A slow descent into madness: an exhaustive recap of the tell all leak
Supposedly the leaked video (clocking in at 10+ hours) was the second day filming.
I watched the entire thing. This is a rambling list of the thoughts going through my mind while watching, and a fairly comprehensive timeline / summary of events, or at least the juiciest parts. I believe it becomes fairly obvious when my mental state started to decline - I was well into the 5th hour by then.
Part 1: David
The show begins an hour into the video.
A lot of time was spent on David. Asking David the same questions, hoping he’d get a clue. Instead he doubled down on his delusion.
David started in this endeavor by going on two trips with a friend over 20 years ago. He states he did not like it - 25 guys meeting 400 women in a big bar. He said it was horrible - he called the women aggressive and professional daters. He went on another trip with 10 guys meeting maybe 40 women in different cities. He describes receiving catalogs of women and selecting specific ones to meet on the trip. A friend he met on one of these trips introduced him to a web site in 2007.
Lana does not work for the web site or get paid. According to David, the web sites are US sites, they contract through the agency that vets the “girls”. He insists Lana derives no income from the web site or agency. It’s illegal for him to contact her directly? He pays in order to not be scammed.
He has known Lana for 7 years. She was too young at the start - he won’t “date” anyone under 25. He wasn’t talking to Lana for 2.5 years. He’s “dated” 30 girls in Ukraine when he wasn’t talking to Lana. He’s been to Ukraine 20 times. He’s been engaged twice to women over there (and twice in America.)
David says Lana is very poor. Has very few clothes and possessions. She only has five pairs of shoes and gets a new pair of sneakers every 3 years or so. She doesn’t speak English. He bought her an iPhone to talk directly but she doesn’t like the keyboard because of her long fingernails. She can’t talk directly to him on the computer because the agency owns the laptop and monitors activity.
He’s spent $250,000 to $300,000 on “dating” on these sites. He claims he’s a millionaire so the money is no object.
Friends of David appear, say their piece, then disappear.
Cesar appears. David had talked to Maria years ago. Said she was high maintenance.
Yolanda and Usman join in. Usman has poor connection. Usman leaves.
A wild Tom appears. Tom compliments Yolanda’s weight loss. Says he’s not hitting on her, just complimenting her.
Tom doesn’t watch much of the show. Says David is his “fast forward couple”.
Cesar says he visited Maria. Maria wasn’t happy he showed up. But she met him, they took photos, she asked to see his phone and he realized later she deleted the photos. They spent 10 days together, he got a couple of pecks on the cheek and lips? But no intimacy. Specified no tongue. Maria was “pissed off” that he showed up, refused to meet Cesar if the cameras were there. Wanted him to buy her a $500 pair of shoes and $300 dinner.
Tom asks if he packed the chocolate panties. Cesar said he took the beaded candy ones.
Yolanda said Cesar DMd her and left his phone number. Cesar says Yolanda is beautiful and that he “loves chocolate” with a Pervy laugh. But he says he was just reaching out as friends. Shaun asks Cesar if he DMs Tom. Tom confirms that he did, and that the alumni reach out to each other.
Shaun asks Yolanda if she would date Cesar, she replies with an emphatic no.
David went back to Ukraine and met Lana. They kissed, no other intimacy. He proposed, she accepted (they show clips.) Lana is still on the dating sites. David is still on the dating sites because Lana is. Lana is still on the site because that’s where her only friends are, David basically describes her as a shut in with no friends.
At one point later in the show he drops the bombshell “love has nothing to do with it.”
Ed appears. He’s holding Teddy (against the dog’s will) on his lap. Ed shouts into his mic. He yells repeatedly about David being scammed for the better part of 18 minutes.
David gets excitable. Yells about this being bullshit. Yells at Tom that Darcey was still talking to other guys.
The current status of the relationship? David thinks they’re not together. He hasn’t communicated with Lana in 6 days. But their engagement hasn’t been broken. So they’re engaged but no longer together?
Lana refuses to participate because she’s getting hate mail from guys who have seen the show accusing her of being a scammer.
Stephanie appears.
Stephanie says she thinks it’s disgusting that Lana is being discussed like she’s a commodity. Points out that their relationship is transactional. David and Ed are screaming at each other over her. Stephanie Commends David for not worrying about spending $100,000 while Ed freaked out about spending $2.
A clip of David proposing to Lana with a prop fake ring shows. David says the jeweler advises not buying a real diamond because he didn’t know her ring size. Says she wants to choose her own ring.
Return to Ed and David arguing.
Usman appears.
David is getting heated.
Bottom Line: David’s retiring to move to Ukraine, but started the K1 process.
Shaun wraps the segment with David still arguing at the 3-hour mark. Shaun leaves (possibly to drink heavily - I would be if I was her.) I forgot to note that at some point Tom made a remark to Ed about him not being able to see his toes. It was a joke, but went completely missed by everyone else.
David, Ed, Stephanie and Usman chit chat. Usman sings a bit.
Part 2: Yolanda
We resume at 3:30 with Yolanda.
Yolanda had the flu at the beginning of December. She was in a coma for a month and was on a ventilator for 3 weeks. Her kidneys and liver were failing. Her doctor now believes she had Covid-19.
She did not hear from Williams during that time. She heard from him just a couple of months ago. She didn’t tell him about her coma, he was talking about his aunt dying so it “didn’t come up.”
He didn’t reach out directly, he went through “sweetberry” (?) on Instagram to ask if he could contact her again.
Yolanda’s daughter and a PI the daughter hired join in. PI says the accounts have ties to Nigerian scammers.
Usman joins. He knows nothing about Nigerian scammers, doubts they’re Nigerian.
Usman leaves. Darcey joins. She’s wearing a platinum blonde wig, primping a bit, trying to center herself on the bed she’s sitting on. She’s nodding along to absolutely nothing, shaking her head and smiling periodically like she’s involved in a totally different conversation than we are seeing.
Daughter and PI leave. Shaun asks Darcey what she thinks about Yolanda and Williams. Darcey goes into a spiel about being a target and people on IG preying on her. Starts talking about Jesse and Tom. Says she spent a lot of money on Jesse, says she helped Tom financially and bought him clothes and gifts. Goes into a tangent of non-specific items, won’t provide a direct answer on how much she spent but finally claims she spent $2000 on Tom.
Erika appears.
Shaun tries to get back on the topic of Yolanda and Willams. Shaun asks Erika about her opinion on The Williams mystery IG account and the blackmail.
Darcey uses that opportunity to talk about being targeted by a “network of people” that was calculated by “people in different countries to target certain people around the world.”
“Maybe Nigeria was a part of it, Maybe England was a part of it”. After Tom, Darcey says she met someone who targeted her, says it was a couple she knew and Tom was a part of it, says IP addresses traced to Nottingham and there’s a network of people targeting women around the world.
Darcey claims her second time in Amsterdam she was robbed while shopping after Jesse told her to leave her passport if she was going out shopping. Later says pickpocketed. Implies that the robbery was a setup by Jesse.
Shaun tries to redirect the subject back to Yolanda and Williams.
Lisa appears.
Lisa jumps right in with her expertise about Yahoo Boys, G-Men and grooming people. Darcey drops off and Usman reappears.
Lisa’s gravelly voice takes on a fake Nigerian accent as they yell “baby love” at each other.
Lisa goes on about her social media expertise. Explains the three different cultures of Nigeria. She tells Yolanda to join the Facebook Group SSA: Scamming Scammers Action that Lisa is a big part of.
They convince Yolanda to try to call Williams on speakerphone. No answer.
Lisa is also an expert in African and Nigerian accents FYI.
Erika leaves. David reappears.
Lisa dominates the conversation. Keeps recounting conversations and events of hackings and stuff.
Lisa starts talking about Blood Rituals. Sacrifices. Money rituals. Voodoo dolls. Kidnappings. Killing people to bring luck in scamming people. They believe in black magic and juju. Lisa and Usman keep interrupting each other. Usman has never heard of this. Lisa insists this is real. Go to SSA on Facebook, all the proof is there.
Yolanda, David and Shaun are stunned silent.
Usman is trying to fact check Lisa’s completely far-fetched theories. Lisa purses her beak.
Finally, Shaun redirects.
Yolanda says she’s done. If she hears from Williams again she’s done.
Yolanda is getting DMs all the time offering to FaceTime her. David tells her to go get her Groove back in Jamaica. Yolanda and David both get DMs encouraging them to hook up since they’re both in Vegas.
We are 5 hours 10 minutes in. Let’s see a clip! We see Lana before she met David. She’s at the gym. She’s walking around Kiev in a silver puffer jacket and Nikes. She using her iPhone (with her short nails) to take pictures. She’s shopping for makeup. She’s sipping a latte in a cafe while typing on her laptop. She’s talking to a friend on her iPhone. She talks about America. She knows that you can get married quickly in Las Vegas. She tells her friend she has an exciting day tomorrow “I’m meeting an American.” Her friend asks if he’s wealthy.
Shaun points out the inconsistencies in Lana’s apparent poverty and David’s understanding of her circumstances. David says “that’s not real”.
We spent the next 10 minutes or so with Yolanda, Usman, Lisa and Shaun trying to talk some sense into David. It doesn’t work.
Shaun leaves for a break.
Ash appears. We spend the next while discussing quarantine. Ash hadn’t heard about Yolanda being sick, his eyes get wide when he hears her coma tale.
They’re talking about lockdowns and restrictions and being able to go where you want. David thinks they’re talking about Ash being able to visit the US on his Australian passport.
Lisa’s ex-husband just got out of prison.
David lives in a rental house that’s being sold in a month.
Yolanda asks if people read their tweets.
Lisa has a stalker with 25 accounts. Lisa now has her phone number and address. She’s going to have her arrested and “put charges against her”.
David gets death threats.
Back to Yolanda and the Covid.
David leaves.
Tom returns. He asks how many bottles of lube Lisa and Usman used raw dogging it. She said none - I’m guessing she just peed on him a la Dinyell.
More R-rated banter. Lisa tells Tom to ask about Usman refusing to join the mile high club.
Ash looks stunned into silence. Maybe a bit frightened. He’s retreated to his nothing box.
Usman tries to explain about the 70%, that it’s a B and a compliment. Tom asks why she paid twice the going rate for a goat.
Lots of goat talk. Peeing goat talk. Showering the goat. Walking in sandals through mud and goat shit.
Tom makes a crack about not being the only cast members showering with animals. Ash asks about Ed showering with Rosemarie’s father? Then his feed goes out.
Lisa starts talking about gross food. Tom are goat brain in Albania. Lisa starts everything with “Usman, tell them about the time...” then just talks over him to tell the story herself.
Stephanie appears.
Ed appears.
Usman leaves. Lisa tells them about the armed convoy everywhere they went. Ed wants to know about the goat. More goat tales.
7 hour 10 minute mark.
Part 3: Lisa and Usman
Shaun is back with Lisa and Usman. We lose Usman.
Lisa had surgery.
She hurt her baby toe before going to Nigeria. Ruptured a blood vessel. It swelled up in Africa. Returned to the US with a dead/dying toe. Got infected, went gangrenous, was amputated.
Usman returns.
The next segment is insufferable.
Usman says Lisa calls him a N***** frequently. Lisa screams about opening a can of worms.
Usman asks if American women are all like this.
Lisa and Usman are married but keep blocking each other.
Lisa is Usman’s first serious relationship.
Lisa freaks out about women on Usman’s comments and in his DMs.
Says she’s seen the other girls Usman dated, they’re “3 times my size”.
They fight about Trish Playtas.
Lisa talks over Usman. Yells, curses, threatens.
Enter Giant and Aba (?) after 25 minutes of toxic bullshit.
Lisa talks about getting “gangbanged”. (I think she means ganged up on, but she’s so cringe who can tell.)
Lisa has a screaming match. Hangs up because she was “mistreated and disrespected”.
Enter Lisa’s friend Nikki.
Nikki screams about disrespect for the next forever. Lisa returns.
There’s endless raspy screeching about bitches, clowns, motherfuckers and more disrespect. Fuck you. Fuck outta here.
Shaun loses all control.
Aba and Nikki scream at each other some more.
Shaun gives up. She is writing something just below the screen. I suspect it’s her resignation letter.
Finally Shaun redirects the conversation. She brings up the polygamy.
If Lisa has an egg and can tote it, Usman doesn’t want another wife. If Lisa can’t squat and hatch Usman’s offspring, he will take another wife.
Cue Lisa’s expertise on polygamy.
Clip Roll: the night before the wedding, Lisa storms off and disrespects Usman’s brothers the night before the wedding.
Lisa cackles.
Avery and Ed appear.
Usman and Lisa keep arguing.
Shaun asks Avery’s perception. Avery asks “where is the love?” All she sees is them screaming over each other and assert themselves.
Before Lisa can respond Ed jumps in.
Lisa calls the kettle black and says Avery and Ed aren’t portrayed well.
Ed started to watch the show after he decided to be on it.
Ed compliments Usman for being calm and respectful and not using any foul words.
Lisa Cackles. Ed calls her a bull in a china shop “no disrespect”. Says he thought she was the definition of a narcissist, but says she’s actually the definition of delusional.
Lisa interrupts. Usman starts singing. Lisa and Ed scream over each other. Lisa tells Avery to shut up, says she went on Ed’s live drunk and making an ass of herself. Ed keeps screaming “delusional”. Lisa calls Avery a drunk. Avery tells Usman “not all American women are like that”, Lisa rebounds with “that’s why Ash dumped your ass.” Ed tells Usman there are many more nicer women.
Ed: she treated you like a piece of shit. She treated you like a slave.
Lisa: you are a piece of shit!
Ed: you made America Sick!
Lisa: Ed Fuck You! Fuck You!
Lisa: you abused Rose to go on this show because no fucking other woman would! You fucking used her (x 5). Shut the fuck up.
More screaming over each other.
Usman begs Ed to calm down.
Lisa: you’re going to let this fucking pervert who’s got charges for sexual harassment... you’re going to let this idiot come at me with the fucking charges he’s got? This fucking pervert has been grooming women. The women are coming out of the woodwork saying Ed has molested them, he’s groomed them, and god only knows what the fuck else he did to them.
More screaming.
Ed: the internet is fake!
Lisa: Harry (producer) remove these two right now!
Lisa calls them Thing 1 and Thing 2 and demands Harry remove them.
Ed gets cut.
Lisa continues to scream at Avery about glass houses.
Tom appears.
Usman is yelling now.
Shaun tries to gain control.
Tom: I was nervous delivering that letter to Darcey but coming in to this conversation is wild!
Shaun brings up the polygamy subject again.
Lisa might move to Nigeria for The Other Way.
Shaun disappears.
Avery drops.
Lisa says “Tom, this is all for show. It’s a dog and horse, pony show I call it.”
Tom blows smoke up her ass. His idea of love is apparently jealousy, anger and disrespect. He says it’s obvious they love each other because apparently only people truly in love can be that hateful and vicious and angry to each other.
Shaun is back. Darcey appears. Usman is singing. Darcey is swaying to Soja Boy, slurring, “do it big! Lisa, Be the queen!”
Darcey’s been in the sauce.
Usman tells Lisa to cover her bra.
More second wife talk.
Tom asks a question about what kind of second wife Usman would have. Darcey says something. Shaun asks Lisa a question. Usman freaks out and screams “Tom asked me a question, let me answer the question”. This leads to Lisa screaming at Shaun about disrespecting Usman, screams at the producer “you better tell this hostess to shut her mouth” shut up! Shut up!”
Usman keeps yelling. Shaun trying to calm everyone.
Lisa: Barb! Barb! Barb! Do you hear me? It’s time to cut her now! Barb! Cut her now! Barb! Cut the fucking thing, cut it now! She’s disrespecting Usman! Fucking stop it! Stop it barb! Fuck off!
Darcey looks like a confused bobble head.
Lisa hangs up.
Usman and Darcey talk about Trish Playtas.
Darcey: things are don’t differently in America, I’ve been in the entertainment industry way before Tom, way before Jesse.
Usman starts to explain going live with Trish.
Lisa returns.
Part 4: Wrap Ups and “where does your relationship stand?”
Shaun turns to Darcey and Tom, asks where the future of their relationship is. Lisa and Usman respond loudly, not letting them talk.
Finally, Lisa and Usman are gone.
Tom: friends maybe blah blah blah great mom, good person, wish you the best.
Darcey: my journey, my daughters, my brother who passed blah blah blah don’t want toxic negativity
Ash and Avery return: same question
Ash is worried about his hair being cut off on the screen.
Ash started the journey with the intent to propose. Says he loves her. Breaking up was the hardest thing. Future is going to be looking after his family.
Ash answers the question in a concise, straight forward manner.
Just kidding. He uses a lot of words to absolutely avoid answering anything.
Avery says this is a hard question to ask someone who just separated. She trails off. I think... I don’t... I wanted... honestly...
Erika and Stephanie return: where do you stand?
Not even friends. Can they ever be friends?
Stephanie says best case is friends from afar.
Erika says they’ve been friends and fought many many times. She came in today wanting to speak and wasn’t able to do that, but doesn’t hold any hate. It’s going to be hard to see any of this in a positive light.
Erika didn’t get a change to express that she took a big step coming out to her parents then Stephanie dumped her the next morning.
Stephanie came out to her mom too apparently, but it wasn’t like Erika’s coming out (receptive and kind).
Pick up lines:
Asking what they’ve been doing during the quarantine, will air at the beginning of the show.
(Erika makes earrings!)
Shaun has to rephrase the question to Stephanie to ask specifically about... HER ILLNESS!
Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Yolanda wrap up: no more online dating. She’s going to meet men at the market or the casino. Old school.
Ed wrap up: who cares.
Ok. I guess we do.
Shaun asks about the shower. I just can’t listen to him anymore. Then she asks about the first night they were intimate. I’m going to barf.
Ed takes full responsibility for “not the things I did, but the way I did them”. Rose is mad at him right now. She wanted to reconcile February 9.
Ed is taking a break from dating (sorry ladies!) but Rose taught him to love again and “she didn’t destroy me like my first marriage did.”
His mom is moving in with him. But she’s a nurse so hasn’t moved in yet. Ed’s mom is a nurse caring for a young child with a tracheostomy.
Ed sucks, but a round of applause for Mother Ed is deserved.
David wrap up:
David is going to retire earlier than planned because of the recession resulting from the quarantine.
Shaun asks about the first kiss.
David says something about bowling. He bowls 4 strikes with Lana.
The girls in Ukraine love bowling but don’t get to do that. So he takes them. He bets kisses for every strike he bowls.
Lana is upset over the publicity from the show. Gets physically ill in front of the camera.
If she won’t come to the US or dumps him, he will live part time in the Ukraine - 3 months at a time - to continue dating women there.
It’s over. Thank God.

Is everyone properly positioned in a fortress of toilet paper and hand sanitizer for nearly 90 minutes of hollow romance? Fuck yeah, quarantine!
As always, I’ll neglect to comment on 90DF’s hazmat-demanding human plague, other than to note that nipple tattoos are a sign of full-body asshole infection. It’s also my latest entry in the Douchepedia, right between ‘Naming Your Comb Because That’s Normal’ and ‘Not a Reason to Be Jealous, But I Planned This’.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Surface Hell, Nigeria, Lisa wakes up next to her ‘destiny’ after a long night of penis gobbling. She smashes her face into Usman’s, while he insists he wants to sleep until this isn’t a nightmare. But Lisa has jet lag, so he’s going to have to rise and start getting used to his world revolving around her. The afterglow couldn’t be dimmer.
Lisa summons her inner Laura, and says that sex is different in Nigeria, and she was shocked to discover an unexpected resistance to going truffle hunting in her 19-hour jeans-baked travel clam. Usman described the encounter as “70% good of what I expected, and that’s enough.” This gives her a low C for people who haven’t been in school for awhile, and 30% of Usman definitely needs to talk to someone.
While pawing through the drugstore she packed in her suitcase, Lisa unearths condoms for slut people, and they chuckle over the possibility of using them, because the best way to ward of STIs is to openly mock them. Lisa then asks how his first bareback ride went, and Usman’s face suggests he’s been to many, many rodeos, and Lisa was just his first old town road.
The doomed duo then ventures out to meet the yahoo boys for breakfast, and they mention Usman’s mom doesn’t like white folks, and thinks Lisa’s trying to make Usman her slave, because she is. Lisa is baffled to learn that Africans are distrustful of white folks; I mean, things got weird like 400 years ago, and since then Obama was elected and Miley Cyrus twerked without an ass, so isn’t there equality now? Lisa should be able to convince his mom of her pure intentions by either bullying or gloating, which are her only two routes of operation, and if those don’t work, she’ll remind us he’s a celebrity.
When Lisa insists they’ll be married with or without approval, Usman’s yahoo boys look at him in yahoo horror, and Usman walks it back to a decision that will arrive with a spontaneous fit of wisdom, that will just coincidentally be whatever his mom suggests. Nice. I’m using this. Usman confesses to the producers that he lied about being indifferent to his mom’s approval, or maybe wasn’t banking on it until he was feeling D+ devoted. Lisa flounces away, because she still hasn’t noticed she’s in a different country with different cultural norms, and that her yahoo boy is not flouncing after her. This is very on-brand for someone baffled that their likeness wasn’t projected onto the moon for Usman’s video shoot.
Back at the hotel Lisa is packing her hodgepodge suitcase of brown shoes and mullet dresses to travel to Usman’s modest apartment. As they get in the car his phone vibrates away, while Lisa furiously pets her teddy bear gift in hopes of rubbing it to life so she can stuff it with dynamite and send it on a suicide mission to destroy Usman’s female fans. “He has too many followers,” she tells the bear, newly named InstaGrammie. “His career will be a lot more successful if no one is listening to his music. I know things, InstaGrammie. I know.”
Finally they arrive at Usman’s Yahoo Hut of two rooms and a bucket shower, which is luxury to Nigerian bachelors and anyone working in San Francisco. Lisa is shocked to discover those 22K instagram followers didn’t heart-button a mansion into existence, and this is not what she expects from a celebrity trolling online communities for a middle-aged woman. “Thank God we’re staying at a hotel,” Lisa declares, since she’s used to living the high life of body waxing, sugary drinks, and last gasp suitcases. Meanwhile, Usman expresses his discomfort to his friends, and says that she’s even more controlling in person, and doesn’t seem likely to respect his career, which greatly decreases the likelihood of him convincing his mom she’s not looking for a slave.
If we’re going to go Paul, I don’t want Paul Lite, I want Paul 151, because he’s the only one who can be calmer than you are at the reunion after running into the jungle in flip flops with hair in his pocket and a producer hot on his trail. Instead, we’ve got Big Ed, aka Little Paul, prepping for the romantic interrogation of his dearly beloved. He asks for two beds in the hotel room so their genitals can be separated by space, time, logic, and a fortress of condoms and contraceptive foam. Sadly, this has nothing to do with respect; it’s about plans to humiliate her with an on-camera STI test, because he “wants to know he can trust her,” and chlamydia is a sign of betrayal, I guess. If I hadn’t had sex in 28 years, my concern would be whether I was capable of rocking out with my cock out now that the energy and libido of being 22 are but a distant memory, but Ed probably sees sex like a White Snake video, where he’s the car and Rose is the writhing redhead, who remains enthusiastic despite the fact that the engine isn’t even on.
Anyway, Rose mentions that she doesn’t speak English that well, but Ed keeps talking to her, and there’s only so many times she can smile and tilt her head, and wonder if he’s ever going to ask her any questions about herself that don’t sound like accusations. Spoiler alert: he’s not. Ed gives her a San Diego T-shirt to sleep in, and feels bad that she didn’t bring pajamas, and never thinks for a second that this is because she wasn’t anticipating staying at a hotel. Again: that requires asking questions.
Ed brushes his teeth, and opts to prolong his last mayo application by not showering. Apparently me, Jasmin, and Avery are the only people who want to break open a fire hydrant or walk through a human car wash after getting off the sky bullet of stank. Rose tells the producers she’s going to pretend to be asleep so Big Ed can fuck right off, and when he says “goodnight my queen” she responds with: “This is a snore.” Aced it.
The next day Ed wakes up and makes gerbil noises on Rose’s neck, before ordering room service and listening to Rose’s complaints that the room is too cold. I’m on Ed’s side here. Rose is wrong. Then Rose and Ed’s anxiety get into a taxi and head to a market, where Ed declares his intention to take her shopping, but not before he asks if she’s excited he’s in the “Phil-A-PEEEEENS!” This is officially a realistic first date.
At the market he spots some pajamas, and announces his presence to shop-owners with the official 90DF greeting: “Does anyone here speak English?” Rose takes it upon herself to pull the appropriate bills from Ed’s open wallet, likely in response to him saying, “I don’t even know how much that is.” Instead of seeing this as a speedy response to articulated confusion in an environment where a gaping wallet is a bad idea, he takes offense. After a few more purchases and a thoroughly soaked sweaty shirt, Ed whines that he’s hot and needs to be back in air conditioning.
“Have you considered an ice pack vest,” Paul interjects. “And yes, I have an entire basement full of TP in preparation for coronavirus. I’m not going to tell you how many weapons I have, because that could make me a target. In fact, this isn’t Paul. This camouflage means you can’t see me. What’s that over there?” (Running sound.)
Meanwhile, Avery has deplaned and is ready to meet single-ladies trafficker Ash, and she’s nervous about being a stinky hag for their intro. Lucky for her, I can smell the sandalwood on Ash through the tv screen, so between that and her aura of honeycomb and stardust they should be fine. They happily greet each other and declare their initial physical interaction “natural” (not gonna lie, it made me smile).
They head to their AirBnB, and in the car Ash reports that her hands are so “nurturing” which prompts a giggle from Avery, before she retorts that his hands are soft, and he says it’s because all he does it wack it and dunk it in the ocean. She laughs at this, but Ash presents no indication that he’s joking unless the punchline is his pants. Is this what she means by Ash knowing the right things to say? Because he’s at the front of my Douchepedia, under ‘Cult Leader for Vagina’.
Ash shares an apartment with his brother, but said brother doesn’t want Avery to stay there, because she might trip over Ash’s other girlfriends. This makes Avery reasonably suspicious, so she says the bed large enough for her to starfish is hers, and Ash can shove those two twin beds together and fuck the slot in between, until their spirits agree with their genitals. I’m really starting to like Avery. Ash is disappointed in this, but recovers immediately, because as a relationship coach he knows that women are all the same, and will fuck him eventually.
The long box he snagged from his favorite florist to have beers with contains long-stemmed black roses, which she loves because they remind her of how dead inside 90DF viewers are (so?), and he chases this with a fond token commemorating that time she ghosted him. Apparently he posted his-and-her ‘Avery Loves Ash’ bracelets on THE GRAM, and Avery thought that was so cringe that she grabbed Lisa’s InstaGrammie bear and screamed into its stomach. I’d have a similar reaction, but my concept of romance is my boyfriend rubbing a potato on my back to banish a lung disease, so yeah, I‘d better sit this one out. They talk about this, and how she wasn’t ready “accept his love,” but she’s seriously considering it now that she’s on a TV show.
Finally we meet MMmmMmmmmmMM David, the glorious human I’ve been eagerly anticipating since the first preview. David is on the brink of retiring after a successful tech career, and is RV shopping so he can travel the country with his kitty copilot, Mothra. He has to sell a lot of stuff to accommodate a nomadic existence, but intends to cling tightly to his collection of unicycles. Can this guy be my uncle? David, you’re my uncle now. Also, I’m setting you up with Yolanda, if I can recover her from Manchester, ASP.
The Ukrainian woman conning him is Lana, whom you might remember from the time she went by Maria, and they’ve been chatting online up to four hours a day for seven years. She’s stood him for every one of their in-person meetings, because like a lot of people on this show, emergencies and illnesses happen right before air travel. David explains that he’s had a Slavic-lady fetish since his prepubescent wanking to Boris and Natasha, and is okay with spending $100K talking to a fantasy online through an expensive translation site, because he doesn’t feel lonely, and that makes him think it’s a good investment. This might be the most honest answer in the history of this show.
He meets up with friends Dave and Victoria, who confirm David’s wealth by how they carry themselves and the way they express concern for his emotional well-being, but not his finances. Victoria is also Ukrainian, and met Dave on a dating site, but Victoria says that she paid for this herself, and that women over 25 still looking for a man in the Ukraine are hunting for suckers. David is not persuaded by this argument, and his bank account just doesn’t care, and I’m fully on board with David’s comfortable dismissal of logic and evidence.
The site and chat service he uses to communicate with Lana doesn’t allow video interaction unless he’s willing to surrender additional cash, at which point they’ll dust off Maria and have her smile and call him husband. He takes his laptop to a park to chat with her, and get the details of their upcoming meeting in Odessa. He asks how he’ll be able to identify her, and she says she’ll be wearing a blue dress, and hiding under her invisible train ticket. If David smells a rat he doesn’t much care, and is pleased when she sends him a devilish emoji, which he explains is code for THE SEX, a subject that often comes up when he wonders about train tickets. “And I responded MmmmMMmmMMM,” he narrates, and my favorite character since Jihoon has been Frankenstein’d to life.
Later he calls his friend Anya in Ukraine. He met her during his last round of perusing a Ukrainian wifey, and she was a little too shy for David, but they’ve remained good friends…and yet the reason he hasn’t met Lana is that she’s “too shy” for the airport? Okay then. Instead of seeing this as Cesar part 2, I’m going to craft a storyline where Anya is actually Lana, drawing David into a polyamory plot with her current husband. Instead, Anya think he’s naïve for thinking someone who refuses to meet with him after seven years is a solid romantic prospect, and our best bet is the potential for Anya to introduce him to a female friend in fleshy form.
In Yonkers, Stephanie arranges her dogs on her bed to call Erica and her lip injections. She confesses to Erica that she described her as a friend to her family, and Erica goes quiet but doesn’t question it. Erica reports Friday night plans to watch the football final, and Stephanie is jealous because she has no plans, except eating some cheese and watching a movie. This doesn’t inspire giggles or affirmation that this is a solid COVID-19 plan, and that bright light on the horizon is The Doom.
Later, Stephanie packs up, and shows her friend Heather the gifts she got Erica. Stephanie’s gift game is solid, and she reveals a pricey purse she scored that matches Erica’s style so well that I’ll refrain from predictable pumpkin spice commentary. Heather is concerned that Stephanie is all-in already, and Erica won’t be able to drop everything to accommodate Stephanie’s limited lifestyle. She suspects that Stephanie’s eagerness has to do with her mortality awareness, which is underscored by the pharmacy she’s cramming into a suitcase.
Once at the airport, Stephanie reveals that she’ll have to wear a mask to protect herself, and pulls out this sad, scratchy paper mask that she doesn’t really wear in the airport, or on the plane. I have questions, and want to send her a Vogmask as soon as they’re back in production so she can be on trend. Then she can look more like she got lost on the way to the rave, and less like a biohazard waiting to spill onto the runway.
Speaking of biohazards, Darcey, Stacey, and Raina all head to the spa, because that’s what the Kardashians would do. Darcey doesn’t know what the status of her relationship is, because Tom has expressed total indifference, but she hasn’t received any notarized paperwork in triplicate, so it’s all up in the air for Darcey. She calls Tom’s escort a “Darcey lookalike,” and oh honey, no. Instead of addressing the new hand-holster being paraded on THE GRAM directly, she lets all his messages go unanswered, because she needs that scene in New York to happen. Raina chimes in that this relationship is “fucking crazy” and something tells me she says that 30 times a day, and it usually has something to do with Darcey.
Next week Steph meets Erica, MayoMan asks for an STI test, a convicted felon pretends to not be collecting foreign-born spouses to beat, Yolanda wastes our time, Avery meets Ash’s strangely suspicious brother, who looks like a smoking hot villain, Lisa’s campaign of delusion reaches a music video apex, and David happily greets Anya at the airport (and we’re teased that this is Lana).
Thank you, generous Patreon supporters!

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Welcome to Lost in the Sauce, keeping you caught up on political and legal news that often gets buried in distractions and theater. (the previous edition can be found here if you are super behind).
House-keeping:

How to read: the headings will guide you through this piece. The Main Course covers the “big” stories and The Sides covers the “smaller” stories. IF YOU FOLLOW THE NEWS CLOSELY: you likely know about the stories in the Main Course section, so you will be best served by scrolling down to The Sides portion.
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Let’s dig in!

MAIN COURSE

Trump’s incompetence, authoritarian patterns continue with coronavirus response

In a standalone piece published yesterday, I go over Trump’s response to the coronavirus, how he made the spread inevitable, and the impact of Trump’s authoritarian impulses.

Nadler launches Barr investigation

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler sent Attorney General Bill Barr a letter last week requesting a slew of interviews and documents in preparation for Barr’s scheduled testimony at the end of March.
Most notably, Nadler requested interviews with the four career prosecutors who withdrew from Roger Stone’s case after Barr intervened to recommend a lower sentence (which Stone received): Aaron Zelinsky, Adam Jed, Michael Marando, and Jonathan Kravis. John Durham, who is leading Barr’s investigation of the origins of the Russia probe, is also on the list, as is Jessie Liu, who supervised not only Stone’s case, but also the attempted prosecution of Andrew McCabe.

“Although you serve at the president’s pleasure, you are also charged with the impartial administration of our laws. In turn, the House Judiciary Committee is charged with holding you to that responsibility.”

While it is likely that Barr won’t comply with many of these requests, Nadler may issue subpoenas directly to individuals of interest. As Democrats learned during the impeachment hearing, career officials are more likely to be forthright and honest about the Trump administration’s crimes and misdeeds.

Court rulings

McGahn’s testimony

A divided three-judge panel of the D.C. Appeals Court dismissed the House Judiciary Committee’s lawsuit against former White House Counsel Don McGahn, ruling that federal courts have no role to play in disputes between the Executive and Legislative branches. The two judges who ruled in favor of the Trump administration - Thomas Griffith and Karen Henderson - were appointed by George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush, respectively. The pair write that Congress should use other tools to try to compel McGahn’s testimony:

“Congress (or one of its chambers) may hold officers in contempt, withhold appropriations, refuse to confirm the President’s nominees, harness public opinion, delay or derail the President’s legislative agenda, or impeach recalcitrant officers.”

It should be mentioned that the majority does not mention the fact that during the impeachment trial Trump’s lawyers argued that Congress should pursue its subpoenas to executive branch witnesses in court.
Judge Judith Rogers, a Bill Clinton appointee, wrote a lengthy dissent that is worth reading in full (starting on the 58th page of this document)

“The court removes any incentive for the Executive Branch to engage in the negotiation process seeking accommodation, all but assures future Presidential stonewalling of Congress, and further impairs the House’s ability to perform its constitutional duties… Future presidents may direct wide-scale noncompliance with lawful congressional inquiries, secure in the knowledge that Congress can do little to enforce a subpoena dramatically undermining its ability to fulfill its constitutional obligations now and going forward.”

Unfair competition suit

Trump also racked up a win in an “Emoluments-adjacent” lawsuit last week: a three-judge panel of the D.C. Appeals Court united to dismiss a wine bar’s claim that President Trump's D.C. hotel is unfairly undermining the business of other venues in the city. Judge Thomas Griffith, a George W. Bush appointee, and Reagan appointee Judge Stephen Williams joined Judge Merrick Garland in the ruling.

Though it is undisputed that the wine bar has experienced a downturn since Trump took office — his gilded hotel now attracting lobbyists, advocacy groups and diplomats who used to frequent the local business — the appeals court said no evidence suggests that the president or his hotel interfered in Cork’s business.
The lawsuit “boiled down to an assertion that businesses with famous proprietors cannot compete fairly — a proposition alien to unfair-competition law,” Griffith wrote summarizing the 2017 dismissal of the case by U.S. District Judge Richard Leon.

Purge confirmed

As I explained in last Sunday’s post, Trump is seeking to purge any disloyal officials from his administration. Newly-returned staffer John McEntee is leading the search for “Never Trumpers” with the assistance of a network of conservative activists including Ginni Thomas, the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. On Monday, White House spokesman Hogan Gidley confirmed that the White House is identifying employees seen as disloyal to force out of their positions.

“It’s not a secret that we want people in positions that work with this president, not against him, and too often we have people in this government—I mean the federal government is massive, with millions of people—and there are a lot people out there taking action against this president and when we find them we will take appropriate action,” Gidley said.
“Time and time again we see in the media reports from people in the bowels of the federal government working against this president...The president's been pretty clear about the fact he wants people in this administration who want to forward his agenda. Donald Trump was the only one elected. He was the only one that the American people voted for. They didn't vote for someone at any of these other agencies, any of these other departments.” he said.

Unqualified loyalists

One of those purged from the administration, DNI Joseph Maguire, was fired for allowing his top aide to brief Congress on Russia’s intervention in the 2020 election to Trump’s benefit. Last week, Trump said he will nominate Republican Rep. John Ratcliffe to fill the position - again. Trump previously announced his intent to nominate Ratcliffe in July, but withdrew the nomination five days later after members of both parties questioned his qualifications.

Ratcliffe rewind: Following Trump’s announcement last year, “key Republicans in Congress quickly signaled that Ratcliffe lacked the national security expertise that the job requires by law.” Ratcliffe also lied to inflate his resume: “Records and interviews with former colleagues also showed that Ratcliffe had exaggerated his role in terrorism and immigration enforcement cases when he served as a federal prosecutor in Texas. During his campaign and on his congressional website, Ratcliffe had boasted that he ‘arrested 300 illegal immigrants on a single day.’ That turned out not to be true. Former colleagues also said he didn’t play a significant role in a major terrorism case as he has claimed.” (WaPo or non-paywalled)

The current acting-DNI, Ric Grenell, can only serve until March 11 unless a permanent replacement is formally submitted to the Senate for confirmation. The Federal Vacancies Reform Act allows Grenell to remain in position throughout the confirmation process and - should Ratcliffe fail - another 210 days after. If a second person is nominated, the clock “resets” again.

To add onto previous reports of how massively inappropriate Grenell’s appointment is, ProPublica revealed that the new spy chief once got over $100,000 from the Hungarian government, but never reported it. Failing to register as a foreign agent would normally be something the DOJ would jump at prosecuting. Senate Majority leader Chuck Schumer wrote a letter to the Justice Department last week asking the assistant attorney general for national security to "immediately investigate." Grenell also wrote op-eds in 2016 defending Vladimir Plahotniuc, a Moldovan politician, and allegedly failed to disclose payments for his work on behalf of the oligarch.
What is the play here? The White House may believe that Ratcliffe is likely to be confirmed because Grenell is so ill suited for the job that Ratcliffe looks better in comparison. Alternatively, Trump is likely comfortable with Grenell as acting-DNI. Knowing that he would never survive the confirmation process, Trump may be using the generous time limits of the Federal Vacancies Reform Act to circumvent the Senate to keep his unqualified loyalist in the position in an acting capacity.
Rep. Robin Kelly, a member of the Oversight National Security subcommittee, introduced legislation last week that would mandate unconfirmed national security leaders testify before oversight committees every 45 days. “...this Administration has consistently used the ‘acting’ denotation to skirt these rules and limit Congressional oversight of our national security...The American people deserve better. They deserve to know who is responsible for protecting their families and our security. Congress must hold these individuals and any Administration accountable to the highest level of oversight and transparency to protect our national security.”

The effect of Trump’s grip on intel

The NSA, CIA, and Pentagon have been urged by the White House not to share information about Russia and Ukraine with lawmakers, while the “Gang of Eight” senior members of Congress were bypassed leading up to at least one major intelligence operation. And intelligence community leaders have backed out of the public portion of the annual worldwide threats hearing, fearing Trump’s wrath if their assessments don’t align with his.
“We have an enemy of the United States that is conducting information warfare against us and our executive leadership doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want the Congress to hear it, and doesn’t want the people to hear it,” said former acting DNI David Gompert, who said he was “aghast” at the hiring of Grenell. “We now have a situation where the principal objective, evidently, of this acting DNI is to ensure that information about Russian interference and Russian preference for this particular president does not get out.” (Politico)

Ukrainian officials have noticed Trump’s purge and worry that efforts to force out individuals “would in the short term leave a hollowed out U.S. office in Kyiv and space for Russia to ratchet up its aggressive political influence operations.”

“Russia is getting more ambitious. They are already taking an aggressive position. Putin knows what he wants and he does not need to seek approval for his actions inside Russia let alone outside of Russia,” Danylyuk said. “There are not enough people in the administration—in the U.S. administration—to focus on Ukraine and Russia issues. A lot of people left. It will not be easy to find several counterparts.

THE SIDES

March is SCOTUS month

This month, several highly-charged issues will be heard by the Supreme Court, setting up potentially-massive changes to the legal framework of our country.
This week, Trump’s conservative appointees get their first chance to consider new curbs on abortion rights as the court examines the legality of a Louisiana law that could force two of the state’s three clinics that perform the procedure to shut down.

The case, June Medical Services v. Russo, pertains to a law passed in 2014 that requires doctors performing abortions to have admitting privileges to local hospitals. This requirement has proven to be unnecessary for clinics (an abortion rarely results in complications, and if one did, the patient would be admitted to a hospital regardless of the doctor’s privileges). And it’s so difficult to implement that when Texas passed a similar law, it shut down half the state’s clinics. (Buzzfeed News)
While it is overwhelmingly likely that five justices will vote to uphold Louisiana’s law, there is some uncertainty about how they will do so. It is possible that the Court will overrule Roe v. Wade outright. But it is at least as likely that the Court will leave Roe nominally in place while simultaneously watering down the abortion right to such a degree that it loses meaning in red states. The Court often prefers to create the impression that it will not allow the law to swing wildly according to the justices’ whims. (Vox)

Also this week, the court will hear arguments on whether Congress exceeded constitutional boundaries in 2010 when it created the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. The Trump administration believes the independent structure of the CFPB is unconstitutional and wants the president to have more control over the agency. For instance, Trump wants to be able to fire the director at will.

A court ruling on the President's removal power could affect a multitude of independent agencies including the Federal Trade Commission, Federal Energy Regulatory Commission and Federal Reserve Board. For more than a century, Congress has been creating such agencies within the executive branch with directors who can only be removed only "for cause." (CNN)

Finally, on March 31, the high court will hear arguments in three cases involving House Democrats’ and New York state prosecutors’ attempts to obtain years of Trump’s financial records and tax returns.
Last week, Trump called for Supreme Court Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg to recuse themselves from these three cases. Ginsberg criticized Trump’s character during his 2016 campaign, though she later apologized. Trump did not explain his reasoning for calling for Sotomayor’s recusal, other than her authoring of a dissent critical of the conservative justices on the court.

“Perhaps most troublingly, the Court’s recent behavior on stay applications has benefited one litigant over all others. This Court often permits executions — where the risk of irreparable harm is the loss of life — to proceed, justifying many of those decisions on purported failures ‘to raise any potentially meritorious claims in a timely manner,’” she wrote. “Yet the Court’s concerns over quick decisions wither when prodded by the Government in far less compelling circumstances.”
What she really is saying is that the same justices who have no problem allowing condemned prisoners to be killed before legitimate questions about their cases can be resolved have no compunction in rushing to prematurely protect the Trump administration, and the president’s personal interests, from legitimate legal processes. In other words, Sotomayor is calling her conservative colleagues hypocrites who are willing to bend precedent in the pursuit of ideological goals. (Brennan Center)

Ukraine emails

The latest batch of emails released by the Department of Defense in response to a FOIA suit reveals evidence that the administration withheld from Congress during the impeachment inquiry and trial. Senior members of the Trump administration, including Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Defense Secretary Mark Esper, and then–National Security Adviser John Bolton had all advised President Trump to release the military aid to Ukraine, but the final decision was ultimately up to Trump.

The August 26, 2019, email from a senior career Pentagon official states that there was “no ongoing interagency review process with respect to USAI [Ukraine Security Assistance Initiative],” and states clearly: “Final decision rests with POTUS.”

“Critically, the email appears to contradict the White House budget office’s stated rationale for withholding the aid,” American Oversight states. Administration officials had been instructed to tell Congress that the freeze of aid to Ukraine was necessary to allow for an “interagency process to determine the best use of such funds.” The August 26 email clearly states that no such process was in action.

“Tonight’s document release is a reminder that before they lined up parrot the president’s line on Ukraine aid, senior members of the president’s national security team unanimously disagreed with his decision to withhold aid from Ukraine,” said Austin Evers, executive director of American Oversight.

An earlier email release revealed that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo fully coordinated with Rudy Giuliani on Trump’s pressure campaign on Ukraine and the ouster of U.S. Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.
“We now know Mike Pompeo and his aides encouraged Rudy Giuliani to deliver his bogus 'dossier' smearing Ambassador Yovanovitch during a week in 2019 when Giuliani's henchmen were stalking the ambassador in Kyiv,” American Oversight executive director Austin Evers told Yahoo News.

The House continues Ukraine probe

The Foreign Affairs Committee is reportedly at odds with pro-Trump candidate Robert Hyde, who claimed to have former Ambassador Yovanovitch under surveillance. Chairman Eliot Engel, who is investigating the alleged surveillance and threats to the Ambassador, said in an email to Hyde last month that he was “dismayed to read yesterday that you have made statements to the media which greatly exaggerate the extent of your cooperation with this investigation."

"As you know, we have expressed repeated concern that the records you previously produced contain significant gaps," the House staffers wrote. They added that it was obvious Hyde hadn't turned everything over because his batch of materials was missing records that Congress already knows about because they were turned over by Parnas, who was on the other end of the texts.

Last week, six members of Congress led by Reps. Denny Heck (WA-10) and Jim Himes (CT-04) sent a letter to World Bank Group President David Malpass requesting information about his August meeting with Zelensky in Ukraine. The lawmakers voiced concerns that the meeting could be seen as a part of Trump’s pressure campaign that resulted in his impeachment.

The lawmakers asked Malpass to disclose when he decided to visit Kyiv, whether he coordinated his trip with non-World Bank officials, the “deliverables” of the meeting, the meeting’s impact on the World Bank’s plans in Ukraine and whether they discussed Hunter Biden, Burisma or Viktor Shokin, the former Ukrainian prosecutor general who was ousted under international pressure from leaders including former Vice President Biden. (The Hill)

Russia, Russia, Russia

Last week:

Trump accused House Intelligence Committee Adam Schiff of leaking information about Russia’s efforts to interfere in the 2020 election, dismissed the intelligence as “exaggerated,” and refused to acknowledge that Moscow was behind similar efforts in 2016. “Schiff leaked it, in my opinion — and he shouldn’t be leaking things like that,” Mr. Trump said without evidence.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi informed the public that the Trump administration “failed to provide Congress with a report on the ongoing attacks on America’s elections from foreign governments, which was required by the bipartisan FY2020 National Defense Authorization Act.”
It was reported that Senate Intelligence Committee Richard Burr warned Senate Homeland Security Committee Chairman Ron Johnson and Senate Finance Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley that their probe targeting Biden could aid Russian efforts to sow chaos and distrust in the U.S. political system.
The Washington Post reported that “U.S. officials are sitting on test results that may show how the Putin regime twice tried to kill a peaceful opponent whose close ties to the United States, and columns for The Post, are reminiscent of Jamal Khashoggi, the murdered Saudi journalist.”
A Russian court ordered former United States Marine Trevor Reed be detained for another six months on accusations he assaulted police officers in Moscow last year, a charge that his defense team has called “fraudulent.” Meanwhile, former Marine Paul Whelan has been in a Russian jail since 2018 on espionage accusations. Their treatment is a stark contrast from that received by celebrity rapper A$AP Rocky - when detained in Sweden, Trump dispatched his hostage envoy (and current National Security Adviser) to oversee the matter and secure Rocky’s release. No such effort has been made for the two former service members in Moscow.
Hopping the pond to look at Russia’s interference in the U.K.: The wife of former Russian Finance Minister and Putin-ally Vladimir Chernukhin made a £90,000 donation for a game of tennis with Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “The donation comes as Johnson continues to delay publication of a parliamentary report detailing extensive links between his party and donors with links to Russia.”

Alleged Saudi and UAE funding for Trump

Lebanese-American businessman Ahmad "Andy" Khawaja told Spectator Magazine that officials from Abu Dhabi and Saudi Arabia illegally funneled millions of dollars into Trump’s 2016 campaign. As the CEO of an online payment processing company, Khawaja claims that George Nader obtained his assistance to disguise the money using stolen identities and gift cards as under-$200 campaign contributions that are not required to be reported to the Federal Election Commission.

He remembers Nader explaining why they wanted to fund the Trump campaign. According to Khawaja, Nader said: ‘I’ve been meeting with the Trump campaign people…we have a deal with Trump: my boss, His Highness, made a deal that if we help Trump get elected, he’s going to be harsh on Iran, he’s going to take out the nuclear deal that the Obama administration made. That will cripple the Iranian economy and will sanction Iran from selling oil again. It will make it very difficult for them to compete in the oil market. That’s worth a hundred billion dollars to us. That’s the reason we cannot allow Hillary to win at any cost. She must lose.’
Khawaja says he asked: ‘But you really think he’s going to win? I mean, this is crazy.’ And he says that Nader replied: ‘His Highness is not stupid, he will never bet on a losing horse.’ The money would come from the Saudis. The Emiratis would run the operation, using data bought from the Chinese. Khawaja says that Nader told him: ‘We have all the data already, we have 10 million US consumers’ data. And we have endless money.’ The Russians were ‘on board’ too: ‘He said, “Yes, I have met with Putin already and we have a green light from him. Because Putin is on the same page with us. He wants Hillary to lose.”’

Khawaja and Nader were charged with making false statements, obstruction, and allegedly making illegal contributions to Clinton’s campaign on behalf of an unidentified foreign official. While Nader is currently in jail, Khawaja is a fugitive in the Middle East.

Cuccinelli appointment illegal

A D.C.-based federal judge ruled Sunday that President Donald Trump's appointment of Ken Cuccinelli as acting U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services director violated the Federal Vacancies Reform Act, a decision that suspends two policies Cuccinelli implemented while leading the agency. (Politico)
Three weeks after assuming his new role, Cuccinelli issued a memorandum announcing a revised policy for scheduling credible-fear interviews, the first step in the asylum process, according to the court ruling. Under the revised policy, the agency reduced the time allotted for asylum seekers to consult with others prior to their interviews.
Under Cuccinelli, USCIS also prohibited granting asylum seekers extensions of time to prepare for their credible-fear interviews, "except in the most extraordinary of circumstances." The asylum directives must be set aside, Moss ruled. (CNN)

Eric Trump’s taxpayer-funded business trip

Eric Trump visited a Trump property in development in Uruguay from January 8 to 9, 2019, a two-day business trip that cost taxpayers at least $80,786. CREW obtained records through the Freedom of Information Act today that add to the massive bill of Secret Service protection related to the Trump family’s management of the president’s business empire. The 2019 trip brings Eric Trump’s total up to at least $178,616 in taxpayer funds to work on development of the Trump Organization’s Punta Del Este property alone.

Scottish leader calls for Trump investigation

Parliamentarian Patrick Harvie, a co-leader of the Scottish Greens party, implored the government to pursue a legal order forcing Trump and the Trump Organization to reveal the funding of its multi-million dollar Scottish land acquisitions, saying there were “reasonable grounds” to suspect the U.S. president has been involved in illegal activity.

Mr Harvie said that the House of Representatives had heard testimony which stated: "We saw patterns of buying and selling that we thought were suggestive of money laundering" - with particular concern expressed about Mr Trump's golf courses in Scotland and Ireland.
He added: "Trump's known sources of income don't explain where the money came from for these huge cash transactions. There are reasonable grounds for suspecting that his lawfully obtained income was insufficient.”

"Scottish ministers can apply via the Court of Session for an unexplained wealth order, a tool designed for precisely these kinds of situations." The orders can be issued by the courts to compel their target to reveal the source of funding, and are often used to tackle suspected international money laundering.

Roger Stone

District Court Judge Amy Berman Jackson denied Stone’s request that she disqualify herself from his case for supposed “bias,” issuing a sharply-worded rebuke of the defense’s allegations: "At bottom, given the absence of any factual or legal support for the motion for disqualification, the pleading appears to be nothing more than an attempt to use the Court’s docket to disseminate a statement for public consumption that has the words 'judge' and 'biased' in it," Jackson wrote. “Judges cannot be ‘biased’ and need not be disqualified if the views they express are based on what they learned while doing the job they were appointed to do.”
Footage of Roger Stone’s interviews with prosecutors last month has been released… and the only word that can sum it up is “wow.” The entire archive can be found here, but if you are short on time Politico’s Andrew Kimmel made a supercut of the must-see moments that illustrate Stone’s true character: a narcissist who can barely control his anger at being questioned.

Stefanik broke fundraising rules

A constituent of Republican Rep. Elise Stefanik (NY-21) filed an official complaint against her with the Office of Congressional Ethics for using footage of House floor activities to raise funds for her campaign - an express violation of House rules. Stefanik has used clips of her questioning during the impeachment inquiry in fundraising emails, including one with the subject line, that read, “WATCH: I EXPOSED ADAM SCHIFF.”

In a letter sent on June 7, 2018, the House Ethics Committee reminded legislators that “rules specifically prohibit the use of footage of House Floor activities and committee proceedings for any partisan political purpose.”
“I think Rep. Stefanik’s use of video of the House hearing to solicit political contributions is a serious violation of that rule,” says Larry Noble, the former general counsel of the Federal Election Commission. “The rule is clear, and so is the guidance given by the House Ethics Committee.”
Donald K. Sherman, general counsel of the ethics watchdog Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington — a group that routinely opposes the Trump administration — agrees with that assessment. “House Ethics Committee guidance clearly prohibits Members from using video of committee proceedings for campaign purposes,” said Sherman, who was previously a high-ranking Senate attorney, “which Rep. Stefanik appears to have done nine times in the last six months.

Nunes’ lawsuits

Campaign Legal Center, a nonprofit government accountability watchdog, filed a complaint with the Office of Congressional Ethics asking for an investigation into how Rep. Devin Nunes is paying for his six separate lawsuits against media companies and critics.

The complaint says Nunes appears to be in “blatant violation of House rules,” because he would have trouble paying for all these lawsuits solely from his congressional salary of $174,000 per year. The group argues he’d only be able to pay if he received legal services for free, at a discounted rate, or based on a contingency fee, meaning the lawyer would get compensated from Nunes’ winnings if he prevails in his lawsuits.
In all of those cases, the complaint says, Nunes must disclose the legal help he is receiving by filing a legal expense fund, otherwise it would represent an illegal gift given to Nunes under congressional ethics rules. Nunes has not filed a legal expense fund with the Office of Congressional Ethics.

Immigration news

Washington Post: A federal appeals court in California halted the Trump administration’s “Remain in Mexico” asylum policy on Friday, removing one of the key tools the president has used to curb mass migration across the southern U.S. border. The ruling was in effect for only a few hours, however, as the judges later granted a Trump administration request for an emergency stay “pending further order of this court.” Justice Department lawyers said in court filings that 25,000 migrants have been waiting in Mexico and argued that they feared the ruling would lead to an influx on the southern border.
New York Times: The Justice Department said Wednesday that it had created an official section in its immigration office to strip citizenship rights from naturalized immigrants, a move that gives more heft to the Trump administration’s broad efforts to remove from the country immigrants who have committed crimes… Some Justice Department immigration lawyers have expressed worries that denaturalizations could be broadly used to strip citizenship.
- The Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights: "We reject any denaturalization task force that destroys citizenship as we know it and keeps every naturalized immigrant living in fear. Trump is weaponizing the DOJ to make naturalized immigrants look like second-class citizens."
Jurist: The US Supreme Court issued a 5-4 decision in Hernandez v. Mesa on Tuesday, holding that the parents of a Mexican child who was shot and killed by a border official have no right to seek a remedy in American civil court. The child, Jesus Hernandez, had been playing with friends in a dry culvert that straddles the US-Mexico border between El Paso, Texas and Ciudad Juarez. Border Patrol agent Jesus Mesa fired at Hernandez from the US side of the culvert, and the bullet struck the boy on the Mexican side, where he died.
CNN: Secretary of Defense Mark Esper faced a bipartisan grilling from lawmakers Wednesday on Capitol Hill for his decision to divert military funding to pay for the US border wall as he testifies before the House Armed Services Committee… The top Republican on the committee, Rep. Mac Thornberry, also slammed the move saying it is "substituting the judgment of the administration for the judgment of Congress," adding "I am deeply concerned about where we're headed with the constitutional issue."
ACLU: The American Civil Liberties Union today filed a new lawsuit challenging the Trump administration’s transfer of an additional $3.8 billion in military funds for border wall construction. Congress did not authorize the funds. “The president is doubling down on his unlawful scheme to raid taxpayer funds for a xenophobic campaign promise that is destroying national treasures, harming the environment, and desecrating tribal lands.”
Associated Press: President Donald Trump may not divert $89 million intended for a military construction project in Washington state to build his border wall… “Congress repeatedly and deliberately declined to appropriate the full funds the President requested for a border wall along the southern border of the United States,” [Judge] Rothstein wrote.
Today, Monday March 2, the Supreme Court will hear arguments in a case involving the Trump administration’s “expedited removal” of asylum seekers without allowing them a chance to take their application before a federal judge. For a detailed discussion of the case, see the ACLU and Lawfare.
Mother Jones: Melania Trump Got an “Einstein Visa.” Why Was It So Hard for This Nobel Prize Winner? Immigration attorneys say the Trump administration is rejecting highly qualified applicants for “genius” green cards.

Prince Joffrey & Varya: Joffrey woke up all by his lonesome in his Russian hotel room, then met Varya in the lobby as his tour guide for the day. They toured the "Red Square" in Moscow, to which Joffey proclaimed that "We don't have anything like this in America!", because I guess he thought there would just be a Target and a Walgreens or something. They held hands, kissed, and Varya jumped up and down a lot. They were getting along so well, that Varya decided to give in to staying with Joffrey at the hotel that night. The next morning, Joffrey is looking all Quagmire and discussing their giggidty from the night before. This is where the star of the show comes onscreen..........the nipple tats. Are they bear claws using the nipple as the center? Are they wonky eyelashes that Darcey just can't seem to keep on? Are they a ray of a tribal sun orbiting the central areola? Did he get them in jail? Lost a bet? I can't look away, and can't stop thinking why he was so confident in unleashing these bad boys to an international audience. I mean the other tattoos were just horrible, but these were in a category of their own. I did not pay attention to the details of their conversation about visiting Varya's hometown, because Nipple Tats. I was hoping that he also had a tattoo of dolphins encircling his belly button, but no such luck. Ok, I'll move on..... While Varya was blow drying her hair for 3 1/2 years with one of those crappy hotel hair dryers, she got very jealous over seeing another woman's name "engraved" on Joffrey's comb. (Note to Varya, Joffrey was not married to "Sally Beauty Supply", they just stamp that on all of the combs in the factory in China. Your psycho is showing). Maybe they're well matched after all! I mean if a comb bothers you but the nipple tats left you unphased...... The couple heads to Varya's hometown so Joffrey can see how she lives. Varya owns her apartment, which reminded Joffrey of his nipple tats. I mean, his time in prison. Between the exposed wiring and lack of a sink, she seems to be living in a Fixer Upper before demo day. Joffrey starts getting suspicious that Varya has an ultimate goal of coming to the U.S., being that she's living in shambles without any urgency in completing her project house, and thinks she's banking on moving to America with him eventhough they've only been online dating for 3 months. He's feeling very skeptical, as they unfold the leopard pull out couch to go to bed. Nipple tats.
BGL & Assman: Ok, sometimes to do these recaps I have to watch an episode or segment up to 3 times to actually pay attention. All I'm going to say, is I better start getting paid, because it's going to cost a lot in therapy to forget about the things from this week. That being said..... This week opened with BGL and Assman's first morning together as a solidified couple in Nigeria. Their "pillow talk" consisted of Usman being tired, and Babylove calling him lazy. BGL explains that Assman was inexperienced in the realm of oral passion, and she had to teach him the ways. This is when I went into Usman's home bathroom to retrieve the third bucket reserved for vomit...... Sojaboy-toy described their love-making as "70% good, and that's good enough" (Between him and Azan I'm trying to figure out why men from Africa describe things in percentages). And if all of this wasn't enough, BGL has to reiterate her "no condom use" theme by taking a few useless packs of condoms given to her by her friends out of her dusty beat up suitcase,(no judgement there, mine is always covered in dog hair), while the camera panned over her sanitary napkin and mullet dress. She brought up the condomless evening to Sojaboy, who agreed it was a wild time. Next stop on the vomit train was a Nigerian breakfast with the new Goofballs, which consisted of miscellaneous meat, fish, spaghetti, and pancakes. They discuss meeting Sojamom and the difficulties they may have in getting her blessings for marriage. Apparently mother Assman thinks this evil older white lady is bringing her son to the U.S. as a slave, when in reality, she's just trying to have him live in her house, boss him around, make him go "downtown", and take over his music "career". She's way off! BGL ignores the warnings of the Newfballs (my new name for the new goofballs), and is angry that Assman isn't fighting against all odds for their 70% good love. The couple is accompanied by the Newfballs on their way to Kaduna to experience a day in the life of Superstar Sojaboy. BGL is packing up her dusty bags, and heading out of the hotel like Miss America with her flower bouquet and teddybear. Meanwhile, Assman's cell phone is blowing up, and babygirl Lisa is suspicious, as she should be (Yolanda keeps calling to see where he is!). She arrives at the house, thinking it's going to be something out of MTV Cribs, and is shocked to see the tight knit sleeping arrangements, poop buckets, and wobbly toilets. (My new favorite detail was that the wobbly toilet had a fuzzy decorative toilet seat cover? I bet girly Usman put that on there). Sojaboy confessed to his squad that he can already tell BGL is more difficult in person than he expected. He seems apprehensive to introduce her to the music industry bigwigs of Kaduna in next week's episode, though I personally can not wait.
Big Egg & Rosemarie's Baby: The cab lands at the hotel in Manila where Ed and Rosemarie will be spending their first night together. Rosemarie has never had a slumber party, and forgot her pajamas. While Ed was in the bathroom possibly doing a mayo treatment, Rose was pulling the covers up so she just looked like the girl from "the Grudge", and pretending she was "fake sleeping" worse than a toddler. Ed was under the impression they would stay up hanging out, watching t.v. and talking, but Rose was fake exhausted from faking understanding Ed's jokes all day, so the King and Queen went to bed. The next morning they woke up and Ed hand fed Rose cornflakes from their room service like she was a goat at the petting zoo. Rose complained that Ed blasted the A.C. at night, which is a fight I can relate to. They stepped out of the hotel with Ed's neon sneakers and hit the streets of Manila for some shopping. Big Egg turned into an omelette from the heat within the first 30 minutes, leaking Hollandaise stains all over his shirt. Rose was grabbing money from Ed's wallet and giving away his change, causing Eggie to have a literal meltdown. I still at this juncture really like Ed and look forward to next week, when he pulls a Paul and asks Rose to take an STD test.
Avery & Ashtray: It's the big day- Avery has landed in Melbourne and is meeting Ashole for the very first time. They seemed to be genuinely happy and compatible at the airport, though JackAsh's eyes were wild like he just snorted something. The Zoolander caliber couple set off on the wrong side of the road, holding each other's well-moisturized hands to head to their Air Bnb. Avery claims she wants to stay in different bedrooms so their spirits can connect first, though she loved her black funeral roses from Ashtray's shady florist. Ashole is obviously a narcissist and it seems like every time he talks about Avery, he only mentions how much she loves him. Cant wait to see them pee in the ocean. together....
David & the 1992 Ladies of Ukraine Calendar: I, for one, have been excited to meet David, a 60 year old man from Las Vegas with fabulous 1980s dad hair. His ambitions include traveling the country in an RV, and randomly selling vintage unicycles on the black market out of his garage while demonstrating his sweet cycling skills set to French music (how did this even come up? Do you think production asked him to write down 10 of the most random things about himself and riding a unicycle was one of them??). Also amidst the randomness and a guiding factor for his dating life, was his childhood obsession with Boris and Natasha. Something about that Vampire voice and flat head really does it for him. He has been in a virtual relationship for 7 years with his 27 year old Ukranian beauty, Lana, who he only communicates with over a very expensive paid chat site. Nothing fishy here! (Sidenote: I do a great Natasha impression and will chat for $1.50/minute, if you're listening Dave!). Dave's friends voiced their concern that this woman is taking advantage of him, but it just falls on dead ears. (Every couple on the show has to have at least one intervention with friends). We got to accompany Dave and Lana on a virtual picnic at a local park, where Lana sent several intriguing emojis in regards to their upcoming meeting. He then reveals that they have "intimate" chats, with even sexier emojis, which cost much more than my offer. Dave also has a video chat with Anya, a former Ukrainian fling, who he now considers a close friend. She is skeptical that Lana will not show, seeing as how she has stood Dave up the last 3 times he went to the Ukraine. Seems like he has a few ladies in his Ukrainian stable, and if the 4th time isn't a charm, he can always chit chat with Maria (or Natalie, if he's into Fatal Attraction). Let's hope Dave can soon trade in his unicycle for a bicycle built for two.
Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika: S & E are excitedly chatting about the upcoming visit to the land of Oz, while her adorable pug looked on. Erika hopes Stephanie gets along well with her friends while in town, and has a bunch of fun things planned. Stephanie packed up some cute outfits along with lots of antibiotics in preparation for her trip. Nothing crazy to report yet again, but I'm hoping there are koalas in her future.
Darcey, just Darcey: Darcey, Stacey, and their friend are relaxing at a spa, day drinking fancy mimosas, and rehashing delusions. There seem to be so many pointless episodes leading up to the pointless meeting of Darcey and Tom, who are not even dating. I'd rather watch her run on the treadmill again for like 10 minutes. Its pretty amazing that most of the couples on the show have to save up and get the chance to meet their significant other, and then men Darcey isn't even dating fly in just to say they're done but appreciate her. Anyway, I'm guessing this episode was about mimosas, and "Girl Power". You know they just want Darcey on to poke fun at her. They may as well dissolve the relationship storyline and film her at the DMV, or a PTA meeting, or on the phone with AT&T. All would be more interesting than what is currently happening.
Missing this week was Yolander, who looks like she'll be returning next week. Missing permanently is William's, who doesnt exist.

The Conference

In keeping with the tradition that began in 1866, the Internationale has held a successful conference. Paris, the epicenter of the old order’s great defeat, has birthed new life in the form of the modern revolutionary spirit, as it had done in past centuries. Now, with the great debates, speeches and secret meetings of military importance all concluded, the following consensus has been produced:

Political Conclusions

The Third Internationale is between a rock and a hard place policywise. It is the conference’s belief that our poor economic, foreign policy and logistical situations can only be remedied by taking certain political stances. Broadly-speaking, this means a focus on efficient autonomy and a very clear delineation between when things are more efficient top-down versus bottom-up.

Development of critical industries such as natural resource and war materials production should be top-down, because national decisiveness is key. Similarly, a presidential system is preferable in order to have a single figure able to make decisions that cannot wait for consensus. In regards to local and regional affairs, however, consensus should be built from the bottom up, via legislatures and representative groups. Market socialism is a natural extension of trade unionism, in order to spare administrative resources that would otherwise be wasted on micromanagement. Overall, federalism and municipalism are good options for making these power structures work, as a strong supplement for trade unions. This balance of decisiveness and consensus should provide the best manner from which to make viable revolutionary states.

We need to be open for diverse modes of thinking in order to make a broad enough coalition to facilitate our political aims. That means, broadly speaking, an end to the modern conceptualization of colonialism, which we’ve already signed onto. More importantly, we need to recognize that all people must be treated with equality of opportunity, as this is our chance to eke out the most from our limited amount of manpower. Primarily this is concerned with women’s rights, civil rights for oppressed groups, and better education/social services. Investments here will build support for our movement, give us more manpower and industrial power per capita, and increase productivity on an individual level. The revolution’s goals can also serve as the means of achieving them.

It is also worth considering the women’s revolution from a different angle than mere necessity. If our revolution is to be victorious, it cannot discard the rights of half of the population due merely to differences in anatomy. It is worth remembering that even in places where women’s political rights are heavily curtailed by patriarchal norms, they still hold massive sway due to the essential part they play in the fabric of all societies. If we appeal to the common woman with a genuine offer of liberation and the right to make their own choices, it is not only a huge victory for our revolution, but our moral and civic duty.

During the course of this conference, the so-called “Entente” nations have abandoned the last semblance of democratic norms they still had, unveiling them as the tyrants we already knew them to be. This course of events, combined with a reconciliation with less radical democratic movements in many countries, see the Internationale as the main proponents of true democracy in the world. We should take up this mantle with gusto, as we are up to the challenge of broadening our coalition and making nice with moderate allies when they are willing to make nice with us.

Those who espouse democratic socialism and social democracy are the most easily incorporated. While they do not necessarily espouse anarchist or syndicalist views on economics, a shared focus on public welfare and the common good makes our rhetoric a snug fit. Social liberals are perhaps a more challenging group, as they still adhere to many of the tenets of capitalism, especially the concept of a market system. However, their willingness to be open to social change and their firm belief in democracy being supreme over capitalism where the two conflict (in their eyes, at least) will give us openings to make appeals.

While it is certainly a much bigger tent ideologically than the revolution began with, we can make it work. It may also allow the revolution to make inroads if we portray our values in ways that our non-revolutionary fellows can understand. While we all agree with the concept of “negative freedoms”, or rights that can only be taken away - such as freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom of public protest - the revolution’s ideals are often embodied in “positive freedoms”. These freedoms can only be attained by working together towards a common goal, such as freedom from hunger, freedom from want, and so forth.

Additionally, while the revolution is fundamentally secular, it is not opposed to religion in and of itself. This has not been made clear, usually due to fundamentalist propaganda rooted in fear of our economic stances but peddled in religious terminology. By establishing a firm separation of church and state without alienating the church, we will preserve both the revolution and the spiritual connection that many people have with their faith of choice. There will often be conflicts between the two, as many tenets of faith are somewhat outmoded, but these can be overcome without stamping religion out. This will both preserve the rights the revolution is meant to defend, and allow us lasting appeal with many of those who are of strong personal faith.

While much of this discussion about broadening the revolution has been met with derision from purists, it is a compromise that most seem willing to make.

Economic Conclusions

The Third Internationale is critically isolated from essential resources required for war production. The Germans have a significant colonial empire, and the Entente has access to many critical resources simply due to the geographical size and wealth of their remaining overseas territories. The Third Internationale has neither of these things, and is in serious danger of being unable to compete for resources essential for war production. This must be rectified as soon as possible, both by removing the safety nets of our enemies and securing one for ourselves.

Oil is by far the most critical natural resource we have a paucity of. While synthetic oil production and coal cracking have broken critical ground, they still provide an absolutely paltry amount of refined oil for use or stockpiling. Exploration of Scottish shale deposits have also proven unsatisfactory for running a single peacetime economy, let alone two wartime ones. The best option currently is investment in Mexico’s troubled oil industry, which has struggled to find buyers ever since the US and Germany refused to trade with them. By investing in Mexico and building considerable storage facilities, we should have enough to weather the storm. Oil security, fortunately, is a problem that Germany also shares. If we’re able to isolate them from their tenuous connection to the oil fields in Baku, we can place the juggernaut into the troublesome situation we’re in, but with far less advance preparation.

Rubber is even more troublesome, and is crucial in significant quantity in order to run the vehicles which appear critical for modern war. Rubber is needed for planes, tanks, everything complex that acts in support of the infantry. We have virtually none, and even worse, the Germans control the lion’s share of world production between their colonial enterprises. Any revolts in rubber-rich areas should be given special consideration, and the fomenting of revolution in places like Indochina, Malaya, Siam, Ceylon and Equatorial Africa should be strongly encouraged. Additionally, if an allied regime can be created in Brazil, we could secure vast potential rubber resources with enough investment. Brazil would also be the safest bet logistically, with Germany able to largely disrupt or shut down rubber transfer from other areas. A special consideration should also be made for the Dutch East Indies, and support of a friendly Insulindian revolution could also provide an indigenous counter to Entente and German interests in the region. If we act quickly, we could also seed major rubber plantations in other viable zones of the Americas and Africa amenable to our trade, in order to provide auxiliary sources by the time the war is in full swing, but rubber trees take six years to grow.

Copper is another massive challenge. The Entente has many productive copper mines, as does the United States. The Internationale, meanwhile, has to rely mostly on mines in Cornwall that are likely to begin declining in output soon. Our best bet for competing is to exploit the considerable reserve in Chile, which indicates that we must secure Argentina to ensure the preservation of the Chilean regime. Additional sources could be secured in Spain or the United States if we’re lucky, and exploration of unproven reserves in Peru if their government is overthrown. Germany has active copper mines in places like Lubin, but it is unclear as to whether they would be sufficient to sustain a prolonged war.

With the second defeat of France, all of Lorraine now lies in Germany, her critical iron ore going with it. Italian ore production is insignificant, and British mines are largely uneconomical but can at least bolster her domestic steel demand. Chile, Brazil, Mexico, the United States, Norway and Sweden are the most accessible producers, with potential for future expansion of the steel industry in India if Jharkhand can be held. Without these imports, war production will be implausible. Germany, meanwhile, has much of their ore production and steel industry near their frontlines in the Lorraine and Flemish-Wallonian Sillon Industriel, as well as the Ruhr. If war comes, it is possible that air power could provide a critical advantage in reducing the Reich’s warmaking capacity in this sector.

Bauxite production is minimal, which is unfortunate considering our significant potential for aluminum production. Hydroelectric facilities in Alpine France and Italy could produce considerable amounts of aluminum for planes if bauxite sources could be obtained. Most bauxite used commercially is currently exported from Brazil, Venezuela, Guyana and especially Australia, rendering it out of our grasp. However, there are also proven deposits in Arkansas that could be exploited by an allied America to greatly increase wartime aluminum throughput. Fortunately, Germany is in a similar predicament regarding aluminum accessibility, and knocking out their import sources in China and Brazil could help facilitate the crippling of their aeronautical industries. However, the Entente would be just as likely to sell to Germany for processing, rendering those efforts moot.

Cobalt is essential for catalysts, as well as various alloys. Unfortunately, we’re not in a great position regarding cobalt either. The US has some unproven reserves, but the main production sites available to us are in Cuba. It is possible that Chile could provide cobalt in the required amounts to feed our synthetic materials industries, but that is as yet uncertain.

The Union of Britain and Commune of France both produce considerable amounts of coal, but it tends to be mediocre in quality and economic viability. Additionally, the most viable French coal deposits in Nord-Pas-de-Calais are directly in the line of fire for German troops, leaving mostly the Loire deposits in a strategically secure region. Meanwhile, Germany’s principle coal-mining region in the Ruhr could be made vulnerable to air power, but their significant coal sources in Silesia and elsewhere could aid in keeping their electricity and steel production online. Unfortunately, accessing coal from elsewhere is not economical, and hydroelectric power should be strongly considered, as well as natural gas or literally anything that can keep the lights on.

Manganese is usually found alongside iron deposits, and is critical for virtually all steel production, most aluminum alloys used in military applications, as an additive to reduce engine knocking in unleaded gasoline, and as the key ingredient in current-generation batteries. While the Internationale possesses minor manganese production, mostly in the northern Pyrenees, it is not nearly enough to sustain a wartime steel industry. The best alternative sources at this time are Brazil, India (specifically Orissa, controlled by the Bharatiya Commune), and Mexico, whose reserves are as of yet mostly unproven. Most other sources and potential sources - South Africa, Australia, China, Malaya, Gabon, Ukraine, Ghana - are controlled by the Entente or Reichpakt, with South Africa and Australia being by far the leaders in manganese production.

Lead is crucial for bullets, solder and many alloys of copper and brass. By and large, lead can be sourced in necessary amounts from Mexico if we invest, with other potential candidates being Peru, Bolivia, the US, India and Ireland. Again, the Entente has a massive lead (pun intended) due to Australia, who has by far and away the largest reserve of lead. Germany has minor lead mines of her own, but not enough to support her war industry without major supplementation from Sweden, Russia or Australia.

Nickel is necessary for several alloys, especially types of stainless steel, as well as being a catalyst for hydrogenation. The primary sources for nickel are German New Caledonia, the Philippines, Russia, Canada, Cuba and Brazil, with the latter two being by far the most accessible. Nickel is especially critical for tungsten carbide machine tools, which are vastly superior to regular steel for many tools and machines needed for war production.

Tin is necessary for almost any form of solder, not to mention tin-plated containers, cans and bearings. Outside of the now-declining tin mines in Cornwall, the Bolivian and Chinese tin belts are the primary sources of tin for the Internationale. Unfortunately, Yunnan’s economy is largely controlled by German corporate interests, as are many other potential sources. That said, Siam may be a viable long-term trade partner, as could an independent Indochina, Malaya or Insulindia. Brazil, Peru, Australia and Russia also have significant deposits.

Molybdenum is a critical component of alloys in military-grade armor, electrical contacts, airplane components, industrial motors, filament supports in lightbulbs, and many forms of stainless and tool-quality steel. The main sources of molybdenum are in Norway and the United States, with Chile also producing Molybdenum as a byproduct from copper mining. In this respect, it is possible that the Internationale will be able to deny Germany access to major deposits, as Canada has yet to exploit most of theirs and it may be possible to cut much of US trade to the German industrial heartland.

Tungsten is straightforward, primarily being used for tungsten carbide in machine tools, kinetic energy penetrators, etc. By far the largest production potential for tungsten is China, but many other sources exist in more convenient countries such as Spain, Portugal, the United States, Australia, Canada, Russia and Indochina. While the Entente and Reichpakt control much of these, Spain and Portugal could be potential sources, and England has domestic tungsten production that could provide a bare minimum of new tungsten carbide in wartime.

Vanadium is another extremely useful steel additive, as well as having applications in airframes, axles and other high-wear, critical components of vehicles and machinery. Vanadium is mostly present in Manchuria, Peru, far eastern Siberia and South Africa. It is likely that we could deny the Germans access to significant amounts if South Africa could be somehow isolated.

Zinc is essential in galvanization, many alloys including bronze, catalyzing rubber, manufacture of industrial chemicals, and more. Zinc at least can be accessed in reasonable quantities via Ireland, Mexico and India. However, it is worth considering that Peru, Australia, Russia, China, the United States and Canada are by far the largest producers. It is very unlikely that Germany can be cut off from significant access to zinc, given that it is also produced in quantity in Anatolia and Sweden.

Nitrates used for fertilizer are largely dominated by production in Chile, Peru, California and the Pacific islands. Fortunately, it is far more abundant in Chile than anywhere else, meaning that agricultural production is more secure. Actual productive agricultural lands that could be tapped into are largely in Argentina, southeastern Brazil, the United States and perhaps unorthodox countries such as India, if properly mechanized. Germany is heavily reliant on colonial and Ukrainian imports, and the Entente mostly relies on Canadian (and to a lesser extent, Australasian) grain. A significant enough disruption from sea traffic could potentially starve the French Republic out, or on a smaller scale could work on the garrisons of Corsica and Sardinia.

Logistical Conclusions

The Internationale is critically reliant on overseas trade in order to support our war economies, even if we manage to acquire the necessary resources to actually further our war aims domestically. This means a rapid change of focus from building up to face Germany on the home continent to instead facing off against the Entente and Hochseeflotte to wrest control of the waves. We start in control of two critical naval passages, the English Channel and Straits of Magellan, but this will not suffice to achieve a victory in the current situation.

Most critical and with the most potential is Gibraltar. Control of Spain would allow the Internationale to hold a knife to the throat of Germany’s largest colonial trade artery, forcing them to reroute their trade from Ostasien around the Cape of Good Hope instead of through the much shorter Suez route. This would also be absolutely devastating to the French “Republic”, who relies on Gibraltar for almost all of their imports due to the severe traversability challenge posed by the Sahara. The much smaller ports in Morocco would not suffice, and could potentially be intercepted from a Gibraltar position, rendering them moot, and allowing us to choke the French pretender state into submission. In enemy hands, meanwhile, Gibraltar would force us to move almost all supply overland and would prevent our naval forces from being able to group together if necessary, rendering a major blow to our warmaking capabilities.

Additional pressure on the Mediterranean can be provided by seizure of Sicily, thus locking down the Strait of Messina and would allow for considerable strike capability into the Strait of Sicily. Such a position could pose a large threat to German trade, but would have much less of an effect on the French Republic. As such, it would be prioritized in the context of strengthening Syndicalist Italy, and not as a viable alternative to Gibraltar.

Now we turn our attention to holding our own trade open, and the North Atlantic becomes our principle battleground. Sufficient deployment of German or Entente submarines could pose an existential threat to Internationale shipping, let alone their surface fleets. If we are to survive, the North Atlantic must be kept open so that supplies from allies such as Chile and Mexico can be received and put to good use. This means that Spain and Portugal are once again critical, as Iberian waters stand to intercept any and all shipments from critical resource regions. Additionally, Brazil would serve as an extraordinarily useful base for naval patrols, allowing the Internationale to put pressure on insufficiently-guarded German shipping between Natal and Monrovia, and use of the Canaries and Azores would allow a significant extension of the Internationale’s air coverage in supply areas critical for the Entente.

The Caribbean is rife for potential socialist uprising, and the Entente could theoretically use their bases to shut off resources critical for the war effort, especially Mexican oil and Cuban rare earth metals. At bare minimum, a corridor must be established somewhere via the support of syndicalist revolutionary activity, in order to keep ahold of our Mexican petro-lifeline. Without oil, no strategy will succeed.

In the North Sea, it is worth gambling on protections for Danish Faroes, Iceland and Greenland if we cannot take them ourselves, as allowing them to fall into enemy hands could prove disastrous. Already we are at an informational disadvantage compared to the Entente, whose position in the western Atlantic means they are aware of the expected weather across the ocean ahead of time, whereas we… are not. To allow a launchpad for airborne convoy raiding or other activities in such a critical space is exceptionally dangerous, which is the same reason why detente or even occupation of Ireland could prove necessary. We cannot allow any additional bridges towards us, or lifelines for German shipping.

Our control of the Straits of Magellan, preferably supplemented by the Falklands and South Georgia, is crucial for segmenting and isolating German or Entente commerce raiders, but is most important as a secure lane for transport for our own supplies, should the Panama Canal prove unusable or fallen into enemy hands.

The Internationale should broadly assume that they will be unable to sever trade in the Eastern Mediterranean, unless Egypt chooses to seize the Suez Canal in a wartime situation, which is entirely beyond our control. As such, it is possible that Germany will attempt to reroute their supplies from Suez into the Ukraine and then overland, a far inferior route to purely overseas but still possible. In order to mitigate this, it may be worth pursuing a Sicily -> Malta strategy to allow our navies to put greater pressure on the eastern Med if Russia cannot exert significant force in the Black Sea.

Should the Dutch East Indies succumb to revolution by an Insulindian regime friendly with us, or at least hostile to the Germans, it will open up a world of opportunities to disrupt the flow of German and Entente trade in East Asia, a critical theatre for German rare materials and economic interests. Similarly, a liberated Indochina, Malaya or similar power could apply more minor pressure in that direction. This would likely prompt Japan to make significant moves against Germany.

Overall Strategic Priorities and Considerations

We’re backed into a corner, and we must find our way out or potentially see our revolution extinguished. For the sake of all peoples of all times who slowly grasped their way into the light, we must never let the torch fall.

The German behemoth sits and glowers from across the Moselle, awaiting our challenge from its throne of colonial pillage. However, that is a challenge that we must admit we cannot face head-on. We must be like the Spanish bullfighter, and dodge their clumsy advance in order to tire them out, much as they did to our fathers in 1918. This time, we have the time and political will to prepare a comprehensive strategy of resistance and attrition, directed towards denying Germany the ability to acquire the resources vital to war production for long enough to wear their warmaking capabilities down to the nub. To accomplish this, we must somehow keep the biting dogs of the old order off our backs, and gain far more allies than we currently possess.

First and foremost, we must find some way to regain Haute-Savoie from Switzerland, for it contains significant hydroelectric capacity that will prove essential to keep our coal-starved industry afloat in the future. This should be undertaken primarily as a diplomatic endeavor, as it is unlikely that the Swiss would desire a war given their unique political fragility at this juncture. A mutual trade treaty could gain us access to Swiss financial instruments, allowing us to far more easily bankroll revolutionary organizations worldwide. It could also potentially open up Switzerland to syndicalist influence, at minimum keeping them neutral and perhaps even flipping them to our side in the future.

The main German border must be well-fortified. We saw the vast difference in casualty counts when defensive fortifications were a crucial part of a given Weltkrieg battle, especially in Verdun. As such, a massive defensive bulwark should be constructed to shield the remainder of the Lorraine upwards to Sedan, with slightly sparser fortifications across the front from Sedan to the sea. This defensive network will save troops for an effective push into Flanders-Wallonia just west of the Ardennes, where it is possible that more mobile forces could seize Mons and Charleroi and push up towards Namur, with the ultimate goal being Liège. While it would be preferable to take advantage of Syndicalist support amongst Walloons before an actual war broke out, this is unlikely to be possible. That said, a radical shortening of the German front should be prioritized, in order to reduce the effectiveness of their numerical advantage.

Other key points of focus should be the English Channel, through which we will be able to choke and reroute a huge amount of German trade, and its sister the North Sea. Shetland provides for a considerable power projection capacity, but securing Bergen across the waves via alliance or occupation would be decisive in culling German abilities to trade overseas, choking them on their own colonial reliance. Even if Norway were hostile or invaded by a superior hostile power, it would be plausible to hold a critical logistical choke point in Vossevangen and either force the Germans to sally out with the Hochseeflotte to be subjected to naval bomber attacks, or make them assemble a logistically strenuous force in Norway, away from the frontline.

In a similar vein, we must keep the Danish North Atlantic neutral or otherwise bring it into our hands, to prevent it from providing key bases for bombing raids and submarine traffic. Weather stations in Greenland, or perhaps secret autonomous or one-man stations in Labrador, would allow us to have advance notice of the weather on par with the Entente, nullifying their main informational advantage at sea. For similar reasons, Ireland must be kept neutral or brought into an alliance in order to prevent circumvention of our wartime air blockade.

Mexico is our only hope for a reliable partner to fill our military need for oil production, and so access to Mexico must be maintained as best we can. This will require taking express aim at Entente possessions in the Caribbean, which are already seething hotbeds of political and racial resentment. If we can make a power play to secure a gap, we will be able to hold it open against Entente air and naval counterattacks, hopefully allowing enough oil to get through in the process to facilitate our war machines.

In Spain lies our most troublesome quandary: Gibraltar and the Canaries. With them, German trade suffers a critical secondary blow, Internationale trade is greatly secured from commerce raiding in the Atlantic, and the French Republic is permanently crippled without outside aid. Without it, we are divided and damned. Gibraltar must be secured at all costs, and the Canaries as a secondary priority, perhaps even as a bridge to Madeira and the Azores as major Atlantic bases. This means backing the CNT-FAI with all possible political, economic and military aid we can, to ensure their success. With Spain, our revolution in Europe lives or dies.

In Italy, things are bad but not quite so pressing. The Po River is horrific ground on which to meet an advance, with the Alps being far more to Italy’s advantage should Austria join her old German ally. Additionally, the Two Sicilies are poised to join our enemies should they believe it to their advantage, and it is proposed that some form of attack to eliminate their warmaking capabilities should be committed to before that is possible. Corsica and Sardinia, meanwhile, present a direct threat to the Internationale’s flank, leaving the critical southern ports of Marseille, Toulon, Nice, Genua and La Spezia exposed. If Corsica could be cut off or liberated by diplomatic or economic means without resorting to war, it would greatly relieve the pent-up Mediterranean navies, allowing them to effectively stand off against the French “Republic” and any German forces tasked to the Mediterranean.

Critical natural resources, including almost all of our copper imports, come from Chile. In order to secure Chile, we must secure Argentina. We must strike immediately, while the present regime is scrambling to put down their own even more reactionary navy! Securing Argentina will place another economic arrow in our quiver and remove it from Germany’s. It can provide much of the necessary food to sustain our war effort, especially if combined with victory or intervention in Brazil.

More broadly, Latin America is both receptive to our ideals and filled with war-critical resources that haven’t been monopolized by German tyrants or Entente corporations. Brazil is by far the greatest priority, as a reliable wartime supply of rubber will be necessary in order to allow our scarce manufacturing sector to field more vehicles cheaply, and they have numerous other key resources in smaller amounts. Similarly, Peru, Bolivia and Cuba have very sizable mineral resources and rubber potential. If possible, any and all syndicalist or allied activity must be directed towards regime change that will secure our power projection and war supply in order to resist the menaces all around us.

The United States too is in turmoil, and could be ripe for change. A syndicalist Union is highly unlikely as an outcome, but supporting the SPA in their political activities could at least maintain American neutrality, and perhaps even a thaw that would open lines of credit and vast resources that would vastly buoy our war effort.

As for India, while it would be nice to gain more of their present iron and manganese production, the Indian Ocean is practically a German lake unless significant political change occurs. This rather limits our abilities to coordinate with our Indian allies, but it is worth trying to disrupt critical German resources in East Asia that help fund their vast imperial hoard. Disruption of German rubber production would also be excellent if possible, but as of now it seems out of reach.

Japan and Russia are both large powers with a mutual bone to pick with the Germans, but they may actually loathe each other even more somehow. As such, we cannot expect anything from the weakened Russian state or the isolated and resource-starved Japanese “Empire”. We must assume that we will have to go it alone if we wish to fell Goliath.

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