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Bloodlines: The Legacy of Charlemagne (Part 17)
Emperor Julien IV
Processing img qkq3le9mfpa51... 4th of November, 1378 Ever since he became Emperor two years ago, father had been in constant warfare. He always spoke to me about the legendary battles of our forefathers. The Battle of Tours, the Battle of Giza, the various Crusades and so forth. I remember him saying ‘The greatest Kings and Emperors of France all fought valiantly to protect this Empire and project its power. I want to project power and become a new Caesar, son’. I always thought this line of thinking would get him killed and then the coffin arrived. His funeral was a closed casket as he had rotted in his journey to Paris before he was taken to be entombed under Notre Dame with the other great Kings and Emperors. I always assumed like him I’d have a chance at life before becoming Emperor and yet here I am having this responsibility thrusted on me so early. I inherited an Empire at war, I cannot organize a coronation like this. Rather I take the reins of my steed and ride out east with an escort. I will take the charge of the armies and let my new subjects know that their Emperor is fighting alongside them. Along with my father's body they did bring some good news. Pest has since fallen and many other Carpathian cities will soon follow. This is a winning war at least. 18th of January, 1379 I arrived in Bartfa in the northernmost edges of the Carpathian territory. It seems we were misguided on our journey to Pest. However, when we arrived we learned of an incoming Carpathian force outnumbering us almost 2 to one. I took my most skilled commanders and ordered them to take the flanks. I took command of the center army. Sending out word for reinforcements from the south we prepared for battle. Initially I managed to lead my men in the center taking point they followed my bravery and held firm returning arrow fire as I led a cavalry charge. This kept them routed and hesitant despite their greater numbers. Finally after days of stalling and preparing to retreat our center the army of Pest arrived and suddenly it was the Carpathians who were surrounded. Taking advantage of our greater forces I ordered a volley of arrows be fired followed by another cavalry charge dispersing their center. Quickly their ranks fell apart as we picked off their flanks one by one. With only two thousand losses we wiped out over half of the Carpathian army, with half of their Kingdom besieged and occupied the Regent sent me a letter after the battle. It seems he is willing to surrender as he and the boy King Roman II will flee to Russia. My father's claimant, Feodor, was placed on the Carpathian throne as King. Frankly it hardly mattered, I understand father simply wanted to prevent a political union of Carpathia and Russia. Feodor displayed gratitude to me but honestly I had no interest in the matter. After all, war was not over for me. With my fathers death the King of Italy and the Sultan of Andalusia will surely try to weasel out of their tributary status to France. I will have to straighten them out before I can accept the crown. Processing img oqfite20gpa51... 21st of January, 1379 As we were marching back to France I met with my commanders and the Royal Marshal to discuss my plans regarding Italy and Andalusia. That is when I noticed among them was the bastard Simon de Bourges. As kids I remember he had shoved me into some mud when he was playing with me and my sister. Since then we’ve regularly gotten in fights. Of course when Belleassez started fighting more and more with father about how much he pushed her I always defended him. “He just wants you to find your own glory” I’d often tell her. She stopped talking to me and started spending more time with Simon. I wasn’t surprised when the rumors about her pregnancy at 15 floated around and when she gave birth I was disgusted and knew instantly who had done it. He dared show his face here as a commander? After all those years of hatred and bad blood between us? After he dared sleep with my sister and then pretend the child wasn’t his? “Simon, I want you out of this tent immediately.” He shrugged “I don’t see what offense I caused you.” I then walked over taking his shirt in my fist “You offended my entire family after what you did with my sister. This meeting is for commanders and capable warriors not peasants like you!” I said shoving him out of the tent into the mud much like how he had done to me all those years ago. “My father is a Count, you cannot treat your subjects this way!” he shouted back raising his voice as there was silence in the camp. He talked back to his liege, his superior. “I cannot let your dishonor go unpunished. Meet me outside camp at sunset.” He agreed as we met he drew his sword as I took my family spear. My father wielded it when he died, now it is mine. “This spear has been handed down by my family since King Eudes II. Now it will find its way into your heart just as it has for centuries into the hearts of France’s enemies.” He laughed some “I’m sure that rolled off better in your mind. It’s not often I get to swing my blade at an Emperor.” As the duel commenced I went for a thrust with my spear as he parried upwards though in a flash I swiped and slashed with the spear tip towards his face as it struck. In only a few seconds, an instant, there was blood on the ground all over Simon's hand and face as he screamed holding his right eye. A cut all the way down with blood dripping down he knelt dropping his blade. I stood over him ready to strike him down when I looked among the spectators I sighed and stepped back “I’ve won this. You will take this as a lesson in honor. You do not sire a bastard with my family, and you do not speak back to your Emperor in that manner. We are not children anymore Simon. It is time for you to grow up. Maybe losing an eye will help you see that.” I grinned walking away leaving him to hold his wound. 7th of September, 1379 Without any response from the Sultan or his regent, I’ve decided to call up arms against Andalusia to extort tribute from them. Just like my father and grandfather before me. Andalusia thinks that just because my father perished young that I won’t offer much threat. They are sorely mistaken. These wars will help restore the Empire father was building, his legacy won’t be forgotten. 15th of February, 1380 While my armies marched south into Andalusia fighting for their lives I lead a small force through the eastern coast in Rosello. It was here in Perpinya we used the mountains to ambush a larger Andalusian army. It was a small battle relatively speaking though we had to ultimately retreat we managed to give them significant losses and more importantly tied down their men into the mountains for over a month before we left. Giving time for more forces to cross the mountains into Andalusia. If they want to fight and resist, so be it. 22nd of April, 1380 This was the battle that ultimately will decide the war. The glorious battle I’m sure my father sought out in his conquests. We arrived in Utrillas to find our army under attack by a force of around 20 thousand Andalusians. Outnumbered I sent out word for all French armies to conjoin on this battle. For weeks the tides pulled forward and back. Andalusian cavalry forced us into retreats when thousands of reinforcements would come in giving us just enough numbers to hold. Then more Andalusians would arrive. All in all we had almost a hundred thousand men battle between both armies and in the end almost 18 thousand French soldiers lied dead. Nearly double as many Andalusians were slain as well as they were forced to retreat. A heavy and costly victory, so many men dead, not accounting for all of those who died in Carpathia last year. There is no way to keep this up. There is a limit to what the Empire can do. Some 14 thousand men will remain here to settle into a siege while the other half of my remaining forces march north after the fleeing infidels. I have more reinforcements on the way that I will probably redirect to sack Barcelona, the jewel of the Andalusians. However today we mourn. Processing img ebwkylacgpa51... 10th of September, 1380 With the siege of Barcelona the sultans regent finally admitted defeat. Such a costly war, and worse yet I’me being told that the nobility back in France are very unhappy. The costly wars and humiliating losses were already bad enough but now they were talking about either shifting more responsibility and power into the nobility or worse, overthrowing me in favor of one of my uncles. I head back to Paris to organize a coronation ceremony. After two years of fighting it is time to consolidate France itself. For now I will have to let the issue of Italy go and focus on rebuilding my army. Without levies I won’t be able to fend off any potential uprisings, and I will need to get the Church’s backing for my position as Emperor. 21st of November, 1380 After returning to Paris a massive ceremony was organized to celebrate my coronation. Pope Hadrianus V arrived rather late and spoke with me about some of the duties expected out of me as Emperor. Namely how I must stand against the tides of sin and heresy that peek from the shadows. After his lecture the ceremony began. I mingled with my many vassals drinking and ensuring that they understood that I would stand by their interests. Though I could hear among the whispers talks of plots and intrigue. I might have to start taking drastic measures to help ensure some stability. That is when I was called over as his Holiness was holding the crown and silence fell upon the room. I put on the blue cloak my father wore in his ceremony before walking up to the Pope as he began his prayer and blessing. As I knelt he spoke up for the whole room to hear “And so you are hereby named Emperor Julien IV of France, King of Brittany, of Aquitaine, of Navarra, of Arles, of Lotharingia, Defender of Christendom and Emperor of the Romans.” as he placed it down I rose up accepting the scepter and orb into my hands before turning to the crowds smiling as there was a loud applause and cheer. Finally with this ceremony I am rightfully Emperor. Processing img b4lcccasgpa51... 24th of September, 1381 I was praying at church when a servant came to me. “Can this wait for another time?” I asked “I am in the middle of something here.” “A thousand apologies, your grace” the servant said with a bow “But the court is gathering, Empress Tereza is giving birth to your child.” I rose instantly and without another word I rushed out towards the castle. When I arrived in the nursery I was told that I had yet to miss the moment and that is when I saw it. The baby emerged as the nursemaid cleaned it and the child began to let out a powerful cry. “A strong and healthy baby boy, my liege.” one of the nursemaids answered before handing me the child. Prince Julien was born, as I held the boy I rubbed his face softly before kissing him. A future Emperor was born today, my successor and first child. The courtiers began to cheer some as the nursemaids took care of Tereza and we all dispersed as I left young Julien with them. 16th of March, 1382 For months now I’ve been working tirelessly to appease my vassals. Usually through regular contact, extravagant gifts, as well as some scheming and blackmailing where necessary. The work has been endless though based on reports from the Imperial Marshal our levies are nearly at full strength. I’m not sure if I’m willing yet to go to war with Italy especially with just how tired I’ve become. Fatigue has consumed me to the point of me sleeping in and not wanting to move to do just about anything. I’m sure it is nothing though I do think I need to rest. 20th of December, 1386 The past few years have been relaxing. Though I still have to deal with the constant maneuvering of politics within the Empire it’s been stable. Julien is growing up to be quite an impressive young man though he’s only five years old he’s very strong and certainly has quite the attitude about him. Unfortunately despite my best efforts me and Tereza have yet to have any more children. Today I decided to ride my horse on a bit of a stroll to take a break from life at court. I had with me some guardsmen as an escort. Perhaps today would be a fine day for some celebrations. Duchess Busilla of Normandy, whose daughter was betrothed to Julien mind you, has proven to be a terrible pain in my side. She constantly riled up the nobility to plot against me trying to push for more power to the nobles rather than centered in my station. I wish I could say it was a surprise. Based on the documents from my predecessors it seems the Lords of Normandy have always been problematic. Ultimately I made the decision to revoke her title and bestow it on the now Duke Geraud. She was none all too pleased with me afterwards. I spent the time riding thinking about this and considering that perhaps I should start looking to replace the dukes and governors of the provinces since they just seem to refuse to be cooperative. That is when my train of thought was broken. A loud whistle was followed by a gag. I turned to the guardsmen to my right to see an arrow had pierced through the back of his neck out the front as blood sprayed out his horse reared. I kept mine steady and began to ride away as the other guards started shouting. More arrows rained down as I rode away. The bandits couldn’t catch us at all, amateurs. Though as I returned home I realized that there was truly an attempt on my life. I couldn’t imagine it really, and yet it happened before my very eyes. It must be Busilla’s work. Shes a sneak, always plotting about I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she were behind an assassination attempt. Then again I don’t have evidence of this yet. I’ll have to wait and see, hopefully I won’t find out after a dagger has pierced my heart. 7th of October, 1387 A long day, it’s been almost a year since my assassination attempt but my investigations have not turned up anything. As I laid in bed I don’t know why or when I awoke but I tried to get up and suddenly I was being pushed down. I begin to struggle and see it is a burly armsman who I promoted to the guards last week. He had a charming face and I was fooled by it! I noticed a skinny figure in a robe with a toothy grin and long nose. He seemed to be snickering as he brandished a dagger I flailed and struggled as the skinny man said quietly “Shh, don’t worry your grace it’ll be over quick” as he raised the dagger I managed to get a kick into the guardsman's groin. As he loosened I slipped out just as the man dug his dagger into the bed where my throat once was. I turned to the skinny man and swung my fist into his nose before dashing out of the room. “No” I heard the guardsman groan out as I screamed down the halls “Guards! Guards! Murderers! Killers!” the guardsmen rushed in as the two were pushed down and arrested. “Take them into the dungeon.” I ordered the captain “Have them tortured by any means necessary to find out who hired them and why.” The captain bowed “Yes your grace.” I then pointed to him “And double the guard for tonight. I will be returning to bed, make sure it's men you trust.” He nodded as I struggled to sleep during the night. Come morning after tossing and turning throughout the night I finally got my report as the captain approached me “Your grace, it seems the two would-be murderers were agents of the Countess Busilla of Vexin.” I nodded reading the transcript of their confession “What did you do with the two men?” The captain shook his head in response “Nothing yet sire.” “Have them both hung, I would also request that you get me Imperial Marshal Antoine. I am going to need some men to march to Vexin and apprehend the Countess.” The captain bowed again “Of course your grace.” before departing. Finally the evidence I’ve been looking for. 15th of October, 1387 Busilla was brought into the court today at the hands of Duke Antoine. “Ah Countess so glad you could join us.” Duke Antoine let her go and speed back as she looked to me guardsmen were ready of course right behind her. Busilla then shot back “What is the meaning of this?! Your men show up in my home and arrest me on your orders?” I raised my hand to silence her “Your goons talked Busilla.” I saw the color drain from her face “I don’t know who your other conspirators were but I know you are the one who arranged for me to be killed on not one but two occasions.” She fell silent then asked “If I go quietly will you permit me a better sentence?” I shook my head “Your daughter was to be married to my son, our families were to become one and you try and have me killed? There is no lighter sentence for scum such as yourself. No loyalty to your Emperor, to the Empire. You have nothing of value to your name. As such you will be disposed of as the nothing you are.” She then shouted “I’m to be hanged?” I shook my head before gesturing for the guardsmen to escort her to her execution site. I stood on a balcony overseeing the execution. She was thrown into a muddy pit with a rabid boar. “Pigs will eat their own filth, they care for nothing just as you. You are filth and you happily lie in it. You aren’t worth the rope we’d use to hang you.” she stood up in tears begging for forgiveness before the boar rammed her. She began screaming as I watched the boar begin mauling her with its tusks running them in and out of her flesh biting and ripping apart her flesh to eat. Many turned away but I watched and I knew just as the life left her eyes I was the last thing she saw. Treachery is a crime most foul indeed. 24th of September, 1389 A wondrous day, I figured as Tereza approached her 40's we’d only have a single child but today she gave birth to our second child. Not just that but as the child emerged it was a massive baby boy. As the nursemaids handed him over to me his legs hung off one end and his head was barely contained. Tereza had truly pushed out quite the massive child indeed. “Hello there little Nicolas. Welcome to the world.” I said, looking at my newborn son. Eight year old Julien approached as I knelt for him to look at “Meet your little brother Julien.” Julien gave a small wave “Hey there little brother. Father can I hold him?” he asked as I shook my head “Oh no he’s a really heavy baby, just like you were but a bit more.” I laughed “Or maybe I’m getting old.” I handed Nicolas back to the nursemaids who had to take care of Tereza “Come, let’s give your mother some time and space to recover.” 5th of March, 1392 At first it was just a rash, my physician rubbed goat and boar milk over it to help soothe my skin though as it got worse I grew weaker and terrible lesions formed around my body as I felt like my head was going to explode. The Great Pox. I couldn’t even get out of bed and now I can barely awake. My Great Uncle Louis has taken over as my Regent. To think I would end up stuck in bed like this. Disgusting, where did I even get this terrible pox? Perhaps from my wife Tereza? It makes sense, I know she’s delivering in a few months our third child. I pray I can remake awake and alive enough to meet them at least. 12th of March, 1392 The Physician came in as he and I spoke. I weakly asked “Please tell me you have a cure for this terrible ailment…” I asked as they nodded presenting me this bottle. “Your grace, this vial is filled with mercury which will help relieve you of this illness. Though I must warn you that those who consume it often become weak in will.” I shook my head taking the vial “Any-anything for my Empire.” I said sipping the potion as I felt like my entire body was trembling and thrashing. I remember the pain, it burned all the way into my stomach and through. I screamed, I screamed so much. He brought me a second vial later as I drank it I realized the lesions were gone! My violent episodes were excruciating but I am cured. So beautiful. 24th of September, 1392 After taking my dosage of mercury I went tot he nursery though the maids tell me that I am a bit too ‘unstable’ to attend the birth of my third child. Just as I am starting to get frustrated and mad one of the maids approaches and tells me it is a boy. A Prince we’d long before decided to name Henri. Three sons then. How kind of God to bless me so. Succession is safe and secure. 27th of July, 1394 I was celebrating with some nobility, laughing and drinking together making friends. As we were I felt hot in my clothes and sweaty, so very sweaty. I started undressing next thing I knew I was calling for them to bring some horses then I realized “We need some food, somebody get the fire started, ah wait I have it.” I said, grabbing the candle as I lit the table, “We’ll roast it ON the table, save us time and effort.” I laughed grabbing the family spear using it to stab through a slab of meat cooking it over the fire before sitting down some. Many of the guests began laughing as I joined with them, what a wonderful time to be alive. “Oh no, I nearly forgot! Someone get me my mercury, I need to take it otherwise the Great Pox will come back for me!” 19th of October, 1394 It seems that several nobles have converted to the Lollard heresy! I don’t know how these loons managed to slip it under me but I’ll show them what for. Starting with the Duke of Savoy and then the rest I’ll take their lands away and give them to the righteous! 17th of June, 1396 You know ever since that party I’ve come to realize my horse has always been dependable sort. I could trust her with any and everything. I remember being almost killed by those bandits and she is who I rode to get away! You know what I bet she could run this Empire better than anyone else. I called the court in for a special session “Loyal Subjects of the Empire, I have come to a great announcement. In light of this Lollard heresy I’ve come to realize it is difficult to find those who you can reliably trust. I need a dependable Chancellor to watch over the Empire. And so I name my horse Glitterhoof as my new Chancellor and as the dutiful Designated Regent of France! “Let us have a toast in Glitterhoofs honor!” I heard murmurs before I struck my fist on the railing “Applause!” I screamed as they reluctantly did so. Long live Glitterhoof! Processing img 30owhbc7hpa51... 24th of May, 1396 A little girl is born! How delightful! And as an added bonus she’s my daughter! Oh what a beautiful Charlotte, oh that would be a great name for a pet spider! What a wondrous child she seems to be. I patted my fat belly as it jiggled about “What a great day to be Emperor!” 27th of September, 1396 I was wandering through the castle when I spotted a young Amelie. She was the wife of one of my barons until he croaked about jeez so many years ago now. She was a peasant girl but we couldn’t just toss her onto the street. I approached her “Amelie, you look awfully lonely” she looked to me and smiled looking almost nervous “No your grace I’m just er waiting for some of the maids. We were going to spend some time together with a bit of tea after they finished their tasks.” I waved her off “Nonsense, now listen you needn’t call me your grace.” I reached over pulling her up though struggling a bit to pull her in as my gut got in the way “Listen, call me Julien.” she nodded “Well Julien I think I need to go” she said trying to push me away as I shook my head “Now now, you’re a lowborn aren’t you? Doesn’t that mean you have to go along with my words?” “Your gra-I mean Julien. That may be true but” I pressed her further against me she then continued “This isn’t- I don’t think the Empress would much appreciate this.” I shook my head “Oh no, please. That old woman can’t even bear me another child. But you. You look like a sweet candy cane at the end of a carrot!” she blinked confused. “Now come” I said gripping her wrist as I pulled her to the bedchambers. Of course she was wooed by me and accepted me fully. As I finished bedding her I decided Id’ keep her around. I’ve learned life is simply too short and one should always be happy to indulge themselves! In my case that means eating as I like and taking what I like and right now I think I want Amelie to come by my bedchambers more regularly. 27th of June, 1397 Amelie gave birth to a little girl considering she’s a widow there is now doubt it is my girl. I laughed her off when she demanded I take responsibility for what I’d done. “After what you’ve done to me, what you keep doing! And you won’t even recognize this child as yours?!” “What I’ve been doing is taking you for my own. Maybe if you didn’t keep seducing me-” “Seducing you?! You monster!” I frowned, shaking my head “Look just leave. Take that thing with you I have nothing else left to say. You peasant folk are all the same, give you anything and suddenly you think you’re royalty.” “How dare-” “I am your Emperor you whore! Go find some other fool because that is not MY child!” I waved her off as she turned to tears. The baby was already screaming and crying as she fled. Perhaps I’ll send her to a nunnery, yeah that’ll do. 26th of February, 1399 I’ve finally done it, my masterwork! I drafted a new law and passed it to be distributed among all of my vassals, the Hole in the Wall Act. By forcing all homesteads to have open holes in the walls wind will be able to freely pass through and provide fresh air to all people! What a wonderful law! With this the fresh air flowing through buildings will surely give peasants the needed air to function and work harder boosting performance! Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant I tell you! Processing img ooso1pefhpa51...
I collected some of the early posts about the Neymar transfer and added the reactions from the Reddit posts.
I was curious too see how the comment section changed during the posts and when people in general started to believe it. With inspiration to the post about every post-match thread when Leicester won the PL, here it is! Click on the link to get to the original Reddit-post. Also, just to be clear, I am not trying to laugh at someone when I added their username. I just thought it would look better and be funnier. (I wanted to do it throughout the whole saga, but this took too long.) (EDIT: I now did the whole saga) 1st of July
"MESSI ISOLATED IN BARCELONA DRESSING ROOM AS FELLOW STARS FREEZE HIM OUT" (WormMurphy)
This is why all the chatter of Neymar wanting to leave so he can become the main man of a club is bs. You can tell he is exactly where he wants to be. (reddit_no_likey)
Neymar's there for the long run. The person most likely to leave Barça is always the manager. (mootzart)
Ahh the "you'll always be second to Messi at Barca" meme that started a year before he even signed for us. Glad to see it's still alive and kicking. (Robbzor11)
I wish that one day we have a Summer without the bullshit "Neymar to PSG" rumours. (RTafazolli1)
So Neymar wants to move out of Messi’s shadow to win Balon d’or and the club he goes for is PSG? Lol sure. (Monarki)
About as likely as aliens making contact with Earth this transfer window (rentaiduo91)
hahahahahaha, imagine selling neymar to PSG when they won't sell Verratti to us. Also imagine transferring from on of the best clubs in the world to league 1 farmers. (moodchainz)
Unreliable newspapers say that Neymar's entourage want him to leave, while reliable sources say that his entourage want him to stay. I think the truth is pretty clear. (Robbzor11)
I don't know why we've even got to this point: Neymar doesn't play at Crystal Palace, he plays for Barca - basically the or at least top 3 biggest club in the world, in probably the world's top league - on ludicrous wages, with some of the best players in the world, with every chance of becoming the Top Guy himself in just a few years... and constantly talks about how he's happy with that. So, he's going to play in France for an Arab's plaything, with not-Messi for a slightly larger amount of money? That makes complete sense! (themanifoldcuriosity)
Hate to see Neymar leave, but 220M is enough to buy multiple solid replacements. Also, if PSG think they have a headache giving Veratti a new contract every year, they should be in for a treat when Neymar comes to town. (Magnu448)
Just leave already but give us enough chance to replace you the best we can. Don't wait till the last minute to put us in a bind. Also, PSG better deliver that 200m in cold hard cash. No discount, no BS. (cirad)
They said that the only thing preventing the move is Neymar's yes word. He's still unsure about it after talking with the board today. If he agrees this whole thing will be done. (DatFlushi)
That's too bad. There's too much football in a week to start watching PSG now, so I'll have to see Neymar on here in the highlights. (tietherope)
If Neymar was in my kitchen barebacking my wife over the counter with a PSG shirt on screaming in French the Marseillaise, I still wouldn't believe it (FuckZackSnyder)
I'm starting to feel this way as well..4-5 hours ago maybe its different, but all the "sources" are reiterating the same initial news. Also Paris united went all in on the Sanchez signing as well. I think their red blue and white goggles are tainting things a bit (blacknyellowliver)
Don't think Neymar knows what's going on at this point. (Surfacing710)
Next week when Neymar signs a new contract with Barcelona - Neymar: "I don't know where all these rumors came from. I always want to stay at Barcelona. Més que un club." (Yeahthatsnotright5)
100%. It's the same shit as Ronaldo irreversible rumours. I've never believed once that Neymar is leaving. All clickbait shit because it's a slow summer. I also honestly don't think PSG can pay that amount without running into problems with FFP. They'll buy Sanchez and pretend they were willing to also buy Neymar all along. (NoOneMakesItOutAlive)
I just don't believe that Neymar is so weak-willed that he can have his mind changed so frequently and so easily. This sounds like bollocks with extra bullshit sauce. (theglasscase)
Can't wait for this whole thing to be over. (DudeWithGlasses)
Is there anyone who isn't confused by this saga? (Jayveesac)
As I've gotten older I've become very suspicious of the off season. I'm coming to realise that these three months are most likely the media and clubs / league colluding to get attention in any way possible, no matter how fake it may be, to generate buzz for the upcoming season. It's all bullshit. Neymar, ronaldo, donnarumma, Aguero... All bullshit to get people taking about football whilst there is no football. Look how many threads and comments this nonsense generates despite no footballs even being kicked. I'm convinced the club's are in on the vast majority of these stories. They know it gets publicity whilst noones actually playing football! (moneysubber)
Do people still really think this will end up happening? I refuse to believe any rumour until it's officially posted by one of the clubs. (EnergetikNA)
The company Haalo Technology wants to transform the sport digitally and earn money with it. Tens of thousands of crypto investors and the SG 09 Wattenscheid as a flagship project are meant to support this venture. With the help of a million-dollar investment and technology, the SportsTech start-up wants to lead the fourth division football club into the Bundesliga and make it the most digital club in Europe. Is this just crazy or one of the most exciting sports business cases in Germany?
The DNA of Haalo Technology GmbH lies somewhere between Hawaii, Hamburg, Wattenscheid and the wide, difficult-to-grasp world of crypto currencies. The following story shows how this all fits together, which could become one of the most exciting SportsTech cases in this country. The name Haalo is originally from Hawaii and means sport. The tech company Haalo Technology was founded in Hamburg by Peter Jaeger his three co-founders. The computer scientist and business economist worked in various management positions for IT and technology companies during his career, including Hewlett-Packard (HP), IBM and most recently for Microsoft for six years. As a member of the executive board of Microsoft Germany he helped to build up the sports business for Microsoft. Partnerships with various Bundesliga clubs were concluded under his leadership, one of them with Hamburger SV. Jaeger is not only an IT expert and business economist, he is also a football fan and has a season ticket for HSV, whose home games he regularly visits with his two sons. He knows the Volksparkstadion and he knows what works in German Bundesliga stadiums — and what does not. Like so many digital managers in his profession, Jaeger is “convinced that sport is becoming more and more entertainment”. And in his opinion you should not have to queue at a sausage stand or at the security check for minutes before the game. Likewise, he cannot understand that decision-makers of football clubs want to ban beer runners or wifi in the stadium, because they fear that the actual product — football — could be in danger. For the former Microsoft man, the competitors of a Bundesliga club are not the other clubs in the league, but Netflix, Xbox or Sky. He says, “This way of thinking is better internalized in the US. Here in Germany it is often a bit dreamy. “
Four digital business fields
Jaeger is convinced that technology and digitization can fundamentally change sports. But he also knows that “the sport is only at the beginning of digitization”, and that’s exactly what he wants to use for his business. Haalo has set itself the goal of supporting sports institutions, i.e. clubs, associations, but also sponsors holistically in the digital transformation. The agency concentrates on four business areas, two of them being “Fans” and “Venues”. For example, the questions include: How can sport be made tangible for fans on the ground, but also for people who are not in the stadium? How can comfort be improved in order to attract new target groups? For women and children for example, there are not a lot of reasons to go to the stadium with their husbands or fathers anymore. Jaeger believes that digital products can help solve these problems. “Nowadays, the fan always gets the same information and advertising messages,” he says. “Whether he comes by car, public transport, by bike or on foot to the stadium. Whether he is an away or a home fan or whether he is watching the game at home on the couch on Sky or on the ‘sports show’. “At this point, Haalo wants to start. Instead of communicating the same message to all fans via LED boards, cam carpet or commercials, clubs and their marketers will be able to send personalized messages and offers to their target groups using data-driven marketing. In a healthy digital world of football, a club knows that the fan sitting in block B, row 5, seat 12 has just became a dad and is therefore planning to buy a new car. Due to this knowledge the club presents this fan the right offer of the respective car partner of his club on his smartphone. The same thing works not only with a fan in the stadium, but also one in front of the TV — at home, as well as abroad. “Gainchanger” is the name of this product, which is also the first technology the start-up has previously programmed. When applied, Haalo benefits from a marketing share of sales that the customer achieves through technology. Similar to “Gainchanger”, Haalo’s other business units (“Team”, “Venue” and “Clubs”) are based on Big Data, data that has been collected over a long period of time, used intelligently and individually displayed. In the “Venue” area, for example, Haalo wants to bring (permanent) cardholders, who always have the same travelling habits for home games, to their place with the help of an app for the optimal, most convenient route to the stadium and through the arena. Because a club knows the individual consumption behavior of a single fan through the collected data, it can ask him before the game or in the half-time break by push message, if he wants to place the same order as in the past five home games. If the customer agrees, the next catering station will be assigned to him and the exact pick-up time will be communicated. Haalo’s reasoning: Because the food and beverage order has already been paid for via the app, it does not only reduce the waiting time of the fans and thereby increase customer satisfaction, but it can also increase the catering revenue of a club. Many fans do not have a drink or a sausage in the half-time break because of a lack of time and because of long queues. The examples can be continued in many areas: Regarding the “Team” area, Haalo promises to improve the performance of players or an entire team by using performance data (speed, run or pass data). Thanks to a corresponding application, transfer and personnel decisions should also be data-supported and thus made easier. This product is called “Haalo Scout”, which is based on the fact that over a long observation period, data is being collected from the club´s own youth players as well as information about a large number of external players. Haalo also wants to work with streaming services such as Sporttotal.tv, using artificial intelligence to analyze the moving images and collect millions of performance data. Jaeger explains: “A scout cannot be at all pitches. If a machine automatically collects relevant data for the scout, then that is a business model.” The computer scientist is convinced. “The longer the observation periods, the better the information. And as a result, a club has to rely less on their gut when they make decisions. The question mark gets smaller. “
Crypto financing: million-dollar ICO
Haalo wants to finance itself in the first year as a classic start-up. It had a capital increase of approximately half a million euros, due to various entrepreneurs who acquired shares in the new company. Among other things, this basic financing will cover technology, personnel and other operating costs. Compared to the main funding, the startup financing is a joke. Haalo intends to raise a total of between 25 and 100 million euros from the crypto market, primarily within the Asian and American tech communities, through a global initial coin offering (ICO). At first, this amount sounds astronomical. But if you look a bit more closely at this financing option, the plan becomes more realistic, for example, when you consider that the last large ICO in Germany (Savedroid) had around 50 000 small investors contributing almost 40 million euros. In principle, an ICO works like a normal IPO. The company defines its currency and the number of its coins for sale. Investors who find a business idea — here by Haalo — lucrative, buy one or more coins and thus real money flows into the account of the company. As in the venture capital market, there are also coin exchanges and exchange rates in the crypto market. An investor can also sell his coin and trade with it. The biggest difference to a traditional stock exchange: no company shares are traded. Or to put it another way: none of the Haalo Coin investors own shares in Haalo. Basically, in a mirrored, virtual market, bets are made on a company’s ability to succeed. Be it through functioning products like “Gainchanger” or through other applications. Jaeger says, “The successful companies are the ones that will add value to their coin. Many companies cannot do that. If I cannot do anything else with my coin, then it will be useless.” So a coin must also be applicable to other things. The more applications there are for the coin and the more attractive these are, the more the coin is worth. A field of application can be, for example, a football tip game that Haalo wants to launch on the market — exclusively for cryptocurrencies. If a user wants to participate, he has to buy a Haalo Coin. Another thought is to finance the development of a player who today still plays in the youth of Wattenscheid 09 for example, but should become a professional player in the long run. This development can also be financed by crypto investors. Any investor who invests a portion of his or her coins in the player will benefit from him becoming a professional, be it by a share part of his transfer proceeds or a share of his salary.
The new Wattenscheid 09
Haalo intends to launch its ICO in the third quarter of 2018 and it is expected to be completed by the end of December. Until then, Haalo and Wattenscheid 09 are working on a common organizational structure. At the center of it is the Haalo Technology Holding, a limited liability company of which SG 09 Wattenscheid e. V. holds 13.5 percent through an investment company. The remaining shares of 86.5 percent are held by the four Haalo founders and external investors. The basis for bringing the project to life and investing money in the club is, however, a spin-off of the licensed player division of Wattenscheid 09. There is already a resolution by the supervisory board for the spin-off. In order to found the new “09 Soccer GmbH”, however, 75 percent of the club members have to vote for a spin-off within the framework of a general assembly. This should happen when the ICO has been successfully implemented. Jaeger leaves no doubt that the spin-off will work. He says: “At the general assembly of all club members in July 2018 we received a tremendous positive response to the joint project.” Haalo Holding intends to acquire 25.1 percent of the voting and financial rights of the 09 Soccer GmbH and, in return, intends to spend two million euros initially. In addition to this initial investment, Haalo plans to contribute another million euros annually — regardless of the league the club plays in — to help 09 to become successful again. This plan is not unrealistic — at least until the 2nd Bundesliga. In comparison: The total budget of the two Regionalliga-promoted clubs RW Oberhausen and Energie Cottbus in the 2017/18 season was just over one million euros. Even the players’ budgets of ambitious traditional clubs such as Karlsruher SC or 1. FC Kaiserslautern in the 3rd league are not higher than five million euros. The new money should not only be invested into players. In Wattenscheid great things are to be created and various subsidiaries are to be founded for this purpose. • For example, a new youth academy will be built. The newly founded Campus 09 Building GmbH is responsible for the construction together with Cree GmbH (by Rhomberg). The construction company will finance the project, which will cost around twelve million euros, and then rent it out to Campus 09 Building GmbH. A sustainable construction is planned, including wood and renewable fuels and passive ventilation systems. • In addition, Wattenscheid 09 could benefit from a project by the city of Wattenscheid and the state of North Rhine-Westphalia. The plan is to modernize the existing home ground (Lohrheidestadion) for around 20 million euros. In order for the site to retain its status as the Olympic training center for athletics, it is intended, among other things, to build multi-storey car parks and VIP grandstands, which could then also be used by the new campus for its own purposes. • Upon completion, the new 5000 to 6000 square meter campus will be home to all youth players of Wattenscheid 09 and all eSport teams. The new Campus 09 GmbH will include a boarding school as well as a school offer, which will include not only classical schooling and tutoring but also digital topics, entrepreneurship and values. An important role is played by Wolf-Dieter Hasenclever. The founding member of the German party “the Greens” advises Haalo as an educational politician and develops a pedagogical concept. • It is also planned to set up a dedicated eSport team, which will be integrated into the new subsidiary eSports 09 GmbH. Teams will be built for the most popular eSports games “Counter-Strike”, “Fortnite”, “League of Legends”, “Dota 2” and “FIFA”. • Haalo Tech GmbH serves as an investment company and incubator, a kind of Rocket Internet for SportsTech. In this venture, all ideas, applications and products developed by Haalo will be gathered.
Europe’s most digital club
In order for the SG 09 Wattenscheid to become a best practice example for Haalo, the Hamburg start-up wants to use all its products at Wattenscheid 09: in the stadium, in the youth academy, in the training of the first team, within the eSports teams and throughout the office. Similar to the sporting as well as the financial goals, Haalo pursues a noble goal: “Within the next five years we want to make Wattenscheid 09 the most digital club in Europe”, says Jaeger and adds: “We want to have a bigger digital reach than the FC Barcelona.” How ambitious — critics would say unrealistic — the goal is, the numbers show: FC Barcelona has a cumulative reach of over 170 million followers on the social media platforms Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Youtube. By comparison, Wattenscheid 09 currently has 5,800 fans on Facebook, just under 200 followers on Twitter and just under 1,600 subscribers on Instagram. Nevertheless, Jaeger does not want to be diverted from his plan. He says: “If one assumes 60,000 people invest in an ICO, then Wattenscheid 09 has 60,000 new followers in one instance. And this range will continue to spread virally. “A great leverage in his view is the eSport with the help of which he promises “fast worldwide reach”. Digitally the most innovative club in Europe or not — Haalo’s approach is unique in the sports business: a start-up financed by a cryptocurrency trying to push a low-class club in a digital and athletic way so that it can be used as an example to get their own business up and running. So far, Haalo is just beginning. For the business model to work, some barriers have to be overcome in the first instance. For example, the financing of an ICO, but also the spin-off at Wattenscheid 09. Above all, Haalo has to convince the first football clubs and win them as customers. If this succeeds, it could become a success story. A success story because software like “Gainchanger” is not only applicable in football but also in motorsport, basketball or tennis and therefore the company’s products can scale. And maybe Wattenscheid will play in one of Germany’s highest football leagues. Hierfindest du den Originalartikel von Sponsors.
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Number of accidental gorings sustained while sabotaging bullfights: 6.
Astrology reading for today: “Beware faux journalists.”
Okay, let’s start the second half on the right- Hola, senior egotist. What the fuck. [Taurus and an actual bull are in the interrogation room. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God has no idea how Taurus managed to get the animal in here, but it quite honestly frightens him. Not as much as being face to face with a bull frightens him, but still frightens him a bit. On a more lighthearted note, he is mesmerized by Taurus’s exotic accent and how the way in which he rolls his r’s reminds The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God of sweet cherries coated in milk chocolate being dipped gently into his ear holes. His panties moisten despite the fact he isn’t wearing any today.] Please, sit. But do not make any sudden movements. Eduardo does not like sudden movements. [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God takes a stance at the table which offers him the choice to uselessly flee to either side. The imprint of Fender’s face offers no protection or advice, nor does the dried blood. The trace amounts of cocaine might.] So, uhhh… a real bull, huh? Eduardo is my flame, my muse. I saved him from a bullfight in Barcelona. The magnificent creature had survived for twenty hours and was at his breaking point when I arrived at the arena. I will not regale you with the exciting and tantalizing tale of how I managed to escape with a two ton bull, but needless to say, it was very much like how I fit him into this cramped room. Are you even Spanish? In this fantasy world of yours anything’s possible, my friend. Point taken. And please refrain from any more comments like that, the meta can only withstand so much. I acquiesce to your demand, but only on the condition that you do not judge me prematurely. I'm scared. It is not my confession that should startle you so but your own closed mind should it reject what I an about to tell you. It may be hard for you to believe that Eduardo is more than my companion. He is my lover. [This is surely the most demented thing that will happen to The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God today.] u wot m8. [Taurus wraps his arms around Eduardo and glares at The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God like he's the most offensive thing in the room right now.] Is love between man and beast so wrong? Are you in any position to judge my relationship with this fantastical creature? Gaze at his luxurious tail and try to tell me he is of this depressingly bleak Earth. Try to tell me he is undeserving of my affections. [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God begrudgingly admits that Eduardo’s tail has a certain enticing swish to it, but that hardly warrants beastiality. Taurus nuzzles Eduardo. Eduardo nuzzles back. By The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God, the bull nuzzles back.] I must be off, there is a celebration of interspecies love where I am scheduled to give a speech. I am the keynote speaker and it could generate enough attention for Eduardo and I to receive the reality television show we so desperately wish for. Wish me luck, my bigoted friend. [Taurus extracts Eduardo from the room in a way that is extremely intriguing, possibly illegal, but not pertinent to this interrogation. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God is left in a state of utter bewilderment. His nonexistent panties, once so achingly full of hope, vigor, and fluids, are now drier than the Gobi desert. It occurs to him that this is by far the furthest Tagpro has been from any discussion thus far.] A$ap Caplord - Captain of What Can Dinos Do?
Number of dino emotes used: Countless
Number of times he could have done something conducive but instead deferred to ask ‘wcyd’: Very Countless
Number of times he’s refused to give The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God admin powers in gen chat: Make him admin already you dino fucker
First and foremost, where the hell did you come up with that team name? [dino emote] How, what, how are you making that noise and twisting your face like that. That’s not humanly possible. [dino emote] How the shit. [amused dino emote] Hold on, The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God is beginning to understand the subtle intricacies of the dino emote. [incredulous dino emote that might say, “Understand dino? That unpossible!”] Oh yes, he has definitely seen this kind of language before. Caplord’s a crafty bastard but he’s not as clever as he thinks. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God did several tours of duty fighting off the lizard people attempting to infiltrate world governments, and what are dinos but oversized lizards? [aggitaged dino emote that probably says, “Lizards were friends! How dare you!”] Friends they might have been, but they stood no chance against us. [Caplord finally reveals his true form as that of a dino saboteur. This has been a long time coming between him and The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God. It shall be their final battle. Dinolord screeches and flies at The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God, but unbeknownst to Dinolord, he was an amateur gator wrestler in his heyday. He swiftly dodges and snags the dino in a headlock.] Where’s your lair?! The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God knows you have a subterranean hideout somewhere, goddamnit! [rebellious dino emote that says, “I’ll never tell! You’ll have to kill me first!”] If that’s the way you want it, we can do this the hard way! [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God grabs Dinolord’s tail, swings him around a few times, and slams him into the table. His dino fangs sink down and pin him to it.] [pained dino emote that whimpers, “Teef hur.”] You’re the only one who can stop the pain, Dinolord. You know how. [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God is too cocky for his own good. Dinolord whips his muscular tail around and sends his opponent flying against the opposite wall. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God knocks many wall tiles loose in the impact and is knocked dizzy long enough for Dinolord to dislodge himself.] [retreative dino emote that yells, “You haven’t seen the last of us, human! The dino’s day shall come again!”} [Dinolord shrieks one last time and claws through the interrogation room’s southern wall and escapes before The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God can stop him. The final battle is in reality the penultimate battle.] Scaly son of a bitch! [Dinolord is gone. However, he has committed one fatal flaw. A single fang is still stuck in the table. On its tip is a small amount of soil sample from the tunnel Dinolord chewed out to breach the surface world. A forensic analysis will quickly reveal which region the soil hails from.] You may have survived this time, Dinolord, but The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God won’t rest until that asteroid is only the second-worst disaster in dino history. That’s a promise. Armbranch - Captain of He Love Tree
Number of trees hugged: Several forests worth.
Accumulated amount of scovilles from pepper sprays to the eyes: Rough equivalence of a Carolina Reaper.
Possibility that his activism has saved anything: -5%
[Armbranch’s interrogation is the only one to take place outside. This is because he has chained himself to a tree in the midst of a logging company’s most recent excursion and The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God can’t find the key to the chains. The loggers seem to think of him as some kind of mascot or good luck charm, as they provide him with food and water as they work around his tree. Armbranch himself seems oblivious to this while he struggles to shout anti-forresting slogans over the din of their machines.] Thanks for coming out to support the trees, man, I really appreciate it. These dudes are straight out of freakin’ FernGully. Well, that’s not exactly why The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God came here, but if it tricks you into talking, he wishes to save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, and save those snails. Righteous, man! Are you going to be able to captain this season while juggling your extracurricular activities? Dude, Tagpro’s just a tool for the Man to keep us down. I’m going undercover as a captain to take Lucky down just like I’m taking these loggers down. It’s gonna be so cool dude. So you think Lucky represents authority. Hell yeah dude, he’s totally part of the establishment! Man, I just, I just really wish the balls didn’t have to pop when they, y’know, when they get tagged. Like, it’s really upsetting. It’s so violent, dude! Why’s it gotta be like that? [Armbranch breaks out in actual tears.] Why can’t Lucky just make it so they’re put in timeout, man? They didn’t do anything wrong, they didn’t choose to be controlled by us just for our amusement! It sucks, man, it really sucks! You have a kind soul and a soft head, Mr. Branch. Assuming you get out of this predicament, how exactly do you plan on stopping Lucky for his hypothetical crimes? Easy, I’m gonna stage a sit-in during all my games. I’ll be sitting in the middle of the map and spamming messages in chat. Yeah my players might get angry at me but someone’s gotta do it, dude. We can’t let this go on. Innocent balls are popping like popcorn and no gives a shit, man! I can’t sit back and let it happen! No, The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God supposes you cannot. Hey, can you do me a favor? The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God will consider it. Can you scratch my balls? No. C’mon man, they’ve been itching for like two hours! I’ve been trying to get all the dumb loggers to scratch ‘em but they just laugh at me and give me more water! Usually by dumping buckets on my head. No. Alright, fine, I’ll give you fifty bucks. Just help a dude out! [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God sighs and considers his financial situation. The Committee of The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God Related Interests for the Advancement of The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God van is low on fuel and needs a top off to collect the last few captains.] Fine, but tell no one. My lips are sealed, bro. [The deed is quickly done. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God’s hand comes back smelling of tree sap and parental disappointment.] This hand will have to be destroyed. We’re done here, Armbranch. Sweet man, glad I could help you out. Stay cool! [Armbranch goes back to yelling at the loggers while The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God collects his money and searches online for the closest vat of hydrochloric acid he can find.] PASSTHEFLAG - Captain of Chicago Pubes
Number of failed revolutions: 3
Number of memes lost in the fight: 34,236
Number of good memes lost in the fight: 2
[PTF is in an odd situation as he swaps the comfort of one cell for another. He arrives in the interrogation room a broken man, broken in his war waged against the injustice of memes having been banned on the Tagpro subreddit. Good memes, bad memes, stolen memes, he’s seen it all in his fight for meme justice. He is a man with no past and no future, no history and no direction. The only thing left to him is pain.] Seems like you’ve had a pretty bad run of luck, PTF. Luck? Luck had nothing to do with it. I was betrayed by those I thought were my friends, those who I trusted with my life. I still hear the memes cry out to me, the cries of doges and ball puns that have been silenced. They were a part of me and now they’re gone. A phantom limb, gone in every sense except the pain. Who betrayed you? They played me like a damn fiddle! [He slumps down. The man has obviously gone through psychological torture the likes of which would destroy normal men. He continues speaking without looking at me.] Why am I still here? Just to suffer? [He pauses.] They strapped me down, held my eyes open while they forced me to watch them scroll through page after page of 9gag and ifunny. Endless demotivational posters and pictures of infinite Super Mario 64 cartridges while the submitter brags about, ‘this gem I found at a garage sale xDDDD.’ They tried turning the memes against me. THE MEMES, GODDAMNIT, THE SAME MEMES I’M FIGHTING FOR! Jesus fucking Christ…. Let me go. What? Let me go! I still have a few loyal to me that I know weren’t behind the betrayal. They’ll ambush the convoy coming to take me back and I’ll escape through the hole in that wall. You can tell the mods I overpowered you. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God isn’t sure that’s a good idea. There are dinos and bulls and cocaine running rampant out there. Oh my. You think your interrogations are so different? They might not be meme in nature but they straddle the line. How long until you’re a target? How long until they bust down your door and throw you on the other side of this table? You don’t have to join the fighting, but let me go and I’ll make sure you’re protected when the revolution comes. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God… is considering it. The memes, Oz. The memes. The memes…. The memes. The memes? The. Memes. The memes. THE MEMES! [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God has heard enough. He unlocks PTF’s restraints before he can stop himself and helps the broken man up. PTF is limping but he fights through the pain and hobbles down the hole and onto street level.] You won’t regret this. I promise. [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God cannot look at him.] Go. [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God listens to PTF scamper down the alley and hopes he hasn’t made a terrible mistake. He reflects on the interrogations so far and comes to the conclusion that only the most neurotic and deranged of individuals could helm a Tagpro team. With only one more left, how much worse could it possibly get?] Sir Cle Jerk - Captain of SirCleJerkers
Number of shits taken: Enough to make a measurable contribution to the destruction of the ozone.
Number of times talked about shits taken/shits about to be taken: Literally all he talks about on groupme. Dead fuckin’ serious.
Probability he’s reading this while taking a shit: 99%.
So good of you to take time out of your busy schedule to talk. Can we hurry this up? I really gotta take a shit. You just came back from the toilet after keeping The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God waiting for half an hour. Mother Nature waits for no man, my friend. S’not my fault my body produces shit at a rate that would make a cow blush. Might want to take a look at your diet, but we don’t have time to explore the Eighth Wonder of the World that is your anus. You’re a certified veteran of NLTP, so how does that impact your strategies and how you’re planning to formulate your team’s lineup? Well I don’t know about any of that, but I can tell you that the shit I had last night was one of those shits I like to call a ‘colon cleanser,’ you know, the kind that makes you feel like a new man, like you just drank a gallon of prune juice and let all your sins flush out of you, like you just had a poop gremlin climb up in there and clean up like he was being paid triple, like- Please stop. Of course, before that I had the constipation shits, which can’t even really be called shits if we’re being serious, so the time before that I had the kind of shit that twists your guts up and fights you all the way but once it’s out it feels amazing- PLEASE. I have had a long day and I’d like to finish already. I’m serious dude, you’re gonna regret it if you don’t let me go take a shit. Sir Cle, The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God hardly thinks there’s anything you could do to make me regret- Too late! I needed to release the pressure and you didn’t let me! [Sir Cle jumps up, pops a squat on the table, and pulls his pants down. His extremely elastic balls droop down to such a degree that it’s impossible for them not to submerge themselves in toilet water every time he takes one of his frequent shits.] What the FUCK. [Try as he might, The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God cannot take his eyes off the two testicular singularities. It’s as if they have a telepathic hold over his mind, forcing him to watch as they swing hypnotically, much like twin pendulums of a grandfather clock. They cascade back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and the patterns they trace in The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God’s mind bestow upon him the date of the Second Coming. Before he can transcribe this information in order to warn others, Sir Cle lets loose with a chunky, voracious fart of the highest magnitude. It is the kind of fart that could strip the paint from a Sherman tank, waft over to Axis territory, and choke out a battle-hardened squadron of German Schutzstaffel, utterly embarrassing mustard gas in comparison to the point where it appears no more dangerous than a can of Warheads candy spray.] [The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God is quickly overwhelmed. In the single whiff he gets before being knocked out, it is a smell that can only be described as the chromosomally-overdeveloped love child between a sopping wet cur dunked in a tank truck of skunk extract and a nursing home in which all residents have been left to ferment in their Huggies for a week straight on a strict diet of warm soured milk and greasy, righteously-pounded Smashburger. The interrogation continues, but interrogator and interrogatee have swapped roles. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God has taken his first nonconsensual steps on the journey towards the true meaning of suffering, and it is stinky.] [Around this time, it looks like there might be a problem on hand.] [A literal eruption of shit spews forth from Sir Cle’s ass, hereafter referred to as the Inner Sanctum of Hades. The resulting earthquake is so severe it registers on the Richter scales of major cities in several neighboring states. A busload of small children unfortunate enough to be within a two-block radius of the event horizon are temporarily deafened by the squelching explosion, and in the coming weeks there are several thousand reports of family pets going berserk and attempting to flee through whatever means available, including but not limited to flying through windows and scampering up chimneys. Several pets who chose the chimney unearthed skeletons of men clothed in red suits and fake beards, though the origin and significance of this has yet to be discovered.] [By this point there’s a slim chance things could spiral out of control.] This is your fault, boiiiiiiii [Through the previously unconceivable power of sheer sphincter-splintering fecal expulsion, he has achieved escape velocity, crashing through the roof and leaving the interrogation room in a state which completely demolishing the building and quarantining the city for a SHITCON 1 biohazard scrubbing will never truly exorcise the horrors witnessed here. Several hundred people die in the next few months after being overcome by the smell. The only viable comparison is that of Chernobyl and Fukushima, and even then survivors of those nuclear disasters are heard whispering after news reaches them that, ‘at least we still have our dignity.’ Sir Cle is last seen as a brown shooting star somewhere off in the Andromeda galaxy. The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God is found later on, having not drowned in a flood of poo by way of miraculous intervention. The straw from his drink lodged in his nose and acted as a breathing apparatus. He is resoundly traumatized, spouting delirious conspiracies of Judgement Day’s imminent arrival he divined from, ‘the balls of an angel.’ He makes a full recovery and goes on to pen a bestselling autobiography of his copulation with what will go down in history textbooks as The Smelly Death. This small fortune drains rapidly after a series of short sighted bets on the Cleveland Browns winning the World Series.] [A hardened shit mask of Fender’s face inexplicably finds its way to the heart of the Amazon jungle, where a tribe of natives worships it as their new god of sex, drugs, and rock and roll.] [In time it is learned that Sir Cle is actually descended from an alien world of creatures whose longevity depends, in blatant disregard for all laws of physics, solely on the frequency of their bowel movements. Sir Cle has proven once and for all that we are not alone, and that, indeed, everyone poops.] And with that, captain interrogations are concluded! I hope everyone had a fun time reading these, The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God had several decades of his life shorn off retrieving this information for you dickheads. Never let it be said he didn’t suffer for his art. If you are a captain and were offended by this, please leave a comment and explain why so The Artist Formerly Known as Oz God knows how to satirize you during the next interrogations. Or he might just choose some randos if they leave a comment too, who knows.
Chelsea are finally starting to get going in this summer's transfer window, according to Sky Sports pundit Gary Neville. "For me, Courtois is one of the best," the former Man Utd captain told Sky Sports' Premier League launch show. "I absolutely love him. I know people say I’m critical of 'keepers, but I also love quite a few keepers and I absolutely love Courtois. "He’s [Kepa] got big shoes to fill and it’s a big price. Pep Guardiola said in an interview with us that Chelsea are going to do quite a lot of business in the next few days and obviously the market talks and agents talk. "Chelsea look like they are moving. They have been a little slow in the transfer market and a little bit less obvious in the transfer market over the last few years than they have been previously. It looks like they are making a move again." 18:22
MILAN IN BAKAYOKO TALKS
AC Milan in talks to sign Chelsea midfielder Tiemoue Bakayoko on loan, according to Sky Italy. The France international arrived from Monaco last summer for £40m. 18:15
'KEPA A BIG GAMBLE'
Chelsea's potential world-record capture of Bilbao 'keeper Kepa is a big risk, according to former Spurs midfielder Ryan Mason. "It is a big gamble," he told SSN. "It is going to be very difficult to replace Courtois because for me he is in the top three to five 'keepers in the world. He has proven that over a number of years now. "I do not see many 'keepers who can come in and replace that. So to now go and sign someone for an extortionate amount of money that is not proven to be one of the so-called best in the world is a big risk." 17:57
RODRIGUEZ STARTS FOR BAGGIES
West Brom striker Jay Rodriguez starts against Nottingham Forest in the Championship tonight, a match you can follow live on Sky Sports Football and SkySports.com. Burnley are set to make an improved offer of £18m later on Tuesday, SSN understands. 17:44
CHELSEA IN ADVANCED £71.6M KEPA TALKS
Chelsea are in advanced talks to sign Bilbao 'keeper Kepa Arrizabalaga, according to Sky sources. It is understood the 23-year-old – a Spain international with one cap – would cost the Blues £71.6m, which would be a world-record fee for a 'keeper. Reports in Spain this evening have gone as far as to say that Chelsea’s intentions are fly the player to London on Wednesday and have him train on Thursday, with the hope he could make his debut in their season-opener against Huddersfield on Saturday. 17:37
BOURNEMOUTH SEAL £25M LERMA DEAL
Bournemouth have completed the £25m signing of Levante's Jefferson Lerma, according to Sky sources. 17:31
EVENING HEADLINES
Here is a quick roundup of where we stand with today's main transfer stories... 17:23
BOGLE BACK WITH BIRMINGHAM ON LOAN
Cardiff City striker Omar Bogle has joined Birmingham City on a season-long loan. The deal marks a return to St Andrews for the 25-year-old, who came through City's youth ranks before being released in the summer of 2011. Bogle dropped into non-league football with Hinckley United, Solihull Moors and Grimsby Town, who he helped secure promotion from the National League. He joined Wigan in January 2017 but was on the move again at the end of that season, joining Cardiff for a fee of £700,000. 17:16
PEP: CITY'S BUSINESS OVER
Man City manager Pep Guardiola has told Sky Sports' Premier League launch show that the champions will not sign anymore players this summer. City have so far signed just Riyad Mahrez from Leicester for £60m and Claudio Gomes on a free from PSG. 17:09
Leicester 'keeper Kasper Schmeichel has hit out at the "exceptionally harsh" treatment of new Burnley signing Joe Hart, saying people have very short memories. He said: "I've known Joe for a long time and I think he's been exceptionally harshly treated in many respects. "Not just what happened at Man City, where I don't think he was given a chance to prove what he could do, and then the whole England debacle I found that quite staggering at the time. "But for Joe, the important thing is to get home, stay living at home and get a bit of normality back into his life." 16:44
COURTOIS OUT, KEPA AND KOVACIC IN?
SSN reporter Dharmesh Sheth brings us all the latest on what is going on at Chelsea as we approach TDD... 16:38
AGBOOLA JOINS COLCHESTER
Defender David Agboola has joined Colchester following a successful trial. The 18-year-old defender, formerly of Dagenham & Redbridge, has signed a one-year deal having caught the eye with his performances in pre-season. Agboola will initially join Kevin Horlock’s U23 squad, who get their season under way at Hull on Sunday. https://twitter.com/ColU_Official/status/1026827308756287489 16:32
LERMA FINISHING BOURNEMOUTH MEDICAL
SSN reporter Mark McAdam has been updating us on Bournemouth's club-record £25m pursuit of Levante's Jefferson Lerma. "Lerma has just been meeting Eddie Howe and various members of the Bournemouth management," he said. "And he is now heading off to a local hospital to put the finishing touches to his medical at the club." 16:24
Real Madrid boss Julen Lopetegui has confirmed that 'keeper Keylor Navas is part of his plans for this season. 15:44
CHELSEA OFFERED KOVACIC
Real Madrid have offered Chelsea Mateo Kovacic on loan in order to persuade them to sell Thibaut Courtois, say Sky sources. Croatian midfielder Kovacic has been told he can leave Madrid this summer. They are prepared to let him join Chelsea on a season-long loan. Chelsea will not let Courtois go until they find a replacement. 15:39
PUEL: IMPORTANT TO KEEP MAGUIRE
Leicester manager Claude Puel says it is important they keep Harry Maguire amid Man Utd's interest in the defender. "For me it's good for Leicester to keep a valuable player, and it's important to show good ambition for the next season," Puel told Sky Sports News. "I can understand some speculation about our player because he has good attributes, but I am happy to keep him and hopefully start a great season. "We lost Riyad Mahrez, who was a very good player for us. After Riyad it was important to keep our players and add some good players to strengthen the team." 15:33
DEADLINE DAY ON SKY SPORTS
The summer transfer window closes on Thursday and you can follow all the Deadline Day news and drama with Sky Sports. Clubs have until 5pm to do business as the window shuts for the first time before the new Premier League season starts and as managers scramble to bolster their squads before the big kick-off, we will make sure you don't miss a thing. From timings, key dates and deal sheets to following the developments at home or on the move, here's all you need to know... 15:21
AFTERNOON HEADLINES
Here is a quick roundup of where we stand with some of the day's main transfer stories...
Thibaut Courtois seems determined to force through a move away to Real after the Chelsea 'keeper failed to report for training for the second day in a row
Man City 'keeper Joe Hart's future is already sorted with he former England No 1 having joined Burnley on a two-year deal
Sky sources are telling us Burnley make an improved £18m offer for West Brom striker Jay Rodriguez
Rodriguez not the only target for Sean Dyche as we understand they're in talks to sign Matej Vydra from Derby. That move would see Nakhi Wells move to Pride Park as part of the deal. If it goes through Vydra's transfer would be permanent, while Wells would move to Derby on loan...
Levante's Colombia international Jefferson Lerma is having a medical at Bournemouth ahead of what will be a club-record transfer
14:59
'JOSE SHOULD MAKE POGBA CAPTAIN'
Jamie Redknapp and Danny Murphy believe Man Utd boss Jose Mourinho should make Paul Pogba his captain at Old Trafford in order to keep the France playmaker at the club. 14:43
JACKETT BACKS WHEELER
Portsmouth boss Kenny Jackett expects new signing David Wheeler to boost the club’s goal threat. The 27-year-old forward has joined Pompey on a season-long loan deal from QPR. Wheeler joined the Rs last summer from Exeter but was hampered by injury and made only nine appearances, scoring one goal. But Wheeler had netted 39 times in four seasons with Exeter before his move to Loftus Road. 14:30
BURNLEY & DERBY IN VYDRA-WELLS TALKS
Burnley are in talks to sign Matej Vydra (pictured) permanently from Derby County, with Nahki Wells moving in the other direction on loan, according to Sky sources. Both players are understood to be ready to take medicals at their respective new clubs on Tuesday. Vydra was set to join Leeds United, who had agreed an £11m fee with Derby, but the Czech Republic international turned down the move. Sky Sports News understands he failed to agree personal terms with Leeds, and preferred a move to the Premier League. 14:26
'CHELSEA SHOULD LET COURTOIS GO'
Jamie Redknapp and Danny Murphy told The Debate that Chelsea should allow unsettled goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois to leave Stamford Bridge. 14:11
Shrewsbury Town midfielder Bryn Morris has joined Wycombe Wanderers on-loan until January. The 22-year-old midfielder featured 30 times in all competitions last season, but was not included in their opening-day defeat away to Bradford. 13:51
Manchester United will resist any offers for Paul Pogba and Anthony Martial while continuing their search for a centre-back, ESPN report. Jose Mourinho has made it clear he wants to secure two more signings before Thursday’s 5pm deadline, but acknowledges that signing a defender is a priority, with Toby Alderweireld, Jerome Boateng, Harry Maguire and Yerry Mina linked with a move to Old Trafford. As a result, United have no intention of losing Pogba or Martial, two of their high-profile players, although they are willing to listen to offers for Matteo Darmian and Marcos Rojo. 13:23
DEMBELE AS POGBA MAKEWEIGHT?
Barcelona do not have an agreement in place with Paul Pogba but the La Liga champions are working hard to sign the Manchester United midfielder. Barca are hoping to tempt United into selling the Frenchman by putting forward cash-plus-players proposals. Yerry Mina, Andre Gomes and Rafinha are the Catalan club’s preferred makeweights but Mundo Deportivo claim they may also be willing to consider using Ivan Rakitic or Ousmane Dembele. 13:17
COURTOIS FUTURE LATEST
Reporter Jane Dougall has been speaking on Sky Sports News to update us on the latest news regarding Thibaut Courtois at Chelsea. She said: "We understand after failing to turn up at Wembley on Sunday, Courtois didn't turn up for training two days in a row. He was due to have talks with Maurizio Sarri yesterday, but it has been reported he will not stand in Courtois' way if he wants to leave. "Chelsea are reluctant to let him go, though, without a new number one to replace him, which will be tricky with two days of the transfer window left." You can see those in the frame to replace Courtois below (14.04)... 13:16
WATCH: HOT DEADLINE DAY TIP
Sky Sports News reporter Jamie Weir cuts through the froth to find out what's really going to be brewing on Transfer Deadline Day. 13:04
CHELSEA EYE UP COURTOIS REPLACEMENTS
Athletic Bilbao’s Kepa Arrizabalaga is a goalkeeper target for Chelsea, Sky Sports News understands. With the Blues resigned to losing Thibaut Courtois to Real Madrid before the deadline after he missed training for a second day today, the club are focusing their attentions on securing his replacement. Stoke’s Jack Butland remains their first choice because of the nature of the deal, according to Sky sources, which is expected to cost them £30m if they can act quickly - but that price will rise the close to the deadline it becomes. Arrizabalaga would cost Chelsea much more, and a fee of around £70m would make him the most expensive goalkeeper in the world - eclipsing Alisson only weeks after the Brazilian joined Liverpool. Maurizio Sarri would also like to go for Atletico goalkeeper Jan Oblak, but his £89m release clause is a stumbling block. 13:01
TERRIERS WANT NEW WINGER
Huddersfield are interested in signing Montpellier winger Isaac Mbenza, according to Sky sources. 12:53
GUDJOHNSEN SON JOINS REAL
Eidur Gudjohnsen's son Andri Lucas Gudjohnsen has joined Real Madrid, the 16-year-old has revealed. Writing on Instagram after moving from Espanyol, he said: "Very excited and pleased to announce that I have signed with Real Madrid! Looking forward to the future." The move could provide some friction in the Gudjohnsen household - dad Eidur famously turned out for Barcelona after leaving Chelsea during his playing career. And should he play for his national team at any point, he will follow in the footsteps of both his father and grandfather. 12:42
MINA ABSENT FROM BARCA TRAINING
Everton and Manchester United target Yerry Mina missed Barcelona training this morning, reporter Vinny O'Connor has just confirmed to Sky Sports News. The Colombian defender, who scored three goals from centre-back at the World Cup, is being chased by both clubs - so his absence will increase speculation over his future even more. 12:37
CELTIC REJECT BOYATA BID
Brendan Rodgers has been speaking ahead of Celtic's game with AEK Athens tomorrow night (preview here), and confirmed Fulham have rejected a firm bid for Dredryk Boyata. Rodgers said the Bhoys had knocked back the bid because "it would be very difficult for us to replace him at this late stage". 12:24
LEVERKUSEN LOAN FOR THELIN
Bayer Leverkusen have signed Sweden forward Isaac Kiese Thelin on a season-long loan from Anderlecht. The 26-year-old, who was in Sweden's World Cup squad, spent last season on loan at Belgian side Waasland-Beveren. "He has developed excellently in the Belgian league," Leverkusen head coach Heiko Herrlich said on the club website. "Isaac is an additional option for us up front." 12:19
BURNLEY BACK IN J-ROD HUNT
Sky Sports News understands Burnley will make an improved £18m offer to West Brom for striker Jay Rodriguez later today. Sean Dyche is becoming increasingly frustrated by the situation and wants a new striker in before the deadline - it's thought Rodriguez is keen on a move back to the Premier League in his home town, but is prepared to stay and try to get Albion back into the top division if a deal can’t be done. 12:14
LEICESTER CLOSE TO DEFENDER
Leicester City have a broad agreement with Dinamo Zagreb for young defender Filip Benkovic, Sky Sports News understands, with the Croatian Under-21 international due to fly to England later today for further talks. The deal could cost Leicester more than £10m, but it’s understood Claude Puel considers him as a good prospect for the future, rather than someone who can go straight into the first team - and is not viewed as a Harry Maguire replacement. 12:09
SWANSEA WANT YEOVIL DEFENDER
Swansea are in talks over a potential deal to sign Yeovil’s Tom James, according to Sky sources. The defender’s deal to West Brom collapsed over personal terms last week, giving the Swans renewed hope. James is predominantly a right-back can cover anywhere across the back-four - making him an attractive possible squad member. He played in Yeovil's 1-0 defeat to Bury on Saturday - but was sent off. 12:07
WHO IS RYAN EDMONDSON?
He's just signed a new deal at Leeds United, but who is 17-year-old striker Ryan Edmondson? There's no test on this, but if he ends up as England's star striker remember where you heard his name first... https://twitter.com/LUFC/status/1026796377110654976 12:00
LUNCHTIME HEADLINES
With Deadline Day rapidly approaching, it’s been a hectic day on the transfer front. For those just joining us, here’s a round-up of the today’s top stories...
Sources: Thibaut Courtois has failed to report for Chelsea training for the second day running.
Burnley have confirmed the signing of Joe Hart from Manchester City for an undisclosed fee on an initial two-year contract.
Sources: Middlesbrough winger Adama Traore is undergoing a medical ahead of a club record £18m move to Premier League new-boys Wolves.
Sources: West Ham close to agreeing deal to sign Arsenal striker Lucas Perez.
Brighton have completed the signing of winger Anders Dreyer from Danish Superliga side Esbjerg.
Sources: Jefferson Lerma will undergo a medical at Bournemouth today.
Sources: Middlesbrough are attempting an ambitious move for Everton winger Yannick Bolasie.
Sources: Kevin Mirallas has undergone a medical at Fiorentina this morning ahead of his season-long loan move from Everton.
Rangers have confirmed the signing of Croatian international full-back Borna Barisic from NK Osijek on a four year deal.
11:53
TRANSFER TARGET: THIBAUT COURTOIS
We take a look at some of Thibaut Courtois’ best Premier League saves, as the Chelsea goalkeeper continues to be linked with Real Madrid. 11:47
Aitor Karanka confirms Nottingham Forest are interested in signing West Ham defender Sam Byram. 11:25
McGINN ARRIVES FOR VILLA TALKS
Hibernian midfielder John McGinn has arrived at Aston Villa’s training ground for talks about a possible move to the Midlands, Sky Sports News understands, but Celtic are still very much in the frame to sign him. No fee has yet been agreed between Villa and Hibs for the 23-year-old Scotland international. Celtic have seen several bids for McGinn rejected this summer, and it’s thought both the player and Hibs prefer a move to the English Championship. 11:16
BREAKING NEWS
Chelsea goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois has not reported for training for the second day in a row, Sky Sports News understands. 11:06
‘I WILL GIVE MY HEART TO IBROX’
New Rangers signing Borna Barisic has vowed to repay the faith of the fans after sealing his move to Glasgow. “I think the most important thing is that in every game I give 100 per cent,” the Croatia international told Rangers TV. “I think the Rangers fan recognise that and I will give my heart for Ibrox – I think that is important. “I want to give back for all the messages the fans have sent me, and all the belief the manager has shown me. I need to back all this up on the pitch, and I will do that.” 10:57
BARISIC SEALS RANGERS MOVE
Rangers have confirmed the signing of NK Osijek captain Borna Barisic on a four-year deal. The Croatia full-back, who scored against Steven Gerrard's side in the recent Europa League qualifiers, has joined the club for a fee believed to be around £2m. Although he missed out on the final squad for his country's recent World Cup campaign, he has three caps at international level and is the 11th signing for Gerrard since taking over as Rangers boss. 10:48
KOVACIC TO CHELSEA?
Mateo Kovacic is closing on a season-long loan to Chelsea, reports Marca. Kovacic trained with Real Madrid on Monday but after speaking with the club he has decided he will not train or wear their shirt again, for the time being. He publicly announced his desire to change clubs during the World Cup and has asked the club to leave on three occasions. The club had declared Kovacic non-transferrable and the player, who is determined to leave the Bernabeu in search of regular first-team football, did not understand their stance. But Marca claim Madrid have given up with their efforts to keep Kovacic and the Croatia international is on the verge of joining Chelsea on a season-long loan. 10:36
Sprint legend Usain Bolt has been handed a trial at Australian side Central Coast Mariners. The eight-time Olympic gold medallist has committed to an indefinite training period with the A-League club, with the aim to develop him into a professional footballer. Bolt is not guaranteed a professional playing contract but the trial presents him with an opportunity to fulfil his burning desire to play professional football. “I am very excited about coming to Australia and would like to thank the owner and management of the Central Coast Mariners for giving me this opportunity,” Bolt said. 10:29
WATCH: TRANSFER BULLETIN
Up-to-the-minute transfer news from Sky Sports News, with updates on Paul Pogba, Thibaut Courtois and more! 10:19
WOLVES MEDICAL FOR TRAORE
Middlesbrough winger Adama Traore has undergone a medical at Wolves this morning, according to Sky sources. Sky Sports News understands the 22–year-old Spaniard is now on the verge of a club-record £18m move to the newly-promoted Premier League club. Wolves triggered Traore’s £18m release clause after an initial bid of £12m was turned down by Boro. 10:13
HAMILTON CONFIRM DOUBLE DEAL
Hamilton have announced the signings of Delphin Tshiembe and Jacob Marsden. Born in DR Congo, 26-year-old Tshiembe, who can operate at centre back or in central midfield, came through the youth ranks at FC Copenhagen but most recently played with AC Horsens in the Danish Superliga. Marsden, is a 21-year-old goalkeeper who signed professional terms with Ipswich before moving into non-league to gain experience at clubs including St Ives Town and Mildenhall. 10:08
BREAKING NEWS
Kevin Mirallas underwent a medical at Fiorentina this morning ahead of his proposed season-long loan from Everton, according to Sky in Italy. 10:03
BREAKING NEWS
Adama Traore is having a medical at Wolves ahead of club-record £18m move from Middlesbrough, according to Sky sources. 09:48
Joe Hart has left Manchester City to join Burnley on an initial two-year deal. The England international has brought a trophy-laden 12-year spell at City to an end by agreeing to move to Burnley in a deal worth around £3.5m. Burnley have an option to his extend Hart’s contract by a further year. The signing is a timely addition to Sean Dyche’s squad, with goalkeepers Nick Pope and Tom Heaton injured with less than three days to go until the start of the Premier League. 09:30
Rio Ferdinand has warned Manchester United executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward not to sell Paul Pogba, amid reported interest from Barcelona. Ferdinand, who made over 450 appearances for United during a trophy-laden 12–year spell at Old Trafford, has called on his former club to dismiss the speculation surrounding Pogba’s future and sign Tottenham defender Toby Alderweireld. "Don't you dare allow this ED... #MUFC is Pogba's home!!” Ferdinand wrote on Twitter. “Silence these rumours ASAP & get @AlderweireldTob through the door." 09:21
POGBA ‘AGREES BARCA TERMS’
Barcelona have agreed terms with Paul Pogba as reports in Italy claim the La Liga champions are stepping up their pursuit of the Manchester United midfielder. A story from the Daily Mirror, based on the Italian reports, claim Pogba has agreed a five-year deal worth £100m with Barcelona. Sky Sports News brought you the news earlier that United had rejected a cash-plus-player offer - £45m plus Andre Gomes and Yerry Mina - from Barca for Pogba. 09:14
BORO CHASE BOLASIE
Middlesbrough have launched an ambitious move for Everton winger Yannick Bolasie, Sky Sports News understands. The 29-year-old is surplus to requirements at Goodison Park and is available for around £15m, despite joining the Toffees two years ago for £26m. Boro boss Tony Pulis knows Bolasie from his time as manager of Crystal Palace. We understand the DR Congo international is also interesting former club Palace and Burnley, but Boro have money to spend after selling Ben Gibson and Patrick Bamford for a combined £25m this week. 09:05
BREAKING NEWS
Middlesbrough are attempting an ambitious move for Everton winger Yannick Bolasie, according to Sky sources. 09:02
Burnley are closing on the £3.5m purchase of Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart, Sky Sports News understands. Hart has agreed a two-year deal, with an option of a further year, after personal terms were finalised late last night. Burnley are expected to confirm the signing later today. 08:44
BREAKING NEWS
Joe Hart is leaving Manchester City for Burnley in deal worth around £3.5m, according to Sky sources. 08:40
WHO STILL NEEDS WHAT?
The summer transfer window closes on Thursday but who still needs what ahead of Deadline Day and which players could yet leave? Some top-flight clubs will be content with their business, while others - including Manchester United and Jose Mourinho - are keen to add further reinforcements before the cut-off time of 5pm. Here, we assess where each Premier League club may still look to trade before this weekend's big kick-off but you can have your say on the deals you would still like to see - tweet us @SkySportsPL. Read the feature here. 08:31
Jefferson Lerma will have a medical at Bournemouth today ahead of his proposed move from Levante, according to Sky sources. 08:13
EZE SIGNS QPR DEAL
Ebere Eze has committed his future to Queens Park Rangers by signing a new three-year contract at Loftus Road. The 20-year-old has agreed a two-year extension to his existing deal, and has been handed the No. 10 shirt by manager Steve McClaren. “I am delighted to have it all sorted so I can focus completely on playing football,” Eze told the club’s official website. “It’s a great feeling to know you have the trust of your manager, the fans and your team-mates. Everyone believes in me and it’s a real confidence boost. “This is the best place for me at this moment in time. I know that I can be free to play how I like to play. “If I keep my head down I have got a good opportunity to play here and that’s the main thing.” 08:02
Sky Sports News understands West Ham are close to agreeing deal to sign Arsenal striker Lucas Perez. The 29-year-old spent last season on loan at Deportivo La Coruna, whom Arsenal signed him from for £17m two years ago. Once complete, Perez will become West Ham’s ninth signing of the summer and will take their spending close to £100m. 07:51
BREAKING NEWS
West Ham close to agreeing deal to sign Arsenal striker Lucas Perez, according to Sky sources. 07:42
VAN AANHOLT FLATTERED BY JUVE LINK
Patrick van Aanholt admits he is flattered to have been linked with Serie A champions Juventus but insists he is "happy" at Crystal Palace. 07:33
GREALISH LATEST
So Steve Bruce has had his say on Jack Grealish’s future but with two days to go until Deadline Day, how do things stand? Well, Sky Sports News understands talks between Aston Villa and Tottenham remain ongoing over the 22-year-old. It is understood that Villa and Spurs remain apart on their valuation of the player. We have previously reported that Villa value Grealish between £30m and £40m. 07:23
BRUCE: BATTLE TO KEEP GREALISH
Steve Bruce admits Aston Villa have a fight on their hands to keep hold of Jack Grealish before the window closes. The midfielder, who has been linked with Tottenham, helped Villa win their opening Sky Bet Championship game of the season against Hull last night. Speaking after the game, Bruce told Sky Sports: "We'll do our best to keep hold of him but obviously it's going to be difficult. “We understand the human side. He'll want to play in the Premier League, he'll want to play in Europe, and he’ll want to play in the Champions League. “I'm sure it's going to be a fraught few days! The owner has made clear he wants him to stay and that's what we'll try to do. To be fair to Jack, he's just got on with it. Roll on Thursday!" 07:12
EVERTON MEDICAL FOR BERNARD
Chelsea have lodged a late bid to sign Shakhtar Donetsk midfielder Bernard, according to Sky sources, but the Brazilian is on his way to Everton and is expected on Merseyside for a medical in the next 48-hours. Bernard’s move is subject to that medical and a work permit being granted. Sky Sports News understands that AC Milan were convinced Bernard was on his way to the San Siro, and another source tells us Atletico Madrid also pushed hard to sign him, while West Ham were also interested. 06:56
BUTLAND TO THE BRIDGE?
Stoke goalkeeper Jack Butland is Chelsea's top target to replace Thibaut Courtois if he leaves this summer, according to Sky sources. Sky Sports News understands there has already been informal contact between Chelsea and Stoke over the England international. It is understood the Sky Bet Championship side would be prepared to allow Butland to leave for around £30m - but want any deal to be resolved quickly. 06:48
'LIVERPOOL HAVE ADDRESSED PROBLEMS'
The Debate returned to Sky Sports last night as the build-up to the new Premier League season continued. And, speaking on the show, Jamie Redknapp said Liverpool must be considered as genuine title contenders after signing wisely to address their problems from previous seasons. 06:34
HAS ANYONE SEEN COURTOIS?
Chelsea are facing a race against time to find a replacement for goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois, who seems intent on forcing through a move to Real Madrid. The Belgium international failed to report back to Chelsea training on Monday as scheduled, where head coach Maurizio Sarri was expecting to hold face-to-face talks with Courtois about his future. Over the weekend Courtois' agent revealed that his client wants to move to Madrid to be closer to his family. Courtois has one year left on his contract at Stamford Bridge and is valued by Real at £32m, but Sky Sports News understands that Chelsea will not resume talks with the European champions until they find a suitable replacement. 06:14
NEV SEES FUNNY SIDE
Gary Neville has had his say on Twitter early this morning - and he certainly sees the funny side of Barcelona's bid for Manchester United midfielder Paul Pogba. He's posted a laughing emoji - while responding to a tweet from Sky Sports Premier League detailing the offer. https://twitter.com/GNev2/status/1026668537799168000 06:07
UNITED REJECT POGBA SWAP OFFER
There’s only one place to start this morning and that concerns Barcelona reported interest in Manchester United midfielder Paul Pogba. Sky Italy report that United have rejected a cash plus player offer for the France international from the La Liga champions. It's understood Barca offered £45m plus Yerry Mina and Andre Gomes in exchange for Pogba. That deal has been rejected. However, it's worth remembering that Spanish clubs are not subject to the early closure of the window like English clubs - and they can buy players until August 31. Sky Sports News understand Barca are serious about bringing Pogba to the Nou Camp. 06:00
RISE AND SHINE!
Good morning and welcome to the Transfer Centre! With just two days and 10 hours to go until the summer transfer window slams shut, we’re expecting a busy day here at Sky Sports News as clubs across the country scramble to get any late deals over the line. Stay tuned with us throughout the day as we bring you the very latest done deals, news, rumours and much more! 06:00
Champions League Betting Tips: Atletico’s Home Form is the Key
Champions League Betting Tips: Atletico’s Home Form is the Key
The second legs of the remaining Champions League round of 16 ties take place this week, and while we could argue that Man City and Barcelona have already booked their places in the last eight, there’s still plenty for Atletico Madrid and one of Bayern and Juventus to do to meet them there.
Atletico Madrid (0) v (0) PSV
PSV will need to find a way to score past an Atletico side that has conceded just six goals at home in La Liga all season – not an easy task. The Dutchmen have the ability – and the form – to do so, however blanks against Man United and Wolfsburg in their group matches suggest PSV struggle when coming up against better opposition away from home. The fact that Diego Simeone’s side have won 10/14 on their own patch suggests they are right to be red hot favourites here. However, they will need to be more creative here than they were in the first leg, where they struggled to break the Dutch side down despite them being reduced to ten men for the last half an hour. At least there is some certainty in one thing: there won’t be many goals here. Atletico’s games are not exactly goal fests at the best of times, and that theme is likely to be exacerbated in a tightly-fought Champions League tie. Just 34% of their home matches have witnessed Over 2.5 Goals this term, so we’ll add ‘under’ to today’s betting tips at 1.80.
Man City (3) v (1) Dinamo Kiev
You would imagine that Man City will start this match like a train, safe in the knowledge that the first goal in this contest could have a huge bearing on its eventual outcome. If they can score first, the tie is pretty much over. For the first hour or so, Dinamo will be happy to soak up pressure in their well-organised way before attempting to pick City off on the break. But keeping the likes of Sergio Aguero, David Silva and Raheem Sterling quiet for that period of time is some task. Manuel Pellegrini has already stated that the Champions League is his main focus now, and we can expect a motivated Man City to take to the field in front of their own supporters. They are strong at home, having beaten Sevilla and Borussia M’gladbach at the Etihad Stadium, and should prosper again here. Some punters will be happy to take the 1.53 on offer, and why not double up with Man City to score first at 1.44.
Barcelona (2) v (0) Arsenal
Stop Barcelona from scoring and then find the net twice yourself....that’s the task facing Arsenal at the Nou Camp on Wednesday. Good luck with that, lads. The Catalan side were in complete control in the first leg, and in truth the two goal margin flatters Arsene Wenger’s men. Now the Frenchman has a quandary on his hands: does he try and attack Barcelona to get the two goals he needs, or instead look to limit the damage given that his job is under pressure? He could be forgiven for the latter option seeing as though Barca have won 14/15 at home this season, so backing the Spanish side with a mere -1 handicap at 1.50 makes sense. In fact, it is the best of the football betting tips provided by Bet Advisor today. Remember, Arsenal haven’t won in their last five matches; not exactly ideal preparation for a meeting with the world’s best.
Bayern Munich (1) v (1) Juventus
The first leg of this tie was like a game of chess, with neither side wanting to show themselves first in case the other counter attacked with a vengeance. Bayern hold the aces seeing as though they bagged two away goals in the first leg, and this means that Juventus will need to score at least once to progress. This necessitates a certain attacking urgency; which, ironically, will play right into the Germans’ hands. We were a little surprised to see Juventus priced as long as 9.00 however; they have won eight of their last nine away matches, conceding just three goals. You can back the Old Lady at 1.80 with a +2 handicap – and that’s looks outstanding value.
Sampdoria defender Joachim Andersen impressed in Wednesday night's 0-0 draw with Cagliari, and now CalcioMercarto are reporting the 22-year-old is a target for Inter Milan and Dortmund. Sampdoria coach Marco Giampaolo said after the game: "Last year, he had five games, this year I decided to bet on him and he has grown exponentially.” 16:22
WATCH: ROSS BACKS NDONG SACKING
Sunderland boss Jack Ross said he was fully behind the club's decision to sack Didier Ndong earlier this week, after the player failed to return to Wearside for two months. 16:09
JOKANOVIC ON SESSEGNON DEAL
Ryan Sessegnon will "100 per cent" be encouraged to sign a new deal at Fulham, manager Slavisa Jokanovic has said. He said: "It's not in my hands but I believe everyone knows he is important. For my side 100 per cent I will support and encourage the player to sign a new contract with us. "I believe it's a great idea and I can only encourage Ryan to sign. After this it is in the hands of Sessegnon's family, agent and people around him. I will be satisfied if he makes this step. I hope we will find a way for him." 15:46
HUGHES GIVES POGBA VERDICT
Southampton manager Mark Hughes was asked about the Pogba-Mourinho situation in his pre-match press conference today. He said: "It's not easy. You've got a diverse group, every dressing room in this day and age is different, certainly at the top level. "It's made up of different players from different countries, from different cultures. You can't manage one size fits all, you've just got to know your group and know what ticks players' boxes." Read his memories on how Sir Alex Ferguson man-managed him when he was a played at Manchester United here. 15:25
HUGHTON PLEASED WITH ASHWORTH MOVE
Brighton boss Chris Hughton addressed the arrival of technical director Dan Ashworth in his pre-match press conference ahead of this weekend's trip to Man City. "I think he's been brought in at a time when the club have made big strides over the last few years; promotion to the Premier League, the academy doing well, the ladies' team now playing in the top division, a growing medical department," said Hughton. "They are the quite obvious reasons why the club felt they needed to bring somebody in." 14:49
SKRINIAR COULD SIGN NEW DEAL
Milan Skriniar looks set to sign a contract extension at Inter Milan after interest Manchester City and Manchester United cooled, according to Calciomercato. Slovakian centre-back Skriniar has been the subject of tentative approaches from City and United over the last 12 months but neither has been willing to make a bid due to Inter's high valuation. As a result, the 23-year-old will renew his current deal boosting his salary by around £2m a year. 14:24
CLUBS ON ALERT FOR RAMSEY
Metro reports Juventus and AC Milan both have their sights set on Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey with the news talks over a new deal have broken down the the Emirates. The newspaper also states states Arsenal offered him a new contract to keep him in North London - but the deal was withdrawn this month. 13:23
RAMSEY TALKS BREAK DOWN
Aaron Ramsey is out of contract next summer and has been unable to agree terms over a fresh deal to stay at the Emirates Stadium. The Wales international will be able to sign a pre-contract agreement with foreign clubs from January 1 or leave Arsenal as a free agent in the summer. 12:41
BREAKING NEWS
Talks between Aaron Ramsey and Arsenal over a new contract have broken down, according to Sky sources. 12:18
CITY SCOUT NDOMBELE
Manchester City have scouted Lyon midfielder Tanguy Ndombele this season, according to Le10Sport. The 21-year-old signed a fresh five-year deal with this Ligue 1 club this month, but City remain interested. The Premier League champions could make a January bid for the France U21 international, who has also attracted interest from Tottenham. 11:45
SUSO STAYING PUT?
AC Milan want to offer former Liverpool winger Suso a new deal amid interest from Serie A rivals Roma and Napoli, according to Calciomercato. Suso made his 100th appearance for the club this week having signed from Liverpool in 2014 and has been a big hit at San Siro. Although the 24-year-old is under contract until 2022, he wants an increase in his salary to being him more in line with the club’s top earners. 11:21
DAGBA DEAL
Paris Saint-Germain right-back Colin Dagba, who was targeted over the summer by RB Leipzig, has agreed a new contract at the Parc des Prince, reports L’Equipe. The 20-year-old has broken into the first-team picture under Thomas Tuchel but, with his deal due to expire in 2020, Leipzig were preparing an approach either in January or next summer. However, Dagba had committed his future until 2023, also agreeing a salary increase. 11:02
FA 'SHOULDN’T EXTEND SOUTHGATE’S CONTRACT’
Danny Murphy feels that the FA should wait to see how England do at Euro 2020 before looking to extend Gareth Southgate’s contract. 10:36
BARCA BALK AT POGBA WAGES?
Barcelona are unlikely to make an approach for Manchester United midfielder Paul Pogba after learning of the France international’s wage demands, reports Mundo Deportivo. Pogba wants a net salary of €12m (£10.7m), while agent Mino Raiola is demanding considerable commission of whatever transfer fee can be negotiated with United, which is likely to be in the region of £100m. Buying Pogba also means they won’t have the necessary funds to pursue other targets such as Ajax’s Frenkie De Jong. 10:15
BAYERN WANT JAMES DEAL
Bayern Munich want to complete the permanent purchase of James Rodriguez by the end of the year, according to reports in Spain and Germany. Real Madrid playmaker Rodriguez is on a two-season loan at the Allianz Arena and Bayern have the option of signing him permanently for €35m (£31m). Marca and Sport Bild claim the Bundesliga champions want to complete the deal ahead of schedule to avoid the Colombian’s head being turned by other potential suitors. 09:50
MILNER, MANE WAIT ON NEW DEALS
James Milner and Sadio Mane are no closer to signing new contracts at Liverpool, according to the Liverpool Echo. The Reds are in no rush to secure extensions with Milner’s contract set to expire in 2020, while Mane has another year beyond that. Both Milner and Mane are in line for extensions at Anfield after playing key roles in Liverpool’s impressive start to the season, but talks must take place first. 09:10
JUVE PRICED OUT OF POGBA RETURN?
Wages and a potential transfer fee could prove too big an obstacle for Juventus’ attempts to re-sign Paul Pogba, reports Marca. Pogba’s future at Manchester United was plunged further into doubt after he was filmed having a heated exchanged with manager Jose Mourinho on Wednesday. Pogba moved to Old Trafford from Juventus in the summer of 2016 for a then world-record fee of £89m. 08:37
CITY WANT TO SECURE FODEN’S FUTURE
Manchester City want to secure Phil Foden’s long-term future and are planning contract talks soon, reports the Daily Mail. The 18-year-old has continued to impress City boss Pep Guardiola, who wants to extend his contract beyond its current 2020 expiry. 08:09
RAMSEY TO LEAVE ARSENAL?
Aaron Ramsey will leave Arsenal at the end of the season, reports the Daily Mirror, who claim the Gunners will not offer the Wales international a new contract. It means the 27-year-old will leave the Emirates for free next summer after 11 years in north London. Both Ramsey and Arsenal had been confident of extending his stay at Arsenal, but the Mirror claim a sudden change in talks means there is now nothing for him to sign. 07:44
GIRONA WANT STUANI EXTENSION
Cristhian Stuani is closing in on a contract extension at Girona, reports Marca. Stuani moved to Girona from Middlesbrough and enjoyed a prolific first season at the Catalan club, netting 21 La Liga goals last term. His performances saw him linked with a number of clubs, including Marseille, who were reportedly close to activating his €15m buyout clause. Girona want to secure his future at the club and are planning to extend his deal until 2021, improve his salary and raise his buyout clause to a figure higher than €20m. 07:30
'WHEN PLAYERS AND MANAGERS CLASH'
Craig Bellamy and Danny Murphy give their own accounts of when they clashed with managers during their careers. 07:15
BARCA BALK AT DE JONG FEE
Barcelona are unwilling to pay €70m for sought-after Ajax star Frenkie de Jong, according to Catalunya Radio. Barca wanted to sign De Jong during this summer’s transfer window but were unable to prise him away from Ajax. They now face stiff competition to secure his signature in the future as the likes of Manchester United, Manchester City, Spurs, Real Madrid and Bayern Munich are all on his trail too. Ajax have reportedly valued the midfielder at €70m but Barca are not contemplating paying that amount to bring him to the Camp Nou. 06:59
FABREGAS TO MILAN?
Cesc Fabregas has emerged as a January target for AC Milan, reports Mundo Deportivo. The 31-year-old, who is out of contract at Chelsea in June, is yet to make a Premier League appearance under Maurizio Sarri. Milan want to take advantage of the uncertainty over his future by making a move for him when the transfer window re-opens at the start of next year. 06:35
Jamie Carragher gives his verdict on the Paul Pogba-Jose Mourinho situation at Manchester United, admitting he doesn't know whether the player is worth the hassle. 06:15
RISE AND SHINE!
Good morning and welcome to Thursday on the Transfer Centre. The summer transfer window may be a distant memory but clubs are already beginning to set their sights on its reopening in January. Stay tuned as we keep you up to date with the latest news and gossip... 06:15
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