my elbows hurt. I'm stronger than I look, and I look really fucking strong, but I was still made of meat. I might be able to lift a small car, but that didn't mean my elbows were meant to endure the strain of catching half a ton in free fall.
I veered back towards the centre of the room as I neared the far side. I wouldn't be able to set up my jump as carefully as I'd done the first time, but I had a hunch.
I leapt. Not as far as I could, but as high as I could. And when I landed, it was with both feet planted and legs locked. I didn't crouch to absorb the shock, that would only spread the impact over a longer period, and I needed all of the force to come down in a single instant.
The fulcrum did what I expected it to do, and what roughly made bearings tend to do when they are shocked. It locked in place. Only for an instant, but it was enough. I bent my knees for a second leap, and threw myself through the doorway and right into Val and the gynoid. Val yelped as I bowled right through them, but to my relief, I didn't land atop either.
Val was back on her feet in an instant, "You made it," she cheered.
I brushed the dust from my jeans and straightened, "Yeah yeah, no time for teasing. Come on. We need to hustle."
I broke into a fast walk, and the others jogged to keep up.
"Of course, you can give me my comeuppance later," she agreed, bobbing along at my elbow.
The next junction was, less than simple.
"My my," the gynoid breathed.
"Backtracking through this is going to suck."
We'd emerged into another room, and now stood on a platform six or so feet above the rushing water. There were two raised paths stretching out across the open space, each leading to a separate opening in the far wall. The left way was made up of a large drum that stretched the length of the room. There were no obstacles, but we'd need to walk across the top of it to get across, and I guessed that it would start to rotate as soon as we set foot on it. This was another problem that the girls would find a lot easier than myself, Val in particular. She weighed less than a tenth what I did, and was quite a bit quicker. She'd make fewer mistakes, and they'd cost her less. While one wrong step from me would set the thing rotating rapidly to one side and I'd be thrown off into the water.
The path to the right looked more promising, however, as it was a test of timing, rather than dexterity. On the right was a series of swinging blades, a classic honestly, though the blades were foam, painted in an exaggerated style, rather than sharpened steel.
Finally, at the beginning of each path, was a small pillar with a slot atop it. A slot, very much like the one in the tea vending machine back in the break room.
The gynoid produced three cards from a pocket in her blouse. Two held stylized depictions of piled coins, while the other had a book on its face.
After a moment's thought, I grimaced and shook my head, "We should save it if we can."
"Left, or Right?" Val asked, slowly and carefully.
I frowned, but the gynoid answered, "Right," in elvish.
Clumsy as her pronunciation was, I could understand her at the very least. Which is to say, Val could understand her.
"Oh, don't look so surprised," Val mocked, "The two of us aren't helpless."
"Would you please tell her that the right-hand path is the most likely to bear fruit?" the gynoid requested, "Of both paths, the left is most likely to lead back to the blue door, and we have no need of that now. Besides, I foresee you having difficulty making it across. The right hand then is the easiest for you, and the least likely to send us back where we already were."
"Maybe you should give her the necklace," Val suggested, once I'd finished relaying the gynoid's reasoning, "She seems capable, and I'm not certain what we need you for at this point."
"Maybe I take the key and the gynoid and chuck you in the river," I retorted, "Not certain what we need you for at this point."
"Please, enough flirting, time is of the essence," the gynoid called back.
She'd already made it through the first two swinging blades, and she beckoned us forwards without taking her eyes off the one in front of her.
"Is she chastizing us?"
"Yup."
"Mmm, maybe she'll give me my comeuppance," Val mused.
The timing was simple, and we made our way through with little difficulty. The pattern for the blades was simple and unchanging, and as long as you paid attention, there was plenty of warning before one came down.
The relative simplicity made me wonder if perhaps the automaton had been meant to still be chasing us, or maybe I was merely familiar with this sort of obstacle. Every dungeon in Skyrim seemed to have something like this, after all. The players this maze had been intended for may have looked upon the series of swinging blades with a little more trepidation.
The gynoid was several steps ahead and didn't wait for the two of us to finish making our way through before she slipped through into the passage beyond.
I felt a flash of annoyance. She was doing it wrong, she should be waiting for me, and what if there were traps she didn't spot it in time?
I growled and forced the thought away. The gynoid didn't need my permission to scout ahead. At this point in my life, I'd grown used to being let down in group assignments. And while I'd been out of university for a couple of years now, the memory remained. Which meant I usually did my best to take the reins in matters such as these, and being eight feet tall, people tended to let me. But the gynoid, as well as Valentine, knew what they were doing. I let out a long breath and took a step forwards just as the next blade hit the bottom of its travel and arced out of the way.
The gynoid reappeared only a moment later, holding a green key. Despite her composure, I got the sense that it was all she could do to keep from jumping up and down as she bade us forwards.
"I've found the red door, and this was sitting in front of it," she explained, "Quick, quick, the red key!"
The gynoid's energy was contagious, and Val skipped through close behind as I finished navigating the swinging blades.
There was a sharp right turn, a short length of corridor, another left, and then we stood before the red door. Val drove the key home, and it turned with a laborious ratcheting sound. The key withdrew, and there was a slow clank, clank, clank, as the door began retracting with fits and starts into the floor.
Then the gynoid did start jumping up and down, and I found myself chuckling as she all but bounced off the walls.
"Now what do you find so amusing?" she demanded.
"You're just not what I expected," I replied.
The gynoid pulled up her skirt and swung her legs over the half-open door, "Am I unlike the gynoids on your world?" she asked.
I stepped over after her and reached back to give Val a hand.
"There are no gynoids on my world," I admitted, "Maybe that's why you're not what I expect. Plenty of fictional sentient machines, but no real ones. Like Commander Data from Star Trek. Man, I wanted to be Data when I was a kid."
The gynoid glanced back as she reached the next intersection, saw that we were both close behind, and took the right-hand path. I kept after her, and Val paused only to mark our way before rushing after us.
"This Data, he is a military man, and an officer no less? I'm afraid that such things are not permitted where I come from. And I doubt that any young man wishes he were a combat android."
"Data was the second officer on the Enterprise, the flagship of The United-" I stopped myself, "Well, I thought he was cool at the very least. And as a kid who found the emotions of those around him utterly incomprehensible, he was pretty relatable. He also seemed to know everything, which was pretty cool. Now I don't have any idea if you know everything, but you're a lot warmer than Data. Jumping up and down, bouncing off the walls, eager to win the contest, and most likely plotting my demise with Val."
"I've decided that I like puzzles," she replied, "And I've never won anything before."
At each corner, we'd take the right path, and while we hit dead ends twice, and once found ourselves looping back upon our path, Val's marks made matters clear. Short of running pell-mell down the halls, getting lucky at each turn in the maze, we were making fine time.
"I hear water once again, another puzzle, or perhaps the end?" the gynoid guessed.
"Looks like both," I observed, as we rounded the last corner and stepped out into the final chamber.
The floor of the chamber was a sheet of ice, or very nearly ice. The look was right, it was even as slippery as ice when I knelt to touch it, but the temperature was all wrong. It certainly wasn't warm inside the maze, but it wasn't anywhere near cold enough to keep anything frozen.
Dozens of blocks of ice seemed to grow up out of the sheet, blocking off the direct path to the far side, and forming a sort of mini-maze of its own. This chamber had another pillar waiting to accept the hint card, and I squinted at the maze, trying to figure out what it might do.
To either side of the puzzle were open drops, back down into the river. If I wasn't carefully navigating it, I could slip right off the side and into the water, with nothing to catch myself on.
And on the far side of the icy maze waited a pair of massive stone doors, set with three-
"Damn," I breathed, "We need that blue key-"
Like it or not, we'd seen most everything on this side of the red door. Which meant we'd need to backtrack all the way to the room with the swinging blades and spinning drum and take the other path. That would have been the 'ideal' path, had I not clobbered the minotaur, as it would have led the players through the back way to get at the red key. In fact, the green door was probably over on that side as well, since we hadn't yet run into it.
That drum was going to be a problem, and I didn't know how the hell I was going to make it across. I tried to recall how close together the two exit doors were for that room. Maybe I'd be able to jump across? If not-
"Solve this nonsense," the gynoid urged, interrupting my train of thought, "I will fetch the blue key."
And then she left at a dead run, taking both the green key and the hint card with her as she did.
I felt that flash of annoyance once again, but realized she'd made the right call. Odds were good that she had a more time-consuming task. Whatever the hint card did, it was essentially a time saver. As we were running at the speed of the slowest group it was only sensible she be the one to use it, whether that be on the room we'd seen or another puzzle that might be between her and the blue key.
I turned back to my task and trusted she would see to hers.
"I wonder if a fabric could be made of this material," Valentine pondered.
She was kneeling to inspect the material as I had, though her expression suggested a different set of potential applications than had occurred to me.
"One track mind," I muttered, busy inspecting the puzzle before me.
"Not one track," she protested, "Two, the second one is food. And, well, it's not as if I can eat this, now can I?"
"There is more to life," I remarked.
"Mmm, doubtful."
I swept my gaze across the field of icy blocks, a plan beginning to form in my mind, "At least you know what you want," I replied.
"Yes, now what about this distraction? Have you a way through?"
"Still working on it, but I think I've got a general idea," I assured her, "Hold on, I'm going to try something."
I stepped out onto the not-ice and pushed off the solid stone behind. I began to slide, relatively quickly, towards the row of blocks a few yards off. Try as I might, I couldn't get any lateral motion. Even when I hit the wall and came to a stop, trying to pull myself along the floor was fruitless. Nearly frictionless, I doubted that real ice was anywhere near this slippery. Only pushing off the icy block gave any purchase, and sent me sliding back over the Valentine.
"Alright," I decided, "I've seen this sort of puzzle before. I remember them being a pain in the ass as a kid, but it's actually somewhat simple."
Valentine furrowed her brows, a look of evident concern on her face, "You were faced with such travails as a child?"
I waved a hand, "It was a game, god damn ice gym leaders always had something like this. The point is, the maze we need to solve is not the maze before us."
She quirked an eyebrow, "Do elaborate."
"I mean, it looks easy, the whole thing is laid out in front of us, and that's the trick. It looks like a maze, but if you try to solve it like a normal maze, by tracing the path and trying to follow it, you'll just end up sliding all over the place. No, better to think of it as a series of linked points. The first point is right there," I pointed, "The one place you can reach by sliding across through the gap in the wall. From there, the next set of points are the only ones you can reach by pushing off one of those two walls, and so on, and so on. That keeps you on the right track, and out of the drink."
"Mmm, I think I see what you mean."
"Of course, the real trick is to solve it backwards, since we can see the end from here."
I outlined the path I'd come up with, and once Valentine agreed that it seemed to make sense with the rules I'd outlined, we put it into action. I lead the way, with her one position behind. That way at least she could backtrack if I accidentally put myself in an untenable position, or ended up sliding off the edge. But my reasoning was sound, and the two of us made it across safely.
Valentine was quick to try the red key, but while it turned in the lock, as expected, nothing happened while the others were absent.
"You know, they could have done us the favour of providing somewhere to sit," Valentine said, watching contemptuously as I took a seat on the flagstones with my back to the wall.
I yawned and stretched my arms, "It's a good thing this isn't too comfy, or else I think I'd fall asleep."
She placed a hand on my shoulder to steady herself, and sat across my lap, "Maybe you should have taken more of the tea."
"Not much of a tea drinker," I replied, "Never liked coffee either. Hot chocolate is pretty great, though."
Valentine's eyes grew wide and desirous, "Might such a beverage be created with the ingredients at the hotel?"
"I think I can figure something out," I promised.
Val put her arms around my neck and drew herself in close to kiss the corner of my neck, just below my ear.
"You must realize," she murmured, "It takes some of the fun out of trying to tempt you when you're just so agreeable. A wiser man would make the task seem much more arduous."
I set my jaw and tilted my head to look her in the eye, "I believe you already promised me a rather spectacular kiss."
Val bit her lip and grinned. She shifted in my lap to straddle my hips, instead of sitting across my legs. Tilting her head forwards, her hair fell to cover her face. She reached up to the neck of her flight suit and drew the zipper down to her navel, revealing a silken shift beneath. She filled the air with the aroma of her pheromones, and I felt myself relax as they did their work.
She slipped her hands underneath my shirt and ran them across my abdomen, "Awfully tense, aren't we?"
Even as I watched, beads of moisture began to form on her bare skin, and the already heady scent of her grew almost overpowering.
She ran her fingers through my hair, and with the other, cupped my cheek lightly. Stirring her hips slightly, she drew me in. Lips slightly parted, she pressed hers against mine, and damn, was she ever a tease. She'd draw back, just a little, as I tried to press closer. And each time she would pull away slightly less, slowly giving in, but making me work for it.
I'd slipped a hand in the front of her jumpsuit and under her shift. She never seemed so very small as she did now, with just one of my hands very nearly able to circle her waist. Even with all her enchantments and attitude, I was terrified of hurting her. With Will, I'd lost control for only a moment, and that had still been nearly enough to cripple the armoured man. But with Valentine, even an instant of anger-
She seemed not to care. With the length of her tiny body pressed against my chest, she didn't stop. I was drawn this way and that, as she'd pull back just a little, only to draw me in once again.
It was only once we heard the gynoid's rapid footsteps that we drew reluctantly apart. I helped Val to her feet, and she gave me a wicked grin as she zipped up the front of her flight suit.
Not a moment too soon, as the gynoid appeared at the edge of the icy maze, lantern still swaying too and fro from the jostling it had gotten on the way.
"I have them," she shouted and flung the keys in a high arc.
Green and blue thumped against the door, and they'd not even stopped clattering around on the ground before Valentine had scooped them up and driven them into place. The doors began to move apart, sliding into the walls at either side and as they did, I busied myself guiding the gynoid through the field of ice.
By the time she'd made it across, Val had already slipped through the growing gap and disappeared.
Valentine was not the first into the treasure hall, but judging from the state of things, we'd not been far behind.
The treasure hall ran the width of the building, with a high vaulted ceiling that was held up by pillars so thick I could not circle them with my arms. There were windows at either end of the hall, high in the wall, above the doors that led outside. It was dark beyond those windows, though there was just enough light from the streetlamps outside to show the swirling blizzard that was kept at bay by half an inch of glass.
Behind me stood the exit door to the maze, one of three set into the wall at my back. Ours was still clanking open, and while the centre pair of doors stood empty, those at the far end of the hall remained silent and shut.
Two shallow pools, fed by water flowing out from underneath the wall, stood between the three exit doors, and I was glad to see that Will was not laying face down in either of them. I still felt anger festering in my gut, but I didn't want to kill the man. I was somewhat concerned to see the trail of droplets and wet footprints that suggested someone had dragged themselves from the pool and gone out into the cold, but hopefully he was smart enough to get somewhere warm in a hurry.
Across from the maze exits were another trio of doors. The largest of which was directly across from us, with a gold number one scribed above, nearly a foot tall. And, unfortunately, they were already open, or nearly so.
It looked like something you'd expect to see on a hangar, with an opening nearly fifty feet wide. The doors hadn't quite finished clanking open, but Simon and his 'angels', as the gynoid had called them, were already picking through the treasures beyond. Jankin stood by the door, standing guard for all the good it did and muttered something at our approach.
Simon glanced up and spread his arms wide, "Hey, you guys made it."
"Anything interesting?" I asked grudgingly.
"Eh, kinda. I bet the intended players would be stoked to win all this," he shrugged.
Simon swept his hand to encompass the furniture, clothes, appliances, and general bric-a-brac piled behind him, "But I'm pretty sure the main ingredients in all this crap are asbestos, lead, and arsenic."
I pointed at the comb that the small and slim one was holding, "At least that comb won't poison anyone. Might explode though."
"What?" Simon demanded.
"Yeah, it looks like ivory, but I'm pretty sure that's celluloid. A whole lot of this junk is celluloid, actually," I realized.
"Celluloid as in film?"
"Celluloid as in the thing made with the same process that creates nitrocellulose. As in guncotton."
Simon switched to Elvish, "Cilla darling, please put that down," he urged, "Everyone, just, maybe don't touch anything."
"Was there any coin?" Valentine sighed.
"Actually, yes. There were several dozen coin purses full of shillings. They're the only thing I'm sure won't eventually be the death of me."
"Do you have any idea what sort of mana there is in arsenic?" Val inquired.
Simon nodded, "I do."
I rolled my eyes, "Feel like sharing?"
"No, not really."
"After I was so kind as to warn you about the celluloid? A great many Victorian and Edwardian women died or were disfigured when celluloid combs and hair clips ignited and set their hair and scalp aflame."
Simon was about to speak, but paused as tall and busty- I think that made her Victoria? -approached and whispered in his ear. Simon frowned, shrugged, and then nodded.
"Tell you what, I won't share what I know about arsenic, but I'll offer a trade. I'll hand over everything in here that's got enough lead in it to be useful, and in exchange, you give me everything in your prize vault that's got at least some arsenic."
I glanced at Val, "Fire, Mind, and Weaken," she provided.
"Deal."
Continued in comment

FOREWORD

Even though a lot of people have read Part 6, after Vento Aureo's successful anime adaptation, and mostly enjoyed it, there is still this weird "concensus" on the quality of Stands and fights in Stone Ocean. They are mostly seen as too convoluted and bizarre, "even for JoJo".
I disagree... a lot. I believe that this is largely due to people skimming, just going with what others say, or refusing to understand things in Part 6 (even though everything is properly explained). It just requires a little bit of thinking. Part 6 is the turning point for Araki's art-style and fights, so it might come off as intimidating, at first.
I have to be honest though, I felt the same way on my first read. However, on the very second one, I started seeing how enjoyable and cool these abilities and fights are. So, I'll go Stand by Stand, giving reasons why they might not be as bad as people think they are. Maybe this will offer a new perspective on the topic and make people appreciate it more. Who knows?

FIRST HALF

Like every beginning in JoJo, it's not THAT entertaining or exciting. It usually takes a bit of time to get us truly invested. Part 6 is no exception to this trend. Although, I'd argue that it's introductory Chapters are perfect in setting up the story and introducing a new JoJo.
Goo Goo Dolls
Right off the bat, it's a better Little Feet (I am shocked to see how many people say it’s the other way around). It's shrinking is instant. There's not even a need for the user, Guess, to be able to shrink herself. Additionally, GGD is long-range and automatic, and will eliminate those that try to escape.
I feel that it reflects Guess pretty well, since "Stands are the manifestations of one's soul". She is intimidated by others, so she has this complex of wanting to be dominant. Her Stand shrinks people, making them into her personal toys/pets that she pushes around. It's also a great parallel to Alessi, from Part 3. He likes bullying the weak (children), and his Stand ability reflects that. Some other enemies are also obvious parallels to Part 3's enemies.
There's not much to be said about the fight, with it being the very first one in the Part. It's similiar to Little Feet's, but has it's differences, which is good.
Manhattan Transfer
Ok... what is with everyone picking on Manhattan Transfer? It seems that people measure how good a Stand is, by how useful it's abilities would be in real life. This is a horrible way of judging them, in my opinion.
As I've mentioned: "Stands are the manifestations of one's soul". Johngalli A is a blind sniper (a parallel to N'Doul. Both are blind, with long-range Stands and kill flies). Manhattan Transfer reads air currents, which helps Johngalli pinpoint his targets. It also serves as a ricochet surface for Johngalli's "trick-shots". It might not seem cool, but it fits it's user and performs it's task excellently. The Stand itself is pretty nimble due to it's, almost precognitive, senses.
What might be giving this Stand a bad rep, is the perplexing, "Inception-esque" arc it's in. The fight consists of three segments: 1) Jolyne’s hallucination; 2) Jotaro’s (brief) hallucination; 3) the real fight. Once you read through it, this structure becomes evident, which doesn’t make it seem as confusing.
The actual fight is rather short, since the majority takes place in Jotaro's and Jolyne's dreams. So, I can agree that the fight’s structure can be intimidating, especially as an early fight. Despite this, MT doesn't deserve the hate it gets. And yes, the Stand DOES exist and isn't part of the hallucination. This is made very clear towards the end of the fight.
Highway to Hell
It's more underwhelming than the other fights, but still has good Hermés moments, and generally serves to show Kiss's ability. Pucci's description of Thunder McQueen is on point, so I don't have to explain why the Stand fits him so well. The fact that the Stand inflicts equal damage onto the target, with A in range, makes it even scarier.
I personally don't outright hate this fight, but I can't blame you if you do. I never believed that SO is perfect (neither is any other Part). They all have their ups and downs.
I think a parallel can be drawn to Part 3, with this Stand, as well. What I’m referring to, is “Lovers”. Both Stands reflect damage onto the targeted individual. It’s just that HtH is indestructible.
Foo Fighters
A great mystery in the beginning. It's thrilling to read, the first time around. But, on consecutive reads is just a bore, since we know what happens. The second half, being an actual fight, is far more entertaining.
The fact that FF is sentient, is one of Araki's greatest ideas ever. Seeing a Stand have, and fight to preserve, it's intelligence, is very refreshing and thought-provoking. And FF is a fan-favourite, so she's rather popular.
As for the ability, she's the healer. A bit of a weird one at that, but she also has decent offensive capabilities.
Debt Collector Marilyn Manson
This is what I deem the first GREAT fight of Part 6. It's a "D'Arby fight", but much more exciting. The characters are actually doing something, running around while having to pass a ball, instead of sitting and playing betting/video games. Mirashon's design and demeanor are cool. She even does the elder D'Arby pose and says: "GOOD", when a deal is made.
The Stand is invincible, like many in Part 6, forcing the characters to chase down the user. The additional disadvantage to the protagonists, the rule to keep on passing the ball to each other, is a good example of these new types of fights. They will utilize the surroundings more (kind of like how Mirashon pays the guard to drop the baseball, so that Jolyne loses).
What is also AMAZING, is how this Stand builds onto what Chariot Requiem established. A shadow is the reflection of a person's soul. The Debt Collector comes out of the shadow, of the one that felt guilt for cheating.
Jumpin' Jack Flash
A pretty long and intense fight. At first, I didn't think much of it, probably due to the user, Lang Wrangler, being uninteresting. However, putting that aside, it's pretty good. What I'd argue makes this fight more intense than many others, is because it has the protagonists at a disadvantage, from the very start. The zero-Gravity environment, caused by J'JF, becomes more dangerous as time goes on, forcing Jolyne and Weather to end the fight as soon as possible.
The use of WR, to form atmospheric suits, has to be one of the greatest ideas Araki has come up with, in this series. Everything about the Stand itself, for that matter. How it causes friction and is able to deflect projectiles with changes in air pressure, was exciting to behold. We also have Jolyne using her string, in the same way as Bruno used Sticky Fingers. She was seen to be able to extend her reach, by unraveling Stone Free's arm, showing just how vast it's capabilities are.
We even see Lang have his moments. Chucking rats, to blind Jolyne, and using that makeshift "Oxygen bomb" were some of the most surprisingly unexpected things in this fight.
It's a cool ability but, with hindsight, we know that C-Moon is a much better Gravity-based Stand. Nevertheless, J'JF is still pretty dangerous. The fight is lengthy, so there's quite a bit of action, which also serves to reveal Weather Report's abilities. The ending, is one of the most satisfying beatdowns in JoJo. How the force of the air, entering the vacuum, kept pushing Lang towards Jolyne, allowing her to give him a long beating, was satisfying and well earned.
[An interesting fact about J'JF: It started out as a humanoid-type, but became a suit-Stand, halfway through the fight]
Limp Bizkit
Another banger of a fight. Everything, from the ability and it's brutality, to the pacing, was masterfully executed. That said, I don't see people complain about this one.
It also served it's purpose of giving Hermés a backstory and some focus. Sadly, as cool and intrigueing as the main cast is, they don't get enough time for any form of character development (apart from Jolyne and Weather).

HALFWAY POINT

And now we get to the Ultra Security Punishment Ward arc, revered as: "JoJo, at it's worst". Hopefully I provide some arguments as to why you shouldn't automatically treat it like complete garbage.
Survivor
Yes, I'm praising this Stand. As DIO said, it's rather usless/weak. Pucci, however, saw the potential in it and, sure enough, used the ability to it's fullest.
Survivor is great because of it's influence in the first half of this arc. It's sort of a... "passive" ability, affecting everyone the same way. It makes both sides go berserk, which leads to manic behaviour and gory beatdowns. It’s an unconventional Stand, so it makes encounters feel fresh.
It was mostly focused on during the fight against Viviano Westeood, but was shown to be active during the clash with Kenzo, as well. Also, don't forget that Survivor is the reason why the breakout started.
Planet Waves
It's a great ability. I just want to get something out of the way first.
When I see people criticize this fight, it's usually accompanied by the complaint that "Pucci's lackeys are all brainwashed and thus boring". May I remind you, that all of Part 3's enemies, were exclusively DIO fanatics. Nobody seems to complain about that, as much as they do here. Part 6 at least has Lang Wrangler, Kenzo, Foo Fighters, Mirashon, Ungalo, Rykiel and Versace who have goals of their own (some that benefit Pucci, some that don't). So, I think that people should just stop treating Part 6 as the only flawed Part. Hell, Part 5 has the most underwhelming final battle. The Chariot Requiem fight was more intense than the one against Diavolo (yet, they both aren't even deserving of being called fights).
With my complaint out of the way, we can go onto the ability. It doesn't get the love it deserves (the fight, too). It's the perfect ability for close-quarters combat. The fact that it attracts meteors, makes it even more devastating (I know Stand stats are busted, but I implore you to look at Planet Waves' stats. They're pretty good and, I feel, are mostly accurate).
Even though Viviano isn't immediately aware of having a Stand, the fight is still probably one of the most brutal ones, due to the influence of Survivor. It also is an actual fight, as opposed to what a "JoJo fight" entails. There's actual choreography, as we see Jolyne and Viviano duking it out in a bloody brawl, instead of each side making a move, besting each other until the protagonist wins. I'm not saying that 'that' aspect is completely absent, though.
And then you have the meteors hurdling towards Viviano. The Stand doesn't have to have a direct offensive ability, in order to be deadly. With the right circumstances, like in this situation, even a Stand like Planet Waves can be useful and deadly. They even disintegrate before coming in contact with the user, giving him greater freedom of movement. There's also that random, yet badass, Jolyne pose at the end, where she shouts: "Game set!"
I suggest going over the fight, with this in mind. It might become more enjoyable. If not, then the anime will certainly make it so.
Dragon's Dream
Alright, this is a big one. The Stand, everyone agrees, is the worst thing ever. "Why?" - I ask. It's simply Feng Shui, incorporated into a fight. I feel that, knowing what Feng Shui is, falls under general knowledge. The idea is even explained, in detail, so I don't see why people are so confused by this. Simply put: In nature, there are lucky and unlucky spots. D'sD points to the lucky spots. Easy peasy! The thing with the severing of limbs, is just a random side-ability.
Another sentient Stand, with a unique feature of being neutral which, in part, allowed FF to win. Annassui calls it ”almost invincible", but in reality, it actually IS invincible. It seems that one of the biggest issues, the Part 6 fights have, is the fact that Araki included a lot of overpowered Stands, which required bullshit methods to defeating them (well... Dragon's Dream), or the Stand is just unbeatable (eg. Marilyn Manson, Highway to Hell, Green Green Grass of Home, Bohemian Rhapsody and Yo-Yo-Ma).
FF, using a water reflection, is one such example. The thing is: how would Kenzo not notice this immediately, but is then able to see the water once he's realized that D'sD is in another location? This is my only gripe with this fight, along with the fact that Annasui did NOTHING to help FF. Otherwise, it has great pacing, hateable enemy and a satisfying end. Also, I really like the design and color of Dragon's Dream.
What's also a joy to behold, are the hilarious arguments, Kenzo and D'sD have, during the fight. It really emphasises the Stands' autonomus nature and sense of "balance". Somehow, Part 6 manages to be both the goryest and most humor-filled JoJo Part.
Yo-Yo-Ma
I can't stress enough how much of a necessity it is, that you watch Meti's video on Yo-Yo-Ma. He explains it masterfully, giving evidence as to why it is such a deadly ability. Personally, I skip it on re-reads since I do feel that, despite the scary ability, the pacing is rather slow. It leaves much to be desired.
Green Green Grass of Home
I'm really confused when I see people discussing what the most invincible Stands are and nobody's mentioning GGGoH.
It's user is untouchable, since anything that comes closer will be shrinked by half... infinitely! It's also seen to be selective, in the sense that a shoe or a rock will be affected (and not just humans). So, if you shot a bullet at the user, the bullet will never actually reach them... ever. That's an insane power to have. The Stand itself has an amazing design and I really hope DavidProductions keeps it’s color the same for the anime.
Out of all the shrink-Stand fights, this one takes the cake. There's even that one moment, where Jolyne and Annasui have shrunk so much, that the ground looks like a canyon. Another reason I like it the most, is because of how tiny the Stand actually is. It doesn't need to be big, since whoever approaches the Green Baby, will eventually shrink to being smaller than the Stand itself. The ability keeps the user safe, while the Stand is there to eliminate the assailant/s.
If you haven't noticed, the Green Baby is yet another parallel to Part 3. That being the baby Stand-user.
Pucci vs. FF/Jolyne
The high-point of this arc, and a great finale to it. We first have the long, fast-paced chase between FF and Whitesnake.
What follows is one of the best fights in JoJo, that literally no one talks about. It's the face-off between Jolyne and Pucci. The fact that they're chained together makes the fight even more tense, than the usual close-up fight. Like with Viviano, it's a straight up fight, incorporating the users' stamina, power and wits. The panels are also stunning and dynamic.
This fight also reinforced something about Pucci. He's encountered, and fought, the protagonists on MANY occasions during Part 6. As opposed to the rest of the villains, who have one or two skirmishes (Kira and Diavolo), or don't fight until the very end (DIO, Kars and Valentine). The fight also serves to "wake Jolyne up" and has her determined to put a stop to Pucci, even after she got what she was after (Jotaro's memory disc).

SECOND HALF

Contrary to the first halves, the second halves are always more intense and entertaining, containing the best fights in the Part. And, ho boy, does Part 6 deliver in that department.
Jailhouse Rock
One of the most unique abilities, for sure. The fact that there's a Stand user, serving as the guard of the prison's exit is a cool concept. MiuMiu's, and her Stand's, design is sooo unique and trippy. Araki stated that the emphasised "brain", is supposed to be symbolic of the ability.
What's shocking, is just how scary Jailhouse Rock is. It only works inside buildings (it seems), but that doesn't matter. It can put a person in the state of remembering only 3 things, as long as MiuMiu likes, and can affect multiple individuals at once. Now, if that isn't scary, then I don't know what is.
The fight mostly consists of Jolyne running around, and being goofy, yet it still manages to be entertaining. But, towards the end of the fight, things get crazy. Especially with how Jolyne used MiuMiu's ability, in order to escape. Kind of ironic, don't you think?
Bohemian Rhapsody
As grand, and legendary, as the musical reference and ability are, the fight is mostly a drag. First time around, it was a blast. The overwhelming power, and effect of BR, is truly terrifying. Seeing how it affects the whole world (much like Made in Heaven) makes the encounter seem apocalyptic. To be honest, BR could end the world.
The downside, in this fight, is the fact that nothing can be done about it. Weather and Annasui are running around until Weather finally comes up with a way to end the threat. This fight "structure", is the reason I don't enjoy Part 8 all that much. Despite this, it still had great twists and that hilarious ending. Ungalo giving up, just because he failed on his first try, has to be the most unique thing in JoJo. It’s interesting, because he has an invincible Stand, but lacks self-confidence and loses the will to live. It’s kind of ironic.
Sky High
This is the best sons of DIO fight (and the son himself, but that is covered in my other essay). I'd go as far as to say, that it's also one of the best fights in JoJo.
Even though Sky High possesses no defense, it's offensive capabilities are staggering. To simplify the ability: it's about heat; or rather: the removal of heat from one's body. Why I like this so much, is because of how Araki researched what happens when heat is absent from certain parts of the body, and incorporated it into the fight in various creative ways. Additionally, the Rods are a genius "invention", taking a myth and making in-depth lore on it.
First of all, Rykiel makes the helicopter crash. An explosive intro to the fight. That alone makes it stand out. Another reason I like it so much, is that the fight is chock-full of badass moments from Jolyne, but also Rykiel. The stand-out one being when they set themselves on fire. What's also enjoyable, is seeing how experienced Jolyne and Hermés are, figuring out aspects of Rykiel's Stand, from his behaviour. And also, how Rykiel's confidence rises and falls as the fight progresses.
For some reason, Araki never drew the Stand on Rykiel’s wrist. Hopefully DavidProductions corrects this.
Underworld
Moody Blues, but deadly. I feel like something more could've been done with it, apart from the two plane crashes. I'm not saying that it wasn't great, but that it simply felt repetitive.
It's definitely an interesting case, having the plane "crash" underground and whatnot. It's a bizarre one. We even get that hilarious scene, where Jolyne explains the situation to Emporio, over the phone, leaving him profoundly confused.
Overall, it's not to be taken lightly. It's other uses were creative, as well, being able to find out what was said or done (similiarly to Moody Blues).
Heavy Weather
What I immediately like about this fight is that it has stages. Being a 13-Chapter encounter, it's separated into different segments: 1) the ability is initiated; 2) history of Enrico and Domenico; 3) chasing down Versace; 4) WeatheAnnasui vs. Pucci; 5) the death of Weather. It gives it a good sense of progression, rather than having it all be intertwined, or whatever.
Like with a number of other Stands in this Part, there is a terror aspect to HW's ability. It's affecting you, and there's no way of stopping it. It uses your brain, technically yourself, against you. Who knew that one of the most dangerous abilities, in a series like JoJo, was going to be subliminal messages? It's gradual effect reminds me of Chariot Requiem, a bit. It starts to transform people into something else, as well. It's reminiscent of Survivor, in how it's omnipresent ability is affecting people's minds.
The fight is also extremely tragic, seeing Weather suffer because of his brother and his delusions. It also serves as a rematch of the encounter, the two brothers had, long ago.

THE FINALE

Stone Ocean's finale has to be the grandest, both visually and emotionally. Both fights are arduous and have a LOT of movement in them. The pacing and abilities are also superb, along with the cliffhangers at the end of each Chapter, making this one of the greatest experiences I've had with fiction.
C-Moon
What I want to immediately clear up, is that Whitesnake, C-Moon and Made in Heaven are all the SAME Stand. It's just an evolution. So, people that say that Pucci has three Stands, are wrong.
I believe it is important to point out just how good C-Moon is, since it’s a main villain Stand, and is criminally under-appreciated. It’s a semi-sentient Stand, with a Range of 20m. It forms a 3km area (dome) of effect where Gravity is pushed away from Pucci. He is able to freely move in this area, which moves with him as the center, and is seen to be able to walk on walls and roofs. C-Moon’s touch inverts gravity of whatever it touches. A very deadly ability, which Jolyne survived only because of her string.
I mean, think about it. Even if Pucci hadn't attained Heaven, C-Moon is already an invincible ability, with which he could exact revenge on Jolyne and co. He was even seen to be able to move in stopped time, due to Gravity. I’m sure it’s a parallel of how Jotaro once did the same thing, in Part 3, which makes his shock even more impactful. If the fight lasted longer, I'm sure Pucci would've been able to move even more. As for Jolyne's Möbius Strips, Pucci could find another way of dealing with her (like the gun).
I'll use this opportunity to adress one of my biggest issues. The Part 6 Stand stats. Now, I know that the stats are bogus, most of the time, but they are what the anime-onlies will see. I don't want to sound judgemental or condescending, but most anime-onlies tend to accept whatever they see without any thought put into it. They expect to be spoon-fed.
The issue is the None stat for Power. It really bums me, since it makes me wonder what these Stands are capable of. Araki probably didn't have enough time to come up with them, leaving a lot of the Stands' capabilities unknown. As examples, I'll use Jailhouse Rock, Underworld and C-Moon. All of them, with None in Power, shouldn't be able to do any damage (either physicaly or via their ability), yet they do. JR socks Jolyne, Underworld also damages a bunch of things, and C-Moon attacks with it's fists. If Araki wanted to convey that their physical attacks are weak, then he should've just put E. None should exclusively be for Stands like: Survivor, Thoth, Superfly and Achtung Baby. Stands that can't do any damage, at all. I'm also put off by the fact that GGGoH and Heavy Weather have ? for every stat.
Back to C-Moon. It's reveal, is the best Stand reveal, ever. The way that it exits the ticket booth and eerily floats towards Jolyne, until we get to see it completely, hypes it up exponentially. The way it uses the surroundng area to it's advantage, tiles on the ticket booth, instead of only using it's fists, gives the fight a bit of an original flavor. What is also one of the coolest things, that Pucci does, is set that one room on fire. It was such an unexpected move, that it left me shocked and amazed. In a good way.
Jolyne's determination and will, to take down Pucci, is also commendable. She's evolved so much and is finaly able to truly shine. Nothing will hold her back. She'll just patch herself up, and keep going. When her group surrounds Pucci, it's very reminiscent of when Kira is cornered at the end of Part 4.
To conclude, it's a great fight, with a plethora of insane moments. I love C-Moon's musical reference and design, like with the greater majority of Stands in Part 6.
Made in Heaven
I'm sure you expected me to write a wall of text about it. But, do I even need to say anything? The fight speaks for itself. Everything in it shows you that Araki truly meant to end JoJo with it. There's this huge sense of "finality" I get from it.
What I do want to tackle, is how MiH's design might've served as a big inspiration for Part 7, Steel Ball Run. Primarily, it's a >!horse and it's rider. Moving on, we have it's crown of thorns, hinting at Jesus. The feathers, coming out of it's neck, look like the ones Johnny has on his winter outfit. Lastly, the "horse's" mane, is braided the same way as Valkyrie's (Gyro's horse).!<
Like with C-Moon, I discuss MiH more, in my other essay. So, I will only say that DavidProductions is going to make it the greatest experience we'll have in anime, for a while.

AFTERWORD

So, it doesn’t seem as bad as many deem it to be, right? I hope so. What’s certain, is that it is heavily misunderstood, as a whole.
You might notice that I struggled when writing this. I have, because a video format fits this type of analysis the best. It can be hard, going into details about fights, because writing all that down would take me even longer to do. This is one of the reasons why there is SOOO much repetition. If this were a YouTube video, I could articulate myself much better. It's also my frustration, or rather fear, of wasting so much time because the post might not be registered by the sub.
The goal of this "essay" wasn't to force ideas on you. The purpose was, for me, to give a different perspective, as best as I could, in order to (HOPEFULLY) break the endless cycle of people jumping to conclusions, in regards to Part 6-related things. The great majority never even has an argument, for why they detest something in it. Or, they are like The Shuckmeister, and find something to be a large problem (other sons of DIO existing, which "diminishes" Giorno's existence), when it really isn't. I sure can't wait to see his video where he makes Part 6 "better"!
If you still don't like the Stands, or fights, then don't. You're free not to. Maybe it's just not your thing, or you just don't like how Araki handled the ability, or pacing of the fight. I just hate seeing such a good Part get ripped to shreds this much for no apparent reason, other than a "bandwagon" or people not thinking for themselves. Because, by that logic, we should be tearing into the other Parts, in the same way, as well.
Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this post! I'm curious as to what you think and what your favorite Stand/s, in SO, are. Thank you for reading!

So a lot of you will know that I regularly post guides and tips about match betting, However since the same questions always come up in the comments, I decided to make one big, very thorough Mega Guide in order to eliminate as many doubts as possible for you guys. Like I said before, This guide is a handy way to sort out a month's rent for 5 or 6 hours work, so I really hope it can be of use to someone. Anyway, Here it is:
PART 1: MATCH BETTING EXPLAINED; HOW TO MAKE £500 IN 5/6 HOURS
Having done my research and having been able to turn a really nice profit in such a short time, I wanted to make a short guide to eliminate people's doubts and simplify things a little. Since it really doesn't take a lot of time to hit that £500 profit mark, it's a shame not to try it out. Anyway, Here it goes:
I was sceptical as hell about Match betting because a friend showed me the Facebook groups and it just looked like a giant gambling pyramid scheme. It turns out there is a decent chunk of change to be made from it, you just need to follow the guides and never ever actually gamble with your money.
Never ever Gamble? Yes That's right, you are going to be using Gambling sites to complete the various offers, but the whole idea behind match betting is that every time you "make a bet", you match that same bet on the exchange. So for example, if I bet £10 for Real Madrid to Win on the Bookie Site at odds of 2.5, I then also make a Matched bet on the Exchange (This is a separate site such as Smarkets or Betfair) where I bet for Real Madrid not to win at odds of 2.5 (or as close as I can get to those odds). In this way I am covered in all outcomes, and it allows me to fulfill the requirements of the bookies offer (For example Bet £10 and get £30 in Free bets)
What's the difference between the Bookie Site and the Exchange? On the Exchange Site you are basically being the Bookie and just like a Bookie, you have liability. If I bet £10 and my bet wins at odds of 2.5 then I win £25, so the bookies liability for this bet is £15, the extra money that they would have to give me if I win. There are calculators on the Match betting sites which you can use to calculate what Liability you need to enter on the exchange each time you make your matched bet. There is also software to help you find what games have the closest odds on both the bookies and the exchange, which is very important.
What do I do when I get my free bets? It's the same process again, You find a game that has very close odds on both the bookies and the exchange ( You can do this by eye or by using odds matching software. A good site with this software is called OddsMonkey). Only this time when you use the calculator to work out your liability, you will set it to "Free bets SNR" so it knows you are not using real money. It will tell you how much Liability to use in the exchange and off you go.
How does this make me money? The fact that you have a free bet to use is what makes you money, For example a £30 free bet at odds of 5.5 in the bookies will win you £135 (30x 4.5, because the original free bet stake of £30 is not returned to you). Now let's say that the closest odds I can find in the Exchange for the same game are 6.0, I will need a liability of £112.50 to match my free bet in the bookies ( I use the calculator on oddsmonkey to work this out)
£135- 112.50 = £22.50 in Profit.
Alternatively if my bet on the exchange wins, I will lose the free bet of £30 (but it's not actually a loss to me because It's not real money) and I will win £22.50 on the exchange. Either way, I make a Profit of £22.50
What about providing card details? You can use a separate, virtual bank account for all your match betting, In this way your main banking information is not shared with any of the sites you sign up to. A good one to use is Monzo, the app is easy to use and it only takes 5 minutes to open an account. It's free to open an account and last I checked they actually have a referral scheme where you get £5 if you sign up through a referral link.
Non Referral here: https://monzo.com/
Where can I learn to do it? There are some sites that you have to pay a monthly subscription to but I found one called Team Profit that is free and has a full guide of all the different offers you can complete.
I worked my way down through the list of offers, nice and handy, and having completed 20 offers at 15 minutes per offer, I came out at £470 for 5 hours total of work.
If you are new to this site and are opening a free account I would really appreciate if you use my Referral (£10)
Here is the non referral link to the page with all the offers: https://www.teamprofit.com/welcome-offers-list
TLDR: You do not need to "gamble" to match bet, in fact by definition, the bet you make is "matched" on the exchange, so it is not a gamble in any sense.
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PART 2: MAKING £500-£1000 EVERY MONTH.
You may sometimes see people commenting saying they have made a lot more money since finishing the welcome offers, £1000-£1500 a month and such, but never saying exactly how...
Personally I have made a lot more profit every month since I finished the welcome offers, Usually around the £1000 per month mark.
People say that Match betting drys up once you finish the welcome offers but this is simply not true, it's a matter of being more organised and checking your email for new offers, while also checking the Reload Offers section on Team Profit every morning (Takes literally 5 minutes)
Below is an Example from last month where I made £300 in one week. Bare in mind that the amount you make weekly will vary with the amount of sport that is on, but as long as there's sport, you will always be able to earn. This example is simply to show you the potential Match Betting has long after you've completed the Welcome offers:
Here's exactly how I did it:
Coral: Money back as a free bet up to £50 if your team is ahead in the first half but doesn't win the match in the end: Matched 5 Premier League games, 3 were successful. I received three £50 free bets which I matched and turned into £130 profit risk free. £130 in 30 minutes
William Hill: Money Back as Cash if your horse comes 2nd- 2 of the 6 horses I matched came 2nd, I was also able to make a profit by just matching the bets because my odds were higher on the bookies side by using the Happy Hour odds (between 12pm-1pm, 3 horses with enhanced odds) and also the 3 daily bet boosts on Horse raising( to boost my odds on another 3 horses). £20 in 5 minutes
Paddy Power: Money Back up to £10 if Horse comes 2nd 3rd or 4th, Matched the horse with the lowest odds and sure enough it came 3rd, got my £10 free bet. £8 in 3 minutes
Skybet: Money Back as cash up to £10 if Horse comes 2nd 3rd or 4th, Matched the horse with the lowest odds and sure enough it came 3rd, got my £10. £9.50 in 3 minutes
Skybet: Wednesday Super odds: Matched the three super odds on the exchange and due to the difference in odds (If the odds on the bookies are greater than those for same bet on the exchange you are automatically profiting). £10 in 3 minutes
Boylesports: £10 Free bet if your bet loses(Premier League Match): £8 in 3 minutes
Paddy Power 2up: An offer where you get paid out early if your time goes up by 2 goals, the profit varies depending on what the odds on the exchange are when you back the team you orignally lay against, but this offer can make you a lot of profit (You will need to download the team profit calculator app and use the early payout calculator). Last week it Made me £35. £35 in 5 minutes
Novibet: Deposit £100 and get a £50 free bet. Very easy because you just have to deposit the money, get your free bet, withdraw your £100 straight away, then match the free bet on the exchange. £40 in 5 minutes
Coral: Bet 3x £5 in play and get a £5 free bet-Availble everyday. Just match these at half time so the odds are stable, Make sure you also place mug bets every couple of days if you do this one a lot, I would reccomend doing it 5 times a week tops. £20 in 30 minutes
Paddy Powe Skybet Bet clubs: Bet 5x £10 bets in a week to get a £10 free bet with Paddy Power. Bet £25 in a week to get a £5 free bet with Skybet. £10 in 30 minutes
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Above you can see the reality of making profit long after you've finished the welcome offers, but it comes down to organisation.
So in Summary, these are my 6 Rules for making a monthly Profit:
(1) Check your email daily for offers, many times bookies will send you personalised offers just for you, and these can be very VERY generous.
(2) Check the Reload Offers section on Team profit every morning to see what offers are available that day.
(3) Offers change all the time- Don't let this put you off. There are always new offers to replace the previous ones. There are also Weekly/Daily offers ( Coral £50 free bet, Paddy power refund if 2nd 3rd 4th, William hill money back if second, Paddy Power 2up, Bet clubs etc) which are constantly available when sport is on.
(4) Make Mug bets ( Explained more in PART 3)
(5) It all adds up. Don't think "It's only a £5 free bet, not worth matching". I get around 15 £5 free bets every week, If I ignored them all I would be down £200 at the end of the month.
(6) Don't spend all day at it. Once you've checked your email and reload offers, you know what offers you need to do that day. Set alarms so you can make your matches before each event starts, but don't spend ages sitting at your computer waiting for "the perfect match", for your own mental health, set a time limit of 1 hour per day at most.
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PART 3: FAQ
(1) How much money do you need to put in to start?
When you go onto the offers page on Team Profit after signing up, there is an option to start with £25, £50 or £100. You can select one of those three options And it will show you a different number of offers according to your selection. I started with £100 because I wanted to get things moving a little quicker. I did this so that I would have enough money for liability to do a bigger earning offer at the start. One year later, and having see the potential for profit, I keep around £500 floating between my accounts. This is useful for large sporting events where I may want to do around 10- 15 offers in a short time.
(2) Is it in anyway going to impact my credit score?
Using gambling sites doesn't effect your credit score unless you borrow money to fund it. I do all my match betting through a virtual bank (Monzo) in order to keep that stuff out of my main bank on the off chance that it raises any eyebrows. You'll be using Monzo like a cash card, where you can only spend the money you put into the card. This is why it won't affect your credit score, because you wouldn't be taking out an overdraft or using credit for example.
(3) What is Mug Betting?
Mug Betting is where you make bets that have no relation to any offer or promotion in order to appear like a regular punter. If you are doing a lot of offers on one site, it's a good idea to make mug bets in order to avoid being "gubbed" (Gubbed is a term for when bookies realise you are only taking advantadge of promotions and close your account permanantly). Of course you will also Match these "Mug bets" on the exchange. Make 1-2 Mug bets on Each site every week(On the sites you are using a lot for offers and promotions) in order to ensure your accounts last longer than 1-2 years. I have been matching for well over a year and have never been gubbed. Take the extra couple of minutes to Mug bet, it's worth it.
More on Mug betting here
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Ok so that's everything I can think of to share with you guys, The link to sign up to your free Team Profit account is at the bottom of Part 1 of this guide.
TLDR: You do not need to "gamble" to match bet, in fact by definition, the bet you make is "matched" on the exchange, so it is not a gamble in any sense.
I really hope this guide will help someone out because It really is a solid way to sort out a months rent for quite a modest amount of work.
Thanks for Reading.