Last updated 2:00 EST, 27 July
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All new posts asking about information already provided here will be removed and redirected here to reduce redundancy.

Release

As of 5:15 EST, the update has released on PS4, Xbox One, and PC.

• 3.4GB on PS4
• 3.2GB on Xbox One
• 2.9GB on Steam
• 2.6GB on Social Club.

On the note of releases... Some countries will not be able to access certain content from this update due to gambling laws. Thankfully though, players from these countries will still be allowed to download the update in general.

Money for Diamond Casino

For ways to make money to afford the new DLC content, along with methods to make an empty lobby to do CEO/MC work, check the Mega Guide.
Tips

• You only need $50,000 to register as a VIP! If you have at least that much, you can register as a VIP for 4 hours and get access to VIP missions (which can be done in an invite only session), giving you a lucrative way to save up.
• If you own both a crate warehouse and vehicle warehouse, you could use them together to make more money overtime than you could by using either exclusively. Use your sourcing/exports between crate pickups and sales, and you'll be getting the best of both worlds, gaining from the postive money-making aspects of both.

Content and Prices

Content that has initially released with the update.

Southern San Andreas Super Autos

• Weeny Issi Sport - $897,000
• Vapid Caracara 4x4 - $875,000

Legendary Motorsport

• Annis S80RR: $2.6million
• Enus Paragon R: $905,000
• Obey 8F Drafter: $718,000
• Truffade Thrax: $2.3million

Penthouses

• Cash Pad: $1.5million
• Party Penthouse: $3.78million
• High Roller: $6.5million
• "Design Your Own": $1.5million

Penthouse Customizations

• Colour options: $215,000 or $258,500
• Pattern options: $92,000 - $210,000

Penthouse Addons

• Lounge Area: $400,000
• Media Room: $500,000
• Spa: $800,000
• Bar and Party Hub: $700,000
• Private Dealer: $1.1million
• Office: $200,000
• Extra Bedroom: $200,000
• Garage: $800,000

Gambling

As this is a Casino-centric update, there's plenty of ways to gamble away your hard-grinded money.
The gambling in this game centers around a new form of currency, called Chips. These chips are pretty much like real-world gambling chips, with a one-to-one dollar value, except you keep your chips when you leave the casino. Chips are an actual currency in GTA Online, as they can be used to purchase exclusive items from a shop inside the casino, along with being used to bet with when playing the Gambling Games, listed below

• Slot Machines: There's plenty of options to choose from, but they all perform the same way. Spend some chips, and let the RNG decide whether or not you earn anything from it.
• Blackjack: Casino style blackjack with up to four simultaneous players, all of which play against the dealer. Anyone who beats the dealer individually wins, anyone who the dealer beats individually loses, and if the dealer gets Blackjack (an Ace and 10/face-card), everyone immediately loses. Assuming your initial hand isn't a Blackjack, you have the option of doubling-down, which doubles your initial bet with the caveat of only being able to hit once.
• Poker: Three-card poker. You make your bets, check your hand, and similar to Blackjack, each player wins if their hand is better than the dealer's, and the dealer beats whoever has a worse hand than him. While there is no option to double-down, how much you win does depend on how good of a hand you have. The better your hand, the more you win. Also, while you can fold your hand, you lose your initial bet anyway.
• Horse Racing: Pretty much standard horse racing bettering. You choose a horse, you put your money down, and if you bet correctly, you get double the amount you bet in return. Otherwise, you just lose the amount you bet.

To gain more chips, there is a counter inside the casino where you can buy them, however you are limited in how many you can buy per day (real-world 24 hours). As standard, you can buy a maximum of 20,000 chips per day, but if you own a penthouse of any tier, you can buy up to 50,000 chips per day. Chips can also be traded in for money, but there does not appear to be a limit on this. No matter how many chips you win from gambling, it appears that you can trade them all in at once for the equivalent dollar value.
Lastly, there is the Wheel. It's a roulette wheel that you can only spin once per day, which costs $500 per spin. There are twenty reward slots, and since some rewards are in multiple slots, they have greater chances of being selected. The biggest note about this wheel however is that there is one slot in which you can win a free car! What makes this so significant is that since the car takes a 1/20 slot on the wheel, that means you still have a 5% chance of winning a free high-value vehicle! Compared to most online games, that's pretty much the most generous RNG you can get.

Business and Missions

coming soon

FAQ

Are there any differences between the penthouses
For once, yes! Well, technically... they're the same basic property layout, but each option gives you different addon options.

• The Cash Pad: The basic Penthouse with no property addons available . You cannot purchase a garage, extra bedroom, lounge, etc. with the Cash Pad. You can, however, purchase penthouse customizations (colour and wall patterns).
• The Party Penthouse: Gives you certain of the addon options: the main Penthouse, the Extra Bedroom, the Lounge Area, the Spa, and the Bar and Party Hub. You are locked to these options, no more, no less.
• The High Roller: Gives you all of the property addons as standard, and the most expensive penthouse customization options... this means that you cannot choose your own colour and wall patterns with this version.
• The "Design Your Own": ...What should be the standard option. It gives you the basic penthouse and allows you to choose which addons and customizations you want, with an extra cost for each one, of course. Just get this one. You can also renovate this option later, allowing you to purchase more addons and change your customizations later.

What do the Penthouse Addons do?

• Lounge Area: Allows you to purchase the other Penthouse Addons (except for the Extra Bedroom and Garage, which are the only items addons that can be purchased without a Lounge).
• Media Room: You know the cinemas around Los Santos? The ones that play a few 5 minute animated films on repeat? That, but in a Penthouse.
• Spa: Gives you access to a hot tub and a Personal Stylist. The Stylist's services are the same as the ones spread around Los Santos (hair, contacts, and make up), but they're all free.
• Bar and Party Hub: Allows you to consume drinks that instantly intoxicate your character, along with access to special arcade games that aren't available anywhere else in the game.
• Private Dealer: Allows you to play gambling games in your penthouse.
• Office: Adds a standard computer, a Gun Locker, and a money vault (don't get excited, it's just aesthetic).
• Extra Bedroom: Bedrooms in owned properties in GTA Online are used as spawn points, so why can you pay to have an extra one? Because you can now allow a friend of yours to claim it! The Extra Bedroom allows a friend of yours to use your penthouse as a spawn apparently, though the exact implementation of this is not completely clear.
• Garage: Access to the Penthouse's garage bay.

How do I get the armored car?

• To recieve the Enus Paragon R (Armoured), you have to complete the Diamond Casino's mission series, which you must own a penthouse to access. Once of the missions are complete, you'll be given the vehicle for free! But remember, it's uninsured and you only get it once, so immediately go into passive mode and take it to the nearest Los Santos Customs to insure it, or else you could lose the vehicle permanently.

Passive Mode

Good news, passive mode has been fixed!

• Passive Mode can now no longer be active when using a weaponized vehicle
• A Passive Mode cooldown of 2 minutes is now in place for players who have just killed another player
• Players now must wait 5 minutes before they can activate Passive Mode again after disabling it
• Players now must wait 30 seconds before they can disable Passive Mode after activating it

These changes make is so that grievers can no longer abuse passive mode, or at least no where near as easily. If you start to get the upper-hand on a griefer and destroy whatever death-machine they're using to troll you, or if you confront them in a death-machine of your own, they can't abuse Passive Mode to try to get the upper-hand on you!

Solo Session

Check the Mega Guide for ways to push yourself into a public Online session with no one else in it. Keep in mind that some missions and abilities are unavailable if there's no one else with you though!

Bugs and Glitches

• Apparently on PS4 and Xbox One, you must have full size of GTA V available to download the update, so if you have less than ~60GB free, you may have trouble downloading the update. This does not mean that the entire game is re-downloaded, it just means that the update may not download if you don't have that much space available.

Credits

Special Thanks: u/Rebored_Warrior - Sent me the official patch notes link!

• u/LordMcze - Information on countries that restrict players from gambling functions.

1. No, every ruler does not in fact need an evil chancellor. So I cannot "volunteer" to leyshift back to Rome and fill the role for Nero before she becomes a heroic spirit.
2. Not allowed to confuse Tamamo Cat further than she already is. Making her think her cat slash dog paws are bear paws makes things entirely too confusing for everyone else.
2a. Making her think they are the pastry bear paws instead of animal bear paws just makes things awkward at desert time.
3. Not allowed to upgrade "Polygamist Castration Fist" to "Polygamist Castration Rifle". Even if the target really is David and not Goshujin-sama, the original version will work just fine.
3a. Not allowed to use "Polygamist Castration Slingshot" either. While he may be one of the biggest playboys and womanizers in history, using his own sling is taking it too far.
3b. Any attempt to make a replacement sling for him in the immediate aftermath using his own sack is vetoed. This goes double if I try and do so while it is still attached to its owner.
4. Kiyohime and the concept of paolaos shall never meet. Kiyohime does not my need help to cause trouble.
4a. Not allowed to introduce Kiyohime to bronze bulls either.
4b. If it involves hot metal, I'm not allowed to introduce it to Kiyohime.
5. Before annoying the King of Heroes, I should take into account I have Divinity and act accordingly.
6. Before taunting Osakabehime about taking the spot of the resident fox in Chaldea, I will remember that her and Blackbeard are in a doujin circle and highly active on the digital art scene.
6a. If I fail to heed the above, I have no one but myself to blame when the market is suddenly flooded with R18+ Fox Girl doujins starring my likeliness.
7. The Yata No Kagami, while a personal possession and my Noble Phantasm, is also one of the Imperial Regalia of Japan. Therefore, I will treat it with dignity and respect.
7a. Using it as a washbasin mirror for my morning ritual does not count as treating it with respect. Or dignity.
8. The skill's name is "Imperial Privliege EX". Not "Nero EX Machina".
9. Before teasing Vlad III about how much more useful he is as a Berserker than a Lancer, I will remember he takes violent offence to Legend of Dracula.
9a. Even if I'm responsible for carrying him when he's in Berserker class.
10. Not allowed to use Leyshifts to haunt Abe no Seimei after my historical death. Heroic Spirit is no excuse, and I'm more of an Anti-Hero anyway.
10a. Not allowed to use Leyshifts to try and pose as Abe no Seimei's mother before my historical death for any reason. Goshujin-sama does not want to have to spend that much quartz to summon me again again.
10b. Not allowed to use Leyshifts to give Ashiya Douman ideas at any point in time.
11. Not allowed to ground Kintoki with a lighting rod just to stop his electricity from making my hair and tails frizzy.
12. Tamamo Cat is not actually a cat. Therefore, I will refrain from using "fox tails" of any kind to mess with her.
12a. I will also remember she, like the rest of the Tamamo Nine, has a grudge against me for cutting her loose like unwanted trash, and if I violate the above rule and end up shaved, it's my own damn fault.
13. "Polygamist Castration Shotgun" is not and will never be a thing.
14. When Nero is the focus of yet another event, I will hold my tongue and not insinuate that Sakurai's doing the writing again.
14a. Even if the event really is terribly written and wanks Nero to high hell, it is possible for other writers to be bad.
15. Not allowed to Leyshift back to ancient Israel and use Polygamist Castration Fist on David's living self.
15a. Contrary to what I may think, the above will have no effect on David's current Heroic Spirit self. If I have issues with this, I can refer them to Nameless.
15b. Even if I want payback for London, using it on Solomon while he's alive will have no effect on the Grand Caster version. If I have issues with this, I can refer them to Nameless.
16. Before using the Yata No Kagami to give everyone a Nero Upskirt, I will remember she has the front of her skirt transparent specificly to show off the contents of said skirt. Also, I will refer to Rule 6.
17. "Girls' Night Out" is vetoed if the members of the away party include myself, Shuten Douji, and Kiyohime. Especially Kiyohime.
17a. When Girls' Night Out is vetoed, can't just Leyshift to ancient Britannia to recreate the Forest of Meat using Circe's Noble Phantasm and the Pond of Wine using Shuten Douji's Noble Phantasm.
17b. Before drinking it, I will remember that Shuten Douji's Noble Phantasm is actually the sake she was poisoned with.
17c. Just because we survived drinking it and none of us were able to remember what happened afterwards, does not mean it had to be awesome and absolutely does not mean we should do it again. Especially when Chaldea had to enlist the druids' help to repair the damage afterwards.
18. Not allowed to play Sniper Elite with Inferno Archer. It's giving me too many ideas.
19. Chaldea does not need a catskin rug. So I can stop trying to convince Proto Cu Chulain and/or Atalante to hunt and skin Tamamo Cat.
19a. If Tamamo Cat catches wind of the above, I should be prepared for her to turn to the tables on me by rounding up the British Heroic spirits for a good ol' fashioned English foxhunt.
20. Not allowed to Leyshift Tamamo Cat to ancient Ulster and try to convince the living Cu Chulain that she's good enough as a replacement for that unfortunate hound he killed. A cat is not fine too.
21. If I've been roped by Osakabehime into being a booth babe for her circle during Comic Market, can't just Shapeshift one of my tails into clothes if I do not like the clothes she has given me to wear. Shapeshift wears off. The venue is public.
21a. While the results may indeed please the crowd and do wonders for Oskabehime's sales in the short term, they also do wonders for her ability to get invited back in the long term.
21b. If the doujins in question are a result of a violation of rule 6, a deliberate violation of rules 21 and 21a does not consitute acceptable payback. Ignoring this will result in having to sell the merchandise in question by myself while Osakabehime and Blackbeard are given a pass to go sightseeing.
21c. All income accrued as a result of a 21b violation is rightfully the property of Osakabehime and Blackbeard's circle, regardless if I autographed the porn books in question or not. Therefore, I will ask for a share of the money. Not try and pocket it and run. They know where I live.
22. Not allowed to offer Shuten Douji's sake to Nero, regardless of whether it is from Shuten's Noble Phantasm or not. Either way, no one wants a repeat of the bedlam which ensued.
22a. In fact, not allowed to offer Oni-grade sake to anyone other than Inferno Archer. Who is Most Definitely Not An Oni.
22b. No longer allowed to offer Oni-grade Sake to Inferno Archer. By mutual agreement of everyone in Chaldea, we will never speak of this again.
23. No longer allowed to play in volleyball tournaments with Kiyohime. We take it too far.
24. Just because I now have two tails to Tamamo Cat's one doesn't make me twice as Tamamo as her.
24a. Nor does have three tails make me three times as Tamamo as Tamamo Cat.
25. Not allowed to try and exorcise Berserkers in their sleep with Shinto rituals. They're not possessed, and it won't work.
26. Not allowed to tell Spartacus Nero is an opressor and sit back and watch the fireworks, unless I want Nero spilling my past as Daji and Bao Si to Spartacus too. That sword cuts both ways, and I will be stuck with the repair bill.
27. I will not give Nezha an excuse to turn me into a rare prism. So I won't crack jokes about channeling my past acts as Daji while in the presence of her.
28. Luxury salon visits for my tails and tails alone do not count as business expenses for Chaldea, and no ammount of logic will convice Da Vinci otherwise. Besides, we're in Antarctica, we don't even have taxes here.
29. While Elizabeth has indeed being growing in number over the past few years, asking her if Takeuchi draws her is rude.
30. "The Nursery kiddies asked me to, you know!" is not a justification for temporarily taking Origin Form and scorching Chaldea in the proccess. While a nine tailed fox may be central to the plot, most nine tailed foxes aren't also Solar deitiy bunreis.
31. Perverts don't actually bleed strawberry syrup or milk. So I can let Medb out of Carmilla's Phantom Maiden already... and put away the pancakes.
33. "Partying like it's the end of the Shang dynasty" is forbidden. Any attempt by me to circumvent this while on Chaldea's grounds will be met by an attempt by Nezha to send me back to the Throne. This goes double if Goshujin-sama is involved.
34. If the words "Polygamist Castration Grenade Launcher" ever cross my lips again, Chaldea is throwing together a SWAT team on the spot to deal with it.
35. Not allowed to Leyshift back to Septem, kidnap the living Nero and use my Shapeshift to take her place and deliberately lead the country to ruin just for old time's sake. Nero doesn't need the help.
35a. Not allowed to convince the Heroic Spirit Nero- either of them- to help by convincing them to take the living Nero back to Chaldea to hold a triple concert with herself. Any medical bills which pile up as a result will be paid for out of my pocket.
35b. Not allowed to use Rome's treasury to pay for said medical bills.
36. Tamamo Cat does not appreciate being taken for walks on the end of a leash. In fact, she rather objects to the original Tamamo-that is to say, yours truly- trying to do so. Violently.
37. Not allowed to seal Medb in her room with talismans in the morning to avoid dealing with her during the day. That means some poor son of a bitch is trapped in there with her. Without hydration.
38. Just because Vlad III and all the other offense-oriented Arts Servants need my Fox's Wedding skill every few minutes does not make them addicts.
38a. I am not Walter White or Pablo Escobar, and will not act like it when they ask me to use Fox's Wedding again.
38b. Greek deities in particular are infamous for being massive assholes. I will remember this before Euryale gets pissed enough to charm the enemy into beating the fox out of me.
38c. My netflix pivlieges are revoked if all I'm using it for is messing with my teammates. Just because my cards are never selected doesn't mean I have to kill boredom while the rest of the team is fighting for their lives.
39. While in Tamamo Shark mode, I am not allowed unsupervised access to the kitchen and Goshujin-sama's food. If Goshujin-sama "accidentally" falls unconcious after eating my handiwork again, the remaining duration of my summoning is directly related to how long Mash and Kiyohime take to hunt me down.
39a. This also applies to other Servant's food. Kiyohime's still suspicious about what happened that night when everyone slept a lot longer and harder than usual, and it's in my own best interest she not find out.
40. Osakabehime is not an outdoors person. I will remember this before dragging her to the beach on the hottest day of summer.
40a. If she ends up summoning her castle in an attempt to escape the sun and heat, it's my fault if the coastline is permanently altered.
41. While perfectly understandable, attempting to seal Medb in magical ice for one thousand years is overkill.
42. When Nero is actively using Migraine B, she doesn't need to leave the fight to take five and I should not encourage her to do so.
43. The skill's name is "Thrice-Setting Sun". Not "Cockroach Mode Activate!".
44. Ibaraki Douji is eminently bullyable. Everyone, especially Shuten Douji, can agree on this. This does not mean I should try and convince her that her own horns are made of pocky to see if she really would eat them.
44a. If I instead convince her that Shuten Douji's horns are made of strawberry candy, I'm the one dealing with the fallout.
44b. Convincing Ibaraki that Inferno Archer's horns are made of Twizzlers will also convince Inferno Archer I'm a wonderful practice target.
45. Kiyohime does not need additional strengthening. So I will refrain from giving her fire talismans and the knowledge of how to use them. No one will give use fire insurance as it is.
46. Not allowed to crank call Emperor Sutotku to rub it in his face that the other two Great Youkai of Japan have made it into FGO while he's still sitting on the Throne of Heroes. No one wants to deal with his curses.
47. Not allowed to trick Tamamo Cat into wearing a weighted swimsuit. She's liable to take it off and become a public disturbance, and as she has my face I will be the one dealing with the consequences. And the police.
48. Not allowed to challenge Meltlilith to a Bride-Off. As it turns out, Tsunderes react badly to being called out on the target of their affections.
49. If I challenge Nero Bride to a Bride-Off, I have only myself to blame if she shows up with a microphone and sound equipment.
50. Not allowed to trick people into telling white lies in the presence of Kiyohime. If I do, I am responsible for cleanup afterwards.
51. Recreating the Forest of Meat with Spicy Roulette Sweet Pastries and tricking Ibaraki Douji into trying to eat it all is cruel and unusual. She's not bright enough to stop after the first "miss".
51a. Not allowed to create a pool of soda pop laced with ghost pepper extract for the purpose of tricking Ibaraki into jumping in to drink it either.
51b. If Minamoto no Yorimitsu starts taking notes, I'm going too far in bullying Ibaraki. If Nezha is winding up her Noble Phantasm, not only have I gone way too far, I should be running.
52. Covering Nikola Tesla in liquid rubber in his sleep to keep my hair and tails from frizzing around him is going too far.
53. If I need to borrow No-Face May King from Green to escape from Nezha's wrath, it is going to be assumed I have violated something on this list.
54. I may, however, send Tamamo Cat as a sacrifical scout to unexplored singulairities as I please.
54. Not allowed to make unsanctioned alterations to the list, shapeshifted or not. Nice try Tamamo. Did you really think you could pull a fast one on this perfect genius? - Da Vinci.
55. If I attempt to mess with the kitchen to prank Tamamo Cat, I am also pranking everyone else on cooking rotation as well. This will have consequences when my meal is served.
56. BB is not actually a licensed nurse, veterinarian, surgeon or other medical professional. So I will not drag a drugged Tamamo Cat to her for a checkup.
57. If I attempt to drag Osakabehime from Summer Comiket to go to the beach, they will never find the body. Mine, that is. As Goshujin-sama would like to avoid having to save for my next rate-up again, I will refrain from this course of action.
58. While we are at the beach, I will refrain from publicly and loudly informing Nero Bride that her swimsuit has the exact same pattern as a popular onahole.
59. The very thought of a Polygamist Castration Sticky Fragmentation Grenade is forbidden.
60. If Medb is being "loud" at night, can't just stick fire talismans to her wall and seal the door to shut her up. Those electronics are valuable and difficult to replace. Instead, I should just threaten her with cheese to shut her up.
61. The proper response to realizing Minamoto no Yorimitsu learned a thing or two from Abe no Seimei is not trying to hit her on the head "just right" so she forgets it. An amnesiac Raikou, while actually appreciated by Kiyohime and Serenity, causes more problems than it solves.
62. Even if I'm on a stall team, it's considered bad manners to bring a folding chair, boxed lunch, and book to a fight. Even if we're fighting the goddamn hermit crabs.
63. Gifting Medb a pond full of melted cheese and the unconcious, drugged form of the various Cu Chulains on an island is cruel to all parties involved. The price for this prank will be paid once Cu Chulain Alter wakes up.
64. If Nezha discovers I've covertly encouraged Jack the Ripper to target pregnant women for the sake of appeasing an old curiosity or two of mine, my death won't even warrant a single round of combat.
65. While Lu Bu is indeed the Tamamo Killer, not allowed to lock him in a cage fight with Tamamo Cat.
66. Not allowed to fuck with BB's head by secretly moving objects in her room while she's out.
67. While actually appreciated, infiltrating a singularity ahead of time to weaken and bring down the villain from within is bad idea. Too many Heroic Spritis are genre savy about this, and my reputation precedes me- in more ways than one at this point.
68. Passionlip cannot use her hands. So using a permanent marker to write "Flotation Device" on her chest while she is asleep is not appeciated. Failure to heed this may result in being compacted as "garbage".
69. Not allowed to buy all the earplugs in Chaldea then sell them back right outside of Elizabeth and Nero's Joint Recital.
69a. A fair number of the Servants present in Chaldea were either outlaws or "classic" heroes. So I should not try to price gouge them unless I want my merchandise stolen.
70. Note to self: Trying to out-meta BB is a really, really bad idea, unless I want the next CCC event to feature "Tamamo Punching Bag".
71. Not allowed to try and get revenge on Elizabeth or Medusa for any events of Extella unless I want to sound the gong for Super Smash Bros Chaldea Edition. Considering that even collectively we couldn't afford the repair bill, instead we will collectively agree that those events "didn't happen".
72. The skill's name is "Alluring Nightingale A". Not "Spot The Lolicon".
73. Not allowed to enlist Moriarty's help in building a Polygamist Castration Device of any kind.
73a. Especially if the intended test subject is Holmes.
74. The Noble Phantasm's name is "Fintan Finegas", not "Fionn's Pacifier". Fionn would really appreciate it if everyone, not just Tamamo, remembered this.
75. When Suzka Gozen is summoned, the appropiate greeting is a polite welcome. Not a flamethrower.
76. Not allowed to convince Passionlip to do a swan dive into the deep end. All repairs for the pool will come out of my pocket.
77. Not allowed to crank call the rest of the Tamamo Nine to taunt them over the fact that Cat and I got in and they didn't. If Chaldea pays the price down the line, I'm going to have to pay it back. With interest.
78. During Winter either Comiket, I must stay within public decency guidelines while in the cosplay section if accompanying Blackbeard and Osakabehime.
78a. Must stay within public decency standards while in cosplay even if not accompanying Black and Osakabehime's circle.
79. Mikoooon! Is not, in fact, the universal language. I will use proper Japanese unless I want to be confused with Tamamo Cat.
80. Not allowed to complain that I still have not gotten to truly star in an event or chapter despite every other Servant from Extra getting signficant parts in various singularities and events.
81. Sealing the villain of the singularity in eternal ice is heroic. Sealing their privates with "Polygamist Castration Frostbite!" is an alignment check. Yes, even if I am Neutral Evil.
81a. Medb is an exception to the above rule. Seal away. -Mash Kyrielight
82. Not allowed to teach Saber Lily the Polygamist Castration Fist. She's too dangerous as it is.
83. BB does not appreciate retrieval of the interactions between her origin and a certain Goshujin-sama of the Moon Cell. Especially if they are then publicly broadcast through Chaldea.
83a. If BB obtains the Elizabeth and Medusa endings of Extella and broadcasts them through Chaldea as as retaliation, I am to turn the other cheek and end it there. Further escalation will result in a full-fledged Holy Grail War.
84. I will stick rigidly to the approved list of meats when cooking if I value my life. If I treat the Servants and staff of Chaldea to suspicious meat, Nezha will not hesitate to treat me to the Jack Bauer interrogation method until I spill the beans.
85. Going up to Minamoto no Yorimitsu and asking for a glass of milk "straight from the tap" is the same as asking for Goou Shourai- Tenmoukaikai. Failure to heed this rule may result in lots of property insurance claims on Chaldea's behalf.
85a. Attempting to pass the blame to Shuten Douji both causes the damage to escalate and results in their wrath converging on me in the end. Failure to heed this rule will result in a terrified Ibaraki. Again.
86. Suprisingly, attempting to remind Goshujin-sama of Kiyohime's actual age is incredibly bad for my health. I will remember this if I want to keep her friendship- and more importantly, my life.
87. I do not love the sound of screaming in the morning, especially if Nezha is around.
88. If Shuten praises me and asks for tips, I have gone too far. Regardless of whether it is related to Ibaraki or not.
88a. But especially if it is related to Ibaraki. Shuten should does not need the help.
89. Kintoki does not really appreciate being asked to hold onto rechargeable batteries during combat. Failure to heed this rule will invoke a certain "mother"'s wrath.
90. The skill is "Whim of Goddess A". Not "Budget Wedding E-".
91. Nero would appreciate it if I did not add her historical self to the Tamamo Fan Club mailing list on a whim. Ten times.
92. Not allowed to start a Polygamist Castration Fist Dojo. That will only lead to Tiger Dojos.
92a. The above goes double if Jaguarman is signed up... as an instructor.
92b. This goes quadruple if Illya is signed up as a student. This one is mostly innocent and pure, and I should keep her that way.
93. Unleashing Illya with her maid fetish on Tamamo Cat while the latter is in her second acscension is fighting dirty.
93a. Not allowed to secretly record the results of 93 and sell it on Chaldea's black market, no matter how much of a killing could be made thanks to the male staff and certain Servants.
93b. The fact Illya's Mystic Code likely made a recording as well is not a valid counter argument against 93a.
94. The motto of the Tamamo Nine is not "Nine Tamamo Enter, One Tamamo Leaves!"
95. Ushiwakamaru does not appreciate competition for head pats. If I want to keep my head on my shoulders, I will not try and steal her head pats.
96. Before teasing Kuro, I will remember she likes to drain mana and has a very particular way of doing it. If she ends up lewding me, I was warned.
96a. If footage of a 96 violation ends up on Chaldea's black market, my first suspect will be Illya's Mystic Code, Ruby. I will not use this as an excuse to try and convince King Hassan to bring me Tamamo Cat's head in the guise of upholding Chaldea's morals.
96b. If I ask King Hassan to bring me the head of a Tamamo, it is in my best interests I specify exactly which Tamamo's head I am talking about. Sanson was able to fix it up, but even he was impressed at the sharpness of the cut.
97. Not allowed to just ask Andersen for his tablet and queue up some Netflix if Irisviel and Waver join the party, even if we all know what's comming.
98. While appreciated to no end by her neighbors, it is kinder to just kill Medb than it is to seal her inside cheese.
100. I will not even joke about corrupting Xuanzang or leading her to temptation and ruin, unless I want to wake up with Nezha's lance lodged inside my head. No, not my bed, my head.
100a. If I somehow survive the above, I will need to wait for treatment just like everyone else in the infirmary. If I'm walking and yelling under my own power, it can wait.
101. Not allowed to take Jing Ke back via Leyshift for a "Do-Over". The established history will stay as-is.
101. It's "Whimsical Bond A". Not "Orion Castration Fist".
102. I will not attempt to raid Musashi's udon stash for a late-night snack unless I wish to experience her peerless swordsmanship first-hand.
103. Before ribbing Kojiro over how he never even really existed, I will remember he is known as The Savior of France for a reason, lest I loose even more tails.
104. Feeding anyone Kotaro's hyourougan rations is a violation of every human rights treaty in existence, especially when my own cooking is so much better. I will remember this unless I want to be dumped on the shores of Antartica and be forced to make my way back with nothing but said food pills as sustenance.
105. Although he hates it, the skill's proper name is "Legend of Dracula A+". Not "Legend Of the Edge".
106. No, I do not need to be subscribed to every bridal magazine that has existed throughout history. Nor do I need to set Chaldea to be billed for the subscription fees.
106a. If Kiyohime snarks I don't even need those as I am even more of a "maiden" than Osakabehime is, not allowed to try to start a full-fledged Holy Grail War to pay her back.
107. Poolside drinks I serve had better stick to ingredients approved for human consumption. Roofies are decidedly not part of that list, and I will avoid using them unless I want Kiyohime teaming up with Mash and Nezha to hunt me down.
108. If my Origin Unsummons Goshujin-sama to find out what the hell I have been up to, I better have a good explanation to Mash as to why She felt the need to Unsummon her Senpai in the first place.
108a. If my Origin does not return Goshujin-sama in the exact same state as they left, there will be consequences. Shield-shaped consequences.
109. I am a jackal fox, not a cat. So I need to come out from under the kotatsu in the winter time when there's work to do.
110. Chaldea does not need a Miko Squad. So I can stop bugging Chiyome about forming one. Chaldea tends to the brute force method of dealing with lingering souls and demons. Just ask Leonidas.
111. I will not forment discord in modern Japan in the hopes it will break up and fragment just so Oda Nobunaga can relive her glory days by trying to unify it again.
112. Just because I appear in three different mythologies does not make me three times as Heroic as the other Servants.
113. Using my conversations with Karna to convince him to fight with his brother at full strength is abuse of his trust in me.
113a. It doesn't matter if it's the middle of the Antartic winter, there are better means of getting entertainment.
114. Not allowed to annoy Kiara by contradicting her on the finer points of Buddhism. Leave that to Xuanzang, she's actually pure enough to not notice- or more importantly, understand- any underhanded attempts by Kiara to corrupt her.
115. Not allowed to abuse Ozymandias's accepting me as his little sister to get him to buy things for me, unless I want a one-way trip to the Egyptian underworld.
116. On a related note, Nitocris really does not appreciate insinuations that her mirror is a portal to the Shadow Realm. None of the Egyptian Spirits are overfond of that series, and I would be wise to remember that.
117. While appreciated, selling painkillers at the doors to Nero's live concert is in really poor taste.
118. Minamoto no Yorimitsu is one of the best Mystery slayers in history. I will remember this before using her Jocasta complex as joke material in her presence.
119. No one's buying it if I try to cover for Kiyohime's latest victim by claiming it was a burnt offering to Amaterasu. No. Just... no.
120. It is worth remembering when arguing with Minamoto no Yorimitsu that she aspires to be the exact opposite of a "Mother Fucker". Pretending to be shocked and disgusted at this is a great way to encourage her to give a demonstration of her Noble Phantasm.
121. It's "Magic Medicine A". Not "Irisviel's Shady New Drug A". That's Ruby's job.
121. The skill is called "Human Observation A". Not "Snarky Brat EX".
122. Meltlilith does not appreciate insinuations that her Melt Virus is a sexually transmitted disease. She also reacts violently to attempts to keep her from Goshujin-sama. Doing both at the same time is a fantastic way to ger her to give a personal demonstration of the Melt Virus. I will keep this in mind for the future.
123. If Medb asks me to hook her up with certain medicinal compounds I may or may not have used and abused to further my goals as Tamamo Shark, the first thing I need to do is not ask her if she has told anyone else.
123a. While no one really likes Medb aside from Fergus, if she disappears without warning I better bet there will be an investigation. We have Holmes. The outcome of this should be obvious.
123b. Teaming up with Moriarty to hide Medb's whereabouts from Holmes is not going to work if I'm the first, last, and only suspect in her disappearance.
123c. Dumping Medb back in ancient Connacht does not solve anything, and if Medb creates a new singularity in the proccess Moriarty and I have to drag her back and fix the mess ourselves.
124. Not allowed to stamp "Counterfeit" in permanent ink on Suzuka Gozen's forehead while she is asleep, unless I'm prepared for her to retaliate in kind. It is worth remembering she is familiar with gyaru fashion and is not afraid to weaponise it. I forget this at my own risk.
125. Cursing "Saint" Martha is both pointless and painful, no matter which version she is in. I will remember this unless I want Tarasque to take a vacation at my expense as I am forced to fill in for him. Perfect saint my tails!
125a. Complaining "Saint" Martha is more of a delinquent than a saint merely extends my stay as Tarasque's stand in. By one week each time. Martha will be out farming doors for each of those weeks.
126. Yours truly may have a noblewoman's laugh, but if at any time I start channeling Naga the Serpent to improve on it, everyone is selling me out to Nezha, Minamoto no Yorimitsu, and Abe no Seimei, should he have been summoned. Yes, everyone includes Nero. And Karna. And Jeanne D'Arc. And Jeanne D'Arc Santa Alter Lily. No one wants to deal with that, especially if the rest of the Tamamo Nine eventually come to Chaldea.
127. Not allowed to slap a !!WARNING!! FLAMMABLE! sign on Suzuka Gozen's back. No matter how much makeup she has on, it doesn't make her a fire hazard.
128. Tama-chan, my skill's name is "Mystic Eyes B+". Not "Steal Yo Husbando EX". -Suzuka Gozen
128a. Nor is it "Netorare Eyes EX", Tamamo. Mystic. Eyes B+. -Suzuka Gozen
128b. God fucking dammit you stupid beast! They're not "Mystic Eyes of Slut Perception"! "Mystic! EYES! B+"! Do you want to end up on the ends of my swords!? -Suzuka Gozen
Ohohoho. Big words from a fake fox posing as a fake highschool girl wearing a fake getup. I mean, isn't your entire image barely even at the level of being a cosplayer?? - Tamamo no Bae
129. If I pick a fight with Suzka Gozen or vice versa, we are banned from deploying our Noble Phantasms in the mess hall. If we fail to heed this, in addition to paying for the damage caused, we must also share the same room for the next seven nights and be deployed in the same party together for seven days. We will be farming Riders and Archers and Berserkers. Including Chimeras. Alone. Without backup. And no Craft Essences.
130. Not allowed to mess with NORAD's warning systems for my own amusement. No, not even to relive my days as Bao Si.
130a. This goes double if I attempt to use Arash to do so.
130b. I can use Enkidu just as soon as I finish explaining to Gilgamesh what exactly I am doing to the only one worthy to be his friend. The infirmary, morgue and summoning circle will all wait.
130c. Attempting to work with Oda Nobunaga to turn a grail into a bomb and set it off over North Korea is a one way ticket to Da Vinci and/or The Hague. For both of us.
130d. If Chibi Tamas get created from this mess, Nobu and I have to clean them up. In addition to the Chibi Nobus. And we still have to visit Da Vinci and/or The Hague afterwards.
130e. Not allowed to try and weasel out of it by telling Spartacus that the Hague and/or Da Vinci are oppressors. It won't work, Da Vinci's already prepared for that possibility.
131. On a related note, I am banned from coming within 100 feet of the grail storage room.
132. I may be Amaterasu's bunrei. However, if I am not in my third or fourth ascension, my tails are still flammable. When this happens, the appropiate response is to stop, drop, and roll. Not run around like a chicken with my head cut off and spread the fire. This should be a basic skill for anyone with a pre-existing friendship with Kiyohime.
132a. Even if we were just pen pals. Kiyohime's letters should have made her pyromania abundantly clear.
133. I will avoid cursing anyone on Chaldea's staff- especially the women. They all flock to talk to Nameless, and Nameless is the best damn cook we have, even including yours truly. It's not exactly difficult for him to arrange a week's worth of otherwise delicious meals filled with nothing but things that this Tamamo hates, while also keeping me off the cooking roster for the duration. Tamamo Cat wild gladly assist him with this.
133a. Any attempts at unleashing the Polygamist Castration Fist on Nameless as payback runs a real risk of instant and overwhelming retaliation by the original King of Knights. I will reflect on this while I spend the next week regenerating.
134. If Tamamo Cat and Suzuka Gozen manage to strike up a friendship fueled solely by a mutual black hatred for my existence, not allowed to attempt to recruit Illya to defeat them with the power of love. She not that kind of magical girl.
134a. Illya is not a certain "White Devil". So encouraging her to use even more firepower is not going "befriend" anyone.
134b. If Suzuka Gozen and Tamamo Cat genuinely bond in the aftermath, I only have myself to blame. I should refer to back to this list if I need to ask why.
135. There is no legitimate reason for me trying to take Origin Form while in Chaldea. I do not need all nine tails for anything, especially when the aftermath of returning to normal may spawn a new story arc on its own.
135a. If I can argue convincingly it's an attempt to save the Director, permission granted, but I better show tangible results.
135b. Goshujin-sama also better survive the mana drain, or I'm not going to survive the beating Mash delivers. Turns out, it doesn't matter if she lost her Servant form. A folding chair and a little reinforcement magic from Medea is all she needs.
136. I have no valid reason to "borrow" Mephistopheles's scissors. Even if I plan on giving them back eventually.
136a. Attempting to "refine" the Polygamist Castration Fist is not a valid reason.
137. Medb is most definitely not a virgin. So I should stop suggesting her as a virgin sacrifice to appease the gods of old while Leyshifted. Although her current neighbors will likely be incredibly enthusiastic, it will just immensely piss off the gods.
137a. Likewise, dragons generally specify a high-born virgin sacrifice. Medb is indeed of high breeding, and royalty at that. Her virginity, on the other hand, is mythical in its own right. So she is not an appropriate candidate for dragon bait and I should not suggest her for it.
138. Just because I want or own something doesn't make it "Tamamo no Mae-n". If that pun is heard again within the walls of Chaldea, Tamamo Cat has the right to lock me into a cage match with Lu Bu. Not even Gilgamesh's puns are so bad.
139. Not allowed to steal one of Suzuka Gozen's swords and replace it with a vibrator to see if she notices. While she may actually appreciate the trade off, it gimps her in a fight.
139a. Rule 139 does not apply if she is currently farming Amazons. In which case, I am allowed to do the above as it is actually amazingly effective. Just ask Penthesilea.
139b. If I cannot get it back, I will absolutely not start a Holy Grail War to do so. I will just purchase a replacement from Da Vinci like everyone else.
140. I am adorable. That is not and will not be disputed. However, not matter how adorable I may be, it does not excuse me for anything, so don't try it. We have Astolfo, Asterios, Jeanne D'Arc Alter Santa Lily, and many others who are adorable in their own right. That tactic won't work.
141. I should not taunt that shitty cock wizard that I still carry the one viable meta that he cannot. The day he gets a strengthening, I will face a reckoning.
142. Meltlilith does not appreciate her combat prosthetics being switched with pirate peg legs.
142a. Attempting to steal Passionlip's arms, while actually appreciated by her, is utterly pointless. She weighs over a ton for good reason... and no, it's not her tits.
142b. If I steal BB's slot machine, I am responsible for what happens afterward.
143. If I curse Suzuka Gozen to shatter any mirrors she looks in, it's my fault if she accidentally breaks a window leading to the outside. We live on a mountain in Antartica. Replacement windows are not cheap.
144. Attempting to steal Suzuka Gozen's underwear while she is in the bath and replace it with a set lined with capsaicin is pointless. To put it mildly, as I now know, she's not exactly the biggest fan of undergarments to begin with.
144b. Not allowed to break Goshujin-sama's brain with this revelation. As hilarious as it is to watch their interactions with Suzuka afterwards, Mash does not appreciate it.
144c. Not allowed to break Mash's brain with this revelation either. Although she makes for a hilarious steaming tomato, we need her functioning. Not beet red and stuttering every time she tries to talk with Suzuka. Or Goshujin-sama. Hmmm...
144d. If I use the Yata no Kagami to give everyone a Mash Upskirt one week later, there is no force in heaven or hell that will save my life. This goes quintuple if one of the people I give a show is Goshujin-sama. Also, Rule 6.
145. It is a flagrant waste of magical energy to convince Nero to just invoke Domus Aurea if she cannot secure the auditorium for her guerrilla concert.
146. Not allowed to trade tail fluffs for Fous. That's just playing dirty.
146a. Not allowed to trade tail fluffs for grails. Have I no shame? (Of course not!)
147. Any suggestion of mine is vetoed if it's clearly a ploy to get Tamamo Cat killed and make it look like a not-so-tragic accident.
148. Not allowed to prank Tamamo Cat by spraying a dragon with silver vine. This goes double if the dragon in question belongs to a certain staff-wielding Rider.
149. Goshujin-sama would appreciate it if I don't put a curse on them involving cold and hot water and gender bending out of boredom. That being said, Mash doesn't seem to mind quite so much...
150. If Tamamo Cat and Suzuka Gozen's attempt at vengeance goes horribly wrong, I am not to actively make the situation worse just to get my own event or singularity out of the debacle.

Part 1: My Wife Is Making Write About This | Part 2: Road Trip Down A Dark Memory Lane | Part 3: Arrival At Black Fog Mountain | Part 4: Happy Endings Never Happen
19
Late Evening July 1st 2012. We’re at a Motel 6. For anyone who missed my previous posting I’ve added a link above. In it you will find a broken man trying to tell the story of his abduction for the first time. Anyone who has suffered from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse will want to skip all of this. What you need to know is that I was taken from my home when I was 6 years old. I was tortured by monsters over the course of a week. My wife wanted me to write a letter to her which she thought would help me get over the past. I tried to sabotage the attempt by posting what I had written to Reddit. That decision backfired and now I’m determined to finish. I’m compelled to revisit the nightmarish trailer on the mountain where most of the abuse happened. Will it help? I don’t know. Everything is different now. I feel strange. My family has been on the road for a day and a half. We’re not there yet, but we’re getting closer.
20
Standard greeting cards are usually printed on high-quality paper called card stock. Most are rectangular in shape, folded in half, and have a picture or a decorative print on the front side. Inside will be pre-printed message along with a blank space for a sender to add a signature or, if they choose, an additional handwritten message. Some cards even come with a matching envelope. The Greeting Card Association (an international trade organization representing the interests of greeting card and stationery manufacturers) would like you to know that the more money you spend on a card, the more it shows how much you care. That’s why some greeting cards and envelopes feature fancy materials, such as glitter, gold leaf and ribbons. Some even feature sound!
Standard greeting cards are made for almost any occasion: Birthday, Thinking of You, I’m Sorry, Thank you, Graduation, New Baby, Funeral, New Home, Baptism, Sympathy, New Job, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Get Well Soon, Thanksgiving Day, Halloween, Kiss My Ass, New Year's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Friendship, Love, Fun, Wedding, Anniversary, Graduation, Retirement, Congratulations, Invitation. They are subcategorized for the recipient: Age, Relation, Tone and Race. In addition to all those options, they also come in every printable color you can think of.
On the way to the first hotel, while waiting for a freight train to finish passing, I finally open up the envelope addressed to me. The front reads: Get Well Soon Grandma! There’s a picture of a little old lady with a thermometer in her mouth and she’s holding her belly. I open the card and take out the $5 bill that I knew would be there. The inside reads:
Maybe you should have some soup,
Or try licking on an Ice-cream scoop.
I hope you get well.
And I’ll never tell.
That you are having trouble trying to POOP!
No Message. No signature.
A card like this is sent to me every year. They are always different. The only similarities are the cards never have signature or a handwritten message. And there is always a $5 bill inside which I know is supposed to be the real message. I’ve tried my best over the years to bury my past but I’ve dealt with a lifetime of this kind of harassment. I crumple up the $5 bill, roll down the window, and throw it outside. I watch as the wind carries it away. I’m irritated… pissed off. But it’s not all bad, on the bright side I have another card that I can add to the box at home. Since there isn’t a personal message or a signature, I’m going to stick it to the GCA by reusing them. Who knows, maybe one day I will have a Mexican niece whom I can give a sweet sixteen card that will remind her to always practice safe sex.
21
It was shortly before 1am when we arrive at the same motel my captors stayed at back in 1987. Minus bathroom breaks, refueling, and food stops, we’ve been on the road at 15 hours. My wife and son are dead tired. I wish I could say the same. The night manager hands me the keys to room 19. As we’re walking past the old coke & ice machines my hands become clammy. I wonder if I’m about to walk into the same exact room. Inside, everything is dated and old. The T.V. is one of the console tube types with the two dials, the top one you can select channel 1-13 VHF and the bottom has the higher range of VHF. I try to turn it on but it doesn’t work. A yellow pages phone book is on the desk. The Gideon bible is in the night stand. Nothing else stands out. It’s clear the room hasn’t been changed since my last visit. Based on the style of lamps and the shag carpet, I would say the place hasn’t seen a remodel since the mid-1970s.
No additional memories are triggered by being in this place. I don’t feel anything at all.
“You want to stay… here?” my wife says. “We passed a Holiday inn we could go back to--”
“Does that one have a pool?” My son asks through half open eyes. “I wanna go swimming.” His eyes close again, asleep.
“--because I would really like to take a hot bath.”
I sigh.
She doesn’t know anything about my past yet, trusting that I’ll share my story with her when I’m ready. Not yet, I tell myself. I need her to be the strong one, someone I can hold onto while I figure this out. I have to say something though. Otherwise our being in this shithole won’t make sense.
“This is one of the places they took me.”
While looking for something in her purse she suddenly freezes and slowly looks up at me. She searches my face, waiting for me to continue. I don’t. That should be enough. Her shoulders drop.
“Oh. Then we stay.”
But we didn’t.
My wife carefully laid our sleeping son down in the playpen we packed. She took a quick shower, put on a robe and brushed her hair. I watched do all this through the window as I smoked a cigarette outside our room. She opened the door and gave me a kiss.
“Love you. Good night.”
“I love you too,” I said.
“Don’t stay up too late.”
“I won’t.”
I’m thankful she didn’t mention the cigarette. I don’t smoke, or I haven’t smoked in a long time, I mean. All I want is to calm my nerves. Normally I would turn to alcohol but that didn’t go over so well last time.
About 15 minutes after my wife is asleep, I use my laptop to go online. First I double check the route I’ve mapped out. Then I logged on to /NoSleep hoping to find a few encouraging words. There simply isn’t any possible way I can explain how much I appreciate the support I’ve found there. I respond to a few questions and take some criticism into consideration. I’m feeling better… Then I see this: “HEY KID! Coming to see me?” Posted by THE MAN FROM 1987. It takes everything I have not to throw my laptop at the wall. I take a deep breath, hold it, and let it out slowly. It doesn’t help.
Around 3 AM I need to use the bathroom. I can’t hold it any longer. How long have I been avoiding walking in there? How fucking pathetic am I? I pee in the dark. Only when I’m done do I switch on the bathroom light to get a good look at the spot where I was chained, beaten by the women, laughed at by the little girl… and, for the love of god, I just remember, fondled for the first time by the man. It could have been a minute, or it could have been an hour that I stood there staring at myself in the mirror. “I’m going to kill you. I’m going to fucking kill you, kid.” I repeat what he had said to me twice. Then I started to kick the toilette. I kicked it until the tank cracked. I ripped off the shower curtain rod and used it to break the mirror. I hear someone crying from the other room but I’m too busy trying to break the drain from under the sink to give a damn. I’m doing all these things that I wish I could have done back when I was six. Then I feel hands grab me, trying to hold my arms, loving hands wanting me to stop.
Finally, after god knows, I do.
“We can leave now.” I say, out of breath.
Without explaining I give the night manager a check for $750 and write my phone number down on the stationary at the front desk. He’s rightfully confused and asks me what it’s for. I shake my head and shrug. “25 years bad luck,” I tell him.
I drive on for a few hours while my family sleeps. Night driving, for me, is very relaxing. The highways are mostly empty and that freedom makes me feel like speeding. What I’m thinking about is my birthday back in 1987 and the game we were forced to play. I’m going close to 90 when the first rays of the sun snap me back into reality. I see the name of the next exit and I realize I’ve gone off course. Somehow I’ve left the interstate and we’re on a cross highway. Let’s call it a subconscious detour. I take the exit and head towards the motel 6 on the edge of town. It’s time for me to sleep. In the morning, after a good breakfast, I think I’ll be able to write about the past again. Though, I’ve never visited the place up ahead, I know the name. A little girl I once knew lived here a long time ago, back before she liked to torture and kill animals.
22
She stood in front of me with her head cocked to the side as if she didn’t understand something. Tears fell from her eyes just as they did from mine. Her dress had the same crimson stains of blood in the same areas as the clothes that I wore. I try to say something but the words won’t come out. She holds her hands out to me with the palms facing up. She has the same scars on the tips of her fingers as I do. I wish I would have known that we were the same. I wish things had happened differently. I wish it would have been you instead of me. Neither of us was completely broken but she had been forced to bend farther to survive. She fades into the black flames of other nightmares still waiting to be had.
23
Back in 1987 the little girl and I are told to stand in front of each other. The woman tells us that they need to hit the road soon but first we need to have a birthday party game.
“Why didn’t ya tell us it was your birthday?” She said. “I would have made a cake.”
The man pushes her away from. “Shut it, Sally. Which one do you want?”
“I ‘spose I’ll take, oh,” She points at each of us in turn while saying “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" Her finger lands on me. “The boy.”
“Fine. I got the girl. What’s the bet?” He asks.
“Five dollars. And the loser has to do the dishes for a month!”
“Jesus Christ. Deal.”
They both spit in their hands and then shake. All the while the little girl is just staring at me with vacant eyes.
“Should we at least sing happy birthday?” She asks.
He ignores her and kneels down in front of the two of us.
“Pay attention, ya hear me? This’s Important.”
He’s holding a gun in each hand. The little girl and I both look at him.
“This is a little ol’ game I invented called Junkie Roulette. The rules aint as simple as normal roulette but I recon you’ll catch on quick enough. Understand? Nod if ya do.”
I nod. The little girl doesn’t. This draws his unwanted attention away from me and he focuses solely on her. “I aint even got to the rules yet and you’re the one I’m goin’ to have a problem with?”
“But I’m being good. You said if I was good I—“
The man grabs her by the neck and squeezes. Only when her eyes start to roll back does he let go. She falls to the ground and he gives her a solid slap to the face.
“Get up, sweetie.” The women says. “We can’t keep ya anymore is all.”
“Now where was I,” the man says, “Right, the rules. You each get a gun. Just like, uh, what’s that game? The one with the funny dog?”
“Duck hunt,” the woman says.
“Right, Duck Hunt. Anyway, there’s two guns and each of the guns has one bullet. Got that? Nod if ya do.”
The little girl and I both nod.
“Good. I got you girl, so you pick. Which of these here guns do ya want?” He holds them both out and she points to the one on the right. “Alright, take it. Here kid,” he says, “this one will be yours.”
I take the gun into my hand.
“So like I said there’s one bullet in each of those guns. Don’t know which chamber it will be in. Sally, you wanna come spin the chambers. I don’t wanna spoil the surprise.”
The women takes the gun from me. She opens it up somehow and gives the circular thing a good spin before swinging it closed again and handing it back to me. She does the same thing to the gun the little girl is holding.
“Now you can do one of two things. You can point your gun at the other person.” He demonstrates this by grabbing the arm of the little girl and raising it until the barrel of the gun is pressed up against the middle of my chest. “Or you can point it at your own head.” Now he grabs my arm and bends it until the barrel of the gun I’m holding is pressed up against the side of my head.
“Isn’t that a sight!” He laughs.
“Been a long time since we’ve seen it played.” The woman says.
“So far, so good. Now you take turns pulling the trigger. Since you picked the gun,” He says to the little girl, “the kid gets to shoot first.”
I hear a CLICK. The little girl had pulled the trigger while the gun was still pressed to my chest.
“FOR FUCK SAKE!” He screamed. “Don’t you have any respect for the rules?”
“You’d have done the same,” the woman says.
“Mayhaps. But if she aint going to play fair. I’m gonna to stomp her head in with my boot.”
He grabs her arm and suddenly he has a blow torch in his hand. He holds the flame to her arm and the little girl screams in agony. I’m still holding the gun to my head while she’s screaming.
“Do not pull that trigger again until I tell you. Now here is how reward and punishment work... Listen and listen closely. If you pull the trigger while it’s pointed at the other person and nothing happens, you get the torch. Hurts don’t it?”
“You don’t want the torch, nope.” The woman says.
“But if you hold the gun to your own head and nothing happens, well then you get the Junk.”
He holds up a small glass pipe. Inside the pipe is what looks like white crystals.
“It’s good shit. Takes the pain right away, it does. A hit of this will make you forget all about the burn. Keep that in mind. Any questions? It’s your turn boy. Aim at her or at yourself and pull on the trigger, that’s all you got to do.”
I don’t understand any of what he’s said. I’m looking at the blister forming on the arm of the little girl and all I can think about is how much it must hurt. I burned my leg once on a heater when I was 4 and I know that the torch would be much worse. The gun is still to my head.
“You can move it and point it at her or pull the trigger like that. You understand, kid?”
“I don’t want to get burned.”
“Then pull the trigger.”
And I do.
Nothing happens.
“Yeah!” the woman screams.
“Shut up sally, game aint over by far.”
“Breath this in kid. Just a little.”
He holds the torch to the crystals in the glass pipe and he places it to my lips. I breathe in, just a little, like I was told. It tastes like burning plastic and hurts my throat. I cough and cough and cough. And then… I don’t even know, or want to explain it. Suddenly I felt like I did when I was first thrown into the van. The comfort and love of death overfilled my little body.
“That’s how you play Junky Roulette!” The man while smiling his twisted smile, “Now if you want some medicine for that burn, girl, you got to pull the trigger on your own head, else you’ll get another burn on your arm, if you’re wrong.”
Without hesitation the little girl aims at me and pulls the trigger again. Click. Still looking straight ahead, without any signs of emotion, she holds out her arm to the man. He gives it another burn. She shakes and clenches her teeth but she doesn’t cry out again.
“Brave girl. You’re turn again, kid. Pick.”
I can smell her burning arm. I don’t want that. Why take a burn when you can feel happy? I point at my head again. Click.
“Well shit, Sally,” He says as he’s holding the pipe back up to my lips. “You ought to just give me that five dollars now.”
“Go girl.” Click.
She’s burned for a third time.
Click.
I get some more medicine.
“Hey sweetie,” the women says to the girl. “Why don’t you do it the other way. I know that arms got to be hurting something fierce.”
“Fuck off, Sally. Stop trying to cheat.” The man says.
“I’m not.”
“Yeah you are. Cut the shit.”
“Fine.”
“Go, girl.”
Click.
And once more she gets another burn. This time she does cry out again. As for me, I’m now sitting on the floor looking at the fibers on the carpet. I’m wondering what it’s like to live as an ant, with everything so much bigger and smarter than you are.
“Kid. Your turn.”
I’ve seen the little girl point the gun at my so many times now that I’m thinking I’m playing wrong, so this time I point it at her and pull the trigger.
Click.
The man grabs my arm and holds the torch up to it. I see the hair burn way and the skin sizzle. It tickles.
“Alright girl, you got two tries left. You can take one for the pain or risk another burn.”
She’s looking at me. I can see she’s debating something. It’s clear she understands this game a lot better than I do. She holds the gun up to her head, thinks, and then points it at me again.
Click.
I see her get burned but now she’s smiling as if she knows something I don’t.
I hold the gun to my own head. I point it at her and then back at myself. I’m mimicking what the little girl did. To me it doesn’t matter either way. I just don’t want to look like I didn’t understand how to play. I aim the gun at her chest.
CRACK.
The little girl is rocked backwards. A pink mist of blood hangs in the air. I look at the smoking barrel of the gun wondering what just happened. The little girl’s leg is slowly kicking up and down. I can hear her trying to say something over and over again.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“FUCK!” the man yells. I see him open up his wallet. He takes out a $5 bill and hands it to the smiling woman.
The little girl stops saying she’s sorry. Sorry for what? I wonder. Her leg stops kicking. Then she stops breathing. All this happens while the man and the women are taking turns putting the glass pipe up to their lips. I walk over and look down at the hole in the chest of the little girl. A pool of blood is spreading on the carpet, so a take a step back, not wanting my bare feet to get wet.
24
Morning July 2nd 2012. First order of business is to call my office to let them know I won’t be in today. The phone is answered on the second ring. I cough loudly and then groan.
“Ugh, Sorry.” I say, “It’s me. I know I’m late. I don’t think I can make it in this morning. Still sick.” I leave out the fact that I’m hundreds of miles away.
“I was wondering where you were. Feeling any better at all?”
“Not really.”
“Eh, sorry. I can handle things here. Get some more rest, you sound like shit.”
“Thanks.”
“And don’t come in tomorrow either. I can’t afford to catch whatever you’ve got.
“Thanks again. I was just about to ask.”
“No problem. See ya Wednesday.”
“Wednesday's the 4th.”
“Oh, that’s right… fine. I’ll see ya on Thursday then. You can help me close out the books.”
“My Birthday. Personal holiday.”
“You’re killing me.” He laughs, “You know that, right?”
I can’t help but to laugh too, accidently dropping the sick routine.
"Friday?" He asks, already knowing the answer.
“Listen Roger,” I say, “You don’t happen to remember what you did with Cringer, do you?”
“What?”
“Nothing. Nevermind.” I say, still smiling, “I’ll see ya when I get back, er, I mean, better. Take care.”
I hang up the phone before he can reply.
Since my wife is still sleeping I decide to fire up minecraft for a little while. Instead of building anything, I spend all my time tearing down structures that I had spent weeks putting together. After I’m satisfied with the destruction, I dig a hole straight down, deeper and deeper, until I fall into an underground cave. The fall didn’t kill my character so I keep on digging, until, finally, I uncover a lava pit and die.
Checking the replies to these postings has become a habit. I answer the questions I can. Some of them though are left unanswered because certain things shouldn’t be said out of context. Once again, I see a reply from THE MAN FROM 1987. This time he says he knows where I am and he’s threatening to come find my family. I know his game though. He’ll probably continue to drop a vague references based on what I’ve written. Or he’ll make guesses at things he shouldn’t be able to know. This time he claims to know the town I’m in. He says he remembers eating at a really good barbeque place. We’re in the goddamn mountains, where I would say barbeque is one of the best-loved foods around. Not much of a stretch to guess at that. Even still, with all the reasons as to why this guy is clearly bullshit, (not to mention I know what happened to the man, you idiot) I call down and ask the girl at the front desk if there’s a place in the area.
“No,” She says.
“Thanks.” I say, relieved.
“Used to be, I think, I can ask the manager, but it closed down years ago.”
I just hand up the phone. Fuck you, man. Seriously, fuck you. Now that morning is spoiled, I tell my wife that we’re leaving. I just want to make one quick stop and then we need to get back on the road.
25
I turn down a side street, which leads to a cul de sac. I see the house, second one on the left, which is a two story split level with an attached garage. The yard is well maintained. Next to the rose bush and the birdbath, there’s a medium sized gnome with a red hat on. I like gnomes.
I park in front of the house and stare at it. My wife stares at it too. In the back seat my son is playing with a teddy bear that I had won for him from a claw machine at the dinner where we had breakfast this morning. (Pancakes, not very good.)
“Hon,” My wife says, “is this where they kept you?”
“No.” I say, while turning up the radio, “I just need a minute.”
A song had caught my ear and I need to listen to it before I decide what to do next. I turn the volume up a few more notches before I close my eyes and drown in the music. My heart aches because After the storm there are so many broken things that can’t be put back together.
When the songs over I hug my wife for a long time.
“Thank you for being here with me. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
Walking up to the door, I’m trying to think of something to say. If this were a story, I’d have a speech ready. I’d know exactly what I was going to say when the door opens. This isn’t a story and my mind is blank. I hesitate and wonder if this is a good idea but that doesn’t stop me from ringing the doorbell.
The woman who answers the door, I know is in her mid fifties, but even with gray streaked dark hair, she looked much younger.
“Hello.” I say.
“Hello.” She smiles, “ Can I help you?”
“I… “ I don’t know what to say, “…was wondering if… I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry,” she says, no longer smiling, “You need to leave. I don’t talk to reporters.”
“But…” I try to say as she closes the door.
Back in the car now I’m frustrated. Why did I come here? What did I hope to accomplish?
“Well, I screwed that up.” I say.
“Who was that woman?” My wife asks.
“Mrs. Jennifer. I knew her daughter,” I say. “This is the house she lived in when they took her.”
“Oh, god, I’m sorry.”
“I called her ‘the little girl’ but she wasn’t that little. She was tough, and strong, and brave.” I bow my head and think back. All the terrible things she had to do. “She did what she needed to survive,” I say. “She was 12 years old when she died.”
Tears well up in my wife’s eyes.
“I don’t know how people can be so cruel to each other. My god.”
I’m holding my wife’s hand as I pull away from the house.
“Her name was Rebecca Harn.” I say, “I think she would have looked a lot like you had she been the one who lived.”
26
When tragedy happens some people will scream "why God, why! This can not be!” Others will try to reassure themselves by saying that it’s all part of a master plan. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens that God hadn’t wanted to happen. But what kind of god has a plan in which innocent children are to be used and thrown away like trash? While the faithful cry out for salvation, there are those who argue that a supreme being wouldn't allow for something like a 12-year-old girl being shot in the chest by another child, especially if that little girl was pregnant. God doesn't exist. Or maybe, God is dead, they claim. Personally I think they all have it wrong. I believe God is alive and well. I believe he is just a bored author writing stories, trying to come up with a perfect anthology. When it's finished it will be something that will make him experience every emotion simultaneously for all eternity. Our problem is that he doesn't know we're real beings, after all, aren’t we just his invention? Pleasures and pains are just plot devices to advance the story. Birth and death are simply ways to introduce or get rid of characters. War, famine, mass murders, even the Great Flood. That’s just God editing out mistakes, cleaning up the plot holes and dropping ideas which aren’t working out like he hoped. Sure, when he’s done, and everything is tied up in a nice little bow, it will look like he had it planned out that way the whole time. As for us, no matter what choices we make, there simply aren't any consequences that affect him. We can be erased at anytime. This is how I choose to look at the world. This is why I don’t ask for mercy. I know I'll only get it if it makes sense for the story...
27
Back in 1987, I’m given a birthday present to play with while the man is busy cutting off the hands and feet of the little girl, which has something to do, he says, about not being able to identify a body.
“Go ahead, give her a little kiss, sweetie.” The woman says. Then she laughs hysterically, “ahead, get it! A Head!” I pick up the little girls head out of my lap and go to give it a kiss on the cheek. I don’t want to do it and I feel like I’m going to throw up. To be honest, I don’t think that playing with someone’s head is a very fun game but I pretend to have fun because I don’t want mine to be chopped off next.
“Hey! Sally! A car’s comin’ up the road. See who it is.”
The woman picks up one of the guns, which have now been fully loaded and she tucks it in the waistband behind her back. She cracks the front door and peeks out. “It’s Tommy!” She screams over the sound of the electric saw.
“Well, see what he wants.” The man says, annoyed.
“Hey, Tommy!” She yells, “What’s shakin’ bacon?”
I hear the sound of footsteps on the patio outside the trailer. The woman doesn’t open the door, she keeps it cracked just enough to put her head outside.
“You got problems.” The voice says, the guy they called Tommy.
“We know. Saw the news.”
“Well it’s worse than that.”
“Yeah, how?”
“Sherriff deputy sniffing around. He said a trucker made a positive I.D. from a mugshot.”
“Well, shit. Hold on.” She turns around and shouts, “Hey! It was that stupid ass trucker.” She pops her head back out the door. “What did you tell him?”
I hear the man grumble something. While the woman is talking to Tommy, I think it’s safe to stop playing with the little girl’s head. I push it under the coffee table, hoping that the women will forget she wanted me to kiss it, but instead of being hidden, it left a long blood trail from being slid across the floor, which I think would be hard to ignore if you’re looking for a missing body part.
“I told him that I haven’t seen anyone that matched the description. He wanted to look around but I said the ridge and the whole mountain is private property of the Axis Foundation.”
“So he’s gone?”
“Yeah, for now. I think he’s going to get a warrant.”
“Thanks for the warning. Now go away.”
“Hey, I did my job. Now take your sick fuck of a husband and the both of you get out of here.”
“Love you too.”
“Fuck you.” Tommy said.
I hear the sound of the car tearing away. The woman closes the door and takes a seat on the couch.
“Fucking pigs.” She says to me. “Hey… where’s that head?”
28
Afternoon July 2nd 2012. We’re about two hundred miles from the last pee stop. I pull into at a barbeque joint. I don’t know why, but I have a sudden craving. My meal consists of a pulled pork sandwich with coleslaw on top. For a side, I have hand cut, peanut oil cooked, fries, topped with a generous amount of sea salt and more than a few splashes of vinegar. I washed it down with a Cheerwine (which happens to be the greatest beverage ever invented.) The food was great but the server wasn’t friendly at all. My guess is they don’t really care for out-of-towners, which is understandable. In total, I’d give the whole experience an A- If traveling back the same way, I might even stop here again.
After lunch, I check us in at a small motel. It’s small, but the room is clean. I feel lucky when I see that they have HBO and a workout room a few doors down. I try to watch an episode of Game of Thrones (on demand), but it’s only a few minutes into it when I see a head on a spike. I don’t need to see that right now. I turn it off.
My wife is sitting on the bed beside me and she yells at me for changing the station, but only halfheartedly. I look over and see my son is already napping again in his playpen. Quietly, I kiss my wife and unbutton the back of her dress. I can feel the pressure building in my jeans as her hands slide into them. I want her more than anything. She moans softly as I thrust into her from behind.
The mountain isn’t far now. There is just one more spot I need to revisit before making the final leg of the trip: The truck stop.
Edit: Update added...
29
Late evening, July 2nd 2012. I think I’m losing my mind. What I see is impossible. It can’t be him. No, he’s dead, dead and rotting somewhere. But I swear I see him. I would swear it in a court of law. I try to rationalize the impossible. It has to be my nerves, I think. All of these memories flooding into my mind have brought with them the ghosts of the past. Really, there isn’t any other logical explanation. But he’s aged, his skin wrinkled and weathered. The face, one clean shaven, is mostly covered by a thick beard but underneath I see what could have been the scar of a botched Glasgow smile. The black hair, once short, is now long, greased back into a tight ponytail. As insanity bleeds through, time seems to slow down. I watch this man, his eyes scanning left to right, looking closely at each person who walks by. Then he spots me. Our eyes lock, and in that moment, I KNOW.
This happens while visit to the truck stop. We pull up and park in front of the convenience store; well to call it a convenience store is a joke. The sign outside advertises triple X film sales and what are known as ‘viewing booths’, which are a small stall with a T.V. playing porno videos. To put it bluntly, they are used by men to quickly jack off for a small fee, before going about their day. Though, I’ve never been inside one, I’ve heard that most of the stalls have a hole in them that some men will stick their penis through in the hopes of receiving a blow job by whoever is in the next stall. If that’s what does it for you… who am I to judge?
Instead of writing about the specifics of what happened here, I feel comfortable telling her what I remember as we sit in the car together. The truth is this story is Rebecca’s more than mine. Maybe that’s why it’s easier to talk about. The dead need to have someone to speak for them. So I’ll speak for her.
“They needed money, they said.” I tell my wife.
“The people who took you?”
“Yes.”
“Were they going to rob the store?”
“I’m sure they would have but they didn’t need to. They had Rebecca.”
“But she was only 12.”
“And I was only 6”
“I don’t want to hear about this…” She said, and then realized what that meant. “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, I wish this didn’t happen. Forgive me.”
I smile. “Always,” I tell her.
I look into the back seat.
“Hey buddy, you O.K.?”
“Yeah, daddy?”
“Mommy and I are going to run into the store for a second. Is that alright?”
“We can’t leave him in the car,” My wife says.
“I won’t talk about this in front of him.”
I turn back around and smile at my boy.
“It will only be for a few minutes. You’re not going to cry?”
“Get me some cookies?”
“Of course!”
After grabbing Charlie a pack of Oreos who quickly tears into them, my wife and I hold hands as we walk between and around big rigs, some attached to tractor trailers and some without any cargo at all. All the while we never lose sight of our car, and with the windows down, we can hear our son if he calls out for us. Countless trucks pull in and leave, tourists grab gas, and go. They never look around. They never really know what kind of place this is. As the sun begins to set, I feel the same sense of danger that I did back in 1987. This place hasn’t changed, I think, places like these never do. While we walk, I manage to find my voice.
“The man, the monster, he strutted us around the parked rigs, just like we’re walking now… And you got to know this is a common thing, soliciting to truckers… Anyway, when the truckers come in after a long haul for a rest, they’re looking to… unwind.” I pause and look at her to make sure she doesn’t have any questions. “Well, sometimes a man might see what he wants to see… So if a guy comes around claiming he’s got a 16 year old who would like to spend some time, you know, keep them company for a while, and it’s only going to cost them a few dollars, well, they might not ask too many questions. Then there are the others… The monsters who don’t care or they even prefer the company of… well, children.”
I sigh. “It’s not right. And a lot of them do end up in jail, but that’s how it is around a diseased hell hole like this. After dark, this isn’t a truck stop anymore, it’s a meat factory. Flesh being bought and sold. Humans are being trafficked.”
“So they sold her to these men.”
“Temporarily, yeah. By then they had her trained not to talk. It’s making me ill remembering how many trucks I watched her climb into that night.”
I’m not sure how to go om. We stop at a vending machine back at the front of the store where I grab a cold soda. I untwist the cap of the diet Pepsi and take several long swallows. After I finish drinking, I hand the bottle though the open window to Charlie, who has already finished all his cookies, even after I do all this, it’s still tough to continue talking.
“But…” I say, “If she hadn’t been forced to do these things on this night, neither one of us would have ever got away from them.”
We’re just standing outside the car. It’s getting darker and people continue to come and go. I wonder how many of them have kids. Do they protect them? If everyone protected their family, if everyone spoke up or did the right thing…
“One of the truckers,” I say, “He paid $15 to have Rebecca climb into his truck. He wasn’t opposed to 16 year olds, you see. Based on state law, even though prostitution is a crime, the age of consent is 16, but he wasn’t blinded by his needs. Once inside he grilled her until she told him her true age… and her name… Rebecca Harn. The trucker took a tire iron and climbed out of the cab intent on killing the man… but the man was quicker. He deflected the blow with his arm and stabbed the trucker in the chest with a switch blade... Someone saw it all happen. He stabbed the trucker twice more before he grabbed us and ran. Sally, the women, she already had the van running so they were able to get away clean.”
“The trucker didn’t die?”
“He was able to tell the police the girl's name and described the scar before he…”
I happen look up and my heart stops. No. No. No. No. No.
“Hon?”
“…Died... Get in the car.”
“What?” She says, confused.
“GET IN THE CAR!”
Seconds later I’m speeding down the highway. My wife is screaming for me to slowdown. I’m switching lanes and I’m passing cars at more than double the posted limit, meanwhile I’m reaching into the center console and below the maps, pens, trash, and other unimportant things, I feel the handle of the smith & Wesson revolver. It’s the same model I had in my hands when Rebecca was killed.
I’m thinking, it can’t be true… It’s a brother, or a cousin, or just some stranger who resembles the man, that’s all it is. HAS TO BE. He’s dead. He’s long fucking dead. We don’t go back to the hotel. We don’t stop at all until I’m sure he wasn’t able to follow us.
“It’s not him.” I say, “can’t be.”
My son is crying and my wife is screaming at me. I’m nodding, apologizing. I’m saying I’m sorry, that I made a mistake, it was stupid, I know, I know. The words coming out of my mouth are I won’t drive that fast again with them in the car ever again. I promise. Really. But what they don’t know is that I was taught to be a master of tuning things out. For all the screaming they are doing, all the crying, and begging, all I hear is static. And now I’m not sure of anything. Maybe I really did make a mistake? After all, I've gone though a lot. Most people would crack under this kind of pressure, right? At least that’s what everyone keeps saying. I’m strong. I’m brave. I’m a survivor. But that was Rebecca…. Rebecca was all of those things. I’m weak. I’m a coward. I’m prey… I’m a guy who may have just lost his mind. What I saw can’t be real. Even if… EVEN IF he were somehow still alive, which he can’t be, there is no way he could ever have known where I would be at any given time. No way in hell. Only my wife, my son, and I knew. Except that’s a lie. I’ve been updating my location for the past 4 days…
Please, God, if you’re out there, help me.
30
12:12 AM July 3rd 2012. I’m taking the risk that what I saw wasn’t real by saying this... We’re heading to the mountain now. I’m going to find a safe spot for us to pull over and sleep once we get close. The revolver is loaded… and I am in a killing mood. I will protect my family. Do you hear me? Am I making myself clear? I won’t allow them to be harmed. Ever.
I know that I could have been mistaken. If I’m wrong, well, he’ll know where to find us.
31
Dismembered bodies. Car crashes in slow motion. Funerals. Cold, dead hands. Burning wreckage. Drowning animals. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. Featureless, melted faces. A rusted red van. A card for any occasion. Cold. Prison bars. Molestation. Bloody fingerprints. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming.
Screaming. Screaming. Screaming.
Part 3: Arrival At Black Fog Mountain

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Date: 2014-05-07
Link to submission (Has self-text)

Questions	Answers
So if he was making more than 500k it would be okay in your book? That's pretty messed up.	Seems like I'd be even more of a piece of shit if I was that successful.
Are you involved much with the general goings on of the casino? If so, what goes through your head when you see huge amounts of money being gambled away by someone who doesnt know when to walk away?	Yes, I'm an executive so I'm in touch with most everything that goes on. Most of the time when I see something like that, I just say "good for us" and try not to think about whether or not the person can afford it or not.
How much do you make a year? Unless you are making like $500,000+, then you are a piece of shit. you are destroying thousands of people's lives so that you can make a living and afford your bmw and other status symbols.	I don't make $500K a year so I guess that makes me a piece of shit.
What is the worst most tasteless thing you or the casino in general did to make money?	I, obviously, like to think I'm uber classy. But in general I think paycheck cashing promotions are pretty tasteless. E.g., Cash your paycheck and get 5% of the total value in free slot play.
Can you ELi5? Sorry, to me that just sounds like you hand over your $1000 you earned, and get back $50? Which seems wrong...? Or do you get an extra $50? Hmmm... Thoroughly confused myself.	Let's say your check is $1,000. The casino will cash your check and then also give you $50 in promotional credits to be used on the slot machines. The idea is that since we've given you some "free" money to begin playing the machines you will also dip into the $1,000 cash that we also handed you.
Are there any clauses that prevent you from just spending the $50 in free bets and cashing out the $1k without actually playing with it?	No, you get the $1K in cash and the $50 can only be used in the slot machine. I've done this once when I started my new job and my direct deposit wasn't set up yet so they issued me a live check.
How many people just walk directly out of the casino after cashing the check with their 5% bonus?	I don't know, I've never run this promotion but generally speaking when we give away promotional credits, the "walk rate" is in the 25% range.
How often do you go to the strip clubs in vegas? If you go how much do you spend? Do you get treated better if they know what your job is?	I really don't like them so not often unless someone is in town that wants to go. I don't have a moral objection, just think it's a waste. "Hey do you like to eat steak? Give me $20 to smell this delicious steak! No, you can't try it!!!".
	So that having been said, I might spend $20 to give to the girls on the stage and maybe a lap dance.
	No, I don't get treated better because of my title really. They usually just care about how much money you spend and that's it.
What are some sneaky strategies that you use to get people to spend more money? I don't mean obvious things like having ATMs...but things related specifically to gambling..	Ummm... Off the top of my head I think the sneakiest thing is probably side bets on table games (e.g., play an extra $5 and if your two cards are a pair then you win $25) because the odds are terrible or things like advertising low table game limits but modifying the rules (e.g., blackjack pays 6:5 vs 3:2) to increase the house advantage.
Some casino customers are super cheap and only play $1 Blackjack. Others are whales and the casino spends a lot of money to attract them, but they are rare. Somewhere in between, I imagine, there are customers who spend a significant amount and exist in numbers to make most of the casino's profits.	First, we quantify most everything by "theoretical worth". That is, how much we can expect to win from you based on the house advantage of the game you play and how long you play. The general formula is decisions per hour X house advantage X hours played X average bet. So, $25/hand at blackjack X 1.5% house advantage X 2 hours played X 60 decisions per hour = $45 in theoretical worth.
Is that true? How much does a "bread and butter" customer gamble in a day?	Second, It really depends on the particular property. The number is a lot higher for Wynn then it would be at Joker's Wild (a really, really dumpy casino on the outskirts of Vegas). That having been said, most places will be very happy to have you if you are in the $150-300 a day in theoretical worth range.
That sounds pretty affordable. Assuming a 30% comp return I guess that comes out to $50-90 in comps a day.	30% includes the stuff we send you in the mail generally too so at the $300 range you could expect a room and a meal a day.
What kind of awful rules are you using to have a 1.5% house advantage, or is that number based on the average player being really terrible? How much in comps would I actually generate for two hours of $25 a hand Blackjack?	I just threw the 1.5 number out there. We also factor in skill into house advantage so as to be more favorable to the player, comp wise. comp wise we'd probably give you 15% of the $45, or $6.75. That's just in what we call discretionary comps that the pit supervisor or host can give you. Then you could expect another 30% in the mail via free bets, hotel, food, etc.
I guess you need to register with the casino loyalty club so you know what we are spending.	Correct.
I currently reside in Arizona, where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an Indian reservation and - as a result - a casino.	Well I've worked all over the country and, yes, of course we always keep an eye out on new competition that would impact our existing customer base, especially as the business has seen much more legalization in new jurisdictions in the past 20 years.
The casino/resorts are getting increasingly sophisticated. Better facilities, better entertainment, and better marketing.	For Vegas, I think most strip properties have dealt with this by investing in properties in regional markets so as to send their customers to their Vegas properties so it is pretty accretive. Someone from Harrah's Ak-Chin in the Phoenix area gets offers from Harrah's Las Vegas quite often.
Is this something the Vegas casinos consider a rising threat, welcome competition, or something else? How do you - as a marketing guy - react to the fact that a trip to a casino no longer necessarily means a trip to Nevada or New Jersey?	The bigger problem really is for the markets where they were a monopoly for some time and really rested on their laurels. Reno and Atlantic City come to mind. Those markets are dying fast and there really isn't much upside. In Atlantic City, for example, you have casinos buying competitors just to close them so as to reduce the inventory.
What really happens when somebody wins on a slot machine? Like, what is the behind the scenes stuff that we don't see? Are they checking out the cameras to make sure it was that specific person before they payout? What if you switch seats? What if an underage gambler wins?... What if they switch seats with an of-age gambler?? Honestly, I've never done that, but I've always wondered the underage stuff because I've never ever got carded on slots! I've won hand-pays before (nothing really exciting) and they always hit me with the tax form. What do you guys do with the tax form? Does it get sent out from you guys or does it remain my responsibility from thereon?	I worked as a slot analyst (analyzing machine performance) years ago and never on the floor so I don't know/remember the exact steps. Essentially, though, it's verifying that the machine is functioning properly and recording the details of the jackpot for audit/regulators. If it is a taxable jackpot ( >= $1,200) then we are required to fill out the IRS W2G form to report it to them for tax purposes so at that point we have to get your ID, etc. to facilitate that. Then of course, there is the matter of actually paying you the money, verifying that it is the correct amount, etc. The tax form does get sent to the IRS. You can request the taxes not be taken out of your jackpot as you are only taxed on the net win at the end of the year.
How did you get involved in the casino bussiness?	1/2.) Just needed a job and applied to a very entry level job and worked my way up.
Did you set out to work at one or did it come about another way?	3.) It can be fun and exciting.
What do you enjoy most about your job? Least?	4.) There's a lot of pressure to make money/meet your budget so all of the bullshit that goes along with that. Dealing with politics, having to adjust staffing, etc. And I don't like that at my level the usual tenure is 2-3 years so you move around a lot. I'd like to be more settled, especially in a place I'd really want to live for a long time and I don't feel like I have much control of that in this business.
1) When you talk about being moved around a lot, is that relating to being moved around in what you do at a particular casino? or more like which casino your working at? 2) Do you feel that your skills at this current job gives you fallback options should your tenure run out? ( Such as in other service based industries?)	1.) I mean there is only one of me at every casino so if something happens whether I don't like where I work or what something different (e.g., more money) or they don't like me (shocking, it happens!) then the likelihood that I have to move is high, especially if I'm in a city that only has a handful of casinos. 2.) I obviously feel like my skills could take me anywhere! But in reality, it has been tough to change industries when I've tried. Usually places like hotels don't pay as much as casinos and look for more sales-related skills and restaurants don't really have marketing people except at the corporate office whereas my skills are more analytics-oriented. And both usually pay less than casinos.
time I went to Vegas (around 30 years ago) it still had that "mob" vibe. When I got married there in the 90s (I joke now that I gambled on marriage in Vegas and lost half my stuff) it was much more "corporate" and "family friendly." The "What Happens in Vegas" campaign seemed to try and change that perception. Do you think there's value in returning Vegas to a more "wise guy" kind of feel...playing up the classic vibe, or is it just a big collection of theme parks with gambling?	The problem with returning to that type of vibe is that it's difficult/impossible given how big the casinos are. Sure it was easy for Benny Binion to control everything and not be "corporate" when the old Horseshoe was literally 1/10th the size of MGM Grand.
What was UNLV like? Did you live in the dorms? It seems like a strange school where everyone commutes and there's no college life around the campus. What are the pros and cons of going there?	I went there for grad school so was older and had a wife and a house. It is definitely a commuter school so there's not a lot of school spirit. I went to undergrad a school with a huge, huge, huge, football program so it was a bit of a change for me. I also didn't find the students to be terribly bright (with exceptions, of course). On the upside, a lot of people like living in Vegas and the Hotel Administration College (where I went) has very, very good brand recognition.
Do you find people have lots of misconceptions about the casino industry?	That the games are rigged and that we love giving away a lot for nothing/little in return are probably the two biggest.
So what's up with prostitutes and the casinos? I understand that prostitution is illegal in Vegas, but that they're still there. Is it like the movies, where they're just hanging out in the casino bars waiting to be picked up?	Yes, they hang out at the bars and then there are services you can call and have them sent to your room. If it's overt, casino security will clear them out of the bar area but the vice cops generally focus on human trafficking kind of stuff.
As an insider, what do you think the job prospects are in the industry for someone with a similar education background, but no casino experience?	1.) The industry relies heavily on industry experience so job prospects are good if you're willing to start in a low position and work you're way up. If you go to UNLV and get the degree I got and expect for some casino to make you a Director of VP with no experience then you're going to be very disappointed.
Is that just bizarre luck?	2.) Bizarre luck.
What does the industry think about states with Indian reservations that prohibit casinos like Texas?	3.) Definitely potential opportunity. I've read about that small tribe in Texas. It'll happen eventually in Texas. The people in Louisiana will not be happy, though.
Is it viewed as a potential opportunity for growth with a small tribe, more competition, or a wedge to open the state to gambling?	4.) No problem!
For every average person out there, would you suggest not playing? I mean, in the sense that, it's just not a viable option?	Viable for what? Making consistent money? Then definitely not. If you are entertained by thrill of gambling and have the discretionary funds to do it, then by all means.
Aw okay! cool. Any idea why people do it? Is it just a thrill? Would being a "whale", make more of a difference?	For the people that do it for entertainment, it's the thrill of anticipation.
Was it hard getting a job with such a detailed degree?	My undergrad degree is pretty bland, political science, so it wasn't hard at first. I did my grad degree in casino management because I was living in Vegas, wanted to get an MBA, didn't want to take 2 years off from work to get a full-time degree, didn't have the support of my job to get an executive MBA, and didn't like UNLV's MBA program.
EDIT: Thanks for answering my first AMA question! Really good answer too!	NP! Keep asking away!
What's your favorite aspect of your job? And do you like to gamble yourself?	1.) It can be exciting. Picking new acts to play in your showroom seems more exciting to me than selling propane. 2.) Yes...
What is the best way for tourist to get the best bang for buck in your casino for entertainment, food, gambling etc to have a good time and not go broke?	I'm currently working at a Vegas strip property.
If you can answer in terms of Vegas, that would be great also.	Unless you have something more specific in mind, the first place I'd direct you to is the Las Vegas Advisor Top 10 Deals List.
With legal online poker gaining momentum which might mean eventual legal online gambling for other house games online; are the casinos doing what they can to kill this before it starts or your thoughts on this?	Las Vegas Sands / Venetian is actively trying to kill it (which I don't really understand) but everyone just sees it as a means to make more money so are ready to pounce when it's legal.
I don't know if you're still answering questions, but what are the qualifications for being, say, a Texas Hold'em Dealer in Vegas, specifically your casino, and are the dealers specific to just one game? I.e. omaha, hold 'em, pai gow, stud... Also, without being too specific, what is the average annual income for said occupation? Are the dealers payed solely by tips/do they get to keep all tips?	1.) Generally there are poker dealers and table games (e.g., blackjack) dealers. Few do both. Among the table games dealers, most know multiple games as the more you know the more hirable you are. In terms of the qualifications it's just that you've gone to some sort of dealer school (there are commercial ones and some casinos do it in-house), experience, and a live audition. 2.) Really depends on the market and the casino. At the high end like Wynn or Venetian they will do close to $100K/year but at an entry-level place it could be more like $25K/year. It's base salary plus pooled tips (aka tokes).
	3.) You've never thought of dealing the WSOP? They need as many dealers as they can find.
Do Casino's design their decor for different target groups?	Of course. Hard Rock and Cosmo are designed for younger demographics and Wynn and Venetian for older affluent ones.
I find all Casino's to be outright horrible to my senses due to the noise/flashing lights.	Encore and the new Barrymore are definitely designed for the Asian gambler. And you'd, obviously, have to assume the casinos in Macau are, too, although I've never been.
Could you describe your typical work day? also I've had some great times a Joker's Wild!	Ha! I honed my dice skills at JW!
	Typical work day is get to work and look at the previous day's financial results and react accordingly. I.e., ask the analysts to pull numbers, talk to the head of a certain department about their opinion on something, etc.
	Emails emails emails.
	Then it's usually a lot of meetings about upcoming things whether it be planning an event, approving new advertising, doing the strategic planning for the property for 2015, meeting with vendors, etc.
	Emails emails emails.
	By this time the numbers or reports I've asked to be run are ready so I sit down and look at them and act accordingly (e.g., hey, looks like we're spending too much on postage to mail to customers too far away, let's change the way we do this for next time), etc.
	Emails emails emails.
	Then it's usually time to go home but 2-3 times a week I'll have a dinner or event to go to with a vendor or colleague or someone from the press.
	Emails emails emails.
	Probably 2-3 Saturdays a month I'll go in and work for a few hours just to catch up on stuff or if there's an event to meet and greet players, make sure everything is going well, etc.
	Emails emails emails.
Has the rise of 6:5 blackjack been hurting the game's popularity, or are there enough people who don't "get" the odds change (or don't care) that it all works out in the end? Is the odds change enough to swing the game back in the casino's favor in the long run even if players count cards? And what about continuous shuffling machines: have any of the casinos you've been with used them, and how did the players react?	The masses don't care about either especially if you're able to offer low limits. The limit and the number of decks is what attracts people to a bj game. Still never going to allow counting.
Is is harder to get jobs in the background or management functions of the casino?	Well certainly there are more what we call "front of house" positions (dealers, porters, servers, bartenders, etc.) than "back of house" positions (accountants, IT, warehouse, etc.) so in terms of pure numbers, yes it's easier to get -any- FOH than -any- BOH position.
I'm an IT grad looking to move back to Vegas and wondered if there were more "non-floor" jobs than actually functional jobs.	That having been said, if you're wanting an IT position shouldn't be too hard if you're willing to work anywhere and have a little experience. If you're wanting to just jump into the CIO job at Bellagio, more difficult.
Great! thank you. I've got about 8 years under my belt, but dear god...no CIO for me. This really eased my worry about options. thanks.	You should be OK as long as you're not too picky.
Just how rigged are the automatic roulette machines?	They aren't. The games have to go through pretty rigorous testing by the state or an agency of the state to be allowed to be sold. Gaming Labs International is one such company.
I would think that SEO campaigns and similar web based marketing would be ineffective techniques for a casino in a place like Las Vegas. Is this the case? I know I'm quite late but I would love to know if you have time.	We definitely do SEO/SEM campaigns but primarily for hotel related keywords for people looking for hotel rooms. I worked at a place a little outside of the main city in the south one time and we'd buy broader search terms for people looking for "entertainment in main city" in case they didn't know there was a casino nearby.
Thanks for the response. I was just curious about engaging people in person in public? Do you operate campaigns on the street such as call to action flyers or similar? Are there laws specific to this type of promotion in Las Vegas?	Not a typical marketing channel most casinos explore, but it's not entirely unheard of. Sorry I'm not entirely sure of the laws.
Who owns the casino you work at? Is it one guy or a publicly traded company?	I'd rather not say as I don't want to be outted but I have worked for large publicly traded companies, privately held companies (e.g., owned by hedge funds), and publicly traded companies where one individual owns the majority of the shares. I've never worked at a privately owned casino owned by one individual, though.
How do I get over 65 year olds excited about my product?	Without knowing what said product is, the best thing I can say is to figure out how to make it relevant to them.
What does a marketing exec. at a casino make a year?	Depends on the size of the property. 75 at a small riverboat casino to 250 at a large place like Bellagio.
To succeed in marketing, what is the first step to landing a successful job? and what should be the over arching goal in mind to maintain a competitive advantage over fellow competition as well as new shifts in market trends?	1.) be tenacious. take any job you can get. be a sponge and learn everything you can.
	2a.) don't be afraid to fail, but be smart (and profitable) about it.
	2b.) don't rest on your laurels. stay in touch with your customers.
Go on ... What does a casino do in that regard?	From a gambling standpoint, people in that age range like penny slots so we offer a lot of penny slots. We put on shows that would appeal to them. We would make the decor more classic vs hip. Etc.
I've always wanted to work in the gaming industry. I have a strong sales background and a B.S. degree... which department would you recommend to get my feet wet?	Probably player development which is the department that deals with VIP guests or maybe special events/promotions.
What's the best movie you've seen this year? You did say we could talk about life in general...	Absolutely! 12 Years a Slave.
	Edit: Also, Dallas Buyer's Club.
Dang, haven't seen it yet...will have to wait for it on DVD or streaming. Edit: Haven't seen that one either. I'm starting look like a Philistine.	It's pretty heavy but sometimes that's good.
Do you prefer to market for families or adults? Casinos are adult fun, but I've noticed a shift in the past decade.	Definitely adults.
Your AMA was one of the best, you answered almost every question, so if you're still answering here's one: If a young person comes in and wins more than 100k and then just leaves, would you suspect him/her of anything?	It really depends more on the manner in which you win and how you behave. We're required by law to fill out a Currency Transaction Report for transactions over $10,000. So if you got to that point you would have already given us your ID, etc. We'd obviously make sure that surveillance is watching you to make sure you're not cheating but if you're on a random hot streak and betting $10K/hand then it wouldn't be a huge deal at most strip properties.
How about a free load just this once? lol. But hypothetically what would 10 grand get you :(	At my place, (which is not an uber classy place like Wynn or Venetian), you'd get pretty much whatever you'd want. Suite, dinners, limo from the airport, show tickets, etc. We'd generally reinvest in you 30% of your loss so just figure out what $3,000 in comps would get you.
What advice can you give to new grads who want to get into marketing, but can get work due to lack of experience?	As I mentioned in a previous post, I believe you really just need to be tenacious and take anything to get your foot in the door. It's a very crowded field, especially on the what I call "pretty picture" side of marketing. I wish I had a more specific answer to give you.
What does being a marketing executive involve?	I usually say I'm in charge of driving profitable revenue. The departments that report up to me are charge of advertising, promotions, entertainment, public relations, direct mail/database marketing, and VIP marketing.
I'm coming to Vegas in December from Australia, can you PM me your email address?	Just PM me. Happy to see if I can help
Do casinos hire interns? I'm currently a student at a public university.	Absolutely. I think most of the major companies have management training/internship programs. Go to their careers websites. Caesars Entertainment, MGM International, Pinnacle Entertainment, Penn National Gaming, etc.
Would you recommend a job in marketing? what skill sets would be helpful for marketing? i'm interested in it but not entirely sure what it's about.	I think the best combination in today's world is to be more right brained with a creative bent as more and more the question asked of marketing folks is "quantify how your idea makes me money?" and less and less "what's the most most creative idea you have?"
	It's a crowded field especially on the left brained side (e.g., advertising and public relations) because people think it's "cool". So if that's you're interest, I'd say being tenacious and creative is what is going to get you far in that world because it's tough to get your foot in the door and you have to have thick skin and then when you do get your foot in the door you are going to have a very short leash to prove yourself.
Any specific company you recommend?	If you're at the intern stage, apply liberally.
Do you have the sides backwards, or do I?	Um, well I think of left brained as creative and right brain analytical?
How selective is the casino management program at UNLV?	The hotel management program in general is not selective but the casino management program is difficult because it's pretty quantitatively-focused so there's a lot of attrition.
What do you do for family entertainment in Vegas?	I'm single so that having been said, there's all your typical family stuff to do here: parks, camping, hiking, movies, bowling, etc.
You don't have any family in Vegas? What's something that you go do with your friends, then?	I'm not from here and my ex-wife hated living here thus why she's my ex. My friends and I go and see concerts, go to bars, we like guns so go shooting sometimes, and most Sundays cook for each other.
Sounds like a nice life!	It's OK. City is kind of soulless and superficial.
One of my favorite aspects of Vegas is that if you want your experience to improve, it's usually a strategic $20 tip away... whether that be a tip to upgrade your room when you check in, to skip the long line at a club, to get a table with a great view at dinner... What potential 'Experience' improvements would you recommend in Vegas?	Link to thetwentydollartrick.com
Vegas or Macau. Which is better?	Better for what?
Have you read The Stars My Destination by Alfred Bester?	I haven't.
So basically I should just buy from the half off kiosks?	Yes.
How do you feel about those who are addicted to gambling and those who have lost everything because of it?	Bad, obviously.
Late to this ama, are you still taking questions?	Sure!
Sure buddy.	Do you mean to say that you don't believe me?
I just got started in hospitality marketing, any advice?	Doing what, exactly? Just be willing to make not a lot of money for awhile and be willing to relocate frequently if you want to move up the ladder. I guess those are the first things that come to mind.
Have you had any good marketing ideas that you couldn't do due to marketing regulation.	Not necessarily due to regulation but a lot of times you're gun-shy to do a promotion because well, what happens if no one shows up?
Bastard.	Danka.

Last updated: 2014-05-11 03:39 UTC
This post was generated by a robot! Send all complaints to epsy.

Hey folks!
As promised, time for another edition of State of the Fleet! Big week this week!
Note-Worthy Game Events -

• Temporal Lock Boxes are here! Congrats to all fleet members who have won a Temporal Science Vessel and to those who were able to get a Temporal Destroyer!
• Cardassian/Ferengi lock box drop event has ended with the Temporal Lock Box arrival.
• Master Key sale is still on until the 1st of October.

Fleet Events -

• I'll be hosting a Mokbara event tomorrow night at DS9 (Saturday). We haven't done one of these in awhile.
• ForteEXE hosted a mirror ship giveaway, thanks bro!
• Congratulations to Barbarossa for his promotion to Admiral.

Other Stuffs -

• A big thank you to the devs, if you're reading this, for coming out to chat with us. We all really appreciate you folks for stopping by to talk and listen! You're always welcome in RedditChat. :)
• The switch to 500xp/provision projects for the RA starbase (I think Snoo may have switched over too) has been a great success with projects filling up very fast, a lot more than the 1000 xp projects. At this point, we have a ton of provisions for mostly everything. Great work!
• Due to the great amount of provisions available, I'm opening up Special Projects to "By-Request" to allow folks to gain fleet credits. Contact a senior officer if there is demand for a special project.
• A big welcome to the large influx of new members we've received lately. To anybody here, whether new, old or not a member yet, if you ever need help, that's what we're here for!
• Mrow?!

Money/Business Matters -

• With the temporal boxes out, the dilithium/zen market has gone up a bit to around 160/161 dilithium per zen. Approximately 49 zen per 8000 dilithium.
• Key prices are still buggy, sitting around 1.5 million. Wouldn't be surprised to see them go up once the sale ends.
• A number of common doffs have gone down in price significantly (especially science/medical). A great opportunity to reassign at SFA for uncommon doffs.
• Watch your zeroes! When you put something up on the exchange, before you submit, the game will automatically put commas on the price. When you're putting an expensive product up, ensure the correct amount of digits are present.

Tip of the Week -
Dabo! We love it, it's addictive, but it can seem kind of confusing. Let's talk Dabo.
Dabo is essentially a slot machine on a roulette wheel. You select three segments out of 27, place a bet from 10-100 ecs or latinum (I highly recommend you use energy credits) and let the good times roll.
Wins are based on what symbols land on your segment. This is where it's like a slot machine, as it's based on 3 symbols landing on your segments.
Payouts are based on the following:

• Colour - Each symbol has a specific colour, match more colours and you win more. Symbols in the inner slot do not have colour, so the largest win for this is Colour x2.
• Shape - Symbols have 3 shapes: circle, square and triangle. Match symbols to win more.
• Count - Each shape can consist of a combo of 1 2 or 3 shapes. Say you match 3 symbols, all of which contain 2 squares each, you win 200% of your bet.

There are also specialty symbols that reward the infamous "dabo" wins.

• DS9 - an icon that looks like DS9 (with 2 spires instead of 3). Match 3 to get 15000% of your bet, 2 to get 400% of your bet.
• Quark - Named after the famed Ferengi bartender, it's a golden symbol. Match 3 to get 200,000% of your bet (largest win), 2 to get 500% your bet.
• Swirl - The famed "wild card", a multi-coloured swirl. Counts for anything if slotted in your segment. Match 3 for 100,000% of your bet.

So, how to get the largest win? The infamous "dabo alignment" where the wheel aligns so that every line matches colour, shape and count. By selecting slots 0, 9 and 20, if this comes up, you will win 400,000% of your bet (2 3xswirl and 1 3xQuark). This is the best possible win in Dabo and is highly recommended to play. I always see this strategy thrown out in RedditChat whenever a Dabo party is in play.
See you online! If you have anything you want added to next week's State of the Fleet, leave me a line in the STO mail or PM on Reddit.

• Enzo <3