So... Being a huge fan of Obsidian's past work and a huge fan of RPGs and sci-fi - I was very excited to hear about The Outer Worlds, had it reserved for months, and picked it up at GameStop's 9pm launch on 10/24. I think it was the day after that I was searching Google for possible solutions to the quest called The Long Tomorrow, and naturally I was directed to Reddit. It wasn't that I'm an imbecile and didn't know what to do - I was simply curious if others had followed in my footsteps concerning the end of the quest. Well, as it turns out... No. No, they did not (at least in the posts that I read).
In fact, all the solutions I read were significantly different than my own in just about every way. It seemed everyone was either intent on choosing one of three options, or pickpocketing everyone and exploiting that case of medicine. Well, my solution was neither of those, and clearly belonged elsewhere. So I decided to just write my alternative solution in its own home. 😏
Now, I'm just going to go ahead and preface this whole thing before you read the bulk of the content: I'm NOT a monster, okay? I know this because I almost felt really guilty for the actions I'm about to admit - and almost even loaded a previous saved game entirely due to that almost-guilt. However, I did not do that. That's because after I thought about each decision rationally, I was able to pretty effectively justify - or at least rationalize - (mostly) all of it!
Also, I don't know what on Earth possessed me to write this like a fictional short story instead of a brief and flavorless recap of my "solution" to this random, inconsequential side quest. Although, I do tend to try to Role Play in Role Playing Games - so my solutions aren't always absolute in one way or the other - much like this game in general, it would seem. In any case, I actually had a lot of fun writing this so I hope at least someone out there can appreciate it!
Enjoy!:
Captain Not-Hawthorne and The Case of the Lawdamn Anthrocillin
I strolled into Edgewater with that blood-stained, battered case of black market Anthrocillin in my backpack - sloshed through the sludge-covered streets, past the broken dreams and sparking electrical shorts on the crooked, neon signs - and stopped just short of Abernathy's stoop. From that simple perspective, I could look to my left and peer through the open door into his tiny domicile where the dirty mirror on his wall still comprehensively enthralled the poor, worried old lunatic, or I could glance to my right and see the silhouette of Esther - casually propping herself against the grimy, synthetic wall of the dimly lit alleyway.
Since the moment Abernathy had given me his sob story begging for the illegal meds, and Esther suggested her alternative - I was confident that I would be delivering the medicine to Abernathy. But just then, standing there in the fourteen inches of mud and shit outside Abernathy's domicile - I was curious whether Esther could convince me otherwise. So, to my right I sloshed into the alleyway, and engaged her in conversation a little more than I had before. Apparently, she's a Human Resources Compensation & Benefits Actuary for Spacer's Choice. Essentially an Accountant, but MUCH cooler (if you can even imagine that) with MAD skillz stacked into General Mathematics & Statistical Modeling.
She then made a comment about wanting to finish this transaction because she was repulsed by "people like me" which may have aggravated me just a little. Esther did, however, make a couple fairly good points like the fact that Abernathy is prone to hypochondria and has already lived a full life of savage misery in Edgewater. There were other, younger people in more dire need of the medicine who hadn't yet experienced the full spectrum of hopelessness that Edgewater had to offer, she insisted.
I thought for a minute, glanced back over at Abernathy's humble abode, and made my decision. I had Parvati unzip my backpack, remove the case of contraband, and hand it over to Esther. She assured me I had made the right decision, and then I asked her exactly what she would be doing with the medicine.
Clearly annoyed by my inquiry, she glared at me as she set the battered metal case on the ground. Squatting down - but not so far as to allow her pants to be soiled by the mud and refuse of which it was comprised - she gripped both sides of the container with her fingers, and returned her full attention to the box of Anthrocillin.
"I'll give it to people who deserve it, for starters." She answered, a majority of her attention still focused on the task at hand. Using both thumbs to release the latches on either side - she smiled satisfactorily as the case lid sprung open and revealed several modules of the Auntie Cleo's drug.
Evidently content, she sighed with relief, rose from the ground and handed me a cartridge with 700 bits inside - which I quickly slid into my pocket.
"I'll give some of the medicine to Silas because he's always outside in the cold, some to Amelia because she's always dealing with people...." She continued to explain. Then she promptly closed the lid, secured the latches, and hoisted the case off of the ground with a grunt. She was clearly in a hurry to extricate herself from this transaction. She wasn't getting away that easily, though. I leaned on her for a little extra cash.
That's when she did something which I found to be a tad suspicious. Sure, she called me shady again, but that is to be expected. I mean, she's a fucking Accountant. What was odd was that she didn't argue at all and even said she had "set aside a little something as contingency funds specifically for a situation such as this." Furthermore, it was 300 fucking bits! That's not a "little something" you set aside - like the 10% extra you expect from applying a little pressure - it was 40% of the original payout! Nope, she didn't set aside shit. Someone gave that to her in case the seller demanded more, and I had a pretty good guess as to who.
As Esther tucked that case of black market hope under her arm and turned to walk away, I stared at the second bit cartridge she had hastily placed in my hand. My mind was racing - rapidly stitching together various threads pulled from inconsistencies in Esther's statements and other seemingly unrelated events and conversations.
Esther is an HR Compensation Actuary for Spacer's Choice. During her own explanation of her job, she made it a point to brag about how she knows the costs of all company property; blankets, rations, uniforms... People. Holy shit. She's the one behind the scenes who is responsible for the cold & calculated monetary quantification of every employee's life in Edgewater - all on behalf of this heartless, colonial Corporation. Hell, she probably has a spreadsheet with the exact "Operating Cost per Heartbeat per Employee; Sorted by Employee DOB" or some cold shit like that. I bet she's also tasked with compiling an Annual Cost-Benefit Analysis determining which employees generate enough revenue per annum via their contributions to offset their own "Operating Cost" by an acceptable margin: Revenue minus Operating Costs equals Profit (R - OC = P)! It would stand to reason that such a report would almost certainly be the tool used to decide who is "valuable" enough to receive treatment for the plague, and who is not.
By obtaining this medicine - she is ensuring no one else gets that kind of power! It would appear that Esther has managed to develop some sort of fucking God Complex doing the work she does, and must believe SHE alone knows what's best for everyone, and SHE alone should decide who lives and who dies!
She was either sent by Spacer's Choice covertly to intercept the medicine - knowing this outsider might only feel inclined to turn over the medicine for the same reasons and emotions invoked by Abernathy. OR, she really is some sort of sociopath who feels the need for absolute control over life and death in Edgewater.
Either way - it pissed me the fuck off.
I promptly resuscitated my presence of consciousness - snapping out of my silent episode of reflective contemplation. As reality reintroduced itself, it was immediately apparent that Esther had increased the distance between us already, and continued walking deeper into the poorly lit alleyway.
My internal deliberations were over. I quickly moved into a briskly paced jog to close the gap, while I instinctively reached down to my hip with my right hand and used my thumb to flick open the small clasp on the top strap of my leather holster. Continuing my pursuit, my hand was now confidently gripping the Joch Bolter Pistol in my holster as my index finger found and wrapped itself firmly around the trigger mechanism. Just as I came upon Esther, she began to turn around - probably from the sound of my approach through the sludge - but my arm was already outstretched straight from the shoulder. I squeezed that trigger and let that silent but ever so satisfying three-round burst of plasma bolts fly. Two landed in the back of her skull and one in her left temple as she had started to turn toward me. The haughty Actuary had clearly died instantly, and it really couldn't have taken more than four or five seconds for her entire body to crumble into a pile of flaky, gray ash. The case of Anthrocillin tumbled harmlessly to the ground - presumably when her left arm had melted into dust.
I gingerly scooped up the metal case of meds in my arms and with a newfound spring in my step - headed straight back through the alley toward la casa de Abernathy!
Upon my arrival, his door was still wide open - as it had been when I stopped short by his stoop fifteen minutes prior and was distracted by Esther. As was every goddamn door I ever opened in the entire Cannery. Apparently, it's an age-old Edgewater custom to leave open every door that's ever been opened before!
Anyways... This time I advanced up and onto his stoop and as my heavy, mud-encrusted boots crossed the threshold of his home - I noticed that nutty 'ole Abernathy was still entirely captivated by his favorite tarnished wall applique. My heavy footwear - shedding a copious volume of Edgewater's mud across his common room - produced deep, loud footsteps as I continued to approach the oddly focused man. As I stopped a couple feet behind him he finally tore himself away from that damned mirror, and almost shit his pants in fear - initially mistaking me for a Marauder. It only took him a few minutes to remember me. I mean, I was the first and only stranger he'd seen in probably at least a decade, and definitely the only stranger who he had - just hours ago - begged to retrieve a box of illegal medication.
As I handed that silly, old lunatic the case of medicine his eyes lit up - past the bloodshot, past the fear and utter confusion - was a tiny glimmer of hope. I mean, holy hell this guy was clearly pretty ill. He rewarded me with 500 bits and what seemed like gratitude. Although I suppose the gratitude could have just been leftover from his realization that I wasn't actually a Marauder. Regardless, 500 bits wasn't going to fucking cut it. I told the parsimonious motherfucker what I had JUST done to Esther when she pissed me off - and threatened do the same to him if he didn't cough up every last bit he owned! The frightened old man almost soiled himself a second time as he reluctantly produced in his shaking, wrinkled, weathered hand an additional 300 bits. It wasn't much - like the 1000 given to me by Esther - but then he didn't have the resources of a corporation supplementing his purchasing power like Esther (probably) did. I could tell this was likely everything he had saved over the years.
Dammit. I started to feel guilty for intimidating the poor, sick old man. But, I couldn't take it back now.
I turned and shamefully made my way to his domicile exit. Then, suddenly, Esther's wise words flooded my mind. In Abernathy's doorway I paused, supporting my weight by gripping the edges of the door frame and leaning against it - staring out into the cold, dilapidated town for a moment. My mind began to race once again as I contemplated Esther's words in earnest. Abernathy WAS old, and he HAD lived a full life - whereas there WERE others who deserved that medicine FAR more than him. Furthermore, that stupid, old asshole was going to selfishly hoard an entire case of life-saving medicine! I would go so far as to wager that fruitcake would stash that priceless box secretly under his bed, and being the hypochondriac that he was, would convince himself repeatedly that he was "once again" coming down with the plague. Consequently, he would dose himself needlessly each time he thought about it - thereby wasting that sweet nectar of life which others would so graciously cherish. Parents would lose children, children would lose parents, brothers would lose brothers, and friends would lose friends - all because of this egomaniacal bastard's foolishness and blatant disregard for his fellow colonists.
No, sir - I think not. At least, not on my fucking watch.
I found myself staring now at the ground as I leaned against my weight - still gripping the frame of the door, shaking my head as I thought of Abernathy's clueless ineptitude draining that case of invaluable medicine which could otherwise be used to save probably a dozen more deserving individuals.
So, instead of leaving - I used the strength in my arms to push my weight off of the door frame and back across the threshold into Abernathy's domicile. As soon as I cleared the doorway, I activated the grimy button on the door's control panel and watched the door whoosh shut - apparently for the first time in almost a day. Then I pressed another button on the panel which engaged the magnetic locks.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Abernathy hadn't noticed. Obviously he had returned to endlessly obsess over that stupid fucking non-reflective mirror - leaving the case of medicine - on which he'd just spent the entirety of his savings - where I had placed it on the floor a few feet away.
Reaching behind my back with my right arm, I gracefully withdrew my tactical shotgun from its holster strapped over my right shoulder, and heroically pumped a full shell of eight buckshot rounds into his spine from a distance of maybe a foot. His ancient, fragile body was lifted from the force of the blast and violently launched against that mirror he so loved - shattering it into a thousand pieces and painting the rest of the wall and one of his shelving units a shade of dark crimson. Old person fragments and people-matter littered the immediate area as a fine, red mist settled and dissipated. I asked Parvati to disengage the lock on the door and check to see if anyone outside had heard the ruckus.
Evidently no one had.
I re-inserted my shotgun into its shoulder holster, and bent over to pickup the now thrice blood-stained case of medicine, brushed off a couple Abernathy particulates, and handed the illegal item to Parvati. Smiling, I skipped out his door as I whistled cheerfully. Because I, Captain Not-Hawthorne, just saved the unfortunate, sick people of Edgewater twice in less than 30 minutes.
I made a beeline across the street to the Constable's office. Upon crossing the doorway into the small police station, the officer sitting at a desk in the middle of the room eyed me very suspiciously. I suppose I couldn't blame her. After all, I was now covered in the blood and ashes of at least two different people she definitely knew, not to mention the dried remains of four or five dozen Marauders scattered across my person and apparel. However, her suspicion was rather fleeting as the officer's attention was quickly diverted back the random shit on her desk.
Standing only a couple feet inside the doorway - which was consequently about a quarter-length of the room - I took a moment to glance around the tiny station. A couple holding cells were located at the back of the chamber - all of which appeared to be empty. Dog-eared bounty posters hung like neglected decorations on the walls - accompanied by a multitude of Spacer's Choice advertisements also clinging to the composite interior. As far as I could tell, the woman at her desk in the middle of the room was the only officer there. In fact, it dawned on me that she might very well be the only actual officer of the Law in all of Edgewater. Sure, a handful of corporate thugs hung out around the Cannery and I had seen them occasionally strolling about town, but they weren't police. Maybe that's why two brazen murders - each occurring less than 50 yards from the very spot in which I was standing - had gone completely unnoticed.
I had stopped by a day or two prior, but I suppose I was slightly distracted at the time - trying to figure out what was going on and where in the universe I was - quite literally. You know, having been just awoken from what was, essentially a coma, for several decades. By this second visit, I was a tad more familiar with this awful, Lawforsaken, shit-riddled hellhole. I was also stalling for a moment because I wanted to talk to the officer about the Anthrocillin, but I couldn't remember her damned name. I know it's stupid and petty, but I hate that awkward moment in a conversation when one person is clearly at a loss - ignoring most of what's being said due to that nagging cognitive failure - while desperately attempting to recall archived nomenclature.
I was about to just ask Parvati if she remembered, but when I turned around - the idiosyncratic engineer had wandered to the other side of the room. Naturally, she was occupied tinkering with a large, damaged monitor mounted on the wall which had clearly seen better days - having set the metal case on a table sitting under her new project.
I made my way to a terminal hanging in the corner, and hit a random key to disturb it's state of rest.
"Welcome back, Constable Reyes" Read the words at the top of the monitor. There it was! Finally the nagging sensation had been sated.
"Can I help you?" A confident, powerful voice with a hint of aggravation shattered my momentary repletion. I wheeled around and smiled.
"Constable Reyes." The sound of my voice seemed to distract Parvati enough to tear herself away from the electronics and retrieve the case. Parvati and I met at the Constable's desk in the middle of the room. Obvious impatience permeated Reyes' facade.
"We're here to surrender dangerous contraband to the proper authorities before anyone else gets hurt." I nodded to Parvati who hoisted the battered, thrice-bloodstained metal case onto the desk. Reyes' expression openly indicated her revulsion and bewilderment - presumably a result of the case's condition and mysterious contents. However, after Parvati released the fasteners, opened the lid, and rotated the case 180 degrees to face the officer - the Constable immediately recognized the medicine. Her disposition also rotated 180 degrees, causing the disgust and confusion to morph into gratitude and satisfaction. The formidable woman demonstrated her appreciation via corporate slogans, a broad grin and a cartridge containing 500 bits. I also revealed to Constable Reyes a sinister plot. One concocted by Martin Abernathy in an attempt to recruit me to retrieve the illegal meds and deliver them to his domicile.
The Constable extended her right hand across the desk and I extended mine. As our hands grasped in a very firm handshake, our eyes locked for a moment as well.
"I'm glad I could be part of the solution, officer. I had to infiltrate a compound occupied by Mauraders to get that case, and I certainly wouldn't want it to fall into the hands of a another organization of morally bankrupt, heartless murderers."
She returned the smile and gave me a quick nod as we concluded our handshake. I motioned to Parvati, and we began to walk proudly back to the station entrance. About halfway to the threshold - I stopped in my tracks and shook my head.
"Something else, Captain?" Inquired Reyes from behind us.
"Yeah, actually..." I replied, reaching my right hand into a pouch that hung from my belt. "I almost forgot..." I quickly located the small bundle of damp cloth in which I had wrapped some particularly precious trinkets. Removing the bundle from the pouch, I returned to the Constable. Over her desk I pinched the corner of the cloth with my thumb and index finger, let go of the rest, and allowed the bundle to unravel. As it came undone, three uniquely gory, discolored fingers tumbled forth from the cloth and landed softly on the wooden surface before Reyes.
"There are the severed appendages from the mutilated corpses of the people you asked me to murder."
-TO BE CONTINUED...?
For those of you possessing an inadequate attention span, here's the TLDR:

I gave the meds to Esther for a reward of 700, and used [Intimidate] to get another 300 for a total of 1000.
I killed Esther in an alley and nobody heard or saw it. Then I picked up the medicine from her lifeless body.
I gave the medicine to Abernathy for a reward of 500, and used [Intimidate] again for an additional 300 for a total of 800.
I locked the door and executed Abernathy, and retrieved the Anthrocillin from his corpse. No one was the wiser.
I surrendered the medicine to Reyes at the Constable Station for a reward of 500 bits.

Total Bits Earned: 2300
NOTE: Regardless of what solutions you combine, the FIRST one completed will be the "official" one - as in the one you get credit for completing in your journal. For example, even though the medicine ended up in the hands of Constable Reyes - since I gave the medicine to Ester first, that's what it states in my Journal.
NOTE: Although Ester is nothing but a pile of ash (undoubtedly scattered by the wind to the four corners of Edgewater by now), I received an email from her on my personal terminal aboard the Unreliable several days later. Apparently her ghost had just finished delivering the Anthrocillin to those in need as she promised while she was alive. Obviously the ghost is a fucking liar, though, because Reyes destroyed the contraband.
The End!
For those of you who read the story - I hope you enjoyed it!

Cuck Political Report - August '19 Federals

THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOST INSIGHTFUL MOST PAINFULLY COMPREHENSIVE PRESS POST OF THE ELECTION CYCLE IS BACK

Evening y'all. Due to Mika being busy and Shit being a Masshole, it's fallen to me to do the Cuck Political Report. Shit did most of the work but now I have to post it; kinda like how I did all his work for him as Dixie Deputy Clerk :D As always we'll get predictions and analysis from anonymous Senior Party Officials from the four parties. Yes four, the lolbertarians don't count.
Let's get started!
Shame on the dems for not having analysis, we all know Mika would've!!

National Overview

Party	House	Senate
Democrats	Coalition Majority	Coalition Majority
Republicans	Coalition Majority	GOP Majority
Bull Moose	Coalition Majority	Coalition Majority
Socialists	Coalition Majority	Coalition Majority

By District

Race	Democrat Analysis	Republican Analysis	Bull Moose Analysis	Socialist Analysis
AC-Sen	[insert competence here] Soc	I'm not entirely sure what came over Dewey when he called for the murder of billionaires, tried to declare war on Russia, impeach two SCOTUS justices, and fund Republican insanity care; maybe he was trying to lose? He debated very well and called Gunnz out but never came up with an effective defence for his more controversial actions which the former Speaker rightly pounced on. A slow day 3 for Gunnz might represent a failed opportunity to put this one away but I think in stunningly close fashion he'll emerge as the victor. Lean GOP	God I hate this new calculator. Gunnz, a decent campaigner but a less-than-decent legislator, managed to overcome a 15 (!!) point deficit to keep this race close. After hammering Dewey in debates on a stupid soundbite versus the actual issues, a quantity-over-quality debate performance (see a pattern?) could tip this race to the GOP. However, Dewey has been known to win nailbiters in the Northeast, so I'm going with my gut and calling Lean Soc.	Dewey and Gunnz both campaigned hard, but in the end, it looks as if Dewey's campaign events were overall higher quality, as was his debates. Even if the MoE was against him last time, then debates brought him higher either way. Lean Soc
AC-1	[insert competence here] BMP	Initial polling no doubt gave the sitting Speaker cause to worry as he faced the man almost single-handedly responsible for the GOP's AC Assembly win. However, as he often does, he rallied hard and vigorously outcampaigned his surprisingly inactive opponent. By the final day the race was no longer competitive. He'll buck the trend of Speakers losing their seats and will cruise to a comfortable but not too comfortable win. Likely BMP	Shitmemery was running scared after seeing initial polling, which is why he didn't fall victim to a huge no-campaign debuff. Luckily, a devastatingly strong campaign coupled with an inactive opponent allowed him to come from behind and run up a high score. Solid BMP.	House launched a solid campaign, for somebody new to the sim going up against the speaker of the house, it was an impressive run, with the race being somewhat close at times. However, House and the BMP pulled ahead in the end, for a cozy 10 point lead in the previous poll. Solid BMP
AC-2	[insert competence here] Soc	The former Republican lightning rod of controversy continued his unusual style of campaigning, including some bewildering debate responses. But he worked extremely hard just like his opponent to keep one of the closest races in a historically bouncy election close as can be. The debate will give Pacman the narrowest win of the evening. Lean GOP	New York just can't seem to shake PGF. Despite a completely uninteligible debate from both sides, PGF's sheer quantity of events should overcome the questionable quality enough in order to give him the win. Lean Soc.	PGF and Pacman were made for each other. This race was a very close one, with polling showing either candidate winning at times, never a large difference. I believe that maybe PGF has the slight edge, but it really is a tossup. Lean Soc
AC-3	[insert competence here] Dem	Two largely inactive campaigners battled it out in a nice and respectful campaign, showing that politics doesn't need to be nasty. The playbook was standard with them both mustering the time to put out 4 events each on the final day, all of mostly respectable quality. The nice guy battle will end in a GOP win, just because I'm biased and Lynx had a small edge (52%) going into the final day. Lean GOP	After a few terms on the list, Speaker_Lynx seems poised to come back to Congress with his old constituency to represent once more. Polling always tilted towards the GOP, and coupled with a rather anemic opposition from the incumbent Dem, Lynx should cruise to an easy five-point win. Likely GOP	This is a close race, but polling and the debates have shown that GOP have the definite edge here. Lean GOP
CH-Sen	[insert competence here] BMP	I appreciate how friendly and cordial this race was. One of the most moderate Republicans faced off with an equally moderate Bull Moose, such that they had little disagreements with one another in the debate. Brain brought his A game and worked overtime not only for himself but even managed to sneak in some events for others. Srajar did all he could against my predecessor as Chairman and slowly ate into Brain's lead as he turned on the jets. This one will be close folks, but as the results come in I suspect the BMP will get their second Senator. Lean BMP	Hey Prelate: SUCK IT! I had a whole line of attack planned for this race painting srajar as someone who hops from office to office without getting anything done, but turns out I didn't need it because Brain started with a 20 point lead. While Srajar did a lot to narrow the gap, Brain finished strong with a pounding debate response and should bring Chesapeake's other Senate seat home for the BMP. Likely BMP	Srajar is a strong candidate, but so is Brain. Srajar seems to have accepted his loss come the senate debates, when he gave shorter and less answers than Brain did. It was in that moment Brain won the race without beyond a shadow of a doubt. Solid BMP
CH-1	[insert competence here] GOP	The "Republican of the Month" famous for winning Flash his first ever race (that he promptly resigned and gave to p17r) probably expected to keep his head down and ride to a win with that same work ethic. He brought it, but unfortunately for him ran into RJM3AH who went blow for blow with him and outcampaigned him on the last 2 days by one event. A hard race to call but p17's slight polling lead coupled with higher quality events gives him the edge. Lean GOP	p17r, despite having me debunk 90% of the sources he listed as not actually being related to porn as a health threat, decided to copy-paste the same laundry list of sources into the Chesapeake debate thread. I love quality debates! p17r was an active Assemblyman and polling supports that he will come out on top. RJM kept the margins close with a quality campaign but unfortunately that likely won't be enough to bridge the gap. Lean GOP	p17r polled consistently better, and in my opinion had a better debate performance. It's for this reason that they have the slight edge. Lean GOP
CH-2	[insert competence here] BMP	I like history, so two former Chesapeake Senators battling for a House seat is neat, especially since it was the same seat that Kbelica took after Prussian was banned. In a tremendous disappointment, what started out as a close contest wasn't by the end. Kbelica's disappearance after day 2 and no-show on the debate stage blew an eminently winnable race. Safe BMP	Kbelica decided not to run for Senate due to trouble staying active, but instead decided to run for House where he still has trouble staying active. An anemic campaign from the GOP turned a marginal seat into an easy cleanup by Kaiser. Likely BMP	Similar to the above analysis. Prussian has polled better, but not only that, Kbelica seems to have completely forgotten to show up to the debate. I would be surprised if Kbelica won, especially under this new calculator. Likely BMP
CH-3	[insert competence here] Dem	Dixian turned Chesapeaker Froggy started with a large polling lead but was playing catch up to Cdocwra before he knew it. A critical no-show on day 3 and being outcampaigned on day 4 will be just enough to carry Froggy to victory in a race he very well could have lost. With two of the highest energy BMP campaigners (Brain/Kaiser) in the state routinely helping others, one wonders why they never diverted resources to this race? Was it because Cdocwra was the lone Democrat running in CH? We may never know. Lean GOP	ModelUSGov's favorite Brit manages to stave off another GOP opponent, with this race being much closer than the last. Quality events (sadly no singing this time) and a dominating debate will let this race stay in the D column. Lean Dem	Cdoc takes this. He had a consistently better campaign, higher quality campaign answers, and gave just as good debate answers as Froggy. He should take this. Likely Dem
DX-Sen	[insert competence here] Soc	In contrast to LN Senate, this was my turn to be disappointingly shocked as I was convinced Dexter was bulletproof. But Cold, with the full might of the coalition behind him and his record as a prolific bill author, seemingly did the impossible and made Dexter look human. He campaigned hard and unleashed a torrent of activity that would've swallowed almost anyone. I think Dexter had the better events in the end and a dominating debate performance that will give him the heart attack of his life as he inches out a win. Lean GOP	Two of the most active legislators in the sim duked it out in the most entertaining spit-swapping makeout match of the cycle. I don't know who deserves the seat more, but neither of them deserve to lose. I predict that, after an early edge and a strong debate, Cold will bring this one home for the Socialists. Lean Soc	This is a close one, it pitted two polar opposite, active, party leaders against one another. The race started with Cold in the lead, and the Socs defended their lead throughout the entire race. The debate period was heated, and I think that Cold won it handedly. Remember, Dixie was once a GOP stronghold, I think that this race further shows GOP weakness in Dixie and that the DX senate seat is going to be a better shade of red this election. If I were Prelate, I would be concerned about reelection next federal. Lean Soc
DX-1	[insert competence here] Dem	The leader of the Republicans in the Dixie Assembly started out behind and was never able to mount any semblance of an effective or involved campaign. His fellow Assemblyman BNG took no chances and kicked this dead horse until there was nothing left. A no-show on the final day for BNG won't be nearly enough for Tajec, even if he had managed to debate. Safe DEM	BNG Continues his streak of carrying the Dixiecrats with another resounding win. The GOP rightfully didn't even try to contest what is likely the safest Dem seat outside of GL. Safe Dem	No question about it, this one is obvious. Borednerdygamer is one of the Democrat’s best campaigners, and he opened with a massive amount of personal state mods but also had the coalition bump as well. With other races being far close, it seems the GOP didn’t bother with DX1, resulting in a definite win for BNG. Solid Dem
DX-2	[insert competence here] GOP	Ever see Clash of the Titans? If you say you have and didn't follow this campaign you're lying. Two giants of Republican and Bull Moose politics gave it everything they had and put on one of the most impressive duels in sim history. If you wanna know how to campaign and/or debate, this race should be your gospel. Flam's slow but steady approach and rising polling will carry him to a win but Allen shouldn't be disappointed, he would've crushed virtually any other player in the sim. Lean GOP	Allen started with a solid lead but got whittled down hard by the GOP's most likely candidate for Minority Leader. Only in Dobs' America, folks. This'll be another nailbiter, but I think Allen will have staved off Flam when the dust has settled. Lean BMP	If we were using the old system, I would say lean BMP. Jamawoman, the current BMP chair, put up a strong campaign, and it was obvious that the BMP put through the maximum effort required to win this seat. That being said, the GOP showed up too. Flam is the Minority Whip of the House and a sitting member of the RNC. Flam campaigned and debated well. I think that the BMP will gain this seat, but with a new election system, I cannot be sure. Toss-up (Lean BMP)
DX-3	[insert competence here] Soc	I think this is the race that woke everyone up to how different these elections were. Dr0ne dropped 29 points in one day (!!), the largest polling change ever recorded in the history of sim elections. The race became very tight with both sides waging what seemed like a personal war against one another. I want to personally thank Centrist for his remark about rigging elections, we sure made a mountain out of that molehill. At the end of the day, this one is too close to call. Toss-up	While the Socialists didn't have a dynamo as capable as Cold campaigning this time around, this race went a little under the GOP's radar despite a day one lead. The Socialists picked up the slack and rebounded, so this race is Likely Soc	This is one of the Socialist’s original House seats, and it is one that Party Secretary Cold did not want to lose as it was his seat. Without knowing the true nature of the current system, the GOP gained the lead on day 1; however, they were out campaigning every day after. The Socialists will retain this district, and the future looks bright for Dixie Socialists. Lean Soc
DX-4	[insert competence here] GOP	Poor Frosty just can't catch a break. Going from a heartbreaking loss to blockdenied to a battle against a hardworking and thoroughly competent campaign run by someone I've never heard of before; where did he come from? APG put his nose to the grindstone and outcampaigned Frosty 3 days out of 4. Will he inflict the next heartbreaking loss to Frosty? Unfortunately for Chris I can't predict that he wins, but fortunately for him I can't predict that he loses either. Toss-up	It's okay, Jarl, 1 in 4 American men have trouble finishing. While this race won't be the 10-point wipe that constitued the last Governor's race, Jarl will still come up a bit short on votes after being outcampaigned by an eager APG. Lean BMP	Again, with the new system, it is quite unclear to me how this race is going to go. Both candidates put forth the same amount of effort in both events and debating resulting in a close race. I personally think that the GOP will ultimately win this seat, but again, with this new system, I cannot be sure. Toss-up Lean GOP
LN-Sen	[insert competence here] Dem	I, and probably everyone else who doesn't have a dial tone where their brain should be, was convinced the somehow PPT was a dead man walking. Coming off a landslide loss for Lincoln Governor that must have snapped him out of it, he worked tirelessly to hold a GOP seat in our worst state. Slowly but surely he ate into Sam's lead until he was the one ahead in the final poll. Sam had a better debate performance that I think will pull this race back to even. Amazingly, what I would've bet the house was Safe not GOP 10 days ago is a Toss-up	I HATE THIS CALCULATOR I HATE THIS CALCULATOR I HATE THIS CALCULATOR I HATE THIS CALCULATOR. Sorry, lost it for a second there. This race shouldn't have been anywhere near close. DDYT campaigned poorly after six months of sitting on his thumb on the Senate floor. But here we are. Lean Dem because I think I might genuinely quit the sim if this race goes red.	DDYT is the incumbent, imo had better campaign events, and had only ever so slightly worse debate performance. It's not certain by any means, but I think he has the edge Lean GOP
LN-1	[insert competence here] Dem	A race featuring one of two only active Libertarians of the election is just as close as the polling suggests. Kingmaker (who apparently abandoned Dixie to go to Lincoln, a move as head-scratching as West Berliners defecting to the East) worked hard and outcampaigned Tucklet on 3 out of 4 days, building a small polling lead that I just don't think Tucklet did enough to overcome. It'll be close, but King will eke out a win. Lean Dem	Poor Tucklett can't catch a break, but I really have no sympathy for him. The only winnable race for the GOP in GL was swept away by a subpar campaign, which is strangely emerging as a trend from the party largely seen as the best campaigners. Lean GOP	Tucklet put up a strong campaign for someone banned from the sim for quite a long time, but I think kingmaker overall has the better campaign, and in a state like Great Lakes, it would be near impossible for a republican to win. Lean Dem
LN-2	[insert competence here] Dem	Top started with a big lead and then decided to play prevent defence and count on it to save him. Unfortunately, Kyle didn't take advantage of the gift-wrapped opportunity and was similarly absent. His fairly inactive campaign won't come close to taking down Top, who rallied late when it appeared he might be in a bit of trouble. The only interesting thing about this race is questioning why the Libertarian polling consistently at 0% decided to do 2 events on the last day. Likely Dem	There's really nothing interesting to report here. A stellar Dem candidate curbstomped the Republicans. Wish I could've typed this 17 more times. Solid Dem	This one isn't close, Kyle stands no chance and TopProspect put on a good campaign, not being challenged by a serious opponent like Tucklet. This combined with party mods is a solid win. Solid Dem
LN-3	[insert competence here] Dem	Remarkably similar to LN-2, the last Democratic Speaker of the House started with a nice lead and perhaps playing the old campaign playbook took it easy. His opponent didn't take advantage just like Kyle and gave Ben the time to alter his strategy and run an effective and high-energy campaign on the last two days. He'll win by a safe margin and this does down as another one the GOP probably shouldn't have, but could've won. Safe Dem	There's really nothing interesting to report here. A stellar Dem candidate curbstomped the Republicans. Wish I could've typed this 16 more times. Solid Dem	Exact same analysis as GL-2, in all honesty. Solid Dem
LN-4	[insert competence here] Soc	Tiger, amazingly for a Libertarian, actually put in effort and ran a respectable campaign. Not nearly enough to win, but when your fellow party members were mostly off picking their nose, it's a low bar to clear. The race ebbed and flowed between the two real competitors and while I think csgo had better event, he was outworked on all 4 days. The very small polling lead of fox will be just enough to pull him across the finish line. Lean SOC	Despite choking hard on Day One, the Socialists weren't discouraged and continued to chip away at the Republicans in the most sparsely populated district in the contiguous US. Once CSGO started going, he couldn't be caught by the GOP. Likely Soc	Bottled_Fox led a good campaign, and put out more events than csgofan, most of them being of similar quality. In the debates bottled_fox performed solidly, and it would be somewhat of a shock if he lost, especially with the difference of the event count and the emphasis the new calculator has put on that. Likely Soc
SR-Sen	[insert competence here] Dem	I have never seen two candidates who both wanted to win as badly as Zairn and Ibney, I'm not kidding when I say someone should watch them when results start coming in. Both exhaustively prepared for their rematch and didn't disappoint, dumping literal walls of text on each other in debates and authoring entire codes of legislation in the lead up. A critical day 3 error by Ibney made this race way closer than it needed to be but I think in the end he wins this round of Zairn v Ibney. His unique campaign coupled with specific and pointed critiques of his opponent in the debates will be just enough. Lean GOP	There are waaaaay too many close races this election cycle. Did you know that over 50% of House races in America have a margin of over 10%? Why can't we get that here? This race is truly going to come down to whether or not the graders prefer Yu-Gi-Oh or Ouran High School Host Club. If I had to call it though, I would give it to Ibney. Much like Dixie, though, both of these candidates would make stellar, active Senators. Lean GOP	As much as I want to say that Zairn will win, this race is without a doubt a tossup. This rematch between Ibney and Zairn pitted the two proud weebs against each other once again. Zairn easily defeated Ibney in a YuGiOh match, but will that translate into an election win? The only thing that we can be sure of with this race is that both candidates are men of high culture and taste, and Ibney has good taste in anime as evidenced by his spoof of Ouran HighSchool Host Club’s opening. (Toss-up)
SR-1	[insert competence here] GOP	A beyond weird race that featured huge polling swings (Prog dropped 28 points in one day) and a complete lack of activity. Maybe the Socialists couldn't have won even if they tried, but running a literal paper candidate didn't even have the effect of distracting Prog who responded with only slightly more energy. I can't begin to fathom why the Vice-President showed up at the last minute to help someone who was I guess too busy in MHOC and AustraliaSim. If Prog loses this, we should all nuke the sim. Safe GOP	The Sierra GOP really bucked the nationwide trend, and good for them! The Socialists didn't seem to try very hard here, and the SRGOP took no chances when it came to posting event after event. For now, Sierra shall remain a beacon of free market politics. Solid GOP	As much as it pains me, AMN did not show up to campaign or debate. The new election system gave the socialists some sense of false hope as they jumped in the polls to put the race into a dead heat; however, by not showing up to debate, AMN all be conceded the election. Hopefully in future elections, these polling discrepancies will be corrected. Solid GOP
SR-2	[insert competence here] GOP	In the debates BOOM asked Cuba if he was deceased, Zairn hilariously said what we were all thinking and replied that it was a valid question. Cuba was nowhere to be found and for what it's worth BOOM could've been running against a basketball with a smiley face drawn on and faced a tougher challenge. Why Hurricane bothered to do two events for him is beyond me but it represented a waste of resources on a candidate that invesigators are still determining if he ever existed. Safe GOP	Only in a simulation could you have a starklky-red California, but here we are. BOOM didn't have the best campaign, but he had pretty decent mods and an inactive opponent. That combo is enough for him to rack up a big margin on election night. Safe GOP	As what happened in SR1, a candidate did not show up to campaign or debate. Boom was already a strong incumbent in the race, but by not campaigning much and not debating, the Democratic candidate all but conceded the race to the GOP. If the Zairn loses his race, the once Democratic stronghold is in danger of becoming a new Republican land, Sierra will be an interesting state to watch next state elections as I am sure the Republicans will put in every effort to win in the state. Solid GOP
SR-3	[insert competence here] Dem	Panda had the lead and never looked back, slightly increasing it each time and racking up points in the Sim equivalent of NFL garbage time. Doing 5 events for all 4 days against an inactive opponent might seem crazy but it's always good to be careful I suppose. He'll easily win PresentSale's old district. Oh yeah, PS was here and despite a debate question about himself, didn't show up. Maybe he was recording a very long episode of Heartland? Safe DEM	A rare spot of blue in an otherwise red wave in Sierra. Panda campaigned harder than any other Democrat in his state, and luckily for him managed to run in the district that is the chink in the GOP's armor. More events and a stronger debate performance will easily send this race to the Dem column. Likely Dem	This is the only safe Democratic spot in the race. The GOP did not invest enough into this race early resulting in an early lead for SirPandaMaster. Both candidates gave comparable debate performances, but the incumbent Democratic looks safe to win this race. Lean Dem
SR-4	[insert competence here] GOP	Give Astr0 some credit. He had a huge polling lead and didn't entirely sit on it, always managing to at least show up. When the former Sierra Governor who was removed from office did tighten the race with a surge in the last few days, Astr0 didn't shy away and messaged me endlessly about his campaign. He adjusted his strategy, met the challenge, and will sit as the Representative of America's by far least populous district. Maybe he'll be able to see Russian rocket launches from his house? Likely GOP	Astro is probably the best designer the GOP has, but as the past has shown that doesn't always lead to a good campaign. However, this election Astro was able to run away with posters alone and secure the bag for his Party. While it is not his preferred district of SR-2, a seat is a seat and he'll take it fine either way. The Democrats made a decent comeback towards the end of the campaign, but unfortunately for them it won't be enough for a majority. Likely GOP	The GOP had the lead early and kept it throughout the race. Bandicoot, Astro, is one of the GOP’s best campaigners, and it showed in the race. Despite efforts by the Vice President, I do not see the GOP losing this one. Lean GOP

House Prediction Maps

Democrat Analysis House Map
Republican Analysis House Map
Bull Moose Analysis House Map
Socialist Analysis House Map

That's all folks

Trish’s background is as confusing as her dad

I spent new years eve creating a somewhat narcissistic, yet comprehensive list of my life experiences

- I once had a tennis ball roll to me on the school court yard. I panicked and completely missed the ball with my foot, from that day I've had an irrational fear of tennis balls.
- There was this one time, that I attempted to subliminally message my uncle into giving up smoking.
- I once visited my friends house for the first time in secondary school, this friend of mine was telling me about his theory, that if two intelligent people play tic tac toe, it will always be a draw. I then of course in typical Jake fashion lost the game.
- My mum once called the police and told them I had been kidnapped after forgetting to check further down the street.
- My family and I have "meme Sundays" where I show them the memes of the week.
- The first time I ate pistachios my parents forgot to tell me that you need to REMOVE THE SHELLS. I THOUGHT PISTACHIOS WERE JUST A TAD CRUNCHY.
- I used to refuse going anywhere without my healies, as a result I ended up wearing them to church on multiple occasions.
- My family must have thought I was a very weird child, as until and till the age of 14, both my family and extended family bought me packs of batteries.
- My friend was once told to sing in music class, his face went extremely purple as he started to cry, effectively dubbing him the beetroot guy for the rest of the school duration.
- My dad has become known as "the half job nelson" after starting projects such as decorating the bathroom and then leaving them half way refurbished. It once took us 3 years to decorate one small downstairs toilet.
- i have an uncle who tells random titbits, regardless of who's (or if anyone) is listening.
- I was at uni for a year before having a drug induced psychosis and being diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
- I've played piano since a young age and have got to grade 6
- My dad worked at my school when I was growing up
- I passed out in a computing class once.
- One lunch time I convinced my classmates that I had a game on my calculator, but in actual fact just used a bunch of maths symbols.
- There was a school tour guide at our school opening who actively told parents that the school was rubbish.
- I've been using anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and sleep medicines for the past 6 months.
- I used to hack Minecraft servers
- I used to make flash games for my friends at school
- My sister used to have an imaginary alter persona known as Blee, who was given his own mii character.
- I have the most loving family anyone could ask for (you can't change my mind)
- I'm the house's tech guy as I have a degree in rebooting router.
- I've made many projects, one in which I tried to recreate J.A.R.V.I.S, to a very poor standard.
- My parents bought me a pet snake for Christmas, I've was promised one for good GCSE results, but never took them up on the offer.
- I have two floors to my room, albeit small rooms.
- We used to own golden crested newts which are now an endangered species.
- I've tried to commit suicide many times by many different methods. it appears to be one things I'm REALLY bad at.
- I wrote a piece on Neural Networks for my public speaking.
- I've recently realised that I'm bisexual.
- I coded my auntie a website for her art company.
- I used to get so high on weed that I couldn't even talk
- As it turns out, this auntie once ate a weed browny in Peru
- I have a sentimental attachment to technology and never though anything away.
- Whilst on holiday my sister got an infection and came up with bumps and bruises. I told her that we would have to leave her behind, she started crying.
- I have strangely excellent hearing and can sometimes hear people talking about me through the walls.
- I have a loving supportive family, and they bought me a book on the substance DMT for Christmas.
- I am very spoilt
- I have fed a manatee grass.
- The house we bought our kittens from a real life crazy cat lady who's house was infested with kittens, the whole place stunk of cat dung. The friend I had brought to this woman's house then gave the crazy cat lady a hug,
- I made racist internet friends who I would verbally abuse me daily whilst we were playing video games.
- I was paranoid for a month straight after being shown the Truman show by my parents.
- one holiday i was holding a shit in so long that when I eventually needed to go, I did a poo so big it wouldn't flush.
- whenever my sister needed the toilets I would make water fall noises and talk about water.
- People used to mistake me for a girl when I was a baby.
- I once skipped lectures for a whole month and replaced it with smoking weed and ordering Chinese cuisine.
- I was asked to edit a clip in high school for a short film called "what if apple never existed"
- I used to teach piano to people
- We once saw a poisonous from whilst staying in Guyana.
- My best skill is keeping the teacher talking about their personal life in order to avoid working.
- My attention span only lasts give or take about 0.015 seconds.
- My physics teacher revealed to us that he had recently watched Minecraft trolling videos.
- I've been skiing, my favourite sport is badminton.
- I don't remember my first kiss as I was black out drunk. I was told that it was a light peck, followed up with me being sick on the rug.
- I have asthma and hay-fever.
- Myself and my sister always wanted a baby brother growing up.
- I have the weird ability to accurately estimate when my food is done without checking the timer.
- I made a google home device for my A2 coursework before it was released.
- My dad used to race stock cars when he was younger.
- My university is 7 hours away from my house.
- I'm studying Computer Science but want to change to Sociology or Psychology
- I know the majority of information regarding drug safety.
- I used to play club penguin
- I once got bullied at a festival for having tatty shoes
- I made a bet with a friend for his phone that I couldn't catch a bunny rabbit
- I was bullied at high school by a boy named Tyler.
- I was moved out of my first school because I wasn't developing fast enough
- I've recently made friends with a super chill, transgender lad
- My uni flatmates once played a prank on me, where they pretended to go to sleep, but instead hid on my balcony, making strange noises.
- Another time my flatmates hid in my cupboard and spring out at me.
- I once tested to see if the tooth fairy came without telling my parents in order to see if there would still be money.
- My mum came from Sri Lanka and my dad from Guyana
- My 8th year classmates once turned the clock 2 hours early, leading us to be let out of the lesson, after the teacher realised her mistake she sprinted back down the corridor saying "come back!"
- I learnt Russian (to an extent) to communicate with other people in the game CS:GO
- I made a flappy bird clone for my university coursework.
- My dad's birthday is on April the first.
- My first console was the PSP Phat, and my favourite game was Gript Shift. My parents decided me to surprise me with the console just as we were taking off to another country.
- I used to play a mystery game called Spy fox, my mum completed the majority of the games for me, as I couldn't read yet.
- We kept a cattle prod taser in my room for when friends came to my dorm room. We played a game called shock for shock.
- I've played the piano at Disney world Paris to 3 people. I've also played underneath the Eiffel tower.
- My favourite cuisine is sushi
- I once got led to believe that I scored a point in rugby, but as it turns out I was running completely off the pitch. I ended up going head first into a bush.
- I used to be friends with someone at the end of my garden.
- I've built my own PC when I was 14 (it's not that difficult).
- Once as a skinny kid I sat on the swing and the ropes just broke as I fell to the floor.
- My dad would tell us that our brains would rot after we watched sponge bob square pants for 8 straight hours.
- When I first got into gaming, my mum told me that it makes you less sociable, she wasn't wrong.
- I once kept leaning back on my chair during class and annoying a kid behind me. When he finally had enough he pulled my chair back and the table fell flat on my head making a dull thudding noise. The smallest trickle of blood came running from my head. When I got to A&E my head was wrapped up with a massive bandage. When we went in to see the doctor, she took off my bandage and found the cut so funny she couldn't do anything but laugh. I had a massive bandage around my head for a small 2 cm cut.
- I once started singing and doing an extremely strange dance to myself in the mirror. To my shock and horror I saw a younger school kid just staring me in the face.
- My mum allegedly cried when watching Bambi for the first time.
- I once ran into a stick my sister was holding on top of my dad's shoulders in the dark. Fortunately we had a family friend who was a doctor camping with us. He told me that I scratched my cornier, when visiting A&E I told them this, and they were very confused at my knowledge.
- My dad bought my mum a SNES as a birthday gift, it has been her favourite present for many years.
- I once unknowingly put my hands into a wasp's nest while walking along a pier, the wasps were not happy.
- I once went against my flatmate in a shot for shot, and as my flatmates had been on my Facebook account earlier announcing it, my mum saw the post and started to get worried.
- I once asked my dad how they made objects out of air, after seeing a glass worker make an ornament.
- One month I helped out at a local charity.
- I'm a reverse closet nerd
- I once drank orange juice and then was forced to brush my teeth by my parents.
- I once had my taxi stolen by my flatmate who was posing as me. When I tried to knock on the cab's window he looked at me as if I was drunk.
- I once ran a botched computing club
- Myself my dad and my sister had a game called Fire wo wo woh, burning wo wo woh, in which you attempt to get a rubber ball in the fire place.
- I spent an unholy amount of time playing the game "Professor Layton" on my mum's DS.
- I shit with no clothes on, always have and always will.
- People started asking my dad for a hair cut after seeing the botched job he did on mine.
- I used to go upstairs to a studio room at lunch times and listening to tunes with friends
- I built an app for my team when entering the Cisco red button challenge of 2013.
- We used to own a pet cat who started meowing at my parents whenever I was crying
- My first word was light
- I'm simultaneously somewhat smart and a complete moron, something something quantum physics something
- I used to be an alter server at my church
- I'm black
- When I was younger myself, my sister and my friend decided to build a bridge out of sticks. Each day a guy came back riding over it his bike, we attempted to put acorns on the track to "burst" his tires. On the third attempt I got really upset and chased him back to his camp ground where here went to hide in his tent. I told his mother about what he had been doing and made him apologise to us.
- I've been on two long boating holidays
- I was once diagnosed with Arrhythmia of the heart, I convinced myself over the following week that I'd need a pace maker.
- My biology teacher once gave his pet fish medicine.
- I nearly got into a fight outside a chip shop for repeatedly poking a guy whilst drunk, until my friend stepped in and politely asked him to go away.
- I once participated in big fun, it was an event in which myself and my friends went to a children's creche play area on adults night and wandered around like we were children.
- I made a new friend and went to his house, I had uncontrollable farts all night.
- A young family friend of ours asked my dead if he "slipped on a banana", after he had an accident whilst playing badminton.
- I entered the mii plaza and was delivered a nazi hitler wii character.
- I once persuaded my teacher that our german exchange students were Spanish. He then said hola to the german exchange students.
- I cried on my first day at middle-school for getting a centure.
- Apparently I told the younger kids at my primary school my words of wisdom, which were if you get to the playground first you get the tricycles.
- I had my tonsils removed after getting tonsillitis.
- When I was younger I slowed down the Alvin and the chipmunk songs to listen to them in the original singers voice.
- When I was younger the show, "the shiny show" seemed to give me a migrane every time it was aired.
- For most of the social gatherings at middle school, I avoided them by saying I just made plans at the last minute.
- My english tutor hated JK Rowling because he allegedly insulted his wife.
- I started following the Yogscast at the time when they were still making Shadow of Israphel
- I made a somewhat strange compilation of scenes 10 years ago in which I had a Dalek and a Cyberman form a romantic bond.
- My favourite and first episode of Doctor Who was Madame De Pompa dour
- I attempted to create a full size replica of K9, but stopped after cutting the wooden base to size.
- I played a messenger in our school production of Shakespeare, in which I mumbled my lines and ran off stage like I was about to cry.
- My music teacher always let me sit at the grand piano, making me even more hated than I already was.
- Even maths mechanics lesson I use to blurt out random answers and got them wrong 80% of the time
- I used to share black eyed peas songs with my friends back when I was using a Nokia phone.
- I once participated in a competition in which we had to create the best protection for keeping an egg safe when chucked out a third floor window.
- I have 2 cats despite being highly allergic to them.
- For every school mufti day bar one, I wore school uniform to school.
- I once had my teacher do some dodgy work with my braces as they were causing me to bleed.
- I once had 4 teeth removed, my mother came in but was immediately squeamish, I found this funny and watched her leave again.
- I once climbed onto the roof of the campus building opposite my balcony.
- I first watched Rick and Morty when I was Ill and thought it was the best thing ever. I've come recently to hate the tv show purely due to it's fan base.
- I once got really mad people were pushing me in the changing room elbowed the air, hitting my friend Charlie in the face.
- I choose my particular university because I realised there would be drugs, as it was a port to sea.
- I cried during the ending scene of Short circuit, when the robot was running out of power.
- When I was younger my dad came into my room to me passed out on my bed looking up pictures of Emma Watson.
- My cousins introduced me to the I GOT GREEN BEANS POTATOES TOMATOES soundtrack.
- I once had a restaurant visit in which I made a face using two wine corks for chubby cheeks
- I once told my family I would meet them at the restaurant, as I had just started a CSGO match. My mum was not impressed when
- I once started selling selling the sunflower seeds with my friend for a amazingly priced £0. Our new business venture was put to a stop after one kid got an allergic reaction as a result of eating sun flower seeds HE KNEW HE WAS ALLERGIC TO.
- I once created a 4 way chess board, invited four people to play, and didn't tell them the rules.
- Most nights of my childhood myself and my dad would sit up in the attic playing Super Mario Bros 3, each time we'd lose our progress because we switched the Nintendo machine off.
- I found out Santa clause wasn't real when my mum was telling our family friend about how cheap she got my present. I later revealed this information to my sister, ruining her childhood as well as mine.
- I once built a portable hacking machine that performed a man in the middle attack
- Myself and my friend invented a country called Alyamania complete with a dictionary and own national anthem.
- I have a dog, 2 cats and a snake, although they don't seem to get on very well.
- I used to watch little cook big cook with my mum and we would make meals together.
- I used to keep two separate diaries, one for centuries and one for merit, as a result I was never put in a detention.
- I am planning on building a vivarium for my snake with two watch out towers connected by a bridge.
- I created a meme yesterday that got 5.0k views.
- I once had a asthma attack whilst running as a replacement, followed by the next day I slammed my hand in a door and my dad locked the car before. The nurses asked my dad if we were seeing any social workers.
- I once got knocked over my Borris Johnson
- I tried research chemicals and couldn't walk for 2 weeks.
- My dad has driven over my toes with his car because "i was being slow".
- I once stopped a guy from falling down an elevator.
- I participated in NCS
- I got Alcohol poisoning the first night I went out drinking and woke up to my two parents either side of me. I needed holding still by my dad so I could go for a pee. The ride home felt like a rollercoaster from hell.
- My parents met each other at Mc Donald's
- I once attempted to fix a go kart's missing axel with sellotape.
- My sister and I created a non-functional Rollar Coaster ride in which we put up a bunch of strings and attached a cardboard box.
- I had severe depression and suicidal thoughts at university. My friends would knock on my door every day and come into my room and sit down.
- Every time my dad left the room, I'm load up Minecraft instead of studying for my GCSE exams.
- I once went scuba diving in an indoor swimming pool.
- I hid in my sisters room more than 20 times in order to jump out at her.
- I attempted DOFE but was left behind by my group, and told them to "go on without me". I later sheepishly dobbed my team in for leaving me in the middle of no where.
- I once won an iPod nano in a raffle after explicitly telling my parents I didn't want to go.
- I used to create PayPal accounts when I was younger and created a new account each time my current account was maxed out.
- Whilst waiting for the meals to come in a restaurant, I'd often play square/dots with my mother.
- I changed my mind on the course I'm studying and switched from Computer Science to Psychology (not confirmed).
- In primary school a gender haired kid called Louis asked me if i knew why we had ball sacks, then promptly told me it was to keep your dick up as you pee.
- When I had nightmares I'd go and sleep in my parents room.
- I had an irrational fear of the dark
- I once stopped talking to a girl for a whole summer holiday because she was distracting me from playing CSGO.
- In my first Minecraft world I built a castle with some friends. The stairs kept catching on fire, my friend told me that happens sometimes. Years later he came forward telling me that HE was the one setting the stairs on fire.
- I have over 2000 hours in the game CSGO.
- I was a prefect at my middle school but took into school a badge that said "perfect" from hawking bazar, and got demoted of my prefect badge.
- I once did a whole project on golden crested newts found in my garden, my project got an A.
- During our short film "What if apple never existed", we recruited the theatre lighting guy who set us all up with explosives. The explosive was understandably extremely underwhelming.
- I once had to call an ambulance for my nanny after she started having a fit.
- We once had a house abroad that was infected by 1000s of ants, we could see them marching under the door.
- My sister was born 3 months early.
- I have never been to a funeral.
- I participated in the cult, the beavers for a short while.
- My parents taught me to gamble at a mere age of 14.
- The best burrito I had I bought in kingston which contained chips.
- I have a lot of ideas but never do anything with them.
- I once found a small snake in a car park, and after being told to let it go by my parents I secretly gave it a kiss.
- We found a bird with a broken wing, we attempted to make it a sling before it's unfortunate death. We wrote the bird a tomb stone with chalk.
- A long time ago I used to have a friend called SkyLordWolfMan, my parents would constantly make fun of the fact I was saying that name for a whole summer.
- I've played piano at both my aunties and music teacher's house
- When I put my hand up in class when my dad was a teacher my dad would always pretend he couldn't see my hand.
- I stayed at school almost every day for my whole high school experience as my dad had to finish off some "late work". It's strange but his work must have involved beer because I could always smell it.
- I once went up to a teacher called Mrs. Jelly, and said "are you feeling wobbly today", fortunately she didn't hear.
- I was once hit in the balls after trying to help with a coconut game.
- I once took a orange cartoon full of vodka into the uni library in order to prepare myself for a presentation. As it turns out I was 1/2 an hour late for the presentation and it had already finished.
- I childishly made mock flamethrowers using a deodorant can and a lighter on multiple occasions at university.
- My first band was Clean Bandit, the clean bandit before they went mainstream.
- When I was younger my parents took myself and my friend to a concert, we both awkwardly stood there without moving for 5 hours, the woman on my left kept nudging me with her elbow, which really hurt.
- My grandad used to be a grand master chess player until his recent departure about a decade ago. I never actually met him, so found it hard to cry with my mother when she was mourning him.
- I used to read Captain Underpants and Alex Skyrider as a kid.
- I once came home with two odd shoes, we spotted it on our way to a restaurant, and the people behind us started laughing.
- On one Geography field trip instead of doing my coursework, I found a bug that allowed me to message all the other workstations on the network. People found it VERY annoying.
- I was once auctioned off to the school for charity.
- I once participated in a band performance where I couldn't feel my fingers.
- When I was younger I had a business venture in which I decided I would rent out a whole
- I had this brief period in my teenage years where I was addicted to making puns.
- My cousin once fell in the pond as she mistook the sea weed for grass.
- I used to run a web show with my sister and her friend where we made a shot for shot budget rip-off of I-Carly
- I once made myself sick as a kid to get out of doing an exam
- I'm a recovering 9gagaholic, this one I'm really ashamed of.
- I once left my phone recording my food whilst telling my flatmates not to steal any. I came back to a video of my flatmate sheepishly deciding over which piece of chicken to take whilst my other flatmate stood still
- One halloween I dressed up as the Cliche Slender man.
- I once had a full blown panic attack whilst in an interview at Maplins, needless to say it didn't go too well. As it turns out this shop has just gone out of business, it's a shame because visiting was my favourite place to go other than Mc Donald.
- I used to have a paper round, but instead of walking, my dad drove me around each street like the lazy fucker I am.
- The first time I played Minecraft I was sent into the nether by my classmates, following this, they broke the portal leaving me stranded in the hell world. I ended up not playing the game again for about a year later.
- I've been to Bletchley park 7 times.
- I've had upwards of 8 quad copters but broke each one.
- My last quad-copter's death was as a result of me demonstrating to my friend how you would lose control of it.
- I used to have this really cool robot that could do back flips. My dad took it into work to show everyone and broke it. When we went back to the shop instead of getting the same toy, they told us that the toy had been discontinued and we would only get a cash refund (resulting in me getting no Christmas present for that year)
- When asked to draw a picture of myself in primary school I added my sister into the drawing
- My earliest memory is driving around the french alps listening to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by the Beatles.
- My dad once introduced my mum to a pyramid scheme.
- At the end of a night of clubbing, a lad helped me take my friend back to the flat, then lectured both of us 3 hours on joining his pyramid scheme.
- A girl in my university dorm got upset with me for writing her name on the birthday list. She scribbled her name out and later that day someone else came along and wrote it back on the wall.
- I once fell off a tree and hit my head, could not move for 5 minutes. Felt different ever since.
- My piano teacher gave up on me because I wouldn't listen to anything she was saying.
- I used to ran a Minecraft server in which I'd get donations for in-game ranks.
- I once came up with a plan to infect the internet's VPS servers with viruses.
- When I was younger, my PC was remotely accessed by a hacker, during a session of Minecraft. After sending me attempts to
- I enrolled in a french class and managed to learn a staggering 5 words in french, including bonjour.
- My flatmate once nearly burnt the house down cooking bacon.
- My mum brings coffee up to my room in the morning.
- I wake up to my dog licking my face every other day.
- My mum once came in a snow ball rolling down the hill
- I used to think using XD was the trendiest thing in the world.
- I was once asked to run a power point slideshow for my teacher as I was the "tech guy". I showed almost every slide early and ruined every question of the speech, needless to say I was never asked to run the PC again.
- My family and I used to play Wii Party almost every night
- I made a game for the people at my school in which you had to avoid teachers and get to a checkpoint.
- I dream of going sky diving and visiting India in the future.
- For a short period I thought I had autism
- For a short period I wore glasses because I purposely blurred my eyes, I wanted to see what it was like.
- I've got almost perfect 20/20 vision
- When I was younger I had a whole month of depressive mood after coming to the conclusion that someday, my parents will die. Going through Existential nihilism is tough when you're a 10 year old kid.
- My favourite movie is Ex Machina.
- When I was younger I got offered a job at Maplins, only to have my application denied half a decade later.
- I once made a quiz about my home country, Guyana for my class.
- Our project in middle school was to create a wooden frame and do a puppet show for the lower school kids. I spoke to my partner and she said I could keep it in 2 years, she never got back to me.
- I used to host a spy club named SpyG with some close family friends and sister. SpyG was short for "Spy Grownups" as we'd both plant recording devices to listen to what they were saying and taught "potions" classes, which consisted of mixing a bunch of household cleaning products. Inspiring!
- I once stopped someone in a corridor and started singing "stop stop, being so hard on your self" in an incredibly camp and dramatic sounding way.
- My first music event at school was a Beatles concert, my dad had setup.
- We had guinea pigs until a day where I forgot to bring them back inside and they went missing.
- My cat once brought in a dead mouse, and kindly left it in my shoe for me to explore in the morning.
- I bullied my sister into letting me take the cuter kitten, only to find my kitten hated humans.
- My middle school teacher once started a rant about how "you probably all think I'm a terrible teacher". I said yes under my breathe and was sent out immediately.
- We had a Latin teacher who told us to go speak with his elevator, Elma when we did something wrong. Additionally he frequently sent his students to "Siberia", which in actuality was just a cold part of the corridor outside the class room.
- I once went to a school of disabled kids and read them books with my friends.
- I once skipped a GCSE exam to edit my band's auditions.
- I once cried at the breakfast table in front of my parents because the comedown was so bad.
- For a few hours I was a professional DJ.
- I once kept a tech support scammer on the line for a total of three hours during my GCSE exam week.
- I'm able to hold my breathe for a total of 3 minutes.
- I don't have a favourite colour
- I have always and will continue to take the explosion papers out of the Christmas crackers before anyone can get to the table.
- I had a brief period where I would only use words that an 8 can be added onto, such as m8, r8, gr8, f8. One of my Christmas presents was titled "get rekt m8", this bring back many cringe-worthy memories.
- I once electrocuted my room's door handle using a piece of foil, a wire and a shock pen from Chessington world of adventures.
- I wasn't socially aware up until a few years ago.
- I remember one Christmas my parents bought me a tooth brush which came along with a space man video game on a disc. I thought it was the best thing in the world.
- I predicted trump would be the president a few months before he was announced. I shortly did the same with Brexxit.
- My auntie voted out of the EU, because she just "wanted to see if she could do it".
- A silhouette of me peeing was once seen by my family who were waiting in the car. When I came back they were all laughing at me.
- I once excitedly asked my parents if I could unlock the door whilst on holiday only to have the key break in half in the lock. sad!
- On the first day of university I broke down crying in front of my new pal outside on the balcony about how shit I thought university was going to be.
- My mum accidentally mentioned Adolf Hitler at a Jewish get together, and everyone fell silent.
- I started my second school without any friends and finished it without any friends.
- I once had a psychotic dream that the cleaners at my uni were planning on killing me outside my room.
- When I was younger, I wrote a story ending with the line "and it was all a dream", the teacher was not impressed
- When my dad was at uni he played a prank on his flatmates in which himself and his friends use
- My dad used to have an Afro.
- When I was younger I was sat in my friends car with his mum. For some reason she then decided to tell my friend that
- I did 99% of my homework in the 5 minute change between two classes
- I once made a joke ripping on a weighty dude saying "don't give it to him he'll eat them all" about a bag of Christmas sweets.
- I had a phone but no sim card for the majority of my life time.
- One time I woke up to a hangover and ended up buying 20+ paintball tickets to boost my mood.
- My dad was constantly labelled as officially cooler than me at my middle school
- My mum begged me to watch The Matrix, after viewing she said it wasn't very good.
- There was a teacher at my last school who taught German and hated me to much he told a whole other class my grade in an attempt to inspire them.
- We once stole our neighbours blow up snow man and left them a ransom note, the kids were not happy!
- I've never had a girl/boyfriend
- We hid a hidden camcorder between the two fridges at my uni because someone kept stealing food.
- I almost once drowned at sea, fortunately my new french friend carried me back to the sure.
- I have a Sound-cloud track with 25,000 plays.
- Once my dad belayed me up a climbing wall and on my descent I decided to jump off the wall, he went flying into the air as I'm heavier than him
- During my primary school days, I invited a girl called Georgia over to play on the Wii with me. I ended up leaving her to play club penguin with my friends, she spent the rest of the time playing Wii Sports with my mother.
- My favourite show growing up was fairly odd parents.
- Growing up I used to own a Tamagotchi and a PDA (which was very recent at the time)
- A teacher at my school once asked if we could go to a red light district on a school trip.
- I used to own a very poor quality Facebook group
- A few days ago I had a dream that I was being sucked out of my body into the after life.
- I've played at two weddings, these being my music teachers and my aunties.
- I was once in my towns local news paper for playing the piano at Ronnie Scotts, despite my performance being terrible.
- I was once the only participant in a school trip, it was plastered with long awkward pauses
- I'd give people climbing lessons and tell them what "rank" they were.
- My child hood memories are all off playing crocodile clips on windows 98
- I knew about Apple wireless ear buds a few months before it was released as I was doing work experience at Artemis, a investment funds manager.
- My teacher constantly called me a hypocrite and when I asked what she meant she said look it up.
- I got a reply from 3kliksphilip on one of my videos
- I once caught a guy stealing usernames and passwords using a phishing site, and he got taken into custody. I was invited to a Code breaking event but turned it down.
- I once setup the school theatre to play Super Mario bros 3 on the big screen.
- I was once described as "shady, but in a wholesome way"
- I once went off peace while skiing and ending up skidding down a hill into a tree.
- I once annoyed my mother so much that she started throwing the beef jerky she had bought for me all around the train platform.
- My sister was once hosting a party and a single tomato dropped on the ground. My mum came into the room, saw this and was very upset.
- Once I ate watermelon and came up with a rash, my parents couldn't believe this and made me eat watermelon the next day, I had another allergic reaction
- I used to play Minecraft with Steven Moffat's son.
- My friend's uncle is a famous scientist, I once met him at a family friends get together.
- When younger my parents asked me to count up to 10, I counted the numbers by pointing at my fingers, my parents asked me if I could count any higher and I counted with my fingers again, but this time putting my hands above my head.
- I once brought a random guy who I thought was my flatmate's boyfriend to my flatmate and connected their hands. They were both very confused, I later explained this story to her and she found it hilarious.
- My dad was once stopped whilst belaying me on a climbing wall by this really over-eccentric, dramatic guy, who rushed in like he was a super hero and took over, he was very happy with himself that someone had made a mistake.

300+ somewhat wholesome facts about my childhood, and what followed. AMA

- I once had a tennis ball roll to me on the school court yard. I panicked and completely missed the ball with my foot, from that day I've had an irrational fear of tennis balls.
- There was this one time, that I attempted to subliminally message my uncle into giving up smoking.
- I once visited my friends house for the first time in secondary school, this friend of mine was telling me about his theory, that if two intelligent people play tic tac toe, it will always be a draw. I then of course in typical Jake fashion lost the game.
- My mum once called the police and told them I had been kidnapped after forgetting to check further down the street.
- My family and I have "meme Sundays" where I show them the memes of the week.
- The first time I ate pistachios my parents forgot to tell me that you need to REMOVE THE SHELLS. I THOUGHT PISTACHIOS WERE JUST A TAD CRUNCHY.
- I used to refuse going anywhere without my healies, as a result I ended up wearing them to church on multiple occasions.
- My family must have thought I was a very weird child, as until and till the age of 14, both my family and extended family bought me packs of batteries.
- My friend was once told to sing in music class, his face went extremely purple as he started to cry, effectively dubbing him the beetroot guy for the rest of the school duration.
- My dad has become known as "the half job nelson" after starting projects such as decorating the bathroom and then leaving them half way refurbished. It once took us 3 years to decorate one small downstairs toilet.
- i have an uncle who tells random titbits, regardless of who's (or if anyone) is listening.
- I was at uni for a year before having a drug induced psychosis and being diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
- I've played piano since a young age and have got to grade 6
- My dad worked at my school when I was growing up
- I passed out in a computing class once.
- One lunch time I convinced my classmates that I had a game on my calculator, but in actual fact just used a bunch of maths symbols.
- There was a school tour guide at our school opening who actively told parents that the school was rubbish.
- I've been using anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and sleep medicines for the past 6 months.
- I used to hack Minecraft servers
- I used to make flash games for my friends at school
- My sister used to have an imaginary alter persona known as Blee, who was given his own mii character.
- I have the most loving family anyone could ask for (you can't change my mind)
- I'm the house's tech guy as I have a degree in rebooting router.
- I've made many projects, one in which I tried to recreate J.A.R.V.I.S, to a very poor standard.
- My parents bought me a pet snake for Christmas, I've was promised one for good GCSE results, but never took them up on the offer.
- I have two floors to my room, albeit small rooms.
- We used to own golden crested newts which are now an endangered species.
- I've tried to commit suicide many times by many different methods. it appears to be one things I'm REALLY bad at.
- I wrote a piece on Neural Networks for my public speaking.
- I've recently realised that I'm bisexual.
- I coded my auntie a website for her art company.
- I used to get so high on weed that I couldn't even talk
- As it turns out, this auntie once ate a weed browny in Peru
- Whilst on holiday my sister got an infection and came up with bumps and bruises. I told her that we would have to cleve her behind, she started crying.
- I'm allergic to cake and water melon (despite it being made of water??)
- I have a loving supportive family, and they bought me a book on the substance DMT for Christmas.
- I am very spoilt
- The house we bought our kittens from a real life crazy cat lady who's house was infested with kittens, the whole place stunk of cat dung. The friend I had brought to this woman's house then gave the crazy cat lady a hug,
- I made racist internet friends who I would verbally abuse me daily whilst we were playing video games.
- I was paranoid for a month straight after being shown the Truman show by my parents.
- one holiday i was holding a shit in so long that when I eventually needed to go, I did a poo so big it wouldn't flush.
- whenever my sister needed the toilets I would make water fall noises and talk about water.
- People used to mistake me for a girl when I was a baby.
- I once skipped lectures for a whole month and replaced it with smoking weed and ordering Chinese cuisine.
- I was asked to edit a clip in high school for a short film called "what if apple never existed"
- I used to teach piano to people
- My attention span only lasts give or take about 0.015 seconds.
- My physics teacher revealed to us that he had recently watched Minecraft trolling videos.
- I've been skiing, my favourite sport is badminton.
- I don't remember my first kiss as I was black out drunk. I was told that it was a light peck, followed up with me being sick on the rug.
- Myself and my sister always wanted a baby brother growing up.
- I have the weird ability to accurately estimate when my food is done without checking the timer.
- I made a google home device for my a2 coursework before it was released.
- My dad used to race stock cars when he was younger.
- My university is 7 hours away from my house.
- I'm studying Computer Science but want to change to Sociology or Psychology
- I know the majority of information regarding drug safety.
- I used to play club penguin
- I once got bullied at a festival for having tatty shoes
- I made a bet with a friend for his phone that I couldn't catch a bunny rabbit
- I was bullied at high school by a boy named Tyler.
- I was moved out of my first school because I wasn't developing fast enough
- I've recently made friends with a super chill, transgender lad
- I tried MDMA and ended up chasing ducks around the university campus
- I once tested to see if the tooth fairy came without telling my parents in order to see if there would still be money.
- My mum came from Sri Lanka and my dad from Guyana
- My 8th year classmates once turned the clock 2 hours early, leading us to be let out of the lesson, after the teacher realised her mistake she sprinted back down the corridor saying "come back!"
- I learnt Russian (to an extent) to communicate with other people in the game CS:GO
- I made a flappy bird clone for my university coursework.
- My dad's birthday is on April the first.
- My first console was the PSP Phat, and my favourite game was Gript Shift. My parents decided me to surprise me with the console just as we were taking off to another country.
- I used to play a mystery game called Spy fox, my mum completed the majority of the games for me, as I couldn't read yet.
- We kept a cattle prod taser in my room for when friends came to my dorm room. We played a game called shock for shock.
- I've played the piano at Disney world Paris to 3 people. I've also played underneath the Eiffel tower.
- My favourite cuisine is sushi
- I once got led to believe that I scored a point in rugby, but as it turns out I was running completely off the pitch. I ended up going head first into a bush.
- I used to be friends with someone at the end of my garden.
- I've built my own PC when I was 14 (it's not that difficult).
- Once as a skinny kid I sat on the swing and the ropes just broke as I fell to the floor.
- My dad would tell us that our brains would rot after we watched sponge bob square pants for 8 straight hours.
- When I first got into gaming, my mum told me that it makes you less sociable, she wasn't wrong.
- I once kept leaning back on my chair during class and annoying a kid behind me. When he finally had enough he pulled my chair back and the table fell flat on my head making a dull thudding noise. The smallest trickle of blood came running from my head. When I got to A&E my head was bandaged up with a massive
- I once started singing and doing an extremely strange dance to myself in the mirror. To my shock and horror I saw a younger school kid just staring me in the face.
- My mum allegedly cried when watching Bambi for the first time.
- My dad bought my mum a SNES as a birthday gift, it has been her favourite present for many years.
- I once unknowingly put my hands into a wasp's nest while walking along a pier, the wasps were not happy.
- I once went against my flatmate in a shot for shot, and as my flatmates had been on my Facebook account earlier announcing it, my mum saw the post and started to get worried.
- I once asked my dad how they made objects out of air, after seeing a glass worker make an ornament.
- One month I helped out at a local charity.
- I'm a reverse closet nerd
- I once drank orange juice and then was forced to brush my teeth by my parents.
- I once had my taxi stolen by my flatmate who was posing as me. When I tried to knock on the cab's window he looked at me as if I was drunk.
- I once ran a botched computing club
- Myself my dad and my sister had a game called Fire wo wo woh, burning wo wo woh, in which you attempt to get a rubber ball in the fire place.
- I spent an unholy amount of time playing the game "Professor Layton" on my mum's DS.
- I shit with no clothes on, always have and always will.
- People started asking my dad for a hair cut after seeing the botched job he did on mine.
- I used to go upstairs to a studio room at lunch times and listening to tunes with friends
- I built an app for my team when entering the Cisco red button challenge of 2013.
- We used to own a pet cat who started meowing at my parents whenever I was crying
- My first word was light
- I'm simultaneously somewhat smart and a complete moron, something something quantum physics something
- I used to be an alter server at my church
- I'm black
- When I was younger myself, my sister and my friend decided to build a bridge out of sticks. Each day a guy came back riding over it his bike, we attempted to put acorns on the track to "burst" his tires. On the third attempt I got really upset and chased him back to his camp ground where here went to hide in his tent. I told his mother about what he had been doing and made him apologise to us.
- I've been on two long boating holidays
- I was once diagnosed with Arrhythmia of the heart, I convinced myself over the following week that I'd need a pace maker.
- My biology teacher once gave his pet fish medicine.
- I nearly got into a fight outside a chip shop for repeatedly poking a guy whilst drunk, until my friend stepped in and politely asked him to go away.
- I once participated in big fun, it was an event in which myself and my friends went to a children's creche play area on adults night and wandered around like we were children.
- I made a new friend and went to his house, I had uncontrollable farts all night.
- A young family friend of ours asked my dead if he "slipped on a banana", after he had an accident whilst playing badminton.
- I entered the mii plaza and was delivered a nazi hitler wii character.
- I once persuaded my teacher that our german exchange students were Spanish. He then said hola to the german exchange students.
- I cried on my first day at middle-school for getting a century.
- Apparently I told the younger kids at my primary school my words of wisdom, which were if you get to the playground first you get the tricycles.
- I had my tonsils removed after getting tonsillitis.
- When I was younger I slowed down the Alvin and the chipmunk songs to listen to them in the original singers voice.
- When I was younger the show, "the shiny show" seemed to give me a migrane every time it was aired.
- For most of the social gatherings at middle school, I avoided them by saying I just made plans at the last minute.
- My english tutor hated JK Rowling because he allegedly insulted his wife.
- I started following the Yogscast at the time when they were still making Shadow of Israphel
- I made a somewhat strange compilation of scenes 10 years ago in which I had a Dalek and a Cyberman form a romantic bond.
- My favourite and first episode of Doctor Who was Madame De Pompa dour
- I attempted to create a full size replica of K9, but stopped after cutting the wooden base to size.
- I played a messenger in our school production of Shakespeare, in which I mumbled my lines and ran off stage like I was about to cry.
- My music teacher always let me sit at the grand piano, making me even more hated than I already was.
- Even maths mechanics lesson I use to blurt out random answers and got them wrong 80% of the time
- I used to share black eyed peas songs with my friends back when I was using a Nokia phone.
- I once participated in a competition in which we had to create the best protection for keeping an egg safe when chucked out a third floor window.
- I have 2 cats despite being highly allergic to them.
- For every school mufti day bar one, I wore school uniform to school.
- I once had my teacher do some dodgy work with my braces as they were causing me to bleed.
- I once had 4 teeth removed, my mother came in but was immediately squeamish, I found this funny and watched her leave again.
- I once climbed onto the roof of the campus building opposite my balcony.
- I first watched Rick and Morty when I was Ill and thought it was the best thing ever. I've come recently to hate the tv show purely due to it's fan base.
- I once got really mad people were pushing me in the changing room elbowed the air, hitting my friend Charlie in the face.
- I choose my particular university because I realised there would be drugs, as it was a port to sea.
- I cried during the ending scene of Short circuit, when the robot was running out of power.
- When I was younger my dad came into my room to me passed out on my bed looking up pictures of Emma Watson.
- My cousins introduced me to the I GOT GREEN BEANS POTATOES TOMATOES soundtrack.
- I once had a restaurant visit in which I made a face using two wine corks for chubby cheeks
- I once told my family I would meet them at the restaurant, as I had just started a CSGO match. My mum was not impressed when
- I once started selling selling the sunflower seeds with my friend for a amazingly priced £0. Our new business venture was put to a stop after one kid got an allergic reaction as a result of eating sun flower seeds HE KNEW HE WAS ALLERGIC TO.
- I once created a 4 way chess board, invited four people to play, and didn't tell them the rules.
- Most nights of my childhood myself and my dad would sit up in the attic playing Super Mario Bros 3, each time we'd lose our progress because we switched the Nintendo machine off.
- I found out Santa clause wasn't real when my mum was telling our family friend about how cheap she got my present. I later revealed this information to my sister, ruining her childhood as well as mine.
- I once built a portable hacking machine that performed a man in the middle attack
- Myself and my friend invented a country called Alyamania complete with a dictionary and own national anthem.
- I have a dog, 2 cats and a snake, although they don't seem to get on very well.
- I used to watch little cook big cook with my mum and we would make meals together.
- I used to keep two separate diaries, one for centuries and one for merit, as a result I was never put in a detention.
- I am planning on building a vivarium for my snake with two watch out towers connected by a bridge.
- I created a meme yesterday that got 5.0k views.
- I once had a asthma attack whilst running as a replacement, followed by the next day I slammed my hand in a door and my dad locked the car before. The nurses asked my dad if we were seeing any social workers.
- I once got knocked over my Borris Johnson
- I tried research chemicals and couldn't walk for 2 weeks.
- My dad has driven over my toes with his car because "i was being slow".
- I once stopped a guy from falling down an elevator.
- I participated in NCS
- I got Alcohol poisoning the first night I went out drinking and woke up to my two parents either side of me. I needed holding still by my dad so I could go for a pee. The ride home felt like a rollercoaster from hell.
- My parents met each other at Mc Donald's
- I once attempted to fix a go kart's missing axel with sellotape.
- My sister and I created a non-functional Rollar Coaster ride in which we put up a bunch of strings and attached a cardboard box.
- I had severe depression and suicidal thoughts at university. My friends would knock on my door every day and come into my room and sit down.
- Every time my dad left the room, I'm load up Minecraft instead of studying for my GCSE exams.
- I once went scuba diving in an indoor swimming pool.
- I hid in my sisters room more than 20 times in order to jump out at her.
- I attempted DOFE but was left behind by my group, and told them to "go on without me". I later sheepishly dobbed my team in for leaving me in the middle of no where.
- I once won an iPod nano in a raffle after explicitly telling my parents I didn't want to go.
- I used to create PayPal accounts when I was younger and created a new account each time my current account was maxed out.
- Whilst waiting for the meals to come in a restaurant, I'd often play square/dots with my mother.
- I changed my mind on the course I'm studying and switched from Computer Science to Psychology (not confirmed).
- In primary school a gender haired kid called Louis asked me if i knew why we had ball sacks, then promptly told me it was to keep your dick up as you pee.
- When I had nightmares I'd go and sleep in my parents room.
- I had an irrational fear of the dark
- I once stopped talking to a girl for a whole summer holiday because she was distracting me from playing CSGO.
- In my first Minecraft world I built a castle with some friends. The stairs kept catching on fire, my friend told me that happens sometimes. Years later he came forward telling me that HE was the one setting the stairs on fire.
- I have over 2000 hours in the game CSGO.
- I was a prefect at my middle school but took into school a badge that said "perfect" from hawking bazar, and got demoted of my prefect badge.
- I once did a whole project on golden crested newts found in my garden, my project got an A.
- During our short film "What if apple never existed", we recruited the theatre lighting guy who set us all up with explosives. The explosive was understandably extremely underwhelming.
- I once had to call an ambulance for my nanny after she started having a fit.
- We once had a house abroad that was infected by 1000s of ants, we could see them marching under the door.
- My sister was born 3 months early.
- I have never been to a funeral.
- I participated in the cult, the beavers for a short while.
- My parents taught me to gamble at a mere age of 14.
- The best burrito I had I bought in kingston which contained chips.
- I have a lot of ideas but never do anything with them.
- I once found a small snake in a car park, and after being told to let it go by my parents I secretly gave it a kiss.
- We found a bird with a broken wing, we attempted to make it a sling before it's unfortunate death. We wrote the bird a tomb stone with chalk.
- A long time ago I used to have a friend called SkyLordWolfMan, my parents would constantly make fun of the fact I was saying that name for a whole summer.
- I've played piano at both my aunties and music teacher's house
- When I put my hand up in class when my dad was a teacher my dad would always pretend he couldn't see my hand.
- I stayed at school almost every day for my whole high school experience as my dad had to finish off some "late work". It's strange but his work must have involved beer because I could always smell it.
- I once went up to a teacher called Mrs. Jelly, and said "are you feeling wobbly today", fortunately she didn't hear.
- I was once hit in the balls after trying to help with a coconut game.
- I once took a orange cartoon full of vodka into the uni library in order to prepare myself for a presentation. As it turns out I was 1/2 an hour late for the presentation and it had already finished.
- I childishly made mock flamethrowers using a deodorant can and a lighter on multiple occasions at university.
- My first band was Clean Bandit, the clean bandit before they went mainstream.
- When I was younger my parents took myself and my friend to a concert, we both awkwardly stood there without moving for 5 hours, the woman on my left kept nudging me with her elbow, which really hurt.
- My grandad used to be a grand master chess player until his recent departure about a decade ago. I never actually met him, so found it hard to cry with my mother when she was mourning him.
- I used to read Captain Underpants and Alex Skyrider as a kid.
- I once came home with two odd shoes, we spotted it on our way to a restaurant, and the people behind us started laughing.
- On one Geography field trip instead of doing my coursework, I found a bug that allowed me to message all the other workstations on the network. People found it VERY annoying.
- I was once auctioned off to the school for charity.
- I once participated in a band performance where I couldn't feel my fingers.
- When I was younger I had a business venture in which I decided I would rent out a whole
- I had this brief period in my teenage years where I was addicted to making puns.
- My cousin once fell in the pond as she mistook the sea weed for grass.
- I used to run a web show with my sister and her friend where we made a shot for shot budget rip-off of I-Carly
- I once made myself sick as a kid to get out of doing an exam
- I'm a recovering 9gagaholic, this one I'm really ashamed of.
- I once left my phone recording my food whilst telling my flatmates not to steal any. I came back to a video of my flatmate sheepishly deciding over which piece of chicken to take whilst my other flatmate stood still
- One halloween I dressed up as the Cliche Slender man.
- I once had a full blown panic attack whilst in an interview at Maplins, needless to say it didn't go too well. As it turns out this shop has just gone out of business, it's a shame because visiting was my favourite place to go other than Mc Donald.
- I used to have a paper round, but instead of walking, my dad drove me around each street like the lazy fucker I am.
- The first time I played Minecraft I was sent into the nether by my classmates, following this, they broke the portal leaving me stranded in the hell world. I ended up not playing the game again for about a year later.
- I've been to Bletchley park 7 times.
- I've had upwards of 8 quad copters but broke each one.
- My last quadcopter's death was as a result of me demonstrating to my friend how you would lose control of it.
- I used to have this really cool robot that could do back flips. My dad took it into work to show everyone and broke it. When we went back to the shop instead of getting the same toy, they told us that the toy had been discontinued and we would only get a cash refund (resulting in me getting no Christmas present for that year)
- When asked to draw a picture of myself in primary school I added my sister into the drawing
- My earliest memory is driving around the french alps listening to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by the Beatles.
- My dad once introduced my mum to a pyramid scheme.
- At the end of a night of clubbing, a lad helped me take my friend back to the flat, then lectured both of us 3 hours on joining his pyramid scheme.
- A girl in my university dorm got upset with me for writing her name on the birthday list. She scribbled her name out and later that day someone else came along and wrote it back on the wall.
- I once fell off a tree and hit my head, could not move for 5 minutes. Felt different ever since.
- My piano teacher gave up on me because I wouldn't listen to anything she was saying.
- I used to ran a Minecraft server in which I'd get donations for in-game ranks.
- I once came up with a plan to infect the internet's VPS servers with viruses.
- When I was younger, my PC was remotely accessed by a hacker, during a session of Minecraft. After sending me attempts to
- I enrolled in a french class and managed to learn a staggering 5 words in french, including bonjour.
- My flatmate once nearly burnt the house down cooking bacon.
- My mum brings coffee up to my room in the morning.
- I wake up to my dog licking my face every other day.
- My mum once came in a snow ball rolling down the hill
- I used to think using XD was the trendiest thing in the world.
- My family and I used to play Wii Party almost every night
- I made a game for the people at my school in which you had to avoid teachers and get to a checkpoint.
- I dream of going sky diving and visiting India in the future.
- For a short period I thought I had autism
- For a short period I wore glasses because I purposely blurred my eyes, I wanted to see what it was like.
- I've got almost perfect 20/20 vision
- When I was younger I had a whole month of depressive mood after coming to the conclusion that someday, my parents will die. Going through Existential nihilism is tough when you're a 10 year old kid.
- My favourite movie is Ex Machina.
- When I was younger I got offered a job at Maplins, only to have my application denied half a decade later.
- I once made a quiz about my home country, Guyana for my class.
- Our project in middle school was to create a wooden frame and do a puppet show for the lower school kids. I spoke to my partner and she said I could keep it in 2 years, she never got back to me.
- I used to host a spy club named SpyG with some close family friends and sister. SpyG was short for "Spy Grownups" as we'd both plant recording devices to listen to what they were saying and taught "potions" classes, which consisted of mixing a bunch of household cleaning products. Inspiring!
- I once stopped someone in a corridor and started singing "stop stop, being so hard on your self" in an incredibly camp and dramatic sounding way.
- My first music event at school was a Beatles concert, my dad had setup.
- We had guinea pigs until a day where I forgot to bring them back inside and they went missing.
- My cat once brought in a dead mouse, and kindly left it in my shoe for me to explore in the morning.
- I bullied my sister into letting me take the cuter kitten, only to find my kitten hated humans.
- My middle school teacher once started a rant about how "you probably all think I'm a terrible teacher". I said yes under my breathe and was sent out immediately.
- We had a latin teacher who told us to go speak with his elevator, Elma when we did something wrong. Additionally he frequently sent his students to "Siberia", which in actuality was just a cold part of the corridor outside the class room.
- I once skipped a GCSE exam to edit my band's auditions.
- I once cried at the breakfast table in front of my parents because the comedown was so bad.
- For a few hours I was a professional DJ.
- I once kept a tech support scammer on the line for a total of three hours during my GCSE exam week.
- I'm able to hold my breathe for a total of 3 minutes.
- I don't have a favourite colour
- I have always and will continue to take the explosion papers out of the Christmas crackers before anyone can get to the table.
- I had a brief period where I would only use words that an 8 can be added onto, such as m8, r8, gr8, f8. One of my Christmas presents was titled "get rekt m8", this bring back many cringe-worthy memories.
- I once electrocuted my room's door handle using a piece of foil, a wire and a shock pen from Chessington world of adventures.
- I wasn't socially aware up until a few years ago.
- I remember one Christmas my parents bought me a tooth brush which came along with a space man video game on a disc. I thought it was the best thing in the world.
- I predicted trump would be the president a few months before he was announced. I shortly did the same with Brexxit.
- My auntie voted out of the EU, because she just "wanted to see if she could do it".
- A silhouette of me peeing was once seen by my family who were waiting in the car. When I came back they were all laughing at me.
- I once excitedly asked my parents if I could unlock the door whilst on holiday only to have the key break in half in the lock. sad!
- On the first day of university I broke down crying in front of my new pal outside on the balcony about how shit I thought university was going to be.
- My mum accidentally mentioned Adolf hitler at a jewish get together, and everyone fell silent.
- I started my second school without any friends and finished it without any friends.
- I once had a psychotic dream that the cleaners at my uni were planning on killing me outside my room.
- When I was younger, I wrote a story ending with the line "and it was all a dream", the teacher was not impressed
- When my dad was at uni he played a prank on his flatmates in which himself and his friends use
- My dad used to have an afro.
- When I was younger I was sat in my friends car with his mum. For some reason she then decided to tell my friend that
- I did 99% of my homework in the 5 minute change between two classes
- I once made a joke ripping on a weighty dude saying "don't give it to him he'll eat them all" about a bag of Christmas sweets.
- I had a phone but no sim card for the majority of my life time.
- One time I woke up to a hangover and ended up buying 20+ paintball tickets to boost my mood.
- My dad was constantly labelled as officially cooler than me at my middle school
- My mum begged me to watch The Matrix, after viewing she said it wasn't very good.
- There was a teacher at my last school who taught German and hated me to much he told a whole other class my grade in an attempt to inspire them.
- We once stole our neighbours blow up snow man and left them a ransom note, the kids were not happy!
- I've never had a girl/boyfriend
- We hid a hidden camcorder between the two fridges at my uni because someone kept stealing food.
- I almost once drowned at sea, fortunately my new french friend carried me back to the sure.
- I have a Soundcloud track with 25,000 plays
- During my primary school days, I invited a girl callled Georgia over to play on the Wii with me. I ended up leaving her to play club penguin with my friends, she spent the rest of the time playing Wii Sports with my mother.
- My favourite show growing up was fairly odd parents.
- Growing up I used to own a Tamagotchi and a PDA (which was very recent at the time)
- I can't have been older than 10 when one day, I decided I would show my uncle a subliminal video in an attempt to subliminally message him into quitting cigarettes. He still smokes cigarettes to this day.
- A teacher at my school once asked if we could go to a red light district on a school trip.
- I used to own a very poor quality Facebook group
- A few days ago I had a dream that I was being sucked out of my body into the after life.
- I was once in my towns local news paper for playing the piano at Ronnie Scotts, despite my performance being terrible.
- I was once the only participant in a school trip, it was plastered with long awkward pauses
- I'd give people climbing lessons and tell them what "rank" they were.
- My child hood memories are all off playing crocodile clips on windows 98
- I knew about Apple wireless ear buds a few months before it was released as I was doing work experience at Artemis, a investment funds manager.
- My teacher constantly called me a hypocrite and when I asked what she meant she said look it up.
- I got a reply from 3kliksphilip on one of my videos
- I once caught a guy stealing usernames and passwords using a phishing site, and he got taken into custody. I was invited to a Code breaking event but turned it down.
- I once setup the school theatre to play Super Mario bros 3 on the big screen.
- I was once described as "shady, but in a wholesome way"

I Was Kissed by Something Worse than Death pt3

Pt. 2 Reddit
This submission was originally taken down for formatting issues, my apologies.
Do you know the truth about yourself? Are you sure you aren’t adopted? Is your Dad really your Dad?
Shit makes you wonder doesn’t it? How about if you actually find out that EVERYTHING you thought you knew about yourself was a lie? Your age, name, birthday, your family members. The whole nine. Well, that’s what happened to me in the time that I have been locked away. It’s been over a month now, and the “clarity” that I have now; I could’ve gone the rest of my life without.
On the evening of second day, I felt impeccable as I waited for dawn of the third to arrive. The care staff removed all of the attachments from me, albeit reluctantly. They had no justification to continue though. I was capable and entirely able to do without them all. I agreed to wear the monitors to save face, but I knew that in just a few more hours, I was going to walk out of there. Ija knew it too. The hybrid before me, loomed as it had before. Angry as ever, calculating, plotting, and growing stronger itself with each passing moment. It could comprehend, that much I gathered, and although it certainly couldn’t talk back, Ija humored me with nods to certain questions.
“Did you push me over the banister?” Yes “Why?” Glaring “Did someone promise you my soul?” No “Is Lisa lying?” Glaring
I was starting to get angry, but then I realized, why would a demon tell me the truth? Then again, why would it lie? I didn’t know what to believe, I just knew that Lisa was the only person who actually had knowledge, and I wasn’t about to forfeit that opportunity on behalf of a demon that admitted to pushing me over a second story balcony. Ignoring how the beast’s vibrant coloring was beginning to show through the sickly grey, I fought for sleep.
I was met with a lucid dream. A depiction of a time that couldn’t have been possible. I was in an oasis amongst a sandy place. Playing in a wade pool near a river’s mouth. This childlike rendition of me looked much like the few photos that I have of myself. Brown curls bouncing wildly atop my head, a distended belly that could only belong to a happily fed toddler. A booming voice beckoned me to abandon my play. A man, massive to my tiny frame, boasted over me with a seriousness. Whatever he said was muffled out of my dream, but tiny me nodded me head with wide eyes. I reached up for the man, but he maintained his posture with his hands behind his back. A lanky woman crept from the shadows behind him. She was odd looking, yet beautiful. Her thin frame mounted on firm legs. Her face was mysterious; eyebrows fixed in an upward surprised look. Cradled in her impossibly long arms, a bundle of white cloth. It was lumpy, but unmoving. She spoke, and I could hear her.
I am taking you to a nice place now! Would you like that?
Her voice was smooth like silk, and her breath was sweet and flowery masking a horrid undertone; something like decay. Tiny me searched the man’s face for clarity, he was stone-faced. My small body shook with fear. Eyes watering and wringing my hands, I shook my head, ‘No.’
No? But you’ve been such a good boy! You deserve to see paradise!
She extended one of her hands to me, and in doing so the bundle unraveled some. A very small foot peeked through. It was pale, blue-ish even. She realized her mistake and carefully concealed the appendage. She chuckled slightly.
Come, sweeeeet boy, it’s time to go. The hiss left her thin lips.
Her hand latched onto my plump, little arm. I was pleading with the man to help me, he did nothing. She turned and dragged me flailing behind her. Upon our exit, the man’s voice echoed,
Ija
She halted as if to offer a last moment of opportunity to the man.
Please, don’t make him suffer.
She chuckled and proceeded to leave.
I was awakened from that nightmarish dream by the sounds of the fire alarm bells blaring throughout the hospital. Even the demon was in agony to the powerful sounds. Chaos was ensuing outside of my door. Without knowing whether or not fire was an imminent danger, I did what anybody would do. I go up, the speed of which drained the blood from my face, and I dizzied a bit. After I got my bearings, I retrieved my belongings from the small drawer. After I dressed myself and slipped on my shoes, I turned to leave, but Ija had assumed a fighting stance in front of my only feasible exit. The beast huffed, flinging mucous from its nostril slits. That feeling of despair crept over me.
The bottle!!! I hadn’t planned on using it, but I knew that it was probably my last shot. I scrambled backwards, and grasped the vial. The anger left Ija’s face. Pleading took place as it shook its head vigorously. It apparently still couldn’t touch me with just one baseball sized grey spot still visible on its chest. In a last minute attempt at freedom, I downed the contents and rushed for the door. Ija moved out of my way just a moment too slow, and in brushing past, it was the beast who was scorched by my touch. I left Ija in the room wailing along with the alarm.
In plainclothes amongst the panic stricken staff, I was able to covertly duck away into the stairwell. People were rushing about trying to get down to the lobby. I nearly tripped dozens of times on my descent from the 5th floor. I finally made it, and exited the lobby doors in an orderly fashion as I was instructed by emergency personnel. The sun never felt so good. I must’ve gotten a good amount of sleep, because it was clearly almost midday. I basked in the sunlight and let the warmth envelope me. Fresh air is something I’ve taken for granted for too many times.
I quickly realized that I couldn’t linger in the parking lot, hospital personnel would surely try to take me back in. I started to walk towards the street when I spotted a bus stop on the sidewalk up ahead. When I reached the small hutch, I turned to sit on the bench. Lisa sat on the opposite side looking visibly annoyed.
You almost let her take you!
“Who?”
Ija you fool! You slept for hours, and she was almost able to touch you again. If she could have...God, you idiot! You would be dead by now!
I stared at her in disbelief, how did she know I was asleep? Ija was a lady demon? Questions were flooding my brain sooner than I could formulate any to say.
We have to go, she glanced back towards the panic stricken hospital.
“What did you do, Lisa? How did you know I’d come here? Where are we going?!” I demanded.
We don’t have time for this, I will explain later. Come on we have to go!
I remained steadfast. I wasn’t feeling up to going on any adventures with a lady who might have set a hospital on fire.
“Tell me what you did first, or I’m not going anywhere with you.” I said seething.
Anger was taking control of me, and whatever concoction she had given me was making me feel impossibly strong. She turned towards me with tears threatening to spill from her kind eyes. In a hushed yet stern tone she exclaimed,
I did what I had to. What I always HAVE to do. Let’s. Go. Now.
Before I could protest, a glistening white limousine pulled up next to the bus stop, and the rear window rolled down. A man with dark shades leaned out and said,
Get in the car. We don’t have much time left. He pointed towards the hospital.
I turned to see that, in spite of all of the calamity going on out front, Ija was making its…her way towards us at an alarming speed.
I didn’t get the chance to protest or even look back at the car before I was being pulled inside by a pair of large, strong hands. When the door shut, the driver peeled off.
I adjusted off of the floor and into a seat. Lisa instructed me to buckle up, and at the speed we were going, I didn’t argue. The man who apparently pulled me in wore a lovely tailored suit. It was a champagne color with a blood colored tie. He was very muscular underneath it. He had a complexion similar to mine yet darker, as if he spent a considerable amount of time in the sun. A rich guy I bet, the kind who vacations in Ibiza. His eyes were concealed by his shades, but his thick hair was tame and combed. As I studied him, he studied me. It was tense, and no one said a word until I heard Lisa sniffle next to me. She had been lightly crying and I hadn’t noticed. The anger I felt towards her deflated, and I asked her what was wrong. She brushed me off. I understood that she needed a moment. I went back to studying the man. His face was strong and chiseled. He flexed his jaw as though he was holding something back. That’s when I saw them. The likenesses.
“Take off your glasses.” I said it coldly, and it commanded attention from both parties.
He flared his nostrils as though he were insulted by my demand. He did so anyway, and I knew it. I had been set up. The man from the dream, and the man before me may not have been the same person but the fucking likenesses were uncanny. I had been through so damn much that I couldn’t rationalize that I had seen him in my dream, and separate that from what was before me right now. I lashed out yelling, making accusations. I was beyond reasoning, and the person I was most upset with was myself.
I demanded that they stop the car. Surprisingly, the man told the driver to do just that. I went to reach for the door, but a painful sting sent and icy wave through my neck.
FUCK!
I’m sorry, brother. He said as my consciousness faded.
I don’t know when, but I woke up in a small room about the size of a prison cell, but much nicer than what you see on TV. A large manila envelope was on the chair near the bed I was on. I sat up still feeling groggy from whatever sedative those fuckers used on me. It all came rushing back to me; this nightmare just wouldn’t end. I sighed heavily as I reached for the package. I tore into its contents like a madman. Pictures of me. The little boy from my dream and the photos I have of myself, those aged the same as my first dream featuring Ija, and on throughout the rest of my life. I skimmed through them quickly advancing to the papers. There were several official-looking documents including a birth certificate, and adoption record, and three death certificates. They are all marked as Classified.
The birth certificate was from Egypt. A male infant born to a Mr. Charles E. Jones III and a Mrs. Alisade D. Mohammed Jones. DOB 05-25-1990. Name: Zhaer S. Jones
Death Cert. 1 Charles E. Jones III. Death Date: 12-09-2001. Cause of Death: Asphyxiation
Death Cert. 2 Alisade D. Mohammed Jones. Death Date: 07-12-1993. Cause of Death: Hemorrhaging
Death Cert. 3 Charles E. Jones IV. Death Date: 07-12-1993. Cause of Death: Stillborn
Adoption Record: Zaer S. Jones to the Bennet family of: redacted, United States of America. Age. 3. No known family. Child was left on the steps of the US Embassy in France 12-09-1994. Appears to understand English. No health issues. Was discovered with minor bruising. Says his name is: “Mack.” Redacted Bennet of the US Embassy expresses and interest in fostering said child. APPROVED. 09-21-1994. Redacted Bennet has been granted permission to adopt the child and return to the United States with him. 01-10-1995.
A handwritten note was left in the package as well,
“Mack, you have to remember what happened to you. Ija is real, your dream was a memory, you have to remember on your own or we can’t help you. I’m sorry that it has had to be this way, but it’s for your own good. You’re safe here. -Lisa”
It’s been over a month and I still don’t know what to do. I haven’t had any more dreams, no one answers me when I ask for help or general questions. Lisa and the burly man haven’t stopped by. It’s always a teenage girl who drops off my food and water. She doesn’t sympathize with me at all. No one is coming to my rescue. I found my phone between the mattress and the wall today, I don’t remember it being there before, but I may not have looked to be honest. I need help. Please help me. I don’t know where I am. I can’t make any calls or texts those features have all been disabled somehow. I can only get on Reddit. I’m going crazy in here. Someone tell me how to remember, how to escape. Just something. I want to rush my head into the wall and get it over with at this point.
What did I do to deserve this?

Cleverbot decided to flirt with me

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What's the most profitable way for you to stake on horse racing?

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In Running Trading Tool. Dobbing, Back to Lay and In ...

Captain Not-Hawthorne and The Case of the Lawdamn Anthrocillin (My colorfully explained solution to The Long Tomorrow)

Cuck Political Report - August '19 Federals

THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOST INSIGHTFUL MOST PAINFULLY COMPREHENSIVE PRESS POST OF THE ELECTION CYCLE IS BACK

National Overview

By District

House Prediction Maps

Trish’s background is as confusing as her dad

TL;DR Araki is really bad at date and chronology that only headcanon can save us.

I spent new years eve creating a somewhat narcissistic, yet comprehensive list of my life experiences

300+ somewhat wholesome facts about my childhood, and what followed. AMA

I Was Kissed by Something Worse than Death pt3

Cleverbot decided to flirt with me

What's the most profitable way for you to stake on horse racing?

In Running Trading Tool. Dobbing, Back to Lay and In ...

Captain Not-Hawthorne and The Case of the Lawdamn Anthrocillin (My colorfully explained solution to *The Long Tomorrow*)

Cuck Political Report - August '19 Federals

THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOST INSIGHTFUL MOST PAINFULLY COMPREHENSIVE PRESS POST OF THE ELECTION CYCLE IS BACK

National Overview

By District

House Prediction Maps

Trish’s background is as confusing as her dad

TL;DR Araki is really bad at date and chronology that only headcanon can save us.

I spent new years eve creating a somewhat narcissistic, yet comprehensive list of my life experiences

300+ somewhat wholesome facts about my childhood, and what followed. AMA

I Was Kissed by Something Worse than Death pt3

Cleverbot decided to flirt with me

What's the most profitable way for you to stake on horse racing?

Captain Not-Hawthorne and The Case of the Lawdamn Anthrocillin (My colorfully explained solution to The Long Tomorrow)