Underground fighting, kind of an ironic name considering how promoted it is now. Every group of knuckleheads has their own YouTube channel, hell, bare knuckle boxing has became sanctioned as of late.
But there are still grimy rings with seedy individuals betting inordinate amounts of money on the outcome of a fight between two guys that are willing to go a little farther than the law would allow.
As you've guessed , I am one of 'those guys' don't get the wrong idea, I don't have a death wish, while its true you can find places that give a couple idiots machetes and watch the show, that isn't my thing. I'm just a good old, bare knuckle, no holds barred , not good enough to get into the ufc schmuck. It pays the bills and makes it so I only really have to work a handful of days a month.
The name's Terry Gilmore , and I'm not here to tell you about the mildly interesting world of semi illegal fighting...or rather, not the side of it most people see.
Like any other sport there is superstition, myth and legend. And the older guys, they have a rule, don't take fights from September 15th to November 1.
Ask 10 old heads why, you get 11 different reasons. Humidity leads to more injuries, spirits make bad luck, veil between world's thins, all kinds of crazy crap.
And most people laugh it off, schedule their fights, and are perfectly fine. I'm a pretty mediocre athlete truth be told, but in this regard, unfortunately, I'm not most people.
The fight takes place in a warehouse , spotlights hastily rigged up provide glaring illumination to the assembled crowd of scumbags just connected or rich enough to lose a few thousand dollars in a night and take the loss in stride.
I'm wearing loose shorts and no shirt, the spotlights are already making me sweat. My opponent is an older guy, 50s maybe, solid build, bushy grey hair and beard. He wears a pair of torn sweatpants and a sleeveless white undershirt. His face has the telltale signs of an alcoholic , and I really hope he isn't some poor homeless guy they dragged in at the last minute.
His confidant stride to the centre of the second rate ring made me realize that was not the case. The ref says nothing other than " Begin" as we touch fists and begin to circle.
He's a few inches taller than myself and has about 20 pounds on me. The advantage is most certainly on his side. But being half his age, there should be no way he has more gas than I do.
The first round is a boring affair. Both of us feeling each other out with jabs and feints, not wanting to commit for fear of taking a nasty cut early in the fight. Boxing purists will point this out as a flaw in bare knuckle bouts, from my point of view, if the goal is to make the fight as realistic as possible bare knuckle is the superior option.
The second round though, that is when I knew something was amiss. He came out of his corner like a bat out of hell , not the haymaker frenzy a lot of big guys with no skill try, but a constant pressure of jabs followed by heat seeking overhand punches I found myself stumbling backwards to avoid.
The first real blow that connects sends me into the boxing style ropes. I dodge the roundhouse right meant to finish me off and push forward, getting inside his guard.
One main difference, rules wise, to an mma bout is headbutts are perfectly kosher. As a shorter guy this is just about my only advantage.
I clinch up with the guy, who I notice is dry as a bone, and smells vaguely of sawdust. Instead of trying to take him down, or dish out some body blows though, I bring him in as close as possible, tuck my head and drive the top of my skull into his jaw.
I feel something give way and he falls back a bit. I'm shocked that i didn't put his lights out, but not enough to let up.
I assume he is more of a boxer so I start throwing some low kicks. They land as expected, seizing his oblique muscle. But that wasn't the goal.
On the fourth kick he throws his guard low, exactly what I was hoping for. I don't bother setting it up with a jab, I spin my torso into a devestating uppercut that lands with an audible crunch.
I think the guy has to be on something as he shakes his head for a second, obviously trying to clear away some cobwebs, but still in the fight.
I don't let shock make me stupid though, as he is getting his bearings I launch a roundhouse left, ready to back it up with a takedown if this guy's cement jaw keeps doing its thing.
He regains his wits quickly enough to see the powerful, albeit sloppy, punch coming. He reacts with a bulldozer of a left cross, meant to simultaneously block my blow, and take my head off of my shoulders.
But he wasn't quite quick enough. I turn my body and the punch misses cleanly enough that I look him directly in his surprisingly vibrant blue eyes. Right before my blow connects, and I see one launch itself from its socket.
I fight in a pretty brutal sport, and in an extra brutal league, but at the end of the day we are all still athletes trying to get by doing what we love. You get a few psychos now and then, but they are self defeating. If you are known for crippling folks no one is going to want to actually get in the ring with you.
With that in mind I took a step back, lowering my guard and saying " holy shit! " as I looked to the ref, who was unashamedly attempting to pick up on a pretty attractive lady in the audience.
The old man looks at me with one eye closed. No blood but I swear I see a thin line of grey fluid coming from the eye I unintentionally removed.
"Don't worry about me kid, you're in a fight." He says launching a push kick that widens the distance between us before the end of round bell rang.
He goes to his corner, and his cut-man, a young guy with pale skin an a moustache that makes him seem untrustworthy begins to work. I try to catch a glimpse of how bad I hurt the guy but I have my own wounds to attend to.
No cut-man for me, never saw the point in paying someone 15 per cent to take me out of the fight before I'm ready. That's the refs job.
I apply the last of a container of "quick stop" purchased from the pet store (mostly corn starch and lidocaine) on the worst of my cuts and feel the stinging and bleeding abate. We are on our feet again and as we touch fists, I first assumed I didn't actually knock the man's eye out. Clearly I was looking at a fully occularly typical person. Two perfectly functional eyes were gauging how much I had left in me.
The only problem was, one of the eyes was brown.
Maybe I'm punch drunk, maybe I just didn't notice it before , but my gut screams at me something is wrong. Especially when I realize that before the blows are even being traded I'm gassed, and my oponent literally hasn't even broken a sweat.
He's observant for someone who should no longer have access to binocular vision, and takes advantage of how winded I am. He launches a combination that I'm sure was the scourge of the city league 30 years ago. But we are not boxing.
I clinch up, taking a couple punches in the process but stealing his reach. He's not a grappler, and I easily get him against the ropes, heedless of the elbows and awkward jabs he is throwing.
I grab the ropes with both hands, trapping him, and gather up all my energy for as many knees as I can throw. The old man is out of his element , every time he lowers his guard he receives a headbutt to the jaw, as he defends against that I launch knee after knee, I feel his ribs crack , then break, and as the fifth knee lands, and I feel my muscles burning enough to make me disengage it feels like I'm striking a bag of melting ice.
His jaw is cocked, one side of his chest slightly caved, but he is still standing. And as I watch his jaw pops itself back into shape.
He whispers just loud enough for me to hear "You fought good kid, I'm gonna make sure you still come out of this looking decent." I think he is taunting me but his tone is very legitimate, and more importantly he does not sound ready to stop anytime soon.
Before I have time to set myself he fires off a kick that lands square in my stones. My body cramps up, and a wave of nausea overtakes me. Perfectly legal , though frowned upon blow in this sport.
A punch to the stomach follows , and as I go to a knee, the old man puts his hand over my nose and mouth in a death grip. I begin to retch and suddenly am waterboarding myself on my own vomit.
The ref, realising that aspirating vomit has killed much better people than myself calls the fight, a win for the old guy but judging by the booing from the crowd, not one that will get him another fight anytime soon.
The "locker room" was 2 industrial showers that sprayed what felt like ice and smelled like a week old mop. On the plus side there was a partition.
I begin washing the blood , sweat and vomit from myself and strike up a conversation with the old man.
"So what are you on that is letting you ignore that kinda pain, if it's not blowing out your heart , I think I need some. " I say , hoping it comes off as good natured ribbing.
"Not a thing to sell ya kid. But I do have an offer for you." He says cryptically.
"I'm not going to make the obvious joke about making me an offer in the shower, so I'll just ask, what's the offer? " suspicion creeping into my tone.
"I'm part of a promotion, and I think you might be good enough to join. You'd be making UFC money with your Streetbeefs talent." He says grinning a bit. I've made a deal with myself to not think about the fact I know I shattered that jaw.
"Look at you trying to sound all hip. Not interested in a snuff league man. " I say in a neutral tone.
"Nothing like that. Actually I'd say most of the time the rule set is going to be much stricter than these glorified barfights. Now, listen I could give you all the details now, with our Johnsons flopping around, and you are going to think I'm a liar, crazy, or some kind of pervert like that 'Competitive Tickling' guy from a couple years back. Better I give you my card, you see for yourself and make your decision. " the old man says drying off and putting on a pair of comfortable sweats.
I do the same, down to a similar oversized worn out sweatshirt and pants , adding a " great minds think alike." As I notice this similarity.
He hands me a card for a place called " Gym's" which, oddly is only a few blocks away from my place. Not that I think I can recall exactly what is there but I'd think I'd know if it was a gym or training camp.
"Come at 7am tomorrow or don't bother. " the old man says as we part our ways.
It'd be poetic if I said I didn't sleep the night before, but I did. In fact I'd pretty much decided this was going in a "competitive tickling" (look it up if you art getting the reference. If I had to find out about it undiluted so do you) direction and decided against it.
But now you get introduced to "Saw Guy" , now I know where you guys are reading this, so don't get too excited at that name. It's the nickname I've given to the guy who lives in the house next to my apartment. This man , I shit you not every weekend is up at the cracks of dawn sawing some bullshit for a home improvement project. . And you know what? I wish he was killing people because then , instead of having to deal with this bullshit when I want to sleep in , I could just have him arrested.
You can probably guess what happened next. I was bored, annoyed and up earlier than I had any right to be. I decided to go pay a visit to Gym's .
Sure enough a building that could have used a coat of paint, with a faded blue and yellow sign reading Gym's stood at an adress I could swear was just some houses last time I checked.
I don't prepare my mind for something horrific, just something…gross. Old people bondage club or fetishist bar or something. Luckily when I opened the tinted glass door , what I saw was a pretty big standard gym. Mma cage, boxing ring , treadmills, etc. And some slightly above average guys and gals who think they are warrior gods using them.
I'm greeted by the old man. He is wearing what I'd like to describe as 'business casual' attire. A pair of nice looking dress pants and a silk muted hawian shirt that is making up for its lack of taste by being obviously custom and very expensive.
He's had a haircut and shave as well and now has more of a James Randi vibe instead of reminding me of a blown out Mic Foley.
"You made it. Names Harold in case you never got it. Now are you the type that rips a bandaid off fast or slow?" He says with a bit of a smirk.
I point to my wounds from the night before , taking the time to notice there isn't a single mark on him, and say "not the type to use band aids." I say trying to show some confidence.
"Good to know. Gym!" He screams.
I hear a noise from the ceiling, I'm not trying to be funny but the closest thing I can think of it sounded like was the world's largest butthole taking the world's worst crap. A slimy , irregular slithering that drowned out the other sounds in the gym. I looked up I couldn't help it.
What I saw made me produce a layer of cold fear sweat. The ceiling of the gym was a rusted fleshy mass, rearranging itself into a massive face, staring dead eyed down at me. It grinned like a flayed emoji , I was at a loss for words.
"Gym " I say trying to not puke, faint or run.
"Who owes Harry ? Kid didn't shit himself." The face says, vibrating the floor with laughter.
The face disolves and I look to Harold, jaw agape.
"Things starting to come together?" He says putting an arm on my shoulder.
" I fucking hope not." I say as he starts to walk me to a back corner of the gym. "Because at the moment it seems like I'm being walked into a monster…"
"Okay, we are going to have to go over rule number one. You are acting like a 'Whedon' , that is our nickname for humans who try to frame everything in fiction. It generally leads to you putting your foot in your mouth and making really stupid paranoid comments. Then it leads to you acting like you have no choice , and generally being a real bummer to be around.
There are a lot of entities that do all the shit you are afraid of. But none here. Does that mean everyone loves you? Hell no, but we are trying something here.
It isn't a death pit, it isn't a ritual or some sick game. It's a promotion, we're 90%mma 10% WWE, we have health care, life insurance, and more cash to throw around than you can believe. Our refs actually look out for our fighters well enough I can say there is a minimum of 1 ufc ref worse." Harold monologues, I can tell he has practised this but I do get the vibe he is being sincere.
"Your talking about Herb Dean?" I say , trying to find something casual to say.
"Of course Herb Dean.
Anyway, we could use someone like you. You won't be fighting anything you can't handle, or don't agree to. I feel pitching it anymore is going to make you nervous , so , what do you say?" Harold finishes.
"First, why me? I could think of 20 guys better off the top of my head." I say , cockiness gone.
"It's not about that. We need the right kind of mindset, and you have it. You are no psycho, you are dealing with the destruction of your worldview well, you can keep your mouth shut and well, those 3 years on that kids show didn't hurt either." He laughs as we make our way to a skinny guy working a heavy bag in a pretty masterfull fashion.
The guy turns to us and thankfully I'd just seen an eldritch ceiling tile , as it let me react with a little less gusto to this fresh horror.
He was wearing extremely oversized workout gear, with a ruddy, almost infected reddish skin tone, greasy long black hair , a mouth that seemed too small for his face, and massive black almost hamster like eyes taking up a third of his face.
But these were not the most disturbing feature, his hands were massive things, not deformed and cancerous but lithe, with palms the size of dinner plates and 2 feet of undulating knuckles on each hand.
He extends one to me and talks in a soft almost childlike whisper "It is a pleasure to make your aquiessence, good bedfellow".
I shake his hand, which feels like it could rip my arm from its socket. But turn to Harold.
"The hell did he just say?" I whisper.
"Don't try to analyse it too much, go for broad strokes. He says hi and is happy to see you. " Harolds tone indicates this is something he is very familiar with. " And to answer the question, yeah in a free for all, or in a dark alley he'd destroy you. But the fight is going to be Queensbury rules, heavy gloves and with a ref that has as many eyes as you have fingers. There is one catch though. "
"Here it goes, this is where the creepy pasta starts." I say with a sigh.
"That, you are Whedoning all over the place with a comment like that. 'The creepypasta starts' you dramatic little princess.
The catch, before you humansplain any more to me is you need to help out a bit with our friend Syz's training. He's got the gimmicks, he's got the skill but he lacks that…he's a bit of a teacup. 10 grand for 2 months plus what you will be making in your other fights. You in?" Harold confidence that I am is not unfounded.
And that is where I am , writing this in an understocked lunch room just having agreed to not only fight but train a monster. Can I do it ? Should I be doing it?
I've always been a risk taker, and I guess this is just the next in a series of dangerous d ecisions, but it's feeling like I'm in a bit over my head

Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ Jun. 3, 2002

Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.
PREVIOUSLY:


1-7-2002	1-14-2002	1-21-2002	1-28-2002
2-4-2002	2-11-2002	2-18-2002	2-25-2002
3-4-2002	3-11-2002	3-18-2002	3-25-2002
4-1-2002	4-8-2002	4-15-2002	4-22-2002
4-29-2002	5-6-2002	5-13-2002	5-20-2002
5-27-2002

We start with more on the death of Davey Boy Smith, including a full-length super long obituary, because apparently 2002 is nothing but people dying. I feel like I've done nothing but recap obituaries since starting back with 2002. Anyway. in the wake of Smith's death, the reaction has sadly not been one of surprise. Anyone who saw Smith in the last 4-5 years pretty much saw it coming. The cause of death, pending toxicology results, was ruled a heart attack caused from prolonged steroid use. But until the toxicology results are back, the belief among his friends and family is that there was probably more to it. Dave talks about the staggering number of wrestlers who have died under age 40 in recent years, with upwards of 20 of them being due to drug issues.
Smith died while on vacation with his girlfriend Andrea Hart, estranged wife of Bruce Hart. Despite that, Smith was actually on good terms with most of the Hart family, although Andrea is not. The Hart family believes Andrea knows more than she's letting on about the circumstances of his death, but she's not talking to anybody. Andrea's children (that she had with Bruce) were also there and they each apparently have different accounts of how he died (he was sleeping! he was in the pool! he was eating!) but they all pretty much agree he collapsed doing whatever he was doing. Andrea told the press that she believed Smith had overdosed, but Smith's dad did his own interviews and denied it, saying his son had stopped using drugs and was clean when he died. Needless to say, most people aren't buying that given his track record. Smith's father decided against having the body cremated and instead ordered it sent back to England for examination to make sure he wasn't murdered. "I cannot believe his death was natural," he said. "If they find drugs in his body, then he didn't put them there. Davey was clean." (Eeeeeeehhhhh....) Shit got even messier when Andrea and Smith's ex-wife Diana Hart each tried to claim the body. Despite her book (in which she accused Smith of drugging, abusing, and raping her), Diana played grieving widow in the media even though they're divorced. It may not have been an act though. Some in the family believe Smith and Diana were trying to reconcile, and they were on good terms at the time of his death. Andrea claimed to be his common-law wife, even though she's still legally married to Bruce. She later claimed Smith had proposed to her 2 weeks before his death and said they were engaged, which was the first anyone had heard about that. Smith's father claims in their last conversation, Davey Boy had told him he was planning to break up with Andrea after their vacation. So who knows. Anyway, both Diana and Andrea planned their own separate memorial services, while Smith's dad is planning his own 3rd service. Smith's body wasn't at either of the Hart family memorial services because, as mentioned, it was sent back to England where authorities are launching an investigation at the behest of Smith's father.
Andrea's service was said to be small and simple, just a few dozen people, and she seemed sincere in her sorrow. Diana's service was larger and more public, with hundreds of attendees and press, along with several WWE names. Vince McMahon, Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart (who attended both services), Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Jim Ross, and others all attended and several of them spoke. Diana's eulogy featured a professionally produced video featuring Davey Boy footage from WWE that had never aired on television before. She thanked Vince for trying to help Davey with his addiction issues. She never acknowledged everything she wrote about him in her book last year. Smith's children as well as Stampede wrestler TJ Wilson gave speeches as well. 16-year-old Harry Smith was composed and gave a great speech about teaming with his father in his last matches. And then Ellie Hart got up there and....it went about how you'd expect. She started ranting about Andrea and blaming her for not giving the family the answers they wanted and it started to turn into some drama, but the minister gently interrupted her and got things back on track. And finally, Bret Hart gave a speech, directly addressing Smith's children and saying that Davey Boy and Owen would want the children of all these Hart family members to get along with each other better than the adults have. From here, Dave gets into the actual meat of the obituary, recapping Smith's life and career. As always, an excellent read but very long to recap.
WWE Confidential, the new show the company is producing, aired its debut episode this week, focusing on the Montreal Screwjob. Dave once again talks about how Vince McMahon tried to downplay the incident recently, giving an interview just a couple of months ago calling the Screwjob a minor incident that almost no one cares about. Vince went so far as to say he could count on one hand the number of people who even still care about that old news. Turns out one of those must be Vince because this week, they dedicated the premiere of this new show to the story and highlighted it as the most controversial night in the history of wrestling. The hook of the show was Shawn Michaels revealing publicly, for the first time, that yes, he was in on the screwjob and knew about it in advance. Dave says this isn't really a secret. Shawn denied having any knowledge of it that night but as soon as the day after Survivor Series 97, he was bragging to friends about it. Vince McMahon also later confided in Undertaker that Shawn knew ahead of time. So it was kind of an open "secret" that Shawn knew but this is the first time he's admitted it publicly. Triple H still denies knowing about it ahead of time, but Dave is pretty skeptical there too (and indeed, it's later revealed that yes indeed, Triple H also knew). Dave thinks lots of people had to know. Even the guy who cued the music had to know, because Shawn's music was queued up and ready to play the second Vince ordered the bell to be rung. Pat Patterson always claimed not to know and Bret has said he wants to believe it, because he likes Pat, but the way Pat interrupted the match-planning conversation and specifically suggested the sharpshooter spot to them makes Bret question it (I think Patterson still denies it to this day, but I have my doubts there too). Anyway, the show recapped the history of the Screwjob and if you know Dave, you know he's about to poke a whole bunch of holes in WWE's revisionist bullshit. Here we go...
The story of the episode was WWF was close to going out of business due to the WCW war and couldn't afford Bret anymore, so Vince nobly allowed Hart out of his contract so he could negotiate a better deal with WCW. Actually, Dave says, Vince first talked to Bret about deferring some of his contract to later on but that was a couple months earlier. At the time, WWF really was having some financial struggles, but it's an exaggeration to say they were almost driven out of business. They were never even close. But regardless, that's irrelevant because in Sept. 97, they raised the price of PPVs by $10. That added revenue, which was nearly $1 million per month in pure profit, was easily enough to get them out of financial trouble. By the time Survivor Series 97 rolled around, WWF was doing just fine, money-wise, and were only a couple months away from catching fire and getting nuclear hot. So no, they did not need to get rid of Bret's contract. And in fact, in October, a couple weeks before Survivor Series, Vince changed his mind and asked Bret to stay, saying that the financial situation had turned around. But by this point, Hart's negotiations with WCW were full speed ahead and Vince allowed Hart to continue negotiating. But after talking to both sides, it was clear Vince had no real plan for Bret and he didn't really seem like he wanted to keep him, so Bret took the WCW deal and the rest is history. But of course, none of that is mentioned in this show. The episode also claimed Hart refused to drop the title to anyone (again, not true. Only Shawn. Bret even offered to lose it to Brooklyn Brawler if they wanted. In fact, Dave breaks down all the different scenarios that were presented here, and Bret was willing to lose the title to anyone other than Shawn, anywhere other than that show in Montreal, at any date before or after the PPV. They had actually presented Bret with dozens of different scenarios, all of which he agreed to, only for Vince to keep coming back around to Shawn at Survivor Series, which was the one and only thing Bret wouldn't budge on). They also tried to paint the picture that Bret could have taken the title to WCW the night after Survivor Series. In fact, Bret's WWF contract didn't end until Dec. 1st, and he was booked on more than a dozen house shows after Survivor Series and had even agreed to work the early December PPV because Bischoff had given his blessing. There was zero chance Bret was going to show up with the belt on Nitro. There was concern that Bischoff would go on Nitro the next day and announce he had signed Bret, and Dave says it's true that Bischoff certainly was planning to do that. But Bret had also asked Bischoff to hold off on the announcement and Bischoff had agreed. Vince knew about that too, but in recorded conversations with Bret (from the Wrestling With Shadows documentary), Vince didn't seem concerned since the word was already out and everyone knew Bret was leaving already. This just goes on and on. We all know the story already. Anyway, TL;DR - interesting show, but WWE's version of the story is bullshit. But we all knew that.
At the latest NJPW show, Antonio Inoki came out and cut a promo. He talked about being in attendance recently at the World Cup and said wrestling needs something like that. Inoki claimed he had put together a deal with WWE for a joint NJPW/WWE show to take place later in the year. Dave doesn't know if there's any truth to that story, but this is the first he's heard of it and he doesn't think it makes any sense for WWE so he's skeptical.
Usually in Japan, TV-Asahi airs the finals of NJPW's G1 Climax tournament live. But this year that may not happen, as they're looking at airing one of Inoki's MMA shows instead. This is a direct result of the terrible rating the recent Tokyo Dome show drew when it aired live. This company is struggling mightily lately.
Random news and notes: Inoki recently recruited a 23-year old Brazillian MMA fighter named Lyoto Machida to come to NJPW (he never really does anything in NJPW other than train at the dojo, but he had a long career in UFC and still fights for Bellator to this day). Dusty Rhodes is the new co-host of Turner South's Atlanta Braves pre-game show called "Hey The Braves Are Next!" Scott Hall will be working Insane Clown Posse's upcoming Gathering of the Juggalos event. Former WCW wrestler Evan Karagis recently filmed a role on the soap opera "Passions."
In the main event of FOX's Celebrity Boxing show, Chyna lost by decision to Joey Buttafuoco. Chyna's mystique of being a woman who only wants to compete with men got pretty much obliterated here, as the larger Buttafuoco manhandled her with ease for much of the match, which probably makes all those big tough wrestlers who sold for her feel kinda silly. But Buttafuoco came in as a hated heel to the audience and despite how she got pummeled, many people felt Buttafuoco was fighting dirty and cheating, so Chyna wasn't too hurt by it. She talked about wanting a rematch and Dave says if PRIDE really wants to break into the U.S. market, they could throw it onto one of their cards. Hey, this show did a really strong TV rating, maybe a rematch would be just the kind of freak-show attraction needed for PRIDE to get attention in the U.S. Nothing else they've tried has worked. Dave also suggests NWA-TNA could book it, but a worked wrestling match between the two probably wouldn't get as much media attention.

WATCH: Chyna vs. Joey Buttafuoco - Celebrity Boxing Match (2002)

Big Dick Dudley's ex-wife, former ECW valet Elektra, did an interview talking about his death. She said he'd had stomach pains all week and couldn't urinate. But didn't go to the doctor because he didn't think it was a big deal. Then at one point he got up to go to the bathroom but collapsed on the floor and died there on the spot. Jeez. At the time of his death, he had lost over 100 pounds from his peak weight of 320 in ECW several years ago.
Vince Russo is going to be writing a book about his time in WWF. Due to legal reasons and the ongoing lawsuit, it won't include much about his WCW tenure (I think he's written a book or two, but I've never read them, so if anyone has any insight, feel free to share).
Shaun Assael's book "Sex, Lies, & Headlocks: The Real Story of Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation" will be published next month and is getting strong early reviews. Dave has talked to several of the people who spoke with Assael for the book and some of them expect it to be good while others feel that Assael fell victim to the cons and charms of wrestlers who were working him. We shall see, says Dave.
The debut NWA-TNA PPV will feature some sort of tournament to crown a new NWA champion. Dan Severn is no longer the champion after not agreeing to work the show (he already had a prior MMA booking for that date in New Mexico). As a result, the NWA (which is now working with TNA) just stripped him of the belt, which is convenient because they didn't really want to use Severn anyway, so now they can do whatever they originally planned to do with the belt without having to book an excuse to get it off him. The Jarretts and this new promotion now have full control over both the NWA world and tag team titles.
Mike Tenay has been named the lead announcer for the new NWA-TNA promotion. They're also trying to get Lex Luger to appear for the debut show, but Dave thinks its unlikely since Luger is financially set for life and has shown no interest in doing any wrestling since WCW folded.
Jeff Jarrett had talks with Bret Hart about coming in to do a Team Canada gimmick. Latest Dave heard is that Hart isn't interested, but they may bring in some of the new generation of Harts for it. There's been talk of bringing in TJ Wilson, Harry Smith, and Teddy Hart as a new version of the group. Smith is still only 16 and it's way too early to put him on the national stage yet and in a lot of states, he wouldn't even legally be allowed to perform. Wilson is also a teenager, from a bad home who pretty much grew up as an honorary Hart member in the Hart household. And Teddy Hart is a natural in-ring performer who would already be in WWE if not for the fact that during his two training camp tryouts, he had behavioral incidents both times. But they're all talented and will likely be big stars in the future. Last time WWE was in Calgary, Vince McMahon personally requested to meet with all 3 of them for a private tryout, but it didn't amount to anything.
Little bit of a change in the WWF writing teams. Brian Gewertz is now the official head writer for Raw, while Paul Heyman is the lead writer for Smackdown. Stephanie McMahon will continue to oversee creative for both shows and, of course, Vince still has final say on everything. Dave expects this to result in Raw being a more comedic show while Smackdown will be the more serious in-ring product (pretty much, yeah. And thus, we have the official beginning of Heyman-era Smackdown and soon we'll see the birth of the Smackdown Six).
Notes from Raw: show opened with Chris Benoit making his unannounced return to a huge pop. Dave still expects Benoit to eventually be managed by Arn Anderson, which has been the plan for months (and never happens). That was actually the original plan before the NWO was brought in. If Benoit was healthy in time (which, turned out he wasn't so it didn't matter anyway), the original idea was Benoit vs. Austin at Wrestlemania 18 with Anderson managing Benoit. But that obviously all changed. Anyway, what else? Dave once again mentions that Jeff Hardy looks physically awful. He seems to know about Hardy's drug issues and seems to be hinting about it without saying it. Tommy Dreamer continued his gross gimmick by drinking Undertaker's tobacco spit. Lesnar beat Bubba Ray Dudley but had to sell a ton in the match and Dave doesn't get it. For a guy that they so clearly want to turn into a Goldberg-like star, selling for midcarders every week isn't how Goldberg got over. Jim Ross went on and on about how Lesnar has never been pinned, which Dave says is an insult to all the fans who have seen Lesnar do jobs at house shows. RVD beat Eddie Guerrero in a 20+ minute ladder match and Dave says it's the longest match on Raw in at least a year. Dave gives it 4 stars and considering how messy and sloppy it was, that shows you how good it was. Lots of dangerous spots, some botched moves, and most notably a moment when a fan ran into the ring and knocked over the ladder while Eddie was climbing up. Eddie and Earl Hebner started stomping the fan until security dragged him out. Still an awesome match though. And finally, Benoit returned at the end of the show and turned heel on Austin. Dave says Benoit actually isn't ready yet and isn't supposed to be back in the ring until July, but the company is so desperate for anything to give them a shot in the arm that they may have pulled the trigger on this angle early.

WATCH: Fan shoves Eddie Guerrero off the ladder

Notes from Smackdown: the only thing Dave talks about is the Hulk Hogan retirement angle they did and he's got mixed feelings on it. First the positive: he gives Hogan credit for being an absolutely incredible performer when the heat is on. And Hogan gave a tremendous performance in this and Dave doesn't let it go unrecognized. But then the negative: in the promo, Hogan talked at length about when his dad was dying, he was basically expressionless except for Monday and Thursday nights when he'd watch WWF and his face would light up. So Hogan said his dad's last words were he wanted to see his son return to the WWF. So that's all sweet and nice, right? Weeeeeell....Hogan has told a different version of this story in the past. In previous interviews, Hogan said his dad was disgusted by what wrestling had become and he wanted Hogan to "clean it up." The idea that he was laying in the hospital and only coming to life when his beloved WWF was on doesn't exactly jibe with what Hogan has said before. And no matter what the truth is, Dave is uncomfortable Hogan using his dead dad as a way to get this storyline over, but hey, he ain't the first and won't be the last.
WWE's first show in Hawaii in probably 15 years is scheduled for later this month. Rock is scheduled to work the show and tickets sold out 2 hours after they went on sale. While we're at it, the Australia show in August also sold out the 47,000-seat Colonial Stadium in Melbourne in only 4 days. Once they scale the stadium for production, they plan to open up more seats.
It's "basically a sure thing" that Hogan vs. Vince McMahon will be one of the top matches at Summerslam. How they get there seems to change weekly. There's been talks of having Hogan take time off after King of the Ring and return for the Vince match at Summerslam. There's also been talk of him sticking around through the entire summer. So who knows? (Ended up being a mixture of both: Hogan stuck around the entire summer, but then he did an angle to get written off TV right before Summerslam. And he didn't come back until early 2003. And, of course, we got the Hogan/Vince match at Wrestlemania)
More info on the incident from a couple weeks ago where Kevin Nash and X-Pac reportedly threw a fit and got the script changed. They were told by writer Ed Koskey what the plans were for them on the show. Nash and X-Pac didn't like it, especially X-Pac since it involved him doing 2 jobs during the same show. X-Pac said he was quitting and told Nash he'd meet him in the car. Nash told Shane McMahon he'd go calm X-Pac down and straighten everything out. Nash and X-Pac came back, had meetings with Shane and Jim Ross, and then later with Koskey and Brian Gewertz (who wrote the show). They managed to convince the writers to change it more to their liking. Nash was also upset about how Ric Flair went on TV and said he'd fired Scott Hall. Nash didn't like the idea of Flair on TV being able to hire and fire people from their NWO, because that kinda takes away from the idea of the NWO as an autonomous, outsider group that doesn't play by WWE's rules. So that's why Nash was able to go out on TV on this night and cut the promo about how Flair doesn't control the NWO. Of course, Hall is still gone, so I guess he still does. Anyway, both Nash and X-Pac were pissed over all this and caused a scene, especially X-Pac, to the point others in the locker room wondered why they weren't disciplined instead of being given their way. But if you wonder that, you clearly ain't been paying attention to Nash over the years. Anyway, X-Pac still did the job in the Hardyz match, but not in the second match.
Random news: house shows in Alexandria and Baton Rouge, LA were both canceled this weekend due to low ticket sales. Shit's selling out in record time in Australia and Hawaii, but they can't give tickets away in Louisiana apparently. Undertakers hips were both banged up after the Hogan match at the PPV but he continued working, although he was limited (and years later, he'd have to get major surgery on both those hips). At Raw in Edmonton, Ric Flair was getting huge pops and "woo!" chants for him before the show started, so they filmed a backstage segment where he told Arn Anderson how much he hates Edmonton so they would boo him when he came out live. Lance Cade won the HWA title from Johnny the Bull down in developmental. WWF was pushing the city of Edmonton to present Benoit with the key to the city on Raw, but Edmonton wasn't so keen on the idea. And finally, during a bikini contest at the house show in Winnipeg, Ivory's top got pulled down, exposing her boob, much to the delight of many in the crowd.
Remember how MTV's The Osbournes was the only show routinely beating Raw in the cable ratings? That's changing. The Osbournes is over for the season, but this week, Raw fell to #4 behind the Lakers/Spurs NBA playoff game and 2 different episodes of SpongeBob. Patrick's a draw, brother.
Raven has been doing commentary on Sunday Night Heat, but he recently asked to be removed from it because he feels like it hurts his wrestling character. Dave thinks this is pretty risky. Raven as a wrestler is probably nearing the end of his shelf-life and lord knows WWE hasn't shown any desire to push him. And he was actually pretty fantastic at commentary. So giving up a safe job that he was excelling at for one that WWE doesn't really seem to see any value in him for seems like a good way to find yourself on the chopping block next time they decide to get rid of some people (yup, he'll be gone from the company in another 7 months or so). For what it's worth though, this isn't the first time Raven has been in this situation. Back in the 90s, he was a manager and commentator in WWF then too, under the name Johnny Polo. But when they weren't interested in using him as a wrestler, he quit the company and reinvented himself in ECW as Raven. Sometimes you gotta bet on yourself.
Jim Ross has a weekly WWE.com article where he usually just shares all the latest injuries everyone has. This leads Dave on a bit of a tangent when Ross wrote about how Triple H has a fractured patella. The injury was diagnosed by Dr. James Andrews in Birmingham and Andrews told Triple H to be careful with it, but he could continue wrestling as long as he can take the pain. Basically one of the world's top sports doctors saying, "Yeah you've got a broken knee, but throw some dirt on it, you'll be fine." It's no wonder so many of these guys end up on pain pills rather than getting the medical treatment they need.
Also in his article, Jim Ross admitted that the WWE is not doing a good job lately of providing a product the fans want to see. Dave thinks that's just about as strong a statement he's heard on the current state of WWE from someone so high up within the company. Ross admitted they need to create new rivalries, elevate new young talent, and effectively introduce new stars. However, Ross also blamed the economy and the abnormally high number of injuries everyone is dealing with right now for part of the problems too. Dave says the economy may play a small role in the declining live event and PPV numbers, but usually when the economy is in the toilet, TV ratings go up because people are staying home more. Not the case here. Injuries, yes that's a problem for sure. But the core of all WWE's problems right now comes down to the simple fact that the show pretty much sucks. And at least someone high up in the office seems to finally be publicly admitting it.
Tough Enough 2 is down to the final four. Dave talks about how Jackie Gayda is now the sentimental favorite because she tore her ACL during the show but has still refused to quit, which opened a lot of eyes on her. Speaking of Tough Enough, in a WCW-like comedy of errors, they aired a promo for next week's episode before the current episode was finished, thus spoiling who the final 4 were going to be, before it was revealed on the show people were watching.
The WWF Forceable Entry album has sold around 364,000 copies total since its release. But it's actually considered a pretty huge failure because WWF had to pay so much money in fees and up front advances to the various artists on the album, and they're nowhere close to recouping that cost. (The album eventually sells over 500,000 and goes gold but still a flop).

NEXT WEDNESDAY: A look at the dismal state of WWE in 2002, Tough Enough II finale, Riki Choshu's departure from NJPW, Dave reviews several new wrestling books, and more...

Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ May 13, 2002


1-7-2002	1-14-2002	1-21-2002	1-28-2002
2-4-2002	2-11-2002	2-18-2002	2-25-2002
3-4-2002	3-11-2002	3-18-2002	3-25-2002
4-1-2002	4-8-2002	4-15-2002	4-22-2002
4-29-2002	5-6-2002

Okay, look, here's the deal. The obituaries, as sad as they are, contain some of Dave's best work. But good lord, they are looooooooooong. And they never contain anything newsworthy that is relevant to 2002 or anything. But they're always super interesting from a historical perspective. But last week, Dave wrote a brief obit for Lou Thesz (only 5,000 words, ahem) and promised to go into more detail this week. So this week, we open with a 16,000+ word obituary for Lou Thesz and I just can't. Sorry. It's really good though, you should all go read it. But I've got, like, a family and a job and responsibilities and stuff. I can't recap this. It's an incredible piece of work though.
The World Wrestling Federation is no more. On May 5th, the company unveiled its new name, World Wrestling Entertainment. Dave recaps the history of the company briefly (was originally called "World Wide Wrestling Federation, or WWWF, until 1979 when it was shortened to WWF, which is has remained for the past 23 years). But as of this week, the company has been rebranded to WWE. The website domain was changed to WWE.com and all references to "WWF" were changed to "WWE." The scratch logo was also changed, with the F being removed, so now it simply looks like "WW" (which, honestly, never really did make much sense to me. Even though the logo has changed, it's still "WW" to this day). Anyway, this all stems from the World Wildlife Fund lawsuit over in the UK, in which the WWE lost every court case and appeal. They were planning to appeal the ruling in the UK's highest court, their final last-ditch effort to save their name, but the reality is, they weren't going to win that case. Vince McMahon and the company blatantly and repeatedly violated the agreement they signed in 1994. It was 1000% obvious they were in the wrong here and they had gotten spanked by every single court before, often losing their appeals by unanimous decisions. So they weren't going to win this final appeal either and they knew it. So they dropped the appeal and threw in the towel and finally agreed to just change the name. The WWE has until May 15th to remove all references to "WWF" from their shows and merchandise. Any merch with "WWF" on it can no longer be sold after that date. All video packages and posters will have to be changed and any "WWF" mention or logos after that time on television or in past footage will have to be censored. Last year, during the court case, the WWE claimed it would cost them more than $50 million to change their name and to deal with all the legal and rebranding headaches that come with it. But this week, they backtacked on that and said it wouldn't be that expensive after all. Who knows if that's true, but the idea of this costing $50 million was enough to make the shareholders shit themselves, so Dave says they claimed it won't cost that much in order to keep the stock from plummeting. Anyway, none of this had to happen. In 1994, Vince McMahon and the Wildlife Fund signed an agreement that the wrestling company would not use the "WWF" name for promoting itself outside of the U.S. (since the Wildlife group is based overseas) and that worked well for a year or two. But then Vince McMahon apparently decided, "Meh, who cares about agreements?" and began repeatedly and blatantly violating it, constantly, for years, at which point the Wildlife group finally got upset enough to file a lawsuit. Anyway, on the first Raw since the name change, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler repeatedly stumbled over the new initials, accidentally saying "WWF" multiple times. Gonna take time for everyone to get used to calling it the new name.
The buyrates for Wrestlemania 18 are in and it appears the event will have to settle for being the #2 biggest money show in wrestling history after it came up short and failed to surpass Wrestlemania 17. Final numbers aren't in yet, but latest estimates put it somewhere around the 800,000 buys range (ended up being about 880,000) which is quite a bit down from WM17. It was also #2 in total revenue from live gate and merch. Internally, it's actually being seen as something of a disappointment because with the power of the Hogan/Rock dream match, they were hopeful this show would top 1 million buys but unless something drastic changes with these buyrate numbers, it looks like the final total will be a good bit short of that.
NJPW's latest Tokyo Dome show is in the books. The show drew a sellout crowd of 57,000 fans, there to see the Masahiro Chono vs. Mitsuharu Misawa dream main event (which ended up going to a 30-minute draw). It was the biggest non-Jan. 4 crowd NJPW has drawn to the Dome in 2 years. So that's the good news. The bad news is that the show flopped in the ratings on TV. A big part of that is because the Chono/Misawa match didn't air as part of the show (due to the Asahi-TV/Nippon TV network issues discussed in past issues) so the televised show was built around the Shinya Hashimoto/Naoya Ogawa vs. Scott Norton/Hiroyoshi Tenzan match and man, the fans sure didn't seem to give a fuck about that. In fact, the rating was so bad that there's concern that this will be the end of pro wrestling on prime time TV in Japan for the foreseeable future. But there are justifiable reasons for the rating. The show went head-to-head with the Kirin Cup soccer tournament, which was a huge deal and did more than double the rating the NJPW show did. Unlike the U.S., wrestling and "real" sports in Japan have a major crossover audience, so having real sports competition severely hurt NJPW's show. Also, while Ogawa is a draw as a singles star, putting him in a tag match against Norton and Tenzan isn't exactly setting the world on fire. The show lasted 6 hours, which was way too long and the crowd was burned out before Misawa vs. Chono even started.
Other notes from the NJPW show: it opened with an hour long 30th anniversary ceremony. They had a 10-bell salute for Lou Thesz and brought out a bunch of legendary NJPW names from the 70s and 80s. Then they did an angle where Antonio Inoki came out to give a speech, but he was attacked by Tiger Jeet Singh. But then Chyna made the save, attacking Singh, running him out of the ring, and challenging him to a match. Inoki's ex-wife, famous Japanese actress Mitsuko Baisho then made an appearance, getting a huge pop, and she and Inoki did his famous catch phrase to kick off the show. Minoru Suzuki of Pancrase (who started with NJPW as a pro wrestler) was also there. Jushin Ligher and Minoru Tanaka won the IWGP Jr. tag titles and then Liger challenged several NOAH wrestlers who were at ringside (most notably KENTA) and they all jumped in the ring and it ended with a staredown. The Steiner Brothers reunited to face Hiroshi Tanahashi and Kensuke Sasaki, with Chyna as the special referee. Tanahashi was working hurt, but he still worked. They did a spot where Tanahashi ran into Chyna and he went down off the bump instead of her and Dave seems annoyed by this since Tanahashi is a guy they really need to be pushing who can be a huge star for this company. Dave doesn't like him selling bumps for Chyna. Anyway, decent match but the Steiners basically steamrolled them and Tanahashi was pinned by Scott Steiner. Chyna then challenged several All Japan Women at ringside as well as Scott Steiner, Tanahashi, Sasaki, and even IWGP champion Yuji Nagata, saying she wanted a title match. Dave thinks this company has lost its damn mind. Speaking of Nagata, he retained his title in the next match. And then, of course, the main event. Usually during interpromotional matches, the crowd is always super pro-NJPW but this time, they went insane for Misawa and it was clear there were a ton of NOAH fans in the building. Chono did some Inoki moves and Misawa did some Great Baba moves, to kinda have a spiritual "Baba vs. Inoki" tribute in the match I guess. Ended in a draw and by the time it was over, no matter how big the dream match was, the crowd was burned out and weren't as hype for the match as you might expect once the entrances were done.

WATCH: Misawa vs. Chono highlights

Goldberg has received a full buy-out of his WCW contract from Time Warner and as of this week, he is now an unsigned free agent. Goldberg did not request the buy-out, the decision was made by the Time Warner side after the most unprofitable quarter in their history. The company was looking to cut expenses, even at a loss, just so the books can look better in future quarters. Goldberg reportedly received almost all of his remaining salary (more than 90% of the nearly $3 million he was still owed) in order to get him off their books. When Goldberg realized he's going to be a free agent a year earlier than expected, talks with WWE started up. But as usual, they went nowhere. WWE (I feel like I'm having to get used to typing that all over again. Really does feel like 2002 again) has interest in him, especially given the way ratings continue to plummet lately. But Goldberg has always wanted more than WWE is willing to pay. Plus, they're feeling burned right now after signing Hall and Nash to big money, long-term contracts for part-time work, only to have Nash get injured and Hall likely to get himself fired at any moment (that moment is coming sooner than you think), and neither of them really getting over in any meaningful way. Even Hogan, who is also making big money for a reduced schedule, was hot for a minute and boosted ratings and buyrates. But after only a few months, that train already seems to be out of steam and TV ratings are back to floundering with Hogan as champion leading the shows. So WWE is kinda gun-shy on opening the checkbook and paying out the ass for these big stars, futilely hoping that one of them is the quick-fix that can stop the bleeding.
There's also the question of how Goldberg would fit within the WWE locker room. He hasn't been shy about his dislike for Triple H, dating back to WCW when Triple H trashed Goldberg in a radio interview and saying that even if Goldberg was available, they wouldn't want him (which, at the time, when WCW was still alive and Goldberg was the biggest star in the company, is just about the dumbest thing he could have said. In 1998, WWF would have gladly traded 10 Triple H's for Goldberg). Anyway, Goldberg took the comment personally and even confronted Triple H face-to-face at the Toy Fair convention in New York a couple of years ago, in a bit of an ugly scene where Goldberg was yelling at him and Triple H and Stephanie kept their heads down and said nothing. Goldberg also has a lot of dislike for Scott Hall, which is another of Triple H's good friends, so ya know. The latest on Goldberg is that he's considering working some in Japan but he's just fielding offers right now. Word is he's interested in working with PRIDE as well as NJPW. Of course, if he's looking to maximize his money potential, WWE is still the place to go if you want to make big bucks. If promoted right, matches against Rock, Austin, Triple H, and others could do huge buyrates. And if they keep Goldberg and Austin apart for a year and build to a match with them at Wrestlemania, well, needless to say, that show would set records. Dave talks about how Goldberg got nuclear hot in 1998 and even in 1999, he was the biggest drawing wrestler in the business. But by 2000, the company was dying, Goldberg was injured, and "Jesus Chris with an Etch-a-Sketch" couldn't have drawn in WCW. Dave again does the math and talks about how WWE should have brought Goldberg in for the Invasion angle. Yes, it would have cost them a lot of money and upset the salary structure, but he would have more than made up for it with the kind of buyrates he could have drawn with those dream matches and the Invasion angle might have had a chance. But alas.
And of course, who's to say how WWE would use Goldberg? They already have Brock Lesnar and they're currently giving him the unstoppable monster push. Lesnar is bigger, younger, and a more legitimate athlete (for whatever that's worth). And WWE probably isn't going to give Goldberg an endless string of jobbers to beat. In WWE, he's going to be expected to work longer matches, sell for people, etc. They won't book him the way WCW did so who knows how he'd get over in WWE? If they wanted to build to an Austin/Goldberg match, it would make sense that Goldberg first has to plow through guys like Triple H, Undertaker, etc. And politically, that just ain't gonna happen. Dave doubts NJPW can afford him for anything more than one or two big shows. As for PRIDE, he could probably make a lot of money there, but the problem is.....PRIDE is a shoot. They haven't had "worked" matches in a couple of years and doing so now would kill their credibility. Which means Goldberg would have to go into a legit shoot and one embarrassing loss there would severely hurt his future earning potential. In the end, Dave thinks it's inevitable that Goldberg will end up in WWE, but probably not any time soon. But he's certain it will eventually happen. There's too much money on the line for both sides and WWE's ratings woes are making them desperate, so it'll happen some day (yup, less than a year from this).
And the moment is here! For those of you who had "under 3 months" in the "How long will Scott Hall last?" pool, come collect your prize. Scott Hall was released by the WWE this week due to misbehavior on the European tour. Firstly, he went on a drunken binge during the entire tour and was even worse on the plane ride home (much more on that in a bit). Dave says this was inevitable. WCW fired him. Even ECW stopped using him when he got arrested at one point. And even though he was seemingly behaving during his Japan tours, even NJPW cut ties with him shortly before he went back to WWE because they were fed up with some of his antics. And now WWE has fired him. Dave talks about how Hall made a drunken spectacle of himself in the locker room on his very first day back in WWE, before the NWO even debuted on TV, then he showed up in Toronto for Wrestlemania in no condition to perform (later came out that he was hungover from the night before), which caused Austin to insist on ending their feud at WM (which was the plan, but Dave says Austin has continued working with Hall afterwards simply because they don't really seem to have any other credible opponents for him). Hall's match with Bradshaw at Backlash was an embarrassment and the night before that show, agents had to help him back to his hotel. Just endless incidents like this. In Europe, Hall was such a blatant drunken mess that even the other wrestlers were calling for him to be fired. Hall was 45 minutes late for the bus they all took to London and then passed out in the locker room during the show. On the plane ride back, he was starting fights with people and eventually passed out and it got to the point that people were worried about his health. When they got back to the U.S. for Raw, they literally had to wake him up from a drunken stupor backstage to send him to the ring to do his segment (and yes, he wrestled). After the show, they fired him. No one came to his defense, and even Hall's closest friends are now admitting that he simply can't handle the pressures of being on the road and being released is the best thing for him right now. Dave talks about how a lot of wrestlers have been fired in the last couple of years for drug and alcohol issues and that's all well and good, but the big problem is why hire them in the first place? Scott Hall's issues were not a secret. It wasn't like he cleaned himself up before he came to WWE. He was getting in trouble and collecting arrests like Pokemon all the way up until the day they brought him back. Anyway, Hall had a 2-year deal, believed to be worth $600,000-per-year downside for only 10 dates per month. So a really sweet deal, but it's gone now.
Hey, speaking of that European tour, turns out there was a bit of trouble on the flight back to the U.S. Perhaps you've heard of it. Most of the trouble wasn't even due to Scott Hall. Turns out Vince McMahon didn't make the trip and lots of people decided that was a good reason to cut loose and have fun. Plus, since everyone has seen Hall get away with being drunk 24/7 for the last few months, they figured nobody would get in trouble. So....folks got DRUNK. Among the various incidents on this flight: Goldust got on the speaker system and began drunkenly serenading his ex-wife Terri with love songs. Terri was extremely uncomfortable and begged him to stop and then Jim Ross had to go sit him down. Ric Flair also "started to get wild" but Jim Ross calmed him down as well (Dave doesn't seem to know just yet exactly what Flair "getting wild" entailed, but if you don't know, it involved getting totally naked except for his robe and started helicoptering his dick at flight attendants. And it gets worse if you feel like researching it. The flight attendants later filed a lawsuit against Flair and accused him of sexual assault). Curt Hennig was spraying people with shaving cream and he kept trying to get Brock Lesnar to fight him. Lesnar, being a newcomer, didn't know how to handle it and didn't want to get in trouble, but he ain't gonna let Hennig talk shit to him either. So anyway, Lesnar got up and basically annihilated Hennig, repeatedly taking him to the ground and embarrassing him because, well, of course he did. It's Brock Lesnar. At one point, Lesnar slammed Hennig up against the side of the plane, right into the emergency exit door, which freaked everybody out for obvious reasons. Michael Hayes got into a scuffle with Bradshaw and then tried to pick a fight with Hall (although everyone on the plane said Hall had it coming). Anyway, Hayes was apparently obnoxious as hell and annoyed everyone. But then he made the mistake of falling asleep and someone (believed to be X-Pac) cut his hair off. When Hayes woke up, he was furious and tried to fight several people. The next day at the Raw tapings, his entire mullet was in a plastic bag, pinned to the wall of the locker room for everyone to see. Gerald Brisco, Arn Anderson, and Hayes all caught a ton of heat from Vince afterward since they were the people who were supposed to be in charge. Anderson and Hayes especially, since their jobs are to keep the boys under control, but they were apparently having just as much fun as everyone else. Everyone's waiting to see how Vince is going to handle this situation. As noted, Hall was already fired and Hayes got an earful from Vince, Stephanie, and JR at Raw the next day, but there will likely be more fallout. Undertaker was also said to be furious over how out of hand everything got (I'm sure we haven't heard the last of this).
Anyway, while they were in Europe, WWE presented its latest UK PPV, Insurexxtion. As usual with the UK PPVs, this was little more than a glorified house show. They announced the show as sold out, but there were empty seats everywhere. RVD vs. Eddie Guerrero for the IC title was the show-stealer according to every report Dave heard, and was said to be far better than their Backlash match. Brock Lesnar teamed with Shawn Stasiak (lol wut) and lost to the Hardyz. Brock beat up everybody after the match. Triple H beat Undertaker in the main event and Dave doesn't know why since Undertaker is the one challenging Hogan for the title at the next PPV. The top rope broke during the match when they did an Irish whip into the corner and when the rope snapped, a metal piece broke off from the corner and flew into the crowd and barely missed hitting a small child in the face.
Smackdown on 5/2 drew the all-time lowest rating in the history of the show. Dave says that's the scariest thing to happen to WWF in the past 5 years. It was also the 3rd lowest rating for any Smackdown or Raw dating back to 1998. The rating was a full 18% drop from the week before, which was already scary. The rating was even lower than previous holiday episodes. So what was the problem? Well, it was headlined by Hogan defending the WWF title against Chris Jericho (as it turns out, the final time the "WWF" title was ever defended). Dave says the title has been meaningless for years now and Hogan's steam is running out. And Jericho hasn't recovered from spending the first part of the year being emasculated and playing second fiddle to Stephanie McMahon in the Wrestlemania feud. Add all that together and you've got a recipe for a shit ratings night. Among other things. Dave isn't blaming this all on Hogan and Jericho by any means, there's a lot of problems with the company as of late, from bad storylines to failing to make new stars, and it's all starting to come home to roost.
Keiji Muto wrestled a match in AJPW under his alternate gimmick of Kokushi Muso. Turns out "Great Muta" isn't his only other persona. The Kokushi Muso gimmick is basically like Hakushi in WWF, where he's covered his entire body in Japanese writing. He originally debuted the gimmick in Michinoku Pro last year, when teaming with....Hakushi (Jinsei Shinzaki, who occasionally brought back the old Hakushi gimmick in Japan). Anyway, same thing here. He teamed with Hakushi for this match, while using that gimmick (Muto would use that gimmick a handful of times throughout the years, always when teaming with Hakushi. It's like that was only his gimmick for that team. The last time he used it was in 2009, also in a tag match with Hakushi).
Former NOAH Jr. champion Naomichi Marufuji underwent knee surgery this week and should be out around 6 months (ends up being 9 months).
NJPW is doing an angle (according to Dave) similar to the Vince/Flair angle last year where Antonio Inoki and Masahiro Chono are battling over control of the company. Although it's more realistic. Inoki is in the press talking about how many of NJPW's shows aren't doing well and is pushing for them to use Naoya Ogawa more, while Chono doesn't want to. Inoki is also saying Chono needs to retire from wrestling and focus his energies on managing the day-to-day business of the promotion full-time. Dave says this is an angle, but it doesn't sound like much of one to me, and I think later years have kinda proven there was a lot of blurring between fiction and reality here, because there was a ton of behind the scenes turmoil in NJPW during this period.
Will Smith appeared alongside Antonio Inoki at the Japanese movie premiere for the film "Ali" based on Muhammad Ali's life. Crowd went absolutely insane for Inoki (I've tried like hell and can't even find a picture of them together. But then again, I can't find a single pic from the premiere at all).
When reviewing the recent Dos Caras Jr. shoot fight in Japan, Dave talks about the guy's potential as a wrestler. He has a strong amateur background, legit shoot skills, and a famous name. Dave thinks, if he's even halfway a decent worker, he can almost be a guaranteed star in Mexico (based on his name alone) and probably Japan too, if he decides to pursue that career (indeed he did, and indeed, he was fairly decent at it. Of course, he later became Alberto Del Rio, accused rapist and pretty much confirmed all-around piece of shit).
Former long-time WCW referee Randy Anderson passed away this week after a long battle with testicular cancer. Back when WCW was still around and he first got diagnosed, they did an angle out of it where Eric Bischoff fired him and then laughed at his wife and kids when they begged him to give Anderson his back. Of course, he was later re-hired when Flair became on-screen commissioner and continued to referee until 1999 when the cancer forced him to retire.
Random news and notes: Bobby Heenan is said to be in good spirits and is especially excited because WWE recently contacted him about doing a WWE Magazine feature on him. Verne Gagne's wife Mary passed away from cancer this week. Goldberg will be appearing on this week's Wrestling Observer Live show to be interviewed. Mil Mascaras is releasing an autobiography (in Spanish of course) and man, I'd love to find an English translation of that because I bet it'd be interesting. Chyna appeared on "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" this past week.

WATCH: Chyna on Sabrina The Teenage Witch

Bruno Sammartino turned down an invitation to attend the Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame ceremony in New York (yes, that HOF existed and still does, in a different city now). Bruno did an interview with the local paper and said "Wrestling is how I made my living and supported my family, but it's over. I don't want anything to do with it anymore." Bruno managed to turn the discussion to the WWE, despite them not having any affiliation with this HOF and grumbled about how Vince McMahon blocked him from being inducted into the Madison Square Garden Hall of Fame. However, the new MSG owners have apparently promised Bruno he'll be inducted this year, since he sold the place out 200 times (Dave jumps in here to correct it and says the real number of sellouts is closer to 45. Bruno only main evented the Garden 127 times and by no means were they all sell-outs. But it's one of those myths that has been perpetuated for so long that Dave begrudgingly recognizes that people are always going to believe the 200 number is true, but it's not even close. He compares it to the claim that Andre The Giant was 7'4, which also wasn't true but people repeated the lie so often that it became accepted as fact).
Afa Anoa'i Jr., the son of the legendary Wild Samoan, is a star football player at his high school and is being recruited for Penn State. He also sometimes wrestles on his father's indie shows (that would be Manu, who was very briefly part of Legacy with Orton, Dibiase Jr., and Cody).
Former WCW announcer Scott Hudson will be doing commentary for Jerry Jarrett's new promotion, and Bob Ryder is said to be in a major front office position.
Jarrett has put out a press release saying that his new promotion has had talks with Randy Savage and Ultimate Warrior. Word is Warrior wanted a 15% ownership stake in the new company, which pretty much ended those talks right there. They're also apparently interested in Scott Hall now too, with the idea that since they're only doing 1 show per week, he won't be a screw-up here. Dave is skeptical. Anyway, currently Road Dogg and Brian Christopher expected to be some of the company's top stars and Dave's not optimistic.
XWF wrestlers were told last week that a television deal should hopefully be finalized this week. But Dave has been told no chance it's happening that soon. The rumors are that the deal is either with the FX or Fox Kids networks. Ted Turner had inquired about buying this promotion a few months ago, but when he learned how much it would cost to get them off the ground and make them competitive, he lost interest (TV deal never materializes, company is already dead, etc. etc.).
The Scorpion King slipped to 2nd place this week, falling to the new Spider Man movie which did a record breaking $114 million opening weekend. Randy Savage has a small role in that movie.
Speaking of, The Rock worked his first match in about a month at a Fort Lauderdale house show, teaming with Hogan to beat Jericho and Angle. After the match, Hogan tried to get Rock to pose with him, but Rock wouldn't do it. Rock thanked the fans for the success of Scorpion King and said it would likely be his last match for awhile. There was a ton of local media there, but Rock didn't talk to any of them. Basically, the house show was in his neck of the woods and he simply decided to show up and work it just so he could see his friends and hang out with the locker room, he had no interest in doing interviews. He was just there because he wanted to be. Backstage, Rock was telling people that Hollywood higher-ups have told him he has to leave the wrestling business if he wants to be taken seriously as an actor. Those in the company feel it's a certainty that Rock really is leaving and he's likely going to break out of wrestling into Hollywood and actually become a rare success story (yeah, you could say that).
Look how long this is already. Imagine if I had covered that Lou Thesz obituary in full. JUST IMAGINE!
Notes from Raw: Dave compares it to an episode of Thunder, with the crowd half-dead for everything. Also, the roster was exhausted after just returning from the Europe trip (and the plane ride shenanigans) and that was apparent too. Brock Lesnar won his match via pinfall instead of the usual ref stoppage and Dave says that word is Triple H got in Vince's ear and convinced him to end the ref stoppage gimmick for Brock. Sure, why not? Hogan was supposed to ride off on Undertaker's bike at one point, but then the motorcycle wouldn't start. It was one of those awkward live-TV moments where time stood still and nobody knew what to do. Flair finally turned heel on Austin, to a shocking lack of heat from the crowd. Nash returned, etc. Dave recaps the rest of this show and it sounds like a lot of bad WCW stuff, coincidentally enough with a lot of the same people.

WATCH: Hogan can't start the motorcycle

The man who played the effeminate gay guy applying to be Vince McMahon's secretary on Smackdown a few weeks ago was new creative team member David Lagana. He recently joined the company and has written for several other TV shows, including "Friends" and has a strong knowledge of the industry (Dave says if you've been reading the Observer closely for the last few years, you're probably familiar with him, he's written in to Dave a lot over the years).
Dave goes on a brief rant about how to use older stars. In the past, everyone, even Vince McMahon, talked about how you should use guys like Hogan and Flair in small doses and how WCW's reliance on older stars like that is what made them less special. Dave talks about back in the day in Memphis, Jackie Fargo would come back once or twice a year and he was always the biggest star in the company when he did. Because he was used sparingly. But WWE has pretty much built its company around Hogan and Flair (and to a lesser extent, Vince and Undertaker) over the last few months and they've been totally overexposed because of it. Just 6 weeks ago, Hulk Hogan was getting some of the largest crowd reactions in the history of the business. Now, he and Undertaker are practically hearing crickets during their on-screen interactions.
Lita underwent neck surgery this week and isn't allowed to do anything physical for 9 months. Scotty 2 Hotty also had neck surgery and is expected to be out for about a year. Both are expected to make full recoveries though.
Jesse Ventura admitted this week that he received WWF stock options as partial payment for some work he did with them. Dave doesn't know if it's related to the Summerslam appearance a few years ago or the XFL announcing gig. Ventura says he has 10 years to exercise those stock options but wouldn't give any further details.
Scott Steiner told WWA he will work their next UK tour but after that, he's going to WWE. Dave is skeptical. Reports are that Steiner was in horrible pain after every match he worked on the last WWA tour and there's significant doubt that his body will hold up to a WWE schedule.
The new Steve Austin "What!" DVD has a lot of WCW footage, including the full Austin vs. Steamboat match from WCW Bash at the Beach 94. Dave doesn't say so, but I believe this is the first time WWE used any of the WCW library for commercial release after they purchased it the year before.
Someone writes in and asks Dave to stop spending so much time writing about steroid use in wrestling and instead says he should write a story about racism in the business. This person writes about the allegations from years back of Dusty Rhodes using the N-work with impunity, or the time DX parodied the Nation by wearing blackface. The WCW discrimination lawsuit, the embarrassing angles they've done with Mark Henry such as Sexual Chocolate, etc. This guy is asking why is it white wrestlers outnumber black wrestlers by 35-to-1 ratio in the U.S. (70-to-1 in Mexico and 80-to-1 in Japan). He wants to know why Dave isn't writing about that stuff. Dave responds and agrees that the blackface DX promo was racist, and it was racist when Buff Bagwell did it in WCW and when Roddy Piper did it in the 80s. Dave says wrestling, especially from the 70s through the 90s, had a horrible history of exploiting stereotypes and/or saying and doing racist things. You can argue it's gotten better, but no doubt the problem still exists. Dave lists some examples but he also pushes back on some others. For example, he's heard people complain that Booker T isn't being used properly due to his race and Dave disagrees. It's true that Booker T probably deserves a bigger push, but you can make the same case for guys like RVD and Jericho and Raven or DDP (when he first debuted, at least) and that didn't happen either, so Dave doesn't necessarily think Booker's lack of top-star push can be blamed on his race (we're less than a year away from Triple H definitively proving otherwise).
There's also 2 letters about the Rock/Hogan match at Wrestlemania and they couldn't be more different. One guy writes in and he can't understand why people are praising that match because if you put aside the hot crowd, it was awful, everyone's moves looked bad, it was embarrassing, etc. and says Hogan should have retired afterward. Then someone else writes in and says he was there live and, taken as a whole, Rock vs. Hogan was the greatest match he's ever seen. Basically the same "love it or hate it" opinion people have about that match to this day. Also, someone else writes in about the recent Low-Ki vs. American Dragon match from an ROH show and puts it up there among some of the greatest matches of all time (listing off several classic WWF matches like Shawn/Razor and Owen/Bret at WM10 for example). So there ya go.

NEXT WEDNESDAY: more fallout from the Plane Ride from Hell, more on the beginning of Jarrett's new NWA-TNA promotion, more on the NJPW Tokyo Dome show, and more...

League Winner Alert: Draft Mike Evans, TB's New TB TD King

The Man:

Mike Evans, 26-year-old outside receiver going into his seventh season for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Current ADP #23 (ECR #21) on FantasyPros, WR8 on Yahoo, WR7 on ESPN (PPR).

The Myth:

Mike Evans, who was successful as the deep threat for former QB Jameis “YOLO” Winston, will SUFFER from new QB Tom Brady’s inability to make deep throws and penchant for short passes to breakout slot receiver Chris Godwin.

The Legend:

Mike Evans, king of jump-ball bombs and contested catches, will THRIVE as an WR1 from TB12’s accurate long throws and efficient red-zone looks, and will be the Bucs leading pass-catcher in fantasy points.

Justifying the Hype:

Mike Evans is currently being disrespected with a lower ADP than his slotty counterpart, Chris Godwin, who exploded last year as the league’s overall WR2. Now that reckless gunslinger Jameis Winston has been replaced with soft-lipped boomer Tom Brady, the expectation is that Godwin will prosper from TB’s "dink-and-dunk" short passes, while Evans will be a forgotten part of the offense due to the lack of desperate Hail Mary’s from TB's apparently disintegrating arm. However, that could not be further from the case. Evans may be inconsistent each week, but he has always been – and will continue to be – a guaranteed WR1 producer that will prove to benefit from Brady's improved accuracy and higher football IQ. To answer some of the questions lowering his perceived value:
CAN HIS NEW QB, TOM BRADY, SUPPORT A BIG-BODIED DEEP THREAT/RED-ZONE RECEIVER?
He’s already done it before – Brady has a well-documented (but quickly forgotten) history of success throwing to tall, big-bodied receivers…especially in the endzone. His love affair for these big boys first started when Randy Moss was fatefully traded to New England in 2007. Prior to the trade, Moss was fading away with career lows in Oakland. How did his first season with Brady go? He resurged his already legendary career by catching 98 passes for an astounding 1,493 yards and 23 touchdowns, becoming the new (and still!) record holder for most TD receptions in a single season. In fantasy terms, he averaged an incredible 21 fantasy points per game (ppg) in half ppr!
Moss had a great tenure with the Pats - even with Brady’s injured 2008 season - until their eventual breakup in the middle of the 2010 season. Brady rebounded his lost red-zone connection with a childlike ogre named Rob Gronkowski. And boy oh boy was Tom able to move on quickly. Gronk had a great first year with Brady, especially considering how notoriously difficult it is for rookie pass catchers to excel during their first year, particularly so for Tight Ends. Despite only starting 11 games, Gronk caught 42 passes for 546 yards & 10 TDs. He followed that with his best year to date: 90 catches for a spectacular 1,327 yards and 17 TDs, averaging 17.9 ppg. Brady would continue to feed Gronk with quality targets and touchdowns to make him an annual first round pick and one of the top scoring TEs in NFL & fantasy history.
But what about Godwin? – If you're worried about the emergence of Chris Godwin stealing looks, don't be. Brady has a proven history with supporting both his large RZ receiver and his smaller slot receiver. For every highlight-reel game Moss played with TB, there's also Wes Welker averaging 15 ppg. For every league-winning match with Gronk, there's still Wes Welker out there averaging 14.5 ppg until he left for Denver in 2013, where Edelman took over and averaged 13 ppg.
But he hasn’t done it lately? – True, but that’s partly because NE only recently focused on utilizing world-class defense and a battering run game. The Pats started their 2016 season with Brady suspended for the first four games due to his involvement with the controversial "Deflategate" scandal. To prepare for this, Bellichick created an effective game-plan based on employing a disciplined "bend, don't break" defense while establishing the run. Their defensive ranks previously hovered between above average to mediocre per PFR.
The Patriots rampaged all the way to a Lombardi via human battering ram LeGarrette Blount, who produced an amazing 1,161 rushing yards and 18 rushing TDs! It obviously helped that their defense was also ranked number one in the league. In fact, this was one of only two seasons in the past decade (at that point) where a single Pats receiver hadn’t scored 10 or more TDs. FYI, 2013 was the other season, and Gronk just happened to be injured during both years. Which brings me to the next topic...
But what about Gronk? – Gronk is back! But is he really? Has any offensive player ever “retired” for at least a year, verified their retirement with a worrying change in physique or hobbies, then come back and had a successful fantasy season? Not Marshawn Lynch. Not Jason Witten. Not even Ricky Williams, who “retired” after only his third season for legal reasons. While Gronk may get a few RZ looks, he retired for a reason, and Evans will easily demonstrate why he deserves to be TB's new goal-line favorite.
But can TB12 still do it? – The rumors of Brady's arm's death are greatly exaggerated. NFL.com ranked Brady as the #4 best deep passer last year. If you don't trust their opinions, then PFF provides a more analytical approach and ranked Brady at #14. Keep in mind that he only had a single game with Antonio Brown's Big Chest, six games with the ghost of Josh Gordon's, then had to rely on Phillip Dorsett the rest of the way. Regardless of these obstacles, TB actually had the fourth largest improvement in his deep ball accuracy when compared to 2018.
So we addressed Evan's "new QB" questions. On to the next concern...
CAN HIS COACH, BRUCE ARIANS, SUPPORT AN AGING QB?
He’s already done it before – Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians has experience working with another "aging, old timer" QB. In 2013, Arians became head coach of the Arizona Cardinals, who acquired veteran QB Carson Palmer via trade with the Oakland Raiders. When Palmer was traded to the desert, the public viewed him as "unspectacular," "lost," and "nearing the end of his career."
During his first season under BA, Palmer threw the most passing yards (4,274) he’s ever thrown at that point. So no “new offense” jitters with a seasoned vet like Palmer, and I would bet the same for a pro like Brady. Additionally, Palmer’s next full season (he was injured early during his following season) saw him throw not only his highest passing yards ever at 4,671 yards, but also broke the Cardinals single season TD record with 35 TDs! BA was able to coach Palmer into playing at his personal best during the twilight of his career, and I anticipate the same happening with Brady.
CAN MIKE EVANS BE A WR1?
HE'S ALWAYS DONE IT – Seriously, look at his stats. In his entire NFL career, he's never gone under 1K receiving yards, and averages 8 TDs/year. This includes his rookie year, where both Mike Glennon & Josh McCown shared duties as his starting quarterback. His career fantasy average is 14.0 ppg (0.5 ppr). He led the league in drawing PIs last year, which I'm sure Brady will love to exploit often. Even FantasyPros predicts 2020 will be his best season yet. The biggest drawback with Evans is that while his season total numbers are impressive, he is wildly inconsistent from game-to-game. This reminds me of another highly drafted WR who routinely has extreme boom or bust weeks but always finishes the year as a WR1. That man is Quintorris Lopez "Julio" Jones.
Everyone loves Julio Jones because he has a proven history of high season totals. Even the savviest of managers are willing to draft him early year-after-year, despite being fully aware of his unpredictably volatile weekly production. The allure of Julio lifting your whole team to reach the highest of highs is worth suffering through sporadic weeks of the lowest of lows. Well, if it’s crazy boom-bust potential that you’re seeking, look no further than Mike Evans. Still-anxious owners last year can remember nervously watching each week to witness Evans either conquering insanely high peaks or suffering through soul crushing valleys. If watching Jones play is as anxiety-inducing as watching a film like "Parasite," then Evans is like watching "Uncut Gems."
In just 14 games last year, Julio Jones finished the fantasy season (weeks 1-16) as the #4 WR in all formats. Mike Evans? He ended the season early as #5 in std, #8 in 0.5ppr, and #11 in ppr in only 13 games started. Had he played another game like Julio and scored his fantasy average in std (12.8 ppg vs Julio’s 12.0 ppg) and half ppr (15.3 ppg vs 15.2 ppg), Evans would’ve topped Jones and outranked him. And his two missed games were against Detroit and Houston’s weak secondaries!
Jones has a proven track record of inconsistent consistency, yet he is currently going in the late first/early second round of fantasy drafts as the consensus WR5 with an ADP of #14 (ECR #12). Meanwhile, Mike Evans is going in the late second/early third round as the consensus WR8 with an ADP of #25 (ECR #24).

Mike Evans is a volatile WR1 who should thrive as TB12's new favorite deep threat target and red-zone toy. He's proven to be good for at least 1K yards, regardless of QB. His new QB has proven he can support a deep threat with a strong slot receiver. His coach has proven his offense can support multiple wideouts with a new, aging QB. Evans is a WR1 available at a discount with great TD upside and an improved floor. Don't forget about him.

TL;DR - DRAFT MIKE EVANS. HE'LL HELP YOU WIN YOUR LEAGUE.

Previous posts:
League Winner Alert: Draft Melvin Gordon, TD King

I will guess your personality based on your favourite operator

House Party 7/27/20 - Part One

We open our scene, as we’re in the serviceable Nashville Municipal Auditorium, as we have a rowdy southern crowd on hand in the Music City! Some crowd members living up to the city moniker, as we see a few guys in what looks like novelty country get-up with acoustic instruments. As we pan over to our commentary table.
Paisner: Hello everyone! And welcome to another edition of House Party! I’m Allen Paisner-
Woodbridge: And i’m Mark Woodbridge.
Paisner: And we got another fantastic show lined up tonight! As we see battles such as Buster Braggadocio vs Viktor Ivanov following the confrontation by Romero and Buster against Vanguard at a McDonald’s. Marshall Wheeler looking to rebound from abandonment, and Jericho Styles looking to rebound from getting fucked up as they face off! We will see the debut of the unintentionally eccentric wrestker Dexter Flux against unintentionally eccentric medical professional, Doctor Ishmael Yellowstone. We will likely see Chip Rutgers get his ass whooped by Joey McCarty. And of course our main event for #1 Contendership to Kaitlyn Casey Jone’s Independent Title, as Dick Dover and Tony Stevens square off for a huge opportunity! Plus much more! But now, there’s one match I did not mention, and it’s our opener! We send it to Javier in the ring!
We cut to the ring to see Javier, who stands at the ready for the opening bout.
Javier: The following contest is scheduled for one fall-
Crowd: ONE FALL!!
Javier: and has a 30 minute time limit, refereed by Mia So Hung!
Repent by Shaggy hits the Nashville Municipal Auditorium as Ikbal Rizwan makes his way to the ring and fans reach out to high five the former QWF superstar as he seems happy to be greeted with a warm reception at the venue.
Javier: Making his way to the ring, from Islamabad, Pakistan, weighing 310 pounds, IKBALLL RIZWAAANN!!!
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Woodbridge: Even the hicks out here in Tennessee know who Ikbal is and they’re hyped to see him compete tonight!
Paisner: This young man carried the entire QWF federation during its short lived existence, holding its World Title the entirety of its lineage and then bringing it over to WiR after our revival. He then held it for a few months longer before losing it in a unification match with the WiR Champion Kyle Scott, but Ikbal’s dominant reign solidified him as a threatening competitor and a dangerous opponent in that ring.
Ikbal Rizwan now makes it past the fans and to the ring and walks up the ring steps, and as he makes it in the ring he beats his chest and salutes the crowd as they cheer for him again.
Now, The Devil by Black Stahli plays and the arena instantly boos the evil looking man that enters as he begins a slow and focused walk to the ring.
Javier: Making his way to the ring, from Columbus, Ohio, weighing in at 223 pounds, SETH BLACCKHEARTTT!!!
Crowd: BBOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Woodbridge: Blackheart looks completely oblivious to the arena of people who want to see him get dropped for the three count tonight!
Paisner: Last week he showed a sick lack of remorse after possibly giving a concussion to Jericho Styles, shaking the limp hand of Styles shortly after recklessly punting him in the head.
Seth ignores every single person jeering him as he remains completely focused on Ikbal Rizwan, who stands in the corner staring back at Blackheart with determination. Blackheart makes it to the ring steps and walks up before coming through the second and third rope into the ring. Both competitors settle into their respective corners without having taken their eyes off each other as Mia So Hung checks the boots, elbow pads, and kickpads of both competitors for foreign objects before calling for the ring bell.
DING DING DING!
Blackheart wastes no time extending a hand in the middle of the ring to Ikbal, who quickly moves forward to oblige before leaning back to put space between them but Seth keeps a hold on Ikbals hand and stares Ikbal down, but Ikbal has none of it as he kicks the hand away from his own! They stare each other down now, keeping their distance with much less trust than seconds prior!
Crowd: LETS GO RIZWAN! Clap clap clap-clap-clap LETS GO RIZWAN!
Paisner: Blackheart warned Rizwan in a cryptic video message that he’d better accept a handshake lest he end up like his opponent last week, but he might have narrowly avoided a nasty fate that left him laid out flat!
Woodbridge: I dunno, Pais, maybe Rizwan overreacted there and just didn’t expect a good old-fashioned gorilla grip handshake?
Paisner: Well, he coulda got hit with a gorilla grip spinebuster, so smart on Ikbal for immediately noping out of the handshake.
Blackheart and Rizwan now slowly circle each other before locking up in a collar and elbow tie-up, but Rizwan quickly overpowers and yanks Blackheart into a front facelock. Seth quickly backs up and the two bounce off the ropes and Blackheart pushes Rizwan to escape the hold as Rizwan now gains momentum and comes off the opposite ropes. Blackheart drops to the mat as Rizwan jumps over, comes off the ropes, and as he comes off those ropes with a picked up speed, Blackheart attempts to hip toss Rizwan, but can’t get the larger man off his feet as Rizwan counters and throws Blackheart onto the mat with an arm toss!
Crowd: YEAAAAA!!!
Blackheart quickly snaps back up to his feet clutching his back and tries to now put space between them but Rizwan runs at Blackheart and tries to clothesline him over the ropes, but Blackheart ducks as Rizwan goes over the top rope but skins the cat and lifts himself back into the ring!
Woodbridge: That man is over 300 pounds, the strength to be able to lift his own body weight back into the ring is remarkable-
A SMACK rings out through the venue when Blackheart immediately launches a chop to Rizwans chest as soon as his feet hit the ring!
Crowd: OHHHHH!!
Paisner: Remarkable strike by Blackheart to the broad chest of Rizwan!
Blackheart now launches another chop to the chest of Rizwan, who has his arms wrapped in the ropes so a 5 count is now administered by Mia So Hung. Blackheart ignores her and launches chop after chop into Rizwan’s chest!
Crowd: BOOOOO!!!!
Rizwan’s chest is now red as the chops continue and the count reaches 4 but Rizwan suddenly fires back and launches a LOUD chop that sends Blackheart to the mat!
Crowd: OOOHHH!!!! ONE MORE TIME! ONE MORE TIME!
Rizwan now picks up Blackheart to his feet and launches another loud chop, but this time Blackheart manages to stay on his feet, and throw a chop back, but Rizwan blocks it and now launches another chop that has Blackheart stumbling back into the middle of the ring! Rizwan launches another one and Blackheart is nearly on the ropes but as Rizwan approaches Blackheart for another one Blackheart ducks and launches himself at Rizwan’s knee with a shoulder block!
Woodbridge: Ohh! The sudden low strike after a series of chops seemed to have caught Ikbal off guard, as Blackheart has dropped his opponent to one knee!
Blackheart now backs up and tries to send a boot into Ikbals head but Ikbal ducks his head beneath and grabs under the legs of Blackheart to attempt to pull him down for a pin! But Blackheart isn’t pulled down, and instead launches a stomp right onto the eyes of Rizwan!!
Crowd: OHHHH!!
The ref reprimands him for targeting the eyes but Blackheart tells Mia to back off him for her own good as Blackheart stares down at Ikbal, backs up, and attempts to punt the head off Ikbal, who barely pulls himself out of the way by the ropes just in time!
Crowd: Ohhh!
Ikbal is up to his feet and throws a clotheslines but Blackheart ducks and hits a NASTY arm trap neckbreaker!
Crowd: OHHH!!
Woodbridge: He might have broke his neck the way it landed on his shoulder!
Blackheart goes for the cover!
1!
2- No! Kickout!
Blackheart doesn’t let up as he now transitions into a headlock with Rizwan in seated position, choking the life out of Rizwan with a bicep around his neck!
Paisner: Blackheart is able to transition so fluidly between slowly draining the life out of you, and instantly knocking the life out of you, and having to anticipate which one he’s going for must be brutal for even as experienced a competitor as the former QWF champion!
Rizwan stomps his feet on the ring as the crowd begins to clap in a rhythm and rally him out of the hold, and a headbutt is launched back into the nose of Blackheart, who seems pained but keeps the hold on tight! Ikbal hits another headbutt to the head of Blackheart, right onto the nose, and the grip around Ikbals neck is becoming loosened as Ikbal lurches his head forward and swings it back for one more headbutt but Blackheart let go and instead uses Ikbals momentum to throw him to the ground and hitting a double foot stomp to the face of the grounded Rizwan!
Crowd: OHHHH!
Blackheart falls down for the cover!
1!
2!
KICKOUT!
Crowd: YEAAA!!!!!
Woodbridge: Ikbal Rizwan has been able to survive the onslaught of offense but he’s gotta turn this thing around, cause y’aint winning a match by kicking out at 2!
Paisner: You’re right, Mark, and we know that Rizwan is more than capable of unleashing that offense, but right now, he needs to find a way to reverse the momentum that Blackheart has been in firm control of with his brutal arsenal of offense.
Blackheart takes a breather in the corner now as he stares at a worn down Rizwan with a cold, calculated gaze. Seth grabs the ropes of both corners as if to restrain himself as he lurches forward, and Ikbal is on his hands and knees trying to gather his bearings. The crowd begins to see what Blackheart sees and begins to start getting loud and concerned in anticipation for the next sequence!
Woodbridge If Blackheart connects with the Punt here you might as well count to a hundred!
Seth has his head low as he holds onto the ropes and seems to have an almost trance-like stare at his grounded opponent, and the crowd is yelling at Blackheart not to go through with it, but he lets go of the ropes and gets a running start and a swinging kick at the head- NO! DROP TOEHOLD INTO THE STS!
Crowd: YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paisner: KHYBER LOCK! BLACKHEART’S IN BIG TROUBLE!
Blackheart desperately claws at the arms of Ikbal but the Stepover Toehold Sleeper is locked in tight around the neck! Blackheart tries rolling over but Rizwan has a good 100 pounds on him and has the leg locked in, and Blackheart can’t get out from underneath the larger man! Blackheart looks tormented in the hold, his long hair hanging in his face as the massive arms of Rizwan wrench back tighter and Blackheart looks like he’s beginning to show signs of fading!
Crowd: TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP!
Blackheart looks desparate and has nowhere to go as he begins to lift a hand out for the ropes but there's none in the vicinity as the hold is locked on right in the middle of the ring, and as his hand begins to tremble near the mat he reaches back in a last ditch effort and claws at the eyes of Rizwan!
Crowd: BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Paisner: NO!! RIZWAN CLUTCHES AT HIS ALREADY TARGETED EYE!!
Blackheart now rolls out of the ring, grabbing at his neck and gasping for air as Rizwan clutches at his eye still and tries to tell Mia what happened but she explains she didn’t see it from her angle as Rizwan takes a minute to recover in the middle of the ring.
Paisner: Damnit, Blackheart resorting to such nasty tactics yet again in this match!
Woodbridge: Have you SEEN the fingernails on that guy? If I’m Ikbal I take the countout and go straight to the bathroom to wash my eyes out-
Paisner: Mark. Come on.
Blackheart has caught his breath and rolls back into the ring, and Rizwan is only just getting to his feet as Blackheart kicks him in the gut and puts him in position for a piledriver!
Paisner: He’s going for Penance, and if he hits this jumping sit-out piledriver it could be game over for-
Rizwan swiftly counters by wrapping his arms around Blackhearts torso, shifting his head out from underneath Seth’s legs, and hitting him with a northern lights suplex that he instantly transitions into a Triangle arm chokehold!
Crowd: YEEAAAA!!!!!!!
Paisner: IKBAL!!! Back in control with the Himalayan Suplex Clutch!!!
Blackheart yells in agony but this time he doesn’t let the submission sink in as he instantly summons all the strength he has to lift Rizwan up!
Crowd: ooooOOOOOOOOHHH!!!
Blackheart somehow lifts Rizwan almost above his own head but Rizwan lets go of the hold, manages to flip onto his feet, and Rizwan is swift with the go-behind and lifts Blackheart up into the air and slams him down with a suplex takedown!!
Crowd: YYEAAA!!!
Ikbal then maintains a gutwrench and rolls Seth into a pin!
1!
2- NO! KICKOUT!
Rizwan still has control of Blackheart and slides around to convert the hold into a grounded front facelock! Blackheart hits a right to the gut of Ikbal!
Crowd: Booooo!!!
And Ikbal counters with a right hand to the face of Blackheart!
Crowd: YEAAAA!!!!
Blackheart responds with a nasty slap to the face of Ikbal that seems to set him off!
Crowd: OHHH! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP!
Ikbal delivers a wicked chop that lights up the chest of Blackheart! And another! The chops resound with brutal thwacks as Blackheart is sent reeling against the ropes, but Blackheart stops the momentum cold with a boot to the gut of Rizwan!
Crowd: BOOOO!!!!
Blackheart runs the ropes now, coming off and attempting a big boot, but Rizwan ducks underneath, and hits a quick body scissors takedown with his legs before rolling up Blackhearts legs against his chest and rolling on top of Blackheart and folding his arms! The pin!
1!
2!
Blackheart reverses by lifting up his shoulders and now wrapping his arms around the torso of Rizwan, pulling himself up and spinning around before leaning down for a backslide pin, but Blackheart doesn’t drop Rizwan, instead lifting him up into a Crucific Powerbomb and throwing Rizwan into the turnbuckle!
Crowd: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Paisner: OH MY GOD!!!
As Rizwan comes off Blackheart kicks him in the gut and wrenches the head under his arm as he grabs the tights and jumps back and lifts Rizwan into a Penance Piledriver!
Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!!
Woodbridge: SPIKED ON HIS HEAD! IT’S OVER!
Blackheart goes for the pin and hooks the leg!
1!
2!
3- NO!
Crowd: YYEAAAAA!!!!!!
Paisner: Rizwan survives one more move! But can he possibly overcome the amount of punishment he’s taken over the course of this match?!
Blackheart seems frustrated now and lifts Rizwan to his feet once again, and sets him up in a DDT position.
Woodbridge: Looks like he’s answering your question, Pais! If he hits his Blackheart DDT, Rizwan won’t be getting back up!
Blackheart attempts to pull at the head of Rizwan but Rizwan snaps into action with a Northern Lights suplex!
Crowd: YEEAA!!!!
But instead of turning it into the triangle arm choke again, he maintains the grip around Blackhearts torso, bringing them both back up to their feet before planting another Northern Lights suplex!
Crowd: ONE MORE TIME! ONE MORE TIME!
Rizwan grips tight to Blackheart and swings his hips to turn back onto their feet, and with a tight grip around his waist and head under the arm of Blackheart, Rizwan goes for one more but Blackheart suddenly grabs a suffocating grip of Ikbal’s head under his arms and then grabs the tights of Ikbal and pulls him into a Blackheart DDT!!!
Crowd: BOOOO!!!!
Paisner: What’s he doing? Blackheart isn’t going for the cover, he’s instead clawing over to the corner- oh no.
Blackheart, now seething with a deranged look on his face, takes off from the corner and PUNTS the head of Rizwan!
Crowd: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
The crowd’s sickened reaction seems to put a smile on Blackheart’s face as collapses onto Rizwan for the cover.
1!
2!
3!
DING DING DING
Javier: Your winner at a time of 12 minutes and 22 seconds- SEEETHH BLACCKKHEARRTTT!!!
Crowd: BOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Blackheart leans down and shakes the hand of the limp Rizwan before the ref separates him and checks on Rizwan to make sure he’s alright. Blackheart rolls out of the ring and ignores the mudslide of boos from the Tennessee crowd as he walks out of the venue as calm and collected as he was when he entered it.
Woodbridge: Good christ, he probably could have won with just the DDT! I get he wanted to put him out but that just felt excessive!
Paisner: Another opponent downed by the gruesome Punt kick, and Blackheart’s mean streak seems to only have just begun. God have mercy on this company.
Rizwan comes to eventually and waves off Mia So Hung but looks like he’s gonna need an ice pack as he now leaves the ring clutching at his head.
Our camera cuts backstage to Stephen Romero, having a salad peacefully in catering, before he is interrupted by one Tony the Milkman, entering, and holding a leather jacket in one hand, which is covered in a fingerless glove, and the cardboard belt in the other.
Stevens: Brother Romero, you seem to be having issues with… those who wish to harm you.
Jim Baker also enters, and stands behind Milkman.
Stevens: But never fear, Romero! Your old buddy Tony Tag Teams has a solution. You see when I was having my issues with that piece of shit Joey McCarty, I realize that what I needed even more so than the $2.75 I make when I sell a gallon of milk, is a friend. Somebody who watches your back and you watch theirs. I know you’ve been accosted already by Buster…”
Stevens holds out the jacket to Romero, which he tentatively takes.
Stevens: But I hope you’ll… consider joining our circle of friends.
Romero looks at the jacket in his hand as Stevens and Baker walk out, closing the door behind them. Romero seems to be considering the offer… for a moment, before throwing the jacket to the ground.
Romero: Nah, not feelin’ it.
Romero picks up his salad and heads out. The camera pans to over to the fallen jacket, where we see one Dexter Flux sneaking around the room. He picks up the jacket, tries it on, and walks out with the jacket on.
We cut to Chad Hammocks standing in front of a door that is decorated with small flags in the colors of red, white and blue. Chad awkwardly knocks on the door and waits for a few seconds. Behind the door you hear the music quiet down.
???: Shhh.. shh..!
A few second later, the door swings open.
Large group: SURPRISE!!!
Chad is flabbergasted, shocked as a smile appears on his face.
Chad: You guys.. how did you know it was my birthday!
The entire group looks on happy for him as Hammocks slowly steps inside.. until Louis Blackwater appears.
Blackwater: Nevermind! You’re not Dutch.
Chad’s smile disappears in an instant as we hear an audible sigh escape from him.
Blackwater: But hey.. that doesn’t mean you can’t join the party!
Chad looks on confused, staring back at Blackwater.
Chad: ..what party then?
Blackwater: This party! Let me show you around, ya ol’ chump! Come with me.
As the camera pans around, we see many homeless people wearing celebratory hats as they look around, probably looking for drugs.
Blackwater: We’re holding a party to celebrate Mark Dutch’s victory over Maverick last week!
Chad: ...where’s Dutch?
Blackwater stares around blankly before he turns back to Chad.
Blackwater: No fucking clue, to be honest. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate. It’s like how we celebrate Lincoln’s birthday on the 4th of July. He’s dead, but we still shoot firework!
Chad: That’s not..
Blackwater: Let me introduce you to someone tho I think you will really like.
With an arm wrapped around Chad, Blackwaters walk over to a rather large woman wearing neon colored short shorts and a fluorecent yellow bra that is barely covering up.. her. She stands there holding a hand full of cake which she bites from, seeing her ~~inner mouthflap~~ tongue sometimes appearing between her fingers to lick frosting off her fingers.
Blackwater: So this is… what’s your name again?
???: It’s Suga Rise, sugar.
Blackwater: God I love that woman. Chad, this is Sugar level. Did you know that she was a.. lady of the night?
Chad looks over at her, his eyes traveling up and down before he looks back at Louis, who looks back with a smirk and raised eyebrows.
Chad: I had an assumption.
Blackwater: NOT ANYMORE! It’s dangerous outside, Chad. Who knows who’d want to hit you over the head with a bat because you licked their butthole? Well she does.
Chad: Well.. congratulations on your.. improvement.
Suga Rise: Thank you, sugar. I’m an escort now.
Chad: what?
Blackwater: Yeah! She works inside now as we hired her here to add a bit more.. sex appeal, you know?
While Chad looks more confused about what he heard, all of a sudden the music playing gets changed from a happy tune to Five Finger Death Punch. Blackwater immediately looks over and sees a veteran messing with the iPad through which the music is played. Blackwater claps his hand and walks out of frame while he is heard shouting.
Blackwater: HEY! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING THE iPAD?!
The camera still looks at Chad who is standing there with Suga. Her hand is now placed on Chad’s shoulder while she looks into his pockets, possibly trying to find a snickers bar.
Chad: ehh.. back to you guys?
We come back to the ring, where we see Jaiver standing, ready for more action.
Javier: The following contest is scheduled for one fall!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
The PA hits an absolutely ICONIC synth line as Duval’s finest rolls out on the finest BMX bike Walmart has to offer spraypainted tea. He’s wearing his signature Gators jersey and bright teal cargo pants.
Javier: Introducing first, weighing in tonight at 169 pounds from Duval Country, Florida. Chip Rutgers!
Crowd: Yaaaay!/BOOOOOOOO!
Paisner: what why is chip garnering such a strong mixed reaction
Woodbridge: Well, it’s all a matter of perspective. The WiR fans in the crowd see Chip Rutgers, cult hero and fan favourite. The locals see a dude in a Florida jersey.
Rutgers rides to the ring, but misjudges the steepness of the ramp and rides right into the side of the ring, crashing into a trampoline set up for Jericho Styles’ entrance later, and flipping into the ring onto his face.
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!
Woodbridge: WHAT A SICK STUNT!
Paisner: I don’t think that was on purpose..
Woodbridge: EVEN BETTER!
Rutgers lies face-down in the ring for about a minute before pulling himself up on the ropes and standing, to the cheers of the crowd, just as they turn to boos when We get some real grimey guitar as Joey McCarty’s theme hits.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Joey McCarty walks out from behind the curtain… wearing a fishbowl helmet!
Javier: And his opponent, weighing in tonight at 235 pounds, from Woodstock, Ontario, Canada. Joey McCarty!
Paisner: Why does McCarty look like spaceman?
Woodbridge: I dont fucking know maybe he just wants to look like an asshole
McCarty runs to the ring, jumping over Rutgers’ bike, and rolling into the ring.
DING DING DING
Rutgers: POCKET SAND!
Rutgers grabs sand from his lowest pocket, and throws it at McCarty. The sand just kinda bounces off the face mask. McCarty just stares Rutgers down
Rutgers: uh
Rutgers frantically checks all his pockets, finding nothing but sand. McCarty begins walking towards
Rutgers: UH
Rutgers finds his fireball, but fumbles it. Panicked, Rutgers grabs for his last pocket, and throws its contents at McCarty. But it’s just cold spaghetti, and he misses McCarty and whaps Maurice Chondon.
McCarty grabs Rutgers and NAILS him with the Five Minute Major!
1
2
3
DING DING DING
Javier: The winner of this match, at a time of 1:46, JOEYYYYY McCARTYYYYY
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Paisner: Well Joey enters the win column for the first time in a while
Woodbridge: On the other had, the run of losses continues for Rutgers
Paisner: Yeah let’s scrape Chip’s body off the ring while we head to commercial. More right after this!
COMMERCIAL
We fade in from the commercial break. We see that a table and three chairs are set up, one on one side, and two on the other. The crowd is at a lull in the action.
Woodbridge: Allen, you know you don’t have to do this. This is something that should be handled in private.
Paisner: Allen, what other choice do I have? I’m a man, and I’m going to fight this like a man. Just...watch my back, okay?
Woodbridge: You got it, pal.
Allen Paisner stands up, and takes off his headset. He then walks over to the ring announcer, and grabs three microphones. He slides the microphones in, then slides in himself. The crowd claps, giving some support to Allen. He picks up the microphones while getting up, and sets them up on the table. He grabs one, and begins to speak.
Paisner: Are we having a good time, folks?
Crowd: YAAY!!! PAISNER! PAISNER! PAISNER!
Paisner: Good, well as you saw on the last program, I was...served with paperwork. Now, normally, in situations like this, it would be handled and settled privately behind closed doors, but if that man, and he knows I’m talking about him, has any guts he’d handle this out in the open, so that the whole world can see what a pretentious little bitch you are!
Crowd: YAAAY!
Woodbridge: Get him, Allen!
Paisner: So I reserved this time tonight to address the allegations and such brought before me, and now at this time, would the gentleman or gentlemen...come down and let’s settle this thing, right here once and for all!
The crowd cheers. Suddenly a man comes walking out holding a leather briefcase. He ignores the sea of boos he receives walking down the aisle. He walks up the steps by the corner of the ring and enters the ring, awkwardly.
Woodbridge: Of course he doesn’t show up. He just sends his goons.
The man lays his briefcase down. He picks up a microphone and begins to speak.
Lawyer: Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Carlos Alberta. I’m the legal console for the plaintiff in this case, who wished to remain anonymous.
Paisner: Cut the crap, we know it’s Balandran, he’s just too much of a coward!
Crowd: He’s a pussy! clap clap clapclapclap He’s a pussy! clap clap clapclapclap
Alberta: Very well...I am the legal console for Austin Balandran regarding this case. He did not wish to be present at the proceedings, but he is watching via stream. Now, I’m sure you’ve read over the list of complaints and debts you owe to him. Now, of course the last thing we want is for this to go to trial...so we have a settlement offer.
Woodbridge: Oh lord, here we go.
Alberta: Recently, my client was in a match at one of your iPayPerView? I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with wrestling. But what I do know is the basic rules of the match. His belief, and my belief, is that he was downright cheated in the finish of the match. His shoulder was up, and the match should have continued. But the match was awarded to Daniel Smith, correct sir?
Paisner: Yeah, I guess. What’s the point, that was weeks ago.
Alberta: My client is willing to forgive those debts on two conditions. One, you acknowledge that the match was indeed flawed, and sticken from both men’s win loss record.
Crowd boos
Woodbridge: Oh come on! That’s ridiculous!
Alberta: And two...you award Austin Balandran the number one contendership for the WiR Championship.
Crowd gets angrier.
Crowd: BULLLSHIT! BULLLLSHIT!
Paisner looks around, thinking. He then pulls the microphone up to his lips.
Painser: Can I speak to your client? Face to face. This is something I want him to hear. I won’t give you an answer unless I can see him.
Alberta nods, pulls out his phone. He then calls out. The crowd quiets down a bit so they can hear, but the audio doesn’t pick up on what he’s saying. Then CASH plays over the PA. Austin Balandran emerges from the curtain. The crowd immediately boos. He has the world’s biggest grin on his face, like he pulled off the heist of the century. He spins around showing off his suit. He then enters the ring finally, and picks up a microphone.
Balandran: Well, Allen. Looks like you’ve finally seen the light, son! Now you know...that you’re not shit around here! There’s not a person around in this company who wouldn’t do what I’m doing to you right now. Only difference is, is that you pay them so little to where they would just rather leave than to FINALLY bring justice to your front door. And now, as you’re NEW...number one…
Paisner: Shut the hell up!
The crowd roars as Austin looks stunned. Paisner continues.
Paisner: You know, I’ve been thinking long and hard about the things you’ve said about me, to me, and to other people. And I’ve got to say, I may not like a lot of guys due to their attitude, but you...I hate you. I hate your stinking guts. I hate the fact that you blindsided me with money in order for you to get any kind of notice around here, and if you think that WiR would fail without you, our savior, mister, you’re dead wrong!
Crowd: YAY!
Paisner: THAT MAN IN THE FRONT ROW IS WiR!...THOSE KIDS IN THE CHEAP SEATS...THEY’RE WiR...EVERY PERSON IN THIS ARENA EXCEPT FOR YOU...IS DOUBLE YOU. EYE. ARE!
Crowd: Dub I R! Dub I R! Dub I R!
Austin laughs.
Balandran: But these people didn’t pay your bills, Allen. I did. These people didn’t make sure that everyone left with a paycheck. I did. Not Maverick, not Stephen Romero, and sure as hell not Kyle Scott. Me. So before you beat your chest, you need to remember who you’re speaking to. I am the de facto owner of WiR whether you like it or not.
Crowd boos.
Woodbridge: Maybe in an alternate timeline, but not here, and definitely not now.
Balandran: All you gotta do to save yourself and this company that you love, Allen...is sign.
Alberta pulls out a piece of paper from his briefcase. He slides it over to Painser, who then smiles.
Paisner: How about this, Austin? Since you’re better than everyone else, how about this? First person to come out here, right now, gets a match with you at “It Just Means More.” That man wins, you drop your lawsuit. You win...you get what you want. I’ll do it.
Austin grins. He looks over at his lawyer, who shrugs.
Balandran:...you’re on.
Crowd explodes.
Woodbridge: What a bombshell! But who’s gonna answer the call?
Balandran: But your man only has one minute to show up...or it’s just gonna be me and you.
Austin starts to move closer to Paisner, who’s trying to escape…
Suddenly.
Woodbridge: WHAT THE HELL!?
Balandran turns around to see if his ears are deceiving him. He looks all around, trying to figure out what’s going on. He takes his jacket off and throws it out of the ring, motioning towards the entrance. Out walks…KLUTCH!
Crowd: YAAAAAY!
Klutch looks around. He takes a deep breath and then looks at Balandran. He points at Balandran, then starts to make a beeline towards the ring. Austin jumps out of the ring as Alberta jumps out too, wanting no part of this. Austin meets Klutch in the middle and they begin to trade blows back and forth. Klutch hits a big right hand to Balandran, causing him to retreat towards the ring. He rolls in as Klutch follows closely behind, chasing him. Paisner backs up, not wanting to be in the way.
Woodbridge: Balandran trying to get away!
Balandran turns around and is greeted with a swift kick to the gut by Klutch. Klutch then sets up Balandran for the Y2Klutch, but Balandran pushes his legs away and escapes the ring. Klutch then looks around the arena then back at Balandran who’s halfway up the entryway now. He points at Balandran. He then looks behind him and sees Paisner. He then pulls him in, and raises his right hand. Klutch’s music kicks back on and the crowd goes nuts.
Woodbridge: You know, typically, it’s hard to bet against Austin Balandran...but now with Klutch back in the fold...Austin’s in for a long night at It Just Means More! We’ll be right back folks once we get some order restored here. Hell yeah, Allen!
Paisner, wiping tears from his eyes, audibly saying thank you as we fade out from the scene
Camera fades in from the previous action
Dan Smith: "-and trust in god and his will, as even when you can't see it, it's at work."
Ain't No Grave By Johnny Cash starts playing, a slow moving montage moves along the Smith household, from the Mitt Romney poster in the garage to the rusted jeep to a grey scaled Book Of Mormon being read by Dan Smith to his litany of children, spread across the floor like a pre-school reading session. Each Child gets their own individual shot, intently looking at their father, who now smiles and tells them to go to their rooms
Dan Smith: Am I a little bit disappointed my title match hasn't been booked yet? of course. But what kind of a holy man would I be if I strayed from god's light and let myself give in to the sin of anger? I have been blessed by god to be put in this position and given the strength to whoop Balandran. Now I just have to wait around for the next chance I'm given to show god's gifts. But until then, I have to run some errands around the house before the ole ball and chain gets mad at me...she really can pack a punch dad laugh unlike some of the others on the roster. Anyways, I gotta head back to bible study.
The camera pans out, showing another kid clamped onto his leg
We come back to the ring once more, where we the threatening presence of Iron Man by Black Sabbath signal Marshall Wheeler from out behind the curtain. Walking with a certain determination to prove himself after being left behind, not paying any mind to the audience as he makes his way to the ring. Then shortly after, we hear another tune, as Comatose by Skillet signals the arrival of Jericho Styles, his head still bandaged up from being punted last week, but looking mostly functional as he makes his way down. Slapping hands with fans and kissing babies, as he reaches his trampoline, jumps on it a few times to his own amusement, before stepping off and entering the ring normally, as Undersach then calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
The match starts off, as the two men circle around one another, before Wheeler makes the first move! Getting a go-behind on Styles, but Styles reverses into his own go-behind! From which he drops down and trips up Wheeler’s legs from behind! Dropping Wheeler face first onto the mat! Wheeler springs up onto his knees holding at his face, as Styles runs the ropes, and comes back to nail Wheeler in the head with a kneeling enziguri! Rocking Wheeler and dropping him to the mat, as Styles then quickly decides to go high, running towards the ropes, and jumping off to land a springboard moonsault that he pins off of! Getting a 1.5 in the process!
Styles then lifts Wheeler back up, and nails him with a kick to the left leg! Then to the right leg! Then he uses his left leg to kick Wheeler in the chest, then his right to kick Wheeler in the chest again! And then, he swings with the left leg for the head! But Wheeler catches it, and uses the leg to pull Styles in, and take him down to the mat with a vicious lariat! From there Wheeler goes on the assault, first stomping Style’s chest in, then mounting him to rain down forearms upon his head. Styles tries to crawl away, but Wheeler keeps Styles near his grasp, lifts him up, and whips him into a corner upon which he rushes Styles and nails him in the head with a vicious elbow strike! Then a whip into the opposite corner for another elbow strike! Then back into the original corner for a third elbow strike! Then back into the opposite for a fourth elbow strik! Styles seeming about to fall over onto the mat if it weren’t for Wheeler keeping him up, and bringing him closer to the center of the ring, where he whips Styles into the ropes, and finishes off the elbow string with a vicious spinning back elbow! Absolutely clocking Styles, dropping to them at like a sack of potatoes, Wheeler covers, but only for a 2.5!
Wheeler then goes to quickly get back on Styles, picking him up, setting Styles right in front of him, then swinging with his short arm lariat to finish Styles off! But suddenly, Styles kicks Wheeler’s arm away, then pulls out a desperation codebreaker on Wheeler! Leaving Wheeler completely dazed on the mat, as Styles can’t directly capitalize due to exhaustion! Styles then eventually begins to make his way up, Wheeler not long after, Styles seemingly prepared for this, as when Wheeler makes it up, Styles charges, and takes Wheeler’s head off with a shoryuken like jumping uppercut! Flattening Wheeler to the ground! Styles with a new found confidence, lets out a roar of determination! Before picking Wheeler up, whipping him into the ropes, Wheeler getting caught up in them, as Style’s comes in, and jumps up high for a springboard “rainbow” cutter! But he connects with nothing! Wheeler suddenly ducks his head under, and grabs Styles from behind in a rear naked choke! Styles panics, reaching for the ropes that seem oh so close to him, but barely unable to grasp, as Wheeler slowly backs himself off to the middle of the ring, Style’s struggling unable to save him, as Wheeler drops down and hooks Style’s in a bodyscissored rear naked choke! Fully locking in “Lifeblood”, as Style’s taps out!
DING DING DING
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Wheeler securing the win via submission in 7:01, takes a moment to catch his breath, before standing up, and looking down on the nearly passed out Styles with a smug satisfaction. Ringside crew assist Styles to the back, as Wheeler makes a confident stride there on his own two feet

Here are all positions posted in the last 24 hours

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House Party 7/27/20 - Part One

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