Spread Betting – An Introduction Simon Nott

The New Druid (Steelshod 433)

Hey there!
I don’t post these daily anymore, so just in case you’re a newcomer and you’ve never seen a Steelshod post before… click here to start at the beginning
This is the latest chapter out of several hundred, and I don’t think it will make much sense without context. This isn’t an episodic story so much as one long narrative.
Hopefully, you’ll enjoy yourself, and I’ll see you back here in good time. If not, no big deal. But I think if you start here you’re going to be very, very lost.
Table of Contents – includes earlier installments, maps, character sheets, our discord server, and other documents.
First | Previous | Next
Victoria
World map
Here is a general lore doc including character profiles and here is a basic roster showing who’s where, and who is a PC: Steelshod Roster!
Note for Binge-Readers: This is generally live-updated to reflect the current state of the game! Hopefully if you’re binging you can keep better track of who’s going where, because you just recently read about them going there.
Ronald’s Basin, in rural Victoria
Steelshod has been given an offer.
It’s been three days since they slew Partholon, the Druid an Fáinne of the Collar of Thorns
Those days have been an unpleasant example of the kind of reactive war Steelshod generally tries to avoid—lots of boring/uneventful scouting punctuated by occasional sudden violence.
But now, one of the Collar’s war leaders—called the “Laochra,” which means something like “hero” but also appears to be the closest thing to a lieutenant that they have—has come to their fortification at Ronald’s Basin
Osion, the Laochra, is a confident smart-ass with a sharp tongue. He’s been friendly aside from barbed jests, and seems to be the man the Collar’s warchief Dolan likes to send out to parley with Steelshod.
He has come calling on Steelshod, and invited them to a celebration that the Collar is throwing tonight.
Supposedly, a celebration of the return of Partholon himself.
Which is quite a trick, given the state Steelshod left him in.
Zelde reminds everyone that she said they ought to take Partholon’s head. She was afraid people wouldn’t believe them.
Felix flat out doesn’t believe Osion’s claim. Besides that, he gestures to the thick dark clouds overhead and the pouring rain
Says that this doesn’t really seem like the time for a party.
Osion shrugs, and he says that the storm won’t go until Steelshod does.
But they will celebrate regardless.
At this point they leave Osion sitting on his horse outside the walls, waiting, and Steelshod confers briefly about how to respond to this offer.
The obvious concern is that it’s a trap.
Yes, the Collar of Thorns is saying that it will be peaceful, and yes they do take their oaths seriously
But on the other hand, from their perspective Steelshod may not be worth treating with honor. Given that James murdered Partholon at a parley and all
So they can’t rule out a full-on betrayal, and open battle, if they go.
Cara’s gut says that’s not the Collar’s plan here—even if they consider Steelshod oathbreakers, honor is more a matter of oneself anyway. If they violate guest right, break an oath of peaceful meeting, then Dolan or this new Partholon will be undermining their own authority with their people.
But that doesn’t mean there won’t be some kind of trap. Maybe they’ll attack the Basin while some people go out. Maybe they’ll arrange an ambush to hit them after they leave the party. Maybe they have some egregious offense planned that will incite Steelshod to violate the peace themselves.
Lots of possibilities, lots of ways things could go wrong.
What’s the upside?
Cyril says that while he has no doubt that the Collar will only show them what they want to show, still… any intelligence on the enemy could be valuable
This is an opportunity to learn more about their enemy.
In fact, Cyril points out that they could use this meeting as an opportunity to quietly send out a secondary party, to scout the forest while the Collar of Thorns is busy and distracted.
Cara decides that the risk is worth the possible intel, so they will go.
There’s some question of whether or not they believe they’ll actually be running into Partholon himself, or if it is a title and they will now meet some (hopefully lesser) replacement druid.
Some, like Felix, are skeptical.
Agrippa points out that they’ve seen many strange things, and from the way Osion is talking he thinks they should assume it’s really Partholon.
Normal healing could not save a man from the injuries they inflicted upon Partholon, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t swapped into a new body or used some other strange magic to persist.
Felix smirks and jokes that maybe the Collar just have a better healer than Agrippa.
Which results in Agrippa, without any joking tone whatsoever, telling Felix to shut up.
But, hearing this exchange, Amos gets a thoughtful look. Maybe it’s true, he ponders aloud. He asks if Agrippa has ever actually tried to sew a man’s head back on.
Maybe once every hundred times, it works, and—
Agrippa smacks Amos, both to interrupt his idiotic musings and as punishment for questioning his abilities.
At this point, Cara handpicks a team to go with her and James to the party.
She also picks a small scouting team to search the woods for anything useful they might be able to find.
The scouting team is simple: she appoints Drengi as commander and tells him to take every ulfskennar they have with them, save one. He will take Dagur, Foyr, Knut, and Sigridur.
The final ulfskennar in the party, Gulbryn, will accompany Cara’s group.
That leaves them with no howlers at Ronald’s Basin, but everyone staying behind will be under strict orders to hold position and defend the Basin.
And they have one member that can, at least, interpet howls, if not howl himself… that being Vigi, the vartror bersark and member of Yorrin’s Shadowsteel team. He’s practiced enough to be able to understand most basic howled messages such as “enemy coming” “send help” etc.
For the team to actually go to the celebration (I dub them the “Partying Party” to contrast with the “Scouting Party”), Cara picks a decently sized group.
Her primary interest is in durable warriors to help fight their way out of a trap, with a few specialists for their respective skills.
Felix insists on going, of course, to protect his wife. Agrippa explicitly refuses to go, barring a direct order from Cara that she does not give.
Zelde will go, however. Along with most of the biggest tanks on the team: Bear, Snorri the bersark, and the Victorian axemen Tiny & Lioness
That’s five solid walls of muscle and metal
Levin and Evan will also go—less frontliners than the above, but still both of them are exceptionally brutal warriors on foot or in the saddle, and good scouts in case they flee through the forest at night.
They’ll also bring Cyril, because he could be useful for evaluating the enemy and negotiating. Cyril asks for Prudence to come to watch his back and, if needed, deploy alchemy or poison.
Cara also asks Borthul to go. The old wizard is decrepit, but he is their best bet to counteract Druidic magic or identify the method that Partholon has been reborn, if in fact he has been.
As mentioned, Gulbryn is also going.
Cara picked this ulskennar because Drengi says Gulbryn has been growing… stranger, recently, and some of his talents have manifested accordingly.
Ever since he stepped through the Thaumati Gate last year, he has (like everyone that went through the Gate) had strange dreams and occasionally sensed things beyond the scope of mortal understanding.
Even his howls have grown… eerie, in the way they echo and reverberate and set on edge any that hear them.
Finally, the two that were invited are Cara & James, and they’ll both go.
Agrippa clucks his tongue and sets about securing James’s mangled right arm into a more immobile splint than the current sling he has.
James will be useless if a fight breaks out, but he deserves to be there if he wants to take the risk.
And of course he does.
Cara specifically tells Zelde that she needs to stay close to James if things get dangerous, and protect him. She issues Snorri a similar command, to protect Borthul.
James is wounded, Borthul is old and weak, and she wants them both protected.
She does not assign a bodyguard for Cyril.
Cyril takes a few minor preparations before he leaves.
He asks Agrippa to give him a list of the names of all of the captured Collar warriors, in case he gets an opportunity to ransom their freedom in exchange for soom boon
Agrippa has been slowly but surely winning a modicum of trust from the captive Collars, so he gets their names easily and Cyril records them on a scrap of parchment.
He also passes a few specific poisons to Prudence, both lethal and nonlethal ones, in case she anticipates trouble and is in a position to deploy them.
Before they go, Cara asks for Osion’s oath
That the Collar of Thorns grants peace to Steelshod and their allies.
So long as Steelshod does not raise arms against the Collar, no harm will come to any Steelshod or their allies
Whether they are outside Ronald’s Basin, or within it.
Osion swears to the oath without hesitation, and says he speaks on behalf of Dolan, Partholon, and the Collar of Thorns.
The phrasing of the oath should also include Drengi’s clandestine scouting party, in theory.
By design, of course.
Now that this is settled, they depart.
Cara’s group is escorted across the darkening plains by Osion’s men
While Perrin and the others remain behind to hold the Basin in case of treachery
It’s a long journey out to the forests
Osion pokes a little fun at Zelde when he realizes how simple she is, enjoying how oblivious she is to his nettled words
He asks her if she has a man waiting for her, and she says no, she has Steelshod
To which Osion intentionally misunderstands, implying Zelde lets all of the men of Steelshod use her. He says he expects a strapping lass such as her can probably take quite a pounding.
Zelde is still oblivious, and she enthusiastically agrees.
Osion is having a grand time, his men snickering along with him as he taunts her.
Until finally Cara steps in, and suggests that since Osion sounds so interested they could stop somewhere and Osion can take a shot at “pounding” Zelde right here if he likes.
Osion blinks, and tries to politely decline. Zelde offers cheerfully maybe they can do it at the party, and Osion awkwardly deflects
He’s had his fun, but he’s no fool—he can tell that if he tries to spar with Zelde it is only going to end one very unpleasant way.
So he deflates and leaves Zelde alone for the rest of the ride.
After that, Cyril rides alongside Osion and strikes up a chat
He tries to finagle a bit of information out of him, directing the conversation to his own purposes, hoping to elicit useful info from Osion without giving too much away
It’s a careful dance, the precise opposite of the blunt mockery with Zelde
Osion is in his element again chatting with Cyril, deflecting questions with jokes, poking fun at Cyril’s pot belly, and avoiding giving too much information to Cyril’s questions.
Cyril confirms that the Collar’s goal is to cover the entirety of Victoria’s lands, as well as much of Kirkworth, in their “One Forest”
Osion says that the Silver Woods and the Deer Woods, east and south of Victoria, were once part of the One Forest. He likens these cultivated forests to Middish dogs with their balls cut off, compared to wild wolves.
Osion shows some genuine passion here, obviously despite his fondness for japes he is a true believer of the Collar and a true foe.
Cyril also gets a read on how Osion feels about the Collar’s leadership.
He obviously has immense respect for Dolan… more interesting to Cryil is that he actually begins to suspect that the feeling is mutual. It seems Osion is deep in Dolan’s confidence, and they have worked together for years.
It seems Osion has been sent as the Collar’s emissary each time, not just because he is good at insulting them, but because Dolan trusts him.
By contrast, Cyril gleans that Osion does not have that same level of loyalty and affection for Partholon
He speaks of Partholon the same way he speaks of the Forest itself—a force of nature, an inherent element, something deep and core to the Collar, but not someone Osion personally likes or trusts as a man.
Osion never breaks from his apparent attitude that this really is Partholon though, not a new druid sharing the same name.
It takes a few hours to cross the plains, and more time to navigate the North Forest
Osion says they picked this spot special for Steelshod, as the closest meeting place to where they were camped.
Even so, it is well past sunset by the time they arrive.
They see firelight through the trees ahead, and they hear voices, music, and laughter—the normal sounds of a party, which is at least a little promising.
They are told to dismount, and they tie up their horses. Osion guides them in on foot.
And they enter what seems to be not just one clearing, but a series of them.
Many interconnected groves forming a circle around a central grove.
Each grove has a high canopy providing some cover from rain, coupled with some smaller simple leather coverings.
The clearings at the center of each grove are furnished simply, with long wooden tables and benches made of carved and polished logs. They are lit by large cookfires.
Each grove is open to the nearest groves, almost as if they are a series of rooms—and all of them open to the central clearing
The central grove is the most open to the sky, and consequently has the most man-made structures. Each table in the central grove has a leather or cloth awning mounted over it, and the central grove is lit not just be cookfires but by torches and lamps
In the center of this grove is an enormous, gnarled tree. The trunk is partially hollowed out and blackened, as if it was struck by a bolt of lightning long ago.
They also notice that the high boughs of the tree are covered with a huge flock of ravens. Or a “conspiracy” of ravens, if you want to use the silly term for it.
There is also a small wooden platform constructed some distance up the gnarled, blackened tree, but below the ravens.
The platform is carved with intricate Wncari scrollwork, lit by firelights, and visible from all around. Simple carved steps wind up the tree to it.
Dolan is sitting up on the platform, sipping from a horn.
Across all the groves there are at least a few hundred people here, feasting and drinking and laughing.
They appear to be almost entirely fighting men—this is clearly a meeting place, not a settlement.
The partiers don’t seem too disrupted by Steelshod’s arrival, regardles.
Some of them stare, but otherwise they continue their feasting.
Notably, nobody asks any of Steelshod to surrender their weapons. The Collar are all armed, and it seems they aren’t concerned about it.
Osion directs them to head for the central clearing.
Cyril draws a bottle of wine out of his saddlebags as he approaches.
He heads for Dolan, who climbs down from the platform to meet at the base of the tree.
Cyril introduces himself, and offers the wine.
Dolan stares at him blankly for a moment, then says that he doesn’t expect anyone to speak the tongue of the Daoine, but he at least expects them to speak Middish
Cyril sighs, slows down his speech a little to lighten the heaviest Loranette inflections, and reiterates his introduction.
Dolan sort of shrugs, accepts the wine, and takes a sip. He then passes the bottle to one of his men.
Steelshod take note of the warriors seated around them, at the long tables in the central grove
They are especially grizzled and hardened looking men—battle scarred, tattooed, their weapons and armor showing signs of extensive use.
Each man is also adorned with coils of briar vines… cords of vegetation marked by long, sharp thorns.
They aren’t necessarily all literal collars, though some are. Many are coiled around arms or torsos.
It looks impractical, but the men seem unconcerned.
Still, Felix in particular continues eyeing these men warily, not paying much attention to Dolan or any of the diplomacy to come.
Steelshod take their seats at the table Osion points to, and he sits near them.
The men working the cookfire lay out a good spread for them… roasted meats and vegetables, stews, simple breads, and more. It’s not high cuisine, but it’s a decent spread given the environment.
Cyril complains about the spices, the drink pairings, and anything else he can think of. Osion is close enough to hear, and he argues with Cyril good-naturedly.
They eat for a little while, talking amongst themselves and Osion.
Finally, after some time, Dolan speaks.
He’s back up on the platform.
He calls out to Steelshod.
Says that the Collar got Steelshod’s message… and from the look of James, it seems Afric found them with his own message.
James nods. Dolan eyes him, as if sizing him up, and asks James if he won.
James swallows nervously, and then admits that no, he did not win.
Dolan feigns surprise in an obviously toneless way… he points out that James is alive, and he’s guessing Afric isn’t.
Cara interjects to confirm that Afric is dead.
Dolan nods. He’s not surprised. They killed him after the duel… because they have no honor.
Cara interrupts.
“No no,” she says. “The duel went on fair and square, and Afric won. Then he started eating James, and… well… he was eating James. So we stepped in.”
Cara’s deadpan delivery gets some chuckles from the nearby warriors
Though Cyril also notices that at some of the tables further out, there is less laughter and more uneasy silence.
Cyril doesn’t think the folks out there are doubting Cara’s story, but rather they are just discomfited by it.
Dolan does not laugh, but neither does he look uncomfortable
He comments that the note they left him demanded that he step down as part of the surrender Steelshod requests, else they will go to war against the Daoine.
But he can’t help but notice that they only brought some thirty men with which to wage this supposed war.
Cyril says they brought a bit more than that.
Which leads Dolan to comment on the hired Victorians. Do they really think that some flimsy distinction between “hired” Victorians and Victorian soldiers matters to the Collar?
Cyril says it should, since otherwise Dolan would have several thousand more Victorian troops to deal with.
Dolan shrugs. It’s a silly bit of sophistry, but he isn’t bothered by it. If the rest of Victoria is staying out of the fighting for now, that’s all the better.
He’s happy to face a few hundred farmers with spears first. He’s happy to let Steelshod divide the Victorians up for him, so that his Collar can slaughter them all in turns.
He doesn’t really understand what Steelshod gets out of any of this, though.
Why come here and die for Victoria?
The topic of the dead monks comes up, the ones turned to trees. Dolan scoffs at this… they told the monks they weren’t welcome here, and they didn’t listen.
What followed then was their fault.
This casual dismissal is too much for James, who speaks up.
He hotly denounces Dolan and his people’s treatment of the monks, and Dolan takes this totally in stride.
He comments that he would’ve hoped Afric could have at least knocked a little bit of sense into James, if nothing else.
Out of nowhere, Bear speaks up. He says Dolan must not know James at all, if he thinks this thing.
Nothing can knock sense into James!
Bear, bless him, says this so proudly.
Cyril says that, while James may be hotheaded, he’s not really wrong.
In point of fact, from what he saw of Steelshod’s commanders, the reason they decided to intervene was entirely because of what Partholon did to the monks.
Cyril says this with the air of someone who doesn’t totally understand why Yorrin and Aleksandr care so much, but he’ll deign to explain it to Dolan anyway.
In a rare attempt at Diplomacy, Felix points out that Steelshod’s interest in defending innocent monks is a big part of why they were so invested in the Svardic war, too. This sort of thing matters to them, so of course they’re gonna harp on it.
Dolan seems to just shrug at that. The Svardic war did not touch them here.
Maybe he thought that was a clever rebuttal, but it really pisses Cara off.
She says the Svardic war touched her people plenty.
“It’s funny, you lot are so concerned with the Daoine. Well, the folk from my hills are Daoine too.” Cara calls out, her own Wncari accent unmistakeable.
“And you’re so caught up about defendin’ the forests from invaders, from foreigners,” she goes on. “Yet you’re more worried about ‘foreign invaders’ tha’ve been here for, what, five hundred years? Compared to ones that had just sailed in.”
She glares at Dolan, and then the other Collar.
“You’re more concerned with fightin’ Victorians than you were with helpin’ my folk, your own kin, from true invaders.”
Lots of people at Steelshod’s table seem pleased with Cara’s tirade.
They think she really showed them.
Maybe a few of the Collar at the distant tables look a little abashed, but none of the nearby warriors do.
Dolan just stares at her.
“But you’re not of the Daoine, lass. Are you?” Dolan responds calmly.
Her clan does not keep to the Old Ways, Dolan says. Half the people in the Caedian hills don’t even speak the old Tongue, and instead speak Middish in their own families.
Only one clan there, the Cuig Dorn, even pretend to keep to any sort of Old Ways.
No, Dolan dismisses Cara entirely. Her and her people were not—are not—kin worth defending.
They’ve forgotten their path. They are beyond help.
So yes, the Daoine care much more about Victoria than they did the Svards.
Victoria has raped the One Forest and slaughtered the Daoine for generations.
Victoria broke the Collar of Thorns
He states it matter-of-factly, because it is a fact.
Recall that when James and Oliver first arrived here the Victorians were still calling their local Wncari “the Broken Collar”—as that’s what they called themselves.
It was quite recently that they renamed themselves to the Collar of Thorns
Or more accurately, reclaimed their old name.
Cyril recalls all of this, so he interrupts Dolan to ask about it.
If Victoria did all that—broke their spirit, leveled countless acres of forest, and so on—what on earth makes them think they can win this time?
Victoria's city grows larger each day.
They are as strong as ever.
Won’t the Collar just get broken again?
Dolan grins.
And he calls out to his men, repeating the question.
Asking them what makes them think they can win this time.
The response is immediate.
The feasting men begin pounding on their table, raising a huge thumping beat
And they chant three syllables in the cadence of their drumming.
Par
Tho
Lon
When they chant the last syllable, there is a new sound that adds to the cacophony
The multitude of ravens roosting in the boughs of the tree above Dolan suddenly take to the air
The flapping of a thousand wings drowns out the men’s pounding on the table, and the dark night sky grows a shade darker for a moment as the ravens scatter.
Once they’re gone, the Collar have stopped beating the table
And for a moment an eerie silence falls upon the clearing
The only sounds are the crackling of the cookfires and the sounds of a few of Steelshod—Zelde, Bear, Snorri—still noisily munching their food.
In that moment, there is movement on the platform behind Dolan
A figure steps out of the shadows, out of the hollowed-out heart of the tree.
They did not see anyone ascend the tree, and it doesn’t really look like there’s enough room in there for someone to comfortably wait
But nevertheless, a sturdy looking old man steps out of that shadow and stands beside Dolan on the raised platform.
Partholon, of course.
And he sure fucking looks like the man they decapitated.
Hey all! This post took me a little longer than I intended, not just because it’s pretty long… but because it was even longer than this.
It was about 50% longer than the post you just read when I realized that I wanted to just break it into a couple posts instead. So I went ahead and found the best place to stop it, and sliced it in half.
You can expect another post pretty soon. Not necessarily tomorrow, but definitely sooner than the 2 week pauses of the last few posts.
Also, if you missed it, a fan has begun doing audio readings of the greentexts on his YouTube channel. You can find his announcement here. Looks like he’s posting them 3 times a week right now, M-W-F, so he’s churning through them at a nice clip.
I have minor quibbles with a few of his pronunciations, but overall it seems like a really awesome and polished product! Very flattering, so if you’re into audiobooks you should totally go show him some love.
Next
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The Power Of Lure: Achieve A 12 Minute CEO Run (One Year Anniversary) (Part I)

Introduction
Oh no! Your CEO team ran out of foghorns and trunks AGAIN! Even worse, your team had to burn through 2 level 7 gags, one Sid Sonata, and one Barnacle Bessie. And YOU provided the rewards for the team… and that’s just the first round! What now?
Upon facing such circumstances, people have 5 different reactions. You can…
The trouble with the first 4 options is that there is cost involved: Options 1&3 require you to rely on luck, (e.g. Somebody use a unite! Please!) which is definitely unsustainable. Not everybody is willing to use their rewards for CEOs. Best to create your own luck.
Option 2 robs you of the freedom you deserve: By telling yourself that it is impossible to save foghorns and trunks in CEO, you forever chain yourself to negative thoughts, and they become true. Words are powerful. Choose wisely.
Option 4 is expensive: YOU are the one to use your rewards for the CEO Team. Sure, the team will thank you, but what if you are often the one to use your rewards? And what if your pile of rewards is steadily decreasing? Again, this option is not sustainable- It causes unnecessary stress in every single CEO Run.
This leaves only one viable option: Option 5. Option 5 allows YOU to create your own luck, instead of relying on someone else’s. Learn how to take down waves of 11s and 12s without One Fog Rule or your rewards. Learn lure strategies that allow you to save foghorns without One Fog Rule or your rewards. And best of all, learn how to GET STARTED in teaching this revolutionary CEO strategy to others. Also experience lots of bonus content + Video evidence from this book!
When foghorns and trunks run out during the first round of CEO, it’s not you. The harsh reality is that 95% of all CEO Runs run out of foghorns and trunks by Round 1. Furthermore, 95% of toons grinding Bossbot are TRAPPED in the “Bossbot Cycle”.
They work hard for stock options, (15min~ 7 hours depending on suit level) earn a promotion, only to enter a CEO and run out of foghorns and trunks, because their team insisted on following “One Fog Rule.” They are scared of Round 3, where order breaks down and many toons are reluctant to part with their rewards. (Level 7s, SOS Cards, unites, and fires) Once the CEO is over, they get the temporary joy of getting fires… only to repeat the cycle again. It is truly a painful cycle to be trapped on. No wonder why some toons hate CEO Runs and Bossbot in general.
To understand the example provided above, I offer an alternative explanation: How does it feel to work a boring 9 to 5 job on minimum wage? ($7.25/hr) Now combine that with $3000 in credit card debt, and of course, the infamous student loan debt. Isn’t it painful to wake up every single day, work hard, get taxed, and only live for the weekends? ⅓ of our lives are spent sleeping. If you live only for the weekends, life would truly suck, right? That’s exactly how the “Bossbot Cycle” feels like.
You want to leave the cycle, bad. You are SICK and TIRED of One Fog Rule. You are TIRED of running out of foghorns and trunks at EVERY SINGLE CEO. You are TIRED of getting hit by a row of 12s, all because your team insisted on One Fog Rule. You just want to be DONE with the mindless sound spam. You feel crushed, hopeless, and depressed. “Can I escape from this terrible situation?” you think to yourself.
At the same time, you start to doubt yourself. Your mind is telling you “Stop.” Negative thoughts diminish your confidence.
The thoughts go on and on. You want to escape spamming foghorns in every single CEO, but you are doubtful whether the alternatives are viable or not.
Or you may be extremely used to One Fog Rule. You convince yourself that the author is speaking 100% nonsense:
On top of all this, you are confident you have at least 10 other concerns about the new strategy, and you are not sure whether the author can answer your fears.
Whether you are excited about this new CEO strategy, feel neutral about it, or heavily doubt it, don’t worry! The Power Of Lure will answer all possible concerns you have about lure strategies in CEO. It even comes with an in-depth guide on carry over damage! Here’s what could you expect from this book:
What are you waiting for? Let’s go!
​
Praise/Acclaim
“16 foghorns were saved in a 4-fire CEO when both sides used lure strategies on Round 1. Of course, no restocks were used.”
“A 4-fire CEO was completed in 35 minutes. It was all possible thanks to The Power Of Lure.”
“You can fully trust in Zero’s math. Believe me, I’ve done a couple CEOs with him, and the results speak for themselves.”
“When I first saw Zero in a CEO, I thought the duck was insane. At the time, I heavily believed in the importance of One Fog Rule. After shifting my assumptions aside, I was amazed to see the potential of this new CEO strategy. 7 foghorns were saved, and the total time was 12 minutes. Highly recommended. ”
“When it comes to luring in CEOs, people have mixed reactions. Whatever your stance is on luring, toons will find what they were looking for in The Power Of Lure.”
“Many toons will grind Bossbot during Toonfest. To make your CEOs easier, I can not recommend The Power Of Lure more.”
“Want to sleep faster? Want to have a smoother CEO? Then simply follow Zero during CEO Runs! Never had I seen Round 1 pass by so fast. 11 minutes! Can you believe it? And no level 7s, SOS Cards, unites, and fires were used!”
“Toons who do not try the new CEO strategy, or leave when Zero joins their CEO Group are missing out on major fog-saving strategies. Words from a Level 50 Cheese should not be taken lightly. I’m a Big Cheese as well, although I’m not maxed.”
“The Power Of Lure isn’t bogus self-help or a “Trendy” strategy. The Power Of Lure is based upon solid principles and years of research.”
“The facts are in: The Power Of Lure ought to be required reading for all toons entering CEO. It is arguably one of the best CEO Guides out there, whether you are a toon just starting Bossbot (100 laff) or a maxed toon. (137 laff) Case in point: I’ve seen Zero’s strategy succeeding multiple times in a row.”
“Best thing since sliced bread.” Prof. Rainbow, 127 laff Pink Cat
​
Table of Contents:
Part I (Easing Initial Concerns)
Part II (Major Concerns)
Part III (Major Concerns Continued)
Part IV (GETTING STARTED)
Part V (The Power Of Level 7s)
​
Part I: Easing Initial Concerns
Chapter 1: From Skeptic To Supporter: The Story Of A 128 Laff Cat
This story is from Patientzero, now known as Clandestine. Relax and enjoy.
I immediately grabbed 2 cans of 500ml Monster (16.9oz) Energy Drinks and 5 cans of Coca-Cola (350ml, 11.9oz) from my freezer. I also brought in 5 BIG BAGS of Cool Ranch Doritos just in case I needed a midnight snack. After finishing my exhausting 9 to 5 job at minimum wage, I was ready to play TTR and chill. By 3AM, I was feeling well: The Doritos and the sodas may have done me well.
However, that feeling was soon to disappear: I joined a CEO Group on Toon HQ. After hours of relaxing, I felt I needed a challenging activity.
At Bossbot HQ, I saw Zero addressing the group with a “Hi”. This was followed by “Hi team”. What he said the next minute immediately shocked me.
“Team, I have a request for this CEO.” Pause. My heart was racing. A CEO Request? What could that be? Oh no it couldn’t be....
“Team, I request we lure on 11s and 12s.” I immediately spat out my third can of Coca-Cola. The CEO Request was too much for me to handle. I simply could not believe what I was hearing. Lure instead of One Fog Rule? This was blasphemy!
To my horror, the team responded positively to Zero’s request. I was stupefied. I wanted to yell but I couldn’t. All of the words just LEFT my mouth. My mind started having war flashbacks: Last time somebody had tried asking for a lure on the row of 11s in a CEO, I immediately left without hesitation. I did not regret it.
I tried justifying my behavior towards Zero: “The duck doesn’t know what he is talking about.” “One Fog Rule gives carry over, especially to 11s and 12s.” “This CEO run is going to be slow.” “Luring is slow, and has terrible accuracy.” “It’s 3AM. Why should I bother with a new strategy?” “We’re not going to save foghorns.” “Is this strategy going to use my rewards?” “Bossbots target only one toon.” “Luring is training in CEO.”
Apparently, Zero sensed I was quiet because I kept getting whispers from him. Each whisper only added the hate I had towards this “New” CEO strategy. Was I talking to a mad duck that needed to be locked up? One whisper told me, “We can save 4 foghorns minimum, guaranteed.” Yeah, right. One Fog Rule is the only way to save foghorns.
While I was busy convincing myself how impractical the lure strategies were, a green dog on Toon HQ (Not to be confused with Green Dawg) joined our CEO run. Zero explained to him that he had a request for the CEO. The majority of the team was in agreement, he explained.
Not too long after Zero explained the request, I saw the dog LEAVE the CEO. He only left a passive aggressive “OK” and left. I was now faced with two decisions: Do I leave just like the green dog or do I stay? A part of my mind told me, “Just leave. You won’t regret it.” But the other part of my mind told me, “Come on, let’s what happens if you actually stay.”
I reluctantly agreed to try Zero’s CEO strategy. “Goodbye, cruel world!” I whispered to myself. I fully expected Zero to train his low level trap in a CEO, effectively greening me. I went into that CEO, expecting the worst.
To my amazement, upon facing the 9-12-12-9 set at the beginning, Zero ordered that “Lure, toonup, and 2 passes.” were to be used. “Toonup is for lure accuracy.” he explained. I saw Zero choosing a toonup, and a green mouse using a hypno. Me and the other toon passed.
The lure successfully worked. Zero now instructed us to use “2 cakes on each level 12. If you cream, there is no carry over damage.” I selected cake, even though I wondered why cake and cream wasn’t OK.
“2 hoses on each skelecog. The skelecog has 60 HP.” Upon following the instructions, both level 12 skelecogs died. I was mind-blown. Zero had taken down two level 12 cogs without the aid of foghorns. Hey, this CEO isn’t too bad after all!
Two level 9s flew in to form a full row of 9s. I saw Zero was very excited to see the cog wave. “1 fog 3 trunks, no aoogah please. If you aoogah, there is no carry over.”
When the 9s were in skelecog form, our team was ordered to use 2 aoogah 2 trunks, since the 9s had 87HP remaining. Once again, I was amazed to see Zero’s math calculations were correct. By this point, I had dropped several doubts about the new CEO strategy.
Once the full 10 sets were cleared using One Fog Rule, the real challenge began: The full row of 11s. Normally, I would have used One Fog Rule, but I waited to see what Zero had to say.
At the first turn, two people were instructed to pass. Zero used a toonup while somebody used hypno goggles. With the 11s lured, Zero asked for “2 storms on each level 11”. He explained to us that if we used storm and hose on the level 11, there would be no carry over, meaning the skelecog survived on full 156 HP.
“Zero” I asked, “Can you explain the maths behind the strategy?” He graciously agreed: He said he was going to explain it during Round 2. However, he noted that he had to explain it quickly: There were only 300 seconds in Round 2. If I wanted to learn more, I could arrange to meet him somewhere else.
*Please Note: Zero was not afk at Round 2. He still served the cogs while talking.
Toonup, lure, and 2 passes were used in the 3rd turn. Then, we were told to use “2 storms on the normal 11s”. Zero reassured us that the skelecog was well damaged.
Finally, Zero ordered everybody to use aoogahs. “All aoogahs, the 11s die.” he explained.
And guess what? The 11s died! I was shook: My world had been turned upside down. I was amazed to see Zero used no level 7s, SOS Cards, unites, and fires to take down the cog wave. I was fully convinced of the potential of the new CEO strategy.
Even better, Zero explained he even had a strategy for the row of 12s! I was very excited, mind you.
Just like what we did with the 11s, 2 toons passed, while lure and toonup was used. Next, 2 cakes were used on each 12. Again, Zero noted that “Cake and cream on a lured 12 leaves skelecog at 200 HP.”
2 cakes were used on each remaining 12s. Afterwards, we were told to select aoogah: The 12s would die. And sure enough, they died.
The rest of the first round was very easy. After finishing, Zero gave us great news: We had saved 7 foghorns, took no hits, and used no rewards. And our CEO Time? 12 minutes.
I immediately checked out the other side. They all ran out of foghorns and trunks. Thank God, I told myself. I sure am glad I tried the new CEO Strategy instead of leaving like the green dog. I sure am glad I decided to get out of my comfort zone.
​
Chapter 2: Quick Explanation Of Carry Over
At the 2nd round, Zero explained to me that Carry Over was dealt in the following order: Gag Damage (Red), Team Bonus (Yellow), and Lure Bonus (Orange).
“You see, in the game, you see Gag Damage, Lure Bonus, and Team Bonus. If cake and cream is used on a lured 12, people see 40 (Gag), 100 (Gag), 70 (Lure Bonus), and 28 (Team Bonus). People incorrectly assume the 28 damages gives carry over damage. It doesn’t. Would you like to see the proof?”
I did. Zero proceeded to explain the maths.
“We know a Version 2.0 cog has two layers. In the case of a level 12 Version 2.0, each layer has 200 HP. Let’s use 2 cakes and lure as an example.”
“Layer 1 has 200 HP. A single cake does 100 damage. The 100 counts as gag damage. So, 200 - 100 = 100HP. Next, we have the second cake. This also has 100 damage. So 100- 100 = 0. The first layer of level 12 is dead.”
“Next, we proceed to team bonus, or yellow damage. Team bonus is 20% of total gag damage. For example, we know 2 cakes do 200 damage. In that case, the team bonus is 40. 200 (Layer 2) - 40 = 160.”
“But we still haven’t finished yet. Lure bonus is 50% of total gag damage. 160 - 100 = 60HP. Therefore, 2 cakes on a lured 12 leaves the skelecog at 60HP.”
“Now take a look at cake and cream on a level 12. In carry over, the lowest level gags of the gag track is used, and each succeeding gag belongs to a higher level. Cream is used first, then cake. Layer 1 has 60 HP left.”
“Next, the team bonus is 28. (140 times 0.2) 60 - 28 = 32. This still isn’t enough to finish the first layer. The lure bonus, 70, takes over. 32 - 70 = -38. The first layer dies. Sadly, the -38 does not carry over. The second layer survives with a fresh 200HP.”
“While I want to explain that hose and storm does not give carry over to lured 11s, it seems the round is nearly over. I can explain to you at another time if needed.”
I thanked Zero and our team proceeded to Round 3. While it was a 4-fire, we didn’t have too much trouble: We had foghorns remaining. Never had I experienced the luxury of sounding through cogs in Round 3 without using restocks.
For toons who are used to One Fog Rule, trying out a new CEO strategy is the equivalent of going outside for 30 minutes of exercise when you were staying indoors and eating junk food for 2 months straight during quarantine.
When taking up exercise, you tell yourself, “No, I can’t do this.” But once you go outside for a quick walk, you’ll eventually find yourself walking long distances AND enjoying the benefits of exercise: Better mood, better bone health, and better sleep.
In the same way, you may feel the pain of luring instead of One Fog Rule, but fast times and the amount of foghorns saved is totally worth it. Since our time here on Earth is short, let’s make the best of it. Take up new hobbies, or in this case, try new CEO strategies. Many people regret not taking up new hobbies when they are old and are surviving on Social Security. Don’t let this be you.
To all the cats out there: This duck is great at leading CEO Runs. If a doubtful 128 laff cat like me had success trying out the strategy, so can you. And everybody, this is why you should try Zero’s strategy.
​
Chapter 3: Clearing Minor Concerns
When many people in life are asked to “Get out of their comfort zone” by trying something new, they have concerns. Can you imagine trying a salad with healthy dressing (Olive Oil, Salt, Black Pepper, Vinegar) when you were drinking cans of soft drinks and eating junk food 24/7 for the majority of your life?
The same principle applies to TTR: Many toons are used to practicing “One Fog Rule” in CEO Runs. You may be one of them. You may have read up to this chapter still doubting the information presented in this book.
This chapter will cover your minor concerns: Strategic concerns (Major Concerns) will be discussed later on.
submitted by HagenZero to toontownrewritten [link] [comments]

Lena and Julian - Who they are, and why they're great

Lena and Julian have been some of my most wanted characters for a long time, as they're some of my favorite characters in the series, and I'm absolutely thrilled they're here. However, I've also noticed a lot of people saying they don't know who they are, because they haven't played any of the Archanea games. In order to inform those who want to know, and to maybe spread some more of the hype around, I wanted to talk about these two, and why I love them both.
Lena and Julian join early enough in Shadow Dragon (chapter three) that I don't think any of this would be considered a spoiler, but keep in mind that the context of their situation in Mystery/New Mystery does get into spoiler territory. It's not too bad, though, considering they're supporting characters and not main protagonists, but still. Consider this an unmarked spoiler warning.
Before the start of Shadow Dragon, Julian is just working as a common thief, just trying to get by. He's a master of the craft by necessity. He'd also often run into another young thief named Rickard, who looked up to Julian's skills in thievery and became his sort of partner in crime.
Eventually, though, Julian came into the employ of the Soothsires, a group of bandits who operate out of the Samsooth Mountains, colloquially called The Devil's Teeth for their jagged, unruly peaks. However, complications arise when he finds out that the Soothsires aren't just bandits looking to steal loot...they're human traffickers. Julian is a thief, yes, but he has standards, and human lives aren't for sale. He was put in charge of watching over their prisoner, a cleric named Lena.
Lena is a Macedonian noblewoman who has fully devoted herself to the faith. She had earned the nickname of "The Angel of Macedon" for her kindness and compassion, traits not often associated with the more militaristic nation. She was actually courted and proposed to by Macedon's newly-crowned King Michalis, but she ultimately rejected him. It's easy to see why a woman of the cloth might wish to reject a marriage proposal from a patricidal warlord, but I digress. In Mystery of the Emblem it's implied this rejection may have played a part in why Michalis ordered Lena's brother Matthis to the front lines.
Shortly afterwards, Lena began a pilgrimage across the continent. However, when trying to cross the Samsooth Mountains, she was captured and detained by the Soothsires to be sold into human trafficking. This is where she met Julian, who was tasked with guarding her.
Lena begs for Julian to help her, attempting to appeal to his good-natured heart, and Julian, naturally, relents, despite knowing this likely means certain death for betraying the Soothsires. The two run down the mountain together, Soothsires hot on their tail, and Lena offers to use her Warp Staff to warp Julian to safety, even if it means being recaptured so that he may live. This is compounded by the fact that Lena's precious Mend staff was left in the hands of Hyman, leader of the Soothsires.
Lena: Julian, I’m sorry…but I left my Mend staff back there. It’s very precious to me…You go on ahead…Save yourself! Here, I could use this Warp staff to send you someplace safe--
Julian: Uh-uh, honey. No can do. I didn’t betray my boys back there so you could zap me on out of here alone. Forget the staff; I’ll come back later and get it for you myself. All right? Right now though, I need you to RUN. Tick-tock, now move that frock!
Upon heading down the mountain, the two run into the Altean army, led by Prince Marth. Marth can speak with both Lena and Julian, who introduce themselves and lend their strength to his cause.
Marth: Good day, Sister. Are you all right?
Lena: Yes… Thank you.
Marth: These mountains are dangerous. My forces will draw the enemy away; use that time to escape.
Lena: No, I wish to help.
Marth: But…you… What?
Lena: Please, sire. I am a cleric. I cannot bear to watch others come to harm when I have the power to help.
Marth: Well…all right… But I don’t wish to see you come to harm, either.
Lena: I will be careful. Thank you, sire.
Those with a keen eye might notice that Lena's quote from the banner trailer is taken from this exchange, verbatim. Julian's does, as well, though it's paraphrased a bit...as this exchange will show, Julian isn't the best at explaining himself.
Julian: Stop! Whoa! I’m…I’m not your enemy!
Marth: Huh?
Julian: I’m Julian! One of the bad guys! A Soothsire. Oh! Well, except I’m not anymore. See, now I’m a good guy! Lena gave me a reason to--well, let’s just say I’ve had a change of heart.
Marth: ……
Julian: Hm, not explainin’ myself very well, am I? OK OK, what I’m trying to say is--
Marth: Yes. You can come with us.
Julian: Oh…Well…well, good.
Marth: I’m inclined to trust you. If you’ve truly had a change of heart, you deserve the chance to prove it. Show me you’re ready to help people, and then I’ll know I’ve picked a man of character.
Julian: Wow. That’s…. Thanks! I couldn’t ask for a better deal!
As a side note, Marth's a really great guy, isn't he? After this, the two join Marth's entourage and march toward Aurelis. Here, Lena notices her brother Matthis alongside the enemy ranks. If she speaks with him (after tanking a hit from him because Matthis apparently can't remember what his own sister looks like...truly, a Matthis Moment), she'll catch him up to speed on where she was, but she has some questions of her own.
Lena: The real question is, what are YOU doing on a battlefield- least of all this one!
Matthis: I’m not here by choice, sister of mine. Since you left, Macedon has only gotten worse and worse. They forced me to enlist- you know I hate warfare, but it was into the army or onto the chopping block.
Lena: Shame on you, Matthis. If you’re going to fight, then at least fight for something you believe in. Macedon has done terrible things: marrying their might to Dohlr, helping them torment people…Brother, it’s not too late. You could join Altea’s forces. They’re good people you know. Prince Marth would welcome you. They all would.
Matthis: …All right, then. If I’m gonna to die, I’d rather die as one of the dashing than one of the dastardly.
Besides both of his recruitments being annoying, one of Matthis's foremost character traits is his over-protectiveness of his younger sister, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. This would become a recurring theme.
Matthis: You know, Lena, you always were the reliable one, and now you're all grown up...I thought for sure you'd have already settled down with your one true love.
Lena: T-true love? I've...I've met no such man, Matthis.
Matthis: Hmm, is that so? I'll bet you haven't...Well, you just be careful. There are plenty of thieves out there who would steal a girl's heart.
Little did Matthis realize just how accurate his words were. Truly, another Matthis Moment. For as we see in chapter six when Julian saves his pal Rickard from a jail cell, the spark between the two has already been lit.
Julian: Me? I’ve washed my hands of thievery and joined the forces of justice.
Rickard: Ohhh really? Justice? So then this wouldn’t have nothin’ to do with some new lady friend? You always did have a soft spot for a pretty face and the right features-
Julian: Wha- Can it, you little fink! I said it’s about justice! I’m entitled to have moral crisis now and then! …You know what? Just for that, YOU are gonna work for me, startin’ right now.
This is about the extent of Lena and Julian's story relevance in Shadow Dragon, barring a small event in Grust in the late game, where Marth can visit Lena's grandfather in a village and pick up her Hammerne staff. Yes, that's right. In Archanea, Hammerne was a PRF, and it belonged to Lena. In their ending, it's said that Julian gave up thievery for good, and found an honest job in Macedon, while Lena took care of orphans at her convent. Lena and Julian would be frequently seen together, though at this point they're not a couple.
However, a good while later, Broadcast Satellaview Fire Emblem: Archanea War Chronicles, commonly known as BSFE, released. This was a series of four bonus maps detailing events that took place during the War of Shadows prior to Marth's journey. These four maps were also remade as extra maps in New Mystery. One of the maps, Thieves of Justice, features Lena in a prominent starring role. In it, she joins Rickard in a Robin Hood-styled plan to invade the Millennium Palace in Archanea, which had been occupied by Dohlrian and Grustian forces, in order to steal back money and treasure to distribute to the oppressed townsfolk.
They manage to grab quite a bit of loot, but are ultimately apprehended by General Camus, who holds them in custody. And hoo boy, Lena tears into him.
Camus: I am Camus of Grust. I am the one in charge of this palace. Are you the thieves who intruded here? Hmm... and a cleric too? Sister, what is the meaning of this? Why are you aiding these pack of thieves?
Lena: So you are General Camus. Indeed, we came here to steal treasure. However, we're only doing this for the people of Archanea. Don't you know how much suffering the Dolhrian army is causing to the people of this sacred land of Archanea...? Ever since the Dolhrian army invaded, Archanea has changed for the worse. Many have had their houses razed, lands stolen, and are now suffering from hunger, even. General Camus! Do you take joy in seeing everyone so miserable!?
Camus: Sister, 'tis true that Archanea's misery brings pain to my heart. However, I am a soldier. So long as my motherland Grust obeys Dolhr, I, too, must follow the empire's orders.
Lena: General! Then are you nothing but Dolhr's pawn?
Camus:I suppose... regrettably, that's the only way one could describe me.
She calls an esteemed enemy general a pawn right to his face after being apprehended. If nothing else, she stands up for what she believes in and is far from spineless. After this, Princess Nyna, who is being held in the palace, convinces Camus to let Lena and her merry band of rogues go free. Nyna gives Lena a large sum of gold to distribute to the Archanean villagers, and her story here ends.
Now we're getting into what happens in Book 2 of Mystery and New Mystery of the Emblem, and this portion is a bit more spoilery, so you've been warned.
In chapter three, Marth and company arrive in Macedon in order to stop a military coup d'etat that ousted Princess Minerva from the throne, leaving her to face the threat of execution. If Marth visits the northeast village, he'll meet Julian again, who is bent out of shape with worry. Lena had been kidnapped during the night, taken by a mysterious bishop. Marth recognizes that this same situation happened with Princess Maria, and correctly deduces the two situations are linked. Marth asks Julian to join in, to lend his thief skills to his cause one last time. Julian gladly accepts, hoping that this will somehow lead him to Lena.
Lena is absent for the vast majority of this story, sadly, but we get to see Julian's interactions with Kris, as well as the man himself, Matthis. In fact, Julian is needed in order to recruit Matthis.
Julian: Hey! Cut it out. Why must you always insist on pointing your sword at us? I pity Lena for having to put up with your stupidity.
Matthis: Oh, it's you, Julian. Are you still trying to worm your way into Lena's good books? No way, I won't hand my cute lil' sister to a thieving rat like you.
Julian: You can relax... Lena and I would never work out. But even if it's just a little, I wanted to help her in any way I could.
Matthis: Ooh, you finally realized where you stand. Attaboy, Julian!
Julian: Er, that's not the kind of thing I want to be hearing from you... Well, whatever. If you're worried about Lena, then come with me.
Matthis: Oh, alright, thanks. You see, they forced me to join the rebel army, but you know I hate fighting. Alright, lil' brother. Let's join forces and look for our cute lil' Lena!
...As you can see, they get along swimmingly.
Julian, after Lena is kidnapped, is riddled with guilt. His support conversations with Kris illustrate this. He fully blames his own shortcomings for Lena's kidnapping, which is why he asks Kris to help him get stronger.
Julian: Ever since Lena disappeared, I've looked frantically for her everywhere... I even asked people who chanced to see her. According to them, when Lena was taken by the heretic bishops... she had a sad look on her face.
Kris: What does that mean...?
Julian: They didn't put her to sleep. Or use some spell to control her. That time, I wasn't far from her. Had Lena screamed, I'd have noticed for sure. But, she didn't. That's because she knew I'd be no match for them even if I rushed out to help. Were I a much stronger man, Lena wouldn't have been kidnapped. Knowing that, I just can't forgive myself...
Julian internalizes the reason that Lena didn't cry out for help was because it would be pointless. Julian is a thief, not a fighter. He wouldn't be strong enough to save her. From an outsider's perspective, this is clearly not the case, and Kris points this out later, but Julian very much has issues with his own self-worth. She's a noble cleric. He's a common thief. It's been drilled into him not only by Matthis, but by the world at large, that he'd never be much more than that, even if he gave up thievery like he did. Kris is the one who ends up opening his eyes to the truth.
Kris: It's possible that... Miss Lena just didn't want to see you in danger. So she chose to sacrifice herself instead of seeing someone else getting hurt.
This is, as stated, the obvious and rational conclusion. It's not that she was ashamed of Julian's strength or lack thereof, but that she'd never even want to risk him getting hurt, regardless of his strength. Julian could've been the greatest warrior in Archanea and she'd have reacted the same way. All because, ultimately, she loves him, even if he can't love himself.
Eventually, the truth of the abductions, which at this point include not only Lena, but Maria, Elice, and Nyna as well, becomes clear. Gharnef was revived through the Darksphere and had been kidnapping purehearted clerics for the purposes of sacrificing them to the partially-resurrected Medeus, so that he may regain his full strength and finish his resurrection.
In the final battle against Medeus, he's surrounded by the four clerics, who were put in a brainwashed daze of complacency, all so that Medeus may consume them to regain his power. However, for each of them, a special someone can break their curse and save them from their subservient trance.
Julian had saved an angel from the devil's jaws before, and now he had to do so again, but much more literally. If Julian talks to Lena, this conversation plays. The music too, if you're interested.
Julian: Lena, snap out of it! C'mon, it's me! Julian! What's wrong with you, Lena? I know I'm a good-for-nothing scoundrel, but for you, I'd do anything. I don't want anything else-- I just want to see your smile again. Hey, Lena; could you smile for me? Please...
Lena: Oh... Julian...? You came. I knew you'd find me. I knew it. That's why, I could continue struggling in the darkness of my soul... Julian, I'm sorry. I've always been a bother to you.
Julian: Are you kiddin' me, Lena...? I'm just happy to hear your voice again.
Lena: Julian, there's something I'd like very much. Will you listen?
Julian: Huh? Sure, Lena, hit me. So long as it's within my power...
Lena: Could you call me... "honey?" You're always "Lena" this and "Lena" that. You speak as though we're barely friends-- and I don't like that feeling. That just won't do, especially not after we settle down together in Macedon.
Julian: Huh? ...What're you talking about, Lena...? Er... I mean... H-honey... Don't tell me you and I are gonna...
Lena: Uh-huh... I'm sure the gods will forgive me. After all, you... You mean the world to me.
In a bit of a subversion from the norm, Lena's actually the one who proposes to Julian. You go, Lena. So Julian saves Lena, Marth kills Medeus For Real This Time, and Lena and Julian settle down together, raising orphans at Lena's convent. The end.
So that's about everything when it comes to Lena and Julian. I adore their dynamic together. A good hearted but no-nonsense cleric and a snarky but insecure reformed thief, and their cute little romance over the course of two wars and several near-death experiences. Julian goes through an Aladdin-esque arc, and Lena, despite being fridged for most of the War of Heroes, is still very much a character with agency, from her BSFE map, to Matthis's recruitment, to her proposal.
When it comes to Archanea characters, these two are number four and five for me, right below Merric, Marth, and Caeda, respectively (and Tiki I suppose as a technicality, but that's mostly for Awakening Tiki so I don't really count it). And considering Archanea has some of my favorite characters in general, it says a lot about how much I enjoy these two. Needless to say I'm overjoyed they're finally getting into Heroes.
Anyway, for anyone that's wondered who these two were and what their deal was, I hope this was informative. And hey, maybe you can appreciate them a bit more after reading this, who knows?
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Raven Reviews: Huniepop, The Best Example of What a Visual Novel Can Do Wrong.

TL;DR
Huniepop is the perfect storm bad visual novel and the example I point to when someone asks me to explain how to tell a good novel from a bad one at a glance. The experience of playing it is an exercise in frustration for an experienced visual novel reader and a terrible representative for an inexperienced reader. The rest of this review is me picking apart every aspect of the game in detail and arguing why it serves as such a great example despite the fact it does not qualify for the title of a “true” VN.
A WORD ON VISUAL NOVELS
If you were to search for Huniepop on VNDB you would be met with this screen, displaying that the game had once been considered, but was removed at some point after its inclusion. Following the link posted in the notice, you come across this thread which seems to broadly favor the ultimate decision to remove it.1 Another link leads you to this screen, where the database firmly sets guidelines for what may be added to the collection and in no uncertain terms Huniepop fails to meet them. This review is not an argument that Huniepop be considered a visual novel nor is it meant to say anything about VNDB as I'm sure the majority of people reading this (myself included) respect the thorough nature of the site and its authority. What I do intend to do however is use Huniepop as an example in place of a more traditional novel2 because despite not qualifying for the genre it manages to embody every single pitfall a poorly presented novel could fall into.3
Before I explain however it's important to note that Huniepop is a well known game and mainstream in a way that more “traditional” visual novels are not. Meaning that whether or not we like it Huniepop is a representative of the visual novel genre to the mainstream world.
Poll a random gamer about their favorite visual novel and you're likely to get one of three responses. That they have never heard of the genre, that they don’t play dating games, or a minority that will list one of the few popular titles. Dangan Ronpa, Gyakuten Saiban, 999, and Doki Doki Literature Club! are the ones I hear most often.4 Now an astute observer familiar with these titles will immediately notice that they all share a feature with Huniepop and each other that I think is key to understanding their mass appeal, and that is that they all hybridize the visual novel style with another genre of game. Dangan Ronpa and 999 are puzzle solving mystery games with game play dotted between novel sections. Phoenix Wright is a different breed of puzzle game but follows the same format. Doki Doki is the closest to a “traditional” VN but mixes heavily with horror elements and meta game play so the point still stands. Clearly, mainstream audiences more readily adopt VN’s that provide some kind of game play element.5
Because of their popularity this relatively small pool of games is what we have to draw from when talking about how Visual Novels are perceived by people unfamiliar with them. Overwhelmingly to an outside observer this genre would look to be composed of sexualized (Doki Doki, Dangan Ronpa to an extent,) simple (Puzzle games don’t exactly require twitch reflexes, just patience and time,)6 anime art games with a disproportionate amount of romance themes.7 Not a bad description for Huniepop if it was necessary to give it one so short. I think it's a good idea to keep in mind that the western idea of what a VN is typically about was the mindset behind this game's creation. The author of the game has even openly voiced that he does not believe Huniepop should be considered a visual novel at all.8
That being said it’s hard to ignore the parallels. Strip away for a moment the lack of actual text (the NOVEL portion of this visual novel) and you’ll be hard pressed to point out a significant difference between this game and one of the earlier examples.9 Sure the gameplay is different but “puzzle” is a wide genre. The art styles vary but that is true between any two games and even the 999 trilogy went from 2D to 3D between titles and that didn’t disqualify them. Huniepop actually has a few ADVANTAGES over some of these games with a wide variety of outfits for the heroins and a huge amount of CGs dwarfing Doki Doki and 999’s numbers. If you wanted to be purely objective then yes, Huniepop is not a visual novel, but it shares a lot in common with the genre and those similarities are fascinating to look at when judging its quality.
IF WE COULD READ A BOOK IN ONE PAGE
I have always maintained that the most important single feature of a visual novel is the title screen. Writing, which one can argue is more important broadly, can have good and bad moments and be incredibly inconsistent with even the best novels in this genre having individual scenes far below par.10 I can’t recount how many times a good novel has had a protagonist that brought down multiple scenes they were in.11 Art is divided into multiple sub-groups so I think it's unfair to lump every visual aspect together. Backgrounds, sprites, CGs, chibis, if all of these are bad then a novel is unlikely to gain much of a readership but if one or two suffer for the others there is a good chance it can be overlooked. Doki Doki had very simple sprites and backgrounds but made up for it with strong animations and clever use of audience expectations to use their sprites creatively. 999 has downright HIDEOUSLY choppy art in its first installment and subpar character models in later games (as well as almost no CGs in the second game and none in the third)12 but used its assets sparingly and spread out its best looking moments to compensate. Point being, as long as the writing and art isn’t so bad you can hardly look at it and enough of it is of a quality to catch a reader you can get away with focusing on a few points over others when necessary.
Without a doubt though your title screen is one of those points that needs to be top of the priority list. A bland or uninteresting title screen is a red flag larger than the banner on the Kremlin during the October parade. Why? Because it's the first thing you see, it sets the tone for the entire rest of the novel. The old adage “You can’t judge a book by its cover” exists because it is ridiculously simple to take a single look at something and let that first impression color your view of the entire work. Perhaps the saying is correct, but it can't be helped that this first screen sets expectations and a catching or interesting title presentation can make or break a reader's interest in what follows.
Let’s look at an example from one of the greatest western VNs Katawa Shoujo and the subtle way it plays with your expectations.13 Upon booting up the game you see this image. Which is relatively plain. The three features are the central canvas like space, the isolated options in the lower corner, and the game’s symbol in the upper corner. The eye is drawn to the center of the screen where the negative space causes a reader to search for something to latch onto. The option text is simple and uninteresting so the only real object to engage with is the heart. If you had never heard of Katawa Shoujo before starting this game it's easy to see this heart at the edge of all this negative space and take away that symbol as the only feature. This actually primes you for the novel you are about to read because Hisao, the protagonist, is only moments away from a heart attack, which will become the major defining feature you as the reader will see him as until he is fleshed out over the course of the novel's entire length.
Katawa Shoujo then slowly introduces the reader to the idea that the heroines Hisao meets, who he first describes and views as extensions of their disabilities, are not defined by the features they possess but the people that they are. In line with this as you complete more chapters the title screen shows a branching group of pictures stemming from that first title card of act 1. These reminders of your story with each route fill the once negative space with a bouquet of deeper memories. The theme of Katawa Shoujo is ultimately that people are more than the surface level we can see and making judgements on one trait, one object, like the heart in the corner is ignoring that more lies below the surface then being “The blind girl” or “the girl with no arms” or “the guy with arrhythmia.”14
Doki Doki Literature Club also has a great example of a title screen because it hides the horror elements the game is eventually going to spring and the twist that this novel is going to be unconventional in plain sight for a careful observer. The first thing I noticed when first reading this novel and something that a new reader would probably never guess is that there is no “extras” option, which means there is no gallery. Now this isn’t exactly something to be worked up about, I can name dozens of novels that don’t immediately allow access to the game’s extras. But normally the option is left on the title screen grayed out (Katawa Shoujo, Muv-Luv Alternative, Aokana: Four Rythems Across the Blue) not absent entirely. Secondly, the game's name has a tell that will definitely go over the head of someone unversed in Japanese culture, but the O in each Doki are pushed together to form an 8. This is an unlucky number in Japan like 13 would be considered unlucky in America. If you notice that detail you can probably also figure out that Doki Doki, the Japanese sound word for a heartbeat, has a double meaning as both a fluttering heart and a nervous heartbeat. The inclusion of unlucky 8 points the reader’s interpretation to the negative connotation, the game is literally telling you on the first screen “be prepared for unfortunate nerve racking events.” Combine this with the lack of an extras option and you can deduce rather easily that this otherwise cutsie looking VN is going to pull some tricks on you.
Now obviously I don’t expect that everyone who picks up a given novel is going to over analyze the title screen like I do. I doubt most people notice they are making judgments about a novel that early in the experience. But from an author's perspective you have to assume that your reader IS going to be that picky about your game and so they put a lot of effort in to showcase the worth of this highly visual medium right from the start.
Huniepop opts to do a very common style of title called an ensemble shot where all the important characters are on screen in a group. Lots of novels do this from Muv-Luv to Kindred Spirits on the Roof, not uncommon at all, but just like how a careful observer will notice the detail in the Doki Doki logo an experienced novel reader will immediately see a problem in this particular picture. That being the sheer number of people on the screen. In total Huniepop has 9 characters present on the title shot and that is well over the average number for a romance focused game where typically there are only 3-5 routes.15 Now I used Kindred Spirits as an example of another ensemble shot which has an ungodly 16 characters16 but that is the exception rather then the rule as EVERY character in the game is included and Kindred Spirits follows a unique story telling style that doesn't fit cleanly into the normal progression of traditional VNs.
Almost always ensemble shots showcase only the heroines of a novel and cut out any that aren’t romance options. Suki to Suki to de Sankaku Ren'ai actually goes a step further and despite having two characters that are both options for menu voices (something else usually reserved for romanceable heroines only) and two ecchi scenes apiece included only the four main route heroines in their ensemble shot. Muv-Luv also follows this trend with three ensemble shots on its title screens featuring the six main heroins and neglecting the two characters that play critical roles in the story despite the fact they also have one ecchi scene apiece, which hilariously is half as much as five of the heroins and equal to the sixth but that's neither here nor there.17
Just by counting the number of people on screen a reader can infer one of two things is almost certainly true. Either this novel is going to be lengthy, as many as 30 hours minimum and up to 100+ hours if properly paced.18 Or the characters in this novel aren't going to be given nearly enough time to be fleshed out because the novel simply has too many people19 to properly explore them all. Given the remaining details of the title card, the spinning pink background behind the logo and the floating shapes that invoke the same feeling as looking at a box of store brand marshmallow cereal my money would be on the later.
BECAUSE MAGIC IS UNIMPORTANT ENOUGH TO BE USED TO GET YOU LAID
For the sake of argument let's say you either didn’t notice or didn’t care about the pretty big warning sign I just pointed out and decided to start a new game. After selecting a save file and a gender the player is immediately thrown into the games potentially longest string of connected dialogues but for this section I’m only going to focus on the scenes you’re FORCED to do. The story opens with the reader’s character approached by a woman at a bar who berates you for several sentences about your inability to properly socialize while you demonstrate that you have just learned the English language and are having trouble remembering the difference between thank you and good morning.
Without warning you are forced to make several choices in a row that all effectively say the exact same thing and then the woman leaves. The next morning in your bedroom a lingerie model set to appear in Katy Perry's reshoot of California Girls wakes you up and you rightfully tell her that sleep is a gift bestowed by the gods and you are not going to be roused by what is clearly an illusion. Disregarding your valid skepticism the protagonist from the worlds sluttiest magical girl anime takes you on a date.
This brings us to the screen you will be staring at for roughly 70% of the time you play this game, but I’m actually going to skip over it just to finish the tutorial so table that for now. After your game play demonstration the Good Witch of the West’s rebellious daughter returns you to your room, gives you your menu screen and presents you with the only choice that has literally any bearing on your play through. Which place sounds like the best spot to pick up chicks? Now I, as a twenty something man, have attempted at least once to engage with a woman in all of these locations, but something tells me this games targeted demographic of horny high schoolers that strangely like doing puzzles they paid a ten spot for more than using google to find free videos have not. How many people actually chose the park on their first play through?
This brings us to the one and only thing that I can compliment about this game unapologeticly so prepare your angry comments. The introductory scenes for the various characters, while admittedly rushed and simplistic, are generally really good. Some are better than others, but the worst one of the bunch Kyanna still gives you the bare minimum to get a sense for their character and in a better novel that actually cared enough to flesh out these girls this would be a pretty good opening. I like the circular nature where meeting one girl leads to the next and essentially gives us two introductions to each character as we see them interact with one of the other flat pieces of cardboard we’re supposed to pretend are people.
Oh shoot didn’t quite have enough positivity to make it to the end of that paragraph did I?
Yeah these characters are all terrible and exist solely for player gratification. I can boil them down to one word each and I bet you’ll have no trouble guessing which one I’m referring to. In fact let's test that out shall we?
Asian, Tsundere, Shy, Cougar, MILF, Black, Nerd, schoolgirl, Neko, Alien, Slut, and dominatrix.
Think you got 'em all? Of course you did because as far as the game is concerned these single words are all these characters are. In a way this game is disturbingly meta because the protagonist treats these people in a way that seems almost clinically designed to mirror how you the player were always going to treat them.20 You ask superficial questions about them (Age, weight, height) and then answer those questions when prompted. No, actually, you have the OPTION to ask superficial questions about them because talking to the heroines is literally optional, there is a steam achievement for completing the game without ever doing it once. You have the OPTION to buy them things, from the insultingly basic preferred items that literally just cater to whatever fetish the character was made to fill to general food items and alcohol that force them to talk to you more and romance easier. And of course you have the OPTION, but are really forced to take them on dates.
But I’m still not ready to talk about the dates yet so let's switch topics.
HOW TO FAIL AT AESTHETIC DESIGN
Let's talk about the music. There are twenty three tracks in this game and all of them are forgettable garbage. One of those tracks is the opening theme and if you ever played this game with headphones you know EXACTLY what the opening notes of that song sound like because it was the last thing you heard before going deaf for three hours. For anyone who hasn’t had their hearing destroyed follow this link and you’ll see what I’m talking about, they set this theme about three times as loud as it should have been and what makes it worse is they put it over that off putting title screen to make this game as unappealing as possible! Of the twenty two remaining tracks two of those only play in your character's bedroom during and after the romance game. That leaves twenty tracks of music, not an bad amount. So when do those play? Well you might get a clue by looking at the titles, with such riveting names as Dagwood Park, University Campus, Fitness Club, and my personal favorite Hot Springs, because Onsen was apparently too complicated a word.
They all just pertain to the location they’re named after. No variety, no variation, and each time you return to the location they loop from the beginning so I hope you enjoy the first thirty seconds or so of these two and a half minute tracks because that's the part you’re going to hear.
You know what was one of my favorite parts of Katawa Shoujo? Something I always remembered even years after I read the story. The two rattles at the beginning of Kenji’s theme Out of the Loop. Kenji is insane by the literal definition, he has undiagnosed paranoia and is going to kill someone if not properly medicated21 but I was never upset to see him because this song loop always made me chuckle. The game is self aware enough to tell you Kenji is clearly wrong about everything he says by using his own theme to show the motif. He’s out of the loop, disconnected, thoughts rattle around his brain but nothing worth knowing. Now Kenji is actually one of the more interesting characters in Katawa Shoujo and much deeper then his introduction might lead you to believe but that's a topic for another day. What I wanted to illustrate is that music in a visual novel is one of the most important details you need to get right in order to have a good play experience for your reader.
Authors of films, TV shows and VNs don’t give characters their own themes because it's just tradition and saves time when you can copy paste someone's theme over every scene they’re in. They do it because music is an ingrained and easy to access part of human culture and can have a huge variety of effects when we hear it. Everyone knows what a “wild west” song sounds like. Everyone knows what jazz, and classical, and eastern music sounds like and if you don’t think you do you actually do but just can’t think of an example. I can play just five seconds of organ music and everyone who can hear it will immediately start thinking about vampires and cheesy cartoons about Gothic horror. When you are planning your musical accompaniment for a visual novel it is imperative you understand what you are trying to SAY with your choices and where they play. When I’m in the forest with the shy girl I should not be hearing the same music as when I’m in the forest with the obnoxious party girl. Going to a club with Cougar should not be the same as going with MILF because the atmosphere of the scene is completely different. I should not be thinking “I am at Lusty’s Nightclub with girl X.” I should be thinking “I am at a club with this girl who is _.” But when the music is always the same no matter what girl I bring it makes the place feel static and lifeless and the heroins uninteresting.
Another problem with Huniepop is the terrible UI which just bogs down the whole game. Granted, everything is straightforward and easy to understand, but the damn thing takes up three quarters of the screen! Now maybe you’re a speed reader and don’t care much for background art and fine details and if so i guess you can skip to the end of this section this complaint isn’t for you but for everyone else everything about this UI is chunky in the worst possible way. Of the six options on the screen at any given time the only two that REALLY need to be there are “talk” and “go on date” and the rest are just shortcuts to your menu. Now I'm not opposed to shortcuts, far from it, I love them, but that's what key binding is for. All you do by forcing these options on the screen is cater to the lowest common denominator of players and give the game a claustrophobic feel. It makes me wonder why you even bothered making the backgrounds at all if you were so ashamed of them you just had to shield as much as possible from view after the static sprite slides into place and we get half a second to look at the art. That is when the entire screen isn’t taken up by the glorified pachinko board which I’m still avoiding but I’ll get to it don't rush me next topic!
A SILENT CHARACTER TRAGEDY
So if I’m being honest everything I've said so far is kind of superficial. So the title screen isn’t great and the intro was hilariously rushed with unfunny jokes and the music is lame and the UI is chunky. Big deal, why do I care enough to talk about it? Well the truth of the matter is that Huniepop commits a cardinal sin that I think more people need to be cognizant of, and when I first realized why this game had always felt kind of off in my mind, I knew I had to say something. It’s not revolutionary to say Huniepop is a bad VN, or even a bad game. But those arguments have come to overshadow a bigger issue, one that affects people in the real world every day. This game at its core is fundamentally dismissive of the fact that your character is taking advantage of these girls and ultimately abandons them.
Now I know what that sounds like, I can already hear people calling me out as an SJW and laughing at the fact that I even brought this up in the first place. Visual Novels aren't exactly known as pillars for social equality and far more often than not the mistreatment of women isn’t even a thought that enters the head of the author or reader. These novels are after all works of fiction, and contain scenarios that could (hopefully) never take place in real life. But I’m not talking about every visual novel. As far as i’m concerned art is something that should never be censored regardless of its subject matter with even and perhaps especially the most despicable and depraved acts being showcased. As vile and terrible as it may be to commit sexual and physical crimes in reality a book is nothing more than a book, and it is up to the individual reading it to process the morality of its contents.
I don’t care if the other lessons that can be learned from this game go completely ignored or if everything else I've said here gets forgotten. If you take one thing away from this now eight page and climbing review, take this sentence. If you never sat down and thought about what is going to happen after you put down Huniepop for the last time to the girls in the story, then Huniepops message to you was the disgusting idea that it was a fun game to deceive twelve people into sleeping with you through lies, manipulation, and sometimes debatable force. Let's break it down.
Aiko is a gambling addict who at least dislikes her job and giggles when you give her Japanese objects playfully calling you “so racist.” Admittedly she is probably the one least affected by your actions and I don’t have a bunch to say about her but you are definitely not a healthy choice for her to date or have sex with or whatever you want to call your relationship because you’re not solving any of the issues she’s dealing with, you just make her laugh and look cute.
Audrey is a drug addict who is failing her classes, abuses others, and at best has a tenuous circle of friends who all call her a bitch behind her back. When you take her virginity she tries to open up to you but falls back on her aggressive personality because she can’t force herself to be vulnerable like that. She’s self destructive, lonely, and on a life path to a terrible future.
Beli is a shy girl with body image issues and given the fact her two interactions when you meet her are with older women probably finds it difficult to relate to her peers. She’s easily pressured, a lightweight, and it is going to absolutely break her heart when you reveal to her you’re seeing other people. More than anyone else in this roster she thinks the two of you are going steady and it is simply deceitful to pretend that's what's happening and lie to her face.
Jessie is a single mom who turned to porn to support her daughter and earned her daughters ire instead of her love. She hooks up with random men, like you, because it’s what she knows how to do. She’s a chain smoker, and probably also an alcoholic. Now unlike Aiko where her gambling addiction is literally debilitating and Audrey who is a serious hard core drug user Jessie isn’t that bad. Any one of these vices isn’t enough to mention, but all together it shows she has incredibly self destructive behavior. Again, not as bad as Audrey, but if she truly wanted Tiffany to forgive her and rekindle their relationship don’t you think she would have stopped smoking and doing the porn shoots? I don’t think she’s still going because she wants to, but because she can’t stop herself.
Kyanna is a single mother who you drag out to clubs and outings, keeping her away from her child, and reintroduce to alcohol knowing she has a history of substance abuse at parties. Now unlike some of the other girls Kyanna is going to be just fine when you leave, she’s got herself together and a good stable life, but you are absolutely not a good influence on her and only going to cause problems for her and her child.
Lola… alright you got me Lola is probably going to do okay. But pretty much every single dialogue option you have with her is a straight up lie unless you’re asking for her measurements.
Nikki is an introvert who at first pushes you away but eventually warms up to you to the point she poses sexually on her bed just to get your attention. The pleading nature of that text makes me shiver as this girl who complains about her small chest to you THE NIGHT YOU’RE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX is trying her hardest to get you to like her. She wants you to see her sexually so badly she throws her caution aside and goes all out just to have you cheat on her with her abusive friend that drug her to a club against her will.
Tiffany is the saddest story for me because she is on the exact same path as her mother and doesn't even know it. She’s hypersexualized, choosing to wear a fetishistic schoolgirl outfit, sending you panty shots she pretends her friend took without her knowledge, calling you a perv as she sends you nudes, just all kinds of stuff she hates her mother for. As far as we know she has no contact with her father so she’s basically going solo through college and here you come, lying to her face when she asks you if you’re seeing other people. Too afraid to ask you to go steady, too lonely to dump you when you can’t be faithful. I can only imagine what she’ll say when she finds out who you’re cheating on her with…
Celeste is literally an outsider to your planet and I will never be convinced your relationship with her isn’t rape. Her species experiences heat, she doesn't know your mating rituals, and she's literally a prisoner on Earth. This is rape. Point blank, no arguments, you rape her, I don’t give a damn if she’s smiling.
Kyu is a nymphomaniac and is definitely going to lose her job at some point. She’s got the whole gambit honestly with body dysmorphia, drug addiction, porn addiction, an abrasive sarcastic personality brought on by attachment issues and to top it all off she knows she’s in a video game about dating girls for sex so that can’t possibly be fun. Hell I’d turn to drugs too at that point.
Momo is a child. She’s literally 6, younger if we convert that to cat years. She has the mind of a child, she talks like a child, she's a child. This is pedophilia. Not even Loli just straight up pedophilia.
Venus is the literal god of love and seducing her is a feat of unimaginable consequences. I literally can not even begin to fathom what it would do to the world but I can tell you one thing. The fact that she was not always the god of love means somone else had that position before her and I can’t think of a better way to lose your job then to be reported for having sex with a minor, which is absolutely what you are to her being 2% her age.
Do I think the author intended any of these things to be taken this seriously? No of course not, but I think that's kind of the point. I don’t think ANYONE is taking this seriously because this game is a bad clone of bejeweled. And to be honest I’m not that upset about it either, at least not in this specific game, but I think it's worth thinking about because how many other visual novels have you played where you didn’t bother to think about what came next for the characters? Games that took themselves far more seriously than this one? If you’re reading this and I've somehow struck a chord with you maybe you should consider thinking back on some of the stories you’ve read and asking yourself to analyze them a little deeper. Or not, because that's hard and no fun.
Alright fine let's get the damn bubble pop out of the way.
NO, I AM NOT GOING TO REFER TO IT AS CANDY CRUSH
The main focus of Huniepop is on courting girls through seducing them with bejeweled. You play bejeweled to do this. It’s bejeweled.22
What am I supposed to say about it? This is a game 50 something moms play before they get their kids from tap recital. This game is literally one step up in complexity from PONG. Yeah I know there's Alpha mode23 and it gets harder and you have to use date gifts and alcohol and and and-
Yeah I don’t care.
I’ll admit the number of mechanics makes it more interesting then vanilla bejeweled because at least you have to kind of think around what each girl responds to and the passion mechanic is nice I guess but once you have everything unlocked it's really just a matter of picking one strategy that works and brute forcing your way forward. I appreciate that there isn’t a time limit because I like to play games planning several moves ahead, but that all goes out the window for the bedroom scenes which are awkward at best and distractedly off putting at worst.
You know what really gets me though? Why bother censoring this game. If little Timmy gets on dads steam account and buys a porn game for ten bucks little Timmy can learn to google the porn hub compilation of the sex scenes. It's different when the novel is otherwise child friendly like If my Heart Had Wings, still stupid but at least understandable, but we all know why people are playing this game and its not for bejeweled! So why bother? Why even go through the dance? They didn’t even patch out the scenes; you just have to rename the file and everything unlocks. Literally, look it up.
Anyway I guess that's all I have to say about it. For something that takes up so much of the game it certainly isn’t much to talk about.
It’s just fucking bejeweled.
WHY THIS GAME IS WORTH TALKING ABOUT
So at this point i’m eleven pages exactly into this review and god knows how many footnotes but I wanted to quickly summarize my thoughts before putting this review to bed. Obviously a reader can not be expected to have access to all the information about a novel before reading it, and most of my criticisms about Huniepop require that someone have at least started the game to notice them. Usually by that point you’ve already invested your time and money into acquiring the novel and its quality is unimportant. But even if they have your money I hope that referencing the things Huniepop so catastrophically failed at lets you figure out you’ve got a bad experience coming in time for a refund or at least lets you get out before wasting too much time.
I know I said at the top of this review that Huniepop is not a visual novel and I still believe that. But I can’t say there is no possible version of this game that I wouldn’t consider making the grade. If the developers had focused less on mass appeal and made the story longer. If there had been more effort put into the presentation. If they had just given the girls one or two more sprites each and replaced the dialogue options with structured conversation there could have been a real hidden gem here. I want to leave on that note. Imagine what this game could have been if they had spent a few months altering things about the flaws I pointed out. Maybe this game would have made it on the exceptions list.
If you have 10 dollars you really hate looking at and want to set a bar for yourself at the low point of what a visual novel can be then give Huniepop a try. Everyone else, just stay in bed.
FOOTNOTES
  1. This thread is actually genuinely hilarious because a user named Usagi goes on an absolute RANT about Huniepop not making the cut. I honestly recommend it to anyone in need of a laugh this is GOLD.
  2. Traditional as in standard formatting but also in general genre expectation.
  3. Or at least the ones I care about the most.
  4. Obviously this list isn't exclusive and my sample size is highly biased toward western gamers but you get what I mean.
  5. For the purpose of this review i'm going to ignore the fact that making choices is definitely a game play element because 99% of a traditional visual novel is non-interactive but VNs are absolutely still games I will not dispute that.
  6. Again this is a generalization if you're some kind of quick draw Sudoku solver don't fill the comment section with a rant about fast paced puzzle games you're hobby is valid calm down.
  7. This might be because the mainstream often confuses dating simulators with visual novels (which honestly I can't blame them for their is a LOT of crossover) but nonetheless it IS something the genre is known for and participates in.
  8. Originally I intended to provide a link to a tweet from the creator supporting this but it has since been deleted so unfortunately I can not. I pinky promise i'm right though so you have to trust me.
  9. Ya know, except that those novels are actually GOOD.
  10. Why Kindred Spirits needed to tell the story of Tsurogermine running from her teacher from TWO perspectives i'll never understand. I literally just saw it from Yuna's perspective and she has more information then you I don't need to know why you said GAH instead of AH.
  11. Takeru from Muv-Luv Extra anyone? Honestly couldn't stand that selfish prick till halfway through Unlimited and he didn't win me over till Alternative.
  12. If you want to get really technical the second game in the trilogy had a lot of CGs that just showed the posed character models but I hardly think that counts. Its not something worth arguing about but I personally don't count them.
  13. That isn't a controversial statement is it? I mean it doesn't exactly have a bunch of competition.
  14. If I ever feel brave enough I'll do a full review of that game to really delve into the themes but some great reference videos can be found on YouTube if you're curious.
  15. This is just in my experience and doesn't include "joke" or "bad end" routes. Numbers may vary but this is a good standard estimate.
  16. Kindred Spirits actually does a pretty good job of dividing those characters into groups and presenting them as units rather then individuals which helps to mitigate that number but still 16 is HUGE for a visual novel even harem games don't usually have that many.
  17. Yes, I am aware that Mikoto is not a valid romance option in Extra and saying that Muv-Luv has three title screens is kind of misleading but that isn't the point of this review and honestly not a huge deal.
  18. This estimation of time is taken from average novel lengths and my personal time to read them, it's only an estimation and not to be taken as a statement of fact.
  19. Especially when we count the unlockable characters.
  20. Namely, as disposable.
  21. Let me know if you got the reference, I'm curious.
  22. A game that can be found for FREE I might add.
  23. No joke their are half a dozen Steam guides on how to best beat Alpha mode and apparently it goes all the way up to lvl 100 which is INSANE! Who would play that much Huniepop that is like hours of work!
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Black Ops Story Speculation (Tape #5, 1981)

title correction: Black Ops Story Speculation (Tape #6, 1981)
Previous threads:
Tape 1 (1962-63)
Tape 2 (1968-69)
Tape 3 (1972-73)
Tape 4 (1977-78)
Tape 5 (1979)
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So….the teaser came out :D .
Obviously it’s Black Ops: Cold War, but I’m excited to see more little details revealed in this trailer. I might break it down in a different thread, but expect to see some details here too.
  1. I should’ve figured it’s a year closer to 1979. If the flashback narrative being hinted is legit, we would have more events closer to our ‘present’ day. I guess we won't get links to the SDI project OR the Challenger, but then we've got a lot of other interesting events already.
Before we dive in, a correction: I mentioned the chess pieces in the previous thread might link to characters dying in the story. Turns out they were just linked with the ciphers and puzzles, with one coming down each time a day’s cipher was solved (all of the pieces are currently down). It could still be a representation of lives being lost every era of the Cold War, but I’ll admit, I wasn’t paying complete attention to the cipher hunt besides the bunker discoveries.
Anyways, let's get into the final tape. Apologies if this thread comes later than before, but there's a LOT I had to unpack in this one.
So here we go. Again, we’re looking at common themes and individual stand-up clips, for any hints to the story. The full tape for reference.
And for one last time: If something glitches, pay attention!
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Finally, let’s get into one clip I skipped. One that's tied directly with our teaser trailer:
Yuri Bezmenov, our Soviet spy boy. Bezmenov was a Russian spy who was planted in India, until he found he disliked the Soviet’s suppression of intellectuals, and defected. He appears in Tape #6 at 15:40, during the series of clips of other Russian defectors and double-agents. His words speak for itself:
“The highest art of warfare is not to fight at all. But to subvert anything of value in your enemy’s country. Be it moral traditions, religions, respect towards authority and leaders, cultural traditions, anything. Put white against black, old against young, wealth against poor, doesn’t matter. As long as it disturbs society, as long as it cuts the moral fiber of the nation, it’s good.’
This is the context for so many of the clips. The strikes, the racial conflict, the protests, young people and economic problems. Maybe not ALL of them are directly caused by Soviets, but they must've nudged something to make them happen.
Coupled with other info in the trailer, I think our game's conflict is obvious: We have a Russian plot to destabilize the United States and its allies. The Russian agents are doing it through assassinations, sabotage, sleeper cells, and quite possibly mind control. We might even have American collaborators to allow this to happen.
Knowing Treyarch's games, this plot's going to be capped off with something explosive; something that could allow for a climatic battle with our characters. Black Ops 1 had the impending launch of Nova 6, Black Ops 2 had Raul Menendez taking over the drones, and Black Ops 3 had Corvus trying to spread a digital-mental computer virus.
Expect Russia attempting a knockout strike on America, and our characters trying to stop it.
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Now, u/ParagonFury made a good thread about Yuri Beznemov. He has some legitimate criticism about Beznemov and his appearance in the trailer (mostly about how Beznemov isn’t as knowledgable as people make him out to be). But I want to highlight one statement:
The things Beznemov talks about and suggests the Soviets do to the US don't work in a country where people like Romney and Trump exist in the same party, or where someone like AOC and Biden can peacefully co-exist in the same party. The US is simply too massive, too diverse for that kind of strategy to work - you can sow chaos by following some basic psychology tricks, sure. But you'd need willing accomplices, AND another method of attack if you actually wanted to destroy a country like the United States.
I agree. You’ll need more than a few Soviet agents in order to do the stuff that Beznemov described. There’s a chance Treyarch will just handwave this for the sake of an exciting action thriller, but I think they’ll actually explain all these points.
The key words here are accomplices, and a method of attack.
1. MKUltra
This is the big one. In Tape 4, we’ve got a LOT of clips about the CIA’s mind control program, and in other tapes we’ve got a focus on emotional manipulation in the media, aggressive impulses, and mob behavior.
I’m certain we’re getting mind-control in this game. After all, it can make people follow orders en-mass (willing accomplices), and it’s a powerful weapon against any state (a method of attack). It also falls in line with Beznemov’s quote in the VHS tape: the highest art of warfare is to not fight at all. Why fight the enemy when you can just control them?
Now, this could just be a red herring. Maybe the CIA did try to experiment in mind control, but the experiments never panned out. But why the emphasis on a Truth Drug? Why the other mentions of Soviets trying to manipulate what Americans are saying, or their actions?
And this is a Black Ops game. We’ve had brainwashing in BO1, drone armies and future tech in BO2, and A.I.s stealing people’s bodies in BO3. Would it be that out of place to put in more mind control?
I guess it depends on how grounded in reality this game is. Treyarch might pull a Modern Warfare, with a more realistic game featuring less implausible tech or events. But will they really tone things down?
2. American Collaborators
Exactly what it says.
if Russia has a hand in mind control (maybe through co-opting MKUltra), I doubt they’ll rely on only mind-controlled Americans. There’s plenty of Americans in the Cold War who willingly helped Russia, like double agent Adrich Ames (who appeared in this tape).
We won’t just face Russians. We’ll be facing willing American collaborators, working with Soviets to create a hardline U.S. government, or just overthrow it altogether. It’ll be standard coup stuff, with either army battalions being co-opted, or we have armed rebels in the middle of cities (like the L.A. level in Black Ops 2.). Or it could be agents infiltrating government institutions, taking things over in silence.
And remember: Call of Duty is a game built on shooting waves of enemies coming at you. If we’re getting combat levels in America, it’ll be a little ridiculous to have a whole army of Soviets in the middle of the United States. If Treyarch wants the game to be more grounded (and seems like they’re doing that), they might have some Americans working with the Soviets.
Though I can think of ways they’d go around this. They could do raids like Modern Warfare 2019, where you have less Russians opposing you, but the gunplay is more tense and dramatic. It could add a stealth element that'll help the game’s covert tone.
…or they could just not care, like how MW3 has an army of terrorists setting up shop in London, or Black Ops 1 having a whole battalion of KGB guys in Hong Kong (without any political consequences).
I’m betting Treyarch’s will find a compromise. It’ll be an interesting change of pace, as the Russian enemies in CoD are getting a little stale. Not that Russia wasn’t a totalitarian government at the time (and now), but it'll spice things up.
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That's all for now. I'll be making one more thread summarizing the possible contents of the game, but it's been a blast. Some people liked the ciphers, but this was the highlight of the teaser for me. Half the time, I felt like I'm uncovering an actual conspiracy, like I'm just a step away from morphing into Mailroom-Conspiracy-Charlie from It's Always Sunny. I think that's the excitement Treyarch meant to spark with this whole teaser campaign.
Thanks for all the support! I'm happy people were so interested in my analysis of these tapes. Also, thanks to u/Sageburner712 for his own threads, he put up some interesting details I missed. Look out for at least one more thread!
Any thoughts and speculation of your own? Let me know in the comments!
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(Also, thank you to Activision and Treyarch for the message! I hope this game turns out amazing; I'm definitely getting it when it comes out.
Also, if you're reading this: please make the game less than a bazillion Gigabytes. I'm saving disk space for Cyberpunk 2077, the only other game I can uninstall is Modern Warfare 2019, and I don't want Infinity Ward devs haunting me in my sleep. )
submitted by LunarRepubl1c to blackopscoldwar [link] [comments]

Some advice for artists when it comes to approaching their career professionally and dealing with labels/production companies as told by Amy Thompson, former manager for Swedish House Mafia, Seal, DJ Snake & marketer for Kanye

Intro: Hey everyone I recently read Amy Thompson’s helpful book about Artist Management and Marketing and I thought there was a lot of stuff that any aspiring professional musician should look into. I highly suggest reading it if you want to get into the business of music but here are my personal key takeaways:
1. Your music is your biggest asset, your catalogue is your portfolio, your brand is your business.
Get in the mindset that your music catalogue is your most important asset, it’s literally your life’s work and if handled correctly could be how you retire and feed you children. Without retaining ownership over your catalogue you could easily die broke. Don’t sign license deals that last for your whole life, don’t sign record deals that give up any hope of recouping your advance, if you are giving someone equity in your career you better be able to clearly explain what it is they bring to the table to add value.
2. Always think of the next move.
One move should set up the other, everyone like plans, plans mean calm. Map out your year and update it monthly. Your single should set up the album, your album should set up the tour, your tour should set up your press run, your press run should get your buzz high enough to get a better deal. Always think of what the goal of anything you do is. What are you trying to achieve? Another example: your well shot video sets up your YouTube to gain followers, your YouTube gaining 1000 followers means you can monetize, once you monetize you’re going to sell your merchandise directly on your YouTube, your sales will go up which will create more revenue to invest in your album budget.
3. The Music Industry is Fickle
The music industry is ever changing, things that have been convention and ‘law’ for 40 year are going out the window, there are no rules and doing something the way someone else did it will only get you diminishing returns, there is no one off formula, do it your way and do it proudly. The streaming era especially changed everything, rollouts and jobs that were once standard will be replaced by new ideas and roles. Don’t do things just because other people are doing them, that’s how you end up never standing out. Being a contrarian once in a while does more than following trends. Get ahead of the trend and your bets will pay off.
4. Songs = Assets you sell to companies, Artist = the product you’re selling to the fans
This is similar to the first point but is something people miss time and time again. You the artist are the product, your brand is the product, your songs feed into your product. If your mission is to spread a political message your songs shouldn’t be the only reflection of that, your lifestyle (or at least how it’s portrayed online) needs to match. Labels don’t develop artist brands anymore, they buy them. You need to have a one sheet that shows why your brand & business are thriving and on the up. You need to constantly convey on Instagram that you are intentionally making some sort of statement. The content of that statement is up to you but you need to write out some keywords and a mood-board about what you stand for and reference it when posting. Same with releases, why does this song help sell who you are better than the other ones? Always keep that in mind.
5. If you do get an Advance MAKE IT LAST.
“An Advance is not money, it’s a loan, and if your royalty rate is 20% it’s a loan with an 80% interest rate.” writes Thompson. And the higher that loan the more pressure you have to get results. If your album doesn’t sell well your 3rd project could be paying off the debt from your first project. Recouping takes years for everyone not just small artists; if they ever recoup at all. If you want to get a big advance just make sure you have mapped out how it will be spent. My advice, keep at least 10-20% of it for unforeseen expenses. You never know what life will throw at you (COVID-19 being a perfect example). If you are spending any of your advance on assets that lose value you might as well just go get a bank loan, either way your screwing yourself.
6. If you do sign with a label have a clause regarding any demos/unreleased recordings
It happens all the time, an artist leaves a label and can’t get their recordings because once you’re out the door they have no obligation or incentive to get them to you. If you know you aren’t going to re-up your deal make sure that you have verbiage in there stating that all unreleased demos are reverted back to you and are presented on the final day of the term with a drive link or hard drive. Otherwise you may have a large gap between when you can release new music which is not ideal for an industry where constant output is a necessity.
7. If you do sign negotiate that your marketing spends go up per project
This is similar to point 6 because it’s about foresight and human nature. If the writing on the wall is that you’re leaving the label after your last committed album they will reduce spending on you. Why would they go all out on your final album with them if all that’s going to do is help another company make a bunch of money with your increased status? Make sure you set a fixed marketing budget per project outlined in the contract so that you can protect yourself from this.
8. Create Databases for Everything
Venue contacts, curators, blogs, these are year round tasks that need to be completed, if you are doing them last minute once you’ve released the song you’ve already lost. You need resources that fit your career and are easy to reference.
9. Every Song Is a New Folder
Every song release if it’s intentional and well thought out should have accompanying assets. The music video, the promo video, the visualizer, the press photos, the split sheet, the press release, etc. Anytime you plan to release a song you need a folder for it with all these things in there. Have these all ready BEFORE you submit your song for release, or at least most of them. You’ll thank me on release week, trust me.
10. Campaigns Need Layers
You can’t release a song in 2020 without video and photo assets. I mean you can but that would be pretty unprofessional. You need a week or two of rollout content and another week of content ready to promote post release. You need to have a post ready for why the song is being released. You need a post ready with a call to action for fans to engage with. Everything should crescendo with the release. Don’t drop your music video 3 months after the song and album if you haven’t been releasing consistent content to lead to that likely expensive video. That alone without a plan for how to get that video max exposure is not going to increase streams by much and doesn’t set anything new up; basically just a waste of your time and money. Map things out ahead of time with how you plan to rollout the content so that each week after release you have something new to show fans and be ready to adjust as needed.
Also, don’t beat a dead horse, sometimes a song rollout will run its course and it’s time to get ready for the next one. I suggest giving each song a months worth of content give or take. Album rollouts are longer yes, but be sure you have a fanbase ready to consume that much music from you first.
Wrap Up So what do you think of these? What other advice would you give musicians who want to make their music a career? Any of you ever worked with a label or company? What was your experience like good or bad?
If you want to talk more about how to approach your career personally please pm me i'd love to talk more with folks
submitted by alexyxray to WeAreTheMusicMakers [link] [comments]

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