This happened some years ago but was just reminded of it, so here you go Reddit!
I worked as a front desk agent in a large luxury hotel chain for some years. One particular hotel I worked at was located really close to the downtown area and so we got a large number of young, very wealthy, business people who loved to party. I usually worked the 2nd & 3rd shifts which meant I got to see loads of drunken hookups, breakups, cheating, hookers, and more.
This particular one though...this is one I will never forget.
I was working at the desk when a group of young, well-dressed men come walking in. They've all clearly been drinking, but aren't so drunk that they can't walk right and hold a conversation.
One of them comes up to me and tells me that while he and his friends were at the bar, a woman was hitting on him, and even though he told her no multiple times she wouldn't stop. So he and his friends left and it wasn't until they got in the Uber that he realized he didn't have his room key anymore. He thinks she took it and he's concerned that she may come up to his room, he asked that I deactivate his keys and if she does come up to the hotel to not let her in.
When he was telling me all of this, it didn't sit right with me. He and his friends were all grinning about it and snickering amongst one another. Then he gave a clear description of her, without being asked. Told me height, body shape, hair color, and style, the kind of dress she was wearing. All while saying it in a mocking tone.
Now, this could have easily been because he thought the whole thing was ridiculous or was too drunk to take it seriously, but it really didn't sound right to me. Either way, I did as I was trained in that situation. I pulled up his reservation, deactivated the keys as requested, made him a new set when he showed me his ID, and even offered to move him to a new room if that would make him feel more comfortable. He and his buddies all laughed a little at that and he declined, took the keys and they went to their room.
About an hour or so later, the woman he described showed up. Now, by this point, my relief for the night had also shown up and was sitting at the front desk while I was in the back office counting down my cash drawer. I hadn't had a chance to tell him about the woman. Just as I'm walking out of the back office with my bag and about to leave, I see my coworker buzz the doors open and the woman comes rushing in, cuts through the lobby and down the hall to the elevators. She was barefoot, holding her heels in her hands, and knew exactly where she was going.
I rushed up to him and told him what the man from before had told me about her. My coworker looked at me confused. He then pointed to the screen that had the reservation pulled up and told me that when the woman arrived, she went to use the room keys and they didn't work. So he asked for her room number and last name, she gave both and her name is on the reservation. I looked at the reservation and down in the notes, there was a woman's name listed. The man from before was listed as the primary, but her name was listed as secondary with his consent to be in the room.
I was confused, I thought maybe she wasn't the same woman he was talking about. But, to be on the safe side I called the man in his room and told him the situation and that we allowed a woman, fitting that description he gave, to enter the building because she confirmed her name was on the room. He laughed, said he forgot her name was on the room and asked that I remove it. I was now super confused, I asked to make sure:
Me: "Sir...just to be clear, the woman you met at the bar tonight was with you at check-in hours ago and was allowed keys then, but now she is not?"
Him: (laughs to all his friends in the room) "Awww....guys I confused the poor girl." (gets back on the phone with me) "Yeah sweetheart, she's banned from the room. Don't worry about the other details, just take her name off."
Me: "...I see. Then, if she isn't going to be on the room anymore, would you like us to call the police and have her removed from the property?"
Him: "Hahaha...woah! That's too far there. Don't worry, she'll get the hint soon enough."
We ended the call there and I got really suspicious of this. I told my coworker to not do anything and that I was going to stick around for a bit to see if anything happened.
A short time later the woman came off the elevator, pouring tears, sobbing while on the phone with someone. She sat down in our lobby and my coworker and I tried to look busy while eavesdropping hard on her phone call.
She was sobbing on the phone to her mom and sister. From what she told them, she was invited out to spend the week with her boyfriend meeting all of his old college buddies. This being their first-night they all met up for dinner and drinks. After a bit, she went to the restroom and when she came back she caught her boyfriend hitting on another woman. His friends all bet that he wouldn't do it. When she confronted him pissed off, he called her a bunch of names and humiliated her in front of his friends and the entire bar. All of his friends joined in on mocking her and he threw in her face that she was "nothing without him" and dumped her right there. He and his friends then took an Uber back and left her stranded at the bar with no money and no way back. She then had to use her phone's GPS and walk back to the hotel from the bar, barefoot (she had heels, and walking 2 miles in those was not going to cut it). She was asking her mom and sister for help as he wouldn't let her in the room to get her luggage or her wallet.
My heart broke. I felt horrible. I helped this guy treat this poor woman like crap and now he and all his friends were up there laughing at her while she's sitting in our lobby sobbing and with nothing. I went over to our snacks area in the lobby, grabbed her a bottled water, and brought it to her. I told her that I couldn't help but overhear the conversation and was very sorry for her situation and asked if she would like us to help. I informed her that if he was keeping her from getting to her things, we could call the police and have them force him to hand over her things so she could leave if she'd like. Or if she wanted to let her mom or sister pay for a room we'd be happy to give her a very low rate in a room far from him.
She thanked me, took the water, and tried to calm down and talk to me about what all was happening and what her options were. Eventually, we decided on her staying in the hotel for the night and figuring out the rest in the morning. As we make it to the desk, she asks me to try and run her credit card to see if it has enough on it for another room. I ask her what she means by "another room" and she tells me that she's actually paying for the room he's in. That his name is on the room because he booked it, but it's her card paying for everything.
This intrigued me. I asked why she was paying for the room if it was in his name. She told me that she's the one with a job, not him. That he hasn't been able to find a job in his field since graduating from college and is essentially living off of his parents' money. But just after they started dating, his parents cut him off, so he's been living off of her money. That's why she was so upset and confused by how he had been acting all night, he was sweet and doing everything for her back home, but since he met up with his friends he did a 180 and hasn't been the same guy the entire time.
I wanted to tell her that it was obvious he was using her for the money and that he would probably blame his friends for all of this and try to get back with her later on. But I doubted she would have listened to me or cared for a complete stranger to butt in on her personal life like that. So instead, I offered up a sweet piece of revenge.
I informed her that, considering she's the one paying for the room, if she can confirm that it is her card on file with some sort of photo ID and verify the last 4 digits of the card number (That's honestly all this hotel company required) then she could, if she wanted to, kick him out of the room and keep it all to herself. But, considering how poorly her night has been, if she were indeed able to prove she is the one paying for the room, then I'd be more than happy to provide for her the biggest luxury upgrade we offered at our property. Largest suite we had, full hotel ammenity access, I'd even have my coworker fish out a bottle of champagne and some fresh strawberries for her to have sent to her room. All free of charge.
She was taken aback by the offer and was very sincerely tempted, she looked like she was about to say no. Then I told her that since she would be upgrading her room, that would require moving her things from that room and into her new one. Which mean the room that she is currently listed in would need to be vacated immediately, if anyone were to remain in the room after we have demanded it be vacated, we are required to have them escorted off the property or they pay for the room. Their choice.
She then thought about it, pulled up her card's banking app and showed me the screen. It had a photo of her, her full name, the card's full number, and the hold from our hotel for the room. She asked if that worked. It was good enough for me.
I quickly upgraded her, moved everything over in the system and before I could say a word to my coworker he was already grabbing a set of master keys, a bell cart and was asking her what her luggage looked like since he would be the one retrieving it for her to deliver to her room. He didn't want her to have to deal with her ex again. She smiled and told him which ones were hers and that she hadn't unpacked yet.
My coworker runs down to the elevators and up to fetch her things. While I make her a new set of keys and send her off to her new room. Once she's on the elevator, my phone at the desk starts ringing. It's the ex-boyfriend and he's very angry about why my coworker has entered the room and is taking her things. I calmly explain that I cannot give out the private information of any of our guests and that if he would like to remain in his room he will need to pay for it as there is no longer a method of payment on his room.
He. Blew. Up.
He's making a ton of demands and at the same time yelling at my coworker to stop what he's doing, but its obvious from the way he's yelling at him that my coworker isn't listening to him. I can even hear the guy's friends telling him to chill out and just pay for the room.
I then explain that we will give him a courtesy 10 mins to make a decision. At which point, if he doesn't have payment ready then he must vacate the building or we will be forced to call the authorities and have him evicted. He continues to yell at me. He screams, swears, threatens, and yells for a solid minute before taking a breath. I then tell him he has 9 mins remaining and asks if he has come to a decision yet. He hangs up on me.
9 minutes later I call the room and he doesn't answer. I call again, no answer. I call a third time, he picks up, then immediately hangs up. I call the police and tell them what's going on and they said they're on their way.
The officers arrive, I tell them what's going on, we go up to the room together and the man and his friends are all white as ghosts when they see the cops. The cops explain to the ex-boyfriend and his friends that they're being evicted. The ex-bf starts trying to talk to me but the cops stop him and tell him to only talk to them (I told him about his attitude on the phone before). The friends are all offering to pay for the room at this point and the cops look to me and ask if that would be acceptable. I smile very sweetly and say "no" and the cops nod and start rushing all of the guys to grab their things and leave the room. The ex-bf is the last one out the door carrying his 2 bags and complaining that he isn't even given a luggage cart and has to carry his own things. His friends all look pissed at him.
I go with the officers to escort all of them out of the building and run into my coworker in the lobby. He waits until they're all outside in the parking lot to tell me that the woman is in her new room, loves it, and said no to the champagne, she just wanted to sleep.
I didn't get to see her before she left town the next day, but the ex-bf did try calling our hotel to complain a number of times and even tried leaving some bad reviews of us online and lied through all of it. I hope she doesn't have to ever deal with him again.
Edit: Thank you all so much for the awards! It's only been 1 day and I'm blown away by how much this story was loved! I normally do post my hotel stories to talesfromthefrontdesk but felt that this one would work here too so I posted it here first. Glad I did and I plan to repost there as well. Thank you all again for the love! I have a lot of asshole stories from working in that industry, very few wholesome stories, but this is my one and only revenge story. So really happy you all loved it! Thank you!
Edit 2: Wanted to address some things you guys brought up in the comments:

1. I have no idea why she didn't use Uber instead of walking, probably due to the distress of the moment and didn't think of it. Honestly, if you're ever in that situation, despite being publicly humiliated like that, ask the staff for help. Either they think of something you're too panicked to think of or they'll be nice and pay for an uber for you. I've done it for people plenty when working in hotels. There's no shame in asking for help.
2. The credit card company is Capital One. I wasn't going to mention it since some subs immediately flag your story for listing major company names and didn't want to fuss with that. But yeah, their app lets you post a picture on your profile and, on most banking and credit card apps, you are able to pull up the full card number by clicking on the account information. Yes, technically I shouldn't have accepted this as a form of ID however, given how shit her night was, I didn't care.

This one happened to me today and I can not stop laughing at it.
Phone call regarding wifi not working in a lady's room but works everywhere else in the house.

$Me = Zach from campfire stories (look it up) People keep asking, I am not him. Just read my lines in his voice. $CU = Clueless User or some snooty art girl
$Me - Thanks for calling IT may I have your name please? $CU - Its Clueless User.

I input her name into the thing and it pops up red indicating a VIP who expects to be given whatever she wants. She usually gets it too.

$ME - So how may I help you today? $CU - So this will sound really weird and crazy, but I swear my wifi does not work right. Everywhere else I can work just fine, but as soon as I bring it home, it just stops working.

Oh fun one of THESE calls. Probably an all metal house or an old as dirt house.

$Me - So is it everywhere in your house? $CU - Yes... NO actually last night I worked while watching netflix on the tv in the living room and had zero issues. $Me - Well thats a good place to start. Lets go into your living room and test the wifi. $CU - Sure thing.

We test the wifi in every room in her house and find that the signal degrades significantly the instant she steps into her room.

$Me - OK this is going to sound like some James Bond scifi stuff but I bet something in your room is causing EM interference. Have you moved anything new into the room? I mean anything. A lamp, a microwave, coffee maker, mini fridge, or even non electronic stuff like metal? $CU - Who has a mini fridge in their room? (Laughs) $Me - I actually keep drinks in mine by my desk while I work. $CU - Oh. Well there is nothing like that. Plus the router is in the other room. Only thing over there are my art projects. $Me - OK. I am reaching WAY out there now. Is there a lot of metal content in that wall? $CU - No but there is a lot of metal on it. $Me - How so? You do metal work for your art? $CU - No I use it to hang my art. $Me - Its probably not it, but lets go ahead and send me a picture of it. I doubt that is whats causing it but might as well send me a picture.

She takes the picture and sends it to me. In a roughly 6x8 foot section of her wall is a mounted chain link fence with these little cut up coke cans as art hanging off of it. It took me a full minute looking at the absurdity of the picture in front me when the light came on.

$Me - Mam, that's a faraday cage. Well... sort of. $CU - What is a faraday cage.

I hear from the background. "I TOLD YOU!"

$CU - Ignore that, thats my son. We keep yelling at him to move the modem and router into our room but he says the fence is the problem. $Me - Well to be honest, it kinda is. No its not kinda, it definitely is. $CU - Huh? $Me - So a faraday cage is what is used to block signals. Basically any linked metal cage can create a field where signals have trouble passing through. $CU - This is that James Bond crap you were talking about? $Me - I mean kinda? Its not a full faraday cage because its just 1 side. Its why your wifi works but constantly cuts out and stays at half strength. A faraday cage has to actually enclose something to properly shield it from radio and em waves. But that chain link fence is in direct line of sight with the router. $CU - I... don't see how that is possible. It makes no sense. But you, my husband, and my 16 year old son all say the same thing. They all say moving that to the garage will solve my problems. $Me - I agree with your assessment. $CU - Are you willing to put your job on it?

She had me stay on hold for 30 minutes as she got her husband and son to move the art and fence to the garage.

$CU - Ok I am back. Pulling the ethernet cable... Huh that was fast. It instantly connected to the wifi. $Me - OK lets get connected again.

Ran ping test with -t -l 1400 and had zero dropped pings. Before it was every 3rd one. Speed test gave her the full speed for her area.

$CU - That was strange, well it is working now. How often you think this happens? $Me - I can legitimately state that I have never once run into this issue in my entire career. $CU - Seriously? $Me - Yup. Now I have run into weird things before. $CU - Like what? $ME - (All true stories.) In my parent's house, if you stand in the laundry room on wifi and I open both the fridge and freezer door in the kitchen, your phone will lose wifi connection. I had a friend who had to move his router 5 feet because a new lamp his mom loved was causing line of sight interference with his laptop. And my uncle decided to build an all metal house. Metal beams, metal roofing, and metal doors. He gets zero reception inside his house and has to run ethernet cables all over his home. $CU - So would running this ethernet cable through the wall be a better solution? $Me - Infinitely better.

I thanked her and immediately shared the picture with everyone on my team. Only 3 had to be told what a faraday cage was. I am so proud of my team.

This happened about 2 years ago, however I was reminded of this encounter by a recent post, which was about Karen going nuts about someone wearing shorts.
Tldr: the title
I'd like to preface it by saying that I have a vitiligo, which at the time wasn't spread as much as it is now (notably face), and the time I have just recently fully recovered from an accident which has left me with one huge and several smaller scars across my entire left arm, all of them most likely lifelong. All of this was completely covered by the slightly oversized hoodie. I guess you can see where this is going.
Side note: I (F, 18 as of now) have been (and still am) given a ton of crap about the skin condition and the scarring, so it kind of wasn't out of ordinary for me. However today, I'd say I'm pretty proud of it. The hoodie was a metal band merch, I don't remember which one though, probably Iron Maiden.
Onto the story of my malicious compliance. Please keep in mind that this happened 2 years ago, so something might and will be off.
I was at my local privately owned grocery shop to do some shopping. I was minding my own business, when Karen and her kid (could've been 9) passed around me. At first she didn't say anything.
Then, some time again, I saw her again. This time I wasn't so fortunate though.
Karen: ,,Ahem, do you think it's appropriate to walk around wearing that satanic thing and possibly traumatising children with that image?"
Me: ,,I'm sorry?"
Karen: ,,You have to take it off!"
Me: ,,I don't understand why, but I'd rather not."
Karen: ,,Just take that satanic thing off and don't be so disrespectful!"
K: begging to go
Me: ,,I'm sorry, but that won't be possible for personal reasons, and besides, I don't have to listen to strangers."
Karen: ,,Yes, you have to listen to the elders! Now take it off!"
I somehow thought that it would be a idea to actually comply. I took the hoodie off, unveiling the results of my skin going through identity crisis and me being a clumsy idiot.
Karen: mix of disgusted, taken aback and dumbfounded face
Me: ,,Told you I have reasons."
Karen: ,,What the fuck is that! (to her kid) Don't look honey!"
Me: ,,So I guess I should put it back on?"
Enter the store worker - SW
SW: ,,Is there a problem?"
Karen: ,,Yes! To have to kick this satanist out!"
Me, now with the hoodie back on: ,,Actually, you should kick HER out for harassing others over what they wear."
Karen: ,,Shut up you disgusting bitch!"
SW to me: ,,May I ask what happened?"
Karen: ,,She was wearing this disgusting thing, then she took it off to scare my sweet angel with her disgusting satanic scars and whatever that other thing is!"
Me: ,,Actually, you told me to take it off and didn't heed my warning."
Karen: ,,Shut up! I don't even understand how could someone do that to themselves!"
Me: ,,Please ma'am, I didn't do this to myself, it's not my fault!" tearing up
SW: attempts to say something
Karen: ,,Don't lie to me you little disgusting bitch! I bet no one likes you, so you do this to yourself!"
Since I've been bullied to hell and back because of the vitiligo, this hurt like hell and I snapped.
Me: ,,Shut up! I bet no one likes you, because you're ugly fat hag that has nothing else to other than insulting others!"
I then ran of and left the shopping cart...with stuff in it...there. I don't know what happened after.
EDIT: Thank you all so much for the support, means a lot to me.

This happened several years ago and to date is the most abrasive interaction I have had with other folks in public regarding my service dog (who is now retired.)
EM: Entitled Mom, EK: Entitled kid, SD: Service Dog, Me: self explanatory
I was maybe about 21 at the time and was in the beginning stages of really learning to be an adult on my own at the time. I had just moved out of my parents house and I to an apartment with a friend. Before this, I still lived at home with my parents and usually just went to school, work and didn't often go places alone because I'm kind of a homebody. So between school, work and the odd outting with my parents or friends everyone usually around me was really respectful and familiar with my service dog and my general rules about her. I didn't have issues usually And if I did, someone less anxious and more assertive was usually there to help me. This was no longer the case after I moved out.
I was out and about running some errands on my own (which I was beginning to enjoy doing!) with my service dog at my side. Along the way, I realized I hadn't eaten in a while and decided to stop at the food court of the mall I was in right then for something quick and tasty. I got my food, found a seat, and began to get my SD focused and prepared to go through our usual process so I could get started on my meal.
I'm not secretive or anything personally and usually I'm down to discuss my dog and educate if I have the time or energy with someone who is polite and well meaning. I have a really intense food allergy so that's what she is for. She also knows how to bring me a handfull of objects on command like an epipen, inhaler, or just lay down next to me to give me access to meds carried on her harness. It's really important that she not be disturbed while I have her check things because a missed alert can be life or death for me, not to be dramatic or anything. Breathing tends to be important.
So I'm about to go through the process of having my dog do a check for me when I see a child making a beeline for my SD. She is harnessed, clearly and boldly marked and not facing this little girl. That doesn't matter though because the child is clearly too young or excited to read.
EK: PUPPY!
I placed a hand out instinctively just in time to keep her from touching my dog, who is still set to do her check thankfully. I try to be understanding with kids but I have a few hard and fast rules. I never reward attempts to touch without asking. I will stop and thank polite children tho. Each situation usually gets a conversation from me about how important working dogs are. However, even with polite children I do not stop my dog mid task for my own safety.
Me: Oh no, Honey. Please don't touch the puppy. She has a really important job and she is working right now.
This is usually a good enough explanation for most children about 2 and up. Not this one though because she immediately starts crying. I am talking full on pouring tears and a red face as she screamed loudly in the busy food court. I looked around for a parent and locked eyes with a round, blonde woman who was apparently staring icy daggers at me.
EM: Why are you touching my child?!
EK: Puppy! I WANT THE PUPPY.
EM marches over to me from her table and demands that I just let her child pet my dog. I could feel the heat on my neck I was so embarrassed at all the staring faces.
Me: I'm sorry, I really can't do that. This is my service dog and she's working right now. If I let her get distracted during her task, I can get really sick or even worse.
EM: Service dogs are for disabled people! You obviously aren't blind and you dont look sick.
Me: Thanks. That means she's doing a good job.
EM: Whats wrong with you then? Just let her pet the dog.
The child is carrying on incoherently during this exchange and has now thrown herself on the floor. My SD is not engaging her but is fond of children so she is looking at her with concern. I get more irritated because I will have to wait longer to eat now.
Me: That's none of your business. Nobody is petting the dog. Can you please leave me alone? Your kid shouldn't be running at large dogs she doesn't know anyway.
EM: I bet you're just faking it! I don't think pit bulls can even be service dogs.
Me: Any breed can be a service dog, lady. Please go away and take your daughter with you.
EM looks like I just slapped her in the face. She could tell I wasn't going to budge. She picked up the small screaming child, walked back to her table and put her in a stroller. She gathered her stuff and left. I breathed a sigh of relief and decided to check my phone for a minute so my SD could forget the ordeal and reset. I figured it was behind me and I could go back to what I was doing. Oh how wrong I was!
Just a few minutes later, I could hear the screech of an EM heading back into battle. The child was still crying and this time she was accompanied by a security officer.
EM: There! That animal bit my baby!
My eyes probably looked like they were going to fall out of my head. I knew people had weird hangups about breeds but this lady had JUST been demanding her kid be allowed to pet my dog. I couldn't believe it!
This particular security guard looked like he didn't want to be mediating between adults at all. He asked me if it was true and I of course said it wasn't. I told him that the child had run up to my dog and the mother was mad I wouldn't let my dog be pet. He asked if she was a service dog. I confirmed she was. He asked if she was trained to do a task to mitigate a disability. I confirmed she was.
EM: She's lying! That mutt but my daughter and made her cry.
EK: Puppy! (The child is visibly reaching for the dog)
The security guard is clearly having none of her crap at this point. My SD is calmly sitting next to us during the whole ordeal, watching me. She doesn't exactly look viscious and is actually quite a sissy.
At this point a girl (Nice Girl, NG) around my own age chimes in.
NG: This lady and her kid were bothering OP. That child was never bitten. You have cameras right?
The security guard confirms there are indeed cameras and says we will all need to follow him so he can check the footage due to the severity of the accusation.
SG: Either I have to call animal control or the police. Harassing a service dog is a felony and a dog biting a child is a pretty big deal. Either way, someone is in trouble.
EM looks panicked and starts to back pedal and says she's willing to drop it and everyone can go their own way. Her precious baby is fine after all.
Me: I'm not willing to drop it. You lied about me. Let's go.
Three more security guards show up and we all get escorted to the security office. Sure enough the footage shows that the kid never even got within arms reach of my dog and EM was harassing us. They ask me if I want to press charges and I say that I do. Police show up within a few minutes and I happen to know one of the officers because he's my ex boyfriends dad (we split amicably before we graduated high school). He knows me. He knows my dog. He loves my dog and has said she's one of the best trained dogs he's ever met. I usually wouldn't be petty but I excitedly greet him. He smiles and asks if it's ok to pet SD at the moment. I thank him for asking permission and say of course. EM looked like she could just throw something. The other officer takes my statement.
In the end, the officers see the footage, EM gets arrested and extra charges thrown on for resisting arrest and assaulting an officer. It was pretty wild. And my first real experience with entitled people on my own. The charge for harassing my SD ended up getting dropped but the other two charges stuck. I didn't care too much about that but hopefully she learned a lesson. I also did eventually get to eat.

When you live in Raw and you like someone, you can be sure that the rest of the townsfolk will find out in no time. We are the most gossipy people in existence–everybody knows everybody and a secret you might tell a close friend is sure to be passed on to an even closer friend of theirs.
I'm looking at you, Mabel.
When I was eighteen, I had the biggest crush a young girl could have. The object of my affections was Bo Davis. He was twenty years old at the time and worked as a farmhand on Mr Johnson's property which was located right next to the Lewises' house. As such, Bo of course knew and to my dismay was great friends with Rory and Matilda Lewis. This was obviously a cause for concern. I was worried that they'd badmouthed me in his presence, or worse, that Matilda was interested in him.
My main concern was for any knowledge of this crush to reach them before I'd have the chance to properly talk to Bo myself. No matter how, I just knew they would try to ruin things for me.
One night, my friend Mabel, she's the daughter of Camille and Matthew Freedman who run the only art supply shop in town, had come to visit the orchard to see me. We had been planning on going out but I was a bit down so we ended up sitting down on the swings in our garden to talk. She asked me what was troubling me and I confessed it all to her–my feelings for Bo just as well as my worries about him being friends with "the enemy". I told her to keep her mouth shut about it and she promised she wouldn't tell anyone.
The next day, everybody knew.
I had to learn it the hard way when Vasily and I went to spend the afternoon at Dante's after he had finished running errands for Donovan. This was back when I was still very new to the place and not even close to frequenting it the way I do nowadays, making the whole thing even more embarrassing to me.
"So… Bo Davis, huh?" my brother asked casually, waving to Desiree who was on her bartending shift at the time.
I took a deep breath. "How?" I asked sharply.
"Oh. Wasn't supposed to get out then?"
"Of course not. Who the hell told you?"
"I heard it from Dallas Jones when I got Dad's whiskey earlier, he knows from Kathy Johnson and she heard it from your friend Mabel." He grinned awkwardly. "Sorry. I'm betting you told Mabel," he added.
"She's getting it for this," I growled.
"Hey, don't be upset now," Vasily tried to comfort me. "A four people chain ain't too bad. Could be more."
"That's not helping."
He shrugged, giving me another apologetic smile before glancing over at the entrance and quickly turning away again. "Well, then I bet you don't wanna know who just walked through the door."
I spun around and there he was. Bo Davis was standing in the doorway, in all of his tall, tan glory. He looked around and upon spotting me took his hat off and walked up to me. I could tell he was grinning, but I couldn't place the look on his face. I cursed inwardly. He knew. I was sure he knew. Of course, Kathy Johnson had probably told him at work.
"The two Bennetts," he greeted us. "Good to see you," he told my brother. "It's been a while."
"Sure has," Vasily replied, looking unsure.
"I'll be frank, I was looking for your sister. Would you give us a moment?"
"Sure will," Vasily replied, still looking unsure but willingly getting up from his chair and walking off to the men's room.
Oh fuck. I had a feeling this wouldn't be pleasant. I shrunk into my seat, looking up at the young man in front of me.
"So, I heard something from Kathy, and I don't know if it's true, but…"
"It probably is, go on." Screw you, Kathy.
He smiled. "For real? That's… very nice. Do you wanna go dancing or something sometime then?"
"What?" I must have looked flabbergasted.
"Oh. Okay, this is awkward. See, Kathy told me you liked me and not gonna lie, I was pretty happy about that. I thought I'd ask if you wanted to go out, but if that was just some dumb gossip, I'm really sorry. Didn't mean to be all weird on you."
"No, no, it is true!" I stammered, still absolutely aghast but very much trying to pull myself together. "I just kinda didn't expect you to… uh… I mean I'd love to go out."
He beamed at me.
We started off slowly. Our first date was at the college bar in town where all the younger people go to dance. I had an amazing time and Bo was the sweetest guy ever. A great dancer too. Afterwards, he walked me home and stayed a few minutes to introduce himself to Donovan. They had known of each other prior to that night of course, but Bo took it as common decency to say hello and Donovan loved it.
"He's a good boy," I later overheard him tell Siobhan. "He's gonna have to stop hanging around the Lewises so much, but he knows what to say, I'll give him that."
"And he seems to be such a hard worker," my mother answered eagerly. "I was scared she'd bring home some deadbeat. I love Pepper but you never know with that girl."
I was happy. I was in love. Not just that, I saw myself having a future with him. I knew he did too.
From then on, he would pick me up regularly until we'd spend almost every single day together. He wasn't pushy and the first time we kissed was amazing. Sure, we were both shy and clumsy as hell, but we didn't care. It was still the greatest feeling ever. This went on for one and a half months. And then it happened.
Raw's mayor throws a party for all of us every year on his wife's birthday. It's this huge, grand festivity that everyone attends whether they want to or not. There's music blasted through speakers in the townsquare which is probably loud enough for them to hear it over in Pure and there's fireworks and free booze and cake. It's wonderful, actually. At that point, I had only attended it once before and I had absolutely loved it, so of course I was looking forward to going there with Bo that year too.
Little did I know that after that night, I would spend the following birthdays of the mayor's wife locked inside my room, hugging my blanket and crying into my pillow while trying to keep myself from thinking of that young man I had so adored.
I still remember standing side by side with him, watching as the first colorful sparks rose and exploded into the night sky when he leaned in and spoke into my ear. I couldn't understand him so I motioned for him to repeat himself. He shook his head, took me by the hand and led me off from the small crowd. We actually had to walk for a few minutes until the music had grown quiet enough for us to talk. With all the lights and noise having faded into the background, I almost felt relieved when I could hear his soft, warm voice again.
"I've been wanting to tell you something. I don't want you to feel pressured so make of this what you will for now. So… I used to live with my parents until now but I talked to Mr Adams… he's the guy who used to live in that small, older house just up the street from yours. I've been wanting to move out for a while now and I've finally got enough money to actually think about it. Anyways…" He cleared his throat. "As I said, I talked to Adams and he's letting me have the house for a sum I can actually afford. Like, I will have to pay it off, don't get me wrong, but it's mine already. I'm moving in next week. Just gotta pack up my things."
"That's awesome," I began, my cheeks warming up. "You'll be so much closer!"
"Actually, about that. It really is pretty close. I know we haven't been a thing for long but I… I really want to have you with me. If that's too fast for you, it's okay. But just so you know… if you'd wanna come live with me, I'd love that." He smiled gently. "Of course, I was just super eager to move out already and you haven't even been with your family for too long, so I understand if you don't want to. Just letting you know. This is my invitation, basically."
I was staring at him with wide eyes. That was a huge step. I had only lived in a set place for one year though, so moving wouldn't make much of a difference. I could always return home if something went wrong. I was lovestruck; I wanted this. I was about to tell him when he shook his head.
"Okay, you look… affirmative," he said, chuckling a bit. "But please don't say yes just yet. I want you to really think about this before you decide. You gotta be sure, you know?"
I shut my mouth again, nodded and smiled. "Wanna go back to the party then?" I suggested.
He grinned. "Sure."
Just as this word had left his mouth, a high-pitched, ghastly scream cut through the night air, causing me to gasp and stumble against Bo who quickly steadied me on my feet. He too looked shaken.
"What was that?" I uttered, looking around frantically. We weren't close enough to the mountains for the creatures to be a threat; we were somewhere close to or behind the Johnsons' farm. There was no one else around but there were no dogs barking either. None of the telltale signs were there.
Bo's brow trembled as he stood up on his tiptoes to get a better look at our surroundings. "Way too dark to see anything," he muttered. "Crap."
"You think we should tell the others?"
"No… we gotta check this out first. Could just be some animal. Foxes in heat can sound scary as hell too and I've seen one or two sneak around the farm before."
"Don't leave me alone here," I pleaded.
"Of course not." He offered me his arm. "Not letting you walk around in the darkness on your own."
Pressing to his side, I followed him closer to the fenced area in front of the Johnson farm. It's not the biggest part of their land, simply the one where they grow their vegetables. I could barely make out anything, except for the short moments during which the sky would be illuminated by the bright colorful light of the fireworks.
"Maybe we should get one of our dogs," I thought aloud.
"I don't think we need to. That'd be such a huge detour."
"Do you have some kind of weapon with you at least? Your knife maybe?"
"Hey. Look at me." He kissed me on the forehead. "We'll just check this out. Nothing will happen. Not that I'd let you get hurt anyways." He winked. "No, for real. Everything's okay. It'll only be a minute."
He took a step ahead into the darkness. Another scream pierced the silence and we instantly started into the direction it had come from. We were still close to the Johnsons' farm, now walking around the fenced area and finally coming to a halt in the back of their house. It wasn't all that quiet anymore though. We could hear a low, rattling sound which seemed to come and fade again in long intervals. It took me a while to place it.
It was breathing. Someone or something was slowly breathing in and out, loudly too; yet they seemed to have trouble even doing so at all. It sounded almost like they were coughing with the way the air seemed to labor its way in and out of their lungs. It was raspy, heavy and deep. I had never heard anything like it before. The noises sent a chill down my spine as I tried to make out their source.
"Something's moving over there," Bo whispered.
I followed his pointing finger. He was right. There was something writhing on the ground. I could see slivers of some lighter color moving around in the darkness. "Is it an animal?" I breathed.
"No… that'd be way smaller," he replied in a hushed tone. "We need to be careful, there's this muddy spot over there. The Johnsons' pet pig always splashes around in it. We might slip if we get too close."
"You sure it's not just the pig then? That really did sound a little like a pig grunting just now."
"It should be inside around now. You're right though, it might have run off somehow." He let out a sigh of relief. "I'll check. You stay here, I don't want you to slip in the dirt."
I only reluctantly let go of his arm but stayed in place as he had asked. I watched the sheen of his brown leather jacket being swallowed by the blackness bit by bit.
"Rossa!" he called out, presumably the animal's name, making a clicking noise with his tongue to get its attention. My heartbeat quickened when I heard his breath hitch.
"What's wrong?" I whisper-shouted, a strange, nervous tingling sensation in my hands and cheeks.
"This can't–" Bo's voice was breathless and stunned. It was cut off by an ear-piercing scream, his scream, and I lunged forward, slipping on the wet ground and falling flat into the dirt. My head made contact with something hard, a stone maybe, and I shrieked with pain. I yelled his name, but only received more cries of terror in response. I struggled to get up, not managing to catch my footing in the mud.
"Where are you?" I screamed, now close to tears. I had lost all sense of orientation; his screams seemed to come from all around me. There was no light anymore, my head was spinning as I desperately spun around again and again hoping to spot his shiny jacket or the pale spot on the ground. "Where are you?!" I cried out once more, louder this time, a feeling in my chest like my heart was about to burst.
From somewhere, I thought I could hear him shout at me to stay back, but his words faded into a sickening gurgle before more agonized howls followed. There was a ringing in my ears. I called his name, pulling on my own hair and sobbing in wild despair as the screams faded into silence, until suddenly, all the lights of the farmhouse came on at once. It was so bright I couldn't see anything at first. Blinded, I stumbled around, trying to find something to hold onto.
"Good God…" The deep voice of an older man caught my attention, I recognized it to belong to Mr Johnson. The next thing I heard were three shots and a strange, crooked whimper.
"Bo?" I asked once more into the blinding light. However it was Mr Johnson who responded.
"Mother Mary… Pepper Bennett, right? Stay where you are!" He was speaking loudly but he sounded so afraid. He seemed like he was trying his best to stay calm though, talking to me in a forced soft but firm voice. "Don't move, okay?"
I blinked. I was finally beginning to regain my vision.
"Do not turn around!" the old farmer repeated. "I'm here. It's alright. Just don't turn around."
But I did. I heard him approach me from somewhere behind my back and I turned my head just a little bit. I caught a glimpse of something indescribable. It wasn't like anything I'd ever seen before. It was lying on its stomach, pale and hairless and twisted and alien. I couldn't tell if it was a man or a beast at first. But I saw much more than that. I saw blood.
A large, warm hand wrapped itself over my eyes. "Don't look," Mr Johnson uttered from right behind me, gently ushering me away. It was too late though. I couldn't scream anymore. My throat felt like it was burning. All I could do was sob silently as the farmer led me off and brought me back to Donovan and Siobhan who were both extremely confused but immediately took me into their arms.
Mr Johnson had seen Bo and me leave the party. When we hadn't come back right away, he'd worried we might have been getting up to some kind of mischief. He followed us and was instantly alerted by our screams, so he ran into the house to turn on the floodlights and grab his gun. By the time he returned however, it was too late for Bo. The creature had already torn him apart when he came out to kill it.
My parents brought me to the doctor that same night since I was dizzy and the ringing in my ears wouldn't stop. He said for the most part, it was probably the shock but that it appeared I had also sustained a light concussion from hitting my head.
The Davises didn't put any blame on me. I however did. To this day, I'm not sure if I could have saved him, but I know I could have tried harder than I did. If I hadn't slipped, if I hadn't panicked… maybe I could have helped. I'm not "over" what happened to him. I just don't think of it as much anymore. I stopped spending hours just imagining where we would be today if he hadn’t died. I stopped sleeping for days on end because getting up felt pointless. I guess I stopped to tell myself it was my fault too. All of that stopped a long time ago. Deep down however, I know that a part of me died with him that day.
Every year on the day of his death, I spend around three hours in the local cemetery to visit him. I always go there before the mayor's wife's birthday party starts so I don't have to hear any of the commotion. When I was still eighteen, I would spend almost every waking hour by his grave. It was hard to limit it to just once a year, but I'm glad I did. I knew I had to move on with my life eventually. As I said, it stopped a long time ago. I try to remember him instead of his untimely death. I try to remember his smile instead of the closed casket funeral. And when I leave again, I try to forget it all for a little while.
Where the creature came from, no one knew. It wasn't like the others though. However it closely resembled the one we found in the abandoned house Rocco claimed was haunted.
I'm sorry if this all reads as a bit jumbled. I still get very emotional thinking about it and I've never written it all out before. I don't think I want to ever again.
Since this is my last chance, I guess I should take it to say that Bo Davis was a wonderful young man. I admired him, and no matter if we'd ended up living together or not, I know for sure I would have never stopped cherishing the memories I made with him. I still do.
x
Alien lights above the hills

So, it's been a year since I joined Reddit... but do you hear that...?
Exactly.
Tonight gentle readers, we shall speak of my long headache going away. It's a lovely time at the Lacking Tea. Buttercup's mane is extra-sparkly, and even the Teal Deer is allowing themselves to be petted, but only a little bit. Because we've finally gotten rid of the last of the troublemakers.
But I get ahead of myself. Firstly, a recap for those who haven't been reading my tales. Our hotel has been providing shelter to many of the local homeless during the Covid crisis.. This has unfortunately not gone nearly as well as planned, owing to the number of folks for whom homelessness was the result of deliberate and sustained resistance to The Man telling them what to do. About a third or so.
The rest were fine folks who've just hit a rough patch, needed a little help getting back upon their feet. It pleases me that a lot of the folks who were not problematic were placed in various other housing programs, getting them more permanently housed and off the streets hopefully for good. Our county has been making great strides with a 'housing first' approach, seeing fantastic success rates and lower costs than the usual approach of making it someone else's problem, or hoping that they just die in a ditch someplace.
But the riff-raff nearly ruined it for everyone.
I've spoken at considerable length about the struggles we've dealt with. How the various problematic folks have nearly brought this entire project to a halt with their antics. The rise in criminal activity, casual disrespect for the hotel and it's staff, and the near-constant game of 'Guess The Odor In The Hallway' has been a great burden, one which combined with the stress of the Covid crisis, has brought your humble narrator to despair more than a few times.
Gotta admit, Buttercup's been a lifesaver.
But they're gone now. Some were obnoxious enough to warrant immediate eviction, others were simply not invited to continue their stay within the program. They are no longer our problem, and they're gone now. We noticed that as we were getting rid of more and more of the problem-causers, the less problems with their 'friends' we were having. No more fights, no more strange smells, no more literal pile of stolen bicycles in the back of the parking lot. MUCH better.
So... I've mentioned 'Jared Mitchell' before in this post, having caught him in flagrante bikestealingo. Additionally I have mentioned his girlfriend in this post (she's the one demanding to be let into his room). These two are very firmly on the riff-raff side of things - the afore-mentioned bicycle pile was their fault - but they had been very careful not to do anything that would warrant more than a warning growl from Angry Skwrl. They were very clearly up to various shenanegains, but nothing big enough to call the cops on, you know?
Still, the program is done month-to-month, and with July ending, the manager trimmed down the number of rooms we were allocating to the program. The only ones invited to remain were the highest-risk individuals - the elderly and infirm. These folks know a good thing when they see it, and haven't caused any issues worthy of note. Of the folks who were losing rooms, those who were in compliance with the rules and not causing issues were invited to other programs...
Jared and his girlfriend were not invited to participate.
And so, August arrived, and with it the last traces of the problematic folks we had been dealing with. A few new faces, refugees from the other two hotels in town participating in the program. Those hotels had it MUCH worse. The Motel Number had gone absolutely feral, so getting some of the 'nice old folks' out of there was a good thing. I still was keeping the front doors locked at night, and keeping an eye out fo various familiar trespassers, but overall, it looked to be a refreshing change of pace...
... until Jared walked in.
I was initially worried he was pulling a 'Mike', but nope, he actually 'belonged' there. His girlfriend was renting a room. She smugly informed me that now she could have guests up to her room, that they didn't have to follow the silly rules that the program required, that I no longer had any power over them. They were pretty much determined to continue their life of shifting various stolen goods in and out of their room (spoiler: when they left, they had a LOT of stuff that wasn't theirs in there...) and whatever.
Now, of course they were renting by the day, always paying cash in the mornings. Somehow they finagled a 'military rate' for a couple of the nights (betting they talked to the coworker who just doesn't care), and generally getting a very low price for putting up with them. Shady as all heck, and also baffling - for the amount of money they were spending, they could have had a house in some of the nearby towns, or a decent apartment in this one. But of course, that would require a certain amount of background checks, verifiable income, and a few things that folks who are making their living off stolen property don't have. Still, why come to our hotel? There are cheaper hotels that won't care if someone is dragging a box of stolen crap through the lobby at four in the morning. I suppose we should take it as a compliment?
Being the only means of entry into the hotel at night, I got to deal with their comings and goings all night long. The thing is, the Covid crisis is getting worse here in California. In this town most folks are smart enough to wear masks, but not Jared and his girlfriend. No, they had to be reminded. Every. Single. Time. Oh, they forgot.. sorry... won't happen again... Yeah, no. Pretty certain they were deliberately not wearing them as a form of rebellion against my silly rules. The girlfriend even said "You're the only one who cares!" a few times.
But unfortunately, I couldn't actually do anything. Company policy was to ask people to please wear their masks. Once they caught on that I couldn't enforce anything, they went ahead and didn't bother wearing their masks at all. I mean, there's even a mask-wearing ordinance here in town, but the cops aren't going to come out at three in the morning to write someone a citation...
Finally though, new word from corporate - with things getting worse here in California, we were going to be requiring masks. No more asking, we now are to tell people they cannot enter the building without a mask. Period. I was elated, and asked my manager, "Just to confirm... If Jared and his girlfriend are not wearing masks, I get to tell them they cannot come in?" "That is correct. If they give you trouble, you can cancel their room, too." "*happy Skwrl noise*"
Anticlimactically, I was to be denied. There would be no thunderous "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" uttered that night. Which is a pity, as I have Gandalf's entire speech memorized. It seems that they got into it with my manager (whom I'd been giving nightly updates) and he had given them the boot himself. They were out. Gone. Done. Corporate has been informed that they are on our DNR list, and that their Shiny Metal status should be revoked.
But with that, the last of the riff raff is gone.
There's a couple of folks who are not entirely trustworthy, but they are not up to any criminal activity on a nightly basis. No endless parades of stolen bicycles, unattended power tools, or recreational pharmaceuticals. I have to get up maybe three times a night to let someone in, instead of a dozen.
A final gasp was had in the form of one of their friends looking to be let in. I told him he needed a mask. He said he was just going to go visit Jared. I told him they were not here. Did I know where they had gone? Nope. No longer Skwrl's problem. Closing the door now.
So there you have it... there's still some homeless staying with us, at least until the end of the month, but the last of the troublemakers have left. The change in the hotel is palpable. It's quite refreshing.
Well, sort of. Heat wave here. This whole week is going to be about 110F/44C. Tuesday's forecast just reads 'THE SUN IS ANGRY'. I really wish the hotel's pool wasn't out of service. Take a little time to say goodbye to Buttercup.
Teal Deer; The last of the problem-causing folks have been kicked out of the hotel, your humble narrator enjoys some peace.

Hello everyone!
To repeat what the title said, ten months ago I responded to a prompt:

[WP] When out in the woods, you discover a cave that leads to a world that operates under Pokémon logic... And find that you have an innate ability to tame the monsters of this world.

The idea absolutely gripped me - and now I’ve published a novel inspired by that prompt and my love of monster taming games! Here’s the details:

Two suns, foreign plants, and a whole slew of monsters to tame.
Amateur entomologist and reluctant Life Scout, Caleb finds far more than he expected when he stumbles through a hidden cave and into a new world full of Kritt - monsters that can be tamed and taught to fight. He also didn’t expect evil overlords and their minions looking to use the power of Kritt to grind this world under their bootheel.
Unless someone stops them, that is.
Once meeting Antoinette, an affectionate ant Kritt that bonds with Caleb, and Karla, a tamer of this world that’s living off the land and preparing to strike back against the Darkholds, they set off. Their goal? Help free the people of this world from the Overseer’s grasp. A mountain’s worth of threats stand in their way, though: the Overseer’s soldiers, terrible abominations, wild Kritt, and all the trouble Caleb’s sarcastic mouth can cause.
Welcome, Caleb, to the world of Kritt. Now evolve - or perish.

Into the Tall Grass is a Portal Fantasy/Isekai book with strong gamelit elements.
FAQ
Harem/Sex/Murder?
Nope. This story is designed to capture the feel of those classic games, and while it does have higher stakes than those games, it is designed to capture the light-hearted feel that we all love.
Audiobook?
Nothing yet announced, but I’ll update if there is one!
Stats?
Into the Tall Grass is a stat light gamelit, and the stats do not appear explicitly until later in the book once Caleb gets his totally-not-a-Pokedex goggles. The later books in the series will have more detailed stats as Caleb delves further into the system that runs this world.
Shorts?
They’re comfy and easy to wear.
Where do I catch the book?
Well, you first need to learn HM Cut, go to the hole in the wall after beating the second boss...or you can just get it on Amazon
Amazon US Link - UK | CA | AU | DE | MX | JP | IN | BR | FR | ES | IT | NL
I want to sample before I pick up?
Well, good news for you - just read on!
Caleb Cooper slapped at his arm with a growl. Another mosquito. He wouldn’t have said camping was his least favorite activity in the world. Even at sixteen, he could easily imagine worse ways to spend his time. He could have his feet dipped in acid, or be stabbed in the back repeatedly, or repeat algebra. But no one was forcing him to do any of those, because he’d passed algebra and hadn’t angered any Bond villains lately.
“C’mon, try to smile some,” his dad said, walking up behind him and shaking his back. “What more could you want? We’ve got the great outdoors, we’ve got trees, we’ve got sun, we’ve got fresh air...this is perfect!”
Caleb sighed. “Oh, yeah, surrounded by kids who’re still in junior high. It’s everything a growing teen could want. Toxic plants, the sun, brats who think I’m a weirdo, the sun again...what’s not to love? You know, I could be going to a party tonight.”
His dad’s smile didn’t waver. “You do so love the party scene. I mean, the last one you went to was...Jimmy Dryer’s eighth birthday party? Getting wild up in the hizzouse there.”
“Okay, dad, I need to tell you two things. First of all, if you say hizzouse out loud, ever again, I will die. I will literally fall over dead from embarrassment. No, I know the correct definition of literally and I am using it correctly, that is actually what will happen. Do you want to be responsible for filicide via intense shame?”
“I’m positive that’s not actually possible.”
“Oh, it totally is. Remember Becky? Died last year because her mom was singing ‘Ain’t nuthin but a G Thang.’ Sure, they say Becky changed schools because they moved, but it was all a cover up. Heard her mom singing and pow!” Caleb punched a closed fist into his empty hand. “dropped over dead.”
His dad laughed. “Noted. And the second thing?”
“You might have picked up subtle hints about this, what with me mentioning it no less than two hundred and ninety eight times on the drive down here according to you. I don’t really like camping.”
There was a long pause, and his dad’s face fell. Caleb immediately winced, but it was too late. “You used to beg to go out every year, remember?”
Yeah, in like 8th grade. When all his friends had been in boy scouts with him, and he’d been able to spend time with them. But high school had come, and his friends had moved on. But the Coopers came from a long line of Eagle scouts. His dad was an Eagle Scout, his grandfather had been an Eagle Scout, and Caleb’s dad would be damned if his son wasn’t an Eagle Scout. “Right,” Caleb muttered. “Sorry, I’ll give it a chance. I’m sure once I get back in the groove it’ll be fine.”
“That’s the spirit!” His dad’s face lit back up.
Caleb gave him an expression that could have been a grin if you squint hard enough. “Awesome. I’m going to...head out.” He turned to trundle off into the woods.
“Where are you going?” his dad asked.
Caleb held up a glass. “Going to see if I can find an Acorn Weevil. There’s a lot of oaks around here, and I’d like one for the collection.”
It was the one part of the outdoors Caleb enjoyed -- catching insects. It was a bit of an odd hobby, but Caleb was a bit of a junior entomologist and enjoyed it. He was thinking about going to college for entomology after he graduated. Something about the wide variety of possible insects, finding things that people usually overlooked, categorizing them...it was calming. He had several glass cases of them pinned at home, many of them gathered from scouting trips like these.
Naturally, it was the one part of the outdoors his dad didn’t like. His father turned green and motioned for Caleb to go ahead. “Don’t wander too far!” he shouted.
Yeah, yeah. It wasn’t like he could go too far even if he wanted to. The campsite was in the middle of a series of mid-Missouri bluffs, and wandering more than an hour’s walk would inevitably lead to a solid rock wall. Or a road.
Step by step, the sounds of the rest of the boy scout troop receded in the forest behind him. Caleb let out a sigh of relief. He was the only high schooler still in the troop, and a lot of the older kids thought he had to be some kind of loser to still be doing this at his age.
They aren’t wrong, Caleb thought. Just not for the right reasons. Being a boy scout isn’t what made him a loser. It was his complete lack of social life at high school, relegated only to a few other dorks at lunch who he didn’t really hang out with, and the fact that he collected bugs when most people were going to parties or making out or getting drunk or playing video games or even playing Magic: The Gathering - that made him a loser.
That’s right. The MTG kids could look down on him for bug collecting. Was that fair? Obviously, they deserved someone who they could look down on too, and Caleb understood that unlike their weird hobby, his weird hobby was also gross. Still, didn’t he deserve the same? Someone he could silently judge and feel superior to? But, no, the only ones lower than him on the social hierarchy were kids with actual issues, and Caleb didn’t want to be that kind of jerk.
The worst part was, he felt bad for not enjoying the scouts anymore. If his dad had planned these trips as one on one things, where they could go out and find rare insects, or even some other wildlife finding things like birdwatching or something, Caleb would have loved their trips as much as he used to. Well, probably. Maybe. I’d like it better if I knew this was the alternative, Caleb amended. These days, however, he’d found most of the insects at their usual camping sights. He actually had an acorn weevil already, but there was no way his dad would remember it - since his dad didn’t really look beyond his own wants. He wanted an Eagle Scout, so an Eagle Scout Caleb would be.
Especially after what had happened with mom. Dad had become rabid about father-son activities since then. “It’s just the two of us now,” Dad said once, when he’d had a bit too much to drink after work. “Just the two of us.”
Caleb shook his head and brushed away a tree branch before it could slap him in the face. The stinging in his eyes was a good reminder why he didn’t want to go down that particular rabbit hole.
A little while later, as he had expected, Caleb found himself at one of the bluffs. It was a solid expanse of rock, covered in creeping vines. The tendrils would be crawling with acrobat ants, which made them a nice place to stop because they’d keep the wasp population down in the region. Maybe I could try to find a nest. Maybe even a queen. That thought he discarded - it would be a prize, but the only way he’d ever add an ant queen to his collection would be if he found one dead. It felt different than taking a single insect and putting it on his board. Taking a queen could wipe out an entire colony.
When I finish college, I’ll get a whole terrarium. Then I can have living ones. That way I’ll get to enjoy my insects in peace and make sure I never ever have people invite themselves over. They’ll be all ‘oh, can I come over’ and I’ll be like ‘sure, don’t mind the ants.’ And then I’ll have alienated another person! That would be better and would make him feel better about what he did. Even the knowledge that he was killing bugs sapped the fun out of his hobby. Of course, that same hobby would also guarantee his adulthood was as lonely as his teenage years, so maybe…
“Gah!” Caleb cried, and kicked a rock at the bluff. It was stupid and childish, but it helped with the frustration. He leapt to the side to avoid the rebound.
He needn’t have bothered. The rock went straight through the vines instead of plinking off the bluff. Caleb froze, then slowly started inching toward the barrier. Is that a...cave? He reached out, brushing some vines away, only to reveal a cave on the side of the cliff. It went back a good twenty or thirty feet in a crevice easily large enough for him to walk through before vanishing into darkness.
Bet I could find something new in there. He groaned. Because amateur spelunking has such a high success rate. That can’t possibly go wrong. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of...actually, I don’t know anything where amateur is a good thing.
Ignoring the warnings of his own hindbrain, something he was exceptionally good at, Caleb flipped on his flashlight. While he wasn’t a big fan of being a scout, their motto of “Be Prepared” had stuck with him more firmly than he cared to admit. Summoning his courage, he headed inside.
The cave was large enough for him to walk upright, at least. I wonder if anyone’s ever even been in here before? It was possible he was the first human to ever notice this cave hiding behind the vines, that his were the first human footsteps in this cave. Who knew what could be ahead? Hell, if it went deep enough, he might discover an entirely new species - cave ecologies were often very isolated from the rest of the world.
That thought overrode the lingering fears of going spelunking alone, and Caleb pushed ahead. To his relief, the cave didn’t really branch off anywhere, so there was only a miniscule risk he’d find himself wandering in circles. It wasn’t long until he was plunged entirely into darkness aside from his flashlight.
“You have now left the domain of the sun,” Caleb said in his best announcer voice. He’d heard that line from…was it a webcomic? Or a blog? He couldn’t remember, and that train of thought was derailed as his heart started to beat faster. The primal fear of the dark still clung to him, and he wasn’t as certain as he’d been at the outset that this was a good idea. Given he’d been fairly certain this was a terrible idea, that was saying something. Just as he was about to turn around, he saw it.
It looked like an ant, but it wasn’t like any ant Caleb had seen before. It was large, nearly a foot from mandibles to thorax, and too brightly colored to be a normal cave dweller with its exoskeleton covered in gold and black swirls. Its eyes were wrong, too, looking more like something you’d see on a mammal than on an insect. It should have been frightening, but somehow, it was oddly cute. The gentle eyes, the way it moved awkwardly, like it was a newborn that hadn’t quite grown into its legs...it had an overall appearance of helplessness. It looked up at Caleb and chirped curiously.
Holy crap. “Well, hello there,” Caleb said. “What are you?”
The strange ant chirped again. I have to catch it. It was too big for his glass jar, but that didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter that his dad would refuse to let Caleb bring it back alive. Caleb would find a way, damn it. This wasn’t just a new species, this was an insect that shouldn’t be possible. Ants didn’t get this big, and certainly not in caves. Caleb reached out a tentative hand.
What the hell are you doing? he thought. He knew nothing about the thing. It could be venomous. It could be dangerous. It was a wild animal, and he was trying to pet it?
Much to his surprise, the ant didn’t recoil from his hand or lunge at it. Instead, it studied it curiously, then rolled over on its back and began to wave its legs in the air like a cat trying to get attention, chirping happily.
Screw it. Caleb ran his fingers over the thing’s belly. It made a sound halfway between a chirp and a purr, almost like a trill. “Oh my God, I have to find a way to keep you. What do you eat?”
Not that he expected the ant to answer. He didn’t expect the ant to respond at all, besides continuing to make happy little trills as Caleb gave it a belly rub. Its exoskeleton was softer than he expected, covered with fine hairs that probably served to keep off water but also made it unimaginably soft. Already Caleb wasn’t thinking about the enormity of the discovery, he was thinking about taking it for walks around the block, or letting it chase a laser pointer.
Then, abruptly, the ant fell silent and righted itself. It hissed in Caleb’s direction.
He froze, shying back and running his hand through his own hair.. “Woah? What’s wrong? Too many tummy rubs?”
And then he realized the ant wasn’t staring at him. It was staring over his shoulder.
Caleb spun, whipping the flashlight around, and came face to face with an oncoming monstrosity. It was a bipedal insect creature with four limbs, nearly as tall as Caleb was. The upper limbs ended in vicious stingers, and the lower limbs had grasping pincers. Instead of mandibles, it had tentacles growing from under its six beady eyes.
That flashlight saved Caleb’s life. The creature shied back, its eyes glowing in the brilliant light.. The ant screeched and began to run deeper into the cave. That seemed smart. Panicked by the monstrosity, Caleb followed.
This isn’t happening. The sound of Caleb’s feet pounding against the floor of the cave filled his ears. His heartbeat joined the sound, and the light swung wildly. He was gaining on the ant. A surge of adrenaline hit, and Caleb reached down to scoop it up. The ant trilled in confusion, and lacking anything else to do, Caleb put it on his head without breaking stride. He kept running, the ant now turning behind him and shrieking more and more. It's gaining on us! Caleb could almost imagine it saying.
Then the light ahead grew bright. Without warning, he was back out into the forest, into the sun.
The monstrosity skidded to a halt near the entrance of the cave, waving its tentacles and roaring but refusing to enter the sunlight. Caleb was fine with that. Caleb was fine with doing nothing but running at a breakneck pace, his new friend sitting on his head and now trilling in defiance. Darting forward, he wove in and out of the trees, turning to avoid tripping over rocks. At one point, his vision a fog of panic, he was thought he jumped a stream.
It wasn’t until his lungs started to burn that Caleb started to slow down. A few steps later, he dropped to the forest floor, panting.
After a few minutes of gasping, he took stock of his surroundings. With dawning horror, four realizations hit him. The first was that he’d somehow run through a bluff that stretched for a hundred miles in less than a day. The second was that the trees didn’t look like anything native to Earth, let alone Missouri. That alien impression was greatly aided by the fact that there were two suns overhead, one red and one yellow, which was number three. Multiple suns were kind of a big one. Finally, and most importantly, he had completely lost track of where he was in relation to the cave.
Panic seized him, and Caleb plucked the ant off his head with shaking hands and held it across his knees, on its back. It came to Caleb so naturally that he didn’t even think about the fact that his panic response was to cuddle a strange animal until after he had. The ant looked up at him with eyes full of warmth and gratitude. “Where the hell am I?” he asked.
In response, the ant started to purr.
Chapter 2
After a bit, the ant began to struggle. “I can’t just keep calling you ‘the ant,” Caleb said to it as he put it down. The ant looked up at him and clacked its mandibles. “Hmm. Don’t know if you’re a girl and or a boy ant. Although if you’re eusocial, those terms probably don’t matter anyway. You’re not a queen or you’d be in your hive, so...are you a soldier? Or a worker?”
Maybe it was Caleb’s imagination, but the ant seemed to be happier with the word soldier. That’s probably just wishful thinking. You need to get your priorities in order, man. You’re in a world with two suns, you should be flipping out right now! And yet, he felt strangely calm. Maybe it was just because the whole thing was so surreal. Or maybe it was just because he expected at any moment to wake up back in his tent with the story of a crazy dream. Or maybe you’ve just snapped, and any moment now you’re going to realize you’re completely barking mad. Caleb shook his head. If he was dreaming or crazy, there was no point trying to figure it out. Either he’d wake up, or he’d be put in a nice padded room and given pills until he could see things normally. “How about Antoinette?” he said.
The Ant - Antoinette - began to bob its head and marched over to Caleb’s hand, pressing its head against his palm until he started to scratch it. Might as well think of you as a she, he thought. Giving her a name seemed to have done the trick, and Antoinette was now trilling and purring happily against his hand. “So, Antoinette, don’t suppose you know if I’ve gone crazy or anything, do you?”
Antoinette was not particularly eager to respond. After some time scratching and spacing out, Caleb shook his head. “If this is all real, I have to start thinking of what comes next,” he said to Antoinette. “C’mon girl, let’s get moving.” As soon as Caleb stood, Antoinette reared onto her hind legs. Smiling, Caleb scooped her up and put her on his shoulder. Even though she was nearly as long as a cat, she weighed about half as much. That, plus the long years of scouts giving Caleb at least some muscles to work with, meant she could stay on his shoulder easily. “Okay. Let’s go back and see if that thing is gone from the cave, right?”
Immediately Antoinette’s demeanor changed. She began to shiver and rubbed against his cheek. “You can’t possibly understand me,” Caleb said. Antoinette continued to shiver and rub, and Caleb decided it had to be his imagination. Even if Antoinette seemed to be more along the lines of a small mammal in terms of intelligence than an ant, there was no way she had the intelligence of a human - and even if she did, she couldn’t speak or understand English. She was probably just picking up on his nerves over returning. As he turned to retrace his steps, he reached up and began to stroke her back. “Don’t worry. If it’s still there, I won’t be going anywhere near it.”
Antoinette’s shivers seemed to subside. “Totally a coincidence,” Caleb said with a nervous chuckle. “No way you understand anything I’m saying.”
The look she sent his way could easily be called reproachful.
The trees here really weren’t like anything he’d ever seen before. They towered over his head, looking more like giant, single ferns than they did like trees. There weren’t any visible roots, they all just shot out of the ground. At the top they branched oddly, feathering into individual strands that were covered with tiny leaves that grew away from the rest of the body of the plant, maximizing the sunlight its green blade could get. It was a relief to see those tiny leaves on the trees though - up until then, between that and the giant ant, he was beginning to worry he’d somehow been shrunk and was walking among giant blades of grass.
As soon as he had the thought, he couldn’t quite shake it, but too many other things were wrong for that to be the case. The dirt was still normal sized, not huge chunks like they would be if he’d shrunk coming over here, and there weren’t any obvious giant landmarks to indicate he was tiny. Still, it was a strange feeling, and he was relieved when he found the stream from earlier. That had to be normal sized. Water wouldn’t flow with that kind of babble if it was shrunk down, not unless it was hundreds of feet wide from his perspective.
The relief was almost immediately quashed when he realized that he didn’t recognize this part of the stream at all. He hadn’t exactly been taking in the scenery, but he still had expected to at least recognize something. Unfortunately, nothing about this part of where he was looked even remotely familiar. He grimaced. “Is this where we were?” he said aloud.
Antoinette trilled, an almost sad sound. It was like she was saying “I have no idea, you think I was paying attention?” Caleb had to laugh at himself. Already he was assigning actual full sentences to Antoinette. “Okay, well, rule one,” Caleb told her. “Head downstream. It will take me to somewhere eventually, and hopefully that somewhere will include someone who has the faintest idea what the hell is going on and how I can get back to the cave.”
Resolution made, he started to walk in that direction. It was a beautiful day here in...wherever this was, and thus far - joy upon joys - he hadn’t seen a single mosquito. As long as he was stuck in this weird dream or psychotic break or whatever was going on, he was going to enjoy it. He did see a few more traditional insects climbing along the fern-trees he’d marveled at before, which was nice. It helped him feel less like he was tiny walking in a giant world. As much as he wanted to, he resisted the urge to peer down for a closer look at them. Right now they were tiny specs climbing along in rows, and if he didn’t look too closely he could tell himself they were just normal ants. The moment he did, he was certain he’d notice things that would mark them of nothing from Earth, and that idea straight up terrified him.
“Yes, that’s right,” he said to the foot-long ant on his shoulder. “The terrifying thought is the insects here might be different. Crap on a stick, I am going insane.”
There was definitely a spring in his step as he walked, but not from how happy he was feeling. It was like every step carried a little bit...extra. It added to the surreal quality of everything. He’d noticed it before when he’d been running down the hill, but now that he was fully aware of how he was moving and a bit less panicked, he could really feel it. “Oh yeah,” he said. “Definitely dreaming.”
And since this is a dream... He reached up and carefully pried Antoinette from his shoulder. She chirruped in confusion. “Don’t worry, girl,” he said, placing her on the ground. “I’ll be right back. I just want to test something.”
Antoinette cocked her head at him, and Caleb grinned. Then, tensing up his legs, he kicked off the ground.
And went sailing through the air. “Oh my God!” he shouted. He’d had a decent high jump before, but this...it took him nearly ten feet into the air. He whooped in excitement and pumped his fist as he reached the apex of his jump. He could see over the fern trees! He could see smoke in the direction he was walking! He could see...he could see a bird.
It wasn’t like any bird he’d ever imagined. It was soaring through the air like a hawk, but its feathers were red and blue, and its face was more like a reptile’s than a bird’s. It looked almost like an archeopteryx, but without the claws on its wings, and with three massive feathers streaming out behind it. It wheeled in the air. It was beautiful.
Then gravity reminded him that, while he could jump high, he wasn’t able to fly. Caleb began to fall. The fall was faster than it should have been, given his leap. It felt like he was falling in normal gravity. Okay, this is it. I fall, and right before I hit the ground, I wake-
The thought was cut off when he slammed into the dirt beneath him. The impact drove the air from his lungs, which was the only thing that spared him from crying out in pain. He tasted blood, and his vision was obscured by black spots. Caleb could only whimper. He collapsed to the ground in a heap. What little of his brain was still working confirmed that he hadn't actually shattered his legs. The rest of it just screamed in pain. This isn’t a dream. That was now painfully clear. Dreams couldn’t possibly hurt this badly.
Antoinette walked up to him and nudged him with her mandibles. When he didn’t respond right away, she climbed onto his chest and began that rumbling trill. Caleb could only wheeze as he tried to catch his breath. Antoinette studied him, and a long tongue raced out of her mouth to lick his forehead. “Thanks,” he managed to grunt, glad she was so much lighter than a cat - otherwise she’d be crushing his chest. “No, really.”
It took him a few more minutes to stand again, and only when he was able to was he certain he hadn’t broken any bones. He took a few deep breaths, feeling an ache across his entire back. “I saw some smoke ahead,” he said to Antoinette, who was clawing at his leg. “I really hope that’s a town, and that they can help. And also that they have painkillers. I’d kill someone for some painkillers.”
Antoinette clacked her mandibles.
“No, I mean, it would have to be someone I didn’t like!”
Antoinette kept clawing his jeans and Caleb shook his head. “Mind walking alongside me for a bit? I need...I need a new back. And legs. Really just a new body. Phew. Give me some time to recover.”
Antoinette stopped clawing and trilled sadly. Again, Caleb was struck with the distinct impression she could understand him. But that doesn’t make sense, he thought. There’s no way she could. It’s just...insane.
“You there!”
The sudden shout nearly made Caleb scream, and he whirled to face the speaker. Antoinette did as well, hissing.
“You need to step away from the Kralant. I don’t want you getting hurt.”
The man was wearing something that looked like a military uniform from the eighteen hundreds, black and red with buttons that pinned up far on the left side of his body. He wore a cap that matched the color of his suit, and he stood with a rigid formality. For all that, he looked like he couldn’t be much older than Caleb.
More interestingly, however, the bird Caleb had seen earlier was perched on his shoulder. “You...want me to move away from Antoinette?” Caleb asked, trying to register what he was seeing.
“You...named it?” the soldier said, sounding incredulous. The bird on his shoulder peered at Antoinette hungrily, and Antoinette clacked her mandibles and hissed. She showed none of the fear she had towards the monstrosity in the cave. The soldier only frowned. “Who are you?”
“Caleb,” Caleb said, narrowing his eyes. “Who are you?”
“I am Ruzo, First Private of the Darkhold Omal. This is Silv.” The bird chirped at its name, although it didn’t take its eyes off Antoinette.
“I’m sorry, you called Antoinette a Kralant and seemed surprised I named her. Is Silv its name, or is it it's species?”
“He,” Ruzo said, stressing the word, “is a Silvtherix. I named him Silv.”
“Wow, very original name there.” Caleb couldn’t help himself. Something about Ruzo’s attitude was rubbing him the wrong way. It was his imperious demeanor, like he owned the place. Who the hell does he think he is?
“Says the boy who named a Kralant Antoinette,” Ruzo said, although he flushed a bit at mockery. “I need you to come with me, Caleb. These woods are forbidden. I thought you’d just gotten lost, but since you’re a Tamer...clearly you’re in violation of the Treaty. Put your hands behind your back.”
“Okay, first of all, working Antoinette’s species into her name is a brilliant pun. I didn’t just chop off part of the name and call it good. Second of all - put my hands behind my back?” Caleb asked. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“First private of the Darkhold Omal,” Ruzo said, repeating his earlier words and with the same drilled in efficiency. “Who do you serve, Caleb?”
“Oh. Uh. Well...I’m with Troop One-Eighteen,” Caleb said, uncertain what else to say. “Boy Scouts, United States of America. And, private, I’m a Life Scout. So, yeah. Shove that up your craphole and spin on it.”
It was pretty clear that Ruzo had no idea what anything else Caleb said meant, but his eyes narrowed at the last sentence. “I don’t know who you serve. But clearly, someone needs to teach you manners.” He swung out his arm. “Silv! Attack!”
With a shriek that put a chill into Caleb’s bones, Silv took to the air.
In response, Antoinette let out a hiss of challenge.
Oh you’ve got to be kidding me, Caleb thought, squaring up.
I’ve definitely gone insane. But the pain in his back reminded him that insanity was much less certain than he’d previously believed. He could be absolutely certain of one thing, however - he had no idea what he was doing.
Silv shrieked as he swooped through the air, diving for Antoinette. Caleb couldn’t help but notice how dangerously curved those talons were, each ending in wicked barbs. It looked like they could tear through flesh like razorblades. “Antoinette, do...something!” Caleb shouted in panic.
As soon as the words left his lips, he felt something. It was almost like a tug on his skin, but it was a strange and alien feeling. Like part of him had been yanked away. Antoinette leapt to the side, snapping her mandibles. Silv passed through the space she had just vacated, his talons clutching only empty air. Confidence flashed through Ruzo’s eyes. “Do something? That’s the best you have? Silv is going to tear your Kralant apart.”
Caleb’s heart started to pound. In the games, the monsters would always faint at the end of fights, then there would be a heroic rush to town and the monster would be cured. Looking at those talons, it was hard to imagine this fight would be that harmless. “Antoinette, do something ranged this time!” Caleb said, frantically going through his pockets. That strange tug happened again, but Caleb ignored it. He needed to help.
A meme he’d seen the other day on his phone flashed through his mind as he frantically patted his pockets, modified for his current situation. “I’ve had Antoinette for only half a day, but if anything happens to her I’d kill everyone in this field and then myself.” Really, Caleb? You’re watching a pair of monsters fighting for their lives and the best you have are memes and vague commands? It’s not like he could do much else. He didn’t really have any kind of weapons on him. A simple Swiss army knife, too small to be used for actually fighting anyone. Not that he had any idea if he could actually bring himself to stab Ruzo. The guy was an ass, but Caleb had never hurt a fly.
Well. Metaphorically speaking. He’d squished plenty of flies in his day.
Besides that, he didn’t have much else. A can of bug spray. Some twine. A granola bar, still in its wrapper. A zippo lighter. A...wait, that’s it. Caleb looked back up to the fight as he pulled four of the items out of his pocket, trying desperately to get his hands shaking at another terrifying scream from Silv.
Silv was circling the fight, staring down at Antoinette with eyes full of fury. Ruzo was watching Caleb with a curious expression, as if he were trying to figure out what kind of stupid thing Caleb was going to do next. Oh, if you had any idea how stupid I was about to be, you’d be...very...uh...shocked? Antoinette was on the ground, watching Silv carefully.
“Now!” Ruzo shouted.
Silv screamed and dove towards Antoinette. The Kralant had never seemed so small before, but she held her ground, her mandibles pointing towards the sky.
Then, the moment Silv got close, Antoinette let loose a spray. It was white and stringy, almost like spider silk. Silv flapped his wings hard, letting a gust of air blow the strands away. Where they touched the dirt they sizzled like acid. Caleb’s eyes widened. “Holy crap, what was that?”
Antoinette trilled happily and rose up on her hind legs, letting loose another barrage of caustic strands. Silv took to the air, getting out of range, and screeched in fury at having its attack interrupted. “You really don’t know?” Ruzo said, his eyes hard. “You’re an absolute moron, aren’t you?”
“Yeah? Well, would a moron be doing this?” Caleb responded. It wasn’t exactly the witty repartee he’d been hoping for. With the distraction the battle had provided him, he’d managed to tie the zippo around the bug spray and held up his prize.
“...it seems one would,” Ruzo said, his forehead creasing. “What the hell is that supposed to be?”
Silv dove down towards Antoinette again, banking to dodge the spray of acidic webbings. In response, Caleb flicked the zippo opened and stepped forward. A small flame sprang to life, and Ruzo’s eyes widened. “What are you doing?” he shouted. Caleb ignored it. He pressed down on the top of the bug spray.
The fine mist met the flame of the zippo and flamed to life. Silv screeched in sudden fear and pulled back, still several yards from reaching Antoinette. Antoinette whipped her head around and gave Caleb a curious chirp. “That’s right!” Caleb shouted, pointed the improvised weapon at Ruzo. “You think you’re going to hurt Antoinette? I will literally set you on fire.”
Ruzo’s eyes were wide, and Silv flew over to his outstretched arm, landing on it like it was a tree branch. The massive bird looked like it shouldn’t be something Ruzo could hold, but his arm never wavered. “You...are an Artificer? I should have known…” he trailed off, studying Caleb up and down.
“Yeah, that’s right. I’m an Artificer,” Caleb said, hoping the term was descriptive enough to be able to fake what he thought it meant. “I just built a flamethrower. Back down, buddy, or I swear to God I’m going to set you up like a cheap firework.”
Of course, it was a total bluff. Ruzo was a good fifteen feet away. The flame from this thing could go a foot, max. If Ruzo called him on it, Caleb would find himself having to reveal the limits of his homemade weapon very, very quickly. And when he did, what would happen? Would Ruzo send that damn bird after Antoinette again? Or would he send Silv straight after Caleb, trying to tear out his eyes?
Oh man. This is really, really looking bad for me.
“I’m surprised, Artificer,” Ruzo said, reaching up to stroke Silv under the beak. The bird leaned into the touch and chirped. “Entering the battle so early? You must have something serious you’re hiding. Something the Darkhold Olam will want to know. Well, if you wish to make this a test of that…” Silv began to crawl up his arm until their heads were butting together. “I’ll be more than happy to oblige.”
“Yo, you’re talking a pretty big game for someone who’s about to get his ass set on fire,” Caleb said, but the brave words couldn’t stop the tremor in his hands. “Why don’t you stop what you’re doing and go away? I don’t want to hurt you.”
Ruzo laughed, a mocking sound, as Silv began to work around to his back. The bird started to wrap wings around Ruzo’s face, and the spots on his wings matched up perfectly with Ruzo’s eyes. “Don’t worry about that, little Artificer. I promise, I’m in absolutely no danger.”
Their forms began to glow. Caleb took a step back, reflexively pressing down on the button for the bug spray. The flame seemed almost dark when compared to the immense light pouring out both soldier and monster as they began to rise into the air. “Antoinette?” Caleb said, shaking so badly he thought he might fall over. “I think I’d like to wake up now.”
Antoinette cooed in a sound that trembled with fear.
The glow vanished. Ruzo was gone. So was Silv. In their place was a single being, one that combined traits of both monster and man. Ruzo’s hair was now the bright feathers of the bird, his hands and feet ended in the wicked talons that the bird had shown in its diving sweeps at Antoinette, and two immense wings jutted from his back. Worst of all were the eyes, however. Ruzo’s normal two human eyes peered out at Caleb, but above those were the exact same eyes that had adorned Silv’s head. “So that is your flame, little man?” Ruzo said, and his voice had an odd quality to it, some kind of echo, like it was being spoken through two mouths. “I thought you Artificers claimed you could match am Tamer’s power. Looks like you’re just another worm.”
“Uh…shit,” Caleb said, looking down at Antoinette. “Do you know how to do that?”
This time there was no imagining it. Antoinette shook her head, and there was real fear in her eyes.
“Yeah, me either.” Caleb dropped to one knee and held out a hand. “Get on.”
Antoinette leaped onto Caleb’s arm and wrapped her legs around as Ruzo took to the air.
“So, Artificer,” Ruzo said, every word laced with mockery. “What will you do now?”
Fortunately, for the first time since he’d arrived here, Caleb knew exactly what to do.
Screaming in fear, Caleb turned and ran away from the four-eyed taloned bird-human hybrid that was rising into the sky. And as he did, the small part of his mind that couldn’t stop from being sarcastic even now couldn’t help but point out that it was totally unfair – none of the games allowed you to do that. Where’s the overly drawn out tutorial when you really need it?
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I don't give anyone permission to post anywhere else... all that good stuff.
For anyone who didn't read at least my first story: the summary... this was years ago. DH and I have been together for over a decade now, we are VLC with her and I'm by default NC with her because she started giving me the silent treatment so I returned the favor. We've been married for a few years and we're very happy and happier for her not being in our lives. I'm not happy that this was the outcome but she dug her own grave and it's not for me to get her out. Truthfully, I wouldn't even know how because she has some serious cuts and scars to mend with me and I won't speak for DH totally, but he's been out of the FOG and refuses to tolerate her crap just to have a relationship.
So from my last little tid bit (see the bot) I explained that things with DH's (BF at the time) family was simply different. They didn't do anything together really and things were just divided for the most part. It was a lame story but it'll all be relevant as time goes on, but that's the summary. Now, his mother truly believes that they are a very close family with this inseparable bond. Over the years she has made so many comments to DH (more than I will ever know) and quite a few passive aggressive comments to me. MIL openly talks about BF being the golden child, BIL is salivating for her attention and to point out all that is wrong with BF. It's just a really unsteady boat.
The more I saw her, the more she judged me but still never got to know me. I'm a downright TERRIBLE person because I had 1 tattoo at the time (now have 3 and planning on #4 this fall/winter). She would go on and on and on about how they're disgusting and only delinquents and sinners get tattoos directly to my face. Props for saying it to my face but what exactly am I suppose to say back without being disrespectful? I really didn't want to make DH's life hell by telling off his mom so it left me in a pickle. She really tried to make me feel like shit. I mean... this one didn't work but still, wtf is your goal by saying this shit?
She would then proceed to cry to me that she didn't want BF to get one and I need to stop influencing him. WTF. How exactly do you respond to that you ask? Well you tell her to fuck off and shove it up her ass. But I didn't. I said something like, "You realize I don't have the same beliefs as you and I'm going to school to get a doctorate, right? A tattoo that you never see (it's on my ribs) just isn't a big deal anymore and I'm far from a delinquent."
But her babbbbyyyyyy might get one and she simply couldn't handle it. Guys... DH has zero desire to get a tattoo. Like none. He doesn't exactly care what I do with tattoos to my body (although I think he would formulate an opinion if I came home with a penis tattooed on my forehead) but he, himself, said he doesn't feel the need to get anything. I doubt that will change. I would bet my paycheck on it - Oh wait... I did but I would happily pay up just to see her reaction now (that's just me being petty). I ended the conversation with something along the lines of "Well you really don't know your son if you think he would get a permanent tattoo on his body just because his GF has one" ....apparently that wasn't the right response. Found out from SIL-W(Now wife of BIL) a few weeks later that she was still crying a river to them that she was just so scared he would make such a poor decision. Like this seriously kept her up at night.
Oh why else was I a bad person at this point in time?
I'm a bad person because I "constantly put down" BF. Well... I'm not really sure how to navigate this one without being painfully honest here so hang with me.... I actually started to point out all the ways she was a shitty mom to him, but she took this to be me putting down BF. Well that backfired and apples didn't fall correctly, clearly. Let me explain: DH didn't know how to use a ratchet set let alone a screwdriver. Laundry was a learning experience. He didn't know how to cook really (FF: he's an amazing cook and his homemade meatballs are out of this world). He ate like 6 foods until I literally took on this persona of a psycho girlfriend who made him try EVERYTHING and his roommates got him to try different spices and wings so now he's less of a 5 year old and has a solid adult-range diet. Stuff where it was just like.... why is he a grown adult and doesn't know this? She would make comments about BF like I was his mother as well and expect me to "fix" the issue...so I only found it fair to point out every way she sucked or encouraged him to formulate these bad habits that she now has a problem with. It's not my job to fix shit. I'm not in a relationship to "fix him" (but yes, I would like to eat more than pizza, pancakes, chicken nuggets and french fries so I did push that one for my sanity, not his). So she spun it where I talked bad about him when in reality I was judging her parenting because I was starting to landslide. Not the best approach. For anyone reading who is currently dealing with this type of shit: don't be passive aggressive. It's not worth the fucking time and energy. Just call her out or move on to laugh about it.
I'm also a bad person because I would defend DH - apparently that wasn't okay either. So back to that crap where she would complain to me about BF and then expect me to fix things... One summer when the Olympics were on and BF is really into them while subsequently losing weight and getting healthy. He spent weeks in his room watching them while on a stationary bike or elliptical or whatever which wasn't far from the norm past his workout obsession... as I've said, they don't do anything together. Well, MIL all of a sudden wanted a closer family (probably to remove my "influence" from him) and seriously complained to me about him being antisocial and asked if he's acts this way when he's away at college. All I can say is... I didn't appreciate her bashing him when this is the atmosphere she created. So, I stuck up for him. "Oh that's so funny because he's really social at college. Although it doesn't seem like he's doing anything different than any other summer home. You guys have never done anything as a family so I'm not sure why you think that's changed" Wrong. Answer.
I'm also a bad person because she didn't like that I drank and I was forcing her perfect son to drink at college. Yes - you read that correctly. She flat out blamed me for him drinking and it never crossed her mind that he chose to drink, I didn't have some magical vagina that made him fall under a spell to get fucked up. New flash bitch: he tried alcohol in high school well before he met me, but yup I'm the influence holding his mouth open to pour fireball and vodka down it.... but I couldn't say that. So I took the hit for being "that girl" again over the years.
So overall.... She kept throwing digs about me or DH and I answered them in the mildest form possible which ended up being passive aggressive, while trying to not be completely steam rolled, but it was a waste because she just treated me like shit anyway. Sometimes I threw a dig back and sometimes I brushed it off. Overall, she was just buying her time waiting for us to break up... Yup... she's still waiting. SIL told me that MIL made a ton of comments on how I'm so disrespectful and it pissed me off. So you can say whatever you want to me including openly dissing me but I'm suppose to what? Kiss your ass? Say thank you? So.... I was very aware of how she felt about me and what she says even though DH didn't directly tell me, it's not fucking rocket science here.
Side note: MIL has like.... one friend. She calls BIL and he's her sounding board for everything. Frankly, I find it really unhealthy for you to be treating your child like your therapist... just like... go to a therapist. So how things work in this family is something happens (or basically nothing) she runs to BIL and spins the entire thing to her fancy, BIL tells SIL, SIL comes running to me to get our side while BIL makes backhanded comments to DH about how he needs to be better with MIL or whatever. Both MIL and BIL operate by guilt tripping and it's just fucking annoying. It worked on DH for a few years and then it was like a switch flipped and it's yet to work again. I will say, I shut this little drama train down a few years ago and it's much nicer. Once in a while I get pissed enough to engage but it's rare. Now I just let everything go to shit, let BIL think what he wants while making ridiculous assumptions and him and MIL are little butt buddies who talk shit but have no guts to actually say it or own up to their part.. fun, right?!
So to the story of how she once again used her religious crap on me to really show that she's just a Holy Hypocrite. Welcome to her name everyone, I have a winner of a MIL.
SIL (little sister) decided she was going to go to prom with her friends and she was really excited. I truly don't know 100% if I offered or she asked me... but I'm pretty sure I offered... to do her hair and makeup. I think I offered because I was home from college so only about 2 hours away (versus 5), she was talking to me at that time for whatever reason, I worked it out with DH where he was coming home and we would drive back to college together, and if she was going to ask someone I would think she would've asked her other SIL-W (BILs wife) since they were closer; I imagine I offered. I also did SILs hair a few other times we were together - nothing fancy just some french braid based that I can do in my sleep so it's not like this would be completely out of the blue.
HH doesn't wear a lick of makeup and does nothing with her hair so that option was out, obviously. If SIL wanted to look good she had to look elsewhere. Like many of the ladies know hair and makeup is wicked expensive and I happen to be really good at both, at least for prom quality so SIL took me up on the offer.
I had her send me pictures of her dress, some different hair styles that I thought might look good on he the dress and she seemed really excited. MIL texts me and wants to "confirm" if I was really willing to put myself out to do her hair and makeup because she didn't want her daughter to get her hopes up but also wanted to see if I was charging her so she could set aside the money because this type of thing is an arm and a leg and she's a single mother. I was kind of pissed about this. She really thinks so low of me that I would be texting her daughter, in writing, that I was committing to doing all of this, and at no charge (none the less) but would just bail and ruin her one and only prom? Especially over.. what... $100? Wow. Cool. I specifically told her that I would do it for free, I was just happy to be able to make her prom everything she hoped - it was never about money. I mean really? Why would I spend all that money on traveling down to slave over her hair and makeup for $100 or whatever versus sitting at home watching HIMYM? I made it clear and it was obvious I was thrilled to be able to do something, anything for SIL to be happy - It's not about you HH.
Next Text: She says something along the lines of really underestimating me and my intentions prior and she would like to have a private conversation with me one on one to apologize for not being Christian like towards me when I come to do her hair and makeup.
GUYS, I FINALLY DID IT. IT TOOK 4.5 YEARS BUT SHE'S REALIZING I'M NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON. I'm like... fucking thrilled. I'm sitting here thinking we will finally be on the same page. She can accept me as a person rather than a walking sinner... holy shit maybe BF won't have this unknown future. Well... you read the title so you know I was naive and should've never agreed to a one-on-one talk.
So I do SILs hair and makeup... she looks... amazing. She started to tear up and said she actually looks pretty (SIL has some self confidence issues and the lack of ability to do her hair and makeup at that point in time was a big trigger IMO). My heart is ripping into two and I'm so thankful I chose to be apart of this and made a difference in her experience. (FF: her hair and makeup was the only one to make it through the night let alone into the next day so basically a "brush your shoulders off" moment for me.) HH is ecstatic that she's on cloud 9... all is right in the world. They leave to all go take pictures with friends and HH comes back.
HH signals me into the living room to have our little talk. It starts off really nice. She's telling me the Bible says XYZ and she clearly hasn't been living up to those standards in regards to me so she really wants to move forward. We talked for probably a good 30 minutes getting to know each other more and she's telling me funny stories about how BF was as a child. I'm getting all the warm and fuzzies. This is what I'm good at. I'm good at being open, no bullshit, and just finding happiness - this felt so natural and raw. Well all good things come to a fucking end.
She brings up BFs religious beliefs and she's afraid that he's pulling away from God and it's only happened because of me coming into his life. She keeps pressuring me. She brings it up again and again and again. Yes, he went off to college and became his own person... during that time he also met me. It's a pretty logical coincidence that freedom allowed him to formulate his own opinions and of of those opinions was he wanted to date me. Shocker, I know. HOW could this all happen - at once?! Nope. I'm to blame. Me and my magical vagina.
What she doesn't know and BF has never talked with her about is - he doesn't actually believe in her religion let alone her views. He openly says (to me) there were many parts of Church growing up but at the end of the day he isn't committed like she is and he doesn't plan to be. He knows she will be disappointment and he doesn't want to after being the perfect child for so long. He just doesn't feel it in his soul. He struggles with a lot of his mother's specific views and I think it left a really bad taste in his mouth overall.
I keep throwing it off saying "While I understand you feel that way this is a conversation you should have with your son, this isn't the conversation to have with me" "BF has his own views that are his to tell, I'm not going to speak for him" "It sounds like this matters a lot to you, but that's not for me to answer. You need to have this conversation with him."
After about the tenth time, I caved. I said something like "Well BF has his own reservations and he makes his own decisions. He has chosen not to go to church at college, that has nothing to do with me. He would rather watch football every Sunday and he has never once asked me to go yet I've offered half a dozen times. So maybe you need to accept that BF isn't the same person as when he left for college because that's who he is choosing to be irregardless of me."
She just about loses it and dives into every single other little time she has been disappointed in BF and how she knows it's my doing.
One example: BF got drunk at a Halloween party and accidentally sent the snap to his sister where he was clearly drunk... wouldn't you know it, that's my fault!!!! Ha. In reality: I was at work and met up with him and his roommates when he was already gone. I had nothing to do with it. But here we are again, her blaming me for him drinking alcohol like... three times a year... okay.
She finally says word for word "I pray every day that something happens to you so you can no longer be with BF" as she looked up to the sky with her hands physically praying.
Just to recap: In a conversation that she asked for to apologize to me for not being "Christian-like" towards me... she wishes I would die.
Holy. Hypocrite.
Well... that's the last time we were alone in a room together and that was over 5 years ago.
​
Also: I keep "flairing" No Advice Wanted because it was like... 5 years ago... but feel free to spill some tea ladies and gents.

Before the pandemic I was a regular poker room patron at MGM National Harbor. They shut down for months but just recently reopened, and more recently opened their poker room back up to the general public.
Now before the pandemic, MGM National Harbor was always packed pretty much 24/7. It’s one of their newer properties and definitely the nicest casino in the DMV area (only other options locally are shitty and older Maryland LIVE and some places in West Virginia you don’t want to go to).
I arrived there last night at 9 PM, which normally would be prime time. Definitely not hoppin’ like it used to be. High roller table games were mostly empty. The slots were operating at maybe 50% max capacity because every other one was turned off to allow distance between the players, but it was very noticeable that even with the reduced number operating most were not being used.
They installed hand washing stations throughout the property around all the games but honestly I barely saw anyone using them which was not good. Face masks are mandatory, but they make you pull down your mask when you enter the casino area and take a picture of your face. All dealers for table games and poker wear plastic face shields. There are plexiglass dividers between dealers and players on most table games, but the side effect of that is definitely less players per table than normal. Spectators are no longer allowed to hang around, you’re only allowed to be at the table if you’re playing. The lack of spectators will have a dampening effect on the enthusiasm of players at certain table games. In fact, the whole energy of the casino was low. Imagine playing craps with no spectators.
Didn’t seem like they could be selling as much alcohol, the lobby and casino bars had earlier closing hours and at 9 PM on a Saturday I was able to walk up to any of the open bars and get a drink immediately, no long lines like the good old days.
The only section of the casino that was more active than usual was the race book which was odd because usually that’s only at half capacity at best when I’ve been in the past.
As for my poker experience, it was interesting. They removed about 25% of the tables they used to have on the floor to allow for distancing, and it’s now maximum 7 players to a table instead of 9. You do the math, they are definitely not making nearly as much off the poker room as they used to be able to. Plus, with 7 players instead of 9 and the lengthy swap out process for players who get knocked out (an attendant has to come and sanitize the seat for you and it took a long time) there were more hands than usual that were played with a reduced rake because there were less than 5 players active.
On top of that, because of the reduced seat capacity the wait list for the 1-3 tables (the most popular) took hella long and people were giving up on the wait and leaving. Also it was very apparent that the higher blind tables were much less in demand, they barely had any waits and that would be unheard of pre-pandemic. That means that the poker players showing up there intend to put less money on the table now.
The poker playing experience is still good if it’s what you like, I was able to enjoy myself despite all the plexiglass alienation. However I don’t know how long they can run this poker room without a COVID-19 case eventually being traced to it, because despite all the effort of distancing and sanitization, they still don’t have a good solution for keeping the chips themselves clean. Unless you neurotically sanitize your hands every time you rake chips, which I guess you could but most people weren’t/won’t, you’re at risk. I played for at least three hours and never saw any type of sanitation of the chips. The only solution I can think for this would be if you had contactless betting where you are separated from your stack, you verbalize your bets and the dealer moves everybody’s chips for them. That would be a big hassle for the dealer and I don’t think players would like it at all but I don’t know how else you could otherwise reduce that risk.
TL;DR - I have no MGM position and don’t intend to open one but I think there’s going to be a rude awakening when ER comes around because people have been piling back into MGM like everything is back to normal. Just because MGM has reopened its properties does not mean it’s anything like it was before. They are operating with many handicaps that will make it literally impossible to achieve anything near pre-pandemic earnings, and this is not going to change any time soon. I also think it’s highly likely they will run into trouble when a COVID-19 case is officially traced to their properties from a gamer that handled chips.

Author's note: Morning, y'all! Time for another exciting episode of your not-so-friendly not-from-this-neighborhood Shooter-Man!
Hrmmm, that certainly wasn't a great development... Hopefully everything will be fine from now on. That seems probable, right?
...
Fine. I'm sure everything will be just... fine. O;-)
As ever, commentary and corrections welcome. Thanks for reading! :-D
Second Author's note: A number of folks have asked, and at the gentle prodding of Laddimor, I have set up a Liberapay account. Should anyone be so inclined, y'all can buy Fess a beer. ;-)
Please don't feel any kind of obligation. I'm doing this for fun, I'll keep going even if no one donates, and seriously, while I've been bitching about my life of late, even my experience with homelessness is completely on Easy Mode. I'm currently at my father's place, I'm sleeping in a bed, and I'm eating regularly. I mentioned it before primarily because of the psychological effect it's had. I've always had a roof that was mine before, y'know?
And with that… on with the story!
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Gods, I am so not cut out for this black ops crap. How did I end up here again? Oh, right, elven sorcerer. I mean, I guess I did get to kick him in the chest, but still. I'd much rather be at home, wrenching on cars.
And yet, here I am, huddled down under a bed of stupid leaves and branches, watching the stupid road for Andy and Friday and our stupid pack of moose, so we can go back and get ready for a ridiculously uneven stupid fight. I hate my stupid life. But not as much as I hate the stupid trolls.
Okay, I might be a little cranky. I'm also frankly a little concerned about how rapidly I've gotten used to just killing people who piss me off. That's not healthy, I suspect.
I wonder what my therapist would say. I think we're way past anger management classes or anything like that. Maybe I can find one who deals with veterans with PTSD.
Oh, shit. I'm fighting alongside a telepathic dinosaur. Does that make me the veteran of a psychic war?
Well, whatever. I have to survive this first. I can get all bent out of shape over it later, if there is one.
Marvelous. There's the group of trolls we saw the other day, finally staggering home. I hope Friday and Andy kept their head coverings on. At least they're just keeping on marching. I really don't want to have to kill anyone else right now. It's not my preferred mode of interaction at all. But what am I supposed to do, if I want to speak of peace and understanding and they only understand the language of the sword?
Fuck me running. That's them. Still masked, at least, but I can't exactly go get their attention while the trolls are right there. I should have found somewhere further away to keep watch. But damn I was tired.
I got up, shook off the leaves, and started making my way through the trees towards where Andy and Friday would end up eventually.
And then I heard shouting. Apparently, today is not the day I don't have to kill anyone.
I walked out of the treeline, and had an idea. I dunno if it's a good idea, but it's very definitely an idea.
"HEY ASSHOLES!!!" I yelled out, raising my hammer.
A couple of the trolls trying to pick a fight with my companions turned and saw me, and screamed in terror. Well, I'd definitely gotten their attention.
They weren't more than a hundred and fifty yards away, so I started running towards them, screaming vicious imprecations about their ancestry, mating habits, and grooming. They broke, hard, and ran away as fast as their stubby little legs could carry them. Which, even as bad at running as I am, wasn't actually all that fast, but I didn't really want to catch up, either.
I thudded to a stop in front of the crew, panting, and Natasha came up and pushed her head against me. Heh.
"Y'know, I didn't actually think that would work."
Friday gave me a look, and replied, "Well, I guess we found you."
"One demon, at your service. C'mon, let's get the fuck out of Dodge. I'd prefer to not have to face trolls who don't know enough to be afraid of me yet, if it can be avoided."
I mounted up and we kicked it into high gear.
"What are you singing? The words don't make any sense. Wounds are all you're made of?"
"Ah, don't worry about it. It's just something I thought of earlier. It's probably not going to make any sense even if I try to explain it. Mostly, I just want to go home. But I don't know if it would actually help."
"Ah. War wounds, but inside your head. Like after you killed the king."
Ok, so maybe not all the elves were as dumb as I thought.
"That… is actually pretty close, yeah."
"I'm sorry, for whatever it's worth."
"Thanks, Friday. I'm sorry too. I've kind of turned your whole world upside down."
"We brought it on ourselves. But the warning about the summoning makes a lot more sense, now. 'Demons bring the change you need, not the change you want.' You have certainly brought us change. And given what the king knew about the trolls, it's probably is the change we needed."
I wasn't at all sure if I was comfortable with that.
"Ok. So, I counted sixteen barracks like the one we saw when we first entered the city. What did you guys see?"
Friday conferred with Andy, before replying with "We both also counted sixteen along the spinward and starboard walls. Do you think they really have so many soldiers?"
"I think that we'd be fools to plan for anything else."
"How can we possibly fight so many of them?"
"Well, like I told Sisme, my people have a lot of practice at death. The question isn't whether we can fight them, the question is whether any of them will survive at all."
We decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and went back to the night travel schedule. Which meant I was completely exhausted by the time we finally stopped to get some sleep. I was getting too old for this shit. They let me take the last watch, at least.
The nights of travel passed uneventfully, and we started riding during the day again once we had left troll territory. Eight days after I had gone over the walls, we rode back into the elven city.
After dropping the herd off at the stables, I met with The Council, as I was starting to think of them. Sisme, Oz, Khaavren, Friday, Andy, and Anneke. Not that Anneke had a lot of useful input about warfighting, but Sisme liked her a lot, so they had evidently been spending time together while we were out scouting. Gennie was attending, uh, "virtually", by listening in on my thoughts, and Anneke's.
Envoys to the neighboring elven cities had gone out and come back. I should have thought of it before, but Sisme had come up with a great idea. She made sure that the envoys had very "sloppily" divulged the reason for their mission around the taverns of the places they had visited, in addition to their official meetings with the various aristocrats. So even if the locals were running the same sort of scam there as the dead king here, publicly it was known that Sisme had a demon and a dragon on her side, and we'd actually won our battle against the trolls.
So their subjects were all very enthusiastic about the possibility of ending the threat of being "eaten" by trolls. Fucking brilliant, honestly. And as a result, we had pledges of whatever troops were available. Mostly because the troops themselves were going to show up whether their leadership wanted them to or not. So they all got out front of the parade, as it were, trying to look like they were still in charge. I loved it. Glorious hack.
Six other elven cities would put us at around 2,400 full time troops, with about 11,000 reserves, and if we really squeezed every last man-jack of militia years, another 25,000 folks who knew what to do with a bow. I was aiming to expect upwards of 125,000 troll soldiers on the other side, with a completely unknown number of irregulars they might be able to field. Our best bet seemed like it would be to do some serious maneuver warfare, blitzkrieg style, and keep hitting them from directions they weren't expecting. But we couldn't just round up all of our forces and throw them into the troll kingdom lands, because we also had to worry about them finding our lands undefended. So realistically, I could only drag about half of the reserve and militia troops into the field. I was taking all of the pros, though.
One mistake we'd made here was not having allied commanders at this meeting. I wanted to lay out the plan and give them more time to prepare. But we'd just have to make do with sending the envoys back out again, probably with some local military advisers to convey the message in terms the elves could grasp.
Still, it seemed like we had something resembling a plan. I could practically hear the gods laughing from here.
Breaking out my trusty supply of parchment, I started sketching anti-seige weapons that I thought the elves could manage to construct. I wanted to get all the different elf cities working on them while I was back on Earth gearing up and hopefully collecting a few allies. If we went out to take out trolls, and they managed to slip a warband past us, I wanted the cities to have more than bows and pikes to fend them off. It was going to be a relatively heavy capital investment, but it would carry the advantage of being very unexpected, and giving the cities defenses against any other incursions down the road.
I really wished there was some easy way to learn their language, because it was annoying having to use either Friday or Oz as a translator while I tried to explain the concept of a trebuchet to the Master of the Woodworkers Guild and the Master Smith. Eventually I managed to get across the idea in a manner that they thought they could build mostly out of wood and stone, with just a few metal parts. We'd probably be using rocks for ammunition, although I wouldn't mind if I could manage to come up with some sort of napalm analogue.
If I couldn't get some BRRRT, I'd settle for flaming death from above. I was sure the trolls would enjoy it too.
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