(Thank you to u/Gwultz for helping me with these trophy descriptions. Huge shout out to 'em.) With that being said, here's "Best of the Smash AU trophy gallery, part 2."
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Dennis (alt 2)
You'd think that Dennis would take to the merging of all dimensions into the world of trophies like a fish out of water, but not long after the Neo Subspace Army rose, he took a job from SMG3 to serve as a primary enforcer. From duking it out with Noctis in a high-speed vehicular duel to defending the Toppat transport train, this furious fish has a bad habit of rigging fights in his favor by keeping several stolen Endoskeletons on standby to attack. What a crook!
Flamethrower Bare Endo
I'm certain you're wondering how we at Fazbear Incorporated build all your Fazbear friends+ to life, then look no further than Flamethrower Bare Endo! His high pressure flamethrower allows him to fuse all the bits and pieces together with jaw-dropping ease, and he doesn't require eat or sleep!++ From Friendo Endo+++ to even ol' Freddy himself, you can take heart in knowing that every single one of our classic characters was built to last.
+This phrase is copyrighted by Fazbear Incorporated, and use of it for business or pleasure without proper consultation from the Fazbear legal team is grounds for us to sue.
++Fazbear Corporate cannot and will not confirm or deny any accusations of us forcing our workers to neglect eat and sleep regardless. Remember: You can't prove anything!
+++Due to a minor shipping snafu, Flamethrower Bare Endo and Friendo Endo share remarkably similar serial numbers and other such internal data, so Fazbear Incorporated is not responsible for any damage incurred if, by some miraculous mix-up, Flamethrower Bare Endo is delivered to your house instead of Friendo Endo, even and especially if Flamethrower Bare Endo goes haywire. Again, you can't prove anything!
First appearance: FNAF AR: Special Delivery
Doctor Zomboss
Full name Edgar George Zomboss. This postmortem brainiac maniac graduated from college at the top of his thanatology class, and immediately set about the construction of a powerful Zombot mech and a massive zombie army, seeking to dominate his local suburban subdivision. Short in stature and in temper, Zomboss is quick to berate his zombie troopers whenever a plan to beat the plants goes pear-shaped. First appearance: Plants vs. Zombies
King Knight
Once thought to be the champion who would save the valley from the Enchantress, King Knight let his pride and ambition go to his head, and soon turned against the people to join her evil Order of no Quarter. Cocky, blustering, and eager to set straight any who dare to knock him from his usurped throne, this gilded goon is a force to be reckoned with, even in spite of his soft spot for his beloved mother. First appearance: Shovel Knight: Shovel of Hope
Kaos
Coming from a long line of evil tyrants , Kaos strives to defeat the Skylanders and conquer the Skylands once and for all, both to satiate his own pride and to one-up his much more successful family. Though his arrogance and lack of evil street-smarts often comes back to bite him, he is still not to be underestimated. His DOOMSHARKS are a sight to behold! First appearance: Skylanders: Spyro's adventure (console edition)
Ahlgon
The two warring deities of light and dark, Galeem and Dharkon, were so preoccupied with their battle against the Smash Brothers and each other that they were thoroughly unprepared for Ultron (now possessing the body of YHVH) infecting them both with his highly advanced new Ultron virus. Seeking to satisfy his own morbid curiosity as well as defeat the Smashers, the AI fused the two gods into Ahlgon, God of dusk. With both gods still locked in bitter combat inside this unstable fusion, Ahlgon is constantly at war within itself, and now craves the bitter yet merciful embrace of death even as it lashes out at the Smashers with everything it has. First appearance: Super Smash Brothers AU
Makoto Yuuki (Persona series)
This second year student is different than most: Having a bit of Death trapped within him, he found the Ability to form bonds with others. First appearance: Persona 3
Kakyoin
This cherry loving Stand user had 50 days of friendship, before he sacrificed himself to reveal the stand ability of DIO. First appearance: Jojo's bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders.
Duon
One of the primary commanders of the Subspace army, Duon packs two varieties of punch. His blue half can cleave foes in two with a flurry of sword strikes and charge attacks, while his pink half can lay down hurt from afar using two arm cannons and a mortar integrated into his head. Neo Tabuu expended plenty of Shadow Bugs in order to bring Duon back, but as a result of the damage sustained in his first bout against the Smashers on the battleship Halberd, Duon has gone from strong-but-silent war machine to chipper, occasionally snarky assistant bot, though he retains his deadly combat ability and loyalty to Tabuu. First appearance: Super Smash Brothers Brawl
DIO
You thought that it was a different trophy, but it was him! DIO (all caps necessary) has been the vampiric mortal foe of the Jojo family line for generations. Though he doesn't have Death himself on his side like a certain other vampire, he does have a flair for the dramatic, significant physical prowess, and a powerful stand that allows him to freeze time for ten seconds. However, he's quite cocky, which tends to be his downfall more often than not. So, kind of like Dracula, but with a bit of Bowser thrown in, which would explain his passing resemblance to one of the Koopa King's alternate skins.... First appearance: Jojo part 1
Henry Stickmin
A kleptomaniacal stick figure with plenty of adventures under his belt, Henry's gotten himself in and out of too many jams to count. Stealing gems, busting out of prisons, bringing down criminal organizations, you name it, he's done it, in spite of (or perhaps because of) his wildly unpredictable luck. Though Henry started out as a simple petty thief, later games in his series would allow players to set him on more altruistic paths. One has to wonder, what's next for him? First appearance: Breaking the Bank (or crossing the pit if you want to get technical)
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Yang Xiao Long
Ruby's older sister, and quite the brawler! With her dual shotgun gauntlets, Ember Celica, she can hit quite hard. And with her semblance, Burn, you can bet she's a bartender's worst nightmare! First appearance: Yellow trailer, or RWBY Volume 1
Fawful
He has chortles! This green Beanbean Kingdom Resident fights using his vaccum helmet, and an arrangement of technology! First appearance: Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga (2003)
Aperture Science Turret
Standing guard over the long abandoned testing facilities of Aperture Science, these Turrets operate on a simple, yet effective, subroutine: if something catches their eye, they'll shoot. Simple as that. Each turret eschews the traditional gunpowder-using chamber mechanism in favor of launching bullets with springs. Though each projectile packs way less of a punch because of this, it allows them to store 100% more bullet per bullet. First appearance: Portal
Drill-X
Kaos tasked this big bot with drilling for the lost city of Arkus at his big rig. Drill-X often got bored with the monotonous process, and attempted to alleviate his boredom by picking up a side career in rapping, so don't be surprised if he spits fire as hot as the fireballs launched from his drill during battles against him. After being defeated by the Giants and taking on the brief career as a chef, Drill-X returned as part of the Neo Subspace army, integrating himself into Metal Gear REX to dish out twice the painful payback. First appearance: Skylanders Giants (console edition)
Star allies sparkler
You thought the Dragoon and the friend star packed a pink punch? Take a look at this baby! By harnessing the power of their best friendships, Kirby and his Star allies transformed the friend star into this new vehicle to chase after Void Terminia. With the ability to fire powerful charged unison blasts and fly at the speed of light, the Neo Subspace Army got a firsthand taste of friendship power at the wings of this baby in chapter 999: The great invasion 2: electric boogaloo. Even I have to say it, that scene was awesome! First appearance: Kirby Star Allies
Hole punch (Paper Mario)
Hole punch loves to jam out to some sick beats! In the Neo Subspace army, he serves under King Olly AND Neo Tabuu! First appearance: Paper Mario the Origami King (2020)
Belle Fontire
Tascorp's very own Meta Runner was actually on the heroes side during Subspace 2. The only thing that matches her gaming skill is her attitude! First appeareace: Meta Runner (2019)
Fall Guy (alt one)
The Fall Guys game show was rife with a variety of comical yet painful booby traps, ranging from bouncy bumpers to swinging wrecking balls, and Fall Guy can wield and deploy all of them as part of his move set. This is a bit of a triple-edged sword: these traps can launch him around just as much, but Fall Guy has the unique ability to deal damage to enemies he gets launched into. Sometimes it's worth taking a knock on the noggin to close out that final win! First appearance: Fall Guys
Doctor Zomboss (alt 2)
When Zomboss was called into another dimension by Neo Tabuu, he had fully expected to leave the Subspace demigod speechless with his intellect and zombie army. However, it was the Doctor who was left speechless, as the neon butterfly of death threw him out on his ear. Fuming from this humiliation, the brainiac maniac found a kindred spirit in Kaos, who was similarly rejected. Though the two at first bickered over who would conquer where and who was the bigger evil genius, both undead and dark portal master soon found that they had plenty in common, such as hatred of a bearded arch-enemy's army and the incompetence of their minions, and hit it off swimmingly from there. Now the dastardly duo seek to put pay to both the Smash Brothers and the Neo Subspace Army, and rule over all worlds for all time. First appearance: Plants vs. Zombies
Ruby Rose (Alt 2)
Ruby has seen death itself now. ANd now, in her Mistral outfit, she's ready to take on anything! (Yet the dead are still alive) and she's ready to help the heroes! First appearance: RWBY volume 1
Wheatley (Portal)
Wheatley is now in control of the facility, and Neo Tabuu makes sure to check on him and his little death traps. Wheatley was secretly planning on getting his vengeance on GlaDoS, and the person who threw him into space.
Bare Endo
Though we at Fazbear incorporated make our top priority to bring food, fantasy, and fun to families of all shapes and sizes, we still have a business to run, so you'll have to understand if renting out our beloved characters through our patented Special Delivery app is a touch above your budget. But that doesn't mean we can't offer a more affordable option to bring yourself some joy! Introducing Friendo Endo! Available for rent at a discounted price from the rest of your Fazbear Friends, Endo won't let his lack of a costume stop him from giving you a fun time, and you can dress him however you want! And for a small additional fee, we'll send him to your home decked out with the latest in AnimStealth technology. Friendo Endo, the latest addition to the Fazbear Family, dedicated to bringing you Food, Fantasy, and Fun! (Brought to you in partnership with the Neo Subspace Army. Warning: Fazbear incorporated is not responsible for any damage incurred if Endo goes haywire, including damage to hearing sustained from his stunning sonic screech. Remember: you can't prove anything!) First appearance: FNAF 2
Primid
Neo Tabuu puts these walking bundles of shadow bugs back into the fray as cannon fodder, but due to his more limited supply of power, these guys are a little less concentrated, from a literal and figurative sense. They'll just as often engage in dress-up as they will attack you, and one even joins Captain Goomba against the Subspace Army. They just don't make em like they used to, I suppose... First appearance: Super Smash Brothers Brawl
Hyness
Hyness and his three Mage generals were banished by the ancients for resorting to drastic measures to stop a great galactic crisis, and the leader of the Jamba cult was driven mad by this injustice. Seeking to get revenge on them, Hyness attempted to summon the dark God of destruction Void Termina, the strongest warrior in the galaxy Galacta Knight, and even sought to draw upon power from Another Dimension, corrupting him and his Mages in the process. Thankfully, Kirby and his friends defeated the officiant of doom and his generals at every turn, eventually purifying them with his friend hearts. Hyness is now back to being the kind soul he used to be, but he can still be a bit senile.... First appearance: Kirby Star Allies
The Necrodancer
Once a humble bard named Octavian, the mad whispers of the golden lute warped his mind, body, and soul. Now standing guard over his crypt, the Necrodancer raises an army of undead and monsters with his malicious melodies, and any who try to take his lute will be on the receiving end of of a deadly power chord! First appearance: Crypt of the Necrodancer
Dennis (alt 2)
You'd think that Dennis would take to the merging of all dimensions into the world of trophies like a fish out of water, but not long after the Neo Subspace Army rose, he took a job from SMG3 to serve as a primary enforcer. From duking it out with Noctis in a high-speed vehicular duel to defending the Toppat transport train, this furious fish has a bad habit of rigging fights in his favor by keeping several stolen Endoskeletons on standby to attack. What a crook!
Flamethrower Bare Endo
I'm certain you're wondering how we at Fazbear Incorporated build all your Fazbear friends+ to life, then look no further than Flamethrower Bare Endo! His high pressure flamethrower allows him to fuse all the bits and pieces together with jaw-dropping ease, and he doesn't require eat or sleep!++ From Friendo Endo+++ to even ol' Freddy himself, you can take heart in knowing that every single one of our classic characters was built to last.
+This phrase is copyrighted by Fazbear Incorporated, and use of it for business or pleasure without proper consultation from the Fazbear legal team is grounds for us to sue.
++Fazbear Corporate cannot and will not confirm or deny any accusations of us forcing our workers to neglect eat and sleep regardless. Remember: You can't prove anything!
+++Due to a minor shipping snafu, Flamethrower Bare Endo and Friendo Endo share remarkably similar serial numbers and other such internal data, so Fazbear Incorporated is not responsible for any damage incurred if, by some miraculous mix-up, Flamethrower Bare Endo is delivered to your house instead of Friendo Endo, even and especially if Flamethrower Bare Endo goes haywire. Again, you can't prove anything!
First appearance: FNAF AR: Special Delivery
Young Anakin
Before he was the towering dark lord of the Sith, or even before he was the trusted Jedi partner of Obi-Wan, Anakin Skywalker was a child, just like you or me. Born into a life of slavery, young Ani spends his time scavenging for parts to tinker with, and he's surprisingly resourceful for a boy his age, having built a protocol droid and repaired a defunct pod racer all on his own. However, his unnaturally high midichlorian count, as well as his desire to deliver him and his mother to better lives at any cost, serve as sobering reminders to his final destiny. First appearance: Star Wars episode I: The Phantom Menace
Dennis
A vicious, cold-blooded predator, Dennis makes his living as an assassin and hired thug, and he really enjoys his work. In addition to his combat knife, he also makes use of his spiky boots to literally stomp out his targets. Holding a major chip on his shoulder ever since SpongeBob and Patrick managed to slip away from him, Dennis is determined to always get his man. First appearance: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie
Bowser's castle hangout
It's true what they say, "A koopas home is his castle." The infamous king Bowser Koopa spends most of his time here waiting for Mario to show up and rescue Peach. Pick your poison wisely when fighting on this perilous stage. The left side is populated with firebars and Thwomps looking to catch unsuspecting guests. The right side seems much more innocuous, but keep an eye on that axe- one good hit will send it tipping over, knocking the bridge out. It'll come back eventually of course, but anyone standing there when it collapses will take an extra steamy lava bath! First appearance: Super Mario Bros.
Endercon
An annual contest where builders from all around the world show off their skills, the big winners of Endercon get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet the famous warrior of the Order of the Stone, Gabriel. A large central platform will instantly be constructed in the middle for fighters to duke it out, but plenty of builds will show up for you to stand on, be them on or off the stage. Just don't get too comfy on them, cause they'll soon be taken down for the next build to take their time in the sun. First appearance: Minecraft story mode
Rubber band
One of the members of King Olly's legion of stationary, Rubber Band fancies themself an entertainer, even though their stage plays are all designed to bring an end to their King's most persistent foe, Mario. Pull back the proverbial gossamer curtain with the 1000-fold arms will reveal the elastic entertainers significantly less impressive true form, but they won't simply give up there, and will launch themselves into the portly plumber at the speed of sound for big damage. First appearance: Paper Mario: the origami king
Robo Right Hand Man
Even Henry defeating him on the Toppat airship isn't enough to put this persistent thug down for keeps. Brought back to life as a cyborg, RHM now has several powerful weapons integrated directly into his body, notably rocket thrusters and a laser eye. Depending on what choices the player made after defeating him, ol' Righty could end up as the new boss of the Toppats, or even working alongside Henry. First appearance: Completing the Mission
Night guard office
A simple desk equipped with buttons to close the heavy duty doors and a security monitor, this office has served many a Fazbear night watchman well, or so the company claims. As a stage, fighters will be shrunken down to fit on the desk. Just be sure to hit the door buttons when you spot an animatronic in the doorway! While they'll pay no mind to you, the nasty sight will leave fighters paralyzed for a time.
Doo_liss
hey, izanos! It's everyone's favorite Pa_er Mario boss, Doo_liss! This ghouls _owers go behind even sha_eshifting, as he can steals someone's name and body easy as _ie! Though Doo_liss had a bit of an aloof, _unkish streak, he did turn over a new leaf by the end of his home game and and started a career acting in _lays. Maybe that's why _eo_le were so _leased to see him make a _layable debut here! First a_earance: Pa_er Mario: the thousand year door
Creeper
sssss.... KAPOW! That's the sound a creeper will make when it sneaks up behind you and combusts without warning, depriving you of all your things and sending you right back to your bed. Fans of Minecraft love to hate the creeper so much, it's seen as an unofficial mascot for the game. Just don't be so mad at them you lose your cool and try to strike them with lightning, or you'll charge them right up. The only thing rarer than a charged Creeper is a player who survives an encounter with one! First appearance: Minecraft
Tourist trap island
This Neighborville tourist hotspot just sort of showed up one day, but who can resist a lovely tropical island? However, it's not all fun and games in paradise, as the evil Doctor Zomboss has staffed the island with his loyal undead minions, and seeks to use his diabolical weather machine to leave any passing cruise ships stranded as brain meals! As a stage, fighters will be caught in unpredictable gale force winds at the base of the primary storm machine. Keep that switch pushed into the off setting, or you'll spend more time getting pushed around then you will fighting. First appearance: Plants vs. Zombies: Battle for Neighborville
Plushtrap
Aw, isn't this just the most adorable little thing?.... Actually, not really. With its creepy vacant stare and needle-sharp teeth, Plushtrap was presumably an ill-fated attempt by Fazbear Incorporated to break into the world of marketable plushes. Still, at least it's not out to murder you like the animatronic it's based off of. Hold on, did it just move? First appearance: FNAF 4
Trash and the gang
Budget options for the budding pizzeria owner, Trash and the gang are.... I mean.... They're better than nothing, I suppose. They don't sing, they don't dance, they don't even stay together half the time, but they'll do until you can get some proper moolah under your belt. Even when they returned in the Ultimate Custon Night, the only way they could hinder players was by making distracting noise. I'm not sure these guys will live on in the hearts of children. First appearance: FNAF pizzeria simulator
King Boo
The spectral monarch of all ghosts, King Boo once tried to trick Mario into being trapped in a haunted mansion, only to be foiled by his brother Luigi. This left the ghost King with a major bone to pick against the number 2 plumber, and he's hounded poor Luigi to the ends of the earth ever since, hoping to extract revenge. Armed with his power-enhancing crown and mighty illusionary powers, this is one Boo you definitely wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, and even staring him right in the eyes won't keep you safe from him for long. First appearance: Luigi's Mansion
Doctor Zomboss (alt 1)
Zomboss is more of a hands-off type of commander, preferring to hang back and pummel plants from afar with a barrage of projectiles. Thrown wrenches and zombie heads do the job nicely, but for something a little meatier, he can whip out on of many miniature Zombot heads to launch more powerful projectiles depending on what Zombot it is, such as fire breath, missiles, or an incursion of imps. To keep enemies from reaching him before he can start firing away, Zomboss relies on the other half of his arsenal: Zombie summoning. Bucket headed Meatshields, lightning fast Pole vaulters, or more unorthodox picks like Jesters and Jack-in-the-boxers, one thing is for sure, they'll lay down massive hurt while Zomboss plugs away!
Zombot's wrath
Breaking open the Smash Ball as Doctor Zomboss will summon his most powerful creation to the battlefield: The Zombot 9000. Bombarding the stage with elemental breath attacks while summoning huge waves of zombies, foes are sure to get stomped one way or another. For the figurative cherry on top, the Zombot throws a Winnebago before flying away, launching whoever gets hit and ensuring some poor soul has to live with insurance premiums that go through the roof.
Takaya
A cold and callous shell of a man, Takaya is the leader of Strega, a group who stands in opposition to S.E.E.S and seeks to bring about the fall of man. Takaya lacks empathy, seeing anything not done for one's own gain or indulgence as useless, and holds the bitter and nihilistic view that all of humankind craves death. Unlike S.E.E.S, Takaya doesn't need an evoker to summon his Persona, which may be for the best. Imagine if he confused it with his revolver, or vice versa! Actually, that'd probably make him much easier to deal with. First appearance: Persona 3
The Lich (EtG)
Awaiting all worthy challengers in the depths of Bullet Hell is the Lich, the timeless and immortal master of the Gungeon. Some think that this Revenant with a revolver used to be the first who conquered the Gungeon, but it's doubtful that any can confirm these claims, and the Lich himself isn't telling. With a supremely steady eye and the itchiest trigger finger you've ever seen, defeating the Lich is an impossibility for all but a master marksman. First appearance: Enter the Gungeon
Evoker
This tool is one of few things that allow a Persona user to call upon their Persona in the real world. Despite its resemblance to a pistol, this is purely for show, and the user is in no danger when they point it at themselves and pull the trigger. However, it does force the user to subconsciously confront the possibility that they may die there, and these feelings of stress are what allow their Persona to surface. First appearance: Persona 3
SMG3
Rival to SMG4, this mad machinimist wants payback against him ever since he got caught stealing content. He's made a few attempts to go straight, but circumstances have turned against him as of recent, tragically setting him firmly on the path of do-baddery. Though his scheme have had limited success in the past, he might just be able to harness the power of the YouTube Remote to turn the tables on his more popular counterpart and establish an iron grip over YouTube once and for all. Fun fact: he has a doctorate in psychology! First appearance: SMG4 vs SMG3 (SMG4 series)
Captain Smasher
The nastiest undead menace to ever set sail, Captain Smasher was sealed away for many years, only to be freed by the Dave-bot 9000 as part of a misheard request for Crazy Dave's birthday gift. Armed with a cannon and a craving for vitamin C, this cruel captain is immune to damage unless you vanquish his cursebearers first. First appearance: Plants vs. Zombies Garden Warfare 2
Bullet Kin
These adorable little guys make up the first line of defense for the Gungeon, but don't let this looks fool you. Bullet kin, like all Gundead, are belligerent by nature, so don't be afraid to show them who's boss. Though Bullet Kin are simple enough opponents on their own, huge numbers can easily overwhelm an unprepared Gungeoneer, and some can come with rapid fire capabilities or the foresight to lead their shots to boot. To make a long story short, cuddling is a bad idea. First appearance: Enter the Gungeon
The gun that can kill the past
Contained in a musty chest hidden in the depths of the fifth chamber of the Gungeon, TGTCKTP, rather than shooting the enemy, shoots its wielder back in time to the moment of their greatest regret. Even though such an artifact has driven many to madness trying and failing to find and use it, you'd be surprised at what people would be willing to go through for that second shot. Matter of fact, maybe if I..... What am I saying?! Never mind. Just know that to find and use this gun to its full potential is a great feat indeed. First appearance: Enter the Gungeon
Puppit
An unnerving create of Subspace that hangs from seemingly endless marionette strings, lashing out with claws and lasers. Rumor has it that Fazbear Incorporated established a partnership with the Neo Subspace army in exchange for the army not suing them for reasons relating to this freakish foe. Puppits are a touch more unpredictable than their last appearance, and will sometimes latch on to fighters without warning. Yikes! First appearance: Super Smash Brothers Brawl
Spell Punks
Mysterious mages that hail from the Skylands, Spell Punks each have mastery over one element. You can tell them apart by their distinctive colors and different abilities. Air Punks speed up their allies, Life Punks heal them, Magic conceals, Earth shields, Undead summon undead minions, tech locks on to their enemies with mighty sky lasers, water freezes foes, and Fire rapidly shoots flame bursts. Got it? Good! Now just try to remember all that when you have an army Bearing down on you as those Punks hide in the back, providing support and covering fire! First appearance: Skylanders: Spyro's adventure
Armight
Another returning Subspace goon, Armight neglected to bring all too many new tricks for this game. His mustache is slightly fancier and he'll sometimes attack all around him with a spinning headbutt,mbut he mostly just sticks to his old attacks of slashing and throwing swords. Some may call him archaic, but he calls it honorable, and there's something to be said about how he can hold his own amidst all his peers and their innovations. Good on you, Armight! First appearance: Super Smash Brothers Brawl
Nyx avatar
The incomplete bringer of Erebus, made manifest by humanity's desire for death, Nyx is progenitor of the dark hour and the resultant shadows. If S.E.E.S wish to save all of humankind, they must scale Tarterus once more and cast Nyx back to whence it came. Though Nyx's influence and power has waned ever since it was brought into the world of trophies, it still holds immense almighty power, especially when Scissors channels their deathly energies through his dual blades. First appearance: Persona 3
Trollverine
Fa-shwing! Let's go, bub! This copyright-friendly troll enemy is one of the heavy hitters of Kaos' army. The claw on his right arm allows it to let loose with many a powerful combo, and the shield on his left can deflect attacks. He lowers it when he's about to strike though, and that's your chance to shred him right back. Even though Trollverine is annoying to deal with, at least that helmet of his looks cool. First appearance: Skylanders: Spyro's adventure
Goliath Drow
Living up to his name, this deluxe-sized Drow trades the finesse of his smaller brethren for raw power. A shame he puts that strength to use working for the forces of darkness, because he'd be quite a boon as a handyman. As it stands though, those guards on his forearms give his charge attack some extra "oomph," and there's no way to knock him out of it- When taking a stand against this Titan, you either move or get moved. If you're unlucky, Goliath Drow may come partnered with Life Spell Punks who'll heal them up, just for an extra kick in the teeth. First appearance: Skylanders: Spyro's adventure
Jack Frost
Hee-ho! One of the most iconic demons to ever appear in an ATLUS title, Jack Frost is a mythical trickster of snow and ice. Naturally, he packs several powerful Bufu spells that he can use to freeze enemies right in their tracks. His fame even extends to his own universe, as there's plenty of merchandise of him to be found. But wait, I though most normal people were unaware of shadows like him! Hmm... Something's fishy here. First appearance: Shin Megami Tensai
Despacito Spiderlings
Offspring of the more threatening Despacito Spider, these little buggers swarm a target en masse, hoping to defeat it with sheer numbers. Though they lack the mental compulsion abilities of their fully grown form, they do pack something far more horrifying: the implication that these things breed. I'm not sure I want to know, really.... First appearance: Roblox
Right Hand Man
Second in command of the Toppats and best friend of Reginald, no one actually knows RHM's true name. One thing that is known about him is his dedication to the Toppat cause and deadly fighting ability. A physical powerhouse who packs hefty firearms and advanced combat techniques like reflectors and shockwaves, you'd do well not to trifle with him, or he'll hound you to the ends of the earth to get payback. First appearance: Infiltrating the airship
Master Kohga
*After the Sheikah tribe failed to stop the great Calamity from ravaging Hyrule, the people turned against the advanced monks. Though some stayed dedicated to the cause of protecting the people, others grew bitter and sought revenge, forming a subsect known as the Yiga clan who worshipped Ganon and attacking anyone they came across. Formed by many deadly assassins and blademasters, none is more dangerous than Master Kohga, who wields the ancient Sheikah techniques of force shields, levitation, and magnetization with practice and skill in battle against the hero of the wilds. Well, maybe not TOO much skill. Just bop him while his projectiles hover over him, and see what I mean. First appearance: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Galleom 2.0
This classic Subspace war machine spent some time as a spirit after being defeated by three traveling swordsmen and two young boys, but Neo Tabuu rebuilt, revamped, and refurbished him for revenge. Galleom 2.0 is significantly stronger than the previous model (which is certainly saying something!) and is much more versatile too, with many new armaments such as a powerful flail weapon and a nasty heavy duty laser cannon concealed within those big metal fists. Though this rampaging Robo-Rhino is a creature of few words, it does exude an aura of respect for those who can surpass even it in combat. First appearance: Super Smash Brothers AU
GAL Mobile Weapons Platform
Short for Gatling Assault Laser mobile weapons platform, this Neo Subspace army transport vehicle was modeled after Galleom's tank form. In addition to the countless Shadow Bugs it contains to release in the form of Primids and other such bad guys, this assault vehicle is equipped with a Gatling laser and two missile launchers to discourage any attackers, and it's rocket boosters and thick metal armor allow it to soak up damage and ram opponents with impunity. However, there's also a certain nostalgic feeling one gets when they look at it and remember what it was based off of. Ah.... Even now, it brings back fond memories of that showdown in the wilds. First appearance: Super Smash Brothers AU
Neo Tabuu
Once thought to be destroyed along with his Great Maze, Tabuu has risen again by absorbing the power of two fallen gods of light and dark. Determined to see his vision of a world of Subspace come to fruition, he adopts the moniker of Neo Tabuu as he scours the multiverse for worthy generals to serve in his new army. Whatever dimension the neon butterfly hailed from is long lost to history, but whether that plays a role in his motives is anyone's guess. Just what is he..? First appearance: Super Smash Brothers AU
Reginald Copperbottom
Don't let his impeccable fashion and posh accent fool you- this stick figure has lead the notorious Toppat Clan on many a successful heist. He earned both his second hat and leadership of the clan by overthrowing the previous leader. Though Reginald may insist upon the clan following a sort of honor code, he himself is known to take actions that are cowardly and downright dishonorable- but every decision he makes is to ensure that the clan prospers as it has done ever since it was first conceived. First appearance: Infiltrating the airship
Nagagog
These growing sumo-esqe Subspace bruisers are back to serve as heavy lifters and heavier hitters. Though most simply retain their ability to grow after being significantly hurt, some of the new generation of Nagagog have mutated the ability to grow into a form even stronger than their red form without taking any damage. However, these lucky few are so cocky as a result that you'll often find them napping on the job, allowing you to sneak past, or get in a preemptive strike if you're looking to tussle. You know what they say, "you snooze, you lose!" First appearance: Super Smash Brothers Brawl
Borboras
Yet another veteran enemy of the first Subspace war, Borboras is significantly more versatile than they were in their first incarnation. In addition to their previous ability to blow foes back with gale-force winds, they can spit bouncing bombs for more of a punch, or even signal other members of the Subspace army by trumpeting from their distinct snouts. Who says an old baddie can't learn new tricks? First appearance: Super Smash Brothers Brawl
Futaba Sakura
A girl warped in a belief that she was the one who killed her mother, the Phantom Thieves stole her heart (After a blackmail from her, of course) First appearance: Persona 5
Steve [Minecraft] (Alt 2)
In Subspace 2, Steve seems harmless, at first. But he eventually does betray the heroes. How rude of him!
Right Hand Man (Alt 2)
After all his cybernetic upgrades, Right Hand Man is ready to battle Paper Mario in the center of Toad Town! Let's see him dodge everything he has! First appearance: Super Smash Bros AU: Subspace Emissary 2
Olivia ([Paper Mario] alt 2)
After sacrificing herself to undo her brother's destruction, Olivia wonders why she's back, in an arena with Chie Satonaka.
Ryuji Sakamoto
After his leg was broken, he could no longer be on the running team. Still doesn't stop him from chaining the hearts of all those Rotten Adults! First appearance: Persona 5
Paper Mario
Thinner Mario, bigger adventure! Paper Mario can turn into almost any form, and with is partners at his back, you can expect an awesome adventure! First appearance: Paper Mario
Ellie Rose
Another Wall convict, just like Henry. Henry either has the option to help or, or leave her behind. First appearance: Fleeing the Wall
Count Dooku
The mentor to Qui Gon Jinn, Count Dooku found his place on the Darker Side of the force. First appearance: Star Wars episode II: Attack of the clones
Cinder Fall
The one who aspired to be the Fall maiden, Cinder did almost anything to get hands hands on said power. First appearance: RWBY Volume 1 (Shadow), RWBY Volume 2 (First major screen appearance)
Saiko
Fishy Boopkin's dating sim girlfriend brought to life, Saiko is still earning to be nice. First appearance: Doki Doki Mario Club (SMG4)
Metroville
Fighters will be on street level for this stage, and the final Omnidroid from the film will be there. First appearance: The incredibles
Atlas
The north-most kingdom in Remnant, Fighters will be taken using a platform all around! First appearance: RWBY Volume 7
Battle ring
A new mode was introduced, called Origami battles. Fighters take turns rotating the ring to fight. First appearance: Paper Mario the Origami King
Egypt city
Egypt City from part 3 is here! Be sure to try to combo into Road Roller! First appearance: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders
London (POTC)
The opening part of On Stranger Tides is fully recreated here as a stage! First appearance: Pirates of The Caribbean
Mario (SMG4)
Mario's dumber variant. This idiot's blood type is apparently spaghetti, and he has "An infnite IQ." First appearance: SMG4: The cake is a lie
Tia Dalma
Calaypso in human form. She answers questions of destiny and fate. She could even give you a jar of dirt! First appearance: Dead Man's Chest
Petra (Minecraft)
Not much is actually known on Petra, as she keeps to herself, mostly. She does have a whiting habit, though. First appearance: MCSM, episode 1
Pyrrha Nikos
The face of Pumpkin Pete's cereal, Pyrrha the invicible believes in destiny. First appearance: RWBY Volume 1
Rob (SMG4)
One of the SMG3-Anti crew members, Rob LOVES corn. He has an almost unhealthy obsession with it. First appearance: SMG4: CORN
Gekkoukan Primary High School
The pride of Tatsumi Port Island, this is a playable stage.
Star Platinum
Jotaro's main stand, Star Platinum is worthy foe whenever used by the famous Stand User! First appearance: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders

Introduction

Narrator text: Today... I'm going to tell the story of "Star Spirits and Good Wishes".
(Blank stage background rolls to isle in night sky with stars surrounding it.)
Far, far away, beyond the sky, way above the clouds, it's been said that there's a haven where the Stars live.
(Backdrops slides to the haven sanctuary.)
In the sanctuary of Star Haven there rests a fable treasure called the Star Rod, which has the power to grant all wishes.
(Backdrop slides to a closer view of Star Rod.)
Using this wondrous Star Rod, the seven revered Star Spirits watched over our peaceful world carefully...very carefully.
(Backdrop slides to a zoomed out view of the rod, with a taped image of Kammy Koopa overhead.)
And then...
Oh dear...
What the...?
Who stuck that weird thing into this story?
(Back view of Bowser slides up.)
Bowser: Ha ha ha! Yeah! I did! Gwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! So I can, at long last, beat my archenemy, Mario. I'll take this Star Rod! (Flies up to the right of screen, and the backdrop changes to a closer view of the Kammy image.) Do it, Kammy Koopa!!
(Kammy's wand begins to glow, and electrifying sparks shoot out all over, startling all the Star Spirits, then Bowser uses his fire breath to stop the glowing of the rod.)
Narrator text: No, you mustn't do that!!
(Cut to Skolar and Misstar backing up.)
Bowser: Yeah! Now let's try using it!
(The rod begins to glow, and a ripple passes through the stars, making them all fly onto cards hovering around Kammy.)
Narrator text: Stop it! Cut it out, Bowser!! You're changing the story!!
Bowser: Bwa ha ha ha ha... We did it! That was a piece o' cake!! Gwaa ha ha!
(Bowser and Kammy fly to the top off the scenery, as the scene fades to black and to the outside of the sanctuary. Twink passes by.)
Narrator: Now Star Kids may rise to the Star Haven to deliver people's wishes...
...but those wishes will not come true.
Whatever can they do?
(The stage backdrop fades to white, and the game's title card appears.)

Going to Peach's castle

(After the player starts a file, the scene then fades to Mario's house. Parakarry flies down and puts a letter in Mario's mailbox.)
Parakarry: Mail call!
(Parakarry flies off and Luigi comes out of the house to grab the letter inside the mailbox.)
Luigi: Hey, Mario! We got a letter from Princess Peach! (Mario walks into the dining room where Luigi is at.) I'll read it to you, OK? (Opens letter) Alright, let's see...
(Scene cuts to letter with Peach's Castle in the background.)
I'm throwing a party at my castle today!
Mario and Luigi, I would be honored if you both could attend.
Many guests from distant towns are hoping to meet you.
There will be tasty sweets and all kinds of entertainment!
I hope to see you here soon!
Sincerely, Peach
(Mario and Luigi leave their house and take a pipe to Toad Town, then they walk inside to Peach's Castle.)

Peach's Castle

Main lobby

Luigi: What a magnificent castle! I never get used to this place. It looks like lots of guests are already here.
Toad standing on right side of Mario: Mario, you're looking well! Please enjoy the party, OK?
Toad walking around: Wow! I've never seen so many guests from different parts of the world in one place! I'll bet you could hear some stories about places you've never been to, huh?
Toad Guard: Welcome to Peach's Castle!
Green Toad: Hey...urp...Mario! I hope you brought an appetite, there's so much good food here! I already ate too much...I'm taking a breather. Well, that's enough of a rest! I'm hungry again! Let's eat! To the buffet table!!!
Russ T.: Ah! Salutations, Mario! Do you know Frost T. here? He's come all the way from the Shiver region, which lies far to the north of here.
Frost T.: Princess Peach is such a generous and wonderful lady, just as I was told. It was worth coming to visit. Mario, please come visit us in the Shiver region someday!
Green Toad with pigtails: I think Princess Peach has been looking forward to seeing you since this morning, Mario. She's been restless... hee hee hee... How cute...
Pink Toad with pigtails: Oh! Welcome, Mario! The last party was lovely, wasn't it? Oh! By the way, Princess Peach has been waiting for you.
Penguin: Wow... This castle is absolutely breathtaking, don't you think? I wish I could stay at Peach's Castle forever!
Blue Toad Guard: Princess Peach went into her private chambers just now. She must be a bit tired.

Kitchen

Tayce T.: Oh, hello there, Mario! I'm Tayce T. I really love to cook! ❤️
You may not know this, but I cooked all the food for this big party. I made all of my most delicious dishes! ❤️
But... Oh dear... I got so into my cooking that I used up all my ingredients! Now I have to go shopping!
Toad: I've been practicing cooking. I hope that someday I get good enough to cook food as delicious as Tayce T.'s. Do you know how to cook, Mario? You really ought to learn! Personally, I think cooking is exceptionally fun!

Second floor

Minister: Greetings, Mario! I am the Minister of Princess Peach's Castle. It's good to see you here. When you're around, I feel like our kingdom is secure. Yep, our future looks bright!
Dry Dry Outpost Toad: I come from a desert town called Dry Dry Outpost. This castle is really lovely, isn't it? Truly gorgeous. So cool and comfortable... I even got a chance to talk to the beautiful Princess Peach. What an honor! When I return to Dry Dry Outpost, I'm going to tell everyone about it.
Nomadimouse: I'm a Nomadimouse, and I come from Dry Dry Desert. Everyone I've met in this town seems incredibly nice. I think I'll make this place my home away from home.
Yellow Toad with pigtails: Hello, Mario. I am always on the cutting edge of fashion, and I must say...
...your outfit is just fabulous. It really suits you! ❤️
Blue Toad: Well... Today, we have guests from Dry Dry Outpost, the Shiver region, Koopa VIllage... There're so many folks here, I can't keep track of them all. And where might you be from?
Oh... You're Mario?
I... I'm sorry! Excuse me!
Green Toad: Does Princess Peach have a special man in her life? She's such a lovely lady... whoever she loves must be very special indeed...
Toad: Do you know of a place called Shooting Star Summit? It's near this castle. It's such a romantic place... It's definitely the best place for a date. Trust me. Maybe you ought to, you know, ask the princess to go there...
Mayor Penguin: I'm here on behalf of lovely Shiver City. I'm the Mayor there, you know! My goodness, look at the time! I have to go shopping for souvenirs with Frost T.!
Koopa Troopa: I come from Koopa Village, which is just down the road from here. Ohhh.. I just had the honor of talking with Princess Peach! What a wonderful lady she is! ❤️
Green Toad Guard: This is Princess Peach's room. But I'm afraid she isn't in here at the moment.
(Talking to him again.)
Huh? Oh no! Absolutely not! I don't think it's very polite to go into her room without asking her first, Mario!
(Talking to him again.)
I said NO, and that means NO. You are simply not allowed to go in there! (said twice when you talk to him yet again and again.)
Boy, you're persistent! I guess I have no choice... Hurry up in there, though-- and don't touch anything! (The Toad Guard steps aside to let Mario in her room.)
(When Mario exits) How was it? To tell the truth, I've never seen the inside of her room...
(Talking to him after leaving the room) I envy you, Mario...
Regular Toad Guard: I... I'm just a trainee, sir. So many guests... My heart's been beating like a bass drum ever since this morning... Thump thump thump thump...

Stair hallway

Toad: It's nice and quiet here with no guests around. Ahh... so pleasant.
Toad Guard: Princess Peach went into her private chambers just now.
(Mario walk into Peach's "private chambers".)

Bowser Invades

Peach: Oh, Mario! You came to the party to see me! You're so sweet! Thank you!
I was just resting a bit. It gets tiring, greeting all those guests out there! Nobody will bother us here. Shall we relax and chat, just the two of us?
(Mario nods)
It was a lovely day today, so I'm sure it's comfortable out on the balcony right now. Would you accompany me, Mario?
(They start to walk to the right until the scene begins to shake. Fade to outside, and the ground begins to crack and the trees fall. Peach's castle begins to rise, with Bowser's floating castle below it. The scene goes back to the inside with Mario and Peach running in panic. Now Peach's castle was all the way in space.)
Oh! Are you all right, Mario? What in the world was that? (She turns to window) Oh my! Look, Mario! It's still daytime, isn't it?
... But I can see stars outside!
(Bowser and Kammy crash through the window.)
Bowser: Gwaa ha ha ha ha ha! Long time no see, Princess Peach!
Peach: ... Bowser! But this can't be! It was you who made the ground shake just now, wasn't it! Whatever did you do?
Bowser: Gwa ha ha ha! Yeah, that was me! I've lifted your castle up into the sky! It's sitting on my castle now! Weren't expecting that, huh? Ha! This castle's under my control now, my dear! Now you will obey ME!
(Mario runs in front of Peach.)
Huh!? What? It's...Mario!! What a shock!
Ha! Not really! I expected you to turn up, right on cue. You're just as annoying as ever. Unfortunately for you, there's nothing you can do this time.
Peach: Haven't you learned your lesson by now, Bowser? You can never defeat Mario! Why don't you give up already?
Bowser: True, true, I have had my problems in the past... But this time is different! This time I'm gonna win! OK, tough guy! Let's go!

Battle Sequence

(Mario runs into the battle stage.)
Peach: Mario, you can do it!
(3 turns later..)
Bowser: Good old Mario...always fighting. You're a thorn in my side.But today, your pathetic little attacks won't beat me!
(He pulls out the Star Rod.)
Take a look at this! Look what I stole from Star Haven! It's the Star Rod! This fine piece of work has the power to grant any wish in the whole world! And when I use the Star Rod to increase my strength, even you can't beat me, Mario!
(Orange star outlines come to the star tip of the rod, making it shine. Then, Bowser turns rainbow with stars appearing around him.)
Gwa ha ha ha ha ha! How do you like that, Mario?!
(Mario is now in danger. A jump attack is done again on Bowser, but this time he doesn't get hurt.)
Gwa ha ha ha ha ha! Is that all you've got? How sad! You'd best take some vitamins, 'cause that didn't hurt at all!
(Bowser and Mario attack respectively.)
Yup, just as I expected. Mario's no match for the new me. It's not even worth my time to toy with you anymore, Mario. It's time to end this! Here we go, Mario! Good night!
(He uses fire breath on Mario, which maxes his HP out and makes him spin and collapse onto the floor. End of battle.)
Peach: Oh no! Mario! Get up!
Bowser: Yes! Oh, yeah! I did it! I finally did it! I beat my old rival Mario! Yessss!
Kammy: Congratulations on your victory, Your Viciousness! That's why you're the King!
Bowser: As long as I have this Star Rod, everything I wish will come true! No one can stop me now!
Well, well, well... I guess I might as well get rid of Mario. He's no good to anyone now, that's for sure.
(The Star Rod shimmers, then a lightning bolt zaps Mario, sending him out the window and falling.)
Peach: Oh, no! Mario------!!
(Two Koopatrols walk onto the scene as it fades to black. Fade into a starry sky with many multicolored stars. Mario is seen still flying down in the sky, and he flies into a large flying batch of clouds. Fade into a Paper Mario logo.)

Prologue: A Plea from the Stars

(Fade to Mario on the ground in a jungle-like setting. The lighting dims and the seven Star Spirits appear, floating around Mario. Mamar and Kalmar fly down.)
Mamar: Oh, thank heavens! He's been gravely injured, but I think he'll recover.
Kalmar: But Bowser has the Star Rod! Now he's mightier than Mario!
It's Hopeless! All is lost!
Eldstar: Everybody just calm down. As long as we keep it together there's always hope.
Now... Our fates are in Mario's hands. We must try to revive him. Gather round, everyone.
Send Mario your power!
(They all "squirt" their power on Mario)
Phew...that's it. That's all we can do for now. Mario... Please get up... Please...
(The Spirits disappear, and the light shines again. Goombaria then walks onto screen.)
Goombaria: It really sounded like something fell somewhere around here... Oh... Who could that be?
(She walks over to Mario)
This red shirt, this hat, and this mustache... You know, this really looks like the one and only Mario! It couldn't be...could it? The real Mario?
Hey! Hey! Wake up! C'mon!! Up and at 'em!! Oh no! He won't wake up!!! Oh, oh, what am I gonna do!?
(Off screen) Dad!! Goom-pa!! Goom-ba-rio!!!

Goomba Village

(Next scene is the Toad House, where Mario is lying in bed, still unconscious. Eldstar appears.)
Eldstar: Mario... Can you hear me, Mario...? I'm Eldstar, a Star Spirit... I have something very important to tell you... It concerns the princess...and all of the Mushroom Kingdom... But sadly, I haven't the strength to talk to you here... Mario... I need to have you come to Shooting Star Summit.
Please... Mario... We Star Spirits will be waiting for you at the summit...
(He disappears. Just then, the lighting brightens, and Mario hops out of bed looking around. Toad enters.)
Toad: Oh...Mario! I'm so happy to see you awake! You haven't opened your eyes for days and days! Everyone's been worried sick!
This place? This is Goomba Village. It's a tiny Village that's just west of Toad Town. The only residents are me and a single family of Goombas.
The Goombas in the family are just the the nicest folks you'll ever meet. They're the ones who found you unconscious in the forest and carried you here to get better.
Huh...? A Star with a mustache? You're saying a star told you to go to Shooting Star Summit?
(Nod)
No, I saw nothing like that. And I sure didn't see anyone come in or out of this house. I wonder, Mario... Maybe you just had a dream?
Although maybe not... It could have been some sort of message from a Star Spirit. They live in Star Haven. Shooting Star Summit is the nearest place to Star Haven, so that would make sense... Who knows?
In any case, I'm glad to see you've recovered. I know the Goombas would be happy if you paid them a visit.
(Talking to him again)
Please feel free to come here anytime you feel tired. A good nap will work wonders when you're feeling weak.

[m] ¯_(ツ)_/¯

PROLOGUE

The druid pulled his coat tight as he pushed his way up the last two steps to the heart of the world. The wind beat around him, strong and cold, and without mercy. The air was thin and with every breath he took, the harder he had to compete for his next breath. His knees ached and his legs screamed in pain, and with every step he took that pain got greater until he felt he could no longer stand. The way of the druid was a difficult path, but one of worth. He had been chosen for this pilgrimage, and he would see it out until the very end.
The last step was the worst. He stepped onto a snowy platform where the wind was merciless and the cold bit into his skin. With every breath, a sharp mist rose into the air, mixing with the torrents of wind until it too had disappeared from sight. He hadn’t expected it to be a blizzard at the peak of the mountain, but he had seen many things in his life that were astonishing. He had seen years beyond count, had weathered a dozen winters and helped a thousand women deliver their children into the world. He had seen boys become men and those very same men return to the ground from whence the Stoneborn were wrought.
The time of the turn had come again. Winter into spring, and spring into summer. The people cried out for summer and the warmth it brought. They cried to the heavens for salvation when they should’ve instead been looking to the Gods to answer their plight. They lack faith, the druid reminded himself, and for their lack of faith I have been chosen.
His blood for his people. He would give it willingly, as so many had before. From his blood should the Gods bring back a new spring into the world, so that green things may grow and that the land bring forth lambs. The unicorns would prance and the bears would roam the wilderness again, tending to their offspring. The men would come forth from their caves and plant the seeds of new life on the fields of the Two Valleys. Wars would be forgotten and feuds would fade – not unlike the snows.
And it was all because of him. A druid’s life was spent being humble, a servant of all without care of bias for faction or war. They tended to the sick and injured, brought forth children and watched over sacrifices as men willingly put themselves before the Gods. They presided over weddings, and made sure that fruit may grow afterward. They loved animals, tended them and watched over them. And most of all, they were the Gods servants.
Now he came before them. He was proud of himself for making this climb, and proud at himself for making this journey willingly. He had gone alone, as was his wont, and with only the Gods to bear witness. Upon the small platform at the peak of the world, the druid smiled. Before him was one of the largest Heart Trees in all of Skagos. Its face was weary, and red sap leaked from the edges of its mouth and eyes. The red leaves it bore were rattling, and some had fallen. The price the wind exacted, he suspected.
This Heart Tree had spent the winter alone, drenched in snow until the spring had come. And even though spring had come, the winter still raged on the southern tip of Skagos. He could feel the God’s eyes on him, judging him as he stepped forth. “Am I truly the only one?” The druid asked, his voice rent with the pain of age. “Have the people lost their faith so? If it is true, then I humbly offer myself before the Tree.”
The druid paused briefly, and slowly undid the horse-string ties around his coat. It fell, and pooled at his feet, covered in snow. Then he reached down and undid the ties to his boots, and stepped out of them. He numbed himself to the pain and shock of the icy cold pinpricks dotting his skin. Last, he pulled off his gloves and undershirt. Perhaps someone would make use of them in time.
Breaths heavy, the naked druid stepped forward, wading through more than a foot of snow until he was before the Heart Tree. Then he knelt, burying himself in the snow. His hands reached forward, and pressed to the oak of the tree. “See me now,” he called to the Gods, tilting his head back so he stared at the grey sky. “Humble servant, humble man, humble father. See me now, Gods of the tree, and bear heed to a man’s plea. We have suffered wars and plagues and attrition in winters cruel enough to see any man dead. Heed my plea. Bring forth the wind so that the snow might be swept away and that green things may grow. Sing to the land so that it bring forth lambs. Make our men strong and our women stronger, and grant our children wisdom for the winters to come! Hear me! Hear and bear my plea an answer, so that the people might live without snow and pain and death!”
Just then, the druid reached for something. He found purchase on the hilt of a knife, placed there months before. It had rusted, but it did not matter. The blade was sharp upon his fingertips. He started by slicing himself upon the palm, watching as blood oozed between his fingers. Then he sliced his arms, and groaned at the pain. Before he could know it, the druid had placed the bloodied knife at his neck, and without hesitation, he sliced, and allowed himself to feel as the cold iron bit home. Something akin to darkness followed, and all he could feel was gone within a flash.
In the coming months, whether it had been by sacrifice or luck, a wind began upon the slopes of the Mountain of Mountains. It was a warm wind, fierce and strong as a winter wind, but soothing all the same. Down the slopes of the mountain it rushed, onto plains covered with snow. It dashed through the valley like something as lifeless as it could, before reaching the coast. Battered old huts creaked and groaned under the strength of the wind, and even children basked in its awe. It made its way to El Skagos, rushing over the terrible and treacherous Seal Straights. It ducked and dove between forests and ruined plains, over where the druids made their home. The stone of Kinghouse rattled and groaned underneath the strength of the wind, before pulling back again.
Throughout all of Skagos it went, over Skane, an area a thousand years uninhabited, before eventually fading as all things must. With it it brought the heat of spring and a glimpse of sun. Those who had dreamed of spring finally saw a reality, and all was well on Skagos.
For a time, at least.
Sora Stane tugged her coat closer as wind battered the tent. “Are you sure this is so sturdy?” She found herself asking, a thought that had breached onto her lips. “This is makeshift, and do not wished to be drenched by rain.”
“Worry not, love,” said Grady, a stocky young man just growing in his beard. “I built this last winter.”
“We should have gone to the caves,” inserted Bjornhald, frowning a great deal. Around his burly white beard, Sora could barely make out the curve of his lips. “The caves are safer.”
“Rain won’t harm you,” Grady said, pursing his lips. He wasn’t a particularly handsome man, though if any man could truly be called handsome on Skagos, it would be quite the time indeed. She had once seen a mainlander boy, and had nearly fallen over for how handsome he was. Since then, her observations had been skewed. Still, he had a square jaw and was just growing in his beard, a thick mane of char black hair and big eyes of grey. He was skinny but not too skinny, and he wore thick woolens that covered any undesirable parts of him. “In fact, I’d say the rain is a blessing. The Gods have granted us spring. What is there to not be happy about?”
“When I was young,” Bjornhald explained, finally taking his seat. “Winter was all we had. The long winter, they call it, but you younglings don’t know anything about winter. This last one lasted three years. One of mine lasted seven.” He held up a hand, as if to prove his point. “I lost three fingers during it, because the snow got to me. It got to everyone. There were sick people too… and…”
That would go unspoken for now. “That was what brought about the first civil war,” Sora said mildly. It was a topic she had little knowledge in, save that House Stane and Magnar had been at odds with one another for centuries before. “The cannibalism.”
“Aye, and I fought on the losing side. I gave it up. But we’ve become weak in doing so. The flesh is weak.”
“What has this to do with the coming of spring, Bjornhald?” Brandol asked curiously from besides Sora. The young druid had his eyes opened, solidly fixed on the older man. “The lack of faith has made us weaker. We pray before the Gods instead of offer ourselves. We tend the fields instead of doing what is necessary to keep our people alive.” No matter what anyone said, Brandol disturbed Sora. He spoke so matter-of-factly he might’ve just been speaking of last morning’s breakfast, or the recent bet he had won upon a card game. He was smooth and to the point, and that was what made her fear him.
“We’ve been soft ever since the Builder came,” Bjornhald pleaded. “We were freer before shepup came.”
Sora raised a brow. “The Skagosi fought alongside the Lord Rickon. We put our unicorns on land for the first time in centuries.”
“Exactly my point,” Bjornhald said. “The days before the Wolf were better. We could have been better. The Stoneborn will always be better.” He stood, then, and pushed open the makeshift tent-flaps. Brandol made to stand, but Sora stopped him with a hand placed upon his knee. Grady raised an eyebrow.
“Let him calm,” Sora said. “He once fought for House Magnar. And he…”
Grady nodded solemnly, finishing for her. “He remembers times before then. But these are the new times, and we aren’t cannibals or freaks, are we? The Northmen call us Skaggs because they hate us. They don’t know half the truth of it. In a way, Bjornhald is right. We have become weaker by allowing the Wolves to rule over us. We are weak because of that. Not because of cannibalism or lost faith. I love the Gods.”
“And the Northmen,” replied Brandol smoothly, “despise the Gods. They wed with the heretics of the south and consummate marriage in comfort. They hold girls to chastity and allow them not an inch to fight back. I hear their men are strong, but not are so strong as Stone.”
Grady smiled. “So it is their fault.”
“In part,” Sora said with a long sigh. “But the fault lies within the heart. If we do not allow ourselves to become strong, we will never be strong. We feign weakness because it is what the druids think we are. We have it within us to be strong. We only forget that being strong isn’t just about muscles.”
That was the way of the Skagosi – Stoneborn. The way of war had been their practice for centuries, and now that there hadn’t been a war in almost twenty-five years everyone was blaming their woes upon the Stoneborn’s supposed weakness. No, it was not weakness. Sora was certain of that. It was that they no longer had something else to blame the omens on.
Strength before weakness, she remembered those words perfectly, spoken before a Heart Tree during her first moon’s blood. Life before death. The life of a Stoneborn was supposed to be fulfilling, whether the life be the vessel of man or woman. Everyone was made to hold their weight, and if they couldn’t, they were shunned and thrown away. Some had become Night’s Watchmen, but most gave their lives to the sea upon the raft of which they had been given. Sora had her uses, as did Grady, Bjornhald and Brandol, whether it be as druid, smith, or miner. No matter what, each of them had their place.
Standing, Sora bid the other two outside. “The rain’s died down,” she told them, not doubting that they already knew. The wind had all but gone, leaving their surroundings peaceful. “Mayhaps we will glance some sun today.” Making forward, she pushed open the tent flaps with both her hands and looked to the ground. Muddy, as she had suspected, and the air smelled of fresh rain. Shafts of sunlight peaked through the canopy of trees above, dotting her pale skin with little motes of vibrancies. Best of all, she could feel the heat of it. It was glorious. A smile bloomed on her lips, reminding her of the awkward scars she had on her cheek, but she forced the feeling away for the time.
Dashing forward, it was all she could do not to sprint to the clearing. Bjornhald would be there, no doubt. Pushing her way between groups of tightly-packed trees and shrubbery, her feet digging deep into the muddy soil underneath her, Sora remembered a time before winter where she had once challenged her brothers to a race through all of Skagos. It had taken a few weeks to complete, but the race had been one of the most fun points in her life. That, and when she had tamed Ryshad. This all reminded her distinctly of that, and suddenly a new thought bloomed in her mind.
She was out into the clearing before long, though, with Brandol and Grady following close behind. They looked to be panting, by the sidelong glance she gave them, but paid it little head. Her own chest was rising and falling quicker than she had imagined it would. I need to run more, she thought, tossing it out of her mind that moment it had slithered across the surface of her thoughts. What mattered was the clearing. Dirty and covered in rocks, the clearing was not beautiful. Sticks of grass occasionally popped out from between rocks, where moss had grown over them. Patches of snow were still here or there, in their last moments before melting. Her boots sank into the ground, soaked through, so she made sure to step on the rocks to avoid sinking any further.
Bjornhald was there, at the center of the clearing, kneeling. He had his hands outstretched, and was smiling. For a man who seemed so adamant to have winter back, he certainly was enjoying the sun. Only then did Sora notice that it was touching her as well, and when she cast her gaze to the skies she saw it, cloudless and blue, for the first time in over half a decade. Her mouth watched, and she forced out a laugh. “Gods,” she said. “It’s the will of the Gods.”
“Spring has finally come,” muttered Brandol at the edge of her hearing. “The rains have stopped. We are blessed.”
“We can go home!” Grady exclaimed cheerfully, coming to stop beside Sora. “We can go home.”
Home. It seemed so far and long away now. Driftwood Hall was on the mainland Skagos, and they were on Heart Rock, the smallest of the three still inhabited islands. Sora hadn’t been able to get home before the winter snows had set in, and had been forced to weather it with these three men in Clan First-Thaw’s caves. They had almost starved three times, and were it not for the timely fishing Brandon First-Thaw had done in the midst of winter, they just might have. What mattered was that they had survived, and were none the less for wear. But the thought of home… She swallowed. To see her brothers again, after so long?
They must have changed so much…
A pause. Grady licked his lips. “Looking forward to getting back to Driftwood Hall, Sora?”
“Yes,” she replied immediately, but her knees felt weary. “Before we can go, we must visit Lord Crawl.”
“Must we? Don’t sound so grave, Sora. He’s just a lord.”
She rounded on him. “And who am I?”
“And who am I to give a flyin’ fuck?” He reached up and fondly patted her on the shoulders. “You are who you are, Sora. No amount of prestige or namesake can change that. You’re no god. We don’t have to visit him because we can get passage to the mainland Skagos whenever we want. I presume you mean to ask him for a boat?”
The budding fury that had been crawling upon the surface of her emotions for a short time faded, and she smiled. “I mean to ask him for a feast,” she said proudly. “And who are you to give a ‘flyin’ fuck’ if there’s girls involved?” She had seen the way he looked at her sometimes, and he was fascinated with more than just the meat on her bones. It was a matter of tension between them. Sora had never really looked back – after all, Grady was pretty at best in her eyes. “Maybe you’ll steal away some baron’s daughter.”
Grady pressed his lips together and gave a “humph,” stepping forward. “Bjornhald, you old sot! We better be off before night comes. I’m not making us another tent so we can go about lollygagging.”
Bjornhald did not turn. His gaze was still towards the sky. “Where do we go?”
“Deepdown,” Brandol said for Grady – which earned him a pointed frown from the offended party. “I must meet with the fellows of my sect, and discuss preparations for the coming summer.”
“And what are those, druid?” Bjornhald asked. “Your preparations?”
“It does not matter,” Brandol said calmly. “If you wished to know, you would have become one of us.”
Finally the old man’s face turned. He had a thousand lines on his forehead, and his eyes gave the impression of great age, and great wisdom. Sora knew him for the man he was, but elders were treasured oft more than the oldest family heirloom. “I see,” he said, just as calmly, “and I should not pry. Forgive me, druid.”
“Worry not, Bjornhald,” Brandol said smoothly. “We but wish for the Stoneborn to be happy and content. That is our goal.”
Bjornhald only nodded.
“Anyway,” Grady said. “Let’s be off. Come on, grand pa, and perhaps we’ll be in Deepdown by morn.”
“Oh, the forest isn’t that thick,” Bjornhald said. “We’ll be in the valley before sunset. We might even get there before the sun is at its zenith. You’ll see.” He smiled wide, his teeth a deep shade of yellow, then stood, and slapped his thighs. “These need a workin’ anyway. Let’s get going.”
Brandol oddly smiled. Druids did not enjoy when one pried of their personal meetings, and despite his demeanor he seemed excited to be reunited with his brethren after such a long winter. Sora didn’t blame him. She, after all, had been without her brothers – or any family at all, before the winter hit. Five years without them had seemed like such a long time, but now in retrospect it seemed like barely the flash of a heartbeat.
They began slowly at first, at a steady pace that everyone was comfortable with. Vanishing into the forest, where the world seemed to grow dimmer and darker, Sora made sure to check the ground for any animal prints before continuing. The rain had muddied the tracks, however, so it was difficult to tell without a keen eye. Everywhere she looked, thick old roots jutted out of the ground, so she had to make sure not to step on those either. There were plants as well, some that had survived the winter and long season of rains. There were bushes with berries on them, poisonous, and some were actually quite tasteful, but she did her best to keep away from them. Nothing like misinterpreting what a berry was and lying sick for the next three weeks.
They walked for some time. Sora couldn’t tell how much time had passed, but they spoke until they were parched and their knees ached, and then they continued some more. It was when the sun was passing just beyond the western mountains when they finally emerged from the forest, covered boot-high in mud. Sora felt dirty; mud and sweat had made her furs stick to her – and worse, smell. The same might’ve been said for the rest, however, and no one paid it any mind, until they came across a river.
Nestled in the middle of the valley had been a freshwater stream once, and during the summer years children came to play in the pools that oft formed around the nooks and crannies the water diverged from. In the early spring, that stream turned into a river, and practically covered easily a good hundredth of the valley’s width. They heard it before they saw it, of course, and previously calm and unspeaking faces lit up as the familiar smell of fresh water entered their system. Bjornhald practically lept to his feet. “It’s been a long time since I’ve tasted glacier water,” he admitted, and that went the same for the rest of them. Following the old gruff man through a thicket of tightly-packed trees, they arrived at the river bank, an n area made risen by previous floods.
“Be careful,” Brandol said, hands clasped before him. “That torrent will suck you up and kill you before you could scream for your ancestor’s mercy.”
It was true. The river was raging, white rapids falling over white rapids that would no doubt caused death within a minute if it didn’t kill you instantly. Luckily, the sides of the river were calmer, and Bjornhald reached down to scoop up some of the fresh water in his hand, drinking it in quick slurps. Oddly, Sora’s mind drifted to other matters – to what Brandol had said. To die like that – throwing yourself into a river, or worse, being caught in it, was most dishonorable. No Stoneborn man or woman ever died in his bed, unless it was the women who died during birth.
An odd thought. A sorrowful one as well. Her uncle had drowned.
“Be careful,” she said firmly. “Please.”
“Eh?” Bjornhald said with a laugh. “Worry not, child. I’m not as mad as your lord uncle.”
Sora bit her lip, and turned her eyes to Grady. The man clung to a tree nearby, watching the water go by with wide eyes. “Gods,” he said, sounding astonished. “I’ve never seen a river so big in my whole life. Even the sea isn’t as strong as this. Can you feel it, Sora?”
She could. The rush of water and wind spraying against her face, cooling her down. The overwhelming scent of pure glacier water. It was all she could do not to bend over with Bjornhald and drink it. Her mother had once cautioned restraint, though, and luckily she was not any of her brothers. Surely, if placed in this very situation they would be betting on who would get across first. The men she remembered had been foolhardy boys. Hopefully they had changed – that much, at least, she could hope for.
When Bjornhald was done drinking, he waved Grady over. “Come on, then!” He made a gesture towards the man, one of daring, with his thumb extended, and his two end fingers as well, middle and index folded to his palm. “Are you a coward?”
“Hardly,” Grady said. “I don’t wanna die and shame my ma and da. You know how it is.”
“Oh, aye,” Bjornhald said. “And I’ve a ma and da too, you fool. They’re dead now, but sure as the Gods themselves to hear me should I fall in the river- well, come on now! I don’t have all day.”
“It’s getting late,” Sora warned, crossing her arms beneath her breasts with a sigh. “Bjornhald, you-“
“Oh shush, child,” Bjornhald said dismissively. “You a coward, boy?” To Grady.
“Aye,” he said. Sora swallowed. “We’re all cowards. I’m not going to go and do something that might well get me killed in the most dishonorable way possible. It would be like joining the crows of Castle Black or throwing myself on my knees before Lord Stark and beggin’ for mercy for some crime I didn’t commit. I’d rather slit my throat before the Gods than do that. Get up, you old man, and let’s get going.”
Bjornhald’s face could’ve been stone. Then he rose from his knees, slapped his thighs and buckled out a laugh. “Aye, you’re right. Nothin’ more dishonorable than that. Now come, before nightfall. We should set up camp soon.”
And along they were again, following the riverside but not too closely, for fear that it might rain again. It wasn’t long – perhaps an hour’s walk – before they emerged into a clearing of nothing but grass and land for miles, the thicket of trees suddenly coming to abrupt stop. The sky above was rich and full budding stars, and the sun had disappeared over the mountains of the horizon. With night came cold, and a wind blew fiercely down the valley, biting through clothes and making her wish she had brought something to cover her face.
The valley they were in was one of the twelve valleys of Skagos as a whole, and on either side of them a small range of unsurpassable mountains dominated their sight. In front of them, stretching for some time before encountering forest again, was a small plateau of rolling hills and imperfect rock patterns. Peppered over the landscape were more than a few Weirwood Trees, each of them smaller and large than the next. Their faces were indistinguishable at this distance, but Sora knew that each of them had different details that marked each one unique. “The Children did their work well,” Sora murmured, muttering a word of prayer to the Gods.
“What’s that?” Asked Grady from beside her. He looked weary, and she didn’t blame him. “I couldn’t hear what you said.”
“It’s of no matter,” Sora said, and stepped forward onto the bumpy surface of the valley floor. To the side, some hundred or more feet, the river raged, but considerably less so than before. In comparison it might’ve been a flowing river to a gushing torrent, but it was still all she could hear over the sounds of night. “We should stop for the night.”
“Should we?” Bjornhald said, slapping his thigh. “I can go all night.”
From the side, Brandol blinked. “We must keep our wits about us. There are bears and worse.”
“I’ve fought a bear before.” Bjornhald smiled, his shaggy white beard trembling. “And I’ve lived to tell the tale.”
“No doubt,” Grady said, sounding unimpressed. He stepped forward, pointing towards the end of the valley. It was not visible, but if Sora knew her geography right, it would be no more than a day of straight walking until they reached the coast. And then they would be able to follow it to Deepdown. “But we need heat. Who would be a fool to deny himself heat? You?”
Sora sniffed. If these men were going to go at it again, she would box their ears so soundly they would go home weeping on their mother’s graves. “Build a fucking fire,” she found herself saying, a tad more forcefully than she had anticipated. “We can sleep here and you can go if you want, Bjornhald.”
Sternly, his gaze fixed on her. His dark eyes were narrow, and studying her from afar. Sora held her ground. “I’ve lived a dozen winters,” he muttered, “but since you all seem so stubborn as to want a fire to warm your weary heart, then fine. I will wait.”
Snorting, Grady clapped his hands together. “Well then,” he began, and, turning to Brandol, smiled. “I’ll be off then. I’ll be back in a quarter hour.”
Luckily, Grady held true to his word. When he returned he was carrying a bundle of sticks to start a fire. In her own small pouch she had a pair of flint and steel, and when she knelt before the bundle it took a good half-hundred tries before she had gotten a spark. Another hundred and the flames truly began, her wrist sore. They had found a small rock outcropping to the side of the valley that looked to vaguely resemble some ancient stone hut, and took shelter there. When the fire was blazing and the stars and moon high in the sky, Bjornhald took to sitting at the edge of camp.
“I may go hunt,” he said. “We have hardly enough food for two more days. The rivers lack for fish, so I might try some deer.”
“Or a bear,” Grady said, half-tired. The man was slumping against some brittle old stone, his head resting against the small satchel he brought with him. “Bring is some bear meat, and Lord Crawl might herald you as the next coming of Haraldon Three-Spears.”
Bjornhald barked a laugh. “No, I am no Three-Spears. I am too old to be him, anyway.”
“You never know.”
“Aye, you never know.”
Sora briefly recalled a tale in her youth about Haraldon. He had been the legendary Stoneborn who had first united the Skagosi after thousands of years of internal strife. His last great achievement had been conquering Skane, and when he rode from the wilderness there, he was astride a massive white bear. Word said that he rode the bear until his death, and even slept upon its mane. He took his baths when his bear took baths. Some tales named him insane, but others named him hero. She didn’t know what to believe. Half of it seemed make-up, the story of legends and myths, but the other half had truth to it. Haraldon had been the first Magnar of Skagos, and from him had emerged the three dominating houses of the Isles;
Magnar, from his first son,
Stane, from his second,
And Crawl, from his daughter, beautiful as the sky.
Magnar had ruled the Isles for thousands of years, as was Haraldon’s writ, but when the first wolf came and with him the birth of a new clan, things had changed. Men had revolted against the old ways. Women had sworn their sons to fight so long as they lived. It was when House Stane rose up, that Crawl did as well, and when it was over House Stane ruled as Lords of the Isles, and the Magnars has been brutally oppressed.
Sora sucked in a breath. She didn’t like thinking of such things. But she could not help it. The first Cannibal Wars had been one of the most brutal and taxing wars of their time.
It took hardly a moment for Sora to realize that, caught up in her thoughts as she was, she had rested and closed her eyes. All she could hear were faint yawns and the crackles of fire, and most of all, the cold seeping into her skin.
She woke a few hours later under the light of morning sun. Her eyes felt weary, but her bones ached and demanded that she move. With a grunt, as sour as the feeling that had produced it, Sora forced herself up and gazed around the camp. Bjornhald had returned, and had stoked the fire while asleep. Brandol and Grady were still sleeping, clutching their wools and furs close to them. The oldest of the three sat around the fire, on a small boulder he had no doubt hauled over. Between his teeth was a thick hunk of meat.
“What did you find?” Sora asked drowsily, wiping at her eyes. “Hunt, I mean.”
“Caught myself a deer,” Bjornhald exclaimed in between bites. “Want some?”
Suddenly Sora’s stomach was rumbling. “Yes.”
They ate by the fire for little more than a half-hour before Grady pulled himself from his slumber. Brandol followed less than an hour later, and by then, the sun was already high in the sky, and there were few clouds. The cold of night turned into heat, and as they began again on their journey, Sora noticed that morning dew had coalesced upon some of the budding plants. Few poked out from the ground this time of year, and those that did thrived in the cold morning temperatures and especially during storms. Others were already out – herbs for medicines, and what not. Brandol stopped them no more than three times along their journey to harvest, and when he did he made them wait until it seemed the sun had already spun three times around the world.
“Come on,” Sora said firmly, once Brandol had stopped them again. “We need to get there before bloody midnight.”
“True,” Grady added. “I’d rather race there than be about with this.”
Bjornhald turned suddenly. Sora realized then that he had been staring off at some distant object, but now he seemed less distracted. “Race, eh?” He seemed quite excited at the prospect. “Now it would be a right pleasure to do that, wouldn’t it, Grady?”
Grady shrugged. “You sure you can handle yourself in the woods alone, old man?”
Bjornhald slapped his thigh. “Of course I am! It’s you, I worry for. Sora? No. Brandol? No. He’d probably find a way to use his old mushrooms to poison anything that might come after him.”
Brandol was kneeling by a patch of plants nearby, frowning. “That is not possible,” he said softly, “not yet, anyway. The druids do not have magical abilities as you seem to think. We cannot erupt fissures in the ground, and we cannot bend the forces of nature to our will. We serve the Gods, and only them. Sometimes one of our number is blessed to see into the eyes of animals. But not what you speak of.”
Sora frowned, turning away. “We know, we was just playing at you, druid.”
“Ah,” Brandol said. “Well, if it is a race you wish, I would not be adverse.”
“Adverse?” Grady said, sounding confused. “What does that mean?”
Sora chuckled. “It’s a mainlander word – Westeros word. I don’t know much of what it means either, but I think he means he won’t oppose you.”
Brandol nodded. “That is correct, yes.”
“Well?” Bjornhald said. “A race, then? First to Deepdown wins?”
“What are we playing for?”
“Whoever buys the ale,” Bjornhald said with a smile, pointing at Grady. “I’ll bet an extra keg that Grady loses.”
“Oh, bugger off, old man,” Grady said, folding his arms over his chest. “I’ll take you up on that, and when I win you’ll be sorry.”
“Sorry?” Bjornhald slapped his thigh. Again. “We’ll see, and meet at the tavern. Brandol, you may be a little late, lad, and I think it’d be best if you stopped your harvesting now. I’m off.” He started walking, and quite quickly in the opposite direction. Grady cursed. Sora smiled. It was going to be a long walk, and no one – not even the old bear – had the stamina to sprint the whole way. That being said, of course, Grady started off at a sprint. He didn’t exact follow Bjornhald, and made it so that he wasn’t too close to the man. Before long, they would lose each other in a sea of forest, and hopefully, every single one of them would live.
“I’m off as well,” Sora said, and stamped her boots into the ground, starting off at a jog.
“Goodbye,” she heard Brandol mutter, but anything else he said would’ve been out of earshot. Grady and Bjornhald had a good head start, but Sora knew these woods better than anyone else. She knew her path. Before long – only a few minutes of dedicated jogging – Sora felt sweat bead on her forehead. Ahead of her was another expanse of forest, dominated by fir and ironwood and weirwood trees. She felt the air grow cooler around her as she got closer, and her boots sank further and further into mud. By the time she was at the tree line, her boots were already suitably muddy.
These woods were the smallest in all of Skagos, and the least dangerous as well. Here, upon the smallest island – Heart Rock – there were few hints of wildlife after long winters, and a few centuries ago unicorns had all been eradicated from the island. She remembered Bjornhald and his catch from earlier in the day, and just how rare it had been that he had been able to trap and find one in such a short time. That deer would feed her until she was at Deepdown, she was certain – even if she had to spend an extra night.
Sora felt at home here, in the forest. Alone as she was, she was free to wander and feel and touch the things she hadn’t before. Finding weirwoods wasn’t particularly hard either, and when she found one with a face of mourning, with red sap leaking from its eyes, she bent to touch the weirwood, and felt a cold rush over her – a shiver. She didn’t know if it was the Gods or not, but she prayed to them anyway. As was her due. Every time she got this close to a Heart Tree, she had to kneel and pray before it.
Who wouldn’t?
A smile of fondness crossed her lips. The Gods had given her strength to survive storms and winters before. Perhaps they would give her the strength to survive the next, and the next after that, until she had seen great grandchildren grow to be great warriors? She paused at the thought of that, though, and considered briefly. She had taken a lover, once, who was now happily wedded, and she had never truly thought of taking another until now. At her age – twenty and three, she would be suitable for any man of Skagos. Sometimes, Grady looked at her in that lewd way of his, but he had never truly advanced on her, and she was not sure if she would even reciprocate his feelings. She didn’t much like beards on men, after all, and the Stoneborn loved beards.
“I wish for a husband,” she found herself saying before the Weirwood, “that has not a beard. A man who is fierce and will take what it his. A man like me.” She was no man, but there had to be others akin to her in the isles, wouldn’t there? Perhaps she hadn’t found the right one yet, or… or perhaps she wouldn’t find one. Somehow the thought of living alone until she died was the worst thing – worse than thinking of cannibalism. She would have a husband one day.
She would bring strong children into the world. As strong as her and her brothers and her father and mother.
Luckily only a few minutes had passed between the moment she knelt before the tree and now, and when she stood she broke off in a sprint. She wasn’t fast by any means – her brothers always beat her in such bets, but her stamina was what kept her going. In the distance she could still make out the rushing of the river, but she ignored it as best she could. It meant she was going on the right track, at least.
Her plan was simple: Follow the river to the coast. Once she was there she would be able to follow the coast back to Deepdown, which wasn’t far from the opening. Unfortunately, what was bad was the coast, and the reason few came to trade with the Stoneborn. Basalt dominated the shoreline, and it was always cold and dreary no matter what time of the year. Deepdown was the only port on Heart Rock, so merchants had to dare the seas or let the Stoneborn take over their ships for the journey – which wasn’t something many were ready to do. No matter how skilled at navigating the Isles the people of Stone were, merchants always found an excuse to say no.
When Madragaralen Crowl had been born into house Crowl less than a century ago,, many things had changed and not only the Stoneborn’s perspective. They were not a cannibalistic people – at least, not to the extent that the mainlanders believed. Before the Cannibal Wars there was only one precedent that taught cannibalism would be just: In the middle of winter, when starving and there is no other option. And a century and more before that, some had feasted openly upon human flesh. Some.
It was the matter of the nature of the islands. As sparse as it was, wildlife always returned after a time, but without meat many simply went mad. She remembered the stories of the Feast of Skane, one of the most terrible moments in her people’s history. She… she couldn’t think of it – no, she wouldn’t. Her people had changed.
But the wounds still remained.

First off, I’m really glad that most of you enjoyed the last post that I made on Super Bowl XXV’s halftime show. As frustrating as it was to watch that show multiple times, it was one of my favorite things that I’ve ever written for Reddit (and I hope that my frustration of how bad the show was, especially at the midway point where the kid sings solo, showed). The good news is that this series is going to start picking up, and I’ll finally be able to review halftime shows that are legitimately good. Why? Because this was the halftime show that forced the league to finally do something.
We’re at the final halftime show of the Transition Era, which was the era where you saw signs of what the halftime show could be, but there was still an element of cheesiness holding it back. After this, we enter the fourth era of seven in halftime show history (I finally mapped it all out), which I’ll refer to as the Emergence Era (Super Bowls XXVII-XXX). In this era, the halftime show finally was taken seriously, and you actually start getting A-list artists doing the entire show. The halftime show emerged as a marquee event and a critical part of the Super Bowl.
But, we’re not quite there yet. With this one at Super Bowl XXVI, we’ve got a combination of Winter Magic, a salute to the athletes at the 1992 Winter Olympics, figure skating, and a performance by… Gloria Estefan (because nothing screams winter like the lead singer of the Miami Sound Machine). What happened with this show that forced the league to finally do something about their Super Bowl halftime show? Let’s dive right in (note that this another one of those 6,000 word reviews, mainly because I’m covering not one, but two halftime shows here; you’ll see what I mean as you keep on reading).
Background Information
By this point, everyone knew that the halftime show was a joke. Very few people actually enjoyed watching the Super Bowl halftime show. It was nothing more than a glorified bathroom break. This was exemplified with Super Bowl XXV, when the halftime show didn’t air until 10:40 PM that night because of a special ABC News report being aired in its place. However, as someone that sat through that halftime show and thinks that it’s the worst halftime show of all-time (for a variety of reasons that you can find in my 6,000-word review linked at the end), it’s not like anything of value was lost.
That’s when FOX had an idea. At the time, FOX did not have the rights to any NFL games, and didn’t really have a claim to fame for anything outside of “The Simpsons.” They decided to air counter-programming against the Super Bowl XXVI halftime show with a live episode of “In Living Color,” which was the first ever instance of Super Bowl counter-programming. I’ll dive more into that in a later portion of this review, because the significance of what FOX did is, in all seriousness, one of the most impactful moments in Super Bowl history. Without FOX’s decision and the aftermath of it, the Super Bowl would not be the media giant that it is today.
Regarding this particular halftime show, the theme for this one was “Winter Magic,” which is an appropriate theme, seeing how the game was being played in Minnesota. It was also a salute to the athletes of the 1992 Winter Olympics, which would make more sense if the games were being held in Minnesota or the United States (but they were held in Albertville, France, so why they felt the need to do this, I have no idea). And, I found quite a few things on the history of this halftime show, even completely disregarding the aftermath.
For one, even though the main point of this article by Sports Illustrated focuses on Super Bowl XXXVIII, it does mention the importance of the Super Bowl XXVI halftime show in terms of shaping the Super Bowl. It just came out today, believe it or not (perfect timing), and it’s a good read if you want to take a look at it. Number two, the performance was produced by Timberline Productions. This was their first crack at the halftime show, and boy, did it show. This was an article from 12/5/91 on the halftime show, where spokesman Ken Gurnick actually states that the Timberline producers don’t know much about winter. Interestingly enough, it seems like the halftime show was just a money grab for the NFL at the time, because it mentions in the article that Timberline won the bidding war for the rights to the halftime show. Was it really just about who could throw the most money at the league, and did it really just disregard the entertainment portion entirely? Interesting.
Also, with Timberline Productions, this isn’t like Disney or Radio City where they are an established production company. There’s no Wikipedia page for this company, they don’t seem to have a Facebook page (there’s nothing on it, and it has all of five likes), they don’t have a website, and interestingly enough, the address of the company is Phoenix, Arizona. I’m willing to bet that this production company threw so much money at the Super Bowl halftime show that they weren’t able to stay in business afterwards, because I see no signs that this company exists today. All of this sounds like the makings of a disaster, but how does the halftime show in actuality hold up?
The Show
Full Show
Before continuing, I should point out that this is not the full show, but you’re not missing much by me not putting that in. There’s a video that has the complete show, but it’s broken up into part one and part two. However, part one and part two are exactly the same. The only difference is that part one has the addition of a speech by commissioner Paul Tagliabue, while part two has credits after the show. You’re not missing anything by not having the speech in, and you’re not missing anything with the credits. If you really want to hear the speech and see the credits, then you can look up part one and part two on YouTube. With that said, let’s get into the halftime show.
As it cuts to the field, you can already see a noticeable improvement from the Super Bowl XXV halftime show. The card stunts in this halftime show are actually very good, and they serve a purpose. Whether it’s the initial one of the snowflakes in the stands or the one later of the Olympic rings with the torches, the card stunts contain interesting designs, and they enhance the backgrounds of the show. There’s a scene in this halftime show where you can see the scoreboard and you can see writing on the scoreboard that says “Cards Down,” and I’ve got no problem with that. That’s how you engage the crowd in a card stunt without getting on the PA system and interrupting the flow of the show.
Unfortunately, that’s one of the few positive things that I can say about this halftime show. For one, the set design doesn’t make sense. If you’re saluting Minnesota and the Winter Olympics, then why do you have a Statue of Liberty head as the centerpiece of the show? I’ll talk more about that later when the head of the Statue of Liberty becomes more visible (because it gets even creepier), but that’s a set choice that doesn’t make too much sense. There’s an introduction where two people pretty much advertise Minnesota, and how winter is the hottest time of the year. Thirty seconds in, and it feels more like a tourist commercial for Minnesota, even though you have a Statue of Liberty head in the background. It also doesn’t help that the girl somewhat flubs her lines (although it’s not too bad).
Once that introduction is done, we get a song about Winter Magic that sounds straight out of a Disney castle show. And, once the cutaway from the main field occurs and it zooms in on the action going on, you might be able to tell one of the problems with this halftime show, and it’s the same complaint that I had with the Super Bowl XXIII halftime show. There’s way too much going on at once that you don’t know where the focus is. There’s an orchestra performing, there’s choreography, there’s figure skating, there’s the spelling out of the word “magic,” and it’s all just way too much at once.
However, it’s even worse here than it was at Super Bowl XXIII. At least there, the dancing was in larger groups, and you don’t really need to zoom in; when they did zoom in, it was usually on something important, like a cheap and poorly done magic trick. With this halftime show, it doesn’t work because figure skating is not something that you can watch without a focusing of the camera. Have you ever seen a figure skating competition where they zoom out? If the figure skating is the main focus of the show (and I don’t know what is), then they should’ve focused on the figure skating. Unlike dancers in large groups, you can’t watch individual figure skaters from far away and get the same feeling. Some of the camera choices in this halftime show aren’t that good; at least the choreography is tight (unlike Super Bowl XXV).
It feels like this is an original song (called “Winter Magic”), and while I don’t agree with the whole idea of the halftime show, I do think the song is actually not that bad. Is it halftime show worthy? No, but I could definitely hear this song at a Disney castle show. Compared to some of the original songs designed for the halftime show (like Super Bowl XXV’s song about being a football hero), this one isn’t that bad. I’ve heard much worse.
Once that song is done, what’s the next step? Let’s go to Christmas music. There’s no transition between “Winter Magic” and “Winter Wonderland,” and it’s a bit of a confusing song choice. While “Winter Wonderland” doesn’t necessarily have any Christmas references in it (it’s mainly just a song about winter), doesn’t it feel weird listening to Christmas music in late January? I start listening after Halloween, and I can listen all the way up until Christmas Day; after Christmas, though, I’m done. Something about Christmas music post-Christmas doesn’t feel right. This halftime show may have been able to work better if the Super Bowl was played in December, but because it was played in late January, it just doesn’t fit.
We get a jazzy version of “Winter Wonderland” out of nowhere, and you can see that problem of way too much going on. There’s an orchestra, there are guys carrying around snowflakes, there are singles dancing and partners dancing as well, and there are guys dressed up as snowflakes doing their own routines. Where’s the focus? What are we supposed to have our eyes glued on? And again, this doesn’t work if I’m in the stadium as well, because of the fact that this is a combination of a bunch of small things. I know that the purpose of most of these halftime shows was to fill the field, but there are three ways to fill the field. There’s filling the field with no purpose (which I hate), filling the field reasonably (having a focus and just using the rest of the field as enhancements), and filling the field with so many ideas that you don’t know where to look. Super Bowl XXVI is the latter.
After “Winter Wonderland,” we get a waltz version of the song, and then, in one of the strangest moments of the halftime show (and in a show with figure skating in it, that’s saying something), we get a Jamaican/Caribbean style version of the song. It’s only for four lines of the song, and then it goes straight back to normal. Why was this in to begin with? Nothing about that version screams “winter,” and nothing about that version fits in with the theme. If you’re going to commit to that Caribbean theme, then go all-out, but don’t go four lines and then go back to normal. Doing a version of “Winter Wonderland” that sounds like “America” from West Side Story is just a weird artistic choice that clearly, did not work out.
That song ends with a Rockettes-style kickline, which is then followed by “The Nutcracker Suite.” I’ve got nothing against that song, but seriously? At the Super Bowl halftime show? There are a lot of good songs that you could’ve done that are actually interesting enough and up-beat to perform at halftime with a winter theme, and you choose “The Nutcracker Suite”? Questionable, especially because nothing happens during the song on the field. There’s nothing egregiously wrong with this part of the halftime show, other than the fact that it’s just flat out boring. Because of the camera choices panning out the entire field, it looks like nothing is happening; when the camera zooms in for all of ten seconds, though, you see things happening that aren’t that interesting. The problem with this halftime show is that when it’s not bad, it’s boring.
This next part isn’t boring, though. It’s just laughably bad. The University of Minnesota Marching Band comes out, and they help perform the next song. That next song, you might ask? “Frosty the Snowman.” This isn’t just any old version of “Frosty the Snowman,” though. This is a version performed by kid rappers Another Bad Creation style. Kid rappers are normally awful. The early 90s was this weird period where you had a lot of these kid rappers, but not too many of them were good. I like “Jump,” but Kris Kross wasn’t my thing. Technotronic had some songs, but when every song practically has the same lyrics (find me one Technotronic single that didn’t have the line “pump it up” or “pump up the jam” in it), their act got stale after a while too. Another Bad Creation, however, was the worst. They sounded like kids, “Playground” and “Iesha” were two awful songs, and even though I love 80s and 90s music, I immediately change the station when Another Bad Creation comes on the 90s on 9 (side note- thank you, Mark McGrath, for trying your hardest to revive that channel with some good content, considering the fact that SiriusXM has neglected that channel for so long).
I bring all of this up because this version of “Frosty the Snowman” sounds like a song by Another Bad Creation, and fits in with the zeitgeist of the musical culture at the time of this show. There’s a reason is doesn’t hold up well, though, and that’s because it’s awful. You have two inflatable snowmen alongside one snowman that’s being carried across the fifty-yard line as the decorations, and you’ve got these kids saying lyrics that have nothing to do with Frosty the Snowman. There’s a line about being the fresh prince (which only makes me wonder how great this halftime show would’ve been if you actually had The Fresh Prince there alongside DJ Jazzy Jeff and just had them do the show instead of this whole Winter Magic theme), there’s a line about standing tall (except for when he melts like all snowmen do), and how he’s a bad man because he wears a top hat (because clearly, the look of a gangster is wearing a black top hat). The fashion is hilariously outdated in this song, and that’s incredibly evident.
The chorus of the song is “Frosty, pump it up.” No words to explain how bad that is. Again, why they thought this was a good idea, I’m not entirely sure. I could be watching a genuinely funny program right now, or I could be watching some kids rap rewritten lyrics to “Frosty the Snowman” to make him sound like a gangster. Which option sounds more appealing? After the first chorus, you can see Frosty turn into a snowball at midfield, but then immediately turn back into Frosty the Snowman. There was no purpose for that; I don’t know if that was a mistake or if that was intentional, but it doesn’t make any sense for that to be there.
Once that happens and the dance breakdown occurs, you hear the lines “Do the Frosty.” They’re actually trying to make this a thing. How do you do the Frosty? How do you do the Super Bowl Twist? It’s the same exact problem that the Super Bowl XXII halftime show had- you don’t introduce a dance at the halftime show and then not explain that well how to do it. I’ll give Chubby Checker some credit- at least with the Super Bowl Twist, there are some vague lyrics as to how to do the dance. Here, they just tell you to do the Frosty. How does one do the Frosty? We’ll never know. It’s one of the greatest mysteries in halftime show history. Was the Janet Jackson incident at the end of Super Bowl XXXVIII intentional? Was the magic trick at Super Bowl XXIII actually successful? And, how does one do the Frosty?
After the dance break is done, you get a second rap verse combined with a second chorus. The funny part is that now, the song goes from sounding like something from Another Bad Creation to sounding like something out of “Hercules.” They added the female rappers and singers to just riff and run in the second chorus, and it now feels like a completely different style, even though it’s the exact same song. I prefer this style over the original, but then again, what was the focus, and why does it change mid-song? Forgot to mention- this song takes up more of the halftime show than Gloria Estefan does. Much like the Super Bowl XXV halftime show with New Kids on the Block barely being featured, the payoff if you just want Gloria Estefan is very disappointing.
At the very end of the song, you hear the words “Go, Frosty, go, Frosty, go!” repeated over and over again. This halftime show came out in 1992. The song “Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!” by Vanilla Ice came out in 1991. That means that this halftime show actually ripped off Vanilla Ice. They actually felt the need to shamelessly change the words to a Vanilla Ice song that he wrote for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise. This is the definition of hitting rock bottom. This is how desperate the NFL and Timberline Productions was. You’ve got this A-list artist waiting to come out, but instead, you feel like it’s a good idea to change around the words to a critically panned Vanilla Ice song. Wow.
That whole sequence with “Frosty the Snowman” was bad on so many levels. There was no reason for it to exist. The song was bad, the lyrics were even worse, and the fact that they try to make Frosty the Snowman sound like a bad boy because he wears a top hat is ridiculous and cheesy on so many levels. That ends the first half of the halftime show, because after the winter theme, we have to get into the Olympic theme and Gloria Estefan. I’ll divide this halftime show into three parts. The first part is the winter theme, which I just covered. The second part is the Olympic theme. The third part is Gloria Estefan. You can probably guess straight off of the bat which part is the best.
Again, you can see the card stunts are actually pretty good here. The Olympic rings at midfield, the USA in the upper deck, and the Olympic torch in the end zone are all nice stunts that enhance the show. It says something when the audience is actually one of the best parts of the show. You could’ve been sitting in the audience at Super Bowl XXVI and have been watching the game live, and you contributed more to this halftime show in terms of enjoyment than most of the things you saw on the field.
We finally see the figure skating, and they actually do it to an appropriate song. They figure skate to “One Moment in Time” by Whitney Houston, which is one of the best Olympic-themed songs ever (it was written for the 1988 Olympics). The only problem? It’s a cover version, and it’s completely butchered. While the female singer isn’t that bad, the male singer sounds like Lionel Richie (and if you can imagine Lionel Richie trying to sing that song, it just doesn’t work). The female singer has the lead vocals, while the male singer is supposed to harmonize. However, something with the mic levels made it so that the male singer has the stronger and louder vocals, making the melody of the song now completely unrecognizable.
Also, if this is supposed to recognize the figure skaters, then why are you not zooming in on them? I don’t care about the best angles of the field; I want to see the figure skating, because you can’t see that from afar. The figure skating isn’t even that good; when they zoom in on the skaters, I only see one (Brian Boitano) perform a routine where he jumps in mid air. There’s one jump in the entire song sequence. When the figure skating isn’t that good, you have an issue. There’s either an issue with not being able to see the figure skaters, or with the actual performance by the figure skaters. The routines aren’t that complex or interesting, and especially at halftime of the Super Bowl in a venue like the Metrodome, the space swallows it up.
That part is just boring. The next part is boring AND awful at the same time. Not only do we get a really bad version of “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen, but they CHANGE EVERY SINGLE LYRIC OF THE SONG. You don’t need to change a single lyric of the song, and it would still fit. The cover version of the song is completely butchered, and the lyric changes are just confusing and awful (and half of them don’t even rhyme). There’s one line in the rewritten version of the song that says “We’re going to a higher high.” What does that even mean? Did you really need to change “We’re having a ball” to “We’re having a blast?” It’s not like the lyrics to the song are questionable, it’s not like the song isn’t known (it’s one of Queen’s signature songs), and it’s not like the song doesn’t fit on its own. Why did you mess with legitimate perfection? Any chance that Freddie Mercury had of coming back to life two months after his tragic death in 1991 was killed when this song was played.
This might be the worst example of too much going on. You’ve got different dance routines, guys skating on the ice, guys skating on the ground, flips, dancers in hockey sticks, people on snowmobiles, and in the middle of all of it, you’ve got the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team. WHAT’S THE FOCUS HERE? There’s way too much going on. Whereas the Super Bowl XXIII halftime show had way too much going on, at least it was mainly dancing. Here, there’s so many different things occurring in so many different areas that it’s tough to keep track. It’s not just dancing, but rather, figure skating, snowmobiles, and recognizing legends of hockey. What’s the purpose?
Afterwards, the song mercifully stops (although it literally stops, and there’s no transitioning whatsoever). The Statue of Liberty head emerges and looks as creepy as ever, and from the head emerges Gloria Estefan. This seems like a good time to mention what the purpose of this Super Bowl halftime show was. As evidenced by the Christmas songs that were completely butchered, as evidenced by the figure skating and salute to Olympians, and as evidenced by the overkill of snowflakes on the field, this is a show about winter. Most of the transitions feature the song “Winter Magic” in between them. Now, you need a way to close this show off on a high note. AND OF ALL THE ARTISTS YOU COULD’VE CHOSEN, YOU CHOSE GLORIA ESTEFAN?
I’ve got nothing against Gloria Estefan. I like a lot of her music, and she doesn’t have a hit single that I don’t like. That being said, when the theme is “Winter Magic,” why are you choosing a Cuban-American from Miami, Florida who was the lead singer of the Miami Sound Machine? You don’t have to choose artists from Minnesota to make this work. There were some complaints when Bruno Mars (Hawaii) was chosen for the Super Bowl XLVIII halftime show in the New York/New Jersey area, but because the show wasn’t themed around New York, I don’t have a problem with it. There were some complaints when The Rolling Stones were chosen for the Super Bowl XL halftime show instead of a Motown act, but because the show wasn’t themed around Motown, I don’t have a problem with it. However, the show is themed around winter. Choosing an artist with a distinct Latin feel is not a good move. Literally any artist from the North or Canada would’ve worked, but slapping Gloria Estefan into a halftime show that is completely out of place just doesn’t work.
Estefan sings “Live for Loving You” and “Get on Your Feet,” which, considering the limited amount of time that she has, aren’t bad song choices (“Live for Loving You” was her most recent hit single). They’re both up-tempo songs, and they’re both good songs. It’s not like she has a wintery song that she could’ve chosen instead that would’ve fit the theme better. “Get on Your Feet” was a song that was built for the modern day halftime show. Could you imagine that song being performed in 2015 with the technology that we have now? It would’ve been epic. I’ve got no problem with Gloria Estefan’s performance, because she makes the most of a really bad situation. Note that Radio City realized that she was horribly mishandled and misplaced in this halftime show, and they actually gave her the co-headlining role alongside Stevie Wonder at the Super Bowl XXXIII halftime show in Miami (which is a much more fitting place for her to do a halftime show).
We then close it off with another performance of “Winter Magic,” and the show ends in freeze frame (in part two, you can see that it actually ends like that, and they show credits of the production). This is the first and only halftime show to ever end like that and show the credits. It’s the cheesiest ending possible. You may have also noticed that Gloria Estefan is barely in this halftime show, much like New Kids on the Block was barely in the Super Bowl XXV halftime show. This was another questionable decision to another questionable and pretty bad halftime show. So, how would I have fixed this mess that, at the very least, is better than the previous show?
My Fix
Again, I have to work within the parameters of what I’ve been given. I can’t say that I want Janet Jackson or Duran Duran to do the Super Bowl XXVI halftime show; while I can remove things or add realistic things, I can’t just play favorites and go off of what I want. Some of the fixes that I’ve had to do were hard, because there wasn’t much to work with to begin with. How do you make a halftime show about the culture of New Orleans interesting for Super Bowl XXIV? How do you make a show with an Elvis impersonator good for Super Bowl XXIII? For this one, though, the fix is incredibly simple.
Much like I scrapped everything Disney with Super Bowl XXV and just focused on New Kids on the Block, I’m doing the same thing here with this halftime show. Get rid of everything winter related. The figure skating can stay just as enhancements if you really want, but everything else is gone. The entire Olympic theme? The weird looking snowmen and the creepy Statue of Liberty head? The music of the winter? Gone. This entire show is about Gloria Estefan, who, at this point in her career, easily could’ve done an entire halftime show by herself. She was an A-list artist at this point, and if the halftime show was what it is today, then it wouldn’t have surprised me to see her get an actual halftime show to herself.
What’s the set-list? This is a bit tricky, because a lot of her material that got popular is comprised of ballads. However, you can still find a way to make it work. The first eleven minutes of the halftime show are made up of five songs- three from her days with the Miami Sound Machine, and two from her solo career days. I’m starting with “Conga,” then transitioning from that into “Get on Your Feet.” From there, we go into “Live for Loving You,” then “1-2-3,” and finish up with “Rhythm Is Gonna Get You.” At the end of that song, you bring out the figure skaters, and finish with an incredible, over-the-top version of “Don’t Wanna Lose You.” That’s a good song for figure skaters, and it gives you that salute to the 1992 Winter Olympics that you’re looking for. Plus, many halftime shows have ended with slow songs (and that seems to be the formula as of late), so this wouldn’t come out of left field. That halftime show could’ve been incredible. Instead, we got Winter Magic, which was just a giant winter mess.
The Other Halftime Show & Its Legacy
In Living Color- Super Bowl
Before I get into the conclusion, it’s important to talk about the failures of this halftime show with regards to viewership. Everyone knew that the halftime show was a joke by this point. It was cheesy, it was over-the-top, it was out of touch with reality, and was just a giant distraction from the actual game. Nobody was watching the Super Bowl for the halftime show; all the halftime show was at this point was thirty minutes to regroup, get more food, put the kids to sleep, and have enough time to make it back for the second half. The only reason why people watched the halftime show was because it was the only thing on, and even then, it was just there in the background.
Enter FOX, which was the first ever network to air legitimate counterprogramming against the Super Bowl. “In Living Color” wasn’t a very successful show; it lasted five seasons and never won any big-time ratings. However, it was one of the main programs on FOX’s lineup while they were transitioning into that period where they started to compete with the big three networks of CBS, NBC and ABC. This was before they had rights to NFL games.
Knowing that people didn’t actually watch the halftime show, FOX decided to air a live episode of “In Living Color” at halftime of the Super Bowl. It’s actually pretty funny, and really well done. It’s much more entertaining than anything that the actual halftime show put on. FOX was smart- they didn’t go overboard, and they got people back to the Super Bowl in time for the second half (as evidenced by the countdown clock on the bottom of the screen at times). Sure, some of the material is dated and we’ve seen it before, but a lot of it is pretty funny.
The aftermath? The NFL panicked, and finally came to the realization that the halftime show could no longer be a throwaway portion of the game. The Nielsen ratings for the game at halftime dropped from 42.1 to 32.8. Consider this- the estimated audience of Super Bowl XXVI was 79.6 million viewers (and again, this does not count viewing parties or bars, so it’s likely that the number of actual people watching the game was much higher than that). It’s been estimated that “In Living Color,” which was the first counter-program ever for the Super Bowl, took away 22 million viewers. More than a quarter of the audience left CBS to go to FOX for halftime. FOX had done the unthinkable- they went up against the giant that was the Super Bowl, and successfully lured a significant number of viewers away from the NFL.
Because of what FOX did during Super Bowl XXVI, the NFL had to act. Starting with Super Bowl XXVII, they stopped relying on cheesy productions and over-the-top performances and instead, started to get A-list artists. While this wasn’t the case with every halftime show, as you definitely had your fair share of head-scratching performances here and there, there was at least some audience with most of the halftime show that was being targeted. Every halftime show since Super Bowl XXVII, even if they weren’t the headliner or the main focus, had a recognizable name. With Super Bowl XXVII, the NFL got the biggest fish in the pond- Michael Jackson.
That halftime show got us out of the Transition Era and into the Emergence Era, where the halftime show really began to emerge as the marquee event that it is nowadays. Never again would a network think about cutting away from the halftime show, and never again would the halftime show be a bathroom break for the majority of the country; as it turns out, many halftime shows from Super Bowl XXVII-on got more viewers and higher ratings than the actual game. Like he did with most things, Michael Jackson changed the game, and FOX is to thank for that. I’ll talk more about how the league got Michael Jackson and the specifics of that halftime show in the next part/chapter of this series, which is the first halftime show that I’m legitimately excited to watch again.
Conclusion
As for what we actually got at Super Bowl XXVI with Gloria Estefan and Winter Magic, it was a confusing mess that, while not as bad as other halftime shows before it, was still really bad. I liked Gloria Estefan’s appearance, but she didn’t fit the theme at all, so really, I just enjoyed it because I like Gloria Estefan and it was the only entertaining part of the show. Unlike the Super Bowl XXV or XIX halftime shows, which were just painful to watch, this one is just boring, with a few really bad moments (changing “Don’t Stop Me Now,” the entire “Frosty the Snowman” rap) sprinkled here and there. The inclusion of Gloria Estefan, considering the theme, is confusing. There’s way too much going on at once, and the only part of the show that I have no complaints with whatsoever is when the audience card tricks occur. Other than that, this is just a bad show. Not the worst, but certainly not the best up until this time.
What happens with Super Bowl XXVII? How does Michael Jackson change the game? How monumental was his halftime show? Was his halftime show, dare I say it, overrated? Tune in tomorrow to find out.
Rankings
NOTE: The reviews for each halftime show are in the rankings, as requested. This is done to save space, and to just make it one less thing to look at.
1) Super Bowl XXII
2) Super Bowl XXVI
3) Super Bowl XXI
4) Super Bowl XVIII
5) Super Bowl XXIII
6) Super Bowl XXIV
7) Super Bowl XX
8) Super Bowl XIX
9) Super Bowl XXV
Super Bowl Database

Crowd: YEY!
BOO!
YEY!
BOO!
YEY!
BOO!
YEY!
BOO!
YEY!
BOO!
BOO!
BOO!
YEY!
YEY!
YEY!
McCarty levels Flash with a thumping right! He picks Flash up and whips him off the ropes, hitting him with the Superman Punch!
Woodbridge: JOEY'S FEELING IT!
Cover!
1
2
Kickout at 2!
McCarty picks Flash up again, and whips him into the ropes. The Canadian Champion bounces off of the ropes perpendicular to Flash, body checking Flash out of the ring!
Paisner: OPEN ICE! ONTO THE FLOOR GOES FLASH!
Woodbridge: And look at McCarty fly!
Crowd: YEY!
McCarty jumps through the middle rope, right onto Flash, clattering into the barricade! He throws Flash back inside, then goes for the cover!
1
2
NO!
Flash kicks out! McCarty picks Flash up again once more, and throws him at the ropes, then knees him in the gut, scoops up his legs, and locks in the Sharpshooter!
Paisner: THE SHARTSHOOTER! THE CANADIAN STAPLE, LOCKED IN TIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!
Woodbridge: Flash has nowhere to go! He may have to tap in his retirement match!
McCarty keeps it locked in, as Flash looks for anywhere to go! He finally hooks round McCarty's leg to break tbe hold but the damage has been done. McCarty picks Flash up, and hooks him for a suplex, but Flash resists being picked up. He resists again, then powers up, dropping McCarty belly first onto the mat, before faltering to 1 knee. The anger builds in Flash, until he gets up, stomps on McCarty, then starts shouting.
Flash: FUCK YOU, I'M GOING TO WIN THIS! IT'S OVER!
McCarty gets to a vertical base. Royale Kick to the face! McCarty staggers back, but Flash grabs the head, runs up the turnbuckle, and hits the corner Shiranui! Flash keeps the headlock locked in, picking McCarty up by his neck and positioning him into an electric chair position. He faces the hard camera, hooks McCarty's neck, then drops him into the One Winged Angel!
Paisner: GG! GG! IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER!
COVER!
1
2
3
KICK OUT!
Woodbridge: HOLY SHIT! MCCARTY KICKED OUT OF ALL OF JACK FLASH'S FINISHING MOVES! ALL OF THEM!
Paisner: I DON'T BELIEVE IT! MCCARTY JUST TOOK EVERYTHING FLASH HAD, AND HE STILL WANTS MORE!
Woodbridge: MCCARTY'S GETTING BACK UP! HE WANTS TO KEEP FIGHTING!
Paisner: HE'S GOT THAT LOOK IN HIS EYE ALLEN!
McCarty hulks up! He's getting mad! He starts feeling the crowd again!
Flash slaps McCarty, and again, but McCarty feels no pain! He whips McCarty into the ropes, but McCarty returns with a powerful clothesline! McCarty picks Flash up and whips him into the corner, but Flash is faster with the Flair Bump than before, and immediately springs back at McCarty with a flying forearm! McCarty sidesteps, grabs the leg, locks in the Ankle Lock!
Paisner: FLASH HAS NOWHERE TO GO! NOWHERE TO GO!
McCarty grapevines the leg! Nowhere to go! Flash taps! Flash taps!
DING DING DING!
Javier: Your winner in a time of 17:43, and NEWWWWWW TWA INTERNATIONAL INTERGENDER CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, JOEY MCCARTY!
Paisner: It's over! Jack Flash, in his retirement match, taps out to the ankle lock! McCarty has beaten the former world champion in emphatic style!
Woodbridge: Jack Flash brought his A game, but Joey McCarty, he brought his S game!
Paisner: His S game?
Woodbridge: Trust me, S is better than A.
McCarty is presented with both belts, and raises them high into the air, the Yorkshire crowd cheering both men.Jack Flash, emotionally drained, slowly gets to his feet. He stares down Joey, looking him square in the eyes, then offers the handshake to McCarty, who accepts. He raises his hand as the winner, then hugs him. Flash motions to Javier for a mic, visibly choked.
Flash: Joey? Well done, man. You deserve it more than anyone. Just promise me one thing. Don't let me down, kid. Yorkshire, WiR Galaxy, I love you! But know this! This is not goodbye, this is merely fairwell. I'll be back, just you wait.
Flash drops the mic, and walks out to the back along with McCarty. He takes one last look at the WiR Galaxy, before going through the curtain.
COMMERCIAL
(Hwo Rang is heading to his match with Mr. Lee following behind him.)
Hwo Rang: Lee I want you to do me a favor.
Mr. Lee: Of course sir.
Hwo Rang: Let me do this match alone.
Mr. Lee: What?! I don't understand.
Hwo Rang: Did I stutter? Stay away from my match. I'm going to destroy Reynolds without help. There'll be no question this time whether or not I'm better than him. Got it?
Mr. Lee: Y-yes sir...
(Back to the arena where Javier is in the middle of the ring.)
DING! DING! DING!
Javier: The follow is a match set for one fall! The winner of this match will win the deed to the Tiger Pit Fight Academy gym!
Paisner: The Tiger Pit Fight Academy formerly The Lion Pit Fight Academy has been a source of contention for these two for over a month.
Woodbridge: You're not kidding. Hwo Rang basically used his connection with his father, the CEO of the Hwo Rang Corporation, to buy the gym from under Russ and Chuck's noses.
Paisner: Speaking of which Hwo Rang's father is here tonight to see his son's match!
(Hwo Rang's father is sitting in the front row with a bunch of other men and women in suits.)
(Rainbow in the Dark plays and Russ Reynolds enters the arena! He strides to the ring with a look of pure determination.)
Javier: Approaching the ring! From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! Weighing in at 215 lbs! "Danger" Russ Reynolds!
Woodbridge: It's good to see Russ Reynolds back to his old self again. He was stuck in a slump for a couple of weeks.
Paisner: Well can you blame him? He just had the Lion Pit Fight Academy rip out from under him by Hwo Rang. That gym was his pride and joy.
(Better Than Yesterday starts to play and Hwo Rang enters!Instead of his usual ferocity his walk to the ring is more reserved and purposeful)
Javier: Approaching the ring! From Seoul, South Korea! Weighing in at 91.2 kg! The Korean White Tiger! Hwo Rang!
Paisner: And Hwo Rang showing a change in attitude for this match. He's coming in alone and is not displaying his usual pompous ferocity we're used to.
Woodbridge: I guess he's going to treat this match seriously but I'll believe it when I see it.
The two men glare at each other as referee Mia So Hung calls for the bell to starts the match!
DING! DING! DING!
Hwo Rang extends to hand to Russ inviting him for a traditional wrestling lock up. Russ looks wary and confused. He hesitates but locks hands with Hwo Rang but waits for the kick to the body that heels usually follow with. No tricks here and Hwo Rang and Russ smoothly transition into a collar and elbow tie up.
Woodbridge: I guess Hwo Rang really is treating this match seriously! I'm shocked!
After a brief struggle Hwo Rang manages to get this feet underneath Reynolds and performs a beautiful Judo Hip Toss. Reynolds hits the mat and rolls back to a standing position.
Paisner: Huh. I guess Hwo Rang wants to show that if Reynolds wants a good ol' wrestling match he's got one.
Another collar and elbow tie up and this time Russ takes the advantage and gets behind Reynolds in a waist lock. Reynolds tries to go for a back to belly suplex but Hwo Rang counters and transitions into a wrist lock. Reynolds slaps the lock off of him and gets in a jab-jab-cross-uppercut combo to Hwo Rang's face! Hwo Rang goes reeling back and Reynolds takes the opportunity to slam Hwo Rang to the mat with a belly to belly suplex!
Crowd: YAAAAAAY!!!
Paisner: And with that Reynolds has taken the momentum!
Reynolds pick Hwo Rang up and Irish whips him into a conrer. Russ runs in for a coner kick when Hwo Rang dodges out of the way and Reynolds kick the steel post... hard.
Woodbridge: Holy shit did you see that?! Reynolds might've broken his foot!
Hwo Rang grins evilly and hits Reynolds with a low kick right to the injured foot! Reynolds crumples to the ground in pain! Hwo Rang stomps the foot with his boot and starts grinding it!
Woodbridge: I knew it! I knew it! I knew that bastard wasn't going to play by the rules for long!
Mia So Hung get Hwo Rang off of Reynolds and scolds him. Hwo Rang just raises his hands showing that he is complainant. Reynolds shakily gets back up. Hwo Rang swiftly gets Reynolds into a waist lock and brings Reynolds down with an atomic drop!
Paisner: Good lord! If that foot wasn't broken when Reynolds hit the post Hwo Rang is sure trying to break it now!
Crowd: BOOO! HWO RANG SUCKS! HWO RANG SUCKS!!
Hwo Rang attempts a Heel Hold on an injured Reynolds but Reynolds knew what was coming. Russ quickly kick upwards into Hwo Rang's face with his good foot. As Hwo Rang reels backwards Reynolds get back up grimacing at the pain. He ruses over to Hwo Rang and gives him a right!
Crowd: YAY!
Hwo Rang return with a left!
Crowd: BOO!
Reynold return with a right!
Crowd: YAY!
Hwo Rang returns! Then Reynolds! Then Hwo Rang! Reynolds! Hwo Rang!
Crowd: BOO! YAY! BOO! YAY! BOO!
Reynolds returns again! And continues giving Hwo Rang rights!
Crowd: YAY! YAY! YAY! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Hwo Rang stands stunned from all the punches and Reynolds takes the opportunity to send Hwo Rang away before the foot injury can get worse! He grabs Hwo Rang and hits him with a northern light suplex! And another! And another! The Aurora Borealis!! Reynolds hold for the pin!
1! 2! 3-NO!
Hwo Rang kicks out at 3 and a half!
Reynolds limps away from Hwo Rang to catch his breath. Hwo Rang gets to one knee and Reynolds runis for a kick to the head! But he miscalculates and accidentally hits Hwo Rang with the bad foot! Both men are now lying on the mat! Mia checks both competitors and starts counting!
1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6!
Hwo Rang gets back up first while Reynolds is still writhing in pain clutching his foot. Hwo Rang runs to the turnbuckle and climbs to the top. Hwo Rang goes flying and hits the prone Reynolds with a Shooting Star Press! Pin!
1! 2! No! Two count!
Hwo Rang gets back up and starts repeatedly stomping on Reynolds foot! Mia pull him off again and admonishes him! Reynolds get back up but Hwo Rang was ready! He kicks Reynolds in the stomach and runs in for a Twisting Tiger! But he doesn't go for the pin! Hwo Rang lift Reynolds onto his back and hits a devastating high angle powerbomb! The Tiger Bomb!
Woodbridge: It's over! The Tiger Pit Academy is here to stay!
Hwo Rang goes for the pin!
1! 2! 3! NO!
Reynolds miraculously get a shoulder up in time!
Hwo Rang looks stunned and just gapes as Reynolds get back up to his feet. Hwo Rang comes back to his senses and Irish whips Reynolds into the ropes. Reynolds counter with an Irish whip of his own and accidentally send Hwo Rang careening into Mia So Hung! Hwo Rang get back up while Reynold checks up on Mia.
Paisner: Wait! What the hell?!
Woodbridge: Oh no! I knew this would happen!
Mr. Lee runs into the ring with a kendo stick! He is about to strike Reynolds when... Hwo Rang punches Mr. Lee in the face!
Paisner and Woodbridge: Wait! What?!
Woodbridge: Did we just see that?!
Paisner: I think so! Hwo Rang just punched out Mr. Lee! He wants to win this without any interference!
Hwo Rang exits the ring and snatches a mic from someone.
Hwo Rang: It told you to stay out of this Lee! I'm going to win this on. my. own. Get the hell out of here! You're fired!!
Paisner: Well I didn't see that coming!
Mr. Lee doesn't leave. He is sobbing while begging Hwo Rang to reconsider. Hwo Rang kick the groveling man away and threatens him with the kendo stick. Mr. Lee recoils and runs to the back stage in tears!
Woodbridge: Someone get me a copy of that moment right there! Oh my god! I want that to treasure forever.
Hwo Rang returns to the ring. Reynolds is helping a now conscious Mia back up. Hwo Rang extends his hand for another lock up. Reynolds responds in kind and the match is back on!
Reynolds takes advantage and gets Hwo Rang into a wrist lock. Hwo Rang steps on Reynolds injured foot releasing the hold and causing Reynolds to reel backwards in pain. Hwo Rang runs past Reynolds and springboards of the ropes for a flying clothesline but Reynolds is ready! Reynolds topees Hwo Rang in a beautiful counter suplex! As Hwo Rang get back up Reynolds rushes in for the Dangerous Kick! Reynolds ignores the pain as he calls for one last move to finish this! Hwo Rang groggily stands up and Reynolds lifts him up!
Woodbridge: Oh my god! Is that?!
Paisner: It is!
Reynolds hits the EVJ Driver! He goes for the pin!!
1! 2! 3!
DING! DING! DING!
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Pasiner: Reynolds wins it! Reynolds wins it! Reynolds won back his beloved gym!! And he won it with a beautiful homage to EVJ!!
Javier: The winner of this bout in 8 minutes and 42 seconds!! RUSS "DANGER" REYNOLDS!!!
Woodbridge: The Lion Pit Academy is back! Russ wonn back the gym he worked so hard for!
Hwo Rang gets back up. Reynolds turn around and looks at him. Hwo Rang extends his hand out. Russ Reynolds looks at the hand with suspicion. Hwo Rang continues to offer his hand. Russ takes it. The two rival shake hands both respecting the other.
Paisner: A rare show of respect from the Korean White Tiger here!
Hwo Rang lifts Reynolds hand high and points at his opponent.
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!
Hwo Rang leaves the ring and claps along with the crowd. He then solemnly walks to the back.
COMMERCIAL
Javier: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, your referee is Ivan Itchicock! Introducing first…
Rage Against Parkway Drive plays, as Lee stumbles out of the ring, spinning around in a lackadaisical manner, feint attacking people with his newly acquired elbow pad.
Javier: From Des Moines, Iowa. He weighs in at 230 lbs. This is Logan “The Collector” Lee!
Logan gets into the ring and takes off his jacket and gives it to Maurice. Maurice turns around, and Lee tosses the padded elbow at his head.
Crowd: OOOOOOOH-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Paisner: What a piece of shit!
Anarchy in the UK plays, as the plucky upstart is seen in the crowd, floating up into the air with the help of the crowd. He makes it to the barricades, sees Lee and puts his arms up into the air. On one hand, the vulcan symbol. On the other...a big ole middle finger. Lee rushes to Dylan and drags him out of the crowd surf. He clatters to the floor, the kid gets stomped on, kicked right in the face. Lee scoops him up, tosses him into the canvas. Dylan goes right back down, writhing in pain as Lee marches around triumphant, waving his arms around slowly with vulcan symbols with both hands. He goes back to Dylan, driving his foot into the poor boy’s ribs. He sends him into the ring, and heads to Ivan. He grabs his hand before Ivan call for the bell, and starts yelling at Javier.
Lee: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? INTRODUCE HIM!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan gets himself up by his arms, as Javier submits to the maniac’s demands.
Javier: A-...And his opponent, from Aberdeen, Washington. He weighs in at 192lbs. This is Tyler Dylan!
Dylan has himself standing on his knees, when Lee lets go of Ivan and boots him right in the face.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
DING DING DING
Paisner: Violent start to this contest, as Logan Lee is taking it to the fellow rookie Tyler Dylan. Lee picking the boy up now…
He grabs Dylan and lifts him up into the air and sends him down hard with a suplex.He gets up and brings his weight down on his opponent with a senton. He gets up, drives his foot onto his face and step over him. Lee heads to the ropes to grandstand in front of the crowd. Dylan now writhing in pain, gets himself up and stand in front of Lee as he turns back around.
Dylan charges at him, and walks right into a lariat. Lee goes for the pin.
1…
Kickout, and the boy leaps back up and motions for Lee. Lee gets up, and Dylan point to the ropes. He rushes it and lariats Dylan again. He gets back up, and points to the ropes again. He hits the ropes, and when he comes back around Dylan leaps up and hits him with a dropkick. Lee stumbles into the ropes, checking his nose for blood and runs to Dylan.
Woodbridge: Sends Lee into the ropes now, armdrag, gets himself back on his feet. Now Dylan off the ropes, springboard…
Dylan flies off the ropes, clashes into Lee with a crossbody, and goes for a pin attempt.
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
1…
Kickout and both stand on their knees, looking back at each other. They slowly rises and circle each other, until Lee raises his arms and lunges at his man. Dylan ducks him, and grabs him by his waist from behind. German attempt, but Lee keeps his ground, and reverses the hold. He launches Dylan with a release German, but he lands on his feet and tries to double stomp Lee while he’s down. Lee gets out of the way and bolts it to the outside.
Paisner: And Dylan gets the upper hand!
Lee turns to the fans booing him and grabs one of their signs, ripping right through it like it was nothing. Behind him, Dylan hits the ropes, is about to fly off with a tope as Lee turns around, but catches himself by bouncing his shoulders off the top rope and landing back on his feet and does a bit of showboating himself. Lee takes offence to this and slides into the ring. He crushes the man with a lariat from behind, flipping the man around and landing him right on his back. He heads back out again, and starts motioning the fans to move away. He steals one of the chair from them and flips them all off while doing so. He walks back in, but the ref catches him and grabs the chair from him. Tug of war with the ref for the chair, when Lee violently jerks the chair towards the ref, sending him down. Lee turns around and gets a enzuigiri to the back of the head from a sluggish Dylan, making him drop the chair down. Dylan grabs his opponent, cradles him up, lifts him and drops him face first on to the chair with a DDT. Cover…
1…
2…
Kickout by Lee, both men now running on fumes. Dylan’s the first up, motioning for Lee to do the same. Lee gets up, turns around and opens himself up for a Rear Naked Choke, and jumps onto the man’s back for leverage. Dylan wrenching back on Lee’s neck as he constricts his neck further and further. Lee, fading fast, makes a quick decision. With the last of his strength he doesn’t go for the ropes, but instead dashes toward the turnbuckles, and cannonball sentons the two of them into it!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Woodbridge: Lee, like a fucking animal, chooses to inflict more pain, put himself in even more risk and barrels into the corner.
Both men are down, as the ref begins his count.
Crowd: GET UP DY-LAN! clap clap clapclapclap GET UP DY-LAN! clap clap clapclapclap GET UP DY-LAN! clap clap clapclapclap
Lee gets back on his feet, stumbles until he’s on the opposite end of the ring. Dylan gets up, turns around and gets out of the way from a charging Lee, who clatters into the turnbuckles and falls to the ground. Dylan dashes to the turnbuckles and climbs all the way up. He leaps off rotates in the air, and goes for the Shooting Star Press. Lee counters, and Dylan falls chest first into his knees. Lee flips him over, grabs Dylan’s head and arm and has him with the Anaconda Vise. He drags Dylan closer to the center of the ring, and begins to wrench back on him.Dylan’s about to tap, but Lee has him scouted, and flips him over before forcign the man up, still holding his head and arm. He spins him out of the hold, and when Dylan turns around, he gets laid out with a Rolling Elbow. The man clatters to the floor.
Paisner: Shining Raichu! Cover!
1…
2…
3…
DING DING DING
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Javier: TIme of the fall, 9:19. The winner of the match, Logan “The Collector” Lee!
Logan heads to Maurice, and grabs his jacket. He puts it on a fumbles around a secret pocket inside to reveal...a pair of fabric scissors. He heads back into the ring, and stomps on a downed Dylan before cutting one of the smiling faces on the man’s tights. He holds it up high with pride as he marches out of the ring.
COMMERCIAL
Javier: This following match is a Yorkshire Street Fight, scheduled for one fall! In this match, there are no disqualifications, and falls count anywhere!
Paisner: Oh goodie! I've been looking forward to this all night!
Javier: First, approaching the ring...
Suprisingly, A Different Song is played for KSJ as he begins his walk down to the ring. There is a VERY noticeable bulge in the front of his trunks.
Javier: weighing 230 pounds, and standing at exactly 6 feet, from Charlotte, North Carolina... Kevin Scott Jackson!
Crowd: Jackson Su-ucks! ^{clap clap clapclapclap}
As KSJ enters the ring, he pulls out a metal pipe from the front of his trunks, and begins to wave it in the air.
Paisner: Well, KSJ knows that anything goes here tonight, and he certainly plans on using that rule to its full potential!
Javier: And now approaching the ring...
This Life booms throughout the arena, the crowd erupting as it does.
Javier: ...Weighing 237 pounds, and standing at 6 feet 6 inches, from Groningen, Holland, The Dutchman himself, Mark Dutch!
As Mark Dutch begins to walk down the ramp, he is interrupted by KSJ, who rolls under the bottom rope and begins to rush at him. The timekeeper quickly rings the bell.

DING DING DING!

KSJ swings the metal pipe at the skull of Mark Dutch, who ducks the attack. As KSJ turns around, he is met by a vicious chop to his chest. He clutches his chest in pain, which allows Dutch to take control of the opportunity. He kicks KSJ in the abdomen, before grabbing his head, and throwing Kevin into the steel barrier!
Woodbridge: Jesus! No love left between these two it seems!
Paisner: Well, after KSJ stabbed Mark in the back after gaining his trust, I can't say I'm surprised.
As KSJ recovers from the impact, Mark Dutch looks under the ring. After some searching, he comes back up with none other than a steel chair. However, instead of smashing it on KSJ, he instead chooses to unfold the chair and take a seat!
Mark Dutch: Any day now KSJ! I'm gettin' bored over here!
Finally, KSJ works his way back to his feet. The Dutchman stands and folds the chair back up. As he lefts the chair above his head, KSJ quickly snaps an unknown object into the left knee of Mark. He goes down hard, screaming in pain and writhing on the floor. KSJ quickly leaps on top of Mark, and the ref begins to count the pin.
1...
2...
No!
Mark forces his shoulders off the floor, stopping the count. KSJ quickly stands up, and begins stomping on the leg of Dutch.
KSJ: FUCK! YOU! MARK! THIS! IS! MY! MOMENT!
Mark Dutch cries out in pain as his knee and leg is stomped to mush. After over 20 stomps, KSJ finally stops the assault. Mark doesn't even try to stand up, knowing the pain it will cause. With this downtime, KSJ finds a table under the ring and sets it up inside the ring.
Woodbridge: Ah shit, what is Kevin going for now?
After setting up the table, KSJ rolls back under the bottom rope and forcefully pulls Dutch off the floor. On one foot, The Dutchman is thrown into the ring. with Mark unable to walk properly, KSJ has no problem lifting Dutch onto the table. KSJ carefully walks his way onto the second rope.
Paisner: Is KSJ going for an elbow drop here? This type of offense is very rare from Jackson!
KSJ holds his breath, before leaping off the second rope. With his elbow extended, he aims to land on Mark. However, at the last second, Mark rolls off the table and lands on the mat, making KSJ break through the table. KSJ looks out of it, laying in the ring, and Dutch drags himself on top of his opponent.
1...
2...
NO! KSJ uses his legs to kick out of the pin. Mark, slowly recovering from the pain in his leg, looks to the crowd for adrenaline.
Crowd: Lets Go Dutchman! Lets Go Dutchman!
Mark, feeling the crowds energy, slowly works his way back to his feet. Limping heavily on his left leg, he navigates between the second and third ropes, and climbs to the top turnbuckle.
Paisner: Oh no, Oh no.... Is Dutch really going to attempt the Over Castle right now?
Woodbridge: Mark wants to win this match! He'll do anything! He's a maniac! A... A...
Paisner: A lunatic?
Woodbridge: God no, what kind of name is that? Anyways, Dutch is on the top!
Dutch, practically on one foot, leaps off the rope and catches the standing KSJ be the head. Spinning over him, he slams the two of them onto the mat with his famous Over Castle
Paisner: OVER CASTLE! AND ON ONE FOOT!
Mark flops on top of KSJ, too weak to hook the leg. The ref quickly drops down and begins the count
1...
2...
3...NO!
KSJ practically throws his shoulder off the mat at the last second. Mark looks at the ref, and asks him if it really was only 2. After the count being confirmed, the dutchman gets back to his feet, still feeling the pain in his left leg. Suddenly, a metaphorical lightbulb appears over Marks head. He drops out of the ring again, and walks around the ring until he gets to the side facing Paisner and Woodbridge. He begins to hunt for something under the ring apron.
Paisner: Now what on Earth is Mark looking for?
Woodbridge: I don't know, but I wouldn't want to be KSJ when he finds it!
After much searching, Mark slowly pulls the object out from under the ring. The weapon is none other than a Baseball Bat. A large grin finds its way to Mark's face.
Crowd: Doooo it! Doooo it!
Mark Dutch: You bet your ass I'm gonna do it!
Crowd: Yaaaay! Let's go Dutch! Let's go dutch!
Mark slides into the ring, and begins to smash the bat on the mat like a Baseball Player does during a game. Slowly, KSJ gets to his feet, unaware of whats coming. As he turns around, he only has a a split-second to duck under Mark's wild swing. He delivers a sick kick right into the knee of Mark, forcing him to drop the bat and roar out in pain.
KSJ: I DIDN'T DO THIS! THEY DIDN'T DO THIS! YOU DID THIS! YOU, MARK! YOU!
KSJ swings the bat square on the knee of Mark. You can practically hear a bone shatter as Mark screams out in pain, a now blinding sensation.
KSJ: TELL THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO QUIT! TELL THEM YOU GIVE UP!
KSJ swings the bat into the knee of Mark again. The crowd shares Dutch's pain, as the gasp in the horror of the scene. However, Mark stays strong, and refuses to give up to the agony. KSJ quickly rolls under the ring and grabs a microphone from Javier, who is standing by, ready to call the end of the match. KSJ holds the bat in one hand, and with the other, shoves the Mic into the face of Mark.
Mark: F...Fuck Offf..Kevin
KSJ, now furious and embarrassed at Dutch's display of courage, forces the bat into the gut of Mark. Through the mic, you can hear him groan in pain. He is hardly continuous at this point, on the brink of passing out from his injuries. By now, multiple referee's are in the ring, desperately trying to talk KSJ out of this assault.
KSJ: Get outta here! This is a Street Fight, meaning I can do whatever I want! Including THIS!
KSJ smashes the bat against the knee of Mark yet again. At this point, there is a very open wound there, and every hit coats the bat in a crimson shade. For minutes now, the arena has been filled with the sound of true pain. Even when he isn't being hit by the bat, there is a lasting agony in Mark. And, with this final hit, Mark has finally had enough.
Mark: AUUUUUGH FUCK! Auuugh... Auuugh... F...fuu..^{auuauuuuughhh}
Mark, unable to withstand the pain any longer, slowly faints in the center of the ring. The referee see's this, and before KSJ can get anymore swings in, calls for the bell.

DING DING DING!

Javier: Your winner, at a time of 10:13, Kevin Scott Jackson!
Quickly, ringside doctors jump into the ring and begin working on Mark, as Let's Go booms through the arena. The crowd, finally realizing what has happened to Mark, showers KSJ in boos.
Paisner: Well, KSJ wins the match and gets a guaranteed movie deal, and on the other side of things, it's looking very grim for Mark Dutch.
COMMERCIAL
Javier Babaganoush stands in the middle of the ring, Harry Undersach stands to his left.
Javier: The following contest is set for one fall and it is a tag team match for control of “The Book.” Your referee is Harry Undersach. Introducing first…
Sultry tones ring out on the forty pound stereo that passes for a PA in Yorkshire as “VIle” Vic Studd and his wife Roisin O’Brien come through the curtain and march to the ring. There is no pagentry from them as they stare ahead with grim eyed determination.
Javier: Making their way to the ring, at a combined weight of 396 pounds, Roisin O’Brien and “Vile” Vic Studd: Crimson and Clover!
Paisner: Okay, this one is complicated folks, so I hope you’re taking notes: Maximo Moon brought Sonny Carson back from the dead for his own nefarious purposes. At some point in the last few months, Sonny began a relationship with a woman we would later find out is “Vainglorious” Victoria Studd.
Woodbridge: Sonny likes his vag aged like a fine wine. Unfortunately her vag is aged like cheap wine: vinegary. Sonny Carson likes vinegar vag.
Paisner: Gross. Anyway, Victoria’s son, “Vile” Vic Studd, was far from pleased with this development and, despite Sonny’s effort to be a model step parent, wants the whole thing done away with. Maximo, seeking to rid Sonny of Victoria’s influence, set up this match between Sonny and Victoria against Vic and his wife Roisin O’Brien, collectively known as Crimson and Clover.
Woodbridge: Normally I’d rag on you for all this exposition, but this feud needs it.
Paisner: Nearly done, I swear. Victoria would only agree to the match if Maximo put the book on the line.
Woodbridge: Normally in wrestling if someone gets the book, it means they book the shows. But in this match it’s something we know nothing about. Will we find out what it is tonight? Don’t bet on it.
Paisner: Henry Hill don’t put bets on indy shows, Only NYS stuff. If Sonny and Victoria win this match, Victoria gets the book.. If Crimson and Clover win, Victoria goes back to Fred Massey’s home for retired wrestlers. And that is that.
Woodbridge: That’s a nice info dump you managed to squeeze entirely into Crimson and Clover’s entrance.
Vic and Ro step into the ring. Vic removes his robe and folds it perfectly before handing it to Maurice. Their music fades out.
The funky strings and high loving tunes of Boney M signal the arrival of Sonny Carson and “Vainglorious” Victoria Studd. They step through the curtain and wave to the fans. They stop before the curtain and Sonny takes Victoria’s hand before he spins her closer to him. He dips her and they stare longingly into each other’s eyes. Sonny plants a gentle peck on the lips of Victoria. She Hulks up and gets to a vertical base, before she dips Sonny. She stares at him like a hungry animal before ramming her tongue all the way down his throat. The crowd recoil slightly. She spins him back up to his feet. He looks dazed and aroused. But his state of bliss doesn’t last long as Vic has raced up the stage and blasted him full force in the face! Sonny goes straight down as Vic mounts him with punches.
Paisner: Vic not wasting any time!
Woodbridge: Would you if you saw a dude macking on your mom?
Paisner: Good point.
Victoria, from behind, stops Vic’s assault on her boy toy by digging her fingernails into his eyes. Vic howls as she drags him off Sonny. But the motheson action is cut off by Ro blasting Victoria from behind. The two women in Vic’s life brawl as he resumes his assault on Sonny.
Paisner: This one has broken down before it began.
Woodbridge: Who’s that at the ring?
Maximo Moon has appeared at ringside. He barks at Undersach to start the match. Harry is adhering to the rules of wrestling and waiting for them to reach the ring.
Maximo: Ring the bell! I sign your fucking paycheck, so ring the bell or get another job!
Harry begrudgingly listens to his boss.
Ding ding ding!
Paisner: I didn’t know he was even here.
Ro grabs Victoria and bounces her head off the metal rail holding up the entrance curtain. Victorai falls and tumbles behind the curtain. Ro pursues.
Paisner: The ladies heading into the back. Let’s try and get a camera back there.
Vic stands up and pulls Sonny up with him before dragging him over to the commentary desk and bouncing his head off the table. Vic reaches over and grabs Paisner’s monitor, yanking it from the table and leaving cables behind it.
Paisner: Dude, I need that!
Sonny stumbles up to his feet and slowly turns around. Vic cracks the monitor off his skull! Sonny collapses in a heap. Back in the ring Harry calls for the bell, but he’s cut off by Maximo.
Maximo: It’s no DQ! He can do whatever he wants!
Harry meekly puts his hand down, as Maximo tells Javier to make the announcement.
Javier: Ladies and gentlemen, Ballsweat owner Maximo Moon has informed me that this match is now no disqualification.
The crowd murmur restlessly as Sonny tries to crawl away from Vic. Blood begins to seep from the fresh gash in Sonny’s forehead, a result of the monitor shot. Vic stalks his prey as Sonny begins to crawl down the ramp to the ring. Before he gets halfway there, VIc finally decides that it’s been long enough and puts the boots to Sonny. He stamps on his back and legs, driving his heel into Sonny’s kidneys. Sonny let's out a scream of pain. Vic doesn’t care.
Woodbridge: Vic Studd is a man possessed by one goal: to make Sonny Carson pay for banging his mom.
Vic lifts Sonny up by his blood matted hair and launches him face first into the ring post. Sonny hits with a wet thunk and tumbles to the floor. Vic stands over the bloody Carson, sneering from above. The crowd look on in uncomfortable silence.
Paisner: Vic has been known to go too far in the past. Will Maximo let him go too far tonight?
Maximo starts barking at Javier again, demanding he make the new announcement.
Javier: Ladies and gentlemen, Ballsweat owner Maximo Moon has informed me that this match is now falls count anywhere.
Woodbridge: Haven’t we already had one of those? Maximo is the worst promoter.
Maximo marches over to Vic. He points at Sonny.
Maximo: Pin him! Pin him now! End this!
Vic glares at Maximo.
Paisner: Maximo should know that Vic does not take kindly to being told what to do.
Vic reinforces Paisners point by backhanding Maximo to the floor. He looks down at the fallen man of wealth.
Vic: Don’t you ever tell me what to do!
Vic is rolled up from behind by a school boy from Sonny! Harry hops down.
1!
2!
3!
No! Vic kicks out and scrambles up to his feet as Sonny stumbles up and eats a brutal knife edge chop from Vic. Sonny falls back but is held up by the ring apron. He can’t fight back against Vic who manhandles him up and into the ring. Sonny lies in the ring, his blood spilling out and congealing into a puddle beneath him in the ring. Vic rolls in behind him.
Paisner: Finally this match reaches the ring.
Vic begins slowly and methodically stamping on Sonny, before he drops down and applies a Fujiwara Armbar. Sonny begins to howl in pain. Sonny hangs on through the agony and refuses to submit. He grits his teeth and suffers through it. Vic wrenches on the arm, but Sonny continues to bare the pain, hanging on through the pressure on his arm. Vic releases the hold and Sonny rolls away cradling his arm. Vic looks down at Sonny.
Woodbridge: Vic released that hold because he knew after that time, that Sonny Carson was not going to tap out to the Fujiwara Armbar. Sonny may not have the killer instinct he once had, but he still has that fortitude.
Paisner: It takes grit step in as a step parent.
While Vic contemplates his next step, Victoria and Ro appear back on the stage! The two women are brawling back and forth, with a toilet seat horse collared around Victoria’s neck. Vic turns his attention to the women going back and forth on the stage. He watches, bemused, while Sonny cradles his arm in agony with a crimson mask on his face.
Woodbridge: This ain’t no catfight, these women are kicking the shit out of each other.
Ro nails Victoria with a spinning kick that knocks her down and sends the toilet seat flying off into the crowd. Victoria rolls onto her stomach as Ro stalks her. Ro grabs her by the hair and starts pulling Victoria to her feet. But Victoria cuts her off with a handful of freedom powder! Ro stumbles back, blinded.
Paisner: Well the vile apple doesn’t fall far from the vainglorious tree.
Vic jumps with shock. Before he can react, Victoria boots Ro in the gut and nails her with a stump pulling piledriver on the stage!
Crowd: OOOOHHHHH!!
Paisner: Vainglorious driver!
Vic hops out of the ring and starts to run up the ramp to get his mother or check on his wife, but Victoria stops him.
Victoria: Wait right there, Victor!
Vic stops in his tracks as his mother puts her hand down the front of her tights and pulls out a tattered old teddy bear, missing an ear, an eye and a limb and holds it up in front of her son. Vic stops in his tracks and stares in stunned disbelief. He is struck mute for a few seconds, until…