Sports Gambling - LiveAbout

40 Best Songs of All Times About Poker, Dice, Cards and Addiction

40. Go Down Gamblin’ - Blood Sweat and Tears

Released in 1971, Go Down Gamblin’ by Blood Sweat and Tears is a song describing a gambler who is “born a natural loser.” He never wins, no matter what game he plays, but, he doesn’t feel like a loser. As the song goes – “Cause I've been called a natural lover by that lady over there, Honey, I'm just a natural gambler but I try to do my share.”

39. Gambler - Madonna

Gambler is a song written and played by Madonna, made for the film Vision Quest. Although the song reached the top 10 in the charts of the UK, Australia, Belgium, Ireland, Netherlands, and Norway, Madonna performed it only once on her 1985 The Virgin Tour. It’s a catchy song, we suggest you play it as you spin the reels of some of your favourite retro online slots.

38. The House of the Rising Sun - The Animals

Our list wouldn’t be complete without the 1964 hit song - The House of the Rising Sun by The Animals. Everybody knows the famous lines ”My mother, she was a tailor, sewed these new blue jeans, my father was a gamblin' man way down in New Orleans.” This single had a major success and made it to the top 10 songs on mainstream rock radio stations in the USA. Likewise, the hit was featured in the video game Guitar Hero Live.

37. The Winner Takes It All - ABBA

Whether we admit it or not, we all love at least some songs played by the very well-known Swedish pop group, ABBA. According to some sources, Bjorn Ulvaeus wrote the 1980 hit song The Winner Takes It All which was inspired by his divorce to his fellow band member, Agnetha Fältskog. The winner takes it all is a sort of a comparison to a divorce (especially the part ”I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too, nothing more to say, no more ace to play”), where one of them is the winner and the other one is left with nothing. And things are just the same when it comes to gambling, so we’ve decided to put the song on our list.

36. Shape of my Heart - Sting

We’re all aware of the fact that our gambling behaviour can be influenced by certain types of music and that's because online gambling and music go hand in hand. So, we suggest you start playing your preferred games with one of everyone’s favourite songs by Sting called The Shape of my Heart. It was released in 1993 and used for the end credits of the film Léon. In one of his interviews, Sting explained that the lyrics of the song tell the story of a card player who places bets not in order to win but to figure out something that’s been bothering him - “some kind of scientific, almost religious law.”

35. All I Wanna Do Is Play Cards - Corb Lund

“Well, I guess I really oughta be makin up songs but all I wanna do is play cards. I know it's dumb and sick and wrong but all I wanna do is play cards. Got the studio booked in Tennessee, and my record producer's callin me, the tape will roll in just three weeks and all I wanna do is play cards.” Does it sound familiar? It’s a 2005 hit by Corb Lund called All I Wanna Do Is Play Cards, once you hear it you’ll be playing it on repeat.

34. Gambling Man - The Overtones

When you’re falling in love, it’s perfectly normal to feel like you want to gamble everything just to attract that person’s attention to notice you and love you back. Well, Gambling Man is a lively 2010 song that tells a story of a guy fascinated with his love, so he places all his bets on her, as the song goes - “I played my hand, I rolled the dice, now I'm paying for my sins, I got some bad addiction.” This time, he feels that this love affair is different from any other – “Baby, it's you, yeah, yeah, that's right.” The song was released in 2010 and has been popular ever since.

33. Poker Face - Lady Gaga

Although the Poker Face song is more about the game of romance rather than the game of poker, the catchy refrain that starts with “Can't read my, no he can't read my poker face” kinda reminds us of winning at the tables, so we couldn’t skip it this time. Released in 2008, the song achieved worldwide success, topping the charts in the USA, the UK, Australia, Canada and several European countries.

32. Little Queen of Spades - Robert Johnson

Moving on to the Little Queen of Spades, a song title by the American blues musician Robert Johnson who recorded the song in 1937 and first released it in 1938. The first version of this gambling-themed song has a playing time of 2:11, whereas the second one lasts 4s longer (2:15), and is considered an alternate take and first appeared on Johnson's album The Complete Recordings, in 1990.

31. Train of Consequences - Megadeth

Another great song Train of Consequences is the title created by Megadeth, released as the first single from their sixth studio album Youthanasia in 1994. The song was later included on their compilation albums and its music video was the 26th most played video on MTV. There’s this part of the song “No horse ever ran as fast as the money that you bet, I'm blowing on my cards and I play them to my chest” – which is about a person’s gambling problem, who realises something’s wrong with this lifestyle, but it still hunts him down. Could be just the thrill, but he just can’t stop playing.
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30. Gambler - Whitesnake

Released on the album Slide It In (1984) and appearing on the compilation album Gold (2006), Gambler is the song by the British hard rock band Whitesnake. These words may sound familiar - “No fame or fortune, no luck of the draw, when I dance with the Queen of Hearts, a jack of all trades, a loser in love, it's tearing my soul apart”. And in case you’ve never heard it, we think you should give it a shot, the chances are you’re going to love it!

29. Gambling Man - Woody Guthrie

Now here’s one single from 1957 - Gamblin' Man. The song was taped live at the London Palladium and published as a double A side, with Puttin' On the Style. Reaching #1 in the UK Singles Chart in the summer 1957, it was “the last UK number 1 to be released on 78 rpm format only, as 7' vinyl had become the norm by this time.” Written by Woody Guthrie and Donegan, this gambling themed song was produced by Alan Freeman and Michael Barclay.

28. Roll of the Dice - Bruce Springsteen

According to Songfacts, Roll of the Dice was the first Springsteen’s song he didn’t write by himself. In fact, E Street Band’s pianist Roy Bittan helped with the music, while Springsteen was in charge of the lyrics, starting with – “Well I've been a losin' gambler, just throwin' snake eyes, Love ain't got me downhearted. I know up around the corner lies, My fool's paradise in just another roll of the dice.” After he broke up the E Street Band in October 1989, Springsteen wrote lyrics for the Roll of the Dice (with two other songs) and liked them to the point where he began writing and recording more songs.

27. Queen of Diamonds - Tom Odell

Here’s one song about a gambling fanatic who’s trying to satisfy his own addiction but also someone else, hoping it’s going to save him. Released in 2018, Queen of Diamonds is Tom Odell’s song from the album Jubilee Road, based on the local characters that inspired this British songwriter to include the whisky-soaked gamblers who regularly visited one betting shop.

26. The Angel and the Gambler - Iron Maiden

Now, this song may divide Iron Maiden fans and it’s most probably because of its repetitive lyrics that can be a bit annoying. The release we’re talking about is The Angel and the Gambler. Truth be told, the melody in general is very catchy and, even a bit similar to The Who in some moments. As the song was released in 1998 while Blaze Bayley was its frontmen, it’s missing the well-known high-pitch vocals from Bruce Dickinson.

25. Ramblin' Gamblin Man - Bob Seger

We’re moving on to a rock single from 1978 - Ramblin' Gamblin Man by Bob Seger. The author meets an old acquaintance, a professional gambler who happens to be a swagger. As such, he attracts people’s attention whenever he bets. Putting so much of his faith in the cards (rather than in people), he walks away every time, just before avoiding loss. Along the way, the narrator realises that, if you scratch beneath the surface, you’ll find he’s a very cynical man, who will never change.
Another gambling-themed song worth mentioning by Bob Seger is Still The Same.

24. Blow Up The Pokies - The Whitlams

Blow up the Pokies is the next song on our list, played by The Whitlams. It is the second single by the group from their 4th studio album, Love This City. Released in the year 2000, the song became a hit and made it to number 21 on the ARIA Singles Chart. According to several resources, the lyrics written by singer Tim Freedman were inspired by the destruction he saw in original Whitlams bassist Andy Lewis's life, due to his gambling addiction.

23. A Good Run of Bad Luck - Clint Black

Now here’s one 1994-song packed with gambling-related terms. As you listen to A Good Run of Bad Luck, recorded by American music artist Clint Black, you'll have a bit of fun as you try identifying what all these gambling terms mean. The song is a bit fast and is about falling in love by using gambling metaphors. The main character is willing to spend a lot of money to win his special lady over and, although he has had a period of bad luck, he is not giving up – “I've been to the table, and I've lost it all before, I'm willin' and able, always comin' back for more.”

22. When You’re Hot, You’re Hot - Jerry Reed

Jerry Reed won a Grammy for the song When You’re Hot, You’re Hot which was released in 1971. Most people remember it as it was a major hit, ranked as number 1 in the country charts, also making its way up the Pop Top 40. It’s an enjoyable novelty song about the ups and downs of the gambling life, about one’s winning streak caught in an illegal game of Crap.
Country star Jerry Reed also came up with a version The Uptown Poker Club in 1973.

21. Lawyers, Guns and Money - Warren Zevon

Next one up - Lawyers, Guns and Money is a song by Warren Zevon, the closing track on his album Excitable Boy, released in 1978. An edited version of this song was distributed as a single and found itself on the A Quiet Normal Life best of compilation on the CD and LP. The song goes like this - “I went home with a waitress the way I always do, how was I to know she was with the russians, too? I was gambling in Havana, I took a little risk Send lawyers, guns, and money Dad, get me out of this, hiyah!”
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20. The Lottery Song - Harry Nilsson

According to the man in the 1972 pop-rock song The Lottery Song by Harry Nilsson, there's more than one way to get to Vegas. Addressing his lover, the narrator mentions a few different options for buying a ticket and going to Sin City – “We could win the lottery we could go to Vegas,” and “We could wait till summer, we could save our money” as well as “We could make a record, sell a lot of copies, we could play Las Vegas.”

19. Casino Queen - Wilco

Now here’s one black-humoured gambling-themed song, released in 1995 and titled after a casino. Featuring a dirty electric guitar, Casino Queen was composed by an American songwriter, Jeff Tweedy, who wrote this song after playing a game in a riverboat casino accompanied by his dad. Inspired by the event, the author wrote: “Casino Queen my lord you're mean, I've been gambling like a fiend on your tables so green.”

18. Have a Lucky Day - Morphine

Another song on our list that you simply must check out starts like this: “I feel lucky, I just feel that way, I'm on a bus to Atlantic City later on today. Now I'm sitting at a blackjack table and swear to God the dealer has a tag says, "Mabel." Hit me, hit me! I smile at Mabel, soon they're bringing complimentary drinks to the table.” Check it out yourself - it’s called Have a Lucky Day by Morphine.

17. Kentucky Gambler - Merle Haggard

Written by Dolly Parton and released in 1974, Merle Haggard’s Kentucky Gambler is another song on our ultimate gambling playlist that you should pay attention to. It’s about a miner from Kentucky who leaves his family to gamble, under the bright lights of Reno. Unsurprisingly, his winning streak comes to an end, and he loses all his winnings. All broke, he decided to return back home only when he arrived, he found out his wife was involved with someone else.

16. The Jack - AC/DC

The next song on our list will give you some adrenaline boost, for sure. It goes like this - “She gave me the queen, she gave me the king, she was wheelin' and dealin', just doin' her thing, she was holdin' a pair, but I had to try…” Sounds familiar? This song from the 1975s is called The Jack and is played by AC/DC and there’s no way you can skip it.

15. Blackjack - Ray Charles

Moving on to something a bit different - a melody that blackjack lovers can listen to as they play is Ray Charles’ Blackjack. Apart from being a good quality song from 1955, it carries an important message with an emphasis on how brutal the game of blackjack can be. Some sources say that Ray Charles wrote it after beating T-Bone Walker at a blackjack game session.
Yet another Ray Charles’ famous song about gambling is called a Losing Hand.

14. Ooh Las Vegas - Gram Parson

“Ooh, Las Vegas, ain't no place for a poor boy like me”... is a song-into for Ooh Las Vegas which was written by Gram Parsons and Ric Grech. It was first released by Gram Parsons with Emmylou Harris in 1974. Playing this song would be perfect for the beginning of the road trip (i.e. to Las Vegas), especially if you have the energy to sing along.

13. The Stranger - Leonard Cohen

Published in 1968 and performed by Leonard Cohen, The Stranger appears in the The Ernie Game movie about a man released from a mental asylum. More appropriately, it is the perfect opening song in the 1971 Western McCabe & Mrs Miller, in which Warren Beatty plays a gambler. As you listen to this song (without watching the movie), it makes you see fascinating images of card games, smoky dreams, and concepts of risk versus safety.

12. Desperado - Eagles

Written by Glen Frey and Don Henley, Desperado song is one of The Eagles’ greatest hits from their 1973 album of the same name. The song features a classic tune while the ballad tells the story of a lone wolf imprisoned by his loneliness. As for the lyrics, they have loads of card references mentioning the queen of diamonds, the queen of hearts, and so on.

11. Huck's Tune - Bob Dylan

The next song on our list is about the risks of poker, money, and relationships, which are precisely what the movie Lucky You is all about. Does it ring a bell? That’s right, this 2007 song is called Huck’s Tune and is performed by Bob Dylan. Each of us can all relate to lines "You push it all in, and you've no chance to win, you play 'em on down to the end." Play the song and you’ll enjoy more than 4 amazing minutes of Bob Dylan.
Likewise, Bob Dylan recorded Rambling, Gambling Willie and Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts, both excellent and both inspired by gambling.
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10. Four Little Diamonds - Electric Light Orchestra

A song by the British rock band Electric Light Orchestra Four Little Diamonds was released in 1983 and found itself on the album Secret Messages. The single wasn’t so popular in the US, being only 2 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100 chart, at number 86, and number 84 in the UK. This song refers to the singer’s cheating lover who tricked him out of a ring which had 'four little diamonds' on it.

9. You Can't Beat The House - Mark Knopfler

Moving on to our next choice for the day, You Can’t Beat the House. It’s the third song on the Get Lucky studio album released in 2009 by British singer-songwriter and guitarist Mark Knopfler. The album and the songs received favorable reviews with the album reaching the top three positions on album charts in Denmark, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Norway, and Poland. The singer’s divine voice combined with beautiful music and lyrics goes like this – “You can't bear the house, you can't bear the house, tell the man somebody, you can't beat the house.”

8. Deck of Cards - Don Williams

Deck of Cards is a recitation song that tells the story of a soldier who gets caught while playing cards in church and then faces a sentence from a superior officer. The soldier defends his case, explaining he wasn't about to deal a hand of poker, but was rather confirming his faith with the cards. Performed by T. Texas Tyler, the song managed to become a major hit in the 1940s and 1950s. Also, Wink Martindale had an even bigger hit with his 1959 cover, with a successful version by Don Williams featuring Tex Ritter and Buddy Cole.

7. Gambler’s Blues - B.B. King

First recording of the song Gambler’s Blues by B.B. King was in 1966, and it was released in 1967. The song appears on the album Back in the Alley (1970). Some say gambling and blues go hand in hand, so if you (gambling fans) haven’t heard it, listen and see for yourself.

6. Tumbling Dice - Rolling Stones

One of our favourite songs on the list is Tumbling Dice, written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. It tells the story of a gambler who can’t remain faithful to any woman. Being released in the 1970s and featuring a blues boogie-woogie rhythm, the song was and still is one of the greatest singles of all time.
Rolling Stones also recorded Casino Boogie, and it’s from their 1972 album, Exile on Main St.

5. Luck Be A Lady - Frank Sinatra

The next song on our list is about a gambler who hopes that he will win a bet, the outcome of which will decide whether he is able to save his relationship with the girl of his dreams. You probably know what song we’re talking about; it’s called Luck be a Lady released in 1965 and performed by one of the most popular musical artists - Frank Sinatra.

4. Deal - Grateful Dead

Next one up is the song Deal. It was first performed by the Grateful Dead in 1971, as a regular part of the repertoire through their 1970's tour. Although being less common to the fans during the 1990s, the band continued to perform it. The singer opens with the message: “Since it cost a lot to win and even more to lose you and me bound to spend some time wondering what to choose,” that later kicks off with a chorus: “Don't let your deal go down...”
Loser is another song first performed by the Grateful Dead in 1971 as well, heavily played during 1971 and 1972.

3. Ace of Spades - Motörhead

Ok, the next song is loaded with some great gambling verses like "The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say, I don't share your greed, the only card I need is the Ace of Spades" will definitely set you in the right mood for hitting some winning combinations. Released in 1980, the song was inspired by slot machines that the lead singer Ian Fraser “Lemmy” Kilmister played in London pubs.

2. Viva Las Vegas - Elvis

As soon as you start playing the second song from our playlist “Viva Las Vegas,” you’ll probably picture a huge casino and a great gaming atmosphere. Performed by the legendary Elvis Presley, the 1964-released song brings the glamour of the city, and its beat will get you in the mood for some serious gameplay. This song was written for the movie of the same name starring Elvis Presley, in which he plays a race car driver waiting tables at a hotel to pay off a debt. There’s this famous scene when he performs this song at the talent competition alongside many showgirls.

1. The Gambler - Kenny Rogers

Performed by the legendary country singer Kenny Rogers, The Gambler song is our number 1 - it's full of some betting advice that are relevant today, even though it was released more than 40 years ago, in 1978. Here’s how it goes… “If you're gonna play the game, boy you gotta learn to play it right, you've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.” These classic chorus lines were told from the first-person perspective inspired by a conversation the author had with an experienced poker player on a train. Written in the form of poker metaphors, Schlitz wrote the tune in honor of his late father.
Johnny Cash is also among other musicians who recorded The Gambler in 1978, on Gone Girl.

What do you think? Which one is your favourite?

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The Devil's Advocate: An Argument FOR and AGAINST Every Horse in the Kentucky Derby

With the Kentucky Derby just over a week away, the field is shaping up to be one of the more evenly matched groups in recent years. Often the most overanalyzed 2 minutes in sports, there are countless articles telling you who to bet, who’s hot, and who’s not. Like many others, I’ve been spending a lot of my free time pouring over PPs, watching replays at the office (shh), and trying to find the likeliest winners. However, instead of simply writing an article about who I like, I thought it would be more interesting to give a brief argument for and against each horse in the Derby.
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This ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated, so feel free to skim over horses or buckle down for a long read. It’s a bit of a different take, so I hope you enjoy.
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Tacitus:
+ Tacitus is impeccably bred, by Tapit out of the stakes winning mare Close Hatches, and has improved in every start. He proved the Tampa Derby victory was no fluke when he displayed an ability to overcome adversity after getting knocked sideways at the break in the Wood Memorial.
- Tacitus came home very slow in the Wood, running a final 3/8ths in 38.2 seconds and a final 1f in 13.4 seconds. There have only been 3 horses to win the Derby who did not run a final 3f in at least 38 seconds or a final 1f in at least 13 seconds in the last 29 years (Animal Kingdom, Mine That Bird, and Silver Charm). 22 of the past 29 Derby winners qualified on both fractions. He also benefitted from a long shot significantly compromising some of his competition at the break.
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Omaha Beach:
+ Despite taking some time to break his maiden, once the light bulb turned on for this horse nobody has been able to beat him. He owns the field’s second highest Beyer at 101, highest Thorograph figure at -2, and is proven over a fast and sloppy track. Mike Smith chose this horse over a very strong Baffert candidate in Roadster despite his connection with Baffert.
- Omaha Beach has peaked too early, and is a very strong bounce candidate in the Derby. His most recent thorograph figure of a -2 represents a 4 point jump from his previous top, and from 1995 onwards 64.3% of horses who ran a -2 or better in their final prep have significantly regressed in the Derby. As the likely favorite coming off of 2 very strenuous efforts, he is a play against.
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Vekoma:
+ Vekoma ran arguably the best race of any 2-year-old in the Nashua, and looked very strong in the Bluegrass. He sat too close to a scorching pace in the Fountain of Youth first off the bench, but came right back with a solid win. He has the right run style to sit just off the pace and make his move, so he should be able to avoid trouble in a crowded field like the Derby pending the draw. A step forward is possible third off the layoff.
- Vekoma, like Tacitus, does not qualify on the final fractions theory, coming home in a pedestrian 39.4 / 13.4 seconds for the final 3f / 1f in the Bluegrass. He is an ugly mover, as he runs with a paddling motion with his front legs, and the bottom half of his pedigree with Speightstown as a damsire suggests 10f will be too far for him. He also was the main beneficiary of a strong speed bias at Keeneland that day for his final prep.
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Plus Que Parfait:
+ Plus Que Parfait is the only horse in the field proven at a distance greater than 9f on dirt, as he convincingly won the ~9.5f UAE Derby. His pedigree suggests he should love the extra ground of the Derby. He was able to close into a track known for a speed bias, even in spite of a new surface.
- No horse who has used the UAE Derby as their Kentucky Derby prep has ever run in the top 3 in the Kentucky Derby, with the best finish coming being fifth in 2011. The race is historically a terrible prep for the Run for the Roses, and this year’s field seems even weaker than usual. PQP was routinely trounced by local US competition and had to ship abroad to face inferior horses to even make the gate.
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Roadster:
+ Roadster was the horse Baffert was most excited about as a 2 year old, earning him the nickname of “The TMZ horse.” He has been a monster since getting throat surgery to fix a breathing issue, and has beaten the consensus “top” Baffert horse in Game Winner in the SA Derby. He’s shown versatility in his running style, displaying an ability to close last out but also possessing the tactical speed to avoid trouble. He has every right to improve in his third start as a 3 year old.
- Roadster was the beneficiary of a very poor trip from his main rival, Game Winner, who ended up going 4 wide around both turns in a short field. Roadster still barely got up to win by a half-length, and his thorograph number of 2.25 was actually 2 points worse than Game Winner (0.25). Roadster’s last 2 wins have come in fields of 6 and 5 horses, respectively, and he will now have to navigate 19 other horses. Mike Smith defects to Omaha Beach despite a strong connection with Baffert, and this horse will likely be a short price on Derby day due to the recent hype.
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By My Standards:
+ By My Standards has been really turning heads in the mornings since getting to Churchill with some very impressive workouts. He comfortably won the Louisiana Derby at a big price, recording an impressive Beyer of 97. He has rapidly improved his last 2 starts, and another move forward makes him competitive with the best in this field.
- The Louisiana Derby has not produced a Kentucky Derby winner since Grindstone in 1996, and is historically a weak prep compared to the others. By My Standards caught a weak field and was very fortunate when the heavy favorite, War of Will, took a bad step in the early part of the race and failed to fire his usual effort. By My Standards has lost against mediocre horses multiple times before this, and it’s more likely his Louisiana Derby effort was a flash in the pan against a weak field than a true coming out party.
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Maximum Security:
+ Maximum Security enters the Derby as the only undefeated horse in the field. Since the adoption of the Kentucky Derby points system, every Derby winner has gone undefeated in their 3 year old season. He owns the field’s highest Beyer at 102, and the co-second highest Beyer of 101, and is the only horse with multiple 100+ Beyer races on his resume. His thorographs are strong despite never being asked for his best. He has the right running style for the Derby, with a lot of early speed but not the type to need the lead, and he has yet to even be challenged by his competition.
- Maximum Security is in significantly over his head. The horse debuted for a 16k claiming tag, and he wasn’t even claimed. Servis then pointed him to a restricted starter allowance race, which he won easily. Despite two monster victories, Servis, a clever and high percentage trainer, still did not point him to a stakes or prep race, but instead brings him back in yet another starter allowance race. Servis is an intelligent trainer, and he tried giving this horse away in his debut, and then only thought enough of him to enter him in two separate restricted starter allowance races despite large victories. When he finally entered stakes company in the Florida Derby, he got to walk the dog on the lead and set absolutely laughable fractions, so slow that a maiden was able to finish second simply by being near the lead. This is a horse who is just happy to be here and will fold with any real pace pressure going 10f.
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Game Winner:
+ Game Winner is the most battle tested and consistent horse in the field. He had a tough trip in the SA Derby going 4 wide where he was likely not cranked all the way up, and his Rebel Effort was impressive for the first race off a layoff losing an incredibly close photo to the likely Derby favorite Omaha Beach. He should love the extra ground, and goes out for a trainer who knows a thing or two about getting his horses peaking at the right time.
- Game Winner has not exactly lived up to his name, as he’s been runner up twice in both of his starts as a 3 year old after being undefeated as a juvenile. The horses Game Winner was beating as a 2 year old have proven to be relatively weak moving into their 3 year old season. No other runner in the Breeder’s Cup Juvenile even made the Kentucky Derby starting gate, with Signalman being closest listed as an Also Eligible. It could be fair to say that Game Winner may have matured a bit faster than his competition at 2, but now the field has caught up and he may have ceded an edge to the other top California based horses. He is the likeliest candidate in the field to hit the board, but it’s questionable if he will have that final kick to come in first.
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Code of Honor:
+ Code of Honor ran a respectable third in a snails-paced Florida Derby where nobody was making up any ground. He goes out for top tier connections, and he has a jockey on board who is known for his ground saving trips. He has more tactical speed than some of the other deep closers in this field, so he should get first jump on the tiring leaders before the likes of Country House and Win Win Win can make their move.
- Code of Honor was the lucky beneficiary of an absolute pace meltdown in his Fountain of Youth victory, and in another 2 jumps Bourbon War was blowing right by him. He has not significantly improved on his thorograph 2 year old top, and would need a big jump forward coupled with a clean trip and a pace meltdown to even have a chance. There are other stalkers with more front speed than him and other closers with a better final kick.
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Haikal:
+ Haikal has done little wrong in his career, with a record of 5: 3-1-1. He proved his Gotham score wasn’t a fluke by running a respectable third in the Wood, and he has one of the best closing kicks in the field. If the West’s elect to use MS as a rabbit and the pace heats up, look for him late.
- Haikal has managed to outrun his pedigree this far, but this is as far as talent will take him. A half-brother to Takaful, the 2017 G1 Vosburgh Sprint winner, this is a horse at his best running in a one turn mile or shorter. He was one of the few not significantly impacted by the poor start in the Wood, yet was still soundly beaten by the top two finishers.
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Improbable
+ An early Derby favorite, Improbable’s only two losses have come by a combined length and a quarter with good excuses. He was very wide in both turns in the Rebel when getting nailed by Long Rang Toddy at the wire, and he acted up badly in the gate of the Arkansas when loading first and having to wait while trying blinkers for the first time. His natural ability and raw talent put him near the top of this field, and he has the second highest thorograph in the field with a -1. Any repeat of that effort or slight improvement is probably good enough to win.
- Improbable is another who is pedigree challenged to get the distance. City Zip is notorious for siring sprinters, and while the bottom side of his pedigree has stamina, his top side is pure speed. He gets yet another new rider, his third in three races. Baffert removes the blinkers after trying them last out, and you never like to see equipment changes trying to figure out a horse in the first Saturday in May.
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War of Will
+ Draw a line through War of Will’s last race, as he lost all chance when he lost action in the first 100 yards. Outside of that, you have a horse who is undefeated on dirt, possesses a great stalking run style, and is bred to run for days. Proven over fast and off tracks, he has steadily improved and paired 1s on thorograph until the Louisiana Derby.
- War of Will breaks just about every Derby rule of thumb regarding final prep before the race. Final fraction, ground loss, finish no worse than fourth, he fails them all. Couple that with the chance that he is not 100% after the Louisiana Derby incident, and he becomes a horse who is very hard to trust.
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Long Range Toddy
+ Long Rang Toddy is a horse who always tries his heart out. Toss his last race where he may not have cared for the slop, and you have a horse who is ultra-consistent and ever improving. He bested Improbable, one of the Baffert monsters, in the Rebel, and then likely bounced a bit in his last race. Another new top here could make him dangerous, as he projects to sit a good stalking trip.
- Long Range Toddy is a heartwarming story of a Remington Park horse making the Derby, but he just isn’t good enough. He only has one Beyer in the 90s, and even his best thorograph of 4 is significantly weaker than most of the field. He got lucky with a dream trip and a great ride to beat Improbable in the Rebel.
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Tax:
+ Tax has seen massive improvement since Danny Gargan claimed him out of a maiden claiming $50,000 race back in October. He stumbled badly in the Withers yet came very strong to fight on and get the win. This horse is very game and has moved forward with each start. He was a good second to Tacitus in the Wood, and the result may have been different if Tacitus did not lean on him and induce him to the rail.
- Tax got a great trip in the Wood, as he was not dramatically impacted by the poor start and sat a perfect stalking trip behind two dueling leaders. Despite that, he still could not hold off Tacitus, who had a tougher trip all around. His final fractions are too slow, and he is simply an inferior version of Tacitus.
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Cutting Humor:
+ Cutting Humor comes from the highly respected Pletcher barn after an impressive win over well-regarded Anothertwistafate in the Sunland Derby. His final 3f and 1f fractions are the fastest of any horse in the field today, and he is coming off a big effort. He gets 6 weeks rest to recover from that, making another big effort possible.
- Cutting Humor was beaten soundly in the Southwest Stakes at Oaklawn, and he had to go to a much easier spot to secure his place in the starting gate on May 4th. No winner of the Sunland Derby has even won the Kentucky Derby, with Mine That Bird being the only horse to prep at Sunland and win the Kentucky Derby at odds of 50-1. His final fraction times are artificially inflated due to how fast the track was playing that day, evidenced by his “just okay” Beyer of 95.
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Win Win Win:
+ Win Win Win ran a lightning fast race in the Pasco Stakes at Tampa, and a repeat of that effort makes him very dangerous here. His last few losses have come with excuses, as he broke very slowly and was very wide in the Tampa Derby while favored over Tacitus. In the Bluegrass, he was the only horse to make up ground on the speed favoring track all day, and he was steadied badly while entering the stretch. It was very impressive to make up ground after losing all momentum, and he may have won that race with a better trip.
- Win Win Win can’t get out of his own way. He repeatedly breaks very poorly from the gate and has morphed from a horse running near the lead into a dead closer. He has a penchant for troubled trips, and his best races have come in shorter races. Julien Pimentel and Michael Trombetta are a respectable jockey/trainer pair, but they are outclassed against the best connections in the country.
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Country House:
+ Country House has one of the best closing kicks in this entire field. He has been a bit of a slow learner, as he often breaks slow and lugged in down the stretch, but he has matured with every start. He may have run down War of Will if not for some green racing down the stretch in the Risen Star. He has never been out of the money in all his tries on dirt and looms a major threat when turning for home.
- Ultra-deep closers like Country House are massively disadvantaged in the Kentucky Derby since the inception of the points system, and Country House routinely spots the field 10 lengths from the onset. There is not a lot of early pace signed on in this field, and he would need an absolute pace meltdown with a dream trip to have a chance of getting the win. He lost ground in the stretch run of the Arkansas Derby to both Omaha Beach and Improbable, never something you want to see from your deep closer.
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Gray Magician:
+ Gray Magician took a nice step forward when switching to the Peter Miller barn and stretching out in distance and moved forward again when going from the 1-mile races in California to the 1900m UAE Derby. It’s quite possible he further improves adding another furlong at Churchill. He has some tactical speed, so he could sit a nice trip just off the leaders to avoid trouble.
- He’s simply too slow. His career best Beyer is nearly 20 points slower than the top contenders here, and he was embarrassed when facing competition in California who weren’t good enough to even make the Derby trying US preps. The UAE Derby was very weak, and it is a poor prep even with a strong field.
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Spinoff:
+ Spinoff was very impressive in his 3-year-old debut, winning by daylight in a Tampa allowance race before running a respectable second in the Louisiana Derby. He has the perfect run style, listed as an E/P 7 (pace pressing) on Brisnet, which has produced the most Derby winners in recent years (Justify, American Pharoah, California Chrome). His pedigree suggests he should handle the distance, and he’s lightly raced and eligible to continue improving.
- Todd Pletcher, an unquestionably excellent trainer, boasts a record of 2 for 49 in the Kentucky Derby. Velasquez, the routine first call pilot for the Pletcher barn and normal rider of Spinoff, ends up on Code of Honor instead. In the Louisiana Derby, Spinoff had every right to win that race turning for home and instead was easily passed by a 22-1 maiden facing winners for the first time in By My Standards. He is not as battle tested as others, so he may not respond well to the large field and massive crowd at Churchill.
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Master Fencer:
+ Master Fencer is the only horse in the field to have run 10 furlongs, not once but twice, albeit on the turf. He finished second and fourth in those efforts while not embarrassing himself in either.
- Master Fencer is just a horse who is happy to be here, as his presence opens the Derby to Japanese betting markets. Foreign horses typically do terribly in the Derby, he is a dead closer, and he wasn’t even Japan’s top point earner. In fact, there were 3 Japanese horses ahead of him in the points standings, all of whom declined the invitation to the Derby. He was beaten by Derma Louvre in the Hyacinth, who went on to run a non-threatening 4th in the UAE Derby.
Edit: thank you kind internet strangers for the silver and gold! My first of each!
submitted by ScottRevere to horseracing [link] [comments]

What would you like to see in future add-ons.

Just wondering what you guys would like to see in future add-ons that are sort of like wastelanders?
I'd really love to see this game becoming an evolving fallout and have episodes sorta like the telltale games where your choices (obviously since it's an online game, I'm guessing they won't be that crazy) are followed throughout each "episode".
The settlement has a leader already and if you want, you could raid it/want leadership and take it over. Settlements could be dying and slaved if you're with the Raiders which gives people on the other faction a reason to take it over.
So, let's say in a year in a half; we get Fallout 76: Enclaves Return
(not necessarily The enclave, just an example) I'd rather have this then mods for private worlds to be honest.
or would you rather just wait for Fallout 5? Or maybe a Fallout 1 remake
What would you guys like to see?
Edit: Got a whole bunch of ideas and edited the post! It's a lot to take in and my grammar is pretty awful so I apologize.
submitted by xxck47 to fo76 [link] [comments]

Preview of the Pegasus World Cup and more

We will be solely focused on Gulfstream Park in Hallandale Beach, Fla. as the two richest races in the country are set to be run.
The co-featured races include the $9 million Pegasus World Cup for four year olds and up, and the inaugural running of the $7 million Pegasus World Cup Turf, also for four year olds and up.
The entire Gulfstream card on Saturday is a blockbuster as they will run nine Stakes races all told and we will be examining six of them.
They include: The Gulfstream Park Sprint Stakes, which came up very competitive, the Hurricane Bertie, which will feature the 2019 debut of 2018 Female Champion Sprinter winner Shamrock Rose, the La Prevoyante Stakes, a marathon event for fillies and mares, and the Fred W Hooper, another well matched field going a mile on the dirt.
Before moving forward, as most of you know, I will do a now and again “Back-Track” segment and talk about what happened last weekend.
There was so much talent on display last weekend I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk about the five horses who were very impressive in their respective races.
In no particular order, Dessman, an enormous, roughly 1,250 pound, $750,000 son of Union Rags absolutely waltzed home a 7 ½ length winner in his debut. Albeit a bit green, I loved how he was moving down the lane, his stride is impeccible and he will only get better with experience. As Justify taught us last year, it’s not too late for this gorgeous bay colt to make the Derby.
Win Win Win was visually impressive coming from last, circling the field on the outside and blew the doors off his competitors in the Pasco Stakes. The son of Hat Trick won by 7 1/4 lengths. He didn’t just break the track record for seven furlongs while winning for the third time in four starts, he shattered it, getting the distance is 1:20.4 over a notoriously tiring Tampa Bay Downs surface.
Americandy was also impressive in breaking his maiden first time out at the Fair Grounds on Saturday. The colt by Candy Ride missed the break and was dead last at first call. He too unleashed a powerful run around “the hook” while going a ridiculous six wide, yet powered away from his rivals in winning by two “going away” lengths.
Also at the Fair Grounds, War of Will stalked the early pace, took over at the six furlong marker and cruised to an easy four length win in the Le Comte Stakes. He exudes class and I look forward to what this hybrid grass/dirt runner will do down the road.
The highly touted, $500,000 Flor de La Mar was no secret as she went off at 1/5 in her racing debut and lived up to the hype while decimating her rivals in her racing debut. The titanic filly, who outworked Dessman in the mornings, has a big, beautiful, long, loping stride that covers a ton of ground effortlessly, seems to have a really big future.
Lastly, crack sprinter X Y Jet got caught in protracted and wicked speed duel (:21 flat and :43.2) and understandably tired badly at the eighth pole. He’ll live to fight another day.
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Gulfstream Park
Race: 3 (12:30 PM EST Post)
Gulfstream Park Turf Sprint Stakes
This is a really good race, one where the break will be the key. That said, and even though he was run down in deep stretch by Stormy Liberal in the Breeders’ Cup Turf Sprint in November, I still think World of Trouble has a world of talent. Albeit he’s never run on a turf course labeled firm, he’s run huge in all three turf starts. The cut back in distance off his sloppy tracked, colossal margin win in his last should hit him right between the eyes here. A 23% Irad Ortiz Jr. takes the leg up from a scalding hot (12-32= 38%) Jason Servis and with no speed to his inside, he should be able to work out a good trip in this spot……………………..This race sets up very well for 2018 Champion Male Turf Horse Stormy Liberal. The now seven year old, stretch runner figures to “sit the trip” behind the plethora of speed in this spot and make his run down the lane. You can go ahead and throw out that last race on the downhill course at Santa Anita as he was too close to an insanely fast early pace (:42 half mile). The 4 for 4 record at this distance is impressive as is the bullet work (5F- :59.4) last week…a must use in any exotics betting scenarios……………………Pay Any Price is faster than a proverbial speeding bullet as he consistently rattles off sub :22 second first quarters and sub :45 second half miles. The nine year old veteran is an astounding 15 for 25 in his career including being a mind boggling 12 for 17 on this oval. A white hot Paco Lopez (5 for his last 16 through Wednesday of this week) is the perfect (speed) rider for this horse as well. He probably needed his troubled trip last as it was his first start in three months. Lastly, I did find it interesting that he has no published works since Dec. 19………………Honorable Mentions: Am I the only one who is intrigued that Recruiting Ready is making his turf debut against two of the nation’s best turf sprinters? It took me a minute but I think I see it. Note the one and only turf work he shows at Palm Meadows last week as it was tremendous; going 4F in :47.4 with dogs up. Perhaps trainer Stanley Hough, who is no babe in the woods, saw something there………………..My long-shot toss in is Oak Bluffs, who has shown next to nothing in four of his last five outings. But note he is a 16 time winner and this is clearly his favorite surface as his 10-3-5-0 record on this turf course would indicate. (My Play: $1 trifecta box using all five. Cost: $60.00)
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Race: 7 (2:30 PM EST Post)
Hurricane Bertie Stakes
Shamrock Rose was super impressive when coming “over the top” to pull off a colossal upset (26-1) in the Breeders’ Cup Filly and Mare Sprint in November. That win was her fourth straight to end 2018 and propelled her to an Eclipse Award for Champion Female Sprinter. This good looking daughter of the strapping First Dude, who is 2 for 2 at this distance, handled what appears to be her biggest threat in this race (Blamed) with ease back in October and she has been working very well for her 2019 debut.. She is no slam dunk in this spot as this track goes against the grain of her deep closer running style, but she might pick up where she left off last year …………….....………The aforementioned Blamed sports a very impressive 8-6-2-0 career mark. Filly by Blame wired the field in the Nov 23rd Comely Stakes in her swan song race of 2018. Although this will be her first start since, she has run well off of long breaks several times before…..looks next best………………………….The regally bred Dream Pauline is three for four in her career with all three wins coming on three different surfaces, so you have to like her adaptability. This filly by Tapit out of Grade: 1 Test Stakes winner Dream Rush will be stretching out to seven panels for the first time and stepping up in class as well, but she is another who is training well and you get the third start off the layoff angle…………………Honorable Mentions: If you draw a line through Stormy Embrace’s Breeders’ Cup debacle, you’ll see this five year old mare had a very strong 2018 (7-4-1-2). She has hit the board in 7 of 9 tries at this distance and 7 of 9 on the oval. That, readers, is consistency…..could conceivably better this rating……………………I had a difficult time separating Ms Meshak and Pacific Gale for the fifth slot in my “go to” five horse, trifecta box. I’m going to go with Ms Meshak based on the fact that she is batting .500 on this track and appears to be coming into this in good form while winning back to back races vs. lesser. (My Play: .50 trifecta box using the top five. Cost: $30.00)
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Race: 8 (3:00 PM EST Post)
La Prevoyante Stakes
Si Que Es Buena is an Argentinian import who rallied strongly from twelfth position early to finish fourth, beaten by just one length, in her U.S. debut in New York. She came back and overcame a mistimed move by her rider to gamely win a minor Stakes race on this turf course last time out. Although she didn’t break any track records and her speed figures were average at best, she still looks best in this wide open affair………………….Tricky Escape had a three race win streak snapped when probably overmatched in the Grade: 1 Flower Bowl back in October. She bounced back nicely off of that effort when finishing a close second in the Grade: 3 Long Island Stakes while finishing ahead of my top pick at the same time. The Grade: 3 level looks like her comfort zone, so she should be competitive here……………………………. Santa Monica disappointed while showing zilch in the Breeders’ Cup Filly and Mare Turf last time out. But this good looking, now six year old mare, had run bang up in all five previous U.S. starts and it would be no surprise if she bounces back and runs big here………………..Honorable Mentions: English Affair finished off 2018 strongly with a close up, third place finish at Keeneland, then overcame a slow pace to take the Cardinal Handicap at Churchill Downs. Threat if she picks up where she left off………………………..Although Holy Helena has never tried this distance before, she was a fast closing second behind my top pick at 1 3/16ths miles late time out. Filly by the wickedly fast Ghostzapper is 3 for 7 on the turf and has serious “back class” while winning the Queens Plate (Canadian Kentucky Derby) in 2017. (My play: .50 trifecta box, all 5. Cost $30.00)
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Race: 9 (3:30 PM EST Post)
Fred W. Hooper Stakes
Coal Front not only bounced back to his winning ways while blasting his rivals in the Grade: 3 “Mr. P” Stakes last time out, but did so by showing a new dimension. This speedy, $575,000 son of Stay Thirsty assumed a stalking position that day, took the lead on “the hook” and scampered away late to win by almost four lengths. I’m not worried he’ll be going a mile in this spot as a) he showed no signs of not being able to handle an extra furlong in the Mr. P and b) this is still a one turn race for this ridgling who is 5 for 7 in his career. It’ll be interesting to see the plan of attack here as we know he has excellent early speed and draws the rail, yet was successful using rating tactics last time out…………………Unbridled Juan won three of his last four in Maryland to close out 2018. Although this will be his first start in some 2 ½ months he does run well fresh and he likes this track as his 4-2-1-1 record over it would indicate………………………After winning 3 of 11 starts and $68,000 in 2017, Aztec Sense came back and had a “perfect” 2018 while winning all eight starts and over $400,000. His speed figures are on par or better than most of these and he mirrors Unbridled Juan in the sense he likes this track (3 for 4 over it) and he runs well fresh……..scary………………Honorable Mentions: Copper Town’s last race was too bad to be true. This good looking son of wide spectrum sire Speightstown blew through maidens and two allowance levels but completely mailed it in last time out in the Cigar Mile. He’s had 56 days off to “regroup” and it won’t surprise me at all if he outruns this rating…………………………My long-shot throw in is Fellowship, who has shown very little in his last several races while going just 1 for 10 in 2018. But he is back on his home track, where he has made over $500,000, and he is going to pop a big race one of these days. (My Play: .50 trifecta using all 5. Cost: $30.00)
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Race: 11 (4:30 PM EST Post)
Pegasus World Cup Turf Invitational Stakes
Yoshida looks the one to beat here as this now five year old is a Grade: 1 winner on the dirt (Woodward Stakes) and on the turf (Churchill Turf Classic)….that’s impressive. Also impressive was his Breeders’ Cup Classic effort. This Bill Mott trainee bobbled at the break and soon found himself near the back of the pack and some 14-15 lengths out of it. He then launched a brazen, six wide run on “the hook” and, although understandably hanging like a cheap suit in deep stretch, he was only beaten by less than two lengths behind Horse of the Year candidate Accelerate. He has worked well since over the notoriously deep track at Payson Park and this distance should be no problem at all. Slight edge in wide open horse race that features three females and several Grade: 1 winners…………………….In taking Yoshida, Catapult scares me. This $350,000 son of Kitten’s Joy had a very good, albeit brief, 2018 highlighted by just missing in the Breeders’ Cup Turf Mile last time out. He won back to back Grade: 2’s prior to that in California and finished both races in very quick final times. I’m not worried this will be his first start since the BC since a) I love his work pattern as he shows three stamina building, six furlong works topped off by solid five furlong works and b) he is still another who seems to run well fresh…..dangerous foe………………….Although Bricks and Mortar will be taking a major league class hike here and stretching out in distance, he is about 1 ½ lengths away from unbeaten in seven starts. This stretch runner by the late super sire Giant’s Causeway finished just inches behind Yoshida the two times they’ve squared off and he shows a monster work (5F- :59.2) at Palm Meadows last week……………………………….Honorable Mentions: If you draw a line through Next Share’s Breeders’ Cup Turf Mile debacle, you’ll see he’s won three straight including pulling off a major upset in the Grade: 1 Shadwell Turf Mile three starts back. In his current form, he could better this rating………………….A similar thing can be said for Channel Maker, who also showed little in the Breeders’ Cup Turf Mile but ran bang up in his three previous races, including winning a Grade: 1. ……………………..Delta Prince, who is a half brother to multiple Eclipse Champion, the late Royal Delta, returns to his preferred surface (turf) and has hit the board in 10 of 11 career tries, Aerolithe, a gray mare from Japan who sports a 13-4-5-0 record and gets the “dark horse” label in here and Magic Wand, a four year old filly who set the pace in the Breeders’ Cup Filly and Mare Turf and held well in deep stretch, all merit consideration…but you can’t play them all. (My Play: .50 trifecta box using the first five. Cost: $30.00)
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Race: 12 (5:00PM EST Post)
Pegasus World Cup Invitational Stakes
2018 Champion Older Male and Horse of the Year runner up Accelerate really needs no introduction as his 2018 season was remarkable. The now six year old son of two time champion Lookin’ at Lucky won six of seven starts including an eye popping five Grade: 1’s highlighted by the Breeders’ Cup Classic. Trainer John Sadler looks to have this chestnut “revved up” for swan song race as he shows three straight bullet works capped off by a visually impressive 5F in :58.4 this past week. …………………………Aside from possibly Enable and Newspaperofrecord, City of Light’s tour de force win the Breeders’ Cup Dirt Mile might have been THE most impressive win I saw throughout the entire Breeders’ Cup weekend. This gorgeous son of Quality Road broke running that day and never looked back. He too has run a hole in the wind in the morning since and he also should be “fully cranked up” here for his farewell race. That said, and even though he is 1 for 1 with a win over Accelerate at it, I don’t think nine furlongs is his best distance. From what I’ve seen his “wheel house” is between seven and eight and a half furlongs and that, readers, could play a part in the outcome. Past that, Castellano appears to be sitting on a keg of dynamite here……………………..I hate to put the drop dead gorgeous Audible this far down, I really do. I expect this $500,000 son of Into Mischief to be major force in the older make division in 2019 as, even though he severely disappointed at 1/5 in his last (prep) race for this, he has an enormous amount of talent. I generally don’t buy trainers excuses for losses but I am completely selling out on what trainer Todd Pletcher said about how “he didn’t handle the sealed/wet track.” Head hunters in New Guinea and lost tribes in the Amazon could see this colt struggling with the surface in that race especially leaving the three eighths pole and around “the hook”. Bottom line here is he is an exotics inclusion for me for sure…………………….Honorable Mentions: Gunnevera was jostled at the start of the Breeders’ Cup Classic but was coming hard, late and was just one length behind Accelerate in a super good effort. This big chestnut by Dialed In was charging hard, late behind Yoshida in the Woodward prior to that, so he is certainly in good form and clearly has ability. I like his work pattern coming into this also as he shows a steady line of stamina building works, signaling to me he might run big once again in this spot…………………..Patternrecognition comes into this razor sharp off three consecutive “coast to coast” scores in his last three, highlighted by taking down the Grade: 1 Cigar Mile in his last. They better not let him cruise on an easy lead or he may prove difficult to catch late…………………Just a few other notes about this race: I wonder which Bravazo will show up on Saturday? The one that got beat narrowly by Justify in the Preakness, you know, the same one who got beat by a neck in the Clark Handicap last time out or the one who lays an egg like in the Pennsylvania Derby back in September? Either way, as tough as he is, as he was the only horse other than Justify to run in all three Triple Crown races, that 2 for 11 record in 2018 just doesn’t do it for me………………………..Tom’s d’Etat has won 6 of 9 starts, including his last four in a row by a combined 22 lengths, vs. far, far lesser and his speed figures aren’t all that bad…………………..Mexican Triple Crown winner Kukulan, who is 14 for 14 in his career and no one has ever been close to beating him, should be fun to watch. His prep race was visually impressive to watch but his final time (1:54.4 for this nine furlong distance) and his speed figure that day (70), will get him blown away in this race. (My Play: .50 trifecta box using the first five. Cost: $30.00)
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By: Gerard Apadula
Director of Equine Operations and Development
Knights of the Round Stable Thoroughbred Racing Team
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[[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
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2019- Record: 4-11 = 36% (My Plays: -$258.05)
2018- Record: 107-261= 41%
2017- Record: 92-235 = 39%
2016- Record: 91-229 = 40%
2015- Record: 67-180 = 37%
2014- Record: 29-73 = 40%
2013- Record: 20-59= 34%
2012 -Record: 24-73= 33%
2011 –Record: N/A
2010- Record: 24-74= 33%
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Little Bets N’ Pieces
**** Four-time Eclipse Award champion Beholder delivered a bay filly by Curlin Jan. 19th at Spendthrift Farm in Lexington.
"Beholder had a very nice Curlin filly this afternoon, and we're happy to report both mother and foal are doing really well," said Ned Toffey, general manager at Spendthrift. "We couldn't be prouder of Beholder. She is such a professional and continues to perform beautifully in her second career as a broodmare. We've been very fortunate. The delivery was as normal and straightforward as you could ask for.
The filly was born at 4:25 p.m. and "jumped right up" according to Toffey. She is the second foal for Beholder, who had an Uncle Mo colt (named Q B One) last year.
Mating plans for Beholder in 2019 have yet to be announced.
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**** 2018 Two Year old Male Champion Game Winner had his second work of 2019 last Sunday at Santa Anita Park, breezing a half-mile in :48.3 for trainer Bob Baffert. The 3 year old son of Candy Ride is being pointed to the San Felipe Stakes on March 9th as his first start of the season.
“He'll get ready pretty quick,” Baffert said.
Other notables on the work tab last Sunday:
Coliseum, trained by Baffert and most recently finished sixth in the Sham after a bad start, breezed five furlongs from the gate in 1:00.4.
Improbable, also trained by Baffert, worked a half in :48 flat.
Instagrand, winner of the Best Pal Stakes in August, breezed a half-mile in 47.3.
Sham Stakes winner Gunmetal Gray breezed five furlongs in 1:02.4.
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**** …………Annnnnnnnnd finally in the occasional “This has nothing to do with Horse Racing” section.
UPS driver Ryan Arens was on his route shortly before Christmas when he pulled up to a house in Bozeman, Montana, and heard a dog in distress by a pond beyond the house where he was delivering.
"This dog was screaming and crying and going crazy," Arens said.
With the sun was nearly set, Arens couldn’t see anything. He delivered a package and then drove to the other side of the pond.
"I could see the dog trapped about 10-15 feet off of shore, with ice all around it," he said.
An older man was in a rowboat on the pond, trying with little success to chip away the ice to reach the dog.
"I stripped to my boxers and got the guy out of the boat. Then, I slid the boat out onto the ice, using it to distribute my weight," Arens said. "I shimmed out to where the ice was thin."
The ice gave way and Arens fell out of the boat and into the 16-feet-deep water. Since he was already wet and, with the "dog starting to go under," Arens started swimming quickly towards the dog.
He grabbed her collar and swam for the ice, sliding the dog across the ice to shore. He pulled himself out of the water and a bystander handed him a blanket.
"We took the dog inside the older guy's house and got in the shower together to warm up," he said.
About then, the sheriff's department and animal control arrived. Help was on the way, but "I knew someone had to get to her. She wasn't going to make it."
Despite his adventure and cuts on his leg, Arens finished his route, delivering 20 more packages.
"It was the highlight of my 14-year UPS career." Arebs said afterwards.
Arens found out where the dog's owner lived and happened to have a package to deliver to him. As he walked up, he saw the dog, whose name he learned is Sadie, in the guy's pickup.
"She was freaking out, and when he let her out she ran to me," he said. "She must have remembered me. It sure made me feel good."
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submitted by aspen222 to horseracing [link] [comments]

Preview of the Alabama Stakes; Pacific Classic and more

Saturday August 17, 2019
Saratoga Race Course
Race: 9 (5:26 PM EST Post)
Lake Placid
Regal Glory boasts impressive stats, including a 6-4-2-0 career record and back to back Stakes wins in her last two. With rain in the forecast, I’m not worried about her as she can handle any surface condition and this distance hits her squarely between the eyes…..my choice in a very well matched field………………………Blowout also sports impressive credentials in her short career as she is 5-2-3-0. Good looking filly by Dansili ran the best race of her life (92 BSF) on a turf course labeled “good”. Once again, with rain in the forecast, an off turf course could be right up her alley. I hate to sound like a broken record, but yes, trainer Chad Brown could conceivably run 1-2 here…………………………Varenka is a daughter of the wickedly fast Ghostzapper who has clearly improved from 2018 to 2019. She should be ok on an off turf course and clearly has the ability to win this horse race. However, her (come from well behind) running style and drawing the rail doesn’t sit too well with me……………………….Honorable Mentions: Vow to Recover has been on the board in 6 of 8 turf starts and is another who ran the best race of her career on a “good” turf course….could be a menace, especially if the rains come…………………..Feel Glorious is quite the contrary to some others in here in the sense that she appears to need a firm turf course to do her best running…...still another who is capable ……………………….Your long-shot horse in this race is clearly Wildlife, who was visually impressive beating a MSW field, then coming back and wiping the floor with an Allowance field. Filly by Animal Kingdom steps up here and her BSFs are a little short, but based what I’ve visually seen, she could surprise a few people in this race.
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Race: 10 (5:59 PM EST Post)
Alabama Stakes
Point of Honor has improved through each of her first five races as her BSFs would indicate (76, 83, 87, 90 and 91) and it doesn’t appear she has hit her ceiling just yet. Filly by Curlin was impressive rallying wide on the far turn to win the Black Eyed Susans and then chased, and finished second beaten by only one length, to that juggernaut they call Guarana (who could be any kind) in the Coaching Club American Oaks. Note how she came home the last furlong in a solid :12.1 that day as well. Only draw backs I see is (if the rains come) she’s never touched a wet track and what’s up with the slow work (5F- 1:05.3) at Oklahoma last week?..............................In taking Point of Honor, the drop dead gorgeous Dunbar Road scares the daylights out of me. This $350,000 by Quality Road is a half length shy of being unbeaten in her career and could NOT have looked any better overcoming a slow early pace to win the Mother Goose last time out. Bay filly has been training very well of late and decimated an Allowance field in her one and only wet track try…….looms a major threat……………………….Champagne Anyone actually beat both Point of Honor and Dunbar Road at GP in March but her form seems to have taken a slight step backwards since……………….Honorable Mentions: Ulele has good speed, is consistent (7 for 7 on the board in her career) and finished just a half length behind Point of Honor two starts back…………………….Lady Apple has improved leaps and bounds from 2018 to 2019. Another filly by Curlin, she was 0 for 4 last year but is 4 for 5 this year and her BSFs have been climbing, highlighted by an 88 in winning the Iowa Oaks last time out.
​
Del Mar Thoroughbred Club
Race: 9 (9PM EST Post)
Del Mar Oaks
Cambier Parc is a $1,250,000 daughter of “King of the (sales) Ring” Medaglia d’Oro who had won three of her first five races with legitimate excuses in her two defeats (muddy track debut and off turf course). Good looking filly then finished a close third in the Grade: 1 Belmont Oaks while chasing probably the best three year old turf filly in the country (Concrete Rose) and ran the last quarter mile of that race is an attention getting :22.1……………..narrow margin over the very versatile Mucho Unusual, who is unbeaten since being put on the grass three starts back. She was visually impressive coming from well back, with a brazen five wide move on the turn, to get up by a neck in the Grade: 2 San Clemente in her last. Filly by “M3” shows two monster works this month, signaling to me she is sitting on another big race in this spot………………………Play “Pin the tail on the Donkey” with the rest of the field as they are difficult to separate. That said, I’ll take Lady Prancealot, who is about a half a length away from being 4 for 4 this year, for the show dough. She draws well for her running style and should be coming late again in this spot…………………Honorable Mentions: Apache Princess hasn’t won since February but note how she just missed behind Mucho Unusual in her last after a ridiculously wide trip all the way around….could better this rating……………..Hard Legacy is 3 for 5 in her career and looked good winning the Grade: 3 Regret at Churchill in her last. Note how this filly, by the gorgeous Hard Spun, motored home the last furlong in :11.4 in that race…………………………..Hidden Message gets the proverbial “dark horse” tag in this race. Filly by Scat Daddy ran well in four of her first five races overseas and goes “first time Lasix” here…………………Raymundos Secret won both of her starts vs. lesser by wide margins with speed figures that put her on par with several of her rivals in this spot. No telling how good she may be at this point….find out more on Saturday.
​
Race: 10 (9:30 PM EST Post)
Pacific Classic
Campaign is 5 for 10 in his career and 3 for 5 this year. This $675,000 colt by Curlin is sharp right now as he took down a Grade: 3 at Santa Anita, just missed in the Grade: 2 Brooklyn at Belmont and probably ran the best race of his life while winning the Cougar II in his last, which was also his Del Mar debut, his last three times out. 6-1 on the morning line against this watered down field? I’ll take it………………..Pavel continues to run admirably against some of the best horses in the world today. Albeit, he is just 3 for 17 in his career, it must be noted he’s faced the late Battle of Midway, the third richest horse in the history of the sport, Thunder Snow, Mitole/McKinzie, and Preservationist/Catholic Boy in his last four races and will meet no such rivals here. So, although this is a Grade: 1, one million dollar race, this is a “hidden” class drop for him……………………… Quip has come back running as a 4YO as, after needing his first start of the year, he won the Oaklawn Handicap and just missed behind Seeking the Soul in the Stephen Foster last time out. I won’t be surprised if he runs big in this spot ………………….Honorable Mentions: I’m not much of a Seeking the Soul fan. Never have been actually. Having said that, he appears to be in good form right now highlighted by winning the Stephen Foster at Churchill last time out. CD is by far his most favorite surface, so I’m thinking that might have “moved him up” a bit and he comes back down to reality in this spot. I’m going to try to beat this 3-1 morning line favorite for sure…………………………….I wonder which Tenfold, who ran huge in winning the Pimlico Special two back but got buried in the Stephen Foster last time out, we will see this time? ………..Ditto for War Story, will we see the horse who got beaten by a no exaggeration 50 lengths two starts back or the one who dug in gamely down the lane to win the Monmouth Cup in his last?......................In such a weakly draw field, don’t be so quick to throw out 20-1 shots Mongolian Groom, who just missed behind the mega-talented Catalina Cruiser last time out, or Draft Pick, who has hit the board in 9 of 11 career tries and was right behind Mongolian Groom and Catalina Cruiser in his last.
By: Gerard Apadula
Director of Equine Operations and Development
Knights of the Round Stable Thoroughbred Racing Team
[[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
2019- Record: 52-149 = 35%
2018- Record: 107-261= 41%
2017- Record: 92-235 = 39%
2016- Record: 91-229 = 40%
2015- Record: 67-180 = 37%
2014- Record: 29-73 = 40%
2013- Record: 20-59= 34%
2012 -Record: 24-73= 33%
2011 –Record: N/A
2010- Record: 24-74= 33%
​
Little Bets N’ Pieces
**** Omaha Beach, the early Kentucky Derby favorite who was scratched with a throat issue, is nearing his return to racing.
The handsome colt by War Front breezed six furlongs at Del Mar on Monday in 1:13.3, keeping him on track for the Aug. 25 Shared Belief Stakes.
“Right now, I'd say yes, it's a go,” said trainer Richard Mandella, when asked about making the Shared Belief. “This was good, but we didn't want to do too much with him.”
​
**** The hulking and speedy Catalina Cruiser will not run in Pacific Classic at Del Mar on Saturday.
The 5-year-old son of Union Rags, who is unbeaten in two starts this year, (the True North and the San Diego Handicap), has opted to for shorter distances through the remainder of 2019.
“It's the distance, and this is a heavy track this year,” trainer John Sadler said. “We want to keep him where we're more comfortable.”
Next options for Catalina Cruiser include the seven-furlong Pat O'Brien or Forego, with a return start in the Breeders' Cup Dirt Mile a potential target for the end of the year.
​
**** Hall of Famer and the immensely popular Zenyatta is expecting once again, according to www.zenyatta.com. The three-time, Amazonian champion is in foal with a daughter to Candy Ride and is “doing well” at Lane's End Farm.
“Over the years we've seen how happy she is with a foal by her side, and we can't wait to share this journey with you,” the website says.
The filly will be the fourth foal out of the 2010 Horse of the Year, joining Cozmic One (2012), Ziconic (2013), and an unraced 2017 filly by Medaglia d'Oro named Zellda.
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Partial Trainers List And My Assessment Of Each.

I have done a couple of posts on jockeys. Now I will do one on trainers. As with jockeys, there are many trainers that will not be included that probably should be, mostly because they do not come to mind while I am typing.
I will start with Bob Baffert. Baffert started his training career training quarter horses where he learned that it was important to get solid breaks in order to give his horses the best chance of winning. At first, he let the horse determined which style of running he preferred. But that began to change after he trained Point Given in 2001. Point Given only loss as a 3 YO was the Ky Derby where Baffert admitted he made the wrong decision and told Stevens to keep him too close to the fastest pace in the Ky Derby history. Baffert started the trend of 2 preps before the Ky Derby with this horse and it was probably a bigger factor in Point Given's only off the board in his racing career. Now he tips his horses chances of winning by giving them several solid workouts in a row before running them. Horses that work inconsistent or slow for Baffert rarely wins. You can make solid profits betting against his horses when you see this. Much better at training on dirt than turf, but mostly because he rarely runs one of grass.
Todd Pletcher--Most thinks he is best trainer around. But I think he simply gets the most well bred horses. He took over for Lukas string when D Wayne decided to scale back his barn 3-4 years after his son was almost killed by a kick to the head, receiving permanent brain damage. Most of Pletcher's horses wins early but most are ill prepared to win a race such as the Ky Derby. A stat to back that statement up is he has won 2 derbies, both on tracks that were sloppy or muddy. And neither won another race after the derby, though Always Dreaming is still in training supposely. High winning percentage with 2 YOs and early 3 YOs but below average with older horses except for turf runners, IMO.
Chad Brown- Learned under Bobby Frankel who was notorious for turf training but also above average with dirt runners. Went out on his own and built his own stable after Frankel was diagnosed with brain cancer. One of the best with distance turf runners and improving with his dirt runners.
Brad Cox---Learned under Dallas Stewart, he has become one of the better trainers in a few short years since going out on his own. Wins with more than 25% of his starters and trains solidly on both grass and dirt. He is slowly starting to pick up better horses and it is only a matter of time before he starts winning G1 type races. One of the first horse he trained on his own was Call Pat, after failed attempts by Philip Sims, Jorge Navarro and Martin Wolfson in getting this horse to produce. He simply changed her running style from speed to a late runner and in a year and a half, won 2 G3s and a G2 and banking more than 1/2 million dollars. Not bad for a runner who made less than 80K with three other trainers over roughly half of her career.
Dallas Stewart-- He, too, learned under D Wayne Lukas. He went out on his own in the late 1990s after Lukas announced he was scaling back and giving Pletcher his clientele. Stewart, however unlike Lukas and Pletcher, always only wanted to train a handful of horses. He has always said he felt he could tell more about a horse's ability with hands on experience, rather than hearing through the grapevine. Excellent at training late runners and getting them to peak near derby time. Has 6 G1's seconds and thirds in the triple crown races, all with major outsiders but has yet to win one. Trained Forever Unbridled for his first BC win last year. Past due to win a triple crown race.
Christopher Clement-- Originally from Europe, he trains turf horses better than dirt horses, as do most who trains in Europe. But he can train dirt horses too when given the opportunity though most seem to be a cut below the top horses. The top twenty horses he has trained has been graded stakes winning grass runners with the exception of Tonalist.
H Motion Graham-- Another trainer who started in Europe, he too is better known as a grass trainer than a dirt trainer. He can, however, get a horse to perform on the dirt. With the exception of Animal Kingdom who won the Ky Derby, most of his biggest G1 wins have been on grass, including 3 BC distance winners. He has not won a breeders cup race on dirt, short or long.
Shug McGaughey-- As long time trainer of Phipps stable, he is very good at training both on dirt and grass. He is known for letting his best horses matured before asking them to run but that is mostly because that was always Phipps philosophy. While he has trained quite a few young 2 YOs to win, mostly fillies, it is more because they are ready to run earlier than most.
Barclay Tagg-- Here is one most will not recognize, but this veteran will shock some if overlooked on grass especially. He trained Funny Cide to win the Ky Derby along with a few others that made the derby but his grass runners are almost always totally overlooked. Rarely sends out a horse that is not fit, whether on dirt or grass, but rarely gets a well bred horse to train. Now a 15% lifetime trainer after hovering around 20% winning trainer for years earlier in his career.
Linda Rice-- Another most will not recognize, but she is one of the better trainer at training sprinters. Has always made the East coast circuit her home, including Belmont and Saratoga. First noticed when she took over the training of City Zip and immediately turned him into a graded stakes winning colt. She has won at a 20% for most of her career but now is starting to make a name for herself as a mid distance turf trainer.
Wesley Ward--- A former jockey, he turned to training after a few years of problems maintaining his weight. Excellent at training young horses and sprinters, both on dirt or grass. However, does not have a good reputation of training distance runners. Maintains a better 19% lifetime winning %.
John C Servis--Mostly stabled in New Jersey, he is best known elsewhere as trainer of Smartly Jones. He is exceptional at training speed/pace type horses on dirt and can get them to go mid distances with suspect breeding. He wins with 17% of his starters and will occasionally show up at Oaklawn Park in the winter and early spring. He has a brother, Jason, who has a higher winning % but trains mostly cheaper stock that shows up in New York a lot, mostly with sprinters.
David Jacobson- He is usually based in New York but unlike most trainers, he often claims horses with his money, switches equipment and wins often first time off one of his claims. He has taken more than a few lifetime claiming horses and turned them into stakes winners. Sure, he has made plenty of claims that did not work out but that is part of the sport.
Robertino Diodoro-- He is another who is very good with horses first time off a claim. He is better at training sprinters but knows how to get them to go mid distances. Has been seen at many different tracks including California and New York, but can be found mostly in the south at Oaklawn, Louisiana, Oklahoma, or Turf Paradise tracks. Wins with 19% of his runners lifetime and is especially dangerous when one of his runners is overlooked. Trains mostly claimers though.
Steven Asmussen-- A solid trainer who wins with more than 20% of his starters, he has always been one of the hardest to figure out. Unlike Pletcher or Baffert, Steve tends to get his horses in shape before sending them to the track at his dad's ranch in Laredo, Texas. This is why most of his runners will have slow works at the track prior to running. He usually already has them in shape, so he works them to maintain conditioning, not for improvement. He rarely tips bettors with fast workouts but the fact they are working steadily is a major tip in itself. Much better at training on dirt than grass, especially in top races.
William Brett Calhoun--A trainer that is among the best at training sprinters, both on dirt and turf, especially if they flash speed. He is well bet in Texas, Louisiana and Oklahoma, but is often overlooked when he shows up at Churchill Downs. He won both BC turf sprints in 2010 there and can occasionally get his runners to stretch out to mid distances, especially when left alone on the lead.
Mark Casse-- Has been leading trainer in Canada for many years. Very good with turf runners and above average with dirt runners. His best dirt runners tend to do best as a 2 YO and early 3 YO while his best turf runners usually does not mature until their late 3 YO career or as a 4 YO. Better with slightly off the pace type horses than his other type runners.
Kenneth McPeek--- Lifelong trainer in Kentucky who trains most of his horses to rate or come running late. Much better at training horses on dirt compared to turf. Ran 2nd in the Ky Derby with Tejano Run, but a disappointing 7th with Harlan's Holiday as the 6-1 favorite in 2002. He would avenge that loss by winning the 2002 Belmont S with 70-1 shot Sarava.
William Mott-- He is a trainer that most consider better with grass horses. But he trains dirt horses equally as good, if not better. He has trained 5 BC Distaff winners, 2 BC Classic winners, 2 BC Turf winners, and 1 BC Turf Mile winner. He rarely trains his horses to win first time out unless they work fairly fast at close to the distance/surface he is entering them in and does not rush them to the gate as 2 YOs, preferring to wait until they mature more.
Dale Romans-- Son of popular long time Churchill Downs trainer Jerry Romans, he trains most of his horses for distance racing, both on grass and dirt. He has won 2 BC turf races with horses at odds of 17-1 and 65-1 and ran 2nd in two more at odds of 9-5 and 5-1. Otherwise, what I am saying is he is a better bet when his horses gets off at good odds. Most of his dirt runners will be trained to run late while he keeps most of his turf runners near the pace to get a jump on the big time late runners.
Jerry Hollendorfer-- A top trainer in California, he is a much better trainer on dirt than grass. He trains them mostly to get good position early and make a late run in the stretch. He has won plenty of races with horses that did not want to rate, but that is not really his style of training. His 22% lifetime winning rate would be near 30% if you took out his turf racing stats.
Mick Ruis--- A fairly new trainer to the racing world, I am including him because I believe you will start hearing his name a lot in a few years. He has only 35 lifetime wins but now trains only horses that he purchases at auction. I do not know much about his past training record, but it looks like he was around in 2007 to train a few horses for others and then left the game. He reappeared in 2016 and made several large horse purchases, including this year's early Ky Derby future book favorite, Bolt D'Oro. If he continues making these types of breeding purchases, it will not be a matter of if but when he will start to become well known in the racing world.
There are so many more trainers I could add and I will probably do another post on more trainers later. Also, on every trainer, I do not use any stats except winning percentages but instead use my memory of what I have seen through the years. Stats are good but at times I feel they are misleading and can lead you down the wrong path.
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JoJo's Bizarre Adventure OC Tournament #4: R1M24 - Professor Bernal vs. M.I.A.

The results are in for Match 24...
Connor and Vanita got 1000 tickets at nearly the exact same time. Connor did well to go for the high-ticket items, with Vanita close by, interrupting his plays and helping those around her to get to her games faster. After they both nabbed their last tickets, they scrambled to the prize booth, pushing and shoving and desperately trying to get there before one another. Upon arrival, they both smacked their tickets on the counter, exclaiming in unison:
"I want the duck!"
"Sorry old timer,” Vanita looked at Connor, furrowing her brow. “But I got here first!"
"I'm afraid you're mistaken, young'n!” Connor chuckled, shaking his head. “I'm too quick on the draw!" The admin cleared his throat, drawing the attention of the two participants.
"Er, sorry to disappoint you, but someone already claimed the duck... we only have one of them in stock, and the guy said a nice person helped him get enough tickets for the games." Connor and Vanita looked at one another in confusion, Vanita grinning awkwardly, before they both got a notification on their phones, pulling them out and being met with their flustered alien friend.
"Hey, guys! Uh... sorry about that. We really didn't expect anyone else to get enough tickets to get that duck; and they weren't a participant..." she said apologetically, rubbing the back of her neck.
"Buuuut..." she continued, "I've taken the liberty of approving you both to move on to Round 2 for the trouble~! And we also got you both coupons for some free funnel cake, on us!" Connor and Vanita got a buzz from their phone, an image of a coupon saving into their Urban Uprising account. "Enjoy!" Andromeda said, giving a wave and a slight smile before disappearing from the screen.
Connor looked at Vanita. Vanita looked at Connor. The both of them sat in silence for a moment before bursting out laughing, patting each other on the back.
"What're the odds, huh? You really had me scared there for a second old timer! You're a lot quicker than you look!" Vanita said, nudging him in the ribs.
"You didn't too bad yourself, girlie!” Connor nodded, crossing his arms. “You almost gave me my first loss!" The two grinned in mutual enjoyment for a moment, before Connor spoke again.
"Hey... how about one last competition..." he said, pausing for a moment. "LAST ONE TO THE SNACK BOOTH'S A ROTTEN EGG!" he shouted, bursting into a full speed sprint back into the fair.
"Oh no you don't!" Vanita said before dashing after him.
It’s a Tie, with a score of 70-70!
Category Winner Point Totals Comments
Popularity Tie 20-20 It was a back and forth game, one player gaining a vote only for the other to match and ending with a 6-6 split!
Quality Conner Pruckette 24-25 Reasoning
JoJolity Vanita Butler 26-25 Reasoning
(Turns out it wasn’t just voters that were back and forth on who came out on top this match. But we can all agree that everyone did a good job in the most wholesome state fair we’ve ever seen. Have a safe drive home, and watch out for this roadside brawl!)
Scenario - Louisville, Kentucky:
M.I.A. strolled into the throng of ladies and gentlemen in white suits, looking over Churchill Downs with a mint julep swirling in her hand. With all of the crap everyone else was dealing with, how lucky of her that Milo had given her a complete, all expenses paid trip to the Kentucky Derby! And with all the rich folks too!
She took a sip of the julep, a spring in her step. She giggled, tucking the printed slip with her bet into one of her Planes. She had no idea what “Jokester” was, but it was the horse with the biggest odds against it, so obviously it would be the right play to win! She fiddled with her goggles, keeping her jacket closed. Obviously she couldn’t show off her swimsuit as a lady of quali-tay.
She nodded at one of the older gentlemen in the VIP suite, smiling widely at him. “Well, howdy-do, sir?” She asked. “Ain’t this a nice day! Whole mess of people fixin’ to make some money.” The gentleman looked over her cooly, and turned away from her, talking to his companion about the youth and looking back to her, laughing. MIA’s expression flattened, turning away from him and walking away from the throng of people as quickly as she could, hoping that nobody else saw her.
[Angel’s Thesis] floated behind her, a Plane flying over to go into the gentleman’s pockets. Unseen and unknown to MIA, the man’s wallet vanished into another world, the Plane coming back to the Stand and disappearing with it.
MIA stopped at the fence overlooking the track, where the horses were setting up. Alright, so that guy was an asshole. She looked around, seeing the rich folks conversatin’ with each other and paying her no mind. Seriously, what was wrong with these people. She looked over to a nearby woman, fanning herself, and blinked. Yeah, it was quite hot and that fan did look mighty fine….
A few Planes shot out and neatly plucked the fan out of the woman’s hand. She was probably an easy mark, MIA figured. She opened her hand, the fan dropping into it and her opening it neatly, fanning herself and looking around at everyone else. Maybe they’d take her more serious with her new fashion.
...Nobody noticed, and the woman she had stolen from pulled out another, even fancier fan.
MIA scowled and took another sip of her julep.
Professor Bernal, much as she would rather have been speaking to the horses and jockeys, was nevertheless caught up in conversation with her fellow spectators of the Kentucky Derby. The professor had no love for the rich in particular, but she’d spent enough time trying to get grants for her research that she was thoroughly versed in the customs of the upper crust.
And so she casually chatted with the fellow attendees of the horse race, keeping a watchful eye out for any symbol of Urban Uprising, be it a competitor, admin, or notification from the app itself. Unusual among Stand users and particularly competitors of the ARG, Bernal drew no attention to herself.
Still watching for any signs of Stand activity, enemy or otherwise, Bernal caught, out of the corner of her eye, what appeared to be a paper airplane. “These horses really are wonderful anima-- Hmm. Excuse me for a moment, please?”
Bernal took a step away from her current conversation partner to look for the paper plane. Ah. There it was. Unlike a proper paper plane, this one’s movements had nothing to do with the currents of the wind, and it glided through the air over the spectators, almost as though it were looking for something.
Suddenly the paper airplane dove downward to land on top of a large white sunhat, almost reminiscent of a pancake in Bernal’s eyes. In a flash, the pancake hat disappeared, leaving its wearer briefly nonplussed. Bernal watched as the paper plane, almost certainly part of a Stand, flew back to an odd-looking young woman clearly not dressed properly for the occasion, though the sudden appearance of the pancake hat made it clear she was trying, and failing, to fit in.
Then the girl caught Bernal watching.
MIA grimly adjusted the fancy hat, the brim flopping over her eyes as she fanned herself expansively. Now she must look fancy. She cackled to herself. Man, she was styling. MIA scanned her eyes over the crowd for anyone watching her, in a combination of trepidation that guards would come in reaction to a report of her theft and hoping that she caught someone’s eye. To her disappointment neither seemed to--
Then she noticed a woman, wearing a khaki uniform and with her hair in a bun, staring at her. MIA smirked, obviously the woman noticed how cool she looked! She shot her a v sign and a too-wide grin, looking back at the horse- wait was that a donkey? MIA looked down at her ticket, and back at the horses. ...Had she just bet on a donkey? And. Wait.
She looked back at the woman, a Plane swooping above her head. She wasn’t looking at her awesome hat at all! She was looking at her Stand! MIA cursed and flung back her Julep, dropping her fan as the liquid hit her throat, hat falling off her head. MIA leaned against the railing and coughed, eyes wild. She could totally escape, right? She could just get out of there, no big deal!”
And then, for both of them, a chiming notification rang on their phones.
MIA silently cursed Milo’s guts, her glass too, dropped to the floor with her haste to open the phone. Meanwhile, Bernal blinked, opening her own. So this was her ‘opponent’, hm? Well, she couldn’t properly talk to the lady or wish her a good game, but there would be time for that after. On both of their screens, Andromeda in a cowboy hat and a revealing plaid shirt showed up on screen, a piece of hay in her mouth.
“Howdy-do, pardners~!” She announced in a clearly fake Southern drawl, winking. “Welcome to the Kentucky Derby! Now I know y’all are fixin’ to enjoy the show, but we have clearance, just this once, for y’all to get involved directly! Now, all these here fine horses are lookin’ to get in first, but in this fine ARG, we do things a little different. On both of your phones is a certain horse. Y’all need to get that horse to second place. Not first, and not third either! Whoever manages that gets the Tag!”
“Oh, and don’t kill them.” Her expression grew serious. “If any of these horses die, you’re eliminated. And don’t hurt each other either.” Andromeda waved, smile returning. “Anyways, y’all ladies have a wonderful time~!”
With that, the broadcast cut out. Bernal nodded at MIA, who was keeping her face firmly pointed forward, knuckles white from grabbing the railing in front of her. Both summoned their Stands, as the gunshot to start the race rang through the track.
Location: The Churchill Downs racetrack in Louisville, Kentucky. In particular, the players are in the stands to the side of the track, overlooking it.
Goal: Get your horse to come in SECOND place. The horses will race around the track three times, with a 50m straightway open to the players. As a result, you have setup time before the horses pass the first time and then two more chances (for a total of three) to manipulate the outcome. Spend your time wisely.
As Andromeda said, killing any of the horses or hurting your competitor will result in an immediate loss, but damaging parts of the Stand (tendrils of Around the World and the Paper Planes) that don’t transfer injuries is alright. Additionally, you will not be outright disqualified for damaging the horses.
Additionally, both of you have large bets on the donkey, Jokester, getting in 1st place. This isn’t really relevant to the objective itself. Just felt it prudent to mention.
Additional Information: The rich people in the area have 222 Physicals, Entitled: 4, and Oblivious: 5. They will overlook anything short of a grenade exploding next to them, too intent on the race. All of them are carrying various rich people accoutrements. The jockeys all have 333 Physicals, Jockey: 3, and Ignoring Whatever Bullshit The Rich People Are Doing: 5. They will not react to anything and will focus on the race no matter what.
Horses have 343 physicals, Horse: 4 and Running: 3. The donkey has the same physicals, but Donkey: 4 instead of Horse: 4. All 20 entrants have too much fighting spirit and respect for their jockeys to readily listen to Bernal, sans the horse that she wants to come in second.
There are a variety of ducks, raccoons, squirrels, small birds, mice, and a few purse dogs on the battlefield. Assume that the track mostly has animals one would find in Kentucky.
M.I.A., your horse is named Ginuwine. Professor Bernal, your horse is named Reba McEntyre.
Team Combatant JoJolity
Tower of Terra Professor Bernal "Anyone who violates the Earth will only penalize themselves." Protect the animals from harm as best you can! Bonus points for ensuring that you use as many animals as possible in your strat!
YMCA: GIT GUD M.I.A. “You bloody country fucks! I’ll climb to the top of society!” You’re a high class lady, and you have to prove it! Use the items belonging the fellow, high-class spectators! Bonus points for gussying yourself up!
Link to the Official Player Spreadsheet
Link to R1 Match Schedule
As always, if you would like to interact with the tournament community and be among the first to get updates for the tournament, please feel free to PM a member of our Judge staff for an invite to our Official Discord Server!
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{OC} NUMC -- Working Stiffs

21 October 3270
Ft. Defiance
Federal Free Territories
Columbia System
“Are you going to let that cheese-eating, clown-shoe pogue come into our house and disrespect us like that?” The sergeant’s raspy growl, artfully honed to convey years of service on battlefields and parade grounds, was pitched perfectly to carry to every marine seated on the bleachers arranged in front of him.
‘Sir, no sir!” Fifty voices roared back in a ragged unison. It had been a long day for the young marines. 1st Platoon and everyone else in the regiment had been working their asses off for two solid months getting ready to deploy, and so a little less than total enthusiasm could be expected. It was the sergeant’s job to inspire the drag-ass platoon with some simple diversionary tactics.
“That housecat headquarters puke standing over there has two quarter-eagles that says he can outshoot any three of you real marines, and not one of you has a hair on your ass!” A low, hostile growl from deep within 50 young throats washed through the shelter. ‘Shelter’ was probably too grand a term for four poles, a roof and a water point, not even a proper floor. For the most part the young marines were still green enough to respond profoundly to the boot camp “ooh-rah” honor platoon motivational puppy-shit he was laying down. The eltee and the senior sergeants were bullshitting with the range NCO’s and the housecat about 20 or 30 meters away. They were just far enough away that the officers, who could be a little touchy about people calling them names, were plausibly out of earshot. The handful of corporals and sergeants left to ride herd on the grunts, mostly veterans of the Indiana Campaign, either kept their mouths shut, or with malice aforethought, helped goad the cherry marines almost to the point of riot.
“Anybody wanna make some cash?” The grizzled and wiry NCO, an old campaigner at twenty-one, was almost, but not quite impressed by the deafening thunder of the response. When a marine got all worked up, two things were bound to catch his attention, pretty women and easy money. Almost as if the entire incident had been carefully rehearsed, the other two sergeants stood up and started collecting coins from the newbs to cover the bet. A lesson was best learned when it came at a cost, and since the marines had been paid the day before, a little harmless re-distribution of wealth was called for. The sergeants made sure to spread the action around, give everybody a little taste, but keep the bets reasonable.
Sergeant Dodd was seriously considering taking a chunk of this action himself. Some of these boys could shoot, and most of them were still boot camp-hard, lean and mean like real marines. Fat and sloppy housecats have been the natural enemy of field grunts since they both came down from the trees millennia ago. Exactly who came down first has been the subject of many spirited social discussions throughout history, some of which have resulted in spectacular bruises and the occasional missing tooth.
But that was gambling and Mrs. Dodd had a thing about gambling. And since Sgt. Riley Bedford Dodd liked being married, that meant he had a thing about gambling. Actually, after he had blown through almost an entire months’ pay during an epic night of drunken poker, his beautiful, young bride had been less than pleased. To be precise, he woke up the next morning with an apocalyptic hangover to discover his wife holding his favorite appendage in one hand and a bottle of liquid super adhesive in the other. He never doubted for a moment that she was prepared to carry out the inferred threat and he listened intently and oh-so-politely to everything that woman had to say. In the months since, he had not been tempted to gamble even once. Besides, he could never bet against the Old Man, it’d be almost disloyal. The two sergeants, barely able to contain their shit-eating grins, handed their coin-filled covers to Dodd.
“Ok, alright you animals, settle the fuck down!” Some of the young wannabe hardcore leathernecks were almost frothing at the mouth, leaning forward in anticipation like guard dogs waiting to be unleashed. Dodd played his part masterfully, the dirt-floored shelter his Globe Theatre as he paced and fretted.
“Who’s gonna be my trigger men?” The raspy parade ground voice Dodd had so carefully developed over the years elicited howls from the now highly-motivated and thoroughly-adrenalized crop of cherries.
“Only one way to decide.” Dodd already knew who he was going to pick, that little detail had been settled by the platoon sergeant and section leaders. They also had a separate pool going with the Old Man for the rest of his gold eagle, that’s why Dodd had been given three names. He might be a housecat now, but once upon a time on a planet far, far away Captain Evelyn Michael Wood had been a real-live ass-in-the-grass field marine, and neither Dodd nor the platoon sergeant had any doubts that the Old Man could still shoot.
“Get down here and start pushing the ground away.” Like eager well-trained puppies the young marines almost tumbled over one another in their rush to un-ass the bleachers and start cranking out the push-ups. He was happy to see the three names were knocking them out just as vigorously as the more rabid of the newly-minted marines.
Being fully aware of The Captain’s reputation, the bet had been carefully arranged, the push-ups and something about getting their heart rate up being the Old Man’s response to the platoon sergeant’s hedge. The platoon sergeant had insisted on three shooters, playing the odds that one of the fresh from boot marines would outscore the now slightly pudgy former bad-ass.
Taking his time and careful not to step on any fingers, Dodd strolled across the now crowded patch of dirt in front of the bleachers. ‘Something, something life being a stage’ or whatever some famous dude once wrote, Dodd made a mental note to look up the exact quote when he got home. Anyway, he wasn’t in on the bet so he was allowed to have a little fun. Almost like a man examining race horses for some hidden subtle trait, Dodd watched the marines as they exercised. He waited until all of the would-be grunts had started to burn through some of their hostility before he rattled off the names.
Once the shooters had been called out only the thickest marines were still pushing, maybe going for a personal best or just that dumb, Dodd wasn’t certain. The three privates edged toward Dodd through the crowd of young, winded men wanting to climb back into the relative comfort of the rough and splintered wooden bleachers. The faint groundswell of well-wishers and well intentioned jeers aimed at those selected seemed to inspire two rivals to even greater effort. The two young marines started going eyeball to eyeball, knocking out four-count pushups at a pace that was almost exhausting just to watch. This inspired the marines watching to encourage them with more hoots and insults while Dodd casually strolled over to The Captain and the range NCOs. He sincerely hoped the other sergeants would keep those idiots from eating each other. Dodd stopped the trailing privates a few meters away, and instructed them to double-time in place. The platoon sergeant waited a moment or two for the housecat to finish his anecdote before casually strolling over. The eltee made a point of suddenly becoming very interested in something out toward the trailhead and began wandering that way. As an officer and a gentleman, 2nd Lieutenant Jake Delcroix felt it would be unseemly for him to be involved in something as crass as gambling
“Ok you monkeys, snap to!” The three marines stopped jogging and came to rigid attention. The platoon sergeant was the ugliest human being ever born, with a voice that sounded like a malfunctioning rock crusher.
“Here’s the bet, each of you guys get two magazines. Whoever gets the best score on the ‘A’ range and the KD takes the pot.” The platoon sergeant took the coin-filled boonie caps from Dodd before continuing, “You jokers cost me money and I’m going to take it out of your ass. That staff puke is going to use a MARS rifle with iron sights, but you monkeys get to use whatever you want, as long as it’s stripped. With two magazines that’s two hundred rounds, and the highest score when everyone is done shooting wins.” The platoon sergeant, knowing his part in selling this well-orchestrated fleecing paused for effect,
“Well?”
The young shooters, not knowing the correct response looked confused.
“Go get your fucking weapons! Vamanoose!” When he got excited the platoon sergeant sometimes let his Lone Star slip out. With four gold half dimes of his own on the line, he tended to get a little excitable.
The privates sprinted to the armory trailer. The Old Man had only insisted on three things when he proposed the bet, the choice of ranges, weapons with naked-eye sights and that the private’s choose their own weapons. Dodd and the other NCO’s had considered this very carefully before accepting the bet. Riley was certain that somehow this gave The Old Man an edge, but he was damned if he could figure out how. But there was the small but present chance that The Captain may have gotten too ballsy in his old age, and this could turn around and bite him on the ass.
The ‘A’ range was a series of gray and white camouflaged pop-up targets ranged from 50 to 300 meters, and the ‘B’ range was a line of large black on white targets a thousand meters downrange. The L-3 carbine fired a 3mm ball from a 250 round box magazine. The L-3 was the standard issue weapon for every swinging dick in the 33rd and it murdered on the ‘A-Primary’ range, but was pretty piss on the ‘B-Known Distance’ and everyone knew it. The ‘handsome bastard’ fired 10mm hypervelocity darts from a 300 round disintegrating belt but it was ungainly, and swinging it around to hit the pop-up targets before they disappeared could get tiresome. It was made for punching big holes in things far away, and a truly good gunner could shred a KD target. Every marine in the light assault regiment trained on the weapon, but only those marines assigned to a heavy weapons unit were intimately familiar with it, and it took a fair amount of skill to keep the fully automatic beast on target.
The shooters would fire the ‘A’ range first, and once each shooter had hit one hundred targets they were to expend the rest of their ammo on the KD targets. While the privates drew their weapons and ammo from the armorer, Dodd felt almost privileged to be able to listen in on the bullshitting and story-telling the Old Man laid out. The Range NCO’s were rolling and the senior enlisted personnel of first platoon were trying hard not to laugh at his increasingly outrageous anecdotes and boasts. They had money on the line and that meant business. Dodd couldn’t help but grin, he’d served as the Old Man’s clerk during his time on Terra Haute, and hearing the well-worn jokes made him almost nostalgic. Once the privates returned from the armory and supply point the range NCOs took over, all serious now that everyone had ammo. Safety first was their motto. They would hate for someone to lose an eye. Corps regulation required that medics be standing by, in case of just such an emergency, and as non-partisan onlookers they had kindly agreed to hold the money.
“Shooters, take your positions!” Captain Wood, with some data-shuffling job at the Infantry School, wrapped his rifle’s sling around his arm and settled into the seated firing position. Two of the privates, fresh from boot and with utter faith in their L-3’s, climbed into chest deep duracrete-lined firing positions, while the third private settled into the prone position behind an assault cannon.
“The red flag is up. Ready on the left?” there was no need for the range NCOIC to shout, and he had twice as many assistants as shooters, but some rules had to be followed. Making certain that the observer standing behind Captain Wood was in position he continued,
“Ready on the right?” He glanced over at Corporal Murphy standing behind the belly down private, who nodded sharply.
“Fire!”
The first of the pop-up targets appeared. The privates, fresh from weeks of instruction by the finest marksmen and practical shooters on the planet, began knocking down targets. The tall, broad shouldered captain adjusted his cap, scratched his calf, rolled his head around his neck and generally piddle farted around. Dodd knew the fix was in and waited to see if anyone else knew it yet. With a gentle sigh the Old Man gently stroked the trigger, sending a single 5mm spin stabilized dart down range, hitting center mass of the closest target. Five more distant targets had already popped up, waited and then dropped back down unengaged. The Captain looked almost bored, and with exaggerated calm he slowly glanced over, smiling brightly when he located Dodd. Captain Wood, formerly Master Gunnery Sergeant Wood, while looking his former company clerk right in the eye, stroked the trigger again and sent another dart down range to knock down his second target. One hundred rounds on target, not the standard timed qualification course. Dodd could kick himself for not figuring it out sooner and quietly laying down some money on The Captain.
Each firing lane was different, with targets appearing at different intervals and distances across the active portion of the range. Closer targets disappeared faster than farther targets. Every marine in the Corps was intimately familiar with an ‘A’ range, not only did they fire it repeatedly during boot camp, but every marine was required to qualify twice a year on it. To be ranked as an expert marksman with an L-3, and earn the bonus pay, a marine was required to hit at least 85 out of 100 targets during a timed engagement window. Even being allowed only a single magazine, it was not a terribly difficult task. Told to do exactly what the new fish had been indoctrinated to do, they fired short controlled bursts at every single target.
From a safe remove it was almost comical to watch The Captains well executed ambush. The Handsome Bastard was the funniest to watch. Machine gunners qualified on the ‘C’ range, larger targets at greater distances, and being as thoroughly trained as the other marines, became frustrated and confused when the targets just continued to appear, gradually sending longer and longer bursts down range trying to engage every single target. By the time he could engage the KD targets he was so pissed off he started letting ten or twelve round bursts go. Most of them impacted the high wide berm behind the targets, not the target.
The riflemen, or carbineers or whatever the proper technical term was, were at least as entertaining. Trigger control had been hammered into their heads just as soundly as the mechanics of qualifying on the ‘A’ range. When the allotted time for the standard course came and went, and the targets kept appearing they also got confused. Both of them remembered their training and kept their heads, but were well into their second magazines before they could engage the KD targets co-located well behind the pop-ups. The smaller, lighter 3mm ball fired by the L-3 had ballistics like a rainbow anyway, and hitting a 2m target at a thousand meters, much less the 10cm bull, required a ritual sacrifice and a lot of Kentucky windage. KD targets were scored differently, with each round being scored increasing points the closer it struck to the bull. At least one of the riflemen caught a clue, switching to single shot in an effort to improve his score, but by that time he was down to less than half a magazine. The second riflemen continued with his spray and pray method, shooting gimp sized patterns and mostly assaulting the hillside.
Once The Captain worked his jollies out, mugging for the stunned and for the most part still uncomprehending onlookers, he settled down and began engaging more targets. By the time the other shooters were all out of ammunition, Captain Evelyn Michael Wood had fired fifty or sixty times. Every single round impacted dead center mass of whichever target seemed to catch his attention. By the time he began to engage the KD targets, cutting the nine or ten ring with almost every single round, even the densest state school drop-out knew they were all boned. Dodd was there, he saw the numbers. With 200 rounds, and the pop-ups being valued at ten points each, Captain Wood could score a theoretical two thousand points. The Old Man made all the senior NCOs look petarded when he fired a seventeen ninety seven and doubled his money. None of the want-to-be bad-asses broke a thousand points.
By the time Dodd found time to properly tell the story the entire brigade was crammed onto a pair of Monarch class transports headed for Elysium. There wasn’t a whole hell of a lot to do on a Monarch except bullshit and gamble, what with being crammed asshole to elbow with four thousand of your nearest mates. Dodd had his bullshit routine down to a science. The final tally, both in points scored and money won, was subject to the needs of the moment, but Dodd’s stories about the Old Man and the hard core shit the old Echo got down behind always drew an audience. With all the slack time and loose change, it was almost impossible to resist sitting into a hot game, at least for a few hands. But Dodd was getting cleverer in his old age. As it turned out, he and his woman lived in one of the bungalows owned by The Old Man’s Wife, and he had no doubt that any misadventure on his part would sooner or later find its way his wife Lucille.
Some of the men who had been privileged to witness the genesis of the legend, even from the cheap seats insisted that the lesson learned that day had been a stern warning against the evils of gambling. Dodd preferred to think that the more appropriate lesson was that a good marine was a sneaky marine. When little Mikey came along, just about the time everything went pear-shaped on Elysium, Mrs. Wood, The Old Man’s Wife and a real officer’s lady, made certain the new family had a crib, warm blankets and enough assorted supplies to last the first few months at least.
Lucille’s letters made it very clear that The Captains Wife was very friendly and insisted on being called ‘Birdie’. She stopped by every week or so with a few cute outfits, sometimes for Mikey and sometimes for Lucille, who was having a hard time getting her figure back. Between her new friend Birdie, and the daily home visits by newborn specialists and respite workers, Lucille handled her first few months as a first time mother like a champion. With free drop-in daycare centers in town provided by the base public health department, Lucille Baker Dodd took a job once things got a little less hectic, a few hours a week helping out at a green grocer Mrs. Wood knew.
submitted by MRHarville to HFY [link] [comments]

Outside the Manual: Humanoids

“All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable.
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—"
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
"So we can believe the big ones?"
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
"They're not the same at all!"
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—"
MY POINT EXACTLY.”
-Hogfather by Terry Pratchett-
After all these monsters. The vile, the intimidating, the strange, the impulse-driven and the downright unnatural, we get to the most horrific monster ever. They are these vicious, territorial, cruel, misshapen, and weird beings with no respect for life and nature. They smell, are loud and create gatherings and babblings that make no sense at all. Yes, I am talking about Humanoids! Those filthy Humanoids with their clothing and their languages! They can't even make objects in a normal way like I would do. They never act normal and they have that weird way of speaking. That odd skin color is so disgusting! Always walking on those two legs with their knees bent forward! I hate it how they sit weirdly and eat this weird stuff. I forgot what it's called but it's disgusting! I would never be able to compare myself to a Humanoid. They are just the scum of the earth and should just move to a place where they won't bother anyone anymore with their 'culture' and 'habits'. The way their faces are shaped is so unsettling! They are everything wrong in the world! If I would sum up all Humanoids, my definition would be this:
There are some creatures that would fit this list even though they are categorized as something else. For example the Mindflayer, the Pixie, the Boggle, the Satyr, the Wilden, the Cambion, the Succubus/Incubus, the Gremlin, the Animated Armor, and the Deva should all be Humanoids according to this list. By that, they are overruled because they have a trait that would fit in other categories. This is why I put these definitions on here in the first place, so that when the descriptions are given to players, they will most likely know what type of knowledge they should roll about the described creature (though hybrids like the Tanarukk, Fey'ri and Tiefling are possible).
The weirdness comes again between Humanoids and Monstrosities. Especially with the Merfolk. They are not bipedal as they don't have any legs, yet they are considered humanoids and the Merrow are not. The main difference is that the Merrow are more violent and use claws and teeth, but other Humanoid creatures do this and not Monstrosities. The difference is in size. Merrow are just slightly larger and because they look more monster-like they are pushed into that category.
That thin line is shown again with the Yuan-Ti where a bipedal person with some snake-like features is Humanoid, but once it is able to get snake arms, transformation magic or becomes a large serpent with arms, it's a Monstrosity. A Minotaur is a Monstrosity, but the Krynn Minotaur is Medium sized and they have a more defined culture, so perhaps those would be Humanoid, but that's a guess.
What makes humans and Humanoids so diverse is their culture. Did you ever stop to think that we don't have a single culture as a species? This could be true to other Humanoids as well. Orc tribes might as well act like the Maori tribes from New Zeeland, making sure their people aren't easily scared and greet with passion and unison (and sometimes intimidation). Perhaps the Elves in your world are perfectionists and are dissatisfied even after 600 years of practicing a single art or craft. Maybe the Thri-Kreen in your setting are more ant-like and work inside of a hive instead of small packs. Just like with re-skinning, you can keep some essentials of your chosen Humanoid and change some others. Consider some of the following options to add some flavor and hint at their culture:
This list can go on, but these features can really make any race interesting. Most races (like in the PHB) already have pretty fleshed-out cultures. Still, you can change things up and each setting has a different interpretation on these races (like Dark Sun does). For any Humanoid race where you aren't given a lot of fluff, you can still add stuff to give it more depth. Consider adding the NPC templates to create weird combinations like the Gnome Barbarian or the Troglodyte Noble.

Inspiration for Humanoids

Humanity could be so simplistic that we're too dumb to understand it, or so complex that our intelligence can't comprehend it. Whatever it is, we are human. All that we are seeps into what we make and come up with. Even other humanoids are somewhat like us, but just different. Yes, there are some of us who hate our own kind or kinds that are like us. It's the differences that disturb us. Those who are making that a bigger deal than it is, disappoint me, personally. But, even that is human and that is why this list contains many examples of contrasting situations between people. As I can bet that you will know a lot of examples from media as well, I just try to put down examples that put humans, humanity or humanoids at the center of the subject. Plus, some other stuff to shake your perception of life a little. I bet that you can come up with some examples, yourself!
  • 1984 by George Orwell
  • 3rd Rock From the Sun (1996 – 2001)
  • A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
  • A Clockwork Orange (1971)
  • A History of Violence (2005)
  • Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves
  • Alien Nation (1989 - 1990)
  • Alternative diets
  • American Psycho (2000)
  • Animals standing upright
  • Anthropology
  • Anthropomorphic animals
  • Any kind of discrimination (even positive discrimination)
  • Armor
  • Art
  • Artificial languages
  • Asylums
  • Autism
  • Avatar (2009)
  • Azumi (2003)
  • Bathrooms
  • Batman
  • Beds
  • Being John Malkovich(1999)
  • Being unable to lick your elbow
  • Belief
  • Biker Mice from Mars
  • Birthmarks
  • Blue Man Group
  • Blushing
  • Body language
  • Buried Alive (2007)
  • Caricatures
  • Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
  • Children
  • Children of Men (2006)
  • Choreographed dancing
  • Citizen Kane (1941)
  • Clapping
  • Clothing
  • Complex puzzles
  • Cooking food
  • Crash (1996)
  • Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
  • Crying when happy
  • Crying when sad
  • CSI series
  • Cultural developments
  • Da Funk by Daft Punk
  • Dances with Wolves (1990)
  • Die Hard (1988)
  • Discoveries (like fire)
  • Doors
  • Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Dr. Strangelove (1964)
  • Dr. Who
  • Dune (books and movies)
  • Dwarfism
  • Dyed hair
  • Eccentricities
  • Escape from Alcatraz (1979)
  • Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind (2004)
  • Ethnicity
  • Evolution
  • Extinct languages
  • Facebook
  • Faces
  • Fart jokes
  • Fetishes
  • Fire & Ice (1983)
  • Forrest Gump (1994)
  • Frank from Donnie Darko
  • Freud's phases of development
  • Furniture
  • Gambling
  • Games in general
  • Glasses
  • Gon from Tekken
  • Graffiti (especially the graffiti from Pompeï)
  • Grey's anatomy
  • Guardians of the Galaxy
  • Halloween (1978)
  • Handshakes (even the secret ones)
  • History
  • House of Flying Daggers (2004)
  • Houses
  • Hugs
  • Humor
  • Hunger Games books & movies
  • Hylians, Gerudo, Moblins, Zora, and Wizzrobes from Zelda games
  • Imagination
  • Improvisation
  • Inception (2010)
  • Intrigue
  • Inventions (like the wheel)
  • IQ tests
  • Iron Man
  • Jewelry
  • Jobs
  • Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)
  • Kung Pow (2002)
  • Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa and the Vitruvian Man
  • Les Miserables
  • Lies
  • Man-made products
  • Martial arts
  • Masks
  • Maslow's pyramid of needs
  • Media
  • Meeting strange people
  • Michelangelo’s Sixteenth chapel (after 500 years someone discovered something about the image of God.)
  • Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers
  • Mistakes
  • Monty Python's Meaning of Life (1983)
  • Music
  • My neighbor is an antisocial drummer
  • Naked Lunch (1991)
  • Networking
  • Norms and values
  • Olympics
  • Omnivores
  • Other emotions than these main seven: Anger, Happiness, Sadness, Fear, Contempt, Disgust or Surprise
  • People in commercials
  • Philosophy
  • Phone Booth (2002)
  • Politics
  • Psycho (1960)
  • Psychology
  • Puberty
  • Pulp Fiction (1994)
  • Rain Man (1988)
  • Reddit
  • Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes from Goosebumps
  • Revolution
  • Right Here Right Now by Fatboy Slim
  • Rock & Rule (1983)
  • Rocky (1976)
  • Saving Private Ryan (1998)
  • Saw movies (2004, 2010, 2005, 2006, 2008, 2007, 2009, 2012)
  • Scanners (1981)
  • Sexuality
  • Sherlock Holmes
  • Sid Meyer's Civilization games
  • Sign language
  • Silence of the Lambs (1991)
  • Skin tone
  • Social media
  • Spider-Man
  • Star Trek
  • Star Wars movies
  • Steven Universe
  • Subcultures
  • Superheroes
  • Superman
  • Team Fortress 2
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
  • The Big Wish (1990)
  • The Chozo, Space Pirates, Reptilicus, and the Luminoth from Metroid games
  • The Cold War
  • The definition of a game
  • The Godfather (1972)
  • The Hobbit
  • The Hunchback of the Notre Dame
  • The Kama Sutra
  • The Last Samurai (2003)
  • The Mario Brothers, Wario Brothers, and Toad from Mario games
  • The origins and development of languages
  • The Phantom of the Opera
  • The physical flaw of the neck (why do we need pillows?)
  • The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
  • These semi-random images
  • Things we do with our thumbs
  • Third world countries
  • This man who swallowed silver and turned blue
  • Thunderbirds (series)
  • Titanic (1997)
  • Tools and tool use
  • Touch your hands behind your back with your right arm over your shoulder and left arm under your shoulder. Now try with your left arm over your shoulder and right arm under your shoulder.
  • Tribes and tribe mentality
  • Troll 2 (1990)
  • Truman Show (1998)
  • Uniforms
  • Us by Regina Spektor
  • Vehicles
  • Waving
  • Weaponry
  • Weird exploitation movies
  • Wonder Woman
  • Written words
  • X-Men
  • Yes Man (2008)

Quick n' Dirty Humanoid

  1. Get a bipedal humanoid size Medium or Small
  2. Change anything except size and arms
  3. Give it armor and at least one weapon

Examples

Dungeon Rooms

  • The wizard's house contains a hallway that just keeps looping every time you walk through the door. If you walk back, close the door and use the right key to unlock it, the looping stops.
  • The castle is heavily guarded, you need to sneak outside of the king's chambers in order to get the crown.
  • You are imprisoned by ant-people, good thing they use a sugary substance to create their prison walls. But how to get out...
  • You encounter a man in the sewers playing the flute. Suddenly, a swarm of rats surround him and protect him from harm.
  • You encounter a woman with bright blue eyes. She keeps muttering to herself about things being really there. You learn that she was born with True Sight and never knew that she saw everything walking through the Ethereal Realm.

Adventure

They did it. They actually did it. Gnomes and Goblins working together and started creating a factory for a giant super-weapon. Goblins are stealing magical items left and right so the Gnomes have batteries to power their weapon. Their crafts have become crazy and chaotic, Goblin jet-packs, Gnomish grappling arms, steam tanks, air crafts, it doesn't end!

Monster

Slug Folk

Medium Humanoid, Neutral
AC 17 (shell), HP 26 (4d8 + 8), Speed 5 ft. climb 5 ft. (any surface)
STR 9 (-1) DEX 3 (-3) CON 14 (+2) INT 13 (+1) WIS 16 (+3) CHA 10 (+0)
Senses: Darkvision 120ft. passive perception 13
Languages: Common, Undercommon, Telepathy 120 ft.
Challenge: 1/2
Salt Sensitivity. When a Slug Folk comes in contact with salt, it will take ongoing 1 acid damage for one minute.
Hermaphrodite. The Slug Folk can change its sex at will.
Innate Spellcasting. The slug folk can cast the following spells without needing any material cost. Wisdom is its spellcasting ability for it.
At Will: Shillelagh, Resistance
1/Day each: Goodberry

Actions

Staff One melee attack, +0 to hit; 3 (1d8 - 1) bludgeoning damage. +3; 7 (1d8 + 3) bludgeoning damage if used with Shillelagh.

Other Outside the Manual posts:

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A and B (the first few chapters of a futuristic novel)

In their infinite leisure living in the progressive paradise of Eden, A and B went to watch a basketball game. It was a match between the Los Angeles Gorillas and the New York Chimps, at the ApeGarden. Now just to be clear, by the year 3018, racism has been abolished since there was no race left. Everyone was of the same race, but specism was still alive. Yes, the intolerant idea that different species were different and that we are not all just living organisms. Specism: the idea that one certain species is superior to all other species. It was so insufferably specist to so many human scientists and human activists that, trying to rectify the specist ways of ancient humans, they have demanded that our politicians to not only give all human rights, including to right to vote, to all living organisms, but have actively worked to create hybrids of humans and other animals, "species-mixing", in an attempt to abolish species and bring about the most equal world among all possible worlds.
"Who is that?" A pointed at a half man half gorilla hybrid at the center of the court. A is not a big fan of basketball, the game of the apes, and is still somewhat intolerant of transpecies people. It's understandable. A came from a small town in Kentucky. Everyone there is still a bit specist.
"That is Shaquille Oneal XI. It is the eleventh generation offspring of a famous NBA player and a female gorilla. That's why, you see, it is 8 feet tall, has the strength and beauty of a gorilla, and the intelligence of a human. Transpecies people are so beautiful!"
"I want to have a half ape half human baby when I grow up!" A exuberantly claimed, looking at the beauty, the robustness, and the deftness of the transpecies basketball player. "Look at how robust he is!"
“Oh! Did you just say 'he'!”
“Why? Is he supposed to be she?”
“We don't use those derogatory pronouns in this liberal utopia you little bigot. Please refer to the respectable transpecies people as it.”
“Oh gee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to …. well look at how robust it is.”
"Well, we don't call them Paranthropus Robustus for nothing!"
In fact, everyone on the LA Gorillas were half man half chimp. As A and B were speaking, Oneal XI on the court was surrounded by four defending chimps and with one swoosh it passed the ball out to Kobe Bryant XI who swiftly dunked the ball.
"Who's that sleek monkey?" A asked.
"That's not a monkey, you ignorant species chauvinist. That's a half man half chimp."
"If it is a half man half chimp, why is it not playing for the New York Chimps."
"O by the atheist secular god of progressive apes, you are so ignorant. New York Chimps are half man half bonobos. Bonobos are more gracile, but they belong to a subfamily of the chimps. Bonobos are actually the most feminist chimps. They are gentle, tolerant, and highly progressive, unlike you pure humans who are just so insensitive to the plight of all those wonderful species!"
"O I am sorry. I guess I need to be educated more to appreciate the way of the apes."
"Here, why don't you suck off this chimp's penis during half time. This will get you more culturally enriched."
It was a progressive entertainment of the era, to have human females appreciate the culture of the other species, by promoting inter-species relationships. All the human celebrities were doing it. And during major sports events, special celebrations and holidays, the government would have strong, independent, and beautiful people of different species to present their genitalia to human females so they can suck off their wonderful baby-making juices as a way to increase the tolerance level of human females.
"And after you suck off that chimp's penis, here's a horse cock you can take up your ass. You need to be more tolerant of other species, A!"
"I sure do! Oummph" A said as it gulped down the sperm of the hirsute chimp. Even though all gender has been abolished, A was spectacularly female, with tresses of blonde hair, a curvy figure and light colored eyes.
"Com'on, after the game, we are going to have dinner at my mom's house and meet its new cockroach boyfriend. I have a sister that's half human half cockroach. I bet you never met a half human half cockroach in Kentucky."
"Oh progressive lord of insects, that's so cool! I want to see a half human half cockroach! I'm getting a wonderful education here."
"An education in tolerance."
chapter 2
As A and B stepped outside of ApeGarden, they saw a human male walking a dog, and, being the naive Kentuckian A was, A greeted the man, and commented on how cute its dog was.
"That is my wife, you fucking bigot."
"Oh gee, sir, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. She's beautiful."
"Did you just assume its gender! It's a he, you fucking moron. Where you from, corn field of Kentucky?"
"Geez, A, you really shouldn't talk to random strangers in New York City. It's never a good idea."
As the man walked his dog past A and B, B did notice how beautiful his wife was. It was a human female, completely naked, with a dog tail plugged into her anus. It was definitely a half human half dog hybrid. Maybe the mix of a blonde woman and a golden retriever. And as it wiggled its ass as it crawled behind its owner, you can clearly see a tiny slit, indicating the female genitalia.
"How could he say it's a man when it clearly has a vagina."
"Oh my progressive god, A! You are so ignorant. Just because you have a vagina doesn't mean you are a woman. By Karl Marx, A. It's 3018, and you are still so sexist. Hey the 2080s just called. They want their sexism back."
By the year 3018, gender has been completely abolished. Not just for humans, but also for animals of every species, and insects and fishes of every kind; the sexual liberation was complete. Every living organism has the freedom to choose any gender of any assortment. As certain fish that transforms itself from female to male as it reaches puberty, so scientists of the modern era has devised artificial means by which every living organism can freely transform itself into any gender. Gender has become obsolete. Gender was a patriarchal product of the bygone era devised to oppress womyn, et al. And since gender was abolished, sexism no longer existed. It was truly the most perfect world imaginable.
"How can I be a sexist if gender doesn't exist?"
"Well, you just called that dog by its archaic pronoun. That's like using a slur from Elizabethan English. It's outdated. We refer everyone by it. It is also more respectable to living organisms of other species, unless you have the object's consent to call it by other pronoun. For instance, in this instance you identify as a woman, and you have given consent to others to refer to you as her, so that is okay, and since I identify as a human male, then you can refer to me as him, but if you do not know the person, it is very rude to refer to it as him or her. It's not only rude, it's against the law, and they can sue you for discrimination. It's not a joke. You can be jail for up to 70 years for using the wrong pronoun, so be very careful. Okay, enough of this nonsense. Let's walk around the neighborhood. Here you will see, one more block, where all the buildings are made out of garbage dumpsters, that's little cockroaches' town, that's where all the ..."
As B was speaking, he glanced to the side, and saw A stomping foot on the curb, and something brownish was squeezed out from the bottom of her high heel.
B's face turned pale.
"Did you just step a baby cockroach?"
"Ahhhlaaaaaaaaaaaaa akbar" was the sound of fury that emitted out of the door way of one of the garbage dumpsters, which was about 5 story high. Out came out a full grown cockroach, standing at 6 feet tall, with numerous legs all flinging wildly. "My baby!"
It could have eaten A alive were not for the cockroach police who arrived on the scene and promptly arrested A for murder.
"You can't just kill someone just because they are a different species. This is a hate crime. This is very very serious!" B explained, trying to be as calm as possible.
B can't believe what he was witnessing. A murder just happened in broad daylight. The Garden of Eden has fallen. The temptress of morally upright, religiously intolerant A has caused it to fall. The atheist god is now angry and is ready to cast them out of this wonderful progressive paradise and throw them into the real world, the underworld of lifetime in prison.
“The glorious day was made into night of dying horror!” B lamented his fate.
The cockroach police arrested both A and B for murder and hate crime, and B, to be honest, was a bit relieved to be out of sight because if he had stayed out in the streets a little longer, he would have been eaten alive by the numerous cockroaches that were coming out to the street, all of whom have witnessed yet another unprovoked murder of an innocent cockroach, and this time, a baby cockroach. It was the worst of all times. The entire progressive nation was rocked by waves of protests. Cockroaches all over the country were shaken and embittered over the numerous murders of innocent cockroaches and this, this very act, yet again. a haughty human woman who has slaughtered yet another innocent cockroach with her haughty feet, will no doubt be adding fuel to the fire and exacerbate the already tenuous inter-species relationship in the perfectly secular progressive multi-species society.
As A and B sat in the back of the police car, driven by two cockroach police, one of whom resembled a human more or else—it was either transpecies or half cockroach and half humans—over the tiny police car window B saw on the streets hundreds of protesters already gathering. They were shouting and cursing, spitting at the police car as the police car drove by. Those protesters truly reflected the diversity of this great nation. Not only cockroaches, but chimps, gorillas, orangutans, lemurs, and tarsiers all clamored about on the streets, shouting curses, chanting slogans and throwing rocks. The giant cockroaches, each standing over 6 feet all, led the wave in the front; some were standing upright, some were crawling on all fours, chasing as the criminal A and B were driven away. Each and every one was furious, and rightfully so. They were furious at the inequality of this paradise, at the virulent specism that is still alive in this perfect world, at the human chauvinists who think that they can get away with murder just because they are humans. Chants of kill all humans could be vaguely heard.
Kill all humans.
Two legs bad.
Kill all humans.
Two legs bad.
It didn't matter to them that some apes could walk on two legs. They were all united in their hatred at what they perceived as the two leg chauvinism, the idea that any animal that could walk upright and walk on two legs were superior to all other animals, and they especially resented the idea that there was even a hierarchy of dominance in this most perfect world among all possible worlds, with two legs being at the very top, four legs being inferior, and the most inferior of all, six legged and eight legged insects and arachnids at the bottom of this power hierarchy, literally being trampled upon, being the victims of genocide for nearly 1 billion years.
All this resentment being bottled up for 1 billion years! And now they finally have the right to be heard, to fight for their equality, to be equal; and the right to vote, to own property, to be treated with dignity for once in their 1 billion year of existence! O villainy!
"I fucking hate those cockroaches!" A said as she sat besides B, hands handcuffed behind her back.
"Will you shut the fuck up now!" B did not want to make the two cockroach police angry as they drove to the police station. They were already in a shit load of trouble, and the last thing he wanted was to be overheard saying hateful things against cockroaches or they might be charged with hate crime. Though death sentence has been abolished, thanks to our enlightened society, it is still possible to be given life sentences and with all the wonderful scientific progress and especially in medicine, humans can live for nearly one hundreds years, which is much worse than death. Imagine a torture, being forced to be alive, to endure life long solitude, with no means of escape.
"All the world's vastidity to a determined scope, in perpetual durance." The mere thought of it made B shudder and wished he could end this life as soon as possible.
"Well I don't really know what's the big deal."
While B was contrite and penitent and plotting to make every sacrifice to regain his freedom, the fucking idiot sitting next to B still didn't know how much trouble they were in.
"Oh A shut up shut up shut up! Oh, what's going to happen to you is even worse than you can imagine."
"I don't even know what I did wrong!"
"Quiet down back there!" The cockroach police sitting in the driver's seat finally yelled. "Fucking stupid cunt, doesn't she realize prisons are filled with cockroaches?" The other cockroach police snickered as it fiddled in the passenger seat.
chapter 3
"You see, A, you just don't get how amazing the cockroaches are. The cockroaches are a great species that can boast of many wonderful accomplishments, and it was humans that oppressed them, violently suppressed their once great civilizations. Did you know the cockroaches built the pyramids? The cockroaches invented cockroach numbers, cockroachalgebra, and hydracockroach. When I took cockroach studies 101 in college, my professor taught me that modern cockroaches are classified into three families: the proto-cockroaches, the human-cockroaches, and the cockroach-humans. The proto cockroaches have survived in their present form for nearly 2 billion years. Do you realize how much diversity the cockroaches have? Well, within the family of proto-cockroarches alone, there are over 400 different ethnicities of cockroaches. They are much much much more diverse than humans.”
"Woah, 400 different ethnicities of cockroaches. That's amazing."
"Indeed, you stupid human-specist-backward-sexist-bigoted-nazi-racist-KKK-member, the cockroaches are an amazing people and their amazing diversity is something that dumb fuck humans like you will never fully comprehend. Of course, all thanks to evil humans, many cockroaches were forced to adapt and become humans. You see, humans are greedy and want everything to themselves, so the proto-cockroaches intermingled with human females. Many of them didn't have a choice as humans killed all the female proto-cockroaches, and this forced the male proto-cockroaches to mate with human females, and this massive phenomenon wherein the cockroaches mated with human females produced a hybrid race of human-cockroaches. They are mainly distributed in Northern Europe and Japan. Interestingly, as the professor of my cockroach studies 101 explained, the cockroaches you see in America are in fact not human cockroaches but mostly cockroach-humans."
"What's the difference between human-cockroaches and cockroach-humans."
"Oh you silly human, even though we call them proto-cockroaches, Australian giant cockroaches, sea cockroaches, timber cockroaches, fire cockroaches, feminist cockroaches, Special Intersex Cockroaches, a.k.a. Sp. I. C., human-cockroaches, and cockroach-humans, you must realize, they are still all cockroaches. Some of them resemble humans to the hair, but deep inside they are still all cockroaches. They are all so wonderfully united as one. Even though they are incredibly diverse, they are yet all the same. Because they are all cockroaches."
"But what's the difference between human-cockroaches and cockroach-humans?"
"Well you might be a cockroach-human without even realizing it. Why yes, cockroach-humans are the most human-like cockroaches. They have complete human characteristics. They have hair, nose, ears, eyes, and limbs just like humans, but their DNA is 90% cockroach. They are called cockroach-humans. Now some human cockroaches can also be very very human-like, but you can still be able to tell the difference. With a cockroach-human, however, you will be hard pressed to tell which one is human and which is cockroach."
"But how did they become so human-like? By breeding with human females?"
"You are thinking of human-cockroaches. Those are the ones that are intermixed with human females. The cockroach-humans are actually cockroaches cloaked in human skin. By Michel Foucault, didn't you learn anything in school! The skinning technology, invented by Dr. Israelsberg, enabled some proto-cockroaches to live inside the skin of humans and over time they activated cellular compactification with their host, creating a hybrid that is what is now known as cockroach humans. A cockroach-human is completely human on the outside, and completely cockroach on the inside."
"That's amazing."
"And I haven't even begun to tell you about space cockroaches."
"Space cockroaches!"
"Oh yes, there are cockroaches on nearly every planet that we colonized. There are moon cockroaches, Mars cockroaches and Saturn moon cockroaches, and Venus cockroaches. In fact, some scientists believe that as early as the Eocene period there have been already outer-space cockroaches present. Mars cockroaches are said to be the most technologically advanced cockroaches. They were allegedly the ones who completely wiped out the human colonies on Mars but because no one survived, we were left clueless as to what really happened, but it is believed among the scientific community that the Mars cockroaches not only wiped out all the human colonies on Mars, killing all the human males, and enslaving all the human females, they even set up the hive mind for all cockroaches on Mars, and all the earthling cockroaches take order directly from the hive mind on Mars through quantum entanglement.'"
"Woah I didn't know cockroaches are so great."
"Yes. Even though the earthling cockroaches are an oppressed minority, they are the most dominant species on Mars, and given their hive-mind mentality, an attack upon a particular cockroach is an attack on all cockroaches, and that's why what you did was so scary. If the hive-mind learns of you and what you just did, the Mars cockroaches might even declare war on Earth and you will end up being enslaved in a cockroach colony and forced to breed out cockroach soldiers through your vagina. Well, I guess you will learn just exactly how grave your action was, because now we are at the police station."
chapter 4
"Oh my god that girl looks just like me! … Oh no!"
“Haha, have you not learned in college that ‘God is dead’?”
Just as A and B stepped out of the police car, as they were about the enter the police station, A, being a little naive about the world around her, spotted the K9 unit outside the precinct, and she spotted the cutest little dog that was crawling behind the burly cockroach police officer, but when she fixed her attention and stared, she realized it was a human female, in her 20s, her most fertile and fruitful age, being led around naked on a dog leash. She had strawberry blond hair just like A's. Her naked flesh glistened with a sheen of dewy sweat and reflected a golden color.
"But I’s say it's a bit more tanned than you." B interrupted.
"She must have got a lot of exercise outdoors."
A herself has lily white skin, the effect of not being in the sun alot.
"Look at her pink nipples. It's just like mine."
The canine human female was crawling on all fours and her breasts dangled in the air. And when the cockroach officer gestured with its hand, she hunkered down, resting on her heels, her arms straightened before her chest and squeezed her breasts into a pear shape.
"That's gonna be you someday. Now keep moving." The cockroach officer twisted A's neck in its claw and pressed her forward, while another officer pushed B in the back and together they went into the police station shoulder to shoulder.
"A. Height: 5 feet 4. Species: human. Subgenus: white female. Charges: one count of first degree murder. Class A felony. One count of hate crime. Class A felony. One count of first degree assault. Class B felony. One count of illegal possession of deadly weapon. Class D felony. One count of harassment. Class A misdemeanor. One count of disorderly conduct. Class B misdemeanor. Maximum sentence: 1000 years in solitary confinement.”
“B. Height: 5 feet 7. Species: human. Subgenus: Asian shemale. Charges: One count of hate crime. Class A felony. Maximum sentence: 500 years in solitary confinement. "
And B were led into a screen room where their mugshots were taken and the officer behind a large window read out their physical descriptions and complete DNA samples of their bio-maps were being programmed once they were stripped naked.
Two cockroach officers approached them, each holding a enormous rod with spikes and sharp knives covering its surface.
"Oh my god, what are those?"
"How many times do I have to tell you that “god is dead”? That's their penises."
"What?"
"Don't be alarmed. Cockroaches use their penises as a cutting tool much like how us humans use our hands."
"Can't they just use their hands. They have hands."
"Hey have some respect will ya? It's their culture. We need to be more tolerant of specie's culture and practices."
With their penises they cut off all the clothes A and B were wearing.
"Don't you see how wonderfully convenient it was? If it were human police, they would have taken off our handcuffs first and then strip us, but with their penises, they can just strip us without ever needing to uncuff our wrists."
"Okay now, time for cavity search."
A and B were now pushed against a wall, their hands still handcuffed behind their backs, and the two cockroach police officers aimed their penises at the criminally humans’ rectums.
"Look! This Asian shemale actually has a penis."
"This is illegal. Make a note of it. and report to the chief. That’s potentially another 100 years in solitary confinement, and mandatory castration without anesthesia."
After World War III, humans came to the conclusion that the reason humans are so warlike is precisely the aggressive nature of human males, and this aggression is rooted in human male testosterone and human male testosterone, it has been proven, is activated by the presence of male genitalia. Ever since law had been passed that all human males must be castrated and be given female hormones before the onset of puberty. Initially this was only practiced in the defeated countries, i.e., the axis of East Asia, China, Japan, and United Korea, but then the idea caught on in Europe, and the head of European Union, the Fourth Reich of liberal progressivism, world-famous for its anti-specism and love of all living things, the reincarnation of Buddha, mandated that all human male citizens be castrated. The United States was actually the last country to enforce castration laws, and even then it was only practiced on a state by state basis. The castration law was the strictest in New York, whereas in the southern states it was rather loose, with many human males still retaining their penises, against the mandate of the federal government. This castration law only applied to human males. All males of nonhuman species are exempt. In addition to the castration law, many more liberal states also voluntarily put female hormone into their tap water reservoir and many other food products that are almost all exclusively consumed by humans, so that all human males can be forcibly feminized from an early age. It was only the first step toward the abolition of gender. By eliminating human males, it was assumed, the states can finally end all wars, end all discrimination against females and other genders, and end the human male patriarchy that has been oppressing human females and other nonhuman species.
"You know, those things are rarer and rarer nowadays. I know a colleague who used to visit Thailand just to get a taste of it. Let's fuck this little Asian shemale before we castrate her."
B’s hearts jumped to her throat when she overheard this conversation by the two cockroach police.
"What about this lesbian white woman?"
"You actually just give me an idea for some fun."
“I do not know what they have in mind, but whatever that it is, I don't suppose it was fun for me or you.”
"I'm not a lesbian, sir."
"You and your Asian shemale friend are going to put on a lesbian sex show for us. Once we put you in the holding cell."
"But I'm not a lesbian."
Lesbianism is a mandatory study at the college level, and all students who identify as human females and are enrolled in state-sponsored collegiate education must learn how to perform lesbian sex act. A’s utter lack of such understanding proves once again her complete lack of higher education and also her backwardness and ignorance in general.
After A and B both were given cavity searches, well, A had more trouble with it than B because she had two holes down there, then the the two officers sent them to the holding cell.
"Noble cockroaches, we are completely naked." A protested as they were about to be pushed through a large corridor filled with not just police officers but many office clerks, and even common street folks who happen to be at the station.
Without saying a word the cockroach police punched A right on her breast.
"Ms. A, clothing is how humans oppress non-humans. Only humans wear clothes, but all non-humans do not wear clothes. Wearing clothes is the symbol of your human privilege and you just triggered that cockroach police officer with your insensitivity."
"Oh gee, I am so sorry cockroach."
"This human cunt needs a lot of sensitivity training. We might need to send her to tolerance camps before we sent her to trial."
Tolerance camps have been set up all across the world ever since the end of World War III, where all intolerant bigots, specists, and human chauvinists were concentrated in large groups on remote farms, to be reeducated. Live human experimentation were frequently carried out to seek out the best ways to cure those sick humans of their specism, to rid them of their diseased human chauvinism. Medical experimentation, psychological experimentation, vivisection, and other necessary experimentation for pushing the frontier of scientific progress further were carried out in tolerance camps. Now some of my readers might object, it's cruel to humans, but I ask you, my reader, is it any less cruel than all the non-humans that were sacrificed for the scientific progress of humans. millions upon millions of pigeon pigs, fruit flies, and rhesus monkeys were killed, raped, and tortured to death, for the sake of science, progress and enlightenment. Is it any more evil to rape a few specists and improve the lives of all living organisms? O you blockhead, cleanse your mind of the criminal human chauvinist thoughts that I see you still brood! Human all too human! Human must be overcome to pave way for the tolerant, progressive super humans.
A and B were led naked around the corridor of the police station. They passed through no less than five different metal gates, the first two gates were guarded by Special Intersex Cockroach police officers, and the third was guarded by a cockroach human who had human skin wrapped onto its Special Intersex Cockroach carapace, and the last two gates were guarded by human cockroaches who were a cross between cockroaches and humans. They were not yet human, and also not quite cockroach.
“Human cockroaches are the most despicable cockroaches. Though all cockroaches hate humans, no cockroach hates humans as much as human cockroaches.” B thought to himself, and then he turned to A and said: ”You see how much all those cockroaches love human females. The way they look at you. Do you know, A? My asian mother is even married to a cockroach because cockroaches love human females. Cockroaches love to breed with humans. I’m sure you will be bred by a cockroach, someday. Cockroaches can’t get enough of human skin and human vagina. I remember going through the supermarket and there was this Special Intersex Cockroach who would get all gibbering with nasty lyrics of love everytime he sees my mom, and there was this human cockroach who was over 700 years old living in our apartment complex and he gets all flirty with my mom every time he sees her and he would sneer at me every time he sees me. Honestly, I hate being a human male. I hate the very existence of me. And I can even see it now, very unfortunately for me, poor me, those cockroaches would probably torture me to death after they are done with you, because cockroaches hate human males. Human males are evil bigots who oppress non-humans and that’s why all human males are injected with female hormone as soon as we are born. I hate this miserable life of mine. A, are you listening to me?”
“Oh, that’s so nice! Hi cockroach police officer! Yes, why thank you, I know I have nice breasts. Ouch, that hurt. Stop slapping my ass with your cockroach tenacles. LMAO!”
A and B walked through a revolving staircase which led them into the basement which seemed markedly different from the rest of the structure. It was a concrete circular room with two doors. The door on the left was made entirely of glass that was at least 2 feet thick and when you look through the glass door, everything on the other side was pixelated and you could not make out the shapes or forms of the things on other side. And there was another door directly opposite that was made out of steel, and a very small plaque on the side of it was written in brown and gold color, "court". So by passing through the basement criminals can be both tried in courts and imprisoned in jails and this basement inside the police station was in fact just one hub of a massive underground structure linking all the courts, holding cells, prisons, hospitals and psychological evaluation centers, within the New Prison State.
“Why New Prison State? I thought we are in New York?”
“Because after World War III, they had to rebuild many of the prisons so they renamed it the New Prison State. It used to be called Prison State.”
“What happened to New York?”
“Yes, it was named after the old York.”
“But what happened to New York? It feels so strange walking on concrete on my bare feet." All the walls were painted black, and while once in a while they could pass through a section of the structure with white walls, the fluorescent light made it pale like death. One can smell the hopelessness just by being inside it.
A and B went through the pixellated glass door which led through a corridor which on each side of this corridor had small rooms marked with "Psychological Evaluation". Some of the doors to those small rooms were open. Some closed. And there was a window on all of the doors with the exact same type of glass as the glass door they just passed through. After walking through nearly 20 such completely identical rooms, A and B passed through a large open area with a desk and there was three police officers who were half human and half ape. It was the first time that they saw non-cockroach police officers. A or B asked B or A: "Are there not a single human police officer?"
A or B then shouted out loud. “I want to die,” in the most savage and most barbaric sound imaginable. There was no humanity left in either A or B. Very soon, A and B would be immersed into this same sea of cockroach legs and ape hair.
So rightfully A and B were immediately restrained by the cockroach police officers. They were pushed to the ground, held there, and electric batons were applied immediately to their human flesh. It was easier to beat up humans, because humans do not have the insulating carapace as the cockroaches. Afterward there was no more speaking. No more sound. Just the silence of despair.
No longer walking, they were now dragged through a long empty corridor with walls pale like death, and then turned left, and then turned right, and then turned left again, and at the end of the bright-lit tunnel of torment steel bars glistened.
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