Today i have a confession to make: i'm a little bit of a minmaxer. And honestly, i think that's a pretty desirable trait in a DM. The minmaxer knows the rules, and exploits them to maximum efficiency.
"But wait, what does that have to do with spell use in society?" - someone, probably.
Well, the thing is that humans are absolutely all about minmaxing. There's a rule in the universe that reads "gas expands when hot", and suddenly we have steam engines (or something like that, i'm a political scientist not an engineer). A rule says 1+1 = 2, and suddenly we have calculus, computers and all kinds of digital stuff that runs on math. Sound is energy? Let's convert that shit into electricity, run it through a wire and turn it back into sound on the other side.
Bruh. Science is just minmaxing the laws of nature. Humanity in real life is just a big bunch of munchkins, and it should be no different in your setting.
And that is why minmaxing magic usage is something societies as a whole would do, specially with some notable spells. Today i will go in depth on how and why each of these notable mentions has a huge impact on a fantasy society.
We'll go from lowest level to highest, keeping in mind that the lower level a spell the more common it should be to find someone who has it, so often a level 2-3 spell will have more impact than a level 9 spell.
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Mending (cantrip).
Repair anything in one minute. Your axe lost its edge? Tore your shirt? Just have someone Mend it.
Someone out there is crying "but wait! Not every village has a wizard!" and while that is true, keep in mind any High Elf knows a cantrip, as can any Variant Human.
A single "mender" could replace a lot of the work a smith, woodworker or seamstress does, freeing their time to only work on making new things rather than repair old ones.
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Prestidigitation (cantrip).
Clean anything in six seconds. Committed axe murders until the axe got blunt, and now there's blood everywhere? Dog shit on your pillow out of spite? Someone walked all over the living room with muddy boots? Just Prestidigitate it away.
This may look like a small thing, but its actually huge when you apply it to laundry. Before washing machines were a thing housewives had to spend several hours a week washing them manually, and with Prestidigitation you can just hire someone to get it done in a few minutes.
A single "magic cleaner" can attend to several dozen homes, if not hundreds, thus freeing several hours of the time of dozens of women.
Fun fact: there's an interesting theory that says feminism only existed because of laundry machines and similar devices. Women found themselves having more free time, which they used to read and socialize. Educated women with more contacts made for easy organization of political movements, and the fact men were now able to do "the women's work" by pushing a button meant men were less opposed to losing their housewives' labor. Having specialized menders and magic cleaners could cause a comparable revolution in a fantasy setting, and help explain why women have a similar standing to men even in combat occupations such as adventuring.
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Healing in general (1st-2nd level).
This one is fairly obvious. A commoner has 4 hit points, that means just about any spell is a full heal to the average person. That means most cuts, stab wounds, etc. can be solved by the resident cleric. Even broken bones that would leave you in bed for months can be solved in a matter of seconds as soon as the holy man arrives.
But that's nothing compared to the ability to cure diseases. While the only spell that can cure diseases is Lesser Restoration, which is second level, a paladin can do it much more easily with just a Lay on Hands. This means if one or two people catch a disease it can just be eradicated with a touch.
However doing that comes with a cost. If everyone is instantly expunged of illness, the populace does not build up their immune systems. Regular disease becomes less common, sure, but whenever it is reintroduced (by, say, immigrants or contact with less civilized humanoids) it can spread like wildfire, afflicting people so fast that no amount of healers will have the magic juice to deal with it.
Diseases become rare, plagues become common.
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Continual Flame (2nd).
Ok, this one is a topic i love and could easily be its own post.
There's an article called "Why the Falling Cost of Light Matters", which goes in detail about how man went from chopping wood for fire, to using animal fat for candles, then other oils, whale oil, kerosene, then finally incandescent light bulbs, and more recently LED lights. Each of these leaps is orders of grandeur more efficient than the previous one, to the point that the cost of light today is about 500,000 times cheaper than it was for for a caveman. And until the early 1900s the only way mankind knew of making light was to set things on fire.
Continual Flame on the other hand allows you to turn 50gp worth of rubies and a 2nd level spell slot into a torch that burns forever. In a society that spends 60 hours of labor to be able to generate 140 minutes of light, this is a huge game changer.
This single spell, which i am 99% sure was just created as an excuse for why the dungeon is lit despite going for centuries without maintenance, allows you to have things like public lighting. Even if you only add a new "torchpost" every other week or month sooner or later you'll be left with a neatly lit city, specially if the city has had thousands of years in which to gather the rubies and light them up.
And because the demand of rubies becomes so important, consider how governments would react. Lighting the streets is a public service, if its strategically relevant to make the city safer at night, would that not warrant some restrictions on ruby sales? Perhaps even banning the use of rubies in jewelry?
Trivia: John D. Rockefeller, the richest man in history, gained his wealth selling kerosene. Kerosene at the time was used to light lamps. Gasoline was invented much later, when Rockefeller tasked a bunch of scientists to come up with a use for some byproducts of the kerosene production. This illustrates how much money is to be had in the lighting industry, and you could even have your own Rockefeller ruby baron in your game. I shall call him... Dohn J. Stonebreaker. Perfect name for a mining entrepreneur.
Whether the ruby trade ends up a monopoly under the direct supervision of the king or a free market, do keep in mind that Continual Flame is by far the most efficient way of creating light.
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Gentle Repose (2nd).
Cast it on a corpse, and it stays preserved for 10 days.
This has many potential uses, from preserving foodstuffs (hey, some rare meats are expensive enough to warrant it) to keeping the bodies of old rulers preserved. Even if a ruler died of old age and cannot be resurrected, the body could be kept "fresh" out of respect/ceremony. Besides, it keeps the corpse from becoming undead.
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Skywrite (2nd).
Ok, this one is mostly a gag. While the spell can be used by officials to make official announcements to the populace, such as new laws or important news, i like to just use it for spam. I mean, its a ritual spell that writes a message on the sky; what else would people use it for?
Imagine you show up in a city, and there's half a dozen clouds reading "buy at X, we have what you need", "get your farming supplies over at Joe's store" or "vote Y for the city council".
The possibilities are endless, and there's no way the players can expect it. Just keep in mind that by RAW the spell can only do words, meaning no images. No Patrick, "8===D" is not a word.
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Zone of Truth (2nd).
This one is too obvious. Put all suspects of a crime into a ZoT, wait a couple minutes to make sure they fail the save, then ask each one if he did it. Sure its not a perfect system, things like the Ring of Mind Shielding still exist, but it's got a better chance of getting the right guy than most medieval justice systems. And probably more than a few contemporary ones. All while taking only a fraction of the time.
More importantly, with all the average crimes being handled instantly, the guards and investigators have more time to properly investigate the more unusual crimes that might actually involve a Thought Shield, Ring of Mind Shielding or a level 17 Mastermind.
There is a human rights argument against messing with people's minds in any way, which is why this may not be practiced in every kingdom. But there are definitely some more lawful societies that would use ZoT on just about every crime.
Why swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth when you can just stand in a zone of truth?
Another interesting use for ZoT is oaths. When someone is appointed into an office, gets to a high rank in the military or a guild, just put them in a ZoT while they make their oath to stand for the organization's values and yadda yadda. Of course they can be corrupted later on, but at least you make sure they're honest when they are sworn in.
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Sending (3rd).
Sending is busted in so many ways.
The more "vanilla" use of it is to just communicate over long distances. We all know that information is important, and that sometimes getting information a whole day ahead can lead to a 40% return on a massive two-year investment. Being able to know of invasions, monsters, disasters, etc. without waiting days or weeks for a courier can be vital for the survival of a nation. Another notable example is that one dude who ran super fast for a while to be the first to tell his side of a recent event.
But the real broken thing here is... Sending can Send to any creature, on any plane; the only restriction being "with which you are familiar". In D&D dead people just get sent to one of the afterlife planes, meaning that talking to your dead grandfather would be as simple as Sending to him. Settling inheritance disputes was never easier!
Before moving on to the next point let me ask you something: Is a cleric familiar with his god? Is a warlock familiar with his patron?
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Speak With Dead (3rd).
Much like Sending, this lets you easily settle disputes. Is the senate/council arguing over a controversial topic? Just ask the beloved hero or ruler from 200 years ago what he thinks on the subject. As long his skeleton still has a jaw (or if he has been kept in Gentle Repose), he can answer.
This can also be used to ask people who killed them, except murderers also know this. Plan on killing someone? Accidentally killed someone? Make sure to inutilize the jaw. Its either that, being so stealthy the victim can't identify you, or being caught.
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Note on spell availability.
Oh boy. No world-altering 4th level spells for some reason, and suddenly we're playing with the big boys now.
Spells up to 3rd level are what I'd consider "somewhat accessible", and can be arranged for a fee even for regular citizens. For instance the vanilla Priest statblock (MM348) is a 5th level cleric, and the standard vanilla Druid (MM346) a 4th level druid.
Spells of 5th level onward will be considered something only the top 1% is able to afford, or large organizations such as guilds, temples or government.
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Dream (5th).
I was originally going to put Dream along with Sending and Telepathy as "long range communication", but decided against it due to each of them having unique uses.
And when it comes to Dream, it has the unique ability of allowing you to put your 8 hours of sleep to good use. A tutor could hire someone to cast Dream on him, thus allowing him to teach his student for 8 hours at any distance. This is a way you could even access hermits that live in the middle of nowhere or in secluded monasteries. Very wealthy families or rulers would be willing to pay a good amount of money to make sure their heirs get that extra bit of education.
Its like online classes, but while you sleep!
Another interesting use is for cheating. Know a princess or queen you like? She likes you back? Her dad put 400 trained soldiers between you? No problemo! Just find a 9th level Bard, Warlock or Wizard, but who am i kidding, of course it'll be a bard. And that bard is probably you. Now you have 8 hours to do whatever you want, and no physical evidence will be left.
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Raise Dead (5th).
Few things matter more in life than death. And the ability to resurrect people has a huge impact on society. The impact is so huge that this topic needs topics of its own.
First, diamond monopoly. Remember what i said about how Continual Flame would lead to controlled ruby sales due to its strategic value? This is the same principle, but a hundred times stronger. Resurrection is a huge strategic resource. It makes assassinations harder, can be used to bring back your officials or highest level soldiers over and over during a war, etc. This means more authoritarian regimes would do everything within their power to control the supply and stock of diamonds. Which in turn means if anyone wants to have someone resurrected, even in times of peace, they'll need to call in a favor, do a quest, grease some hands...
Second, resurrection insurance. People hate risks. That's why insurance is such a huge industry, taking up about 15% of the US GDP. People insure their cars, houses... even their lives. Resurrection just means "life insurance" is taken more literally. This makes even more sense when you consider how expensive resurrection is: nobody can afford it in one go, but if you pay a little every month or year you can save up enough to have it done when the need arises.
This is generally incompatible with the idea of a State-run monopoly over diamonds, but that just means different countries within a setting can take different approaches.
To make things easier, i even used some microeconomics to make a sheet in my personal random generators to calculate the price of such a service. Just head to the "Insurance" tab and fill in the information relative to your setting.
With actual life insurance resurrection can cost as little as 5gp a year for humans or 8sp a year for elves, making resurrection way more affordable than it looks.
Also, do you know why pirates wore a single gold earring? It was so that if your body washes up on the shore whoever finds it can use the money to arrange a proper burial. Sure there's a risk of the finder taking it and walking away, but the pirates did it anyway. With resurrection in play, might as well just wear a diamond earring instead and hope the finder is nice enough to bring you back.
I got so carried away with the whole insurance thing i almost forgot: the possibility of resurrection also changes how murders are committed.
If you want someone dead but resurrection exists, you have to remove the vital organs. Decapitation would be far more common. Sure resurrection is still possible, but it requires higher level spells or Reincarnate, which has... quirks.
As a result it should be very obvious when someone was killed by accident or an overreaction, and when someone was specifically out to kill the victim.
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Scrying (5th).
This one is somewhat obvious, in that everyone and their mother knows it helps finding people. But who needs finding? Well, that would be those who are hiding.
The main use i see for this spell, by far, is locating escaped criminals. Just collect a sample of hair or blood when arresting someone (or shipping them to hard labor which is way smarter), and if they escape you'll be almost guaranteed to successfully scry on them.
A similar concept to this is seen in the Dragon Age series. If you're a mage the paladins keep a sample of your blood in something called a phylactery, and that can be used to track you down. There's even a quest or two about mages trying to destroy their phylacteries before escaping.
Similarly, if you plan a jailbreak it would be highly beneficial to destroy the blood/hair sample first. As a matter of fact i can even see a thieves guild hiring a low level party to take out the sample while the professional infiltrators get the prisoner out. Keep in mind both events must be done at the same time, otherwise the guards will just collect a new sample or would have already taken it to the wizard.
But guards aren't the only ones with resources. A loan shark could keep blood samples of his debtors, a mobster can keep one of those who owe him favors, etc. And the blood is ceremoniously returned only when the debt is fully paid.
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Teleportation Circle (5th), Transport Via Plants (6th).
In other words, long range teleportation. This is such a huge thing that it is hard to properly explain how important it is.
Teleportation Circle creates a 10ft. circle, and everyone has one round to get in and appear on the target location. Assuming 30ft. movement that means you can get 192 people through, which is a lot of potential merchants going across any distance. Or 672 people dashing.
Math note: A 30ft radius square around a 10ft. diameter square, minus the 4 original squares. Or [(6*2+2)^2]-4 squares of 5ft. each. Hence 192 people.
Getting hundreds of merchants, workers, soldiers, etc. across any distance is nothing to scoff at. In fact, it could help explain why PHB item prices are so standardized: Arbitrage is so easy and cheap that price differences across multiple markets become negligible. Unless of course countries start setting up tax collectors outside of the permanent teleportation circles in order to charge tariffs.
Transport Via Plants does something very similar but it requires 5ft of movement to go through, which means less people can be teleported. On the other hand it doesn't burn 50gp and can take you to any tree the druid is familiar with, making it nearly impossible for tax collectors to be waiting on the other side. Unfortunately druids tend to be a lot less willing to aid smugglers, so your best bet might be a bard using spells that don't belong to his list.
With these methods of long range teleportation not only does trade get easier, but it also becomes possible to colonize or inhabit far away places. For instance if someone finds a gold mine in the antarctic you could set up a mine and bring food and other supplies via teleportation.
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Major Image (6th level slot).
Major Image is a 3rd level spell that creates an illusion over a 20ft cube, complete with image, sound, smell and temperature. When cast with a 6th level slot or higher, it lasts indefinitely.
That my friends, is a huge spell. Why get the world's best painter to decorate the ceiling of your cathedral when you can just get an illusion made in six seconds?
The uses for decorating large buildings is already good, but remember: we're not restricted to sight.
Cast this on a room and it'll always be cool and smell nice. Inns would love that, as would anyone who always sleeps or works in the same room. Desert cities have never been so chill.
You can even use an illusion to make the front of your shop seem flashier, while hollering on loop to bring customers in.
The only limit to this spell is your imagination, though I'm pretty sure it was originally made just to hide secret passages.
Trivia: the ki-rin (VGM163) can cast Major Image as a 6th level spell, at will. It's probably meant to give them fabulous lairs yet all it takes is someone doing the holy horsey a big favor, and it could enchant the whole city in a few hours. Shiniest city on the planet, always at a nice temperature and with a fragrance of lilac, gooseberries or whatever you want.
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Simulacrum (7th).
Spend 12 hours and 1500gp worth of ruby dust, and get a clone of yourself. Notably, each caster can only have one simulacrum, regardless of who the person he cloned is.
How this changes the world? By allowing the rich and powerful to be in two places at once. Kings now have a perfect impersonator who thinks just like them. A wealthy banker can run two branches of his company. Etc.
This makes life much easier, but also competes with Continual Flame over resources.
It also gives "go fuck yourself" a whole new meaning, making the sentence a valid Suggestion.
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Clone (8th).
If there's one spell i despise, its Clone.
Wizard-only preemptive resurrection. Touch spell, costs 1.000gp worth of diamonds each time, takes 120 days to come into effect, and creates a copy of the creature that the soul occupies if the original dies. Oh, and the copy can be made younger.
Why is it so despicable? Because it makes people effectively immortal. Accidents and assassinations just get you sent to the clone, and old age can be forever delayed because you keep going back to younger versions of yourself. Being a touch spell means the wizard can cast it on anyone he wants.
In other words: high level wizards, and only wizards, get to make anyone immortal.
That means wizards will inevitably rule any world in which this spell exists.
Think about it. Rulers want to live forever. Wizards can make you live forever. Wizards want other stuff, which you must give them if you want to continue being Cloned. Rulers who refuse this deal eventually die, rulers who accept stick around forever. Natural selection makes it so that eventually the only rulers left are those who sold their soul to wizards. Figuratively, i hope.
The fact that there are only a handful of wizards out there who are high enough level to cast the spell means its easier for them organize and/or form a cartel or union (cartels/unions are easier to maintain the fewer suppliers are involved).
This leads to a dystopian scenario where mages rule, kings are authoritarian pawns and nobody else has a say in anything. Honestly it would make for a fun campaign in and of itself, but unless that's specifically what you're going for it'll just derail everything else.
Oh, and Clone also means any and all liches are absolute idiots. Liches are people who turned themselves into undead abominations in order to gain eternal life at the cost of having to feed on souls. They're all able to cast 9th level wizard spells, so why not just cast an 8th level one and keep undeath away? Saves you the trouble of going after souls, and you keep the ability to enjoy food or a day in the sun.
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Demiplane (8th).
Your own 30ft. room of nothingness. Perfect place for storage and a DM's nightmare given how once players have access to it they'll just start looting furniture and such. Oh the horror.
But alas, infinite storage is not the reason this is a broken spell. No sir.
Remember: you can access someone else's demiplane. That means a caster in city 1 can put things into a demiplane, and a caster in city 2 can pull them out of any surface.
But wait, there's more! There's nothing anywhere saying you can't have two doors to the same demiplane open at once. Now you're effectively opening a portal between two places, which stays open for a whole hour.
But wait, there's even more! Anyone from any plane can open a door to your neat little demiplane. Now we can get multiple casters from multiple planes connecting all of those places, for one hour. Sure this is a very expensive thing to do since you're having to coordinate multiple high level individuals in different planes, but the payoff is just as high. We're talking about potential integration between the most varied markets imaginable, few things in the multiverse are more valuable or profitable. Its a do-it-yourself Sigil.
One little plot hook i like about demiplanes is abandoned/inactive ones. Old wizard/warlock died, and nobody knows how to access his demiplanes. Because he's at least level 15 you just know there's some good stuff in there, but nobody can get to it. Now the players have to find a journal, diary, stored memory or any other way of knowing enough about the demiplane to access it.
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True Polymorph (9th).
True Polymorph. The spell that can turn any race into any other race, or object. And vice-versa. You can go full fairy godmother and turn mice into horses. For a spell that can change anything about one's body it would not be an unusual ruling to say it can change one's sex. At the very least it can turn a man into a chair, and the chair into a woman (or vice-versa of course).
But honestly, that's just the tip of the True Polymorph iceberg. Just read this more carefully:
> You transform the creature into a different creature, the creature into a nonmagical object, or the object into a creature
This means you can turn a rock or twig into a human. A fully functional human with, as far as the rules go, a soul. You can create life.
But wait, there's more! Nothing there says you have to turn the target into a known creature on an existing creature. The narcissist bard wants to create a whole race of people who look like him? True Polymorph. A player wants to play a weird ass homebrew race and you have no idea how it would fit into the setting? True Polymorph. Wizard needs a way to quickly populate a kingdom and doesn't want to wait decades for the subjects to grow up? True Polymorph. Warlock must provide his patron 100 souls in order to free his own? True Polymorph. The sorcerer wants to do something cool? Fuck that guy, sorcerers don't get any of the fun high level spells; True Poly is available to literally every arcane caster but the sorcerer.
Note: what good is Twinned Spell if all the high level twinnable spells have been specifically made unavailable to sorcerers?
Do keep in mind however that this brings a whole new discussion on human rights. Does a table have rights? Does it have rights after being turned into a living thing? If it had an owner, is it now a slave? Your country will need so many new laws, just to deal with this one spell.
People often say that high level wizards are deities for all intents and purposes. This is the utmost proof of that. Clerics don't get to create life out of thin air, wizards do. The cleric worships a deity, the wizard is the deity.
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Conclusion.
Intelligent creatures not only can game the system, but it is entirely in character for them to do so. I'll even argue that if humanoids don't use magic to improve their lives when it's available, you're pushing the suspension of disbelief.
With this post i hope to have helped you make more complex and realistic societies, as well as provide a few interesting and unusual plot hooks
Lastly, as much as i hate comment begging i must admit i am eager to see what spells other players think can completely change the world. Because at the end of the day we all know that extra d6 damage is not what causes empires to rise and fall, its the utility spells that make the best stories.
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Edit: Added spell level to all spells, and would like to thank u/kaul_field for helping with finishing touches and being overall a great mod.

This is the second chapter of my fanfic. Hope you like it. Enjoy!
Chapter 2
King is a hardcore gamer
ooo
The man who had overwhelming luck was thinking.
Where to even begin to describing the view in front of him.
He was summoned to parallel world... where your life depends on games.
And they were in the middle of a forest that is probably home to many unknown creatures.
Not to mention this world was looking completely different from isekai worlds he read in the mangas.
His best friend was kneeling and crying for unknown reason. He was complaining to him that he would miss bargain day at the supermarket if he stays any longer in this world.
“This is very dangerous situation.” King thought. Do you know why this is that dangerous ? Not because he is stuck in world new to him and surrounded by mythological creatures, not because he probably will never see his home again, it was because of if Saitama goes crazy whole world's survival possibility would be zero (especially his survival possibility).
Surely that was already at the highest level in term of bad luck, right?
Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
“DAMN IIIT! I will find that sassy child and when I find him, I'll beat him until he takes us home.” Saitama said with a crazy facial expression and with voice that shook entire forest. His whole body was shaking because of anger. All of sudden Saitama took a position. “See you in town in the evening.” He said to King. King understood what Saitama will do and tried to stop him. Unfortunately it was too late. “I AM COMING YOU SHITTY BRAT!” These were last words King heard before baldy disappeared. Saitama started running. He ran so fast to point that a part of forest flatten and this caused dust everywhere. A small crater had formed where Saitama started running. In the dust, King was looking desperately at his running friend. In less than 2 seconds, an explosion occurred informing that the sound barrier had been exceeded.
King sat on the ground with his face whitened.
Let's evaluate the situation.
He is in forest which is completely foreign. That is not problem since it is noon. And if he is lucky, he can leave forest before night. So, this wasn't problem.
Last time he ate 6 hours ago. And he is now hungry. Very very hungry. Last few minutes he barely stood conscious. Normally King was not hungry often, and when he was hungry he ate junk food while playing. But now he was teleported to another world immediately after training. The only thing they could bring from their own world was the latest model phone and game console. But their battery wouldn't last more than a day. Ok, just forget about hunger and you will be good.
Saitama leaved him seconds ago. Ok, that's not problem either. Saitama can take care of himself. Also according guy who bring them to this world to kill or rob someone is forrbidden. So he is safe too (at least assuming people of this world follow rules).
So everything is fine, right? Right?
“Who the hell am I kidding with!?” King felt like his head was going to explode while crying to sky.
He did not know how big the forest was or what dangers he would face on the road.
Even if he could leave the forest, he had no place to stay. He would probably die of hunger in this place.
But he tried to calm down himself. This kind of act was useless in this situation. After recovering a bit, he remembered Saitama talking about a city. “Now I think about it, I saw town while falling back then, didn't I?” he gladly muttered under his breath. He could go to town and want help from somebody!
He started moving in the direction he remembered, but suddenly his whole body froze. “The strongest man” felt like numerous eyes were looking at him from all sides. Persumably , each of them was just as horrible as the dragon he had just seen few minutes ago. And he lost hope... again.
“What would others do in a situation like this ?” King made full use of all his brain cells. He already was biting his nails and thinking despairingly.
“Faced with the overwhelming power of hornets, bees will unleash whatever little power they have in their stingers; skunks and hedgehogs can overcome physical disparities using their abilities, yet here I am, challenging nature with my weak and limited body.”
“If it’s him, if it’s Saitama bro… what would he do ?” he thought pensivly and sat down on a big rock.
Wind blows Flashback
A building with lights on in a completely abandoned city. Someone's deep voice could be heard from the inside house. - “Limits, you say? But who decides one's limits? And based on what, exactly? You said you worked as hard as you can? Well, then maybe you just need to work a little harder. Is this really the limit of your strength, or could the you of tomorrow beat you today? Instead of giving in, just move forward.”
“These are words I said that guy, hahaha.” Saitama (normal voice) lauged cheerfully while Genos and King were listening him with admiration.
Although Genos knew Saitama, all this was new to King, and it was moment that King realised that Saitama is more than just punching.(and King completely ingores fact that Saitama actually remembered some of his past adventures)
End of Flashback
“Just move onward? This should be easy for Saitama, but for me?” the strongest man was fighting against himself mentally. At the end he decided.
“I guess I have not any other choise.” King gave breath, which he never knew was holding. He stood calmly and started walking towards the city. While all this was happening, he didn't realize he was being watched by someone.
10 minutes later
Someone was wailing. No, no it wasn't King. It was the naked trio sitting under the tree. “Why does this always happen to us?” said sitting in front. “The guys we challenged here for the first time defeated us and took everything we had. And now same thing happening again. first, Imanity's future king and queen, now a person we could not even imagine in our dreams.” Leader of thieves' hit his fist the ground after finishing monologue.
Flashback
“It is surprising that you are crying like that after trying steal.” Man who beated them spoke in emotionless voice. The thieves stopped immediately. They didn't want to annoy the man in front of them any more. That man was crying "power" with his whole existence. A power beyond comprehension and imagination, a power that made thieves' skin riddle with goosebumps. Not to mention strange sound echoing everywhere. Although it was like heartbeat, currently it sounded like voice from the deepest part of hell. With every passing second, this person's overwhelming presence increased. As if, he will kill them with the worst possible way. It made them feel like even 10 pledge can't prevent him. There is no way this guy was human.
The existence that had human's appearance spoke slowly “Get lost.”
End of the flashback
King was walking while trying to understand what had just happened.
Few minutes ago
A few minutes after starting to walk King realised that he has red juice in his jacket's pocket. He couldn't understand why he didn't notice this earlier. Probably it was because of stress. Wanting to quench his hunger and thirst, King started drinking juice. But luck was never on his side(at least he felt like that). As soon as he started drinking, he got stuck on a small rock and fell. His entire upper part was painted red because of the juice. He sighed and continued on his way.
As King walked, his heart was beating harder from fatigue(still not "King Engine" level). He had taken a few steps when he started to hear rustling in the forest. Just after the rustle stopped, 3 men jumped in front of him.
“Do you want to tackle this the hard way or the easy way?” One of the trio said in a prominent self-righteous expression.
“Huh?!” King looked at them in confusion.
“So, the hard way! We challenge you! If you lose your everything is ours.” King finally understood what is happening. Those in front of him were a few idiots who wanted to challenge him in games. At first he was afraid that they were thieves, but he was relieved to see that they had not attacked him.
“Now, decide what to play.” After hearing this King remembered - "5. The challenged party has the right to decide the rules of the game."
“Look, I have nothing on me right now. But if you want, I can bet my life.” With a grin on his face, King said as he moved towards them. He could not believe what he said right now, but when it comes to games, he had full confidence.
“What's wrong with this guy? He bet his life out of nowhere and acts as if it was nothing.” The thieves thought quietly. Something was off about this man.
“So, I have right to decide game, right ? This will be piece of cake.” Right after having these sentences in his mind, King's fell again and reason was same. A little stone.
“How much worse can it get today!? I want to destroy whole Earth!” King shouted with anger as he stood nervously.
To get his anger out of the stone, he took it in his hand and threw it into the unseen part of the forest with all his might. And suddenly ... BOOM! One of the mountains in the direction the rock was thrown collapsed.
“Whaaat?” This was all thievs' could think. Who was the person in front of them? They immediately looked at the stranger with a frightened expression.
But King was even more scared. What just happened ? How did he do this ? There were ten kilometers between him and the mountain.
Although he tried to look as unfazed as possible, his heart started to beat and the sound of the famous "King engine" started to be heard by everyone around.
Although the gang of thieves were afraid, they were sure that he couldn't hurt them as long as there were 10 Pledge. However , at the next moment something caught their attention. The man was covered in blood and had a scar on his left eye. How was this possible ?! He couldn't have killed someone because of 10 Covenants. But even assuming that it wasn't blood, that didn't explain the scar. Unless... The souls of the trio came out of their bodies. Unless this man was older than 6000 years old. So he wasn't human ?(this would explain how he is that strong too)
The sound echoing around seemed to answer their question(King Engine). Human couldn't make sound like that. Yet it was too late to surrender. They had bet everything they had.
Seeing that the trio remained silent, King decided to ignore what had just happened and took the game console out of his pocket.
ooo
Meanwhile in the capital of Elkia
It was a beautiful day.
The blazing midday sun shone relentlessly on the hikers.
The blue sky was dotted with fluffy white clouds that drifted lazily in the gentle breeze.
But even on such a day, Elkia's king and queen chose to stay in their rooms and play games.
Despite this, there was a certain red-haired woman who is bothering them and trying to force them to work.
“Hey you two!” As soon as she opened the door, Stephania Dola started yelling. “You two should have been dealing with the nobility right now.”
A tall and lean young man with spiky black hair(Sora) and a cute pale-skinned girl with very long messy white hair(Shiro) didn't seem to care.
“Nah, I don't care” Sora said without taking his eyes off the game.
“You can do this. Good Steph.” Shiro said while treating Stephania like a dog.
“Aaaaa! I'm sick of you two! I swear if If you don't do your deeds anymore, I will destroy the whole kingdom on your head.” Tearful Stephania comically shouted.
Sora wanted to open his mouth and say something when suddenly... BOOM!
The whole castle started to shake. The walls cracked and felt like they were going to be dust now.
Trying to pull his balance, Sora stuck to Steph's collar.
“Are you doing this?!” frightened Sora said in a shaking voice.
Stephania - “Of course No! How can I do this?! It was just joke.”
Sora - “Then what is this? Divine justice?”
Shiro - “Maybe an earthquake?”
Stephania - “This is impossible. Elkia settled in an area free from earthquakes. The last recorded earthquake was 900 years ago.”
The earthquake that seemed like eternity stopped after 5 seconds. Not even a second passed, the door opened sharply.
“Masters! Are you okay?!” A woman who looked like an angel instantly asked. Woman had long purple-pink hair that reaches down to her knees and two white wings protruding near her hips. Her pupils were purple surrounded by a gold iris. Her ears were wing-shaped and she also had a halo over her head. “JIBRIIL! Jibril , is this your doing?!” Sora jumped on Jibril to strangle her while saying this.
“No. I would never try to do something like that.”
“Oh, is that so?” Knowing that Jibril would never lie, Sora calmed down. “So, what happened? As your master I command you to find this.”
“As you wish my master” Jibril slightly bowed her head. She closed her eyes, sharpened all her senses with magic.
When she opened her eyes again, there was a confused expression on her face.
“The mountain in the northwestern has collapsed.”
ooo
It was clear who was the winner of the games. King had completely devastated his opponents. To be honest , the game was not fair. Even a 3-year-old could beat someone who had never seen a game console in his life.
“It is surprising that you are crying like that after trying "Steal".”
Despite being one of the most powerful abilities in the game, using the "steal" was still high risk. If the player could use the ability correctly, he could seize the opponent's weapon. But this move was consuming an enormous amount of energy, and there was a possibility that something else could be accidentally seize.
In the thieves' case, this was the bomb King was prepared to use. The bomb that exploded in their hands caused King to win the game. In fact, King wasn't sure if they were using this ability knowing it or pressing random buttons.
King suddenly remembered that a yearly event in the game would start on this day. Ignoring the crying thieves(still doesn't know they are thieve), he started playing the game. After clearing all the opponents in a short time, he finally reached the boss and he said in a voice that could discourage even the bravest man “Get lost”.
And the trio started running out of nowhere. They ran as if they were running for their lives.
Surprised King tried to stop them, but the rumbling of his stomach cut him halfway.
“I'm starving.” he put his hand on his stomach. Just as he was about to give up on eating today, something caught his eye. It was stuff trio leaved there. He saw the cookies among the items.
“I guess life isn't that bad.” After the short thought he started eating.
While eating, he started thinking about the information he had learned before starting the game with the previous ones.
It seems that this world is ruled by Tet.
The 10 rules were irreversible no matter how much someone wanted.
The region where he is currently in is called Elkia.
Recently, two young human named Sora and Shiro were declared king and queen of Imanity. Also they recently defeated the Eastern union and forced them to join the Commonwealth of Elkia.
“They should be pretty good at games.” King thought.
There was "Ixseed" term which refers to the 16 sentient races of Disboard whom the Ten Covenants apply to. They were ranked based on their affinity to magic. And Imanity was the lowest ranked.
The top 6 races were regarded as "Life" and "Living beings" while the bottom 10 races are regarded as "Creatures" and "Living things".
“What a cruel system.” As soon as he finished his last bite, he set out for the city. He was relaxed as he now has money.
“Hey King! Finally I found you.” Someone called from the side.
When King realized who the voice belonged to, he instantly turned his head towards.
“Hey Saitama bro! Where were you ? Leaving me like that wasn't nice.”
“Ahhh. Sorry about that.” Saitama said with deadpan face.
After seeing that Saitama wasn't really sorry, King sighed. Then they started walking together.
“Well, did you do what you wanted to do? I hope you didn't hurt anyone.” the strongest man asked.
The real strongest man scratched on his head. “No, although I searched the whole country, I couldn't find him. It is like he doesn't even live in this world” Then Saitama's face darkened. “And about your second question...”
Few minutes after Saitama leaved King
Seen from the sky, a yellow line was moving and leaving behind a large dust line.
Saitama was running like he was crazy.
“Where is that brat? Where is he ? I am already late to sale!” Saitama was so busy thinking about this that he didn't realize he was running on the water right now. When he came to himself, he was approaching the end of the great lake.
“Oh, no” Saitama thought as he saw village at the end of lake. If he had passed there at this speed he would have destroyed everything. And right now he had no money to pay the damage. This was probably one of the most difficult situations in his life.
Everything slowed down suddenly and Saitama started thinking. He could not maneuver left or right in time because of the water. Stopping was not an option either, as the friction of the water was very low.
“I can't go right, I can't go left, I can't stop.” Saitama clenched his teeth. “What should I do ?”
He abruptly realized what he had to do. Question wasn't "What should he do?". Question was "Where should he go?".
“Up! I have to go up.” Saitama shouted as he jumped forward. However he made a small mistake. He hadn't calculated where to land. And as a result, he hit a huge mountain at hypersonic speeds and collapsed it.
Current timeline
“Nevermind about it” Saitama said with cheerful tone.
“He looks very suspicious” King thought. But now was not the time to wrangle.
They had reached the city.

So my run through of the seasons continues, this time with Battle of the Bloodlines. I put a TL:DR or overall thoughts down at the bottom if you don't want to go through each episode. Check my posting history if you want to check out the past seasons I've been through so far.
Thanks for reading these, they're fun to make and make going through the seasons more enjoyable.
EP 1:
I thought Camila was short, but she seems a head taller than her sister. Damn
Not surprised Jenna is back.
I feel like if they were going for a season of bloodlines they could have tried for more vets or big names from the challenge to at least use it as an excuse to get some people back. It seems like they went the easiest route possible and got half of the previous season and some rookies and a whole bunch of pointless add ons.
I'm really worried I'm not going to like how this show changes moving forward... lol
Fucking Johnny and his god damn speeches
Oh, I didn't even recognize Kellyanne.
Damn, the son is coming up and they're still just drinking and hanging out
"Expect the most maniacal twists" after literally the first thing resembling a twist ever happens
Why were we robbed of Cohutta and Kellyanne, or even Nany on Exes 2, rather than fucking Bananas
Caught a weird angle on Christina and really thought they snuck Casey on the season for a second.
I really never understand the people that come on here and literally think they can openly cheat. Like God damn, how do you have anyone trust you if you think you can get away with it on a show let alone real life?
Guy who is cheating says they didn't hook up, girl who doesn't care says they did lol
Coming in and throwing out shit like "typical woman move" is definitely the way to come in as rookies lol
He literally has nothing to say
Angry drunk casting strikes again
Imagine coming in this game with a family member as a teammate and going out for fighting with the same family member lmao
Wait...is this the house from Seasons? Or another season? I recognize those stairs that Sam got pushed down right beside of!
He didn't hit you Shane, but I'm preeeetty sure you hit him a few times.
THEY get the clear? Pffft production is so damn wishy washy
So you thought Jenna being worthless was so entertaining you thought it a great idea to bring her just as useless cousin on with her. Great.
Rules must be stopping them from collecting water from the moat that has collected around the hill lol Just fall over and go "Oops, I must have picked up a little extra."
Leroy even mad at his damn sibling!
God damn, Johnny is murdering this.
Oh no people may be trying to come for Johnny? Unfair! lol
I seriously can't take the cartoon drawing on Nicole that she calls makeup.
Seems weird to have male and female days when there is multiple teams with both male or both female. If it's a female day do the all guy teams not even try because it doesn't matter? I'm confused? This seems dumb.
Having the rookie make a speech about putting someone up because they're a rookie? lol seems smart
Vince starting shit lol
EP 2:
I'm only just starting episode 2 and I think I hate this season. This may be my least favorite cast from the jump.
Uhhhh, did Cara just give a Hand Job to some RUTO random, WHILE SHE'S DATING ABRAM?!?! What in the shit Cara?!?! Cara just plummeted in my mind. Eeeesh
Every time I see Jenna and Brianna I suddenly get struck with a wave disgruntlement.
I hate this cast.
Starting off early with the eating challenges. I'm ok with this.
Interesting that they chose to do this role/position aspect randomly. Doesn't usually seem like their thing.
It'd be weird to have the snake cuddling around with you, but I honestly can't see being all that freaked out about it. The bugs definitely has the worst end of the bargain.
How are they possibly going to determine the worse out of this lmao first to give up?
Eh, some people didn't do near as bad as I thought. Kellyanne seemed to struggle going in but looked to blow it away.
Jenna and Brianna continue to prove their worthlessness.
Again, don't understand the discrepency between the girl/guy days. Could the girls literally have just not tried because they assumed it was a guy's day? This seems so dumb.
Wow, Kelleyanne looked like she killed it. Shocked she was at the bottom of guy teams.
With the way Cara was orchestrating the helping of Cohutta last episode I'm assuming Johnny is going in against Cohutta? Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up.
Oh, I guess she's just going to Cohutta and seeing who they want.
Ugh, I hate this fuckin' cast. These twins just seem like all talk. Notice they get all snappy with Cara, but even though it was Cohutta that called them out they don't go to him at all?
Awe, Cara has Diem on her arm.
Nany just blowing up Cara's spot. So I'm assuming Cara was thinking there was no cameras in the bus and then suddenly Johnny has a gopro and suddenly Thomas needs to go?
God damn. Nany's sister looks like a damn cartoon character with her makeup.
I feel like Aneesa is trying to get Jenna/Brianna to quit lol "She's not even cute!"
Again, why. Why the fuck was Jenna brought back and why the fuck did they think her trainwreck cousin was worth bringing on with her?
I agree with Cohutta, these people are insanely crazy. Fucking hell.
I feel like Cohutta is doing terribely with this Elim. He's not even trying for the ball. Once he tackles him he just wraps him up and sits there.
Wait wait wait wait. Someone just talked about wanting to quit and only staying for their cousin and you're going to switch up teams to where she has no motivation to stay? What?!
EP 3:
Ok, so they're doing Survivor style swaps. Teams of two now swapping to two big teams. I'm ok with this.
As much as I hate Johnny, Cara is smart to grab Johnny first.
Cara's cousin is looking at this much smarter. It's more about saddling your team with the worse people than it is about picking the best.
Cara's team is getting fucked right now with these picks lmao Candice, Brianna, AND Aneesa's family member. That team is fucked. Was Johnny not trying to help with the picks at all? I can't imagine he'd be quiet.
I'm loving the recycling of challenges from the last couple seasons.
I was about to ask why Cara looked like the least secure person to jump but then I remembered she has a height fear.
Did they literally get Candice to walk off the challenge and directly in to a confessional? lol They wanted to get the shot with the blood.
I like this voting mechanic. That's gonna be rough.
Nany just randomly voting Aneesa just to be a bitch lol
Camila don't fuck around with her politics. You wanna throw out her name you better
Nany, you didn't vote for Larissa, but you also threw away your vote instead of voting for Jenna. I feel like you took some notes from Johnny. Also, I again bring up the fact that Nany and Johnny were kissing Jenna's ass at the last reunion.
These fuckin' throwaway votes lol Aneesa and Nany are playing bitchy. Not voting against Camila doesn't do shit if you could have voted for the next closest person.
Ok, at least the team came around to their senses. I don't know what they were thinking.
The way it was being determined I thought maybe they were done with the representing aspect in the elim, but calling Camila and Briana up makes me wonder if it will be Camila vs Jenna.
Jenna wins one elimination and wants to be cocky lmao
Hope this Tony dude is ok, but I'm perfectly fine with Shane/Tony going. Bye.
EP 4:
Shocked by Candice and Leroy. The big toe stops you from competing?! I would think it'd be more out of fear of the lip busting open again and getting worse.
Guess I was wrong about the representation aspect in the Elims. Makes it a lot easier to get rid of strong players with just voting in their weaker partner.
I really wish they didn't make so many elims dependant on body weight and size.
Bye Camila. You got screwed. I would have actually liked seeing Camila vs Jenna in the same elim.
"We're going to be here to the final." "Yup, probably." Good enthusiasm Brianna lmao
Oh no, Johnny lost two of his numbers in one night. :c
Eeeeeeesh, Every time I see this Cara/Thomas shit I just cringe super fucking hard. Jesus.
So many damn people cheating on this show. God damn!
I love when people are completely opposite what they show from their confessionals lmao Cory, all over Aneesa, gets told by his partner to shape up. Gets in confessional "She's showing me she's more childish then I thought. I'm gonna put an end to that." -Jennifer Lawrence ok.gif
Nany and Johnny are definitely the cheifs of hooking up and not really letting it effect their games lol
Damn, another pair gone.
Oh shit. Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT Huge fucking eye emoji. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Abram, coming in to this house right now is fucking hilarious. Cara, just straight awkward.... Oh fuck hahaha
This season JUST GOT INTERSTING!
Oh god the awkwardness. I love it!
Johnny and Nany fucking loving it!
Abram doesn't look like he's in the best of shape though...
Cara shockingly doesn't look happy or excited.
AND Trivia? Best episode ever?!
I feel like they've asked this 60/60/60 angle questions multiple times now. I wonder if it's a trivia staple. I also don't think anyone's gotten it right.
God, I hate so much of this cast. But hey Abram is here and I am so ready for this drama.
5 sides on a stop sign? What?!
Fake face girl of all people winning it for the red team? Shocked.
Damn, I thought trivia was going long but that's the end of the episode?
EP 5:
What a weird place to pick up on an episode. It's like the old half hour episode days.
"I wouldn't lose a day of sleep if Banana's fell off a cliff." I knew I liked Abram.
What....just happened? Did Abram's brother volunteer to go in to Elim? Like...why? The crazy gene is strong with this family.
Cara STILL hanging around with Thomas. What is in this chick's head?!
Kellyanne...
"I don't want to talk to that bitch(aneesa) either." Cory going downhill fast.
You think Aneesa is dumb enough to fall for this obvious politicking kiss ass? You dumb rookies.
Aneesa, don't be stupid.
I'd usually be all for newbies coming in and fucking shit up, but most of these rookies are just annoying as hell.
"You're showing your true colors." Cory, you literally only even talked to Aneesa to get a vote. Who's true colors were seen?
"Nobodies afraid ladies." These twins are nothing but mouth.
I don't even know who this Anthony guy is... lol
Mitch looks like he's about to cry when this Anthony guy votes for him.
It sucks that so many people went home so quicky because I feel like the format didn't get to play out as well as it could have. They're basically forced now to vote for alliances rather than trying to weaken or strengthen teams. Which I think is the best part of the teams/pair aspect of this system.
Johnny is a douchebag, but Dario and Raphy are really not ones to talk lol
TJ just smiling and nodding watching it all. I love TJ lmao
Throwing off his mic. Isn't that like a big no no? I remember everyone jumping in and trying to help Jasmine when she almost did that. Like they didn't care before that, but as soon as she went for her mic everyone jumped on her to stop her.
Them being mad at Aneesa is fucking hilarious. You guys basically dogged her and only talked to her for her vote. Ya'll are idiots.
They're saying the vote was in Aneesas hands, but are they going on the assumption that Mike would have voted for himself? Because even with Aneesa's vote the decision was off by 2?
"Did they ask you if you saw them come out of the bathroom?" God damn Cara. What the shit. This isn't even like the Paula situation, where Yes Paula was shit for what she did, but Ty was pressing that shit constantly and it was weeks of it. Cara was hooking up with this dude like a week in. God damn chick.
I remember thinking early on that Kellyanne seemed more mature and stable than a lot of people on the cast, from seasons like The Island or Ruins, but I feel like she's just gotten more childish and insecure as seasons go on? Aneesa's acting just as stupid in this episode, but Kellyanne just seems kind of like the desperate girl trying to get attention from all the popular guys or something. It's a weird energy.
Jenna not considering things racist? Color me shocked.
"2020's in hindsight." That's definitely not the saying, but god do I wish Kellyanne.
I can't express how hilarious it would be for the twins to lose this lmao
Using only his arms lol, what a dumbass
Oh fuck. His damn foot slips! He fucking had it!
Hahahahaha the bitch twins gave up and tried to wine about the yellow hitting the line lmao
What idiots. All mouth, and then they're mouths get them the loss. Wow
Aneesa, wise the fuck up. Cory just wants your vote at this point.
EP 6:
Oh shit, A Dirty little secret. Ominous episode title!!!!!
Johnny at yoga is pretty funny, not gonna lie
I love Abram's hate for Johnny. He calls it true! "False friendships, selling people up river, just false to your face." So true!
Love the Johnny hate Abram, but you're definitely letting emotion effect the game my dude.
People can't stop talking about Cara/Thom. lol How is she not walking around this house with an ulser with worry of who's going to say something.
I would love nothign more than the guys get to a challenge and TJ just saying "First thing first, Cara we have to address something." I would love nothing more than for TJ just to put the drama out there RIGHT before a challenge.
Its challenges like this that really shows the benefit of vets and experience.
Kellyanne offering to go in? Saves time I guess.
Johnny, I understand not wasting the time in fighting for Nany in deliberations, but to vote for her is just stupid and pointless. You're not gaining any face with people already gunning for you by voting for someone who everyone knows you're aligned with. You're doing yourself a diservice voting for Nany. You're just being stupid.
Like Nany says, throwing his vote away would just back up what he's said for years. He's so loyal isn't he?!
I had genuinely no idea who Anthony was lol
"No matter what I do is the wrong thing." Well yeah, when you do shit that makes no sense but is some weird veiled attempt at supporting your team or garnering favor. You're a dumbass and just as much talk as Raphy and Dario
Who the hell is Cara talking to? Who is Jamie?!?
It's been two seasons of Nany crying over Johnny, yes she still has feelings for him.
He didn't want to make his girlfriend mad hahahahahahaha Johnny's been the one to talk up in the reunions how people hide from cameras to fuck and all this shit. Not voting for a friend is the most hilarious copout that is so empty.
Fuuuuuck, 50 times?! This is a better test of endurance. Damn. I think Nany has this one easily.
Oh god, AND Kellyanne has some kind of chest cold? Good luck chick.
Kellyanne actually won. I'm shocked. The comp having a bell on each side actually made it easier than I thought. I was thinking it was only on one end.
I'm happy to have Nany's sister out of the house lol
Hahaha I love Johnny basically saying "come at me" with this Cara secret. Let this alliance see if it can stick shit out. You have a crazy guy on your house just waiting to blow up lol It's dirty, but I love it.
EP 7:
Cara continuing to just call it flirtation is great.
Wait wait wait. Is Johnny really just having his Cousin go out there and blow it up? You giant pussy! Johnny wanting to keep his hands clean and leaving it up to someone with no fucking sense of even how to talk.
Cara, you suck ass.
Cara just trying to pass it off as trying to get further in the game is really a shit way to handle this lol What a way to try and pass your shitty behavior off as "gameplay"
"I did say that, Johnny." "It's cool Abe!" Johnny not in power is so much better than Johnny in power.
Abram is straight chaos and I love it. It has saved this season.
Aneesa how the hell long have you done these. What weak shit.
Cara needing stuff to be easier for her is hilariously sad.
Abram is insane, and I fucking love it.
I feel like Abram came in with the entire mindset of wanting Cara to win. Him and his partner wanting to go in to elim as soon as they got there, him wanting to get Johnny out and not wanting Cara to team with him. I think his whole mindset was to go in and just help Cara.
Of all the things to NOT have Abram himself being in the elim?! Destroying shit! That would have been hilarious to see.
Fucking "Home wrecker" Wooooooooooow
This elim is fucking awesome.
Abram causes himself to get a bloody nose lmao
Can we just talk about Abram barking like a dog and quietly in the back ground Jenna and Briana are spinning in circles? What?!
Stephen literally can't even get through the tiniest table hahaha
This is not even close. This is so damn sad.
Motivational crazy Abram is my favorite Abram
Oh Cara, come on. You're just now going to talk all about this breaking up shit and saying Abram there is harder for you in the game. Just be real, you're upset your new cuddle buddy left and you're upset Abram came in to make it awkward for you on tv. That being said though, why were you even still with him? lol dude is crazy. But you don't cheat on the dude!
EP 8:
Throwing it for Kellyanne? Johnny wouldn't even talk during deliberation for Nany lmao
At least everyone is clearly talking about how shitty Johnny is with his game. He's dirty, but he talks like he's a damn saint lol
I am continually shocked everytime this Jamie dude shows up on the screen lmao
Wait wait wait wait. CT and Diem's sister are joining the game? I'm about to fucking cry! It seems stupid late in the game to impliment a new team, but it's CT! I don't care!
No colored shirts, probably just an audible on the specific challenge.
I'm going to cry! "Do it for D!" I love CT!
Faith seems more interesting and has more screen presence in like one confessional than half this bloodlines cast lol
I'm pretty sure they just gave Aneesa the "Complete" but she looked like she fell a whole square before the yellow line...
Johnny "helping" lol This is my issue with Johnny. He can't just do shit in the open. He talks so much shit about Wes throwing shit, but he had a reason to and he owned it. You couldn't even talk during deliberations to help Nany and pass it off as saving face with a team, then not wanting to upset your girlfriend. But here you are throwing a competition and sabotaging other players to help a different girl. You're fake as hell and you just hide from it so plainly. It's disgusting.
I never remember who this Jamie guy is but at least he's calling Kellyanne rightfully out.
Hahahah Johnny's face when they get announced the winner. I love it.
Kellyanne fucked up talking shit lol
There's only 3 people that can go in and only one is going to be safe. There's no real reason to be angry at this point.
Jenna and Brianna getting screwed by Johnny too haha Only now realizing it. Johnny promises everyone everything and just watches as they all go out one by one.
Vince out of nowhere with "I have to go by performance today" haha yeah that sounds like Johnny, not owning up to the reason behind their choices. Had an alliance from the jump with Aneesa/Jenna/Nany and basically two of those are getting screwed over and Kellyanne is moved up the pecking order over everyone because of Anthony lmao You people are so damn dumb.
Kellyanne literally can't even defend Anthony hahaha
Oh here we go, Johnny voting against his alliance people to "save face" haha
I'm happy to see everything is finally coming to head for Johnny. Just wish these people weren't so stupid to believe it in the first place.
CT and Faith!!!!!
Kellyanne came back on the show because of Diem passing? That's actually really sweet. Not sure how true it actually is but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and find it really touching. Kellyanne comes off more authentic than Cara does with her writing Diem on her arm and saying Diem for a trivia answer.
Vince wanting to start shit with CT? lol Dumbass
"I heard me and you would have been competition in the past." "In the past you would have already been knocked out." I love CT
Please tell me Jenna and Brianna are finally gone.
What in the holy hell is Kellyanne doing? lol She blows a huge lead by trying to flip the blocks and worry about their sizes? Jenna just comes in and throws them all up like it's nothing.
Anyone falling for Johnny and his bullshit has no one to blame but themselves. Kellyanne and Anthony just watched Johnny fuck over Nany, why did you think you'd be any different?
EP 9:
Of course Johnny wouldn't like Abram. He's too honest and not willing to believe his bullshit.
"Creepy uncle Vince" This show has a weird track record with Vince's
This is a cool scary challenge lol
Brianna didn't even try. Jesus.
Oh my god these people. Four in a row not trying! What in the hell?! You can't go under fucking water?! Did I miss the description of the task? Were people throwing it to have the fastest swimmers do it?
Abe getting in the box and cracking up. Abram is insane and amazing tv.
Everyone joking about Abram taking the chance to kill Johnny is reallllllly weird?
Some of these comps, I wonder if TJ hates that he even has to be there for them lol They're under water the whole time and TJ just announces when they're out. I'm surprised he's not sitting in a chair under shade having to be reminded to blow the horn.
If you told me at the drawing of teams that Red team would not lose a challenge I would seriously not believe you.
Vince saying he's not worried about it when he's been letting the team down constantly lol Of course he isn't.
Yes! Get rid of Johnny before it goes back to pairs!
Johnny running off to shore up his easy votes like easy. Doesn't give a shit about them, throws them in, but oh wait I can get their vote!
"I just hope you're not just sweet talking me." Jenna, you're a dumbass. He's only talking to you when it comes down to your vote lol Good thing it's Brianna with the vote and not you. She seems to buy less of Johnny's shit.
It's funny how Johnny doesn't play the "rookie" card and "earning stripes" when the rookie and person who's been terrible is tied to his fate.
Fucking Brianna and Jenna. Ya'll are so dumb. You are going to instantly get screwed right after this.
Call em out Abram! Call em out!
I have a feeling Mike is just going to throw this for Cara. Like I said, Abram just seems like he's had the mentality of helping Cara along since he's gotten here.
I get CT again, he was already there....but why Zach? Is it just to show off that he cut his hair off?
Comparing Zach and CT is laughable.
Could you imagine if Johnny was in the pit and was taken out by CT again?!
CT looked like he came in to kill someone in Cutthroat. He looks a lot more relaxed coming in here.
Hahaha Jamie looks like a child in this competition. His head just constantly being pulled against the wall.
Jamie, no matter how often being told, just refuses to use his legs.
"I think I'm nicer than CT" Oh Zach... that's funny. You have two full seasons of screaming at your female team members.
I'm with Aneesa. Hearing "Cuz" and "cousin" this often is just weird.
Of all the eliminations to bring in ringers for, this is kind of a boring one.
There was basically the only real risk left for Cara. I would say they're chalked in for the final at this point if not the win.
EP 10:
(With absolutely zero people paying attention) Vince: "Stupid bar tricks." and tries to blow a ping pong ball in the air, for no apparent reason or directed at anyone? What even is this dude?
Yes, a mini final! I hope this is a new trend of having a mini final every season.
This basically is a final with only 3 teams having any kind of chance at this lmao Aneesa and Jenna and their pairs have jack shit of a chance.
Brianna carrying this weight that looks bigger and heavier than she is! Lmao
"There's rocks on the ground!" Jenna... You say some of the funniest shit unintentionally.
I really wouldn't call struggling with the first leg "gassing out" it's more like they're suddenly struck with the struggle and just need to adjust and get on track. It's not like they're to the point of not being able to walk. They just aren't used to climbing an incline with a bag of weight on their backs.
I'm actually shocked by Cory and Mitch being so far behind everyone.
Ok, I spoke too soon. Vince legit looks gassed lmao
The two teams I didn't think even had a chance are leading hahahha
If I was in some kind of pool or betting for this show Cory would have me so pissed. He is being pathetic for how much you would just be looking at him and thinking he'd be better.
This monkey bar checkpoint would be terrible if you can't do it on first try. If you can't do it the first time, why would you be able to do it a second or third time?
Weird spot to have a girl/guy differential in the comp.
Cara just fucking booking past Bananas lol
The puzzle going to be the equalizer? Aneesa going from first to last?
It's a credit to editing that they somehow turned 15 minutes of Aneesa and Rianna struggling on the monkey bars in to like two whole segments.
Last to first? Holy shit! Wow
The challenge was actually surprising as hell in just about every way. Wow
"It's going to be a hard decision to make." What? How?!
Johnny just doing anything to keep himself out of Elim lol "Jamie sucks, he'd be easy to beat." Definitely not Vince, who's been terrible throughout the season. Not at all!
Good god, if Bananas and Vince scraped by again I would have flipped my shit.
"Knock these egos down." Vince, I didn't expect you to be so self aware...oh you weren't talking about yourself. Nevermind, carry on.
Johnny saying "If I go in and beat Cara, this could be considered one of my best wins I've every had." rings to me like Bananas trying to excuse a coming loss after the fact. Like he loses this elim and then wants to preemptively talk about the competition of Cara as being some huge win knowing damn well he loses. Fucking Johnny, I hate you if this happens. This is such a fucking Johnny move to belittle his loss like it was a big competitor. If you lose it will one hundred percent be because Vince is godawful at everything.
STOP SAYING COUSIN!!!!
It sounds like Johnny is thinking this is a color related puzzle, but I think it's more about the pattern of the lines. I don't think they have it.
Johnny is gone!
The Challenge is starting to get that Survivor problem where some big competitor leaves just short of the final and they started to put in the fire making challenge. Stuff like CT leaving before Free Agents, Johnny/Nany in Exes 2. There's an aspect of lesser competition getting to the end simply because the two big competitors face off leading to the end. Cara vs Johnny in the final would be more interesting than Jenna being in another damn final, or Aneesa and her partner having no chance.
EP 11:
Location change! This seems like a standard at this point...
Oh we checked off someone having to ask where it is. Even for Berlin.
Aneesa talking about getting this far and then failing, and then immediately sabotaging and tearing down her cousin.
They walk in to this hotel and it looks like it'd be the location of an older Real World season lol the weird furniture and colors everywhere.
Aneesa seems completely uninterested in even trying to care about her family member she brought in to this lol
Aneesa's like I'm just here for the money, and Rianna actually seemed to want to get to know her family member and have a good time.
All Aneesa talks about in these confessionals is needing Rianna in the game and to get her head in to it. Rianna's just talking about Aneesa being standoffish and rude. Maybe one of those things would kind of help the other? Like, give Rianna a reason to care to help you win money, or want to work harder for you. You might as well be Zach screaming at the girl.
Another cool competition. This season's cast has been lackluster, but the challenges have been on point.
Aneesa just seems so angry and bitter at this point.
Cory/Mitch blowing it away.
Aneesa sees her final fall away before her eyes.
Oh god. Cara says "Fustrated"...
"Then go to another country!" Aneesa says as if she has a choice...
Wait wait...it's come full circle. Now Aneesa is yelling at someone else to figure out who they are and who they wanna be. I've heard that argument thrown at Aneesa way too much.
Is..Is Aneesa talking about Cara right in front of her, like she's not there and not even a human? lol Aneesa, are you getting to Robin and Katie levels at this point? My brunette crazy drunk crush squad is closed up, sorry.
I definitely think there is a quality of fakeness to Cara, but Aneesa, I think you're a bit off the mark with her accent and how she approaches the game.
Bar Wrestle back, if there was anything Cara could come up short on.
I love that they try to act like an elbow or knee during the bar wrestle is dirty, but continue to keep bar wrestle in the game because of this exact aspect of it.
Saying Jamie won against CT is definitely stretching it lol
Jenna two for two in finals? Underrated great competitor? lol yeah right.
EP 12:
Jenna being the one to talk shit about being in a final... What reality is this?
Franz! A tailor?
City Final!!!!
A part of me would actually love Jenna and Brianna winning this lol
Oh yeah predictions: Cara/Jamie > Cory/Mitch > Jenna/Brianna
Cory and Mitch having to sit on only the second lap lol
Only the guys seem to have issues with this. Maybe 120 is a little much compared to the girls' 60?
"Janky carnival games"
Oh Cara come on. Literally crying from just fake beer?
Cara, you have rookies talking shit about your whining! THIS is how you handle drinking liquid?
Jenna and Brianna are just killing this.
At this point I purely think Aneesa lost her mind with Cara because of how much she had to hear "Cus" and "Cousin".
Jenna and Brianna blowing it away, just waiting for them to blow it away just in time to hear it's only day 1.
Part 1 ughhh. I miss marathon one day style finals. I don't care if it makes the final less suspenseful, or if one team blows it out of the water. I'd rather see people have to fight to not give up entirely.
Oh, is it still one day, just two parts?
EP 13:
I hope they have to swim in these suits.
You can just not eat them and get a 5 minute pinulty? Is that enough time?
Oh no Cara's worst enemy! Liquid!
Good god, Jamie seems like he's about to fill up that damn bucket.
Oh I see, it seems you have to eat everything, there is just a time limit for how long you have to get them done.
Jenna, also with no gag reflex. Zach seems to have a type.
TJ, amazing actor.
This city final has been a complete disappointment.
Just a random 2 mile jog around a track to end it. Did they just run out of ideas for finals?
These number puzzles and tangrams are again just like fire making in survivor. If you come in to these games not practicing these puzzles and learning basic strategies for them, then what are you even doing here? They come up just about every single season. Especially with the likelihood of people coming back multiple times. There's players of Survivor that will practice every single TYPE of puzzle they use and they have a much lower chance of ever even coming back let alone seeing the puzzle again. This show you're likely to come back on and likely to see these puzzle types. Do your damn homework!
I came around on Jenna/Brianna a lot. Happy to see them finish it.
Cara winning just seems tainted lol Like, I wasn't necessarily rooting for her so much as rooting against Johnny and then against the rookies and Jenna.
Reunion:
I hate when any show or episode starts with random teasers for the episode. Just get to it.
Vince starting the episode looking like an idiot.
Nicole looks less like a cartoon character.
At least Jenna is looking at all the elim's positively. Saying she had to make up for the previous season and never going in.
Bananas kissing ass of Jenna again, she must be coming back again...
Rianna looking good on this reunion. She looks a lot different than she was on the show.
Zach has a way of just cutting people off... geesh. Seems like a child that doesn't know how to handle a break up and just cuts, runs and hides.
Cara already crying, and they haven't even gotten to her yet.
Ugh...watching Abram's face while watching this. Ugh this is hard to watch.
Cara sit there and try to be mad or cry. You made your bed.
Abram about to cry.
Quit giving the fucking out that she did this because she was caught up in wanting to win. Fuck that noise.
At least she owns up and goes straight to Abram and says something.
Abram's tattoos just get worse and worse.
What the fuck is she trying to talk about with this being seven seasons about Abram and wanting the season. Way to take a fucking nose dive after starting off great.
This is just gross. Cara started off great, but damn it took a dive.
It just sounds a lot like fucking up and trying to find a lot of reasons to excuse it.
Didn't Thom himself say there was a handjob? lmao Cara, now you're just lying.
I hate Johnny, but I'm with him. Fuck this trying to bring up other peoples shit. Just be honest.
Quit giving her the fucking out that this has any fucking thing to do with the game.
Cara, wow. "Let me count my money. Who sent you home?" Well, that is definitely the way to address it lol
I loathe Johnny, but I agree with him when he says Cara saw she had an added number to her alliance and that was a huge factor of not telling him. She evne said it herself that she knew how he would react. She didn't want him to get DQ'd or possibly get Thom DQ'd. That's why she was upset when Abram wanted her to vote Thom in elim. At that point I do think she was just thinking about numbers and was trying to not talk about it. I don't think her getting with Thom had anything to do with thinking about the game, I hate that that is even suggested, but it definitely changed how she handled her decisions.
Can we literally not even talk about the fact that Johnny wasn't even willing to TRY to talk his team out of voting in Nany, but he was willing to throw an entire challenge to save Anthony/Kellyanne. Seriously not going to talk about that?
It was a game vote, what were you gaining? Everyone knew you were in an alliance with her and no one would care? You gained nothing, quit trying to squirm your way out of it.
Literally holding a trailer hostage to get a hashtag trending lmao
I feel like these reunions completely ignore the more pressing or interesting questions to just go for the direct and simple questions that might spark the most drama. Like not bringing up that Johnny tried to throw a challenge for Kellyanne and didn't mind not saying her name, but wouldn't even speak in defense of Nany at fucking all.
At least we're bringing up how god awful Vince was. Jesus. I'll just say it, Vince is more of a hindrance to the team than Big Easy.
"He purposely threw half of those." Fuuuuuuck out of here Johnny lmao
Good god, don't curse us with that Johnny, I never want to see Vince again. Cory is probably the only person from this season I could bet we see again. Maybe Jamie, but I doubt it.
Johnny, who has won finals with two other partners "This is the best partner I've ever had" haha this dude will literally say anything.
Why torture me at this point with hearing "cousin" more. Why?!
Overall thoughts:
I ended up coming around on this season quite a bit. The first two episodes I had absolutely zero investment. It brought in the worst parts of the previous season and then added half the cast being pointless or throwaways. The season ended up coming around, I think, due to the editing and the building of stories and drama. There wasn't a ton, but what was there was put together pretty well. Not only just the Cara and Abram situation, but also the individual elims, even though I never cared about any of these people, actually had interest and swings. I think the biggest disappointment of the season was the final. I was actually coming along and enjoying the season finally, you give me a "city" final and then it's so boring and bland and has almost nothing to do with the city other than kayaking down a river in the middle of the city and one part being in an abandoned subway. This final was an absolute bummer. It could have had the most interesting and athletic players in it and it would have still been a stail boring ass final. It's sad that the last couple seasons the mini final that they have within the season has been a better race or show of endurance than the actual finals have been.
I miss the long marathon exhaustion inducing finals. These finals are getting really lame. Fuck the winners coming down to times on the combined parts. Make the shit a race. Between the casting as of late, the group of players to continuously return, and the final going more and more down hill I'm really worried my interest and trust in the show is waning. I really hope it isn't so. I know I've heard some good about some seasons coming up, but I just don't see some issues being all that addressed.

This post takes form from this comment https://www.reddit.com/dndnext/comments/ii5r54/i_promise_nobody_from_wotc_is_going_to_break_down/g36av6g?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
to a post about WotC upcoming new book and the optional rule to help any race get more flexibility in ASI.
Why this post? Because i'd like my opinion to be heard well. The comment got already downvoted without explpanations (and i swear, i put effort and i bet it is one of th emost well built arguments in answer to that post, but i guess that is not enough to be considered valid).
First of all let me preface with the fact that i have dealt in detail with this matter in two videos. I will not link them here, but they are in the comment.
I will try to summarize the content of those videos and add further details:

Legolas, Gimli and Shrek.

Races in dungeons and dragons (at least traditional races) are stereotypical representations of an archetype... exactly like a red dragon is a stereotype of the archetype of the european dragon in modern fictional imaginary.
Traditional races are, to me at least, elves, dwarves, orcs (that in the manual are half orcs, but i will still call them orcs), gnomes, goblins, humans, half races (half evles and co), halflings.
Especially the most famous ones spring from concepts that have lived with mankind for ages, together with concepts that do not belong to playable races (giants, dragons, gods).
Elves are nimble and Legolas represents this well (in a stereotypical way), dwarves are though (Gimli shows this, or we can easily look at Torin, if you prefer)... Orcs are strong.
Now now now, orcs are indeed mean spirited creatures... (in our imaginary)... if we transfer this to the whole race in a different setting this can be racist and in fact IS racist. That is a thing to face: races do not possess pre set values or mental predispositions. But it ends here.
I said Shrek... memes aside the movie shows this. The movie is against any stereotype, it shows the good heart of Shrek, the prejudice and RACISM he faces for being an orc. The movie subverts this, BUT it does not present a figure of Shrek physically weak, short, nimble. He still is, throughout all the movie(s) physically strong and tough, incredibly resilient and powerful. Why? Because racism is not in that thing. So there is no need to contrast it... the physical superioirity of orcs is, in fact, a biological feature.
Let me ask you.. would you ake away strenght from a giant? I guess not, hen why would you take it away from an Orc? Surely Orcs are not as strong as giants, but they still are strong.

About Brains

I have talked about physical features only (Dexterity, Constiution, Strenght), why?
Let's get into this: an orc being stronger than a gnome by birth is not racism, it is a fact (on average).
I mean, of course you can say that in your world gnomes are way stronger, while orcs are weak beings... or a special individual has born with incredible strenght... but

1. that would be your world
2. you roll dice when creating a character or use point buy to show this (eventually)

Would you make an aarakocra without wings? Would you make an elf without darkvision? These are just examples of different cases on a spectrum of more or less strong physical features.
Let me ask you this... if you do not give any ASI to a firbolg... would you still leave it with powerful build? Would it make sense to you? I'd say no.
So what about the Brain? Yes now i have talked about physical scores, but what about mental ones? (Intelligence, Charisma, Wisdom).
If we want to fight racism... here it is where we should act: why some races are smarter than others? Why some are more charismatic? Because of cultural heritage, behaviours, way of living. Not for biological features or because of their brain. Or at least, this is my intepretation. Now since the mental ASI come from belonging to a culture or from living in a certain way... here YES it is racist to keep them lined to the race. Would a firbolg have more wisdom than other creatures if it lived in a city, being a gladiator in a colosseum? I doubt... it certainly could but this does not mean it must.
Racism is linked to ethnicity and there is racism when belonging to a race makes you automatically connected to a certain ethnicity. If to this we add discrimination, that's where we get the real, troublesome, incredibly wrong racism.

Of cats and dogs

"You talked of being nonsensical, but in DnD there is magic, come on!"
Yes in DnD there is magic. But there are also rules: would you allow a dwarf to fly without having wings or magic of any sort? No of course, it would make no sense.
"But aarakocras can fly, that is unfair, i can't play a flying dwarf!"
Then we give wings to everyone, better, right? Or we take wings away from any flying race.
I think we start seeing a scheme here: physical ASI reflect physical features. And dungeons and dragons, as long as magic is not brought to the table, tries to be realistical and has is own rules to stick to its realism.
You need water breathing to breath under water. You need wings to fly. You need muscles to be strong. We can apply this concept to our real world: would you think that a cat can be stronger than a tiger? Would you actually think it makes sense that a chihuahua is stronger than a wolf? Or an husky?
"But this is dnd!" Yes and not all the races are innately linked to magic, so you still have a basic set of common sense rules to stick to. You can sole this issue with justifying the ASI with magic, but, ya know "magic here, magic there, magic cheaper everywhere".

And what about my orc wizard?

Do it, if you care so much of it do it. The probelm does not lie into racial ASI, it lies into Ability Scores, feats and the way these two things interact with themseles and the character.
Solutions?

1. Do not change a thing about physical ASI, but allow players to put theri mental ASI wherever you want. Also any race gets at least +1 to a mental ASI.
2. Increas the higher cap for the level or insert prestige classes. Allow people to have more time to maximize their scores.
3. Rework ASI gaining (first of all do not tie it to the class growth, but to the character growth) and feat/ASI balance.
4. Overall diminish the influence Ability Scores have in the game. Either this or increase the starting ASI (point buy, whatever), maybe putting a maximum cap (a character of level 1 can't have more than 16 in a stat, for example)
5. Just take away benefits from a race (some ASI, like mental ones, some proficiencies) and give these to backgrounds. You can have 2 types of backgrounds: ethnical and individual.

There are solutions, as you can see that allow players to have their characters... and these solutions do not go against common sense or the organic foundation of the game itself.
And also let me tell you this... even if you take and change the way ASI are given... high elves will still get a cantrip, tieflings will get spells, half elves drows will be "broken".
Removing a limit to ASI will either just flatten diversity, and honestly... in this world, we should apreciate diversity more or it will do almost nothing, except bothering me and any person like me that cares about coherence and a good set of rules that do not create disbelief.
​
"But it's an optional rule, come on"
But still a rule nonetheless. If i had to read a rule that allowed me to make my dwarf character fly without any reason to do so... i'd think of it being bullshit. It woulld create disbelief and discnnection from the game. It would feel it illogical, nonsensical, inorganic, incoherent, detatched from the game core itself. This would leave me a bad taste...
Same with this new optional rule. BUT, gotta say it, we do not know the rule after all, i may be entirely wrong... maybe they did one of the things i wrote in the before written points, who knows.
​
Anyway the bad taste would be amplified by the reasons behind this ruling.. because of a politically correct that permeates more and more aspects of everyday life without being reasonable, logical or deep. It would just be a facade politically correct, an appearence made to satisfy a vocal group of people. This fact can either be good or wrong.
Although it is not wrong it pushes this narrative and this is a thing i can't stand. All this discussion is a matter of principle, the principle being "I love logic and common sense and i will stand against stuff that goes against it in the name of values that aren't really helped this way and that are not touched by this change."
F.A.Q.s

• "Are you afraid of change?" "No, i want change in a different direction"
• "Why bother writing on reddit?" "I want to influence people with my thoughts and call for a deeper reflection on this matter and onto hypocricy"
• "Are you racist?" "No."
• "Are you egocentrical, arrogant, stubborn?" "Yes indeed"
• "Do you really believe your words?" "Every single one"
• "Does this really bother you?" "Yes, a lot, it is a matter of principle and i'd fight for this principle both on small and big scale, no matter the specific topic, except when i'm tired."
• "What is this principle again?" "I stand for logic and coherence in almost every aspect of life." <- I said almost eh.

I hope to receive contructive criticism... i'll gladl and happily discuss the matter with everyone of you.
If you want to understand even more my point of view i suggest to follow the link of the previous comment and watch the two videos i made on the matter, they are longish and exhaustive on some points that here may have been treated too easily or rapidly. (Sorry for bad english in case)
Thankyou everyone for reading!
Edit. I decided to add the links
Here about physical and mental ASIs https://youtu.be/K8ghBrT8x6A
And here about the use of the word "Race" https://youtu.be/lnXQI9KPuRY
Edit 2: tried to write my idea on how to implement the rule in a way that would satisfy me and everyone else: https://homebrewery.naturalcrit.com/share/MxpygR0EE
i also posted it here: https://www.reddit.com/dndnext/comments/ikhe7f/homebrew_racial_asi_and_background_asi_variant/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 if you want to comment on it mechanically wise (for example if math is bad or whaever)

Inspired by the overwhelmingly positive response to my previous 'book report' on Ramona Singer's Life on the Ramona Coaster (seriously, thank you all -- truly supporting other women 🙏🙏), I decided to try my hand at writing up yet another of the embarrassing number of Housewives books in my personal collection: Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen's Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City with Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle.
After reading just the title of this book, I'm already exhausted. It's pretentiously long and awkwardly phrased while somehow still managing to be entirely devoid of meaning. In other words, a perfect encapsulation of Simon and Alex. The summary on the back cover describes the pair as the "breakout stars" of RHONY, an assessment that I would charitably call 'debatable,' before going on to inform me that I can look forward to "informative and often hair-raising stories of life in the urban jungle," and that "Alex and Simon use their own hard-won experience as a springboard to discuss a host of parenting topics." I anticipate that this content will be quite useful to me, the guardian of four cats that I spoil endlessly and treat like my actual children.
One of the pull-quotes on the back cover allegedly comes from our very own Bethenny Frankel. I say 'allegedly' because I refuse to believe that the following passage would ever come out of Bethenny's mouth (or keyboard or whatever):

Alex and Simon don't take themselves too seriously, which seems to be essential to parenting. Their fresh 'he said, she said' perspective on parenting is both humorous and insightful!

Please, take a moment and do your very best to picture mention-it-all, betting-on-horse-races-at-age-five Bethenny unironically using the phrase "fresh 'he said, she said' perspective." To describe Simon van Kempen and Alex McCord. Right, didn't think so.
My experience reading Little Kids, Big City started on an unexpected high note when I opened the front cover to find that my copy (purchased used through Better World Books for the low, low price of $5.31 with shipping) had been signed by Ms. you-are-in-high-school-while-I-am-in-Brooklyn herself, Alex McCord! Truly a gift I do not deserve. Samantha and Debbie (whoever and wherever you may be), thank you for your service. I am forever in your debt.
Unfortunately, as would soon become painfully clear to me, after starting off on such a promising note, I would have nowhere to go but down.
The book, which is written in alternating passages from Alex and Simon, begins its introduction with a chronicle of Alex's "fashionably nomadic" early adulthood. Ever the proto-edgelord, she recalls, "I did all those things our mothers warned us about and had fun doing them." We switch to Simon's perspective to hear the deeply embarrassing story of the couple meeting through a dating app while Simon was on a business trip in New York City. No, there is absolutely nothing embarrassing about meeting someone on a dating app. But there absolutely is something embarrassing about using the profile name "Yetisrule" to meet someone on a dating app. To clarify, this was apparently Alex's username, and I remain hopeful that we will get a more thorough explanation of her connection to the elusive Yeti as this book continues.
Alex tells us that, while she and Simon hadn't initially planned to have children, they eventually started to have "clucky feelings." I have never heard this phrase in my entire twenty-five years of life, but based on context clues and also a Google search, I learned that it means they wanted to have a baby. Don't worry, though! As Alex tells us, "You can be eight months pregnant and wear a leather miniskirt." Personally, this is life-changing news -- I had always believed that I couldn't have kids unless I was willing to compromise my 90s goth aesthetic! Maybe I'll rethink this child-free thing after all.
The next bit of advice seems like it actually could potentially be sort of helpful. "No one is a good parent all the time -- nor is anyone a bad parent all the time," they reassure the reader. "You can become a parent without losing yourself." Unfortunately, as soon as I catch myself nodding along, the modicum of goodwill I'd built up is promptly trashed by a gag-worthy line from Simon: "If you take nothing away but a wry smile after reading our little tome, then we've done our job." I immediately vow not to smile until I'm finished reading this book. Excuse me, this little tome.
The book starts in earnest with Chapter 1: "Does a German Shepherd Need a Birth Plan?" To be perfectly honest, I was not expecting a riddle at this juncture, but I am nevertheless excited to hear Simon and Alex tell us "why childbirth is not an intellectual activity." First, however, we get a passing reference to "Park Slope, home of the ParkSlopeParents.com message board made famous in 2007 with a so-ridiculous-it-got-headlines discussion on gender-specific baby hats and where feminism can be taken to extremes." And despite the lame alarmist allusion to ~*XTREME feminism*~, this line did manage to lead me down an interesting Internet rabbit hole, so thanks for that, I guess?
Jesus Christ, I am on PAGE 4 and I am already so done with Simon. Presented without comment:

With the Park Slope OB-GYN, we had the first sonogram and saw the little blip on the screen -- our child-to-be. They say seeing is believing and as nothing was happening inside me, seeing confirmation on the video monitor that indeed my spermatozoa had penetrated and infiltrated one of Alex's ova made me aware that my days as a footloose and fancy-free guy might be coming to an end.

Y'all, I am currently working on my PhD in Molecular Biology. Which, if you were not previously aware, gives me the authority to decree that Simon is never allowed to use the word "spermatozoa" ever again. And so it is.
I was about to say that Alex's passages are at least more tolerable, but it appears I spoke too soon.

The stats they quoted referenced a 40 percent cesarean section rate in the city, and I wonder how that can be acceptable? Are we heading toward Brave New World, where babies are scientifically created in petri dishes and gestated in artificial wombs? Oh wait, we're already there. Are we heading towards a Wall-E existence, where we ride around in carts everywhere and do nothing for ourselves so that our bodies break down and we're all fat, oozy blobs drinking protein from a straw? Somebody slap me, please!!

Truly, Alex, it would be my pleasure.
As a Type-A person, just reading the story of Alex's first pregnancy and delivery gave me anxiety. She says that she just never really "felt the need to establish a birth plan" and that she "gave in to any craving [she] felt." Don’t worry, though -- "If I had suddenly craved chalk, ecstasy or Elmer's Glue, I'd have thought twice." I feel like there is some symbolism here to unpack (Could the Elmer's Glue be a metaphor for the childlike spirit of connection and unity???). Simon describes himself as "a learn-on-the-job guy" and tells us that he and Alex "failed to attend the last couple of [birthing] classes as by then we both just wanted to let instinct take over when the time came." As someone who has never trusted my instincts even once in my entire life, I cannot relate.
Twelve days after his due date, baby François is born. Except it turns out that he actually was born right on time, but Alex "didn't keep regimented track of [her] periods" and miscalculated. What a bummer that modern medicine hasn't advanced to the point where doctors can guide you about that sort of thing.
I don't even know what to say about this next bit, but God help me, I still have 215 more pages of this book to go.

Although the final stages of labor were very, very painful, I [Alex] never used our code word (tin can) for "game over, give me drugs." I definitely recommend using a code word, because it was kind of fun to scream, "I want drugs, give me drugs" through a contraction and have the midwife, nurse and Simon all know I wasn't serious. Once he [François] was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he'd actually ejaculated though hadn't felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it's not too far a stretch to say that it's a profound experience.

Johan is born two years later, although it's unclear from the text whether either parent reached orgasm during the event.
The chapter ends with a top-ten list entitled "10 Things We'll Remember That Happened During Pregnancy." These include useful tidbits like

1. Best advice I heard: men's genitals grow and change shape regularly, then go back to the way they were before. Don't worry about your female delicate bits being able to retract.

Which is…a lovely sentiment. But one that is slightly undermined by phrasing the first part in the grossest way possible, as well as by the use of the phrase "female delicate bits." I do like the idea that they "retract," however, because I think it's very cool to imagine the vagina as an SUV sunroof. By the grace of God, Chapter 1 comes to a close.
In Chapter 2 (titled "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn, What's My Name Again? and Who is This Alien?" -- seriously, were they padding their word count with chapter titles?), we get more questionable parenting advice from the McCord-van Kempens. They glibly dismiss concerns about co-sleeping ("Simon and I both slept with cats and dogs our whole lives without squishing them"), which I honestly would be more annoyed about if I hadn't immediately gone on to read Simon's account of "the midnight race to the 24-hour pharmacy to buy a breast pump as Alex's breasts were seemingly engorged with too much milk and she thought they were about to explode and fly off her chest." As it stands, I'm truly too defeated to care. Again, just to be perfectly clear: no shade to having issues breastfeeding, all shade to using the word 'engorged.’ And also for giving me the mental image of Alex's breasts desperately struggling to flee from her body (though to be fair, who could blame them?).
Proving that she does not inhabit the same world as the rest of us mortals, Alex tells us that she expected that her state of sleep-deprivation as she raised two young children would "spur [her] creativity with graphic design." For some reason, this does not seem to be the case. Alex is puzzled.
Finally, we've come to this chapter's top ten list ("Top 10 Memories of Random Things We Did While in the Post-Birth Haze"). While these lists have so far been utterly irredeemable, they also mean the chapter is coming to a close, so I can at least take some solace in that. This particular list ranges from the irritating…

1. We subversively took sleeping babies to as many non-child-friendly places as possible to prove the point that children can be seen, not heard and not bothersome, such as dinner at the Ritz in London, the Sahara Desert, shopping on Madison Avenue, Underbar in Union Square and film festivals.

…to the truly unnecessary.

1. While changing François' diaper on day one or two, we both stood mesmerized by the changing pad as meconium oozed out of him. It was really the most bizarre and fascinating thing I'd seen to date.

With the couple's general backstory and credentials now under our belts, Chapter 3 ("The Screaming Kid on the Plane is NOT Mine! (This Time)") focuses on advice for traveling with children, which Alex admits "can be a complete pain in the you-know-what." I cannot describe the rage I feel at the fact that she has -- in no fewer than 50 pages -- forced me to read about both her newborn son's excrement and her husband's ejaculate, but cannot bring herself to use the word "ass." Alex, we're really far beyond that at this point, don't you think?
Not to be outdone, Simon shares a conversation he had with François that is remarkable not for its content, but for the fact that one of Simon's nicknames for his son is apparently "F-Boy." Thanks, I hate it.
This chapter's list ("Alex's Top 10 Travel Memories") includes the entry:

1. Both boys charging down Saline Beach in St. Barths like something out of Lord of the Flies.

So, like a horde of primal sadists? I'm wondering if Alex and Simon have inadvertently confused Lord of the Flies with the hit 2007 reality show Kid Nation. I really hope that's what's going on here.
Chapter 4 ("'Mommy, Johan is Gone!'") promises to teach us how to handle accidents. I'm not sure how comfortable I feel taking emergency advice from the authors of this particular book, but (in large part due to the fact that I have slept since reading the previous chapter, giving the pain a chance to dull somewhat), I am willing to at least hear them out.
After relaying a story of François needing emergency surgery after a foot injury, Alex tells us that at one point, she and Simon realized they had spent "nearly $5000 on Indian takeout" in the past year. For the mathematically averse, this works out to a monthly budget of roughly $100 worth of Indian food per week, making my quarantine Uber Eats habit seem downright quaint by comparison. The chapter-ending list walks us through the "Top 10 Things We Do in a Crisis," and fortunately, the tips seem pretty benign.

1. Knowing what calms the children down, such as making silly faces or reciting Shel Silverstein poetry backwards.

Wait, hang on. What?

reciting Shel Silverstein poetry backwards

I'm sorry, please forgive me if I have missed some recent, paradigm-shifting development in the field of early childhood education, but what?? As in, "ends sidewalk the where?" "Sdne klawedis eht erehw?" I am truly befuddled.
Maybe the next chapter ("'Is Today a Work Day or a Home Day, Mommy?'") will have some applicable wisdom for me, as I will, in fact, be working from home every other week for the foreseeable future. And, I cannot stress this enough, I am a psychotically overinvested cat mom. Alas, we are instead treated to an unnecessarily detailed breakdown of how important it is to delegate, and specifically that Simon cleans up vomit and Alex cleans up "feces in the various forms that come out of children's bottoms at appropriate and sometimes inappropriate times such as the middle of Thanksgiving festivities." As if we needed another reason to consider Thanksgiving problematic.
The chapter takes a brief commercial break…

When an everyday product can do double duty such as Dawn Hand Renewal with Olay Beauty, a dish soap that seals in moisture while I'm tackling cleanup, sure, I'll buy it.

…before closing out with a list of the "Top 10 Things We Do Because We Were Here First." I am happy to confirm your worst suspicions and tell you that item number one is indeed "Have passionate sex."
In Chapter 6 ("I Saw Your Nanny…Being Normal?"), I find myself actually sympathizing with Alex for the first time in this book. Which is mostly just because the chapter starts by talking about all of the awful, catty parental competitions that seem endemic to a certain crew of white Manhattan moms, and it makes Alex come off at least slightly less irritating in comparison.
That is, at least until a few pages later, when she starts to complain about a previous au pair:

She was sullen, melodramatic and kept a blog about how she hated Americans, hated France, hated us and the children but loved New York. I think she must have thought we were idiots, and when she asked us to leave early we were only too happy to get her out of our home.

I would love to meet this woman. I think we could be great friends.
This chapter's list is even more difficult to parse than previous ones, because while it's titled "Top 10 Things Caregivers Have Inadvertently Done to Amuse, Annoy or Thrill Us," it's not at all clear which descriptors apply to which points. When a babysitter "accidentally used a household cleaning wipe when changing a diaper," were the McCord-Van Kempens amused? Annoyed? Thrilled? The world may never know.
In Chapter 7 ("'Putting To Death Is Not Nice,' a Duet for Two Boys and A Guitar"), Alex and Simon share some of their hard-earned childrearing wisdom with us. Which basically amounts to Alex telling us that, while normally misbehavior from the kids incurs a warning followed by a time-out, she has also developed an ingenious new strategy where she actually steps in to intervene when the stakes are higher. Let's listen in:

A third permutation is when there's a behavior that has to stop immediately, say if Johan has a big blue indelible marker and is running through a white hotel suite. I swoop in and grab the marker as to risk a three count [warning] would be to risk decoration of the sofa.

Take the marker from the toddler immediately instead of trying to reason with him? Groundbreaking.
Side Note: At this point in my reading, I am incredibly satisfied to report that I have discovered my first typo in the book, and in one of Simon's sections no less! ("These toads secret [sic] a poison…"). This is wildly pedantic of me and proof that I am a deeply sick person.
We run though a list of "Top 10 Things We Never Thought We Would Have To Explain" ("10. Why hot pizza stones do not like Legos.") before moving right along into Chapter 8, "Don't Listen to the Well-Meaning Morons." Strangely, I have a very vivid memory of Alex saying "I have a chapter in my book called, 'Don't Listen to the Well-Meaning Morons" in some distant RHONY episode or reunion. I guess she was telling the truth.
The chapter opens with a series of passages in which Alex and Simon respond to various comments that have been made about their parenting over the years. I think this device is supposed to be a bit of lighthearted snark on overbearing strangers, but instead just comes off as weirdly defensive and passive-aggressive. A few examples:

"My daughter is perfect. Her table manners are excellent, she never speaks unless spoken to and we've always had white sofas at home since she was a child, with no staining."
-A woman with one preteen daughter, no sons
Your daughter sounds boring. I wouldn't want my sons to date her..

Zing!

"Why are you outside?" - A bagel seller in Montreal, in February
I'm hungry and the stroller is well protected under the plastic cover. Johan is warm and cozy, the others are asleep in the hotel and I'm going stir-crazy. Is that enough, or should I buy my bagel from someone else?

Got 'em!

"Excuse me, your baby is crying." -- Someone said to Simon as they peered into the stroller to try and determine the cause of said noise.
You don't say! Do you think, you stupid idiot, that I don't hear that? Do you think I think it's just loud music? Do you think I don't want him to stop and that I like it???

Sorry, did I say 'passive-aggressive'? Let's change that to just 'aggressive.'
But despite bristling at being the recipient of unwanted advice, far be it from Alex to shy away from giving her opinions on the shortcomings of other parents.

There was a mom at another table who wore all black and told her hyperactive daughter that they had to have a family meeting to decide what to do next. The type of woman who might ask her daughter to "process her feelings" about which color to choose. The type of woman who wanted make [sic] a big huge hairy deal about including her daughter in the decision-making process and "negotiating" the next best step for the family to take in the pottery shop. Pardon me while I shoot myself.

I'm sorry, but I just cannot respect this take coming from a woman who calms her sons by reciting comedic children's poetry backwards.
We next learn that there are "many websites out in cyberspace," some of which offer child-rearing advice. Simon summarizes their useless "vitriol" as such:

They say that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, whereas for the 21st century surely hell no longer hath fury, as it's all been hurled at the belittled and scorned Internet mom.

I'm honestly not entirely sure what this is supposed to mean, and my confusion continues all the way through this chapter's "Top 10 Ways We Make Ourselves Feel Better When It's All Getting To Be Too Much." We begin reasonably enough…

1. Check to see whether the person offering advice has children. How old are they?
   
2. Do they have a point? Are they right? It is entirely possible.
   

…before quickly losing all sense of self-awareness and flying completely off the rails.

1. Will we ever see this person again? If not, can we get away with unleashing our fury on them? Note, if you're reading this and decide to try it for yourself, go big or go home.

The last few chapters have been a bit Alex-heavy, but never fear -- Simon pops back up in Chapter 9 ("If I Wouldn't Eat That, My Kid Won't Either") to tell us a charming story about how the family refers to his Bolognese sauce as "Dead Cow Sauce," and this is because his children are incredibly enlightened and understand the circle of life and where food comes from. Or something along those lines.
This chapter also provides a lot of really incontrovertible proof that, even though you may swear that your kids say the most hilarious things all the time, you are wrong. I love kids. I can play cool aunt with the best of them. But this "recipe" for "Johan's Concoction" tries so hard to be cute and funny ("whisk violently -- making sure to spill a little out of the top") that I could barely stifle my groans. For anyone who happens to frequent RebornDollCringe, I am strongly and inexplicably reminded of Britton.
A list of "Top 10 Things We Don't Like About Children's Restaurants" culminates with

1. Where would you rather be? A bistro devoted to race-car driving, with 1950s toy cars on the walls, or T.G.I. Friday's?

Excuse me, ma'am, you must be unfamiliar with the concept of Endless Apps®.
The title of Chapter 10 is "You'll Give in Before I Do!" and although the subtitle lets me know this is referencing "the art and warfare of bedtime," it's hard not to take it as a personal taunt from the authors. Most of this chapter is just transcriptions of 'cute' things François and Johan have said to try to avoid going to bed, but we do get this gem:

Slaying the dragon is our family euphemism for using the toilet (drowning the dragons that live in the sewer) and is fun for the boys to talk about, though probably not forever.

Before giving us a chance to adequately process this revelation, Alex goes on to reflect:

Hmm, perhaps I should delete this -- I don’t want obnoxious classmates getting hold of this book in 10 years and asking the boys if they need to slay the dragon in the middle of geometry class.

Alex, I assure you, you truly have nothing to worry about. Any self-respecting bully will be far too focused on the fact that Simon ejaculated at the moment of his son's birth to pay this comparatively trivial factoid any attention.
The authors shake things up and end this chapter with lists of both "Top 20 Bedtime Stories" and "Top 10 Lullabies," both of which are thankfully inoffensive.
In Chapter 11 ("Children Like Shiny Objects"), we follow Alex and Simon as they purchase the townhouse we see them renovating on RHONY. Although other (read: lesser) parents might store breakables out of reach or limit children's toys to playrooms and bedrooms, Alex and Simon were blessed with two boys whose aesthetic sensibilities are already quite developed:

One kind of funny thing that I noticed recently is that the toys the boys tend to leave upstairs in our red and black living room often tend to be red and black as well. I'm not sure whether that's intentional, but it's funny that the room always seems to match regardless of its contents.

The list of "Top 10 Craziest Places We've Found Objects" is mercifully absent of any orifice-related discoveries.
After reading just the title of Chapter 12 ("Raising Baby Einsteins"), I'm bracing myself for the self-satisfied smugness to come. This preparation turns out to be duly warranted. Baby sign language is dismissed as "a scheme dreamed up by ASL experts who wanted to sell classes to easily influenced new parents," Mommy and Me classes are "not really for teaching anything," and we learn that Alex and Simon have instituted a bizarre family rule that "if a talking toy came into our house, it had to speak a foreign language or speak English in an accent other than American."
We learn that Simon apparently does not know what antonyms are (for the record, Simon, the word you're looking for is homophones) and that New York City is replete with "wailing, nocturnal, type-A obsessed harridans willing to sleep with persons not their spouse if they think it will help their child get into THE RIGHT SCHOOL." Uh, yikes. After a tediously long description of François' pre-school admissions process, Alex informs us:

As a former actor, I've always gotten into play-acting and dressing up with my children. Perhaps a little too much. But I've taken the opportunity to show off a few old monologues, complete with bounding around like a puppy. If you have knowledge, why not share it? If you happen to know Puck's speeches from a Midsummer Night's Dream by ear with tumbling and staged sword play, why the heck don’t you share that with your boisterous boys, who love it and run around shouting, "Thou speakest aright!"

I am suddenly compelled to call my mother and thank her profusely for never making me put up with anything like this. Maybe I'll also get her thoughts on one of the tips listed in "Top 10 Favorite 'Developmental' Things To Do": "if they want something that you want to delay giving them, make them ask in every language they can before giving in." To me, this seems like an effective way to encourage your children to learn how to say "Fuck you, mom" in French as early as possible.
In Chapter 13 ("Urban Wonderland"), Alex and Simon promise to share their unique perspective on "taking advantage of raising a child in the urban jungle." But mostly, we just get a rant about how everyone thinks their kids have weird names, and that makes Simon mad. This chapter's "Top 10 Reasons New York is the Center of the Universe to a Kid" list reminds us what truly matters: "there are more songs with NYC in their titles than any other city."
Immediately after telling us how great it is to live in a city (excuse me, urban jungle), Alex and Simon switch tack and spend Chapter 14 ("'Daddy, a Cow! And It's Not in a Zoo!") expounding on the importance of exposing kids to nature. Sounds great, I'm on board. Unfortunately, we almost immediately take a hard left turn into a story from Simon's childhood where he and his brother are "befriended by this old guy, Dick, who lived on the outskirts of town in a small tin shed." We hear that Dick "occasionally pulled out an early Playboy magazine back from the days when the lower regions were airbrushed out," and that "there had been pretty strong rumors of pedophilia," before promptly returning to the main narrative with no further explanation. I can only describe the transition as 'jarring.'
I can tell how exhausted I am at this point in the book by how hurriedly I skimmed the list of "Top 10 Differences We've Noticed Between City Kids and Country Kids." To be honest, I'm almost annoyed when a particularly bizarre quote manages to catch my attention, because that means I have to think about it for the full amount of time it takes me to transcribe from the page. I'm beginning to think that my initial hope that I could glean some useful cat-rearing advice from this experience may have been overzealous.
Chapter 15 ("You're Such a Great Parent, You Should Be on TV (LOL)") is the only chapter to directly address the family's time on RHONY. It starts with this (attempted) comedy bit in which Alex and Simon pretend to be hilariously self-aware and self-effacing (Alex: "Look up 'Mommylicious' in the dictionary and you will see a photo of me in a ball gown, breast-feeding an infant while making Osso Buco and directing carpenters to build a bookcase for my Dickens and Shakespeare."). This posture would be infinitely more believable if I hadn't spent the previous 205 pages watching these two take themselves deadly seriously.
But rather than share any juicy behind-the-scenes tidbits (or, indeed, convey anything of substance at all), Alex and Simon spend exactly 3.5 pages blustering about how it wasn't harmful for their children to be on TV before giving us a list of "Top 10 Hilarious Things The Boys Have Done While Filming or at Photo Shoots." Spoiler alert: none of them are 'hilarious.'
Chapter 16 is literally titled "The Light at the End of the Tunnel," which makes me feel like this whole experience may have just been Alex and Simon playing some sort of twisted game with me. Alex tells us this is "the chapter of hope," but given that she then tells us about a time when she "spent one full hour discussing why magic markers cannot be carried around with the caps off, particularly in a hotel suite with white couches and walls," I'm not sure exactly where this hope is coming from. Also it seems like this markers-in-a-hotel-room thing happens weirdly frequently. We are then treated to Alex and Simon's "Top 10 Moments of Getting It,'" which includes

1. Apropos of nothing, Johan said, "You give us time-outs because you are teaching us to be good grown-ups."

This is a thing I'm sure Johan said completely organically and not in response to hearing his parents say "we're giving you a time-out so that you learn to be a good grown-up" approximately seven zillion times.
This brings us to the book's Epilogue (a mercifully short two pages) featuring the line "If you made it to the end of this book, we salute you." Honored to accept this hard-earned accolade, I can finally close the book and start figuring out a way to erase the memory of Simon busting a mid-childbirth nut from my aching brain. Wish me luck!