I do not work for Rockstar, but I will most likely be sending this idea to them.
So there’s already Horse Races implemented into the game. One of the first bits of content you play for most of the community. Now what if you could run a bookies, an AFK and/or Practical business that you can upgrade and change odds, increase the amount of properties you own, and even participate in placing your own bets to make more money or lose it.
To start off this role, you travel over to Valentine to examine a new property on the market. This will be your starting office. One you can purchase for an amount of gold (20 or under). From the office you can purchase new betting offices for money, not gold and upgrade them. Imagine it like the clubhouse property and the MC businesses that span from it like GTA online. Also from the office you will be able to start a heist (this will be touched on later).
Expanding on the bets. Players throughout the serveplay session will be able to go to one of your properties and place bets on the horses. Depending on your upgrades, the max bet could be possibly between 10$ max to 100$ max (not set in stone). These bets will come back to you according to the odds if you win making it a fun gameplay mechanic on the side to take a chance and earn a quick buck.
Now for the AFK or Practical properties of this role. The owner or the player with the role will have access to their safe, one that contains the money of all their profits from the bookies -the more bookies you have (max of 3, making you rely on the choices you make), the more money you can potentially earn (price depending on location, e.g. a property in Vanhorn would be 100$, compared to one in Saint Denis that could be 1500$. Prices varying due to population size). An interesting twist that could spice things up could be that after a certain threshold of money is amounted, the player can hire guns-for-hire (NPC’s or Players, let me know your thoughts) to protect it from looters and outlaws (if Outlaws ever becomes a role these could tie into each other). This could leave the player losing an amount such as 10% of their profits to the other player. Now I realise that this is a decently unfair circumstance and this is where I say its not set in stone, its just an idea and I’m sure one of you will think of a more fair execution of this gameplay mechanic.
Finally, this may require some explaining. Now my inspiration for this segment and a lot of this comes from the TV show ‘Peaky Blinders’ as most of you can tell. But this next point is quite interesting I think. Much like GTA; set-up and heist missions. For example, with a posse you can plan to raid an opposing racecourse master. Which will most likely be an NPC, or a full side-story that puts you from starting an illegal business, to becoming legit. Now in my imagination, the story starts out one like this...
After setting up your office and in search of property you arrive in Blackwater, the town swept in mist and darkness, the only thing you can see are the low orange glows of lanterns hanging in the streets. Windows are closed for the night. Everyone resting comfortably in their households. You’re tired having travelled from Valentine. You decide to spend the night in a local inn. Having booked a comfortable room, you doze off into a slumber. SMASH You are awake. Yet you are still covered by darkness. You open your eyes wide. But theres nothing.. You are covered with a blindfold. You hear a man rambling in front of you, thats when you smell the familiar aroma of whiskey. You struggle to no avail, you cannot escape, and you cannot see... A harsh light is shone at you as the blindfold is ripped from your face. It takes some time for your eyes to adjust. And you see a man in front of you. A man who makes love to his whiskey (Sean). You find the man repulsive as he drinks the rest and throws it against the wall. This is where he tells you of his plan to rob Scotty Denver. A savvy investor and makes a profit in races. Sean wants to take him down for unknown reasons, and thinks you would be a good candidate to help him, Scotty being an opportunity of sorts to establish yourself.
The heist follows through and you rob him of his safe, bagging you enough to purchase the property in Blackwater.
This kicks off the quest line, leading you to come across Scotty on many occasions as he swears vengeance upon you. This is how the story begins.
In time you will find Scotty Denver to be a problem, ordering his men to ‘interfere’ with your betting offices.
I know this isn’t the best example but I think this would be a good if not great role for the red dead community. For a long time we have wanted an outlaw role, to fit in with the premise of the Cowboy Outlaw aesthetic of the game. This would be bringing in more activities to do within the western world. Thank You

Gambling games and India:

Games of chance have always attracted passionate players and the appeal of Lady Luck never seemed to dwindle. They have thrived for thousands of years, even before written history and up to modern times when we can indulge in gambling on our electronic devices without even having to walk to the nearest casino establishment. Games have changed and flourished, but the passion for playing remained the same. India is a country that boasts a rich history when it comes to gambling and still nurtures a strong passion for it in various forms and guises. That said, it’s well worth taking a glance at the origins of casino games and how and where it all began.
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Gambling stories of ancient India
The Ramayana (one of two major Sanskrit epics of ancient India) cites certain forms of games of chance believed to date back as far as 7300 BC. It describes gambling boards, believed by some to be the game of chess, as well as gambling with dice. The popular saying ‘to lose one’s shirt’, meaning to lose money, originated in ancient India. The old Sanskrit texts compare trees that have been stripped of their fruit to defeated gamblers who lost their clothes and ornaments in a wager.
While the Ramayana casually mentions gambling and does not condone it in any sense of the word, the second epic (the Mahabharata) tells a different story. The main antagonist, Shakuni, arranges a dice game against king Yudhishthira whom he cheated out of all his wealth and kingdom. When another antagonist, Duryodhana, insisted that there was no place for two crown princes in the kingdom, another dice game was arranged which ended in the exile of the royal family.
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First Gambling Devices
Buddhist texts mention Indians gambling with nuts as dice as early as 300 BC. Apart from being fond of dice, Indians developed a taste for gambling on animals. At first, ram and cockfights were all the rage which was followed by the more sophisticated horse racing later. What is interesting is that while Europeans are generally given credit for developing certain games of chance, most of the earlier versions of gambling devices had Indian symbols on them.
Further Progress
The 15th century witnessed the rise of legal gambling houses all across India. They were heavily regulated to make sure the games were fair and square so that the players would willingly submit their dues to the king. This was the beginning of the first gambling tax.
When the British introduced cricket to India in the 18th century, Indians fell completely in love with the game. Cricket paved the way for sports betting which flourished in the country until the British took over and passed the Gambling Act in 1867 which outlawed all games of chance. Although they couldn’t abolish the games which still went on in secret, India never looked favorably on gambling again.
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Present-day Gambling
The perspective of the Indian government on gambling is that it is the temptation that lures players to bet beyond their means, ruining their lives and their families. India’s 29 states and seven Union territories have the authority to decide whether to legalize gambling or not. Each state has a different legislative council and even though most of them do not support it, they do allow some forms of it, such as betting on horse races and the lottery. Since gambling restrictions are still in effect to a large extent, many have turned to online options and can choose from some of the best online casinos for India to scratch that itch. Almost 40% of internet users in the country have admitted to spending some of their time playing online casino games with no particular intention of earning large sums of money, but just to have fun and pass the time.
The history of India, which is almost 4000 years long, is brimming with amusing anecdotes of gamblers winning and losing in their favorite games. However, the future might not have as much room for such stories, since the gambling ban is still in effect. The Indian government still doesn’t trust its people to use their own judgment and roll the dice deciding their own fate. If the rules should ever change, the casino industry will be able to boost the Indian economy to a great extent. The people will enjoy their games while the country reaps the benefits. Some would say, a win-win situation.

CASINO GAMES:

There are a number of different online casino sites open for Indians to play on in 2020. With enticing welcome bonuses, a huge library of games including live casino games, more players are signing up now than ever!
However, many online casinos go beyond just a website and offer dedicated mobile apps that allow you to enjoy all features of the online casinos on the go! Check out the best online casino websites for India in 2020!
#1 – LeoVegas’ App
LeoVegas is one of the biggest online casinos in the world and contains a huge number of casino games. You can play Blackjack, Roulette, Slots, live casino games, and more on the online casino.
The LeoVegas app allows you to access more than 1,000 casino games offered by the online casino. Both Android and iOS users are covered as there are dedicated apps for both the operating systems. The user interface is designed to provide a simple and enjoyable experience for all players.
#2 – Betway’s App
Betway is one of the biggest names in the world of online casinos and betting. The site not only offers a huge collection of games in its full-fledged online casino but also offers really great odds on sporting events around the world with a great welcome bonus for new players.
The Betway app allows you to stay in touch with your adventurous self on the go and gives you access to all the games provided on the online casino. Some of the features that make the app great are its small size and classification system that lets you seamlessly switch from its three modes – Betway Casino, Beway Vegas, and Betway Live Casino.
#3 – Casumo’s App
Casumo is a modern online casino with a focus on providing a clean and enjoyable user interface to its players. In terms of game selection, Casumo does pretty well too, and provides tons of different online casino games for you to enjoy.
In keeping up with the philosophy of offering its players one of the best online casino experiences, Casumo also has a dedicated app that can be used to play all the different games offered on the site. Some of the key features of the app include a personal dashboard, automatic notifications, and easy depositing and withdrawal functions right from the app itself!
#4 – Dafabet’s App
Dafabet is one of Asia’s largest online casino and sportsbook. With sponsorships with reputed teams like Celtic FC and Fulham FC, Dafabet is a legit operator that provides an excellent casino and betting experience to players all over Asia including India.
Along with offering an awesome website that is completely responsive, Dafabet also has dedicated apps for both Android and iOS users that allow you to stay in the middle of the action always. The apps have an extremely user-friendly interface and are updated regularly to ensure the app is always fresh and secure!
Online casino apps are changing the game!
Online casinos are rising in popularity in India and since they are regulated by worldwide licenses like MGA, they’re transparent, fair, and legal! A common misconception for online casinos and their bonuses is that they need to be claimed on the website. In almost all cases, it’s possible to download the app from App Store or Google Play, sign up, and grab the welcome bonus straight from the app.
Get in touch with the speculative side of your personality with these amazing online casino apps today!
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hello everyone , this is my first post on here im 25 years old and have been gambling since i can remember. growing up i was always surrounded by gambling , mainly horse racing as grandfather owns horses which later on i got into aswell. when i was 18 i went to the casino for my birthday won 3k at the casino and i would be surprised if ive had a month if a week since then gamble free..... my story is an interesting one as i played poker professionally for a year and did very well for myself only to gambling it all away on the horses, dogs ect. If i were to estimate how much i have lost since i was 18-25 it would be well over 1million which makes sick to even think about. i started betting on the tab when i was around 18 and i got super hooked with ladbrokes on all the deposit match offers they used to offer me. Its so bloody wrong how they can offer you all these deposit matches ( government say they have made it illegal, but the agencies know who to target trust me). i Was a ''VIP'' member with the majority of the companies i was with and would recieve phone call after email after text for deposit matches , bonus bets , free stuff ect. One day i was around 21 and deposited 100 dollars into my TAB account and turned it into 15k within around 2 hours. i was stocked and couldnt believe it ! went down to my local tab to get the money out and account was not verifed even though i had previously withdrawn multiple times before. they said i had to provide all these documents and could take up to 3 weeks to verify, i knew at that point the money was gone.... i went home and tilted the whole lot within an hour. these sites are evil with how they work and i encourage any young gambler to self exclude thereselves from all betting apps. It took me until i was around 24 to ban myself from all the online apps and you would be surprised at how many bloody online bookies there are these days. it all started as a bit of fun to kill time and win a bit of money here and there then years down the track it got to my head as i was known as the big punter of the area and it legit got to my head that i had to keep this reputation up , sounds so stupid but its how i was thinking at the time. went from 5 dollar better to 10 to 100 to average bet size of 300 plus and once you go up its impossible in your head to go back down because the gambler mind set is ''i could of win more betting bigger''.
anyway so i was gamble free at the start of this year for around 2 months and it was the best 2 months of my life was just enjoying life , loving not constantly being consumed by gambling 24/7. i then went to a mates house and had a 50 dollar bet, won and ended up winning around 5k for the day and we are here again now and im hooked again. ive won around 25k in profit the last 3 months but its still never enough and its not even about the money anymore , its about the rush and just doing it to satisfy my self. But theres nothing more i want then to stop it for good!! im honestly so tired and drained in every way by gambling and ive come soo soo far and have to much drive in life to let it consume me . i was finding myself signing myself up to bookies under mates names, family names ect but ive recently blocked all them again too and told them all not to let me do it. i looked at my bank the other day and have deposited over 100k the last 75 days in gambling transactions.
im so keen to just get rid of this shit for good, its pure evil and when im in a good headspace i couldnt think of anything worse. if anyone out there has any tips for myself it would be much appreaciated! i have been to councilors and i just dont like it its not for me . ive shared 0.1% of my story but i would be here typing for a year if i was to recap half of it .
look forward to hearing from all you legends!

TL;DR at the usual place.
Data from run #2 is here: https://www.reddit.com/gtaglitches/comments/crokxb/psa_inside_track_some_data_after_nearly_300_races/ex9a7pp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x
Also, sorry for tight formatting, I’m on iPhone and I can’t avoid some of the stacking. English is also my second language.
So I did nearly 300 races, betting on horse 6 to avoid all these pescy disconnects. I planned to quit after three disconnects and leave a couple of millions richer. I have listed the horses that won, and when horse 6 won I added the amount won. I also noted how much would cost me if I played legit. Turns out that playing legit is not worth it..at all! Summary also in the end with glitch/profit comparison for alternate horses.
Session 1: • 1 • 6 - 290.000 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 3 • 1 • 6 - 190.000 • 3 • 1 • 1 • 6 - 270.000 —
• 12 minutes • 13 races • 750.000 won • 130.000 bet cost legit • 620.000 profit • Horse 1: 7 wins 53,8% • Horse 2: 1 win 7,6% • Horse 3: 2 wins 15,4% • Horse 4: 0 wins 0% • Horse 5: 0 wins 0% • Horse 6: 3 wins 23% • Starts out nice - easy money so I can’t understand why we played on horse 1 at all.
Session 2: • 1 • 1 • 2 • 3 • 2 • 1 • 3 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 4 • 3 • 1 • 1 • 4 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 6 - 240.000 • 1 • 1 • 4 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 6 - 280.000 • 4 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 3 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 4 • 3 • 1 • 5 • 5 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 1 • 3 • 1 • 4 • 5 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 4 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 1 • 6 - 260.000 —
• 55 minutes • 76 races • 780.000 won • 760.000 bet cost legit • 20.000 profit • Horse 1: 42 wins 55,2% • Horse 2: 12 wins 15,8% • Horse 3: 7 wins 9,2% • Horse 4: 8 wins 10,5% • Horse 5: 4 wins 5,3% • Horse 6: 3 wins 3,9% • Oh. This was hard fought. Several second places a horses nostril behind #1. Finally won that last one - it can’t get worse than this.......
Session 3: • 2 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 3 • 2 • 2 • 1 • 6 - 190.000 • 5 • 2 • 4 • 2 • 3 • 1 • 6 - 210.000 • 6 - 290.000
• 13 minutes • 17 races • 690.000 winnings • 170.000 bet cost • 520.000 profit • Horse 1: 3 wins 17,6% • Horse 2: 7 wins 41,1% • Horse 3: 2 wins 11,8% • Horse 4: 1 win 5,8% • Horse 5: 1 win 5,8% • Horse 6: 3 wins 17,6% • Easy money again. Getting late now, but one last session, will take half an hour, maybe...
Session 4: • 1 • 1 • 1 • 5 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 3 • 3 • 1 • 1 • 3 • 1 • 3 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 2 • 2 • 4 • 2 • 2 • Will this shit ever end????! • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 3 • 2 • 4 • 3 • 1 • 2 • 4 • 1 • 1 • 4 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 2 • 2 • 2 • 4 • 1 • I’m about to give up. R* has figured me out and have rigged the results. I sure of it! • 1 • 3 • 6 - 250.000 Finally!!!! • 1 • 5 • 1 • 4 • 2 • 3 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 3 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 4 • 2 • 1 • 4 • 5 • 1 • 3 • 2 • 5 • 1 • 2 • 3 • 1 • 2 • Oh sweet Lord in heaven I have to use the toilet • 1 • 3 • 2 • 2 • 2 • 1 • 1 • 6 - 240.000 finally!! One more so I can go to bed. • 2 • 1 • 5 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 4 • 4 • 5 • 2 • 2 • 2 • 3 • 1 • 2 • 2 • I really need to go to bed now.. • 1 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 1 • 4 • 4 • 1 • 1 • 3 • 4 • 4 • 4 • 2 • 4 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 3 • 1 • 2 • 1 • 5 • 1 • 2 • Really tired. And fed up with horses now. And that trumpet is really getting to me • 2 • 2 • 3 • 3 • 1 • 1 • 2 • 2 • 3 • 1 • 1 • 1 • 3 • 2 • 6 - 250.000
• 120 minutes • 176 races • 740.000 profit • 1.760.000 bet cost • 1.020.000 loss • Horse 1: 81 wins 46% • Horse 2: 50 wins 28,4% • Horse 3: 19 wins 10,8% • Horse 4: 16 wins 9% • Horse 5: 7 wins 3,4% • Horse 6: 3 wins 1,7% • Not doing this again for a while. TWO frikking hours for three victories!!!!!
Summary: • Time played 3h20min • Total races 282 • Total winnings horse 6 - 2.960.000 • Total legit bet cost 2.820.000 • Total profit 140.000 or 42.000/hour • (With glitch total bet cost is lowered to 56.400, total profit is 2.903.600 or 871.080/hour)
Win ratio: • Horse 1: 43,2% • Horse 2: 23,2% • Horse 3: 11,8% • Horse 4: 6,3% • Horse 5: 3,6% • Horse 6: 11,5%
If I bet on horse 1 instead I would have won approx 4.263.840 - I say approx because I didn’t note the price money, but the odds give between 20k and 60k, so in this case I used 35.000 based on my experience winning on horse 1. With roughly 40 d/c’s and each lasting three minutes (ish?) to get back online into the casino, that adds 121 minutes meaning that total playtime increases to 5h21 if I had bet on horse 1 instead. After bet cost of 2.820.000 if legit betting total profit for horse 1 is 1.443.840 or 269.876/h. If glitching, profit is 4.207.440 or 786.437/hour.
Horse 3 in short since some people claim this is the best bet: I dont remember the odds on this, but IIRC the odds were between 1:5 and 1:12. If the mean win value is 80.000 you will in this case have won 2.662.080 and with 8 more d/c’s than horse 6 so therefore 24 minutes more, and a total play time of 3h44min. With legit betting you have lost 157.920 or 42.300/hour. With glitch you profit 2.605.680 or 697.950/hour, about 90k less per hour than horse 1.
I’m too tired now to do the other horses, but based on their win percentage I dont believe they will be a better option than horse 1 so I’ll end with a short summary:
TL;DR Bet on horse 1 and accept the d/c’s.
Edit: As commented on by A-MinorBish bet 2k on horse 1 to avoid getting kicked. Thanks man! Edit 2: Added new test, betting on Horse 1. As EtecaEteca mentioned there seems to be an increase of win chance on the horse you bet on as seen in the variance of win ratio on Horse 1 and 6. Gonna try to play some more tomorrow and bet on Horse 3 or 5 tomorrow.

This is like my 2nd throwaway acc oml. this is gonna have a backstory so youll really know what im going thru.
it all started when i was a toddler. i realized as i grew up just how shitty my parents are. they treated my siblings and i like shit, dad would beat us when we couldnt recite a passage from a holy book. he was emotionally and physically abusive and sexist as well towards my sister and i. (I have 3 brothers two older than me and one sister)
he's like that to my mom too. she has been with him for 25 years, suffering his abuse everyday. he doesnt let her go outside, have friends, always takes away her phone, uses god as an excuse saying 'god made men powerful and women are weak' all that horse shit.
one day, while she was pregnant with me he took her head and slammed her against the fireplace. he has done stuff like this multiple times, even throwing boiling hot tea in her face.
now cut to like, 8 years later. i was around 8 at the time. during this time for me, i was getting molested by my older cousin who was like 15. he would do it everytime he'd see me, since every year who stay with us for like 2 weeks. he would blindfold me and all that shit, yay for sexual abuse am i right lmao.
i first started hating her when she refused to leave dad. she was bound to him. even when he would beat us and lock us in the basement, she didnt care. she was never there for me. i fucking hate her.
so around 8, she had a seizure. she was rushed to the hospital and after some time, she got a brain tumor. my sister and i had to 'step up' as dad would say. mom would get severe headaches, all that bs. so after more abuse and trauma for about 5 years, the doctor told us it was actually brain cancer. cancer has is all in her right and some left part of her brain.
so after this, parents get into a big argument about mom losing her hair from radiation and chemo. he calls her a bald cow and tells her to cover up. he tells her she doesnt deserve medication. then miraculously the bitch snapped. she said shes tired of his bald ass. so then they seperate.
now my biggest problem was really dad, and i was relieved. after all these years and torment i was free. but of course, life isnt so simple. by october 2019, she has suffered from another seizure, which has caused her to be paralyzed on her right side. and while mom was in the hospital for two weeks, dad got married to another woman on my sisters birthday, and the next day dad divorced that woman. (he is now in a different state from us thank god)
now here is the the part you all actually came for. after her release from the hospital, she couldnt fucking move. so idk how the hell we got her ass into the car (shes big too) and got her into the house. we (sister, aunt, sister-in-law and me) had to wash her and change her diapers now. so to put it simply, a fucking baby. i was obviously disgusted, but not angry at the time. i knew that as her daughter, even though idc for her and she has been horrible to me, i have to take care of her and pull my weight. so this continued for like 2 months? so now she can walk to the bathroom now, but her right side is shitty as hell.
now if this was all i had to deal with, whatever i dealt with worse shit. but no, oh fucking now thats not all. since she is so brain damaged, she acts like a toddler. i mean, god damn. she gets pissy like one, she screams in public, she has somehow strangle me 3 times. its legit like dealing with a baby. she calls her mom and dad and bitches about how we are starving her and hurting her. she does this for attention. she wants people to feel bad for her. she purposely pisses on the floor so sister or i have to clean it up, and degrades us as we do it, like "this is what you whores deserve" or "youre stuck with me for the rest of your lives." yk, stuff that great moms say. she also kicked me out of the house on my bday and had to stay with dad for a month. and tbh that old bastard is better than her, bc i sleep on a bed there, while at mom's place i sleep on the couch.
to wrap this all up since i bet half of you guys stopped reading, mom, my sister and i all sleep downstairs in the living room just in case she has a seizure again and we can hear her, we made a bed for her on a couch and my sister and i sleep on the couch far away from her since she stares at us while we sleep. i cant even sleep right bc i have a highly autistic brother who screams every damn time at 7:00. fuck my life, i dont even go to school bc of this bitch. i take online school and i just wanna shoot my damn head off. god fucking damn it im only 14 y/o and this is my life. im gonna shoot heroin in my veins to self medicate with all this trauma baggage i gotta carry for the rest of my life. its getting so bad i legit wanna strangle her like how she would strangle me.
thanks for coming to my shitty ted talk, stay safe from the covid-19 virus. please dont tell me to contact cps because i made a post similar to this and everyone told me to contact them. advice or uplifting comments would be very much appreciated and add on to the few reasons why i shouldnt drink bleach just yet.
sorry if i come off like a piece of shit, im just so mad rightnow.
edit: fixing my shit grammar

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Bookmakers Not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES):>
https://bookmakersnotongamstop.co.uk
What is Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES)?
Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES) is a self-exclusion scheme introduced in April 2020 by the UK government that allows players to block themselves from any gambling activity. Due to the pressures placed on UK bookmakers by the UK Gambling Commission, they are restricted to what bonuses they can offer new customers.
Since bookmakers in the UK cannot operate unless licensed by the UK Gambling Commission, this will have a huge impact on the gambling industry. Gamstop was originally created so that players could take control of their gambling habits.
Once you have signed up to the Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES) and excluded yourself from gambling activity, the gambling companies you are registered to will automatically be notified and then close all accounts related to your name and prevent you from signing back in. Furthermore, as of April 2020, the UK Gambling Commission have places restrictions on players depositing on credit cards, an setting deposit limit amounts which cannot be exceeded in a specific time frame.
Due to the pressures placed on UK gambling companies by the UK Gambling Commission, this has had a significant affect on what offers and bonuses the gambling companies can now offer. The gambling industry has taken a devastating affect on enticing more customers to play on their sites.
Gambling companies under the UK Gambling Commission such as; WilliamHill, Coral, Betway, to name a few are restricted to offer new customers no deposit offers or attractive bonuses to join their sites.
Benefits of Bookmakers Not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES)
Bookmakers not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES) are not licensed by the UK Gambling Commission, therefore they are not obligated to operate by the strict UK government guidelines. Instead, they are regulated by the gambling authorities like MGA (Malta Gambling Authority) or the Isle of Man Gambling Supervision Commission.
So what does this mean?
Bookmakers not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES) can offer great offers and bonuses to play on their sites as they do not come under the strict rules of the UK Gambling Commission. These bonuses can be very attractive and rewarding, such as no deposit offers or lucrative matched deposits. Many UK players enjoy the freedom and high bonuses bookmakers not on Gamstop have to offer for joining their site.
For more information visit:> https://bookmakersnotongamstop.co.uk
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References
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Wassssssup Reddit. Not gonna lie - I’m feeling pretty good right now. I just had a big win at Bovada casino (not for the first time) and I’ve seen so many of you’s on here bemoaning Bovada, saying it’s not legit, it’s not this, it’s not that, it cheats blah blah blah.
I’ve gotta say - I’ve always had an ace time on Bovada. Sure, I’ve won some, lost some but that’s gambling - that’s the way it is, bro! Can’t win it all the time.
Anyways I decided now’s the time to write a Bovada review (because I’m sick of the one sided Bovada reviews out there) for y’all because I’ve never seen so many Bovada haters in my life. In the sake of fairness I’ll also touch on a few aspects I don’t like about it too.
Interface
Real clean. Easy to navigate.
Casino Games
Spoilt for choice. Whether you wanna get lit playing blackjack, roulette, craps or poker, Bovada’s got a lot of choice.
True, there’s not as many blackjack variations as there used to be but there’s still plenty to choose from, including Double Blackjack.
Plus, you’ve always got a chance of winning. I turned $25 into $1200 the other week, no fooling.
Slots
Solid chance of winning on the hundreds of slots available. Maybe it’s just me but they seem to tighten up a bit when you’re using a bonus but again that could be me
Is Bovada Safe?
Safe as houses.
It’s been around since 2011 and uses a secure SSL-encrypted connection to keep your details safe. In all my time I’ve been there I’ve never had a thing to worry about.
Bovada Payouts
Yeah, the payouts can be a bit slow but so can all gambling sites. Bitcoin is super fast so I recommend you use that but bank transfer takes a few days, maybe even a week IDK I don’t use it anymore.
Fees
This bit sucks. If you make a deposit using your credit or debit card, you’ll be charged a 5.9% fee. Again, I recommend you use Bitcoin as there are zero fees involved.
International currency conversions are a bummer so I’ve heard too.
Is Bovada legal in the U.S.?
Yeah
eSports?
You bet, dawg. Bovada got the likes of LoL, StarCraft and Dota 2. OK it’s not the hugest selection of eSports games going but it’s got all the biggest names.
Sportsbook?
Bovada is actually the biggest US online sportsbook. There’s a huge amount of markets including baseball, NBA, NFL, NHL, tennis, horse riding, soccer etc.
Honestly, it’s really cool and there are plenty of in-play options.

Napoleon Sighs]

Random Kid: What are you gonna do today Napoleon? Napoleon: Whatever I feel like I want to do. Gosh!
Teacher: Your current event Napoleon.
Napoleon: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced- placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Curt Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and it's local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
Don: Hey, Napoleon, what'd you do all last summer again?
Napoleon: I told you. I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines.
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon: Yes, like 50 of 'em. They kept tryin' to attack my cousins. What the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon: A frickin' 12-gauge. What do you think?
Randy: You think you're funny? Just watch you step.
Napoleon: But I didn't--[Indistinct]
Napoleon: Hey, could I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Receptionist: Is there anything wrong?
Napoleon: I don't feel very good.
Kip: Hi
Napoleon: Is Grandma There?
Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.
Napoleon: [Sighs]
Kip: What do you need?
Napoleon: Can you just go get her for me?
Kip: I'm really busy right now.
Napoleon: Well, just tell her to come get me.
Kip: Why?
Napoleon: 'Cause I don't feel good.
Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
Napoleon: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Kip: No.
Napoleon: Well, will you do me a favor then?
Kip: What?
Napoleon: Can you bring me my ChapStick?
Kip: No, Napoleon
Napoleon: But my lips hurt real bad.
Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer.
Napoleon: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko.
Kip: See ya. [Dial Tone]
Napoleon: [Groans] Idiot!
Woman on P.A.: David Dempke, please come to the office. David Dempke.
Principal: You do understand English? This isn't that complex. Look, the cafeteria's down the hall to the right and downstairs.
Napoleon: Hey, is that a new kid or something?
Principal: Napoleon, this is Pedro. Would you mind showing him where his locker is?
Napoleon: Sure. Come on.
Napoleon: You know, there's, like, a buttload of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a bo staff. Do you ride the bus to school?
Pedro: No. I ride by bike.
Napoleon: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It's a Sledgehammer.
Napoleon: Dang! You got shocks, pegs. Lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
Napoleon: You got, like, three feet of air that time. Can I try it really quick? [Groans] Dang it!
Kip: I love the way... your sandy hair... floats in the air. To me it's like a lullaby. I'm just flying by, oh, so high... like a kite tied to a stake.
Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon: The worst day of my life. What do you think?
Grandma: Well, I want you to go see if Tina wants some of this.
Napoleon: [Sighs]
Kip hasn't done flipping anything today.
Grandma: Look, tonight me and your-- Kip, listen!
Kip: What?
Grandma: Tonight me and your aunt are gonna go visit some friends and we're not gonna be back till tomorrow. We're gettin' a little low on steak, so I got Lyle comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.
Napoleon: Well, what's there to eat?
Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon. Make yourself a dang quesadilla!
Napoleon: Fine!
Grandma: I'll be back tomorrow.
Napoleon: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes, all day. Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cage fighter.
Napoleon: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Napoleon: Such an idiot!
Kip: Let me see what your best move is.
Napoleon: [Sighs] [Doorbell Rings]
Napoleon: I'll go get it. [Napoleon slaps Kip]
Kip: Geez!
Deb: Um, hello. Would you like to look like this?
Napoleon: This is a girl.
Deb: Because for a limited time only glamour shots by Deb are 75% off.
Napoleon: I already get my hair cut at the Cuttin' Corral.
Deb: Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-woven handicrafts.
Rex:

I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwon Do Self-Defense System. After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly... the reflexes of a puma... and the wisdom of a man. So come down today for your free trial lesson!

Deb: In here we have some boondoggle key chains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
Napoleon: I already made, like, a finity of those at Scout camp. a finity - infinity
Deb: Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for college.
Kip: Your mom goes to college.
Napoleon: Tina, you fat lard. Come get some dinner. [Tina Grunts]
Napoleon: Tina, eat. Eat the food. [Tina Grunts]
Napoleon:
Eat the food! [Tina Grunting]
Kip: It'd be nice if you could pull me into town.
Rex: My name is Rex, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of self defense that I developed over two seasons of fighting in the Octagon. It's called Rex Kwon Do! I need a volunteer. [Kip raises hand]
Rex: Okay, you'll do. Come up here. Bow to your sensei. Bow to your sensei! Okay. Now I'm gonna give you one chance. One chance, people. Give me your best shot. All right. That was pretty good. Okay. Now, watch this everybody. Grab my arm. The other arm. My other arm. Okay, now watch this. I'm just gonna break the wrist and walk away. Break the wrist, walk away. [Rex hits Kip in the wrist]
Kip: Geez!
Rex: Okay. It's just that simple. Now, I want you to kick me. Come on. Kick me. Okay, do it again. Do it again.
Kip: Ouch.
Rex: Okay. You'll block it every time. Have a seat. Now, in addition to what you just saw if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things. First off... Rex Kwin Do, we use the buddy system. No more flyin' solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times! Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. Do you think I got where I am today because I dress like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. Do you think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearin' these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self-respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program.
Kip:

Well, that place was a rip-off.

Napoleon: Hey, Lyle. [Cow Moos]
Lyle: Nothin' on here works smooth. [Gunshot]

[School Bus Full of Kids Screaming]

Napoleon: So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?
Pedro: Yes.
Napoleon: So, you got my back and everything?
Pedro: What?
Napoleon: Never mind. Have you heard about the dance?
Pedro: Yes.
Napoleon: Have you met anyone to ask yet?
Pedro: No. But I probably will after school.
Napoleon: Who you gonna ask?
Pedro: That girl over there.
Napoleon: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Pedro: Build her a cake or something.
Napoleon: Yeah, my old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out here for the dance but she couldn't 'cause she's doing some modeling right now.
Pedro: Is she hot?
Napoleon: See for yourself.
Pedro: Wow.
Napoleon: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamour shots for her birthday one year.
Pedro: I like her bangs.
Napoleon:

Me too.

Napoleon: How long did it take you to grow that mustache?
Pedro: A couple of days.
Napoleon: I wish I could grow one. Are you gonna eat your Tots?
Pedro: No.
Napoleon: Can I have 'em? [Pedro Nods]
Napoleon: You see that girl over there? She came over to my house the other day.
Pedro: Why?
Napoleon: I don't know, but she left all this crap on my porch.
Pedro: She's pretty good-looking.
Napoleon: Do you dare me to go talk to her?
Pedro:

Sure.

Napoleon: I see you're drinking one-percent. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to. Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it 'cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.
Deb:

Where's your locker?

Napoleon:

Hey, can I have one of your key chains?

Rico:

Hello?

Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your Tots.
Napoleon: No, go find your own.
Randy: Come on. Give me some of your Tots.
Napoleon: No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything today. [Napoleon Groans}
Napoleon: G-- Gross. Freakin' idiot!

[Napoleon Sighs]

Napoleon: Tina, come get some ham. [Tina Grunts] [Vehicle Approaching] [Napoleon Sighs]
Napoleon: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?
Rico: Your grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today, broke her coccyx.
Napoleon: What? Since when does she go to the dunes?
Rico: Looks like there's a lot you don't know about her.

[Tina Grunts]

Kip: So, when's Grandma coming back?
Rico: I don't know. Not sure.
Napoleon: You don't have to stay here with us. We're not babies.
Rico: [Laughs] Talk to your Auntie Caroline.
Napoleon: Well, Kip is, like, 32 years old.
Kip: I don't mind if you stay.
Rico: Oh. Thanks, Kip.
Napoleon: What the flip was Grandma doin' at the sand dunes?
Rico: She was on a date...with her boyfriend.
Napoleon: Boyfriend?
Rico:

Hey, you guys want to see my video?

Rico: [Chuckles] So, what do you think?
Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess.
Rico: Oh. Man, I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
Napoleon: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
Napoleon: You guys are retarded.
Rico: Hah! Hey, check that out.
Kip: So, you and Tammy still together?
Rico: No. Not really. Kip: Why is that? Rico: Well...she's jealous. Says I'm livin' too much in '82. Kip: Really? Rico: Well, I dumped her. What about your girlfriend? Kip: Well, things are gettin' pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day... so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious. I'm just really tryin' to raise a few bucks right now so I can bring her around for a few days. Rico: Yep. Well, what's she look like? Kip: She's uh-- she's got sandy blonde hair. She's, uh, pretty-look-- pretty good-looking face, but... I'm just gettin' really-- just kinda T.O.'d because, I mean, she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet. Rico: Hey, you know... I got a little project... that we might be able to make a little moola with. Kip: Really? That sounds pretty good. Rico:

Have you ever heard of nylon polymer?

Napoleon:

Go for it.

Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile. Kip: Are you serious? Rico: I'm dead serious. Watch this. [Napoleon Groans] Napoleon: What the heck are you doing? Kip: That's what I'm talkin' about. Pedro: I better go. [Rico Chuckles] Rico: How much you want to make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains? Yeah. If coach would've put me in fourth quarter... we'd have been state champions, no doubt. No doubt in my mind. You better believe things would have been different. I'd have gone pro...in a heartbeat. I'd be makin' millions of dollars and... livin' in a... big ol' mansion somewhere. You know, soakin' it up in a hot tub with my soul mate. Kip, I reckon you know a lot about cyberspace. Y-You ever come across anything like time travel? Kip: Easy. I've already looked into it for myself. Rico:

Right on. Right on.

Summer: Is Pedro here today? Napoleon: I don't think so. Why? Summer: Just wondering. Can you, uh, give this to him for me? Napoleon: Okay. Hey, Summer, you want to play me? Summer:

Mm-mmm.

Napoleon:

Ow. God.

Deb: What are you drawing? Napoleon: A liger. Deb: What's a liger? Napoleon: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed. Bred for its skills in magic. Deb: Hmm. [Sighs] Where's your friend? Napoleon: I don't know. Did you see him today? Deb: No. Napoleon: Neither did I. Deb: Do you need a ride? Napoleon: No. I missed the bus today, but my uncle's coming to get me. Deb: Oh. [Horn Honks] Napoleon:

See ya.

Rico: Right. I-- I think just a little bit east of the cementery is a good little area right here. We should do it there. Don't go down here, 'cause they don't have any money. Kip: So, how long are we talkin' about workin'? Rico: What are you-- You're already losing your steam? Kip: No. I just-- I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then. Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all. Kip: All right. Rico: Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room? Kip: Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. Rico: You-- You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone? Kip: Yeah. Grandma's still payin' per minute. She gets kind of pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long. Rico:

I'll bet she does. I'll tell you somethin', i'd be throwin' you out the window.

Woman: Bueno. Napoleon: Hello? Woman: Who's this? Napoleon: Napoleon Dynamite. Woman: Who? Napoleon: Napoleon Dynamite. I'm one of Pedro's best friends. Woman: Your name is Napoleon? Napoleon: Yes. Is Pedro there? Woman: No, he's not here right now. Napoleon:

Okay, bye.

Rico: See, Crystal Street. That's for you. I'm goin' to Adams Park. They got some money in Adams Park. Napoleon: What? Rico: Let's go, Kipper. I think we should take this some place a little more private. Kip:

That's a good idea.

Kip: Please. Please. Be good to me. Please, keep going. Dead on. Dead on. Yes! Rico: Before we get started on our new project, I have a few concerns. First off, I'm concerned about your transportation situation. I mean, do you--you got a car you can borrow from someone? Kip: Well, that's the problem right now. At the moment, nothing comes to mind. Rico: You can borrow my van for the time being. I-- I do better on foot anyway. We also need some way to make us look official, like we got all the answers. Kip: How about some gold bracelets? Rico: We need, like, some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and whatnot. I mean, we gotta look legit, man. Kip: That's true. That's true. Rico:

Say, you know of a-- a place we can get our picture taken, like, a-- a photo store?

Deb: Okay. Turn your head on more of a slant. Now, make a fist and slowly ease it up underneath your chin. This is looking really good. Kip: You can say that again. Deb: Okay, hold still right there. Now, just image you're weightless. You're in the middle of the ocean...surrounded by tiny little sea horses. [Shutter Clicks] Deb: That was the one. I think that's gonna come out really nice. Rico: [Chuckles] Uh, you did it? Wow. Wow, that felt really relaxed. Thanks, Deb. [Chuckles] You're up, Kip. Kip:

Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?

Napoleon: Where have you been? Pedro: I got sick. Napoleon: Has Summer said anything to you yet? Pedro: No, not yet. Napoleon: Well, she said no. Pedro: She did? Well, what about that other girl? Napoleon: What other girl? Pedro: The one that left all that crap on your porch. Napoleon: You mean Deb? Pedro: Yes, her. Napoleon: What about her? Pedro: Well, I asked her out, too. Napoleon:

What?

Napoleon: Well, nobody's gonna go out with me. Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet? Napoleon: No, but who would? I don't even have any good skills. Pedro: What do you mean? Napoleon: You know, like numchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. Pedro: Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like, animals and warriors and stuff? Napoleon: Yes. Probably the best that I know of. Pedro: Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out, and give it to her for, like, a gift or something. Napoleon:

That's a pretty good idea.

Rico: Now, if you invest in the 24-piece set I'm gonna throw in a little gift. Man: So, what's the gift? Rico: I bet you folks don't have one of these. Woman: I want that. Rico: You see, this ain't your run-of-the-mill "crapper-ware." These are some serious "NuPont" fiber-woven bowls. Man: So, if we purchase the 24-piece set...the mini sailboat is included? Rico: That's correct, sir. Lance, you look like a strong young pup. Why don't you see if you can give that a nice tear. Don't hurt yourself now. Man: I can't do it. Can't. Rico:

So, uh...how does the "dealio" sound to you?

Kip:

Dang it.

Napoleon: Is Trisha here? Trisha's Mom: Oh, I'm sorry, she's not. She's at a friend's house right now. Rico: Well, hey, Napoleon. Napoleon's my nephew. Trisha's Mom: Oh, that's nice. Napoleon: Could you just give this to her for me? Trisha's Mom: I certainly could. Napoleon: Thanks. Trisha's Mom: Bye-bye. Rico: Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in the hospital. He still wets the bed and everything. Trisha's Mom: You're kidding. Rico:

Yeah, he's a tender little guy. He still gets beat up and whatnot. Anyway, uh...so we still feelin' pretty good about this, uh, 32-piece set here?

Kip: Ow! Napoleon: What the crap was Uncle Rico doin' over at my girlfriend's house? Kip: Napoleon, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat! Napoleon: Fine. What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a friggin' idiot? Kip: I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Rico. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off. Napoleon: I did? Kip: Yeah, is it bleeding? [Door Opens] Napoleon: A little bit. Rico: Hey, Kip. I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon. Napoleon: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up. Rico: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playin' patty-cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico... is makin' 120 bucks. Napoleon: I could make that much money in five seconds. Kip: Geez. Yeah, right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today. Rico: Napoleon, it looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina. Napoleon:

Why don't you go eat a "decroded" piece of crap.

Napoleon Dynamite's Voice Reading Letter: There's a lot more where this came from if you go to the dance with me. Yours truly, Napoleon Dynamite. Trisha's Mother: You know you're gonna go to that dance with that boy. Trisha:

[Groans]

Farmer: By noon I need them 8,000 hens moved into their new cages. Sometimes they don't want to cooperate. But you give 'em a good shakin', they'll settle down for ya. Napoleon: Do the chickens have large talons? Farmer: Do they have what? Napoleon: Large talons. Farmer:

I don't understand a word you just said. Okay, you meet me back here about noon, and, uh we'll have a little lunch waitin' for ya.

[Chickens Clucking] Napoleon:

Ew!

Farmer: [Slurps] Well, dig in. Lyle: Over there, in that pig pen, I found a couple of Shoshoni arrowheads. Napoleon: [Gags] Farmer: [Refreshing Sigh]

Can't find my checkbook. Hope you don't mind I pay you in change.

Napoleon: Six dollars. That's, like, a dollar an hour. [Phone Rings] Napoleon: Hello? Trisha: Hi. Is Napoleon there? Napoleon: Yes. Trisha: Can I talk to him? Napoleon: You already are. Trisha: Oh. Napoleon, this is Trisha. I'm just calling to tell you that...I can go to the dance with you. And also, I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me. It's hanging in my bedroom. Napoleon: Really? Took me, like, three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done. Trisha: Yeah, it's really...nice. Napoleon: Yeah, well, I'll probably pick you up at 6:00 for the dance. Is that okay? Trisha: That's fine. Napoleon: K, bye. Trisha: Bye. [Groans] Pedro: Who was that? Napoleon: Trisha. Pedro: Who's she? Napoleon: My woman I'm takin' to the dance. Pedro: Do you draw her a picture? Napoleon: Heck, yes, I did! Pedro: Well, what are you going to wear to the dance? Napoleon: Just, like, a silk shirt or something. What are you gonna wear? Pedro:

Deb has something for me. But you should probably get s suit.

Napoleon: Pedro, how do you feel about that one? Pedro: It looks nice. Napoleon:

Yeah. It looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That suit, it's--it's incredible.

Napoleon: I need you to give me a ride in an hour. Rico: [Sighs] Where to? Napoleon: The dance. Rico: You takin' my client's daughter? Napoleon: Yes. We need to pick her up too. Rico: Well, Uncle Rico's got a sale to finalize in Bonita in five minutes. Napoleon: Well, can you just take me and then drop me off when you're done or whatever? Rico:

[Exhales]

Rico: Well, I'll be back in a minute. Don't disturb me while I'm in there. Napoleon: Well, hurry up, 'cause I gotta get Trisha. Rico:

Hi. I got your 24-piece set right here.

Napoleon: So you guys are, like, Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hookups? Pedro's Cousin #1:

Si, bon.

Napoleon: Is Trisha here? Trisha's Dad: Who's that in my driveway? Napoleon:

That's my ride.

Napoleon:

Do you wanna go over by my friend Pedro and dance really quick?

Pedro: Napoleon, when did you get here? Napoleon: Just a couple minutres ago. Have you guys seen Trisha anywhere? Deb: No. Napoleon: Oh. She probably just went to the bathroom. Are you guys having a killer time? Deb: Yes. Pedro:

If you can't find Trisha, I'll let you dance with Deb for a few songs.

Napoleon: I like your sleeves. They're real big. Deb: Thank you. I made them myself. Napoleon: So you and Pedro are getting really serious now? Deb: No. We're just friends. Napoleon: Huh. How are your glamour shots been going lately? Deb: Pretty good. I could do a personal portrait sometime...if you wanted to come over. Napoleon:

Okay.

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me? Napoleon: Heck, yes. I'd vote for you. Pedro: Like, what are my skills? Napoleon: Well, you have a sweet bike...and you're really good at hookin' up with chicks. Plus you're, like, the only guy at school who has a mustache. Pedro: That's true. Napoleon: If you need to use any of my skills, I can do whatever you want. Pedro: Thanks. If I win, you can be my secretary or something. Napoleon: Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard too. Or, like, Secret Service captain or...whatever. Pedro:

Okay.

Napoleon: Is that yours? Kip: Don't touch it. It's Uncle Rico's. Napoleon: What's it for? Kip: It's a time machine, Napoleon. He bought it online. Napoleon: Yeah, right. Kip: It works, Napoleon. You don't even know. Napoleon: Have you guys tried it yet? Kip:

No.

Kip: So, are you ready? Napoleon: Yeah. Hold on. I forgot to put in the crystals. Kay, turn it on. [Current Surges] Napoleon: [Groaning, Grunting] Kill--the pow-- [Groaning] Kill-- [Groaning] [Groaning] Turn it off! Turn it off, Kip! [Moaning] [Groans] It's a piece of crap. It doesn't work. [Panting] Rico: Well, I could've told you that.

[Groans]

Rico: I-I said the 12-pack, not the 24 pack. You're just gonna have to mix and match. Napoleon: [Hushed] Shut up. Say it so the whole world can hear. Rico:

Well, put it back.

Rico:

Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back. And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it. We can use a little of this, I can tell you that. We can use those.

Napoleon: The defect in that one is bleach. Judge: That's correct. Napoleon: Yes! This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch. Judge: Correct. Napoleon:

Yes!

Pedro: They're pretty good except for one little problem. That little guy right there, he is nipple number five. A good dairy cow should have, like, four. Judge:

Well done.

Summer: Vote for Summer. Don: Vote for Summer. Summer: Vote for Summer. Thanks Don: Yeah. Vote for Summer. Summer: Hi. Vote for Summer. Hi, ladies. Vote for Summer. You guys voting? Pedro: Do you think it's kinda warm in here? Napoleon: No. Pedro: I think it's-- They have the heater on or something. Napoleon: It seems pretty good to me. Pedro: You don't feel like your head is burning or-- or anything? Napoleon: No. Pedro: I'm gonna go home and lay down. Napoleon: Kay, See ya. Don: Vote for Summer. Napoleon: Yeah, right. I'm not votin' for her. Don: Then who are you gonna vote for? Napoleon: I'm votin' for Pedro Sanchez. Who do you think? Don: [Scoffs] Napoleon:

Hey, Don, can I have one of those buttons?

Kip: So, that guy in Florida give you your money back yet? Rico: Oh, I wrote him an e-mail, sayin' I'm gonna contact the authorities if I don't get a refund in full. [Sighs] Don't you ever wish you could go back...with all the knowledge you have now? Tsk. Kip: I guess so. Rico: Well, I'll tell you somethin' right now. You'd find your soul mate. Kip: I've already got a soul mate. Rico: Oh, yeah. What's her name again? Kip: Lafawnduh. Rico: Lafawnduh. Huh. How's she doin'? Kip: Well, I think I'm gonna need some time off. She's flyin' out from Detroit for a few days. Rico: Well, what about work? Well, haven't-- haven't you studied up on the new product? Kip: Yes. Rico: Well, do you know it backwards and front? Kip: Basically. Rico: Why don't you sell some to that girlfriend of yours? You might as well do somethin' while you're doin' nothin'. Kip:

Because she doesn't need any. That's why.

Napoleon Hey. I did some drawings for the flyers.
Pedro Thanks.
Napoleon Why do you got your hood up like that?
Pedro Well, when I came home from school, my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while... but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head so hot. So I went into my kitchen, and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see.
Napoleon I know what you mean.

Deb [Sighs] There's just so many options.
Napoleon That one's good. Looks like a medieval warrior.
Deb You know, you're right. That's a good one.
Napoleon Sorry.
Deb I think this matches your season, Pedro.

Pedro Vote for Pedro.
Napoleon Vote for Pedro.
Pedro Vote for Pedro.
Napoleon Vote for Pedro.
Pedro Vote for me.
Napoleon Vote for Pedro. Vote for Pedro.
Pedro Vote for me.
Napoleon Vote for Pedro.
Pedro Vote for Pedro.

Randy Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a pop.
Nerd I don't have any, Randy.
Randy Come on. I'll pay you back.
Nerd I don't have-- Stop. Don't. Stop. Stop.
Randy I'll do this to you.
Nerd Don't. Ow. Here. Here.
Napoleon How's your neck?
Nerd Stings.
Napoleon That's too bad. Pedro offers you his protection.

Randy Hey, let me borrow your bike.
Nerd No.
Randy Come on. I'm gonna get me some chips.
Nerd No.

Lafawnduh [Squeals] [Kissing]

Summer Like a wash, and then you blow-dry it with bleach. Yeah. It's so cool.
Rico Hey, you Trisha?
Trisha Yeah.
Rico You remember me? I'm a friend of you mom's. I'm-- I'm Napoleon's uncle. Uncle Rico.
Trisha Oh. Yeah.
Rico Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you give your mom a couple of these and tell 'em to hand 'em out to her friends or whoever?
Trisha 'Kay.
Rico You girls give me a call if you feel like you could use some. Have a nice day.
Trisha & Summer [Scoff]

Rico [Yelps] [Groans] Why the heck you throwin' crap at my van, Napoleon?
Napoleon Everybody at school things I'm a freakin' idiot 'cause of you.
Rico [Straining] You're gonna clean my van...right now.
Napoleon Get off of me, you bodaggit.
Rico [Groans] [Groaning]
Napoleon [Groans]
Rico [Groaning]

Crowd [Chattering]
Boy Higher. No, no, higher. Yeah!
Crowd [Cheering, Hooting] [Cheering, Hooting]
Boy Yeah. Hit it!

Napoleon Dang.

Principal Look, Pedro. I don't know how they do things down in Juarez, but here in Idaho we have a little something called pride. Understand? Smashing in the face of a piñata that resembles Summer Wheatly is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire Gem State.

D-Qwon Welcome to D-Qwon's Dance Grooves. Are you ready to get your groove on?
Napoleon Yes.
D-Qwon All right, then. Let's get started.

Deb Are you disqualified?
Pedro No. They just made me take down the flyers as a penalty for the piñatas.
Deb Can you still run for president?
Pedro Yes. I don't understand. He say...you're not allowed to smash piñatas that look like real people. But we do it in Mexico all the time.
Deb Your hair looked great today.
Pedro Thank you.
Deb All right. See you tomorrow, Pedro.

Napoleon [Burps] Who are you?
Lafawnduh I'm Lafawnduh.
Napoleon What are you doing here?
Lafawnduh I'm waiting for Kip.
Napoleon Kip?
Lafawnduh Why are you so sweaty?
Napoleon I been practicing.
Lafawnduh Mmm. Practicing what?
Napoleon Some dance moves.
Lafawnduh You like dancing?
Kip Well, my chores are done. So, you ready, Lafawnduh?
Lafawnduh I am, honey.
Kip Sorry, Napoleon. We're just runnin' a little bit late for some prime rib. Tell Uncle Rico not to wait up for me.
Lafawnduh Here. You might like that. My cousin made it. I'll be waitin' outside for you, baby. Bye, Napoleon.
Napoleon See ya.
Kip Lafawnduh is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm a hundred percent positive that she's my soul mate. Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.
Napoleon See ya.

Deb Is this what you were looking for?
Rico Nah, I was thinkin' of somethin' a little more... soft around the edges.
Deb Hmm. Well... I have a nice, soft pink sheet I could hang... and I could wrap you in some foam or... something billowy?
Rico Yeah, billowy's good. [Chuckles]
Deb [Sighs] It'd be really nice if I could get the fan going. I could hang some tinsel from the top.
Rico You know, Deborah, you have...striking features. Such a soft face should be complimented with a...soft body.
Deb Mr. Rico?
Rico My friends and clients, they call me "Uncle Rico."
Deb What are you doing?
Rico Shh. Don't say another word. Napoleon told me you'd be interested.
Deb Napoleon?
Rico You stop wishin', and call me when you're ready.

Napoleon Hello?
Deb Napoleon?
Napoleon Yeah. Who's this?
Deb It's Deb... and I'm calling to let you know I think you're a shallow friend.
Napoleon What the heck are you even talkin' about?
Deb Don't lie, Napoleon. Your Uncle Rico made it very clear how you feel about me.
Napoleon What?
Deb I don't need herbal enhancers to feel good about myself. And if you're so concerned about that, why don't you try eating some yourself?

Rico Right on.
Napoleon Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Rico Uh, she didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon Too bad. She says she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eatin' all our steak.
Rico I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon Get off my property!
Rico It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon Get off my property, or I'll call the cops on you.
Rico Well, then do it. Go on.
Napoleon Maybe I will. Gosh!

Pedro Hello?
Napoleon Pedro? How's it goin'?
Pedro Good.
Napoleon Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
Pedro Why?
Napoleon 'Cause my Uncle Rico's an idiot!
Pedro Do you have anything to give to her?
Napoleon No, not unless she likes fish. Are you still gonna give your speech tomorrow?
Pedro Yes.
Napoleon Do you already know what you're gonna say?
Pedro Yes...but not all of it.
Napoleon Just tell 'em that...their wildest dreams will come true if they vote for you.
Pedro [Sighs]
Napoleon I'll see you tomorrow, Pedro.

Rico [Shouts] Dang it! What do you think you're doing?

Rico Now, if you look right here, we have Sally Johnson from Manitou, Colorado. Would you like to read her testimonial right there?
Starla Sure. Um... "After using Bust Must Plus, I have such big bosoms--" I don't feel comfortable reading this.
Rico Oh, that's fine. That's fine. But do you feel comfortable with me? You could be...somewhere around, uh...here.
[Sauce Pans Clattering]
Rex Come here, boy!
[Commotion, Crashing]
Rico [Yelping]

Summer Well, I never thought I would make it here today. I would be a great class president because I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonnebell dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms. Oh, we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms. Anyway, I think I'd be a great class president, so, uh... who wants to eat "chimini-changas" next year? Not me. See, with me, it will be summer all year long. Vote for Summer.
Principal And now Summer will perform her skit with members of our very own Happy Hands Club.
Woman Your speech is up next. Your skit had better be pretty good.
Pedro A skit?
Woman You perform a skit after your speech, Pedro.
Napoleon What? A flippin' skit? Why didn't anybody tell us about this?
[Summers Skit is Performed]
Pedro I dont' want to be president anyway.
Napoleon Pedro, just listen to your heart. That's what I do.
Pedro I'll just tell them that I have nothing to say. Hello. I don't have much to say. But I think it would be good to have some holy santos brought to the high school to guard the hallway and to bring us good luck. El Santo Niño de Atocha is a good one. My Aunt Concha has seen him. And...we have a great F.F.A. schedule lined up-- and I'd like to see more of that. If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true. Thank you.
Principal Up next, I hope you'll enjoy a skit by Pedro Sanchez.
Napoleon [Sighs]
[Napoleon Dances]

Napoleon I caught you a delicious bass. You wanna play me?
Deb [Nods]

[Credits Run}

Lyle I, uh, would like to give you this advice. And a fella give me some years ago. He said, "When an argument arises... if you go outside and take, uh, a nice walk... you'll calm down and then you can come back and it won't be an argument. And you'll find that helps your health. All that fresh air and exercise will do you a lot of good." [Chuckles] Is there anything else you'd like to ask about?
Tina [Grunts]
Rico Pedro. Where the heck's Napoleon?
Pedro I don't know.
Lyle Lafawnduh Lucas, do you take Kipland Ronald Dynamite to be your lawful wedded husband... to honor in sickness and health 'till death do you part?
Lafawnduh I do.
Lyle Kipland Ronald Dynamite do you take Lafawnduh Lucas to be your lawful wedded wife in sickness and health 'till death do you part?
Kip You know I do.
Lyle By the authority vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Kip [Sings] Why do you love me Why do you need me Always and forever We met in a chat room Now our love can fully bloom Sure the World Wide Web is great [Feedback] But you, you make me "salvivate" Yes, I love technology But not as much as you, you see But I still love technology Always and forever Our love is like a flock of doves Flying up to heaven above Always and forever Always and forever Yes our love is truly great Always and forever Why do you need me Why do you love me
Napoleon Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.
Kip Hmm.
Napoleon Hey, Deb, can you take a photo of me on the horse real quick?
Deb Sure [Shutter Clicks]
Napoleon Thanks. I hope your guys's experiences are unforgettable.
Kip Hmm. Lookee, lookee. A little keepsake for you guys.
Napoleon Lucky.