[Time Stamps] Recently started to use them in late 2019. They may not be exact based on what podcast app or service you use. But they'll be close. In 2020 I've started to use Google Podcasts for the time stamps, and they'll be labeled if used.
When a new entry is added because Stugotz said something, I go back and edit it into this post. If you have any I missed - message me.
I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS:

FOOTBALL

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book.
Note (2)(a): Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags.
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a Super Bowl 52 ring.
Note (4)(a): Foles does not have a Super Bowl 52 ring.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), and then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36.
Note (5)(a): In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens Super Bowl) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city of New Orleans.
Note (14)(a): There was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but it ended up at three.
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings.
Note(15)(a): Dan also has this in his record book, and it is the first entry into the Le Batard Personal Record Book.
Note 15(b): In fact, McCarthy has -3 (Negative three) rings.
(16) Any Super Bowl rings Antonio Brown gets with the Patriots will not count in the Stugotz personal record book (9/9 Weekend Observations National Hour 2).
(17) Ohio State's 76 to 5 victory over Miami (Ohio) on 9/21/19 does not count.

BASKETBALL

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) "STRAP IT ON BOYS, GONNA TAKE YA FOR A RIDE:"
Kevin Durant has 0 rings (Zero rings)
Kevin Durant has -1 rings (Negative 1 rings).
Kevin Durant has -4 rings (Negative 4) (As of 4/11/18)
Note (2)(a): This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering rings to the "-4" current total. Specifically as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from (i) 0 rings to (ii) -1 rings to (iii) -4 rings.
Note (2)(b): Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered.
Archive link
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings.
Note (3)(a): As seen above in "(2)," Kevin Durant has -4 rings.
Note (3)(b): [Math] If Durant were to remain at -4 rings, and subsequently win an NBA title for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This was specifically stated (-4 + 11 = 7), and a question about a non-specifically stated Personal Record Book entry is posed below in "Note (3)(c)(i)."
Note (3)(c): If the Golden State Warriors had won a championship playing 3 on 5 with Kevin Durant, Kevin Durant would have 1 ring.
Note (3)(c)(i): [Confusion] I am unsure if "Note(3)(c)" means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be "up" to -3 rings total. Possibly, Stugotz means if the Golden State Warriors had won a championship 3 on 5 with Durant, Kevin Durant would be at +1 rings total (Positive 1 rings).
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz, none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors so far is not in Stugotz' personal record scroll.
Note (5)(a): Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves).
(6) Westbrook has ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
(8) Per Dan, speaking on Stugotz' behalf, Kevin Durant has no Olympic Gold Medals (9/18/19 National Hour 1 @ 00:07:50).
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings because:
(a) The Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan (+2); and
(b) The Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire (+1; 9 total).
Note (1)(a-b)(i): Put LeBron's rings in a box and put Jordan's rings in a box. Jordan is +6 by the way over LeBron box-minus, despite box-minus sounding like a dumb stat.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast).
Note 2(a): HOWEVER, MJ still has 9 rings as see above in (1)(a) and (1)(b).
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the Golden State Warriors, every Championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs:
(a) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do; and
(b) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do; and
(c) LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, THEN
LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book.
Note (4)(a-c)(i): HOWEVER, Harden & Chris Paul - if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team - are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book.
Note 4(a-c)(ii): To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18), then that wins counts for 6 rings.
Note (5)(a): Thus LeBron would have 9 rings.
Kyrie Irving
(1) Kyrie Irving hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals History, but was only in that position because of LeBron James. Kyrie Irving, did hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals history that won everyone on that team a Ring, except for you (Kyrie). (3/9/20 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 07:00).
Note (1)(a): Stugotz: "A little revision to the uhhh Stugotz Personal Record Book that I'll come around to writing...or Mike will." I'M WRITING IT YOU IDIOT MORON JACKAL
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (Zero) NBA Championship victories.
Note (1)(a): See "Michael Jordan (1)(a)" for reasoning.
Note (1)(a)(i): [Restated Reasoning] Michael Jordan is actually in possession of those 1994 and 1995 Rockets rings because Michael Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed in Chicago.
Note(1)(b): [CONFLICTING HOT TAKE] Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling.
Note (1)(b)(i) NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE. Stugotz keeps going back and forth. In "Michael Jordan Note 1(a)," the opposite of "Miscellaneous Basketball Note (1)(b) is stated because he has gone back and forth on this issue.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships.
Note (6)(a): If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made a Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has 4 rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring
Note (11)(a): Durant still has -4.
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1).
Note (13)(a): The Thunder blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1.
Note (14)(a): This does not apply to Durant though.
Note (14)(b): The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.

BASEBALL

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher.
Note (4)(a): However This is somewhat confusing/interesting because:
(i) Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin; and"
(ii) This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin; because
(iii) The only way this can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter top #1 through #20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M).
Note (1)(a): Excludes Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani.
Note (1)(b): You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with a beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series.
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Red Sox.
Note (6)(a): This "pains" Stugotz.
(7) The Red Sox retroactively winning the 1986 World Series may result in taking a ring away from the Mets.
Note (7)(a): Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00.
(10) Mike Minor (Rangers Pitcher) does not have 200 strikeouts in 2019. He's at 199 (National Hour 2, 10 mins 40 seconds in).
Note (10)(a): Chris agrees too. And who really cares (15% on poll do care).
(11) The 2020-2021 Mets, during the Coronavirus outbreak, are 0-3 and Jacob deGrom is somehow 0-1 with a 0.00 ERA and 1 complete game. The deGrominator. (Google Podcast 3/30 Hour #3 @ 19:20)

HOCKEY

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights.
Note (2)(a): "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

TENNIS

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

GOLF

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

SOCCER

(1) Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."
(2) Soccer is dead.

MISCELLANEOUS

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great, and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool.
Note (4)(a): "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the Horse) only has a double crown.
Note (5)(a): This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie Hall of Fame. and Cliffhanger has the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a Horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
(8) Fruit Stripes Gum is NOT a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer in Stu's "Gum Hall of Fame." (08/12/2019 | Hour 2 @ 15:25).
Note (8)(a): "It loses it's flavor so quickly"
Note (8)(b): Also, "[...] Bazooka...1st Ballot Hall of Famer." Also, "Big League Chew..1st Ballot."
(9) Chris Cote owns all intellectual property rights to the "Friends" (TV Show) Movie with a misleading preview that eventually has a climax leading to an intense murder mystery. (10/29/19 Hour #2 @ 03:15).
Note (9)(a): "If they make this without crediting Cote, they're stealing it."
(10) That guy killed the pigeon (12/10 Hour 3 @ 08:20).
(11) Billy owns the record for world's longest Plank (2/25, Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 30:55).
Note (11)(a): Possibly in just the Non-Marine edition.
(12) Zach Buchanan won a Pulitzer Prize for his story on the Madison Bumgarner / Mason Saunders rodeo fiasco (2/28/20 Hour #2; Google Podcasts @ 21:35).
(13) Findlay the Golden retriever holds the Stu Gotz Personal Record Book record for most tennis balls held in a mouth at one time by a dog at 6 (2/11/2020)
(14) Ace Davis (The kid who "proved" Tom Brady was cheating with science) and his fathefamily are heroes (4/1 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 18:50).
(15) Dan did NOT do more push-ups than Domonique Foxworth (Dan did push-ups on a non-linear platform) (4/28/2020 Hour # 1).

SPORTS MEDIA DREAM TEAM™

Sourced from Google Podcast; 05/06/2020, Hour 2 @ 09:00
(Head Coach) Ernie Johnson - "When you look over to the bench, what you need is someone to stand tall, someone who is confident, someone who is competent, someone who has all the credibility -soaked in credibility - when you have the Head Coach of the Sports Media Dream Team."
(1; Point Guard) Mike Greenberg - "Doesn't really want to answer the big questions, but has no problem distributing those questions to other people who are happy to answer them."
(2; Shooting Guard) Stephen A. Smith - "Never met a topic he doesn't like. Short memory, doesn't care, Greeny could throw him anything and Stephen A. is gonna run with it even if he knows nothing about the topic. That is how it works. Stephen A. is the greatest of all time."
(3; Small Forward) Chris Fowler - "A do it all guy. Studio show? Great. Play by Play? Even better. Can do everything."
(4; Small Forward Replacement) Maria Taylor) - "Need Play by Play, need Sideline, need Studio Host - she can do it all"
(5; Power Forward) Dianna Russini - "You need some crazy, some don't mess with us, someone to tear someone's head off in the event that they come after one of us."
(6; Power Forward Replacement) PFT Commenter - "He just comes in and acts crazy, throws his arms and hair around, and give ya 5 to 10 really crazy minutes."
(7; In honor of the Chicago Bulls, Stugotz needed a Wennington, a Purdue) Scott Van Pelt - Dan debated whether or not SVP should be on the Sports Media Dream Team™. That's what he's doing.
(8; Bench Player w/ No Position Specified) Doris Burke
(9) Teased.../I didn't finish listening to the show yet

[Time Stamps] Recently started to use them in late 2019. They may not be exact based on what podcast app or service you use. But they'll be close. In 2020 I've started to use Google Podcasts for the time stamps, and they'll be labeled if used.
When a new entry is added because Stugotz said something, I go back and edit it into this post. If you have any I missed - message me.
I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS:

FOOTBALL

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book.
Note (2)(a): Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags.
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a Super Bowl 52 ring.
Note (4)(a): Foles does not have a Super Bowl 52 ring.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), and then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36.
Note (5)(a): In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens Super Bowl) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city of New Orleans.
Note (14)(a): There was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but it ended up at three.
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings.
Note(15)(a): Dan also has this in his record book, and it is the first entry into the Le Batard Personal Record Book.
Note 15(b): In fact, McCarthy has -3 (Negative three) rings.
(16) Any Super Bowl rings Antonio Brown gets with the Patriots will not count in the Stugotz personal record book (9/9 Weekend Observations National Hour 2).
(17) Ohio State's 76 to 5 victory over Miami (Ohio) on 9/21/19 does not count.

BASKETBALL

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) "STRAP IT ON BOYS, GONNA TAKE YA FOR A RIDE:"
Kevin Durant has 0 rings (Zero rings)
Kevin Durant has -1 rings (Negative 1 rings).
Kevin Durant has -4 rings (Negative 4) (As of 4/11/18)
Note (2)(a): This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering rings to the "-4" current total. Specifically as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from (i) 0 rings to (ii) -1 rings to (iii) -4 rings.
Note (2)(b): Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered.
Archive link
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings.
Note (3)(a): As seen above in "(2)," Kevin Durant has -4 rings.
Note (3)(b): [Math] If Durant were to remain at -4 rings, and subsequently win an NBA title for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This was specifically stated (-4 + 11 = 7), and a question about a non-specifically stated Personal Record Book entry is posed below in "Note (3)(c)(i)."
Note (3)(c): If the Golden State Warriors had won a championship playing 3 on 5 with Kevin Durant, Kevin Durant would have 1 ring.
Note (3)(c)(i): [Confusion] I am unsure if "Note(3)(c)" means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be "up" to -3 rings total. Possibly, Stugotz means if the Golden State Warriors had won a championship 3 on 5 with Durant, Kevin Durant would be at +1 rings total (Positive 1 rings).
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz, none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors so far is not in Stugotz' personal record scroll.
Note (5)(a): Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves).
(6) Westbrook has ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
(8) Per Dan, speaking on Stugotz' behalf, Kevin Durant has no Olympic Gold Medals (9/18/19 National Hour 1 @ 00:07:50).
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings because:
(a) The Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan (+2); and
(b) The Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire (+1; 9 total).
Note (1)(a-b)(i): Put LeBron's rings in a box and put Jordan's rings in a box. Jordan is +6 by the way over LeBron box-minus, despite box-minus sounding like a dumb stat.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast).
Note 2(a): HOWEVER, MJ still has 9 rings as see above in (1)(a) and (1)(b).
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the Golden State Warriors, every Championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs:
(a) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do; and
(b) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do; and
(c) LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, THEN
LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book.
Note (4)(a-c)(i): HOWEVER, Harden & Chris Paul - if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team - are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book.
Note 4(a-c)(ii): To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18), then that wins counts for 6 rings.
Note (5)(a): Thus LeBron would have 9 rings.
Kyrie Irving
(1) Kyrie Irving hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals History, but was only in that position because of LeBron James. Kyrie Irving, did hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals history that won everyone on that team a Ring, except for you (Kyrie). (3/9/20 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 07:00).
Note (1)(a): Stugotz: "A little revision to the uhhh Stugotz Personal Record Book that I'll come around to writing...or Mike will." I'M WRITING IT YOU IDIOT MORON JACKAL
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (Zero) NBA Championship victories.
Note (1)(a): See "Michael Jordan (1)(a)" for reasoning.
Note (1)(a)(i): [Restated Reasoning] Michael Jordan is actually in possession of those 1994 and 1995 Rockets rings because Michael Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed in Chicago.
Note(1)(b): [CONFLICTING HOT TAKE] Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling.
Note (1)(b)(i) NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE. Stugotz keeps going back and forth. In "Michael Jordan Note 1(a)," the opposite of "Miscellaneous Basketball Note (1)(b) is stated because he has gone back and forth on this issue.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships.
Note (6)(a): If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made a Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has 4 rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring
Note (11)(a): Durant still has -4.
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1).
Note (13)(a): The Thunder blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1.
Note (14)(a): This does not apply to Durant though.
Note (14)(b): The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.
(15) Whoever wins the 2019-2020 NBA Season Championship (Coronavirus year), did not win a Championship (5/14/2020; Google Podcast, Hour #1 @ 03:15)

BASEBALL

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher.
Note (4)(a): However This is somewhat confusing/interesting because:
(i) Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin; and"
(ii) This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin; because
(iii) The only way this can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter top #1 through #20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M).
Note (1)(a): Excludes Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani.
Note (1)(b): You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with a beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series.
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Red Sox.
Note (6)(a): This "pains" Stugotz.
(7) The Red Sox retroactively winning the 1986 World Series may result in taking a ring away from the Mets.
Note (7)(a): Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00.
(10) Mike Minor (Rangers Pitcher) does not have 200 strikeouts in 2019. He's at 199 (National Hour 2, 10 mins 40 seconds in).
Note (10)(a): Chris agrees too. And who really cares (15% on poll do care).
(11) The 2020-2021 Mets, during the Coronavirus outbreak, are 0-3 and Jacob deGrom is somehow 0-1 with a 0.00 ERA and 1 complete game. The deGrominator. (Google Podcast 3/30 Hour #3 @ 19:20)

HOCKEY

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights.
Note (2)(a): "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

TENNIS

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

GOLF

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

SOCCER

(1) Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."
(2) Soccer is dead.

MISCELLANEOUS

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great, and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool.
Note (4)(a): "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the Horse) only has a double crown.
Note (5)(a): This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie Hall of Fame. and Cliffhanger has the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a Horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
(8) Fruit Stripes Gum is NOT a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer in Stu's "Gum Hall of Fame." (08/12/2019 | Hour 2 @ 15:25).
Note (8)(a): "It loses it's flavor so quickly"
Note (8)(b): Also, "[...] Bazooka...1st Ballot Hall of Famer." Also, "Big League Chew..1st Ballot."
(9) Chris Cote owns all intellectual property rights to the "Friends" (TV Show) Movie with a misleading preview that eventually has a climax leading to an intense murder mystery. (10/29/19 Hour #2 @ 03:15).
Note (9)(a): "If they make this without crediting Cote, they're stealing it."
(10) That guy killed the pigeon (12/10 Hour 3 @ 08:20).
(11) Billy owns the record for world's longest Plank (2/25, Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 30:55).
Note (11)(a): Possibly in just the Non-Marine edition.
(12) Zach Buchanan won a Pulitzer Prize for his story on the Madison Bumgarner / Mason Saunders rodeo fiasco (2/28/20 Hour #2; Google Podcasts @ 21:35).
(13) Findlay the Golden retriever holds the Stu Gotz Personal Record Book record for most tennis balls held in a mouth at one time by a dog at 6 (2/11/2020)
(14) Ace Davis (The kid who "proved" Tom Brady was cheating with science) and his fathefamily are heroes (4/1 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 18:50).
(15) Dan did NOT do more push-ups than Domonique Foxworth (Dan did push-ups on a non-linear platform) (4/28/2020 Hour # 1).

SPORTS MEDIA DREAM TEAM™

Sourced from Google Podcast; 05/06/2020, Hour 2 @ 09:00
(Head Coach) Ernie Johnson - "When you look over to the bench, what you need is someone to stand tall, someone who is confident, someone who is competent, someone who has all the credibility -soaked in credibility - when you have the Head Coach of the Sports Media Dream Team."
(1; Point Guard) Mike Greenberg - "Doesn't really want to answer the big questions, but has no problem distributing those questions to other people who are happy to answer them."
(2; Shooting Guard) Stephen A. Smith - "Never met a topic he doesn't like. Short memory, doesn't care, Greeny could throw him anything and Stephen A. is gonna run with it even if he knows nothing about the topic. That is how it works. Stephen A. is the greatest of all time."
(3; Small Forward) Chris Fowler - "A do it all guy. Studio show? Great. Play by Play? Even better. Can do everything."
(4; Small Forward Replacement) Maria Taylor) - "Need Play by Play, need Sideline, need Studio Host - she can do it all"
(5; Power Forward) Dianna Russini - "You need some crazy, some don't mess with us, someone to tear someone's head off in the event that they come after one of us."
(6; Power Forward Replacement) PFT Commenter - "He just comes in and acts crazy, throws his arms and hair around, and give ya 5 to 10 really crazy minutes."
(7; In honor of the Chicago Bulls, Stugotz needed a Wennington, a Purdue) Scott Van Pelt - Dan debated whether or not SVP should be on the Sports Media Dream Team™. That's what he's doing.
(8; Bench Player w/ No Position Specified) Doris Burke
(9) Teased.../I didn't finish listening to the show yet

Time Stamps may not be exact based on what podcast app or service you use. But they'll be close.

Football

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book (Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags).
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a SB 52 ring. Foles doesnt.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36. In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens SB) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city if new orleans (there was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but iirc it ended up at three)
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings. Dan also has this in his record book. In fact, McCarthy has -3 (negative three) rings.
(16) Any Super Bowl rings Antonio Brown gets with the Patriots will not count in the Stugotz personal record book. 9/9 Weekend Observations National Hour 2.
(17) Ohio States 76 to 5 victory over Miami (OH) on 9/21/19 does not count.

Basketball

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) Kevin Durant has -1 rings (negative 1 rings). As of 4/11/18 Durant has -4 Rings. Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered. https://twitter.com/AndFinallyDLB/status/984180896927543297
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings. However, as seen above, Durant has -4 rings and if he were to remain at -4, then win for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering the "-4" current total as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from 0 rings to -1 rings to -4 rings. Another interesting note is that Stugotz has also said, If the Warriors won a championship playing 3 on 5 Kevin Durant would have 1 ring. I am unsure if this means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be down to -3 rings total, or whether it means if they win a championship 3 on 5, he would be at (positive)+1 rings total.
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors is not n Stugotz' personal record scroll. (Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves)).
(6) Westbrook had ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
(8) Per Dan, speaking on Stugotz' behalf, KD has no Olympic Gold Medals (9/18/19 National Hour 1 @ 00:07:50).
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings since (a) the Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan, and (b) the Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast). But MJ still has 9 rings as see above.
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the GSW, every championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs, (1) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do, & (2) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do, & (3) then LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book. HOWEVER Harden & Chris Paul, if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team, are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book. To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18) then that wins counts for 6 rings. Thus LeBron has 9 rings.
Kyrie Irving
(1) Kyrie Irving hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals History, but was only in that position because of LeBron James. Kyrie Irving, did hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals history that won everyone on that team a Ring, except for you (Kyrie). (3/9/20 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 07:00). Note: "A little revision to the uhhh Stugotz Personal Record Book that I'll come around to writing...or Mike will." I'M WRITING IT YOU IDIOT MORON JACKAL!!!
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (none) NBA Championship victories. See a previous bullet, because Michael Jordan actually is in possession of those rings since Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed (1994 and 1995 did not count for Houston). BUT WAIT - CONFLICTING HOT TAKES AHEAD Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling. NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships. If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has four rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring (Durant still has none/negative)
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1). The Thunder Blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1. This does not apply to Durant though. The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.

Baseball

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher. However This is somewhat confusing/interesting Because: Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin." This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin. The only way it can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter 1 through 20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Excluding Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani). You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series .
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Redsocks (this pains Stugotz).
(7) The Red Sox may have won the 1986 World Series, taking a ring away from the Mets. Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00
(10) Mike Minor (Rangers Pitcher) does not have 200 strikeouts in 2019. He's at 199 (National Hour 2, 10 mins 40 seconds in). Chris agrees too. And who really cares (15% on poll do care).

Hockey

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights. "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

Tennis

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

Golf

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

Soccer

(1)Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."

Miscellaneous

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool. "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the horse) only has a double crown. This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie hall of fame and Cliffhanger is the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
(8) Fruit Stripes Gum is NOT a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer in Stu's 'Gum Hall of Fame' because "it loses it's flavor so quickly" (08/12/2019 | Hour 2 @ 15:25). Also, "[...] Bazooka...1st Ballot Hall of Famer." Also, "Big League Chew..1st Ballot."
(9) Chris Cote owns all intellectual property rights to the "Friends" (TV Show) Movie with a misleading preview that eventually has a climax leading to an intense murder mystery. (10/29/19 Hour #2 @ 03:15). If they make this without crediting Cote, they're stealing it.
(10) That guy killed the pigeon (12/10 Hour 3 @ 08:20).
(11) Billy owns the record for world's longest Plank (2/25, Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 30:55) (Possibly in just the Non-Marine edition).
(12) Zach Buchanan won a Pulitzer Prize for his story on the Madison Bumgarner / Mason Saunders rodeo story (2/28/20 Hour #2; Google Podcasts @ 21:35).

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mention dash style connection park pill talkative location sale tumble important evoke bottle heal start humor smooth couple central suffering brink duck profile campaign muscle cassette circumstance thinker stab forestry chase idea blind colony dramatic rice acid experiment indulge side fountain crack lean expression goat beat bin frown slot update diplomatic railcar percent guess harbor story motif soak edition parachute progress step maximum conference polite bridge resource automatic few forget exotic 

Please quickly read these few bullet points first!

• Master Document Link - look here for ALL you need to know about this tournament
• Successful managers: Well done! Please upgrade your gladiators and submit them as new comments below, by the end of the weekend if possible.
• Upgrading: You may wish to use thriggle's planner to help with upgrading your gladiator. You have some days so plan carefully, check for mistakes and feel free to make changes to upgrades, just make sure to let me know if you do. Click here to see more information on upgrading a gladiator.
• Unsuccessful managers: You have my commiserations, thanks for taking part and I hope you stick around to watch the rest of the tourney :)
• Betting: Betting is now closed! Don't post bets in this thread as they will be ignored. Bets for round 2 can be placed by remaining betters in the round 2 bracket post, which will go up early next week.
• The results: Each match is detailed below with an intro, video, combat log and short write up. Yes it did take me a long time. Feel free to dive into the logs and pick out things I missed or post your own takes on fights.
• Finally: I'm going to be away till Monday so don't be worried if I don't reply to something until then. I've tried some new things with the formatting of results (like moving from gifs to videos) and I want to hear what you think! Let me know what you like & dislike, and apologies the quality and shortness of some write ups, as the number of fights per round decreases I will be able to devote more time to the results. Please do correct me on any spg mistakes/broken links

Link to next part of this tournament here, since I couldn't fit it in below.
First blood has been drawn! Challengers have risen! 64 entered, now only 32 remain!
Below are the results for Round 1 of the second /dwarffortress Gladiator Tournament. Enjoy!
Matchup 1A
Kafek Idolpink (managed by Daniel_The_Finn) vs Hero Pants (managed by Burial)
Our opening match! You can almost feel the energy in the air. Who will draw first blood? Who will be the first to fall? Oh the tension! The stands are packed with people, and those people hunger for blood! Bets have been placed, wagers made, and lives are on the line. Without further ado let us welcome the gladiators who will open the tourney;
From the top gate enters Kafek Idolpink, a female dwarf wielding a gleaming copper longsword. Hushed whispers ripple through the crowd – rumours are abound that Kafek is actually an ancient vampire! True or not, she will have to do more than bare her fangs if she wishes to survive this fight.
From the bottom gate enters her opponent, Hero Pants. A notorious homeless madman and drunk, Hero has supposedly been sent to the arena so that his town may be rid of him. But even in the crowd a contingent of his fellow townspeople can be seen, waving a huge banner with his name. Wielding an iron great sword and clad in rusty iron armour, will our delusional hero be able to triumph?
Video
Combat Log
The crowd are deafening, their voices managing to almost drown out the arena drums. Both gladiators look tense – their bodies poised for action. The starting horn is blown, the note held for a few seconds as is custom. As soon as it ceases the gladiators are off! They move at a sprint and clash in the middle of the arena, immediately engaging in a frenzied combat with one another. After the first few exchanges Kafek scores a hit on Hero’s left leg, the blow visibly bending his knee. Hero falls to the ground heavily, fear and pain flashing across his grimy face. He manages to steel himself, lashing out at Kafek from his position on the ground. The two engage in a fierce conversation, their words of steel flashing brilliantly in the sunlight. Hero does a valiant job of holding off the dwarf but the audience can see his strength faltering – and so can Kafek. The dwarf presses her advantage, first chopping off Hero’s right hand and then his left foot! The crowd go wild, sensing an imminent end to the fight. Hero makes one last attempt to strike his opponent, but Kafek easily dodges the grounded man and replies with her own attack, burying her sword in her adversary’s right arm. With a feeble grown, Hero Pants finally slumps to the ground in a pool of his blood, lifeless.
Kafek Idolpink has drawn first blood! Daniel_The_Finn, you now have 222 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1B
Wed Chackatongie (managed by Maniacal_Monster) vs Grand Leoprarrine Rudolph Hailstone (managed by General_Drunk_Horse)
As the bodies are removed and the arena floor washed clean of human blood, let us introduce our next gladiators!
Through the top gate strides kangaroo man Wed Chackatongie, wielding a bronze spear named ‘Pointy-stab-stab’. It is rumoured that he was a professional skateboarder who has joined the tournament to exact revenge on his twin brother or die trying. Will his desire for vengeance be enough to see him through?
From the bottom gate comes Rudolph Hailstone. A celebrated war hero with a distinguished military career, his appearance instantly grabs the crowd’s attention. The eagle man hefts his steel halberd and wooden shield with an ease that can only come from years of experience, and his copper breast plate gleams with perfect polish. This retired soldier has come to relive his youth and fight for the championship, or die a heroic death trying – will his experience give him an advantage or will his old age be his undoing?
Video
Combat Log
At the end of the horn the two meet in the middle, Rudolph striking first. Wed deftly parries the opening blow and his riposte strikes true, tearing into Rudolph’s head through his leather helmet. The crowd gasp, part of the inside of the eagle man’s head now visible through the shocking wound. Rudolph’s eyes take on a strange look but he continues to fight – the tow exchange a series of attacks, neither able to penetrate the other’s defence. Suddenly Wed scores lucky again, a solid hit to his opponent’s right wing. The sound of bone cracking can be heard even over the roaring audience, and Rudolph goes limp from pain, his weapon and shield clattering to the arena floor. Wed Chackatongie wastes no time, and with one swift movement he decapitates the eagle man, powerfully punting his head away as he bathes in the crowd’s admiration.
Maniacal_Monster, you now have 211 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1C
Ched Wackatongie (managed by Yoshilicious) vs Slender James (managed by imperator123)
From the top gate comes our second kangaroo man Ched, twin brother to the previously seen Wed. Just like his brother, Ched was a famous skateboarder who has joined the tournament to rid the world of his brother. He swings his iron Warhammer ‘Wham-bam-bam’ with confidence. Will the kangaroo luck hold out for another match?
From the bottom gate comes a huge specimen, a sasquatch! Almost four times larger than his opponent, Slender James has opted to use his bare hands and nothing else as weapons. The dwarves destroyed his peaceful forest home and now he’s out for revenge. (There is a lot of revenge in these backstories right?)
Video
Combat Log
The two gladiators run at one another, Slender James going for the first hit with his huge fists but missing entirely. In reply, Ched manages to land some heavy hits with his war hammer, surely bruising muscle and chipping bone. Slender continues to try to grab his opponent but the kangaroo man is too quick, and for every attempt the sasquatch is rewarded with another hefty thump. Eventually the beating starts to take its toll, and the large creature starts to panic. Wheezing and battered, Slender James now flees his opponent, leading a chase across the arena floor. The crowd can hardly believe it! Ched pursues with vigour, viciously hitting his opponent as he tries to flee. Eventually a hit on the right knee sends the giant tumbling to the ground. The sasquatch can only scream in senseless fear and pain as Ched pummels him, bringing his war hammer down on the grounded opponent again and again. With each blow Slender becomes more incoherent, his primal screams turning to bubbling as he chokes on his own frothing vomit and blood. The audience are transfixed at the beating taking place, many of the crowd themselves struggling not to vomit. With a final bash to the head, Slender James ceases to live. A truly terrible way to die.
Yoshilicious, you now have 211 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1D
Sniffly von Mischief (managed by workworkwork9000) vs Argus (managed by Anton2181)
From the top gate comes the Dark Gnome Sniffly. Dogged by abandonment issues and a criminal record, this little leather-clad fighter has come to redeem himself with the help of his platinum mace…and the blood of his enemies.
From the bottom gate flies Argus, a Barn Own Man roughly twice the size of his opponent. He carries nothing but an iron spear, his big eyes watching Sniffly intently. Hoo will be triumphant today?
Video
Combat Log
At the signal the two fighters charge, Sniffly sprinting whilst Argus flies. Argus’ first hit is just parried by Sniffly, and the gnome’s riposte comes in the form of a heavy hit on the barn owl man’s head. Argus however seems unperturbed by the blow, flying circles around his smaller opponent and lashing out with his spear. The aerial advantage proves too much for Sniffly here – thrust after thrust of the spear come raining down on him, putting more holes in him than swiss cheese. To his credit, the little fighter continues to try and defend himself, right up until his left arm is cleaved off. This is swiftly followed by a nasty stab to the guts the leave part of Sniffly’s innards hanging out. The dark gnome, now bleeding profusely and on his knees, throws up a colourful mixture of blood and bile before passing out completely. One last thrust to the head and Sniffly is struck down, his victorious opponent hooting his celebration.
Anton2182, you now have 260 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1E
Ramet McRandom (managed by Ismir_Egal) vs Gragnak Iron-Bitter (managed by LordApricot)
Through the top gate comes Ramet McRandom, a human gladiator wielding a copper shortsword. He carries about him an air of easy confidence, almost like he doesn’t really care about this at all.
From the opposite gate comes a hulking troll, twice the size of his opponent. Gragnak Iron-Bitter he calls himself, wielding a huge bronze great axe and intimidating leather mask. One can only guess what thoughts lurk behind that face of leather.
Video
Combat Log
Gragnak smiles as he charges into combat, perhaps seeing his opponent’s apparent apathy as an easy kill. But Ramet clearly has his head in the game, easily parrying the troll’s opening strike and cutting open his hand with the riposte. The wound is deep, and bright blue troll blood spurts out of it with force. Gragnak appears unshaken, and continues fighting without a moment’s hesitation. The two fighters clash again and again, each dodging or parrying the other. The crowd grows increasingly agitated – Gragnak’s wound has put him on a clock, and if he doesn’t turn things around quickly he will bleed out. Instead however, things only get worse for the troll. Ramet manages to get first one, then two hits through, tearing into his opponent’s body and then right hand. With a yelp of pain Gragnak loses hold of his great axe, his hand dangling limp. He roars in rage and tried to gore the human with his short horns, but Ramet simply kicks the troll in an injured foot and the large fighter charges to the ground. Gragnak now crawls, disabled and without a weapon, whilst his opponent skirts around him. The audience grow frenzied now – ‘Finish him!’, ‘Get up and fight!’ they shout and scream. Anyone who’s watched Game of Thrones knows that downing a large fighter isn’t enough – you have to put them down for good. The troll now screams and howls with pain and bloodlust, his heavy arms swinging as he crawls towards Ramet. The human stays light on his feet, fear on his face as he tries to stab his foe whilst staying out of reach. At one point he manages to grab the human – could this be the end for Ramet? No. Ramet replies with a swift strike and the troll lets go with a bellow of pain. Eventually it all proves too much, and Gragnak, bleeding from several wounds and heavily mutilated, finally ceases to move. Spattered with bright blue blood and on the verge of passing out, Ramet merely shrugs.
Ismir_Egal, you now have 220 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1F
Myrmoodon (managed by LMeire) vs One Punch Farmer (managed by cleuseau)
From the top gate comes Myrmoodon, a minotaur on the run from the law, wielding a menacing copper Morningstar and clad in full leather armour. Myrmoodon is a better’s favourite, having the most total money on his victory out of any gladiator in round 1. If he loses, a lot of people will be losing a lot of money.
Through the bottom gate strides the legendary One Punch Farmer. It’s said that he slayed a forgotten beast with just one punch, and indeed he fights now with no weapon but his own fists. His leather armour definitely won’t be enough to save him, but maybe his punching prowess will?
Video
Combat Log
One Punch lands the first hit, and the second too. Myrmoodon tries to strike back several times but the human is too fast, the morningstar either missing or just barely clipping his opponent. Punch after punch rains down on the Minotaur, bruising and winding him. The crowd can scarcely believe it – are they really about to see an armed and armoured Minotaur punched to death? This seems to snap the minotaur into action, and with a snort of rage he swings his morningstar with new found speed. The sudden attack catches the farmer unaware, bursting his head like a bloody piñata and sending his body careening to the floor. The minotaur smiles slyly as the crowd cheer his name.
LMeire, you now have 194 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1G
The Danhammer (managed by RDpringle) vs Rick (managed by Deep90)
Through the top gate comes The Danhammer, a wrestling human clad in nothing but scented oils. Ladies in the audience can be seen blushing, their husbands frowning with narrowed eyes.
Opposite him stands Rick, a gremlin here to pay off a debt. He clutches a hefty platinum war hammer in both hands, and although little it does appear he knows how to use it.
Video
Combat Log
The two gladiators meet in the middle to the sounds of a roaring crowd. Before Rick can even swing his war hammer, The Danhammer slams into him heavily, his oily body easily overpowering his smaller opponent. Before anyone can see what has happened, the human wrestler now holds the platinum war hammer, and the gremlin...nothing. A brief pause settles before the gremlin runs screaming, The Danhammer in hot pursuit. The audience go wild – will Rick be killed with his own weapon!? The chase continues around the arena, Rick screaming for mercy whilst The Danhammer follows on his heels, swinging the hammer wildly. Sure enough, eventually he manages to score a hit, smashing the gremlin’s foot and sending him to the floor in agony. The human wastes no time in pulping the poor fellow with his own hammer, pulverizing the screaming gremlin until he had no organs left to scream with.
RDpringle, you now have 210 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1H
Phalanx Salticidae (managed by El_Castillo) vs El Mustachio the 48th (managed by TimeBlossom)
Welcome Phalanx Salticidae, The Shields of Spearing. This jumping spider man may be half the size of a man but wields a spear and three shields in his arms. He is determined to bring glory to the ancient art of the spear and shield(s).
Fighting him today is the kobold El Mustachio the 48th. Descended from a proud lineage of kobold thieves, he wields in his hands…an iron…stepladder. Right. Ahem. He fights to bring glory to his name and to win the hand of a human princess.
Video
Combat Log
The fight starts of evenly enough – neither fighter seems to be able to press an advantage. Phalanx suddenly switches things up when he charges his opponent, sending the kobold to the ground. Phalanx tries to spear the grounded fighter but Mustachio deftly rolls out of the way each time before springing back to his feet. But he is too slow on the come back, and too late to avoid Phalanx’s next thrust. The spear strikes straight and true, deep into the flesh of the kobold’s left arm. He drops his stepladder in pain, and the crowd gasp – without his iconic weapon, can he turn this around? Well…no. The kobold tries his best but just cannot penetrate the three-shield defence of his opponent. Eventually he’s on the ground, bleeding heavily from several wounds, before Phalanx finally put him out of his misery with a thrust to the head.
El_Castillo, you now have 254 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1I
El Bo (managed by BlueChilli) vs Caenis the Grieved (managed by Vespasianus)
In comes El Bo, famous luchador echidna man. Wielding a steel dagger, he’s entered the arena to prove he is the greatest echidna man of them all! And since he is the only one in this tournament, I guess he doesn’t have to do much.
His opponent today – the olm woman Caenis the Grieved. She’s come here to honour her brother, who died in a previous tournament. She wields a bismuth bronze short sword named ‘Bane of Firosus’, and is ready to show the power of the caverns! Or something.
Video
Combat Log
The two fighters are quickly locked in fierce combat, their strikes and blocks almost too fast for the eye to see. As if in an intricate dance, they twirl around the arena, weapons flashing and shields shifting. This display continues for some time, the crowd hanging off every single parry and riposte. Eventually Caenis manages to ground El Bo with a slash to the leg – but before Caenis can capitalise, El Bo replies with a magnificent strike that take the olm woman’s right leg clean off! Considering her position, she does a valiant job of trying to defend herself and even manages to get a couple of hits on her opponent, but it’s only a matter of time before Caenis bleeds out and El Bo stands victorious. A very close match indeed!
BlueChilli, you now have 261 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below!
Matchup 1J
Pizza Postpyle (managed by TrailerParkBride) vs Korg Grimhoof (managed by narwhalstoot)
Apparently famed among gremlins, Pizza Postpyle has come seeking gold and glory via the end of her steel dagger. But she has her work cut out for her…
Because coming through the opposite gate is Korg Grimhoof, a hulking minotaur and veteran maze defender. More than twenty times the size of his opponent and wielding a huge iron great axe, it’s no surprise that Korg Grimhoof was one of the most bet upon gladiators of this round.
Video
Combat Log
Within seconds of fighting Korg hacks open Pizza’s left leg, sending the little fighter to the ground. But instead of giving up the gremlin takes on a look of pure determination. She lashes out, stabbing the minotaur in his right foot with such force that the dagger is embedded! As Pizza tries to yank her weapon free Korg comes in with another sweep of his great axe, cleaving open the gremlin’s body and spilling her guts onto herself and the arena floor. The crowd gasp – surely this is it for our plucky little gladiator? No! Even in her obvious pain Pizza manages to pull her dagger free and slash Korg again in the arm and then again in the head, minotaur blood mixing with gremlin. But there’s only so much you can do with your guts hanging out, and can only snarl as her head is hacked off by Korg and sent flying across the arena. Grimhoof roars to the cheering crowd – looks like the betters were right again.
narwhalstoot, you now have 162 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1K
Cacame Awemedinade (managed by Terminus_Est_Eterne) vs Balathor (managed by Raphiell)
Through the top gate comes our first Elf gladiator thus far, wielding a copper war hammer and wooden shield. Cacame has supposedly come to the arena to test his might and slay any others of his race.
Opposite him stands Balathor, glory-seeking human swordsman. Some say that he has a paramour in the arena known as Polly, and that his armour has bunnies on it because it was made for him by his mother. Either way, he’s got a determined face and a nice steel longsword to go with it.
Video
Combat Log
At the start it seems as if Balathor is at the disadvantage – he takes a few solid hits and can’t seem to get around Cacame’s shield. It seems to get worse when the Elf lands a hit on his opponent’s head, the war hammer surely fracturing the skull. Even with no head protection, Balathor manages to shake off the blow, although he is visibly dazed and frightened. He manages to steel himself, parry his foe’s next strike and reply with a powerful riposte that tears apart the elf’s right arm, forcing him to drop his shield. From there the tables turn – the elf takes a series of successive hits from Balathor, losing his left arm and right foot in the process. Now on the ground, Cacame flails his weapon uselessly at Balathor, blinded by pain, blood and vomit. Balathor simply has to step out of the way of these wild and sluggish strikes and before long Cacame has succumbed to his wounds.
Raphiell, you now have 214 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1L
El Shivo (managed by PepinloDraws) vs Tigger Woods (managed by kitty573)
Enter El Shivo, elf wrestler turned dagger user. After shanking his Uncle Juanito, El Shivo has roamed the land lost, seeking to prove to the world that he is a the baddest boy of them all.
Facing him today is Tigger Woods. This hefty tiger man stands more than twice as large as his opponent and wields an intimidating iron maul and full set of leather armour. Tigger is apparently fighting to save his orphanage from a baked bean or something, a righteous cause which has earned the admiration of many of the audience. But then good will never won a fight eh?
Video
Combat Log
Tigger’s first swing goes wide, and oh does he pay the price. El Shivo counters with a vicious slash to the left leg that sends the tiger man crashing to the ground. Unable to hold his weight, Woods tries to hit his opponent from the ground but to no avail. El Shivo follows up with a quick succession of stabs that see the tiger man lose his right paw and most of the functionality of his arms. Copious amounts of blood now flow from the tiger man, who continues to try and strike his opponent from below. El Shivo responds by plunging his dagger into the chest of his enemy – the weapon is embedded, likely in a lung, because Tigger starts choking on blood welling out of his mouth and down his chin. Perhaps sensing his imminent demise, the tiger man starts lashing out with his maul in rage, all the while choking in his growing pool of blood. El Shivo is unfazed, and with the grace of an artist he swiftly decapitates his foe, sending the head careening across the arena to thunderous applause.
PepinloDrawns, you now have 236 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1M
John Smith (managed by LegalPusher) vs Jack Links (managed by Xraygoggles)
Nothing much is known about John Smith, a quiet human who wields a copper war hammer and wooden shield. He looks fairly generic in terms of his name and equipment – but then there’s nothing wrong with that.
Opposing him is Jack Links, a hulking specimen of a sasquatch. Jack has gained a notorious reputation for being a self-labelled ‘master of mastication’, chewing his way through anything he can get his big hands on. Will John Smith be his next meal, or will Jack finally meet his masticatory match?
Video
Combat Log
John’s first strike hits true, his war hammer smacking into the sasquatch with force. Jack tries to grab the human but fail, and pays for it with another received smack. This continues for some time – John continuously evading the grabs of the larger opponent whilst successfully dealing out blows of his own. But no matter how much he smacks the sasquatch, it keeps coming after him. Being more than four times bigger than his opponent, Jack knows that he can still turn this around in an instant if he can just get his hands on the human. Fear starts to cross John’s face, as even his intense beating can’t stop his giant foe coming at him. Eventually Jack’s persistence pays off – John slips up, and a nasty scratch forces him to drop his war hammer. With both fighters now unarmed, surely the tables have turned? The two gladiators tussle on the floor of the arena, neither quite able to get an advantage on the other. His injuries and sheer size start to hamper the sasquatch, as he struggles to get a hold of the much smaller and faster human. John screams in fear as he desperately tries to stay out of the sasquatch’s grasp. In a bizzare turn of events, this wrestling leads to John biting the head of Jack. Jack roars and tries to pull the human off but Jack latches on, shaking the sasquatch’s head viciously. Eventually this all proves too much and the huge fighter collapses, succumbing to his injuries. The audience go absolutely mad – the master of mastication himself beaten by biting from a human four times smaller! Whether or not John survives the next round, his name will go down in gladiatorial history today.
LegalPusher, you now have 211 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1N
Kubopis (managed by pitaden) vs Polly Wanna Crack Some Skulls (managed by snginter)
Through the top gate enters Kubopis, a kobold blow gunner with a face that looks permanently puzzled. In fact, nobody seems to know how he got here or why.
Facing the confused kobold is Polly Wanna Crack Some Skulls, a Peach-faced Lovebird Woman (yes that’s a real thing apparently). She wields a steel whip and looks like she knows how to use it – but I’m sure Balathor would know more about that...
Video
Combat Log
As soon as the horn ends the gladiators are off! Polly takes off with speed, hurtling towards her foe through the air. Kubopis’ first blow dart goes wide, missing his opponent. He barely has time to reload before she is upon him, mercilessly whipping him to pieces as she flies circles around the kobold. Kubopis is sent to the ground, trying desperately to shield himself from this most vicious aerial assault. He manages to get another dart off at close range, striking his opponent in the chest. But it isn’t enough, and the lashings continue to rain down. The audience gasp as Kubopis loses hold of his blow gun and watches it roll away, unable to grab it as he tries to shield himself with his arms. In desperation he tries to stick the bird with his darts, using them as crude melee weapons. It almost seems to work, and the bird woman’s attacks slightly falter – but then Kubopis finally gives in to his pain, falling limp. Polly makes quick work of him, whipping the kobold’s skull into tomato sauce to claim victory.
snginter, you now have 274 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1O
The Incredible Mozzy (managed by LiterallyMussolini) vs Gasznak (managed by gasznak)
Mosquitos! Something everyone loves to hate. Now imagine a mosquito man…ew right? Well that’s exactly what our first gladiator of this match is, a scourge dual-wielding ex-circus-performer who calls himself ‘The Incredible Mozzy’. Almost ten times smaller than his opponent, he’s going to need more than circus skills to come out of this alive.
Facing the malarial menace is Gasznak, a sasquatch who was sold to the tournament from slavery. He holds his iron great axe with confidence – shame it isn’t a giant iron fly swat instead.
Video
Combat Log
Mozzy opens with the first attack, lashing Gasznak from the air with one of his scourges and leaving a deep wound. Gasznak tried to reply with his own strike but the shot is blocked – his opponent takes the opportunity to follow up with another lashing, but at the very last second Gasznak deftly parries the scourge. As he swipes away the attack he twirls the great axe in his hands, bringing the pommel around for a heavy strike on his opponent. The move is too quick for the Mozzy to react, and hits with such force that the mosquito man is splatted in mid-air, spraying his innards across the arena. Gasznak is quick to avoid the falling scourges, and defiantly roars his victory to a cheering crowd. What a finisher!
gasznak, you now have 120 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1P
Dakas ‘etag’ Udos (managed by DM_Trazz) vs Smokey (managed by thriggle)
Enter from the top gate Dakas ‘etag’ Udos, a human raised by dwarves. He’s on the search for destiny, and has found the arena instead. Will his platinum maul ‘Anvil-breaker’ win him the day?
From the bottom gate comes Smokey, a black bear man wielding nought but his own might. He’s on a quest to spread the message of forest fire safety, through violence if necessary. Although unarmed he stands slightly larger than his opponent; will his physical might win or will his chance of being champion go down in flames?
Video
Combat Log
The two gladiators open cautiously, each attacking conservatively whilst the other dodges. Smokey breaks this by successfully grabbing Dakas by the neck, but is forced to let go when Dakas smacks him with his maul. Smokey snarls and bodily shoves his opponent to the ground, trying to grab the human. Dakas gets up and keeps up his swings, his maul occasionally hitting the bear man but to little effect – the bear man only seems to get more enraged, landing a few heavy punches to the smaller human. He tops these brutal hits off with a fierce kick that breaks Dakas’ right ankle and sends him straight to the ground. Unable to get back up, the human tried desperately to stave off the larger foe but only gets some heavy punches as payment. Beaten and winded, and crying out from fear and pain, Dakas can do little to stop Smokey as the grinning bear man straddles him and places his hands around his throat. Sensing what is about to happen, Dakas becomes hysterical, screaming and tugging at the large paws tightening around his neck. The human spasms, frantically trying to save himself in his death throes before finally laying still, his face and lips bloody and purple. Smokey rises to an audience equally shocked as they are enthralled – I guess he really does take fire safety seriously…
thriggle, you now have 202 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1Q
Zihark (managed by BladeOfUnity) vs Botticelli (managed by stebsteb)
First enters Zihark, a human swordsman out to bring tragedy to others. He wears no armour but twirls his iron longsword with ease.
Second enters Botticelli, a Pond Turtle Man wielding an iron dagger. His appearance draws much interest from the audience – it’s not often we see a shelled gladiator.
Video
Combat Log
The two gladiators engage in even combat, both seemingly a good match for one another. Zihark manages to send his opponent to the ground with a deep wound to the right leg, but shortly afterwards Zihark himself is sent tumbling to the ground as Botticelli stabs him deeply in his left thigh. The audience are captivated, such an even fight is a rare sight indeed. But, as with all things, it cannot last forever. The two gladiators put on an impressive show of combat, before the turtle man finally lucks out – his knife strikes true to Zihark’s right arm, rendering his weapon arm useless and forcing him to drop his sword. Now unarmed, Zihark can only try to punch and grab his opponent as Botticelli mercilessly stabs him again and again. The swordsman is starting to resemble a human pincushion before his opponent finally ends his life with a vicious stab to the head, braining Zihark and claiming victory for himself.
stebsteb, you now have 254 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1R
Private Fluffington (managed by Julesy_) vs Cuddles (managed by Flyrpotacreepugmu)
From the top gate enters Private Fluffington, a pick wielding hare man shunned as a coward. He’s come to the arena to restore honour to his name and do justice to his former brothers in arms!
Fighting him is Cuddles, a kobold wielding an adamantine spear! The crowd ooohs and ahhs at the weapon, its metal gleaming in the sunlight. Once a thief and then a pet, this kobold has big dreams.
Video
Combat Log
Right off the bat Fluffington strikes Cuddles in the arm and leg, his bronze pick tearing through flesh and muscle. Knocked to the floor, Cuddles doesn’t even have a chance to respond before his left arm is hacked off and his right eye pulverized by successive blows. The crowd grimace, watching in awe - the hare man is attacking his opponent with a rapidity often only seen from his race when it comes to breeding. Blow after blow land on the screaming kobold, the little fighter writhing in a growing pool of blood. Within seconds it’s all over, Cuddles lays still, and the crowd give his opponent a resounding applause. Fluffington didn’t even let his foe get a single hit on him, truly a show of exemplary (if brutal) fighting.
Julesy_, you now have 286 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1S
Nuudar (managed by Bureaucrat-72) vs Mad Gizmo (managed by squidesquide)
Enter Nuudar, nudist gremlin and expert crossbow user. A fan favourite, many will be hoping his bolts strike fast and true.
Opposite him – Mad Gizmo. Clad in nothing but a dishevelled tie, you can tell this guy has been through some real shit. He has a crazy expression on his face and keeps gnashing his teeth. Some say that this gremlin is on bath salts…I certainly wouldn’t want to be facing him!
Video
Combat Log
The air is tense – Mad Gizmo stands poised to sprint, Nuudar stand opposite with his crossbow loaded. Just one bolt could end Gizmo’s life, but once he’s close will Nuudar stand a chance? The signal is given and Gizmo is off! Nuddar’s first bolt misses, whistling past his opponent’s head. Before he can reload Gizmo is upon him, having crossed the arena at a feverish speed. He lunges at Nuudar, who dodges whilst screaming in fear. He fumbles with his crossbow, trying to load it whilst dodging his foe. Mad Gizmo lunges and Nuudar trips as he stumbles backwards. On the ground, he screams as he desperately fires off a bolt, knowing that this could be the end for him. The bolt strikes true, embedding itself in the crazed gremlin’s skull and sending him down like a brick. Nuudar slowly opens his eyes, barely believing his success – but the nude gremlin lives to fight another day, even if only just.
Bureaucrat-72, you now have 326 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Matchup 1T
Silvario Shiningson (managed by Angrypinecone) vs Dante (managed by platoprime)
From the top gate enters Silvario, an elf of meagre upbringing who has always dreamt of covering himself head to toe in silver. He already has a silver Morningstar, and oh does he mean to use it.
From the bottom gate enters Dante, a dwarf farmer turned blood-god-worshipper. He wields a stolen ion spear and an equally dangerous religious fanaticism.
Video
Combat Log
Silvario misses his opening strike, and pays for it with a stab to the foot from Dante’s spear. The wound sends the elf to the ground, but he brings his opponent down with him though a solid bash to the dwarf’s leg. The two scrabble on the ground and Dante manages to impale his opponent’s leg, audibly fracturing the leg to shocked gasps from the crowd. Silvario looks shocked, pain twisting his face. Visibly shaken, he tried and fails to equalise the fight – Dante repeatedly stabs the elf, who is now bleeding profusely on the floor. The elf still refuses to give up, lashing out and occasionally hitting the dwarf with his Morningstar. Realising he himself is actually fairly injured, and wanting to end the fight quickly, Dante sees an opening and punches the elf in the mouth, scattering teeth across the arena, before impaling the elf’s arm with his spear. This proves too much, and Silvario succumbs to his wounds and exhaustion. The dwarf rises triumphant, his spear still embedded upright in the prone elf.
platoprime, you now have 234 points to spend. Please submit your upgraded gladiator in the comments below.
Results 1U to 1FF in comments below

Football

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book (Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags).
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a SB 52 ring. Foles doesnt.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36. In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens SB) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city if new orleans (there was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but iirc it ended up at three)
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings. Dan also has this in his record book. In fact, McCarthy has -3 (negative three) rings.

Basketball

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) Kevin Durant has -1 rings (negative 1 rings). As of 4/11/18 Durant has -4 Rings. Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered. https://twitter.com/AndFinallyDLB/status/984180896927543297
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings. However, as seen above, Durant has -4 rings and if he were to remain at -4, then win for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering the "-4" current total as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from 0 rings to -1 rings to -4 rings. Another interesting note is that Stugotz has also said, If the Warriors won a championship playing 3 on 5 Kevin Durant would have 1 ring. I am unsure if this means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be down to -3 rings total, or whether it means if they win a championship 3 on 5, he would be at (positive)+1 rings total.
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors is not n Stugotz' personal record scroll. (Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves)).
(6) Westbrook had ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings since (a) the Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan, and (b) the Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast). But MJ still has 9 rings as see above.
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the GSW, every championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs, (1) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do, & (2) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do, & (3) then LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book. HOWEVER Harden & Chris Paul, if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team, are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book. To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18) then that wins counts for 6 rings. Thus LeBron has 9 rings.
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (none) NBA Championship victories. See a previous bullet, because Michael Jordan actually is in possession of those rings since Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed (1994 and 1995 did not count for Houston). BUT WAIT - CONFLICTING HOT TAKES AHEAD Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling. NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships. If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has four rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring (Durant still has none/negative)
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1). The Thunder Blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1. This does not apply to Durant though. The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.

Baseball

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher. However This is somewhat confusing/interesting Because: Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin." This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin. The only way it can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter 1 through 20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Excluding Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani). You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series .
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Redsocks (this pains Stugotz).
(7) The Red Sox may have won the 1986 World Series, taking a ring away from the Mets. Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00

Hockey

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights. "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

Tennis

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

Golf

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

Soccer

(1)Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."

Miscellaneous

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool. "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the horse) only has a double crown. This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie hall of fame and Cliffhanger is the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.

Football

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book (Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags).
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a SB 52 ring. Foles doesnt.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36. In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens SB) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city if new orleans (there was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but iirc it ended up at three)
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings. Dan also has this in his record book. In fact, McCarthy has -3 (negative three) rings.
(16) Any Super Bowl rings Antonio Brown gets with the Patriots will not count in the Stugotz personal record book. 9/9 Weekend Observations National Hour 2.
(17) Ohio States 76 to 5 victory over Miami (OH) on 9/21/19 does not count.

Basketball

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) Kevin Durant has -1 rings (negative 1 rings). As of 4/11/18 Durant has -4 Rings. Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered. https://twitter.com/AndFinallyDLB/status/984180896927543297
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings. However, as seen above, Durant has -4 rings and if he were to remain at -4, then win for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering the "-4" current total as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from 0 rings to -1 rings to -4 rings. Another interesting note is that Stugotz has also said, If the Warriors won a championship playing 3 on 5 Kevin Durant would have 1 ring. I am unsure if this means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be down to -3 rings total, or whether it means if they win a championship 3 on 5, he would be at (positive)+1 rings total.
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors is not n Stugotz' personal record scroll. (Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves)).
(6) Westbrook had ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
(8) Per Dan, speaking on Stugotz' behalf, KD has no Olympic Gold Medals (9/18/19 National Hour 1 @ 00:07:50).
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings since (a) the Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan, and (b) the Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast). But MJ still has 9 rings as see above.
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the GSW, every championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs, (1) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do, & (2) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do, & (3) then LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book. HOWEVER Harden & Chris Paul, if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team, are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book. To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18) then that wins counts for 6 rings. Thus LeBron has 9 rings.
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (none) NBA Championship victories. See a previous bullet, because Michael Jordan actually is in possession of those rings since Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed (1994 and 1995 did not count for Houston). BUT WAIT - CONFLICTING HOT TAKES AHEAD Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling. NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships. If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has four rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring (Durant still has none/negative)
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1). The Thunder Blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1. This does not apply to Durant though. The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.

Baseball

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher. However This is somewhat confusing/interesting Because: Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin." This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin. The only way it can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter 1 through 20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Excluding Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani). You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series .
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Redsocks (this pains Stugotz).
(7) The Red Sox may have won the 1986 World Series, taking a ring away from the Mets. Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00
(10) Mike Minor (Rangers Pitcher) does not have 200 strikeouts in 2019. He's at 199 (National Hour 2, 10 mins 40 seconds in). Chris agrees too. And who really cares (15% on poll do care).

Hockey

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights. "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

Tennis

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

Golf

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

Soccer

(1)Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."

Miscellaneous

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool. "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the horse) only has a double crown. This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie hall of fame and Cliffhanger is the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
(8) Fruit Stripes Gum is NOT a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer in Stu's 'Gum Hall of Fame' because "it loses it's flavor so quickly" (08/12/2019 | Hour 2 @ 15:25). Also, "[...] Bazooka...1st Ballot Hall of Famer." Also, "Big League Chew..1st Ballot."
(9) Chris Cote owns all intellectual property rights to the "Friends" (TV Show) Movie with a misleading preview that eventually has a climax leading to an intense murder mystery. (10/29/19 Hour #2 @ 03:15). If they make this without crediting Cote, they're stealing it.
(10) That guy killed the pigeon (12/10 Hour 3 @ 08:20).

Football

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book (Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags).
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a SB 52 ring. Foles doesnt.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36. In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens SB) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city if new orleans (there was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but iirc it ended up at three)
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings. Dan also has this in his record book. In fact, McCarthy has -3 (negative three) rings.
(16) Any Super Bowl rings Antonio Brown gets with the Patriots will not count in the Stugotz personal record book. 9/9 Weekend Observations National Hour 2.
(17) Ohio States 76 to 5 victory over Miami (OH) on 9/21/19 does not count.

Basketball

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) Kevin Durant has -1 rings (negative 1 rings). As of 4/11/18 Durant has -4 Rings. Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered. https://twitter.com/AndFinallyDLB/status/984180896927543297
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings. However, as seen above, Durant has -4 rings and if he were to remain at -4, then win for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering the "-4" current total as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from 0 rings to -1 rings to -4 rings. Another interesting note is that Stugotz has also said, If the Warriors won a championship playing 3 on 5 Kevin Durant would have 1 ring. I am unsure if this means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be down to -3 rings total, or whether it means if they win a championship 3 on 5, he would be at (positive)+1 rings total.
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors is not n Stugotz' personal record scroll. (Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves)).
(6) Westbrook had ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
(8) Per Dan, speaking on Stugotz' behalf, KD has no Olympic Gold Medals (9/18/19 National Hour 1 @ 00:07:50).
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings since (a) the Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan, and (b) the Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast). But MJ still has 9 rings as see above.
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the GSW, every championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs, (1) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do, & (2) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do, & (3) then LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book. HOWEVER Harden & Chris Paul, if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team, are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book. To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18) then that wins counts for 6 rings. Thus LeBron has 9 rings.
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (none) NBA Championship victories. See a previous bullet, because Michael Jordan actually is in possession of those rings since Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed (1994 and 1995 did not count for Houston). BUT WAIT - CONFLICTING HOT TAKES AHEAD Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling. NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships. If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has four rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring (Durant still has none/negative)
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1). The Thunder Blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1. This does not apply to Durant though. The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.

Baseball

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher. However This is somewhat confusing/interesting Because: Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin." This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin. The only way it can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter 1 through 20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Excluding Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani). You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series .
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Redsocks (this pains Stugotz).
(7) The Red Sox may have won the 1986 World Series, taking a ring away from the Mets. Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00
(10) Mike Minor (Rangers Pitcher) does not have 200 strikeouts in 2019. He's at 199 (National Hour 2, 10 mins 40 seconds in). Chris agrees too. And who really cares (15% on poll do care).

Hockey

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights. "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

Tennis

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

Golf

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

Soccer

(1)Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."

Miscellaneous

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool. "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the horse) only has a double crown. This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie hall of fame and Cliffhanger is the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
(8) Fruit Stripes Gum is NOT a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer in Stu's 'Gum Hall of Fame' because "it loses it's flavor so quickly" (08/12/2019 | Hour 2 @ 15:25). Also, "[...] Bazooka...1st Ballot Hall of Famer." Also, "Big League Chew..1st Ballot."