Dark Horse Racing Betting System

Shortened seasons tend to be the years when we get upset victories. Since we have further irregularities in the loss of home court advantage, players being rusty, others not coming to play, and upset player chemistry we have the weirdest season in history. If there’s been any playoffs in my lifetime where we could really expect a dark horse to win it all, the time is now.
I’m still expecting one of the big 3 contenders to win, but I’m not taking my eye of the other teams. Who do you think has the best shot at the chip besides the Lakers, Clippers, and Bucks?

As always, these rankings reflect who is most likely to win the game...
CONTENDERS
1. Tommy- Yes, he's the only person I'm putting in the contenders category this week. As far as I'm concerned, Tommy is so far and away the most likely person to win the game that he deserves to be in a class by himself. He and Lauren were really the ones calling the shots this week, and he's one of the few people who came away relatively unscathed in the whole Dan fiasco. If I had to bet between Tommy and the field at this point, I'd bet on Tommy.
DARK HORSES
2. Missy- Despite her villainous actions in this episode, Missy is still the most viable candidate to beat Tommy at this point. She's been portrayed as cunning and cutthroat, but I don't think the show wants us to think of her as the villain of the season (especially with Dan still around). She was front and center in the strategy talks this episode, and has been seen as one of the main strategists throughout the season.
3. Janet- Although I think Janet's status in the game was significantly damaged this week, her stock as a winner has never been higher. Janet was obviously the most sympathetic character this week (or at least 1A with Kellee), and you'd have to have a heart of coal to not be rooting for her at this point.
4. Aaron- This was a pretty quiet merge episode for Aaron, other than the backlash he got for his comments during the Jamal boot tribal. I'm not really buying Aaron as a legitimate candidate to win the game, but his edit has been pretty consistent, as he's gotten a confessional in every episode.
5. Karishma- I still think Karishma is being set up as a FTC goat instead of a real contender, but her content has remained pretty consistent throughout the season.
6. Elizabeth- She made one of the most disgusting gameplay moves I've ever seen in Survivor history embellishing her discomfort with Dan. It says a lot about this season that despite this, Elizabeth still is a dark horse for me to win the game. She's been fairly involved in the strategy talks this season, and I just don't see a reason for her to be taken out anytime soon.
LONG SHOTS
7. Lauren- Right now she's being portrayed as Tommy's right-hand woman. While I think she's playing a very solid game (she was shown to be the one flipping Missy to her side), I don't see her winning based on her edit throughout the season.
8. Elaine- As much as I like Elaine, for her to be almost invisible during the merge episode almost torpedoes her chances to win. She's now gone 4/9 episodes this season without a confessional, so it's really hard for me to see a winner getting an edit like that.
9. Dean- Detective Dean had a fairly quiet merge episode. I guess that's not a terrible thing given what happened this week, but with Kellee out and the fake legacy advantage putting a target on his back, it's going to be uphill sledding for Dean.
10. Noura- She was also fairly quiet at the merge, getting just one confessional over the two episodes.
11. Dan- All I will say is this season is going to have a dark cloud over it as long as Dan remains in the game, and will probably continue even after he's out.

Disclaimer: It's ghetto. Link.
So whenever somebody asks about point tallies, people say record the points every hour and that'll help you make your bet. Then I asked, if someone's already doing it why don't they just share it on a google spreadsheet? So I did just that to help people make informed decisions when betting and to hopefully have a community effort to record the data. I have no excel skills so feel free to make a better version.
I used this small amount of data from round 2 to actually win my first bet. Before I went to bed, South was in the lead but East was gaining at the fastest rate. I put two bets on South and two bets on East. When I woke up, East won. Since they weren't in the lead at first, their E-S-N bet was worth a whole lot more crystals than the S-E-N bet. Does this data actually help? Who knows? It's just nice to have on hand.
EDIT: Thank you all for contributing! There are even people who update it every 20 minutes, so thank you guys. As for the extra formula charts that others have contributed predicting the end results, please bare in mind that predictions are just that. There are 6 hours of the final stretch that we can't record so everything is still up in the air. Consider things like how in round 3, North and South are neck and neck with even their points per hour gained being similar, so it could go either way and you may want to opt out this round or split your bet. There are all sort of strategies you can use with the data including noticing trends at different times of the day, so please don't blindly follow a linear slope and think that you'll be a millionaire. Good luck fellow gamblers!
EDIT 2: Round 3's results were actually predicted by the spreadsheet, awesome job guys! Wasn't a real lucrative time to win, but encouraging nonetheless. Also, thank you Zellith for linking a real time tracker. From what I've seen, we can take the data from that instead of looking at the results through the game, although double-checking never hurts. As always, bet at your own risk but hopefully we can predict Round 4!
EDIT 3: Prediction failed! Round 4 ended up being S-W-E instead of W-S-N. I read someone mention that he or she believed that East would make a comeback and they did to get 3rd place instead of fourth. S beating W was also within expectations as they were close before betting ended. So during the six hours of no betting, those who were slightly behind ending up beating those who were slightly ahead. Our current formulas had no way of predicting this however. Hopefully nobody lost too many tickets, good luck in the next round!
EDIT 4: Round 5 is over and it went as predicted! There weren't any surprises at the end this time so sorry if you bet on any dark horses. I thought that if I bet earlier I could get more (each bet was worth about 350 when I bet) but I guess it fixes the amount at the very end. This means that the best time to bet is always after 5:40pm JST which was news to me. Anyway, thank you everyone for helping, it was a lot of fun! Good luck betting at the next guild war!

Black Betty Black bet he'd block Betty's Black Beauty.

This is me trying to basically organize all the light spirits and guardian dragons and horse gods for my own sake and basically trying to create some sort of organization for them, by having the most powerful first on the list. If I miss anyone important do tell.

The Golden Goddesses

Assuming that the creation myth doesn’t get retconned, we know that Din was able to put in the triforce “unimaginable power”, which by all accounts seems impressive. Also Farore probably made Force, and if not her then Nayru, considering force kinda acts as a fundamental element of the land, and a part of at least a few gods like the Ocean King. Top tier 10/10 thanks for hyrule.

Lorulian Counterparts (maybe)

This could just be the Golden Goddesses again, since they made the same exact triforce and thats pretty recognizable. But assuming its not the golden goddesses, these diamond deities presumably have a similar creation myth, where one yeeted some dirt in the sandbox, one put it in survival mode and the other spawned all the cows and people, so they only go below for possible lack of existence.

Hylia

As protector of the Triforce, it would make sense that she was created by the Golden Goddesses, and also she has clairvoyance so, pretty high up there. Also gives Zelda at least some of her powers and Zelda is one of the most powerful characters on paper, so here she goes. Also this is pure conjecture but maybe 6 other gods on the elements from OoT?? Since we know Zelda aka Hylia 20.0 is the leader of the sages maybe there were 7 god sages around this time. I dunno im a filthy casual. This is mainly based on the lord of the mountain being the reincarnation of a sage and?????? Honestly kinda gives some divinity vibes.

Demise

Hes below Hylia purely because he lost. All things considered I’m pretty sure he is the single most fundamental force because his curse is the reason for all. These. Sequels. And there is no power like making cash grabs.

Goddess of Time

???????????? May be Hylia may be Terminian Hylia. Probably has a lot of time powers which is generally very strong.

Spirits Of Good

Could just be the Golden Goddesses again i think???? Generally follows their MO of “do big fancy impressive things and then fuck off”, and also made trains which in my eyes is decently impressive considering they were boat farers that suffered semi prevalent societal collapse a generation or few ago.

Ocean King

Has a whole ocean named after him so I assume he has a lot of power. Also one of the people with the highest amount of Force, enough to make a sword able to stop time (I think the text confirms its the sword with the power and not ciela) while also providing Bellum with a whole bunch of power, enough to create every phantom and also I think create the ghost ship. So like, probably the biggest Force Source we have seen so far, and that seems powerful.

Girahim and Malladus

Why am I putting Malladus so high? Because he was so important they actually had lasting impact across the land directly with all the anti malladus equipment needed in New Hyrule. Seems like a decently sized threat, especially since he gets you to the Dark World which is as far outside of creation as we have seen. Also, Girahim is an Anti Master Sword, and claims to be a Demon Lord if memory serves, so he can probably vibe here in the Demon Nobility Rank below the King of Demons Demise.

Fi (Maybe????????)

Presumably is Girahim’s equal without an army???????????????? Also the Master Sword is generally just really effective at Killing Gods when someone can swing her around so she has some of the strongest anti curse magic even if its from Hylia’s Blessing or the Wind and Earth Sage’s Prayers or The Hero’s Force or WHATEVER

Bellum

I think most of his power displayed comes from his stealing of the Ocean King’s force, but also?? Stealing Force seems pretty powerful like he ate all of Zelda’s force in seconds it seems from the scream, while Vaati had a whole 3 chime countdown. Presumably only as strong as the most Force Filled being he can sneak up on.

Fierce Deity and Majora

I have no idea if these are divine, just really strong souls that have been steeped in too much magic or part of a fever dream. But like Majora summoned a moon and the Fierce Deity is somehow tied to Majora if memory serves so like. Im putting them here for safety.

Queens of the Fairies and That Horse God™️ Malanya

Here we get to the more normal people. Like the glassy eyed motherfucker that was WW’s Queen of the Fairies. Assuming she is the mother of all Great Fairies, presumably she has a lot more power, with Ice and Fire arrows powerful enough to melt an island and freeze a volcano. Malanya is here because they basically has the powers of a fairy but for horses and I think with infinite range through time and space?? Plus they are a “god” and everything below here isn’t very god like so.

Great Fairies

Can generally survive the worst calamities and are able to create stuff like the Great Fairy’s Sword, assuming Terminian Great Fairies are the same breed as Hylian Great Fairies, which is basically the closest thing to a Sword of Evil’s Bane we get in Majora’s Mask. Also could presumably revive Link since they command Fairies that can. Also generally inaccessible so I can only assume very dangerous to the general populace.

Great Deku Tree, The Jabu Line, and Valoo

Also maybe the trees from oracle of seasons and ages????? I dunno if they are international deku trees. Anyways, I think they are each around the same level since Jabu Jabu and the Deku Tree are both killable by Ganon but also Guardian Deities to their land in OoT, and are part of the same group in WindWaker, so I think its a safe bet. Also, since the Deku Tree can have children thats how I explain the changing names of Jabun and Jabu Jabu.

Cyclos and Zephos (and the one from ocean king’s realm)

I think they give the Windwaker’s titular wind powers??? Also control wind in general which is usually plenty powerful, I assume they are like. Decently Powerful.

Spirits of Light

Have the vague power of refusing Twilight’s Existence, but also are wimps in their game (to be fair everyone outside of link ganondorf and midna are kinda sidelined in TP so.) Very nice CG budget tho get these guys to do all the scenes.
Unranked because of how...vague? They are.

Windfish and maybe Sunfish????

All we know is that 1 definitely exists and is able to dream up the realest dream we see in the series. Might just be levias??? Might be gods of weather with the rumored Sunfish??? Could be the Ocean King.

Seven Sages and subsequent Generations minus Zelda

This goes back to what I mentioned about Hylia but like. They “awaken” like SS Zelda did to get memories slash some power (???) of the goddess, in BotW we see the Lord of the Mountain whose Bio I believe mentions he is the reincarnation of a Sage in which case????? Whats up with that most sages can’t glow this much without 6 more???? And also the fact that Zelda is one, and yet is also the reincarnation of the Goddess. I dunno, seems kinda sus that one sage is the reincarnation of a god and the rest just apparently vibe with an element. This is really just wild speculation though, theres probably something somewhere that disproves it.

The Oracles

I have no idea if these are vassals for their respective goddess or in part or just. Basically Time Travelers that take after the names of the Golden Goddesses.

The Sand Colossus

Could be on the level of Deku Tree and Jabu line, could just be like. Din or something. Could be someone entirely new who just vibes in Hyrule.
Theres probably a whole bunch I missed?? Please put any corrections in the comments im actually curious if im missing any gods or if im just mischaracterizing some.

Intro
I recently listened to the Reverie Stream (fantastic video, really fun) and was surprised that mostly everybody expressed concern or resentment for the treatment of Big Mom. It’s been a common concern that Big Mom has been turned into a gag character. Honestly, I don’t really blame them, Oda has been doing some WEIRD things with Big Mom including the typically super obnoxious amnesia plot line (I’m going to argue the amnesia is actually brilliant later). Everybody, including me, wants all the yonko to be super hard badasses, but that is not Big Mom’s purpose. I will argue that Big Mom is a beautifully written character and the true antagonist of the first half of the New World.
Luffy’s Dark Mirror
Big Mom is a dark Mirror of Luffy’s character; the two share so many qualities they are almost the same person who followed different roads. Yes, Big Mom is a gag character, but Luffy is too. For every “that wouldn’t have worked if Big Mom wasn’t an idiot” moment, there are a dozen similar idiotic gags for Luffy. Take Luffy Gum Gum rocketing into his crew, or getting caught under water after trying Gum Gum Pin Wheel for the first time IN A SERIOUS BATTLE, but being a gag character isn’t the only thing that makes them similar.
Big Mom and Luffy share a variety of traits. In fact, if it wasn’t evil, Luffy would adore Whole Cake Island. Luffy is every bit a glutton for meat that Big Mom is for candy. They are both extremely childish and burdens to their own crew. Both adore feast and festivals and get upset at their interruption. Both are very inclusive to a variety of races and peoples.
If you aren’t convinced that Big Mom is Luffy’s mirror character, look at whole cake islands. THERE ARE LITERALLY MIRRORS EVERYWHERE. Oda could not be any more cheeky than that with that obvious yet subtle hint. The biggest complaint about Big Moms gags is that they make her look incompetent, but that’s kinda the point. She’s an incompetent, powerful threat; Just like Luffy. Ultimately, Big Mom serves as an example of what not to do, and Luffy ultimately end up growing as a Captain because of her. After Whole Cake Island, Luffy noticeably changes as a Captain after experiencing the Captaining of Big Mom (more on that later). I believe Luffy will clash with Big Mom the island after Wano, probably in Elbaf, where he will both complete his transformation into a great Captain and fulfill his promise to big Mom to “kick her ass all over the new world”
Inspirational Figure (Shanks/Mother Carmel)
Another similarity and clue as to why Big Mom is Luffy’s true antagonist for the first half of the new word is their beloved heroes. Luffy has Shanks, a pirate hero who would tell him takes of the sea. Big Mom had Mother Carmel, a woman who gave her a family. They both even have a treasure of their mentors; Luffy his hat and Big Mom her portrait. Unsurprisingly this is also the first divergence in the two’s path as one had a nurturing mentor and the other a manipulative orphan peddler. Shanks, while carefree, scolds Luffy when he’s out of line and encourages Luffy when he really needs it. Big Mom, on the other hand, had an illusion. This also marks the start of illusions, delusions, false memories, and various other mental issues being a theme for Big Moms character.
Big Moms Memory
Big Mom has a really complex character on top of an actual mental disorder. However, while I note Big Mom’s mental disorder (where she blacks out and rampages), I don’t actually believe it to be relevant to who she is otherwise. It is, however, yet another example of Big Mom having memory issues. She doesn’t remember anything when she rampages. Big Mom is plagued by a variety of memory issues.
Memory of Mother
She misremembers Mother Carmel. Big Mom still believes her maternal figure to be a saint when that couldn’t be father from the truth. Oh, and she doesn’t remember eating her. Big Mom is starting to look real forgetful.
Dialogue
If you pay careful attention, Big Mom often uses the phrase “I remember” when she speaks. Etc “I remember you said you were gonna kick my ass mugiwara.” Or “I remember you’re one of the rookies form the worst generation” (Sorry is I misquoted but it’s along those lines)
Children
Some of Big Moms children have abilities related to memory or illusions. Brulee can make illusions with mirrors. Pudding can literally alter memories, many theorize she has altered Big Moms in the past. Mont-d’Or can trap people into books, like a photo album, you know, where people keep their memories.
Defending the Amnesia
While amnesia is usually the laziest writers tool, Oda has worked really hard diligently foreshadowing it. The amnesia was thematic, just another example of Big Moms messed up memories. The question becomes, why did Oda choose to continue this theme for Big Mom in Wano. I believe Oda is continuing to show big mom having memory issues to keep it relevant to her character because he intends to wrap up Big Mom’s character at a later arc. Probably in Elbalf, the source of her memory issues, Big Mom will be forced to confront the truth and finally break the illusion.
Is Memories a Strong Enough Theme for the First Half of the New World?
Memories are absolutely a fantastic theme for the first half of the New World. At the end of the day, One Piece is about adventure, and, often, memories are the only treasures we keep from the journey. Oda confirmed memory of the journey wasn’t going to be the One Piece, but it doesn’t mean it’s not a prominent role in the story. Luffy is often powered by his memories of his friends.
Big Mom’s Dream
Big Mom’s dream is actually quite peaceful and admirable. Big Mom wants all the races of the world to be in her family and eat with her at eye level. The horrific, violent, and cannibalistic methods used to achieve this however makes Big Moms Disney-easy appearance a facade (another illusion-yes, I am beating that dead horse). Dreams are the very essence of one piece, and Luffy actually lives his life as inclusively as Big Mom. But while both are highly inclusive, Big Mom is driven by the value of family, as she learned from Mother Carmel, and Luffy’s, inspired by Shanks, believes in freedom. Luffy fought for the freedom of his crew mate Sanji was Big Mom was trying to force him into his family. I believe that Luffy isn’t done freeing people from Big Mom’s family.
Katakuri
Luffy fights Katakuri in the mirror World (doesn’t feel as subtle anymore, does it?). While Luffy’s ultimate antagonist is his character mirror Big Mom, katakuri was his physical mirror, and superior. I never thought of this until I began writing this, but in a way, Katakuri is fighting his own mother, as Luffy is her mirror. As the fight went on, Katakuri started to believe in what Luffy was fighting for, freedom. He ends up tossing aside his mask (another illusion metaphor, continuing to beat that horse) and freeing himself from the role of the family’s perfect son. Big Mom has a huge family, but because their is no freedom, there is little genuine love. It’s super corny, but Luffy shows how freedom can lead to authentic, genuine loving relationships, some even stronger than family.
More Evidence Big Mom is Not Done in Wano
Katakuri asks if Luffy will come back and defeat Big Mom (between the lines: will you free my family) and concedes defeat when Luffy says yes. Luffy then puts a hat over Katakuri’s face. This is a sign of respect, but also, Luffy has only put hats on people when he’s going to fight for them or protect them. Yes, it’s usually the straw hat, but it’s close enough for me. Luffy may have not fully freed Katakuri (yet), but he has freed someone else.
Jinbe
Jinbe allied himself to Big Mom after the fall of White Beard. Of the 4 yonko, Fishman Island is protected by Big Mom, Luffy’s mirror. Jinbe aligns himself to the person with the power to protect his people that was most like Luffy, but inclusion came at a cost with Big Mom. We all know what happened at the end of the day
Is Big Mom Weak - My Gripe with the Reverie
Because Big Mom is such a gag character, it’s easy to write her off as weak compared to the other yonko. Some of then did argue that it makes the straw hats look good, not Big Mom bad, but they did so VERY begrudgingly (again I get it, we want her to be badass). HOWEVER! YOUTUBERS! ALL THE EVIDENCE IS UNDER YOUR NOSE
Jinbe (Again)
For two whole years Jinbe was working for the Big Mom pirates. TWO YEARS. This man is one of the wisest most experienced dudes out there, you don’t think he was observing Big Mom, thinking of ways to deal with her. Remember when we wondered for YEARS where Jinbe was after Fishman island and the very first thing we see him to is immediately placate a raging Big Mom? Jinbe, who was part of the shikibukai, a group of pirates pretty much designed to fight yonko, should be able to stall a yonko. Big Mom has often looked foolish because of the straw hats, but it’s usually when Jinbe was there.
Other Straw Hats
Brook has a devil fruit that counters Big Mom. He’s significantly weaker than Big Mom, but his powers are just enough to damage or affect Big Mom. Nami is a clever weather goddess that turned Big Mom against herself. Franky has vegapunk tech.
Big Mom Looks Bad
It’s true that she’s a gag character, and it can be hard to take her seriously. She gets clowned more than the other yonko. She’s so powerful and yet multiple supernova were able to invade her land and make her look bad. Big Mom is definitely an incompetent yonko, to the point where it seems like her kids take care of her. AND LUFFY SEE’S ALL OF IT.
Luffy’s Development
Luffy straight up challenges big mom to a fight on Fishman Island, his very first island in the New World. This was the typical super reckless Luffy, and yet Zoro and Sanji stood by his side as they realistically knew they’d have to challenge the Big Mom Pirates eventually. Then, in the very best Island Luffy gets defeated by Ceaser, and Zoro CHEWS HIM OUT!! Tells him to get a grip and take things seriously. Luffy starts out in the new world as aloof and goofy as Big Mom is. In fact, what Ceaser does to Luffy is a lot like what the Straw Hats do Big Mom. Luffy agrees to this, but still acts rather recklessly throughout the next few arcs. Abandoning plans left and right, leaving for whole cake when he should go to Wano, fighting Donflamingo. My point is, Luffy is a reckless, aloof mess of a Captain.
But then Luffy goes to Whole Cake Island and sees how a Captain like him can be bad. He sees how Big Mom’s children get in their own way trying to placate Big Mom. He sees how Big Mom’s carelessness leaves her exposed. Luffy knows Big Mom is stronger than him, he keeps telling her he’s not ready to fight her, and yet Morgan’s isn’t wrong, he bested her. Then we get to Wano.
Immediately after entangling with Big Mom, Luffy has some of the most noticeable characters growth I have ever seen from him. Luffy is stern when it’s time to get serious, not always donning his signature carefree smile. He’s also starting to actively give orders in Wano, even to allies that aren’t in his crew. He’s also concerned about Law’s plans and people following them (even though he still misses the point). Luffy saw his own weaknesses in Big Mom and learned from them.
Luffy NEEDS to Overcome Big Mom
Big Mom is Luffy’s dark mirror that he needs to defeat before fighting his foil, Blackbeard. Luffy has already grown from fighting Big Mom. Additionally, the Straw Hats have clashed with the Big Mom Pirates on every New World Island except Punk Hazard. Defeating Big Mom will mark that Luffy has overcome his own weaknesses and that he’s ready for his next arena, the end game of One Piece.
TL;DR Big Mom is a joke because she’s Luffy’s mirror and an amplification of his flaws. Oda has subtlety been using Big Mom to develop Luffy as a Captain and will finish their fight and development in the next island, probably Elbalf. When it’s time for Big Mom’s final fight, I bet you see will look exceedingly bad ass.

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I'd never been very fond of tea. Iced tea, sure. The Arnold Palmer was probably my favourite drink in the world. But actual proper tea? Well, I wasn't a fan of hot leaf water, thin and unsatisfying as it was.
But after the incident with Will, Valentine had suggested that I take a break, try some of the tea. It felt an awful lot like being sent to my room, but I didn't argue, embarrassed as I was. So I'd found the set of punch cards, picked the tea I'd disliked the least, and a moment later a stream of hot black tea filled the tiny porcelain cup.
It was all I could do not to crush it to dust in my fist. My anger at Will had burned itself out, leaving only frustration. Simon had seen me lose it, and Valentine had seen me lose it. Damn it all, getting hauled off to another world was supposed to be a chance for me to start over. And here I was falling back into the same old destructive patterns.
I looked up with a start as the latch clicked open, and Valentine appeared in the doorway. Still at the threshold, she took a deep breath before stepping inside and closing the door.
"Good," she said pleasantly, "It doesn't smell as if you're about to tear someone limb from limb, anymore."
"Yeah..." I said slowly, "Sorry about that."
Valentine frowned in confusion for a moment, before rolling her eyes and sighing in exasperation. She came over to the couch I was monopolizing, sat down in my lap, and put an arm around my neck.
"You thought I'd be angry with you?"
"Yeah, I did kinda lose my shit at Will. And I-" I hesitated, "I've really liked, you know, this," I said vaguely, gesturing at her on my lap, "And then, well, I went and did what I did."
Val absently flicked her wrist, "You didn't throw me in a river- today -and besides, you said it yourself. Like it or not, by taking the hotel we've made ourselves the local rulers, and I can only imagine what the baroness would have done had someone disrespected her in the manner Will did. And Temerity? If she were feeling merciful, perhaps she'd have him flogged, though death would not be out of the question. This world is crueller and harsher than the one you left, a leader cannot accept such disrespect, lest they not remain in power for long."
She patted my cheek, "But you did make two mistakes. Will did need to receive his comeuppance, but it should have been better reasoned. Thankfully I don't believe Simon saw much of what happened before the human struck the window, so as far as he knows, it was well reasoned."
"What about Matt?" I asked, "The gynoid?"
"Neither of them is of any consequence. But there is still your second mistake. I am not a reward for good behaviour," she intoned, her voice a near growl, “You beat the hell out of someone, whether they deserve it or not, and what, I'm supposed to scorn your affections to teach you a lesson? Or perhaps you carry a dozen orphans from a burning building, am I to swoon and throw myself at your feet? No," she growled, "If I want you, I will have you. Or perhaps I'll decide that men are not to my taste, and I'll invite girls from The Blushing Maiden to warm my bed. Whatever I choose, it will be that way precisely because I am the one that gets to choose, and not because the gods are rewarding you with a pretty toy," she held up a clenched fist, "Forget that, and I'll thump you until you remember."
I cast a side-eyed glance at her delicate little hand, and when my gaze returned to her face, I found her smirking.
"I know," she agreed readily, "I'd probably break my hand, and then wouldn't you feel terrible."
I raised my hands, "Okay, okay. Please, no thumping."
Val hopped up, "I'm glad we've had this talk. Now if you're finished sulking, the gynoid and I finished the puzzle. The penalty timer should be almost over, and we're only a few minutes behind Simon. Come now, I imagine the two of us will need a translator for this next puzzle, and you'll have to do."
"Amazing."
Valentine dropped her arms to her sides and gazed up at me with a degree of exasperation in her eyes that had only previously been achieved under laboratory conditions.
I gave her a wry smile and a shrug.
Valentine looked over at the gynoid, "I could have half a dozen of The Blushing Maiden's most inventive girls at my beck and call, and instead I'm following this idiot around."
Unable to understand Val's words, the gynoid furrowed her brows in confusion, "Your presence clearly arouses the small purple woman, but your words appear to frustrate her. Perhaps you should consider remaining silent more often."
Val raised an eyebrow as my face began to flush, and she glanced between the two of us.
"Excuse me?" I demanded.
"My programming is tuned to recognize certain physical signatures," the gynoid explained, "Pupil dilation, firmness in certain areas, rate of breathing, dampness in others-"
"I get it! You can tell we're horny. I don't need the details!"
"Well, not yourself. You seem much more temperate, at least where Valentine is-"
"So the rules for this one are really simple," I began loudly, in Elvish, and the gynoid subsided demurely, "Finish the maze as fast as you can. It's dark inside, which is why we've got the oil lamps there."
Val smirked, "Anything else?"
"That's it."
"You certain?" She asked, nodding towards the gynoid, "Because it feels like there's a little more going on."
"Maybe I'll swing by The Blushing Maiden and scoop up your favourite girls," I glowered, "Then I won't need to put up with your nonsense."
The rulebook hit the lectern with a thump, and I bent to scoop up a lantern. I lit it, stuffed the box of matches into my pocket, and strode into the maze.
The threshold of the maze was more of the rough masonry work that I'd by now grown familiar with, and I was careful not to catch a toe on the edge of a flagstone as I strode deeper into the maze.
The wavering lamplight reflected dully off the stones, with none of the wet sheen I'd come to expect. The smell of damp was still in the air, but faint, and I could hear no rushing water.
The harsh edges and square corners of the corridor gave way to a winding passage of raw stone. Beyond excavating the passage, little work had been done to finish it. Here and there I could still see the tool marks left by the miners' picks. The girls caught up with me only a moment later, Val close at my right, and the gynoid behind my left shoulder.
The sinuous passage carried on for only a dozen or so strides before it shifted back into a dead straight corridor of worked stone. I lifted the lamp, and could just make out the ghost of a T-junction another dozen paces further. Turning around, I realized why they'd left part of the entrance in-the-raw, as it were. The curves were enough to hide the light of the maze's antechamber, and I suspected that if I were standing at the junction, that the way back to the entrance would look like any of the others.
"Have either of you got anything to mark our path with?" I asked, once in Elvish and again in French.
"I have a pen here somewhere," Val muttered, digging around in her pockets, "It's not meant for hard surfaces, but the ink glows in the dark. It could work."
"I have an internal compass," the gynoid provided, "Though I'm not certain how much use it will be."
"It'll keep us pointed in the right direction at least. With the entrance behind, an exterior wall and Simon's maze to either side, it stands to reason the exit is that way," I pointed out.
"Ah, here it is."
There were a couple false starts as Val worked to get the pen to write on the stone, but in short order, she'd managed a little sketch of a door on the wall of the corridor.
We paused at the junction, and I considered our options while Val knelt to scribble on the floor. The lanterns weren't dim, not by any means, but even so, it was hard to make out much of consequence. One corridor looked much like another.
I still had one of Val's magic torches on me, and they were a lot more durable than the oil lamps, so I took it out, flipped it on, and threw it down the corridor to our right.
"Hey!" Valentine protested.
"What?" I retorted, "Now we can see what's down there, come on, give me yours, and we can see what's down the other one."
"Or we could just walk over there," she insisted, pointing at the torch I'd thrown.
It had come to rest a fair ways off, inside what looked to be a chamber of some sort. The floor was made up of large stone boards, for lack of a better term, and I saw an opening in the far wall.
"Unless you plan on leaving the torches where they lay, we will need to fetch them back."
Ah, yeah, that was a good point.
"Alright, I'll-"
There was a huff of breath, of the sort you might expect from something as large as a horse, or a bull. I raised the lantern, but needn't have bothered. Down the left-hand passage, nearly at the level of the roof, could be seen two burning coals.
The creature's footfalls shook the floor, and as it emerged into the lamplight, I made out the shape of a bull's head atop the body of a giant. Its chest and abdomen were well-muscled and tanned to a bronze sheen. Its wicked horns pointed forward and gleamed like steel. Its breath steamed in the air as it drew nearer, and the red-hot eyes seemed to pulse with every heartbeat.
"Bugger me," Valentine breathed.
"Merde," the gynoid agreed, both of them already backing towards the other corridor.
I reared back and pitched the lantern at the minotaur. It caught the creature in the upper chest, just below the neck, and shattered. The oil inside spilt across its chest and burst into flame, but still, the creature came inexorably onwards.
I had broken into a run even as I'd thrown the lantern, and now fought for more momentum as I charged the minotaur.
The flames might not have fazed the creature, but in the darkened corridor, they were enough to blind it to my approach. I caught it utterly off-guard as I struck it about the waist, hard enough that my teeth clacked together and my head rang with the impact.
We went down in a clattering heap with me atop the thing, and I scrambled for purchase as it thrashed under me. My left hand found one of the horns and held fast. With it for leverage, I pulled myself up to kneel on its chest and drove my fist into its snout with all of my strength. The shock travelled up my arm, a lance of pain that seemed to start at my fingertips, burn through the marrow, and spread across my chest.
Still, it thrashed, so I hit it a second, and then a third time. The pain grew more distant with each strike, and I was about to hit it a fourth time when the gynoid called out.
"Wallace, enough!" she shouted.
I looked up at her, arm cocked to punch the thing, my other hand still gripping its horn as it thrashed about. In the light of her own lantern, she seemed concerned, but not overly worried. I returned my gaze to the creature and understood why.
Its horns and skin didn't just look like polished steel and bronze. They were steel and bronze. It was another automaton, not as complex as the gynoid maid, but certainly a cut above the guards in the first room.
I'd pounded the thing's snout inwards, and it looked as if I'd turned its face inside out.
Valentine came to stand beside the gynoid, "You big wonderful moron," she sighed.
"Hey, you thought the thing was for real at first too," I protested.
The gynoid took my hand gently, even as I argued with Val, and began inspecting it.
"Yes," Val replied primly, "And then I recalled the rules, as you told them to me. Am I mistaken, or wasn't it made clear that nothing here would harm us?"
I let go of the automaton's horn. I'd clutched it so tightly that my hand felt stiff, and I clenched and unclenched it to work the stiffness out of my muscles. Oil had stuck to me in a few spots, though it was nothing serious, and I patted the flames out with my free hand.
I shrugged lamely, and Val leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. Even kneeling, I was tall enough that she had to go up on tiptoe.
"I'll see if the beast you vanquished was guarding anything interesting," she promised, "And if anything frightens me, I'll throw my lantern at it."
I pushed myself up and off of what remained of the automaton, its movements finally slowing, careful to keep my hand steady so that the gynoid could finish cleaning the wound.
She had her nose close to the wounds across my knuckles, to better inspect them in the poor light, but peered up at me as the light of Val's lantern receded.
"Poorly thought out heroics seem to be effective," she remarked.
"What are you, my wingman now?"
She shrugged, "I only wish to be helpful, in whatever manner I may."
"You know, I think I'm good."
"Ah, perhaps she is the one that requires my assistance."
"What's that supposed to mean- Ow!"
"Just a disinfectant. Nothing's broken, but even you may be brought low by infection."
"I found something," came Val's voice, echoing down the hall, and her circle of lamplight joined with ours a moment later.
She held an old fashioned key, large and bright red. It looked more like a prop than the sort of thing that would unlock an actual door.
"It was just around the corner, waiting on a pedestal," she explained, and I muttered a translation to the gynoid as she spoke, "But from the look of things, we were meant to approach from the other side."
"Oh?"
"Yes, the pedestal faces a large blue door. It has a keyhole of the right shape for this," she explained, gesturing with the red key, "But it doesn't turn in the lock. I imagine we were supposed to find a blue key, and use that to get behind the minotaur."
"Sounds like we found a sequence break."
"Hmm," Val mused, "I suppose that's a fair term for it."
"How much you want to bet we'll find a blue key near a red door somewhere down this way?" I asked, jerking my chin towards where I'd thrown the torch.
"Let's hope we've made up some time. Now, how's your hand?" Val asked as the gynoid finished tying the bandage.
"I'll probably have some scars, but it'll be fine," I assured her, "Come on, if we have made up some time, let's not waste any more."
It was as we approached the room with the stone boards that I finally began to hear the rushing water I'd been expecting. I held out a staying hand, and the others slowed.
I jerked a thumb over my shoulder, "We were meant to be running scared through here," I said simply.
The gynoid prodded experimentally at one of the stone boards with the toe of her shoe, and it shifted as she put her weight on it. She leaned into it a little bit, and this end of the board tilted down while the other swung up, and the sound of rushing water filled the room. Not a room of stone boards then, but a room of seesaws.
They were staggered, left, right, left, right. Someone who tried to walk, or more likely, run, across would find themselves always stepping upon the inside edge of one or another.
"There's no pattern here, as there was in the other room," Val frowned.
The gynoid pressed experimentally on the only other board she could reach and watched as it moved.
Then she stood, and outlined her plan, "You see how they alternate? Each set must have its own fulcrum, a bar running the length of the chamber. If we stay near the pivot point, the boards shouldn't rotate much if we are quick enough in the crossing."
Valentine nodded along as I relayed the gynoid's explanation, "Sensible," she agreed, once I was done, "She and I shall go first, now behave yourself and stay here till we're safely across."
"Behave myself?" I growled, but she was already giggling and prancing away with the gynoid close behind.
The two couldn't even speak to one another, and it still felt like the two were conspiring against me.
I smiled despite myself. I was glad they were getting along. I was a little worried that the shapely gynoid would inspire jealousy in the waifish Valentine. But who knows, with Val's tastes being what they are, maybe I was the one that should be jealous, lest the gynoid steal her away from me.
"Catch," Val called, and with a flick of her wrist, the torch flew from where it lay in the centre of the room, to strike me lightly in the chest.
I caught it before it hit the ground and waited for the girls to make it across. It wasn't possible- at least for them -to step directly from the doorway over to where the fulcrum for the one set of boards seemed to be. But a little hop got them close enough, and the boards themselves were heavy enough that they didn't move very quickly under the weight of those two, particularly with them staying near the pivot point.
Considering that this was a game, not a proper deathtrap, odds were good that they might have made it across fine even if they'd gone straight down the middle. Presumably, the creators of the game didn't want it to end with an anti-climax, and an entire team getting dunked in the river would be kinda lame. No, I bet the first couple people would make it across okay. They didn't need to be faster than the automaton, just faster than their slowest friends.
I braced myself on the doorway, and took a wide-reaching step that put my foot just shy of the pivot, and then pushed off the wall with all my strength. I couldn't swing my leg over far enough and ended up with both feet on the near side of the pivot, and my stomach lurched as the board began to tilt inwards.
I didn't bother trying to balance on it. I just started running. It was a clumsy, halting run, as I made sure each step came down on the right set of boards. One wrong step and all my weight would land on the very tip of what was, in essence, a very large lever. The other end would probably cut a gouge into the roof with all the force I'd be putting on it, and I'd end up in the water. Maybe I could catch myself, but the very idea made my elbows hurt. I'm stronger than I look, and I look really fucking strong, but I was still made of meat. I might be able to lift a small car, but that didn't mean my elbows were meant to endure the strain of catching half a ton in free fall.
I veered back towards the centre of the room as I neared the far side. I wouldn't be able to set up my jump as carefully as I'd done the first time, but I had a hunch.
I leapt. Not as far as I could, but as high as I could. And when I landed, it was with both feet planted and legs locked. I didn't crouch to absorb the shock, that would only spread the impact over a longer period, and I needed all of the force to come down in a single instant.
The fulcrum did what I expected it to do, and what roughly made bearings tend to do when they are shocked. It locked in place. Only for an instant, but it was enough. I bent my knees for a second leap, and threw myself through the doorway and right into Val and the gynoid. Val yelped as I bowled right through them, but to my relief, I didn't land atop either.
Val was back on her feet in an instant, "You made it," she cheered.
I brushed the dust from my jeans and straightened, "Yeah yeah, no time for teasing. Come on. We need to hustle."
I broke into a fast walk, and the others jogged to keep up.
"Of course, you can give me my comeuppance later," she agreed, bobbing along at my elbow.
The next junction was, less than simple.
"My my," the gynoid breathed.
"Backtracking through this is going to suck."
We'd emerged into another room, and now stood on a platform six or so feet above the rushing water. There were two raised paths stretching out across the open space, each leading to a separate opening in the far wall. The left way was made up of a large drum that stretched the length of the room. There were no obstacles, but we'd need to walk across the top of it to get across, and I guessed that it would start to rotate as soon as we set foot on it. This was another problem that the girls would find a lot easier than myself, Val in particular. She weighed less than a tenth what I did, and was quite a bit quicker. She'd make fewer mistakes, and they'd cost her less. While one wrong step from me would set the thing rotating rapidly to one side and I'd be thrown off into the water.
The path to the right looked more promising, however, as it was a test of timing, rather than dexterity. On the right was a series of swinging blades, a classic honestly, though the blades were foam, painted in an exaggerated style, rather than sharpened steel.
Finally, at the beginning of each path, was a small pillar with a slot atop it. A slot, very much like the one in the tea vending machine back in the break room.
The gynoid produced three cards from a pocket in her blouse. Two held stylized depictions of piled coins, while the other had a book on its face.
After a moment's thought, I grimaced and shook my head, "We should save it if we can."
"Left, or Right?" Val asked, slowly and carefully.
I frowned, but the gynoid answered, "Right," in elvish.
Clumsy as her pronunciation was, I could understand her at the very least. Which is to say, Val could understand her.
"Oh, don't look so surprised," Val mocked, "The two of us aren't helpless."
"Would you please tell her that the right-hand path is the most likely to bear fruit?" the gynoid requested, "Of both paths, the left is most likely to lead back to the blue door, and we have no need of that now. Besides, I foresee you having difficulty making it across. The right hand then is the easiest for you, and the least likely to send us back where we already were."
"Maybe you should give her the necklace," Val suggested, once I'd finished relaying the gynoid's reasoning, "She seems capable, and I'm not certain what we need you for at this point."
"Maybe I take the key and the gynoid and chuck you in the river," I retorted, "Not certain what we need you for at this point."
"Please, enough flirting, time is of the essence," the gynoid called back.
She'd already made it through the first two swinging blades, and she beckoned us forwards without taking her eyes off the one in front of her.
"Is she chastizing us?"
"Yup."
"Mmm, maybe she'll give me my comeuppance," Val mused.
The timing was simple, and we made our way through with little difficulty. The pattern for the blades was simple and unchanging, and as long as you paid attention, there was plenty of warning before one came down.
The relative simplicity made me wonder if perhaps the automaton had been meant to still be chasing us, or maybe I was merely familiar with this sort of obstacle. Every dungeon in Skyrim seemed to have something like this, after all. The players this maze had been intended for may have looked upon the series of swinging blades with a little more trepidation.
The gynoid was several steps ahead and didn't wait for the two of us to finish making our way through before she slipped through into the passage beyond.
I felt a flash of annoyance. She was doing it wrong, she should be waiting for me, and what if there were traps she didn't spot it in time?
I growled and forced the thought away. The gynoid didn't need my permission to scout ahead. At this point in my life, I'd grown used to being let down in group assignments. And while I'd been out of university for a couple of years now, the memory remained. Which meant I usually did my best to take the reins in matters such as these, and being eight feet tall, people tended to let me. But the gynoid, as well as Valentine, knew what they were doing. I let out a long breath and took a step forwards just as the next blade hit the bottom of its travel and arced out of the way.
The gynoid reappeared only a moment later, holding a green key. Despite her composure, I got the sense that it was all she could do to keep from jumping up and down as she bade us forwards.
"I've found the red door, and this was sitting in front of it," she explained, "Quick, quick, the red key!"
The gynoid's energy was contagious, and Val skipped through close behind as I finished navigating the swinging blades.
There was a sharp right turn, a short length of corridor, another left, and then we stood before the red door. Val drove the key home, and it turned with a laborious ratcheting sound. The key withdrew, and there was a slow clank, clank, clank, as the door began retracting with fits and starts into the floor.
Then the gynoid did start jumping up and down, and I found myself chuckling as she all but bounced off the walls.
"Now what do you find so amusing?" she demanded.
"You're just not what I expected," I replied.
The gynoid pulled up her skirt and swung her legs over the half-open door, "Am I unlike the gynoids on your world?" she asked.
I stepped over after her and reached back to give Val a hand.
"There are no gynoids on my world," I admitted, "Maybe that's why you're not what I expect. Plenty of fictional sentient machines, but no real ones. Like Commander Data from Star Trek. Man, I wanted to be Data when I was a kid."
The gynoid glanced back as she reached the next intersection, saw that we were both close behind, and took the right-hand path. I kept after her, and Val paused only to mark our way before rushing after us.
"This Data, he is a military man, and an officer no less? I'm afraid that such things are not permitted where I come from. And I doubt that any young man wishes he were a combat android."
"Data was the second officer on the Enterprise, the flagship of The United-" I stopped myself, "Well, I thought he was cool at the very least. And as a kid who found the emotions of those around him utterly incomprehensible, he was pretty relatable. He also seemed to know everything, which was pretty cool. Now I don't have any idea if you know everything, but you're a lot warmer than Data. Jumping up and down, bouncing off the walls, eager to win the contest, and most likely plotting my demise with Val."
"I've decided that I like puzzles," she replied, "And I've never won anything before."
At each corner, we'd take the right path, and while we hit dead ends twice, and once found ourselves looping back upon our path, Val's marks made matters clear. Short of running pell-mell down the halls, getting lucky at each turn in the maze, we were making fine time.
"I hear water once again, another puzzle, or perhaps the end?" the gynoid guessed.
"Looks like both," I observed, as we rounded the last corner and stepped out into the final chamber.
The floor of the chamber was a sheet of ice, or very nearly ice. The look was right, it was even as slippery as ice when I knelt to touch it, but the temperature was all wrong. It certainly wasn't warm inside the maze, but it wasn't anywhere near cold enough to keep anything frozen.
Dozens of blocks of ice seemed to grow up out of the sheet, blocking off the direct path to the far side, and forming a sort of mini-maze of its own. This chamber had another pillar waiting to accept the hint card, and I squinted at the maze, trying to figure out what it might do.
To either side of the puzzle were open drops, back down into the river. If I wasn't carefully navigating it, I could slip right off the side and into the water, with nothing to catch myself on.
And on the far side of the icy maze waited a pair of massive stone doors, set with three-
"Damn," I breathed, "We need that blue key-"
Like it or not, we'd seen most everything on this side of the red door. Which meant we'd need to backtrack all the way to the room with the swinging blades and spinning drum and take the other path. That would have been the 'ideal' path, had I not clobbered the minotaur, as it would have led the players through the back way to get at the red key. In fact, the green door was probably over on that side as well, since we hadn't yet run into it.
That drum was going to be a problem, and I didn't know how the hell I was going to make it across. I tried to recall how close together the two exit doors were for that room. Maybe I'd be able to jump across? If not-
"Solve this nonsense," the gynoid urged, interrupting my train of thought, "I will fetch the blue key."
And then she left at a dead run, taking both the green key and the hint card with her as she did.
I felt that flash of annoyance once again, but realized she'd made the right call. Odds were good that she had a more time-consuming task. Whatever the hint card did, it was essentially a time saver. As we were running at the speed of the slowest group it was only sensible she be the one to use it, whether that be on the room we'd seen or another puzzle that might be between her and the blue key.
I turned back to my task and trusted she would see to hers.
"I wonder if a fabric could be made of this material," Valentine pondered.
She was kneeling to inspect the material as I had, though her expression suggested a different set of potential applications than had occurred to me.
"One track mind," I muttered, busy inspecting the puzzle before me.
"Not one track," she protested, "Two, the second one is food. And, well, it's not as if I can eat this, now can I?"
"There is more to life," I remarked.
"Mmm, doubtful."
I swept my gaze across the field of icy blocks, a plan beginning to form in my mind, "At least you know what you want," I replied.
"Yes, now what about this distraction? Have you a way through?"
"Still working on it, but I think I've got a general idea," I assured her, "Hold on, I'm going to try something."
I stepped out onto the not-ice and pushed off the solid stone behind. I began to slide, relatively quickly, towards the row of blocks a few yards off. Try as I might, I couldn't get any lateral motion. Even when I hit the wall and came to a stop, trying to pull myself along the floor was fruitless. Nearly frictionless, I doubted that real ice was anywhere near this slippery. Only pushing off the icy block gave any purchase, and sent me sliding back over the Valentine.
"Alright," I decided, "I've seen this sort of puzzle before. I remember them being a pain in the ass as a kid, but it's actually somewhat simple."
Valentine furrowed her brows, a look of evident concern on her face, "You were faced with such travails as a child?"
I waved a hand, "It was a game, god damn ice gym leaders always had something like this. The point is, the maze we need to solve is not the maze before us."
She quirked an eyebrow, "Do elaborate."
"I mean, it looks easy, the whole thing is laid out in front of us, and that's the trick. It looks like a maze, but if you try to solve it like a normal maze, by tracing the path and trying to follow it, you'll just end up sliding all over the place. No, better to think of it as a series of linked points. The first point is right there," I pointed, "The one place you can reach by sliding across through the gap in the wall. From there, the next set of points are the only ones you can reach by pushing off one of those two walls, and so on, and so on. That keeps you on the right track, and out of the drink."
"Mmm, I think I see what you mean."
"Of course, the real trick is to solve it backwards, since we can see the end from here."
I outlined the path I'd come up with, and once Valentine agreed that it seemed to make sense with the rules I'd outlined, we put it into action. I lead the way, with her one position behind. That way at least she could backtrack if I accidentally put myself in an untenable position, or ended up sliding off the edge. But my reasoning was sound, and the two of us made it across safely.
Valentine was quick to try the red key, but while it turned in the lock, as expected, nothing happened while the others were absent.
"You know, they could have done us the favour of providing somewhere to sit," Valentine said, watching contemptuously as I took a seat on the flagstones with my back to the wall.
I yawned and stretched my arms, "It's a good thing this isn't too comfy, or else I think I'd fall asleep."
She placed a hand on my shoulder to steady herself, and sat across my lap, "Maybe you should have taken more of the tea."
"Not much of a tea drinker," I replied, "Never liked coffee either. Hot chocolate is pretty great, though."
Valentine's eyes grew wide and desirous, "Might such a beverage be created with the ingredients at the hotel?"
"I think I can figure something out," I promised.
Val put her arms around my neck and drew herself in close to kiss the corner of my neck, just below my ear.
"You must realize," she murmured, "It takes some of the fun out of trying to tempt you when you're just so agreeable. A wiser man would make the task seem much more arduous."
I set my jaw and tilted my head to look her in the eye, "I believe you already promised me a rather spectacular kiss."
Val bit her lip and grinned. She shifted in my lap to straddle my hips, instead of sitting across my legs. Tilting her head forwards, her hair fell to cover her face. She reached up to the neck of her flight suit and drew the zipper down to her navel, revealing a silken shift beneath. She filled the air with the aroma of her pheromones, and I felt myself relax as they did their work.
She slipped her hands underneath my shirt and ran them across my abdomen, "Awfully tense, aren't we?"
Even as I watched, beads of moisture began to form on her bare skin, and the already heady scent of her grew almost overpowering.
She ran her fingers through my hair, and with the other, cupped my cheek lightly. Stirring her hips slightly, she drew me in. Lips slightly parted, she pressed hers against mine, and damn, was she ever a tease. She'd draw back, just a little, as I tried to press closer. And each time she would pull away slightly less, slowly giving in, but making me work for it.
I'd slipped a hand in the front of her jumpsuit and under her shift. She never seemed so very small as she did now, with just one of my hands very nearly able to circle her waist. Even with all her enchantments and attitude, I was terrified of hurting her. With Will, I'd lost control for only a moment, and that had still been nearly enough to cripple the armoured man. But with Valentine, even an instant of anger-
She seemed not to care. With the length of her tiny body pressed against my chest, she didn't stop. I was drawn this way and that, as she'd pull back just a little, only to draw me in once again.
It was only once we heard the gynoid's rapid footsteps that we drew reluctantly apart. I helped Val to her feet, and she gave me a wicked grin as she zipped up the front of her flight suit.
Not a moment too soon, as the gynoid appeared at the edge of the icy maze, lantern still swaying too and fro from the jostling it had gotten on the way.
"I have them," she shouted and flung the keys in a high arc.
Green and blue thumped against the door, and they'd not even stopped clattering around on the ground before Valentine had scooped them up and driven them into place. The doors began to move apart, sliding into the walls at either side and as they did, I busied myself guiding the gynoid through the field of ice.
By the time she'd made it across, Val had already slipped through the growing gap and disappeared.
Valentine was not the first into the treasure hall, but judging from the state of things, we'd not been far behind.
The treasure hall ran the width of the building, with a high vaulted ceiling that was held up by pillars so thick I could not circle them with my arms. There were windows at either end of the hall, high in the wall, above the doors that led outside. It was dark beyond those windows, though there was just enough light from the streetlamps outside to show the swirling blizzard that was kept at bay by half an inch of glass.
Behind me stood the exit door to the maze, one of three set into the wall at my back. Ours was still clanking open, and while the centre pair of doors stood empty, those at the far end of the hall remained silent and shut.
Two shallow pools, fed by water flowing out from underneath the wall, stood between the three exit doors, and I was glad to see that Will was not laying face down in either of them. I still felt anger festering in my gut, but I didn't want to kill the man. I was somewhat concerned to see the trail of droplets and wet footprints that suggested someone had dragged themselves from the pool and gone out into the cold, but hopefully he was smart enough to get somewhere warm in a hurry.
Across from the maze exits were another trio of doors. The largest of which was directly across from us, with a gold number one scribed above, nearly a foot tall. And, unfortunately, they were already open, or nearly so.
It looked like something you'd expect to see on a hangar, with an opening nearly fifty feet wide. The doors hadn't quite finished clanking open, but Simon and his 'angels', as the gynoid had called them, were already picking through the treasures beyond. Jankin stood by the door, standing guard for all the good it did and muttered something at our approach.
Simon glanced up and spread his arms wide, "Hey, you guys made it."
"Anything interesting?" I asked grudgingly.
"Eh, kinda. I bet the intended players would be stoked to win all this," he shrugged.
Simon swept his hand to encompass the furniture, clothes, appliances, and general bric-a-brac piled behind him, "But I'm pretty sure the main ingredients in all this crap are asbestos, lead, and arsenic."
I pointed at the comb that the small and slim one was holding, "At least that comb won't poison anyone. Might explode though."
"What?" Simon demanded.
"Yeah, it looks like ivory, but I'm pretty sure that's celluloid. A whole lot of this junk is celluloid, actually," I realized.
"Celluloid as in film?"
"Celluloid as in the thing made with the same process that creates nitrocellulose. As in guncotton."
Simon switched to Elvish, "Cilla darling, please put that down," he urged, "Everyone, just, maybe don't touch anything."
"Was there any coin?" Valentine sighed.
"Actually, yes. There were several dozen coin purses full of shillings. They're the only thing I'm sure won't eventually be the death of me."
"Do you have any idea what sort of mana there is in arsenic?" Val inquired.
Simon nodded, "I do."
I rolled my eyes, "Feel like sharing?"
"No, not really."
"After I was so kind as to warn you about the celluloid? A great many Victorian and Edwardian women died or were disfigured when celluloid combs and hair clips ignited and set their hair and scalp aflame."
Simon was about to speak, but paused as tall and busty- I think that made her Victoria? -approached and whispered in his ear. Simon frowned, shrugged, and then nodded.
"Tell you what, I won't share what I know about arsenic, but I'll offer a trade. I'll hand over everything in here that's got enough lead in it to be useful, and in exchange, you give me everything in your prize vault that's got at least some arsenic."
I glanced at Val, "Fire, Mind, and Weaken," she provided.
"Deal."
Continued in comment